In Case You're Wondering...("I'm Doing Fine" by Marino)

 Where has this year gone? Time is weird. It seems like 2025 crawled all the way to the finish line and now 2026 is hurtling us at light speed towards....something. Who knows what. A lot is happening. Work is busy and more draining than usual. Everyone's on edge, including me. I've been fighting cynicism and nihilism, just like the best of 'em. I'm taking a cue from some old friends - the Stoics - and learning how to "love my Fate" through the study of ancient Hellenistic astrology. Yet again allowing the music of the spheres to connect the disjointed phases of my life and trying to find meaning in the chaos without getting too spun up about it. Just working my way through the Wheel of Time. The book series, I mean, not philosophically. There's 14 books in the series so I figure that'll keep my mind busy for a while. And then I'll move on to the Discworld novels or the Stormlight Archive. Probably both. Eventually, both.

If you got inside my head, you'd see

There's no point in going to therapy

'least that's what I tell myself 'cause I don't need

Another purchase added to my monthly fees

Most of my writing has been offline. A lot of journaling, writing exercises, and outlining/world-building. I wanted to talk through my playlist of the year, because this is by far the best year for it. I think I still will, I just need to build up the momentum. I'm in a slump, but not in a slump. Maybe it's more like I'm in a shadow - and the issue isn't that I'm afraid of publicly writing what I think, I just don't think it matters anymore. In a way, that's a more dangerous thought. That's true nihilism. It's not dark and edgy, the things we do are just pointless and don't mean anything to anyone. I suppose that's where existentialism comes in - we create our own meaning for the things we do, we create our own "why." On the best of days, the idea feels empowering to me. On days - or months (or years) - where I'm going through the motions, it feels like it's one more thing to do. 

Am I really fine, or am I just really good at lying?

I don't really know, lately, I've been on autopilot in my mind

Keeps me awake, every single night, I stay up late

I don't know how to sleep whеn I'm overthinking every littlе thing

Going back to the subject of time, I've been ruminating more on its slipperiness. The inconsistency of how our minds perceive it. I work with air-gapped networks and they all run off their own internal time-source. Some are more accurate than others. I don't wear a watch, so I often find myself in situations where I'm relying on computer screens or old-school analogs clocks to check the time. More than once this year, I've seen the time on a clock or a screen, panicked because I thought I was late to my next meeting, only to arrive five minutes early. It's disorienting. More often than not lately, I'm wishing for more time or to slow time down. But, in my experience, the only way to effectively slow time down is to be fully in the moment, like in meditation. Once your mind wanders, time starts flowing again. Only in rare moments have I experienced suspended animation during something I'm enjoying. Even rarer, still, is to experience it in the presence of another person.

Alright, okay, sun keeps coming up each day

See it through my window shades, it's alright

Just passing time, I'll watch it fade, can't do too much anyways

In a small town, hid away, I'm doing fine

I don't remember how I came across this song, only that it's upbeat guitar strumming sucked me in and the lyrics kept me there. It's a relatively short song - not even two minutes - but it encapsulates a bit of what I'm seeing with everyone this year. We're all very compartmentalized. There's this knowledge that something is very wrong but there's a pervasive sense of powerlessness. Jaded is probably the best way to describe it. And everyone - including myself - seems to be so focused on the next thing in front of us. Get a job, go to work, pay that bill, rinse, repeat. So much is happening and yet nothing is happening. I'd say we're all zombies but at least zombies feel hunger. I'm starting to shake myself out of this stupor, though. I want more. So much more. I want more meaning, more action, more passion, more excitement, more joy, more whimsy....more - dare I say it? - Hope. Is this what they meant by it being the Year of the Fire Horse? I feel this collective energy building, like a rocket or a geyser. At any moment, we're all going to blink and land in a whole new reality. The only question is - when?

With that in mind, I'm trying to frame the current doldrums as a period of rest. The calm before the shift. Alright, okay, Sun keeps coming up each day. I'm doing fine. I'm still alive, so I'm doing fine.

"I'm Doing Fine" Video

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I wanted to do a few mentions of things I'm loving right now. To keep myself from listening to news podcasts (which is not at all good for my mental health), I'm listening to more audiobooks. I like biographies, especially when they are read by the author. Recently, I finished listening to "The Vegas Diaries" by Holly Madison. It's quite fun and almost like listening to the "Girls Next Level" podcast. While some of her wording choices felt a bit trite and many of the metaphors predictable, I like her approachable writing style. It feels like she's telling her story to a friend rather than a flat retelling of events that occurred at the time. It's also 2010s nostalgic for me, in a good way.

I also just finished binging "Something Very Bad is Going to Happen" on Netflix. I'm torn between thinking that's a terrible name for a show or if it was a perfect name for what I watched. The show is atmospheric, had beautiful cinematography, amazing pacing, great acting, all the works. Camila Morrone looks fucking gorgeous in like every frame she's in, even when she's covered in blood (sorry, spoilers). It was heavy on the jump scares, which I don't like - but the benefit of watching on Netflix is that you can walk away or hide your face from the screen for a few seconds without the judgement. For me, once I understood where the plot was going, I could kind of predict the end but I think that's more because I was watching from a horror writer's perspective and knew that the story had to end that way (otherwise it doesn't work). Therefore, from my perspective, perfect storytelling, no notes. Because I like spoilers, I tend to read the synopsis/summary of the episodes on Netflix so I know what to expect - for the last episode, it simply says, "Something very bad happens." Very clever, Netflix. Ya got me, I loved it. So yeah - if you love horror (especially the supernatural kind), go watch it. 

"Heartbeats" by The Knife (as covered by Jose Gonzalez)

I downloaded the original version of this song by Swedish electropop duo, The Knife, in a free mix from some music website about 10 years ago. Legally free music was actually quite easy to find back in the day but these mixes were always kind of a crapshoot. I, of course, wanted to like everything I found. But even I have limits (overextended and nebulous as they may be). "Heartbeats" was one of those rare gems I liked from the beginning. Catchy, upbeat but with lyrics that were surprisingly pensive. The original is also a really good running song. Electropop in general is good for cardio. "Heartbeats" has a slow tempo and steady rhythm that is excellent for cool down periods. Also, you gotta love any song that includes liberal use of the marimba. I'm pretty sure it's the law.

One night to be confused

One night to speed up truth

We had a promise made

Four hands and then away

Both under influence

We had divine sense

To know what to say

Mind is a razor blade

The Jose Gonzalez version is a bit of an indie darling and a go-to soundtrack staple for melancholic independent romances and poignant moments in dramatic television shows. Listen for something like it whenever the protagonist is missing his Manic Pixie Dream Girl, because he did or said something stupid. Bonus points if he's using the time to pursue his lost passion as the script beats a crescendo into a dramatic romantic gesture. It's easily one of those songs that has been pushed to the point of overuse in popular media, from commercials to film and TV, and most people don't even realize it. You have definitely heard this song if you've seen the following movies or TV shows:  Scrubs; Bones; The Blacklist; This is Us; Superstore; Donkey Punch; Everything, Everything; and One Tree Hill. There's probably more and there will be more. The sentiment it expresses is universal and this interpretation exemplifies the virtues of the indie acoustic genre. Gentle, honest, and folksy - just how all songs about heartbreak should be....well, when they aren't dark, cryptic, and don't have a totally necessary violin solo. You read that right. Totally necessary. Always.

And you, you knew the hands of the devil

And you, kept us awake with wolfs teeth

Sharing different heartbeats

In one night

To call for hands of above

To lean on

Wouldn't be good enough

For me, no

"Heartbeats" is about a short-lived relationship and it calls to mind a particular indie film. Screened's series "What's the point of a Doomed Romance?" did a lovely video essay on "Lost in Translation." This film goes over the few short days the two characters have to connect before they have to go their separate ways. Both Bob and Charlotte are feeling lost - literally lost and confused in the foreign country (Japan) they find themselves stuck in and metaphorically lost in life. They don't know what they want, they don't know what to do next, and they don't know how to get unstuck. They are reaching out for a lifeline when they find each other and form an emotional bond. When it ends, they both know they will need to get their shit together and make some hard decisions about the direction they want to go. For the span of the film, however, the relationship is a refuge. It relieves them from some of the pain they've been feeling. It makes them feel seen, heard, and understood, for the first time in a long time. And during that reprieve from real life, Bob and Charlotte are able to clearly understand what it is they're missing. "Heartbeats" is about a similar experience - two people jumping full force into a connection. A connection that just flows, where nothing they say to each other is stupid and the two people in it feel alive. And then the weight of uncertainty settles in. Will it go anywhere? Can it go anywhere? Or is it destined to be just this beautiful, fleeting thing? The song captures a moment so rare and magical, people only experience it once, if at all. 

COVID Update:  Feeling a little better. The scary stuff - feeling completely disconnected from my children; feeling helpless and inadequate at doing anything; irrational fears about miscarrying, having a stillbirth, or dying in childbirth; being afraid I was hurting my baby by being utterly incompetent as a mother - seems to have passed. Still struggling with a lot of guilt, especially guilt about not asking for help earlier. I wonder if things would've gone better. I have an aching feeling they would have but I have a bad habit of thinking I can handle things perfectly well on my own, even when I can feel myself drowning. Is it pride? Maybe. But it's probably more about self-preservation. A false belief that if I don't need or want anything from anyone, that makes me a good person. Essentially, as long as I martyr myself, everyone else will be okay, which means that I'll be okay. Nothing and no one can hurt me. To be honest, I think it took so long to decide to get counseling because being depressed this time didn't really feel abnormal. It just felt like what I've been dealing with my whole life and, like with most people, it took a real crisis for me to recognize I can't keep handling this by myself.

Along with normal talk therapy, I've fallen down the rabbit hole of Attachment Theory on YouTube. I learned I have a Disorganized/Fearful Avoidant attachment type, which is a mashup of all the insecure attachment types and is typical for people with abusive/neglectful/traumatic childhoods. I am Harlow's Monkey. I linked a brief video explaining that reference, because I currently have neither the energy nor the patience to explain even the basics of those experiments. The gist is people given conflicting messages about care and love - for example, getting their basic needs met but being treated coldly, without affection or even with clear abuse - grow up with equally conflicted reactions to love and intimacy. They desperately crave it and yet get scared and/or detached when they're receiving it. This leads to hot/cold behavior and a tendency to either be averse to commitment or staying in shallow, unfulfilling (and - in extreme cases - toxic or abusive) relationships for much longer than is healthy. And that's why I got a psychology degree - to psychoanalyze myself...yet I still ended up having to go to therapy. I do find it fascinating. It's interesting to connect the dots and understand how all these psychological theories fit together to create a unique psyche and how coping/defense mechanisms arose to protect it. No less fascinating is diving into the counseling methodologies that have been developed to help rebuild a person when mental crisis hits. As someone who was very into self-help books and personal development from an early age, I think learning how therapy works is equally as helpful as the therapy itself, simply because it's not affordable for everyone to get help from a professional. A lot of people only have YouTube videos to understand what they are going through and what they need to do to get better. People do what they can. I'm so lucky to have options I do.

Sharing both The Knife version and the Jose Gonzalez version, because they are so different from each other. It's always a nice surprise to find a cover of a song done in a disparate style that is able to show a new aspect of the lyrics. Enjoy!

Jose Gonzalez version

The Knife version

"The Frug" by Rilo Kiley

This song has been on my mind lately. When I was younger, I went through a period where I was very into California-based indie music. I listened to a lot of Rooney, Dayplayer, and Sleater-Kinney. And a ton of Rilo Kiley. The kind of music they'd play in Miller's Outpost (when they existed) and Pacific Sunwear. That weirdo trying to Shazam the song playing in the middle of the store - yeah, that's me. I'd try to be subtle about it until I realized no one gives a shit. Rilo Kiley was a particular favorite because they had that special mix of unexpectedly dark lyrics combined with upbeat melodies and wistful vocals. They sort of lost that as they got close to their break-up. I think "More Adventurous" was the peak and then the chemistry dissipated after that. Don't get me wrong - I enjoyed their last album. But it was missing something. 

And I can watch TV

I can shuffle off to Buffalo

I can do a backbend

I will not call you back

Jenny Lewis grew up a child actor and, as she grew older, she got more despondent about life. I think that's common for people who were raised as trophy children - to feel like you're not much deeper than you're accomplishments. "The Frug" centers around the detachment she felt. The lyrics quietly - Look! - I can do all these things but I don't quite feel human most of the time. And sometimes, I don't feel anything at all. But I wish I did. Which is pretty sad, because you have a tendency to not realize that being detached can hurt other people. However, emotional detachment is a defense mechanism. In order not to get hurt, people withdraw or act like they don't care to save themselves from feelings of rejection and abandonment. Ironically, acting detached may actually result in the very results the person is trying to avoid. And it becomes this self-fulfilling cycle. Hence the repetitive nature of the final lyrics of the song. 

And I can hate your girl

I can tell you that she's real pretty

I can take my clothes off

I cannot fall in love

This whole week, my mindset has been very "Go fuck yourself, I'm done." My thoughts have been scattered. And yes, I've felt detached and wanting to disappear. I cannot find a logical reason for it. Yes, the current situation has been frustrating but this last week of teleworking actually went by pretty quick. I was busy every day, so when I closed my laptop for the day, I didn't feel like I had wasted 8 hours. The astrological forecast is not as pleasant. The recent New Moon in Taurus fell in my 12th House - the House of Self-Undoing. And it was conjunct Uranus and square Saturn, currently in my 8th House (House of Death, Sex, and Taxes). All this could explain why I'm feeling particularly reckless. All those placements also happen to be aspecting my Mars placement, and thus exacerbating feelings of anger (among other things) and, with an opposition to Saturn, has me resentful of restrictions and rules. So if I punch somebody, I can just blame it on Uranus squaring my natal Mars. That'll hold up with the cops, right? And Pluto is about to go retrograde tomorrow, also in my 8th House. Particularly with Pluto Retrograde, themes of letting go play heavily. Because you can't transform if you're trying to hold on to something that doesn't serve you. Something that's not working. Of course, charts aren't destiny and you can spin all these placements in a more positive light. I'm just struggling with that right now. 

"The Frug" was featured in a movie called "Desert Blue," which featured performances by Kate Hudson and Christina Ricci, both fairly young at the time. It was an alright movie. I probably wouldn't have watched it if I'd never heard this song. That's probably not the most glowing review but it's an honest one. It came out in 1998 - that will be obvious once you watch the music video.

"The Frug" Video

"Just Another Girl" by The Killers

I started drafting a rant for another song but then the sheer amount of stuff I need to do between today and tomorrow became real for me all of a sudden. I just baked approximately 50 cupcakes that will need to be frosted at some point, my backseat is filled with sticks we spray-painted silver (it's best not to ask), I haven't packed yet for our hotel stay, and when I get to the hotel tomorrow morning, there's 250+ balloons waiting to be blown up. Oh Joy. More Gemini Rising bullshit. My advice - don't do this to yourself. I'm a highly seasoned professional with years of experience volunteering to do labor-intensive nonsense for fun and profit. Just kidding - I've never profited from this stuff, not by any reasonable measure. I should probably remedy that, somehow. Suffice it to say, there won't be a post tomorrow. But Sunday's rant will hopefully be better because I won't be feeling rushed or stressed over party planning shenanigans. For the last month, I've seriously considered putting up the following sign:

I still might put it up - pot luck season isn't over yet.

Step out into the Indian dust

I can feel the cracks in my spirit

They're starting to bust

Drive by your house, nobody's home

I'm trying to tell myself that I'm better off alone

All of my friends say I should move on

She's just another girl, don't let her stick it to your heart so hard

And all of my friends say it wasn't meant to be

And it's a great big world, she's just another girl

YouTube has been pushing the music video for this song a lot lately. Because the algorithm knows my comfort zone....which is apparently early 2010s indie alternative rock. Predictable. But they got me, so clearly it's accurate. I liked it so it's been added to the appropriate playlists and I am sharing it today. It's about the stereotypical words of encouragement people say when your heart's broken that aren't as helpful as they think they are. After only having heard this song like last week, I already have a theory for the video. In the video, there's a pretty blonde girl who is lip-synching the lyrics. I think she was in "Glee" but I'm not sure because I was never into that show (which is weird, because I was all about choir in high school). I'm pretty sure the blonde is supposed to be the girl in question. Essentially, she's pretending to be the lead singer (by wearing his clothes and doing the things he'd normally be doing) because she took a part of him with her. Or maybe it means he doesn't believe she is "just another girl" because he feels she was the mirror image of himself - his metaphorical other half. Or maybe it was just a good reason to put Dianna Agron (I looked her up) in a bunch of awesome outfits. And her hair is amazing in the video - I'm not sure I could pull it off. I think I'd have to get bangs and I'd rather not. Fun fact: Dianna Agron's brother actually is named Jason so the song could be about her (but I suspect it's just a common name he picked to protect the innocent - the names in songs hardly ever point directly to an actual person). And after watching the video a few times, the replication of the looks from other Killers' music videos is made very intentional. Anyway, at the end of the video, Agron just walks away and she's not really part of the final scene. The lead singer is back to being himself, which makes me think that maybe she's not just another girl because she (or rather, the heartbreak she caused) inspired him to channel his intensity into his music. Everyone needs a muse.

"Just Another Girl" Video

"Moderation" by Florence + the Machine

Trying to fit in one more Song du Jour in before September. I was feeling this song today and, truth be told, I hadn't even heard it before today. I'd only seen a short bit of the lyrics from Florence's Instagram but it had struck a chord. As per my sister, seeing Florence in concert was amazing and easily the best concert she's ever been to. I believe her - and I've been to some great concerts. I saw Cher on her first farewell tour! And, of course, seeing Elton John live is transcendent. But Florence Welch has a way of singing the words in my soul that strips me bare. And I've seen the footage from her tour - her performance is like a ritual. She's raising magic as she sings and you can tell every person there is so high with it. So much energy! I love every song she's ever written, because it's always brilliant and heartachingly beautiful. Which is why I can read the lyrics and instantly know that it's going to be one of my favorites. I've decided the next time she comes through Texas (if ever again), I'm going to go, even if I have to go alone.

I've never made it with moderation

No, I've never understood

All the feeling was all or nothing

And I took everything I could

Can't hold it back, I can't take the tension

Oh, I'm trying to be good

Want me to love you in moderation

Well don't you know, I wish I could

"Moderation" is about feeling tired of holding yourself back to make others comfortable. Especially in love. I don't know why but it got me thinking about Scarlett O'Hara in "Gone with the Wind." She spends the majority of the movie chasing after this guy named Ashley Wilkes. Lord only knows why. Sure, Ashley is handsome, wealthy, and a perfect Southern gentleman.....but he's milquetoast. And that's fine - especially since he chooses to marry Melanie Hamilton, who is incredibly kind and very beautiful (she's played by Olivia de Havilland, for chrissakes) but also probably just as boring as he is. And Scarlett, who is ravishing and fiery and hella smart, just can't understand it. Just can't understand what she's doing wrong. Throughout the movie, Ashley struggles with his love and attraction to Scarlett. He understands why he married Melanie - they have more in common and she is a good wife. Not that Scarlett wouldn't have been a good wife - on the contrary, I think she would've loved him more fiercely than he could handle. And that's the thing....some people just can't handle the intensity. There's two ways you can react to that - you make yourself smaller to make others more comfortable or you move on to someone who loves how extra you are. I think you know you know which one I'm more in favor of, but that's because I feel that one of them slowly kills your soul until you're only a shell of who you used to be. Rhett Butler understood that about Scarlett the instant he met her. Scarlett is the definition of extra - incredibly flirtatious, attention-loving, and sensual to a fault. That would've been exhausting to Ashley, who might've always lived his life trying to tame his wild wife. However, Rhett couldn't look away and her vivaciousness made him feel alive. He was content to let her be a star.

And that's my rant on Scarlett O'Hara. My dad says I'm a lot like her, because I get really fiery when I get worked up about things. And I get worked up about so many things. I'm naturally a passionate person but I don't think that comes through, because I survived for so long pretending I was invisible, even though I desperately wanted to be seen. I know from experience that it's soul-killing. Another similarity Scarlett and I have is best summed up in the following quote: "No, I don't think I will kiss you — although you need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how." It's true. I need a lot of physical affection. It helps me come back to neutral and helps me feel safe/secure. Yes, it's a product of my childhood - my sister and I were discussing this last week, because she's the same way. And I know I should be ashamed because that makes me "needy" but - fuck it - that's what I need. If you're the same, the right person will be eager to meet you where you live. They won't force you to "love in moderation."

If you can believe it, I really did mean for this to be just a short song o' the day post. Must've got into the zone. Oh well - Enjoy!

"Moderation" Video

"Extraordinary" by Liz Phair

I went through a very heavy Liz Phair phase when I was in my teens. I think every girl who loves music does at some point, because Liz Phair is absolutely brilliant. "Extraordinary" came off her self-titled album, which came out in 2003. Perfect song for an awkward semi-goth/nerdy girl who felt like she wasn't very pretty and that the boys didn't notice her. Turns out that wasn't true, I'm just not approachable....and I kind of like it that way. Weeds out the weak ones, you know? I'm also a bit oblivious when I'm being hit on. Just remembered that this past weekend along with other things I'd forgotten about myself - I'm not good at small talk and prefer to just jump into the deep stuff; I enjoy being the lone digger and when I stop being self-conscious, I'm a fairly good dancer; I want every single day to be an adventure, even if it just means getting lost in a strange city sipping a latte; and I really, really love my older sister.

You think that I go home at night

Take off my clothes, turn out the lights

But I burn letters that I write

To you, to make you love me

But I drive naked through the park

And run the stop sign in the dark

Stand in the street, yell out my heart

To make, to make you love me

I am extraordinary

If you'd ever get to know me

"Extraordinary" is about rejection and how we shouldn't take it that seriously because - the majority of the time - it's not really about us. Someone I know recently went through a break up and, afterwards, she felt so low. Literally, the kindest, smartest, most beautiful woman I know in my life and someone had the fucking nerve to break up with her. Well, past the initial painful level, I think she realized it wasn't working for her either. He wanted her to morph into a completely different person to satisfy his needs but, in the end, one of two things happens - either she doesn't and he becomes resentful of her or she does and then loses herself in the process (and possibly sacrifices all the things that made her attractive to him in the first place). That's not a happy ending for either of them. I know rejection sucks but if you find yourself changing who you are and sacrificing your needs to please someone ("trying to fit a square peg in a round hole"), that relationship is basically doomed. Even though he sounds like an asshole, I kind of think he did them both a favor. And I know she'll be alright because she's amazing and, to quote her, she "could have any guy she wanted" (as egotistical as that sounds, it's absolutely true - if you knew her, you'd agree).

So I still take the trash out

Does that make me too normal for you?

Another thing I'd like to mention is that it's not a matter of trying harder, sometimes. The aforementioned friend was trying her hardest to meet his needs while maintaining her own identity and independence. And she loves so hard. But it doesn't matter how much you love someone if they can not or choose not to feel it. Some people truly are emotionally unavailable and get scared when they actually feel love because, due to all the previous trauma and rejection in their lives, it feels foreign. It feels overwhelming, like it's too much. It's important to remember that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you if you've been rejected. There's nothing wrong with the other person either. For whatever reason, at that point in time, it just didn't fit. You're not ugly or stupid or bad at sex - something just didn't fit and eventually, someone was going to become self-aware enough to admit it. That's okay. Something else will fit one day and it will be even better than you had imagined.

See me jump through hoops for you

You stand there watching me performing

What exactly do you do?

Have you ever thought it's you that's boring?

Who the hell are you?

Rejection hurts, though. It's one of our core wounds for a reason, so how do we get over it? First, remember that first and foremost, it means you tried. You took that leap of faith and - even though you got burned - at least you took it. You saw something you wanted and you went after it. That makes you brave - a lot braver than most people. Second, remember that you are fucking awesome, because I'm absolutely certain you are. Once you remember you're awesome, go out and continue being awesome. Cry if you need to, but then....Go dancing with your friends, immerse yourself in your obscure hobbies, buy yourself a Diane von Furstenburg dress (on consignment, of course - don't go too crazy!), read all those books you were planning to read anyway, and enjoy your life. You deserve to be happy - one person is not going to change that. You are still just as lovable and amazing as you always were. And you don't need to go chasing after someone who doesn't think you're good enough. Because you are.

Pulled out some of my favorite lyrics from this song - the first verse and the bridge. I love the first verse because it calls out those witchy rituals all girls do, especially when they have a crush. I guarantee you, most of the witches I know discovered witchcraft because they were trying to get a (generally unspectacular) boy to notice them. The bridge is awesome because that's exactly where you want to be in the grieving process after a break up. When you finally remove whoever it is from the pedestal you built up for them in your mind. When you realize you deserve something that works for everyone involved, including you.

"Extraordinary" Video

"Supergirl" by Reamonn

I was looking for a different song named "Supergirl" and I found this instead. The sound fit my mood more so I'm gonna go with it. I've just been feeling like I've been doing a lot and lately, I've been wonder if I really want to do even half of it. Or if I'm just doing things because it's expected, because it's routine. I found myself explaining something to someone and my only thought was, "Is it really this hard?" It might be. I'm not sure if I understand what simple means anymore. Everything is complicated. And I have a bad habit of making things easy for others. However, if I step back and think about what I want, the answer seems too simple. I want to be free. Unfortunately, I don't have that luxury - I've made too many mistakes.

You can tell by the way she walks 

That she's my girl. 

You can tell by the way 

She talks, she rules the world. 

You can see in her eyes 

That no one is her chain

She's my girl, 

My supergirl.

Anyway, the song is about a woman (whom the singer loves) who has never had anyone to rely on except herself. So she does everything herself, handles everything by herself. Her emotions, her vulnerabilities, her insecurities. The singer sees all those ugly things and he still loves her. However, she doesn't believe he can really be that person who she can count on. He can't handle her at her worst....probably because she's never even let him see her at her worst, but I digress. Eventually she starts pushing him away because, due to this wall she built up, she walks away unfulfilled. She's so certain that he's going to abandon her that she burns that bridge before he can. To quote T-Swift, "you gotta leave before you get left." My assumption is the singer wrote this song after the relationship ended.

And then she'd shout 

Down the line 

Tell me she's got no more time 

'Cause she's a supergirl 

And supergirl's don't cry 

And then she'd scream in my face 

Tell me to leave

Leave this place 

'Cause she's a supergirl 

And supergirl's just fly 

Honestly, there's a lot to unpack here - more than I have time to write, but I'll try to do some short notes, since it is interesting (and complicated) psychology. Fear of abandonment is a helluva drug, people. It makes us hold onto toxic things that should have died long ago and push away things that might actually be exactly what we wanted. A few quick signs of abandonment fear include:

• Quickness to attach (even - and maybe especially - to unavailable partners)
• Intense separation anxiety
• Feeling insecure and unworthy of love
• Hypersensitivity to criticism
• Aiming to please
• Difficulty trusting others
• Being nitpicky and hard-to-please

All of the above is interesting because fear of abandonment also manifests as:

• Reluctance to fully commit
• Difficulty achieving emotional intimacy"
• Quickness to move on to ensure you don't get too attached

Ironically, those last three appear when fear of abandonment is triggered the most. This happens when you find someone you really like, that you really click with, i.e., someone whose abandonment would hurt you the worst. Contrariwise, you may end up staying with people who don't care about you or, in some cases, are abusive (most narcissistic relationship dynamics have some element of abandonment fear in them). Mostly because people with a fear of abandonment are more likely to ignore those red flags signalling incompatibility or abusiveness, because they are so eager to not be alone. No Doubt has a great lyric for this in their song, "Magic's In The Makeup": "The ones I loathe are the ones who know me the best." Unfortunately, the methods to deal with this fear can eventually end up driving people away, resulting in the thing you fear the most. You either get really clingy and insecure. Or, you go the opposite way and you get really aloof, as if you don't care at all (but you really do - that's the problem...it's fucking scary as hell).  

Psychologists thinks this fear stems from the development of object permanence. Normally, around age 3, children learn that separation from their parents does not result in their parent not loving them anymore. They develop a mental construct of the parent and eventually understand that the parent still exists and will eventually come back. Thus, fear of abandonment is usually found in children who had parents who weren't around much or were neglectful. The article I read while researching this used the children of a military members who are deployed a lot as their primary example. Fun. But it explains a lot. Anyway, knowing you have a fear of abandonment is the first step to changing behaviors. Especially if your fear is mild, this may be enough to overcome it but some people may need professional help. Regardless of how severe the fear of abandonment is, it's important to build a sense of belonging, not just in romantic relationships, but in your general community as well. For general mental wellness, it's important to build a support network of like-minded individuals (a "tribe," if you will) through working on your hobbies and passions, which will help you build confidence and security. And hopefully, you won't feel like you have to be "Supergirl" all the time.

"Supergirl" Video

"Hand in My Pocket" by Alanis Morissette

I've been feeling stressed out lately. For a myriad of reasons. The house is a mess. Work is unseasonably busy. My current world is chaos and there's so much to do that I find myself at that point where I'm so overwhelmed I literally don't know where to start. When stressed out, it feels like I have no brain cells at all. And worse, no creativity either. Everything I write sounds like shit to me (and, yes, this post does too, so my apologies). But, as I've said, I hear messages in music and Alanis is one of those artists who I always resonated with. "Jagged Little Pill" came out when I was 8 years old. I grew up on this shit so, please, inject it straight into my veins. Morissette was only like 20 years old when the album came out and it ended up winning Album of the Year at the Grammies, the youngest artist to win that award...until Taylor Swift won it 2010.

I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind

I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah

I'm high but I'm grounded, I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed

I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby

What it all comes down to

Is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine

'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket

And the other one is giving a high five

"Hand in My Pocket" is about embracing the contradictions within yourself and your life, and just letting things be. It ain't that serious. Even when it seems like it is. It's one of the more light-hearted, humorous songs on the album, which might be why I've always liked it. Humor - or, at least, the ability to see the humor in dark situations - has always carried me through life. I've also made it a practice to accept that I have always been a bundle of opposing forces. I can't just be one thing, because I feel like I'm everything at the same time. Always. It's infuriating. Sometimes, I wish I could focus enough to be just really great at one thing, but then something else catches my attention. Always the Pathological Generalist. But I find that this also makes me really good at talking with people, because I always know at least a little bit about whatever the other person is interested in (at least enough to be dangerous) to get the conversation started. There's a positive and a negative side to everything. Some days, it's just harder to focus on the positive. That's a skill you have to take time to master, even if you're naturally good at it because, man, sometimes feeling bad feels oh so good. And it's a great excuse. But, I'm trying not to rely on excuses any more, because I know better - when you're a person who genuinely has the ability to regulate their mood well, your emotional state really does become a choice and you start realizing that - most of the time - the thing that's making you unhappy is you.

I bought an oracle deck called "Threads of Fate," which is specifically designed for doing shadow work. To be honest, I prefer oracle decks to tarot cards - I understand the mechanics and symbolism of tarot, I just don't really feel anything unless the artwork deviates greatly from the traditional symbolism (the only tarot deck I really resonate with is The Slutist Tarot, and that artwork is very obviously non-traditional). Oracle cards are different. I feel like oracle cards are more like introspective conversation starters. You're not asking the cards a question, they are asking you. The first card I pulled from the Threads of Fate deck was the Paradox card, which addressed this idea of non-duality. Some people really struggle with this idea and society has a tendency to reinforce duality. If you are successful, that means you can't be lazy. If you're highly intelligent and rational, you can't be emotional and illogical. There's a heavy emphasis on permanence, but ultimately, permanence is an illusion. Everything is temporary, everything is always in a state of flux, including your being. And yet, at your core, you are always you. These aren't competing ideas - it's just how things are. In order to embrace non-dualism, we have to embrace transformation. Embrace change. And embrace how things are in the present moment and not fight to keep things the same as how they were in the past. It sucks, because - due to the way our brains work - the past can seem deceivingly nice and warm and fuzzy. So we cling to it because we think that if we hold onto it, life will be that way again. That's just not how life works. Every moment is different. Even if it seems familiar, there's something unique in each minute and second that can never be regained. It's important to stop and recognize this from time to time. And take note of how you're feeling, too, because that will tell you everything about what direction you need to go.

I'm free but I'm focused, I'm green but I'm wise

I'm hard but I'm friendly, baby

I'm sad but I'm laughing, I'm brave but I'm chicken shit

I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

I hope July ends soon. Honestly, I'm ready for it to be 2020 already, because this year has been both taking forever to get through and yet going way too fast. Another one of those contradictions that makes things feel chaotic. I know it's not, though. There is a plan and a pattern, and it will make sense when it's all said and done. "I open at the close." Just gotta keep meditating and plodding along with faith in my path. And, as Alanis said...Everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine. 

"Hand in My Pocket" Video

"Perfect" by Alanis Morissette

Finally. The end of a rough week personally and an overall rough month writing-wise. Which meant I was racking my brain to find the perfect song for today. I was thinking about how to wrap up this month, and the biggest thing is that its incredibly important to heal the inner child. I didn't get a chance to tackle that much this month, but it has been important to my growth, just to understand why I do some of the crazy things I do. That's part of Cognitive Behavior Therapy - you have to understand why you keep doing a behavior in order to correct it and get to the place where you want to be. To go with this final archetype, The Child (just like every archetype has a shadow side, every archetype can be translated into a younger version of itself), I went back to my childhood and one of my biggest hangups - the need to be perfect. Thankfully, God herself ("Dogma" reference, in case you didn't catch that) already wrote the perfect song for that.

Alanis Morissette's "Jagged Little Pill" is one of the seminal albums of my childhood. There's a reason it's considered one of the best albums of all time - not only does it encapsulate the sound of a decade, the music within is so raw and honest that it speaks to everyone, regardless of gender. Alanis Morissette writes and sings like she's spilling her heart out through the music. Just FYI - her Moon is in Scorpio. I read on Twitter that artists that share your moon sign just hit you differently - I think, in this particular case, that is true. There are two songs on "Jagged Little Pill" that are painful for me to hear - the first is "Mary Jane," which is about teenaged depression, and the other is "Perfect," which speaks to generational trauma. Both would've been good to use today and the entire album is worth a listen if you have time.

I'll live through you

I'll make you what I never was

If you're the best, then maybe so am I

Compared to him compared to her

I'm doing this for your own damn good

You'll make up for what I blew

What's the problem, why are you crying

As I've said before, I feel very lucky to have what I've learned from my childhood. No, my childhood wasn't great - it was lonely, tumultuous, and I had to grow up way faster than anyone should have to. But, if things hadn't happened the way they did, I would never have known why my mom acted the way she did. I wouldn't have learned that this pattern didn't start with her and that she had her own pain to sort out. Or why my dad made the choices he did. That's something a lot of people never get - to understand at an early age that their parents are flawed humans. A lot of times, children have a habit of lionizing their parents, turning them into superheroes or martyrs or some combination thereof. But, when you accept the reality - that your parents have an identity and history completely independent of you - you start to see the patterns. Likewise, parents tend to treat their children like "mini-me's," as a reflection of themselves instead of seeing their child as a separate person who can and will make their own decisions when they're old enough to do so. If you think back clearly, you might notice things they harped on were probably things they were insecure about themselves. For example, if they weren't good in school, they may have pestered you about grades. Or if they were insecure about their appearance, they may have tried to control how you dressed or appeared in public. It is important to remember that their insecurities have nothing to do with you and do not have to become your insecurities.

I noticed troubling patterns when The Husband and I first started dating. I would get upset at little things and start fights, because that's the only way I felt he cared. I'd act really catty and jealous around other girls, when I had no reason to be. I'd use the silent treatment liberally, expecting him to know what was wrong and then getting unreasonably angry when he couldn't figure it out. I was just a generally unpleasant and bad girlfriend. Around my sophomore year, I started going to therapy at my school, which luckily offered free sessions to students (if you're in college and your school offers free mental health assistance, I highly recommend taking advantage of that. Yes, usually you'll be paired with a psychology/counseling grad student but if you need a psychiatrist, there's one or two of those floating around too). During those conversations, we sorted out potential root causes of my problematic behaviors and I learned more healthy coping methods than what I had grown up using (which, as I've said, included not eating when things felt overwhelming). As result, I became a better functioning adult. It didn't heal everything but it was a start. And that's the important thing - you have to be aware when you're slipping back into old, unhealthy patterns. The only way to do that is to continually do the work.

The Inner Child is foundational for shadow work, soul work, light work, magic work - whatever type of work you're trying to do. Not addressing a wounded inner child will act as a block for coming into balance with all the other archetypes. It sucks but there's no way around it, so consider the following:

• What things really trigger you when a loved one does it? When I say trigger, I mean actions that evoke a extremely strong, negative response, to the point where you feel it in your body. You either tense up, become really scared or really angry, you might have trouble breathing or feel light-headed - you'll know it when you feel it. Once you identify those things that make you have that negative reaction, ask yourself why. Hot tip: These are also some of your boundaries - make it known that these actions bother you. If someone truly cares about you, they'll make an effort to stop doing those things. Yes, after sufficient healing, they might not bother you as much but, until you get to that point, the people in your life should respect those boundaries.
• What things are you overly critical with yourself for? Do these things tend to "flaws" that your parents/caregivers were focused on the most?
• What are the things you enjoyed doing as a child? Are they things you avoid doing now?
• Do you find yourself engaging in the same patterns your parents did? Essentially, are you acting like your parents? If you are, is that something you want? If not, are you consciously trying to change your behavior?

Since it is so important, you should know that you can start healing your inner child today and it's super easy. 

1. Start talking to your inner child in a loving supportive way. I know this sounds like hippie dippie bullshit, but psychologists highly recommend it. You don't have to do it out loud - it can be as simple as writing a letter to your younger self. 
2. Do something you loved doing as a child. For example, I really love to play on the swings - in this case, I could go to a park and swinging for a half hour. Or restart collecting Barbies (that's a slippery slope, though - I already have too much stuff). Again, it doesn't have to be anything big. Small steps are okay. 
3. Look at pictures of yourself as a kid. You weren't always an adult - it's okay to remember that. 
4. Start being kind to yourself. Start talking to yourself as you would your inner child. Encourage your own interests, be patient with your process, be curious, and don't be ashamed to be yourself. It's normal for people to stumble and fail - you (hopefully) wouldn't lay into a kid for making mistakes, so don't do it to yourself.

“The most sophisticated people I know - inside they are all children.”  - Jim Henson

"Perfect" Video

"Rivers and Roads" by The Head and the Heart

This is a continuation of my Scorpio rant from the other day, because I forgot some stuff that I wanted to include. As I said, Scorpio's ruler is Pluto, the Roman God of Death. In the tarot deck, all the Major Arcana have astrological correspondences. The Death card corresponds with Scorpio and, just like the sign, it is often misunderstood. Everything comes in cycles. The days, the seasons, the years. Life in general. To be trite and quote Semisonic, "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." This is what the Death card symbolizes. We have to release something to be reborn. It's about transformation. The last full moon was an opportunity to release what is no longer serving you, letting go of what isn't meant for you, in order to fully embrace what's ahead. It's important to remember you're always changing - who you are right now is different from who you were a year ago, a week ago, even a minute ago. In order to move forward, sometimes you have to forgive and forget the past. You have to be willing to let go of who you were, to become who you're meant to be. We remain unfinished until the very end. Only then does the pattern fully appear.

Since we're already talking about moon magic, we're now in a waning cycle up until the next new moon, which is the best time to do shadow work. It's about uncovering the darkness and disappointments, the regrets and fear, and then letting them go in order to move onto the next stage. I picked "Rivers and Roads," because the song is ultimately about accepting and embracing change, even if it hurts a bit. Going back to our archetypes, we'll begin with my old standby, The Hero's Journey, with some tarot knowledge thrown in. Remember, the Hero is always thrown into his journey unsuspecting and - sometimes - unwilling to go forward. Until something gives him just a little push (because everybody needs that little push). He begins as the Fool, starting with a leap of faith into a new beginning. I won't go through all the Major Arcana, but the Hero goes through a few stages that can roughly be translated into the symbolism found in the tarot. He has to confront his own rigid ideas or make a choice to commit to something (The Hierophant); he will have to make choices - and the right choice will always be to follow what his heart (or intuition) is telling him; and eventually, he'll reach a point where he just has to stop and reassess (The Hermit). The Death card is right in the middle of Major Arcana, immediately preceded by The Hanged Man. The Hanged Man symbolizes a need to see something from a different point of view and often, this is what spurs the rebirth of the Hero. It is all leading up to the first major conflict, which always seems like a defeat (The Tower). But usually, that's just a "come to Jesus" moment, which is why The Star follows - trusting in Faith, Hope, and your own inner guidance. This is what will fortify him for the final battle and his ultimate triumph (Judgement). And finally, he can return home and rest until his next adventure begins (The World).

Nothing is as it has been

And I miss your face like Hell

And I guess it's just as well

But I miss your face like Hell

For today, let's talk about how we embrace change. It has a lot to do about how we handle past disappointments and regrets. Do we dwell on them? Do we consciously incorporate the lessons we learn as we go forward? Or do we let them color how we approach life?

• Think about your biggest regret. Why do is it a regret? Is it something you didn't do that you wanted to? Was it a mistake you wish you could take back? Whatever it is, only think about it for a moment....and then forgive yourself. Something that came to me while watching "Avenger's Endgame" was that we can't truly correct mistakes. Sometimes, we can try to put things back the way they were. But they still happened and thus, everything is changed anyway. Dwelling on the past won't un-do it. It just keeps us from enjoying the present.
• How do you approach your day? Negatively? Positively? Neutral? As an experiment, set an intention for a couple of days that you're going to enjoy your day, regardless of what happens. Record how you feel after the experiment is over. Our expectations color how we experience our life - so if you think it's going to be the same shit everyday, that's how it will be.
• Are you actively cultivating change within your own life? Such as trying new things, meeting new people, getting out of your comfort zone for a moment or two. Growth happens during the uncomfortable times - when life just keeps throwing you curve balls. If things have gotten a bit mundane, maybe it's time to force a small change, just to get the ball rolling.

While writing this, I've been contemplating the meaning of this song. It's about how time and distance doesn't always dull the pain associated with losing touch with the people we love in our lives. Some wounds just don't heal. You just get used to living with the dull ache. An example would be like our childhood friends whom we were once so close to have become strangers as life has taken us down different paths. I'm one of those people who wonders how people are doing, even if we haven't talked for years. Even decades. Growing up a military brat, goodbyes were something I feel like I got way too good at. I feel envious of people who can say they're still close with their childhood best friend. I've had many "best friends" over the years, but none of them were permanent, none of them were forever. Forever isn't a real thing, though. Permanence is an illusion, I've learned, so I've grown to accept that things change, relationships change, in spite of what we want. But I still think of them all fondly and hope their lives are going well.

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.” - Paulo Coelho

"Rivers and Roads" Video

"Whatever It Takes" by Imagine Dragons

Beats per Minute: 68
Good for: Interval Training (or any other workout where you're actively pushing yourself)

My days are long. On a typical day, I wake up at 4am to do my Morning Pages, a practice recommended by Julia Cameron in "The Artist's Way" where you basically do a brain dump first thing in the morning by filling 3 pages up with writing. Preferably by hand. Numerous writers and artists credit this practice for breaking through their blocks. If it works, it works, so I do it. Then I go to work for 8 hours. Then I come home and do some housewifing - work out/run/do yoga, cook dinner, a clean a little, hang out with the family to watch something (usually "The Grand Tour" or one of several DC shows). Finally, I put my toddler to bed and head upstairs to write for another hour or two. Sometimes it's this blog, sometimes it's just in my journal, occasionally it's another project I'm working on. If I'm lucky, I make enough progress to feel good about finishing up by 9pm. Most days, though, I'm heading to bed around 10pm. It's rough but I'm not complaining. For months, I have written something every day and that's not nothing. I'm extremely proud of that accomplishment. Even if it means I look a bit tired most days.

I read awhile ago that if you want to be a writer, you need to write. And that stung a bit at the time, because I hadn't been. I would go months without writing a god damn thing, which sucked. It felt like I had given up. It felt like I didn't have any talent, like I was all talk and no action. It felt like I was walking away from a deeply held dream. When that happens, you have to have the courage to look at yourself in the mirror and ask the hard questions. Do you want this enough to endure whatever pain and dejection you might feel in the future? Is this what you really hope to accomplish in your life? Are you prepared to do whatever it takes? Surprisingly, a lot of people decide that - no, I am decidedly not willing or prepared to do any of that stuff. And that's fine. That's a choice we all have to make and as long as you're at peace with it, you're good. I would not have been at peace. And the primary reason why I know that is because of one thing - I look forward to waking up at 4am to write those stupid morning pages. And, even after a hellish day at work, I look forward to opening up a vein and bleeding onto this blog for you fine people to read. And, most days, I'm not even worried that nothing will ever come of it. I've learned to love the work, not the dream. And that is by far one of the most valuable things I've learned during my existence. Because you've got to dig in your heels and do the work. There's no way around it. Trust me - I've tried.

Always had a fear of being typical

Looking at my body feeling miserable

Always hanging on to the visual

I wanna be invisible

Looking at my years like a martyrdom

Everybody needs to be a part of 'em

Never be enough, I'm the prodigal son

I was born to run, I was born for this

I find a lot of understated wisdom on Twitter. Maybe it's the people I follow, maybe it's just because I'm open to seeing it. Who knows? But I wanted to share a few tidbits I like to remember when I'm feeling particularly sorry for myself. One of them I've already shared - Learn to love the work. The others are a little more metaphysical in nature, so I'll explain the philosophy as best I can.

I recently ran across a tweet which posited that "current desires are just memories from the future." I'd heard this before, that we feel that things are "meant for us" because we have them in the future. This concept is essential in manifestation magic, because it removes the anxiety and the feeling of lack when you want something so bad but it's not in your current reality. Anxiety and fear are the absolutely toxic to any and all forms of magic. That's something I learned very early on in my journey as a witch. It keeps you focused on what you lack instead of having faith that, no matter what happens, you're are going to get what you need in life - it just might not look how you expect. If you feed being anxious, then you're naturally going to be more anxious. In theory, believing that what you want is already on the way helps you to let go and allows things to unfold naturally. The saying goes that the best things happen when you're least expecting them. So don't force it because you don't need to. The only thing you should be focusing on is what you need to do next. Like literally. What do you need to do in the present moment to move forward? Cook dinner? Clean your room? Ramble for five pages? Great! Go do that and put your whole mind, body, and soul into it.

The next piece of Twitter wisdom I wanted to share was something I read yesterday morning. Someone tweeted that you shouldn't be afraid of growing old, but be grateful instead, because so many people didn't have that opportunity. They didn't get the opportunity to fret about gray hairs and wrinkles. They didn't experience the frustration of raising a very energetic little boy. They didn't get to be annoyed by their coworkers over small and ultimately meaningless mistakes. And when you look at it that way, it's amazing how many things we have to be grateful for. And gratitude is essential for long term happiness. It's funny - today, someone asked how old I was and I just rounded up. I said, "I'm almost 32." The voice inside my head was screaming "I'm 31 and a half!" like a little kid. That's one of my favorite take-aways from "Stranger from a Strange Land" - this concept that, at 31, I am still "only an egg." I'm still learning, still growing, still have so much to do and see. And my grandmother just turned 95, so I'm pretty confident that I have a fairly long life ahead of me so worrying about growing old is a bit premature. It's a waste of energy. What good does it do? Time is going to march on, regardless of our protests. Might as well embrace it and enjoy the ride.

Hypocritical, egotistical

Don't wanna be the parenthetical, hypothetical

Working onto something that I'm proud of, out of the box

An epoxy to the world and the vision we've lost

I'm an apostrophe

I'm just a symbol to remind you that there's more to see

I'm just a product of the system, a catastrophe

And yet a masterpiece, and yet I'm half-diseased

And when I am deceased

At least I go down to the grave and die happily

Leave the body and my soul to be a part of thee

I do what it takes

Closing out this post, this song is about pushing through and putting in the work to accomplish your dreams, regardless of how much "suffering" you have to go through. As I said, you just have to figure out what to do next. The rest will sort itself out on the way.

So what do I need to do next?

I need to go the fuck to sleep.

"Whatever It Takes" Video

"Starfire" by Caitlyn Smith

In the tarot deck, for a long time, I associated myself with the Queen of Cups - generous, compassionate, nurturing, kind, emotional (sometimes too emotional). But now that I'm starting to identify a little more with the other Queens, I've been thinking lately about which Major Arcana card I resonate with. According to the instructions in the Thoth Tarot book (which is simply adding up your birthday), my card would be #2, The High Priestess. And yes, that fits me in many ways. But do I resonate with it? Yes, but only a little. No, the card I've been drawn to lately is The Star. A symbol of hope and faith, both of which I seem to have in droves these days, regardless of the chaos that is engulfing my life. It also represents a push to follow inner guidance, another thing I've been trying to do lately.

I want to take this opportunity to talk about a few of my favorite fictional female characters who embody traits that I value - Courage, Leadership, Hope, Perseverance, Kindness, Grit, and - most of all - the ability to embrace change and grow through hardship. Y'all know I love Harry Potter, but I will not be talking about Hermione today - I have rants for days about Hermione and I'm sure I'll get to her in due time. But today, the characters I want to focus on have endured the absolute definition of hardship and have become so much stronger as a result. They realized at some point that the only way to get through the shit that they've been through was to trust themselves and their own inner knowing that they can endure.

But you won't burn out this starfire

This feeling is dancin' in my flames

Throw me and I'll just burn brighter

Oh, you can't burn out this starfire

No matter what you say

Julia is my favorite character on "The Magicians." I feel like she gets so much undeserved hate because people view her as the cause of all the crazy shit that happened to the core group from Brakebills University. What those people don't realize is that she's the catalyst - nothing can happen without her. Full disclaimer - I have not watched Season 3 yet and I don't have cable, so I have no idea where the show is now, so my perceptions are based on the first two season. However, according to Eliza, the only way that the characters could survive the beast was to reject Julia from Brakebills. It's not that she's not talented with magic. Quite the contrary - in previous timelines, Julia is shown to be a veritable magical prodigy, way better than anyone in the core group, which is why she had to be rejected. Because she was the only one who would be able to find her way back to the magic, the only one who would seek it out even after her memory was erased. And, when the Old Gods turn off the magic spigot, she's the only one who can make magic happen at the end of Season 2. Having not seen more recent seasons, I posit that it's because she's discovered something that is fundamental to magic - magic is not an end or a means. Magic just exists and it's a part of you, if you know it's there. Julia is the only character with enough hope and faith to go searching - again, after all the bad shit that has happened to her on her journey - when everyone just accepts that things just are the way they are. Lesson 1 - Complacency with the status quo is the enemy of excellence.

Stella Maeve as Julia Wicker

Let's move onto Captain Sara Lance, the White Canary, from "Legends of Tomorrow." Black Canary is my favorite DC hero but I love that the CW introduced Sara Lance as the original Canary, before Laurel took up the mantel on "Arrow." Sara started out as the wild child, the black sheep who could never measure up to her older sister (a role I am very familiar with). Her journey starts with one of her shenanigans - going on a yacht trip to hook up with her older sister's boyfriend, just because she could. She ended up getting much more than she bargained for - after surviving the ship wreck, she ends up stranded on the island with Oliver, fighting against criminals. Then, somehow, she ends up at Nanda Parbat, where she is given the name of Ta-er al-Sahfer (roughly translated as canary in Arabic) and is trained as a member of the League of Assassins. Throughout both the "Arrow" and "Legends of Tomorrow," her story gets crazier and more tragic, to include being raised from the dead, having to allow her sister to stay dead in order to preserve the timeline, and making tough choices in order to save the lives of her team on the Wave Rider. However, when time came to appoint a new Captain for the Wave Rider, Rip Hunter doesn't hesitate to leave Sara in command. Even though she is younger than most of her team mates, the wisdom she has gained from her experience and her dedication to the mission makes her the obvious choice. As one of the few bisexual characters on TV, it should also be noted that her sexuality isn't a main plot point. If anything, they kind of underplay it and her current romance with Time Bureau Director Ava Sharpe is probably one of the sweetest and most normal relationships I've seen on TV in a long time. Lesson #2 - Your checkered past can always be an asset, as long as you walked away having learned from your mistakes.

Caity Lotz as Captain Sara Lance

Finally, let's talk about Vanessa Ives from "Penny Dreadful." My favorite thing about Vanessa Ives is that - in an ensemble that consists of mostly men - not only does she hold her own, she holds a place of respect from all the other characters and commands fierce loyalty, even though she has not asked it of them. On the contrary, she understands that the mission she's asking them to undertake is extremely dangerous and can accept if they can't stomach the darkness they'll be facing. And while often she is portrayed as a bit cold at first, there are many moments throughout the series where she's displays genuine kindness for everyone she meets. She's the only person who meets John Clare (Frankenstein's Monster) and does not pull away in fear. In fact, she befriends him and treats him with respect, as everyone should do upon meeting another soul. When she dies at the end (spoiler alert - I have not finished the series myself but peeked ahead), it is a blow to everyone, because she means so much to them - as their friend, as their leader, and as someone who helped them find their purpose. And she did this while being possessed by a demon and sought by Dracula to become the Mother of Darkness. Lesson #3 - No matter how dark things get, you can transform it into light by reaching within yourself to be kind to others. Taking the time to understand another's story allows you to put things into perspective.

Eva Green as Vanessa Ives

I won't ever be perfection, ever be your golden child

I'm not spinnin' on this planet just for me to make you smile

I love my crooked halo, hell, I won't apologize

You can touch it all you want, but no matter how hard you try

Last week, I was thinking of going back to my old bad habits and doing the same thing I always do when things get hard to handle - limp back to the safety of a familiar situation, accepting that things are just the way they are. The Universe had other plans. It literally made it physically impossible to get back to my old tricks. For my job, I was sent to a literal sanctuary in the middle of flyover country and the message was simple - you need time to focus on yourself and forget about the world a little bit. On top of that, I'm going to put you in a situation where you shine your brightest - where you can be Business Jess, which is just Regular Jess with fewer cuss words and inappropriate stories. Although I'm not in the most exciting of places, I am going to have plenty of time to do things that make me feel great. A lot of solitude to devote to journaling, meditation, working out, a lot of reading, a lot more sleep, and - as if that wasn't enough - the weather is surprisingly nice here, contrary to what I was expecting. And I'm getting some time to have adventures with one of my work bros, one of the few people I know who is as intense about music as I am (he knows a lot more about rap music than I ever will).

Yesterday, I found myself at the same gate I was waiting at about a year ago, in May 2018. But the girl sitting by the window last year is very different from who I am now. Still the same, fundamentally, but about a dozen layers of fear and doubt stripped away. And yet again, this week, I find myself one of the few women in a room full of "important people" (the only WOC, at that) and I feel quite strongly that I - due to my experience, intelligence, and "street cred" - very much belong there. And, at the moment, only one true sentence comes to mind...

This ain't even my final form.

"Starfire" Video

"On Hold" by The Xx

I don't know why, but I'm feeling this song tonight. I had originally picked out another song but I changed my mind. This song is kind of sad because it's about missed opportunities, especially for young love. It speaks to harsh lessons that some people have to learn sooner than others. About accepting the reality of a situation and choosing not to feed it anymore.

In the song - and in the video for the song - you have a girl who is in love with a boy. But she perceives that he's not as interested - either he's flaky or he's chasing after other people or not giving her the attention she wants - whatever it is, he's not showing up and meeting her in the middle, but he still thinks she'll be around whenever he wants her. So, without resentment or anger, she's walking away completely because she deserves better. Now, he regrets it and realizes his mistake. But it's too late, she's not coming back. Not without a major change anyway. And maybe not ever, in spite of whatever Grand Romantic Gesture he's considering. That's a hard lesson to learn. To not take someone for granted, not to treat them like they'll always be there, because that's never the case. Ever. Likewise, it's a hard lesson to learn not to let people take advantage of you - claiming your attention, your thoughts, your energy - when they're not earning it. But I think a lot of people - both men and women - accept it because they're afraid to be alone. Maybe being alone is not so bad, though, especially when someone's treating you like an option instead of the option. In that case, walking away might be the only move you can make. Make it a clean break. And accept that it's the end, because if the other person didn't want it to be the end, they would've tried harder to keep you around.

My young heart

Chanced to believe

We were destined

Young hearts

All need love

Call it a lesson

The stars and the charts and the cards make sense

Only when we want them to

When I lie awake staring in to space

I see a different view

This song came out a few years ago and it's the above verse that caught my attention (of course it would...I'm so predictable when it comes to esoteric references). This is silly but, once upon a time, 19-year-old me thought that The Moviestar (formerly The Muse) and I were meant to be. To be fair, he seemed interested at the time. But that was all in my head and it took me a long time - longer than I'd care to admit - that it was never going to happen. Thinking about it now, I thought he'd be a (fairly large) chapter in my memoir but now I realize he was just a footnote. I'm not even sure I really liked him as a person, just the idea of who he was in my head. Now, when you actually like the person, that makes walking away a lot harder. But if they're not matching your energy, then it's probably for the best, because you deserve someone who is enthusiastic to meet you halfway. It becomes easy for them, because they want to do it. Think of Morticia and Gomez - although she may be more reserved and cool, she still has the same intense passion for Gomez that he has for her. They never fight but that doesn't mean they don't have disagreements - they resolve differences calmly and with understanding of the other's perspective. Although we never see it onscreen, it's always hinted that they have an active sex life. They always make an effort to be their best selves for each other. And finally, they're a team....in everything!

Anyway, to sum up for the young'uns - don't settle just because you're lonely. Don't let people use you. If you want more than someone is willing to give you, walk away because - if you want to - you'll find someone who will give you what you're looking for. And if you happen to be in the reverse situation, don't for one moment think you're entitled to someone's affection or attention. If you're interested, be interested. And don't be surprised if they don't stick around when you're acting lukewarm. And there's your daily dose of Love Advice with Dr. Jess (pretty sure I'm ready for my own radioshow....like Dr. Laura but not really like Dr. Laura cuz I kinda fucking hate her).

Let's talk about the video for a moment, because this is one of those very rare video where I actually like that it's an extremely literal translation of the lyrics. It follows two high schoolers who hooked up at a party, she thought it was going somewhere but then he ghosted her or something and now, she's done. In fact, the girl after the whole debacle seems a lot colder, a lot less loving. And that's the risk - when this sort of thing happens to people, it makes them a lot less trusting, a lot more afraid to be vulnerable, which is essential when you want to find love. They've lost their ability to love...and some people never get that back. Trust me. I have a psychology degree.

"On Hold" Lyrics