"Bitch" by Meredith Brooks

This song was a favorite for me and my best friend to sing at Double Dave's for karaoke. Usually, I'd choose a really depressing Jewel song to sing (because I sing them so well - she's one of the artists that taught me how to sing via osmosis), but this was the exception. This song came out in 1997, and as you may be able to tell, it was among the various versions of Girl Power that has shaped Millennial feminism. And I'm no exception. I am what I am, I want what I want, and if you can't accept that, you can go fuck off. That's the tagline for basically all the brilliant albums by female artists that came out in the 90s. Also, Rae always liked to tease me about my crush on a fellow actor, Rob, and his inability to project his voice in the theatre unless he was cursing. Bitch was one of the words he said particularly clearly. "Four whores and seven beers ago, some women called me father...." That's a line he had in a variety show my drama club put on and it's one of the funniest lines I've ever heard in an amateur production. Being that hilarious in my writing while addressing difficult subjects is what I aspire to.

I'm told I'm a "sweetheart." Mostly. I look mean but then when people get to know me, they learn how friendly and caring I can be. I will literally do anything for the people that I care about. Some examples - jump off walls, drive hundreds of miles just to visit for a couple days, change all my carefully laid plans on a moment's notice to help them out. Anything. But that doesn't mean I can't be a bitch - it just takes a lot. Usually, the bitch only comes out when I'm feeling threatened or when my tolerance for bullshit has hit an all time low (and that's really, really fucking hard to do). To some, it can come as a surprise. I'm the nicest person in the world...until I'm not. For some reason, people don't think I'm going to stand up for myself when they cross the line but - sooner or later - I always do. Because someone has to. I'm an incredibly flawed individual and painfully self-aware, and I'm working on it. But I'm the only one who knows where I've been and where I'm going.

I hate the world today

You're so good to me

I know but I can't change

Tried to tell you

But you look at me like maybe

I'm an angel underneath

Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried

Must have been relieved to see

The softer side

I can understand how you'd be so confused

I don't envy you

I'm a little bit of everything

All rolled into one

It occurred to me today that there are people who already think I'm a bitch, because they don't know me very well. Mostly, people who are supposed to be my "colleagues," in theory. Ironically, they think I'm a bitch because I speak up. And I don't put up with their bullshit, like my boss does. That's okay, though, because I literally don't care anymore. My gift has always been my voice. That's why I sing and write. And why (I hope) when I say something, most people shut up and listen. And I realized that people treat me like a doormat because I don't say anything. Until I get fed up, then everyone looks at me like I'm the bad guy. Fuck that noise.

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease

I'm a goddess on my knees

When you hurt, when you suffer

I'm your angel undercover

I've been numb, I'm revived

Can't say I'm not alive

You know I wouldn't want it any other way

I'm thinking back on my trip to Boston and considering some moments that stand out, all of which happened during a drunken haze. Weirdly enough, I actually remember all the stupid stuff I do while I'm drunk. I have a theory that it's a superpower that all writers have. Back to those moments:

1. Some girl who bumped into me on accident called me the "most adorable human ever." Accurate.
2. Another (extremely drunk) young lady said I was "a true friend" because I held the door closed while she was going to the bathroom. The lock on the stall was broken and girls had been doing that for each other all night, so I just thought I was being courteous. There's a special kind of solidarity between drunk girls in a loud dance club....one that I kind of missed, to be honest. 
3. I was dancing with my sister's friend (who was kind enough to watch after me when my sister disappeared for like 30 minutes) and he asked me when was the last time I felt "this free." I replied that it had been over a decade. It was only the morning after I realized that I'd lied. I had felt that free more recently than that. I just forgot about it for a moment. I can be that free again, if I want. And I don't need to be five beers deep to feel it. 

Everything feels like a lesson nowadays. And even the light moments, like the ones mentioned, feel heavier as I get older. I was considering a quote by Friedrich Nietzche this morning - "And once you are awake, you shall remain awake eternally." Which sucks. You can't un-know what you know and it truly is a bitch. But I ask you - who would ever want to go back to sleep?

"Bitch" Video

May Theme: "The Shadow"

As you may have guessed, April kicked my ass. There was just too many things going on - from last minute work trips to one of the worst colds I've had in a couple years. I'm hoping May will be smoother. Today is Beltane (or Bealtaine, which is the Gaelic spelling and my preferred version), an ancient fertility festival and one of the eight Sabbats in the pagan Wheel of the Year. Traditionally, it marked the beginning of the Summer and rituals were performed to celebrate/encourage the new growth of the coming season. It also happens to be my favorite Sabbat. What can I say? As much as I like spooky, goth stuff, I am - and always will be - a "dancing naked around a bonfire" type of pagan. The tent's big enough for all types. (For the record, I have not done this....but I also know myself well enough to know that, if the opportunity arose, I would not say "no." Keep in mind - before all the commercialization, I used to think going to Burning Man might be a fun vacation. I know, I know - I'm a dirty hippie. Sorry, not sorry.)

Now, I fully realize that Beltane falls during a time frame where people are focused on the coming good times and looking forward to feeling the sun our faces. But, most importantly, it's a time of growth and there is no growth without facing the hard times (and by "facing," I mean intense, analytical study). After a day (fuck it - a whole month) where I've been really feeling my limitations,  I thought I'd take one last look at the darkness before we get to the freer, sunnier months of June and July. For this month, I decided to focus on The Shadow, the Jungian concept of the dispossessed, uncomfortable parts of us that societal norms have labeled "bad" but are essential and inextricable from the human experience. I'm also a big fan of songs whose lyrics contain darker imagery, even if the overall tone of the song is intended to be upbeat. I'm pairing the songs up with short discussions of Jungian archetypes and some recommendations for addressing them through shadow work. It goes without saying but the topics discussed this month are probably not going to be light and I'll be drawing on my own knowledge of Psychology (as well as helpful resources for those who want to learn more) to inform my writing. That being said, there should be some humor in it to - the best comedy comes from recognizing the shadow and understanding that there's nothing in it to be afraid of. To quote a great wizard, "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."

"Miracle" by CHVRCHES

Beats Per Minute: 124
Perfect For: Long distance runs after rough days

Today was a helluva day, my friends. And, after a helluva day, I get really introspective about things. On days like today, though, I remind myself that the Universe throws these curve balls at us for one reason - to teach us the lessons we need to learn. So what lesson did I learn today? I learned (or re-learned) a couple, actually. The first is that you can pray for and help people as much as you want, as hard as you can, but ultimately, you're never in control of how things in their life play out - they are. The second thing - and I feel like this is actually really important for me right now - is that there's a difference between hope and intuition. They both feel very different physically and I'm not sure if I realized that before. Hope is when you're expecting something to go your way because you desperately need it to. Intuition - as far as I've experienced it - feels like a knowing. Like you know how things are going to go, no matter what the reality currently looks like. For example, with my son, I knew I was pregnant before I took that first home test. I know it sounds kind woo-woo but, even though I didn't have any of the typical symptoms and it was still really early (almost too early to detect), I felt eerily calm when the possibility first came to mind. Intuition feels like something is inevitable, so you don't worry about it, whereas hope is all about worry. Worry about what happens next if things don't work out, so much so that you make up a hypothetical situation to assuage your fears. To sum up - intuition feels calm, hope feels like you're putting a positive spin on anxiety.

I've been reading a lot about hope, about how it's just another expectation, which just leads to disappointment. Hope is very future-based. Unfortunately, you have to be happy in the present. It's a vicious cycle - you hope for something, it doesn't happen, you become disappointed (and, thus, unhappier), so you reach for something in farther in the future. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. To break the cycle, you have to find the good in the present. What good came out of today? Well, next week, I'm going to have a lot more time to meditate, read, and sleep - I'm kind of looking forward to that. Things were starting to get a little boring at work and now, it looks like I'm probably going to be a lot busier. The workload is going to be a lot more balanced once the dust has settled. And it is definitely going to be imperative that I get a passport, just in case...so, a trip to Iceland within the next couple of years is a real possibility. Or maybe we could visit our friends in Italy? Yes, a lot of good things and everything is going to turn out fine. It always does.

Ask me no questions, I will tell you no lies

Careful what you wish for

We're looking for angels in the darkest of skies

Saying that we wanted more

I feel like I'm falling, but I'm trying to fly

Where does all the good go?

We're looking for answers in the highest of highs

But will we ever, ever know?

And I need you to know

I'm not asking for a miracle

But if love was enough, could you let it show?

If you feel it could you let me know?

"Miracle" was another one of those songs that YouTube recommended. It's starting to know my music tastes almost too well, kind of like how Facebook knows I just ate a sandwich. Chvrches album, "Love Is Dead," is loosely organized around faith and religion - or, more aptly, the feeling of separation when that sense of belonging and purpose is missing. "Miracle" is about the all too human search for acceptance. To be fully understood, accepted, and loved by someone. Anyone. Lauren Mayberry, in her explanation of the song, said that she doesn't "know if people really find that." Perhaps that's a little cynical, but can you blame her? Our society doesn't really value acceptance and understanding, we value time, attachment, and ownership. We're trying to change our ways, but we're not there yet. The title "Miracle" is a bit sarcastic - it doesn't seem like a lot to ask, but maybe it is. Of course, to find that level of unconditional love, you have to trust that love can really be unconditional. You have to believe that actually exists and that's way too scary for most people. Maybe scary isn't the right word - inconceivable. They can't wrap their head around it, which I suppose could feel scary, at times. I'm venturing to the philosophical again, which wasn't my intention. Even though I chose an unexpectedly philosophical song. I tend to do that. A lot. Regardless, this song helps me fill in the blanks when I'm too drained to think anymore. It's bouncy but the lyrics and tone are delightfully bitter. And the increased intensity during the chorus is perfect when I get the urge to sprint as fast as I can. I hate to brag but I'm blindingly fast....for like 20 seconds, and then I go back to my normal speed. Which is only slightly faster than the average 30-year-old woman. Like everything else, I'm working on it.

"Miracle" Video

"Whatever It Takes" by Imagine Dragons

Beats per Minute: 68
Good for: Interval Training (or any other workout where you're actively pushing yourself)

My days are long. On a typical day, I wake up at 4am to do my Morning Pages, a practice recommended by Julia Cameron in "The Artist's Way" where you basically do a brain dump first thing in the morning by filling 3 pages up with writing. Preferably by hand. Numerous writers and artists credit this practice for breaking through their blocks. If it works, it works, so I do it. Then I go to work for 8 hours. Then I come home and do some housewifing - work out/run/do yoga, cook dinner, a clean a little, hang out with the family to watch something (usually "The Grand Tour" or one of several DC shows). Finally, I put my toddler to bed and head upstairs to write for another hour or two. Sometimes it's this blog, sometimes it's just in my journal, occasionally it's another project I'm working on. If I'm lucky, I make enough progress to feel good about finishing up by 9pm. Most days, though, I'm heading to bed around 10pm. It's rough but I'm not complaining. For months, I have written something every day and that's not nothing. I'm extremely proud of that accomplishment. Even if it means I look a bit tired most days.

I read awhile ago that if you want to be a writer, you need to write. And that stung a bit at the time, because I hadn't been. I would go months without writing a god damn thing, which sucked. It felt like I had given up. It felt like I didn't have any talent, like I was all talk and no action. It felt like I was walking away from a deeply held dream. When that happens, you have to have the courage to look at yourself in the mirror and ask the hard questions. Do you want this enough to endure whatever pain and dejection you might feel in the future? Is this what you really hope to accomplish in your life? Are you prepared to do whatever it takes? Surprisingly, a lot of people decide that - no, I am decidedly not willing or prepared to do any of that stuff. And that's fine. That's a choice we all have to make and as long as you're at peace with it, you're good. I would not have been at peace. And the primary reason why I know that is because of one thing - I look forward to waking up at 4am to write those stupid morning pages. And, even after a hellish day at work, I look forward to opening up a vein and bleeding onto this blog for you fine people to read. And, most days, I'm not even worried that nothing will ever come of it. I've learned to love the work, not the dream. And that is by far one of the most valuable things I've learned during my existence. Because you've got to dig in your heels and do the work. There's no way around it. Trust me - I've tried.

Always had a fear of being typical

Looking at my body feeling miserable

Always hanging on to the visual

I wanna be invisible

Looking at my years like a martyrdom

Everybody needs to be a part of 'em

Never be enough, I'm the prodigal son

I was born to run, I was born for this

I find a lot of understated wisdom on Twitter. Maybe it's the people I follow, maybe it's just because I'm open to seeing it. Who knows? But I wanted to share a few tidbits I like to remember when I'm feeling particularly sorry for myself. One of them I've already shared - Learn to love the work. The others are a little more metaphysical in nature, so I'll explain the philosophy as best I can.

I recently ran across a tweet which posited that "current desires are just memories from the future." I'd heard this before, that we feel that things are "meant for us" because we have them in the future. This concept is essential in manifestation magic, because it removes the anxiety and the feeling of lack when you want something so bad but it's not in your current reality. Anxiety and fear are the absolutely toxic to any and all forms of magic. That's something I learned very early on in my journey as a witch. It keeps you focused on what you lack instead of having faith that, no matter what happens, you're are going to get what you need in life - it just might not look how you expect. If you feed being anxious, then you're naturally going to be more anxious. In theory, believing that what you want is already on the way helps you to let go and allows things to unfold naturally. The saying goes that the best things happen when you're least expecting them. So don't force it because you don't need to. The only thing you should be focusing on is what you need to do next. Like literally. What do you need to do in the present moment to move forward? Cook dinner? Clean your room? Ramble for five pages? Great! Go do that and put your whole mind, body, and soul into it.

The next piece of Twitter wisdom I wanted to share was something I read yesterday morning. Someone tweeted that you shouldn't be afraid of growing old, but be grateful instead, because so many people didn't have that opportunity. They didn't get the opportunity to fret about gray hairs and wrinkles. They didn't experience the frustration of raising a very energetic little boy. They didn't get to be annoyed by their coworkers over small and ultimately meaningless mistakes. And when you look at it that way, it's amazing how many things we have to be grateful for. And gratitude is essential for long term happiness. It's funny - today, someone asked how old I was and I just rounded up. I said, "I'm almost 32." The voice inside my head was screaming "I'm 31 and a half!" like a little kid. That's one of my favorite take-aways from "Stranger from a Strange Land" - this concept that, at 31, I am still "only an egg." I'm still learning, still growing, still have so much to do and see. And my grandmother just turned 95, so I'm pretty confident that I have a fairly long life ahead of me so worrying about growing old is a bit premature. It's a waste of energy. What good does it do? Time is going to march on, regardless of our protests. Might as well embrace it and enjoy the ride.

Hypocritical, egotistical

Don't wanna be the parenthetical, hypothetical

Working onto something that I'm proud of, out of the box

An epoxy to the world and the vision we've lost

I'm an apostrophe

I'm just a symbol to remind you that there's more to see

I'm just a product of the system, a catastrophe

And yet a masterpiece, and yet I'm half-diseased

And when I am deceased

At least I go down to the grave and die happily

Leave the body and my soul to be a part of thee

I do what it takes

Closing out this post, this song is about pushing through and putting in the work to accomplish your dreams, regardless of how much "suffering" you have to go through. As I said, you just have to figure out what to do next. The rest will sort itself out on the way.

So what do I need to do next?

I need to go the fuck to sleep.

"Whatever It Takes" Video

"Sit Still, Look Pretty" by Daya

This song came up on my Spotify Discover playlist. It's super catchy - there's your warning. I've been thinking back on my life, trying to figure out where I got here, to this moment. On one hand, I'm fairly successful by societal standards, generally content with most things in my life; on the other, I'm kind of disappointed because I thought things would be different. I couldn't tell you exactly how it would be different, I just thought it would be. I guess I envy the point of view in this song, because I've been so muddled for so long. I didn't have a clear direction, things just sort of happened and I followed where they led. Last week, during my work meetings, the head facilitator brought up this great metaphor that I plan to use for absolutely everything now. He said we had to correct our Natural Point of Aim. Marksmen will set their sights on a target, then close their eyes and move their gun around. After a few seconds, with their eyes still closed, they have to aim at where they think the target is. Where the gun ends up is their Natural Point of Aim, which is self-explanatory. If you're very far off target, you have to keep doing the exercise until you're fully corrected. Until your Natural Point of Aim is the target. I believe I'm in the process of correcting my Natural Point of Aim. And, understandably, I'm annoyed at how far off target I am because I hold myself to such high standards. Standards, by the way, I don't hold anyone else to, which is part of my problem.

Tomorrow is a Full Moon in Libra. Libra is all about balance, wanting balance in all areas of your life. And I'm starting to realize how unbalanced my life is and now, balance is all I want. Because my natural inclination is to do too much, to put in to much, regardless of what I'm getting back. We can talk all day about why that is - I know I have serious psychological hangups and I'm working on it. Suffice it to say that, if I pull back even just the slightest bit, nothing gets done. I've been filling in the gap my whole life - and I don't know how to stop. I can't just let the chaos pile up around me. I know Marie Kondo would tell me that it's okay to let it happen, that you can rebuild something new with the rubble. Cleaning up the mess that ensues would be preferable to what I'm currently feeling, which is resentful and angry. And when I voice that anger, I'm the one who seems unreasonable. "You had no problem with things being this way before, what changed?" I got fed up. I'm exhausted and I'm not even trying to hide it anymore. I find myself yelling a lot more and I hate it. Yelling gives me anxiety, because I did so much of it when I was younger, because I had to defend myself and my sisters. And there's nothing I dislike more than the feeling of screaming and still not being heard.

Oh, I don't know what you've been told

But this gal right here's gonna rule the world

Yeah, that is where I'm gonna be because I wanna be

No, I don't wanna sit still, look pretty

You get off on your nine to five

Dream of picket fences and trophy wives

But no, I'm never gonna be 'cause I don't wanna be

No, I don't wanna sit still look pretty

This is my current mood. I'm going to fucking fix this mess I've gotten myself in. I think a lot of problems emanate from not being crystal clear about what you want in life. That's how you get off track - you lose sight of who you want to be and what you want to accomplish. Daya is perfectly clear about what she wants in her life - she wants to rule the world, she doesn't want a typical suburban life with all the trappings of mediocrity. In manifestation (and tomorrow is also a Supermoon, so a great time for doing manifestation work), it's extremely powerful to just put into words what you want. Putting it out to the Universe voices your commitment to making it happen. I want to be a writer. I want to be the best mom I can be. I want to have my shit together, for once. Then comes the hard part. I mean, don't get me wrong - just being able to identify what it is you really want is hard enough. To be honest, it took me a couple decades. But the second part is harder, because you have to just trust that you'll get there.

There's this principle in Taoism called wu wei. It's the action of non-action, that when we're alignment, we don't have to do anything to make what we want happen. A simpler way to put this is "going with the flow." I've been trying to do that, but I struggle with patience. And non-action scares me a little. I have this intense feeling that, if I'm not doing something, nothing is going to happen. Trying to get into this paradoxical wu wei state of being has been a trial. How do you even get into "alignment"? Well, from all my research, all you have to do is live from your most authentic self, which is also very scary. It's scary to be honest with people about what you're thinking and what you're feeling. Being authentic means that you're basically the same person publicly as you are privately, something I've never been good at. But, in hindsight, I can also say that keeping those walls up has taken its toll. I'm doing my best to not try to force things, to make things happen.

This afternoon, while I was getting ready to go running, I got a nasty shock when I found a spider on my closet door. My first instinct was to smash it. However, since I've decided to commit to this whole "everything is sacred" thing, I figured it must be a sign from the Universe and it would be a bad idea to kill the poor thing. It was just a Daddy Long-Legs, after all. Not dangerous, just big and he surprised me, which isn't a good reason to kill anything. So I got a cup and released him on my front door step. Afterwards, I googled the spiritual meaning of spiders - they represent creativity and our ability to weave our own Fate. They also represent the need for patience, because you can't rush when you're constructing something of great meaning and beauty. Keeping that in mind, earlier today, lyrics from a particular song was stuck in my head and offered guidance on how to deal with where I am right now:

When I find myself in times of trouble,

Mother Mary comes to me,

Speaking words of wisdom

Let it be.

So, I'm trying to just let things be right now. I'm definitely not in control of this ride, so why worry so much? Keep seeking whatever you're searching for, because it's also seeking you. I know the above sounds like of a bunch of bullshit, but I think there's a lot of wisdom in songs, if you just take a moment to listen.

"Sit Still, Look Pretty" Video

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming....

With a song from an artist my work bro introduced me to on this trip. His name is Jon Bellion and he does a sort of experimental hip hop. A lot of sampling and liberal use of an MPC, which gives his music a unique sound. However, it's the lyrics that got me. My friend played "Woke the F*ck Up" and I was hooked. This guy gets it. Coincidentally, this song is from his debut album, appropriately titled "The Human Condition." Most of his songs fit that theme accurately. There's something meaningful in the mundane, and Bellion captures that.

Take your clothes and rip 'em, rip 'em off

Call these hoes and tip 'em, tip 'em off

You can tell them you are mine

I'm sick of, sick of games

No more time, you lit the, lit the flame, yeah

We live in an age where everything is staged

Where all we do is fake our feelings

I've been scared to put myself so out there

Time is running out, yeah

Need to let you know that

Last night I woke the fuck up

I realized I need you here, as desperate as that sounds, yeah-eh

Last night I woke the fuck up

I realized I need you here, as desperate as that sounds, yeah-eh

We decided not to go out to eat tonight. We both had leftovers and, quite frankly, I think we're both a little bored of hanging out together after four days. That's normal. It's normal to get tired of hanging out with someone all day. It's normal to struggle for things to talk about, even if you're good friends with someone. And yet again, that tiny, goddamned voice....

"You never wanted normal."

During the course of the day, when there's lulls in the constant activity, my mind wanders. I was thinking about the story I'm writing. I've been struggling to identify what I want to convey. But I realized it's simply this....To expose the blood and bone and sinew that gets to the heart of human existence. I want to write something raw and desperate like that, something that reminds people that's real. They're not imagining it. What we're experiencing is real and not real at the same time. I've gotten to the point in this trip where everything seems a little surreal. I was getting breakfast and I was acutely aware of how sticky the floor was. A sticky floor in a rather high-end looking hotel. I hate sticky floors, but I'm also kind of high maintenance. This realization - of sticky floors and not-quite-right scrambled eggs - is part of my effort to stay present. I take a moment and try to really understand the details of where I am, everything I'm sensing through my physical presence, and my thoughts about those things. For example, I was looking at all the people I was sharing this small conference room with, trying to memorize their faces. And I came to the conclusion that I have no clue what "attractive" means anymore, because everyone's face seemed pleasant to me. By pleasant, I meant I didn't mind looking at them but it didn't bother me if I wasn't looking at them. I guess neutral, is a better word. I've become neutral.

When I was 18, I read Jean-Paul Sartre's "Nausea." I know that sounds pretentious, to say I've read Jean-Paul Sartre, but I have because that's just who I am. I don't mention that a lot because most people have no idea who he is or what existentialism even really means. People just think it sounds cool to say, but it's a fairly profound philosophical concept. Existentialism is the idea that each individual is responsible for giving their own life meaning. We begin in a state of dread - that life is inherently meaningless. This feeling, as described by Sartre, is akin to nausea. It's disorienting and disquieting, and leaves you with a pit in your stomach. Another way I'd describe it would be emptiness and an existential crisis, indeed, leaves you feeling like you're being sucked into a black void, of which you can never crawl out of, which some would call the Dark Night of the Soul. This is usually the start of the Hero's Journey. Something happens that turns his/her whole world inside out, to the point where he can't cope. Some people (possibly most people) live at the edge of this void for the majority of their lives. However, the only way out of it is to struggle through, dragging yourself through your own personal hell. Eventually, you reach the point of no return - some call this seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but in truth, you have to realize you had the light the whole time. This is the arc of a good character-driven story and, as it turns out, a good concept album as well. "The Human Condition" follows essentially Jon Bellion's Hero's Journey. I'm trying to keep these ideas in mind as I write my own character-driven plot. One final thought before I end this rant - the following sentence came to me today and I feel strongly that I'm meant to share it, because I find it comforting:

The [human] experience is not unique, our perception of it is.

"Woke the F*ck Up" Video

"Fidelity" by Regina Spektor

I discovered this song while watching "Secret Diary of a Call Girl," a British show that I enjoyed watching once upon a time. I thought it had been cancelled after two seasons but, during my research for this post, I learned it actually survived for four. I think the issue was that America stopped importing it to Showtime and that's why I only saw the first two seasons. I found the show fascinating, mostly because it was largely based on a true story about a grad student who became a call girl to pay for her tuition. I read the book, too - the show is more inspired by the events than based on what happened but I liked learning about Belle de Jour's adventures nonetheless. And - in case you're wondering - yes, I am the type of person who hears a few notes during a shower scene starring Billie Piper and the first thing I think of is, "I've got to find that song...." I find the best songs when I'm just watching a show or walking through a restaurant. Next to Spotify, Shazam is the most used music app on my phone and you'll be surprised to know it rarely fails me.

As I was saying, I do try to do a little research before writing this blog, which I can understand may be hard to believe. I especially like to look up the song meanings, to make sure I actually heard the message that was being conveyed. Usually, I'm pretty spot on but today, I was pleasantly surprised. This song is slightly misleading in that, depending on how you're feeling when you're listening to the lyrics, it's either a break up song or a happy love song. I wouldn't have realized this if I hadn't been reading the comments, which I do from time to time because I find other people's thoughts entertaining and - occasionally - enlightening. I like this one person's interpretation of it as a happy love song, which basically goes like this....the singer never truly loved anyone before and now that she has, she understands that she was holding herself back in ways she could never understand and that's what breaks her heart. This interpretation reminds me of a Rumi quote, which I will include here (because I am now - and have always been - the type of person who quotes Rumi and Hafiz and Neruda)....

"Break your heart until it opens."

It seems simple enough but it's so hard to grasp in practice. I've been reading a lot of books - not all of which are of the spiritual persuasion - but a singular theme seems to be arising. True love shows you who you are. It doesn't just make you the person you always wanted to be, it reminds you that you already are. You just have to wipe a little dust off the mirror, that's all.  And while I'm still trying earnestly to grasp these philosophical concepts that oftentimes seem just out of reach, I'm getting closer. And with philosophy - which has no right or wrong answers, an much needed respite in a world desperately clinging to absolutes - if something feels true, hold onto it. Because it might be.

Suppose I never ever met you

Suppose we never fell in love

Suppose I never ever let you

Kiss me so sweet and so soft

Suppose I never ever saw you

Suppose you never ever called

Suppose I kept on singing love songs

Just to break my own fall

During the chorus, Spektor sings, "I hear in my mind all of these voices, I hear in my mind all of these words, and I hear in my mind all of this music." In the interpretation that I found, the voices and the words are all of her doubts and fears that prevented her from fully loving someone before this point. The verse above is all her "what ifs," the troubling things she thinks about when she's really forced to be alone with her heart. And that's the crux of it - we let those doubts and fears get in the way. As a sort of protection, a shield around our hearts. Maybe less of a shield and more of a cage. But, from what I've been learning and digesting (both lately and throughout most of my human experience) is that Love is freeing. It frees you from whatever is holding you back, because those chains can no longer contain you. You're invincible. I realize now I may sound a bit like Christian from "Moulin Rouge." I was always able to identify with the perspectives of both him and Satine. Always understood her (very justified) Fear, but always embraced his untethered hope and faith in Love. In the end, they switch roles - she has hope that Love will redeem her and he Fears that what he felt was never real. But eventually, those fears and doubts are dissolved and what is left is pure. Pure everything. Pure Love. Pure Music. Everything came full circle in the most emotional and uplifting song in the entire movie. And I think that's why most songs are about Love - because music has this powerful ability to transport us to that place with the most basic beauty that humans can create. That the universe created. Sound. Music was the first art. And it will surely be the last, whenever the end comes.

There's a lot of symbolism in the video, mostly surrounding the use of color. Again, at first blush, you think you're watching the video of a break up song. But then she turns it around and nothing is as you thought it was. Enjoy!

"Fidelity" Video

"Creep" by Radiohead (as performed by Scala & Kolacny Brothers)

I'm kind of writing this later than I had planned. It turned out to be a crazy, exhausting weekend. Blame it on the eclipse. Or the Super Blood Wolf Moon, or whatever the fuck they were calling it on social media. Radiohead - and specifically Thom Yorke - hate "Creep." They get tired of playing it, which I can understand. Ironically, though, it's the song that will prove to make them immortal. That's the secret to immortality, guys. Make something beautiful. I figured that out in my early 20s. I'm pretty sure I have a ranty journal entry on it somewhere....or perhaps I waxed poetic about it in my Medieval Philosophy notes, which I kept because I had some pretty fantastic doodles illustrating philosophical concepts. And I'm pretty sure, on one of those college-ruled pages, will be the lyrics to "Creep" in my very careful cursive writing. Because I love this song. It's up there with "Iris." My favorite version is the Postmodern Jukebox cover with Haley Reinhart's vocals, but that's because she has an amazing voice and I'm a sucker for Big Band music. This particular cover was featured in the trailer for "The Social Network." I guess to underscore how unique and special Mark Zuckerberg feels like he is. But that's a soapbox lecture for another day.

I think why I - and so many others - identify with "Creep" is that it gets to the core wound of humanity. We all feel so damned unlovable. That's what this whole song is about. He could be singing about anyone on the street. And although the band admits the lyrics are about a girl that Thom Yorke followed around while she was at college, it doesn't necessarily have to be about an object of romantic interest. Because it's about feeling like a stranger even when amongst your closest friends, or feeling indescribably lonely even when you're in a crowd of people. A feeling I am well acquainted with. To feel both weird but also insanely ordinary at the same time....it's maddening. What makes it worse is that I'm so good at playing it cool, most of the time. Most people thought I was quiet because I was a snob in high school. More than once, people have described me as cold and unemotional. Except that I'm not. In some ways, I feel like I'm more emotional than other people. I'm empathic, or otherwise incredibly adept at picking up other people's emotions. I had to be while I was growing up - most children from abusive and neglectful homes are. It's a survival tactic. And I'm also good at knowing when people are lying to me...but it turns out everyone is lying about something. Which leads to me feeling like I'm being gaslighted all the time. So either I'm insane or everybody else is....which is better? I just don't care anymore.

I don't care if it hurts

I want to have control

I want a perfect body

I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice

When I'm not around

You're so fuckin' special

I wish I was special

That's my favorite verse. I don't know why but it resonates. I know it's all about control. I spent years trying to attain the "perfect body" but eating was just something I could control in my very chaotic world. Now I wonder if I'm using the chase for a "perfect soul" to do the same thing now. Lately, when I get deep into my feels and end up in a personal pity party, I keep finding a random ladybug. Symbolically, ladybugs signify good fortune ahead and that your wishes are manifesting. So I don't know if the Universe is trying to tell me to keep having faith....or if the Universe is just taunting me. Go ahead....keep believing in those impossible things. Hope is a dangerous thing. That was the moral of the last "Flash" episode I watched. Of course, that episode had a happy ending for the person Barry was trying to help, because that's the point of "Flash." He had a pretty shitty childhood, arguably shittier than Batman because he wasn't even born a billionaire, but the Flash is still optimistic, still believes that people are fundamentally good. That people deserve to be loved, even at their worst, even when they don't believe they deserve it. Of course, I believe that, too.

I guess it's pretty obvious at this point that I didn't have a plan when I started writing this post. Just playing with free association until I get to some sort of Truth. I guess that Truth would be....we all feel like "creeps" once in awhile. If you're following a pretty girl around your college campus, you're probably taking it just a wee bit too far, but that doesn't make you a terrible person. I wish I could say it gets better but even after facing down my demons, I feel unlovable and unloved. I know it isn't true....at least, I don't think it is. I don't know. I've spent a lot of my quiet moments today thinking on the people I've known and the choices I've made that have led me up to this exact point in my life. And the truth is I don't know a damn thing. Except for music. I do have pretty good taste in music. Most of the time. Anyway, before I went off my tangent, I was talking about the song. Scala & Kolacny Brothers is a Belgian women's choir known for making covers of alternative rock music like Radiohead and Nirvana. Like all women's choral music, it sounds like angels are singing. Having been in several choirs, I know how difficult it is to translate contemporary music into the complex arrangement you hear in this version. But it's worth it. Including the original because - as I've mentioned - it's doomed to be an immortal classic.

Scala and Kolacny Brothers Version

Radiohead Version

"My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion (as covered by New Found Glory)

::SPOILER ALERT:: I am going to share some minor details about "Aquaman." And some major details about the movie "Titanic." Newsflash: The ship sinks and that movie is 20 years old - if you haven't seen it by now, you're probably never going to see it. Which is a shame, because it's one of the most definitive movies of the 90s. But it is a long movie - the movie takes more time to finish than it took for the actual Titanic to sink. But I digress. I'm going to weave these two movies together into a philosophical discussion on the nature of Fate and Free Will. And that's the real spoiler - your head is going to hurt something awful after reading this. ::END::

I'm going to share a controversial opinion - Jack was always meant to die in "Titanic." No matter what happened, even if Rose had moved her fat ass to make room on that door, he would've died. If somehow, he had made it to New York with Rose, he probably would've been instantly run over by a taxi or choked on a hot dog. That was his Destiny. Sorry folks. It's clear from the very beginning of the movie that the Universe was conspiring to get Jack onto that damned ship. First, those Norwegian guys bet their tickets to travel on the Titanic, which was a stupid idea to begin with and not something sane people would do considering the historical nature of Titanic's maiden voyage (it would've been historical, even if they had made it because the ship was so huge). Second, Jack actually won that poker game, which seems like good luck but we now know it wasn't. Third, while Jack and Fabrizio are celebrating and probably would've tried to sneak in another drink before heading to the ship, the bartender let's them know that they only have 5 minutes to get there - exactly the amount of time needed to get to the ship if they rushed. Then, somehow, they are able to get through the crowd and onto the gangway just before the doors closed. And finally, the doorman lets them in, knowing that they haven't gone through the hygiene check, just based on Jack's dubious claim that they're both Americans - a major breach of protocol considering how quickly disease spreads on a ship. Yep, Jack was just too lucky not to die a watery death on April 15, 1912.

The Universe was not unkind, though. It knew that, in order for Jack to meet his True Love, he had to be on that ship. Because, otherwise, Rose would've died. That was her Destiny if she didn't meet Jack. She would've succeeded in throwing herself off the stern or would've killed herself at some later date due to her unhappiness at being Cal's wife. Meeting Jack gave her a reason to live, even after he died, because she had to fulfill her promise of having a happy and full life, which she did. And I'm sure she thought of Jack every single day. I'm sure some days she was sad, but most days, she was probably grateful for their short time together. Grateful he existed. Because not everyone gets to meet their True Love within every lifetime. And if Jack had not gotten on the Titanic, he would've been one of those unlucky people. Sad but true.

Love can touch us one time

And last for a lifetime

And never let go till we're gone

Love was when I loved you

One true time I hold to

In my life we'll always go on

Near, far, wherever you are

I believe that the heart does go on

Once more you open the door

And you're here in my heart

And my heart will go on and on

"Aquaman" begins with a Jules Verne quote - "Put two ships on the ocean, without wind or tide, and they will meet....it is only a question of time." Then the movie launches into how Arthur Curry's parents met. And that's how all great romances start - two people are put into a situation where they cannot avoid meeting. And, when I think about it, there's never really a chase in these romances - both people just know that, whatever happens, they were supposed to meet. Anyway, due to the way "Aquaman" starts, it was pretty much tugging at my heartstrings the whole movie. During the movie, Tom Curry walks to the end of the pier every day at sunset, waiting for Atlanna to return. Even after Arthur tells him Atlanna was executed, he still waits, brushing it off as "old habits." But I don't think it was old habits - and not to give away too much, but I think his heart still pulls him to wait for 30 years because, deep inside, he doesn't believe she's dead. He has faith she'll come back, though everything up until that point has told him otherwise. Going back to "Titanic," I think about that sometimes - yes, Rose lived an amazing life, got married, had children, but when she dies, it's Jack who is waiting for her. Was she just waiting this whole time, faithfully knowing that he was going to be there in the end? I also wonder sometimes if we intuitively know that a person is supposed to be special to us. That we're supposed to meet them, even if it's just for a second. But, then, what happens if we don't follow that inner prompting?

I read recently about a guy who had a love at first sight experience. A girl came into the subway car and sat down next to him. He talked to her - of course, because everything in his being was telling him to! - and finally, the subway car came to his stop. He hesitated a moment, but then got off the car. He didn't even give her his number! Based on the article I was reading, I don't think he ever ran into her again but he was still hoping he would. Because it's one of his greatest regrets, getting off that car, not even trying to leave himself a breadcrumb. It'll probably haunt him forever, because he might never get another opportunity. As I've said, the Universe hates when people aren't listening. After reading "The Alchemist," I feel like I finally understand something fundamental about the nature of Free Will - Free Will is simply the ability to choose NOT to take the path that God (or the Universe) has laid out before us. The Universe will keep trying to put us back on that path, certainly (if it's possible - sometimes, we just miss our chance), but we always have the choice to not follow it. While I'm rambling, I'm going to suggest some reading by Pico della Mirandola. In his "Oration on the dignity of the human being," Mirandola describes in beautiful detail the gift of Free Will and the responsibilities that accompany it. I learned a great many things in my Medieval History class, but Mirandola's speech was one of the things I actually remember. It actually figured greatly into my Medieval Philosophy paper on St. Thomas Aquinas' theories on Destiny. Because I've been wracking my brain on this nonsense for over two decades. I'd like to think I'm a centimeter closer to understanding now, but I'd be deceiving myself.

I know - the above rant (which I know is nowhere near coherent - merely an amalgamation of shower musings, to be honest) has absolutely nothing to do with music. "My Heart Will Go On" was one of the greatest ballads of the late 90s. And as much as I love Celine Dion, I like it when punk bands do covers of love songs like this. Something about the heightened tempo and harsher instrumentation contrasting against the romantic lyrics makes it magical to me. Perhaps it's the nostalgia for the music style of my childhood - I do have an unusually large soft spot for 90s alternative. Maybe it's that it takes the trite nature of "My Heart Will Go On" and makes it sound more rebellious. Because, if all these loves stories and fairy tales have taught us anything, it's that going after True Love is always rebellious. The characters always have to break down so many barriers and call upon so many miracles to achieve it, how could it not be? Just saying. Anyway, my brain hurts, so without much further ado, watch the video below to behold the genius of New Found Glory's "My Heart Will Go On."

New Found Glory Version

Celine Dion Version

"High Hopes" by Panic! at the Disco

This song was released in May and, finally, it's circulating the airwaves in a big way. I woke up this morning with this song stuck in my head. As someone who survives on hope (for the most part), its like this song showed up just in time. The Universe speaking to me through song, like always. More on that later this weekend. We are going to talk a little bit about magic today - specifically, we're going to talk about manifestation. It's tricky magic, but I'm pretty sure I've seen it work. And hope is the fuel, my friends, so let's jump down the rabbit hole.

I've been reading a lot about manifestation lately. Only kind of on purpose, though. I've been on this "following my intuition" kick, which includes jumping in when certain topics keep showing up in random places. Like in book recommendations or on podcasts I listen to. You know....following the signs. Because - pro tip! - the Universe fucking hates it when you don't follow the signs. As I said, from what I've been reading, it's tricky magic. Because you can want something too much, which just fucks everything up. Mama said, "Don't give up....it's a little complicated." It is complicated because you have to fundamentally understand the philosophical concept of non-attachment. When you want something too much, you start attaching expectations to it - how the outcome will look, how it will happen, when it should happen. When things don't go the way we expect them to, we start to get upset and negative and give up on it. Because if it doesn't look the way we want, it's not going to happen - and with that attitude, it won't. If you have a rigid plan for what you want, you close yourself off to the possibilities, which kills the magic.

Based on my research, I've identified some key things for manifestation magic:

1. Be specific - you have to know exactly what you want your end result to be. You can't have a muddled, half-baked idea of what you want to achieve. You can't want "everything" because not everything is going to be possible at the same time. You have to have a vision. And you can't be lukewarm and ambivalent about it, either. If you want something, you have to want it with your whole heart. This is what they're talking about when they mention your True Will.

2. Believe - This is by far the hardest part and where everybody (including myself) usually fucks up. Because to doubt is human. However, for manifestation to work, you have to develop an unshakable faith that what you want is on the way. No matter what obstacles show up along the path, no matter how things look from the outside, you have to know deep in your soul that it can and will happen. Even if your current circumstances make it seem like this deep desire is impossible now, you have to keep believing that things can change. Don't give up. Maybe this sounds like delusion, but the world was built on delusions. That's a limiting idea and I'm over it.

3. Take inspired action - Remember those signs I told you about earlier? Follow them. If something in your gut is telling you take an opportunity or try something new, take the leap of faith. Even if it seems like a detour from what you think will get you to the end goal, it's not - the Universe works in mysterious ways. And I feel like a say it a lot but.....you gotta do the work. You want to be a writer? Write every day, even if it sucks, even if no one reads it. You want to be a dancer? Go to dance class. You want to be a rockstar? You gotta put yourself out there. Everyone wants these big dreams to happen with the least amount of effort but if you don't put in the effort, you don't want it that much. That's just a fact. So if you want something, put in the work. No one is going to do it for you.

So yeah, build a "vision board," visualize, meditate, pray, do spellcraft, or whatever. This helps build and sustain the "believe" part I was talking about. But when you're done with all that, let go of what you're expecting and be ready to accept what shows up along the journey.

Had to have high, high hopes for a living

Shooting for the stars when I couldn't make a killing

Didn't have a dime but I always had a vision

Always had high, high hopes

Had to have high, high hopes for a living

Didn't know how but I always had a feeling

I was gonna be that one in a million

Always had high, high hopes (High, high hopes)

As you can see, the chorus for "High Hopes" follows the above guidelines. Brendon Urie said the lyrics were about the dream he had as a kid and the weird journey he ended up on that ultimately led to his dream coming true. Obviously, it's Panic! at the Disco, so the song is super high energy. A good song to listen to when doubt comes trickling in. Anyway, I know this post was a little rant-y but I hope it was informative.

"High Hopes" Video

"Everything Has Changed" by Taylor Swift (feat. Ed Sheeran)

I know y'all are probably pretty love-song'd out (I am, too, to be quite honest) but it's Taylor Swift's birthday and this one happens to be both my favorite T-Swift song and one of my favorite love songs. I was playing it on repeat last spring and my friend even caught me singing it at work, like a damn fool, because I sing when I'm happy. Yes, she does write happy songs once in a while. It's not all "he's a cheating asshole" and "I'll burn down the fucking world" for Taylor. At least, it wasn't always like that. I have a theory why she is that way, but I won't go into too much detail on that now. Not on her birthday. But, suffice it to say, a man that she loved very much broke her heart. Before that, she was an open-hearted, free-spirited, dream-dazed girl with a guitar and an angel face. Then, someone killed her trust in love and she put iron bars around her heart. Not the best reaction, in my opinion. I feel like shutting down your heart is the quickest way to cut yourself off from the Universe, but I can understand why she did it. It's easier to numb yourself than feel the pain and grow through it. Unfortunately, she'll be 30 next year and the psycho dreamgirl routine won't be cute anymore. But remember that - if a girl seems crazy or insecure or distant, it's probably because someone broke her heart at some point and it's not quite healed.

I love this song because it's so innocent. It's about how love is in the beginning, before the brain gets involved, before you start thinking so much. The video features two kids just....being kids. They don't know if it's love, they just know that there's this person that they like a lot. Call me sentimental, but I adore puppy love. I think it's cute. I remember my first crush. Barely, only bits and pieces. I was in first grade and his name was Jared. He was blonde and green-eyed and I think he liked me, too. And I was so excited when he was in my second grade class, too, and then unbelievably crushed when I moved in the middle of the first semester due to circumstances that my 7-year-old brain couldn't really understand. Spoiler alert: Those circumstances were just as unpleasant as I imagined them to be, but I didn't learn why until I was 21. I'm starting to realize that there's a lot of things in my life that could've turned me into someone like Taylor Swift. But I'm not - I still wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm not one of those girls who mastered guile and I used to hate that, but maybe it's a good thing. I think it's a good thing to be emotionally sensitive and open to possibilities, open to disappointment. That's healthier than shutting yourself off and avoiding scary things like failure and embarrassment. I've tried doing that - it's not for me. I've failed before, I've done incredibly stupid shit, I've been fucking up constantly and consistently since I was a little kid, and - somehow - I think I turned out better for it. But I'm not gonna lie - it does come with a fair amount of anguish, at times. I think that's just normal life, though.

Back to the song, the chorus is "I just wanna know you better" repeated like a zillion times. This really resonated with me, because - as I think I've said before - all I ever really wanted is someone who wants to know everything about me. And I want to know everything about them. I know that's not possible, but still - the desire is there. "Everything Has Changed" is a duet with Ed Sheeran. T-Swift has collaborated with Sheeran like 3 or 4 times. I suppose it's because they have similar styles and they're good friends. My original theory was that T-Swift was in love with Ed Sheeran, but clearly that's not the case. Ed Sheeran recently married a childhood friend, which is the story that runs through his songs. Taylor has a very different story, one that's a little bit sadder. Oh well. She should take comfort that Supergirl is also going through some very real shit in the love department as well, so she's not alone.

Come back and tell me why

I'm feeling like I've missed you all this time

And meet me there tonight

And let me know that it's not all in my mind

I love the video almost as much as the song, because it embodies that innocence I was talking about. It starts with a pretty little girl getting on the bus and sitting down next to her friend. He's reading the Funny Pages (which still is my favorite part of the newspaper) and drinking what appears to be coffee. And she just smiles this smile that says, "I fucking love this little weirdo." The video is these two kids hanging out together, doing typical (and not-so-typical) kid stuff. My other favorite part of the video is when they are talking on the "phone" to each other. In the video, it's clear that the phones are fake and they're just talking to themselves, but their expressions are so animated that you know they believe they're talking to each other. I also like that the kids are different in some ways (he's kind of goofy, she's more serious) but they get along and do things outside of their "wheelhouse" because the other likes doing it. Like reading "The Notebook" or doing yoga or drawing on your face with markers. Kindred spirits. I think it's sweet, but we've already established I'm a sentimental old fool. Enjoy!

"Everything Has Changed" Video

"Natural" by Imagine Dragons

"You're a natural." I can't tell you how many times someone has told me that. I was thinking about that other day - the things I believe I'm good at, someone told me I was good at them and magically, I was. Singing. Acting. Writing. Math. A lot of things. And I wonder sometimes - was I actually naturally good at these things or did someone just say something encouraging and I rose to meet their expectations? Which has got me thinking - Can you believe yourself into being successful at something? Research says......yes! You absolutely can! And I know on some level, people understand this because they encourage their children and other people, but we don't really do this for ourselves. In fact, we do the opposite. We tell ourselves we're not good enough, that we're wasting our time, that other people are better and we couldn't possibly measure up. I'm starting to realize that's just a really convenient excuse not to do the work. That's what it comes down to - you got to do the work. Physically and psychologically, you just got to do it or else nothing happens.

I've been reading a lot of books/articles about writing and writer's processes. Especially for my favorite authors. One of the most recommended books for beginning writers to read is "On Writing" by Steven King. From the very beginning - like when he was a kid - King told himself "this is what I want to do" and it was irrelevant if he sucked, because that's what he wanted to do. At some point, all the "great" artists had a shitty (or not so shitty) day job or some other obstacle that they had to overcome, while simultaneously writing their masterpieces. And - at some point - they all had a period where they felt like they couldn't do it anymore. Like, what's the point? Why am I bothering? During these periods, they might have succumbed to the all too human call of doubt and depression - some of them turned to addiction, lethargy or some other form of self-destruction. But, at some point in this darkness, they make the choice to start again. And that's when the magic happens.

I'm starting to realize I don't really know how things work. Do limitless possibilities really exist? How do we get from one place to another? Can seemingly impossible, immovable things be changed? If so, then how? I don't know. But I want to. Desperately. And, sometimes, I get a glimpse of understanding about what I need to do to make things happen, to change direction. When I look back on my life, it doesn't make any sense how I got here. However, I am starting to really understand one thing about myself. I am water. I make my own path. And god damn right I'm a Natural, at everything and anything I want to be a Natural at.

Will somebody

Let me see the light within the dark trees' shadows and

What's happenin'?

Lookin' through the glass find the wrong within the past knowin'

We are the youth

Cut until it bleeds, inside a world without the peace facing

A bit of the truth, the truth

Side tangent on a somewhat related note - this song reminds me of The Caster Chronicles (i.e., the book series that starts with "Beautiful Creatures"). I liked this book series because it was a paranormal romance but the main POV was the non-magical boy who falls in love with a magical girl. It was interesting, because it's usually the reverse - most paranormal romances have the girl as the main character. Anyway, in the books, Casters (which is what they call Witches in this book universe) usually only have one or two very specific powers. However, Lena Duchannes (the magical girl in question) is what they call a Natural - a Caster with amplified powers who can do pretty much anything with their powers. They don't have limits, except the ones they put on themselves. They are virtually omnipotent, which makes sense because their powers are almost god-like.

I mention this because the video for "Natural" has some occult influences. Or maybe they were just trying to be spooky. It was shot in an antebellum mansion and features mysterious people in either black or white. There's other symbolism - like the three crows, the moon in the background, the light bulb turning on but not fully illuminating anything. During the course of the video, we see a girl (a witch?) go through a sort of initiatory rite of ego death and rebirth - both a personal one (in the bathtub) and a public one (being buried). In a lot of secret societies, there's usually an initiation that mimics death and rebirth. For example, in the Skull & Bones, new recruits are placed in coffins at the start. In other groups, people are locked in a dark room or their heads are covered with black veils so that they can't see. Even in Christianity, baptism is just a simulation of rebirth. This is an important theme to humanity it seems - that you have to die, walk through the Underworld, and be reborn. It's bad enough we have to do that shit every lifetime, now we have to pretend to do it in real life? That shit's exhausting, folks. But it's important - we see a similar ritual in pretty much all cultures, historical and modern. It marks transformation and afterwards, you can't go back to being the same person you were. That person is dead.

I'm exhausted. Obviously, I've been thinking too much. Always thinking. Always in my head. At least it's a pretty fucking interesting place to be - well, I think so anyway. Final thought - this song makes me feel like I could burn down the world and then walk through the fire. Scary as that sounds, it's a good feeling. Video is below. Enjoy!

"Natural" Video

"Oh Lord" by In This Moment

The video for this song is more creepy than the music is, but it fits in with our "demons" theme. I've been pretty exhausted this week, hence not much writing. Between work, housewifing, and mom duties, I'm pretty wiped and I haven't been able to quiet my mind very effectively. Sometimes it's racing thoughts, but mostly, it's this niggling something at the back of my brain that I can't seem to stop thinking about. Demons come in many forms - I know this well. Let's explore.

Today, we think of demons as malevolent spirits, usually originating from Hell or whatever Underworld you believe in, that possess people to do bad(ish) things. But the original Greek daimon/daemon wasn't negative at all. It was a just a spirit or divine power that existed alongside humans. Much like a genius, daimons sometimes attached themselves to specific humans and motivated them to take certain actions. For geniuses, that was often to create; for daimons, it seems to be that they caused people to do things that they were otherwise too afraid to do (geniuses and daimons references often overlap, since the Romans borrowed most of their shit from the Greeks). Kind of like alcohol, but in spirit form. (That was a joke, if you didn't catch it.) Demons are able to be conjured and controlled for the conjurer's purposes. Want to be rich? Call a demon. Want to be beautiful? Demons can totally help with that. Need to be free of your wife/husband? Get Azazel on speed dial. Demons are super useful - everyone should keep a few in their cupboard.

This understanding of demons changed when Christianity became the dominant religion. While pagans understood that these spirits were largely neutral and unconcerned with the affairs of humans, Christians saw the raw natural power as something evil and, thus, could not be of God. In Christianity, demons are corrupt spirits that exist to do Satan's dirty work. Most commonly, demons are thought of as fallen angels, but they could also be the ghosts of evil people or Nephilim, the offspring of angels and humans who wish to have a body again. I find the idea of Nephilim most intriguing. Anne Rice's novel, "Memnoch the Devil" (which profoundly affected my religious beliefs), combined the mythology of the Nephilim with the concept that Satan is still the most honored servant of God, his mission is just seen as evil by us mere mortals. That concept is also the centerpiece of Yazidi beliefs, which is why some Muslims refer to them as "devil-worshippers." But even in the Bible, there's hints that this is, in fact, the case. In the story of Job, God literally makes a bet with Satan that he can't tempt Job to lose his faith in God and gives him permission to make Job's life miserable. Needless to say, God is kind of an asshole.

Oh Lord won't you teach me

Teach me how to see

Oh Lord tell me you love me

Am I Lilith or am I Eve?

Oh God have mercy on me

Oh God have mercy on me

Hold me down under holy water

I fear I been laying with the devil

I been laying with the devil (save my soul)

"Oh Lord" is about Maria Brink's struggle with the evolution of her religious beliefs. Just because of how things were when she was growing up around pagan beliefs - the Great Satanic Panic of the 80s and 90s - she felt very conflicted with her interests in the occult. As a result, she had a lot of guilt and fear for a long time. If you look at her current body of work and the influences that she's incorporated into her music, though, it seems she's gotten over those emotions. Time and wisdom does that for you. It's very common for pagans from Christian backgrounds to feel guilty about being interested in witchcraft and ghosts and such. I struggled with it a lot back when I was trying to be a good Catholic, which I gave up trying to be around the time I turned 18. When I hear people with similar backgrounds on pagan/witch podcasts talk about it, they describe their spiritual evolution as a calling. Like they knew what they believed, they were just afraid of embracing it because of the pressures of their families and society. I kind of feel like that, too, just looking back at my life. You can't force something that doesn't feel natural.

As I said, the video is kind of creepy. Maria Brink is somewhere in Appalachia, in a dilapidated cabin, being beautifully weird. The video is rife with religious symbolism, from the rosary she holds in her hand to the ritual on the hillside. And, honestly, the ritual with the five women and the glowing orbs seems to be the least disturbing part of the video. It could be just projection, but I think Brink intended it to be that way.

"Oh Lord" Video

"Wicked Little Town" by Hedwig and the Angry Inch

I've been thinking a lot, so if you'll indulge Philosophical Jess just one more time, let's go through the dark turns and noise of this wicked little town. I've been digging down the Google clickhole of woo and found myself in all sorts of murky nonsense - divine timing, detachment, Fate. I got stuck on the idea of detaching from the outcome, because that's kind of hard to do. How do you forget that you want something? Oddly enough, I found myself talking to a coworker about this today. She's Buddhist (or very into Buddhist philosophy - I can't tell which and I'm not going to outright ask her) and she was saying that, after practicing it for some time, it just comes naturally. I guess that's the point of all that meditation - to detach yourself from being so invested in one ideal life that you forget to live. I'm trying to take that to heart lately. No matter what happens, I'll be alright, so I just have to keep following the path before me. I've never had much faith but I feel like believing that is the closest thing to Truth I'll ever get.

I chose "Wicked Little Town" for today because that's just the sort of mindspace I get into when I start ruminating on this stuff. I always identified with Hedwig - she went with her heart and it took her on this whirlwind path. It changed her - physically and spiritually - but she was always herself. I think that's the big lesson from "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" - you'll go through hard times, people will come into and out of your life, but the one constant is you. Don't lose yourself.

You think that Luck

Has left you there

But maybe there's nothing

Up in the sky but air

And there's no mystical design

No cosmic lover preassigned

There's nothing you can find

That can not be found

Cos with all the changes

You've been through

It seems the stranger's always you

Alone again in some new

Wicked little town

"Wicked Little Town" is Hedwig's theme song, if you remember my rant on the structure of musicals. There's two versions, both of which are wonderful in their own way. When we're first introduced to "Wicked Little Town," Hedwig is doing a small-time gig at what looks to be a food court. She's performing with her band (comprised of foreign military wives, like herself) and she's telling her audience that it's going to be a big hit (but in kind of a sarcastic way). Towards the end of the song, she starts directing her singing to a boy hiding in the back. This, we later learn, will be the future Tommy Gnosis. Hedwig falls in love with Tommy but he leaves her and steals her songs to become a famous rockstar. The entire film is about Hedwig following the Tommy Gnosis tour to discredit him as a thief. In a way, she was right - "Wicked Little Town" does become a big hit....she's just not the one singing it. The ultimate lesson - be careful what you wish for.

I prefer the Tommy Gnosis version, which is the reprise. Another reminder - the reprise is usually when the main character realizes something about themselves and is empowered again. The realization for Hedwig was that she didn't need Tommy to be whole - she was whole completely on her own. This makes more sense when you hear the big ballad from the musical - "The Origin of Love" - which is brilliant and thus, is being saved for another day. Honestly, this movie is just fucking amazing and everyone needs to see it. Every song - as weird and trippy as the lyrics are - blows my mind every time I hear them. Now that I think of it, I'm really disappointed in myself that I don't own that movie. Excuse me while I go and rectify that situation.

"Wicked Little Town" Film Clip

"Wicked Little Town (Tommy Gnosis Version)"

"The Will of One" by The Protomen

Today's daily card pull was the Eight of Arrows, which stands for Struggle in the Wildwood Tarot. Based on the description (and I'm taking the descriptions very literally, as I am still early in my tarot edu-macation), I gathered that I would have to face some sort of challenge alone. And I did, at least for the first part of the day. I managed because I had to get it done - people were counting on me, so I did what I had to do. I came in early, hit the ground running, and....I'm not sure it made any difference. I hope it did, though. That was the other thing - hope. Don't lose hope. I may be extremely exhausted right now - and thus, my writing may be a bit incoherent - but I'm hopeful that we're going to be okay after this week. Maybe I contributed to that, maybe I didn't, but at least the sun is going to rise tomorrow. Thank my lucky stars!

The Protomen are probably one of the greatest bands Adam (yes...that Adam) has introduced me to. The first Protomen album is a rock opera based on Megaman. The second Protomen album is a rock opera based on the events leading up to Megaman, the rivalry between Light and Wily. They are both fantastic, but the first one was slightly better. "The Will of One" is the big ballad that Megaman sings on the first album. He's walking the streets, thinking about the world he lives in - an obvious dystopia that no one really seems inclined to fix. Protoman tried to save the city and the people stood and watched as he died. A fact that broke Dr. Light, which leads him to tell Megaman that he cannot change the world, that he will not stand by and lose another son to an ungrateful and uncaring Fate. But Megaman just can't stand by. People are starving, Wily's robots are oppressive and violent, death is everywhere. So he makes a choice that he will do whatever he can to save them, even if that means he has to do it alone.

Even here it is not safe

Even this grave has been defaced

Someone has written on this stone

In some angry hand

Hope rides alone.

Hope rides alone.

Hope rides alone.

Hope rides alone. One of the most profound lyrics/phrases I think I've ever heard. It reminds me of Pandora's box. After all of the world's evils and/or blessings (depending on the translation) escaped, only Hope was left when the box was able to be closed again. There are some academic interpretations that hope is just another evil. It "prolongs man's torment" is the argument there and that kind of hope is no use in this world. I do not agree. I think hope keeps us from giving up, from destroying ourselves. It spurs us on to do greater things, like Megaman tried to do. Hope gives us courage to face the darkness. Especially when the darkness has to be faced alone. 

Wow. Philosophical Jess really makes a big showing when I'm tired. Too bad she wasn't around when I was taking Medieval Philosophy...I might've actually gave a shit about that class. Just a quick note about "The Will of One" - this is an amazing song to workout to. It makes me want to take on the world, it makes me want to save the world. Yes, little old me. I could probably do it, though, if this song was on repeat. Additionally, I love this guy's voice. He also sang the Dr. Wily part on the second album. There are very few male (or even female) singers who can a hold a note that high for that long, so he (I think it's Raul Panther but I'm not 100% sure) deserves all the props. 

"The Will of One" Video

"How Soon is Now" by The Smiths (as covered by Love Spit Love)

::WARNING:: This post contains frank discussion about religion, philosophy, and Jesus, in particular. It's gonna get weird. ::END::

I'm a big fan of The Smiths. Yes, even now that Morrissey has proven himself to be an absolute wanker. I read an Amazon review once for "The Queen is Dead" (which is the first vinyl I ever purchased) that said "everyone goes through a Smiths phase...some of us just never leave it." That is definitely true about me. It's why Flaca is my favorite in "Orange is the New Black"...she reminds me of me. A Latina who loves the Smiths and guys in black eyeliner. Not that those are rare - my closest girlfriend is one of these types, which is one of the reasons we're friends - but it's rare to see it on a TV show.

I've started re-watching "Charmed." Partially to get ready for the reboot, partially because I was never fully invested in watching it when it was on TV. I've seen a fair few episodes but it wasn't in order and I don't really know what the story is. Somewhere during the show (I'm not at that point yet), the opening credits song became Love Spit Love's version of "How Soon is Now." Buckle up, because I'm about to get hella philosophical....I don't mean to offend, so please don't be offended.

I've always envisioned that it was Jesus singing this song. Just a disclaimer: I have doubts that Jesus existed as a real, historical person. I can buy that he's an amalgamation of multiple historical people and that the Catholic Church combined them to make their belief system easy to digest. However, let's assume for a minute that he was a real person. I've thought about this a lot and I've come to the conclusion that....he wasn't God who became Man or Man who became God, but just a man who realized he was a god all along. That's why he was so dangerous. I came to this epiphany while reading "Stranger in a Strange Land." In the book, Valentine Michael Smith (the "Martian") interprets the concept of "God" as a verb. "He is god, She is god, Thou art god." That phrase - "Thou Art God" - became my mantra for many years. Still is, some days. 

I know some people are reading this and thinking it's blasphemy, but it's the only thing that ever made sense to me. I remember the homily a visiting priest gave at Easter Mass one year. He said that Jesus came down from "Heaven" to understand what it was like to be human. If that's true, then when he was being crucified, he had a choice - he could've totally burned the world down. Or, he understood that being human is hard - extremely hard - and could forgive us for being really fucked up. Personally, I feel like he made the wrong choice some days. And if he ever came back (if you believe in that stuff, which I don't) he would probably rectify the situation. As you can guess, I wasn't a very good Catholic. That's probably not the point the priest was trying to make at all.

Anyway, to see why I think it's being sung from the perspective of Jesus, look no further than the opening lyrics:

I am the son

And the heir

Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar

I am the son and heir

Of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth

How can you say

I go about things the wrong way

I am human and I need to be loved

Just like everybody else does

It's despondent, like he is not content with his Fate (I am the son and the heir/Of nothing in particular) but then incredulous that people would question how he's going about his life (How can you say I go about things the wrong way?). Finally, he's just frustrated that people treat him like he's different, even though he has needs like everyone else (I am human and I need to be loved/Just like everybody else does). Personally, I buy into the "Jesus Christ, Superstar" version of events, which mirror what can be found in those lost Gospels people are always talking about. Mary Magdalene was his wife/girlfriend/closest confidante and he told Judas to turn him in to the authorities so he can set his plan for ascension in motion because he was fucking tired of waiting for something to happen. Another disclaimer - I haven't read those gospels in full, but I'd like to - because that version of events is more realistic than a 33-year-old virgin taking it on the chin for a bunch of ungrateful zealots because that's what he's supposed to do (which is the Catholic version of events).

In the spirit of research, I looked up the actual meaning of this song. It's about some guy with social anxiety having trouble finding a lover. It's about loneliness, essentially, and the struggle to overcome your faults in order to not be lonely anymore. Yep. Totally missed that. I'll still imagine Jesus singing it, though, because I think he'd understand that struggle. Probably more than most. Including both the Smiths version and the Love Spit Love version.  Just a heads up - The Smiths version is about 2 minutes longer.

Love Spit Love Version

The Smiths Version