This song has been on my mind lately. When I was younger, I went through a period where I was very into California-based indie music. I listened to a lot of Rooney, Dayplayer, and Sleater-Kinney. And a ton of Rilo Kiley. The kind of music they'd play in Miller's Outpost (when they existed) and Pacific Sunwear. That weirdo trying to Shazam the song playing in the middle of the store - yeah, that's me. I'd try to be subtle about it until I realized no one gives a shit. Rilo Kiley was a particular favorite because they had that special mix of unexpectedly dark lyrics combined with upbeat melodies and wistful vocals. They sort of lost that as they got close to their break-up. I think "More Adventurous" was the peak and then the chemistry dissipated after that. Don't get me wrong - I enjoyed their last album. But it was missing something.
And I can watch TV
I can shuffle off to Buffalo
I can do a backbend
I will not call you back
Jenny Lewis grew up a child actor and, as she grew older, she got more despondent about life. I think that's common for people who were raised as trophy children - to feel like you're not much deeper than you're accomplishments. "The Frug" centers around the detachment she felt. The lyrics quietly - Look! - I can do all these things but I don't quite feel human most of the time. And sometimes, I don't feel anything at all. But I wish I did. Which is pretty sad, because you have a tendency to not realize that being detached can hurt other people. However, emotional detachment is a defense mechanism. In order not to get hurt, people withdraw or act like they don't care to save themselves from feelings of rejection and abandonment. Ironically, acting detached may actually result in the very results the person is trying to avoid. And it becomes this self-fulfilling cycle. Hence the repetitive nature of the final lyrics of the song.
And I can hate your girl
I can tell you that she's real pretty
I can take my clothes off
I cannot fall in love
This whole week, my mindset has been very "Go fuck yourself, I'm done." My thoughts have been scattered. And yes, I've felt detached and wanting to disappear. I cannot find a logical reason for it. Yes, the current situation has been frustrating but this last week of teleworking actually went by pretty quick. I was busy every day, so when I closed my laptop for the day, I didn't feel like I had wasted 8 hours. The astrological forecast is not as pleasant. The recent New Moon in Taurus fell in my 12th House - the House of Self-Undoing. And it was conjunct Uranus and square Saturn, currently in my 8th House (House of Death, Sex, and Taxes). All this could explain why I'm feeling particularly reckless. All those placements also happen to be aspecting my Mars placement, and thus exacerbating feelings of anger (among other things) and, with an opposition to Saturn, has me resentful of restrictions and rules. So if I punch somebody, I can just blame it on Uranus squaring my natal Mars. That'll hold up with the cops, right? And Pluto is about to go retrograde tomorrow, also in my 8th House. Particularly with Pluto Retrograde, themes of letting go play heavily. Because you can't transform if you're trying to hold on to something that doesn't serve you. Something that's not working. Of course, charts aren't destiny and you can spin all these placements in a more positive light. I'm just struggling with that right now.
"The Frug" was featured in a movie called "Desert Blue," which featured performances by Kate Hudson and Christina Ricci, both fairly young at the time. It was an alright movie. I probably wouldn't have watched it if I'd never heard this song. That's probably not the most glowing review but it's an honest one. It came out in 1998 - that will be obvious once you watch the music video.
"The Doors" was the self-titled debut album by - you guessed it - The Doors. Jim Morrison and Ray Manzarek formed the band in 1965, with Manzarek's brothers. After Manzarek's brothers left the band, they brought on Robby Krieger for guitar and John Densmore on drums. Thus, the Doors lineup was finalized. Jim Morrison was inspired by philosophers and poets, and wrote poetry himself when he was younger, which later influenced the lyrics he wrote for The Doors. He was an intense teenager, having moved a lot as a military brat, and he found solace in the beat poets and French existentialist writings of the time. Through these interests, Morrison and the rest of the band got caught up in the 60s drug culture and Eastern philosophy craze that permeated the Western United States. The band's name is taken from Aldous Huxley's "The Doors of Perception," which is about opening the mind's ability to perceive reality through psychedelic drug use (but mostly, it's just Huxley raving about how good the music tastes). Huxley's book title was inspired by a line in William Blake's "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell," which I'm sure Morrison also read because Blake would be very on brand for him. French existentialism, William Blake fan, a penchant for reading Renaissance-era tomes on demonology - the Lizard King sure was an interesting guy. Of course, I have no room to talk - Morrison sounds like me, if I had been born decades earlier as a man. Holy shit. Maybe I'm Jim Morrison reincarnated! Unlikely, but still an exciting prospect. I did do a chart for his death date (because I'm morbid) - 3 July 1971 - which had the Sun in Cancer and Moon in Scorpio. Suspiciously familiar placements - I won't rule out the possibility at this point. Anyway, the first single on this album, "Break On Through (To The Other Side" did not do too well initially. It wasn't until "Light My Fire" was released in April that The Doors really started to get traction.
Let's take a look at January 1967. An eventful month for the United States. The social program, Medicaid, which provides healthcare to low income disabled Americans, went into effect. Operation Cedar Falls takes place, injecting 30,000 American troops into the Vietnam War in an attempt to drive the Viet Cong out of the Iron Triangle. The Human Be-In occurred in the Haight-Ashbury district of San Francisco, kicking off the "hippie movement" in America and the precursor to what would be called the "Summer of Love" (much of which was fueled by The Doors' music). The first Superbowl would take place, with the Green Bay Packers beating the Kansas City Chiefs in a landslide victory. The Boston Strangler, Albert DeSalvo, was convicted of numerous crimes and sentenced to life in prison. In general, 1967 was a crazy year and a year of a lot of major beginnings and endings. It would set the stage for a lot of the liberation we associate with the next decade. There would be shift in what the nuclear family looked like and the lives that young people imagined for themselves. Women were seeking more opportunities in the workplace, everyone was looking for a less rigid class hierarchy, and the sentiment was growing steadily more anti-authoritarian. This would snap back in the opposite direction in the early 1980s, when materialism became King once more. But for a brief respite in the late 60s and through the 70s, Americans were trying to imagine a freer, more creative society.
The time to hesitate is through
No time to wallow in the mire
Try now we can only lose
And our love become a funeral pyre
Come on baby, light my fire
Come on baby, light my fire
Try to set the night on fire
Moving on to the astrological circumstances of this album and the band's enigmatic lead singer. When the album was released, the Sun was in Capricorn and the Moon was in Libra, so already a lot of cardinal energy in the chart. If we work in the ascendant (using noon as the "birth time," which is the standard when you don't have an official birth time), the ascendant was in Aries and almost directly opposite the Moon. To add to that, most of the inner planets and the Midheaven fall in Capricorn. As I said - a lot of Cardinal energy, which is indicative of a lot of forward momentum. As we've seen with previous artists, they often have to release several albums before they get that "big break." That was not the case for the Doors - they basically took off like a rocket once their debut album was released and it didn't stop until Morrison died. That's the power of strong cardinal influence in an election chart, especially when it's Capricorn energy - the energy of hard work, determination, and bringing powerful ideas into the physical. Surprisingly, even though he was born in December, Jim Morrison only has one Capricorn placement - Mercury. As a poet, this brings weight and gravity to his words. When he spoke, there was always a seriousness about him. Combined with his Venus in Scorpio, this added to the intensity of his lyrics and he always had an attraction to dark subjects and art. Also thanks to Venus in Scorpio, he was known as having a very sexual energy to him and he was infamous for bedding the women who came to his shows. He had a magnetic way about him. Scorpio energy, in general, usually has a "faithful" component and although he wasn't sexually faithful to her, he had a strong emotional bond with Pamela Courson, whom people called his "other half." Although he did marry Patricia Kennealy in a somewhat official ceremony, it was Pamela who he went back to in the end and who found him when he died. To be fair, he had Sun in Sagittarius and those placements have a reputation to be kind of commitment-averse in relationships. He had a strong desire for freedom, but it manifested as erratic, hot-and-cold behavior to those who were closest to him. At the time the album was released, the Moon (at 29°50' Libra) was conjunct his Venus (0°22' Scorpio), enhancing the emotional influence of the music he created. Both charts had the Trine aspect as the most common aspect, indicating that fulfilling the potential of those placements came naturally. Finally, Jim Morrison was an Aquarius rising - like a similar musical legend with the same placement (David Bowie), Morrison had a different way of looking at the world. In contract to Bowie, it was darker and more serious, but no less influential.
The featured song is "Light My Fire," the song that catapulted The Doors to the height of American Rock Glory. From the lyrics, it's clear what that phrase means. The singer is trying to convince the listener to have sex. We only have the present moment - resistance is futile and we're already feeling it, so why not? That is my loose interpretation of the lyrics. I believe it is fairly accurate. I chose the official music video/performance. The sound isn't as clean as the album version but watching Jim Morrison perform is an experience. The way he moves is uniquely awkward, but it's still mysterious and sexy.
After workplace festivities today, I'm in the Valentine's Day mood. I can neither confirm nor deny what that mood entails. This song has been growing on me and it's been stuck in my head this week. Since last Friday, to be exact, when the harpist (yes, harpist...he was awesome!) played a lovely rendition at the Mexican restaurant my coworkers and I went to for happy hour. This is embarrassing for me to admit because - I'm just going to call out the uncomfortable truth - this song is horribly racist. The implication is that he calls her "senorita" as a playful tease because she's a Latina. The twist is she likes it....because it's him. Speaking from experience, if she didn't want to fuck him, he would be dangerously close getting decked in the nose. It is super annoying when guys use the only Spanish words they know to flirt with me. This is true for most Hispanic/Latina girls I've spoken to. Shawn Mendes gets a slight pass, because he's of Portugese decent (and super hot), but to be honest, Hispanic/Latino guys are the worst about this bullshit. I calls it like I sees it. I'll get off my soap box now. Just remember - unless you know a girl is really into you, she probably ain't going to put up with this nonsense.
Locked in the hotel
There's just some things that never change
You say we're just friends
But friends don't know the way you taste, la la la
'Cause you know it's been a long time coming
Don't you let me fall
Ooh, when your lips undress me
Hooked on your tongue
Ooh love, your kiss is deadly
Don't stop
There's nothing complicated about the meaning of this song. Boy sees girl for the first time and feels drawn to her. Girl reciprocates and they start a situationship, based on the lyrics. They want it to continue, but it can't because he's just in Miami for a trip. Probably Spring Break. That sounds very much like what's happening here - frat boy falls for a local girl over Spring Break. It's not sustainable but it's incredibly stimulating while it's going. This song was written to evoke thoughts of sex on the beach (the act, not the drink) and mysterious, dark-haired girls in bikinis. Because those are the best kind. (Or maybe I just have a dirty mind lately.) Obviously, it was tailor-made to be a Summer hit and it was pretty popular in late Summer 2019, but it's just now getting a lot of airplay on the local radio. For a big city, San Antonio is surprisingly slow with the music trends. Yes, that is as disappointing as it sounds. Anyway, you'll be surprised to know Camila Cabello and Shawn Mendes are still a couple. Everyone thought they were only pretending to date because they released this song together. Nope. Still going strong. But she's a Pisces and he's a Leo. Poor girl is going to get her heart broken. (Pisces is the only water sign whose symbol is not a shelled animal, representing ultimate emotional vulnerability. And Leos have a tendency to be arrogant jerks, especially when they're young.) The video is pretty hot, though, if you like boys in Havana shirts and leather jackets. But damn him if he doesn't remind me of somebody....
I was finishing up my first listen-through of "The Velvet Underground & Nico" when I was struck by a sudden urge to listen to The Mars Volta. No reason for it. The band's name just suddenly popped in my head. The Mars Volta is a band from El Paso and they were active when I was in high school and college. Since they were local, the University radio station played them quite a bit. Earlier this week, I rediscovered this wonderful, dark ballad, which I felt compelled to share to mark the lunar eclipse. Because that is something I do now.
There's something haunting about this song. The vaguely Spanish lilt to the melody. The twangy guitar and the slow rhythmic drumming. How the music comes in waves, receding as the lyrics come in soft, slowly and then rising up dramatically, to consume the listener. A lonely trumpet playing a funerary dirge, as the words hit your core. Then, of course, Cedric Bixler-Zavala's vocals infuse the lyrics with emotion - pain, desperation, contempt, envy, resignation - and that's what really makes this song feel so dark. Che Aimee Dorval sings a cover of this song. It's good, but it's not the same. There's something about the original that you just can't capture. The album version, after the last lyrics, devolves into a cacophony of noise. As the Widow succumbs to madness or so I assume.
Side note: I'm starting to see a pattern in what I like in songs lately. If it's dark and has a flamenco guitar (or a Spanish influence), I'm there. Apparently, that's my jam right now.
Look at how they flock to him
From an isle of open sores
He knows that the taste is such
Such to die for
And I hear him every night
On every street
The scales that do slither
Deliver me from?
Freeze without an answer
Free from all the shame
Then I'll hide
'Cause I'll never never sleep alone
There's this theory that the Widow is singing about Death. She sees his spectre everywhere. Death is a presence the Widow sees constantly. Though she sings about Him ruefully, she admits there's also a dark attraction she has. Some of my favorite depictions of Death are in the guise of a beautiful young man. I'm not sure where I read it but there is a fan explanation that this song is about a woman who is addicted to heroin and her drug dealer is her son whom she gave up for adoption. Or it could be that she's singing about her dead husband and remembering the early days when she was first drawn to him. Either way, there's a suggestion here that Death and her husband are one in the same. And she longs for him.
In that way, this song is strangely perfect for the upcoming Saturn-Pluto Conjunction on January 12th. Technically, we're already in the conjunction - it just won't be exact until Sunday. With the God of Death meeting the Lord of Time and Karma in his domain, the themes surrounding this conjunction are very much about doom and gloom. And imprisonment, especially the self-inflicted kind. The Widow is a label defined by Death. She can only exist after her husband - or lover - has died. Etymologically, widows aren't strictly defined by legal marriage and historically, women who lost men whom they were in love with, but not married to, were also considered widows. I think those situations are even more tragic - to lose a loved one but not have the societal standing for your grief to be adequately recognized. What happens to a man's mistress once he dies? She has to pretend she never loved him, to appear as just another mourner among the faceless funeral goers, while she dies inside. Assuming she dares to go to the funeral. Regardless, she's doomed to face the grief and pain alone. Something about the lyrics makes me think that's the case for the singer of "The Widow." Those situations make for some of the most compelling ghost stories, though. A young woman forever awaiting the return of her beloved from the War or the Sea, pacing the grounds of her estate or leaning on the rail of a Widow's Walk. It's always been a dream of mine to own a house with a Widow's Walk (but I'd settle for having a regular old balcony). Unfortunately, that's a style that's more common in expensive homes on the Eastern Seaboard, so that dream is unlikely to happen any time soon.
The Widow is also a common archetype in stories. She's a character who is both haunting and haunted. The Widow is someone to be feared, usually because she's wise, but often because she's cold and heartless. She generally has a tragic backstory. The implication is that she's unfeeling because she lost the love of her life. So if she seems reckless or ruthless in her actions, it's because she has nothing to fear. Not Justice, not Pain, and certainly not Death. She's survived the worst and now she's just biding her time until Death comes for her and she'll reunite with her beloved. The Widow doesn't care when or how or even why anymore. She is a solitary figure who is mysterious and seductive, but also a little dangerous. In a way, she's Death's match. I better stop there - this song has been stuck in my head off and on all week and it takes my mind to dark places.
Freeze without an answer
Free from all the shame
Let me die
'Cause I'll never never sleep alone
Finally, one of the greatest drummers of all time - Neil Peart (Rush) - died today. Completely unrelated to everything else I was ranting about but still worth mentioning.
This has been a favorite throughout the past two decades (it came out in 2001). I just got back from a long car trip and I'm not feeling all that great so not much to say. I haven't meditated a week. Honestly, I've been so tired, I've mostly slept. However, I felt like I should post something and this song came to mind.
I looked up the song meaning - it's about the death of Pat Monahan's mother. I found his thoughts on it kind of poetic and beautiful: "The best thing we can do about loss of love is find ourselves through it." The less personal interpretation, which also came from Pat Monahan, is that it's about "a woman who is strong and has to find out who she is and a man willing to let her do that."
Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there's a-room to grow, hey, hey, yeah
Now that she's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as
Plain ol' Jane, told a story about a man
who is too afraid to fly so he never did land
I find that the further I go down this road, the softer I get. After many years, I've realized that - if you're doing this right - that's what is supposed to happen. Wisdom doesn't make you more inflexible, more stubborn, more closed, more unkind, more hard. It does the opposite. And I wonder what it must seem like to the outsider and I think this song encapsulates that. The lyrics are written from the point of view of a man who is in awe of this woman who has grown so much, even though he's mocking it a little. Just another defense mechanism. It's scary. He's afraid he's going to be left behind. Sometimes, that's what happens. You have to leave people behind, even if you don't want to. That's just how life goes. You can't do the work for someone else - that seems to be my constant lesson and yet, I can't help but feel like I should do something. Yet, there's very little I can do outside of being an example to follow (however lackluster an example that is). And being present. When I type it out, it seems like such a small contribution, but I know how important it is all the same. Because most people don't even bother. And I'm starting to bother.
An oldie but a goody. This song showed up in my music video mix recently. Another one of my comfort zones - late 90s soft rock. This song came out in 1998, over two decades ago. I've been feeling a little nostalgic lately. Maybe nostalgic isn't the word, but just reflective over the past decade. Random memories keep flooding in - things I haven't thought about in years. As they come up, I just try to make peace with them and let it go. It's not something that's easy for me to do - I have an excellent memory and a mind that tends to dwell and over-analyze on things well past their expiration date. According to Wikipedia, this song is about a girl who is feeling depressed as she contemplates her own mortality and how her life has gone so far, as she slowly succumbs to addiction. Yep. Super cheery. To be honest, tonight is a throw-away song and I'm running out of songs that I don't have a rant brewing for. Some of the rants are super long and I just want to chill and watch a movie tonight. Because I never get to watch movies anymore and I love watching movies.
She still lives with her mom
Outside the city
Down that street about a half a mile
And all her friends tell her
She's so pretty
But she'd be a whole lot prettier
If she smiled once in a while
`cause even her smile
Looks like a frown
She's seen her share of devils
In this angel town
I remember a game we played in my 9th grade social studies class as an icebreaker. It was a BINGO type game where you had to find a person that fit the description in each box and they had to sign their name next to the description - things like "Owns a dog" and "Can play an instrument." There was a box that had "Watches 5 movies a week" and that's the one I usually signed my name in when people came up to me. After the 20 minutes or so the teacher gave us to play the game, she went through all the squares, asking who was the most common person who signed for each of the descriptions. When she got to the movie question, she scoffed and said, "if someone watches 5 movies a week, they don't have a life." I remember being so crushed and embarrassed. I felt like I was such a weirdo and wanted to disappear. Now that I think of it, it's not weird. Most movies take about 2 hours and the average American watches like 4 hours of television a day. At least I was watching art instead of reality TV. When my dad was home - and he was deployed for most of my high school career, so this wasn't often - we'd watch something on Turner Classic Movies almost every day. I've probably seen basically every WWII film made in the 60s. Everything with Audrey and Marilyn. Most films starring John Wayne. Now that I'm older, I'm aware that other people share my interests, but back then, it was just another reason why I didn't fit in. More than anything now, I'm aware of how much impact a judgmental comments can make on people, even if we think it's just a throwaway comment. There's this question floating around Astrology Twitter and I was struggling to think of a response - What's your Venus sign and what's your biggest pet peeve regarding people? I think I've figured it out, though. Venus in Cancer and I dislike when people say mean things about others because they think it makes them look cool. Ironically, it's something I used to do a lot when I was younger. I'm not proud of it but at least I understand that tearing down others comes from a place of insecurity. I can work on not being insecure - I have been working on it.
Fun fact: Angelina Jolie also has Venus in Cancer. And she's a Cancer Rising. Which makes sense because she has such big Mom energy. You have to have a big heart to choose to care for that many children, half of which are adopted. Of course, it should've been pretty obvious when she started wearing a vial of Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck. Also, getting married after like a week and tattooing his name on her arm. Sounds like Cancer shenanigans to me - and I've had my fair share of Cancer shenanigans. Scorpio Venus doesn't have the market cornered on being intense when it comes to Love and Romance - to be honest, all the water signs are pretty fucking crazy.
I started drafting a rant for another song but then the sheer amount of stuff I need to do between today and tomorrow became real for me all of a sudden. I just baked approximately 50 cupcakes that will need to be frosted at some point, my backseat is filled with sticks we spray-painted silver (it's best not to ask), I haven't packed yet for our hotel stay, and when I get to the hotel tomorrow morning, there's 250+ balloons waiting to be blown up. Oh Joy. More Gemini Rising bullshit. My advice - don't do this to yourself. I'm a highly seasoned professional with years of experience volunteering to do labor-intensive nonsense for fun and profit. Just kidding - I've never profited from this stuff, not by any reasonable measure. I should probably remedy that, somehow. Suffice it to say, there won't be a post tomorrow. But Sunday's rant will hopefully be better because I won't be feeling rushed or stressed over party planning shenanigans. For the last month, I've seriously considered putting up the following sign:
I still might put it up - pot luck season isn't over yet.
Step out into the Indian dust
I can feel the cracks in my spirit
They're starting to bust
Drive by your house, nobody's home
I'm trying to tell myself that I'm better off alone
All of my friends say I should move on
She's just another girl, don't let her stick it to your heart so hard
And all of my friends say it wasn't meant to be
And it's a great big world, she's just another girl
YouTube has been pushing the music video for this song a lot lately. Because the algorithm knows my comfort zone....which is apparently early 2010s indie alternative rock. Predictable. But they got me, so clearly it's accurate. I liked it so it's been added to the appropriate playlists and I am sharing it today. It's about the stereotypical words of encouragement people say when your heart's broken that aren't as helpful as they think they are. After only having heard this song like last week, I already have a theory for the video. In the video, there's a pretty blonde girl who is lip-synching the lyrics. I think she was in "Glee" but I'm not sure because I was never into that show (which is weird, because I was all about choir in high school). I'm pretty sure the blonde is supposed to be the girl in question. Essentially, she's pretending to be the lead singer (by wearing his clothes and doing the things he'd normally be doing) because she took a part of him with her. Or maybe it means he doesn't believe she is "just another girl" because he feels she was the mirror image of himself - his metaphorical other half. Or maybe it was just a good reason to put Dianna Agron (I looked her up) in a bunch of awesome outfits. And her hair is amazing in the video - I'm not sure I could pull it off. I think I'd have to get bangs and I'd rather not. Fun fact: Dianna Agron's brother actually is named Jason so the song could be about her (but I suspect it's just a common name he picked to protect the innocent - the names in songs hardly ever point directly to an actual person). And after watching the video a few times, the replication of the looks from other Killers' music videos is made very intentional. Anyway, at the end of the video, Agron just walks away and she's not really part of the final scene. The lead singer is back to being himself, which makes me think that maybe she's not just another girl because she (or rather, the heartbreak she caused) inspired him to channel his intensity into his music. Everyone needs a muse.
My pre-teen self was all about this song. American Hi-Fi was one of the various CDs I flirted with buying before I realized Napster was a thing. It was the early 2000s - it was a crazy time for everyone! I'm just going to do a short post today, because I'm still trying too wrap up a project, but I hate going to long without posting on here.
As you may have noticed, the title is a play on words. Instead of "week," they use the word "weak" instead. I've had mixed feelings about this for -well - obviously at least two decades. It implies that the girl is weak because she's pouring all her love into a schmuck who doesn't appreciate it. As someone who loves too hard myself, I don't think of that as weak. In fact, I think people who refuse to let themselves love that hard are weak, because it means they don't have the courage to be vulnerable. They don't have the strength to have their heart broken multiple times and still be able to put it back together at the end of the day. You know how much inner strength it takes to not become completely cold and build a wall around you after you've been hurt? Most people don't have the mental, spiritual, or emotional fortitude for it. I've found that the kindest people I've ever met have had some of the hardest lives, went through some of the most shit circumstances I've ever heard of in my life - and, yet, they get up every day with the intention of being giving and kind, no matter what happens.
We could go with the alternate theory, which is implied at the end of the song with the final lyric of "she makes me weak." That she's exactly the kind of girl the singer is looking for but he sees himself as weak because of how she makes him feel. And he has kind of a point - it sounds like he's constantly pointing out the ways her boyfriend misses the mark but has never told her how he feels. He friend-zoned himself, basically, by trying to be the shoulder to cry on. Lame. That being said....he's not wrong. Her boyfriend does treat her like she's disposable and not good enough. So you have to wonder....why doesn't she already see it?
It's Friday night and she's all alone
He's a million miles away
She's dressed to kill, but the TV's on
He's connected to the sound
And he's got pictures on the wall
Of all the girls he's loved before
And she knows all his favorite songs
Validation, my dear friends. In a lot of relationships (and especially bad ones), people stay because they are receiving desperately needed validation (however small the amount) that they are worthy. Here's how the story in our heads goes - if I can get this impossible to please person who is constantly pointing out my faults to love me, I'm worthy of love. If I can just look the way they want, act the way they want, talk the way they want - they have to love me, right? How could they not? And, thus, a vicious cycle begins. Meanwhile, the other person is secretly craving validation, too, because they also feel unlovable. However, because it was easy to get validation from the other person, there must be something wrong with them because who could ever truly love a beast like me? And so s/he goes out looking for validation from a different source. Often, neither of these people truly understands what they want from a relationship and/or has unrealistic expectations of what love should look like, which is ultimately a recipe for disappointment and dissatisfaction. What usually ends up happening is we assume "this is how relationships are supposed to be" and people select partners who are unable to meet their needs/desires. They call it "compromise" but, in reality, it's self-betrayal. Your needs are your needs and, eventually, people become resentful when those needs aren't met. How long it takes to get to that point is largely based on a person's self-esteem - if you don't think you are worthy to be loved in the way you want, you'll put up with a lot more bullshit than someone with a healthy sense of self-worth. Also, we're usually replaying a story that we saw in our home life growing up. Think of all those tropes in sitcoms. The obedient but unhappy wife. The hen-pecked husband. The bitter divorcee. Or the hot, smart wife with the dumb, schlubby husband (and vice versa....I've never seen vice versa on TV, but I'm sure it could be done). Honestly, probably the healthiest dynamic I've seen in a sitcom (aside from "The Addams Family," which was purposely trying to up-end TV tropes) was the show, "Reba." And even that level of emotional/psychological sanity given the circumstances is pretty unrealistic.
How does this play out in the official video? Aside from placing the back story in the 1980s, the video storyline plays it pretty straight. It starts out with a journalist asking some metalheads, "What is your philosophy on life?", at which point, the loudest guy in the frame goes into a rant about how metal is better than punk (not even), avoiding the question entirely. The video is filmed to be a parody of the documentary, "Heavy Metal Parking Lot," which is an actual thing that exists and that anyone reading this can watch if they feel called to do something like that. I'm almost certain it's absolutely ridiculous and might be worth watching for the lulz. Moving on - we see the couple in question is waiting around for a concert to start. The girl tries to get affectionate but the guy seems utterly disinterested. He walks off with his friends, leaving her to fend for herself. While he walks around the parking lot, we see him run into various girls, giving them attention, while his actual girlfriend is walking around looking for him. Finally, he runs into a redhead trying to pull a Tawny Kitaen on his car. Of course, he goes after her and they start making out. At which point, the girlfriend sees them and realizes he's a scumbag. She's not the type to cause a scene so she runs off to be mopey somewhere. Of course, she is super pretty herself so other guys are instantly trying to get in her pants at the end of the video. Just from my own personal experience, this happens a lot. Typical.
Her boyfriend, he don't know
Anything about her
He's too stoned, he's too stoned
He's too stoned, he's too stoned
If this video continued on - for perhaps the length of a documentary? - eventually, the girl dancing on the car would become the sad girlfriend, too. Or maybe she has enough self-esteem to not put up with it and would leave first. It's not that she's prettier or sexier or better than his current (now, hopefully, former) girlfriend - he just has a vacuum where his heart should be. And he really should probably take care of that before getting in another relationship with anyone. Otherwise, the cycle continues. Gotta love those toxic spirals.
I went through a very heavy Liz Phair phase when I was in my teens. I think every girl who loves music does at some point, because Liz Phair is absolutely brilliant. "Extraordinary" came off her self-titled album, which came out in 2003. Perfect song for an awkward semi-goth/nerdy girl who felt like she wasn't very pretty and that the boys didn't notice her. Turns out that wasn't true, I'm just not approachable....and I kind of like it that way. Weeds out the weak ones, you know? I'm also a bit oblivious when I'm being hit on. Just remembered that this past weekend along with other things I'd forgotten about myself - I'm not good at small talk and prefer to just jump into the deep stuff; I enjoy being the lone digger and when I stop being self-conscious, I'm a fairly good dancer; I want every single day to be an adventure, even if it just means getting lost in a strange city sipping a latte; and I really, really love my older sister.
You think that I go home at night
Take off my clothes, turn out the lights
But I burn letters that I write
To you, to make you love me
But I drive naked through the park
And run the stop sign in the dark
Stand in the street, yell out my heart
To make, to make you love me
I am extraordinary
If you'd ever get to know me
"Extraordinary" is about rejection and how we shouldn't take it that seriously because - the majority of the time - it's not really about us. Someone I know recently went through a break up and, afterwards, she felt so low. Literally, the kindest, smartest, most beautiful woman I know in my life and someone had the fucking nerve to break up with her. Well, past the initial painful level, I think she realized it wasn't working for her either. He wanted her to morph into a completely different person to satisfy his needs but, in the end, one of two things happens - either she doesn't and he becomes resentful of her or she does and then loses herself in the process (and possibly sacrifices all the things that made her attractive to him in the first place). That's not a happy ending for either of them. I know rejection sucks but if you find yourself changing who you are and sacrificing your needs to please someone ("trying to fit a square peg in a round hole"), that relationship is basically doomed. Even though he sounds like an asshole, I kind of think he did them both a favor. And I know she'll be alright because she's amazing and, to quote her, she "could have any guy she wanted" (as egotistical as that sounds, it's absolutely true - if you knew her, you'd agree).
So I still take the trash out
Does that make me too normal for you?
Another thing I'd like to mention is that it's not a matter of trying harder, sometimes. The aforementioned friend was trying her hardest to meet his needs while maintaining her own identity and independence. And she loves so hard. But it doesn't matter how much you love someone if they can not or choose not to feel it. Some people truly are emotionally unavailable and get scared when they actually feel love because, due to all the previous trauma and rejection in their lives, it feels foreign. It feels overwhelming, like it's too much. It's important to remember that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you if you've been rejected. There's nothing wrong with the other person either. For whatever reason, at that point in time, it just didn't fit. You're not ugly or stupid or bad at sex - something just didn't fit and eventually, someone was going to become self-aware enough to admit it. That's okay. Something else will fit one day and it will be even better than you had imagined.
See me jump through hoops for you
You stand there watching me performing
What exactly do you do?
Have you ever thought it's you that's boring?
Who the hell are you?
Rejection hurts, though. It's one of our core wounds for a reason, so how do we get over it? First, remember that first and foremost, it means you tried. You took that leap of faith and - even though you got burned - at least you took it. You saw something you wanted and you went after it. That makes you brave - a lot braver than most people. Second, remember that you are fucking awesome, because I'm absolutely certain you are. Once you remember you're awesome, go out and continue being awesome. Cry if you need to, but then....Go dancing with your friends, immerse yourself in your obscure hobbies, buy yourself a Diane von Furstenburg dress (on consignment, of course - don't go too crazy!), read all those books you were planning to read anyway, and enjoy your life. You deserve to be happy - one person is not going to change that. You are still just as lovable and amazing as you always were. And you don't need to go chasing after someone who doesn't think you're good enough. Because you are.
Pulled out some of my favorite lyrics from this song - the first verse and the bridge. I love the first verse because it calls out those witchy rituals all girls do, especially when they have a crush. I guarantee you, most of the witches I know discovered witchcraft because they were trying to get a (generally unspectacular) boy to notice them. The bridge is awesome because that's exactly where you want to be in the grieving process after a break up. When you finally remove whoever it is from the pedestal you built up for them in your mind. When you realize you deserve something that works for everyone involved, including you.
Today will be a quick song of the day, since I'm out of town and haven't had much free time. I've tried to keep my Taylor rants to a minimum but I'm going to take a brief detour from this month's theme to share T-Swift's latest song. Mostly because it's the first one I really liked off the new album, which comes out this Friday. Don't get me wrong..."ME!" and "You Need to Calm Down" were fun but not brilliant. "The Archer" was stylistically unique but was a departure from what made Taylor famous (and sounded a little like she was trying to emulate the whimsical sad girl trope that's so popular in indie music nowadays). But "Lover" brings us back to what made her famous - heartfelt lyrics, understated romance, and a relatable country lilt that transcends genres. Honestly, it reminds me of my actual favorite T-Swift tune, "Everything Has Changed," and that's a good thing.
Ladies and gentlemen, will you please stand?
With every guitar string scar on my hand
I take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover
My heart's been borrowed and yours has been blue
All's well that ends well to end up with you
Swear to be over dramatic and true to my lover
And you'll save all your dirtiest jokes for me
And at every table, I'll save you a seat, lover
"Lover" appeals to me because it's rings something that I feel is essential for love and that is the feeling that you're home. Maybe it's my Cancer stellium talking, but it's incredibly difficult for me to feel comfortable enough to be myself with strangers. I find it weird because I find that most people will share all sorts of secrets with me, even when I'm not looking for it. It's not that I'm secretive, I just private...you'll get to know me when I want you to know me and not a minute sooner. When I do find someone that allows me to let my guard down without hesitation, that's something special. It goes without saying that those instances are rare, because once I get to that point, I have a tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm afraid Taylor and I have that in common, but - after all the turmoil and controversy stirred up during her 20s - it sounds like Taylor's Saturn return has been good to her. It sounds like she's found someone who both inspires her and encourages her to be playful, that makes her want to settle down and build a home. Someone who meets her on her level and both challenges her to be better while accepting that she's human, too.
I chose to feature the bridge because it has the most dynamic lyric pattern during the whole song. I also think it gets to the heart of what she's saying, which is this - if all the chaos and pain and tears led her to being with (to quote Tom Hanks in "You've Got Mail") the "one single person in the world who fills your heart with joy," then it was all worth it. But, I'd like to note few idiosyncrasies I found in the lyrics. Does she really think leaving the lights up until January is a big deal? Honestly, I love Christmas lights and, if it was up to me, I'd leave them up all year long. Or better yet, I'd string 'em up inside my house so I could enjoy them whenever, because it instantly makes a room feel magical. We did that for a while, in our first apartment in San Antonio, and I loved it. We also let our friends crash in our living room, but we really didn't have any other option. We were all young and broke, so it would've been pretty dick to make them get a hotel room. Also, doesn't Taylor Swift have like a 16-room mansion? Pretty sure crashing in the living room is fairly unnecessary for anyone in her social circle. But, I have to admit, it is kind of cozy. I enjoyed sleepovers when I was younger because it felt comforting to have everyone sleeping around me. I'm sure that says something troubling about my psyche but I don't care. Yes, I was one of those kids who liked camping in my living room (which was a rare and treasured experience) and building pillow forts. I read on Twitter that Cancers love their caves. In my case, this is accurate. My whole life, I've always wanted to sleep in a lit clos, which is a type of bed that is built into what looks like a chest of drawers, with doors you can close to make it dark. It's basically like sleeping in a coffin, which I'm sure I'd probably enjoy, too. I'm just rambling now, so I'll stop and give you some time to enjoy the video for "Lover," which is only a lyric video but it's got Taylor's favorite aesthetic (vintage home movies) all over it.
In a recent interview, Ariana Grande said that 2018 was both the best year of her life...and the worst. All I can say is...Ari, I'm right there with you. I think a lot of people are. And while most people haven't had as crazy a year as Grande has had (recovering from the trauma of a terrorist attack at one of her concerts, getting engaged, losing someone she loved to an overdose, getting un-engaged - all while churning out chart-toppers), there seems to be this atmosphere hanging in the air. That this was supposed to be a year of trials, tribulations, and transformation. I've been hanging around on Twitter a lot lately (a lot more than I had been the last couple of months) and - perhaps it's just the people I follow - but there's been a lot of "2018 year kind of sucked but I grew a lot as a person and that's awesome" stuff going around. Along with this seems to be an undercurrent of "2019 is going to be a-mazing." And while we always seem to think that around the New Year before it turns into same shit, different week...I'm hopeful. Who knows? Maybe 2019 really will be amazing.
I have plans, though. Lots of plans, because I do see the new year as an opportunity to start over, in some ways. To renew motivation. To refocus on what's important. Because, sometimes, that's all you can do. So, in addition to my perennial resolution to become a member of the Illuminati (which I make every year, because that should be everyone's goal), I'm expanding on my yearly motto of Read More, Write More, Move More, Be More.....and now, Love More. I'm going to try to be more present for my family, and more understanding and patient. With them and myself. I'm going to keep writing and try to be more effective with the few hours I have a week to devote to my projects. I plan to continue and expand my yoga practice (something I've taken up recently that I've found helps with the existential dread). Cook more and eat a more plant-based diet (The Husband is not very happy with this so we're not going completely vegetarian....for now). And then the usual business of continuing to be awesome at my job, being a good leader, and maintaining my current pace of constant learning. Which is exhausting, but incredibly rewarding when I look back at how far I've come.
Some days, things just take way too much of my energy
I look up and the whole room's spinning
You take my cares away
I can so overcomplicate, people tell me to medicate
Feel my blood runnin', swear the sky's fallin'
How do I know if this shit's fabricated?
Time goes by and I can't control my mind
Don't know what else to try, but you tell me every time
Just keep breathin' and breathin' and breathin' and breathin'
And oh, I gotta keep, keep on breathin'
Just keep breathin' and breathin' and breathin' and breathin'
And oh, I gotta keep, keep on breathin'
Lately, I've been having these moments of soul-wrenching pain. And by pain, I mean mental anguish...but I also feel it in my heart as well. But it's fine - they last 5 to 10 minutes at most. They might go away eventually....or I might keep having them until I die. I've accepted this - I have a sinking feeling that it's the latter, but I'll keep hoping. Anyway, I have this ridiculous theory that tears make your eyelashes grow longer so, really, weeping for no good reason (or for reasons that cannot be fully articulated or even understood) is an integral part of my beauty routine. As I said, these moments are temporary and the way to get through them is to stop. Keep breathing. And remember everything I have to be grateful and happy for. I'm a different person than I was a year ago. Despite all my failures and faults this year, I've become a better version of myself. And isn't that the purpose of a resolution? To make a conscious decision to better than you were before? Well, I'm going to take a page out of Neil Gaiman's book and make some new mistakes next year. Some really good, imaginative, spectacular mistakes. Because I'm still trying, damn it, and that's all anyone can expect from me. I'm putting in the effort, I'm putting in the work.
Some notes on the song - As you might've been able to guess, "breathin" is about Ariana Grande's struggle with anxiety, which got considerably worse (understandably) after the Manchester Bombing. Grande was diagnosed with PTSD shortly after a suicide bomber killed 23 people leaving one of her concerts. She has been very open about the feelings of guilt and pain and grief that she's experienced after this event. Unfortunately, this has led to quite a bit of public scrutiny. I think it's important to remember that we can't really judge other people's experiences or how they deal with them. It's not easy to tell when someone is struggling with anxiety or PTSD or depression - some people are more adept at hiding mental illness because they feel like they have to. On the flip side, society has this idea that mental illness should be obvious - that you should be breaking down in tears if you're really feeling sad. But really, the most common signs of these illnesses are being withdrawn and exhausted all the time, which seems to be the American Millennial's red badge of courage. However, this seems to be changing. Taking time for yourself is not selfish, but essential in order to be able to contribute your best to the world. There's a number of women younger than me (all around 23-27) that I really admire because it seems they've figured out things (like the aforementioned truisms) that took me three decades to even begin to learn. I wish I had understood when I was in my 20s, but there's a lesson in that, too. It's never too late.
Happy New Year, my friends! I hope your 2019 is everything you imagine it will be!
This is a good song to listen to on those days when you don't want to do much. When your bones and blood and brains just refuse to move. The days when inspiration won't come. I've learned that those are the days you have to work the hardest. Be warned - I feel a major rant coming on and it's a doozy.
I love writing. And I kind of hate writing. I love writing when it comes easily, when my word wizardry knows no bounds and plots just form themselves. When the infinite ideas in my head flow easily from my fingertips and characters are more real than actual people. That feels amazing! Unfortunately, for every day where that happens, there's at least one day when my mind goes blank. When all the dialogue I write feels contrived, when every story I think of seems like something I read somewhere else or saw in a movie. Days when I find myself staring at an empty Word document, screaming at myself, "What are you doing?! You have absolutely no talent, why even fucking try?" Yeah, the things our brains tell us are something else. Brains remember all the cruelest things that people ever said to us, tell us we're all the worst things we can imagine. Brains show us exactly where all the lines we shouldn't cross are and then make us fear what will happen if we try to cross them. Brains tell us to be afraid of being who we are, because everyone is sure to hate that person. It took me a long time to learn that a lot of this is bullshit, mostly because I had someone else (someone I was supposed to trust and who I thought loved me) telling me all that same stuff.
I've been reading a lot of shit about being your "authentic" self. You can comb that stuff for days but one thing is for certain - you can't be authentic if you're stuck in you're head. And I don't mean stuck in your head with daydreams and fantasies (most of these hippie-dippie sites agree that daydreaming is good for you), I mean stuck in your head with the anxiety and the negativity and the mean stuff. Yes, that stuff might still be in there (in fact - just from my own experience - I guarantee it will be for a while), but you can't let it take over. You can't let it own you. You have to be stronger than it. So how do you do this? Well, you cast a Patronus charm. Duh! You knew I'd find my way back to Harry Potter, so don't act surprised.
But seriously, the foundation of a Patronus is happy thoughts and the pure, unadulterated will to overcome fear with light. However, that's a whole lot harder than it sounds, because science has proved we are hardwired to remember bad memories over good. It's a survival thing - good things aren't a threat so why bother remembering them? Meanwhile, forgetting that fire is hot or that those berries made you sick could kill you. Objectively, that is more important. But, if you can humor me for a moment, consider that awful thing your brain is telling you, then choose a memory that makes you happy. Something that helps you remember that the awful things aren't true. I, personally, feel that happiness where my heart is. I don't know how to describe it, exactly, but it's a sort of pleasant heaviness. There's also a gentle knowing feeling, like I know what's true and that's all I need to succeed. Coincidentally, it's the same feeling I associate with Love or Faith. If you can hold onto that feeling for a little bit, it'll get you through whatever you need to do. I'm not saying you won't need therapy or medicine - some people do and that's okay. But, if it ever gets to a point where you need a little extra help, a Patronus charm can take you a few steps farther than you otherwise would have.
Back to what I was ranting about....What do I remember when it's too hard to write? I think of the paper I wrote on mitosis in 8th grade and about how, when my science teacher gave it back to me, she grabbed my hand and said, "You should be a writer. You're too talented not to be." That's what's real. None of the other stuff.
It doesn’t matter if the world has gone mad
If we just hold on, if we just hold on yeah
The sky is falling and the world has gone mad
And we sing our songs, and we just hold on yeah
So if you’re running, stop running
One life, one chance, start living
Sing it louder just to let the world know
No, we’re not nameless, we’re not faceless
We were born for greatness
I really like the chorus to "Born for Greatness," especially the first couple of lines. I don't know - it just kind of feel like the world has gone mad, sometimes. But I feel balance coming - maybe we can't see it, but it's coming. Perhaps it's more of a tipping point, really. The last couple of years have felt really sludgy to me lately for some reason. Yes, I believe that was the right word to describe it. I think it's easy to let the darkness consume us, sometimes - heck, maybe we even want it to, because it feels familiar, because it's all we've known for a long time. But the light feels good, too. There's two beliefs that keep me going most days - we're all interconnected and everything happens in cycles. Remembering we're interconnected keeps me from giving into my worst instincts and being cruel to people, because any harm I do to them ultimately reflects back to me. And remembering that everything happens in cycles keeps me from being sad when something ends, because there's a new beginning around the corner. I guess that's just believing in balance, just phrasing it in two different ways. And that's what our highest self wants to understand - there can be no pleasure without pain, no happiness without sadness, no light without the shadows.
This song reminds me of myself. If you met me, you'd assume I'm a "good girl." I've been called a "goody two-shoes" and a "legal beagle" a lot in my life because I have a tendency to point out the rules. My dad has suggested several times that I should've been a lawyer. I probably would've been a good one because - here's the thing - you can't break the rules if you don't know what they are. And it's easier to get away with being bad when you look like an angel. 😈
Yep. I was actually a pretty bad kid when I was in high school and in college. Getting straight As wasn't a big deal for me. I didn't do my homework most of the time because I thought it was a waste of my time. Which it was - I'd ace tests all the time with zero studying. The only thing homework ever did for me is cut into my anime time. True story: My sophomore year of school, I had a geometry teacher who would walk around the classroom and check that we did the homework. So I would do enough questions in the 10 minutes before class to fill the top half of my paper and then cover up the bottom half of the page to hide that I didn't actually do the assignment. By the time I had started doing that in the third week of school, I had cemented my place as the top student in class so my teacher never thoroughly checked my work - she just assumed I did it and moved onto the next person. Which is how I became friends with Carlos, who was super cool and played guitar. He was impressed my ingenuity and deviousness.
I wish I could say that this was the worst of my bad behavior but I'd be lying. I have way too many of these stories. For example, one night, I told my mom I was going over to Rae's house to watch movies but we actually went to this dive bar called The Peanut Gallery. It was as dirty as you're imagining. We were supposed to be meeting this 22-year-old she was talking to on the Internet but she decided against introducing herself when she saw him. Instead, we watched the screamo band that was playing and our other friend, Jen, got the lead singer's phone number. Could we have died that night? Possibly. I do not recommend going to meet strangers you only talk to on the Internet. Luckily, the guy had no idea what Rae looked like, so we could play dumb. I ended up breaking up with that guy over instant messenger for Rae. Because, apparently, I'm good at breaking up with people when I'm not one of the people involved. She had me break up with a few people, actually. In my defense, though, I would also deliver her "I like you" notes when she was too chicken to do it herself. In fact, I jumped off a 6-foot-wall once delivering one - I landed on my feet and then promptly fell onto the gravel and cut up my hands pretty bad.
She's a good girl
She's Daddy's favorite
He's saved for Harvard
He know she'll make it
She's good at school
She's never truant
She can speak French
I think she's fluent
'Cause every night she studies hard in her room
At least that's what her parents assume
But she sneaks out the window to meet with her boyfriend
Here's what she told me the time that I caught 'em
She said to me:
"Forget what you thought
'Cause good girls are bad girls that haven't been caught
So just turn around and forget what you saw
'Cause good girls are bad girls that haven't been caught"
I do stupid stuff, sometimes, did I mention that? This is a common problem with Gryffindors - we follow our hearts and not our heads. We have a strong sense of right and wrong - and firmly believe that, sometimes you have to break the rules to do what feels right. Good people don't necessarily have good histories and a squeaky clean reputation doesn't always mean that a person has good intentions. The boundaries that society builds for us aren't always the right ones. Unfortunately, those are the hardest to break away from. I was thinking about Hermione this morning. I feel that she was the most Gryffindor out of the trio. I know there are some people (*cough*Ravenclaws*cough*) that disagree but hear me out! She didn't believe knowledge was the end-all-be-all for life - she believed that knowledge was a tool to make the world better for everybody. It really pissed me off that they cut out the SPEW plotline. I understand that, in the grand scheme of things, that plotline was probably not very important but it was essential for understanding why Hermione is a Gryffindor and not a Ravenclaw. Because she saw what she felt was an injustice and she took action. And she stood up for what she believed in, even though her friends thought she was crazy, even though the wider Wizard society thought the status quo was just fine. I think people ignore this because we all love Hermione so much but....the bitch did some stupid shit without putting much critical thought into it. Think about it - she was the one who was like "Hey, I stole a bunch of ingredients to make a complicated potion that we're going to brew in the girls bathroom in broad daylight and - oh, by the way - it's all so we can ask Malfoy one question." Hermione is the only one who actually punched Malfoy in the face. And, let's not forget - she's the one who suggested starting the illegal Fight Club that evolved into Dumbledore's Army. Girl is a troublemaker....and that's why I love her. It takes courage to follow your heart and take actions that seem unconventional or ill-planned, even if the chances of failure are high. Fuck it. Especially if the chance of failure is high. Those are the type of people who move the story forward.
Anyway, I know I got hella ranty today. Sorry. I'm in a mood today - just annoyed at myself, I guess. Or psyching myself up to do something stupid. Or just talking to myself because it makes me feel better to get my thoughts down instead of keeping them bottled up. Even when it seems like I'm going crazy, sometimes, but - after proofreading the above rant - all my thoughts seem coherent and reasonably well-conveyed so I think we're good.
This song was released in May and, finally, it's circulating the airwaves in a big way. I woke up this morning with this song stuck in my head. As someone who survives on hope (for the most part), its like this song showed up just in time. The Universe speaking to me through song, like always. More on that later this weekend. We are going to talk a little bit about magic today - specifically, we're going to talk about manifestation. It's tricky magic, but I'm pretty sure I've seen it work. And hope is the fuel, my friends, so let's jump down the rabbit hole.
I've been reading a lot about manifestation lately. Only kind of on purpose, though. I've been on this "following my intuition" kick, which includes jumping in when certain topics keep showing up in random places. Like in book recommendations or on podcasts I listen to. You know....following the signs. Because - pro tip! - the Universe fucking hates it when you don't follow the signs. As I said, from what I've been reading, it's tricky magic. Because you can want something too much, which just fucks everything up. Mama said, "Don't give up....it's a little complicated." It is complicated because you have to fundamentally understand the philosophical concept of non-attachment. When you want something too much, you start attaching expectations to it - how the outcome will look, how it will happen, when it should happen. When things don't go the way we expect them to, we start to get upset and negative and give up on it. Because if it doesn't look the way we want, it's not going to happen - and with that attitude, it won't. If you have a rigid plan for what you want, you close yourself off to the possibilities, which kills the magic.
Based on my research, I've identified some key things for manifestation magic:
1. Be specific - you have to know exactly what you want your end result to be. You can't have a muddled, half-baked idea of what you want to achieve. You can't want "everything" because not everything is going to be possible at the same time. You have to have a vision. And you can't be lukewarm and ambivalent about it, either. If you want something, you have to want it with your whole heart. This is what they're talking about when they mention your True Will.
2. Believe- This is by far the hardest part and where everybody (including myself) usually fucks up. Because to doubt is human. However, for manifestation to work, you have to develop an unshakable faith that what you want is on the way. No matter what obstacles show up along the path, no matter how things look from the outside, you have to know deep in your soul that it can and will happen. Even if your current circumstances make it seem like this deep desire is impossible now, you have to keep believing that things can change. Don't give up. Maybe this sounds like delusion, but the world was built on delusions. That's a limiting idea and I'm over it.
3. Take inspired action - Remember those signs I told you about earlier? Follow them. If something in your gut is telling you take an opportunity or try something new, take the leap of faith. Even if it seems like a detour from what you think will get you to the end goal, it's not - the Universe works in mysterious ways. And I feel like a say it a lot but.....you gotta do the work. You want to be a writer? Write every day, even if it sucks, even if no one reads it. You want to be a dancer? Go to dance class. You want to be a rockstar? You gotta put yourself out there. Everyone wants these big dreams to happen with the least amount of effort but if you don't put in the effort, you don't want it that much. That's just a fact. So if you want something, put in the work. No one is going to do it for you.
So yeah, build a "vision board," visualize, meditate, pray, do spellcraft, or whatever. This helps build and sustain the "believe" part I was talking about. But when you're done with all that, let go of what you're expecting and be ready to accept what shows up along the journey.
Had to have high, high hopes for a living
Shooting for the stars when I couldn't make a killing
Didn't have a dime but I always had a vision
Always had high, high hopes
Had to have high, high hopes for a living
Didn't know how but I always had a feeling
I was gonna be that one in a million
Always had high, high hopes (High, high hopes)
As you can see, the chorus for "High Hopes" follows the above guidelines. Brendon Urie said the lyrics were about the dream he had as a kid and the weird journey he ended up on that ultimately led to his dream coming true. Obviously, it's Panic! at the Disco, so the song is super high energy. A good song to listen to when doubt comes trickling in. Anyway, I know this post was a little rant-y but I hope it was informative.
I heard this song on the radio a couple weeks ago and instantly fell in love with it. It was released last year but it only recently hit the radio here in SA. I don't know why - I thought living in a big(ger) city would give me more insight into new stuff coming out but apparently, living in TX doesn't make me as cool as living in L.A. or NYC would. Even during my visit to Colorado Springs, I heard shit that still hasn't made it here or I only recently started hearing on the radio. I know....lame. But that's why the internet exists, right? Music and porn.
I find this song really romantic, albeit in an uber Millennial way. "The way that Gucci look on you...Amazing! But nothing can compare to when you're naked." Well, I appreciate the honesty. Personally, I actually do think I look better naked (for a lot of girls, it's the opposite) so a guy who agrees would go right to the top of the Favorites List. I also like that it's a duet - I love collaborations and it seems like that's the big thing nowadays. Camila Cabello has been one of my favorites this year - she has another song I have queued up for this month - but every single that she's put out so far has caught my attention in some way or another. I'd also like to say that Hispanic girls are kinda having a moment (at least as far as music goes) and I'm super happy to be here for that.
Oh my God, where did the time go?
I wish the hours would go slow
How is it 6 AM?
Your touch is heaven-sent
Beautiful, beautiful sight right now
Beautiful, beautiful life right now
Got the angels singing ooh-ah right now like, ooh-ah
And this is why we’ve got to touch (ah)
Sometimes words are not enough (no)
Painted in your golden kiss, honey dripping from your lips
I thank God and my lucky stars
Darling, don't you know what you are?
Yeah, baby, you are
There's not much to say about this song. It's pretty obvious what it's about. Two people are in love and they're just happy to be around each other. So much so that they wish time would slow down. And they love everything about each other, even the not-so-great stuff (love your imperfections, every hang up). Yep, pretty sappy shit. I don't know how I find all this cheesy stuff - I swear, it finds me sometimes. That's just who I am, I guess. True story: I've written more love letters than I'd care to admit....I've even actually given them to the people they were intended for. That doesn't always work out so great but - hey - at least I know I'm brave enough to be honest about it. I wrote a letter to "The Muse" once (fortunately, he's not that anymore - I should really come up with a different pseudonym for him if I refer to him again). I wonder what he did with it - that was some pretty good fucking writing, if I remember correctly. Probably tossed it. Ah well....what can you do? It was a learning moment in my life and, now, I can look back on it and smile at my young heart. Poor thing....it must still be pretty young, especially if it still loves mushy love songs and romantic comedies.
I didn't realize the song had an official video but - OMFG! - it's just as ridiculously schmaltzy as I was hoping. They recreate the Romeo + Juliet Fish Tank Scene!! This is not a drill! Also, I've been seeing that costume idea a lot, so I think the Universe is telling me I need to be an angel for Halloween next year (just kidding - I just decided that's what I want to do so I'm gonna do it). Not a slutty angel, though - like one of those angels where you can tell the girl just put on a white dress, glitter and some angel wings, and called it good. You know - a lazy angel. Video below - enjoy!
"You're a natural." I can't tell you how many times someone has told me that. I was thinking about that other day - the things I believe I'm good at, someone told me I was good at them and magically, I was. Singing. Acting. Writing. Math. A lot of things. And I wonder sometimes - was I actually naturally good at these things or did someone just say something encouraging and I rose to meet their expectations? Which has got me thinking - Can you believe yourself into being successful at something? Research says......yes! You absolutely can! And I know on some level, people understand this because they encourage their children and other people, but we don't really do this for ourselves. In fact, we do the opposite. We tell ourselves we're not good enough, that we're wasting our time, that other people are better and we couldn't possibly measure up. I'm starting to realize that's just a really convenient excuse not to do the work. That's what it comes down to - you got to do the work. Physically and psychologically, you just got to do it or else nothing happens.
I've been reading a lot of books/articles about writing and writer's processes. Especially for my favorite authors. One of the most recommended books for beginning writers to read is "On Writing" by Steven King. From the very beginning - like when he was a kid - King told himself "this is what I want to do" and it was irrelevant if he sucked, because that's what he wanted to do. At some point, all the "great" artists had a shitty (or not so shitty) day job or some other obstacle that they had to overcome, while simultaneously writing their masterpieces. And - at some point - they all had a period where they felt like they couldn't do it anymore. Like, what's the point? Why am I bothering? During these periods, they might have succumbed to the all too human call of doubt and depression - some of them turned to addiction, lethargy or some other form of self-destruction. But, at some point in this darkness, they make the choice to start again. And that's when the magic happens.
I'm starting to realize I don't really know how things work. Do limitless possibilities really exist? How do we get from one place to another? Can seemingly impossible, immovable things be changed? If so, then how? I don't know. But I want to. Desperately. And, sometimes, I get a glimpse of understanding about what I need to do to make things happen, to change direction. When I look back on my life, it doesn't make any sense how I got here. However, I am starting to really understand one thing about myself. I am water. I make my own path. And god damn right I'm a Natural, at everything and anything I want to be a Natural at.
Will somebody
Let me see the light within the dark trees' shadows and
What's happenin'?
Lookin' through the glass find the wrong within the past knowin'
We are the youth
Cut until it bleeds, inside a world without the peace facing
A bit of the truth, the truth
Side tangent on a somewhat related note - this song reminds me of The Caster Chronicles (i.e., the book series that starts with "Beautiful Creatures"). I liked this book series because it was a paranormal romance but the main POV was the non-magical boy who falls in love with a magical girl. It was interesting, because it's usually the reverse - most paranormal romances have the girl as the main character. Anyway, in the books, Casters (which is what they call Witches in this book universe) usually only have one or two very specific powers. However, Lena Duchannes (the magical girl in question) is what they call a Natural - a Caster with amplified powers who can do pretty much anything with their powers. They don't have limits, except the ones they put on themselves. They are virtually omnipotent, which makes sense because their powers are almost god-like.
I mention this because the video for "Natural" has some occult influences. Or maybe they were just trying to be spooky. It was shot in an antebellum mansion and features mysterious people in either black or white. There's other symbolism - like the three crows, the moon in the background, the light bulb turning on but not fully illuminating anything. During the course of the video, we see a girl (a witch?) go through a sort of initiatory rite of ego death and rebirth - both a personal one (in the bathtub) and a public one (being buried). In a lot of secret societies, there's usually an initiation that mimics death and rebirth. For example, in the Skull & Bones, new recruits are placed in coffins at the start. In other groups, people are locked in a dark room or their heads are covered with black veils so that they can't see. Even in Christianity, baptism is just a simulation of rebirth. This is an important theme to humanity it seems - that you have to die, walk through the Underworld, and be reborn. It's bad enough we have to do that shit every lifetime, now we have to pretend to do it in real life? That shit's exhausting, folks. But it's important - we see a similar ritual in pretty much all cultures, historical and modern. It marks transformation and afterwards, you can't go back to being the same person you were. That person is dead.
I'm exhausted. Obviously, I've been thinking too much. Always thinking. Always in my head. At least it's a pretty fucking interesting place to be - well, I think so anyway. Final thought - this song makes me feel like I could burn down the world and then walk through the fire. Scary as that sounds, it's a good feeling. Video is below. Enjoy!
