"Photograph" by Ed Sheeran

I've been struggling for the past couple of weeks, since the baby was born. Apparently, postpartum depression (PPD) can start while you're still pregnant, which puts everything I was feeling since last February in perspective. Things I thought I was managing well became absolutely unbearable in those first few days in the hospital (and further exacerbated by the strict COVID precautions). Then we had some trouble with my newborn losing weight and I was genuinely scared they weren't going to release us. Since then, I've just been feeling so guilty and disconnected, it's been hard to take care of myself. My doctor prescribed some medication - I'm debating whether or not I should take them. I know medication can work, but it's only one piece of the puzzle. Part of me says I should just white-knuckle through and try to manage with just therapy, because I've been through tough times before and I've never needed medication. And I know how sideways things can go when someone is prescribed the wrong psychotropic drug. I'm not sure that's a risk I want to take. I'm not convinced OB/GYNs know enough about perinatal psychiatry to go around writing prescriptions. Some days, I have good moments. Moments, mind you. Not full days yet. I just want to feel happy again. I should feel happier.

Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes

But it's the only thing that I know

When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes

It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

We keep this love in a photograph

We made these memories for ourselves

Where our eyes are never closing

Hearts are never broken

And time's forever frozen still

True to form, I've been trying to cheer myself up by watching and reading romantic stories. I'm rereading "Pride & Prejudice" for the 5th time in my life and even deigned to watch the Kiera Knightly film adaptation (which, aside from the historical costuming inaccuracies, really isn't that bad - I've watched it twice in the past few months). I've also been consumed by the book "Me Before You" and its subsequent film adaptation, for which "Photograph" was used in the trailer. From the beginning, it's a doomed romance. A woman is hired to be a companion for a quadriplegic who wants to die. His family is trying to change his mind, of course, and that's part of the reason they bring on Louisa. To convince him there are still things worth living for, even if it's not the life he wanted. Louisa falls in love with him, despite knowing he has a date with an assisted suicide clinic. There's a bit of this childish hope in Louisa, clinging to a belief that "Love conquers all." When Will ultimately chooses to go through with his plan, it's not because he doesn't love Louisa. He does. But he wants her to have a life he can't give her (which she honestly doesn't care about - she's willing to make it work). He still wants a life he'll never have again. Even though she doesn't agree with it, Lou chooses to be with him in his last moments. And I think that's what characterizes a doomed romance the most. There's a moment where the characters have a choice between the destined path and the interpreted path. They both have to choose the destined path to get a chance at the fairytale happy ending. To quote Leo in "Titanic," "if you jump, I jump." In a doomed romance, they choose opposite paths - i.e., one or both choose the interpreted path - which takes them apart. Not to be mistaken with the Tragic Romance, in which they both choose the Destined Path but are torn apart by external forces (i.e., Romeo & Juliet, Titanic, Tristan & Isolde). Will Trainor didn't have to die, he chose to die, even when presented with a happy alternative life with Louisa.

The reason Will Trainor gives for going through with his original decision is something most of us don't want to hear - Love isn't enough. Sometimes it's not enough to keep going, it's not enough to stay, it's not enough to change someone's mind, it's not enough to make people change. It's not enough to stop Death or cure illness (physical or mental) or fix past mistakes. And this hurts because, deep in our hearts, we believe something as powerful as Love should be able to do all that. The question a Doomed Romance presents us is - if you knew from the start things would end this way, would you still have fallen in love? I've been watching a YouTube series by Screened which examines the question "what is the point of a doomed romance?" through the analysis of several excellent films. The main "point" of these romances, according to Screened, is for the inner growth of the main character. The relationship and its subsequent failure(s) serves to awaken something in the protagonist. In "500 Days of Summer," Tom was idealizing his relationship with Summer to avoid the very real lack of purpose in his life. In "Lost in Translation," both characters are lacking deep connections in their lives. In "Me Before You," Louisa was playing it safe - in love and life - out of fear of being hurt again. The point is these characters get a renewed outlook on life - they come out of the doomed romance wiser, braver, and stronger than they were before. The romance becomes a vehicle for personal growth in these stories.

When I'm away, I will remember how you kissed me

Under the lamppost back on Sixth street

Hearing you whisper through the phone,

"Wait for me to come home"

None of this has anything to do with the song, of course. Ed Sheeran has two types of songs - catchy pop love songs and songs that sound like they were specifically written for people to choose as their wedding song. Even when he collaborates, he follows this basic pattern. "Photograph" fits in the latter category, as you may have guessed. I like to play it when I'm feeding the baby, when I'm not singing to him. This song, right now, makes me cry a lot. I don't know why. Probably because it's fucking Ed Sheeran. The song is about staying connected during a long-distance relationship. Or I suppose it's applicable whenever you have to be away from someone and you only have a photograph to remember them by. 

"Photograph" Video

"Give Me Love" by Ed Sheeran

I don't like to write about an artist twice in the same month, especially when it's twice in a row. However, I'm making an exception because I find this song beautiful. Ed Sheeran could probably get any girl he wanted, in spite of his patchy, ginger beard and milquetoast British persona. You know why? Because he writes songs like this.

The music video for this song showed up in my YouTube recommendations (this is going to be a pattern for this month) recently. I was drawn to the video because the actress playing the main role was incredibly gorgeous. Which, after watching the video, make sense. She plays an Angel of Love, and most people think angels to be beautiful beings. Nevermind that most angelic lore says they have eyes all over their bodies, four different faces, and shine so brightly, humans may burst into flames if they saw one. But she's a beautiful angel and she goes around the city, shooting arrows and making people fall in love. However, she's a lone figure. Throughout the video, as she goes about her angelic business, she looks so sad and lonely. At the beginning of the video, we see the angel dead on the mattress in her loft apartment, killed by a single arrow to the heart. Later, we understand why - she shot herself with one of her love arrows so she could experience love for herself.

Give me love like her

'Cause lately I've been waking up alone

Paint splattered teardrops on my shirt

Told you I'd let them go

And that I'll fight my corner

Maybe tonight I'll call ya

After my blood turns into alcohol

No, I just wanna hold ya

There has been this turn in both the psychology and spirituality communities towards radical self-love. There's a theory that you can only love someone as deeply as you love yourself. It all has to do with reciprocity. In our heads, we have a set point on what we think we deserve in relationships, which has a lot to do with our childhood and our relationship with our parents. In fact, most of it has to do with the relationships we saw in childhood. If we had an unhealthy relationship dynamic as a reference point growing up, most of the time, we subconsciously seek out that same relationship dynamic in adulthood - even when we know that's not what we want. Dr. Nicole LePera talks a lot about this, using examples from both her psychological practice and her own life. It's a form of self-betrayal. We know what we want but we don't believe we deserve it because of that predetermined set point. Humans will rarely let another treat them better than they believe they deserve for very long. It's uncomfortable, because we're scared we won't be able to reciprocate - which will lead to abandonment and rejection. The problem is that, with each relationship that follows the unhealthy pattern, our negative beliefs about ourselves get reinforced. We're not worth the effort. We're hard to love or unlovable. Or we fall deeper into a pattern of people pleasing and then we become exhausted and resentful because it doesn't seem to ever work. For definition, self-betrayal is the process of ignoring/denying our own needs and desires in order to acquire the approval and validation of another. It usually develops early, especially when a child has a hyper-critical, neglectful, and/or abusive parent(s). Self-betrayal is a hallmark of a lack of self-love.

Self-betrayal shows up in a myriad of forms. It's pretending to not be hurt by the actions of another out of fear of being seen as too sensitive. It's allowing others to violate your boundaries constantly out of fear they'll abandon you. I could go on but this shit can be easily googled. The point is, like with all things, you can minimize self-betrayal simply by having an awareness that you're in this pattern. Then make a promise to yourself to choose differently, even though it's scary and uncomfortable. With each little promise kept, you begin to trust yourself more. You start to believe that you can protect yourself, when no one else could. And your self-esteem grows and you invest in yourself more. Finally, you understand what self-love feels like and it helps you realize that Love is not a finite resource. It's not a zero sum game. It's renewable and you're able to generate it for yourself. And being loved by another is an enjoyable bonus, not a requisite for survival. Surprisingly, this actually makes you appreciate it more. It takes strength to allow life to make you softer and more giving instead of cold and bitter. But you only understand that once you've been through Hell and back.

People who love themselves move differently. Sometimes, they come off strange to others - because the default in society has been self-hatred for so many years. We don't know what a healthy, well-adjusted person looks like because most of us have never seen one. However, there are some ways to tell when you're getting to that place. When you start to love yourself, you stop trying to impress people who are always looking for something to criticize and always blow your mistakes out of proportion, no matter how much good you do. You stop trying to get the attention of people who prefer to be distracted. You stop being someone you're not to fit into places you don't really want to be. You stop putting value in the opinions of people who don't value yours. You start speaking your mind, regardless of whether others want to hear what you have to say. You walk with purpose, you act with purpose, you speak with purpose. And you actively pursue being the person you want to be. The painful thing about this, though, is you might lose people who prefer to cling to the old version of you. But, it's easier to accept and forgive them for it, because you've been through that part of the journey, too.

I've lost the trail of what I was ranting about. I meditate before writing - sometimes the thoughts come through clearly and match up with any sentences I've written down earlier, sometimes they don't. I'm trying to be a bit more structured with my rants so that they follow in a linear, logical fashion (even though my brain doesn't really work like that....it prefers cascades and explosions of information that form tangled connections upon impact). I've also been digesting some heavy psychology concepts that aren't always easy to put into words without a lot of background information. But we're getting there. At this point in the challenge, I've done pretty well but as we approach the holidays, the posts might get a little more infrequent.

I did want to call out some musical notes for the song. During the bridge, Sheeran goes into some emotive singing. Fairly close to what the Beatles would do during the phase when they were doing Primal Scream Therapy (that's a whole 'nother rant for a different day). Ed Sheeran has one of the loveliest tenor voices in the industry today but the bridge is not pretty. The words come off desperate and it's uncomfortable to listen to - that's the point. When you feel starved of love, you feel desperate. Additionally, the album version of this song includes a second part. Honestly, it's a completely different song and feels like a hidden track because of the long break in between. It's sweet - it's got the sound of an Irish ballad, with lyrics to match. I highly recommend seeking out the full version of "Give Me Love."

"Give Me Love" Video

"I Don't Care" by Ed Sheeran, feat. Justin Bieber

When listening to this song, it is genuinely difficult to figure out when Ed Sheeran is singing and when Justin Bieber is singing. I think Ed sings the first verse and Justin sings the second verse, if I had to make a bet. (Note: When I wrote this, I had not seen the music video - turns out I was right! Also, the video is fucking lame.) As much as I don't like Justin Bieber as a person, I do like his voice. I know...I know....so shameful...

We at a party we don't wanna be at

Tryna talk, but we can't hear ourselves

Read your lips, I'd rather kiss 'em right back

With all these people all around

I'm crippled with anxiety

But I'm told it's where I'm supposed to be

You know what? It's kinda crazy 'cause I really don't mind

And you make it better like that

Today was exhausting, so I wanted to choose a song that always perks me right up. This song was released in May and it took a couple months to grow on me, but now it serves as a much needed pick-me-up some mornings. In general, I would describe myself as an introvert but I do like to be around people, even if we're not interacting. I'm very much one of those people who is totally okay with hanging out in the same room with someone while we do completely separate activities - because I like having their energy around. (Yes, I'm going to use the very woo-woo term of "energy" because I really don't know how better to describe it.) Obviously, I would prefer to be around people I like and in intimate settings (like small bars) where the amount of human energy is not wholly overwhelming. I don't always feel social, though, and as much as I'd like to be able to just turn it on, it doesn't work like that (although the right music can help). I used to be really socially anxious and as a result, I used to drink a lot more, because I'm more talkative when I'm drunk. I don't think twice about saying the sarcastic shit my brain comes up with. I'm not nervous to express my opinion or talk to people who I think are way cooler than me. It's something I had to work on. Something I'm still working on. It's not so bad anymore and, if I'm in a good mood, I don't even need a drink to feel comfortable enough to be myself.

This song is sort of like that. The lyrics are about a guy who is awkward and anxious in social settings, but when he's with his person, it doesn't seem so bad. That's definitely true. The right company always makes an uncomfortable situation a little easier. But that's another thing I'm working on. I'm trying to get better at doing things on my own, because I don't always have someone to drag along with me on my adventures. Shockingly, the Husband does not like obscure French films and isn't interested in going to local pagan arts & crafts shows. And, to be honest, doing these activities with a toddler in tow isn't always the easiest. It's uncomfortable to do stuff alone so I suspect it's probably good for me. Part of the Artist's Way program (which I'm going to give a second try in 2020) requires taking yourself on "Artist's Dates" every week for inspiration. Because you have to fill up the well or something like that. So you have experiences to draw on. Experiences that aren't colored by the presence of another person. I'm excited - I'm starting to kind of like my own company, even if that's a little arrogant to say. I'm a super awesome date, in my humble opinion. And I'm looking forward to some of the adventures I have planned for 2020.

"I Don't Care" Video

"Everything Has Changed" by Taylor Swift (feat. Ed Sheeran)

I know y'all are probably pretty love-song'd out (I am, too, to be quite honest) but it's Taylor Swift's birthday and this one happens to be both my favorite T-Swift song and one of my favorite love songs. I was playing it on repeat last spring and my friend even caught me singing it at work, like a damn fool, because I sing when I'm happy. Yes, she does write happy songs once in a while. It's not all "he's a cheating asshole" and "I'll burn down the fucking world" for Taylor. At least, it wasn't always like that. I have a theory why she is that way, but I won't go into too much detail on that now. Not on her birthday. But, suffice it to say, a man that she loved very much broke her heart. Before that, she was an open-hearted, free-spirited, dream-dazed girl with a guitar and an angel face. Then, someone killed her trust in love and she put iron bars around her heart. Not the best reaction, in my opinion. I feel like shutting down your heart is the quickest way to cut yourself off from the Universe, but I can understand why she did it. It's easier to numb yourself than feel the pain and grow through it. Unfortunately, she'll be 30 next year and the psycho dreamgirl routine won't be cute anymore. But remember that - if a girl seems crazy or insecure or distant, it's probably because someone broke her heart at some point and it's not quite healed.

I love this song because it's so innocent. It's about how love is in the beginning, before the brain gets involved, before you start thinking so much. The video features two kids just....being kids. They don't know if it's love, they just know that there's this person that they like a lot. Call me sentimental, but I adore puppy love. I think it's cute. I remember my first crush. Barely, only bits and pieces. I was in first grade and his name was Jared. He was blonde and green-eyed and I think he liked me, too. And I was so excited when he was in my second grade class, too, and then unbelievably crushed when I moved in the middle of the first semester due to circumstances that my 7-year-old brain couldn't really understand. Spoiler alert: Those circumstances were just as unpleasant as I imagined them to be, but I didn't learn why until I was 21. I'm starting to realize that there's a lot of things in my life that could've turned me into someone like Taylor Swift. But I'm not - I still wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm not one of those girls who mastered guile and I used to hate that, but maybe it's a good thing. I think it's a good thing to be emotionally sensitive and open to possibilities, open to disappointment. That's healthier than shutting yourself off and avoiding scary things like failure and embarrassment. I've tried doing that - it's not for me. I've failed before, I've done incredibly stupid shit, I've been fucking up constantly and consistently since I was a little kid, and - somehow - I think I turned out better for it. But I'm not gonna lie - it does come with a fair amount of anguish, at times. I think that's just normal life, though.

Back to the song, the chorus is "I just wanna know you better" repeated like a zillion times. This really resonated with me, because - as I think I've said before - all I ever really wanted is someone who wants to know everything about me. And I want to know everything about them. I know that's not possible, but still - the desire is there. "Everything Has Changed" is a duet with Ed Sheeran. T-Swift has collaborated with Sheeran like 3 or 4 times. I suppose it's because they have similar styles and they're good friends. My original theory was that T-Swift was in love with Ed Sheeran, but clearly that's not the case. Ed Sheeran recently married a childhood friend, which is the story that runs through his songs. Taylor has a very different story, one that's a little bit sadder. Oh well. She should take comfort that Supergirl is also going through some very real shit in the love department as well, so she's not alone.

Come back and tell me why

I'm feeling like I've missed you all this time

And meet me there tonight

And let me know that it's not all in my mind

I love the video almost as much as the song, because it embodies that innocence I was talking about. It starts with a pretty little girl getting on the bus and sitting down next to her friend. He's reading the Funny Pages (which still is my favorite part of the newspaper) and drinking what appears to be coffee. And she just smiles this smile that says, "I fucking love this little weirdo." The video is these two kids hanging out together, doing typical (and not-so-typical) kid stuff. My other favorite part of the video is when they are talking on the "phone" to each other. In the video, it's clear that the phones are fake and they're just talking to themselves, but their expressions are so animated that you know they believe they're talking to each other. I also like that the kids are different in some ways (he's kind of goofy, she's more serious) but they get along and do things outside of their "wheelhouse" because the other likes doing it. Like reading "The Notebook" or doing yoga or drawing on your face with markers. Kindred spirits. I think it's sweet, but we've already established I'm a sentimental old fool. Enjoy!

"Everything Has Changed" Video