"Bitch" by Meredith Brooks

This song was a favorite for me and my best friend to sing at Double Dave's for karaoke. Usually, I'd choose a really depressing Jewel song to sing (because I sing them so well - she's one of the artists that taught me how to sing via osmosis), but this was the exception. This song came out in 1997, and as you may be able to tell, it was among the various versions of Girl Power that has shaped Millennial feminism. And I'm no exception. I am what I am, I want what I want, and if you can't accept that, you can go fuck off. That's the tagline for basically all the brilliant albums by female artists that came out in the 90s. Also, Rae always liked to tease me about my crush on a fellow actor, Rob, and his inability to project his voice in the theatre unless he was cursing. Bitch was one of the words he said particularly clearly. "Four whores and seven beers ago, some women called me father...." That's a line he had in a variety show my drama club put on and it's one of the funniest lines I've ever heard in an amateur production. Being that hilarious in my writing while addressing difficult subjects is what I aspire to.

I'm told I'm a "sweetheart." Mostly. I look mean but then when people get to know me, they learn how friendly and caring I can be. I will literally do anything for the people that I care about. Some examples - jump off walls, drive hundreds of miles just to visit for a couple days, change all my carefully laid plans on a moment's notice to help them out. Anything. But that doesn't mean I can't be a bitch - it just takes a lot. Usually, the bitch only comes out when I'm feeling threatened or when my tolerance for bullshit has hit an all time low (and that's really, really fucking hard to do). To some, it can come as a surprise. I'm the nicest person in the world...until I'm not. For some reason, people don't think I'm going to stand up for myself when they cross the line but - sooner or later - I always do. Because someone has to. I'm an incredibly flawed individual and painfully self-aware, and I'm working on it. But I'm the only one who knows where I've been and where I'm going.

I hate the world today

You're so good to me

I know but I can't change

Tried to tell you

But you look at me like maybe

I'm an angel underneath

Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried

Must have been relieved to see

The softer side

I can understand how you'd be so confused

I don't envy you

I'm a little bit of everything

All rolled into one

It occurred to me today that there are people who already think I'm a bitch, because they don't know me very well. Mostly, people who are supposed to be my "colleagues," in theory. Ironically, they think I'm a bitch because I speak up. And I don't put up with their bullshit, like my boss does. That's okay, though, because I literally don't care anymore. My gift has always been my voice. That's why I sing and write. And why (I hope) when I say something, most people shut up and listen. And I realized that people treat me like a doormat because I don't say anything. Until I get fed up, then everyone looks at me like I'm the bad guy. Fuck that noise.

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease

I'm a goddess on my knees

When you hurt, when you suffer

I'm your angel undercover

I've been numb, I'm revived

Can't say I'm not alive

You know I wouldn't want it any other way

I'm thinking back on my trip to Boston and considering some moments that stand out, all of which happened during a drunken haze. Weirdly enough, I actually remember all the stupid stuff I do while I'm drunk. I have a theory that it's a superpower that all writers have. Back to those moments:

1. Some girl who bumped into me on accident called me the "most adorable human ever." Accurate.
2. Another (extremely drunk) young lady said I was "a true friend" because I held the door closed while she was going to the bathroom. The lock on the stall was broken and girls had been doing that for each other all night, so I just thought I was being courteous. There's a special kind of solidarity between drunk girls in a loud dance club....one that I kind of missed, to be honest. 
3. I was dancing with my sister's friend (who was kind enough to watch after me when my sister disappeared for like 30 minutes) and he asked me when was the last time I felt "this free." I replied that it had been over a decade. It was only the morning after I realized that I'd lied. I had felt that free more recently than that. I just forgot about it for a moment. I can be that free again, if I want. And I don't need to be five beers deep to feel it. 

Everything feels like a lesson nowadays. And even the light moments, like the ones mentioned, feel heavier as I get older. I was considering a quote by Friedrich Nietzche this morning - "And once you are awake, you shall remain awake eternally." Which sucks. You can't un-know what you know and it truly is a bitch. But I ask you - who would ever want to go back to sleep?

"Bitch" Video

"Extraordinary" by Liz Phair

I went through a very heavy Liz Phair phase when I was in my teens. I think every girl who loves music does at some point, because Liz Phair is absolutely brilliant. "Extraordinary" came off her self-titled album, which came out in 2003. Perfect song for an awkward semi-goth/nerdy girl who felt like she wasn't very pretty and that the boys didn't notice her. Turns out that wasn't true, I'm just not approachable....and I kind of like it that way. Weeds out the weak ones, you know? I'm also a bit oblivious when I'm being hit on. Just remembered that this past weekend along with other things I'd forgotten about myself - I'm not good at small talk and prefer to just jump into the deep stuff; I enjoy being the lone digger and when I stop being self-conscious, I'm a fairly good dancer; I want every single day to be an adventure, even if it just means getting lost in a strange city sipping a latte; and I really, really love my older sister.

You think that I go home at night

Take off my clothes, turn out the lights

But I burn letters that I write

To you, to make you love me

But I drive naked through the park

And run the stop sign in the dark

Stand in the street, yell out my heart

To make, to make you love me

I am extraordinary

If you'd ever get to know me

"Extraordinary" is about rejection and how we shouldn't take it that seriously because - the majority of the time - it's not really about us. Someone I know recently went through a break up and, afterwards, she felt so low. Literally, the kindest, smartest, most beautiful woman I know in my life and someone had the fucking nerve to break up with her. Well, past the initial painful level, I think she realized it wasn't working for her either. He wanted her to morph into a completely different person to satisfy his needs but, in the end, one of two things happens - either she doesn't and he becomes resentful of her or she does and then loses herself in the process (and possibly sacrifices all the things that made her attractive to him in the first place). That's not a happy ending for either of them. I know rejection sucks but if you find yourself changing who you are and sacrificing your needs to please someone ("trying to fit a square peg in a round hole"), that relationship is basically doomed. Even though he sounds like an asshole, I kind of think he did them both a favor. And I know she'll be alright because she's amazing and, to quote her, she "could have any guy she wanted" (as egotistical as that sounds, it's absolutely true - if you knew her, you'd agree).

So I still take the trash out

Does that make me too normal for you?

Another thing I'd like to mention is that it's not a matter of trying harder, sometimes. The aforementioned friend was trying her hardest to meet his needs while maintaining her own identity and independence. And she loves so hard. But it doesn't matter how much you love someone if they can not or choose not to feel it. Some people truly are emotionally unavailable and get scared when they actually feel love because, due to all the previous trauma and rejection in their lives, it feels foreign. It feels overwhelming, like it's too much. It's important to remember that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you if you've been rejected. There's nothing wrong with the other person either. For whatever reason, at that point in time, it just didn't fit. You're not ugly or stupid or bad at sex - something just didn't fit and eventually, someone was going to become self-aware enough to admit it. That's okay. Something else will fit one day and it will be even better than you had imagined.

See me jump through hoops for you

You stand there watching me performing

What exactly do you do?

Have you ever thought it's you that's boring?

Who the hell are you?

Rejection hurts, though. It's one of our core wounds for a reason, so how do we get over it? First, remember that first and foremost, it means you tried. You took that leap of faith and - even though you got burned - at least you took it. You saw something you wanted and you went after it. That makes you brave - a lot braver than most people. Second, remember that you are fucking awesome, because I'm absolutely certain you are. Once you remember you're awesome, go out and continue being awesome. Cry if you need to, but then....Go dancing with your friends, immerse yourself in your obscure hobbies, buy yourself a Diane von Furstenburg dress (on consignment, of course - don't go too crazy!), read all those books you were planning to read anyway, and enjoy your life. You deserve to be happy - one person is not going to change that. You are still just as lovable and amazing as you always were. And you don't need to go chasing after someone who doesn't think you're good enough. Because you are.

Pulled out some of my favorite lyrics from this song - the first verse and the bridge. I love the first verse because it calls out those witchy rituals all girls do, especially when they have a crush. I guarantee you, most of the witches I know discovered witchcraft because they were trying to get a (generally unspectacular) boy to notice them. The bridge is awesome because that's exactly where you want to be in the grieving process after a break up. When you finally remove whoever it is from the pedestal you built up for them in your mind. When you realize you deserve something that works for everyone involved, including you.

"Extraordinary" Video

"Believer" by Imagine Dragons

There's this thing in witchcraft that we call The Great Work (or, for those of you schooled in the studies of Hermeticism and alchemy, the Magnum Opus). Spoiler alert: The Great Work is you. It's your life. In Thelema, the magical system developed by Aleister Crowley, the Great Work is the spiritual practices leading to the mystical union of the Self and All. Now, whether or not you follow Mr. Crowley, there is something empowering in knowing that you are your own masterpiece. That's the actual magic of alchemy. Through putting all your energy into accomplishing a goal (such as creating the Philosopher's Stone), the process transforms you, metaphorically turning your soul from lead into gold.

I've been delving deep into Theosophy lately, specifically the lessons of the spiritual path and its similarities to The Hero's Journey. When you see all the threads for what they are, it's hard not to see all the inevitable connections. On the spiritual path, the first initiation is the choice to take the spiritual path. The choice to embody who you are and your destiny. Not unlike what the Hero has to go through, when s/he understands that not going on the journey/quest/mission that has presented itself will leave them unsatisfied. It's not that the life they would have if they don't choose to go on the journey will be unhappy, but it will be safe and unremarkable. And they'll always be left wondering about the "what ifs." In "Believer," the singer stands at the precipice of this choice. He is thinking over his life and he realizes that everything that has happened to him - both good and bad - has led him to this place. He's grateful for all of it. And he realizes he has control over what happens next. Theosophy speaks of many other initiations, all very interesting in their own right, but it's this first one that matters the most. Theoretically, the majority of people don't face this initiation. Maybe they get close but then back away at the last second. Usually out of fear of what other people will think.

First things first

I'ma say all the words inside my head

I'm fired up and tired of the way that things have been, oh ooh

The way that things have been, oh ooh

Second thing second

Don't you tell me what you think that I can be

I'm the one at the sail, I'm the master of my sea, oh ooh

The master of my sea, oh ooh

Which brings me to the subject of Saturn Returns. Saturn is the ruler of discipline, duty, and - yes, my friends - destiny. He forces us to face the essentials of life, the obligations to our community that we have when we are born, and the responsibilities we must accept if we are to continue existing. Saturn Returns have a way of activating parts of our natal chart that have thus far remained dormant. It takes Saturn to go through all 12 signs of the Zodiac approximately 29.5 years and it usually has an influence for about 3 years. For simplicity's sake, let's just say that most people are under the influence of their Saturn Return from when they turn 28 to until the end of age 30. Coincidentally, the average age for divorce is 30. Supposedly, most people turn to whoever they're with and they have one of two reactions: "Yay! I get to spend the rest of my life with this person." or "Oh. My. God. I'm going to spending the rest of my life with this person." Alternatively, Saturn Returns also have a habit of bringing in love from an unexpected source, usually when you're not looking for it. This isn't necessarily a bad thing - Saturn also has a habit of helping people realize what they really want in life. It's the much needed kick-in-the-pants that gets them pointed in the right direction, if they weren't already going that way.

I was thinking about the 3 years that encapsulated my Saturn Return. It's funny - I distinctly remember when I turned 28, I vowed that it was going to be the best year of my life and I wrote down a plan to make that happen in my journal. About a month after writing all those good intentions, I found out I was pregnant. Saturn strikes again...but that's okay, because I've always wanted kids. And maternity leave was like having a built-in writing vacation because, instead of sleeping when the baby slept, I decided to use that time to write (in hindsight, this probably wasn't the best idea....I was always so exhausted). In those 3 years, I had a baby, I got married, I bought a house, received a series of promotions that have gotten me to where my career is today, wrote more than ever, and a few other less pleasant things that I'd rather not mention (but, nonetheless, had a profound impact on me). In spite of some missteps (or perhaps because of them), I feel like I became more myself, which is what is supposed to happen during a Saturn Return. You're supposed to be set on the path you're meant to follow. Not everyone embraces it, though. Sometimes, the opportunity to leave a situation that doesn't reflect your core self presents itself and you don't take it out of some misguided belief of what you should do, rather than what you really want for yourself. Luckily, most people will have another Saturn Return but resisting that first one may cause you to stay in an unhappy situation for longer than you otherwise would have out of fear of facing the unknown. It's important to remember one key piece of guidance when facing a Saturn Return (or any Return or Retrograde, for that matter): Chaos is another name for Opportunity. Embrace the chaos. Saturn knows better than most that, in order to put thing right, you might have to tear everything apart first. Stepping back and seeing the method in the madness is what will ultimately make you a Believer.

"Believer" Video

August Theme: "Empowerment"

I was planning to post the theme for this month sooner but after the tragedy in El Paso yesterday, I felt drained and also felt it was inappropriate although my family and friends who still live there are okay (the Cielo Vista Walmart is close to where my in-laws live), it still weighs on me a bit. El Paso is one of the few places in my life where I felt like I had a "home." Considering that, for a city of its size, murder is incredibly rare in El Paso, the magnitude of violence that occurred there yesterday is unexpected. Given the details that are coming out of the investigation about the shooter's intentions to specifically target people of Hispanic descent, it's hard for me not to take yesterday's events personally. And that's how I feel on that.

I've chosen "Empowerment" for this month's theme. Aside from all the Leo season good-ness that is supposed to be happening, it's a theme that allows room for some happy songs and exploration of new psychology methodologies and theories that have sparked my curiosity as of late. I've also stumbled upon a new breed of psychology - Holistic Psychology - that views New Age ideas/concepts as a tool for self-healing and enlightenment. Because of its reputation as a "soft science," psychology (as I encountered it in school) intentionally focused only on areas of study that the mainstream considered "serious," and as a result, neglected research of topics that the average scientist would consider "woo-woo." For example, extra-sensory perception (ESP), life after death/near-death experiences, and the effects of spirituality/occult practices. Like it or not, these things are part of the human experience and are worthy of scientific research. To choose not to study and examine an area of the human psyche because the possibilities have been judged too fantastical is an active choice to ignore an entire dimension of objective truth simply to assuage the scientific community's collective ego. It's one of the things that turned me off to studying psychology further and I find it ironic that my spiritual quest has brought me full circle.

Lately, my journey has led me to learn more about the North and South nodes in astrology. Understanding the North and South nodes in our natal - and how they manifest in our lives - is one of those things in astrology that I think could have massive potential for helping people understand and pursue their life's purpose. The cardinal rule of astrology is "thou shalt not covet another's placements" but - if I may confess - I've always been jealous that I didn't have any Libra placements, because Libra is the sign of beauty and charm. Until I realized that I probably have the most essential Libra placement of all - my South node. Astrologically speaking, it means in past lives (or in the beginning of this life, if you don't believe in reincarnation), I have already mastered and incorporated the best parts of Libra. Diplomacy, charm, cooperation, relational/emotional intelligence, kindness, elegance, and the art of being effortlessly beautiful. Those qualities are innate parts of who I am as a person and are essential to accomplishing my soul's mission. But, as beneficial as these qualities may seem, over-reliance of them can be a hindrance and that is something I must learn as I aim to master the spirit of Aries (my North node). The key is balance - there is time for artful collaboration and time for fierce independence.

I feel like I'm learning so much at this time and I feel moved to try to synthesize it all into something more cohesive. As I do that this month, please be patient - postings may not be as frequent but they will probably be more lengthy and intense. Thank you for your patience and please enjoy this short Sailor Moon meme. I saw it on Twitter and it touched me, because I feel like it's advice I don't follow enough in my own life. And that is something I'm working on.