Another Year Wiser... ("Void" by Melanie Martinez)

Doubtful, but here we are. Like it does every year, my birthday rolled around again....about two months ago. If you can believe it, I did start writing this in July so....can I count that as progress? Whatever, I'm counting it. You know those fairytales where there's a wizened old woman who lives at the edge of the forest? I'm as old as those witches helped the young heroine on her quest. No, seriously - they were all roughly 37-years-old. People didn't live much longer back in the olden times. Cross my heart and kiss my elbow. Given the age of the typical fairytale ingenue is around 16/17, it does not surprise me that they would think someone of that age was ancient. I mean - just look at how Gen Z views Millennials. They steal all our childhood trends then call us cringe for telling them how things were before the Internet.

Pipe down with the noise, I cannot bear my sorrow

I hate who I was before

I fear I won't live to see the day tomorrow

Someone tell me if this is Hell

Somewhere a few years back, my line of existential questioning switched from "what am I doing with my life?" to "what do I enjoy doing with my life?" And the frustrating thing about it is I know exactly what that answer is but the bounds of time to enjoy those simple pleasures are suffocating. Is this Middle Age? Ugh, it feels gross. It doesn't feel like I've been alive this long...but I have and I'm both impressed and horrified. From my perspective, I'm a teenager stuck in a (near) 40-year-old's body, unsure of what lesson I was supposed to learn to end this Freaky Friday. I'm not grown up enough to make these decisions! Someone, get the manager! And then I realize - oh shit! - I am the manager. I girlboss'd way too hard and now I'm only seven promotions away from being the CEO of a whole company! I'm exaggerating, of course. Yes, it is only 7 promotions, but I'm at a level where it's highly unlikely I'll get promoted unless someone really fucks up (or leaves under mysterious circumstances, which happens disturbingly often). I'm unsure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. All I know is this ambivalence I feel could become a problem.

Like a priest behind confession walls, I judge myself

Kneelin' on a metal grater

Bloody, like a body that has died, and it's myself

Tangled in my own intestines

I realize I never gave an update - I did, in fact, get that promotion I was hoping for back in March. And the raise they gave me wasn't too shabby - they met my (rather high) expectations and effectively brought me up to the same level as other ISSMs. Even so, mo' money, mo' problems. I'm at a point where I'm starting to see the cracks in the foundation and the flaws of our leadership really close up, and it's kind of terrifying. At my last job, our head honcho would have these Section Lead meetings and our four-panels had a section for "Whirlwind." Whirlwind, in corporate speak, is all the stuff - the little fires, the last-minute tasks, the unforeseen consequences of a past decision - that is creating chaos in an otherwise perfect plan. My workdays sometimes seem like nothing but whirlwind. And my direct supervisors (yes, due to uncommunicated corporate reorganization, I've changed supervisors more than once in the last year) are never the leaders I need them to be. Involved, but not overbearing. Reachable when I need them to be, but otherwise letting me do my own thing as a leader. Provides feedback regularly and recognizes how hard I'm working. They always lack the teeth I'm desperately hoping they have. The lack the insight and vision I have but am too low on the totem pole to convey, because it's still way above my pay grade. And yet I keep doing it anyway. I'm burnt out. I'm so burnt out, I read a whole book about how to make it better ("Burnout" by Emily and Amelia Nagoski).

Baby

I'm spinnin' around the corner

It's tastin' kinda lonely

And my mind wants to control me

I chose "Void" as my song of the year primarily because I was already feeling this energy when I started writing in July. I also in soulful agreement with the following lyric in the chorus: I gotta escape the void, there is no other choice.

The truth - my truth - is that I envision a totally different reality for myself. It revolves around writing and creating, which - while being one of those fulfilling outlets cited in "Burnout" that can relieve the overwhelming exhaustion I feel - is simultaneously incredibly hard to do when you're feeling burnt out. It's not even about the time factor. I only need 15-30 minutes a day to make progress! It's that my brain is literal mush when I get home from work. Couple that with having high standards for the work I release and the fear of being seen, and it becomes a vicious cycle continually leading me to feel so disappointed in myself. My seeming lack of discipline. My poor time management skills. My lack of focus. Then, of course, the fear I lack talent. I could go on but, to be honest, I'm a bit tired of punching myself in the gut for being exhausted all the time and for failing to be a creative in a system hellbent on destroying anything and everything, as long as it's profitable. I'm tired, but I'm trying. I want to believe it's worth doing the thing just to say I did the thing. I'm trying to uncouple my writing practice from the need for anything to become of it. One of the podcasts I listen to cited an Aleister Crowley quote to describe the guest's success from projects that initially began as aimless. “For pure will, unassuaged of purpose, delivered from the lust of result, is every way perfect.” Thus, writing for no other reason than to write will manifest this new reality I'm craving. Hey, a girl can hope.....

C-c-c-collect

My fickle insecurities

And turn them into beauty

Alchemize the dark within me (ah)

Before this turned into a rant about my shortcomings, I was going to go over what my Solar Return chart looks like. Well, we're several paragraphs in already, so I'll try to keep it to the Cliff's Notes. I'm in a 2nd House profection year, so heavy emphasis on income, values, and purpose. Cancer is the sign in my natal 2nd House, which means the ruler - the Moon - is my timelord for this year. That means every time the moon shifts into a new sign or makes a critical aspect, it's significant in some way for my life (Oh, goody...). My rising sign for this solar year is Taurus, placing the Sun in the 3rd House, so the other big themes for this year are Community, Communication, Siblings/Extended Family, and a lot of other Mercury-related stuff. It's not surprising - my sister is getting married this year and (as previously noted) I'm trying to put more emphasis on my writing goals. The Moon was almost at the New Moon in my solar return chart, so a New Beginning related to the 3rd House topics is likely to happen this year. With my ascendent-descendent on the Taurus-Scorpio axis, it's a very stable year in terms of self and partnerships. A quite grounded, sensual, deeply loving energy - that's what I normally associate with this axis. 

Pluto is squarely on top of the solar return Midheaven in Aquarius, so some innovative transformation is in store for my public image and possibly my overall career. My natal Midheaven is in Aquarius (9th House - Higher Education, Philosophy, Religion, Publishing), so this possibly represents a pivotal moment in that area of my life. Finally, Jupiter is in Gemini (finally), which is my natal 1st House and is the 2nd House in my 2024 solar return house. Good fortune and blessing around my identity, income, values, and possessions. Overall, the aspects for this year were largely beneficial but the scattering of placements is kind of messy. I feel like that's a metaphor - the year will feel chaotic but things will likely end in a good place for me. At least, that is how I'm choosing to see it. 

I gotta escape the void, there is no other choice, yeah

Tryna turn off the voices, the void ate me

Look at the mess I've done, there is nowhere to run, yeah

Holdin' a loaded gun, the void

Part of my new birthday tradition is to make a playlist celebrating me and where I am at that given moment in my life. A sort of time capsule, if you will. Check it out if you want - Jessica is Awesome! Mix, Vol 2: In My Feels. 

"Void" Music Video

Birthday Post: "Shake It Out" by Florence + the Machine

Last night, instead of watching my neighbors set off fireworks, I decided to watch "Twilight" instead. No idea why, just thought it would be a fun idea. I spent a feverish semester reading all four books and bonding over fictional sparkly vampires with my roommate during my senior year at university. This was around the time the movies started to come out. It was a short-lived fandom for me, before I understood the traditional romantic subtext and considered the damaging consequence of romanticizing a relationship where an older guy essentially begins stalking a young girl who is adjusting to a new life in unfamiliar surroundings. It was fun, though. And really, I think I had an urge to watch it because memes of one particular scene kept popping up on my Twitter feed. Early in the movie, there's a scene where Bella walks into her Biology class and the only seat left is next to Edward. She walks by a fan and Edward is supposedly driven mad by her smell. I can imagine the director's notes for Robert Pattinson judging by the outlandish overreaction he has at Bella's scent - "Just pretend like this bitch stanks." What resulted was A+ acting.

We also had a penumbral lunar eclipse at 13° Capricorn last night. Right on America's birthday, which professional astrologers say is significant (i.e., more craziness ahead). Since the eclipse falls within three days of my birthday as well - making it almost exactly opposite my natal Sun - this year should be pretty eventful for me, too. The Eclipse occurred in my 8th House, which rules over Death, Sex (and other forms of intimacy), and Finances from outside sources (inheritances, taxes, unexpected windfalls). No idea what that could mean. Rough interpretation could be that I win the lotto....or that someone I love dies (since it's a lunar eclipse, that often indicates a woman, especially a maternal figure). It could mean I might die - I am becoming a mother for the second time and the closer I get to my due date, the more scared I get about giving birth in a hospital in the current environment, especially if I need another C-section. Giving birth in a hospital, especially if the end of September and October are as bad as experts predict, will probably the highest risk of exposure I will have during this pandemic. The likelihood my husband may not be able to be there when I give birth increases the longer this situation spirals out of control. At this point, my parents and my oldest son will not be able to visit me in the hospital, which is going to suck if I end up being there for the minimum 3 days of C-section recovery. I'm trying not to worry about it but I'm still bracing myself for what comes next.

Regrets collect like old friends

Here to relive your darkest moments

I can see no way, I can see no way

And all of the ghouls come out to play

I'm turning 33, a very important year in numerology. The number 33 is considered a Master number and it's significant in all major religions. The number 3 symbolizes eternal life, the flow of nature, and spiritual growth. You've heard the saying that things (deaths, births, etc) come in threes? That's actually an ancient belief and 33 doubles the power of the number. It is believed Jesus died when he was 33, Alexander the Great also died at 33, Freemasonry has 33 degrees in its ranks, tons of Catholic and Freemasonry shit is centered around the number 33, well-known centers of paranormal occurrences fall along the 33rd parallel, and major events or important people came to power during years that ended in 33. Sorry - fell a little bit down the rabbit hole while researching the number 33. It's an exciting place to be. Fun and a little more cheerful fact: A survey conducted in the UK found that 70% of respondents say they were happiest, or that the best parts of their life began, at age 33. Isn't that nice? You may also have noticed I've set this post to publish at 3:45am, which is my birth time according to my birth certificate - 3am is considered the "witching hour," a coincidence that is not lost on me. In fact, I've always taken it as a good omen that this is my right path. Turning 33 begins a 10th year profection year in astrology - the 10th House is the House of Career and Reputation. Even though I've been struggling with prenatal depression, I have been writing a lot. And I've been struck with lots of inspiration lately - it feels channeled, almost, like it's coming from somewhere else. Still me, of course, still my words but coming from a higher place that's connected to something so much bigger. It's a good sign that I've gained the confidence in my writing needed to achieve the goals and dreams I have for myself.

And every demon wants his pound of flesh

But I like to keep some things to myself

I like to keep my issues strong

It's always darkest before the dawn

As a Gemini rising, it is said my destined life purpose is to be a Messenger. And I've really begun to identify with that purpose lately. That being said, I am planning on moving my esoteric/astrological/occult/spiritual rants to another medium. However, that's going to take some time, because I want to do it right this time. As much as I love Music Slut, it was stood up by a 22-year-old who found another free blog site for shouting into the void. There was never any purpose behind it, besides sharing the music that I love. It's been integral to the shaping of my voice and my discipline, and in that light, it has served me well. But I would like to return it to being purely about the music, which it hasn't been for a while. My new site will actually be hosted with a real domain name. The articles will be a lot better researched, more focused, and purposefully structured. I'll try to do a better job at editing so that I correct spelling and grammar mistakes before articles are published (and not catch them while I'm obsessively re-reading my posts after the fact). And I'm considering the idea of eventually offering tarot sessions and natal chart readings, after I've done some more learning. Additionally, I'll be working more on my fictional and poetic work offline, with a hope those things may be published by someone other than myself. I mention all this stuff to hold myself accountable and to speak it into existence. This is the direction I want to go during my 33rd loop around the Sun.

'Cause I am done with my graceless heart

So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart

'Cause I like to keep my issues strong

It's always darkest before the dawn

Finally, this will be an 8 year for me, which means my tarot card for the year is Strength. How do I know that? I just added up the numbers in my birthday for this year and reduce the number as far as it will go --> 7 + 6 + 2020 = 13 + 4 = 17 = 1+7 = 8. The number 8, in both numerology and tarot, can be....rough to say the least. The number 8 is associate with personal empowerment, achievement, and success. That all sounds good but it comes in the form of tough love and, while an 8 year is often transformative, it is usually intense. It's laying the ground work for the following two years, which represent the ending of a cycle and the beginning of a new one. While the preceding year (7) is also transformative, the changes and the journey to create transformation, are usually internal. The 8 year can bring a lot of turbulence in the physical reality and has often been described as a "testing ground." The number 8 is often associated with karma, so an 8 year can be a "you reap what you sow" kind of year, in the most literal sense. Hence why the Strength card is linked with this number - it is through hard times that we learn to rely on and cultivate our inner strength. The key to an 8 year is balance - there is a natural tendency to what to bulldoze through this year but, in order to get the most out of it, you have to make time to slow down as well.

I tried to dance with the devil on your back

And given half the chance would I take any of it back

It's a final mess but it's left me so empty

It's always darkest before the dawn

The recent eclipse has unraveled many revelations for me, as well as revealed some things I needed to learn. For example, a mundane revelation I had today was that I don't like birthday cake. Don't get me wrong - I love a good piece of cake....just not for my birthday. This year, I wanted a cheesecake for my birthday - to be precise, I wanted a slice from The Cheesecake Factory. Unpopular opinion - although their entire existence makes me want to gag, they do make pretty good cheesecake. Last year, I insisted on having Berry Shortcake for my birthday and in the years before that, I think I wanted some sort of fruit pie. While growing up, I've had multiple birthdays where I've opted for one of those giant chocolate chip cookies instead of cake. At work, I almost never eat a slice of cake for our birthday celebrations, although I do contribute to the Birthday Fund, because I believe that celebrating people is essential for creating an enjoyable workplace culture. It's never been my thing and I only just today saw the pattern. I know - that was a weird side tangent but - come on - you've read the rest of this post. My distaste for birthday cake is probably the least unusual thing about me.

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't

So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road

And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope

It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat

'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me

Looking for heaven, for the devil in me

Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

For the featured song, I chose "Shake It Out" by Florence + the Machine, one of my favorite artists. I feel like it sets the tone for the mindset I want to carry into this next year. I want to embrace how the past has shaped me but not let my past define my future. I want to face any setbacks, failures, and disappointments with open arms, as they often precede greater happiness. Although I have many concerns and fears right now, I want to move forward with a smile on my face and joy in my heart.

"Shake It Out" Video

"Twenty Two" by Taylor Swift

I've chosen a somewhat obnoxious song for my birthday, because I can. I know the song is actually "Twenty Two" but, lately, I've been singing it as "Thirty Two" because that's how old I am today (and I'm a dork who makes up lyrics to songs just for fun). As of 3:45 am, which you will notice is when this post was uploaded. No, I am not awake that early - I'm an old woman and I need my beauty sleep - but I did schedule it to post at precisely my birth time. Yep, I'm a little extra. When I got my first cell phone, my best friend in high school used to call me at exactly 3:45am every birthday, which made me feel super special. Lately, I feel like I'm lucky if The Husband remembers without looking at Facebook (but I'm sure a lot of people are in that boat with me....that's why I've been loudly hinting that my birthday is coming up for the last two weeks).

Anyway, even though I kinda/sorta think this is a terrible song, I still love it because it's hella catchy. Taylor Swift is (also) weirdly obsessed with her birthday and her age, so this is one of multiple songs she titled after the age she was at the time she wrote it. Additionally, her fifth studio album was named "1989," after the year she was born. She has a song named "Back to December," which is the month she was born in. And her next album is going to be released on 8/23, which is "13" if you add up all the numbers (this isn't just supposition - she straight up pointed this out when she did an Instagram video announcing the release of "Lover"). All of this makes me think she might be super interested in numerology which, quite frankly, just makes me love her even more.

It seems like one of those nights

This place is too crowded, too many cool kids uh uh, uh uh

It seems like one of those nights

We ditch the whole scene and end up dreaming instead of sleeping

Yeah

We're happy free confused and lonely in the best way

It's miserable and magical oh yeah

Tonight's the night, when we forget about the heartbreaks, it's time uh oh

I don't know about you but I'm feeling 22 32

Everything will be alright if you keep me next to you

You don't know about me, but I bet you want to

Everything will be alright if we just keep dancing like we're 22 32

I know I ranted about Taylor's Cancer moon a couple weeks back, but let's not forget, she's a Sagittarius, which is one of my favorite signs. You know why? Because, it's the sign of hope and optimism and I have a lot of Sagittarius placements (couldn't you tell?) And, as far as songs go, hope and optimism is the energy that "Twenty Two" most embodies. So - if I really believe in all this magic and setting intentions stuff - that's the energy I want to embrace for my 32nd year on this floating rock. In my recent astrological studies, I've been reading a lot about annual profections, which is that specific houses (and any planets that fall within them) are activated during each year as we grow older. The age of 31 falls in the 8th house, which is the House of Death and Rebirth. It's a house of hard lessons, hard realizations, and a lot of soul growth. I feel like that was very true for me. I also kind of feel like I'm not done with it, yet, but that doesn't mean I'm not looking forward toward what awaits me in the 9th House. The thing I love most about astrology is that everything is connected within the framework, so it should seem absolutely natural that the hard lessons and awakenings we encounter in the 8th House, are solidified into Wisdom during the transit of the 9th House. Ninth House years are full of discoveries and adventure (it's naturally ruler is Sagittarius), and it portends (or at least, I really hope it portends) lots of travel, learning, and expansion. The 9th House also indicates publishing and themes of spirituality and self-improvement. Well, I'm already on that bender so....Bring it on!

Side note: The more I read about profections and compare them to my life circumstances, the more creeped out I get. I met my Husband during a 7th House annual profection, became pregnant with my son shortly after I moved into a 5th House year, and I started my first real job during a 2nd House year. I know it's probably not this accurate for most people, but I find this is a common thing with astrologers. They start learning about astrology because it sounds fun and esoteric, but they keep with it because - when they start to apply it to their own life - it gets scary accurate. Just trying to keep my wits about me.

Anyway, I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 32. Which means that it makes me super anxious that she jumped into the pool wearing a sweater and mini-skirt that I'm almost certain cost like $800 for this video. Damn kids.

"22" Video

"Jessica" by The Allman Brothers Band

Today, I'm 31. Well, almost. Not until 3:45AM, which is in about 2 hours as I write this. And I feel pretty good. I treated myself to a nice, fancy new hairstyle yesterday, have a bunch of presents I bought for myself on the way, and - later today - I will finally get my first tattoo. It definitely feels different from my 21st birthday, which sucked for so many reasons that I'm not going to get into. But I definitely feel more grown up today, which I think is a good thing. One more day towards immortality. Or death. I'm not picky. Whichever comes for me. And I am still only an egg. ("Stranger in a Strange Land" reference....that book changed me in more ways than I can even explain.)

The story about today's song....pretty simple - this is the song I was named after. My dad has a habit of naming pets after whatever is on TV or the radio. He's had dogs named Pugsley (from "The Addams Family") and JR (from "Who shot JR?"). He even had a fluffy white cat named Cocaine - which sounds very rockstar but it just happened that a PSA for cocaine addiction was on TV that day. Fast forward to my birth. My parents are discussing what to name me. If it was up to my mom, my name would be an alliteration, like both my sisters' names are (i.e., their first and last names start with the same letter). My dad turned on the TV and it was a broadcast of a Madonna concert. Uh oh! Yes, folks, I was almost named Madonna. In hindsight, I don't think that would've been all that bad. It certainly would've been more unique. However, he decided against that idea and instead, turned off the TV and switched on the radio. "Jessica" by The Allman Brothers was on and, thus, a legend was born.

Being the virulent individualist that I am, you'd think it would annoy me that I have the same name as like 10% of the girls born in the 80s have....but you'd be wrong. I actually really like my name. I think it suits me. Also, whenever you meet another Jessica, you always have a friend. It's like a bond, a sisterhood of Jessica's. I have had more friends named "Jessica" then you can shake a stick at - but they were all some of the most awesome people I have ever met. I don't think that's a coincidence.

"Jessica" is an instrumental, and I'm not usually a big fan of those, but this song is an exception. From what I hear, it's the hardest song to play on Guitar Hero - and it was the theme song for "Top Gear (U.K.), which happens to be a favorite show of mine. I'm a car person - I may not know how to fix a car beyond changing the oil, but I know my supercars from my muscle cars, my hatchbacks from my caravans, my Lambo's from my Bugatti's. If I win the lottery, I'll be in trouble, because the list of cars I would like to own is about a mile long. Just so I can look at them and rub the interior every once in a while. Who knows? I may just go crazy and buy myself an Alfa Romeo for my birthday. You don't need to tell me....I already know that's probably a bad idea. But what is life if you don't go a little crazy every so often?

"Jessica" Video