"Kiss from a Rose" by Seal

I admit, this song is a little ridiculous but, given the topics I plan to write about during the rest of this month, I think some levity is in order. My husband and I have been watching "Community" for one of our shows to watch through (we usually pick one 20-30 minute show, one hour-long show, and a couple throw-aways *cough*Start Trek*cough* for when I'm feeling tired). We've been getting through it quick because we can't watch "Supernatural" when my son wants to hang out with us - he's scared of the transition music which, to be fair, is pretty loud. I'm a hardcore Jeff-and-Annie shipper and it has been painfully slow to get to this point in the show (where Jeff realizes he actually has real feelings for Annie, not the superficial attraction he's had for other women throughout the show). Although "Community" is an ensemble cast and each character generally gets similar amounts of screentime and shenanigans, Jeff has been set up from the start as sort of the "main protagonist" amidst a show designed with multiple protagonists. His character arc is the most extreme in terms of personal growth and many of the Jeff-centric episodes focus on him dealing with hidden psychological issues or the inner conflict he feels between doing what he's always done (be selfish) and being a good friend to someone else in the group. To his credit, he often chooses the latter option but in the episodes where his selfish-ness wins, it often results in hilarious, unintended consequences. For instance, in the episode where "Kiss from a Rose" is featured, he has claimed he is sick to get out of helping Annie move. While he's at the mall, enjoying his "sick" day, he runs into Dean Pelton, who blackmails Jeff into spending the day with him to prevent him from ratting Jeff out to the group.

There used to be a greying tower alone on the sea

You became the light on the dark side of me

Love remained a drug that's the high and not the pill

But did you know that when it snows

My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen?

In "Community," Jeff has been consistently presented with a choice between two potential love interests. Britta represents Jeff's old life and what he was able to get out of it. Britta is pretty, which is what draws him in, but there's not much substance or chemistry between them. They spend a lot of time bickering or making passive-aggressive barbs at each other. She's judgmental and looks down on him for being selfish but when looked at closely, her zest for activism is a front and it's more of a persona for her than a solid system of beliefs and principles. Given the timing of Community's run, this was when "white feminism" - i.e., feminists who believe their way of feminism is the best (only) way and doesn't account for issues that predominantly affect women of color or the LGBT community - started being seen for what it was. Another way to police the choices and beliefs of women through societal pressure. In an ironic twist, in terms of behavior, Britta is probably the least feminist female character of the main ensemble. Contrast that to Annie, who is the more classically feminine (at least in wardrobe) character who prides herself on being the best student and is just a touch naive when we first meet her. It's often these competing interpretations of femininity that drives the more Annie-and-Britta-centered episodes.

Annie is our "pure of heart" character. Annie represents what Jeff was missing from the beginning - innocent enthusiasm, ambition tempered with integrity, and confidence in her intelligence and ability to make things happen. She's also imaginative, creative, resourceful, and - due to a stint in rehab - wiser than her age would suggest. Annie's not without her shortcomings, though. She can be intensely competitive, uptight about following rules, neurotic, and childish when she's upset - but she's working through those issues. Strangely enough, despite being the youngest character in the main ensemble, Annie's tendency to stand by her principles and lean into difficult but necessary life choices makes her one of the most adult characters on the show. While Britta is still struggling to uncover the root of her identity issues in Season 6 (and has been relegated to the role of comedic relief vs love interest), Annie has evolved into a heroine in her life and the lives of her friends. In short, Annie is authentically herself, something that both baffles and attracts Jeff in the beginning. As he works through his various psychological issues, her authenticity only becomes more attractive. It's also the thing that causes him to stay at arm's length - because he's afraid he's not good enough and if he fucks it up, he'll end up ruining the light inside her. That's Jeff's motivation as a character - in becoming a better person (or, at least, less selfish and cynical), he also is in the process of learning he deserves to be happy, too. We'll see what happens but if Season 6 doesn't wrap up this situation, I might throw a slipper at the TV.

I've been reading a lot about writing and building up relationship dynamics for a story I'm constructing. Essentially, the key to a good romance is avoiding taking the plunge into a love story too soon - you've got to build the attraction and tension first, so the reader makes the "ship" association before you even think about putting your characters into a romantic entanglement together. Both characters must have a good foundation on their own and the relationship must satisfy something in both their stories. Here's what I think happened with "Community" - in the first episode, the catalyst that gets the whole ensemble together is Jeff creating a fake study group so he could have a chance to convince Britta to have sex with him. But as the series went forward, it was clear there was more romantic chemistry between Jeff and Annie (despite the cringy age difference - canonically, by Season 5, Jeff is 40 and Annie is 23). Throughout the show, the writers keep trying to make a Jeff and Britta work as a couple but it's clear their chemistry is more brother/sister, despite them both being attractive people who - in theory - are a more logical (and age-appropriate) pair than Jeff and Annie. There is a writing fear that if you promise something in the beginning, it will be delivered by the final act. Jeff and Britta growing together was supposed to be the light at the end of the tunnel. During the series, it did eventually happen but it was boring, unsatisfying, and didn't really work out. That's how life is, sometimes.

There is so much a man can tell you, so much he can say

You remain my power, my pleasure, my pain

Baby, to me, you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny

Won't you tell me, is that healthy, baby?

But did you know that when it snows

My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen?

Let's move on to the song. I've never understood what the lyrics meant. I knew it was some trite, romantic, poetic shit but what "a kiss from a rose on the grey" actually means? No clue. Yes, my friends, I looked it up. Spoiler alert: It's a drug reference. What?! Seal - father to Heidi Klum's four kids - is writing a song about drugs?! Well, sort of. Essentially, he's comparing the subject of the song (Heidi?) to taking amphetamines when you're depressed. If you were listening during DARE time in grade school, you should be aware that different categories of drugs have different effects on the Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS). Depressants, like alcohol, slow it down and, among other things, make it difficult to concentrate, think, or function without a delayed reaction time. Hallucinogens have a psychotropic effect (they make you see and hear things that may not exist or may not be a reflection of reality). And stimulants, like amphetamines, speed up the SNS, resulting in symptoms such as hyper-focus, overconfidence, and racing thoughts. Stimulants result in the release of a lot of dopamine and norepinephrine, so the effects are not unlike how you feel during the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship - hence, the comparison may be quite an accurate one. Taking a stimulant when you're depressed, probably feels like being on a rocket - but I also imagine the crash is equally impactful. As we've discussed, the "honeymoon" period only lasts about 6 months on average and we're less and less likely to feel this "high" feeling as time goes on. It is extremely unusual to feel it after a year and at this point in a relationship, you're probably running more on oxytocin and attachment fears. Dopamine is still released but the amount is more manageable and you can generally focus on other things, in addition to your relationship. Seal might be talking about this brief period in a relationship but - as indicated by the lyric, "the more I get of you, the stranger it feels" - it could mean he's used to being let down by relationships and that's not happening in this situation. Things just keep getting better and he's still feeling that "high" whenever he is with this person. This is usually when people freak out and sabotage themselves, which is something people with a history of depression often do. Especially if they're taking drugs. 

You may recall that "Kiss from a Rose" was released as a single from the "Batman Forever" soundtrack. True story: "Batman Forever" was the first movie I ever stood in line to see on opening day. I was a big fan of Batman when I was a kid, because my favorite animal was a bat. The nocturnal exhibit at the zoo is still my favorite - it's cool, it's dark, and there's usually no one in there. Besides that, I have reason to believe that this movie played a huge role in the creation of my Love Map, which is the template we use for relationships and other things in life. Nicole Kidman as Dr. Chase Meridian, psychologist and badass, is basically my aesthetic. She combined the noir archetype and style of the Femme Fatale with being the hyper-intelligent, independent woman that was en vogue for action movie love interests during the mid-90s. As a character, she showed a woman could have a thriving psychology practice, kickbox in her free time, AND wear pencil skirts on the daily. As for Val Kilmer, I would say he's my favorite Batman out of the late 20th century options (the others being Michael Keaton and George Clooney) - he definitely fits my "type" physically, especially when he's wearing (totally unnecessary) glasses and he played the "dark and brooding" version of the Batman character convincingly. There's a lot of good things about this movie which keep it from being the worst Batman movie. It leaned into its inherent campiness and, as a purely cinematic experience, it's a fun movie to watch.

Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey

Ooh, the more I get of you, the stranger it feels, yeah

Now that your rose is in bloom

A light hits the gloom on the grey

COVID-19 Update: I've been taking a social media break for my anxiety. I deleted most social media apps except for YouTube and Pinterest, which I don't even count as social media. It has helped immensely, especially getting away from Twitter - the COVID updates combined with the usual political outrage wheel and Spiritual Twitter drama was becoming a huge energy vacuum for me. I meant to only do the break for one week but it's been two so far and I don't hate it. I might extend it another week or two, because I honestly don't miss it. Sure, I don't know what the exact COVID numbers are for the local area anymore but I get enough information to know that the numbers are still bad, the curve isn't "flattened," and isolation is probably going to continue for at least another month, if not more. Without all that scrolling, though, I have a surprising amount of free time on my hands. I've used it to catch up on my reading. I'm reading everything - pregnancy books, psychology books, witchcraft books, and a couple fiction books, too, for good measure. I've made a goal to finish at least four of the books I've been reading in August. I've also spent a lot of time writing - outside of this blog. I do have things planned for August, but they may not be as frequent, especially since I'm trying to navigate the new Blogger interface. Expect a COVID update on most posts - I'm documenting little tidbits of modern life during this time for posterity. As I mentioned, some weirdo in the future might be interested in how I - a teleworking mother with novel-writing aspirations - chose to spend her time in isolation. Not going to lie - I spend a lot of it watching "Schitt's Creek" on Netflix.

"Kiss from a Rose" Video

"You're So Vain" by Carly Simon

This song came up in a conversation I recently had with my husband. I had my hair tied up with a claw clip after a long day of work. He said it looked nice and asked if I had intentionally left out the strands of hair around my face. The answer, of course, was yes (because otherwise, it looks too severe). He told me, "You're so vain!" To which I replied, "You probably think this song is about you..." Because we communicate in song lyrics and movie/TV quotes. We're better at song lyrics, not as successful with movie/TV quotes because we don't have a lot of overlap in our preferences. This week, the collective slipped into Leo season after an eventful transit through Cancer. Leos get a somewhat undeserved reputation for being self-involved, vain, and maybe even a little narcissistic. A holistic psychologist/astrologer whom I admire, Jason Holley, actually reads Leo energy as potentially narcissistic behavioral patterns and, depending on what else is in the natal chart, that may be accurate. Leo is the sign of self-love, self-esteem, confidence, pride, and going after our heart's desires. Excessive pride and vanity can be part of narcissistic patterns but there's also a depth of self-hatred and insecurity in narcissism. It seems like a contradiction but the main takeaway is that someone who really has self-love doesn't need external validation - they don't need Instagram likes, they don't compare themselves to others, and they can accept others being different and unique without feeling like it's an assault on their whole identity.

It got me thinking because I've been watching a lot of Dr. Ramadi videos describing narcissism and narcissistic abuse, which has helped me make a lot of sense of my childhood (ironically, my mom is a Leo), as well as more recent experiences. I've learned and re-learned so much and believe me, there is so much more I want to say than I'm able to put into a single post (which is going to be so much longer than I intended). But if my insights and mental processing helps someone who stumbles upon this post, then it's worth it.

You walked into the party

Like you were walking on to a yacht

Your hat strategically dipped below one eye

Your scarf, it was apricot

You had one eye in the mirror

As you watched yourself Gavotte

And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner

They'd be your partner, and

I've become especially intrigued by all the different kinds of narcissism and how the signs manifest depending on what sort of narcissist you're dealing with and in what context (spouse, parent, sibling, coworker, friend). We all can guess the signs of a grandiose narcissist, because they're usually easiest to detect. But there are so many other indicators of narcissism and manipulation we often ignore, because they seem unconnected. I'm going to pull some examples of this from true life, because this is an unfortunate situation that hits uncomfortably close to home at the moment. Narcissists seem to suck up all the air in the room and dominate the conversation. But when others are talking, they seem annoyed or distracted - and if you're saying something they don't want to hear or that they're not interested in, they will make it known by invalidating what you said (you don't know what you're talking about" or "you're wrong"), changing the subject ("I'd rather talk about something else" or "I'm not interested in this"), or (in the worst case) get angry and demeaning (they get to hurling insults and blaming you really quick when they're cornered). However, if you do any of those things when they're talking, brace yourself because narcissists become enraged quicker than you can turn your head. Communal narcissists have a tendency to get involved in big projects that are over their head and then the people who are pulled in by their initial enthusiasm end up doing all the work (fallen for this more than a few times in the past year). Or, they're the person who feels like they need to police "goodness" like being judgmental about your bad habits (criticizing when you eat junk food or smoke), calling out things as sexist, racist, or otherwise bigoted but not being aware of their own bigoted beliefs and actions (again, never point this out - it ends bad), or they give time/money generously (to charity or to friends) but then complain about it ("you're so ungrateful") or make sure everyone who benefited from their spending knows about it ("remember that time I bought everyone dinner" or "the events that I plan are always so much better than this").

For a narcissist, everyone else is incompetent and can't do anything right (because they won't do things the narcissist's way) - until the narcissist is face-to-face with someone, then they're all flattery and politeness. That's another tell-tale sign - they always seem to be on their best behavior when others are around but when you're in private, that's when the little digs come out and they start criticizing you. Narcissists are inauthentic - they portray a version of themselves to the world that is so divorced from the person they actually are, you wonder if you're dealing with two different people. This is especially true in the beginning of a relationship - they are perfect, everything you ever wanted, but then the facade starts slipping once they have you hooked and you're stuck struggling to recapture that magic of the first few weeks or months you knew them. Sorry bud - that wasn't a real person. They were just mirroring the person you told them you wanted but they can't deal with the complexities of a real human relationship. Yes, this is even true with narcissistic parents, which is why they often seem like a picture-perfect parent when their children are young but when that child begins to develop a personality and a sense of individuality, they get more irritable and their behavior towards the child becomes colder. A baby is an accessory for them to show off but a child - especially a strong-willed child - becomes another reflection of their inner feelings of inadequacy. If they can, they will mold the child in their image (creating a "Golden Child" and sometimes this results in the child taking on narcissistic patterns). However, in some cases, they'll act like the child is nothing but trouble (creating a "Scapegoat"), or they'll completely ignore the child when it isn't serving their needs (the "Invisible Child"). I'm serious - understanding these roles and patterns has helped me understand so much about the family dynamics of when I was growing up and how it shaped myself and my sisters.

Oh, you had me several years ago

When I was still quite naive

When you said that we made such a pretty pair

And that you would never leave

But you gave away the things you loved

And one of them was me

I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee

Clouds in my coffee, and

Out of all of them, though, I think the most insidious is covert narcissism, because this type in particular is hard to identify, which makes it even harder to escape. They're baffling because they don't fit the pattern we typically associate with narcissism. People can spend decades in a toxic relationship with a covert narcissist, suffering from manipulation, emotional and psychological abuse for years, all the while trying to convince themselves "it's not that bad" or - even worse - feeling guilty and worrying they're a bad person because they're tired of trying to making it work with someone who is always down on themselves and is impossible to please. Being in a relationship with any kind of narcissist is exhausting, but it sounds like covert narcissists are even more draining. Narcissism is marked by the extreme need for external validation and hypersensitivity, but where typical narcissism comes with extroversion and charisma, covert narcissism is accompanied by introversion and social anxiety. Instead of going on about how great they are to gain narcissistic supply, covert narcissists turn to self-pity and sob stories. They'll often use a hard childhood (because narcissism is usually inter-generational) as an excuse for their bad behavior (yet never seem to want to get therapy for it....that's weird). Unlike traditional narcissism, which uses downward comparisons (i.e., no one is better than me), covert narcissism tends toward upward comparisons (i.e., everyone is better than me). They often use self-deprecating comments ("I'm so stupid, ugly, lazy, untalented, etc.") to extract the validation and adoration they crave. For this reason, they tend to attract highly empathic people or people who have a "rescuer" mentality, who will use all their energy to elevate the narcissist's self-esteem (a losing battle - attempts at validation never last long). Covert narcissists are extremely envious people and they tend to exhibit jealousy, dislike, or even hatred for anyone they consider more attractive, more successful, more talented, or more anything they wish they had or could be (even their children). I've seen this before - when you point out another person is good at something, the covert narcissist will snap back that the person isn't as talented or they'll make some comment like, "well, I could be good at that if I had that much free time." Somehow, they'll make an otherwise innocuous observation a commentary about themselves. Covert narcissism does come with social anxiety but you'll notice that anxiety is only really bad when it's something you want to do or an event focused on you (like a work dinner or seeing your family). Either they will refuse to go, or if they do agree to go, they'll be sullen the whole time and make you feel guilty to the point that you choose to leave early, just to avoid the hassle. However, if you were to react the same way, there would be hell to pay. Narcissistic abuse is usually characterized by isolating the victim from their friends and family but it can get especially bad with a covert narcissist, because you wanting to maintain relationships apart from them triggers their insecurity even more - so you don't. You end up isolating yourself to accommodate their insecurities.

Narcissists, as a whole, are incredibly insecure. And you may think a covert narcissist has low self-esteem, until you realize they don't do things people with low self-esteem normally do, like avoid spending time and money on themselves. People with low self-worth literally don't think it's worth spending the time, money, or energy on themselves - so they don't. At my lowest point, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror to brush my teeth, let alone do my hair or put on makeup. And actually buy myself something nice like a massage or a new outfit? Forgeddaboutit! I didn't think I deserved it. It's hard to get over this mindset - I will still wait several months before going to get a slightly expensive haircut or massage I've been thinking about (but I'm getting better). Narcissists (even covert ones), on the other hand, spend loads of time and money on themselves to maintain an idealized version of themselves. But if you bring up their habits or want to spend a little time and money on yourself, expect the worst. It's only okay when they do it and if you call them out on that hypocrisy, you're in for another fight. Because there's always another fight. And eventually, you find yourself walking on eggshells and suppressing your own needs and desires, simply because standing up for yourself (and sometimes others) is not worth the trouble anymore. Because fighting with a narcissist is frightening - it's unexpected, it's usually over something trivial, it's over-exaggerated in proportion to what happened, and it's demeaning because they have no limits. It's not that they don't have empathy, like sociopaths - they do, they just don't use it for what it's meant for. They use their understanding of how others feel as a weapon. And depending on how long you've known them and how close your relationship is, they know exactly where to poke to cause you the most pain - they know your deepest fears and insecurities, they know your weaknesses, and they know what boundaries you've left undefended. That's one of the things I had to learn this the hard way - I want to fight back, I want to think I can make someone see what they are doing and the pain they are causing, to make them understand. Trust me - they won't. This strategy only ever brought more attention from whatever narcissist I was dealing with to me - and attracting more attention from them makes you the prime target.

You're so vain

You probably think this song is about you

You're so vain (you're so vain)

I'll bet you think this song is about you

Don't you?

Don't you?

Don't you?

There's so much more, I could probably write a book on what I understand now and how it relates to my own experiences, but mostly, I've just been using the knowledge to heal some fairly deep inner child wounds. Lately, I've been reading "The Body Keeps Score" by Bessel van der Kolk. The insights I've gotten from just reading the first few chapters have been amazing. It has explained in very concrete, scientific terms things such as: why running feels so good for me (it felt like I couldn't run away as a child); why singing makes me so happy, even when no one can hear me, even when the songs are sad (singing stimulates the polyvagal nerve, which helps regulate the body's reaction to emotions); why I don't like yelling, even if I'm the one who is doing the yelling (it triggers my "freeze" response from childhood memories of verbal abuse); why people often say I have resting bitch face (showing any emotion to narcissists is dangerous - and I've learned they really don't like RBF because it makes it hard to gain narcissistic supply from a person); and my complex relationship with food and my weight (I've discussed my struggle with an eating disorder in past posts). I haven't gotten to this part yet but Dr. van der Kolk explains more about alternative therapies for trauma around the body-mind link and how incorporating these therapies is essential for any type of psychological healing. Our physical vessel is a system - you can't heal the mind and soul without engaging the body, without understanding how our bodies react to psychological trauma and pain. Our bodies tell us very important things about our environment and, in particular, in our relationships with others. Unfortunately, it's the physical signs we often ignore, because we think we should rely on our rational/logical mind. However, "The Body Keeps Score" follows this as one of it's main themes - the mind can and will lie to you, the body doesn't. Narcissistic abuse - which I've talked a lot about today, because that's what I'm healing from - manifests in a number of physical ailments. Breathing problems, gastro-intestinal issues, muscle pains, headaches, sleeping disturbances, difficulties with concentration and memory, and just a general feeling of exhaustion develop when you've been the victim of narcissistic abuse, especially if it's a long-term relationship. It's no coincidence my first night sleeping in my dorm room at college was the best night's sleep I had ever gotten at that point in my life. Just being away from a narcissist can be a healing, in a very physical sense, after you've gotten over the pain of being discarded, ignored, or forgotten. Ironically, that healing is often what brings them back to you. Don't fall for it, don't let them reel you back in - it'll be even worse once the honeymoon period is over (and this period never lasts as long as you hope it will).

COVID update on a somewhat related note - we had a virtual farewell party for a friend who was changing jobs. The "official" party lasted an hour but a bunch of us stayed on for another hour and a half, just reminiscing, laughing, and having a good time. It was nice. And the miraculous thing was the trouble I've been having with breathing seemed to have disappeared for those few hours, which tells me two things: 1. Although the baby is pressing on my lungs and diaphragm, most of my breathing troubles are due to anxiety and 2. I really miss being around people, especially my work family. I wouldn't call myself a social butterfly by any means - I tend to score slightly higher on introversion, even though I'd technically call myself an ambivert - but being around people and bringing them together has always been a source of joy for me. The virtual party wasn't as awkward as I thought so I'm considering letting my sister plan the virtual baby shower she's been asking about for months (a work friend I brought this up to liked this idea, so I'm leaning more towards "yes"). Maybe. I know I'm running out of time.

"You're So Vain" Video

"Enchanted" by Taylor Swift

Today marks the second New Moon in Cancer for this year and the first new moon after Eclipse Season. Two new moons within the same sign is a rare occurrence and can only happen if the first new moon in a zodiac sign occurs at the 0 or 1 of the sign - which, if you remember, happened this Summer Solstice, when the new moon occurred at 0 Cancer. The way astrologer's have interpreted this occurrence as a chance to do the New Moon in Cancer over so if you wanted to do a New Moon ritual but chose not to due to the volatility of doing magic during an eclipse period, you've got the go ahead now. The New Moon in Cancer is an especially good time to work with the Divine Feminine and Dark Goddesses, doing inner child shadow work, or magic concerning love, family, home, and personal manifestation.

There I was again tonight forcing laughter, faking smiles

Same old tired, lonely place

Walls of insincerity

Shifting eyes and vacancy vanished when I saw your face

All I can say is it was enchanting to meet you

To celebrate the Moon being in her domicile, Cancer, I picked a song by an artist whose Moon in Cancer placement truly defines her work - Taylor Swift. I have this theory that all people with water moons filter life and relationships (especially romantic relationships) through a particular story lens within their internal monologue. Cancer Moons have a tendency to view romance through the traditional fairy tale/fantasy lens. Scorpio Moons filter it through a paranormal romance or neo-noir lens. And Pisces Moons filter life through what I call a more whimsical indie romance lens (for example, picture any film by Wes Anderson). Cancer placements have a reputation for being old-fashioned and even a little traditional. This translates into an aesthetic that is classic and maybe even a little bit vintage. For example, Dita von Teese, whose South Node is in Cancer (North Node in Capricorn), has built an entire career around vintage glamour and feminine beauty - she's simply capitalizing on what her soul knows best (an exquisite interpretation of this nodal axis)! By traditional, it's been said that Cancer energy has a very Disney-movie-esque interpretation of love. Big romantic gestures, a steady courtship based on friendship, the idea of soul mates, a tasteful engagement ring, a fantasy wedding, and then happily ever after, which involves a nice house with a white picket fence, 2.5 children (and possibly more - Cancer is the Mom of the zodiac), and a couple pets. It does evoke the imagery of a fairy tale romance, which has been a staple of Swift's music from the beginning. Even in her racier songs, she relies on her elite story telling to depict a cinematic interpretation within the corresponding music video. Aside from this, her aesthetic is generally very classic and feminine. Even when she went on her angry, goth tangent for her "Reputation" album (i.e., embracing her Scorpio Rising), those elements were still present in both the wardrobe styling and the music.

Your eyes whispered "have we met?"

Across the room your silhouette starts to make it's way to me

The playful conversation starts

Counter all your quick remarks, like passing notes in secrecy

And it was enchanting to meet you

All I can say is I was enchanted to meet you

Taking a look at Swift's natal chart, she has a number of oppositions along the Cancer-Capricorn axis. Although the opposition aspect can be challenging, mastering those challenges can bring a lot of rewards. Aspects, in astrological understanding, bring a special focus and relationship between the planets in the aspect and the signs those planets fall in. Remember that an opposition relationship (such as between Cancer-Capricorn) is a relationship where the energies are trying to do similar things using different methods. Mastery, in this case, would mean being able to balance the positive aspects from both signs to create an even stronger effect. Taylor Swift's Mercury in Capricorn (planet communication) is in a strong opposition with her Jupiter (planet of Luck and Fortune) in Cancer and conjunct Neptune (planet of dreams and imagination) in Capricorn. Jupiter is also exalted in Cancer, giving this planet's beneficial effects more power. Astrologer's can interpret this opposition as Swift being especially good at her method of communication (music) and also having a special ability to describe her thoughts and feelings when she does communicate. Mercury in Capricorn also means that she has a calculated and well-planned way of organizing her thoughts when she does use her musical abilities. Another aspect of all this Capricorn energy is that she is no stranger to hard work and she can a veritable workaholic, especially when she's on tour. Her Moon in Cancer in loose opposition to multiple planets in Capricorn means she views those she works with and for as family and Taylor Swift is notorious for being incredibly gracious, generous, and kind to fans, her backup dancers, and other people who assist her when she's working. With Saturn in Capricorn opposite Jupiter in Cancer, it's also no surprise that she succeeded very early on in her music career (she became famous when she was 16 years old) and has been able to maintain and grow from that level of success. Finally, her Neptune in Capricorn is loosely opposite her Moon and Chiron in Cancer. This means she is able to manifest and make others understand her emotions and, in particular, her inner wounding. As I mentioned before, Taylor Swift has a different song for every kind of heartache. If you're being bullied, she has a song for that. If you've been cheated on (or, conversely, been cheated with - she has experienced playing both parts), she has songs for that. If you've been in love with someone who doesn't know you exist, she has dozens of songs for that. Part of this is because she has dated a lot - Cancer placements have a tendency to be on a perpetual search until they find "The One" - but she also had a lot of life experience for her short 30 years, because of the success she's had. With Chiron in Cancer, she is hypersensitive to how others react to her feelings and needs and I'm sure she's been on the receiving end of comments such as she's "too much" or "too sensitive." And that's the fine line those of us with personal placements in Cancer must walk - we're highly empathetic but we also want someone who is equally compassionate and caring and are often disappointed. With this Chiron placement, people often get in a cycle of repressing their own needs to make others comfortable, which only leads to resentment and self-betrayal. Again, the key here is balance and the uncanny ability of fill your own cup first before giving to others, something all Cancer placements must learn to master.

This is me praying that this was the very first page

Not where the story line ends

My thoughts will echo your name, until I see you again

These are the words I held back, as I was leaving too soon

I was enchanted to meet you

I chose this song because it very recently was added to my list of top Taylor Swift songs. Although my favorite T-Swift song will probably always be "Everything Has Changed," which still makes me smile and calms my heart (seriously, liquefy this song and shoot it straight into my veins, please), "Enchanted" comes in as a close 2nd place. Over the past year, I've gotten into the habit of listening to the "This is Taylor Swift" playlist on Spotify whenever I'd have a particularly rough day, which is how I found this song. She is prolific and this is one of her older songs, from when she could still be roughly classified as country music. The lyrics depicts that fairy tale vibe you see in so many romance stories - eyes met across the room, love at first sight, and all that jazz. The high you feel after a moment or night like the one she describes. The uncertainty of whether the other person felt the same or if it's all in your head. In general, it's a sweet, youthful song, which I felt captured the essence of today's New Moon in Cancer. Enjoy!

"Enchanted" Video

"Fighter" by Christina Aguilera

Happy Belated Bastille Day! As you may have guessed from my greeting, I intended to publish this yesterday but I was hit by a wave a fatigue and I decided to rest instead of write. It's not all the baby's fault. To be honest, it's mostly mine. It feels as if I have more work to do when I'm teleworking and I don't have that hard "stop" at the end of the day anymore. Being at home, I also feel obligated to stop whatever I'm doing to either parent/play with my child or clean during my breaks - and the cleaning imperative has gotten more urgent the longer I'm stuck at home. Also, my husband has my son and I on lockdown, so I don't even get to go on grocery trips anymore. And I enjoy those grocery shopping excursions. So, if I'm tired, it's because I'm doing too much and not taking enough time for self-care, as perusual. Trying to settle into a new routine but struggling with feeling guilty for taking time to myself? Yeah - sounds like Cancer season, alright.

After all of the stealing and cheating you probably think that

I hold resentment for you

But uh uh, oh no, you're wrong

'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do, I wouldn't know

Just how capable I am to pull through

So I want to say thank you

"Fighter" recounts Christina Aguilera's epic showdown against Spider Pig. "What?!" You may ask. Of course I'm making that up - I'm sure it's about some narcissist Christina encountered during her climb to fame, but I prefer the meaning my husband gave this song. It's kind of a ridiculous story but my husband's phone playlist contains both this song and the Spider Pig theme from "The Simpsons." Due to random chance, we were driving somewhere one day and these two songs play back-to-back. We got to talking about how Christina Aguilera looks like a comic book villain in the video. And, thus, Christina Aguilera became Spider Pig's archnemesis. We gave her a whole back story and everything. Believe me - Spider Pig did Christina way dirty. Anyway, it's hard to hear this song without giving it that context in my mind.

Never saw it coming, all of your backstabbing

Just so you could cash in on a good thing before I'd realize your game

I heard you're goin' round playin', the victim now

But don't even begin feeling I'm the one to blame

'Cause you dug your own grave

After all of the fights and the lies cause you're wanting to haunt me

But that won't work anymore, no more,

It's over

'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture

I wouldn't know how to be this way now and never back down

So I want to say thank you

A few weeks ago, I mentioned a lot of superheroes were born during Cancer season, which led me to develop a theory as to why Cancerians serve as the Superhero Archetype. Sailor Moon - a show which revolved around astrology - made the leader/ruler of the Sailor Scouts a Cancer. Usagi Tsukino (or Serena, in the American version - and, yes, at one point, I did know all the Sailor Scouts Japanese names) had many faults - she was whiny as shit, boy crazy, was always eating, and was often moping over some perceived slight. But, as she developed as a character, she did come to embody the Evolved Cancer energy, which I'll describe later on. Other superheroes follow similar arcs or come ready made in this archetype - Ray Palmer, the Atom and ultimate Good Guy; Mary Marvel; Johnny Thunder; and even Superman was adopted by the Kents during Cancer season. It's also interesting how many actors who often specialize in playing the "hero" are Cancers - a non-exhaustive list includes Harrison Ford, Vin Diesel, Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks, Sylvester Stallone, Chris Pratt, Patrick Stewart, Olivia Munn, and Milo Ventimiglia. Key historic events - especially those with revolutionary fervor, like Bastille Day and the 4th of July - occur during Cancer season. And let's not forget Captain America himself - Steve Rogers - is a Cancer and will serve as our primary example of the Superhero Archetype. So what is it about Cancerians that lends itself to superhero status?

Cardinal signs in general tend to be sensitive to injustice. However, unlike other Cardinal signs, Cancers have a tendency to be like, "Fuck your rules, this is wrong at the most basic level." Aries has a tendency to say "Fuck your rules" because it violates their own sense of independence. Libras have a tendency to go along with the rules to avoid conflict, while secretly opposing/undermining them. Capricorn, Cancer's opposite, comes from the perspective of "this is wrong because it violates the rules" - being ruled by Saturn, this sign has a complicated relationship with authority - they are more likely to argue against war crimes based on what the Geneva Convention says, not based on the damage it does to the individuals and communities impacted. The thing about opposites is they are often trying to accomplish similar things using different methods. When it comes to the Cancer-Capricorn axis, it's an Emotional approach vs a Logical approach. Cancers, in general, don't have a reputation for being rebellious. That being said, you press the wrong nerve or mess with the wrong person, and their tendency towards chaotic good comes out.

How could this man I thought I knew

Turn out to be unjust so cruel

Could only see the good in you

Pretended not to know the truth

You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself

Through living in denial

But in the end you'll see

You won't stop me

I've compiled a brief list of typical Cancerian attributes and how those reflect what society expects of a superhero:

• Cancerians have a fierce protective instinct over those who are unable (or need help) to defend themselves. Superheroes are meant to defend the weak and unheard. Cancerians tend to have an inflamed sense of justice - and will take action if it is in their power. And they have no qualms about putting themselves in danger to fight the good fight. Famous Cancerians - such as Frida Kahlo and Lena Horne - used their notoriety to bring attention and assist those in need. Lena Horne was active in the Civil Rights Movement and during WWII, refused to do USO performances for segregated audiences. Steve Rogers fucking jumps on a (fake) grenade to protect his fellow soldiers, which is the catalyst for him being selected to become Captain America. However, in real life, that shit is dangerous and stupid - and as a Cancer, I know I've done similar things in the service of Freedom, Beauty, Truth, and Love (Moulin Rouge reference). Maybe not as dangerous, but definitely as stupid.
• Cancerians are loyal - sometimes to a fault. We see this in Steve Rogers relationship with Bucky Barnes. Bucky did terrible things as a Soviet asset - but Steve still saw the good in him and refused to give up on him, even when Bucky was kicking his ass. There's this amazing YouTube analysis of the final fight scene in "Winter Soldier," explaining that the only reason Cap was fighting Bucky was to protect others. When he succeeded in this mission, he would've let Bucky kill him and it's this willingness to sacrifice his life to avoid hurting Bucky that ultimately broke the Soviet programming controlling the Winter Soldier.
• Evolved Cancerians understand and honor boundaries, although it may take them some time to do this for themselves. This is a fine line to walk, because Cancer - like fellow water signs Pisces and Scorpio - has issues with boundaries. They often cross them in an effort to protect or help others; and they'll often allow others violate their boundaries out of a misplaced fear that enforcing boundaries is unkind. Due to these issues, they'll let toxic people into their lives and will let them stay for a long time - until they learn to find the balance and protect themselves. Then, Cancer becomes an expert at loving and respecting people from a distance. It's a hard lesson to learn - to care for someone so much yet also understand that they can't be in your life for some reason. When Tony Stark cut ties with Steve after learning what Bucky did while he was being mind-controlled, it hurt Steve immensely. But he accepted that Stark needed space to heal. And that's what Cancers are good at - holding emotional space for others.
• Cancerians may move on, but they don't let go. The line which struck me most in "Avengers: End Game" was during the scene where Cap is leading a grief support group. Cap tells the attendees that "You just gotta move on." Then he repeats it quietly to himself. It struck me because - although he has adapted to life as a man displaced in time - he never fully let go of the hope that he'd be with Peggy Carter someday. Cancers are excellent at this. They can go through the motions and even find some semblance of happiness after a tragic event. But, in their heart of hearts, they still cling to the past and the hope that the perfect life they envisioned will someday come to fruition. They are idealists and romantics to the extreme. They are just really good at keeping that part of themselves secret from others.
• Cancerians are empathetic. They understand emotions and relationships at a deeper level than other astrological signs. As a result, they tend to reserve judgement. They may disagree with your opinions or beliefs, but they'll genuinely try to understand where you're coming from. Cancers have a reputation of being the Nice Guy or Good Girl of the zodiac - it's not undeserved. Evolved Cancerians tend to be "evolved" because they've faced some sort of hardship in their life. Because of these experiences, they try to keep in mind that everyone has their own story and pain to deal with. As such, characters like Ray Palmer and Steve Rogers tend to be the epitome of what a "good person" should be like. Kind, respectful, calm, friendly, protective, generous, and always willing to help someone in need. In other words, all the positive traits that Cancer energy embodies.

That's it for now. Thanks for reading this blatant Cancer stan post. You're picturing Spider Pig, aren't you? I told you - that guy is a fucking bastard for what he did to Christina.

"Fighter" Video

"Song of the Siren" by The Bridge City Sinners

Cancer, out of all the signs, is the most connected to the Divine Feminine. The traits ascribed to this astrological sign hearken to depictions of the archetype of the Mother Goddess - kind, nurturing, intuitive, protective, and sensual. The glyph for Cancer (♋︎) is supposed to represent the parts of the body this sign governs - the breasts and the stomach (or more accurately, the womb). Yes, there's a stereotype that Cancers have the best boobs (which I'm not going to argue against...because we do). And we often get pigeon-holed into the role of the "Mom-friend" (guilty as charged). It's the zodiac sign most closely linked to anahata, the Heart Chakra. However, you may see the Yin-Yang symbol as well, which is not surprising - as a Cardinal water sign, it brings together what modern society has convinced us are opposites. All Cardinal signs are leaders, but Cancer - being considered the most feminine of the group - is often underestimated and discounted as one. Where Libra leads with the mind, Cancer leads with the heart. While Capricorn defends physical security, Cancer defends emotional security. Where Aries charges forward with energy and force, Cancer leverages relationships to make subtle changes with effects that ripple outward. Cancer has gentle strength, relies on wisdom that often doesn't come from books, and prefers to rule with kindness.

The Cancerian archetype is considered one of the most protective signs - huge Mama Bear energy. In line with the Mother Goddess mythos, this protection is generally extended to other women and children. I know there's a lot going on right now, but there are several female-centered events going on as of late that you should be aware of. We're in the midst of a second #MeToo wave, this time going after illustrators, publishers, and music industry representatives who exploited young women trying to gain recognition in their respective industries. The Jeffrey Epstein saga keeps unfolding and, with the recent arrest of Maxwell Ghislane, we're starting to see just how far the rabbit hole goes and learn more about the power players who have known about it all along and turned a blind eye. This is the real "pizzagate" and its not even making a blip on most people's radars because of all the noise. There was/is a real child sex trafficking ring that caters to the rich and powerful. Additionally, Congress is trying to pass more anti-sex worker legislation, which is even more draconian than SESTA/FOSTA and has dire implications for everyone's digital usage (I plan to write more about this next week). And, if we're able to do anything good in 2020, we're going to fucking #FreeBritney. We need to tackle the damage involuntary conservatorship does and make some guidelines. I know - it's overwhelming the amount of craziness being thrown at us. But it's always been there, the only difference is our eyes are open now and we have to deal with these waves as they come, before we're swept away.

Follow my voice

And you'll be home again

This is the song of the siren

I woke up the other morning with a bunch of sentences running through my head, all beginning with "the Divine Feminine is." Remembering our hermetic concepts and acknowledging that the Divine Feminine is present in all things, it helps to define Her, just as we defined the Divine Masculine. It may seem like they are oppositional but, in reality, they work in tandem. If one is out of balance, the other runs amok. The Divine Feminine is open to receiving. She listens to her inner knowing and is in touch with how she feels, both emotionally and physically. She believes kindness and empathy are strengths and cultivates relationships, rather than power. The Divine Feminine is still and tranquil - she is able to embrace chaos on the way to inner peace. She spends her time on creation rather than destruction. She seeks to master herself, but never at the expense of others. She believes that collaboration produces better results than competition. She understands that you have to find joy while on the journey rather than assuming it's waiting for you at the destination. The Divine Feminine honors her body and holds compassion for herself, as well as others. She honors her emotions and expresses them honestly and with consideration for the emotions of others. Finally, the Divine Feminine defines who she is for herself and does not let others - not society, not family, not even the Divine Masculine - dictate her path. 

I've been reading this book called "The Way of Grace" by Miranda Macpherson. In it, she talks about the spiritual value of ego relaxation and how to embrace Grace, which is a hard concept to wrap your head around. Grace is a religious concept representing the unmerited mercy of Spirit, something which is increasingly rare in a world where retaliation and vengeance against those who have wronged us is considered most satisfying. For some, of course, and I made a choice long ago that I didn't want to be one of those people. The Husband was teasing me yesterday, because Macpherson uses a lot of spiritual references, especially from Christianity. I wouldn't consider myself a Christian but I do believe in Jesus' teachings. It was one of the things I had to reconcile after I left the Church and began my path as a witch. Essentially, it boils down to choosing not to throw out the baby with the bathwater. The book - and the idea of Grace - has been comforting because I've felt like I've been in a constant state of confusion, like I can't trust my reality any more. As if I'm not seeing things or understanding things clearly, even though my mind is always going, always analyzing. Lately, I've been watching Dr. Ramani's videos on YouTube. She's a licensed psychologist who specializes in treating victims of narcissistic abuse. Her knowledge and dedication to educating people has inspired me to write down my own experiences, a lot of which are painful and left me very confused. I'm distanced enough from those situations that I can look upon it with Grace but that doesn't mean I fully understand what happened/is happening. It's an uncomfortable feeling and I'd like to help others navigate the discomfort, if I can. These things and the Ho'oponopono meditation have settled me somewhat. I've been staying in that energy of remaining still. It's hard to meditate when your mind is racing - ironically, that's usually when you need meditation the most.

I chose this song because sirens are my favorite mythological creature. As a rule, sirens are feminine and that is the source of their power. Femininity can be seductive but it can also be dangerous if left unchecked. It felt fitting because Cancer is a water sign and - this may surprise you - Cancers are often found at the top of "Most Dangerous Sign" lists. This is largely due to the negative aspects of the "unevolved" Cancerian archetype - moody, manipulative, irrational, unpredictable, and unexpectedly cold-hearted. The Sea is a cruel mistress, as it were. Not gonna lie - I'm all about Pirate-core music. As per Doth the Doth, "Pirates are just tropical goths."

"Song of the Siren" Video

Birthday Post: "Shake It Out" by Florence + the Machine

Last night, instead of watching my neighbors set off fireworks, I decided to watch "Twilight" instead. No idea why, just thought it would be a fun idea. I spent a feverish semester reading all four books and bonding over fictional sparkly vampires with my roommate during my senior year at university. This was around the time the movies started to come out. It was a short-lived fandom for me, before I understood the traditional romantic subtext and considered the damaging consequence of romanticizing a relationship where an older guy essentially begins stalking a young girl who is adjusting to a new life in unfamiliar surroundings. It was fun, though. And really, I think I had an urge to watch it because memes of one particular scene kept popping up on my Twitter feed. Early in the movie, there's a scene where Bella walks into her Biology class and the only seat left is next to Edward. She walks by a fan and Edward is supposedly driven mad by her smell. I can imagine the director's notes for Robert Pattinson judging by the outlandish overreaction he has at Bella's scent - "Just pretend like this bitch stanks." What resulted was A+ acting.

We also had a penumbral lunar eclipse at 13° Capricorn last night. Right on America's birthday, which professional astrologers say is significant (i.e., more craziness ahead). Since the eclipse falls within three days of my birthday as well - making it almost exactly opposite my natal Sun - this year should be pretty eventful for me, too. The Eclipse occurred in my 8th House, which rules over Death, Sex (and other forms of intimacy), and Finances from outside sources (inheritances, taxes, unexpected windfalls). No idea what that could mean. Rough interpretation could be that I win the lotto....or that someone I love dies (since it's a lunar eclipse, that often indicates a woman, especially a maternal figure). It could mean I might die - I am becoming a mother for the second time and the closer I get to my due date, the more scared I get about giving birth in a hospital in the current environment, especially if I need another C-section. Giving birth in a hospital, especially if the end of September and October are as bad as experts predict, will probably the highest risk of exposure I will have during this pandemic. The likelihood my husband may not be able to be there when I give birth increases the longer this situation spirals out of control. At this point, my parents and my oldest son will not be able to visit me in the hospital, which is going to suck if I end up being there for the minimum 3 days of C-section recovery. I'm trying not to worry about it but I'm still bracing myself for what comes next.

Regrets collect like old friends

Here to relive your darkest moments

I can see no way, I can see no way

And all of the ghouls come out to play

I'm turning 33, a very important year in numerology. The number 33 is considered a Master number and it's significant in all major religions. The number 3 symbolizes eternal life, the flow of nature, and spiritual growth. You've heard the saying that things (deaths, births, etc) come in threes? That's actually an ancient belief and 33 doubles the power of the number. It is believed Jesus died when he was 33, Alexander the Great also died at 33, Freemasonry has 33 degrees in its ranks, tons of Catholic and Freemasonry shit is centered around the number 33, well-known centers of paranormal occurrences fall along the 33rd parallel, and major events or important people came to power during years that ended in 33. Sorry - fell a little bit down the rabbit hole while researching the number 33. It's an exciting place to be. Fun and a little more cheerful fact: A survey conducted in the UK found that 70% of respondents say they were happiest, or that the best parts of their life began, at age 33. Isn't that nice? You may also have noticed I've set this post to publish at 3:45am, which is my birth time according to my birth certificate - 3am is considered the "witching hour," a coincidence that is not lost on me. In fact, I've always taken it as a good omen that this is my right path. Turning 33 begins a 10th year profection year in astrology - the 10th House is the House of Career and Reputation. Even though I've been struggling with prenatal depression, I have been writing a lot. And I've been struck with lots of inspiration lately - it feels channeled, almost, like it's coming from somewhere else. Still me, of course, still my words but coming from a higher place that's connected to something so much bigger. It's a good sign that I've gained the confidence in my writing needed to achieve the goals and dreams I have for myself.

And every demon wants his pound of flesh

But I like to keep some things to myself

I like to keep my issues strong

It's always darkest before the dawn

As a Gemini rising, it is said my destined life purpose is to be a Messenger. And I've really begun to identify with that purpose lately. That being said, I am planning on moving my esoteric/astrological/occult/spiritual rants to another medium. However, that's going to take some time, because I want to do it right this time. As much as I love Music Slut, it was stood up by a 22-year-old who found another free blog site for shouting into the void. There was never any purpose behind it, besides sharing the music that I love. It's been integral to the shaping of my voice and my discipline, and in that light, it has served me well. But I would like to return it to being purely about the music, which it hasn't been for a while. My new site will actually be hosted with a real domain name. The articles will be a lot better researched, more focused, and purposefully structured. I'll try to do a better job at editing so that I correct spelling and grammar mistakes before articles are published (and not catch them while I'm obsessively re-reading my posts after the fact). And I'm considering the idea of eventually offering tarot sessions and natal chart readings, after I've done some more learning. Additionally, I'll be working more on my fictional and poetic work offline, with a hope those things may be published by someone other than myself. I mention all this stuff to hold myself accountable and to speak it into existence. This is the direction I want to go during my 33rd loop around the Sun.

'Cause I am done with my graceless heart

So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart

'Cause I like to keep my issues strong

It's always darkest before the dawn

Finally, this will be an 8 year for me, which means my tarot card for the year is Strength. How do I know that? I just added up the numbers in my birthday for this year and reduce the number as far as it will go --> 7 + 6 + 2020 = 13 + 4 = 17 = 1+7 = 8. The number 8, in both numerology and tarot, can be....rough to say the least. The number 8 is associate with personal empowerment, achievement, and success. That all sounds good but it comes in the form of tough love and, while an 8 year is often transformative, it is usually intense. It's laying the ground work for the following two years, which represent the ending of a cycle and the beginning of a new one. While the preceding year (7) is also transformative, the changes and the journey to create transformation, are usually internal. The 8 year can bring a lot of turbulence in the physical reality and has often been described as a "testing ground." The number 8 is often associated with karma, so an 8 year can be a "you reap what you sow" kind of year, in the most literal sense. Hence why the Strength card is linked with this number - it is through hard times that we learn to rely on and cultivate our inner strength. The key to an 8 year is balance - there is a natural tendency to what to bulldoze through this year but, in order to get the most out of it, you have to make time to slow down as well.

I tried to dance with the devil on your back

And given half the chance would I take any of it back

It's a final mess but it's left me so empty

It's always darkest before the dawn

The recent eclipse has unraveled many revelations for me, as well as revealed some things I needed to learn. For example, a mundane revelation I had today was that I don't like birthday cake. Don't get me wrong - I love a good piece of cake....just not for my birthday. This year, I wanted a cheesecake for my birthday - to be precise, I wanted a slice from The Cheesecake Factory. Unpopular opinion - although their entire existence makes me want to gag, they do make pretty good cheesecake. Last year, I insisted on having Berry Shortcake for my birthday and in the years before that, I think I wanted some sort of fruit pie. While growing up, I've had multiple birthdays where I've opted for one of those giant chocolate chip cookies instead of cake. At work, I almost never eat a slice of cake for our birthday celebrations, although I do contribute to the Birthday Fund, because I believe that celebrating people is essential for creating an enjoyable workplace culture. It's never been my thing and I only just today saw the pattern. I know - that was a weird side tangent but - come on - you've read the rest of this post. My distaste for birthday cake is probably the least unusual thing about me.

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't

So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road

And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope

It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat

'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me

Looking for heaven, for the devil in me

Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

For the featured song, I chose "Shake It Out" by Florence + the Machine, one of my favorite artists. I feel like it sets the tone for the mindset I want to carry into this next year. I want to embrace how the past has shaped me but not let my past define my future. I want to face any setbacks, failures, and disappointments with open arms, as they often precede greater happiness. Although I have many concerns and fears right now, I want to move forward with a smile on my face and joy in my heart.

"Shake It Out" Video

"Name" by The Goo Goo Dolls

As I've mentioned many times before, I use music to cope with a lot of things. I allow it to shape my emotional landscape, changing it as it needs to, letting the lyrics and notes seep into my soul - hopefully to transform it into something even more beautiful. I listen to NF and My Chemical Romance to sort out my inner rage issues and form a deeper understanding of how the more unfortunate times in my life have made me the person I am. I listen to Hanson and the Spice Girls to get in touch with my Inner Child and remember the joy I shared with old friends. To honor the little girl I used to be. When I've had a rough day at work, I listen to Spotify's "This is Taylor Swift" playlist to cheer me up....and sometimes to put me in the right mindset on the commute to work - a commute I miss having because it was a slow 20 minutes that let me sit with myself for a moment and just be. Taylor Swift has a song for every kind of heartache - more on that later in Cancer season. Lately, the Universe has been telling me to just be still - something I'm not very good at, most of the time. I'm the type of person who likes to fill my day with projects and people, working and learning. Constantly keeping my mind going. Meditation has helped with that. So has waking up in the middle of the night and staring at the ceiling fan, an impromptu form of meditation in its own right.

And even though the moment passed me by

I still can't turn away

'Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose

Got tossed along the way

And letters that you never meant to send

Get lost or thrown away

"Name" is a song that provides me that "be still" energy and just accept the thoughts that float in. The lyrics are rather philosophical and pensive. Because the lyrics can be vague, I looked up the song meaning. Johnny Rzeznik wrote it about his past - his parents both died when he was young and his father was an alcoholic. In it, he reflects on his journey - the people he is singing to are his older sisters, who raised him. The feeling behind it is one of immense gratitude of being able to experience someone in life, regardless of how things ended up. The video depicts a bus of people, all traveling along on their own journey. Together, for a time. I know - super deep.

I think about you all the time

But I don't need the same

It's lonely where you are, come back down

And I won't tell 'em your name

I'm still pondering over what my birthday song will be this year. I don't want to use my old standby, because this is an important birthday that marks the start of an important year in my life. I'll talk more about why I believe this. There's more to it than the eclipse falling a day before my birthday, even though the energy this week has been especially intense, even for eclipse season. There's a lot happening right now - astrologically, politically, globally, spiritually - it can be hard to know how to unpack it all. If we even can. But I'm trying my best. I don't have much more to say about "Name" - it's one of my favorite songs and it speaks to me. There isn't much more to it than that.

"Name" Video