"Kiss from a Rose" by Seal

I admit, this song is a little ridiculous but, given the topics I plan to write about during the rest of this month, I think some levity is in order. My husband and I have been watching "Community" for one of our shows to watch through (we usually pick one 20-30 minute show, one hour-long show, and a couple throw-aways *cough*Start Trek*cough* for when I'm feeling tired). We've been getting through it quick because we can't watch "Supernatural" when my son wants to hang out with us - he's scared of the transition music which, to be fair, is pretty loud. I'm a hardcore Jeff-and-Annie shipper and it has been painfully slow to get to this point in the show (where Jeff realizes he actually has real feelings for Annie, not the superficial attraction he's had for other women throughout the show). Although "Community" is an ensemble cast and each character generally gets similar amounts of screentime and shenanigans, Jeff has been set up from the start as sort of the "main protagonist" amidst a show designed with multiple protagonists. His character arc is the most extreme in terms of personal growth and many of the Jeff-centric episodes focus on him dealing with hidden psychological issues or the inner conflict he feels between doing what he's always done (be selfish) and being a good friend to someone else in the group. To his credit, he often chooses the latter option but in the episodes where his selfish-ness wins, it often results in hilarious, unintended consequences. For instance, in the episode where "Kiss from a Rose" is featured, he has claimed he is sick to get out of helping Annie move. While he's at the mall, enjoying his "sick" day, he runs into Dean Pelton, who blackmails Jeff into spending the day with him to prevent him from ratting Jeff out to the group.

There used to be a greying tower alone on the sea

You became the light on the dark side of me

Love remained a drug that's the high and not the pill

But did you know that when it snows

My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen?

In "Community," Jeff has been consistently presented with a choice between two potential love interests. Britta represents Jeff's old life and what he was able to get out of it. Britta is pretty, which is what draws him in, but there's not much substance or chemistry between them. They spend a lot of time bickering or making passive-aggressive barbs at each other. She's judgmental and looks down on him for being selfish but when looked at closely, her zest for activism is a front and it's more of a persona for her than a solid system of beliefs and principles. Given the timing of Community's run, this was when "white feminism" - i.e., feminists who believe their way of feminism is the best (only) way and doesn't account for issues that predominantly affect women of color or the LGBT community - started being seen for what it was. Another way to police the choices and beliefs of women through societal pressure. In an ironic twist, in terms of behavior, Britta is probably the least feminist female character of the main ensemble. Contrast that to Annie, who is the more classically feminine (at least in wardrobe) character who prides herself on being the best student and is just a touch naive when we first meet her. It's often these competing interpretations of femininity that drives the more Annie-and-Britta-centered episodes.

Annie is our "pure of heart" character. Annie represents what Jeff was missing from the beginning - innocent enthusiasm, ambition tempered with integrity, and confidence in her intelligence and ability to make things happen. She's also imaginative, creative, resourceful, and - due to a stint in rehab - wiser than her age would suggest. Annie's not without her shortcomings, though. She can be intensely competitive, uptight about following rules, neurotic, and childish when she's upset - but she's working through those issues. Strangely enough, despite being the youngest character in the main ensemble, Annie's tendency to stand by her principles and lean into difficult but necessary life choices makes her one of the most adult characters on the show. While Britta is still struggling to uncover the root of her identity issues in Season 6 (and has been relegated to the role of comedic relief vs love interest), Annie has evolved into a heroine in her life and the lives of her friends. In short, Annie is authentically herself, something that both baffles and attracts Jeff in the beginning. As he works through his various psychological issues, her authenticity only becomes more attractive. It's also the thing that causes him to stay at arm's length - because he's afraid he's not good enough and if he fucks it up, he'll end up ruining the light inside her. That's Jeff's motivation as a character - in becoming a better person (or, at least, less selfish and cynical), he also is in the process of learning he deserves to be happy, too. We'll see what happens but if Season 6 doesn't wrap up this situation, I might throw a slipper at the TV.

I've been reading a lot about writing and building up relationship dynamics for a story I'm constructing. Essentially, the key to a good romance is avoiding taking the plunge into a love story too soon - you've got to build the attraction and tension first, so the reader makes the "ship" association before you even think about putting your characters into a romantic entanglement together. Both characters must have a good foundation on their own and the relationship must satisfy something in both their stories. Here's what I think happened with "Community" - in the first episode, the catalyst that gets the whole ensemble together is Jeff creating a fake study group so he could have a chance to convince Britta to have sex with him. But as the series went forward, it was clear there was more romantic chemistry between Jeff and Annie (despite the cringy age difference - canonically, by Season 5, Jeff is 40 and Annie is 23). Throughout the show, the writers keep trying to make a Jeff and Britta work as a couple but it's clear their chemistry is more brother/sister, despite them both being attractive people who - in theory - are a more logical (and age-appropriate) pair than Jeff and Annie. There is a writing fear that if you promise something in the beginning, it will be delivered by the final act. Jeff and Britta growing together was supposed to be the light at the end of the tunnel. During the series, it did eventually happen but it was boring, unsatisfying, and didn't really work out. That's how life is, sometimes.

There is so much a man can tell you, so much he can say

You remain my power, my pleasure, my pain

Baby, to me, you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny

Won't you tell me, is that healthy, baby?

But did you know that when it snows

My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen?

Let's move on to the song. I've never understood what the lyrics meant. I knew it was some trite, romantic, poetic shit but what "a kiss from a rose on the grey" actually means? No clue. Yes, my friends, I looked it up. Spoiler alert: It's a drug reference. What?! Seal - father to Heidi Klum's four kids - is writing a song about drugs?! Well, sort of. Essentially, he's comparing the subject of the song (Heidi?) to taking amphetamines when you're depressed. If you were listening during DARE time in grade school, you should be aware that different categories of drugs have different effects on the Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS). Depressants, like alcohol, slow it down and, among other things, make it difficult to concentrate, think, or function without a delayed reaction time. Hallucinogens have a psychotropic effect (they make you see and hear things that may not exist or may not be a reflection of reality). And stimulants, like amphetamines, speed up the SNS, resulting in symptoms such as hyper-focus, overconfidence, and racing thoughts. Stimulants result in the release of a lot of dopamine and norepinephrine, so the effects are not unlike how you feel during the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship - hence, the comparison may be quite an accurate one. Taking a stimulant when you're depressed, probably feels like being on a rocket - but I also imagine the crash is equally impactful. As we've discussed, the "honeymoon" period only lasts about 6 months on average and we're less and less likely to feel this "high" feeling as time goes on. It is extremely unusual to feel it after a year and at this point in a relationship, you're probably running more on oxytocin and attachment fears. Dopamine is still released but the amount is more manageable and you can generally focus on other things, in addition to your relationship. Seal might be talking about this brief period in a relationship but - as indicated by the lyric, "the more I get of you, the stranger it feels" - it could mean he's used to being let down by relationships and that's not happening in this situation. Things just keep getting better and he's still feeling that "high" whenever he is with this person. This is usually when people freak out and sabotage themselves, which is something people with a history of depression often do. Especially if they're taking drugs. 

You may recall that "Kiss from a Rose" was released as a single from the "Batman Forever" soundtrack. True story: "Batman Forever" was the first movie I ever stood in line to see on opening day. I was a big fan of Batman when I was a kid, because my favorite animal was a bat. The nocturnal exhibit at the zoo is still my favorite - it's cool, it's dark, and there's usually no one in there. Besides that, I have reason to believe that this movie played a huge role in the creation of my Love Map, which is the template we use for relationships and other things in life. Nicole Kidman as Dr. Chase Meridian, psychologist and badass, is basically my aesthetic. She combined the noir archetype and style of the Femme Fatale with being the hyper-intelligent, independent woman that was en vogue for action movie love interests during the mid-90s. As a character, she showed a woman could have a thriving psychology practice, kickbox in her free time, AND wear pencil skirts on the daily. As for Val Kilmer, I would say he's my favorite Batman out of the late 20th century options (the others being Michael Keaton and George Clooney) - he definitely fits my "type" physically, especially when he's wearing (totally unnecessary) glasses and he played the "dark and brooding" version of the Batman character convincingly. There's a lot of good things about this movie which keep it from being the worst Batman movie. It leaned into its inherent campiness and, as a purely cinematic experience, it's a fun movie to watch.

Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey

Ooh, the more I get of you, the stranger it feels, yeah

Now that your rose is in bloom

A light hits the gloom on the grey

COVID-19 Update: I've been taking a social media break for my anxiety. I deleted most social media apps except for YouTube and Pinterest, which I don't even count as social media. It has helped immensely, especially getting away from Twitter - the COVID updates combined with the usual political outrage wheel and Spiritual Twitter drama was becoming a huge energy vacuum for me. I meant to only do the break for one week but it's been two so far and I don't hate it. I might extend it another week or two, because I honestly don't miss it. Sure, I don't know what the exact COVID numbers are for the local area anymore but I get enough information to know that the numbers are still bad, the curve isn't "flattened," and isolation is probably going to continue for at least another month, if not more. Without all that scrolling, though, I have a surprising amount of free time on my hands. I've used it to catch up on my reading. I'm reading everything - pregnancy books, psychology books, witchcraft books, and a couple fiction books, too, for good measure. I've made a goal to finish at least four of the books I've been reading in August. I've also spent a lot of time writing - outside of this blog. I do have things planned for August, but they may not be as frequent, especially since I'm trying to navigate the new Blogger interface. Expect a COVID update on most posts - I'm documenting little tidbits of modern life during this time for posterity. As I mentioned, some weirdo in the future might be interested in how I - a teleworking mother with novel-writing aspirations - chose to spend her time in isolation. Not going to lie - I spend a lot of it watching "Schitt's Creek" on Netflix.

"Kiss from a Rose" Video

"Give Me Love" by Ed Sheeran

I don't like to write about an artist twice in the same month, especially when it's twice in a row. However, I'm making an exception because I find this song beautiful. Ed Sheeran could probably get any girl he wanted, in spite of his patchy, ginger beard and milquetoast British persona. You know why? Because he writes songs like this.

The music video for this song showed up in my YouTube recommendations (this is going to be a pattern for this month) recently. I was drawn to the video because the actress playing the main role was incredibly gorgeous. Which, after watching the video, make sense. She plays an Angel of Love, and most people think angels to be beautiful beings. Nevermind that most angelic lore says they have eyes all over their bodies, four different faces, and shine so brightly, humans may burst into flames if they saw one. But she's a beautiful angel and she goes around the city, shooting arrows and making people fall in love. However, she's a lone figure. Throughout the video, as she goes about her angelic business, she looks so sad and lonely. At the beginning of the video, we see the angel dead on the mattress in her loft apartment, killed by a single arrow to the heart. Later, we understand why - she shot herself with one of her love arrows so she could experience love for herself.

Give me love like her

'Cause lately I've been waking up alone

Paint splattered teardrops on my shirt

Told you I'd let them go

And that I'll fight my corner

Maybe tonight I'll call ya

After my blood turns into alcohol

No, I just wanna hold ya

There has been this turn in both the psychology and spirituality communities towards radical self-love. There's a theory that you can only love someone as deeply as you love yourself. It all has to do with reciprocity. In our heads, we have a set point on what we think we deserve in relationships, which has a lot to do with our childhood and our relationship with our parents. In fact, most of it has to do with the relationships we saw in childhood. If we had an unhealthy relationship dynamic as a reference point growing up, most of the time, we subconsciously seek out that same relationship dynamic in adulthood - even when we know that's not what we want. Dr. Nicole LePera talks a lot about this, using examples from both her psychological practice and her own life. It's a form of self-betrayal. We know what we want but we don't believe we deserve it because of that predetermined set point. Humans will rarely let another treat them better than they believe they deserve for very long. It's uncomfortable, because we're scared we won't be able to reciprocate - which will lead to abandonment and rejection. The problem is that, with each relationship that follows the unhealthy pattern, our negative beliefs about ourselves get reinforced. We're not worth the effort. We're hard to love or unlovable. Or we fall deeper into a pattern of people pleasing and then we become exhausted and resentful because it doesn't seem to ever work. For definition, self-betrayal is the process of ignoring/denying our own needs and desires in order to acquire the approval and validation of another. It usually develops early, especially when a child has a hyper-critical, neglectful, and/or abusive parent(s). Self-betrayal is a hallmark of a lack of self-love.

Self-betrayal shows up in a myriad of forms. It's pretending to not be hurt by the actions of another out of fear of being seen as too sensitive. It's allowing others to violate your boundaries constantly out of fear they'll abandon you. I could go on but this shit can be easily googled. The point is, like with all things, you can minimize self-betrayal simply by having an awareness that you're in this pattern. Then make a promise to yourself to choose differently, even though it's scary and uncomfortable. With each little promise kept, you begin to trust yourself more. You start to believe that you can protect yourself, when no one else could. And your self-esteem grows and you invest in yourself more. Finally, you understand what self-love feels like and it helps you realize that Love is not a finite resource. It's not a zero sum game. It's renewable and you're able to generate it for yourself. And being loved by another is an enjoyable bonus, not a requisite for survival. Surprisingly, this actually makes you appreciate it more. It takes strength to allow life to make you softer and more giving instead of cold and bitter. But you only understand that once you've been through Hell and back.

People who love themselves move differently. Sometimes, they come off strange to others - because the default in society has been self-hatred for so many years. We don't know what a healthy, well-adjusted person looks like because most of us have never seen one. However, there are some ways to tell when you're getting to that place. When you start to love yourself, you stop trying to impress people who are always looking for something to criticize and always blow your mistakes out of proportion, no matter how much good you do. You stop trying to get the attention of people who prefer to be distracted. You stop being someone you're not to fit into places you don't really want to be. You stop putting value in the opinions of people who don't value yours. You start speaking your mind, regardless of whether others want to hear what you have to say. You walk with purpose, you act with purpose, you speak with purpose. And you actively pursue being the person you want to be. The painful thing about this, though, is you might lose people who prefer to cling to the old version of you. But, it's easier to accept and forgive them for it, because you've been through that part of the journey, too.

I've lost the trail of what I was ranting about. I meditate before writing - sometimes the thoughts come through clearly and match up with any sentences I've written down earlier, sometimes they don't. I'm trying to be a bit more structured with my rants so that they follow in a linear, logical fashion (even though my brain doesn't really work like that....it prefers cascades and explosions of information that form tangled connections upon impact). I've also been digesting some heavy psychology concepts that aren't always easy to put into words without a lot of background information. But we're getting there. At this point in the challenge, I've done pretty well but as we approach the holidays, the posts might get a little more infrequent.

I did want to call out some musical notes for the song. During the bridge, Sheeran goes into some emotive singing. Fairly close to what the Beatles would do during the phase when they were doing Primal Scream Therapy (that's a whole 'nother rant for a different day). Ed Sheeran has one of the loveliest tenor voices in the industry today but the bridge is not pretty. The words come off desperate and it's uncomfortable to listen to - that's the point. When you feel starved of love, you feel desperate. Additionally, the album version of this song includes a second part. Honestly, it's a completely different song and feels like a hidden track because of the long break in between. It's sweet - it's got the sound of an Irish ballad, with lyrics to match. I highly recommend seeking out the full version of "Give Me Love."

"Give Me Love" Video

"Flavor of the Weak" by American Hi-Fi

My pre-teen self was all about this song. American Hi-Fi was one of the various CDs I flirted with buying before I realized Napster was a thing. It was the early 2000s - it was a crazy time for everyone! I'm just going to do a short post today, because I'm still trying too wrap up a project, but I hate going to long without posting on here.

As you may have noticed, the title is a play on words. Instead of "week," they use the word "weak" instead. I've had mixed feelings about this for -well - obviously at least two decades. It implies that the girl is weak because she's pouring all her love into a schmuck who doesn't appreciate it. As someone who loves too hard myself, I don't think of that as weak. In fact, I think people who refuse to let themselves love that hard are weak, because it means they don't have the courage to be vulnerable. They don't have the strength to have their heart broken multiple times and still be able to put it back together at the end of the day. You know how much inner strength it takes to not become completely cold and build a wall around you after you've been hurt? Most people don't have the mental, spiritual, or emotional fortitude for it. I've found that the kindest people I've ever met have had some of the hardest lives, went through some of the most shit circumstances I've ever heard of in my life - and, yet, they get up every day with the intention of being giving and kind, no matter what happens.

We could go with the alternate theory, which is implied at the end of the song with the final lyric of "she makes me weak." That she's exactly the kind of girl the singer is looking for but he sees himself as weak because of how she makes him feel. And he has kind of a point - it sounds like he's constantly pointing out the ways her boyfriend misses the mark but has never told her how he feels. He friend-zoned himself, basically, by trying to be the shoulder to cry on. Lame. That being said....he's not wrong. Her boyfriend does treat her like she's disposable and not good enough. So you have to wonder....why doesn't she already see it?

It's Friday night and she's all alone

He's a million miles away

She's dressed to kill, but the TV's on

He's connected to the sound

And he's got pictures on the wall

Of all the girls he's loved before

And she knows all his favorite songs

Validation, my dear friends. In a lot of relationships (and especially bad ones), people stay because they are receiving desperately needed validation (however small the amount) that they are worthy. Here's how the story in our heads goes - if I can get this impossible to please person who is constantly pointing out my faults to love me, I'm worthy of love. If I can just look the way they want, act the way they want, talk the way they want - they have to love me, right? How could they not? And, thus, a vicious cycle begins. Meanwhile, the other person is secretly craving validation, too, because they also feel unlovable. However, because it was easy to get validation from the other person, there must be something wrong with them because who could ever truly love a beast like me? And so s/he goes out looking for validation from a different source. Often, neither of these people truly understands what they want from a relationship and/or has unrealistic expectations of what love should look like, which is ultimately a recipe for disappointment and dissatisfaction. What usually ends up happening is we assume "this is how relationships are supposed to be" and people select partners who are unable to meet their needs/desires. They call it "compromise" but, in reality, it's self-betrayal. Your needs are your needs and, eventually, people become resentful when those needs aren't met. How long it takes to get to that point is largely based on a person's self-esteem - if you don't think you are worthy to be loved in the way you want, you'll put up with a lot more bullshit than someone with a healthy sense of self-worth. Also, we're usually replaying a story that we saw in our home life growing up. Think of all those tropes in sitcoms. The obedient but unhappy wife. The hen-pecked husband. The bitter divorcee. Or the hot, smart wife with the dumb, schlubby husband (and vice versa....I've never seen vice versa on TV, but I'm sure it could be done). Honestly, probably the healthiest dynamic I've seen in a sitcom (aside from "The Addams Family," which was purposely trying to up-end TV tropes) was the show, "Reba." And even that level of emotional/psychological sanity given the circumstances is pretty unrealistic.

How does this play out in the official video? Aside from placing the back story in the 1980s, the video storyline plays it pretty straight. It starts out with a journalist asking some metalheads, "What is your philosophy on life?", at which point, the loudest guy in the frame goes into a rant about how metal is better than punk (not even), avoiding the question entirely. The video is filmed to be a parody of the documentary, "Heavy Metal Parking Lot," which is an actual thing that exists and that anyone reading this can watch if they feel called to do something like that. I'm almost certain it's absolutely ridiculous and might be worth watching for the lulz. Moving on - we see the couple in question is waiting around for a concert to start. The girl tries to get affectionate but the guy seems utterly disinterested. He walks off with his friends, leaving her to fend for herself. While he walks around the parking lot, we see him run into various girls, giving them attention, while his actual girlfriend is walking around looking for him. Finally, he runs into a redhead trying to pull a Tawny Kitaen on his car. Of course, he goes after her and they start making out. At which point, the girlfriend sees them and realizes he's a scumbag. She's not the type to cause a scene so she runs off to be mopey somewhere. Of course, she is super pretty herself so other guys are instantly trying to get in her pants at the end of the video. Just from my own personal experience, this happens a lot. Typical.

Her boyfriend, he don't know

Anything about her

He's too stoned, he's too stoned

He's too stoned, he's too stoned

If this video continued on - for perhaps the length of a documentary? - eventually, the girl dancing on the car would become the sad girlfriend, too. Or maybe she has enough self-esteem to not put up with it and would leave first. It's not that she's prettier or sexier or better than his current (now, hopefully, former) girlfriend - he just has a vacuum where his heart should be. And he really should probably take care of that before getting in another relationship with anyone. Otherwise, the cycle continues. Gotta love those toxic spirals.

"Flavor of the Weak" Video

"Coin-Operated Boy" by The Dresden Dolls

Today, we're taking a veer more towards the steampunk-y side with The Dresden Dolls. This was another of those songs I liked to listen to on repeat when I was in college. Dark Cabaret was one of those genres that made me ecstatic to learn it existed. Besides that, I'm a big fan of Amanda Palmer - she always seems so un-apologetically herself. She doesn't compromise who she is or pretend to be someone she's not just to please others and I really respect that. Her performances can be whimsical one moment, passionate and raw the next. Her tweets also give me a little comfort from time to time. I think her and Neil Gaiman's marriage is fascinating, because they're both on the road for large swathes of time, apart from each other. No, they're not always happy with that situation but they're both pursuing their dreams and support each other, regardless of how far away those dreams take them. Besides, the distance is temporary. It's all temporary.

Obviously, she wrote this song long before she met Neil Gaiman (though, I'm sure she knew who he was at the time, since he was a well-established author by then). In "Coin-Operated Boy," she longs for a love affair without the complications. Without the vulnerability, without having to expose her heart to destruction. Someone she can pull out when she's feeling lonely and wants the good things, no disappointing stuff (like catching feelings and wondering why they're not answering your phone calls). Ultimately, it's a song about loneliness, because she knows that a "coin-operated boy" would just be playing pretend. It wouldn't cure what ails her - the gut-wrenching feeling that she ruins all her relationships because she is fundamentally unlovable, and that's why the ones she loves always leave her. The sweet sing-song voice quickly turns to quiet rage during the bridge, almost sounding petulant. Like she knows it's a bratty, childish thing to want so much without having to sacrifice anything in return. But it would make things so much easier and less painful. The last verse is what gets me, though. She sounds so resigned to loneliness, it's heartbreaking just to hear.

Coin operated boy, he may not be real experienced with girls

But I know, he feels like a boy should feel, isn't that the point

That is why I want a coin operated boy

With a pretty coin operated voice saying

That he loves me, that he's thinking of me

Straight and to the point, that is why

I want a coin operated boy

This is just going to be a purely "song of the day" post. I haven't been really feeling like myself lately and writing sometimes takes a lot out of me. On the bright side, I've been writing some disturbingly dark poetry. Might fuck around and submit to a few contests. IDK. I'll probably write a few paragraphs on Steampunk later this week, when I'm feeling more focused, preferably after my next certification test. Finally, since I enjoy promoting the work of my favorite artists, I recommend reading Amanda Palmer's "The Art of Asking." I haven't read it yet but it's on my list. It's up there, along with "The Artist's Way," as a book I'm always being told to read by my creative friends. I've heard good things and, thinking about it now, I really should move it up higher on my list.....

"Coin-Operated Boy" Video

"Torn" by Edna Swap

Fun fact: The Natalia Imbruglia version of "Torn," (i.e., the most famous version) is a cover. I bet you haven't even heard the original, which is why I decided to feature it today. I tracked it down just to do a little musical education for myself, because I was going to use the Natalie version until I did my research. Turns out I really like the first pressing. Don't get me wrong - I love the Natalia Imbruglia version. I heard it on the radio a couple weeks ago, when I was riding around with my parents, and I think that was the first time I had really actually listened and understood the words. But Edna Swap's original, while a bit rougher around the edges, hits a little harder for me. Brings the meaning home, in a sense.

I have a tendency to idealize things. Especially people. Guess I was always looking for a savior - and I found several. Not just people, but situations, hopes, dreams. All with tons of potential. But they never measured up. Things eventually became imperfect, somehow, and that's what always broke my heart. That's what the song is about. Falling in love with the potential and then being disappointed with the reality. Afterwards, you just feel drained and empty. And oh so vulnerable. That's the worst part. Like you wasted your time, your love, your effort. Where do you go after that? Well, inwards obviously. To figure out what you needed saving from, for starters. An already disappointing life? What was so disappointing about it? A lot of people run towards fantasies to avoid the actual problems in their life. It's normal. American culture even encourages it a bit. But it's not healthy. And it won't make you happy.

This takes us back to The Lover archetype and its shadows. Both shadows (The Addicted Lover and The Impotent Lover) have a problem with idealizing others, which ultimately is a way to allocate personal responsibility from themselves and push it onto others. It manifests in the Addicted Lover as moving from person to person, passion to passion, searching for something that they can't seem to find. He'll stay engrossed until something breaks the illusion, then he'll drop it for something else, hoping it fills the void. On the flip side, the Impotent Lover may have found that ideal, that something he was looking for, and yet, feels powerless to pursue it. With perfection just out of his reach, disappointment shades everything else, making life seem dull. For a person who has not maximized The Lover's potential, they may shift between these two different poles. We sort of see what that looks like in the lyrics of "Torn." The man she met seemed perfect and wonderful. Then something happened and when she saw the reality of the situation - that who she wanted him to be is not who he was - she felt like a fool to allow herself to become so vulnerable. And she's surrendered to the inevitable. The fantasy has dissolved and she has to let it go because you can't go back to how things were before.

So I guess the fortune teller's right

I should have seen just what was there

And not some holy light

But you crawled beneath my veins and now

I don't care, I have no luck

I don't miss it all that much

There's just so many things

That I can't touch, I'm torn

So how do we deal with this aspect of the shadow? Well, as we've learned already, The Lover energy is all about staying present. Enjoying the sensations you're feeling but staying grounded in reality. To do that, you have to slow down and talk to yourself, especially when you feel like you're being carried away by a strong emotion. In the moment, ask yourself these questions:

• When you find yourself thinking everything is perfect: Am I idealizing this person or situation? If so, what am I idealizing and why? Assess before taking any next steps. 
• When you find yourself disappointed: What were my expectations? Were my expectations abnormally high? If not, did you communicate what your expectations were?
• When you're idealizing a person: Can you find anything you don't like? Are they flaws you can live with? In the first few months of a relationship, people tend to ignore red flags that would've indicated that it wasn't going to work out. Anger and trust issues. Different core values. Incompatible life goals. The things you find yourself shrugging off and tolerating in the beginning are usually the reasons why the relationship ends. 
• When you're idealizing a situation: What is actually happening here? How does the situation look from an outside perspective? Find a friend who is willing to be honest and take note of how you react to what they say. If you find yourself getting defensive, that's a big indicator that you're trying to protect your fantasy and you need to step back.

The above advice may seem kind of cynical, especially when it comes to relationships. But, as someone who has jumped into many situations without taking my own advice (or the advice of others), slowing down does make a difference. I had a friend tell me once that I was always running when she saw me. I've always felt this urgency. Everything has to happen now, or else it won't happen. The fear of missing out. Word to the wise - missing out on something not the worst thing that could happen. Because what happens when that thing or person you're running towards turns out not to be worth it? Well, it turns into just another lesson on your journey and, hopefully, you're better for the experience.

“Why, if it was an illusion, not praise the catastrophe, whatever it was, that destroyed illusion and put truth in it's place?” - Virginia Woolf

"Torn" Video

"Lost Without Each Other" by Hanson

Beats Per Minute: 175
Perfect for: A fast, steady run, especially if you're feeling nostalgic or looking for something upbeat

Lost a little momentum for this month because I opted to leave my personal laptop at home on my work trip. That and I've been feeling sick all week (the long plane rides that bookended my work week didn't help), so it's highly doubtful I would've had the energy to do much writing, even if I had. Not to say I didn't do any writing - in fact, I've been in planning mode and I'm still going to try to work in some good stuff before April ends. Moving on, I hate to humble brag but I've been to a number of great concerts. I have seen legends perform. Legends, I tell ya....LEGENDS! That being said, my favorite memories are the three times I've seen Hanson perform. You read that right - I have seen Hanson not just once, but three times. Think what you will but I'm still a fan after nearly two decades. And it should be noted that they are still making music, performing live, and drawing crowds after two decades, which is more than can be said about most 90s bands. There's several reasons for that - they're extremely talented musicians, they're dedicated to their craft, and their music has evolved with the times. If you know anything about what gives an artist staying power in the industry, those three things are key - natural (but still constantly developing) talent, dedication and love for the art (and the work that is required), and the ability to change with times but stay true to their core style.

I've been feeling a bit nostalgic so I'm going to take this opportunity to share my adventures from those three Hanson shows. The first one was on 22 October 2000 - I remember the date exactly because it was Zac's birthday and the audience was prompted to sing "Happy Birthday" to him. I remember lamenting at the time that it was too bad he was a Libra and not a Scorpio (even with my rudimentary pre-teen astrological knowledge, I knew Cancers-Scorpios were very compatible romantically but Cancers-Libras were not - yes, the Husband is, in fact, a Scorpio). With a two year age gap (he was born in 1985 - so really only like a year and a half), I was also convinced he was way too old for me (geez, I was so young and stupid). This, however, did not stop me from having a huge celebrity crush on him, because he is kind of a funny, goofy guy and I love that in people. And he's the drummer - I like drummers, to the point where I'm still toying with the idea of getting my own drum kit and learning how to play. Going to this concert was lucky for me - I had only barely started being friends with the girl who had the tickets and when someone else turned down the offer, she asked if I wanted to join. Of course, concerts are great bonding experiences and I was good friends with the whole group that went after that. It was also the first time I remember going to a concert without much parental supervision. My friend's parents went, of course, but they had tickets in the stands, not on the floor like we did (on the floor! that was also very exciting). This was during the "This Time Around" tour and probably an extremely formative event in my musical history.

Fast forward to the following summer, my two best friends (which included the girl who invited me to the aforementioned concert) planned a Hanson-themed adventure to Tulsa, OK, to attend the first annual Riverfest, headlined by - as you may have guessed - Hanson. There were other bands there - really good ones, too, and I honestly wish I could remember their names. Anyway, because it was an outdoor fest with general seating, we got to the venue before the sun came up so that, when the gates opened, we could run to the main stage and get good spots. And we did! We ended up being in the front row and I was able to get quite a few good pictures of them playing. Afterwards, we slept for basically a whole day of our trip because outdoor music festivals are exhausting (that may seem obvious, but at 13-14 years old, we didn't know that). Then, we went around doing things that we thought the band would do - like eating at Taco Bueno, playing laser tag, and hunting down houses with three car garages. We're pretty sure we found their actual home but - for obvious reasons - we did not actually confirm that. But teen stalker antics aside, it was a fun trip.

The third show happened a decade later, after I had graduated university and moved back to Arizona. I was working in a call center while looking for better career opportunities (it was during the worst of the Great Recession, so it was hard goings). Hanson was playing in a dive bar as part of a radio station promo in between albums. It was being marketed as 90s nostalgia and, yes, most of the people who showed up were women around my age. I dragged my sister and her boyfriend with me, mostly because I didn't want to drive to Tucson alone at night, and bought them each a beer as a thank you. The bar smelled like tacos - we learned later that there was a taco bar on the second floor that was included in the cover charge. That taco bar haunts me because, well, I totally would've partaken in some shady bar tacos if I had known. The show was amazing, as it always is. They played acoustic and, even though I wasn't in the front row, the place was so small that I was even closer to the stage than I had been at Riverfest. My sister's boyfriend, who is over 6 feet tall, kindly took a few blurry pictures and videos for me - I'd share them but they're not as good as I remember and way too dark to even make out that it's Hanson. As silly as I felt at the time, I'm really glad I went. My inner child was/is very glad I went, because I know not going because I felt like it was childish would've been something I regretted. Take that as a lesson - go ahead, buy those tickets to the Backstreet Boys reunion tour. It may never happen again!

I can tell you one thing 

We're not better on our own 

I'm tired of running from my feelings 

Are you listening?

Okay, enough about my foolishness, let's talk about the song. The lyrics are pretty straightforward - the singer (i.e., Taylor Hanson) has been acting like a jackass and his girlfriend has walked out. Not only that, but it sounds like it she's not coming back this time - 12 nights is a long time to not have any contact with someone you intend to get back with. I'm always interested to hear the other side of the story with these songs. For example, this lyric: Well, I can tell you there's no room to play this game. What if she's not playing a game? What if she's just tired of your bullshit, Taylor Hanson - did you ever consider that? Maybe walking away isn't just some manipulative ploy to get you act different, but a way to save herself from an unhappy situation. Newsflash: Not all women are manipulative psycho bitches who do things like that. From the lyrics, we can gather that he was starting fights and breaking promises. And she totally doesn't have to deal with that nonsense. If she's going to take you back, Tay, there needs to be some serious change. And not superficial changes, where you go back to your old habits when you think she's forgotten about everything, but a clear choice to do better going forward.

I was thinking about the lyrics in the bridge, especially the part where he's "tired of running from [his] feelings," which sounds to me like he was trying to create distance because the amount of love he felt for her scared him. This is a classic symptom for people who fear abandonment - they push away people who they really care about because that means they have something to lose. Something they realize would be really painful to lose, so they'd rather do the damage themselves and end it to save themselves from the agony. They also have trouble trusting that someone could genuinely love them without expecting something in return. It's complicated. However, it reminds me of a girl I know who has encountered this situation multiple times. I will preface this with one thing you should know about the girl - she is the kindest, most loving person I know. However, she broke it off with her boyfriend of 10 years, which came as a surprise to everyone because we all thought they'd be together forever. When I talked to her about it, she told me that she didn't want to be with someone who didn't know how they felt about her, that was too afraid to love her. You may wonder why it took her 10 years to come to this conclusion but, sometimes, it takes people a while to learn their lessons. Especially when they're really hoping things will work out in the end. In her next relationship, she didn't wait near this long - she was starting to see signs of the same situation, acknowledged that it wasn't what she wanted, and walked away. She still holds space for them, of course - she did/does love them. But she also loves herself and part of loving yourself is choosing people who aren't afraid of loving you - who don't want to keep a distance between you, who don't push you away, who can be honest about their own feelings. It doesn't mean you can't love those people, it just means that you shouldn't put your life on hold for someone who may never be able to meet you on that level.

Those are just some of the deep thoughts that were keeping me occupied during my 8 hour layover yesterday. I was also pondering the difference between treating people as temporary versus treating people as if you wanted them to be permanent. I'm still kind of mulling it over, because my train of thought was very philosophical and I thought I was getting to something genuine at the heart of human interactions. I'm still working it out and hopefully, I'll have a place to share my thoughts next month. Yes, I already have a theme picked out for next month and I'm SUPER EXCITED about it! But we got to finish out this month first, so stay tuned :) and thanks for reading.

"Lost Without Each Other" Video

"On Hold" by The Xx

I don't know why, but I'm feeling this song tonight. I had originally picked out another song but I changed my mind. This song is kind of sad because it's about missed opportunities, especially for young love. It speaks to harsh lessons that some people have to learn sooner than others. About accepting the reality of a situation and choosing not to feed it anymore.

In the song - and in the video for the song - you have a girl who is in love with a boy. But she perceives that he's not as interested - either he's flaky or he's chasing after other people or not giving her the attention she wants - whatever it is, he's not showing up and meeting her in the middle, but he still thinks she'll be around whenever he wants her. So, without resentment or anger, she's walking away completely because she deserves better. Now, he regrets it and realizes his mistake. But it's too late, she's not coming back. Not without a major change anyway. And maybe not ever, in spite of whatever Grand Romantic Gesture he's considering. That's a hard lesson to learn. To not take someone for granted, not to treat them like they'll always be there, because that's never the case. Ever. Likewise, it's a hard lesson to learn not to let people take advantage of you - claiming your attention, your thoughts, your energy - when they're not earning it. But I think a lot of people - both men and women - accept it because they're afraid to be alone. Maybe being alone is not so bad, though, especially when someone's treating you like an option instead of the option. In that case, walking away might be the only move you can make. Make it a clean break. And accept that it's the end, because if the other person didn't want it to be the end, they would've tried harder to keep you around.

My young heart

Chanced to believe

We were destined

Young hearts

All need love

Call it a lesson

The stars and the charts and the cards make sense

Only when we want them to

When I lie awake staring in to space

I see a different view

This song came out a few years ago and it's the above verse that caught my attention (of course it would...I'm so predictable when it comes to esoteric references). This is silly but, once upon a time, 19-year-old me thought that The Moviestar (formerly The Muse) and I were meant to be. To be fair, he seemed interested at the time. But that was all in my head and it took me a long time - longer than I'd care to admit - that it was never going to happen. Thinking about it now, I thought he'd be a (fairly large) chapter in my memoir but now I realize he was just a footnote. I'm not even sure I really liked him as a person, just the idea of who he was in my head. Now, when you actually like the person, that makes walking away a lot harder. But if they're not matching your energy, then it's probably for the best, because you deserve someone who is enthusiastic to meet you halfway. It becomes easy for them, because they want to do it. Think of Morticia and Gomez - although she may be more reserved and cool, she still has the same intense passion for Gomez that he has for her. They never fight but that doesn't mean they don't have disagreements - they resolve differences calmly and with understanding of the other's perspective. Although we never see it onscreen, it's always hinted that they have an active sex life. They always make an effort to be their best selves for each other. And finally, they're a team....in everything!

Anyway, to sum up for the young'uns - don't settle just because you're lonely. Don't let people use you. If you want more than someone is willing to give you, walk away because - if you want to - you'll find someone who will give you what you're looking for. And if you happen to be in the reverse situation, don't for one moment think you're entitled to someone's affection or attention. If you're interested, be interested. And don't be surprised if they don't stick around when you're acting lukewarm. And there's your daily dose of Love Advice with Dr. Jess (pretty sure I'm ready for my own radioshow....like Dr. Laura but not really like Dr. Laura cuz I kinda fucking hate her).

Let's talk about the video for a moment, because this is one of those very rare video where I actually like that it's an extremely literal translation of the lyrics. It follows two high schoolers who hooked up at a party, she thought it was going somewhere but then he ghosted her or something and now, she's done. In fact, the girl after the whole debacle seems a lot colder, a lot less loving. And that's the risk - when this sort of thing happens to people, it makes them a lot less trusting, a lot more afraid to be vulnerable, which is essential when you want to find love. They've lost their ability to love...and some people never get that back. Trust me. I have a psychology degree.

"On Hold" Lyrics

"Youngblood" by 5 Seconds of Summer

I'm going to keep it short for today. My trip for the holidays simultaneously wore me out and fucked up my whole plan for this month. I did have a lot more songs for this month planned out but between getting ready to travel, actually travelling, and trying to spend time with my family, I didn't get in as much writing and ranting as I would've hoped. Which is maybe a good thing. I do feel a bit rejuvenated, which means I will not be putting up with anybody's shit in 2019 - well, at least not for the first few weeks. As a result, you may have noticed I focused more on new releases for 2018 instead of just ranting about a bunch of my favorite songs (although there were a few of those thrown in). Overall, I think that was a good compromise and you'll get to hear/learn about those other songs sometime in the future.

"Youngblood" was my favorite Song of the Summer that came out in 2018. It kind of just hit like a meteor in the US, because it became 5SOS first Number 1 single on the Top 40 and it stayed at the top for over a month, which is impressive for any song, especially considering the amount of really great music that has been released lately.

Lately our conversations end like it's the last goodbye

Yeah, one of us gets too drunk and calls about a hundred times

So who you been calling, baby, nobody could take my place

When you're looking at those strangers, hope to God you see my face

5SOS has said that "Youngblood" is about the push/pull of a relationship or maybe of a relationship that the singer never quite got right. Because it's pretty clear it's over, if she's seeing other people. Or it's an on-again/off-again relationship, where they just can't let go of each other but they can't make it work either. They just keep going in this circle when really they either need to move on or actually make a commitment to be together instead of playing games. The whole song reeks of being exhausted with the whole cycle. Whether he's going after her or pushing her away, he feels like a dead man. But he needs it "all of the time." I've needed things all of the time - eventually, you just learn to live without it because you have no other choice. Especially if whatever "it" is - and in "Youngblood's" case, it's a person's love - isn't willing to be given, you can't force it. In my honest opinion, he should delete this girl out of his phone, out of his life. If he can't do that, well -- he's fucked. I don't know what to tell you. I guess he could be honest and tell her how he feels and if she's a grown up, she'll be honest too and they'll figure it out together. Or, if she is in fact a "youngblood" who can't deal with icky emotions and the realization that she's actually causing this guy a lot of pain because she's doing whatever she wants and stomping all over his heart in the process, she'll cut him out completely. Which will hurt - immensely for at least the first few weeks - but it's in both their best interests. And that was your weekly dose of Love Advice with Dr. Jess. Next week, we'll explore how to bring up polyamory in your currently monogamous relationships without a horrendous fight.

"Youngblood" Alternative Video

"thank u, next" by Ariana Grande

A few posts ago, I mentioned that I like to psycho-analyze pop stars based on what they share through their music. Ariana Grande is one of those people. As far as coping methods go, Grande is one of those that I would put in the "healthy" category. Especially in recent songs, it's clear that the way that she deals with failed relationships is much more constructive than, say, Taylor Swift. Instead of growing bitter and full of resentment, Grande acknowledges the lessons she learned - both from the good times and the bad - and uses them to move on and become a better person. That's the whole message of "thank u, next" - she's thanking her ex-boyfriends for what they taught her (love, patience, dealing with pain) and it's time for her to move on. I think this is the mark of a strong woman. She's not letting her failures make her more insecure, more mean, or more reserved. Even though she's failed in love, she still believes in it and she's open to being even more loving than before.

I love the music video (and it's gotten a lot of critical praise, too - just throwing that out there). In the video, she re-enacts scenes from a few great teen romantic comedies - a couple of my favorites in fact. "Legally Blonde"...."Mean Girls"...."Bring It On"...."13 Going on 30." My favorite of these is "13 Going on 30," because I think it's most in line with the message of the song. I see all these pithy internet quotes about not having any regrets. But, lately, I've come to the realization that not having regrets is a sign of someone who doesn't think critically about their life. Yes, realize that the mistakes you've made have turned you into the person you are. But if you could do your life over, knowing what you know now, and you wouldn't change anything? Well, then you haven't learned a god damn thing and you're wasting the Universe's time. That's basically the lesson of "13 Going on 30." Jenna Rink sees the person she becomes when she's 30 and she doesn't like the person she is, even though the grown-up Jenna has exactly the life she dreamed of. She also realizes that she pushed away the love of her life (her childhood best friend, Matt) because she was holding onto a ridiculous idea of what a dream life would be like. When she's given the chance to go back, the first thing she does is give Matt a big kiss and tells him they have so much to do together.

But this is all part of that shadow work I keep talking about. I've been spending a lot of time considering the mistakes I've made and the things I wish I would've done. If I had a chance to do it over, I know my life would be drastically different than what it is now. There's people I wouldn't have pushed away and more importantly, people who I wouldn't have wasted my time on. There are things I would've done that I avoided doing because I was too afraid or insecure or anxious. I would've been brave enough to be who I am sooner, and thus, learned to love myself sooner. But, to quote Valentine Michael Smith, "I am only an egg" and I still have much to learn on this journey.

Spend more time with my friends

I ain't worried 'bout nothin'

Plus, I met someone else

We havin' better discussions

I know they say I move on too fast

But this one gon' last

'Cause her name is Ari

And I'm so good with that (so good with that)

She taught me love (love)

She taught me patience (patience)

How she handles pain (pain)

That shit's amazing (yeah, she's amazing)

I've loved and I've lost (yeah, yeah)

But that's not what I see (yeah, yeah)

'Cause look what I've found (yeah, yeah)

Ain't no need for searching, and for that, I say

Thank You, Next

I like this verse because, after breaking off her engagement with Pete Davidson, Ariana decided to stay single for awhile instead of jumping into another relationship. I think this is probably the smartest thing to do after a major relationship, especially one that accelerated so fast and was so intense. Of course, I have no experience with this - I haven't been really single (except for a few breaks that lasted a couple weeks, at most) since I was 18. I think, if I had, I would've learned the things I figured out in the past few months a long time ago. My sister, M, seems to be going through something similar after her last relationship and - to be honest - it seems like she's the happiest she's been in a long time. When you're alone, you have to spend a lot of time with yourself - and if that's not someone you like, you have the time and space to make the changes that you need in order to become who you want to be. Your self-worth becomes tied up in what you think of yourself and not what others think of you. This is a good thing. Otherwise, you end up in a co-dependent relationship, where you're dependent upon your partner's approval in order to have self-esteem. As you can guess, this kind of relationship is pretty unhealthy and, oftentimes, can even be abusive in some way (physical, emotional, psychological) and feel one-sided. Being single gives you some time to really think about the qualities you want in a person and, more importantly, what a satisfying relationship looks like. Knowing this information - in addition to being in control of your own self-esteem - allows you to avoid unhealthy relationships and to recognize and walk away if you do find yourself in one.

That concludes this session of Celebrity Psychoanalysis with Dr. Jess. Hopefully, that long rant was helpful to you or - at the very least - was informative and entertaining. The video for "thank u, next" is below.

"thank u, next" Video

"Straight Jacket" by Theory of a Deadman

I feel like I've been choosing too many contemporary pop songs lately, so we're going a little rock today. My son is a big fan of Theory of a Deadman (I know....my two-year-old is way cooler than any of us will be in this lifetime) and "Straight Jacket" is one of his favorite songs to "sing" along to. The "sing" is in quotes because he's not fully talking yet but he definitely knows the "bad, bad, bad" part, which are the ending lyrics of this tune. My son also appears to have perfect pitch and an abnormally advanced sense of rhythm for a kid his age (he can dance like nobody's business...better than most people I've met, in fact). I'm not saying he's a musical prodigy - because that's a lot to live up to, even if it's true - but we are gently encouraging him to explore these interests by doing extra music/dance time at home and letting him play with different instruments. I even want to get him a drum kit - although I think that's more because I wish I had learned to play the drums. I feel like it's worth the headaches for him to have musical experience, because musicians have more connections in their corpus callosum, which makes them better problem solvers and more emotionally intelligent.

"Straight Jacket" is about the singer being in a relationship with a fucking crazy bitch (Anyone can see we're a perfect match, An innocent boy and a psychopath). This woman sounds like just the worst. She moves the relationship too fast (A week's worth of dating and you talk about moving in) and then proceeds to make his life miserable by breaking down his self-esteem. She breaks it down so much that he doesn't even feel like he's strong enough to leave (Go from weak in the knees to be too weak I can't leave). It's clear from the transitions (I just wanna sleep my life away) that he's depressed. Like very depressed. Like "he can't see the end of this, thinking about suicide, full on fight-or-flight panic mode" depressed. Seriously - I feel bad for this guy. But that's how abusive relationships are - they break you down until you don't feel like it's worth fighting for yourself.

Because that's what this song is about - an abusive relationship. People may not see it as an abusive relationship, because it's the female that's the abuser (and we're still stuck in ridiculous, gendered paradigms like this), but it is. If your significant other doesn't let you hang out with your friends, accuses of you of cheating constantly (without proof), starts fights for no reason, and generally makes you feel like shit when you're around them - Surprise! - you may be in an abusive relationship.

On the flip side of things, society - for some unknown reason - makes it seem okay for girls to treat their boyfriends like this. "Crazy girls are hot!" or "Crazy girls are the best in bed!" You've heard this nonsense before. Newsflash: Not true. Not true at all. True story - I used to act like this early in my relationship with The Husband. In my defense, my mom was not the best role model for relationships - my parents fought all the time when I was young and I got it in my head that if you weren't yelling at each other all the time, you just didn't care anymore. This is also not true. You don't have to yell and scream to solve conflicts in your relationship. And you don't have to be controlling either - in fact, trust is the foundation of a relationship and if you can't trust someone, you probably shouldn't be in a relationship with them. Now, I've gotten much better - we hardly ever argue anymore and if we do argue, it doesn't become a screaming match. But, to be honest, The Husband (The Boyfriend at the time) should've left me back then - because I was a crazy fucking bitch.

I'm freaking out, I'm panic attacking

Yeah, I mentally had it, now my living room's padded

I'm a sadist, I'm addicted to this heroin

You're Tonya Harding and I'm your Nancy Kerrigan

Like Lloyd Braun, I just wanted serenity

But you had to go testing me, gave me suicide tendencies

Your little games, your little, little games

You tricked me into staying, your playing is getting lame

From touching your sweet things to tracking your calls

Go from smacking your ass to punching holes in the walls

Go from sending me fire news to eyeing up other dudes

From picking a favorite song to playlisting breaking tunes

Started so high, now I can hardly breathe

Go from weak in the knees to be too weak I can't leave

You called it, it's all my fault, this I know

Guess I'm better off dead inside than being alone

Down from my soap box now. The video is pretty hilarious - I won't go through all the little things that make it funny - because it's better if you find them yourself - but I'll give you the plot in a nutshell. The band is in an insane asylum and they start a revolt. By the end, the head nurse and all the orderlies are all tied up and all the patients are escaping. It makes you think that there's a happy ending to the song - but, in reality, it's not clear whether or not the singer escapes his hellish relationship. In fact, judging by the lyrics in the last verse, it's almost certain that he probably won't. But hey, at least the video is funny.

"Straight Jacket" Video