We're All Mad Here ("Where is my mind?" by Safari Riot feat. Grayson Sanders - Pixies Cover)

In case you haven't noticed, we're in the "find out" stage of fucking around. It's the end of the world as we know it - and I feel strangely fine. Since Uranus moved into Gemini, I've felt a new energy. Then I remember I'm a Gemini rising. These are the times I'm built for. Yes, the transit through Taurus sucked. I've beat that dead horse enough. This year, I've had this underlying fear - I was really anxious about the state of the world and a bit scared of the change coming. However, since the end of April, my attitude has flipped. Fuck it, let it all blow up. Like the ending of "Fight Club." I'll get through it - heck, I might even be thriving by the end. 

I've told my coworkers and my friends numerous times - I'm having a really hard time taking any of this seriously anymore. And at the same time, I care even more deeply than I ever did before. It's paradoxical. The Astrology Podcast always has these fantastic phrases for different transits and in their annual forecast for 2026, I remember Austin Coppock describing the March-April-May timeframe as "deadly unserious." Perfect description. We are living in dangerously unserious times. This is going to be a long one so I invite you to follow me down the rabbit hole.

Poetic Interlude ("In My Dreams" by Walter Meego)

I'm comfort watching "Ugly Betty" at the moment. It's been a long time since I watched the original run and it had been one of my favorite shows during the late 2000s. When I saw it on Netflix, I was stoked. With recent workplace drama, I identify more with Betty now than ever. I feel like being my authentic self makes certain people enjoy my presence more....while simultaneously pissing off others. Others who have more influence than I do. I can't help it. I know I come off as naive, wide-eyed, absurdly optimistic....maybe even a bit bimbo-esque in some cases. Sometimes, my snarkiness gets me in trouble. I often speak before I think, especially when what I have to say sounds really clever in my head. I hang out with the "wrong" people because, to me, they're the right people and they've had my back since I started. Always talking me up, even when I feel like a fraud. I know I don't fit, but I still want to be there. I still feel like it's a part of my story, like how Betty feels for Mode Magazine.

This song plays at the end of an episode in Season 2, when Betty's had one of the worst birthdays ever, except for when her friend, Gio, showed up to give her a surprise because he felt she deserved this fantasy birthday that she dreamed of. When she gets home, her boyfriend, Henry, is sleeping on the couch because he was waiting for her. I know it sounds sweet, but Henry is kind of the reason she had a terrible birthday. He let a certain situation get in the way instead of being there for her. This is the guy who claims he loves her and yet he keeps making all these wrong moves. Watching Season 2 is the most frustrating thing because of their relationship - first, it's the "will they, won't they" trope, then they try to keep the relationship a secret from multiple people (for stupid reasons), and finally, it ends with it just being an altogether shitty relationship because both of them are emotionally stunted. And for the record, I don't care how hot Henry is, I was Team Gio from the moment he stepped on screen. Spoiler alert: She chooses herself over both of them. I know there's a lesson in that, but quite honestly, I don't want to hear it.

The song is....well....dreamy. And it sounds like something that's playing in the back of my mind while I'm thinking of....something else. A fantasy. A hope. A wish. Something that is not my current reality and seems unreal and far away and - in all fairness - highly improbable.

********************

Anyway, I made a New Year's resolution to write two haikus a week this year and I have a bunch I've written. I actually think some of them are good so I wanted to share a few, so you can join in this rollercoaster of a year I'm having. 

Common sources of inspiration include romance and literature...

I dream of your lips

Saying the sweetest nothings, 

Brushing against mine.

Tale as old as time,

Roses, the Beast, and his curse

Remind me of you.

                - Beauty to her Beast

...Office drama that bleeds into world events...

Politics at play,

Gossip tells the raw story

You cannot refute.

               -Bitch Session

The men on Forbes’ list

Choose profit over people.

Unsustainable.

...And, of course, pole class:

Lifting my own weight,

Such exquisite exhaustion

Settles in my bones.

                -A Good Workout

*********************

Last year, I blocked someone who I was mad at. For good reason, mind you, but still...it was childish. We were really close, it was devastating, and it even surprised me when I pressed that button (as well as the emotional outburst that preceded it). It's been several months since I've heard from them but I dream of them from time to time. Recently, I could feel myself starting to get over the anger I had towards them. I thought, "What the hell? Let's unblock them. They probably don't even think about me anymore. They probably won't even notice." I thought it was safe - my IG is private and I don't follow them anymore, so it's not like I'd see their updates. A word of advice - if you blocked someone, just keep them blocked. 

I ended up hurting my own feelings. After unblocking them on Insta, I saw that they went to the same part of CA where I was born - including my literal birthplace - for their birthday. Did they realize that? It's possible. They know a lot about me, because I trusted them. Given how large CA is, it's hard for me to believe it's a coincidence. Was it simply one more thing they did just to get under my skin because they thought I was watching? I don't know, I don't care. Pretty fucked up, if it was, but not shocking. I blocked them initially so I wouldn't see this shit so I blocked them again. I'm just gonna stay mad. I'm clearly not over what happened between us, I'm wise enough to admit it. Might not ever be. As expected, they got angry and blocked me back. Which means they noticed I unblocked them in the first place, which wasn't for very long. Good. That's what I needed. My main reason for unblocking them was so they would have the opportunity to block me. Fair is fair. I was about to ruin my own peace again and they've saved me from that. Thank you, next.

************************

"In My Dreams" Music Video

The Only Way Out is Through ("Desert Song" by My Chemical Romance)

 We'll do a full unveiling of the results of my Spotify Wrapped experiment (results: inconclusive because they changed their fucking algorithm). The next few artists and/or songs I'll be writing about were featured prominently in my Most Played lists. Among the top artists - and standing out like a sore thumb - was My Chemical Romance. Well, of course, they were there. I still have a wide-eyed dream to follow them around on tour someday. And this song - "Desert Song" - has become a particular favorite of mine this past year. This has been a helluva fucking year. There are some good things - bought a house, got a promotion, spent lots of time with family. But interlaced, there's been a lot of not-so-great things - my mom was diagnosed and treated for cancer, my paternal grandfather died, and the promotion wasn't so much of a promotion as it was a punishment for being good at my job. I've been moving at breakneck speed since this year started and this holiday season has felt like a high-speed train derailment. 

We hold in our hearts

The sword and the faith

Swelled up from the rain clouds

Move like a wraith

This song is about looking back at everything you've been through and still forging ahead with hope. When they started, the members of My Chemical Romance were going through it. Death, mental illness, addiction - it comes across in their music, but it was a dark road. And I know some people reading this may understand the feeling - wondering how you're still alive after everything, amazed you made it through life so far with the way you were living it. It's about how you carry on, even when it's hard to do.

The vocals on this track aren't pretty, but they fit the song well. Apparently, Gerard Way got wasted before recording it and tried to sing drunk. I think that's pretty obvious during certain parts, where the words get slurred together. In spite of its flaws, though, the emotion comes through and is what makes this song hit so hard. It's sad but there's parts that sound hopeful and wistful. The most hopeful lyric, to me, is "I can see you anytime in my head." It hints at just the right amount of delusion needed to get through a tough day. There's rumors that Way wrote it when he was suicidal and I can hear that. Sometimes, I lay on the floor of my bedroom, imagining the blood running out, this song playing in my head. The real thing isn't an option because 1) it scares me (as it should) and 2) I could never do that to my children. But still, when I'm pretending, the biggest emotion I feel is relief. That's when I realize I'm just really tired (you can hear that in the song, too), pick myself off the floor and go wash my face.

Well after all, we'll lie another day

And through it all, we'll find some other way

To carry on through cartilage and fluid

And did you come to stare or wash away the blood?

I saw a pithy Instagram quote recently that I've found comforting in these troubled times: "If you're going through Hell, keep going." Attributed to Winston Churchill, most likely trying to pacify the British public as they were being relentlessly bombed by the Nazis. It reminds me of something I wrote once - thoughts from a long-forgotten character who was trying to run from her Fate (or at least, her Fate as I had written it). She's trying to run away from some G-men types who were trying to take her away but she's stuck in her house. I'll summarize, because I don't remember exactly what I wrote, but....do me a favor, and fill in the details with the best writing you can imagine a 20-year-old putting down on paper.

Summary:  A girl encounters suited goons on the threshold of her door. Her parents stand outside, useless, complicit. The only way out is in. She runs inside her house but there's nowhere to go. They follow her. She sees the staircase. The only way out is up. She runs up the staircase, but again, there's nowhere to go. She runs to her room and looks around frantically. Her eyes fall on the window. The only way out is death. She makes to jump out the window but the men get to her before she can. As they are frog-marching her out of her house, to a nondescript black SUV, her mind calms. The only way out is through.

What kind of story was I writing? It was a dystopian novel, about a girl (yes, a girl - she's a teenager when the story starts) who is taken to serve the whims of an authoritarian government. You know - typical early 2000s concerns. I want to say she overcomes and overthrows said tyrannical government, but I know teenaged girls who rebel in such environments usually end up dead. It's funny - all my characters now are considerably more grown, mid-to-late 20s. Maybe even early 30s. Not old, but not so naïve anymore. So how do they end up in the story? Why are they the main character and not someone smarter, younger, more full of life? They aren't the Chosen One, just the one that chose to be there, for better or worse. Moral of the story - choose to be the one that shows up, no matter how crazy the journey becomes. 

Well tonight, will it ever come?

Spend the rest of your days rockin' out just for the dead

Well tonight, will it ever come?

I can see you awake anytime in my head

All fall down, well after all

Every once in a while lately, I'll feel this aching deep in my chest. And I know what it is. It's loneliness. Being the romantic I am, I like to imagine, as I look out my window over the desert, beyond the mountains, past the pecan trees shedding their leaves, there's someone out there listening to this song, feeling the same wretched ache. There's a yearning to be known embodied in this song. To be seen, to be heard. To not be forgotten. All the trials the band went through together, all the hardship and rejection one must face as an artist - whether it be music or writing or any other type of artistic expression - is summed up in one lyric. Will it ever come? This could be talking about death, but I think most people think of it in the context of the things they want most in their lives. Success, companionship, wealth. And in the depths of their despair, the doubt comes rolling in like a thunderstorm. Is it all worth it? It may not be, but in order to make it worth it, you have to go through these doldrums to come through the other side.

Sorry for the melancholic, discombobulated post right before Christmas. I've been going through a lot of feelings, mostly because I've been stressed out at work and at home. It doesn't really feel like Christmas to me this year - very similar to how I felt in 2020. It's just been one of those years that I'm a little shocked to see I've made it through. That we've made it through. (Congratulations, by the way.) I've heard similar sentiments from other people, from work and in my pole classes....2023 can fuck all the way off. Am I optimistic about 2024? Eh, not really, but there's reasons behind that which I'll go into at another time. Regardless, I hope you have a Merry Christmas!

Footnote:  I highly recommend the latest episode of The Astrology Podcast. It's about Saturn in each of the signs and the music that comes out during each Saturn transit. Not surprisingly, a lot of emo music (including this song and the album it should've been on..."Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge") came out during Saturn in Cancer. Saturn in Cancer also had a lot of music inspired by mother figures, and it's interesting to note that the song that put MCR into the mainstream was "Helena," which was about Gerard and Mikey Way's grandmother. There is so much astrological and music goodness in this episode, so definitely check it out!

"Desert Song" Video

A Much Belated Birthday Post ("Getting Older" by Billie Eilish)

I turned 35 exactly half a year ago, today. And the fact that this post is coming so late says everything about where I am right now. The tenor of the song is different, too. Usually, I pick up-tempo, tongue-in-cheek references to pure Jessica-ness, like "California Girls" (Beach Boys or Katy Perry, take your pick), "22" by Taylor Swift, or - of course - my namesake, "Jessica" by the Allman Brothers. But none of those fit for this year. And for someone who loves her birthday and isn't one of those people who dreads aging, my birthday this year felt almost like an unbirthday. Because I had recently started a new job, I didn't take my birthday off (every employer gets one birthday when I work). And then the rest of the year kind of snuck up on me. Because that's what happens....life sneaks up on you.

I'm getting older, I think I'm aging well

I wish someone had told me I'd be doing this by myself

There's reasons that I'm thankful, there's a lot I'm grateful for

But it's different when a stranger's always waiting at your door

Which is ironic 'cause the strangers seem to want me more

Than anyone before (anyone before)

Too bad they're usually deranged

Coincidentally, today is also the Movie Star's birthday. Being the pathetically hopeless romantic that I am, I used to think that being born on the 6th day of the month exactly 6 months apart meant something once. Now, I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean anything (except that our natal Sun placements - 13/14° Cancer vs Capricorn - are exactly opposite). But I do remember that it's his birthday, because I have a head for birthdays. In my moving frenzy last Winter, I came across a journal entry lamenting the fact that I will never forget that today is his birthday. Melodramatic and silly...I now know I remember everyone's birthday because I'm that girl. The girl who will always learn people's birthdays (sometimes through trickery and subterfuge, if necessary), remember them, and wish them well. And now I'm extra dangerous, because I also calculate everyone's sun sign the minute I learn their birthday. This obsession with birthdays and birth charts is a quirk of mine from childhood and (for me) it never gets old.

Another person's birthday who I've being entranced with recently is V.E. Schwab, who was born the day after me and has a very similar birth chart, except that (due to being born a day later) she has Mars in Leo, instead of the last degree of Cancer. I even looked up her rising sign, which is supposedly Virgo. That's another bit of similarity, because that means we're both Mercury ruled. Unfortunately, I feel as if my Mercury-dominance is a bit scattered when it comes to writing and hers is very, very focused. She's quite prolific and has written several (20+) books and graphic novels. She is very much who I'd like to become some day, if I ever get my shit together. As much as I admire V.E. Schwab, I've only read one of her books - "The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue" - which, when I read it last Summer (during the week of our birthdays, actually), it got me thinking about the Movie Star. There's something about the way she wrote Henry Strauss, one of the main characters in the novel, that I couldn't help but picture him when I read it. Maybe it's the physical description she provides - dark hair, green eyes, Jewish heritage with a German last name. And I know he lived in New York at some point after graduation, so it makes me wonder if V.E. Schwab met him once. Or maybe she just saw him walking down the street, ridiculously tall (like 6'3") in a wool pea coat, which always suited him well. She didn't quite get his personality, though. No, his personality and his sorrows are more fitting for someone else. But he did have sad eyes and his whole face lit up when he smiled. Memory is a curious thing. There are few people I remember in such vivid detail and we weren't even really friends. I can even imagine what his voice sounded like when I knew him and that's always the first thing to go. It's frustrating because, while I remember the Movie Star so well, I'm losing pieces of people I desperately want to remember.

Today also happens to be a Full Moon in Cancer (aka, the Wolf Moon) - right on top of my natal Sun placement, mind you - and it's an excellent time for reflections, revelations, and emotional release. Memories - and having a particularly sharp memory - is a topic and trait closely associated with Cancerian nature. In an attempt to squeeze some brilliance out of this old grapefruit, my main intention for this year is to do daily morning pages. I wake up around 430 am in order to make time to do this and, as you can imagine, this gives me ample time for some prime navel gazing. I've been scraping the bottom of the barrel of my psyche - really digging that spatula into nooks and crannies - trying to figure out why this fucker keeps showing up in my dreams and my thoughts every few months. I think I finally understand. He never properly broke my heart. Sure, he rejected me and that sucked. Well, technically, I confessed my feelings to him and he said "I don't know," which I eventually concluded was a "no." But he could've easily taken advantage of how I felt about him and he didn't. The confusing signals and awkward flirting with me stopped, because I wouldn't have been so bold if I hadn't thought he reciprocated. He didn't keep me close so I could stroke his ego when he was feeling down. He didn't even try to be friends with me afterwards which, in hindsight, I'm really grateful for. It's cruel to try to force a friendship on someone who feels more intensely than you do, who wants more than that. Just peruse TikTok and Instagram to get a brief taste of how much emotional damage a "situationship" can cause.  No, I kept a respectful distance and he did the same. He may have rejected me but he never hurt me. As such, he serves as a beautiful, milquetoast security blanket that my mind goes to when thinking about more difficult things I'm going through. And for someone who often came off as full of himself, he was genuinely kind in a delicate situation. For that, I wish him well and hope he gets all the good things he deserves.

I know that was a crazy rant. We took a few left turns, so I'll try to get back on track. Let's talk about the song. As of this blog post, Billie Eilish is only 21 years old. This is the opening song to her album, "Happier Than Ever," which came out at the end of 2021. That means she was, at most, 19 years old when she wrote "Getting Older." Riddle me this - how does a 19-year-old write a song that perfectly describes where I (a 35-going-on-36 year old woman) am at in my own life? Obviously, she's much more self-aware than I was at 19. Keep in mind - the whole scenario with the Movie Star happened when I was 19, so clearly....I was a shit show. But I'm not sure I was this soul weary. Except for the time I went to Mass by myself and then cried for hours because I couldn't fake being a Catholic anymore (I'll call that fun escapade my Witch Awakening). Well, even if I wasn't soul weary then, I'm certainly feeling it now. My favorite lyrics are in the following verse (bolded for emphasis):

Last week, I realized I crave pity

When I retell a story, I make everything sound worse

Can't shake the feeling that I'm just bad at healing

And maybe that's the reason every sentence sounds rehearsed

Which is ironic because when I wasn't honest, I was still being ignored

(Lying for attention just to get neglection)

Now we're estranged

Can't shake the feeling that I'm just bad at healing. That line struck me because I feel it so often. Especially when I go over things in my mind - like the incident with the Movie Star - I just want to scream because why am I thinking about it when I don't care anymore? And that's the shit I can laugh at now. With things that feel fresher and more raw, I worry that I won't ever get over them, no matter how much therapy and shadow work I do. Why. Can't. I. Just. Get. Over. It. As I've said before, I'd really like to get to the not caring part because I hate to be the one who was hurt more. Trusting the process only gets you so far.

I'm getting older, I've got more on my shoulders

But I'm getting better at admitting when I'm wrong

I'm happier than ever, at least that's my endeavor

To keep myself together and prioritize my pleasure

'Cause to be honest, I just wish that what I promise

Would depend on what I'm given (not on his permission)

(Wasn't my decision) to be abused, mmm

I've taken on this whole "healing" endeavor because my children deserve a mom who is whole. I want them to have a better childhood than I had. The crazy thing is, I'm kind of grateful for the things I've been through. Would I want to go through them again or wish a similar experience on anyone? No, absolutely not. But I can see how it shaped the things I love best about myself. And as I get older, I'm able to view my mom with a more compassionate lens. It's not easy being a mother who feels like she's taking care of three girls by herself. Add a serious undiagnosed mental illness on top of that? Well, let's say things could've ended up much worse. It easily could've turned into an Andrea Yates situation. Or she could've abandoned us. Yet, as many times as she ran away, she always took us with her. I wish she had been happier when I was growing up. I wish she had more help. I wish she had asked for more help. Another pithy Instagram quote going around is "Just because my mother didn't break all generational curses didn't mean she broke none." I know that's confusing to read. I know she was doing her best with the hand she was dealt. Since I know better, I have to be better. Which includes becoming happier than ever, keeping myself together, and prioritizing my pleasure. Wise advice from a 19-year-old.

But next week, I hope I'm somewhere laughing

For anybody asking, I promise I'll be fine

I've had some trauma, did things I didn't wanna

Was too afraid to tell ya, but now, I think it's time

To wrap up this oddly emotional post, Billie ends the song talking about what she hopes for her future (as well as setting up the premise for the whole album). Throughout the album, "Happier Than Ever," Eilish recounts some of the trauma she endured. The songs are essentially mini-vignettes of her life. It's a fucking great album - I think it was rated as one of the best in 2021 - and the thing that makes great art is vulnerability. Ironically, the thing that helps most with "healing" is being able to tell your story. She alludes to this in the final lyric. I think we often hold back our feelings and avoid telling our story because we're afraid of hurting someone else or getting in trouble for what you reveal. But it's your story. We're allowed to express how we feel. We're allowed to tell the story how we experienced it, other people's feelings be damned. And, as an adult, we should be able to handle the fall out. I can write about the Movie Star because I love the dumb, dramatic girl who writes histrionic love letters to boys who flirt with everybody. It's part of who I am now, for better or worse. Even if recounting it makes me seem crazy. Well, it took a long time for me to fall in love with my crazy. And I know, eventually, I'll be able to write about the things that are hurting now. When it's time.

"Getting Older" Official Lyric Video

Out with the Old, In with the New ("Anti-Hero" by Taylor Swift)

 For the transition from 2022 to 2023, I've chosen the first single from the "Midnights" album. In my opinion, "Anti-Hero" - much like "Blank Space" from the "1989" album - demonstrates a level of self-awareness that is nearly unheard of in a celebrity of Swift's caliber (or even in normal people....let's face it, we're all stuck in the Matrix). I would expect nothing less of a Scorpio Rising. Taylor Swift is aware of how she is perceived - that any act of kindness she does is performative and she's really just a money-hungry bitch. It's easy to worry about that kind of reputation because she seems like the type of person who would be afraid that - on some level - it's true. I can relate - like Taylor, my Sun is in the 2nd House (House of Financial Assets and Values) and I derive a lot of my self-worth from my income and ability to provide for my family. Some people think this comes off as "money-oriented" and maybe even greedy. However, in my mind, Money is equal to Freedom. Money may not buy happiness, but having financial sovereignty does allow you the freedom to live a life that makes you happy. It also buys Time, which becomes more precious as I grow older. One of the benefits of the company I work at is that they give us half of the federal holidays at the end of the year. So instead of being off for Columbus Day (which is a shit holiday anyway), I've had this entire week between Christmas and New Year's Day to spend with my children. And the great thing is I don't even miss those shitty holidays because a 9/80 work week is standard here, so I usually have two Fridays off a month anyway. I don't need them and yet I still feel like I have a better grasp on work/life balance than during the first 10 years of my career, when I had less responsibilities. And it's one of the reasons why I don't intend to leave this company any time soon - that extra time (that I don't have to use my own PTO for) is worth it.

I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser

Midnights become my afternoons

When my depression works the graveyard shift

All of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room

I love the chorus (I think everyone does, because that's what's used in all the TikToks and IG reels). It's me. Hi. I'm the problem, it's me. It's meant to be kind of sarcastic but it's also an uncomfortable truth we have to face sometimes. If you keep dating the same type of dirtbag or end up in the same toxic situations, eventually you realize that you're making choices based off flawed subconscious beliefs. This is kind of the point of therapy - it forces you to look at your blind spots that result in the choices you make. It's why people don't like therapy. Because if you admit there's something you are doing that is causing your own pain, then you also have to take responsibility for making the change. You can only change once you're self-aware - when you can accurately see yourself in your entirety, not just the parts you want to see. I'm not saying you won't discover good things - a lot of what my therapist did was reflecting back and validating my good traits that I would disregard. You've got to take accountability for all of it, the good and the bad. "Anti-Hero" is primarily about taking accountability for the bad. And when you focus on that, yeah, you kind of start to think, "My God! Why do these people like me? What the fuck is wrong with them?!" Hold on, Batman, let's stare directly into the mirror a little longer. You'll see it, too. Eventually.

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
At tea time, everybody agrees
I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

I guess the main point of this post is that I'm trying to go into 2023 a little more self-aware. That's the goal - to always be a better version of myself. Part of that is recognizing my shadow and integrating it more fully. Admit where I've made mistakes and where I'm still in the learning process, but also recognizing where I've grown. And I've grown a lot this year. As a mother, as a cybersecurity analyst, as a writer, and as a person. I guess this is the point where I go into the "Greatest Hits of 2022," of which, there are many. I started out this year moving to a state I love (Arizona) - it still takes my breath away when the glow of the sunset hits the Catalina Foothills. I reconnected with my best friend from high school, which was wonderful. I went to see My Chemical Romance after two long years of waiting - definitely a bucket list item, especially since we all thought they were disbanded for good. I started this year barely being able to do a Chopper (Invert) on pole and now I'm doing moves that are way more advanced than anything I was doing in 2021.

I read 30 books this year, which is way more than the goal of 12 I set for 2022. Here are a few of my favorites: 

NOTE:  I know 30 books seems like a lot but I know people who have read 100+ books this year. In some cases, reviewing books is their job and, in most cases, they don't have children. Trying not to judge myself by this standard because, honestly, I'm pleasantly surprised and grateful I had time to read anything this year.

1. "The Beautiful Ones" by Silvia Moreno-Garcia
2. "Where the Crawdads Sing" by Delia Owens
3. "The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue" by V.E. Schwab
4. "Kindred" by Octavia Butler
5. Basically anything by Ali Hazelwood

As Spotify will tell you, I listen to a lot of music. However, their Unwrapped playlist for me is frontloaded with the songs I have in my warm-up playlist (good beats and shorter songs), which is always going to get a lot of airplay. Here is a short list of the songs I was actually the most obsessed with this year:

• "Desire" by Meg Myers
• "Lower" by TENDER
• "Tear You Apart" by She Wants Revenge
• "Fire for You" by Cannons
• "Kiss Me More" by Doja Cat, feat. SZA
• "Girls Your Age" by Transviolet
• "Running Up That Hill (A Deal with God)" by Lo Spirit
• "Big Energy" by Latto
• "She" by Harry Styles

And, to start off the year, my current can't get enough of song right now is "Die for You" by The Weekend.

Overall, I'm starting off 2023 much happier than I was at the beginning of 2022, but there's a lot I'd still like to change. For one, reconnecting with my bestie from high school reminded me how much I miss having a close friend. Preferably one that doesn't roll their eyes when I start talking about ghosts and astrology. And, although she's not biologically a mother, she took care of her niece and nephew for the better part of the pandemic so she understands how difficult it is raising kids AND trying to heal from her own lackluster childhood, i.e., where I find myself today. It was nice talking to someone who could relate to my experiences, because I'm finding that a lot of my peers are either too young for kids (Gen Z types) or are childless by choice (which includes my sisters). In addition to that, I find myself missing someone who is no longer in my life anymore in any meaningful way. I'm having a hard time letting things just be how they are. I feel lonely way more than I wish I did, though it gets better when I go to pole class. At least people know me there and I have classmates/instructors that I regularly see and who notice when I'm gone. I'm hoping my network and my friendships will expand in the new year but until then, I'm learning how to be okay alone.

Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby

And I'm a monster on the hill

Too big to hang out, slowly lurching toward your favorite city

Pierced through the heart, but never killed

Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism

Like some kind of congressman? (Tale as old as time)

I wake up screaming from dreaming

One day I'll watch as you're leaving

And life will lose all its meaning

(For the last time)

After listening to several astrology podcasts and predictions for 2023, I've decided that the theme for 2023 is Aligning to the Vision. For me, this means focusing a lot more on writing, specifically on finishing projects and improving on them. A little less ranting about T-Swift, a little more poetry and prose. I'm also dead set on getting to Level 3 at my pole studio. For context, most people quit pole before they even graduate Level 1. Level 2 is when you start focusing more on strength moves and it's gets really hard if you're not naturally strong....and it's considerably more dangerous, because you start flipping upside down and doing more stuff aerially (i.e., higher up on the pole). Given how much progress I've made so far, I think reaching Level 3 before my next birthday is a real possibility. 

Let's roll up this post (and this year) with the "Anti-Hero" video. T-Swift is haunted by the worst version of herself, as well as her mistakes and insecurities. But she's actively trying to make peace with them. She gets to attend her funeral and watch her children fight over her fortune (perhaps implying that she fully intends to make little Swifties once she and Joe Alwyn get married). Just like all her other videos, it's iconic and visionary, in a way only Taylor Swift could create.

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
It's me, hi, everybody agrees, everybody agrees

Happy New Year! Welcome to 2023.

"Anti-Hero" Video

"Dust to Dust" by The Civil Wars

I've been unmotivated to write here lately. Not uninspired - the words and ideas are still flowing. But to do what I want with this blog requires a lot of research and work. And it's hard for me to work right now. I forget how loud my mind gets when I'm not writing a lot. Especially when my consumption of information (reading and learning from podcasts or videos) does not match my creative output - my brain just retains too much. And it feels heavy. It weighs me down, even though it feels like it's moving so fast. It's frustrating, because I'm working so hard to feel better, but it still feels like I'm just treading water. So this one goes out to those who are feeling lost and lonely tonight - I'm with you, my friends.

It's not your eyes

It's not what you say

It's not your laughter

That gives you away

You're just lonely

You've been lonely too long

All your acting, your thin disguise

All your perfectly delivered lines

They don't fool me

You've been lonely too long

I've said it before, but I love The Civil Wars. Definitely a must-have band for any Southern Gothic playlist you might be building. Their music combines two things I adore in music - duets and folksy love songs. And bonus points for the spooky melodies in their repertoire, of which there are many. "Dust to Dust" is not particularly spooky, but it expresses a sentiment I think we all understand from time to time. When you're sad and lonely, there is nothing better than finding someone who makes you feel seen, heard, and understood. There's nothing that heals the soul so much as a deep connection. That's the dream, right? To find the one person who you truly connect with. Who gets it, gets all your weird thoughts and squirmy feelings, and likes you anyway. Someone who it is safe to be your authentic self with. I would argue this is extremely rare and, thus, incredibly special. 

Let me in the walls

You've built around

We can light a match

And burn them down

Let me hold your hand

And dance 'round and 'round the flames

In front of us

Dust to dust

You're like a mirror, reflecting me

Takes one to know one, so take it from me

You've been lonely

You've been lonely too long

We've been lonely

We've been lonely too long

During my research today, I learned that, unfortunately, the Civil Wars broke up in 2014. Not only that, but it was an especially brutal break up. To the point where they don't even talk anymore! When Joy Williams and J.P. White met up in 2009, they had incredible chemistry as a creative duo and quickly started churning out hits. A lot of people assumed this chemistry went deeper, which is understandable - when they performed, it seemed like they were the only two people in the world. So in sync. Even in the video for "Dust to Dust," you can see how much they enjoy being around each other - that's just them hanging out in Paris, no acting needed. People love a salacious backstory, and most performers are willing to give it to them. But here's the thing about chemistry, from a former actress (myself) - it can be faked and it often is by people who don't have the best of intentions. And even if it's real, it burns out quick if there's nothing substantial sustaining it. And if you have both but it's not controlled? It spirals into chaos and ignites everything, to the point of destruction, if you allow it. I'm almost certain they are telling the truth - that they weren't making anything together except music - but the rumors tore them apart anyway. No one knows the situation except them. But it sure is hard to ignore how he looks at her....

It's fun to speculate, but I'm going to still hold out hope that one day, they'll reconcile. Their music is just too good. And J.P. White is my kind of hot - like a Southern Johnny Depp. Which is ridiculous to say, because - fun fact - Johnny Depp was actually born and raised in the South (Kentucky). So, basically, I prefer a more sober version of Johnny Depp. I've found myself in a Civil Wars click hole on YouTube because it's inspiring the story at the heart of one of my writing projects. The one that's going to take a couple years to birth. I should probably get working on that....

"Dust to Dust" Video

"How Bizarre" by OMC (Happy New Year's Eve!)

2020, my friend, it's been a ride.

I had this thought at the beginning of December and felt it was the right way to start this post. And, logically, my next thought was I needed the perfect song to commemorate the end of this historically fucked up year. Since I had a month to think about it, I didn't worry too much about it. But later that morning, I was commenting to my coworker about how backwards our processes are now. I had to call attention to the irony that, prior to this year, you needed a doctor's note to be out sick and now, we need a doctor's note to come back to work. All of a sudden, this song popped into my head. And, as all divinely inspired things are, it was perfect.

Destination unknown, as we pull in for some gas

Freshly pasted poster reveals a smile from the past

Here's the thing - my ability to see the humor in the absurdity of this shared delusion we call reality is probably the main reason I'm alive today. I thank the Universe every day that I have Saturn in Sagittarius because if I had been born a half year earlier (Saturn in Scorpio) or a few years later (Saturn in Capricorn), I don't know what I'd do with myself. Our Saturn in Scorpio friends are crying and listening to the Smiths on repeat while the Saturn in Capricorn guys are counting their pennies and being angry things aren't working out. Meanwhile, us Saturn in Sagittarius folks are sandwiched in the middle, saying "Man, this sucks - but God is a DJ, Life is the dance floor, Love is the rhythm, You are the music." And if you don't get that, you clearly don't have any Sag placements. And yes, those are song lyrics. True story: While writing this, I was like "before I publish that, I should check if Pink even has any Sag placements." And - wouldn't you know it? - she's a Sagittarius Rising. It's the little things that make me think I may actually know what I'm fucking talking about sometimes.

Wonder Girl, in her analysis of this week's Full Moon in Cancer, said something that struck me as applicable to this entire year with the thugs in Capricorn. All signs have good and bad, and it's how you choose to use the energy that matters. When Capricorn is at its worst, it can be entirely focused (even obsessed) with appearances. All the blood, meat, and bones underneath could be rotting but as long as it looks good on the outside, Capricorn doesn't give a shit. It's like getting a facelift when your body is riddled with cancer. Or, for an example from the US headlines, the stock market is at an all time high but our economic fundamentals are worse than the Great Depression. Or that as much as 50% of COVID cases are asymptomatic so you have tons of people walking about with a highly contagious disease but they don't "look sick." I could pull even more examples from recent US history where we did things that seemed good at face-value but had devastating consequences (I'm looking at you '94 Crime Bill). And just so y'all don't think I'm dragging Capricorn, I'll rag on my own sign as its foil - Cancer has a tendency to make things too deep and see things that aren't there, to the point where it's delusional (Guilty!) and results in taking actions that look insane from the outside (like, say, telling your followers to not trust the election results if you don't win....yes, Trump has a few Cancer placements). Just underscoring that we need to find balance because extremes are destructive - both the inside and the outside need to be healthy for an organism/society to function. It ain't that deep...but it ain't that shallow either.

We're making moves and starting grooves before they knew we were gone

Jumped into the Chevy and headed for big lights

Wanna know the rest? Hey, buy the rights...

Regardless of how you feel about 2020, it has been an interesting year to be alive in. This year has been one for the history books in more ways than we know. And, assuming we all live through tonight, when you're old, you know you're going to be telling "I lived through 2020" stories. It almost makes all the bullshit worth it. What did I tell you about Jupiter in Capricorn last year? "The luck is more in seeing the lesson for what it is, not that you'll get anything tangible out of the experiences you have." This year may have sucked but - if you were doin' it right - you grew as a fucking person. And that's the only surefire way to know if a year was good or not - Did I grow as a person? I don't know about you, but by that measuring stick, 2020 was fucking great year for me. And I'm prepared to finish out the rest of my 8 year (the Year of Inner Strength) with grace, enthusiasm, and just a touch of gallows humor. With that, let's sum up some of the chaos of 2020.

Music: Holy shit, did 2020 turn out some great music! It seems like everyone from Anti-Flag to Zebra Katz (yes, I went through the whole list to find an artist that started with Z) released an album. Even some dead folks released albums (RIP Mac Miller). Over a thousand (approximately 1036) albums were released over the course of 2020 - and those are just albums with notable coverage! By comparison, 2019 had 743 notable album releases and 2018 only had 443. I can't go through every album that was released but it's an impressive list. Classic 80s and 90s bands, like Green Day and the Pet Shop Boys had new work. Pop heavyweights like Ariana Grande and Meghan Trainor dropped some good shit. There was literally every kind of musical assistance available to get everyone through this year. As I mentioned, Taylor Swift released two albums that comprise easily her best work. She plays a lute on the album version of "Willow" - The Bitch plays a Fucking Lute!!! She's also very openly embracing the witch label - all of her "Willow" remixes have names like "dancing witch version" or "lonely witch version," as well as her increasing use in recent years of witchy themes/aesthetics for her lyrics and videos. And I'm so here for it - you do you, Taylor. (Please note I use the term "bitch" with the fondest endearment, because I personally take that word as a compliment.) And Dave Grohl had a legit drumming battle/rivalry with an amazing little English girl. This may be the musical revolution we were all hoping for but hadn't come to fruition until now. 

The Election: Trump will probably be considered one of the worst presidents in history - a title he worked hard for and has earned. But, in my mind, he does have one success that no other president in recent history can claim. He made the American people actually give a shit. This year was the highest voter turnout (by percentage of the eligible voting population) in over 120 years! People voted, even with the risk of potentially dying looming over them. It's almost a miracle. No - it is a miracle. Not that people voted him out (personally, I was expecting 4 more years, even with the pandemic) but getting people to stop being so apathetic about the outcomes of their choices and how they affect others. How people started grasping that personal choices in the present affect the future in real ways. It's all very Aquarian, if I may point it out. While I was somewhat relieved Biden won, I'm concerned we'll become complacent again and nothing truly will be repaired. But the only thing I can control is myself and I intend to be just as critical with Biden's choices as I was with Trump. 

COVID-19: The pandemic has changed how we function in society on so many levels and will probably continue to change our lives for years to come. It has altered how we stay connected when being physically together is not an option. It has uncovered the cracks in our approach to healthcare. It has given us an entirely new perspective on how to balance the work-life equation. For many people, it has forced them to take an honest look at their closest relationships. For others, it has taught them who they are when they have no other choice than to be alone. Not all of these have been happy or easy lessons, but they are necessary for progress. And of course, many of us have lost loved ones or know people who have lost loved ones to the virus. Those deaths are painful to deal with and, in my opinion, most were not necessary at all. We're going to look back at the handling of the pandemic for years, shaking our heads and saying "mistakes were made." But the important thing is that we commit to not making those mistakes again.

Personal Growth: Rather than doom scrolling this year, a lot of people decided to use their time stuck at home to work on themselves. People took classes, tried out new hobbies they've never had time for, read books that were gathering dust on the shelves, and spent a lot of time on projects that weren't necessarily income-generating. Some people realized how social they really were and learned how to reach out for connection. Others learned how to enjoy their alone time. I have this theory (it's one most psychologists and therapists share) that if you work on yourself, other things - relationships, careers, projects, society as a whole - start to get better. And if things aren't getting better in a certain area as you focus more on your own self-actualization, it's probably because a major change needs to occur in that area. Yes, I do apply this to my own major depressive episode. I thought I was doing all the work but I got to a point where I couldn't do it by myself. That was my thing - vacillating between codependence and extreme independence. I'm learning how to be interdependent, which has me doing really brave things, like fully trusting people to handle their responsibilities, being vulnerable about how I feel, and actively asking for connection instead of assuming it will come to me. Doesn't sound very scary? Fucking try it first and then get back to me.

Spirituality: Finally, the last thing I'll mention is that witchcraft and New Age practices like tarot, astrology, and numerology, have never been as widely accepted as they are now. Every day, I see more and more baby witches, sorcerers, heathens, pagans, etc. openly embrace the call for a different way of understanding the world. A way that weaves together the mystical and mundane, the scientific and the spiritual. It's something I always wanted to see when I was a naïve yet already spiritually jaded teenager. The amount of validation I feel is palpable. It took nearly 20 years for me to see it in my lifetime but it's so worth it. More books on the occult and esoteric come out every day and I wish I could buy every one of them. But I should probably read the ones I already have (which takes up two shelves in my book case). It's one of the things I'm grateful for as we move into the New Year.

A few posts ago, I mentioned I had a deep desire to "find the others," to quote Gordon White. If you're reading this, I'm pretty sure you're the Others. Lucky you.

As I've mentioned, I've created a "Party Like It's the End of the World" mix - it's a work in progress but I'm sharing it anyway. Happy New Year!

"How Bizarre" Video

"That I Would Be Good" by Alanis Morissette

Today, we have a Full Moon in Cancer. This is a special Full Moon because, not only is the Moon in her home sign, but this is also the first time in about two years when being the Full Moon in Cancer is not being eclipsed. Lunar eclipses are a debilitating transit for the moon, because her light is literally being blocked. As such, eclipses are often associated with times of emotional turmoil and the need to do inner work. Likewise, Cancer is the most closely linked with the idea of unconditional love. Cancer is the sign of mothers and a mother's love is supposed to be unconditional. Unfortunately, there are many of us (too many) who did not have that experience. This is why I'm in favor of people getting counseling before having a baby. Before even getting married, because the desire, or lack thereof, to have children is (or should be) a deal-breaker. Same for a lot of other incompatibility issues, like different core values or life goals. That's where unconditional self-love comes in. Without it, we learn to ignore our intuition (another Cancer theme) in these situations. 

::WARNING:: I am about to get super ranty. The Full Moon is conjunct my natal Mercury Retrograde in Cancer and there's a fullness to my understanding of the lessons 2020 has taught me. Not an excuse, merely an explanation of how events may interact with your chart through observing my own transits. Largely a personal rant - I'm in the process of planning out a more fitting home for this type of content but until then, this is my void to scream into. Consider this Part 1 of my on-going postmortem for 2020. ::END::

I knew something had gone terribly wrong when I stopped praying. Completely stopped for two weeks. Which, it may surprise you, I have never done. My idea of God may have changed, I may have stopped feeling the need to go to church, but I've never lost my hope and faith. Suddenly, it was gone. That's how I knew this was the "abyss" they keep talking about, the one that stares back. And I knew I'd never been here before. I stopped eating - I was only eating about 200-400 calories a day and that was because I knew I was "supposed to" eat. I didn't even drink that much water. The will just wasn't there. I couldn't sleep and when I did, I had terrible nightmares. I was crying multiple times a day. But it was the loss of faith and feeling of disconnection that made me realize that it wasn't manageable. And moreover, that I was making it worse by holding on to behaviors and beliefs that were no longer serving me. When I needed help the most, I found myself almost incapable of asking for what I needed.

That I would be good, even if I did nothing

An influencer who I admire, Anna Akana, does videos that basically discuss the things she's learned on her personal journey. Often, she goes over the things she's taken out of therapy and I really appreciate when influencers do this because it normalizes going to therapy, even when you're not in crisis-mode. Anna did this video in which she confesses she realized she hates herself (or she did at the time of the video - seriously, watch it...it's so good). However, you wouldn't have thought that when looking at her, because she physically takes care of herself, is kind and supportive to her friends, and seems like she has everything together. But, if you could hear the thoughts in her head, she was subjecting herself cruel, hypercritical, abusive statements daily. Things like "that comment was so stupid, why do you even talk?" And, from my perspective on the opposite side of YouTube, I was like "oh god...it's me." I came to that same realization years ago and have been working on it, but as I settled into a major depressive episode, self-hate came back with a vengeance. I grew up in a household where, if one person wasn't happy, no one was happy. That translated into a belief that my happiness (and related feelings, needs, and desires) doesn't matter. Moreover, I needed to suppress my needs and wants in order to make others happy or I would be unsafe/abandoned/neglected. Yes, I have had the thought (on multiple occasions) that I'm just not one of those people who gets to be happy (i.e., I don't deserve to be happy). My friends, I cannot tell you how self-destructive that belief is. I'm going to say this loud because I know someone out there needs to hear it: Who you had to become to survive is not who you are. Read that again, then learn it, live it, love it.

That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth

When I first accepted I was in a dark place I needed to get out of, I picked up a Postpartum Depression Workbook. The exercises have been helpful and one of those was to create my own affirmations to say when I start having negative self-talk. Full disclosure: I'm not good at affirmations. I'm not good at remembering to say/write them in the morning and all the pre-written ones sound like fluffy bunny bullshit. But, I'm leaning in to getting better so I thought, "Fuck it, let's have some fun with this." And that is why one of my affirmations is "I have eyes that pierce men's souls and can summon the dark forces of the Underworld." It makes me smile and I fucking dare anyone to challenge me on it. I see recovery as a process of rebuilding my inner world the way I - and only I - believe it should be. The foundation of how I was living my life - the thoughts I was thinking, the beliefs I was clinging to, the behaviors I was justifying - I had to let it all crumble in order to start fresh, albeit with some of the salvageable materials remaining in the wreckage. This is why the Star (Faith and Hope) comes after the Tower but it doesn't always happen like that. Some people go back to the Devil (Self-destructive patterns and behaviors). Sometimes they have to do that a few times before they move forward. Maybe they'll keep repeating that cycle for the rest of their lives because they've become so inflexible, they can't see another way. 

That I would be great if I was no longer queen

That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

Some may argue that their negative self-talk pushes them to be better. Sorry, that's highly unlikely. Hypercritical beliefs often keep you locked in fear - fear of failing, fear of fucking up, fear of change, and ultimately, fear of trying. It puts a limit on what you can accomplish. One of my main insecurities was that I am a terrible writer with nothing worth saying, and it kept me in my head and not writing. Lately, however, I've been writing nonstop. And, unfortunately for you, dear reader, I don't really care if it's shit anymore. Barely a fraction of it gets to this blog. I've created a file called "Keep Your Crazy Here" (which would be an amazing title for an edgy self-help book/memoir) where I keep all my half-baked thoughts that aren't refined enough for general consumption or are awaiting purpose for other projects. And even if no one else reads those words in my lifetime, I can be content in knowing I've given them a home, rather than let them die forgotten. Self-hate was blocking my inner flow. You can't hear your intuition or realize your magic through the haze of self-hatred. This is why meditation, grounding/centering, journaling (via a Book of Shadows), and shadow work are considered vital when beginning the journey into witchcraft (or any type of spiritual practice). It's why Julia Cameron leans so heavily on them in "The Artist's Way." These are tools of self-love. The Great Work is crafting your ideal life and best self, but the process of alchemy is learning to love all the people you were/are while getting to that point. 

That I would be loved even when I numb myself

That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed

One thing I've noticed when I started changing my self-talk from coming from a hypercritical place to one of self-love is that it became easier to stand up for myself. It became easier to recognize the people who sounded like the voice fueling my self-hate. At some point, you start calling people on their bullshit, their inconsistencies, their insecurities - and it's not from a mean place. It's not like you've bottled it up and built a sack of resentment to throw at them when it gets too heavy. Nope, you notice how you feel in the moment and you point out how their behavior makes you feel at the same time. You have the courage to say, "Do you realize how condescending and contemptuous you sound when you talk to me? Well, I do and it makes me feel small and stupid." Only it doesn't take courage anymore because you don't fear them abandoning you. Once you start speaking and acting in your own best interests, you learn to accept that one of two things will happen with the people in your life - 1) they will respect your growth, be happy that you're speaking from a place of honesty, and will try to grow with you; or 2) they will resent you and eventually leave because they can't get away with treating you badly anymore. In either case, you are better off. Even if you can't always be assertive like in my example, you can learn to mentally distance yourself from their negativity so it doesn't affect you as much.

That I would be good

Whether with or without you

Finally, let's talk about today's featured song, "That I Would Be Good." I heard it on - you guessed it - "Dawson's Creek." It's no secret I love Alanis Morissette and this song had a motherly vibe that I felt fit the energy of the Cancer Full Moon. This song was written as Morissette's popularity on the radio was beginning to decline, as the tide turned away from singer-songwriters in a more bubble gum pop direction. It addresses the insecurities and self-doubt she felt during this time. To me, the lyrics sounded like affirmations. Reassurances that she would be okay, no matter what happened. Even if people stopped listening to her music, if she lost all her money, if she gained weight, or if she was dumped by her significant other. It's about remembering you are worthy and enough, no matter what anyone else thinks. A simple song - it's essentially just a poem and the transition in her voice is what carries us over the bridge to the end of the song. It's a fairly brilliant use of vocals. Also, she plays her own flute at the end and chose to keep the electrical buzz that was created by accidentally playing the guitar too close to an amp. Isn't that something Bob Ross used to say? "We don't make mistakes - we just have happy accidents." 

"That I Would Be Good" Video

"Blue Christmas" by Elvis Presley

First off, I am going to admit that, initially, I wasn't going to do a song for Christmas this year. Sorry to be a Scrooge but it doesn't feel like Christmas to me. I've told multiple people as much. I'm doing presents for my babies, because I love them and they deserve a reprieve from the general dreariness of this year, but everyone else can fuck off. I didn't even do gifts for my team, because half of them can't be in the office anyway (we're still doing partial telework). I haven't decorated - instead of putting up a tree, we piled all the presents on the coffee table - and, while dinner will be a little better than usual, the meal I'm planning isn't necessarily something I wouldn't make on a normal weekday. I'm not sure I even want to drive around and look at Christmas lights, which is one of my favorite things. To top it off, it's been unseasonably warm, even for Central Texas. I haven't lived anywhere that would normally have a "white christmas" since I was about 7-years-old, but even in the Southwest, it would be a little chilly out by now. So, no, it just doesn't feel like Christmas to me. And I'm not going to pretend it does, beyond what I want to do for my family.

And when those blue snowflakes start falling

That's when those blue memories start calling

You'll be doing all right

With your Christmas of white

But I'll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas

I was thinking about this song this week, though. I don't know why. Don't get me wrong - I love Elvis but I'm also in the camp that believes "All I Want For Christmas is You" is the greatest Christmas song ever made (it is - don't argue with me). However, I think I did "All I Want For Christmas is You" in a previous year and I don't like to repeat myself. It's a waste of perfectly good Internet. No, I was thinking about "Blue Christmas" because it was the first song I can remember performing in front of people. Like a lot of people - a whole elementary school cafeteria full of people! I was about 9-years-old and I had to perform it (along with the rest of my fourth grade class) for a holiday pageant. This morning, my mother texted the family group chat, declaring that she "remember[s] when Jessica sang Blue Christmas at her school concert." And it's times like this when I wonder if my thoughts are on broadcast for the whole world to hear.

I still know all the words to "Blue Christmas" and can mimic that classic Elvis twang in my sleep. But, at the heart of it, it's a sad Christmas song. It's about not feeling like it's Christmas at all because you can't be with your loved one(s), and it's a sentiment I think a lot of people understand this year. Those people who are trying to be responsible and maintain social distancing measures, at least. I will be doing the now traditional holiday Zoom call with my family. At this point, we've all become skilled at having fun, together but separately. But for someone who has "touch" as one of their primary love languages, it's a poor substitute. And while I'll probably be rehashing this rant with my therapist next week, all I can do now is accept that I'll have a blue - blue, blue, blue - Christmas. But I hope whoever reads this has/had a lovely, safe holiday. Merry Christmas.

"Blue Christmas" Video

"It's All Been Done" by The Barenaked Ladies

I wanted to write about a song that was light and fun, because the song I picked out for the Solstice/Saturn-Jupiter conjunction was super heavy. Not that the rant was heavy, but the song had a dark vibe that fit the message. Weirdly enough, both songs have to do references to the cyclic spiraling nature of time and civilization. Nothing is new or particularly original anymore. It seems like we're in a loop, recycling the styles, problems, and attitudes of some other era before now. It's all a mess but we keep adding spices to the soup, hoping it will taste better. I am just as guilty of this as anybody.

I met you

Before the fall of Rome

And I begged you

To let me take you home

You were wrong

I was right

You said, goodbye

I said, good night

It's all been done

It's all been done

It's all been done, done before

I've been listening to "The Astrology Podcast" crew's analysis and predictions for 2021. They usually choose a phrase that sums up the period they are discussing. The phrase for 2021 is "Deeply Ambivalent" and - oh boy! - am I feeling that energy. I had my own phrase for it picked out before I even started listening - "circling the drain." What I mean by that is we're embarking on a totally new journey starting in the 2020s. However, we have a bunch of storylines that need to be closed out. There's this air of inevitability - we can see the ending but we're going to give it one last good push to see if we can keep it going. It's very "fuck it, let's see what happens" energy, which can be a good thing. There's a point where you stop overthinking everything and just live. When you do that, either something truly miraculous and amazing happens (Team Optimism!) or it ends in the disaster it was always going to be. But you don't feel as bad about the disaster because you've done everything you could.

When they say "Deeply Ambivalent," it has an extensive, observable meaning in the astrology of 2021. It is better than the astrology for 2020 - 2020 really did have an all "doom & gloom" signature and we weren't going to escape it. But 2021 has both crazy, chaotic transits and peaceful, happy ones, too. Unfortunately, a lot of the peaceful, happy ones are at the beginning of the year, so it might feel like we go into 2021 with a feeling of "hey, this isn't so bad" and then it slowly devolves into madness. Again, it's those fucking Saturn/Jupiter squares with Uranus. Then we end out the year with Mars opposing Uranus and a pair of eclipses (which often represent secrets and revelations) on the Gemini-Sagittarius axis. These configurations are meant to shake loose old paradigms, make us question the rules, and lean into our own wildness. So here we go again. One more time. With feeling!

If I put my fingers here

And if I say, I love you dear

And if I play the same three chords

Will you just yawn and say

It's all been done

It's all been done

It's all been done before

"It's All Been Done" was featured on an episode of "Dawson's Creek" I watched recently. When I heard it, my first thought was, "Oh yeah....I really like this song..." It's probably my favorite Barenaked Ladies song but, to be honest, I only know the few tunes that hit mainstream radio in the U.S. Otherwise, I know nothing of their discography. This song, in particular, was also the title sequence song for the short-lived animated series, "Baby Blues," an adaptation of one of my favorite comic strips from the Sunday Funny Pages. 

There is some debate among fans about what the song is about. The most metaphorical folks say it describes the stages of an on-again-off-again relationship that has gotten stale. Boring! A little more interesting, but maybe a bit too literal, is that it's about two people who keep meeting up in every life time but never get together. Depressing! Then - and this is the theory that gets my creative juices flowing - there is a contingent of fans who believe it's about a pair of Immortals/Vampires, who keep meeting up throughout time. Sometimes, they meet up and stay together for a while and when they get bored, they go their separate ways until the next century. I like that idea and it has me percolating inspiration for a story about an Immortal Renaissance courtesan who is living in modern day Las Vegas as a showgirl. I don't have a plot yet. Is it a romance? Is it a tale of personal growth and triumph? Who knows?! But it's on the back burner while I finish up my current works in progress. I hate being an idea person, sometimes. It's too much! I really should pull a Nick Miller and start an idea book, so when I get these half-baked (yet divinely inspired) snippets, I have a home (half-way house) to put them in. Regardless, this song - in my professional opinion as expert yarn spinner and vibe feeler - adequately captures the energy I've been sensing. It has that fatalistic quality to it - the things we want will come back around eventually. Maybe in a different form, maybe new and improved, but the wheel is always turning. It's never the end, only a new beginning.

"It's All Been Done" Video

"The Beginning is the End is the Beginning" by The Smashing Pumpkins

Sometime today, we are going to experience the Grand Conjunction, a celestial event where Saturn and Jupiter are the closest in the sky that we here on Earth will ever see them. It is a rare alignment, the last one happening about 800 years ago. Let's be clear - a Jupiter-Saturn conjunction happens about every 20 years. What's rare is we have the opportunity to witness it. This year, it occurs at 0° Aquarius. After the pile-up in Capricorn, which culminated in 2020, it should be a breath of fresh air.....if we've learned what we needed to during our time in Capricorn. Let's dive into the astrology, as this particular Grand Conjunction has been much heralded.

Capricorn and Aquarius share the ancient ruler, Saturn. In astrology, Saturn represents rules, structure, limitations, and time. Saturn's meaning is deeply associated with Karma, Fate, and Destiny. One's Saturn return is said to be a time of reckoning - all your choices, good and bad, play out in your life during this three year period. Depending on the trajectory of your life, you may find your purpose and choose to head in an entirely different direction. Alternatively, some people choose to become more entrenched in their patterns. If your patterns are healthy and "good" (a loaded and subjective term), this can be a wonderful time. However, if you have found yourself in a toxic loop and yet choose to keep making those same choices, it's only a matter of time before it catches up with you. That is both the beauty and the bane of Saturn's power. Now, imagine that happening on a scale where it impacts all humanity.

There's a lot to unpack here, as there was a lot to unpack while Saturn was in Capricorn. Capricorn is invested in the Past, is strong in conventional ways, and holds fast to hierarchical ideas of status and power. Capricorn believes in rules and order. Aquarius, on the other hand, understands that some rules need to broken because they are wrong on a fundamental level. Aquarius is invested in the Future, believes in the cumulative power of all, and is at it's core a staunch egalitarian. Aquarius knows the strength of civilization is the ability to put individual uniqueness towards collective ideals and goals. In the same way Jupiter conjunct Saturn in Capricorn called attention to our personal relationship with authority and the status quo, the Saturn-Jupiter conjunction in Aquarius will highlight how our personal choices affect the overall progress of society. Are the choices we make really for the good of all or just the good of ourselves? And, to quote a question a friend asked me in a dream - how can we do good if we don't even know what "good" is? It is this philosophical struggle that we're faced with as both Saturn and Jupiter move into Aquarius, the unofficial start of the Age of Aquarius.

Send a heartbeat to

The void that cries through you

Relive the pictures that have come to pass

For now we stand alone

The world is lost and blown

And we are flesh and blood disintegrate

With no more to hate

If you take away anything from my rants on astrology, it's that life and time move in cycles and spirals. The patterns of one sign are mirrored and reflected by the patterns of the next. It flows with almost musical precision and once you understand it, it's hard not to predict what comes next because it seems so obvious. The beginning of this major pile-up in Aquarius reaches humanity at a time when the Future is in very real danger. The looming climate crisis has not gotten better, nationalism is gaining a foothold in formerly democratic countries, society is divided almost straight down the middle as to how everyone should live, and the power structures of civilization are on shaky foundations. I think, intellectually, we all know this....but it's the other guy who has to change! Our way of thinking is just fine, it is they who are wrong! This "I'm right, you're wrong" nonsense is a Capricorn thought-process. Capricorn is the boss - He makes the rules and if you don't like it - Tough! Life isn't fair, there are winners and losers, yada yada yada. Not for Aquarius, though. Aquarius knows that, if we are to survive this mess we made, we have to work together and find a solution that satisfies everyone. We have to consider all ideas, even if it's just to ensure the flaws in logic really are flaws. We have to think outside the box (which was never old Capricorn's strong suit) and get creative. Heck, we might even have to get a little weird (which Aquarius likes best of all).

Delivered from the blast

The last of a line of lasts

The pale princess of a palace cracked

And now the kingdom comes

Crashing down undone

And I am a master of a nothing place

Of recoil and grace

Also of note, Uranus - the modern ruler of Aquarius - will be in loose squares to Jupiter and Saturn for the next few years. Uranus is the planet of Change and it's in Taurus, a sign that values stability. Those squares are going to tear shit up. And when Pluto joins the party in 2023 - ooh, child! - it's gonna get real. Real and messy. I'm talking major institutional change on a global scale. Uranus is going to shake up all the Bigs - Government, Academia, Science, Entertainment. You name it, put a Big in front of it, and it's probably going to be experiencing major shifts. On a personal level, this shift may change how we view relationships, careers, finances, home - everything and anything. It's dependent on where these planets and signs show up in your chart. And, just like with a Saturn Return, how deeply you're impacted can be predicted with how well you roll with the punches. If you allow yourself to be open and flexible, you'll be fine. Rigidity and stubbornness, however, will only drag you down farther.

Is it bright where you are

Have the people changed

Does it make you happy you're so strange

And in your darkest hour

I hold secrets flame

We can watch the world devoured in it's pain

I chose this song because it has a darkly hopeful vibe. This is very much an Aquarius thing - they have a tendency to be the ultimate embodiment of "cheerleader goth." You kind of have to hear it to understand what I mean. Yes, the bass is quite heavy, as are the lyrics, but every so often, there's a lilt to the violin and piano parts that lifts up the whole tenor of the song. Sure, we're going to watch the world burn but - hey! - at least we're doing it together. And isn't that what the holiday season is all about?

"The Beginning is the End is the Beginning" Video

"I Always Knew" by The Vaccines

I finally finished "New Girl." I have a feeling it's going to be one of my comfort shows, like "Parks & Rec." A comfort show or movie is something we keep going back to because it makes us feel better during hard times. It gives us a sense of optimism and hope. Or maybe it indulges a desire for nostalgia. Or maybe we just learn something about ourselves every time we watch it, because the lessons we gain from them change as we age. For example, every time she has a breakup in the show, Jess Day watches "Dirty Dancing." Now, I don't recall ever having seen "Dirty Dancing" (it's on the list), but presumably, she watches it to remind herself that True Love exists and it fulfills her desire for romance during a lonely time. "New Girl" has many things to love about it. It stars Zooey Deschanel, another woman who I both love to look at and would love to look like (and if I could have her singing voice, too, that'd be great). The dialogue is both hilarious and relatable. The characters are complex and evolve along with the story. The show is actually fairly music-oriented (that's Deschanel's influence as an EP) and, as a result, has been able to attract notable cameos, such as T-Swift and Prince (who is an avid fan of the show). And, it's possibly one of the most realistic interpretations of the Friends to Lovers trope I've ever seen, which happens to be my favorite romance trope. I apologize in advance - this post is going to get a little ranty.

Nick and Jess. Jess and Nick. They are the quintessential millennial sitcom couple. They complement each other remarkably well without being the exact same person, which is what makes them so believable. They're like PB&J or grilled cheese, if we're using sandwich similes. From the first episode, it was so obvious, but that's what made it fun. It was obvious to everyone but them. Then they finally got together and it was amazing. And then they broke up and it sucked, but they stayed friends. Of course, I read somewhere that if you're still friends with your exes, you're either still in love or you never were. Or you're a sociopath (which I think fits the latter category). However, in Jess and Nick's case, it was the former and they ended up together in the end. This song was featured at the end of the Season 2 finale, when Nick and Jess decide to try to have a relationship and they ride off into the sunset (to Mexico....it's a long story). We'll talk more about the song later but, for now, I'm going to walk through just a few of my favorite Nick & Jess moments from "New Girl." Key show clips are linked.

• The First Kiss:  During a game of True American (a confusing drinking game invented by the show creators), Nick and Jess are dared to kiss. When they are getting ready to lock lips, Nick stops Jess with a simple "Not like this," which we all know means he's pictured their first kiss before and he knows he wants it to be special. Later that night, he grabs Jess and pulls her into one of the hottest kisses I've ever seen on network television. That's not to say it isn't problematic - he didn't ask her consent and, at the time, she's in a committed relationship with Dr. Sam. But, as far as first kisses go, it's pretty sexy. But I like it when a guy takes charge like that so I'm biased.
• Love at First Sight: During their first relationship, Jess convinces Nick he should try to be friends with his ex, Caroline. However, as soon as she finds out he's dating Jess, Caroline goes psycho-bitch because she assumes he was cheating with Jess when they were going out. Jess explains the timeline of their relationship to show that this isn't true and Caroline calms down. But later, Nick apologizes to Caroline because Jess was the reason he broke up with her because he fell in love with Jess the moment he met her. Majorly romantic moment.
• Saying I Love You: Nick tells Jess that he loves her as she drives away to attend a party at Prince's house. Instead of saying it back, Jess gives him finger guns. Throughout the episode, Jess spends a lot of time talking to Prince to figure out why she did that, because she loves Nick, too.
• Julius Pepperwood and Jessica Night:  As all writers do, the characters in Nick's novel are based on the people in his life, the most important of which is Jess. When his editor suggests killing off Jessica Night in the next Pepperwood novel for dramatic effect, Nick puts his foot down. In his defense of his fictional character, he declares that "Jessica Night is the whole reason Pepperwood gets out of bed everyday," a statement which also reflects how he feels about Jess. It's also important to note that, instead of dedicating his first book to Reagan (his girlfriend) - who encouraged him to join her in New Orleans, which inspired him so much - the dedication is to Jess.
• Jess Truly Sees Nick: During Schmidt's wedding, Nick is anxious about starting a relationship with Reagan (Megan Fox) because he doesn't think he's in her league. In his own words, he calls himself the guy girls date to learn they can do so much better. When he says this, Jess gets pissed off, because she's tired of him getting down on himself because the Nick she sees is amazing.
• Nick's Biggest Fan: Reagan arranges for Nick to do a reading of "The Pepperwood Chronicles" but he has a panic attack. Reagan, who is Nick's girlfriend at the time, asks Jess for advice on how to help Nick through it because she's not good at comforting people. Jess tells Reagan what she would say, which is this long, lovely diatribe of how he's talented and special. Reagan tries to replicate Jess's touching words but it's clear that she doesn't come close. 

There are like a zillion more I'd like to point out but I've already wasted enough of your time. Long story short - "New Girl" is a great show and it's a quick watch, despite spanning 7 seasons.

Now, let's talk about the song. I love the styling of post-punk surf rock. There's something vintage about the sound that gives it a timelessness regardless of when it was initially released. This song reminds me of my favorite track on the "Velvet Goldmine" soundtrack, mostly due to the British lilt in the singer's voice. In stereotypical surf rock fashion, "I Always Knew" opens with that plucky guitar reverb and then goes in with a strong drum line. I combed the song meaning forums for an adequate lyrics interpretation. Some people think it's about a guy who is head over heels for a girl he just met or it's about a guy who is realizing he's in love with a friend but is afraid to take the next step. I proffer that it's a "When Harry Met Sally" situation - two people have been friends for ages. Then something happens to escalate the situation into more and they can't go back. And the singer is dizzy and confused about how he's feeling but - in the back of his mind - he "always knew" there was something there. Although it's an extremely metaphorical visual interpretation, the video seems to confirm my theory.

I try my best to unwind

Nothing on my mind but you

Oblivious to all that I'll owe

I'm hanging on

To what I don't know

So let's go to bed

Before you say something real

Let's go to bed

Before you say how you feel

COVID Update:  My first week back at work was both exhilarating and exhausting. It was exciting because I love the work I do and it was wonderful being around people again. But returning to work also means finding myself embroiled in a lot of the drama that I enjoyed being away from during maternity leave. I do a lot of emotional labor for my coworkers. Probably too much. I walk into work and instantly, everyone wants to talk to me. Most days it feels good because it reminds me I'm needed. On those rare days, though, it feels like keeping to myself and just focusing on the task in front of me (instead being distracted by the questions and needs of everyone else) is a luxury I can't afford. To add to this overwhelming sense of obligation, I feel like I forgot a lot of simple work things during maternity leave. I find myself saying "And how do I do that again?" Or "Yeah, so who should I talk to about that?" It's good for me, though. I'm practicing asking for help, which I am terrible at. In many ways, it's like learning to walk, because being vulnerable with people (asking for help is "weak") is not usually easy for me.

It's also hard to be away from my babies. It wasn't as hard going back to work this time (hardly any tears) because they're being taken care of by their dad, but I can't help feeling guilty. I made a choice to come back to work a bit early and I don't regret that choice, but at the same time, it feels selfish (even if it's not). I'm finally really starting to feel bonded to the baby, which is a relief. That was the scariest part of PPD - I usually have so much love for everyone, especially my children, and I suddenly felt nothing. It's better now and keeps getting better. I occasionally catch myself using distancing language so I'm trying to be cognizant of that. Using his name instead of calling him "the baby," making sure to include the "I" in "I love you," referring to myself as "mama/mommy," and making sure I'm talking directly to him (rather than just talking about him). These seem like tiny, trivial things but they matter. They're essential for a child to grow up feeling seen, heard, and understood. It's something I didn't get much of from my mother. Part of overcoming childhood trauma is trying to do better for my kids - trying to rewrite the story. I deserved better but I didn't get it and that sucks. But I don't have to repeat the cycle with the next generation. In fact, it's my duty as a mom to not do that.

"I Always Knew" Video