"How Bizarre" by OMC (Happy New Year's Eve!)

2020, my friend, it's been a ride.

I had this thought at the beginning of December and felt it was the right way to start this post. And, logically, my next thought was I needed the perfect song to commemorate the end of this historically fucked up year. Since I had a month to think about it, I didn't worry too much about it. But later that morning, I was commenting to my coworker about how backwards our processes are now. I had to call attention to the irony that, prior to this year, you needed a doctor's note to be out sick and now, we need a doctor's note to come back to work. All of a sudden, this song popped into my head. And, as all divinely inspired things are, it was perfect.

Destination unknown, as we pull in for some gas

Freshly pasted poster reveals a smile from the past

Here's the thing - my ability to see the humor in the absurdity of this shared delusion we call reality is probably the main reason I'm alive today. I thank the Universe every day that I have Saturn in Sagittarius because if I had been born a half year earlier (Saturn in Scorpio) or a few years later (Saturn in Capricorn), I don't know what I'd do with myself. Our Saturn in Scorpio friends are crying and listening to the Smiths on repeat while the Saturn in Capricorn guys are counting their pennies and being angry things aren't working out. Meanwhile, us Saturn in Sagittarius folks are sandwiched in the middle, saying "Man, this sucks - but God is a DJ, Life is the dance floor, Love is the rhythm, You are the music." And if you don't get that, you clearly don't have any Sag placements. And yes, those are song lyrics. True story: While writing this, I was like "before I publish that, I should check if Pink even has any Sag placements." And - wouldn't you know it? - she's a Sagittarius Rising. It's the little things that make me think I may actually know what I'm fucking talking about sometimes.

Wonder Girl, in her analysis of this week's Full Moon in Cancer, said something that struck me as applicable to this entire year with the thugs in Capricorn. All signs have good and bad, and it's how you choose to use the energy that matters. When Capricorn is at its worst, it can be entirely focused (even obsessed) with appearances. All the blood, meat, and bones underneath could be rotting but as long as it looks good on the outside, Capricorn doesn't give a shit. It's like getting a facelift when your body is riddled with cancer. Or, for an example from the US headlines, the stock market is at an all time high but our economic fundamentals are worse than the Great Depression. Or that as much as 50% of COVID cases are asymptomatic so you have tons of people walking about with a highly contagious disease but they don't "look sick." I could pull even more examples from recent US history where we did things that seemed good at face-value but had devastating consequences (I'm looking at you '94 Crime Bill). And just so y'all don't think I'm dragging Capricorn, I'll rag on my own sign as its foil - Cancer has a tendency to make things too deep and see things that aren't there, to the point where it's delusional (Guilty!) and results in taking actions that look insane from the outside (like, say, telling your followers to not trust the election results if you don't win....yes, Trump has a few Cancer placements). Just underscoring that we need to find balance because extremes are destructive - both the inside and the outside need to be healthy for an organism/society to function. It ain't that deep...but it ain't that shallow either.

We're making moves and starting grooves before they knew we were gone

Jumped into the Chevy and headed for big lights

Wanna know the rest? Hey, buy the rights...

Regardless of how you feel about 2020, it has been an interesting year to be alive in. This year has been one for the history books in more ways than we know. And, assuming we all live through tonight, when you're old, you know you're going to be telling "I lived through 2020" stories. It almost makes all the bullshit worth it. What did I tell you about Jupiter in Capricorn last year? "The luck is more in seeing the lesson for what it is, not that you'll get anything tangible out of the experiences you have." This year may have sucked but - if you were doin' it right - you grew as a fucking person. And that's the only surefire way to know if a year was good or not - Did I grow as a person? I don't know about you, but by that measuring stick, 2020 was fucking great year for me. And I'm prepared to finish out the rest of my 8 year (the Year of Inner Strength) with grace, enthusiasm, and just a touch of gallows humor. With that, let's sum up some of the chaos of 2020.

Music: Holy shit, did 2020 turn out some great music! It seems like everyone from Anti-Flag to Zebra Katz (yes, I went through the whole list to find an artist that started with Z) released an album. Even some dead folks released albums (RIP Mac Miller). Over a thousand (approximately 1036) albums were released over the course of 2020 - and those are just albums with notable coverage! By comparison, 2019 had 743 notable album releases and 2018 only had 443. I can't go through every album that was released but it's an impressive list. Classic 80s and 90s bands, like Green Day and the Pet Shop Boys had new work. Pop heavyweights like Ariana Grande and Meghan Trainor dropped some good shit. There was literally every kind of musical assistance available to get everyone through this year. As I mentioned, Taylor Swift released two albums that comprise easily her best work. She plays a lute on the album version of "Willow" - The Bitch plays a Fucking Lute!!! She's also very openly embracing the witch label - all of her "Willow" remixes have names like "dancing witch version" or "lonely witch version," as well as her increasing use in recent years of witchy themes/aesthetics for her lyrics and videos. And I'm so here for it - you do you, Taylor. (Please note I use the term "bitch" with the fondest endearment, because I personally take that word as a compliment.) And Dave Grohl had a legit drumming battle/rivalry with an amazing little English girl. This may be the musical revolution we were all hoping for but hadn't come to fruition until now. 

The Election: Trump will probably be considered one of the worst presidents in history - a title he worked hard for and has earned. But, in my mind, he does have one success that no other president in recent history can claim. He made the American people actually give a shit. This year was the highest voter turnout (by percentage of the eligible voting population) in over 120 years! People voted, even with the risk of potentially dying looming over them. It's almost a miracle. No - it is a miracle. Not that people voted him out (personally, I was expecting 4 more years, even with the pandemic) but getting people to stop being so apathetic about the outcomes of their choices and how they affect others. How people started grasping that personal choices in the present affect the future in real ways. It's all very Aquarian, if I may point it out. While I was somewhat relieved Biden won, I'm concerned we'll become complacent again and nothing truly will be repaired. But the only thing I can control is myself and I intend to be just as critical with Biden's choices as I was with Trump. 

COVID-19: The pandemic has changed how we function in society on so many levels and will probably continue to change our lives for years to come. It has altered how we stay connected when being physically together is not an option. It has uncovered the cracks in our approach to healthcare. It has given us an entirely new perspective on how to balance the work-life equation. For many people, it has forced them to take an honest look at their closest relationships. For others, it has taught them who they are when they have no other choice than to be alone. Not all of these have been happy or easy lessons, but they are necessary for progress. And of course, many of us have lost loved ones or know people who have lost loved ones to the virus. Those deaths are painful to deal with and, in my opinion, most were not necessary at all. We're going to look back at the handling of the pandemic for years, shaking our heads and saying "mistakes were made." But the important thing is that we commit to not making those mistakes again.

Personal Growth: Rather than doom scrolling this year, a lot of people decided to use their time stuck at home to work on themselves. People took classes, tried out new hobbies they've never had time for, read books that were gathering dust on the shelves, and spent a lot of time on projects that weren't necessarily income-generating. Some people realized how social they really were and learned how to reach out for connection. Others learned how to enjoy their alone time. I have this theory (it's one most psychologists and therapists share) that if you work on yourself, other things - relationships, careers, projects, society as a whole - start to get better. And if things aren't getting better in a certain area as you focus more on your own self-actualization, it's probably because a major change needs to occur in that area. Yes, I do apply this to my own major depressive episode. I thought I was doing all the work but I got to a point where I couldn't do it by myself. That was my thing - vacillating between codependence and extreme independence. I'm learning how to be interdependent, which has me doing really brave things, like fully trusting people to handle their responsibilities, being vulnerable about how I feel, and actively asking for connection instead of assuming it will come to me. Doesn't sound very scary? Fucking try it first and then get back to me.

Spirituality: Finally, the last thing I'll mention is that witchcraft and New Age practices like tarot, astrology, and numerology, have never been as widely accepted as they are now. Every day, I see more and more baby witches, sorcerers, heathens, pagans, etc. openly embrace the call for a different way of understanding the world. A way that weaves together the mystical and mundane, the scientific and the spiritual. It's something I always wanted to see when I was a naïve yet already spiritually jaded teenager. The amount of validation I feel is palpable. It took nearly 20 years for me to see it in my lifetime but it's so worth it. More books on the occult and esoteric come out every day and I wish I could buy every one of them. But I should probably read the ones I already have (which takes up two shelves in my book case). It's one of the things I'm grateful for as we move into the New Year.

A few posts ago, I mentioned I had a deep desire to "find the others," to quote Gordon White. If you're reading this, I'm pretty sure you're the Others. Lucky you.

As I've mentioned, I've created a "Party Like It's the End of the World" mix - it's a work in progress but I'm sharing it anyway. Happy New Year!

"How Bizarre" Video

"Trampoline" by SHAED feat. ZAYN

One of the things I've always been fascinated with was dream interpretation. Like Jung and Freud, I believe witnessing and understanding your dreams can be a powerful tool in psychoanalysis. Dreams are an amalgamation of everything we've amassed in our waking life, even the things we don't consciously remember consuming or making a connection with. Our unconscious mind can unearth inner struggles and desires that we're barely aware of on autopilot. A vague feeling of being unwanted. A pervasive and growing boredom with existing routines and the status quo. A desire to reach for something more, something different. A fear that we'll fail, in spite of our best intentions. The mind takes these hazy, intangible, fleeting thoughts and puts them together into a story, with color, mood, and some semblance of a plot. If you can remember them (and we'll get to that later), dreams can provide a wealth of insight into your inner world. As such, dream interpretation and journaling is often an essential part of shadow work and therapeutic writing.

I've been havin' dreams

Jumpin' on a trampoline

Flippin' in the air

I never land, just float there

As I'm looking up

Suddenly the sky erupts

Flames alight the trees

Spread to fallin' leaves

Now they're right upon me

Right now, many people are experiencing a period of enhanced dream recall. There are many reasons for this. Astrologically, Mercury is conjunct Neptune in Pisces. Mercury-Neptune aspects tend to correlate with more vivid dreams and enhanced recall within the collective, especially since Neptune is in Pisces, the sign it rules according to modern astrology. From the psychological perspective, none of us are sleeping very well. We're not reaching deep sleep, but remaining in the hypnogogic upper levels of sleep. We also have a lot on our minds. Sure, a lot of those thoughts may be on the current state of affairs, but times like these have a habit of dredging up things long forgotten. For me, personally, I'm in my first trimester of pregnancy and, for some reason, being pregnant causes some women to have very vivid, memorable dreams. So, due to the strange conglomeration of all of those factors, I have been having strange dreams indeed. I found out I was pregnant the day before Mercury went retrograde and - when I saw the test results - I was filled with this feeling of dread. Unlike with my first pregnancy - where I was filled with an unerring calm and sense of purpose - my only thought was "this isn't a good time, baby." Mind you, this was quite a bit before the shit really hit the fan with this whole COVID-19 situation and I was thinking it was bad timing for a myriad of personal reasons. However, my intuition was correct nonetheless. That night, I had a dream. I was in a large room, filled with shelves. Very similar to the scene in "Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix," when they arrive in the Hall of Prophesies. I remember browsing the shelves and purposefully choosing this child I'm carrying. The interpretation I took away from this dream is that this kid is meant to be born. And, for better or worse, the experience of carrying this child through this turmoil is meant for me. So I'm just trying to take it in stride and stay positive.....because I have no other choice, at the moment.

Dream interpretation has been a hobby of mine since high school. I remember we had this book of all the possible interpretations of symbols in dreams and the various meanings. However, there's more to it than that. First, it's important to note how you feel in the dream and when you wake up. Next, consider who was in the dream. Then, take note of things that seemed off or didn't seem to match. If you dream of your significant other or another person close to you and the overall feeling isn't happy or peaceful, then your subconscious may be trying to tell you something is off about this relationship. It doesn't mean it's bad, it just means there's an underlying issue that you're not addressing. Then, take note of the landscape - deserts are usually indicative of feeling unloved or unwanted whereas forests or gardens mean the opposite. Does the setting feel familiar? If so, are there details that weren't quite right? Finally, consider the point of view - were you observing the dream from a 1st person or 3rd person perspective? Were you a character in the dream at all or were you viewing it like a movie? If you dream journal, make sure to note these details along with the general plot of the dream immediately upon waking.

Wait if I'm on fire

How am I so deep in love?

When I dream of dying

I never feel so loved

If you are somebody who would like to increase your dream recall, starting a dream journal is a must. The simple act of writing down your dreams and attempting to analyze them provides immediate feedback to your brain that it should make an effort to remember future dreams. It's a self-reinforcing action. If dream journaling isn't enough to significantly increase your recall, it's recommended you meditate on an affirmation for dream recall before falling asleep. It doesn't need to be complicated - something like "I will remember my dreams tonight" or "I always remember my dreams" is sufficient. This action is essentially self-hypnosis. The mind is extremely malleable during the hypnogogic state right when you are falling asleep. Repeating the suggestion subliminally programs your mind to perform the desired action. It might take a few days but the results tend to be impactful. And, as a bonus, meditation also leads to better quality sleep. You can also try supplements or teas containing valerian root, which has properties that promote better sleep and is correlated with a higher incidence of lucid dreams.

I hope this post was a bit more chipper and informative than recent posts. I'm starting to get my energy back and I'm slowly clambering out of this depressive fog I've felt for the past month. It may be more Song du Jours than album reviews for a few weeks while I get my bearings but I intend to get back on track with that endeavor shortly. As for today's featured song, I chose the duet with Zayn Malik because I prefer this version over the original. The song is about a confusing dream where the singer feels a deep sense of love but the imagery in her dream is frightening and destructive. Although this seems like a contradiction, it may not be. There can be beauty in destruction, depending on the circumstances. Love - real, true Love - shakes you to the core and and destroys all that is false. It frees you from all that you're encumbered by. Maybe this is totally a "7th House ruled by Sagittarius" thing but I have begun to believe that Love is Freedom. If you don't feel free - to express yourself, to be an authentic soul, to make your own choices, to pursue happiness - it isn't Love. It may be attachment, it may even be addiction, but it isn't Love. I'll step off my soapbox now. Suffice it to say, my mind has been on overdrive lately, formulating wild theories and half-baked ideas. It's probably dangerous but we live in a dangerous world.

"Trampoline" Video

"Baby" by Clean Bandit feat. MARINA and Luis Fonsi

I haven't been writing much. Not surprisingly, current circumstances aren't the most inspiring. I haven't even been journaling, despite the thoughts and emotions that have been whizzing around my mind. They'll circle back again. People have been reporting random bouts of weeping and, I must admit, I've had my moments of this, too. It's grief. We're grieving. We're all experiencing a collective, traumatic event. There are parts of our lives that will never return to normal and for some people, the prospect of never seeing loved ones again is very real at the moment. It's okay to feel moments of extreme anxiety, sadness, hopelessness, and even anger. For a lot of people, the precarious nature of their lives and routines have been cast in stark relief against a bleak reality. The People in Charge either clearly don't know what they're doing or have been revealed as more morally corrupt than we could've imagined. And yet, they're still in charge. Throughout all of this runs a pervasive obsession of what happens "after." At least, it does for me. I have an unerring faith that I probably won't die. No, this isn't how or when I go, I'm very certain. Perhaps that's foolish because I also believe that the worst is yet to come in the US. And I'm not even talking about just the virus. I'll keep my predictions to myself but I don't think any of this is going to end quickly or pretty.

Guess I had my last chance

And now this is our last dance

You fell through the cracks in my hands

Tell myself be stronger

My heart's like a rubber band

And it's such a shame

You'll always be the one who got away

We both know that deep down you feel the same

Hard to say it's over

But I'm already someone else's (C'mon)

I have this place I go in my dreams. It's been showing up more recently in the last couple years. It's a town by the sea, arranged against a cliffside, like towns on the coast of the Mediterranean. Think Positano, Italy, or the Amalfi Coast in Greece. The buildings are very colorful and even have a Dr. Seuss-like quality, all curves and twists. The roads are narrow, barely big enough for a Vespa or perhaps a really small car going one way. As such, the inhabitants of this town walk everywhere. It's not a very big town but it does have a lot of layers and to traverse the town, you have to walk up a lot of steep roads and staircases. My imagination probably pulled that from my rompings around Bisbee when I was younger. Every window has a flower box and the edges of the streets are dotted with wild roses and Cyprus trees. At the top of the cliff is a very expensive and fancy restaurant, where I've had a few dinners. Sometimes it's Italian food, other times it's French - although, truthfully, it probably changes with whatever fancy dish I saw on Instagram that day. There's a luxury ferry you can take a ride on for tours of the bay and even get lunch, if you're so inclined. And of course, at the base of this town is a white sandy beach that fades into the clearest blue ocean. These dreams aren't frequent - maybe one every couple of months. I mention it now because my most recent dream of this magical sanctuary was a few weeks ago, before everything seemed to spiral. Only this time, it was different. The town, which had always seemed bustling and full of life before, was empty. All the lights were off and I spent most of the dream banging on doors, desperately trying to bring the town back to life again. I couldn't, though. Dreams always make sense in hindsight.

Wish I met you at another place and time

If only, if only you were mine

This love story ends for you and I

'Cause I'm already someone else's

Baby, ahh (Contigo otra vez)

Baby, ahh (Mereces mucho mejor, mucho mejor)

Baby, ahh (Lo que tienes con ella, no es amor)

I'm already someone else's

The song isn't related to anything. It just makes me happy. It makes me think of a passionate, yet doomed romance (which all the best romances are). I heard it during a fan made YouTube video for some Turkish romance movie, the plot of which involved a university professor falling in love with one of his students. Judging from the video, it looks like he dies in a hail of bullets. No idea why, things started out innocently enough. Anyway, the song is about meeting the right person at the wrong time. Even though you want to do something about it, you know you shouldn't. Fodder for all the best poetry. It's Latin-influenced but it does sound vaguely Middle Eastern. But then, of course, Spain has a strong Moorish history, so we already know the styles blend well. It's one of the reasons I really like Shakira - she weaved her Lebanese heritage into her music so flawlessly. Watching her perform live was pretty amazing. This song is lively and I'd like to imagine there is a pair of young lovers somewhere, dancing in the living room of their tiny apartment with wild abandon, while the world goes to shit right outside their door. In the meantime, when I'm not listening to happy dance music, I've spent a good portion of my time meditating and limiting how often I check the news. When I have the energy, I cook things and, eventually, I'll get to writing again.

"Baby" Video

"Survival" by Muse

Given the current state of affairs, I was planning to pick something upbeat and cheeky, like "It's the End of the World" by R.E.M. However, this song came on while my family and I were taking a short drive to get out of the house and it seemed eerily fitting, title and all. I haven't been writing on here much. I've been a bit preoccupied lately by my personal life and then my entire family contracted the flu. I was the last victim and it's had me asleep for most of the time since Friday. And yes, I had the flu vaccine - it seems they missed a strain. But even then, this year has not at all gone how I'd been hoping. Sure - I read all the astrological forecasts, I knew there were fairly shitty alignments and events ahead of us, but I thought, "Surely, I can still make a plan." Well, if you've been paying attention, I'm pretty sure most people's plans have been going to shit. The stubborn ones have been forcing their plans to stay in tact, despite circumstances (and there will be consequences, but they aren't the types that are concerned with those). But those of us who have our eyes open have begrudgingly adapted. I've been browsing twitter enough to know everyone is on their soapbox lately so I'll just say this - act with dignity and consideration for others and you won't fuck up. This will end sooner than you think....unfortunately, the rest of 2020 is still pretty shitty.

"Survival" is about just that -  survival. But not the kind of survival most people think of. It's the negative, often self-destructive and socially isolating, coping methods we adapted to survive childhood. I often find myself walking around, struck by how obvious it is that I'm interacting with another's Inner Child. I will watch politicians on screen and read tweets by perfect strangers, and recognize how many people strike out and speak from such a vulnerable place. And most of the time, it just makes me sad. I was watching a psychology video about how to recognize when you're dealing with someone emotionally immature and one of the signs is that they don't remember much of their childhood. The reason for that is that they haven't processed it. I find it weird because I remember nearly all of mine - a lot of bad stuff, yes, but a few happier moments. And, yes, I'm still dealing with understanding a lot of it and I make revelations often (sometimes daily if I'm really thinking on things), but at least I have the knowledge of how it shapes me and my reactions. So that I can be in control of who I am and how I behave. This knowledge is absolutely paramount in order to get out of the "survival" stage. What I'm realizing now is that most people - even those we consider extremely successful - are still in survival mode. They believe how they behave in this autopilot stage is "who they are," but it's not. In psychology, "survival mode" is a state of being consumed with worry about what we believe is threatening our stability in life. For some, it's the fear that we won't ever have enough money or financial security. Or that if we lose our outward attractiveness, we'll lose our value to current/potential partners and ultimately, society. Or if we lose our health or youthfulness, we'll lose the purpose for our lives (see Chris Treager in "Parks & Rec). Or it's a desperate need for validation that we're the most interesting or intelligent person ever, to consume all the attention in the room. For some, it can be a nightmarish amalgamation of all these things and more - a nightmare you can only escape through some sort of therapeutic practice. Not everyone needs talk therapy (although it does help if you're in crisis mode) but some sort of structured, introspective practice that helps you face these underlying demons in a nonthreatening way. Before you get triggered and start fighting over toilet paper in the supermarket.

You won’t pull ahead

I’ll keep up the pace

And I’ll reveal my strength

To the whole human race

Yes I am prepared

To stay alive

And I won’t forgive,

Vengeance is mine

And I won’t give in

Because I choose to thrive

So that's what I've been grappling with in my mind for the past few days. In general, the way that my fellow Americans have been acting in the past couple weeks has annoyed and frustrated me. Trying to absorb it through a compassionate lens, which was admittedly cloudy while my immune system was in the tank while it took several hours to fill a fairly routine prescription. Although I don't feel frightened right now, I can understand how this moment in time can be scary for some people. I'm also keenly aware that some people out there kind of enjoy being scared and, alternatively, enjoy creating fear for others. But over the past 15 or so years, I've watched as we gleefully implemented all the worst parts of the dystopian novels I enjoyed reading as a teenager. I'm not surprised by anything happening today - it's been coming for a long time. Which is why it's especially important to keep our eyes wide open and our heads level right now. Because the only ones who benefit from others being in survival mode are predators.

"Survival" Video