"Hand in My Pocket" by Alanis Morissette

I've been feeling stressed out lately. For a myriad of reasons. The house is a mess. Work is unseasonably busy. My current world is chaos and there's so much to do that I find myself at that point where I'm so overwhelmed I literally don't know where to start. When stressed out, it feels like I have no brain cells at all. And worse, no creativity either. Everything I write sounds like shit to me (and, yes, this post does too, so my apologies). But, as I've said, I hear messages in music and Alanis is one of those artists who I always resonated with. "Jagged Little Pill" came out when I was 8 years old. I grew up on this shit so, please, inject it straight into my veins. Morissette was only like 20 years old when the album came out and it ended up winning Album of the Year at the Grammies, the youngest artist to win that award...until Taylor Swift won it 2010.

I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind

I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah

I'm high but I'm grounded, I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed

I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby

What it all comes down to

Is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine

'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket

And the other one is giving a high five

"Hand in My Pocket" is about embracing the contradictions within yourself and your life, and just letting things be. It ain't that serious. Even when it seems like it is. It's one of the more light-hearted, humorous songs on the album, which might be why I've always liked it. Humor - or, at least, the ability to see the humor in dark situations - has always carried me through life. I've also made it a practice to accept that I have always been a bundle of opposing forces. I can't just be one thing, because I feel like I'm everything at the same time. Always. It's infuriating. Sometimes, I wish I could focus enough to be just really great at one thing, but then something else catches my attention. Always the Pathological Generalist. But I find that this also makes me really good at talking with people, because I always know at least a little bit about whatever the other person is interested in (at least enough to be dangerous) to get the conversation started. There's a positive and a negative side to everything. Some days, it's just harder to focus on the positive. That's a skill you have to take time to master, even if you're naturally good at it because, man, sometimes feeling bad feels oh so good. And it's a great excuse. But, I'm trying not to rely on excuses any more, because I know better - when you're a person who genuinely has the ability to regulate their mood well, your emotional state really does become a choice and you start realizing that - most of the time - the thing that's making you unhappy is you.

I bought an oracle deck called "Threads of Fate," which is specifically designed for doing shadow work. To be honest, I prefer oracle decks to tarot cards - I understand the mechanics and symbolism of tarot, I just don't really feel anything unless the artwork deviates greatly from the traditional symbolism (the only tarot deck I really resonate with is The Slutist Tarot, and that artwork is very obviously non-traditional). Oracle cards are different. I feel like oracle cards are more like introspective conversation starters. You're not asking the cards a question, they are asking you. The first card I pulled from the Threads of Fate deck was the Paradox card, which addressed this idea of non-duality. Some people really struggle with this idea and society has a tendency to reinforce duality. If you are successful, that means you can't be lazy. If you're highly intelligent and rational, you can't be emotional and illogical. There's a heavy emphasis on permanence, but ultimately, permanence is an illusion. Everything is temporary, everything is always in a state of flux, including your being. And yet, at your core, you are always you. These aren't competing ideas - it's just how things are. In order to embrace non-dualism, we have to embrace transformation. Embrace change. And embrace how things are in the present moment and not fight to keep things the same as how they were in the past. It sucks, because - due to the way our brains work - the past can seem deceivingly nice and warm and fuzzy. So we cling to it because we think that if we hold onto it, life will be that way again. That's just not how life works. Every moment is different. Even if it seems familiar, there's something unique in each minute and second that can never be regained. It's important to stop and recognize this from time to time. And take note of how you're feeling, too, because that will tell you everything about what direction you need to go.

I'm free but I'm focused, I'm green but I'm wise

I'm hard but I'm friendly, baby

I'm sad but I'm laughing, I'm brave but I'm chicken shit

I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

I hope July ends soon. Honestly, I'm ready for it to be 2020 already, because this year has been both taking forever to get through and yet going way too fast. Another one of those contradictions that makes things feel chaotic. I know it's not, though. There is a plan and a pattern, and it will make sense when it's all said and done. "I open at the close." Just gotta keep meditating and plodding along with faith in my path. And, as Alanis said...Everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine. 

"Hand in My Pocket" Video

"Perfect" by Alanis Morissette

Finally. The end of a rough week personally and an overall rough month writing-wise. Which meant I was racking my brain to find the perfect song for today. I was thinking about how to wrap up this month, and the biggest thing is that its incredibly important to heal the inner child. I didn't get a chance to tackle that much this month, but it has been important to my growth, just to understand why I do some of the crazy things I do. That's part of Cognitive Behavior Therapy - you have to understand why you keep doing a behavior in order to correct it and get to the place where you want to be. To go with this final archetype, The Child (just like every archetype has a shadow side, every archetype can be translated into a younger version of itself), I went back to my childhood and one of my biggest hangups - the need to be perfect. Thankfully, God herself ("Dogma" reference, in case you didn't catch that) already wrote the perfect song for that.

Alanis Morissette's "Jagged Little Pill" is one of the seminal albums of my childhood. There's a reason it's considered one of the best albums of all time - not only does it encapsulate the sound of a decade, the music within is so raw and honest that it speaks to everyone, regardless of gender. Alanis Morissette writes and sings like she's spilling her heart out through the music. Just FYI - her Moon is in Scorpio. I read on Twitter that artists that share your moon sign just hit you differently - I think, in this particular case, that is true. There are two songs on "Jagged Little Pill" that are painful for me to hear - the first is "Mary Jane," which is about teenaged depression, and the other is "Perfect," which speaks to generational trauma. Both would've been good to use today and the entire album is worth a listen if you have time.

I'll live through you

I'll make you what I never was

If you're the best, then maybe so am I

Compared to him compared to her

I'm doing this for your own damn good

You'll make up for what I blew

What's the problem, why are you crying

As I've said before, I feel very lucky to have what I've learned from my childhood. No, my childhood wasn't great - it was lonely, tumultuous, and I had to grow up way faster than anyone should have to. But, if things hadn't happened the way they did, I would never have known why my mom acted the way she did. I wouldn't have learned that this pattern didn't start with her and that she had her own pain to sort out. Or why my dad made the choices he did. That's something a lot of people never get - to understand at an early age that their parents are flawed humans. A lot of times, children have a habit of lionizing their parents, turning them into superheroes or martyrs or some combination thereof. But, when you accept the reality - that your parents have an identity and history completely independent of you - you start to see the patterns. Likewise, parents tend to treat their children like "mini-me's," as a reflection of themselves instead of seeing their child as a separate person who can and will make their own decisions when they're old enough to do so. If you think back clearly, you might notice things they harped on were probably things they were insecure about themselves. For example, if they weren't good in school, they may have pestered you about grades. Or if they were insecure about their appearance, they may have tried to control how you dressed or appeared in public. It is important to remember that their insecurities have nothing to do with you and do not have to become your insecurities.

I noticed troubling patterns when The Husband and I first started dating. I would get upset at little things and start fights, because that's the only way I felt he cared. I'd act really catty and jealous around other girls, when I had no reason to be. I'd use the silent treatment liberally, expecting him to know what was wrong and then getting unreasonably angry when he couldn't figure it out. I was just a generally unpleasant and bad girlfriend. Around my sophomore year, I started going to therapy at my school, which luckily offered free sessions to students (if you're in college and your school offers free mental health assistance, I highly recommend taking advantage of that. Yes, usually you'll be paired with a psychology/counseling grad student but if you need a psychiatrist, there's one or two of those floating around too). During those conversations, we sorted out potential root causes of my problematic behaviors and I learned more healthy coping methods than what I had grown up using (which, as I've said, included not eating when things felt overwhelming). As result, I became a better functioning adult. It didn't heal everything but it was a start. And that's the important thing - you have to be aware when you're slipping back into old, unhealthy patterns. The only way to do that is to continually do the work.

The Inner Child is foundational for shadow work, soul work, light work, magic work - whatever type of work you're trying to do. Not addressing a wounded inner child will act as a block for coming into balance with all the other archetypes. It sucks but there's no way around it, so consider the following:

• What things really trigger you when a loved one does it? When I say trigger, I mean actions that evoke a extremely strong, negative response, to the point where you feel it in your body. You either tense up, become really scared or really angry, you might have trouble breathing or feel light-headed - you'll know it when you feel it. Once you identify those things that make you have that negative reaction, ask yourself why. Hot tip: These are also some of your boundaries - make it known that these actions bother you. If someone truly cares about you, they'll make an effort to stop doing those things. Yes, after sufficient healing, they might not bother you as much but, until you get to that point, the people in your life should respect those boundaries.
• What things are you overly critical with yourself for? Do these things tend to "flaws" that your parents/caregivers were focused on the most?
• What are the things you enjoyed doing as a child? Are they things you avoid doing now?
• Do you find yourself engaging in the same patterns your parents did? Essentially, are you acting like your parents? If you are, is that something you want? If not, are you consciously trying to change your behavior?

Since it is so important, you should know that you can start healing your inner child today and it's super easy. 

1. Start talking to your inner child in a loving supportive way. I know this sounds like hippie dippie bullshit, but psychologists highly recommend it. You don't have to do it out loud - it can be as simple as writing a letter to your younger self. 
2. Do something you loved doing as a child. For example, I really love to play on the swings - in this case, I could go to a park and swinging for a half hour. Or restart collecting Barbies (that's a slippery slope, though - I already have too much stuff). Again, it doesn't have to be anything big. Small steps are okay. 
3. Look at pictures of yourself as a kid. You weren't always an adult - it's okay to remember that. 
4. Start being kind to yourself. Start talking to yourself as you would your inner child. Encourage your own interests, be patient with your process, be curious, and don't be ashamed to be yourself. It's normal for people to stumble and fail - you (hopefully) wouldn't lay into a kid for making mistakes, so don't do it to yourself.

“The most sophisticated people I know - inside they are all children.”  - Jim Henson

"Perfect" Video