Birthday Post: "Shake It Out" by Florence + the Machine

Last night, instead of watching my neighbors set off fireworks, I decided to watch "Twilight" instead. No idea why, just thought it would be a fun idea. I spent a feverish semester reading all four books and bonding over fictional sparkly vampires with my roommate during my senior year at university. This was around the time the movies started to come out. It was a short-lived fandom for me, before I understood the traditional romantic subtext and considered the damaging consequence of romanticizing a relationship where an older guy essentially begins stalking a young girl who is adjusting to a new life in unfamiliar surroundings. It was fun, though. And really, I think I had an urge to watch it because memes of one particular scene kept popping up on my Twitter feed. Early in the movie, there's a scene where Bella walks into her Biology class and the only seat left is next to Edward. She walks by a fan and Edward is supposedly driven mad by her smell. I can imagine the director's notes for Robert Pattinson judging by the outlandish overreaction he has at Bella's scent - "Just pretend like this bitch stanks." What resulted was A+ acting.

We also had a penumbral lunar eclipse at 13° Capricorn last night. Right on America's birthday, which professional astrologers say is significant (i.e., more craziness ahead). Since the eclipse falls within three days of my birthday as well - making it almost exactly opposite my natal Sun - this year should be pretty eventful for me, too. The Eclipse occurred in my 8th House, which rules over Death, Sex (and other forms of intimacy), and Finances from outside sources (inheritances, taxes, unexpected windfalls). No idea what that could mean. Rough interpretation could be that I win the lotto....or that someone I love dies (since it's a lunar eclipse, that often indicates a woman, especially a maternal figure). It could mean I might die - I am becoming a mother for the second time and the closer I get to my due date, the more scared I get about giving birth in a hospital in the current environment, especially if I need another C-section. Giving birth in a hospital, especially if the end of September and October are as bad as experts predict, will probably the highest risk of exposure I will have during this pandemic. The likelihood my husband may not be able to be there when I give birth increases the longer this situation spirals out of control. At this point, my parents and my oldest son will not be able to visit me in the hospital, which is going to suck if I end up being there for the minimum 3 days of C-section recovery. I'm trying not to worry about it but I'm still bracing myself for what comes next.

Regrets collect like old friends

Here to relive your darkest moments

I can see no way, I can see no way

And all of the ghouls come out to play

I'm turning 33, a very important year in numerology. The number 33 is considered a Master number and it's significant in all major religions. The number 3 symbolizes eternal life, the flow of nature, and spiritual growth. You've heard the saying that things (deaths, births, etc) come in threes? That's actually an ancient belief and 33 doubles the power of the number. It is believed Jesus died when he was 33, Alexander the Great also died at 33, Freemasonry has 33 degrees in its ranks, tons of Catholic and Freemasonry shit is centered around the number 33, well-known centers of paranormal occurrences fall along the 33rd parallel, and major events or important people came to power during years that ended in 33. Sorry - fell a little bit down the rabbit hole while researching the number 33. It's an exciting place to be. Fun and a little more cheerful fact: A survey conducted in the UK found that 70% of respondents say they were happiest, or that the best parts of their life began, at age 33. Isn't that nice? You may also have noticed I've set this post to publish at 3:45am, which is my birth time according to my birth certificate - 3am is considered the "witching hour," a coincidence that is not lost on me. In fact, I've always taken it as a good omen that this is my right path. Turning 33 begins a 10th year profection year in astrology - the 10th House is the House of Career and Reputation. Even though I've been struggling with prenatal depression, I have been writing a lot. And I've been struck with lots of inspiration lately - it feels channeled, almost, like it's coming from somewhere else. Still me, of course, still my words but coming from a higher place that's connected to something so much bigger. It's a good sign that I've gained the confidence in my writing needed to achieve the goals and dreams I have for myself.

And every demon wants his pound of flesh

But I like to keep some things to myself

I like to keep my issues strong

It's always darkest before the dawn

As a Gemini rising, it is said my destined life purpose is to be a Messenger. And I've really begun to identify with that purpose lately. That being said, I am planning on moving my esoteric/astrological/occult/spiritual rants to another medium. However, that's going to take some time, because I want to do it right this time. As much as I love Music Slut, it was stood up by a 22-year-old who found another free blog site for shouting into the void. There was never any purpose behind it, besides sharing the music that I love. It's been integral to the shaping of my voice and my discipline, and in that light, it has served me well. But I would like to return it to being purely about the music, which it hasn't been for a while. My new site will actually be hosted with a real domain name. The articles will be a lot better researched, more focused, and purposefully structured. I'll try to do a better job at editing so that I correct spelling and grammar mistakes before articles are published (and not catch them while I'm obsessively re-reading my posts after the fact). And I'm considering the idea of eventually offering tarot sessions and natal chart readings, after I've done some more learning. Additionally, I'll be working more on my fictional and poetic work offline, with a hope those things may be published by someone other than myself. I mention all this stuff to hold myself accountable and to speak it into existence. This is the direction I want to go during my 33rd loop around the Sun.

'Cause I am done with my graceless heart

So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart

'Cause I like to keep my issues strong

It's always darkest before the dawn

Finally, this will be an 8 year for me, which means my tarot card for the year is Strength. How do I know that? I just added up the numbers in my birthday for this year and reduce the number as far as it will go --> 7 + 6 + 2020 = 13 + 4 = 17 = 1+7 = 8. The number 8, in both numerology and tarot, can be....rough to say the least. The number 8 is associate with personal empowerment, achievement, and success. That all sounds good but it comes in the form of tough love and, while an 8 year is often transformative, it is usually intense. It's laying the ground work for the following two years, which represent the ending of a cycle and the beginning of a new one. While the preceding year (7) is also transformative, the changes and the journey to create transformation, are usually internal. The 8 year can bring a lot of turbulence in the physical reality and has often been described as a "testing ground." The number 8 is often associated with karma, so an 8 year can be a "you reap what you sow" kind of year, in the most literal sense. Hence why the Strength card is linked with this number - it is through hard times that we learn to rely on and cultivate our inner strength. The key to an 8 year is balance - there is a natural tendency to what to bulldoze through this year but, in order to get the most out of it, you have to make time to slow down as well.

I tried to dance with the devil on your back

And given half the chance would I take any of it back

It's a final mess but it's left me so empty

It's always darkest before the dawn

The recent eclipse has unraveled many revelations for me, as well as revealed some things I needed to learn. For example, a mundane revelation I had today was that I don't like birthday cake. Don't get me wrong - I love a good piece of cake....just not for my birthday. This year, I wanted a cheesecake for my birthday - to be precise, I wanted a slice from The Cheesecake Factory. Unpopular opinion - although their entire existence makes me want to gag, they do make pretty good cheesecake. Last year, I insisted on having Berry Shortcake for my birthday and in the years before that, I think I wanted some sort of fruit pie. While growing up, I've had multiple birthdays where I've opted for one of those giant chocolate chip cookies instead of cake. At work, I almost never eat a slice of cake for our birthday celebrations, although I do contribute to the Birthday Fund, because I believe that celebrating people is essential for creating an enjoyable workplace culture. It's never been my thing and I only just today saw the pattern. I know - that was a weird side tangent but - come on - you've read the rest of this post. My distaste for birthday cake is probably the least unusual thing about me.

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't

So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road

And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope

It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat

'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me

Looking for heaven, for the devil in me

Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

For the featured song, I chose "Shake It Out" by Florence + the Machine, one of my favorite artists. I feel like it sets the tone for the mindset I want to carry into this next year. I want to embrace how the past has shaped me but not let my past define my future. I want to face any setbacks, failures, and disappointments with open arms, as they often precede greater happiness. Although I have many concerns and fears right now, I want to move forward with a smile on my face and joy in my heart.

"Shake It Out" Video

"Stupid Girl" by Cold

I've been listening to a lot of loud, somewhat angry music lately. This song came up in my playlist recently. It's an older one from a band I used to listen to in high school. It struck me because - ostensibly - it's a love song. That's actually a common topic for music, especially male-dominated bands - the angry love song. A distinction - these are different from break-up songs and unrequited love songs because the subject the person is singing about often loves the singer back or, at least, reciprocates their affections in some way. No, the singer is angry because his love for the person causes him to actually take a deep look at himself - to face his own emotions, behaviors, and habits - and sometimes, he doesn't like what he sees. This is not something society encourages men to do. In fact, a lot of our programming tells them to actively avoid this level of self-reflection. So when he encounters a trigger that forces him to do so - i.e., the object of his affection - it can manifest as anger towards the person.

What's the source of this anger? Well, many things. Feeling powerless and weak (and therefore, resentful) that he needs and wants this person around all the time, especially at first. Shame at the sexual urges he has towards someone who he sees as pure and good (because society has taught us that sex is an act of denigration, not of love). I would classify the song "Closer" by NIN in this category for this reason. Guilt for not being able to protect or provide for their person. I heard in a psychology lecture that love, for men, often manifests as a strong protection instinct. A man will do anything to protect someone he loves, even if the thing he has to protect them from is himself. This reminds me of the ending scene of "The Butterfly Effect." Ashton Kutcher keeps going back in time to prevent the woman he loves from a life of suffering. Keep in mind, he remembers all the timelines when he jumps so he starts to recognize a pattern in all of them. Ultimately, what he has to do is make it so she will never be close to him. Ever. So when he sees the woman on the street in the final timeline, after they both grow up to be successful, functional adults, he keeps on walking. Because he ain't going to risk it. It's complicated but I think I'm starting to understand it.

I can't take this

Born to break this

She's going away (She's going away)

What's wrong with my life today?

She's going away (She's going away)

What's wrong with my life today?

In tarot and astrological circles, 2020 has been touted as the Year of the Emperor, which is a fancy way of saying the collective focus is shifting onto masculine energies. With Mars moving into Aries conjunct Chiron, the next half of the year has a special emphasis on the Wounded Masculine. In particular, we're going to be collectively working on how this energy can be distorted, the effects of this distortion, and how to correct it on an individual and collective scale. There is nothing inherently bad about Masculine energy, just as there is nothing inherently bad about Feminine energy. It is how it is channeled, manipulated, and used that causes problems. For the sake of explanation, please note that I'm using Masculine and Feminine in the sense of Hermetic polarities. All things have both energies in varying degrees. Some things/people may have more of one polarity than the other but the ultimate goal is to balance the polarities overall, to bring harmony to the Universe. It has nothing to do with boy vs girl, although we tend to think of men having more masculine energy and women having more feminine energy. This is not always the case, by any means, and regardless of what you believe your personal mix of polarities is, it would be foolish to cultivate one but neglect the other. In order to have balance, you must work to improve and perfect both.

In order to go forward, let's give a basic definition of the Masculine polarity (in Hermeticism). It is an active energy with special emphasis discipline, focus, order, justice, honor, physical strength, and physical courage. Whereas the Feminine is the receptive energy, the Masculine is the providing energy. It's primarily ruled by logic, reason, and rationality. (Going back to the above discussion, this is how men get to the point of staying away from their lover to keep them safe - s/he needs to be protected from being hurt; I hurt her/him, therefore s/he needs to be protected from me. Makes perfect sense from a logical standpoint.) The Divine Masculine within us is a protector and a leader.

I'm a loner, I'm a loser

I'm a winner in my mind

I'm a bad one, I'm a good one

I'm a sick one with a smile

One of the spiritual accounts I follow on Twitter tweeted something that caught my imagination - it was something to the effect of "the Feminine [polarity/energy] resents an ineffective Masculine." So what makes our inner masculine "ineffective?" Well, it starts with not protecting ourselves - not speaking up for our own best interests (protecting needs and boundaries) or standing by our beliefs and principles (maintaining discipline and honor). It's not backing up our words with our actions. It manifests as not following through with our goals or going after what we say we want. It's not having the courage to ask for what we want in the first place. It's not expressing our individuality or letting ourselves be overpowered by another's opinion of us. In these circumstances, it represses the Divine Feminine as well, because she represents our creative force and inner wisdom. She is counting on the Divine Masculine to act on her intuitive insights, to trust her guidance. If the Masculine is stuck in a place of fear and inaction, the Feminine could be screaming "this is what you want and this is what you need to get it" and it wouldn't matter. She goes unheard because the will to act is simply not there. And nothing makes the Feminine more resentful than feeling unheard, misunderstood, and disrespected (*cough*Lilith and Eris will also be conjunct in Aries*cough*).

Final question: So how do we strengthen and support our inner Divine Masculine? I'd rather not leave you with "just don't do those things I listed" but that's essentially it. A lot of the work is getting clear on what you want - define, in no uncertain terms, your desires, needs, and boundaries. Going a step further, define what your principles and beliefs are - and then act on them. For example, I believe that all people deserve to be treated with kindness and respect and I strive to have my actions reflect that. Next step is defining your goals, choosing one or two, and put a plan in place to meet them. Simple example - you want to live a healthier lifestyle. Write down what a healthy lifestyle would look like for you - drinking more water, eating more veggies, cutting down on alcohol, meditating everyday, exercising a specified amount of time each week, etc. Then start taking steps that help you meet that goal and track your progress. Nothing encourages and supports discipline and accountability like keeping records, whether that be in the form of an app, taking selfies every day, or keeping a bullet journal for your new habits. Speak your Truth. Nurture and protect your inner Divine Feminine - if she gives you an intuitive insight, don't ignore it. Take note of it, think on it, and act on it, if need be. Cultivate creativity and curiosity, seek out Beauty. Follow where she leads, because she's doing it to support your efforts to live in accordance with your Highest Self (which you just defined in the previous steps I mentioned). Finally, remember that this is an on-going and iterative process. Failure is a mindset, not a conclusion. You will fuck up - what matters most is you acknowledge that you fucked up and then you keep going anyway.

"Stupid Girl" Video

"Give Me Love" by Ed Sheeran

I don't like to write about an artist twice in the same month, especially when it's twice in a row. However, I'm making an exception because I find this song beautiful. Ed Sheeran could probably get any girl he wanted, in spite of his patchy, ginger beard and milquetoast British persona. You know why? Because he writes songs like this.

The music video for this song showed up in my YouTube recommendations (this is going to be a pattern for this month) recently. I was drawn to the video because the actress playing the main role was incredibly gorgeous. Which, after watching the video, make sense. She plays an Angel of Love, and most people think angels to be beautiful beings. Nevermind that most angelic lore says they have eyes all over their bodies, four different faces, and shine so brightly, humans may burst into flames if they saw one. But she's a beautiful angel and she goes around the city, shooting arrows and making people fall in love. However, she's a lone figure. Throughout the video, as she goes about her angelic business, she looks so sad and lonely. At the beginning of the video, we see the angel dead on the mattress in her loft apartment, killed by a single arrow to the heart. Later, we understand why - she shot herself with one of her love arrows so she could experience love for herself.

Give me love like her

'Cause lately I've been waking up alone

Paint splattered teardrops on my shirt

Told you I'd let them go

And that I'll fight my corner

Maybe tonight I'll call ya

After my blood turns into alcohol

No, I just wanna hold ya

There has been this turn in both the psychology and spirituality communities towards radical self-love. There's a theory that you can only love someone as deeply as you love yourself. It all has to do with reciprocity. In our heads, we have a set point on what we think we deserve in relationships, which has a lot to do with our childhood and our relationship with our parents. In fact, most of it has to do with the relationships we saw in childhood. If we had an unhealthy relationship dynamic as a reference point growing up, most of the time, we subconsciously seek out that same relationship dynamic in adulthood - even when we know that's not what we want. Dr. Nicole LePera talks a lot about this, using examples from both her psychological practice and her own life. It's a form of self-betrayal. We know what we want but we don't believe we deserve it because of that predetermined set point. Humans will rarely let another treat them better than they believe they deserve for very long. It's uncomfortable, because we're scared we won't be able to reciprocate - which will lead to abandonment and rejection. The problem is that, with each relationship that follows the unhealthy pattern, our negative beliefs about ourselves get reinforced. We're not worth the effort. We're hard to love or unlovable. Or we fall deeper into a pattern of people pleasing and then we become exhausted and resentful because it doesn't seem to ever work. For definition, self-betrayal is the process of ignoring/denying our own needs and desires in order to acquire the approval and validation of another. It usually develops early, especially when a child has a hyper-critical, neglectful, and/or abusive parent(s). Self-betrayal is a hallmark of a lack of self-love.

Self-betrayal shows up in a myriad of forms. It's pretending to not be hurt by the actions of another out of fear of being seen as too sensitive. It's allowing others to violate your boundaries constantly out of fear they'll abandon you. I could go on but this shit can be easily googled. The point is, like with all things, you can minimize self-betrayal simply by having an awareness that you're in this pattern. Then make a promise to yourself to choose differently, even though it's scary and uncomfortable. With each little promise kept, you begin to trust yourself more. You start to believe that you can protect yourself, when no one else could. And your self-esteem grows and you invest in yourself more. Finally, you understand what self-love feels like and it helps you realize that Love is not a finite resource. It's not a zero sum game. It's renewable and you're able to generate it for yourself. And being loved by another is an enjoyable bonus, not a requisite for survival. Surprisingly, this actually makes you appreciate it more. It takes strength to allow life to make you softer and more giving instead of cold and bitter. But you only understand that once you've been through Hell and back.

People who love themselves move differently. Sometimes, they come off strange to others - because the default in society has been self-hatred for so many years. We don't know what a healthy, well-adjusted person looks like because most of us have never seen one. However, there are some ways to tell when you're getting to that place. When you start to love yourself, you stop trying to impress people who are always looking for something to criticize and always blow your mistakes out of proportion, no matter how much good you do. You stop trying to get the attention of people who prefer to be distracted. You stop being someone you're not to fit into places you don't really want to be. You stop putting value in the opinions of people who don't value yours. You start speaking your mind, regardless of whether others want to hear what you have to say. You walk with purpose, you act with purpose, you speak with purpose. And you actively pursue being the person you want to be. The painful thing about this, though, is you might lose people who prefer to cling to the old version of you. But, it's easier to accept and forgive them for it, because you've been through that part of the journey, too.

I've lost the trail of what I was ranting about. I meditate before writing - sometimes the thoughts come through clearly and match up with any sentences I've written down earlier, sometimes they don't. I'm trying to be a bit more structured with my rants so that they follow in a linear, logical fashion (even though my brain doesn't really work like that....it prefers cascades and explosions of information that form tangled connections upon impact). I've also been digesting some heavy psychology concepts that aren't always easy to put into words without a lot of background information. But we're getting there. At this point in the challenge, I've done pretty well but as we approach the holidays, the posts might get a little more infrequent.

I did want to call out some musical notes for the song. During the bridge, Sheeran goes into some emotive singing. Fairly close to what the Beatles would do during the phase when they were doing Primal Scream Therapy (that's a whole 'nother rant for a different day). Ed Sheeran has one of the loveliest tenor voices in the industry today but the bridge is not pretty. The words come off desperate and it's uncomfortable to listen to - that's the point. When you feel starved of love, you feel desperate. Additionally, the album version of this song includes a second part. Honestly, it's a completely different song and feels like a hidden track because of the long break in between. It's sweet - it's got the sound of an Irish ballad, with lyrics to match. I highly recommend seeking out the full version of "Give Me Love."

"Give Me Love" Video

"Time" by NF

I first heard this song walking down the street in Boston. It was playing in one of the clothing shops near my sister's house. In my head, I thought "I like this song" even though I only heard a quick snippet. I do that - I can usually tell if I'll like a song by the first few bars. Sometimes, though, a song has to grow on me - certain pop songs are like this. I'm also good at recognizing a song within the first few notes. This memory of mine is both a curse and a blessing. Anyway, I heard a small part of the first verse in "Time," made a mental note - and kept it moving because I didn't want to be late for class. If I can, I'll usually Shazam a song on the go but there was so much background noise, it probably wouldn't have worked anyway. Fast forward to my run that evening and guess what pops up on my Spotify Discover Weekly mix? "Time" by NF.

The spiritual community would call that a "synchronicity." Or just a small way the Universe shows it's listening and responding to our energy. It's been happening a lot lately for me, especially with music. I'll want to hear a song or wake up with one stuck in my head, and it'll be the first song that comes on the radio. Or I'll engage in some shufflemancy and ask the Universe a question, already knowing what song it's gonna play and - lo and behold - the song I'm expecting is the one that's played. Maybe it's delusional but what's the alternative? That some master algorithm is listening to our thoughts so Instagram shows an ad for a specific item of clothing that you saw someone wear earlier? Or that Facebook really does know you're craving Jimmy John's for lunch? It's difficult to know where the locus of control is - does the Universe hear my thought and present what it finds in the moment? Or do I send my thought out into the ether and the closest approximation is drawn towards me? Unknown. Still working that out.

A little time to show you I'm worth it

I know that I can be a difficult person

I'm a stress case, drive you up the wall when I’m workin'

Actually, I'm probably worse when I'm not, you don't deserve it

Make you nervous 'cause you know I'ma break soon

Every time I do, I say somethin' that hurts you

Actin’ like I’m gone, but we both in the same room

I don't like to be wrong, which I know you relate to

And I know I make you feel like you’re at the end of your rope

That's when I look at you and tell you I'd be better alone

Just the pride talkin', isn’t it? 'Cause both of us know

I'm the definition of "wreck" if you look into my soul

Comes out the most when I feel I'm in a vulnerable place

Made a lot of mistakes I wish I knew how to erase

When I'm afraid, might get distant and I push you away

But no matter the case, I'ma do whatever it takes even if—

Lately, I've been drawn to a lot of what I'm going to call "white boy rap," even though I know that's horrifically politically incorrect. Especially NF. A lot of people call themselves "woke" but NF is clearly awake. You can hear it in his music. It's very rare for me to find an artist where I feel like practically every song speaks to me. Florence Welch is one. Gerard Way is another. Rilo Kiley started that list. And NF is the latest addition. Based on his music, he grew up in an abusive and neglectful home. As such, he gets to deal with all the fun baggage that goes along with that. Traumatized people tend to relive their parents stories - their childhood control dramas - because they don't know any other way. Healthy behavior seems wrong to them. Affection, care, and even love feels like a foreign thing. An unattainable ideal that they've read about in storybooks but doesn't actually exist in real life. They struggle with control and trust issues. And more often than not, they hurt the people they care about most to avoid abandonment and rejection. NF recognized he was in this pattern and wanted to end it, so he got help. And then he used the shit he learned in therapy to write music. Brilliant. The first step to fixing a problem is knowing you have one....people just don't want to take that first step. It's scary. The funny thing is, in this song, he says all he needs is time, like there's plenty of it. But it's the most precious commodity we have in the world - we only realize it when we're about to lose something. Or if we've already lost it. Eventually, it runs out. There's this quote from a book I read in college called "Exquisite Corpse" that has stuck with me - "There is a last time for meeting with and talking with everyone one knows, but one never knows when that last time will be." Although I know it's true, in some cases, it's just too sad to imagine.

I'm really tired and it's been a long day. I've been getting up early/staying up late to work on stuff. As I said, we only have so much time and I have a lot of writing to do. Because apparently, the only thing I can do now is write. Write it all down. 

"Time" Video

"The Serpent" by Myrkur

Again, I found Myrkur on one of my excursions into the lesser known parts of Spotify. This particular area has a lot of Scandinavian Dark Metal - there was one really killer playlist called "Northern Lights" that had various pagan/metal/goth artists from Iceland, Sweden, Norway, and the like. Although the artist, Amalie Bruun, is Danish, the word myrkur is an Icelandic word meaning "darkness" in English.

For the budding Master of the Dark Arts, you have to get familiar with symbols. It's called the occult for a reason - everything is hidden. Lessons are everywhere, hiding in plain sight. Now, the tricky thing with symbols, correspondences, and a lot of other magical trappings is that - while there are common meanings for everything - the meaning for many things is often at the discretion of the spellcaster. Basil is a common herb for love but, depending on your own personal experience or needs, you might use it for protection or good luck. Amethyst could be worn for protection or psychic enhancement (or both). And the glyphs and methods used to create sigils should be as unique as the witch/wizard creating them.

I chose "The Serpent" because I've been seeing snakes everywhere. My whole life, I've been terrified of them. I would have terrible dreams about being trapped in a room filled with snakes, where I'd wake up in a cold sweat and wouldn't be able to fall asleep unless the light was on. Given this information, you can imagine my surprise when I envisioned myself with a snake tattoo. And now I have one permanently on my body. The tattoo is not quite finished - after 4 1/2 hours, my arm felt so beat up that I had to stop. Even now, a few days later, it feels like I put my arm in a meat grinder. I could sense the artist was disappointed and, in hindsight, I wish I had just powered through that extra hour or so. Can't change it now, though, so I'm trying not to stress over it because it'll be finished in a few weeks. Anyway, this idea of a tattoo came to me and it was of an ouroboros surrounded by my favorite flowers. That particular symbol has been coming up for me a lot lately - in books, in movies, even in random conversations with coworkers. For those who don't know, an ouroboros is a snake eating its own tail. It's a reminder of the wheel of life, the constant cycles of death, transformation, and rebirth that we go through on our journey on Earth. Like a snake shedding its skin, we must leave behind all that is false in order to move forward through existence. Our soul is infinite, growing with each new incarnation.

You’ll always always feel it

Down your spine

Try me and suffer

Impure from holy wood

Where angels fall

Cause I put a spell on you

And I broke your book of rules

I put a spell on you

And I am the truth

Back to the whole snake thing - I had a revelation that maybe my fear of snakes was telling me something. As I look back, there have been pivotal moments in my life when a snake has shown up.

1. One of my earliest memories is one where I'm walking with my sister home from school through the woods in Ft. Meade when we found an injured snake lying on the path. Someone went to get their dad to move it out of harm's way. A few weeks later, my mom moved us to New Mexico, literally leaving in the middle of the night.
2. The summer before I was about to graduate from college, I was walking with a friend to Whataburger at night. I'm talking to him, only vaguely paying attention to my surroundings, when I see out of the corner of my eye what I think is a plastic bag by my feet. My friend jerks me away and I look up to see a sidewinder slinking in the moonlight across the street and into the ditch next to us. Yes, my stupid ass would've stepped on a rattlesnake if my friend hadn't been paying attention. Probably would've died. Probably should've died a dozen times by now, for various reasons, so this is just another failed attempt to take me out.
3. Finally, when I was living at my parents' house after college, I saw the bones of a little rattlesnake in the street while I was out for a run. I passed the skeleton on my daily run for the next week. At the time, I was starting to get really serious about witchcraft and it occurred to me that I should pick up the bones for my alter, but the next time I went running, it was gone. Weirdly enough, this is one of my biggest regrets. Anyway, about a month after this, I quit my job and moved to San Antonio, with only the vaguest of plans in my head.

As I said, I've been terrified of snakes all my life - up until this year. For some reason, the fear has up and left. I've run into garden snakes in my yard, pet a huge albino boa at the aquarium, and even the random pictures that would pop up on my Instagram and Twitter feeds don't startle me anymore. I still have dreams about snakes but they're not scary and I don't wake up in a panic. They're more confusing than anything, to be honest. And what I've taken from this is that our spirit guides don't always come in a form we want them to be. Not the friendly or mysterious creatures that we hope are our guides, like wolves or butterflies. Sometimes, they're the ones that terrify us, are harmful or whom we think cause mischief, like snakes, spiders, and opossums. That's the hardest part, is understanding the language of the spirit world, because it is so unfamiliar and unexpected. A good thing to remember, though, is that they always make themselves known when you're on the right path....which is why, when my husband found a baby snake the day after I got my tattoo, I took it for what it was. A good sign.

"The Serpent" Video

"Believer" by Imagine Dragons

There's this thing in witchcraft that we call The Great Work (or, for those of you schooled in the studies of Hermeticism and alchemy, the Magnum Opus). Spoiler alert: The Great Work is you. It's your life. In Thelema, the magical system developed by Aleister Crowley, the Great Work is the spiritual practices leading to the mystical union of the Self and All. Now, whether or not you follow Mr. Crowley, there is something empowering in knowing that you are your own masterpiece. That's the actual magic of alchemy. Through putting all your energy into accomplishing a goal (such as creating the Philosopher's Stone), the process transforms you, metaphorically turning your soul from lead into gold.

I've been delving deep into Theosophy lately, specifically the lessons of the spiritual path and its similarities to The Hero's Journey. When you see all the threads for what they are, it's hard not to see all the inevitable connections. On the spiritual path, the first initiation is the choice to take the spiritual path. The choice to embody who you are and your destiny. Not unlike what the Hero has to go through, when s/he understands that not going on the journey/quest/mission that has presented itself will leave them unsatisfied. It's not that the life they would have if they don't choose to go on the journey will be unhappy, but it will be safe and unremarkable. And they'll always be left wondering about the "what ifs." In "Believer," the singer stands at the precipice of this choice. He is thinking over his life and he realizes that everything that has happened to him - both good and bad - has led him to this place. He's grateful for all of it. And he realizes he has control over what happens next. Theosophy speaks of many other initiations, all very interesting in their own right, but it's this first one that matters the most. Theoretically, the majority of people don't face this initiation. Maybe they get close but then back away at the last second. Usually out of fear of what other people will think.

First things first

I'ma say all the words inside my head

I'm fired up and tired of the way that things have been, oh ooh

The way that things have been, oh ooh

Second thing second

Don't you tell me what you think that I can be

I'm the one at the sail, I'm the master of my sea, oh ooh

The master of my sea, oh ooh

Which brings me to the subject of Saturn Returns. Saturn is the ruler of discipline, duty, and - yes, my friends - destiny. He forces us to face the essentials of life, the obligations to our community that we have when we are born, and the responsibilities we must accept if we are to continue existing. Saturn Returns have a way of activating parts of our natal chart that have thus far remained dormant. It takes Saturn to go through all 12 signs of the Zodiac approximately 29.5 years and it usually has an influence for about 3 years. For simplicity's sake, let's just say that most people are under the influence of their Saturn Return from when they turn 28 to until the end of age 30. Coincidentally, the average age for divorce is 30. Supposedly, most people turn to whoever they're with and they have one of two reactions: "Yay! I get to spend the rest of my life with this person." or "Oh. My. God. I'm going to spending the rest of my life with this person." Alternatively, Saturn Returns also have a habit of bringing in love from an unexpected source, usually when you're not looking for it. This isn't necessarily a bad thing - Saturn also has a habit of helping people realize what they really want in life. It's the much needed kick-in-the-pants that gets them pointed in the right direction, if they weren't already going that way.

I was thinking about the 3 years that encapsulated my Saturn Return. It's funny - I distinctly remember when I turned 28, I vowed that it was going to be the best year of my life and I wrote down a plan to make that happen in my journal. About a month after writing all those good intentions, I found out I was pregnant. Saturn strikes again...but that's okay, because I've always wanted kids. And maternity leave was like having a built-in writing vacation because, instead of sleeping when the baby slept, I decided to use that time to write (in hindsight, this probably wasn't the best idea....I was always so exhausted). In those 3 years, I had a baby, I got married, I bought a house, received a series of promotions that have gotten me to where my career is today, wrote more than ever, and a few other less pleasant things that I'd rather not mention (but, nonetheless, had a profound impact on me). In spite of some missteps (or perhaps because of them), I feel like I became more myself, which is what is supposed to happen during a Saturn Return. You're supposed to be set on the path you're meant to follow. Not everyone embraces it, though. Sometimes, the opportunity to leave a situation that doesn't reflect your core self presents itself and you don't take it out of some misguided belief of what you should do, rather than what you really want for yourself. Luckily, most people will have another Saturn Return but resisting that first one may cause you to stay in an unhappy situation for longer than you otherwise would have out of fear of facing the unknown. It's important to remember one key piece of guidance when facing a Saturn Return (or any Return or Retrograde, for that matter): Chaos is another name for Opportunity. Embrace the chaos. Saturn knows better than most that, in order to put thing right, you might have to tear everything apart first. Stepping back and seeing the method in the madness is what will ultimately make you a Believer.

"Believer" Video

"Cry Baby" by Melanie Martinez

This song was on the Cancer playlist, which I've been listening to a lot, and I woke up with it stuck in my head this morning. The joke is that Cancers are cry babies but, to be honest, I've had friends who literally told me that they thought I was incapable of crying. The husband has only seen me cry once - and that was when my best friend (whom I had known for 7 years) left El Paso for San Francisco, which was nearly a decade ago. But I'll tell you a secret - I cry a lot more than people think. It occurred to me the other day that I probably have cried more in the past year than I have in my entire life....and I actually think that might be a good thing for me. Being stone-faced and hard was my defense mechanism for dealing with the chaos of my youth. I had to be strong for my sisters, for my family, and pretend I could handle shit on my own (which I can - I'm the fucking best at doing shit on my own). I'm the "Pillar of Strength" that they needed. I always have been. And I know from experience how manipulative tears can be and I don't want to be manipulative. I don't want to force anyone to do anything just to make me happy. Unfortunately, I've found that the stereotype that women turn on the water works when they want something has an uncomfortable ring of truth to it. So I've become very adept at hiding when I do cry but - and I think this is the most disappointing thing I've learned in my life - is that I don't have to try that hard to hide it. People will just straight up ignore anything that makes them uncomfortable. Noticing that someone has been crying makes it feel like you should do something and I don't think anyone really feels like they're good at comforting others. So they don't. Ironically, eliciting community support is one of the primary reasons why we cry for emotional reasons. That's modern society for ya.

Now, you'd think I'd be concerned but I'm not, because I know the symptoms of depression and am relieved to say that I don't really have the hopelessness and lack of interest that comes along with a major depressive episode. On the contrary, I actually feel pretty hopeful and have a renewed sense of purpose. I researched this seriously when I chose this song and it turns out it's really healthy to cry on a regular basis - and that actively repressing the urge to cry may be more damaging to your mental health. Most people cry on average a few times a month, for various reasons. It's important to remember that there's a reason why we developed crying as a response to emotional stimulus. It releases hormones that make us feel better. It's a cathartic release for stress and frustration at a situation. And, as I've already mentioned, it elicits an empathetic reaction from our loved ones that encourages communal bonding. All good things.

You seem to replace

Your brain with your heart

You take things so hard

And then you fall apart

You try to explain

But before you can start

Those cry baby tears

Come out of the dark

I bring it up because I've been crying for some of the most bizarre reasons and my ability to hold back has faltered. For example, I was straight up bawling while watching "You've Got Mail" this weekend. Watching a Meg Ryan movie was supposed to make me feel better after such a stressful week! And even though I've watched that movie more times than any sane person would, I still found myself getting excited during the Meet-Cute, weeping during the moments when Meg and Tom (Hanks) are feeling the most alone, and bouncing in my seat like a child when she finally realizes that the pen pal she fell in love with is also the business rival who befriended her (after destroying her business). Oh, my heart! Of course, this was just a natural evolution. My capacity to contain my tears while watching movies has diminished greatly over the past decade and especially in the past few years (I blame the "mommy" hormones). Weeping on the couch over a cup of chai tea was always going to happen one day. I hate being predictable but, in some ways, I feel like I'm the most predictable person in the world. This was one of those moments.

And yet, there are also those unpredictable moments, when hearing someone else's experience strikes something in my heart that I didn't expect. On some unfortunate occasions, those moments hit when I'm walking on a public street. Recently, I was listening to "The Astrology Podcast" interview with Sabrina Monarch, where they were talking about evolutionary astrology and North-South nodes in a person's chart (a topic that was popping up so much in my periphery that I had no choice but be drawn to it). Sabrina was talking about what she called her "spiritual awakening" and how that, because others didn't understand what was happening to her, she was diagnosed as bipolar. Even though she didn't have the typical symptoms of Bipolar Disorder. That hit me because, when I first started studying psychology, I was extremely concerned that I had Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and/or Bipolar Disorder, like my mom. Coincidentally, this was the main reason I was absolutely terrified when I found out I was pregnant with my son, even though I've always known I wanted to have children. I'm not, though. I've been to enough therapists to know that I would've been diagnosed by now. My late teens/early 20s - when my emotional highs and lows were particularly intense - were just a chaotic time in my life and I reacted accordingly, given what I knew at the time. Lately, I've been feeling that same out-of-control feeling and Sabrina's story helped to ground me a little. I'm not crazy (even though it feels like it), I'm just going through a really intense period of my life and I'm meant to feel it. Because if I don't allow myself to feel it (like I tried to do in my 20s), it will just get worse. I think framing it as a "spiritual awakening" and leaning into the more esoteric topics I'm interested in - like meditation, astrology, and yogic/tantric studies - helps a lot, too. Mostly because those philosophies focus a lot on reducing stress in the body and being in touch with your inner knowing. In Psychology, we just call that shit "coping mechanisms."

You're all on your own and

You lost all your friends

You told yourself that

It's not you, it's them

You're one of a kind

And no one understands

But those cry baby tears

Keep coming back again

Largely due to her experiences with the intersection of psychology and spirituality, Sabrina Monarch started a podcast called "The Magic of the Spheres." I took the time to listen to her interview with Jason Holley, a psychotherapist who incorporates natal chart readings into his practice. I find his approach to therapy enlightening, because it emphasizes that people and their personalities are constantly changing. He also uses astrology as a way to get away from the more clinical language, which turns a lot of people away. They don't want to be diagnosed. They don't want the stigma of being a narcissist or a borderline or a depressive person. And he'd argue that those aren't stable parts of the personality, only processes that the psyche gets stuck in when something inhibits the person's growth. It makes an extremely complex situation understandable for the layperson and, even as someone who has a (useless) degree in the subject, I found that his perspective opened up my mind in the way I thought of mental illness. I also liked how he used his knowledge of a person's chart to make a connection to his patients, to meet them on their level and morph his behavior to where he shows up in the way that will help his patients the most. I think that's extremely important for a therapist to do because, if you are cold and clinical, your patient isn't going to show up more than once or twice (unless it's court-mandated or you're the only psychologist in town). You could be the most knowledgeable psychologist in the world but if someone isn't comfortable confiding in you, in trusting you, you won't be able to help them. Therapy is a lot about breaking down walls - you can't be like everyone else the person has met in their life.

In summation, I am a cry baby...and I don't fucking care.

"Cry Baby" Video

"Hand in My Pocket" by Alanis Morissette

I've been feeling stressed out lately. For a myriad of reasons. The house is a mess. Work is unseasonably busy. My current world is chaos and there's so much to do that I find myself at that point where I'm so overwhelmed I literally don't know where to start. When stressed out, it feels like I have no brain cells at all. And worse, no creativity either. Everything I write sounds like shit to me (and, yes, this post does too, so my apologies). But, as I've said, I hear messages in music and Alanis is one of those artists who I always resonated with. "Jagged Little Pill" came out when I was 8 years old. I grew up on this shit so, please, inject it straight into my veins. Morissette was only like 20 years old when the album came out and it ended up winning Album of the Year at the Grammies, the youngest artist to win that award...until Taylor Swift won it 2010.

I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind

I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah

I'm high but I'm grounded, I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed

I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby

What it all comes down to

Is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine

'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket

And the other one is giving a high five

"Hand in My Pocket" is about embracing the contradictions within yourself and your life, and just letting things be. It ain't that serious. Even when it seems like it is. It's one of the more light-hearted, humorous songs on the album, which might be why I've always liked it. Humor - or, at least, the ability to see the humor in dark situations - has always carried me through life. I've also made it a practice to accept that I have always been a bundle of opposing forces. I can't just be one thing, because I feel like I'm everything at the same time. Always. It's infuriating. Sometimes, I wish I could focus enough to be just really great at one thing, but then something else catches my attention. Always the Pathological Generalist. But I find that this also makes me really good at talking with people, because I always know at least a little bit about whatever the other person is interested in (at least enough to be dangerous) to get the conversation started. There's a positive and a negative side to everything. Some days, it's just harder to focus on the positive. That's a skill you have to take time to master, even if you're naturally good at it because, man, sometimes feeling bad feels oh so good. And it's a great excuse. But, I'm trying not to rely on excuses any more, because I know better - when you're a person who genuinely has the ability to regulate their mood well, your emotional state really does become a choice and you start realizing that - most of the time - the thing that's making you unhappy is you.

I bought an oracle deck called "Threads of Fate," which is specifically designed for doing shadow work. To be honest, I prefer oracle decks to tarot cards - I understand the mechanics and symbolism of tarot, I just don't really feel anything unless the artwork deviates greatly from the traditional symbolism (the only tarot deck I really resonate with is The Slutist Tarot, and that artwork is very obviously non-traditional). Oracle cards are different. I feel like oracle cards are more like introspective conversation starters. You're not asking the cards a question, they are asking you. The first card I pulled from the Threads of Fate deck was the Paradox card, which addressed this idea of non-duality. Some people really struggle with this idea and society has a tendency to reinforce duality. If you are successful, that means you can't be lazy. If you're highly intelligent and rational, you can't be emotional and illogical. There's a heavy emphasis on permanence, but ultimately, permanence is an illusion. Everything is temporary, everything is always in a state of flux, including your being. And yet, at your core, you are always you. These aren't competing ideas - it's just how things are. In order to embrace non-dualism, we have to embrace transformation. Embrace change. And embrace how things are in the present moment and not fight to keep things the same as how they were in the past. It sucks, because - due to the way our brains work - the past can seem deceivingly nice and warm and fuzzy. So we cling to it because we think that if we hold onto it, life will be that way again. That's just not how life works. Every moment is different. Even if it seems familiar, there's something unique in each minute and second that can never be regained. It's important to stop and recognize this from time to time. And take note of how you're feeling, too, because that will tell you everything about what direction you need to go.

I'm free but I'm focused, I'm green but I'm wise

I'm hard but I'm friendly, baby

I'm sad but I'm laughing, I'm brave but I'm chicken shit

I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

I hope July ends soon. Honestly, I'm ready for it to be 2020 already, because this year has been both taking forever to get through and yet going way too fast. Another one of those contradictions that makes things feel chaotic. I know it's not, though. There is a plan and a pattern, and it will make sense when it's all said and done. "I open at the close." Just gotta keep meditating and plodding along with faith in my path. And, as Alanis said...Everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine. 

"Hand in My Pocket" Video

"Where is My Mind?" by The Pixies

As Mercury Retrograde slipped back into Cancer yesterday, I woke up with a song in my head. Not just any song. Honestly, just a specific voice. A voice from my past. I tried to fight it but I gave into nostalgia and watched the YouTube video it came from and, as my punishment, I was haunted by it all day. No matter how I tried to distract myself, no matter how many other songs I listened to, no matter how many people I talked to, the song came back. It carried on until a little bit ago when, during my mantra meditation, it was replaced by this song. And I let it go. Sometimes, there's a reason why the past should stay in the past - you just have to remind yourself. That's the lesson of Mercury Retrograde.

With your feet in the air and your head on the ground

Try this trick and spin it, yeah

Your head will collapse

But there's nothing in it

And you'll ask yourself

In spiritual circles, they talk a lot about surrender, which is a difficult concept to explain. Every time I think I understand - when I think I've actually felt like I've surrendered - I hit a patch of resistance that drives me to darkness. But when I get through it, there's an even deeper level to surrender to. It feels like a slow state of becoming. That's the only way I can describe it. I'm no longer interested in being someone I'm not. I'm not worried about what people think of me. I don't want to force myself to do things I don't want to do because I'm supposed to. I'm trying to listen to that tiny voice that helps me decipher what I actually want. For example, I was browsing Twitter and someone was talking about a writer's retreat that they went on recently. And I thought, "Wow. I really want to do a writer's retreat one day." "Why don't you?" the tiny voice asked. "Oh, I haven't written anything worthy of disappearing for two weeks to work on. And now isn't a good time." "Some day will be, so you better keep working."

Liz Gilbert talks about this in "Eat, Pray, Love" - about how the tiny voice will tell you that you want things that seem silly and out of character. But out of character for who? That's when you realize you get to choose the person you want to be. I want to be a person who meditates and does yoga. Done! I want to be a practicing witch. Done! I want to live more sustainably. Great! I want to read these kind of books. Well, read them! I want to be fluent in French, Italian, and Icelandic. That sounds like a lot but have at it! It's not that complicated, but we make it out to be and then we make fun of people who are actually living their lives authentically. That's not who I want to be. I also don't want to be the person who is too afraid to follow where their heart takes them because they cling to a rigid of idea of who they're supposed to be. Yes, I did just reference the previous Song du Jour in this post. I've awarded myself double points.

There's this quote from "The Alchemist" that comes to mind when I get these feelings where I want something that's seemingly impossible at the moment. "When you want something, the whole Universe conspires to help you." By help, Paulo Coelho says that it shows you signs or gives you opportunities that bring you closer to your dreams. No matter what you do, everything brings you closer. And if you're seeing signs, that's what it's meant to do - to remind you of your destiny and gently bring you back to where you need to be. Or to let you know that you're on the right path. Sometimes, the signs can be overwhelming, especially when you've told yourself repeatedly that you're not supposed to want what you want. Eventually, your only choice is to surrender - accept that the signs are there and they are, in fact, bringing your mind back to this impossible, unreasonable desire. Fighting it is resistance, allowing it is surrender. As long as you're paying attention, the only thing you need to do is allow it and keep working your way forward, as usual.

A few notes on the song. It's from the Pixies' iconic album, "Surfer Rosa." One of the first vinyls I bought. My best friend in college, Ana, had the album cover (which is the above picture) on her wall in her room. And I always wondered what her parents thought. The answer is "Who cares? That image is amazing." The singer said the song was inspired by a scuba diving session he went on. I've interpreted it as you have to control your thoughts or they'll control you. It's fitting that this song plays at the end of "Fight Club," as Jack and Marla watch the buildings collapse in front of them. Throughout the whole movie, he's let his shadow run amok and the sanest moment for him in the whole movie is watching his world crumble around him. "You met me at a very strange time in my life."

"Where is My Mind?" Video

"Giver" by K.Flay

My son and I love K.Flay. She's one of the only artists he knows by name - every time one of her music videos comes on, he gets all excited and shouts "It's K.Flay." I feel that way, too, baby. Based on her music, I feel like we've had similar life experiences. She's a fellow Cancer and she also majored in Psychology during university, which explains the introspective nature of a lot of her lyrics. This particular song came up in my playlist and it's had me thinking a lot lately. I don't know why I listen to music that makes me ruminate so hard on my existence. It just happens.

"Giver" is about that phase after what could be loosely termed a "spiritual awakening" (or a Dark Night of the Soul, more like....been through plenty of those), where you realize you've got to be different in some way. You've got to be better, or else you won't survive. But there's an insecurity that comes along with it, that you don't know how to be, that you're just going to fuck it up and it's not even worth trying. Maybe you treated others pretty shitty in the past. Or - just as bad - you've been selling yourself short. You start questioning your intentions, especially when you're trying to "make good" by being a kinder, more generous version of yourself. Or you have to fight falling back into old submissive patterns when you assert your needs and boundaries, because you immediately get pushback from those who were taking advantage of you. That's okay - keep going. That means the change is truly taking root. Because if you can't acknowledge that you were different in the past, have you really evolved? Maybe it's because of the experiences I've had, but I can always tell when someone is changing their behavior as a manipulation tactic. Perhaps it's because they become defensive when you point out their past bad behavior. If the shift was genuine, they'd be able to acknowledge and apologize for how they acted or the things they've said before. Otherwise, it's just gaslighting.

I'm learning to live

I'm trying to be better

I'm learning to give

But I don't know if I'm a giver

I don't know if I'm a giver

I don't know if I'm a giver

I got so much soul in my body

But no one keeping me honest

And whole days turn into holes in my mind

I got high hopes lots of potential

I'm high, broke, searching for symbols

And I will not let go of what is mine

This song, in particular, recently got under my skin because of something a tarot reader/social worker/counselor I follow on Twitter/Instagram, Jessica Dore, wrote for one of her daily draws. It was about gift giving as manipulation. I've always felt kind of uncomfortable with receiving gifts, because they always seemed to come with strings attached. As a result, I've always been fairly self-sufficient. If I want something, and I can afford it, I buy it. I don't need anyone to buy me anything and that's how I assert my freedom. No one owns me. And then it occurs to me - maybe the mere fact that I don't want to be owned means I can't be.

So what happens when you realize that you want gifts from certain people - especially people you feel you give a lot of time, energy, and care to - and you don't get them? I find myself saying "It's fine" a lot. And then I wonder if it's maybe my own fault - I've pretended that I'm this low-maintenance person who doesn't need or want to be spoiled for so long, people actually believed me? But asking for what I want feels burdensome and I fear that being honest about what I want will cause people to abandon me. (That's where the insecurity comes in.) Then I'm surprised when I feel depleted and resentful, because I'm still over-giving in hope that I receive a little bit in return, but it doesn't work that way. I would argue I have the opposite problem of K.Flay - I know how to give, I just don't know how to receive.

But that's part of the enlightenment and recovery. Realizing the person you pretended to be isn't who you are and navigating the obstacles you face trying to embody your authentic self. The scary thing, though, is that you will lose things along the way. Friends, lovers, addictions, coping methods, parts of your personality that you believed were "you" for so long. It's a shedding of everything that doesn't work anymore, if it ever really worked at all. The only thing to do is just trying to be that best version of yourself every day. Like K.Flay says in the song, you can't let go of what is yours.

"Giver" Video

"Fidelity" by Regina Spektor

I discovered this song while watching "Secret Diary of a Call Girl," a British show that I enjoyed watching once upon a time. I thought it had been cancelled after two seasons but, during my research for this post, I learned it actually survived for four. I think the issue was that America stopped importing it to Showtime and that's why I only saw the first two seasons. I found the show fascinating, mostly because it was largely based on a true story about a grad student who became a call girl to pay for her tuition. I read the book, too - the show is more inspired by the events than based on what happened but I liked learning about Belle de Jour's adventures nonetheless. And - in case you're wondering - yes, I am the type of person who hears a few notes during a shower scene starring Billie Piper and the first thing I think of is, "I've got to find that song...." I find the best songs when I'm just watching a show or walking through a restaurant. Next to Spotify, Shazam is the most used music app on my phone and you'll be surprised to know it rarely fails me.

As I was saying, I do try to do a little research before writing this blog, which I can understand may be hard to believe. I especially like to look up the song meanings, to make sure I actually heard the message that was being conveyed. Usually, I'm pretty spot on but today, I was pleasantly surprised. This song is slightly misleading in that, depending on how you're feeling when you're listening to the lyrics, it's either a break up song or a happy love song. I wouldn't have realized this if I hadn't been reading the comments, which I do from time to time because I find other people's thoughts entertaining and - occasionally - enlightening. I like this one person's interpretation of it as a happy love song, which basically goes like this....the singer never truly loved anyone before and now that she has, she understands that she was holding herself back in ways she could never understand and that's what breaks her heart. This interpretation reminds me of a Rumi quote, which I will include here (because I am now - and have always been - the type of person who quotes Rumi and Hafiz and Neruda)....

"Break your heart until it opens."

It seems simple enough but it's so hard to grasp in practice. I've been reading a lot of books - not all of which are of the spiritual persuasion - but a singular theme seems to be arising. True love shows you who you are. It doesn't just make you the person you always wanted to be, it reminds you that you already are. You just have to wipe a little dust off the mirror, that's all.  And while I'm still trying earnestly to grasp these philosophical concepts that oftentimes seem just out of reach, I'm getting closer. And with philosophy - which has no right or wrong answers, an much needed respite in a world desperately clinging to absolutes - if something feels true, hold onto it. Because it might be.

Suppose I never ever met you

Suppose we never fell in love

Suppose I never ever let you

Kiss me so sweet and so soft

Suppose I never ever saw you

Suppose you never ever called

Suppose I kept on singing love songs

Just to break my own fall

During the chorus, Spektor sings, "I hear in my mind all of these voices, I hear in my mind all of these words, and I hear in my mind all of this music." In the interpretation that I found, the voices and the words are all of her doubts and fears that prevented her from fully loving someone before this point. The verse above is all her "what ifs," the troubling things she thinks about when she's really forced to be alone with her heart. And that's the crux of it - we let those doubts and fears get in the way. As a sort of protection, a shield around our hearts. Maybe less of a shield and more of a cage. But, from what I've been learning and digesting (both lately and throughout most of my human experience) is that Love is freeing. It frees you from whatever is holding you back, because those chains can no longer contain you. You're invincible. I realize now I may sound a bit like Christian from "Moulin Rouge." I was always able to identify with the perspectives of both him and Satine. Always understood her (very justified) Fear, but always embraced his untethered hope and faith in Love. In the end, they switch roles - she has hope that Love will redeem her and he Fears that what he felt was never real. But eventually, those fears and doubts are dissolved and what is left is pure. Pure everything. Pure Love. Pure Music. Everything came full circle in the most emotional and uplifting song in the entire movie. And I think that's why most songs are about Love - because music has this powerful ability to transport us to that place with the most basic beauty that humans can create. That the universe created. Sound. Music was the first art. And it will surely be the last, whenever the end comes.

There's a lot of symbolism in the video, mostly surrounding the use of color. Again, at first blush, you think you're watching the video of a break up song. But then she turns it around and nothing is as you thought it was. Enjoy!

"Fidelity" Video