I'm finally getting around to reading the 33 1/3 book I bought, "How to Write About Music." After a quick browse and reading through the introduction, the gist is - maybe there's no wrong way to write about music? Some of the excerpts included are powerful and thought-provoking, written by people who have actually studied music in a formal setting. And some of them are honest thoughts about pieces that made the author feel something they couldn't quite describe but they tried anyway. One of the pieces featured is literally someone going through a Taylor Swift album and writing a few sentences of how each song made them feel. Seeing as how that is what this blog is quickly devolving into, it resonated on a deep level. Regardless, I think I'll return to writing about how the song I write about make me feel, the messages they tell me, the ideas and visions they lead me to, and the lessons they teach me.
"The Last Time" has become one of my favorite T-Swift songs in the last few months. Since she released "Red (Taylor's Version)," which was a revelation, to say the least. The 10-minute version of "All Too Well" alone is a masterpiece that I could dissect line by line....but I'll save that for another day. I cannot convey exactly the feeling "The Last Time" elicits in me without saying it is both one of the most romantic songs I've ever heard as well as one of the saddest. I've mentioned before my obsession with Doomed Romances. And while no one dies in this song, there is a futile cycle that only kills the two lovers the longer it goes on. I've always been gripped by this idea of two people who are so obviously meant to be together but can't make it work. For whatever reason, they can't get past whatever obstacles are keeping them apart - they won't do the inner work, they can't cross the distance, they won't compromise. It's the right person, wrong time. Or whatever. Even so, they can't help returning to each other. And every time they part, it's like they're dying over and over and over. And, finally, one of them decides this can't go on. This is the last time. The last time they'll let the other into their heart, because she deserves someone who will stay.
You wear your best apology
But I was there to watch you leave
This lyric is devastating. They say people with deep, unhealed abandonment wounds often choose people who will ultimately abandon them - or, ironically, abandon the person they love the most. That's the story here. Taylor's character is asking that heartbreaking question - if you love me so much, why do you keep leaving? And why do I keep letting you back in? I don't know. The heart is a complicated beast. I think love often makes us think someone is perfect - everything you ever wanted, everything you ever dreamed of - to the point where we're willing to overlook glaring problems. Like being used. Being ignored. Being controlled. Being manipulated. Eventually the high wears off, though, and you're left alone in your most vulnerable moments. And, conveniently, they are never there to see the pain they've caused. I was there to watch you leave.
The bridge is what always breaks my heart. It sounds so hopeful, but you start to get the feeling that this isn't a real conversation. Oh no. It's what she wants to hear from him when she stands up for herself and asks for what she wants. And I think we've all been there - there's certain things we want to hear from someone after an argument, after a fissure like this. And it's beyond disappointing when the words never come.
This is the last time you tell me I've got it wrong
This is the last time I say it's been you all along
This is the last time I let you in my door
This is the last time, I won't hurt you anymore
This song is about setting a boundary. Taylor is saying don't come back unless you intend to stay, and stay in a way that honors the spirit of what we have between us. You can't be half in, half out. Eventually, though, it has to be the last time. It's a matter of pride - a matter of worth - and she ran herself ragged trying to make it work on his terms for so long. She does her inner work, thinking that maybe if she can fix herself, he'll come back. Or, at least, she can move on. But does she want to? She knows she will probably find someone who can meet her halfway, but part of her doesn't want just anyone. Her heart wants him...but he's gone. She leaves the door open, though. She's thought about blocking him hundreds of times times but can't bring herself to do. She waits and hopes. But then it's been 7 months since she's heard his voice, 5 months since his last text. And she should probably stop counting. Hope dies a slow, painful death.
Find myself at your door
Just like all those times before
I'm not sure how I got there
All roads, they lead me here
I imagine you are home
In your room, all alone
And you open your eyes into mine
And everything feels better
If we look at the first verse, I don't think this is a conversation that's actually happening at all. It's a back and forth that's happening in both their heads. He wants to come back - every part of him aches for her - but he won't. He knows she doesn't deserve everything he's put her through - the tears, the heartbreak. It's a boundary for him, too. Instead, he imagines coming back, imagines how much better he would feel if he could be that guy. That guy who doesn't always hurt her. And his mind will keep coming back to her, time after time, reopening the wound. He'll suffer through the aching for his whole life, if necessary, because the look on her face as he drove away the last time nearly killed him.
I'm not cynical. I want so badly for this song to have a happy ending. So badly, I can feel it in my bones. I must confess, I have an enduring - almost childish - belief in True Love. My 7th House - the House of Partnerships - is ruled by Jupiter, the planet of fortune, beliefs, and philosophy. Remember a few posts ago when I said the House ruled by Sagittarius is where you're on a quest. Well, I believe I'm on a quest for True Love - not my own, necessarily (everyone is looking for that and, truth be told, it's a bit mundane), but in its existence, meaning, and purpose in our lives. As is the nature of Sagittarius, I believe it's a winding road, full of twists, turns, and unforeseen obstacles. I think straight paths are misleading - not that it can't happen, but I don't think it's most common for the road to be Boy/Girl Meets Girl/Boy, They Fall in Love, Get Married, and Live Happily Ever After. No....more often, I think its Boy/Girl Meets Girl/Boy, They Fall in Love, and then Life Gets in the Way. But I also have faith that if two people are truly meant to be together, the Universe will conspire to bring them back together. Eventually. It's the "eventually" part that people struggle with.
Have you ever heard someone say "the right person at the wrong time is the wrong person"? Well, I'm here to tell you that's bullshit. If you can meet the wrong person at the right time (and, judging by the divorce statistics, this is the case more often than not), it logically follows that the reverse is true. But if they are the right person, their heart will wait for you even if they try to move on (and vice versa). I'm fascinated by Love at First Sight stories where someone sees a person on the train and they hesitate to make a move - they doubt the intuition that is pulling them forward - and suddenly, that person is gone forever. Then 50 years later on, they still remember that moment in vivid detail and it's their biggest regret. These people have often married, had kids, lived their life - they don't usually regret those parts - but they know they missed out on something real, something that is rare and wonderful. And they still think about that person, that stranger, often - more often than is logical. Even more amazing are the stories where they meet the person from the train 10 years later - and that's when their romance starts. And that's what I mean when I say it's a winding road.
I often find myself thinking about this lyric from "Wreck of the Day": I'd cheat Destiny just to be near you. My hope, my gamble, is that if it's True Love, you won't have to cheat Destiny to be together. Instead, Destiny will draw you together - even if you're putting in your best effort to stay apart. You don't have to forsake your own path to have the relationship you want with someone. I want to believe that if two people are meant to be together, time and space won't make a difference - the right person will always be the right person, no matter how long it has been since you last saw each other.
As you may have guessed, this song elicits a lot of stories in my head. It's one of my favorite songs to pole dance. Pole dance? I told you - I've been on a journey in the past year. To this song? Unconventional, I know. It's slow but there's moments when the music sweeps you up in waves, which allows for powerful, dramatic movements. To illustrate the story, I imagine it's a duet. As you may have guessed, I'm obsessed with duets, in music, dance, burlesque performance, or otherwise. With a pole duet, you have the ability to make pretty, more complex shapes with your bodies. A story idea also came to mind when I heard this song - a man does come back, but it's too late in the worst way possible. I'll give you a hint - the girl hasn't moved on but there are circumstances that make their road together more perilous and difficult. More difficult than if he'd been able to express his feelings properly the first time. And it pulls both of them into an unseen world beneath the surface of ordinary reality.
I first fell in love with the live performance so that's what you're going to get. Jupiter enters Aries today, so my Jupiter Return has technically begun.
"The Last Time" Video
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