"Trampoline" by SHAED feat. ZAYN

One of the things I've always been fascinated with was dream interpretation. Like Jung and Freud, I believe witnessing and understanding your dreams can be a powerful tool in psychoanalysis. Dreams are an amalgamation of everything we've amassed in our waking life, even the things we don't consciously remember consuming or making a connection with. Our unconscious mind can unearth inner struggles and desires that we're barely aware of on autopilot. A vague feeling of being unwanted. A pervasive and growing boredom with existing routines and the status quo. A desire to reach for something more, something different. A fear that we'll fail, in spite of our best intentions. The mind takes these hazy, intangible, fleeting thoughts and puts them together into a story, with color, mood, and some semblance of a plot. If you can remember them (and we'll get to that later), dreams can provide a wealth of insight into your inner world. As such, dream interpretation and journaling is often an essential part of shadow work and therapeutic writing.

I've been havin' dreams

Jumpin' on a trampoline

Flippin' in the air

I never land, just float there

As I'm looking up

Suddenly the sky erupts

Flames alight the trees

Spread to fallin' leaves

Now they're right upon me

Right now, many people are experiencing a period of enhanced dream recall. There are many reasons for this. Astrologically, Mercury is conjunct Neptune in Pisces. Mercury-Neptune aspects tend to correlate with more vivid dreams and enhanced recall within the collective, especially since Neptune is in Pisces, the sign it rules according to modern astrology. From the psychological perspective, none of us are sleeping very well. We're not reaching deep sleep, but remaining in the hypnogogic upper levels of sleep. We also have a lot on our minds. Sure, a lot of those thoughts may be on the current state of affairs, but times like these have a habit of dredging up things long forgotten. For me, personally, I'm in my first trimester of pregnancy and, for some reason, being pregnant causes some women to have very vivid, memorable dreams. So, due to the strange conglomeration of all of those factors, I have been having strange dreams indeed. I found out I was pregnant the day before Mercury went retrograde and - when I saw the test results - I was filled with this feeling of dread. Unlike with my first pregnancy - where I was filled with an unerring calm and sense of purpose - my only thought was "this isn't a good time, baby." Mind you, this was quite a bit before the shit really hit the fan with this whole COVID-19 situation and I was thinking it was bad timing for a myriad of personal reasons. However, my intuition was correct nonetheless. That night, I had a dream. I was in a large room, filled with shelves. Very similar to the scene in "Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix," when they arrive in the Hall of Prophesies. I remember browsing the shelves and purposefully choosing this child I'm carrying. The interpretation I took away from this dream is that this kid is meant to be born. And, for better or worse, the experience of carrying this child through this turmoil is meant for me. So I'm just trying to take it in stride and stay positive.....because I have no other choice, at the moment.

Dream interpretation has been a hobby of mine since high school. I remember we had this book of all the possible interpretations of symbols in dreams and the various meanings. However, there's more to it than that. First, it's important to note how you feel in the dream and when you wake up. Next, consider who was in the dream. Then, take note of things that seemed off or didn't seem to match. If you dream of your significant other or another person close to you and the overall feeling isn't happy or peaceful, then your subconscious may be trying to tell you something is off about this relationship. It doesn't mean it's bad, it just means there's an underlying issue that you're not addressing. Then, take note of the landscape - deserts are usually indicative of feeling unloved or unwanted whereas forests or gardens mean the opposite. Does the setting feel familiar? If so, are there details that weren't quite right? Finally, consider the point of view - were you observing the dream from a 1st person or 3rd person perspective? Were you a character in the dream at all or were you viewing it like a movie? If you dream journal, make sure to note these details along with the general plot of the dream immediately upon waking.

Wait if I'm on fire

How am I so deep in love?

When I dream of dying

I never feel so loved

If you are somebody who would like to increase your dream recall, starting a dream journal is a must. The simple act of writing down your dreams and attempting to analyze them provides immediate feedback to your brain that it should make an effort to remember future dreams. It's a self-reinforcing action. If dream journaling isn't enough to significantly increase your recall, it's recommended you meditate on an affirmation for dream recall before falling asleep. It doesn't need to be complicated - something like "I will remember my dreams tonight" or "I always remember my dreams" is sufficient. This action is essentially self-hypnosis. The mind is extremely malleable during the hypnogogic state right when you are falling asleep. Repeating the suggestion subliminally programs your mind to perform the desired action. It might take a few days but the results tend to be impactful. And, as a bonus, meditation also leads to better quality sleep. You can also try supplements or teas containing valerian root, which has properties that promote better sleep and is correlated with a higher incidence of lucid dreams.

I hope this post was a bit more chipper and informative than recent posts. I'm starting to get my energy back and I'm slowly clambering out of this depressive fog I've felt for the past month. It may be more Song du Jours than album reviews for a few weeks while I get my bearings but I intend to get back on track with that endeavor shortly. As for today's featured song, I chose the duet with Zayn Malik because I prefer this version over the original. The song is about a confusing dream where the singer feels a deep sense of love but the imagery in her dream is frightening and destructive. Although this seems like a contradiction, it may not be. There can be beauty in destruction, depending on the circumstances. Love - real, true Love - shakes you to the core and and destroys all that is false. It frees you from all that you're encumbered by. Maybe this is totally a "7th House ruled by Sagittarius" thing but I have begun to believe that Love is Freedom. If you don't feel free - to express yourself, to be an authentic soul, to make your own choices, to pursue happiness - it isn't Love. It may be attachment, it may even be addiction, but it isn't Love. I'll step off my soapbox now. Suffice it to say, my mind has been on overdrive lately, formulating wild theories and half-baked ideas. It's probably dangerous but we live in a dangerous world.

"Trampoline" Video

"Family Portrait" by P!nk

I was going to write this on Sunday but I decided to wait a few days to let my thoughts settle before I shit on everyone's Mother's Day. But, there it is...I'm still feeling some sort of way about it so I'll just let it go. Any biologically female human can be a mother. As long as all the parts work, it ain't that hard to have a child. (In fact, due to recent legislative developments, it may actually be harder to not have a child.) So - it goes without saying - there are some really shitty moms out there. Some of them probably don't even know they're shitty. They just "care too much," and that's their justification violating all sorts of boundaries. Those ones are the worst. I won't lie and say I'm not biased. In some ways, I feel like I was lucky things got as bad with my mom as they did. Now that I'm a mom myself, I know what not to do and I'm determined to not repeat the cycle. Unfortunately, others will end up making the same mistakes their parents made, because they've been convinced they weren't mistakes. And that's what's really sad.

When "Family Portrait" first came out, it used to trigger me a lot. I'm not over it. I'm just not. I will get to a place where I feel really good about things, really accepting of how things were, and then something will come up that results in a quiet breakdown. It doesn't happen as often anymore and I've reached a sufficient level of mental calm that these moments are surprisingly brief. But they still happen and you just have to accept that, too. "Family Portrait" was a reminder to me that I'm not the only person who had a childhood like this. I like the imagery that P!nk uses in the video. She's basically comforting her inner child, which seems kind of silly but is so necessary. When you're in the drama, you can feel so lonely and isolated, so it's almost comforting to know that - while what you're experiencing may be terrible - you are not unique. Other people had parents who fought constantly, had a father who was absent for large portions of their life (regardless of the reason, e.g., deployments, this is difficult on a child), and/or had a domineering mother. Unlike the song, though, I didn't think divorce was such a terrible option at the time. I still don't - not all marriages are good and there should be a way to end them before more damage is done.

Momma please stop crying, I can't stand the sound

Your pain is painful and its tearin' me down

I hear glasses breaking as I sit up in my bed

I told dad you didn't mean those nasty things you said

You fight about money, 'bout me and my brother

And this I come home to, this is my shelter

It ain't easy growing up in World War three

Never knowing what love could be, you'll see

I don't want love to destroy me like it has done my family

The Mother is a master feminine archetype and we mostly associate her with warm, loving, nurturing energy and qualities. People who tend to embody this archetype tend to be especially responsible and caring. They're very protective naturally and tend to be the people watching out for everyone else, emotionally and physically. However, in the shadow, this role of the caretaker becomes her entire identity and any potential loss of her metaphorical "children" becomes a fight for survival. She becomes possessive, manipulative, and controlling. In the Mother's shadow, her children (or surrogates) become an extension of her own identity. Any spark of individuality can be interpreted as attempted abandonment. She may be overbearing, forcing her thoughts and opinions on others until they comply just to make her happy. On the flip side, the Shadow Mother struggles with maintaining her own boundaries, often giving so much that she becomes resentful.

I'll take some examples out of my own personal life, since we've already gone down that rabbit hole. The shadow Mother does a lot of projection, since her children are essentially an extension of herself. My mom often criticized my choice of clothes, my weight, my friends, what I ate, and so on. She definitely didn't like it when I acted defiant or questioned her authority. If I didn't follow her rules, I was embarrassing for her to be seen with. The thing I remember most, though, is that she was overly concerned with being seen as beautiful (and she didn't need to be). I still struggle with that one at times - that something isn't working out in my life because I'm not "beautiful" enough, as if that would make a difference. If only I was beautiful, all my dreams will come true! It's insane. You don't have to tell me - I remind my brain of that every day. Projection is something we all do at some point, especially when it comes to our children. The goal is to be aware of it and stop yourself before it gets out of hand. When I look at my son, I see traits that are mine, traits that are my husband's, and something else that is uniquely him. And I don't want to snuff out that beautiful, special part of my son by criticizing the parts of me he's mirroring. Because I know how delicate that flame is. One day, you have a perfectly happy, free kid. The next, he's concerned that people will laugh at him when he's just being himself (which includes dancing like a madman to Imagine Dragons and Taylor Swift). If I can spare him the pain of social anxiety and Imposter Syndrome, I'd like to do that.

Long story short - the shadow-side of the Mother archetype is a nasty piece of work that can have generational consequences if not reigned in. A few questions you need to ask yourself while exploring The Mother's shadow:

• What is your vision of the ideal parent (mother and/or father)? Did your own parents reflect those ideals? 
• What things did your parents do that left you feeling unloved or unworthy? Are these things you are overcritical of yourself for now?
• Does it anger you when your loved ones don't follow your suggestions, even small ones?
• Do you find yourself resorting to manipulation to get your loved ones to do what you want?
• Do you feel obligated to be constantly giving? Alternatively, do you find it hard to say "no" to people, especially loved ones? If so, do you feel resentful?

I'm sure there more but those questions are more than enough to get you started. Next, how do you heal a shadow Mother? It's all about those damn boundaries again - both others and your own. Be selective about your giving - you don't need to say "yes" all the time. Respect others individuality and autonomy - they can manage themselves. In fact, people need to manage themselves in order to learn and grow. Face your fear of abandonment. People leaving you isn't the worst thing in the world. Accept the end of past relationships, let go of resentment, and forgive. You're only hurting yourself by holding onto that pain. And, finally, if/when you have children of your own, understand what you wanted in a parent (but may have never had) and try to be that for them. 

“Our past may explain why we're suffering but we must not use it as an excuse to stay in bondage.” - Joyce Meyer

"Family Portrait" Video

"Leave My Body" by Florence + the Machine

"Leave My Body" is my favorite song from Florence + the Machine's second album, "Ceremonials" (which is one of my most favorite albums, ever). It's about the desire to shed the limitations that keep us shackled to the things we do not want. The life we do not want. To fully embody our soul, without the things that weigh it down. Fear. Insecurity. Anxiety. All things we have a choice in, by the way. At some point, we made a choice to allow ourselves to accept those things into our life and, hard as it is, we can make a choice to not allow them anymore. When you take a step back, you start to realize that the bad, scary thoughts about yourself weren't even yours to begin with. Just projections from other people that you internalized. Thus begins our exploration of archetypes.

Just a little level-setting - in psychology, an archetype is a set pattern of behavior. Plato considered these pre-existing ideals/templates and Carl Jung called them the "fundamental units of the human mind." There are literally thousands of archetypes, each one subtly different from another, but most people find it helpful to distill the myriad of versions out there in to a set of core archetypes. Every character you meet in a story (film or literature) is an archetype and it's important to remember that you might identify with aspects of many (or all) archetypes. This is normal - for the purpose of shadow work, it helps to select a few of the ones you most identify with so as not to become overwhelmed and then move onto others as you get more familiar with the process. Essentially, you're using each archetype up as a mirror to analyze your motivations and inhibitions. Sounds simple but it requires being truly honest with yourself and taking responsibility for your past actions, which most people have difficulty with.

I'm gonna be released from behind these lines

And don't care whether I live or die

And I'm losing blood, I'm gonna leave my bones

And I don't want your heart it leaves me cold

I don't want your future

I don't need your past

One grand moment

Is all I ask

For today, let's talk about the Victim archetype, which usually looms large in most people's psyches. The Victim's mindset usually goes like this - Only bad stuff happens to me. People always use me. No one could love the real me. Nothing ever goes right. I'm a failure because I'm not this way or that. Things won't ever change because this is just how things are. I can't change because this is just how I am. We think it's a mentality that only affects ourselves but, in reality, we end up warping our whole lives around it. We allow it to swallow up those we supposedly love. It becomes a free pass to get away with our worst behaviors, because no one understands how much pain and suffering we've been through. We use it as an excuse to not be grateful and happy for what we have in the present, because it's not perfect or exactly how we wanted things to be. We use it to feel entitled to others attention and/or affection. To monopolize others' time and then become annoyed when they turn their focus to something else, regardless of the reason. It becomes a permission slip to not give back as much as we get or be an active participant in our loved one's lives because it would be inconvenient or uncomfortable for us. It becomes an excuse to not pursue goals or try new things.

The Victim is really more of a Master Archetype, because there's so many ways to be a victim. For example, The Hider is a victim of their own insecurities and lack of confidence, and thus feels entitled to withdraw from life, to keep secrets, to judge others, and then feel angry when you can't anticipate their needs. The Long-sufferer, who thinks that because they had such hard circumstances, they're entitled to another's attention or support without offering any in return. Or - and this is possibly the worst - The Crusader, a victim of their own loneliness, negativity, and self-hatred, who has made it their mission to make others victims as well and victimizing those they think should be punished. The core issue with this Master Archetype is personal responsibility and the blame is always externalized - even if they hold negative views of themselves, their insecurities are always someone else's fault and not their own. Why should they have to change?

It's important to remember that you can be a victim of circumstances without taking on the Victim mentality. Here's a few questions to ask yourself:

• When something goes wrong, are you always assigning blame (either to yourself and others), even if the circumstances were out of everyone's control? An example of this would be assigning blame because it rained on your picnic.
• Do you feel like no one understands you or do you get unreasonably angry/frustrated if someone is unable to understand you? Why? Is it because you feel like voicing your needs/desires would be a burden on someone else?
• Do you feel like you have to control everything? Conversely, do you tend to let others dominate, even if it's not in your best interest? Why?
• Do you beat yourself up for not meeting ideals that are not your own? For example, thinking you should behave or look a certain way that society or your family/friends prefer.
• Are you not going after your own dreams/goals/self-improvement because you don't think you're good enough or don't "deserve" it? Where did those beliefs come from?

After you ask yourself those questions and answered them (I mean really answered them, to include examining your past to understand where those thought/behavior patterns started), that's when you can start the long process of reprogramming those thoughts. And by long, I mean it's a never-ending journey. Spoiler alert: A lot of affirmations are involved. Letting go of control and trusting others is also a big part of fully integrating this part of the Shadow Self. It requires you to be present and actively examine your thoughts as you have them. Finally, you have to release who you used to be....because if that version of yourself was worth keeping around, you'd be happier now. I know that's hard to hear. But, to quote Captain America, "you just gotta move on." Don't stay stuck in the past. It's gone. And if you're gonna be here, be here.

I love this song - it reminds me that I'm more than my corporeal form and the only limits I have are the ones I set for myself.

"Leave My Body" Video