Fantasies and Frivolities ("Crush" by Ethel Cain)

I have a lot on my mind. It seems the theme of this year has been chaos, which is unfortunate because my words for the year were supposed to be "creation" and "transformation." I don't feel like getting into politics now - we all know we've got a front row seat to the shitshow. And while there's a lot I could say, I'm pretty sure a lot of it has already been said and it's falling on deaf ears. I can scream into the void with the best of them, but why waste the energy. Especially when this blog is supposed to be about music and - by extension - the emotions and memories and associations it stirs up from the abyss of my subconscious. So instead, I'm going to tell you about the songs (and other things) getting me through these shenanigans. Thanks for joining me on the ride.

His window's already passed, so he's shooting at the glass

Keeping guns in his locker, and he denies it

Like it's actually important, but he lied 'cause I sure did watch him

Showing up wearing black, and he knows that

Like much of my favorite music nowadays, I discovered Ethel Cain via an Instagram scroll. I follow a lot of miniaturists and there's this one miniaturist in particular that does a lot of Southern Gothic and horror inspired artwork. She was showing off this miniature church sign she made. The white paint was faded and nicked, the back papered with Missing posters, and the message in block letters proclaiming, "God Loves You, But Not Enough to Save You." I think about those words more often than I care to admit. The song featured on the post was "Sun-Bleached Flies" by Ethel Cain, which is where the the lyric comes from. It hints at disillusionment, with God, with love, with life. The artist (@southerngothicdollhouse on IG) sells a kit for people to make a similar sign themselves. I kind of want to buy it but it's $150 and I don't think I can justify it. To be clear, she provides all the pieces including the paints, so there's value in it - I'm not saying it's not worth the money. But I have a quarter-finished book nook that's calling my name and I really need to learn how to finish the things I start before buying more hobby paraphernalia. 

His daddy's on death row, but he'll say it with his chest, though

His friends move dope, he hasn't tried coke

But he's always had a problem saying no

His older brother bagged the valedictorian

His mother, steady, screaming he should be more like him

Anyway, back to this Ethel Cain song - another slow burn obsession for me, it's been popping up in pole class and it's an easy go-to for freestyling at home. Ethel Cain's music reminds me a lot of the early-mid 90s shoegaze-type rock. Dreamy, experimental, a little grungy, beautiful nigh haunting vocals. Honestly, it's the kind of vibe I prefer to bring to the table - to pole class or to work....or to really anywhere. I've heard of Ethel Cain's music being grouped in with country and, I'll admit, there is a Southern Gothic tint to her aesthetic. However, listening to the lyrics, it conjures up the imagery of being in a small Midwest town. Where you know everyone in your senior class because there's barely enough teenagers around to justify a high school. The crush in question is probably not the best guy to be running around with. Hides guns in his locker, wears all black, has stoner friends. I was a teenager during the early 2000s - I'm no stranger to being intrigued by the weird, quiet Goth kid. But I know being the weird Goth kid in a rural town somewhere in the Bible Belt carries a heavier weight than where I went to high school. 

Can you read my mind? I've been watching you

(You know it, you know it, you know it's true)

Couldn't fight to save your life, but you look so cool

Camo' jacket, robbing corner stores

Hard odds to beat when you're on all fours

Good men die too, oh, I'd rather be with you, you, you

I've added "Crush" to my Unskippables playlist....I'm past the obsessive listening phase, which usually ends in wanting to not hear a song again for at least a couple of months. I could listen this basically any time now. The point of "The Unskippables" is that they're songs I keep coming back to, that I love hearing over and over and over. Songs I'd put in every playlist, if I didn't have any self respect or mix tape skillz. I've been trying to pinpoint why certain songs capture my devotion and the closest explanation I've gotten to is that they elicit a particular emotion in me. A vision, a place in time, a story that I have playing in my brain. For "Iris," I am both the singer and the person being sung about. With "Desert Song," I am lost in the torment of both my deepest hopes and darkest fears. And with "Crush," I'm taken back to being a boy-crazy teenaged girl, who had a thing for weirdos and nerds and outcasts...

I owe you a black eye and two kisses

Tell me when you wanna come and get 'em

I only want him if he says it first to me

I wanna, uh, him in the back of his mom's Mercury

He looks like he works with his hands, and smells like Marlboro Reds

It makes me so, uh, and I can't get enough of it

I remember those times vividly - having a crush was fun. The adrenaline of running into them unexpectedly in the hallway. Spying them out in the wild, hanging out in their natural habitat (the mall). Or praying very loudly in your head not to be paired with them for a class assignment and then, of course, being paired up with them because God needed some entertainment that week. This has happened to me - multiple times. One of several real-world reasons why I think there's something to manifestation. There's this theory in manifestation circles that the Universe doesn't interpret negatives, so if you're praying for something not to happen, it will happen because you're still thinking about it happening. Don't think too hard about that, you'll get paranoid. Anyway, the B-plot in a story/series I'm writing is somewhat of a love story. The characters are younger - not teenaged, because that's over-done, but pre-to-mid Saturn Return - so I'm trying to put myself in that mindset. The intrigue, the hopefulness of meeting a person who you intensely vibe with and looking forward to the possibility of seeing them randomly (or not so randomly) during the course of your day. Does it end badly? It might. Statistically, it probably will - but it'll be an adventure.

Low slung bad bitch, baby, come and get you some

I haven't written here in a bit. Pushing this out into the void, as a sort of kick in the pants. Work is draining, it's hard to find motivation or will to write but the thoughts are still there. Besides, these little "my favorite thing right now" posts are easy, even if they're mostly fluff. Have a good week, dear reader.

Crush - Official Music Video

Rising in Chaos ("Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?" by Taylor Swift)

It's that time of year again.... I know I haven't written in a while but I couldn't miss T-Swift's birthday. I wish I could say I've been working on other things but the truth is this year has been a whirlwind and I got caught up in the swirl. Even now, I'm at home because I had over 60 hours of PTO left when I returned from Argentina and I need to burn it because it's use it or lose it. The last two years, my company did a payout but, when you hire a bunch of workaholic engineers, that gets expensive. Oh yeah...I went to Argentina over Thanksgiving. It was great - Buenos Aires definitely grows on you and I'd like to go back when we have more free time to explore.  The city has a rich history, amazing coffee, and is super walk-able, at least in the area where we stayed. 

  … So I leap from the gallows and I levitate down your street
Crash the party like a record scratch as I scream
"Who's afraid of little old me?"
You should be

Alright, back to Taylor. I actually didn't get into The Tortured Poets Department when it came out - as I've mentioned in the past, I prefer to discover songs when it's the "right" time for me to find them, even when it comes to my favorite artists. I go through cycles - even with My Chemical Romance and Florence Welch, I'll often hear a song once when an album comes out and then suddenly become obsessed with it years later, when it hits the perfect emotional chord and reflects exactly what I'm going through at that specific moment in my life. As you may have guessed from the title of this post, I'm very much feeling "Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?" right now. (Un)Coincidentally, I've adopted it as my vibe for 2025. And let me tell you a little bit about what we're heading into - I'm making an educated guess it is going to be even crazier next year. Surprisingly, I'm feeling really jazzed up about it. Honestly, it feels very much like the excited feeling I had during the lead up to 2020.....and we all know how that ended up. However, I don't think this is a false high. I'm going into next year with my eyes wide open. I'm aware the astrology for next year is fucking wild - but that doesn't mean it has to bad on a personal level. There's a lot of exciting things going on right now - I'll cover those in more depth in another post (that I've been tinkering with for the better part of a year). I will say this - this song is exactly the tone to strike as we head into an extended period of Mars Retrograde for the rest of the year and the first quarter of 2025.

I was tame, I was gentle till the circus life made me mean
"Don't you worry, folks, we took out all her teeth"
Who's afraid of little old me?
Well, you should be

A small part of the retrograde (approximately 6 degrees) will be in Leo but the vast majority of the time, Mars will be hanging out in the later degrees of Cancer. This is not Mars at its best - arguably, this is Mars at its worst, because Mars is in its Fall while in the sign of Cancer. What does that mean? Well, it's Cancer - it's moody, it holds grudges, it's passive aggressive....it's a bit unstable. When you add Mars to the mix - the planet of War, violence, anger, aggression, passion, sex, etc - things can get a little chaotic. The outlook can become quite dark and pessimistic and vengeful. And I say this as a native Mars in Cancer (at the anaretic degree!). I will be the first to admit I am not fun to be around when I'm angry. I've been told I'm downright scary, which is the overwhelming contradiction of the Cancerian nature. From far away, they look sweet, gentle, nurturing, maybe even meek....but you don't want to fuck with them. Because Cancer is a sign of extremes - they can be the nicest person you've ever met until you piss them off. Particularly when it comes to Mars in Cancer, there's a tendency towards over-reaction and often it will seem to come out of nowhere because - like their symbol, the Crab - Cancerians will come at you sideways. The approach is indirect and thus, hard to predict. Much like Scorpio, they have a talent for patiently waiting until the opportune moment to strike and they won't hold back. And of course, it's Cancer - if you come for their family, you're fucked. We saw this earlier in the year, during the rap battle between Mars in Cancer native, Kendrick Lamar, and Drake. 

 … Is it a wonder I broke? Let's hear one more joke
Then we could all just laugh until I cry

As I've mentioned previously, Taylor Swift has some strong placements in Cancer, most notably her Moon, but also Jupiter (which is exalted in Cancer) and Chiron. Swift has cultivated this whole persona of being kind to her fans, effortlessly poetic in her art, and dreamily soft and sweet in her aesthetic -  but in order to survive in the music business, she's become notably ruthless within the industry. She is one of the most litigious artists when it comes to copyright (example: famously trying to copyright the phrase "this sick beat"), she made history by earning back the rights to her repertoire by simply re-recording the songs she released under her previous record label (and made even more money on those recordings), and is known for writing and releasing songs about her easily identifiable exes (which usually results in a unyielding public backlash for those unfortunate men). She is nought to be trifled with. She is an icon and possibly the most formidable female artists we will see in our lifetime. True, some of those aforementioned legal battles could be characterized as unethical. After all, Swift is a billionaire and there's an argument to be made that billionaires cannot exist without exploitation. I assure you - this isn't the post to make that argument, just something to let roll around in your head. That's the whole message of this song - the sweet girl she was when she started making music would not, could not survive the music industry. In fact, that wholesome naivete was swiftly killed the moment she got an iota of mainstream success (pun intended). If she's terrible, it's because she has to be. It's no secret that young women in the music (and film) business are often taken advantage of and exploited to the utmost. Some of those horror stories - featuring prominent artists, musicians, and actors - are just barely coming to the surface now. There's a reason why the idea of a Villain Era resonates so strongly right now - villains aren't created in a vacuum. And more often than not, the context of a villain origin story is rooted in exploitation and degradation at the hands of those with more power and influence. Can you really condemn a person if their environment gave them no other choice? Just one of the many philosophical conundrums we have awaiting for us as we start our journey through Pluto in Aquarius. 

… I wanna snarl and show you just how disturbed this has made me
You wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me
So all you kids can sneak into my house with all the cobwebs
I'm always drunk on my own tears, isn't that what they all said?
That I'll sue you if you step on my lawn
That I'm fearsome and I'm wretched and I'm wrong
Put narcotics into all of my songs
And that's why you're still singing along

Real talk though - this year left me exhausted. As usual, it is (at least) partially my fault. I give way too much of myself, especially to my work, expecting that I'll be rewarded (or, at bare minimum, appreciated). And I'm not going to say that hasn't worked out for me - I got a promotion and two raises this year - but at what cost? When I went to Argentina, I had to leave my work phone at home. I was literally unreachable for the week and I could focus on enjoying the experience and participate fully in my sister's wedding. When I got back, I actually felt rejuvenated....and then two days into my first week back at work, I was burnt out again. Clearly I'm doing something wrong - I'm caring too much, I'm taking on too much responsibility, I'm trying to make progress when faced with incompetent peers. I enjoy my work but I'm realizing my personal goals for this past year took a back seat to "getting the mission done." Don't get me wrong - the mission is important. It always will be. But I'm tired of living that way. I want to find a new path forward. I have no more fucks to give, and I can't renew my reserve of fucks if I'm not taking the time to generate them. Does that make sense? Doesn't matter. I have a lot of ideas for what I want to do in 2025 but my main challenge for next year is making the space for them to become reality. 

"Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?" Official Lyric Video

"Better When I'm Dancin'" by Meghan Trainor

 Today, we have a penumbral lunar eclipse in Gemini, the first of a series of eclipses occurring on my Ascendant. It also marks the start of the final eclipse season for 2020 and we're almost out of the battle royale in Capricorn, as Jupiter and Saturn will be making their way into Aquarius really soon (mid-late December). Congratulations! You've survived 2020! Perhaps celebrating is premature but things are starting to get better, even if we can't see them. As we know, eclipses portend major changes in the House they fall in our natal chart. As a Gemini Rising, this series of eclipses (as eclipses fall near the lunar nodes, which change approximately every 1.5 years) will be making aspects in my first and seventh Houses - the House of Self and the House of Partnerships. At the begin of the COVID Crisis, I watched a really interesting astrology webinar that posited that, aside from being the House of Partnerships, the 7th House contains our Shadow. I felt there might be something to that, because we often are triggered (i.e., attracted or repulsed) by traits we are repressing. For example, I've always been attracted to charismatic people. My best friend in high school often said my "type" was the loudest guy in the room - and that has been so true. Up until recently, because as I've integrated my Shadow more and became more of my authentic self, I've found that I can be quite charismatic and charming, too. Often when I'm not even aware of it - well, duh, it's my Shadow. To reach Maslow's ideal state of "self-actualization," you have to fully integrate the Shadow into the Self.

Don't think about it

Just move your body

Listen to the music

Sing, oh, ey, oh

Just move those left feet

Go ahead, get crazy

Anyone can do it

Sing, oh, ey, oh

I've been feeling much better - not depressed by my standards anymore - but I plan to continue counseling because there's clearly a lot of stuff I still need to work on. Mostly around meeting and communicating my own needs, desires, and boundaries. I have a tendency to slip into codependent behaviors - giving to much of myself (in an attempt to feel worthy and avoid rejection/abandonment) without considering (or noticing) if others are reciprocating. My mindset in the past has been "if I do more, then the other person will do more." And that's simply not true. You have to ask for what you want and the other person will (1) make an honest effort to meet your request fully or (2) they won't and you have to ask someone else. And you have to be prepared to accept their response at face value, even if it's disappointing. No making up narratives about how "they really want to but they can't for some reason." Yes, being generous, caring, and helpful is in my nature, but I'm learning I need to be more discerning in who deserves my time and energy. With one month left (and it's sure to be just as eventful), I'm grateful for this year. It's unveiled the cracks in the foundation of how I deal with life and I'm finally in a place to start patching those up. So when the next baby (or other life changing circumstance) comes along, I can cope better with whatever craziness it triggers.

Show the world you've got that fire (fire)

Feel the rhythm getting louder

Show the room what you can do

Prove to them you got the moves

I don't know about you,

My favorite YouTube astrologer, Wondergirl (yeah...I don't know her real name...I think it might be Britney?) has been framing the Saturn - Pluto conjunction in Capricorn this year as huge transformational energy. Although it was only exact on January 12th, it's been in a loose conjunction since April 2019. Wondergirl says that, since that time, we've been trying to change our lives in ways we haven't been able to for the last 35 years. For some people, like myself, that's my whole life! And yeah, I've just realized in the last year that I've been mistaking codependency and repression for kindness, loyalty, and love - and it's really not fucking working for me. It never has. The same things that attract all those "pure of heart" people I've mentioned also attracts some really shitty people. And I never see it coming. I always get it wrong, because I want to believe the best in people. Weirdly enough, I have a tendency to keep the best people at a distance. There's a better song to analyze those issues, though. Long story short - I have been trying to fundamentally change my life since last April. Maybe I haven't been aware of it the whole time but I have been.

But I feel better when I'm dancing, yeah, yeah

Better when I'm dancing, yeah, yeah

And we can do this together

I bet you feel better when you're dancing, yeah, yeah

Stale approaches to how we used to solve our problems just aren't going to cut it anymore, so we have to take a leap of faith into the great unknown. It's uncomfortable but it's necessary. A lot of people are excited to "get back to normal" when the vaccine starts rolling out next year but - let's face it - the old normal was shitty. Why would you want to go back to that? Because it's familiar? Because it's easy? Because it's less scary? Because you've invested so much time into that way of life? No, none of those are good reasons. When you know better, you do better. If you keep doing things the same way - accepting the same situations, following the same patterns, attracting the same people - expecting different results, the fault is on you when you're unhappy. Regardless of whether you believe in astrology, I think that's a good way of looking at downturns in life. Every day is an opportunity to grow into the person you were meant to be. I've transformed into a million different people in my life thus far (total Gemini Rising thing) yet, somehow, I'm even more myself than ever. Weird.

"Better When I'm Dancin'" was featured in the "Peanuts Movie," and that's the only notable thing about this song. It's fun and it makes me feel happy. So much so that I've added it to my "Party Like It's the End of the World" playlist on Spotify. Yes, I spend more time thinking about what my playlists should be named than picking out the songs featured in them. Trying to keep this energy as my first day back at work is tomorrow. As is custom, this post is set to be published at the time of the eclipse.

"Better When I'm Dancin'" Video

"Finally // beautiful stranger" by halsey

I've had this song stuck in my head for a couple days. When I hear it, I know she's singing about Evan Peters (the lyrics "You've got hips like jagger and two left feet" especially remind me of him). Before they started dating, they were both in pretty abusive relationships. Peters' relationship was very visible because he was dating Emma Roberts (Julia Roberts' niece). She's not a nice person. She was verbally abusive to him, treated him like he was worthless, and - yes - she was physically violent. In the instances where the police would intervene, she'd always claim he was also violent but when they checked them both out, she'd be free of marks whereas he'd be beat to shit. People seem to think men can't be victims of domestic violence, but it happens more often than we realize. I think these public situations - like between Peters and Roberts and, more recently, Johnny Depp's issues with Amber Heard - are bringing more light to the problem. Anyway, halsey's experiences in her relationships have left her a little mistrustful of anyone who tries to get close to her. She's cognizant of this and how her defense mechanisms could ruin a good thing. So she's trying to work through it.

Oh, we're dancing in my living room

And up come my fists

And I say, "I'm only playing"

But the truth is this

That I've never seen a mouth

That I would kill to kiss

And I'm terrified, but I can't resist

And I say

I recently had the opportunity to take a short relational psychology course online. It was mostly from a women's studies perspective and it had a lot to do with why we (women) act the way we do and the latent instincts that these behaviors evolved from. There were several insights I found interesting, mostly because I realized - at least, for me - that they were true. First, we don't share important details with people we don't trust. I know this is true because I can find myself mentally calculating how to avoid telling people certain things, even in the middle of conversations where those facts might be relevant. Second, the facilitator was discussing something she realized after talking to one of her students - if a woman doesn't feel safe, she can't feel loved. This got me thinking because one of the indicators of attraction (that develops into love), from a man's standpoint, is to become protective over the object of his affection. If she reciprocates the feeling, she appreciates it - if not, the behavior can be cloying and seen as a little possessive (in an unattractive way).

I was thinking about it and there are certain behaviors where, if a man I love does them, I feel special and safe. Putting a hand on my back to gently redirect me towards a safer path; standing perhaps a little to close to me when we're in a moderately crowded room; rushing to help me when I feel flustered; checking that I made it home safe after a night out; and, especially, driving cautiously when I'm with them, because pretty much everyone in my family is a terrible and/or aggressive driver so if I have a choice, I generally prefer to drive myself places (unfortunately, I usually lose the fight over who gets to drive). However, I found myself unable to sleep on Friday night because I was thinking about how I'm genuinely unable to acknowledge when I'm feeling unsafe. I've been doing a lot of Inner Child work lately and I was able to figure it out pretty quickly - throughout my life, when I felt unsafe, those feelings were often ignored or disregarded. As a result, I learned to repress feelings of fear. I learned that repressing a lot of things - my needs, my emotions, my thoughts, my opinions, even my personality - was in my best interest (the best way to stay "safe") and it's been a long road of undoing that programming.

Beautiful stranger

Here you are in my arms and I know

That beautiful strangers

Only come along to do me wrong

And I hope, beautiful stranger

Here you are in my arms

But I think it's finally

Finally, finally, finally, finally safe

For me to fall

So, how does a lifetime of repressing fear and a need for safety manifest? Pretending I don't need help or that I can take care of myself. Pretending I'm not scared when I am (putting on a "brave face"). Becoming overly defensive in response to violated boundaries or becoming emotionless during moments of conflict. Being unable to ask for what I want or need, because I feel like I'm imposing on other people. Keeping my thoughts and emotions to myself, because being vulnerable with someone is too much of a risk. Being unable to admit that I want certain people to feel protective over me, because I never really had that growing up - and feeling disappointed when they don't meet that need. Being protective over people who don't feel like they have to reciprocate because I'm so "self-sufficient." I'm often that friend who asks people to text me when they get home, but I rarely get that back. When I think of my inner child, I see a little girl hiding in a closet, blasting Hanson on her Walkman so she can drown out the yelling. Music has always been my comfort zone. Especially recently, with everything going on in my life, I've been listening to my favorite songs on repeat.

I've never recognized a purer face

You stopped me in my tracks

And put me right in my place

Used to think that loving

Meant a painful chase

But you're right here now

And I think you'll stay

Like everyone, I had all these great plans for 2020 (and beyond) and then the Universe threw me, not just one, but several curve balls. "Do you really want to go through this? Okay, great! Here's a huge complication, good luck with that." Venus Retrograde in Gemini - especially if it's in one of your angular houses (i.e., 1, 4, 7, and 10) - has a tendency to have you rethinking your whole life and everything in it. It's about reassessing patterns, especially in relationships. Codependent patterns will become especially unbearable - people-pleasing, seeking approval from others, denying your own needs, self-criticism/self-judgment, and compulsively trying to fix or take care of others (who refuse to take care of themselves). These behaviors result in low self-esteem and internalized self-hatred, and make you easily manipulated and controlled by others. However, Venus is all about self-esteem and self-love, which is why these patterns become so obvious during this time. We start to realize that we deserve better than how we've allowed others to treat us. We start taking care of ourselves more and stop focusing on how others perceive us. We begin to understand where our efforts are unappreciated and accept that maybe it's time to let go.

I've resumed my daily writing habit and I've been using the time to work on some other stuff - mostly journaling and short stories, but also world-building for a novel I want to write and some (bad) poetry. Don't be surprised if the songs take a more nostalgic turn or if the posts become a bit shorter.

"Finally // beautiful stranger" Video

"Trampoline" by SHAED feat. ZAYN

One of the things I've always been fascinated with was dream interpretation. Like Jung and Freud, I believe witnessing and understanding your dreams can be a powerful tool in psychoanalysis. Dreams are an amalgamation of everything we've amassed in our waking life, even the things we don't consciously remember consuming or making a connection with. Our unconscious mind can unearth inner struggles and desires that we're barely aware of on autopilot. A vague feeling of being unwanted. A pervasive and growing boredom with existing routines and the status quo. A desire to reach for something more, something different. A fear that we'll fail, in spite of our best intentions. The mind takes these hazy, intangible, fleeting thoughts and puts them together into a story, with color, mood, and some semblance of a plot. If you can remember them (and we'll get to that later), dreams can provide a wealth of insight into your inner world. As such, dream interpretation and journaling is often an essential part of shadow work and therapeutic writing.

I've been havin' dreams

Jumpin' on a trampoline

Flippin' in the air

I never land, just float there

As I'm looking up

Suddenly the sky erupts

Flames alight the trees

Spread to fallin' leaves

Now they're right upon me

Right now, many people are experiencing a period of enhanced dream recall. There are many reasons for this. Astrologically, Mercury is conjunct Neptune in Pisces. Mercury-Neptune aspects tend to correlate with more vivid dreams and enhanced recall within the collective, especially since Neptune is in Pisces, the sign it rules according to modern astrology. From the psychological perspective, none of us are sleeping very well. We're not reaching deep sleep, but remaining in the hypnogogic upper levels of sleep. We also have a lot on our minds. Sure, a lot of those thoughts may be on the current state of affairs, but times like these have a habit of dredging up things long forgotten. For me, personally, I'm in my first trimester of pregnancy and, for some reason, being pregnant causes some women to have very vivid, memorable dreams. So, due to the strange conglomeration of all of those factors, I have been having strange dreams indeed. I found out I was pregnant the day before Mercury went retrograde and - when I saw the test results - I was filled with this feeling of dread. Unlike with my first pregnancy - where I was filled with an unerring calm and sense of purpose - my only thought was "this isn't a good time, baby." Mind you, this was quite a bit before the shit really hit the fan with this whole COVID-19 situation and I was thinking it was bad timing for a myriad of personal reasons. However, my intuition was correct nonetheless. That night, I had a dream. I was in a large room, filled with shelves. Very similar to the scene in "Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix," when they arrive in the Hall of Prophesies. I remember browsing the shelves and purposefully choosing this child I'm carrying. The interpretation I took away from this dream is that this kid is meant to be born. And, for better or worse, the experience of carrying this child through this turmoil is meant for me. So I'm just trying to take it in stride and stay positive.....because I have no other choice, at the moment.

Dream interpretation has been a hobby of mine since high school. I remember we had this book of all the possible interpretations of symbols in dreams and the various meanings. However, there's more to it than that. First, it's important to note how you feel in the dream and when you wake up. Next, consider who was in the dream. Then, take note of things that seemed off or didn't seem to match. If you dream of your significant other or another person close to you and the overall feeling isn't happy or peaceful, then your subconscious may be trying to tell you something is off about this relationship. It doesn't mean it's bad, it just means there's an underlying issue that you're not addressing. Then, take note of the landscape - deserts are usually indicative of feeling unloved or unwanted whereas forests or gardens mean the opposite. Does the setting feel familiar? If so, are there details that weren't quite right? Finally, consider the point of view - were you observing the dream from a 1st person or 3rd person perspective? Were you a character in the dream at all or were you viewing it like a movie? If you dream journal, make sure to note these details along with the general plot of the dream immediately upon waking.

Wait if I'm on fire

How am I so deep in love?

When I dream of dying

I never feel so loved

If you are somebody who would like to increase your dream recall, starting a dream journal is a must. The simple act of writing down your dreams and attempting to analyze them provides immediate feedback to your brain that it should make an effort to remember future dreams. It's a self-reinforcing action. If dream journaling isn't enough to significantly increase your recall, it's recommended you meditate on an affirmation for dream recall before falling asleep. It doesn't need to be complicated - something like "I will remember my dreams tonight" or "I always remember my dreams" is sufficient. This action is essentially self-hypnosis. The mind is extremely malleable during the hypnogogic state right when you are falling asleep. Repeating the suggestion subliminally programs your mind to perform the desired action. It might take a few days but the results tend to be impactful. And, as a bonus, meditation also leads to better quality sleep. You can also try supplements or teas containing valerian root, which has properties that promote better sleep and is correlated with a higher incidence of lucid dreams.

I hope this post was a bit more chipper and informative than recent posts. I'm starting to get my energy back and I'm slowly clambering out of this depressive fog I've felt for the past month. It may be more Song du Jours than album reviews for a few weeks while I get my bearings but I intend to get back on track with that endeavor shortly. As for today's featured song, I chose the duet with Zayn Malik because I prefer this version over the original. The song is about a confusing dream where the singer feels a deep sense of love but the imagery in her dream is frightening and destructive. Although this seems like a contradiction, it may not be. There can be beauty in destruction, depending on the circumstances. Love - real, true Love - shakes you to the core and and destroys all that is false. It frees you from all that you're encumbered by. Maybe this is totally a "7th House ruled by Sagittarius" thing but I have begun to believe that Love is Freedom. If you don't feel free - to express yourself, to be an authentic soul, to make your own choices, to pursue happiness - it isn't Love. It may be attachment, it may even be addiction, but it isn't Love. I'll step off my soapbox now. Suffice it to say, my mind has been on overdrive lately, formulating wild theories and half-baked ideas. It's probably dangerous but we live in a dangerous world.

"Trampoline" Video

"Raising Hell" by Kesha feat. Big Freedia

I started today with this song. Kesha dropped this single just a few weeks ago and it has the sort of optimistic message I can get behind. In the lyrics, Kesha acknowledges that - yes, she's a mess - but she's survived the hard shit and she's happy now. And she intends to stay happy. (Same, girl. Same.) This is exactly the kind of song you listen to when you're getting ready for a Girls Night (if you're lucky enough to do such things). In fact, most of Kesha's music is like that - one of the reasons why I originally liked her style. Needless to say, I started this day off feeling pretty damn good and then was promptly reminded that I'm quite a mess myself. Which then led to me being reminded about how many people care about me. So, even if I'm a klutz sometimes, I'm also a pretty lucky bitch. I'll spare the details but I will say the situation was super embarrassing (but the witnesses got a good story to tell their friends!). And I may or may not be wearing a compression bandage to care for one of the various injuries I sustained. Good thing I don't take myself that seriously.

It's been a few days so let's get into our weekly dose of exploring my chart. Uranus is currently tearing up my 12th House, the House of Secrets and Hidden Things. Of the Unconscious, Self-undoing, and Imprisonment. It's associated with psychology, intuition/psychic ability, and dreams. It's also the House most closely linked to karma, our past lives, and our Destiny. I've been contemplating this lately and who I've become in the last year or so since Uranus entered Taurus. I used to keep a lot of things to myself - I am a very secretive and private person by nature, but it was also that I was kind of ashamed of a lot of things. Ashamed of the psychological issues that plagued myself and my family. Ashamed of the things that interested me - interests that a "smart girl" shouldn't even consider. Afraid that people would find out too much about me and not like me. Or worse....feel sorry for me. In the last year, though, I've become a lot more open with people - not just family and close friends, but also coworkers I consider part of my circle of trust. You know what I've found? The more honest and open I am, the more people seem to like me. It's weird. I used to really worry about bringing up topics that I'm deeply interested in - like the occult, sexuality, serial killers, horror/paranormal stuff, transhumanism, burlesque/pinup culture, fashion, etc - because I was worried what others would think if they found out I knew so much about this stuff. Slowly, though, all my fucks keeping falling away and I feel lighter for it. And I have good conversations pretty much every day. For example, one of my coworkers watched this Ted talk about evaluating the Psychopath Test and he thought about me. Not because I'm a psychopath but because he knew it's something I would enjoy, so he shared it. And that's the crux of it. Genuine connection grows in an environment where all parties feel free to be themselves. In a way, choosing authenticity for yourself encourages others to also be authentic. It's a good thing.

I'm all fucked up in my Sunday best

No walk-of-shame 'cause I love this dress

Hungover, heart of gold, holy mess

Doin' my best, bitch, I'm blessed

Oh, if you couldn't tell

We can always find the trouble, we don't need no help

Singing oh, mama raised me well

But I don't wanna go to Heaven without raising hell

It seems like all the podcasts I'm listening to keep bringing up Taurus for some reason, probably the Uranus transit. It's fun to listen to because my son's a Taurus - and he's turning out to be a very stereotypical one, too. All the information continues to color in the bigger picture. Anyway, Uranus is in Taurus until 2026, so what sort of craziness is in store for me? Well, the 12th House is the House of Imprisonment and Uranus is the planet that wants to shake things free. I foresee a lot more reliance on my intuition, possibly discovering and expanding on any natural psychic abilities (or maybe just trusting them, for once). Perhaps a renewed interest in psychology. Obviously, my 12th House is ruled by Taurus so it might have a lot to do with striving to embody the good qualities of that sign - like sensuality, determination, generosity, and abundance. Especially embodying a more grounded form of spirituality. It might involve trying to balance my karma or resolving issues from past lives (because I do believe in those things). There's lot to unpack in the 12th House. We'll have to see what unfolds over the next 6 years.

I've also been hearing more about embodiment therapy and somatic psychology. Both of these have to do with attuning to our senses and reconnecting to our body as part of the healing process. It's about literally "feeling" your feelings. Which makes sense - repressed emotions can lead to various health problems. The most obvious are addictions, but others can surface as gastrointestinal issues, breathing problems, body aches, a low immune system - I could go on but as I was listing things, I realized that I'm just going to list everything. Because the body is a holistic system - if one thing is off, it starts a cascade that slowly breaks down the whole chain. That's why stress management is so important. I know I'm rambling at this point but I can't help but hear the clicks starting to connect in my brain as a picture begins to form. More to come.

"Raising Hell" Video

"Cry Baby" by Melanie Martinez

This song was on the Cancer playlist, which I've been listening to a lot, and I woke up with it stuck in my head this morning. The joke is that Cancers are cry babies but, to be honest, I've had friends who literally told me that they thought I was incapable of crying. The husband has only seen me cry once - and that was when my best friend (whom I had known for 7 years) left El Paso for San Francisco, which was nearly a decade ago. But I'll tell you a secret - I cry a lot more than people think. It occurred to me the other day that I probably have cried more in the past year than I have in my entire life....and I actually think that might be a good thing for me. Being stone-faced and hard was my defense mechanism for dealing with the chaos of my youth. I had to be strong for my sisters, for my family, and pretend I could handle shit on my own (which I can - I'm the fucking best at doing shit on my own). I'm the "Pillar of Strength" that they needed. I always have been. And I know from experience how manipulative tears can be and I don't want to be manipulative. I don't want to force anyone to do anything just to make me happy. Unfortunately, I've found that the stereotype that women turn on the water works when they want something has an uncomfortable ring of truth to it. So I've become very adept at hiding when I do cry but - and I think this is the most disappointing thing I've learned in my life - is that I don't have to try that hard to hide it. People will just straight up ignore anything that makes them uncomfortable. Noticing that someone has been crying makes it feel like you should do something and I don't think anyone really feels like they're good at comforting others. So they don't. Ironically, eliciting community support is one of the primary reasons why we cry for emotional reasons. That's modern society for ya.

Now, you'd think I'd be concerned but I'm not, because I know the symptoms of depression and am relieved to say that I don't really have the hopelessness and lack of interest that comes along with a major depressive episode. On the contrary, I actually feel pretty hopeful and have a renewed sense of purpose. I researched this seriously when I chose this song and it turns out it's really healthy to cry on a regular basis - and that actively repressing the urge to cry may be more damaging to your mental health. Most people cry on average a few times a month, for various reasons. It's important to remember that there's a reason why we developed crying as a response to emotional stimulus. It releases hormones that make us feel better. It's a cathartic release for stress and frustration at a situation. And, as I've already mentioned, it elicits an empathetic reaction from our loved ones that encourages communal bonding. All good things.

You seem to replace

Your brain with your heart

You take things so hard

And then you fall apart

You try to explain

But before you can start

Those cry baby tears

Come out of the dark

I bring it up because I've been crying for some of the most bizarre reasons and my ability to hold back has faltered. For example, I was straight up bawling while watching "You've Got Mail" this weekend. Watching a Meg Ryan movie was supposed to make me feel better after such a stressful week! And even though I've watched that movie more times than any sane person would, I still found myself getting excited during the Meet-Cute, weeping during the moments when Meg and Tom (Hanks) are feeling the most alone, and bouncing in my seat like a child when she finally realizes that the pen pal she fell in love with is also the business rival who befriended her (after destroying her business). Oh, my heart! Of course, this was just a natural evolution. My capacity to contain my tears while watching movies has diminished greatly over the past decade and especially in the past few years (I blame the "mommy" hormones). Weeping on the couch over a cup of chai tea was always going to happen one day. I hate being predictable but, in some ways, I feel like I'm the most predictable person in the world. This was one of those moments.

And yet, there are also those unpredictable moments, when hearing someone else's experience strikes something in my heart that I didn't expect. On some unfortunate occasions, those moments hit when I'm walking on a public street. Recently, I was listening to "The Astrology Podcast" interview with Sabrina Monarch, where they were talking about evolutionary astrology and North-South nodes in a person's chart (a topic that was popping up so much in my periphery that I had no choice but be drawn to it). Sabrina was talking about what she called her "spiritual awakening" and how that, because others didn't understand what was happening to her, she was diagnosed as bipolar. Even though she didn't have the typical symptoms of Bipolar Disorder. That hit me because, when I first started studying psychology, I was extremely concerned that I had Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and/or Bipolar Disorder, like my mom. Coincidentally, this was the main reason I was absolutely terrified when I found out I was pregnant with my son, even though I've always known I wanted to have children. I'm not, though. I've been to enough therapists to know that I would've been diagnosed by now. My late teens/early 20s - when my emotional highs and lows were particularly intense - were just a chaotic time in my life and I reacted accordingly, given what I knew at the time. Lately, I've been feeling that same out-of-control feeling and Sabrina's story helped to ground me a little. I'm not crazy (even though it feels like it), I'm just going through a really intense period of my life and I'm meant to feel it. Because if I don't allow myself to feel it (like I tried to do in my 20s), it will just get worse. I think framing it as a "spiritual awakening" and leaning into the more esoteric topics I'm interested in - like meditation, astrology, and yogic/tantric studies - helps a lot, too. Mostly because those philosophies focus a lot on reducing stress in the body and being in touch with your inner knowing. In Psychology, we just call that shit "coping mechanisms."

You're all on your own and

You lost all your friends

You told yourself that

It's not you, it's them

You're one of a kind

And no one understands

But those cry baby tears

Keep coming back again

Largely due to her experiences with the intersection of psychology and spirituality, Sabrina Monarch started a podcast called "The Magic of the Spheres." I took the time to listen to her interview with Jason Holley, a psychotherapist who incorporates natal chart readings into his practice. I find his approach to therapy enlightening, because it emphasizes that people and their personalities are constantly changing. He also uses astrology as a way to get away from the more clinical language, which turns a lot of people away. They don't want to be diagnosed. They don't want the stigma of being a narcissist or a borderline or a depressive person. And he'd argue that those aren't stable parts of the personality, only processes that the psyche gets stuck in when something inhibits the person's growth. It makes an extremely complex situation understandable for the layperson and, even as someone who has a (useless) degree in the subject, I found that his perspective opened up my mind in the way I thought of mental illness. I also liked how he used his knowledge of a person's chart to make a connection to his patients, to meet them on their level and morph his behavior to where he shows up in the way that will help his patients the most. I think that's extremely important for a therapist to do because, if you are cold and clinical, your patient isn't going to show up more than once or twice (unless it's court-mandated or you're the only psychologist in town). You could be the most knowledgeable psychologist in the world but if someone isn't comfortable confiding in you, in trusting you, you won't be able to help them. Therapy is a lot about breaking down walls - you can't be like everyone else the person has met in their life.

In summation, I am a cry baby...and I don't fucking care.

"Cry Baby" Video

"ME!" by Taylor Swift feat. Brendon Urie

Another long, stressful week where I haven't had much time to do anything except work, clean, and sleep. The lingering cold hasn't helped much, except to serve as an excuse to disappear for an hour when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I've accepted this is just how my Spring is going to be - a sprint until I get to Summer, possibly until I get to my birthday, which I'm considering taking a vacation for. Maybe. We'll see how things go. Anyway, this week hasn't been totally uneventful in the music world. As you may have heard, Taylor Swift dropped a new single on Thursday evening. It's been panned by the critics but in this world where literally no one listens to the haters, I think it'll probably do fine.

An "Atlantic" article has been making the rounds - "Taylor Swift's 'ME!' is Everything That's Wrong with Pop Music." Whenever you see a clickbait title with something that hyperbolic, you can tell the writer has no idea the level of work that goes into creating even the sickeningly sweetest of pop music and probably isn't even a member of the intended audience. Sure enough, the writer of aforementioned article is a 30-something white male who mostly writes what he thinks about pop culture. He makes a living off having "edgy" opinions but - let's face it - no one reads "The Atlantic" for its pop culture reviews. I certainly don't. His central lament is that it wasn't as interesting as her other work. And he didn't even fucking like any of her other work - the first paragraph is full of back-handed compliments. Let's set some expectations now - not everything an artist makes is going to be a masterpiece. Sometimes, you just have to pay the bills. And if T-Swift is a master at anything, it's at making it rain.

I know that I'm a handful, baby, uh

I know I never think before I jump

And you're the kind of guy the ladies want

(And there's a lot of cool chicks out there)

I know that I went psycho on the phone

I never leave well enough alone

And trouble's gonna follow where I go

(And there's a lot of cool chicks out there)

True story - "Me!" is not as introspective and revealing as some of her other songs. She's not baring her soul or coming to any deep conclusions about why she can be a crazy bitch sometimes. But it's also a collaboration and the Panic! at the Disco influence is incredibly strong in this track. In terms of a duet, I think it's very effective. Brendon Urie has easily one of the best tenors out there in pop music. The lyrics admittedly aren't the greatest - there are other troubled romance songs out there right now that do it better. But it's cute, catchy, and their styles complement each other very well so the sound is cohesive. The video itself is pretty over the top, which is to be expected - both Taylor Swift and Brendon Urie have flamboyant aesthetics. Also, Taylor Swift was credited with directing this one...Finally! Let's be clear - she envisioned and directed all of her music videos, it's just that someone let her take credit this time. For the record, if you follow Taylor Swift on Instagram (and you should - she's pretty brilliant at Instagram), she's been hyping the song for weeks with a subtle "4.26" in all her mysterious yet beautifully colored photos. She's clearly excited about it so - as a fan - I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and believe that she's working on a really killer follow-up to "Reputation" right now.

Long story short: "ME!" is alright - I like it enough that it'll probably grow on me more with time but I know it's aimed at 20-something girls who have a love-hate relationship with their current boyfriends, which is kind of concerning. Listening to the lyrics, one could get the impression that they shouldn't break up because they can't find anyone better. This is simply not true. And if it is, they why are they treating each other so badly that they have to convince themselves to stay together with a catchy pop duet? So many questions.....

"ME!" Video

"Crazy for This Girl" by Evan and Jaron

I hadn't heard this song since - literally - it came out (which was in 2000....I looked it up). But, for some reason, YouTube thought I should listen to it. It's been doing that a lot lately - coming up with songs that I should listen to, because they'll cheer me up or do some hard thinking. As such, I've had to do some rearranging for these last couple of days. I'm kind of exhausted, so this will be a fairly short post. Mostly because the most interesting thought I've had in the last 10 minutes was, "How do you make chai tea? I could totally make my own chai tea." You can imagine my chagrin when I looked at the ingredients list on the tea bag canister and the only things it listed were white tea and something called "cinnamon spice." What the fuck is cinnamon spice?! Obviously, cinnamon is involved, but I'm pretty sure legit chai tea has fancier ingredients - like nutmeg and star anise. Just another thing I'll have to google in my free time.

I wanted something cheerful for today, just because. I seem to be out of my feelings again and have reached some sort of equilibrium. I've been working on being present, which this song embodies. The verses are basically the guy in this equation talking about his current thoughts about the girl he's "crazy" for. Most of the song is in present tense - she rolls the windows down, she talks, she's got me thinking about her. Everything is about "right now." Which is how it usually is when we're in love with someone. What's he thinking right now? What's she doing right now? This presence has a tendency to make it seem like time slows down, so it feels like you get to be with the other person longer than seems real. It can also make it seem like time speeds up when you're engrossed in what you're doing, and it feels like you've spent hardly any time with the object of your affection. And that's how relativity works. You lose track of time because you're not really paying attention to it. And, contrariwise, time slows down because you're too aware of it. I find remembering this principle while I'm meditating or doing something tedious can be helpful. When you "forget" time - by focusing on something you want to be focused on, and not on the minutes ticking by - it doesn't seem like you're waiting. Like you're stuck in suspended animation, just wanting to move forward.

She was the one to hold me

The night

The sky fell down

And what was I thinking when

The world didn't end

Why didn't I know what I know now

I don't know the total situation behind this song but just based on the lyrics - "but she don't know how I feel" - it sounds like the guy has a crush on his friend. But that's just the chorus, which confuses the second verse. Obviously, if she doesn't know how he feels, it's unlikely she was actually holding him. So, I'm thinking he's talking about some philosophical night that the sky fell down, eons ago, when they were together at the beginning of time. Don't get me wrong - some girls like that stuff. Mostly water signs. But, as a good friend once put it, "I like your enthusiasm, but y'all ain't even chartered yet." She was talking about establishing an organization at our university, but the logic still applies. First step - tell her you like her. See if she feels the same. And then start planning your hypothetical future together. Because otherwise, you stay in the friend zone and then she ends up with a Chad and you'll be writing mopey songs like The Moffatts. Simple fact. Do with it what you wish.

"Crazy for This Girl" Video

"Hug Me" by Pharrell Williams and Trey Parker

I promised a more happy song for today and, considering this has been one of the most stressful weekends thus far in 2018 (and that's really fucking saying something), I think a little lightness is in order. This is the song that plays during the credits of "Despicable Me 3." It grabbed my attention pretty much immediately, due to it's unrestrained bounciness and joy. Trey Parker is one of those unsung musical geniuses. Seriously? The guy who co-created "South Park?" Yes. If you haven't seen "Cannibal: The Musical," find it and watch it. It's a musical Trey Parker wrote, composed, and directed based on a story of Alferd Packer, who was accused of cannibalism when his companions on a journey from Utah to Colorado were found dead and half-eaten. It's hilarious and brilliant, in the worst way. Obviously, it's a black comedy....those are the best kind.

Anyway, since this song is from a sequel, I wanted to talk a little bit about what makes a good sequel. My two main examples for this discussion are two of my son's favorite movie trilogies: "Kung Fu Panda" and "Despicable Me." As you may have guessed, a good sequel is NOT just a re-telling of the original story but, rather, an expansion on it. That's not to say a good sequel can't follow the same narrative structure as the original. "Kung Fu Panda" expertly demonstrates that you absolutely can follow the same plot (in KFP's case, The Hero's Journey) as long as it builds on the what the viewer already knows about the Hero and explores a new aspect hitherto unseen in the previous film(s). All three KFP movies follow Po as he learns to master something. In the first, it's the mastery of skill and knowledge (Kung Fu); in the second, of Inner Peace and acceptance of the past (largely, a lesson in forgiveness); and the final, a mastery of Self. I would argue that the whole arc for Po is an overall search for the Authentic Self, the first and second being the foundation needed for Po to reach the mastery attained in the third film. There is a Kung Fu Panda 4 in the works but I have a theory that this film is going to mostly about Tigress (at least, I hope so), whose tragic backstory has been hinted at in past films and shorts. In this theoretical film, Po would take a backseat and become more of a mentor to Tigress, supplanting Shifu as the central Mentor in the series.

Moving on to Despicable Me, we have a couple shifts in narrative, which is an easy and powerful way to reinvigorate a character and introduce new characters (aside from villains) into the main story. In the first movie, Gru finds himself in a situation where he's forced to grow and take a hard look at his life choices. This leads him to make a major career shift and take on the responsibilities inherent in becoming a parent to three young girls. In the second movie, we can't really take the same route because the amount of evolution in who Gru is as a person would need something equally as monumental in order to slingshot him into an entirely new Hero's Journey. Something more subtle is needed, which is where a True Love arc comes in. As discussed before, a True Love arc is really an amalgamation of two miniature Hero's Journeys, so the change in each of the characters is not going to be as drastic as you would see if they had a whole movie to themselves. Enter Lucy. Arguably, the exact opposite of Gru (but the same....we can't forget The Rules). She is chipper and hopeful whereas Gru is cynical and realistic. They balance each other out and, more importantly, it's that balance that makes them a good team. Finally, in Despicable Me 3, Gru finally faces a Great Evil or, essentially, the closest he's gotten to an arch-nemesis. His initial failure to catch Evil Brat leads to him losing his job. Then, Gru's obsession with defeating Evil Brat leads to him deceiving both his wife and his twin brother, endangering his relationships with both of them. This deception leads Evil Brat into realizing Gru's true weakness - his family. But that's also his greatest strength, and it's also what defeats Evil Brat in the end. We've come full circle - a man who didn't think he needed anyone in the beginning now has a family that supports him, no matter what.

Why do you insist on trying to give me away

When they were too good and you wanted to shake them, who came?

I was your dirty boy, your good, new secret toy

Show me how they get you joy (who stayed in trouble with you?)

Oh, don't you want some more? Come on, I think they're gone

Our part is coming on (you're either with me or)

Hug me (bring it in)

Won't you loosen up, won't ya

Hug me (bring it in)

I think they wanna take a picture

And that's the secret to a good sequel...and any good story, really. Your protagonist cannot be the same person that they were at the beginning. Likewise, they shouldn't be learning the same lesson every single time because - seriously! - who likes someone who can't fucking learn something that's staring him in the face? And, ideally, you have to see the protagonist doing the work. It's not satisfying to have a protagonist that isn't faced with some sort of struggle or conflict that they must overcome. It's not enough for the protagonist to be a different person at the end - we must see them change. For the better, of course. If they change for the worse - either becoming more cynical and jaded, more angry, more materialistic, more bloodthirsty - they've become the villain. Or possibly an Anti-Hero, but that's a discussion for another day. I know today's post was lengthy but thanks for hanging in there! 

"Hug Me" Video

"Dangerous Woman" by Ariana Grande

::WARNING:: This post contains sexual themes and adult content. No pictures, though. Nice try. Get your mind outta the gutter. Also, I am a straight woman, so this post is written from my point of view but I'm pretty sure the ideas/concepts/suggestions would go for any sexual orientation. Except asexual, but I think that's probably obvious at this point. ::END POST::

I'm reading this "Becoming Dangerous" book, which talks about how witchy female/femme-identifying people are dealing with the post-Trump era. A lot of the essays talk about self-care rituals and getting strong and getting prepared to fight. Then other essays talk about getting in touch with your sensuous side, owning your sexuality, etc. They use terms like "slut-magic" and "whore power," encourage wearing sexy lingerie every day, and use the male gaze as a form of personal worship because you're a goddess - all of which I'm down for. Lately, I've been wanting to try out erotic dance and burlesque, and potentially try a pole-dancing class (if I ever have time and can get over my bad self). Since I'm one of those people who believes you can learn anything from reading a book, I bought the S Factor workout book. They have a series of studios where you can learn the workout moves, among other things like pole fitness and traditional burlesque performance. Unfortunately, my current city is not cool enough to have an S Factor studio - I'd like to change that someday, but you gotta walk before you can run. In the book, Sheila Kelly has a bunch of song recommendations to use with the workout. I told you all that to say this - I'm always on the lookout for good stripper songs and "Dangerous Woman" is one the better ones I've heard come out of contemporary pop music.

In the book, Sheila Kelly says to imagine something that makes you feel sexy/sensuous while you're doing the workout. I like to imagine I have an audience when I dance. That probably says something about me, but whatever. That's essentially what the lyrics and the video for "Dangerous Woman" are about. There's a particular man that makes Ariana (and I think every girl probably has at least one) feel sexy by just looking at her. Like a temptress. No matter what she's wearing - although Ariana is wearing lingerie and she looks pretty damn good in it. I wish I looked half as good, but I digress. I highly recommend this visualization exercise, if you're going to dip your toes into erotic dance. Picture a man (or a woman) who you're highly attracted to. The type of (wo)man who makes you want to do anything with/to them if they asked. Where you're always ready to go, because he or she might be ready to go, even if you're kind of mad at them. If he wants a blowjob for his wakeup call every day (which I refer to as a "good morning"), then he's getting a blowjob every morning. He wants sex in the back of the car on a Wednesday, he's getting it. I mean....he did ask nicely, right? I believe this is what they call "method acting," if I recall that correctly from my theatre days - and it would make sense that even burlesque performers use this to get into their routines. So if it works for the professionals, then it would probably work for the average woman trying it out at home.

Oh yeah

Don't need permission

Made my decision to test my limits

'Cause it's my business

God as my witness

Start what I finished

Don't need no hold up

Taking control of this kind of moment

I'm locked and loaded

Completely focused my mind is open

All that you got, skin to skin, oh my God

Don't ya stop, boy

Somethin' 'bout you makes me feel like a dangerous woman

Somethin' 'bout, somethin' 'bout, somethin' 'bout you

Makes me wanna do things that I shouldn't

Somethin' 'bout, somethin' 'bout, somethin' 'bout

Let's talk about the video - nothing special, just Ariana Grande looking hella sexy. She's another one that I remember from her child actor days. She was fucking hilarious on "Victorious." I don't think she has a sweet child-like face, like Selena Gomez does. Grande is one of those abnormally gorgeous looking people. To take a brilliant tweet from @DothTheDoth, "if you know someone who looks effortlessly beautiful all the time, that's a demon." Guys.....I'm pretty sure Ariana Grande is a demon. Another thing about this video - the director went through a lot of trouble to make it look like a sex tape. To include the film scratches....which would not be present in a modern sex tape. We put that shit on DVD now, so that wouldn't happen. It kind of gets annoying and almost distracting, and it probably would've been a better choice to just leave those out. But, alas, I am not a music video director, so that's not my choice to make.

"Dangerous Woman" Video