"Better When I'm Dancin'" by Meghan Trainor

 Today, we have a penumbral lunar eclipse in Gemini, the first of a series of eclipses occurring on my Ascendant. It also marks the start of the final eclipse season for 2020 and we're almost out of the battle royale in Capricorn, as Jupiter and Saturn will be making their way into Aquarius really soon (mid-late December). Congratulations! You've survived 2020! Perhaps celebrating is premature but things are starting to get better, even if we can't see them. As we know, eclipses portend major changes in the House they fall in our natal chart. As a Gemini Rising, this series of eclipses (as eclipses fall near the lunar nodes, which change approximately every 1.5 years) will be making aspects in my first and seventh Houses - the House of Self and the House of Partnerships. At the begin of the COVID Crisis, I watched a really interesting astrology webinar that posited that, aside from being the House of Partnerships, the 7th House contains our Shadow. I felt there might be something to that, because we often are triggered (i.e., attracted or repulsed) by traits we are repressing. For example, I've always been attracted to charismatic people. My best friend in high school often said my "type" was the loudest guy in the room - and that has been so true. Up until recently, because as I've integrated my Shadow more and became more of my authentic self, I've found that I can be quite charismatic and charming, too. Often when I'm not even aware of it - well, duh, it's my Shadow. To reach Maslow's ideal state of "self-actualization," you have to fully integrate the Shadow into the Self.

Don't think about it

Just move your body

Listen to the music

Sing, oh, ey, oh

Just move those left feet

Go ahead, get crazy

Anyone can do it

Sing, oh, ey, oh

I've been feeling much better - not depressed by my standards anymore - but I plan to continue counseling because there's clearly a lot of stuff I still need to work on. Mostly around meeting and communicating my own needs, desires, and boundaries. I have a tendency to slip into codependent behaviors - giving to much of myself (in an attempt to feel worthy and avoid rejection/abandonment) without considering (or noticing) if others are reciprocating. My mindset in the past has been "if I do more, then the other person will do more." And that's simply not true. You have to ask for what you want and the other person will (1) make an honest effort to meet your request fully or (2) they won't and you have to ask someone else. And you have to be prepared to accept their response at face value, even if it's disappointing. No making up narratives about how "they really want to but they can't for some reason." Yes, being generous, caring, and helpful is in my nature, but I'm learning I need to be more discerning in who deserves my time and energy. With one month left (and it's sure to be just as eventful), I'm grateful for this year. It's unveiled the cracks in the foundation of how I deal with life and I'm finally in a place to start patching those up. So when the next baby (or other life changing circumstance) comes along, I can cope better with whatever craziness it triggers.

Show the world you've got that fire (fire)

Feel the rhythm getting louder

Show the room what you can do

Prove to them you got the moves

I don't know about you,

My favorite YouTube astrologer, Wondergirl (yeah...I don't know her real name...I think it might be Britney?) has been framing the Saturn - Pluto conjunction in Capricorn this year as huge transformational energy. Although it was only exact on January 12th, it's been in a loose conjunction since April 2019. Wondergirl says that, since that time, we've been trying to change our lives in ways we haven't been able to for the last 35 years. For some people, like myself, that's my whole life! And yeah, I've just realized in the last year that I've been mistaking codependency and repression for kindness, loyalty, and love - and it's really not fucking working for me. It never has. The same things that attract all those "pure of heart" people I've mentioned also attracts some really shitty people. And I never see it coming. I always get it wrong, because I want to believe the best in people. Weirdly enough, I have a tendency to keep the best people at a distance. There's a better song to analyze those issues, though. Long story short - I have been trying to fundamentally change my life since last April. Maybe I haven't been aware of it the whole time but I have been.

But I feel better when I'm dancing, yeah, yeah

Better when I'm dancing, yeah, yeah

And we can do this together

I bet you feel better when you're dancing, yeah, yeah

Stale approaches to how we used to solve our problems just aren't going to cut it anymore, so we have to take a leap of faith into the great unknown. It's uncomfortable but it's necessary. A lot of people are excited to "get back to normal" when the vaccine starts rolling out next year but - let's face it - the old normal was shitty. Why would you want to go back to that? Because it's familiar? Because it's easy? Because it's less scary? Because you've invested so much time into that way of life? No, none of those are good reasons. When you know better, you do better. If you keep doing things the same way - accepting the same situations, following the same patterns, attracting the same people - expecting different results, the fault is on you when you're unhappy. Regardless of whether you believe in astrology, I think that's a good way of looking at downturns in life. Every day is an opportunity to grow into the person you were meant to be. I've transformed into a million different people in my life thus far (total Gemini Rising thing) yet, somehow, I'm even more myself than ever. Weird.

"Better When I'm Dancin'" was featured in the "Peanuts Movie," and that's the only notable thing about this song. It's fun and it makes me feel happy. So much so that I've added it to my "Party Like It's the End of the World" playlist on Spotify. Yes, I spend more time thinking about what my playlists should be named than picking out the songs featured in them. Trying to keep this energy as my first day back at work is tomorrow. As is custom, this post is set to be published at the time of the eclipse.

"Better When I'm Dancin'" Video

"Survival" by Muse

Given the current state of affairs, I was planning to pick something upbeat and cheeky, like "It's the End of the World" by R.E.M. However, this song came on while my family and I were taking a short drive to get out of the house and it seemed eerily fitting, title and all. I haven't been writing on here much. I've been a bit preoccupied lately by my personal life and then my entire family contracted the flu. I was the last victim and it's had me asleep for most of the time since Friday. And yes, I had the flu vaccine - it seems they missed a strain. But even then, this year has not at all gone how I'd been hoping. Sure - I read all the astrological forecasts, I knew there were fairly shitty alignments and events ahead of us, but I thought, "Surely, I can still make a plan." Well, if you've been paying attention, I'm pretty sure most people's plans have been going to shit. The stubborn ones have been forcing their plans to stay in tact, despite circumstances (and there will be consequences, but they aren't the types that are concerned with those). But those of us who have our eyes open have begrudgingly adapted. I've been browsing twitter enough to know everyone is on their soapbox lately so I'll just say this - act with dignity and consideration for others and you won't fuck up. This will end sooner than you think....unfortunately, the rest of 2020 is still pretty shitty.

"Survival" is about just that -  survival. But not the kind of survival most people think of. It's the negative, often self-destructive and socially isolating, coping methods we adapted to survive childhood. I often find myself walking around, struck by how obvious it is that I'm interacting with another's Inner Child. I will watch politicians on screen and read tweets by perfect strangers, and recognize how many people strike out and speak from such a vulnerable place. And most of the time, it just makes me sad. I was watching a psychology video about how to recognize when you're dealing with someone emotionally immature and one of the signs is that they don't remember much of their childhood. The reason for that is that they haven't processed it. I find it weird because I remember nearly all of mine - a lot of bad stuff, yes, but a few happier moments. And, yes, I'm still dealing with understanding a lot of it and I make revelations often (sometimes daily if I'm really thinking on things), but at least I have the knowledge of how it shapes me and my reactions. So that I can be in control of who I am and how I behave. This knowledge is absolutely paramount in order to get out of the "survival" stage. What I'm realizing now is that most people - even those we consider extremely successful - are still in survival mode. They believe how they behave in this autopilot stage is "who they are," but it's not. In psychology, "survival mode" is a state of being consumed with worry about what we believe is threatening our stability in life. For some, it's the fear that we won't ever have enough money or financial security. Or that if we lose our outward attractiveness, we'll lose our value to current/potential partners and ultimately, society. Or if we lose our health or youthfulness, we'll lose the purpose for our lives (see Chris Treager in "Parks & Rec). Or it's a desperate need for validation that we're the most interesting or intelligent person ever, to consume all the attention in the room. For some, it can be a nightmarish amalgamation of all these things and more - a nightmare you can only escape through some sort of therapeutic practice. Not everyone needs talk therapy (although it does help if you're in crisis mode) but some sort of structured, introspective practice that helps you face these underlying demons in a nonthreatening way. Before you get triggered and start fighting over toilet paper in the supermarket.

You won’t pull ahead

I’ll keep up the pace

And I’ll reveal my strength

To the whole human race

Yes I am prepared

To stay alive

And I won’t forgive,

Vengeance is mine

And I won’t give in

Because I choose to thrive

So that's what I've been grappling with in my mind for the past few days. In general, the way that my fellow Americans have been acting in the past couple weeks has annoyed and frustrated me. Trying to absorb it through a compassionate lens, which was admittedly cloudy while my immune system was in the tank while it took several hours to fill a fairly routine prescription. Although I don't feel frightened right now, I can understand how this moment in time can be scary for some people. I'm also keenly aware that some people out there kind of enjoy being scared and, alternatively, enjoy creating fear for others. But over the past 15 or so years, I've watched as we gleefully implemented all the worst parts of the dystopian novels I enjoyed reading as a teenager. I'm not surprised by anything happening today - it's been coming for a long time. Which is why it's especially important to keep our eyes wide open and our heads level right now. Because the only ones who benefit from others being in survival mode are predators.

"Survival" Video

"The Widow" by The Mars Volta

I was finishing up my first listen-through of "The Velvet Underground & Nico" when I was struck by a sudden urge to listen to The Mars Volta. No reason for it. The band's name just suddenly popped in my head. The Mars Volta is a band from El Paso and they were active when I was in high school and college. Since they were local, the University radio station played them quite a bit. Earlier this week, I rediscovered this wonderful, dark ballad, which I felt compelled to share to mark the lunar eclipse. Because that is something I do now.

There's something haunting about this song. The vaguely Spanish lilt to the melody. The twangy guitar and the slow rhythmic drumming. How the music comes in waves, receding as the lyrics come in soft, slowly and then rising up dramatically, to consume the listener. A lonely trumpet playing a funerary dirge, as the words hit your core. Then, of course, Cedric Bixler-Zavala's vocals infuse the lyrics with emotion - pain, desperation, contempt, envy, resignation - and that's what really makes this song feel so dark. Che Aimee Dorval sings a cover of this song. It's good, but it's not the same. There's something about the original that you just can't capture. The album version, after the last lyrics, devolves into a cacophony of noise. As the Widow succumbs to madness or so I assume.

Side note: I'm starting to see a pattern in what I like in songs lately. If it's dark and has a flamenco guitar (or a Spanish influence), I'm there. Apparently, that's my jam right now.

Look at how they flock to him

From an isle of open sores

He knows that the taste is such

Such to die for

And I hear him every night

On every street

The scales that do slither

Deliver me from?

Freeze without an answer

Free from all the shame

Then I'll hide

'Cause I'll never never sleep alone

There's this theory that the Widow is singing about Death. She sees his spectre everywhere. Death is a presence the Widow sees constantly. Though she sings about Him ruefully, she admits there's also a dark attraction she has. Some of my favorite depictions of Death are in the guise of a beautiful young man. I'm not sure where I read it but there is a fan explanation that this song is about a woman who is addicted to heroin and her drug dealer is her son whom she gave up for adoption. Or it could be that she's singing about her dead husband and remembering the early days when she was first drawn to him. Either way, there's a suggestion here that Death and her husband are one in the same. And she longs for him.

In that way, this song is strangely perfect for the upcoming Saturn-Pluto Conjunction on January 12th. Technically, we're already in the conjunction - it just won't be exact until Sunday. With the God of Death meeting the Lord of Time and Karma in his domain, the themes surrounding this conjunction are very much about doom and gloom. And imprisonment, especially the self-inflicted kind. The Widow is a label defined by Death. She can only exist after her husband - or lover - has died. Etymologically, widows aren't strictly defined by legal marriage and historically, women who lost men whom they were in love with, but not married to, were also considered widows. I think those situations are even more tragic - to lose a loved one but not have the societal standing for your grief to be adequately recognized. What happens to a man's mistress once he dies? She has to pretend she never loved him, to appear as just another mourner among the faceless funeral goers, while she dies inside. Assuming she dares to go to the funeral. Regardless, she's doomed to face the grief and pain alone. Something about the lyrics makes me think that's the case for the singer of "The Widow." Those situations make for some of the most compelling ghost stories, though. A young woman forever awaiting the return of her beloved from the War or the Sea, pacing the grounds of her estate or leaning on the rail of a Widow's Walk. It's always been a dream of mine to own a house with a Widow's Walk (but I'd settle for having a regular old balcony). Unfortunately, that's a style that's more common in expensive homes on the Eastern Seaboard, so that dream is unlikely to happen any time soon.

The Widow is also a common archetype in stories. She's a character who is both haunting and haunted. The Widow is someone to be feared, usually because she's wise, but often because she's cold and heartless. She generally has a tragic backstory. The implication is that she's unfeeling because she lost the love of her life. So if she seems reckless or ruthless in her actions, it's because she has nothing to fear. Not Justice, not Pain, and certainly not Death. She's survived the worst and now she's just biding her time until Death comes for her and she'll reunite with her beloved. The Widow doesn't care when or how or even why anymore. She is a solitary figure who is mysterious and seductive, but also a little dangerous. In a way, she's Death's match. I better stop there - this song has been stuck in my head off and on all week and it takes my mind to dark places.

Freeze without an answer

Free from all the shame

Let me die

'Cause I'll never never sleep alone

Finally, one of the greatest drummers of all time - Neil Peart (Rush) - died today. Completely unrelated to everything else I was ranting about but still worth mentioning.

"The Widow" Video