I've been unmotivated to write here lately. Not uninspired - the words and ideas are still flowing. But to do what I want with this blog requires a lot of research and work. And it's hard for me to work right now. I forget how loud my mind gets when I'm not writing a lot. Especially when my consumption of information (reading and learning from podcasts or videos) does not match my creative output - my brain just retains too much. And it feels heavy. It weighs me down, even though it feels like it's moving so fast. It's frustrating, because I'm working so hard to feel better, but it still feels like I'm just treading water. So this one goes out to those who are feeling lost and lonely tonight - I'm with you, my friends.
It's not your eyes
It's not what you say
It's not your laughter
That gives you away
You're just lonely
You've been lonely too long
All your acting, your thin disguise
All your perfectly delivered lines
They don't fool me
You've been lonely too long
I've said it before, but I love The Civil Wars. Definitely a must-have band for any Southern Gothic playlist you might be building. Their music combines two things I adore in music - duets and folksy love songs. And bonus points for the spooky melodies in their repertoire, of which there are many. "Dust to Dust" is not particularly spooky, but it expresses a sentiment I think we all understand from time to time. When you're sad and lonely, there is nothing better than finding someone who makes you feel seen, heard, and understood. There's nothing that heals the soul so much as a deep connection. That's the dream, right? To find the one person who you truly connect with. Who gets it, gets all your weird thoughts and squirmy feelings, and likes you anyway. Someone who it is safe to be your authentic self with. I would argue this is extremely rare and, thus, incredibly special.
Let me in the walls
You've built around
We can light a match
And burn them down
Let me hold your hand
And dance 'round and 'round the flames
In front of us
Dust to dust
You're like a mirror, reflecting me
Takes one to know one, so take it from me
You've been lonely
You've been lonely too long
We've been lonely
We've been lonely too long
During my research today, I learned that, unfortunately, the Civil Wars broke up in 2014. Not only that, but it was an especially brutal break up. To the point where they don't even talk anymore! When Joy Williams and J.P. White met up in 2009, they had incredible chemistry as a creative duo and quickly started churning out hits. A lot of people assumed this chemistry went deeper, which is understandable - when they performed, it seemed like they were the only two people in the world. So in sync. Even in the video for "Dust to Dust," you can see how much they enjoy being around each other - that's just them hanging out in Paris, no acting needed. People love a salacious backstory, and most performers are willing to give it to them. But here's the thing about chemistry, from a former actress (myself) - it can be faked and it often is by people who don't have the best of intentions. And even if it's real, it burns out quick if there's nothing substantial sustaining it. And if you have both but it's not controlled? It spirals into chaos and ignites everything, to the point of destruction, if you allow it. I'm almost certain they are telling the truth - that they weren't making anything together except music - but the rumors tore them apart anyway. No one knows the situation except them. But it sure is hard to ignore how he looks at her....
It's fun to speculate, but I'm going to still hold out hope that one day, they'll reconcile. Their music is just too good. And J.P. White is my kind of hot - like a Southern Johnny Depp. Which is ridiculous to say, because - fun fact - Johnny Depp was actually born and raised in the South (Kentucky). So, basically, I prefer a more sober version of Johnny Depp. I've found myself in a Civil Wars click hole on YouTube because it's inspiring the story at the heart of one of my writing projects. The one that's going to take a couple years to birth. I should probably get working on that....
For Valentine's Day, I thought I'd share one of my favorite songs from my "Sexy Dancing with Myself" playlist (Did you get the reference?), which is the playlist I like to use when I'm practicing my S-factor moves. From a book, since taking an in-person class is still pretty risky right now. As you may have guessed, today's post is a Song du Jour entry, so I'll be rambling about whatever the fuck I want. And today, my friends, that's the insanity being sparked by the stellium in Aquarius squaring Uranus in Taurus.
A lot has been said about what Uranus in Taurus will bring. As an Earth sign, Taurus is all about stability. Being a Venus-ruled sign, it's related to a lot of things - finances, luxury, self-love, beauty. But, when I think of Earth signs, it brings to mind sensuality. The element of Earth is all about the physical world. Our Earth sign friends are often considered unsexy - they are usually stubborn, often cold, and are considered calculating and critical. However - for the right person - Earth placements are can be incredibly sensual and sexual. Like Water placements, they are a feminine/receptive duality - yin energy is associated with wildness and pleasure, and Earth is closely associated with what happens when the emotional becomes physical. As such, Earth signs, when deep in love, often take on the more watery aspects of their opposing sign. Analytical Virgo can be as imaginative and playful as a Pisces when they've fallen for someone; Independent Taurus has near Scorpionic devotion to their partner; and Chilly Capricorn takes on downright Cancerian qualities of hopeless romanticism and affection when they've found their soulmate. Beyonce herself is a Virgo Queen and that's what this song is about. A girl who had it all figured out feels out of control once she finds her match. She is "Crazy in Love."
I look and stare so deep in your eyes
I touch on you more and more every time
But that is not what this post is about, my friends. This post is about what happens when Uranus is causing havoc in a Venus-ruled sign, especially when that sign is Taurus. Venus-ruled Libra is the intellectual side of love - deep conversations, friendship, quality time - as well as the more traditional aspects of Victorian Romanticism (roses, hearts, etc.). Taurus, on the other hand, is about the more physically grounded aspects of Venus - combining assets and finances, buying things together, cooking and eating together, and sex/physical intimacy. When Uranus charts its path through Taurus, these are the things that are going to be shaken up. I always picture Earth signs as being very honest and direct and -especially with Taurus - authenticity is key for surviving this transit. I'm going to lay it out there with my predictions and say that one of the big things we're in for, especially with all these rough transits, is another sexual revolution. One thing I've noticed being purged from the collective unconscious in recent years is shame and dishonesty surrounding sexuality. People are more openly considering nontraditional partnership situations, like polyamory and swinging, as well as experimenting more in the bedroom.
When you leave, I'm begging you not to go
Call your name two, three times in a row
It's not all fun and games, though. We're also taking a deep look at what "consent" means and cracking down on gendered harassment. There's been an increase in reversed gender roles at home, with more women identifying as the breadwinner for their family as well as an increase in the number of men calling themselves "house-husbands" (which includes my own situation). Uranus transiting through a Venus-ruled sign was usually accompanied by changes in women's roles. During Uranus in Libra (1968-1975), we had the official "Sexual Revolution," which was marked by the landmark Roe v Wade decision and the rise of Second-Wave Feminism. The last time Uranus was in Taurus (1934-1942), women entered the workforce in droves to fill in for men during WWII. During this time, women also had opportunities to make their mark on science, academic, and military progress. It is important to note that Hedy Lamarr - at the time, the Most Beautiful Woman Alive - invented the frequency-hopping spread spectrum technology that would later serve as the basis for Bluetooth. If it seems like the women in your life have a lot going on, it's because they do.
Such a funny thing for me to try to explain
How I'm feeling and my pride is the one to blame
On a more personal note regarding Uranus in Taurus, I've found myself returning to things I've always been interested in, but it always felt like it was inappropriate to mention. Like pin-up art and burlesque performance, sex magick, tantra, witchcraft, and a preference for embracing my femininity and feminine beauty. Taurus rules my 12th House, which rules over what's hidden - these happen to be things I've always kept to myself. Those things are needed now to bring balance. A lot of those topics have been demonized and repressed into the collective shadow - it's only natural that they're popping back up to be reintegrated. Again, the solution is balance. The collective - and the individuals within the collective - need to embrace both healthy femininity and a healthy masculinity in order to thrive. End rant.
'Cause I know I don't understand
Just how your love can do what no one else can
I chose this song because I think it sounds sexy. There's a reason it's one of the themes for the "Fifty Shades of Grey" films. I know it says "remix" but I actually would consider it more of an "alternate version" as Beyonce completely rerecorded "Crazy in Love" for the film to create a darker, more sensual sounding song (the movie is a soft-core BDSM romance, after all). The original version borrows the hook from classic 70s soul and is a lot bouncier and more upbeat. Personally, I prefer the "Remix" as I think the sound fits my interpretation of the lyrics, which is that - for that one person - you kind of lose your mind a little bit. You act completely out of character and it makes no sense, but you're just.....carried away and consumed by waves of desire. The slowed-down version sounds a bit more tortured, more hesitant, more unsure of the outcome. Yes, we know she marries Jay-Z in the end but, for a moment there, Queen Bey was all over the place.
Hayley Williams released her second solo album, "Flowers for Vases//descansos" this past Friday, 5 February 2021. A video of the audio for one of the songs on the album showed up on my YouTube recommendations. Since it was just the audio, they were using the cover artwork as the thumbnail and that's what truly drew me in. I found it sensual and evocative. The cover features a feminine body (probably Williams) immersed in water, with the water swirling from shades of deep magenta and hot pink to a viscous white. That first song echoed something I have been feeling intensely, so much so that I decided to listen to the album on Spotify. This is one of those albums - for me - that appeared at precisely the exact time I needed it. I've been incredibly interested in healing modalities for various reasons (PPD, Complex-PTSD, general trauma recovery) and music therapy is one of those obvious tracks for me to explore, because it's been such a major tool in my own journey. Lately, artists have been releasing albums that are not only intensely personal, but also provide as much healing for the listener as they did for the artist making them. I think it's just that 2020 stirred up so much shit for everyone that we'll be working through those triggers deep into 2021 and beyond. I personally welcome music that helps me feel my own feelings, because I have a hard time doing that. I repress a lot of things, I put on a happy face for others because I think that's what they need (regardless of what I need), and so it's usually not apparent I'm in distress until things get really bad. Believe me - it's something I'm aware of and I'm working on.
This album is very much about memories and the unexpected grief they bring with them. The subtitle for this album - and the name of one of the tracks - is "descansos," which is a Spanish term for a memorial placed at the site of a violent and unexpected death. They are often seen at the site of fatal auto accidents. These are very common in New Mexico (as well as other places in the Southwest, particularly places with a large Hispanic population) and were a familiar site in my childhood. You can sort of hear that slightly Western influence in the songs on the album. Overall, the tone of the album was low-key, almost folksy - I could imagine Williams testing out the songs around a campfire, a flannel shirt protecting her from the desert winds. All the songs embody a different aspect of loneliness, the kind of loneliness you only get by ruminating on old memories, both good and bad. It is not clear what she is feeling this grief from. The songs could be interpreted as arising from a bad breakup (Williams got a divorce in 2017), a death of a loved one, or maybe she's just working through the pain she felt as a child during her own parents' divorce. It could be an amalgamation of all three. The songs are so amorphous, it seems as if Williams has left it to the listener to decide what memories this album elicits for them. Let's do a brief walkthrough of the songs on this album, hitting the highlights and my favorites (including the song that sparked this post) so you can get a feel for the musical journey you'll get if you decide to listen through.
First thing to go was the sound of his voice
These are the opening lyrics of this album. "First Thing to Go" captures that desperation you feel when you know you're forgetting pieces of a person and you're trying to hold on. Part of you knows it might be for the best, but you don't want to lose them completely. I mentioned this feeling a few posts ago. It reminds me of "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." You think things will be easier if you could just forget. But the good things disappear, too. Like the sound of their voice, the exact color of their eyes, the feel of their hands in yours. These sensory things that feel so memorable in the moment start to fade away. The final torture of time and distance, because you're present the whole time, aware that it's happening. Watching it slip through your hands, like so much water. Just for reference - because I can't help myself - Hayley's Chiron is in Cancer, directly opposite her Sun in Capricorn (she actually has a whole stellium in Cap - Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune are all in the game). She's very aware of her wounds and this placement can definitely show up as protecting her pain out of sentimental nostalgia.
After this, the album moves into "My Limb," easily the catchiest song and one of my favorites. The chorus is stuck in my head even now. The idea expressed is that, some people are so interconnected to you, it's like losing a limb when they're gone. Part of you would rather die ("bleed out" to use her imagery) than let go of them. To even let go of the memories of them. In amputations, there's this phenomena of phantom sensations. I think we get that for other things, too, especially with connections. Like with phones. If you're used to getting a lot of messages on your phone, you might hear rings or feel vibrations, but when you check your phone, there's nothing. It's a disconcerting feeling. Almost like you're losing your mind, because it's clear you're obviously imagining it.
If you gotta amputate, don't give me the tourniquet
You wish that I would run away, sever what isn't working
But I'll let my body bleed out, leaning to my left side
If your part of me is gone now, do I wanna survive?
The next song is called "Asystole." I had to google what that meant, so I'll share the meaning for your benefit - an asystole is the sound of the lack of a heartbeat. You may be more familiar with the term "flatlining." That's an asystole. The lyrics show her trying to convince herself she's better off without the person she's singing about. But, in reality, she feels dead and wants to be revived. The mind is trying to talk the heart out of what it knows. This leads very aptly into the next song, "Trigger." This is another one of those relationship post-mortem songs. Trying to figure out why this one person, this one relationship hurt so much. A lot of it comes down to our attachment style, our core wounds from childhood, and our expectations of Love. Most relationships will activate a couple of these things but at a manageable level. Once in a while, though, one relationship will activate all of them at once. These usually blow up pretty quickly, because time and distance is needed to work through the "triggers." Otherwise, you're just hurting each other.
'Cause I got the trigger, but you hold the gun
How come you never put the safety on?
Let's move forward to "Good Grief." This one hit hard. Not only does it most incorporate the Western undertones into the melody, but the lyrics are devastatingly honest about the physical side effects of grief. The opening lines are about not eating since the triggering event. Starvation is my go-to self-destructive behavior and when I'm severely depressed, I lose a lot of weight. During the first few weeks of PPD, I hardly ate. My first day out of the hospital after my second son was born, my dad and husband went out to get me one of my favorite meals - Tofu Pad Thai. What I used to be able to devour in one or two meals, I could barely eat a few bites. In fact, I barely ate at all the first month after giving birth. I don't want to go into the reasons why - all I can say is it didn't feel worth the trouble. To quote the song, "there's no such thing as good grief." But, it is necessary to move through grief when it's triggered, or else you get stuck at one of the stages. Sadness, Anger, Bargaining, Denial - or maybe you just keep waffling between all the stages. It's a process. And you have to keep going until you reach and can sustain Acceptance.
"KYRH" stands for "Keep You Right Here." This is the song I found on YouTube that pulled me into this musical journey. It's so fucking simple - only a few lines of lyrics, repeated in two verses. She allows the piano to fill in the rest. And that's how you know it's good poetry, when only a few words can elicit such emotional catharsis. You understand exactly how she's feeling. She's going to keep this person as close as she can, without crossing whatever line has been drawn. Sometimes, that's all you can do.
Keep you right here where the line is
At my fingers, on the surface
Keep you right here where the line is
Keep you right here
The final song I'm going to bring to your attention is "No Use I Just Do." There's this thing I do, as a hopeless romantic - always striving to truly understand what love is. Especially with everything I've been learning about trauma bonds and attachment wounds and inner child healing, I went through a couple months not believing Love was a real thing. It seems all I see everywhere are wounded, broken people who are just afraid to be alone. They don't really care if it's love as long as someone is there. There was a point where it felt like I had a black hole where my heart should be. Again, this is where feeling my feelings (through embodiment practices) has become so vital. It has helped me to know how love feels like in my body (an overpowering warmth radiating from my heart). Because Love is not a mental thing - when it's real, it is inconvenient, it doesn't make sense, it can't really even be justified. It just is. It's just there and you don't know what to do with it. Especially when it has nowhere to go. Words can't describe it, it has to be felt. It's easy to find someone to fill in a space, but the heart is wiser than that. It knows where to go in those quiet moments. I love the chorus on this - it's like a mantra. And the hopeless romantic part of me wants to bathe in it forever, it's that beautiful.
If I just wanted someone to hold
Then really, anyone would do
I close my eyes and really try
Not to turn 'em into you
It's no use, I just love you
It's no use, I just love you
It's no use, I just love you
It's no use, I just love you
It's no use, I just do
My final recommendation - I highly encourage you to go give this album a listen because it's worth it. It's gorgeous all the way through. I found myself wishing the songs were longer and, in terms of length, it is a short listen at 42 minutes from start to finish. Going to share the audio video for "KYRH" as a taster. Enjoy!
Hozier is one of the artists that I found on multiple contemporary Dark Academia playlists. For good reason - his lyrics are quite cerebral, as he draws a lot of his inspiration from philosophy and spirituality. I remember a Tumblr post that described his songs as being specifically for "waging the Revolution and then coming home to make sweet love to your woman." Yeah, it's kind of like that. A lot of his songs are fantastic protest songs. And then he also has a lot of great love (and love-making) songs. If either of these things are your jam, I highly recommend listening to the "This is Hozier" playlist on Spotify. For today, I'm just going to go through a selection of my favorite Hozier songs and their deeper meaning (if they have one) to get you started.
This is probably my favorite Hozier song. I know that's not particularly unique, because it's the only one that really got widespread play on the radio stations where I've lived. But it is one that speaks to me. It's about feeling closer to God (or Universe, Source, Force, or whatever other name you have for it) through sex as a loving act, not what religion deems is spiritual. In Hozier's words, it's a "celebration of sexuality," with sex itself being a sacred expression of love. Pulling out this metaphor, it's also about being in love with someone who society (particularly the Church) says is not allowed and expressing that love in a way that is seen as sinful. Hozier, who was raised an Irish Protestant, is deeply critical of the Catholic Church. Rightly so. As a former Catholic, I am also disappointed in the faith of my childhood and I remember the last time I went to Mass in earnest, I cried. No, I wept. I believed in God (which I prefer to refer to as the Universe) but I did not agree with a lot of the Church's teachings. I didn't believe in Hell, I didn't believe people should be punished for their humanity and - most blasphemous of all - I didn't think Jesus believed that either. It felt like I was losing something. Mind you, at this point I had already engaged in premarital sex because, while I think no sex until commitment is a good boundary, I always felt no sex until marriage was manipulation. Although at one time I wished I could be, I was never going to be one of those good Christian girls. I'm too much of a free-spirit to follow such arbitrary rules. I have no shame about my sexuality (because, like Hozier, I believe it is sacred) and I'm sure They think that's wrong, too.
No masters or kings when the ritual begins
There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin
In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene
Only then I am human
Only then I am clean
Oh, oh, Amen, Amen, Amen
This song grew to be a protest song among the LGBT community at the time it was released. The music video is critical of the Russian repression of homosexuality, tales of which are unbelievably brutal. Although I'm not gay, I've had many friends throughout my life who are (both while they were in the closet and out). I have seen a number of my friends struggle with their beliefs because of their sexual orientation. Some have left the Catholic Church and Christianity altogether while others have found more liberal Christian communities to belong to. I've seen formerly devout Mormons tossed out of their communities - this was harder to watch, because leaving such a strict faith often means being estranged from their families. I've witnessed friends berated and abused by their parents. To be honest, I think that shook my faith the most. I couldn't believe in a God or follow a religion that allowed for such blind hatred and disgust towards someone you were supposed to love. Especially in light of all the corruption and devastation caused by the pedophilia scandals. Nope, couldn't follow that anymore. So I decided to create my own....and yes, it's very much based on Love.
This is a protest song that celebrates all other protest songs. The "Nina" referred to is Nina Simone, a musician and singer who channeled her influence as an artist to become an activist in the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960s and 1970s. Simone's songs were boycotted in Southern states and as she became more active in the movement, her music became less popular. Hozier also honors the legacy of other musicians turned activists - James Brown, Woody Guthrie, Joni Mitchell, John Lennon, to name a few. And of course, Mavis Staples, a gospel singer and civil rights activist whose voice also lent power to the Civil Rights Movement. It's her voice that carries the bridge comprised of this strikingly powerful sentiment: Power has been cried by those stronger than me, straight into the face of those who tell you to rattle your chains if you like being free. The video also features activists currently working for civil rights on all fronts.
It's not the song, it is the singin'
It's the heaven of the human spirit ringin'
It is the bringin' of the line
It is the bearin' of the rhyme
It's not the wakin', it's the risin'
Choosing to speak out against injustice when you have so much to lose shows real courage. Music, in particular, has been used to embody the voice of the people. I was thinking just this morning that, although most of the best songs are about Love, the rest are about overthrowing the government (or the status quo, society, or any authority that oppresses Freedom). Music, especially at this point in history, is so accessible to the masses. It is a powerful force to call out for change. To call out for justice, for mercy, for awareness. I expect we'll be hearing more of this type of music in the coming years.
This song is about our inner desires. Our inner darkness, the wild Creator and Destroyer entwined within our soul. There is some creative force inside all of us - it is unique to us, it calls only to us, it speaks only to us. And it will do this all our lives. You can allow yourself to be consumed if you repress it or you can watch it spiral out of control if you don't learn to harness it. The Arsonist, who has tried to ignore it all his life, watches as this desire - this calling - destroys everything in his wake.
All you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don't you ever tame your demons
But always keep 'em on a leash
It's a lullaby because it's how the arsonist sleeps at night. He justifies to himself he had to do it, or else he'd go crazy. We do what we must. I have a dramatic, impulsive streak and, when I was young, I was in a powerless situation. I only felt my power when I was tapped into my rage, when I was fighting back, when I was forcing things to happen. I know how cruel and destructive I can be. I was even proud of it, once upon a time. And I feel the urge to give in to that side of me more often than people would expect. It's so much easier. My darkness is not tame at all, it's as wild as it ever was. But I understand its proper place now and how to channel the power it has, to appreciate the wisdom it has gifted me. I don't let it take control but I don't fear it either. But I am still learning to live with my demons - that process never ends.
This is one of Hozier's sweeter love songs, in my opinion. It's about having a dark past - having made mistakes - but it not making a difference to a new love. The lyrics describe evocative imagery. Perhaps it's an extremely literally interpretation, but I picture a cemetery. He was buried, a corpse drained from a past relationship. She was digging to find something deeper than she'd felt before. Somehow, they came together. How they got to that graveyard doesn't matter. All that matters is that they found each other. And all he wants to do is kiss her.
I will not ask you where you came from
I will not ask you and neither would you
Honey just put your sweet lips on my lips
We should just kiss like real people do
I don't think much more needs to be said about that. It's a nice sentiment - to not be judged for who you were in the past. To find someone who can see you as who you are now. Who wants to uncover you, even though you've felt like an awful, dead thing for so long. Such a thing exists. It's rare but it's precious.
All the videos are linked in the titles for your listening pleasure. Thanks for reading!
Obviously, I got off track last year. But I think everyone did, so I don't feel too bad. I was a bit aggressive with my original ambitions and, when you do that, you're just asking to be derailed by something. I had a nice reprieve to fall back into old, comfortable habits in 2020 but it's time to return to the music with renewed intention and awareness. A few less tangents, more actual music-oriented content. Don't get me wrong - there will be rants. Just a lot less of them. I'm planning to resume the trek through the 100 Greatest Albums that I started last January, albeit without the time limit. I'm going to try to do about one album a week so we'll hopefully be through most of them by this time next year.
In between - because I get bored easily - I have some new ideas I'll be playing around with. First, as I mentioned, 2020 was a year with a ridiculous amount of albums released and I'm almost certain that trend is going to continue in 2021. As such, I'd like to actually try to listen to some of them and share my humble opinion. I also still have several music-related books I was planning to read, one of which I believe is a legit doctoral thesis because it is a massive 1000+ page tome. Netflix has a shit ton of new musician and music-oriented documentaries (some of which look super interesting) that I'd like to review. And YouTube has been recommending a lot of great artists from all over the globe whose music I'd like to feature. Speaking of artist spotlights, I've been actively trying to get to know the bands and musicians whose music I like but haven't necessarily listened to outside of what gets to the Top 40. And, finally, I'll be sharing some of my Spotify playlists and the thought process behind some of the staples I've picked for those lists. All in all, it should be a fun year of discovery and introspection.
So that's my promise for 2021. Reviews, rants, and only a dash of madness. There's probably still going to be too much Taylor Swift fangirling and, for that, I apologize in advance. Stay tuned.
