"The Beginning is the End is the Beginning" by The Smashing Pumpkins

Sometime today, we are going to experience the Grand Conjunction, a celestial event where Saturn and Jupiter are the closest in the sky that we here on Earth will ever see them. It is a rare alignment, the last one happening about 800 years ago. Let's be clear - a Jupiter-Saturn conjunction happens about every 20 years. What's rare is we have the opportunity to witness it. This year, it occurs at 0° Aquarius. After the pile-up in Capricorn, which culminated in 2020, it should be a breath of fresh air.....if we've learned what we needed to during our time in Capricorn. Let's dive into the astrology, as this particular Grand Conjunction has been much heralded.

Capricorn and Aquarius share the ancient ruler, Saturn. In astrology, Saturn represents rules, structure, limitations, and time. Saturn's meaning is deeply associated with Karma, Fate, and Destiny. One's Saturn return is said to be a time of reckoning - all your choices, good and bad, play out in your life during this three year period. Depending on the trajectory of your life, you may find your purpose and choose to head in an entirely different direction. Alternatively, some people choose to become more entrenched in their patterns. If your patterns are healthy and "good" (a loaded and subjective term), this can be a wonderful time. However, if you have found yourself in a toxic loop and yet choose to keep making those same choices, it's only a matter of time before it catches up with you. That is both the beauty and the bane of Saturn's power. Now, imagine that happening on a scale where it impacts all humanity.

There's a lot to unpack here, as there was a lot to unpack while Saturn was in Capricorn. Capricorn is invested in the Past, is strong in conventional ways, and holds fast to hierarchical ideas of status and power. Capricorn believes in rules and order. Aquarius, on the other hand, understands that some rules need to broken because they are wrong on a fundamental level. Aquarius is invested in the Future, believes in the cumulative power of all, and is at it's core a staunch egalitarian. Aquarius knows the strength of civilization is the ability to put individual uniqueness towards collective ideals and goals. In the same way Jupiter conjunct Saturn in Capricorn called attention to our personal relationship with authority and the status quo, the Saturn-Jupiter conjunction in Aquarius will highlight how our personal choices affect the overall progress of society. Are the choices we make really for the good of all or just the good of ourselves? And, to quote a question a friend asked me in a dream - how can we do good if we don't even know what "good" is? It is this philosophical struggle that we're faced with as both Saturn and Jupiter move into Aquarius, the unofficial start of the Age of Aquarius.

Send a heartbeat to

The void that cries through you

Relive the pictures that have come to pass

For now we stand alone

The world is lost and blown

And we are flesh and blood disintegrate

With no more to hate

If you take away anything from my rants on astrology, it's that life and time move in cycles and spirals. The patterns of one sign are mirrored and reflected by the patterns of the next. It flows with almost musical precision and once you understand it, it's hard not to predict what comes next because it seems so obvious. The beginning of this major pile-up in Aquarius reaches humanity at a time when the Future is in very real danger. The looming climate crisis has not gotten better, nationalism is gaining a foothold in formerly democratic countries, society is divided almost straight down the middle as to how everyone should live, and the power structures of civilization are on shaky foundations. I think, intellectually, we all know this....but it's the other guy who has to change! Our way of thinking is just fine, it is they who are wrong! This "I'm right, you're wrong" nonsense is a Capricorn thought-process. Capricorn is the boss - He makes the rules and if you don't like it - Tough! Life isn't fair, there are winners and losers, yada yada yada. Not for Aquarius, though. Aquarius knows that, if we are to survive this mess we made, we have to work together and find a solution that satisfies everyone. We have to consider all ideas, even if it's just to ensure the flaws in logic really are flaws. We have to think outside the box (which was never old Capricorn's strong suit) and get creative. Heck, we might even have to get a little weird (which Aquarius likes best of all).

Delivered from the blast

The last of a line of lasts

The pale princess of a palace cracked

And now the kingdom comes

Crashing down undone

And I am a master of a nothing place

Of recoil and grace

Also of note, Uranus - the modern ruler of Aquarius - will be in loose squares to Jupiter and Saturn for the next few years. Uranus is the planet of Change and it's in Taurus, a sign that values stability. Those squares are going to tear shit up. And when Pluto joins the party in 2023 - ooh, child! - it's gonna get real. Real and messy. I'm talking major institutional change on a global scale. Uranus is going to shake up all the Bigs - Government, Academia, Science, Entertainment. You name it, put a Big in front of it, and it's probably going to be experiencing major shifts. On a personal level, this shift may change how we view relationships, careers, finances, home - everything and anything. It's dependent on where these planets and signs show up in your chart. And, just like with a Saturn Return, how deeply you're impacted can be predicted with how well you roll with the punches. If you allow yourself to be open and flexible, you'll be fine. Rigidity and stubbornness, however, will only drag you down farther.

Is it bright where you are

Have the people changed

Does it make you happy you're so strange

And in your darkest hour

I hold secrets flame

We can watch the world devoured in it's pain

I chose this song because it has a darkly hopeful vibe. This is very much an Aquarius thing - they have a tendency to be the ultimate embodiment of "cheerleader goth." You kind of have to hear it to understand what I mean. Yes, the bass is quite heavy, as are the lyrics, but every so often, there's a lilt to the violin and piano parts that lifts up the whole tenor of the song. Sure, we're going to watch the world burn but - hey! - at least we're doing it together. And isn't that what the holiday season is all about?

"The Beginning is the End is the Beginning" Video

"Glycerine" by Bush

Continuing on our melancholic mystery tour (see what I did there?), we're going to examine a staple of sad 90s alternative ballads. Long story short - it's a metaphor. Gavin Rossdale wrote "Glycerine" for long-time girlfriend, model Jasmine Lewis. They were together for five years but ended it in the mid-90s. To hear him tell it, it was a good relationship but it became strained when Bush started to gain notoriety and Rossdale was on the road a lot. The long-distance wasn't working and they decided to go their separate ways. Rossdale has been straightforward about what the lyrics mean - Love is like a bomb. Glycerine, in most situations, is a fairly nonvolatile and useful substance. However, when combined with the right ingredients, it is explosive. That's the metaphor. Something that is safe and stable can, under certain circumstances, blow up in your face. Which is why you have to be careful. 

Must be your skin that I'm sinking in

Must be for real 'cause now I can feel

And I didn't mind

It's not my kind

It's not my time to wonder why

Everything's gone white

And everything's grey

Now you're here now you're away

I don't want this

Remember that

I'll never forget where you're at

The lyrics comprise a sort of postmortem of Rossdale's breakup with Lewis. He clearly didn't want it to end and it sounds as if he's telling trying to tell her what he was feeling. The long-distance was hard for him, too. I think when a good relationship completely breaks down, it is because something very important wasn't communicated. Usually feelings. One person feels taken for granted but acts like everything is fine. Another person doesn't want to show how invested they are, so they "play it cool" and act distant. The road to heartbreak is paved with words unsaid. Without communication, people fill in the silence with their own narrative, which is usually (but not always) completely wrong and reflects the worst of their insecurities/fears. 

I needed you more

You wanted us less

I could not kiss just regress

It might just be

Clear simple and plain

That's just fine

That's just one of my names

Don't let the days go by

Could've been easier on you, you, you

I had a long pop culture rant but it sounded ridiculous and unrelated, so I deleted it. Everything I think sounds ridiculous and unrelated (and delusional, at times) lately. I try to keep most of the crazy confined to my journal so I can save some of the actually smart/thoughtful stuff for here. I'm not sure I have any of that stuff left, to be honest. To quote Nick Miller from "New Girl," my brain feels like spaghetti. The dialogue on that show is truly ace.

The video for "Glycerine" evokes the idea, for me, of memories. Of course, you have Gavin Rossdale playing guitar and looking tortured. That's all good. But then you have these less focused shots of a woman in a bare apartment interspersed with the musical scenes. I love the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." In it, two people, Joel and Clementine, erase their relationship with each other from their memory using new technology. In the film, the audience sees the memories from Joel's perspective as their being erased. At some point, Joel realizes he doesn't really want to forget. I find myself replaying certain memories and I don't know why because it hurts intensely. I just realized today that I'm replaying them so I don't lose them. And that's probably why they are so clear.

Also, it fucking pisses me off that this song uses the British spelling. Just thought I'd throw that out there, just in case anyone else felt the same. You're not alone.

"Glycerine" Music Video

"Hand Me Down" by Matchbox 20

 I fell into a Matchbox 20 hole recently which, in my book, is a pretty good hole to fall in. I'm just now realizing how much my tastes at 15-years-old were those of a 30-year-old man. Makes sense, because that's the only demographic that seemed to really matter to music execs during that time, before they realized how much money teenaged girls actually have to spend. Cue the rise (and subsequent market domination) of pop music, Taylor Swift, and every Disney Channel/Nickelodeon starlet churning out an album. Matchbox 20's 2002 album, "More Than You Think You Are," was on constant repeat in my Walkman. I listened to this album so much that my favorite songs were all scratched up and skipped horribly by the time I made the transition to an mp3 player. As I was listening to the album again, I was reminded how brilliant the songs on this album were, how vulnerable the lyrics Rob Thomas and other band members were writing during this time. Released at the height of their popularity, it's an underrated album - it wasn't as successful as their previous albums and was probably the start of their gradual decent into late 90s/early 00s playlists. But it meant something to me.

Someday they'll find your small town world on a big town avenue

Gonna make you like the way they talk when they're talking to you

Gonna make you break out of your shell cause they tell you to

Gonna make you like the way they lie better than the truth

They'll tell you everything you wanted someone else to say

They're gonna break your heart, yeah

I'm in the process of reading several psychology books and watching a lot of therapy-related YouTube videos - a process commonly called "self-healing," which has become popular in spiritual communities. For good reason, of course. A lot of what holds us back is based in the pain we hold on to. The false beliefs we still don't realize are defense mechanisms and excuses for not moving forward. And dedication to protecting our core wounds rather than facing them head on to really examine where they come from. Because it hurts. I know it hurts. I'm reading this book called "Inner Bonding" by Dr. Margaret Paul. Inner Bonding is a therapy methodology she developed for her patients to work with their Inner Child. It's very closely related to the idea of reparenting, in which you become the parent you wish you had when you were actually a child. Some may write it off as hippie nonsense, but most of the work is cultivating self-compassion, self-validation, learning how to meet your own emotional needs, and listening to your inner voice. Something people with healthy levels of self-esteem and who recognize their self-worth already know how to do. Spoiler alert: There's actually not very many of those people. There's a lot of reasons for that, many of which are rooted in our culture, societal expectations, and ancestral trauma, but that's a rant for another day.

Somebody ought to take you in

Try to make you love again

Try to make you like the way they feel

When they're under your skin

Never once did think they'd lie when they're holding you

You wonder why they haven't called

When they said they'd call you

You start to wonder if you're ever gonna make it by

You'll start to think you were born blind

After reading all this stuff and going through my own journey, I've found I don't really have sustained negative feelings towards others. Even people who have hurt me - I may have a flash of anger in the moment but I calm down quick, especially if I have a minute to myself. I'm able to remember who I want to be, remember that I'm interconnected with this other person, and I don't know what their struggle has been like. We only see the situation from our perspective, through our lens of hurt. The weird thing about Inner Child work is the more you focus on your own Child, you start to see other people as a reflection of their Inner Child, and it becomes easier to be a more compassionate adult. There's a common saying in the counseling community: "Hurt people hurt people." While it's often said as a warning about getting involved with others, it's also a reminder to address your own wounds first, so you don't unintentionally hurt others. It stops you from saying that clever-yet-hurtful zinger during drinks with coworker or raising your voice in anger when your child disobeys you or crossing someone's boundaries because it felt like rejection to you. Things we often do without thinking, because we're on autopilot. Mindfulness and therapy get you off autopilot and the world is a better place for it. And yes, that's a hill I'm willing to die on.

Some day they'll open up your world
Shake it down on a drawing board
Do their best to change you
They still can't erase you

This song could be imagined from the point of view of an old boyfriend singing to a girl who has gone off to find her place in the world. I, however, have always thought of it as being sung to the girl by someone she's imagining, like an imaginary friend or perhaps her Inner Adult. I was sparked by something Dr. Paul said in her book. When we are weeping and in distress, we often long for someone to comfort us - the Ideal Partner or Perfect Parent - and are often disappointed when the person cast in that role either doesn't show up in the desired way or doesn't show up at all. She goes on to say we have to be that comfort for ourselves - we have to be willing to show up for ourselves, to say "I'm here and I won't leave you in your time of need."

So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

I like to think I'm really easy to calm down when I'm upset. All I want, all I'm looking for, is for someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay. It seems simple, until you have to cross the ocean of human complexity. Most people aren't equipped to understand that - they are too lost in their own trauma and act in ways they don't fully understand. Often, they react out of fear - fear of rejection, fear of intimacy, fear of failure. That's when the inner bonding process helps. You have to be the person who validates your experiences, who tries to soothe your pain. The person who affirms you didn't deserve to be screamed at or hit for making a small mistake; you didn't deserve to be ignored and neglected; that you have a right to your feelings and thoughts, no matter how uncomfortable it might make others. I like to read the comments on the videos I watch while I listen to whatever I'm learning. Lately, it's just hard because when people share their stories, my heart goes out to them. I'm sorry someone is treating you/treated you so horribly. I'm sorry that person is your parent, your spouse, your sibling, or your friend. You deserve to be surrounded by people who are loving and compassionate all the time, not when it's convenient for them. I can't tell that to everyone, but based what I'm understanding from Dr. Paul's work, I can start with myself and work outward from there.

I didn't understand it at the time but "Hand Me Down" was what I played when I needed to feel comforted. When I was feeling particularly isolated and sad, like when I found myself hiding in a closet. I don't think I pictured anyone in particular singing it to me, it was just the lyrics. It sounded like the girl Rob Thomas was singing to wanted to be an actress and, at 15-years-old, I very much related to that. I don't want to be an actress anymore - I loved it at the time and I learned so many lessons from it, but I realized pretty quickly that, even though I had the talent, I didn't have the level of passion needed to make it. And that's what you really need to pull through when you're feeling rejected and not good enough. You have to have a passion for your own dreams, your own vision of your life. And when even that's not working, there's songs like this to get you through those rough nights. I hope someone out there finds comfort in it. 

"Hand Me Down" Video

"Hands Down" by Dashboard Confessional

For me, Dashboard Confessional is one of those bands whose songs all sound the same to me. This can be a good thing, if you like the music the band makes and you don't have a high requirement for novelty and variety (I do). "Hands Down," which was released officially in 2003, is probably their biggest hit and the song that got them played on mainstream radio. Most people probably can't even name another song by them. The name Dashboard Confessional brings to mind long conversations in cars with boys - and it's supposed to. Chris Carrabba grew up in Boca Raton and a lot of their music is about being a "townie" in a city that exists only because it has a beautiful beach and comes to life in the summer only to die every year when the pretty rich girls go home. Roughly around Labor Day weekend, so good timing. In his own words, Carrabba "fell in love" every summer, sometimes a half dozen times or more. Sounds like his teenage years were a lot more fun than mine.

Breathe in for luck,

Breathe in so deep,

This air is blessed,

You share with me.

This night is wild,

So calm and dull,

These hearts they race,

From self control.

Your legs are smooth,

As they graze mine,

We're doing fine,

We're doing nothing at all.

Dashboard Confessional, to me, falls into a category that I like to call "Angsty Chad" Rock - it's populated by bands like the All-American Rejects, Jimmy Eat World, Secondhand Serenade, and The Spill Canvas. Not dark enough to truly be called Emo, but not hardcore enough to be Punk (or what the 90s considered punk, at least), but also not serious enough to be Alternative Rock. It certainly flirts with that line, though. All the music sounds like it was made for a High School Movie soundtrack but it's not interesting enough to be Barenaked Ladies but also not boring enough to be Dave Matthew's Band. That's right, someone had to say it. Dave Matthews' Band sucks. You know who the Angsty Chad is - it's the regular guy who sort of fits in the popular crowd but he thinks he's different because he's also smart and sensitive. He even plays guitar, when he's not writing poems about cheerleaders. Style-wise, he's a step above the Average Dude and on-par with the Standard Chad, except less polos and pastels. Stylistically, he's closer to being a Hipster, but his clothes fit looser, like Grunge (except he clearly showers and wears a tasteful amount of Drakkar Noir). He's nowhere close to being a Metrosexual but he understands how to dress himself. He wears an undershirt/t-shirt under an open short-sleeved button down with jeans, most of the time, but - if he's feeling dangerous - he might rock a jean jacket with a detachable hood. He might even pair it with some Doc Marten's but he'll probably be wearing Converse because - let's face it - he's not that cool. Have I painted a good picture yet? You know this guy. You might've even dated this guy. And he makes semi-decent music.

My hopes are so high,

That your kiss might kill me.

So won't you kill me,

So I die happy.

My heart is yours to fill or burst,

To break or bury,

Or wear as jewellery,

Whichever you prefer.

The thing I like best about "Hands Down" is the lyrics are visceral. I'm still working my way through "The Body Keeps Score" but one of the big takeaways so far is knowing that the strongest memories aren't fully narrative. They are brief images, smells, tactile feelings, emotions - which is exactly what Chris Carrabba uses to convey the experience of what he considers one of the best nights of his life. These things are fragmented in the telling but by bringing them together, they pull together a cohesive narrative - something that most people are familiar with. The anxiety of chemistry, the high of falling into love, then ending with the relief of it being reciprocated. There's this phrase that gets beaten into you in school about writing narratives - "Show, Don't Tell." And, as annoying as it is, it's the most seminal piece of advice you need to understand, not just for writing, but for any other art as well. You have to let your reader/viewer insert their own imagination and experiences in order to capture their interest and bring them into the story. The best novels, poems, movies, and song lyrics are able to do this. Most of the battle is getting your audience to feel something and any number of literary sins can be erased if you're able to engage someone to understand something deep inside. To help them discover a truth about themselves they didn't realize was there. Showing, at least in written mediums, also helps them to build the world in their head. That was sort of the purpose of describing the Angsty Chad. Hopefully, not only could you picture how he looks, but also - from the details I gave - how he smells, talks, and even behaves, because you can reference the information from your own experiences, both from real life and pop culture.

You were picturing this guy, weren't you?
It's okay, you can admit it.....

The ending lyric struck me - "And you kissed me like you meant it/And I knew that you meant it/That you meant it." In particular, it brings up a scene in one of my favorite books, "Stranger in a Strange Land." In it, Valentine Michael Smith is in the process of orienting to living on Earth and he's been studying human behavior. He's fascinated by kissing, which is something the Martians didn't have an equivalent for. He practices on Gillian and she swoons, because she's never been kissed like that before. Smith kissed her as if all of his attention, all of his focus, was only on kissing her. As such, it was the most intense and passionate thing she's ever experienced. Among other things, that was a profound lesson I took away from the book and I try to remember it - not just when I'm kissing someone but also when I'm doing other things. The lyric also brought to mind this idea of knowing how someone feels about you when they kiss you, which is a trope in American pop culture, made popular by "The Shoop Shoop Song." It also got me thinking about the absurd boundary Julia Roberts' character has around kissing her clients in "Pretty Woman." She will do anything except kiss on the mouth, because it's "too intimate." And, while I agree kissing can be quite intimate depending on the partner, it seems like a inadvisable line to draw for a prostitute, especially when working for a client who essentially asked for what has been deemed "The Girlfriend Experience," in which french kissing would be considered part of the package. And we're led to believe that when she breaks this boundary with Richard Gere, that's because she's in love. It's bizarre, because we know that sexual intimacy does not require emotional intimacy and vice versa (although the lines are much more blurred for those of us who have Touch as one of our primary love languages). That being said, I do believe you can tell how someone feels about you by how they kiss you - if they seem like they're distracted or seem like they're just doing it to make you happy, that's a pretty good indicator. It's not hard to lose yourself in a kiss when you're deeply connected to someone, but it's nearly impossible to meet that intensity if you're not.

One of my favorite apps - "The Pattern" - added a new feature called Bonds in which you can explore what your hypothetical "bond" with  people - both celebrities and actual friends - would be.

Not to brag but Taylor Swift and I would be close friends. Additionally, Sebastian Stan and I are highly compatible and have an "ideal relationship dynamic." It's never going to happen but it's fun to try out. I wasted one of my "bonds" on finding out our romantic compatibility - totally worth it. 10/10 would do again, only this time with Henry Cavill. On a more serious note, I have always had this deeply held belief that we are all interconnected. In fact, "Interconnectivity" was one of my Top 5 leadership strengths when I did a team-building seminar as Treasurer of my university's Residence Hall Association. It doesn't surprise me that I'd have a strong theoretical bond with T-Swift because I can feel that deep understanding when I listen to her music. We might not be friends IRL but her artistic presence is obviously important in my life. I don't need to know or have anything more than that. I think we instinctively know what's for us and what's not - including people and the roles they are supposed to fill in our lives - the problem is we ignore that intuition because of trends or societal norms or some misguided vision of what we're supposed to be/do/think. I have more thoughts on this but - to avoid every post from becoming a rant on spirituality, intuition, purpose, and "The Great Work," it's best I end here.

Post note: I've been meaning to publish this for days but I've been too exhausted to do the usual "finishing touches." For Labor Day weekend, I intended to clean up the house to prepare for Baby [Name Redacted] - not nesting, just super aware of what needs to be done before I have the baby, which may be a week early if my OB and I decide a repeat C-section is in my best interest (unfortunately, 39 weeks falls exactly on the day that Saturn conjunct Pluto is square Mars...nice timing, Doc). I ended up sleeping most of the day on Monday, which I hate doing. As a rule, I hate sleeping more than the recommended 7-8 hours a night, because I like being awake. Unfortunately, I've had the worst insomnia/sleep of my life this week and yesterday, I was at the point where I was so exhausted, I was shaking. The only time I've been that tired is right after I had my first child. After another sleepless night, I decided to take this morning off to rest - I'd like to say it helped but I know it's just a temporary fix. I know I'm doing too much but I can't help it - someone has to do these things. My body is just hitting a wall that I have to push through - trying to remember the old adage that it doesn't matter how slow you go, the point is to keep going. Just one more month.

"Hands Down" Video

"Stupid Girl" by Cold

I've been listening to a lot of loud, somewhat angry music lately. This song came up in my playlist recently. It's an older one from a band I used to listen to in high school. It struck me because - ostensibly - it's a love song. That's actually a common topic for music, especially male-dominated bands - the angry love song. A distinction - these are different from break-up songs and unrequited love songs because the subject the person is singing about often loves the singer back or, at least, reciprocates their affections in some way. No, the singer is angry because his love for the person causes him to actually take a deep look at himself - to face his own emotions, behaviors, and habits - and sometimes, he doesn't like what he sees. This is not something society encourages men to do. In fact, a lot of our programming tells them to actively avoid this level of self-reflection. So when he encounters a trigger that forces him to do so - i.e., the object of his affection - it can manifest as anger towards the person.

What's the source of this anger? Well, many things. Feeling powerless and weak (and therefore, resentful) that he needs and wants this person around all the time, especially at first. Shame at the sexual urges he has towards someone who he sees as pure and good (because society has taught us that sex is an act of denigration, not of love). I would classify the song "Closer" by NIN in this category for this reason. Guilt for not being able to protect or provide for their person. I heard in a psychology lecture that love, for men, often manifests as a strong protection instinct. A man will do anything to protect someone he loves, even if the thing he has to protect them from is himself. This reminds me of the ending scene of "The Butterfly Effect." Ashton Kutcher keeps going back in time to prevent the woman he loves from a life of suffering. Keep in mind, he remembers all the timelines when he jumps so he starts to recognize a pattern in all of them. Ultimately, what he has to do is make it so she will never be close to him. Ever. So when he sees the woman on the street in the final timeline, after they both grow up to be successful, functional adults, he keeps on walking. Because he ain't going to risk it. It's complicated but I think I'm starting to understand it.

I can't take this

Born to break this

She's going away (She's going away)

What's wrong with my life today?

She's going away (She's going away)

What's wrong with my life today?

In tarot and astrological circles, 2020 has been touted as the Year of the Emperor, which is a fancy way of saying the collective focus is shifting onto masculine energies. With Mars moving into Aries conjunct Chiron, the next half of the year has a special emphasis on the Wounded Masculine. In particular, we're going to be collectively working on how this energy can be distorted, the effects of this distortion, and how to correct it on an individual and collective scale. There is nothing inherently bad about Masculine energy, just as there is nothing inherently bad about Feminine energy. It is how it is channeled, manipulated, and used that causes problems. For the sake of explanation, please note that I'm using Masculine and Feminine in the sense of Hermetic polarities. All things have both energies in varying degrees. Some things/people may have more of one polarity than the other but the ultimate goal is to balance the polarities overall, to bring harmony to the Universe. It has nothing to do with boy vs girl, although we tend to think of men having more masculine energy and women having more feminine energy. This is not always the case, by any means, and regardless of what you believe your personal mix of polarities is, it would be foolish to cultivate one but neglect the other. In order to have balance, you must work to improve and perfect both.

In order to go forward, let's give a basic definition of the Masculine polarity (in Hermeticism). It is an active energy with special emphasis discipline, focus, order, justice, honor, physical strength, and physical courage. Whereas the Feminine is the receptive energy, the Masculine is the providing energy. It's primarily ruled by logic, reason, and rationality. (Going back to the above discussion, this is how men get to the point of staying away from their lover to keep them safe - s/he needs to be protected from being hurt; I hurt her/him, therefore s/he needs to be protected from me. Makes perfect sense from a logical standpoint.) The Divine Masculine within us is a protector and a leader.

I'm a loner, I'm a loser

I'm a winner in my mind

I'm a bad one, I'm a good one

I'm a sick one with a smile

One of the spiritual accounts I follow on Twitter tweeted something that caught my imagination - it was something to the effect of "the Feminine [polarity/energy] resents an ineffective Masculine." So what makes our inner masculine "ineffective?" Well, it starts with not protecting ourselves - not speaking up for our own best interests (protecting needs and boundaries) or standing by our beliefs and principles (maintaining discipline and honor). It's not backing up our words with our actions. It manifests as not following through with our goals or going after what we say we want. It's not having the courage to ask for what we want in the first place. It's not expressing our individuality or letting ourselves be overpowered by another's opinion of us. In these circumstances, it represses the Divine Feminine as well, because she represents our creative force and inner wisdom. She is counting on the Divine Masculine to act on her intuitive insights, to trust her guidance. If the Masculine is stuck in a place of fear and inaction, the Feminine could be screaming "this is what you want and this is what you need to get it" and it wouldn't matter. She goes unheard because the will to act is simply not there. And nothing makes the Feminine more resentful than feeling unheard, misunderstood, and disrespected (*cough*Lilith and Eris will also be conjunct in Aries*cough*).

Final question: So how do we strengthen and support our inner Divine Masculine? I'd rather not leave you with "just don't do those things I listed" but that's essentially it. A lot of the work is getting clear on what you want - define, in no uncertain terms, your desires, needs, and boundaries. Going a step further, define what your principles and beliefs are - and then act on them. For example, I believe that all people deserve to be treated with kindness and respect and I strive to have my actions reflect that. Next step is defining your goals, choosing one or two, and put a plan in place to meet them. Simple example - you want to live a healthier lifestyle. Write down what a healthy lifestyle would look like for you - drinking more water, eating more veggies, cutting down on alcohol, meditating everyday, exercising a specified amount of time each week, etc. Then start taking steps that help you meet that goal and track your progress. Nothing encourages and supports discipline and accountability like keeping records, whether that be in the form of an app, taking selfies every day, or keeping a bullet journal for your new habits. Speak your Truth. Nurture and protect your inner Divine Feminine - if she gives you an intuitive insight, don't ignore it. Take note of it, think on it, and act on it, if need be. Cultivate creativity and curiosity, seek out Beauty. Follow where she leads, because she's doing it to support your efforts to live in accordance with your Highest Self (which you just defined in the previous steps I mentioned). Finally, remember that this is an on-going and iterative process. Failure is a mindset, not a conclusion. You will fuck up - what matters most is you acknowledge that you fucked up and then you keep going anyway.

"Stupid Girl" Video

"The Way" by Fastball

I've always found this song unsettling. It's subject matter is disturbing and yet, it's insanely catchy. For those who don't know the back story, Fastball's front man, Tony Scalzo, was inspired to write "The Way" after hearing about an elderly couple who disappeared on the way to a local Texas festival. Their bodies were found two days later, in Arkansas, nowhere near where they were supposed to be. No one really knows what happened. The general assumption is that, due to issues with their memories, they got disoriented on the trip and came to a tragic end in a ditch. The story is haunting for so many reasons. This was Scalzo's romanticized take on the incident. He imagined that one morning, they woke up and decided to take off - like when they were young. No cares in the world. They got in their car and just drove for as long as they could. Without telling anyone their plans. But can you imagine how frightening that was for their family? I can, which is why I can't imagine ever doing anything like that on purpose. If I disappear, something is wrong. Very wrong.

You can see their shadows

Wandering off somewhere

They won't make it home

But they really don't care

They wanted the highway

They're happy there today, today

I think the thing that creeps me out most is this story really happened. It's a common tactic for marketing horror movies, to say it was based on a true story. It's effective, because it plays on people's deepest fear - that their darkest imaginings, the worst case scenario they've built up in their head, is not as ridiculous as they've been led to believe. For example, "The Strangers," which is based on a French film, "Ils" (Translation: "They"). In both these films, the protagonists - who are new to the area - are terrorized by local children. That's the twist at the end of these films - the monsters playing with them are children. These film are an amalgamation of actual crimes that happened in America and France, where people's homes are broken into and vandalized while they were at home. In some cases, the victims were murdered. Like all urban legends, there's a tiny grain of truth in these cautionary tales and that's what makes them scary. It could happen. I knew a guy who it happened to. Norman Bates in "Psycho" and Buffalo Bill in "The Silence of the Lambs" were based on Ed Gein. And one of the most chilling short stories I've ever read - "Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?" by Joyce Carol Oates - is about the Pied Piper of Tucson, Charles Schmid. There's no shortage of inspiration, if that's where your mind is going to go.

I, for one, lost my taste for "based on a true story" type shows a long time ago. I watched a lot of "Law & Order: SVU" and "Criminal Minds" when I was younger, as a budding amateur psychologist. After I became a mom, watching those shows made me sick to my stomach, because they were too true to life. I know all the statistics. At any given moment, there is between 25 and 50 active serial killers in the United States (for some reason, we have a disproportionately high number of serial killers). When I hear a news story about a lost child, my brain automatically runs the numbers - if it's been more than 24 hours, the child is probably dead. More than likely, it was one of their relatives...and a sickening number of times, the perpetrator is one of their parents. And I just can't even. Monsters are real. Give me ghost stories any day - the real world is way more scary than Cthulhu and Baba Yaga ever could be.

"The Way" Video

"Lullaby" by Shawn Mullins

An oldie but a goody. This song showed up in my music video mix recently. Another one of my comfort zones - late 90s soft rock. This song came out in 1998, over two decades ago. I've been feeling a little nostalgic lately. Maybe nostalgic isn't the word, but just reflective over the past decade.  Random memories keep flooding in - things I haven't thought about in years. As they come up, I just try to make peace with them and let it go. It's not something that's easy for me to do - I have an excellent memory and a mind that tends to dwell and over-analyze on things well past their expiration date. According to Wikipedia, this song is about a girl who is feeling depressed as she contemplates her own mortality and how her life has gone so far, as she slowly succumbs to addiction. Yep. Super cheery. To be honest, tonight is a throw-away song and I'm running out of songs that I don't have a rant brewing for. Some of the rants are super long and I just want to chill and watch a movie tonight. Because I never get to watch movies anymore and I love watching movies.

She still lives with her mom

Outside the city

Down that street about a half a mile

And all her friends tell her

She's so pretty

But she'd be a whole lot prettier

If she smiled once in a while

`cause even her smile

Looks like a frown

She's seen her share of devils

In this angel town

I remember a game we played in my 9th grade social studies class as an icebreaker. It was a BINGO type game where you had to find a person that fit the description in each box and they had to sign their name next to the description - things like "Owns a dog" and "Can play an instrument." There was a box that had "Watches 5 movies a week" and that's the one I usually signed my name in when people came up to me. After the 20 minutes or so the teacher gave us to play the game, she went through all the squares, asking who was the most common person who signed for each of the descriptions. When she got to the movie question, she scoffed and said, "if someone watches 5 movies a week, they don't have a life." I remember being so crushed and embarrassed. I felt like I was such a weirdo and wanted to disappear. Now that I think of it, it's not weird. Most movies take about 2 hours and the average American watches like 4 hours of television a day. At least I was watching art instead of reality TV. When my dad was home - and he was deployed for most of my high school career, so this wasn't often - we'd watch something on Turner Classic Movies almost every day. I've probably seen basically every WWII film made in the 60s. Everything with Audrey and Marilyn. Most films starring John Wayne. Now that I'm older, I'm aware that other people share my interests, but back then, it was just another reason why I didn't fit in. More than anything now, I'm aware of how much impact a judgmental comments can make on people, even if we think it's just a throwaway comment. There's this question floating around Astrology Twitter and I was struggling to think of a response - What's your Venus sign and what's your biggest pet peeve regarding people? I think I've figured it out, though. Venus in Cancer and I dislike when people say mean things about others because they think it makes them look cool. Ironically, it's something I used to do a lot when I was younger. I'm not proud of it but at least I understand that tearing down others comes from a place of insecurity. I can work on not being insecure - I have been working on it.

Fun fact: Angelina Jolie also has Venus in Cancer. And she's a Cancer Rising. Which makes sense because she has such big Mom energy. You have to have a big heart to choose to care for that many children, half of which are adopted. Of course, it should've been pretty obvious when she started wearing a vial of Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck. Also, getting married after like a week and tattooing his name on her arm. Sounds like Cancer shenanigans to me - and I've had my fair share of Cancer shenanigans. Scorpio Venus doesn't have the market cornered on being intense when it comes to Love and Romance - to be honest, all the water signs are pretty fucking crazy.

"Lullaby" Video

"Just Another Girl" by The Killers

I started drafting a rant for another song but then the sheer amount of stuff I need to do between today and tomorrow became real for me all of a sudden. I just baked approximately 50 cupcakes that will need to be frosted at some point, my backseat is filled with sticks we spray-painted silver (it's best not to ask), I haven't packed yet for our hotel stay, and when I get to the hotel tomorrow morning, there's 250+ balloons waiting to be blown up. Oh Joy. More Gemini Rising bullshit. My advice - don't do this to yourself. I'm a highly seasoned professional with years of experience volunteering to do labor-intensive nonsense for fun and profit. Just kidding - I've never profited from this stuff, not by any reasonable measure. I should probably remedy that, somehow. Suffice it to say, there won't be a post tomorrow. But Sunday's rant will hopefully be better because I won't be feeling rushed or stressed over party planning shenanigans. For the last month, I've seriously considered putting up the following sign:

I still might put it up - pot luck season isn't over yet.

Step out into the Indian dust

I can feel the cracks in my spirit

They're starting to bust

Drive by your house, nobody's home

I'm trying to tell myself that I'm better off alone

All of my friends say I should move on

She's just another girl, don't let her stick it to your heart so hard

And all of my friends say it wasn't meant to be

And it's a great big world, she's just another girl

YouTube has been pushing the music video for this song a lot lately. Because the algorithm knows my comfort zone....which is apparently early 2010s indie alternative rock. Predictable. But they got me, so clearly it's accurate. I liked it so it's been added to the appropriate playlists and I am sharing it today. It's about the stereotypical words of encouragement people say when your heart's broken that aren't as helpful as they think they are. After only having heard this song like last week, I already have a theory for the video. In the video, there's a pretty blonde girl who is lip-synching the lyrics. I think she was in "Glee" but I'm not sure because I was never into that show (which is weird, because I was all about choir in high school). I'm pretty sure the blonde is supposed to be the girl in question. Essentially, she's pretending to be the lead singer (by wearing his clothes and doing the things he'd normally be doing) because she took a part of him with her. Or maybe it means he doesn't believe she is "just another girl" because he feels she was the mirror image of himself - his metaphorical other half. Or maybe it was just a good reason to put Dianna Agron (I looked her up) in a bunch of awesome outfits. And her hair is amazing in the video - I'm not sure I could pull it off. I think I'd have to get bangs and I'd rather not. Fun fact: Dianna Agron's brother actually is named Jason so the song could be about her (but I suspect it's just a common name he picked to protect the innocent - the names in songs hardly ever point directly to an actual person). And after watching the video a few times, the replication of the looks from other Killers' music videos is made very intentional. Anyway, at the end of the video, Agron just walks away and she's not really part of the final scene. The lead singer is back to being himself, which makes me think that maybe she's not just another girl because she (or rather, the heartbreak she caused) inspired him to channel his intensity into his music. Everyone needs a muse.

"Just Another Girl" Video

"Novocaine" by The Unlikely Candidates

I'm phoning it in today. I ain't ashamed. I basically almost fell asleep during my daily meditation right now so clearly, I probably need to go to bed. Today's song popped up during one of my son's music video playlists (yes, his taste has developed enough to have playlists on YouTube....I believe it was a "things similar to K.Flay" list). Thought it had a good rhythm. Turns out it's also a good running song, precisely because it has good rhythm.

Wonder why the party's over soon as I arrive

Must've done something in a former life

And I don't really wanna change

Change!

I am what I am, I know what I know

I'll let you down if you let me too close

I am what I am, I know what I know

You catch me running away then you'll know

This song is about someone who makes shitty life decisions, complains about their life, but doesn't do the things they need to do to make their life better because "this is just who I am." I'm in the camp that believes you get to choose who you want to be and you make that choice every moment. A lot of people have no clue who they are or who they want to be. They're on autopilot most of the time and when something difficult comes up, they revert back to the same behavior they've always done and are surprised when the outcome is the same as before. It's insanity, but if you try to point it out to people, they get really angry and suddenly you're the asshole.

Novocaine is a local anesthetic....a numbing agent. In the song, I think it's a metaphor for the things we do in order to avoid feeling our feelings. And not feeling our feelings causes all sorts of problems in unforeseen ways. Which is why I've tried to be more aware of the things I use as "numbing agents" this year. Pretty aware of those at this point - alcohol, sex, overspending (on books, in particular), YouTube videos, and scrolling through Twitter. I know - fairly tame. Sorry to disappoint but I'm not shooting heroine between my toes or anything. I've been on this kick lately about trying not to be distracted in my life - not using alcohol to be social, not using sex when what I want is intimacy and connection, and not using social media to avoid being alone with myself (or to procrastinate when I really should be working on my goals). Notice that I specify the intent behind these actions because the intention is everything. The "why" we do things is always more important than the "what" we're doing. All of the things I listed aren't particularly harmful when used in a healthy way, but they can become harmful if you're doing them to excess or for unhealthy reasons. Yes, I may be spending way too much time reading psychology articles and self-help books. I've always been one of those people who was into self-improvement - why else would I get into magic and psychology? Because I thought both these things would make my life better and fix whatever was broken with me. And they did - by helping me realize I'm not broken, I just kind of forgot who I was for a minute.

"Novocaine" Video

"Flavor of the Weak" by American Hi-Fi

My pre-teen self was all about this song. American Hi-Fi was one of the various CDs I flirted with buying before I realized Napster was a thing. It was the early 2000s - it was a crazy time for everyone! I'm just going to do a short post today, because I'm still trying too wrap up a project, but I hate going to long without posting on here.

As you may have noticed, the title is a play on words. Instead of "week," they use the word "weak" instead. I've had mixed feelings about this for -well - obviously at least two decades. It implies that the girl is weak because she's pouring all her love into a schmuck who doesn't appreciate it. As someone who loves too hard myself, I don't think of that as weak. In fact, I think people who refuse to let themselves love that hard are weak, because it means they don't have the courage to be vulnerable. They don't have the strength to have their heart broken multiple times and still be able to put it back together at the end of the day. You know how much inner strength it takes to not become completely cold and build a wall around you after you've been hurt? Most people don't have the mental, spiritual, or emotional fortitude for it. I've found that the kindest people I've ever met have had some of the hardest lives, went through some of the most shit circumstances I've ever heard of in my life - and, yet, they get up every day with the intention of being giving and kind, no matter what happens.

We could go with the alternate theory, which is implied at the end of the song with the final lyric of "she makes me weak." That she's exactly the kind of girl the singer is looking for but he sees himself as weak because of how she makes him feel. And he has kind of a point - it sounds like he's constantly pointing out the ways her boyfriend misses the mark but has never told her how he feels. He friend-zoned himself, basically, by trying to be the shoulder to cry on. Lame. That being said....he's not wrong. Her boyfriend does treat her like she's disposable and not good enough. So you have to wonder....why doesn't she already see it?

It's Friday night and she's all alone

He's a million miles away

She's dressed to kill, but the TV's on

He's connected to the sound

And he's got pictures on the wall

Of all the girls he's loved before

And she knows all his favorite songs

Validation, my dear friends. In a lot of relationships (and especially bad ones), people stay because they are receiving desperately needed validation (however small the amount) that they are worthy. Here's how the story in our heads goes - if I can get this impossible to please person who is constantly pointing out my faults to love me, I'm worthy of love. If I can just look the way they want, act the way they want, talk the way they want - they have to love me, right? How could they not? And, thus, a vicious cycle begins. Meanwhile, the other person is secretly craving validation, too, because they also feel unlovable. However, because it was easy to get validation from the other person, there must be something wrong with them because who could ever truly love a beast like me? And so s/he goes out looking for validation from a different source. Often, neither of these people truly understands what they want from a relationship and/or has unrealistic expectations of what love should look like, which is ultimately a recipe for disappointment and dissatisfaction. What usually ends up happening is we assume "this is how relationships are supposed to be" and people select partners who are unable to meet their needs/desires. They call it "compromise" but, in reality, it's self-betrayal. Your needs are your needs and, eventually, people become resentful when those needs aren't met. How long it takes to get to that point is largely based on a person's self-esteem - if you don't think you are worthy to be loved in the way you want, you'll put up with a lot more bullshit than someone with a healthy sense of self-worth. Also, we're usually replaying a story that we saw in our home life growing up. Think of all those tropes in sitcoms. The obedient but unhappy wife. The hen-pecked husband. The bitter divorcee. Or the hot, smart wife with the dumb, schlubby husband (and vice versa....I've never seen vice versa on TV, but I'm sure it could be done). Honestly, probably the healthiest dynamic I've seen in a sitcom (aside from "The Addams Family," which was purposely trying to up-end TV tropes) was the show, "Reba." And even that level of emotional/psychological sanity given the circumstances is pretty unrealistic.

How does this play out in the official video? Aside from placing the back story in the 1980s, the video storyline plays it pretty straight. It starts out with a journalist asking some metalheads, "What is your philosophy on life?", at which point, the loudest guy in the frame goes into a rant about how metal is better than punk (not even), avoiding the question entirely. The video is filmed to be a parody of the documentary, "Heavy Metal Parking Lot," which is an actual thing that exists and that anyone reading this can watch if they feel called to do something like that. I'm almost certain it's absolutely ridiculous and might be worth watching for the lulz. Moving on - we see the couple in question is waiting around for a concert to start. The girl tries to get affectionate but the guy seems utterly disinterested. He walks off with his friends, leaving her to fend for herself. While he walks around the parking lot, we see him run into various girls, giving them attention, while his actual girlfriend is walking around looking for him. Finally, he runs into a redhead trying to pull a Tawny Kitaen on his car. Of course, he goes after her and they start making out. At which point, the girlfriend sees them and realizes he's a scumbag. She's not the type to cause a scene so she runs off to be mopey somewhere. Of course, she is super pretty herself so other guys are instantly trying to get in her pants at the end of the video. Just from my own personal experience, this happens a lot. Typical.

Her boyfriend, he don't know

Anything about her

He's too stoned, he's too stoned

He's too stoned, he's too stoned

If this video continued on - for perhaps the length of a documentary? - eventually, the girl dancing on the car would become the sad girlfriend, too. Or maybe she has enough self-esteem to not put up with it and would leave first. It's not that she's prettier or sexier or better than his current (now, hopefully, former) girlfriend - he just has a vacuum where his heart should be. And he really should probably take care of that before getting in another relationship with anyone. Otherwise, the cycle continues. Gotta love those toxic spirals.

"Flavor of the Weak" Video

"Help" by Papa Roach

The last two posts were pop songs so I thought we'd take a sharp left turn into alternative rock. Another one of my son's favorite videos to watch. He really likes this song - not sure if I should be concerned or what. He does have great taste in music, though, that's for certain. Also, he's learned the phrase "Ya Basic!" so it's only a matter of time before he hurts some poor woman's feelings while she's shopping for UGGs and enjoying a pumpkin spice latte. 

Let's walk through the video first, before we get into the heaviness. The protagonist of this video is a man in a bunny costume. That could be representative of many things - that he feels he's a joke or that he feels like he's soft and weak (like a bunny). In any case, he doesn't feel like a man (as bunnies are rarely associated with virulent masculinity). It could also be a subversion of the traditional spiritual meaning of rabbits. Rabbits represent luckiness, prosperity, abundance, and even happiness. The protagonist of this video clearly does not reflect any of those things, as we'll see. At the start of the video, we see the Bunnyman waking up at 4pm next to what we can assume is his wife or  live-in girlfriend. And the first things she says could be exactly what we've told ourselves in our worst moments - "I don't know why you're waking up. You ain't got nowhere to go." The rest of the video shows his day progressively getting worse - he's out of milk, a random kid attacks him with nunchucks, someone throws a milk shake at him, and then more asshole kids are taunting him at the donut shop. It's important to note that both the woman and the kids are shown to look more ugly than they actually are. They might not actually look like that but his negative perception of life distorts everything, making people seem uglier and meaner than they might otherwise be. At the end of the video, he runs into another Bunnyman, the underlying message being that you can get through anything as long as you have an understanding friend who has been where you are.

Did someone turn the lights out?

Or is it just another dark cloud in my head?

'Cause I'm cut deep, my heart won't beat

Deep down low it's killing me

If I wanna scratch out yesterday

I've got so much I need to say

(I've got so much I need to say)

This past weekend, while I was desperately trying to keep myself from tumbling into a depressive spiral, I was thinking about how important routines and self check-ins are in these situations. Sometimes, we have to be a friend to ourselves and part of that is stopping to pay attention when you're going someplace dark. For example, I know something is off if I have less energy and I want to sleep all the time. In my normal state, I'm running around everywhere and am constantly doing some activity before going to bed. After years of waking up early, it's no problem for me most mornings to jump out of bed at 4am and do some yoga or writing. The last couple weeks, however, I've been hitting snooze way past my normal "point of no return" (i.e., the time I've decided is acceptable to sleep in until). When you're aware of these patterns, it's important to make a promise to yourself to break them. This is why routines are important - if you already have the momentum of performing a habit regularly, it's much easier to get back into the habit if you miss a day or two (or even a week). And you're able to be a bit more compassionate with yourself, if you skip a few days here and there. That's also essential - the ability to be compassionate with yourself. People will beat themselves up over the smallest, silliest things - things that are pointless in the grand scheme of things but seem so important in the moment, especially when you're already feeling down on yourself. 

One of the big contributing factors for my exhaustion is my mom being in the "depression" phase of her illness, which is, in some ways, worse than the "manic" phase. Mostly because we know she's not taking care of herself and I have constant anxiety about what she might do when she's by herself. She calls me multiple times a day (mostly because I'm the one who is most likely to pick up). During these short calls, I try to do a check in with her. Lately, I'm starting to realize the importance of doing the check-ins for myself, too. The questions I ask someone who I know is struggling with depression are the same ones that can keep me from falling into the same pattern. How are you feeling? Did you take a shower today? Are you wearing clean clothes? Did you take your medicine (or, in my case, multivitamins/supplements)? Are you eating healthy? Are you drinking water? Did you get outside and move at all? Easy questions that we can ask ourselves (or friends and family) that show we care and provide gentle encouragement to the receiver to take care of themselves. Because a sure sign of low self esteem and low self worth (hallmarks of depression) is not taking care of yourself with basic hygiene and healthy habits. Looking back now, there was a time when I actively avoided looking at myself in the mirror - I couldn't even look at myself while I was brushing my teeth. And, even though I've had some sad moments lately, I'm very happy that I'm nowhere near that level of self-hatred and I haven't been there in several years.

I think I need help

'Cause I'm drowning in myself

It's sinking in, I can't pretend

That I ain't been through hell

I think I need help

I'm drowning in myself

With that in mind, I keep flashing back to the beginning of "Wristcutters: A Love Story," which is one of my favorite films. It's one of the most disturbing scenes I've ever seen, because it's so simple. The main character has been depressed for a while and the viewer sees him lying on the bed, in the midst of a messy apartment. Suddenly, he gets up and starts cleaning the room with purpose. Takes a shower, shaves, and gets dressed - with purpose. The whole time, I have this sickening feeling because I know what's going to happen next. And sure enough, the scene ends with him slitting his wrists in the bathroom. I nearly blacked out. These particular type of suicide scenes make me queasy. Mostly because, if I were to kill myself - for realsies - I'd always imagined I'd slash my wrists. It's a little melodramatic, so I feel like it's the most fitting way for me to go out. It makes an impression. But I couldn't do it - for one, I have no interest in killing myself at the moment and, two, even thinking about it right now is making me sick to my stomach. It's also probably the most painful, scary way to do it. I'm not sure why my mind went to that scene today. Maybe because someone not taking care of themselves is one of the most obvious signs of depression and it's also the one people choose to ignore because they don't want to seem like they're being judgmental. To be honest - I know my mom gets annoyed when I ask her the check-in questions. And I also know she's lying when she answers sometimes. But the most awful thing is - that same eerie feeling of inevitability that I felt while watching the opening scene of "Wristcutters" is the same one I feel on a daily basis. And I don't know how else to help someone who won't help themselves.

"Help" Official Video

"Extraordinary" by Liz Phair

I went through a very heavy Liz Phair phase when I was in my teens. I think every girl who loves music does at some point, because Liz Phair is absolutely brilliant. "Extraordinary" came off her self-titled album, which came out in 2003. Perfect song for an awkward semi-goth/nerdy girl who felt like she wasn't very pretty and that the boys didn't notice her. Turns out that wasn't true, I'm just not approachable....and I kind of like it that way. Weeds out the weak ones, you know? I'm also a bit oblivious when I'm being hit on. Just remembered that this past weekend along with other things I'd forgotten about myself - I'm not good at small talk and prefer to just jump into the deep stuff; I enjoy being the lone digger and when I stop being self-conscious, I'm a fairly good dancer; I want every single day to be an adventure, even if it just means getting lost in a strange city sipping a latte; and I really, really love my older sister.

You think that I go home at night

Take off my clothes, turn out the lights

But I burn letters that I write

To you, to make you love me

But I drive naked through the park

And run the stop sign in the dark

Stand in the street, yell out my heart

To make, to make you love me

I am extraordinary

If you'd ever get to know me

"Extraordinary" is about rejection and how we shouldn't take it that seriously because - the majority of the time - it's not really about us. Someone I know recently went through a break up and, afterwards, she felt so low. Literally, the kindest, smartest, most beautiful woman I know in my life and someone had the fucking nerve to break up with her. Well, past the initial painful level, I think she realized it wasn't working for her either. He wanted her to morph into a completely different person to satisfy his needs but, in the end, one of two things happens - either she doesn't and he becomes resentful of her or she does and then loses herself in the process (and possibly sacrifices all the things that made her attractive to him in the first place). That's not a happy ending for either of them. I know rejection sucks but if you find yourself changing who you are and sacrificing your needs to please someone ("trying to fit a square peg in a round hole"), that relationship is basically doomed. Even though he sounds like an asshole, I kind of think he did them both a favor. And I know she'll be alright because she's amazing and, to quote her, she "could have any guy she wanted" (as egotistical as that sounds, it's absolutely true - if you knew her, you'd agree).

So I still take the trash out

Does that make me too normal for you?

Another thing I'd like to mention is that it's not a matter of trying harder, sometimes. The aforementioned friend was trying her hardest to meet his needs while maintaining her own identity and independence. And she loves so hard. But it doesn't matter how much you love someone if they can not or choose not to feel it. Some people truly are emotionally unavailable and get scared when they actually feel love because, due to all the previous trauma and rejection in their lives, it feels foreign. It feels overwhelming, like it's too much. It's important to remember that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you if you've been rejected. There's nothing wrong with the other person either. For whatever reason, at that point in time, it just didn't fit. You're not ugly or stupid or bad at sex - something just didn't fit and eventually, someone was going to become self-aware enough to admit it. That's okay. Something else will fit one day and it will be even better than you had imagined.

See me jump through hoops for you

You stand there watching me performing

What exactly do you do?

Have you ever thought it's you that's boring?

Who the hell are you?

Rejection hurts, though. It's one of our core wounds for a reason, so how do we get over it? First, remember that first and foremost, it means you tried. You took that leap of faith and - even though you got burned - at least you took it. You saw something you wanted and you went after it. That makes you brave - a lot braver than most people. Second, remember that you are fucking awesome, because I'm absolutely certain you are. Once you remember you're awesome, go out and continue being awesome. Cry if you need to, but then....Go dancing with your friends, immerse yourself in your obscure hobbies, buy yourself a Diane von Furstenburg dress (on consignment, of course - don't go too crazy!), read all those books you were planning to read anyway, and enjoy your life. You deserve to be happy - one person is not going to change that. You are still just as lovable and amazing as you always were. And you don't need to go chasing after someone who doesn't think you're good enough. Because you are.

Pulled out some of my favorite lyrics from this song - the first verse and the bridge. I love the first verse because it calls out those witchy rituals all girls do, especially when they have a crush. I guarantee you, most of the witches I know discovered witchcraft because they were trying to get a (generally unspectacular) boy to notice them. The bridge is awesome because that's exactly where you want to be in the grieving process after a break up. When you finally remove whoever it is from the pedestal you built up for them in your mind. When you realize you deserve something that works for everyone involved, including you.

"Extraordinary" Video

"Supergirl" by Reamonn

I was looking for a different song named "Supergirl" and I found this instead. The sound fit my mood more so I'm gonna go with it. I've just been feeling like I've been doing a lot and lately, I've been wonder if I really want to do even half of it. Or if I'm just doing things because it's expected, because it's routine. I found myself explaining something to someone and my only thought was, "Is it really this hard?" It might be. I'm not sure if I understand what simple means anymore. Everything is complicated. And I have a bad habit of making things easy for others. However, if I step back and think about what I want, the answer seems too simple. I want to be free. Unfortunately, I don't have that luxury - I've made too many mistakes.

You can tell by the way she walks 

That she's my girl. 

You can tell by the way 

She talks, she rules the world. 

You can see in her eyes 

That no one is her chain

She's my girl, 

My supergirl.

Anyway, the song is about a woman (whom the singer loves) who has never had anyone to rely on except herself. So she does everything herself, handles everything by herself. Her emotions, her vulnerabilities, her insecurities. The singer sees all those ugly things and he still loves her. However, she doesn't believe he can really be that person who she can count on. He can't handle her at her worst....probably because she's never even let him see her at her worst, but I digress. Eventually she starts pushing him away because, due to this wall she built up, she walks away unfulfilled. She's so certain that he's going to abandon her that she burns that bridge before he can. To quote T-Swift, "you gotta leave before you get left." My assumption is the singer wrote this song after the relationship ended.

And then she'd shout 

Down the line 

Tell me she's got no more time 

'Cause she's a supergirl 

And supergirl's don't cry 

And then she'd scream in my face 

Tell me to leave

Leave this place 

'Cause she's a supergirl 

And supergirl's just fly 

Honestly, there's a lot to unpack here - more than I have time to write, but I'll try to do some short notes, since it is interesting (and complicated) psychology. Fear of abandonment is a helluva drug, people. It makes us hold onto toxic things that should have died long ago and push away things that might actually be exactly what we wanted. A few quick signs of abandonment fear include:

• Quickness to attach (even - and maybe especially - to unavailable partners)
• Intense separation anxiety
• Feeling insecure and unworthy of love
• Hypersensitivity to criticism
• Aiming to please
• Difficulty trusting others
• Being nitpicky and hard-to-please

All of the above is interesting because fear of abandonment also manifests as:

• Reluctance to fully commit
• Difficulty achieving emotional intimacy"
• Quickness to move on to ensure you don't get too attached

Ironically, those last three appear when fear of abandonment is triggered the most. This happens when you find someone you really like, that you really click with, i.e., someone whose abandonment would hurt you the worst. Contrariwise, you may end up staying with people who don't care about you or, in some cases, are abusive (most narcissistic relationship dynamics have some element of abandonment fear in them). Mostly because people with a fear of abandonment are more likely to ignore those red flags signalling incompatibility or abusiveness, because they are so eager to not be alone. No Doubt has a great lyric for this in their song, "Magic's In The Makeup": "The ones I loathe are the ones who know me the best." Unfortunately, the methods to deal with this fear can eventually end up driving people away, resulting in the thing you fear the most. You either get really clingy and insecure. Or, you go the opposite way and you get really aloof, as if you don't care at all (but you really do - that's the problem...it's fucking scary as hell).  

Psychologists thinks this fear stems from the development of object permanence. Normally, around age 3, children learn that separation from their parents does not result in their parent not loving them anymore. They develop a mental construct of the parent and eventually understand that the parent still exists and will eventually come back. Thus, fear of abandonment is usually found in children who had parents who weren't around much or were neglectful. The article I read while researching this used the children of a military members who are deployed a lot as their primary example. Fun. But it explains a lot. Anyway, knowing you have a fear of abandonment is the first step to changing behaviors. Especially if your fear is mild, this may be enough to overcome it but some people may need professional help. Regardless of how severe the fear of abandonment is, it's important to build a sense of belonging, not just in romantic relationships, but in your general community as well. For general mental wellness, it's important to build a support network of like-minded individuals (a "tribe," if you will) through working on your hobbies and passions, which will help you build confidence and security. And hopefully, you won't feel like you have to be "Supergirl" all the time.

"Supergirl" Video

"The Last Song" by The All-American Rejects

This is just going to be a short and sweet song of the day, but I did want to commemorate the end of July 2019 formally. "The Last Song" is one of my son's favorites for our impromptu dance parties. I feel like it has a good vibe to end this month with. It's a reminder that goodbyes and moving on does not have to be bitter - in fact, it can be quite a happy time for the person who is moving forward. Hence the bouncy energy that runs through this song. Tyson Ritter wrote most of the songs from the All-American Rejects debut album in the aftermath of a bad break-up with his then girlfriend. Interestingly, this is the only song he says is not about her. He said it was about growing up and becoming who you were meant to be.....or some shit like that.

The hearts start breaking as the year is gone

The dream's beginning and the time rolls on

It seems so surreal, now I sing it

Somehow I knew that it would be this way

Somehow I knew that it would slowly fade

Now I am gone, just try and stop me now

We're ending what astrologer Austin Coppock dubbed the "Meat Grinder," which was the period between two eclipses on the Cancer-Capricorn nodal axis. This period also fell during Mercury Retrograde...fun stuff. But, we're ending July on some pretty spectacular astrological happenings. It's a Black Moon (or the second New Moon within a month), which apparently reaches its peak at 11:11pm Eastern Time (if you're into the numerology bit...I'm not but all the Twitter astrologers were freaking out), and it's also the last day of Mercury Retrograde. All the inner planets will be moving into the sign of Leo soon and will be hanging out there together for a few weeks, which is apparently a good thing. According to the Internet (and various professional astrologers), Leo is all about following your heart and courage, which is why it's symbol is the Lion. I'm all about that shit (Griffindor Pride! Wooo!) In other words, July 31 marks a definite ending and August 1 is a definite new beginning. If you believe in such things. On my better days, I do. My July was mentally taxing, but I don't think that's the planets fault. It's not anything's fault, it's just how things are sometimes. However, I do know August is going to be awesome, simply because I have a lot of fun, relaxing things lined up for the month. I'm ready, let's do this.

"The Last Song" Video