The Apotheosis of Jessica ("I Am Not A Woman, I'm A God" by Halsey)

If you can believe it (and I'm sure you can), I began writing this post around my birthday. I know. I'm terrible. One of my New Year's resolutions was to write at least 50 blog posts this year and I'm already on a bad trajectory. I know it's possible - there are years where I've put in well over a hundred posts on this blog. Recent years, too! I've just not felt up to it for various reasons. Perfectionism being one, fear of being seen being another, and lack of motivation trumping both of those other two most of the time. I've decided this is the year of Authenticity - telling it like it is, becoming okay with imperfection, and expressing myself in spite of who it might upset. In astrological terms, this is kind of a big year for me, too. It's a first house profection year, which usually means that everything is subject to change, even if it's just tiny things. And this first 6 months - as you may have noticed from my December posts - have started out with some massive changes within my family, career, and home life. To be honest, I'm a little exhausted.

Every day I've got a smile where my frown goes

A couple bodies in the garden where the grass grows

I take 'em with me to the grave in a suitcase

Maybe I could be a different human in a new place

This year, I chose "I am Not a Woman, I'm a God" as the energy I wanted to embody going into my fourth tour through the zodiac (for those who are following, I turned 36 and my natal chart starts in Gemini). I intended to be un-fuck-withable. In the honor of full disclosure, mistakes were made in those first couple months. There was a brief return to unsatisfying situations and behaviors, there was a bit of delulu wishful thinking on my part. It took me an embarrassing amount of time to course correct. I may have gone into a depressive rabbit hole for a minute before returning to my baseline of being pretty much unstoppable when I want to be. It is what it is. At the start of 2024, I am under no illusion that this upcoming year is going to be easy....but it could be good for me. I'm starting off strong - I've shown that I really did deserve a promotion and I'm looking forward to a decent compensation adjustment. We're fully moved into our new house. And I've upped my pole training to 3X a week and added some mobility/flexibility training on top of it, so I can reach my pole goals. I have a lot to work toward and a lot to look forward to in 2024, and the brief detours in 2023 served as reminders of who I want to be and what I must let go of to get there.

Just a brief look at what's coming up in my solar return chart - Jupiter, planet of luck and optimism, will be entering Gemini in 2024. Super good for me and my fellow Gemini risings. Pluto is entering Aquarius, which rules my 9H - this year begins my Pluto square (natal Pluto in Scorpio). Over the next 20 years, I'm hoping that I'll get a boost to achieve my writing dreams (9H rules over publishing, among other things, and my Midheaven also lives there as well). During this year, the nodes are on the Aries-Libra axis, with the North Node being in Aries and the South Node being in Libra. This is my natal node placement and my nodes are placed in the more joyful house - the 11H and 5H, so definitely some changes in my community, friendships, creative pursuits, and romantic ventures. Mercury is retrograding in fire signs, so I imagine how I express myself with others is going to get a little spicy as well - fire signs fall in my 3H, 7H, and 11H, all of which have influence over some level of interpersonal relationships. As I said, this should be an interesting year - not just for me but for all of us - in a decade of interesting years.

Oh

I just wanna feel something, tell me where to go

'Cause everybody knows something I don't wanna know

So I'll stay right here 'cause I'm better all alone

Yeah, I'm better all alone

Let's talk about Halsey and "I am not a woman, I'm a God." This song comes from her most recent album, aptly named "If I Can't Have Love, I Want Power." It's a fair trade off, especially when the choice is mostly out of your hands. It's one many women make. If I can't have love, I want power. Or wealth. Or fame. Or beauty. Or even more simply... security. What I find myself asking this year is.....why can't I have it all? I'm finding myself (and I see this in the collective culture, too) wanting to transition from an EITHER/OR mindset to a BOTH/AND framework. You can love the work you do AND want to take a vacation once in a while. You can want to be seen and put your art out there or be a public figure AND deserve a certain level of privacy in your personal life. You can have BOTH an outstanding career AND a fulfilling home life. I think for many people - myself included - we felt forced to make a choice between things that didn't actually have to be a choice....we just assumed it was because that's what we were conditioned to believe.

I'm reminded of the story of Persephone, whose name I adopted as my pole persona. In the story, she is kidnapped and taken down to the Underworld to be Hades Queen and Consort. Demeter petitioned Zeus and he decreed Persephone could return as long as she hadn't eaten the food of the Dead. But she did....she ate six pomegranate seeds and, thus, Zeus negotiated that she would spend 6 months of the year in the Underworld and 6 months with her mother in the Upper Realms. There are many tellings of this story - that she was forced to eat or she was so hungry that she needed to eat something and she thought the seeds were harmless. But I believe she made an intentional choice to eat those six arils. Persephone was a goddess in her own right before she was taken - she knew the rules and she ate the pomegranate anyway. As Demeter's daughter and the Goddess of Spring, she only knew one life - a life of safety and abundance, but ultimately, one under her mother's control. In the Underworld, she got a taste of power and freedom. She was seen as her own person and was worshipped like a Queen by both her husband and all the Beloved Dead in his kingdom. Persephone wanted both - and she figured out a way to make it work.

Every morning, got a hollow where my heart goes

I never listen, but I see you with my eyes closed

I know you, I remember from the grass stain

Maybe I could be a better human with a new name

In the lyrics of "I am not a woman, I'm a god," Halsey ponders the straddle women have to make in life. It's you're typical Madonna/Whore situation - either you are sexy and powerful, and therefore, not "good" in terms of current societal standards; or you do conform to this perfect housewife image and thus, cannot have a fullness of life outside the family unit. I think I've always felt the pressure of this dichotomy growing up, but it has become more apparent since I've become a mother. As a young woman, I was always very comfortable with the more sexual side of the equation (this blog is named "Music Slut," for chrissakes) but once you choose to make that transition to motherhood, I've seen that it does become less acceptable. I've only recently started telling others about my pole journey and a lot of the responses from other women have been, "Oh, you must do that for your husband." And I really don't....I do it because I love the challenge, I love the art form, I love being able to work towards doing some really athletically impressive feats. But even when I try to explain that, they never believe me. And with this kind of attitude, it's easy to fall into ambivalence. Tell me where to go, tell me how to be, I'll make it easy for you because being myself is too hard to understand. 

I am not a woman, I'm a God

I am not a martyr, I'm a problem

I am not a legend, I'm a fraud

So keep your heart, 'cause I already got one

I am not a woman, I'm a God

I am not a martyr, I'm a problem

I am not a legend, I'm a fraud

Keep your heart, 'cause I already

That's what makes this song perfect for my year of Authenticity. I can't please everyone but I can be proud and happy of who I am. It's none of my business what other people think of me. But it is my business to become the person I've always wanted to be. And if someone doesn't like who I am, that's really more of a "them problem." 

"I Am Not A Woman, I'm A God" Video

 

Out with the Old, In with the New ("Anti-Hero" by Taylor Swift)

 For the transition from 2022 to 2023, I've chosen the first single from the "Midnights" album. In my opinion, "Anti-Hero" - much like "Blank Space" from the "1989" album - demonstrates a level of self-awareness that is nearly unheard of in a celebrity of Swift's caliber (or even in normal people....let's face it, we're all stuck in the Matrix). I would expect nothing less of a Scorpio Rising. Taylor Swift is aware of how she is perceived - that any act of kindness she does is performative and she's really just a money-hungry bitch. It's easy to worry about that kind of reputation because she seems like the type of person who would be afraid that - on some level - it's true. I can relate - like Taylor, my Sun is in the 2nd House (House of Financial Assets and Values) and I derive a lot of my self-worth from my income and ability to provide for my family. Some people think this comes off as "money-oriented" and maybe even greedy. However, in my mind, Money is equal to Freedom. Money may not buy happiness, but having financial sovereignty does allow you the freedom to live a life that makes you happy. It also buys Time, which becomes more precious as I grow older. One of the benefits of the company I work at is that they give us half of the federal holidays at the end of the year. So instead of being off for Columbus Day (which is a shit holiday anyway), I've had this entire week between Christmas and New Year's Day to spend with my children. And the great thing is I don't even miss those shitty holidays because a 9/80 work week is standard here, so I usually have two Fridays off a month anyway. I don't need them and yet I still feel like I have a better grasp on work/life balance than during the first 10 years of my career, when I had less responsibilities. And it's one of the reasons why I don't intend to leave this company any time soon - that extra time (that I don't have to use my own PTO for) is worth it.

I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser

Midnights become my afternoons

When my depression works the graveyard shift

All of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room

I love the chorus (I think everyone does, because that's what's used in all the TikToks and IG reels). It's me. Hi. I'm the problem, it's me. It's meant to be kind of sarcastic but it's also an uncomfortable truth we have to face sometimes. If you keep dating the same type of dirtbag or end up in the same toxic situations, eventually you realize that you're making choices based off flawed subconscious beliefs. This is kind of the point of therapy - it forces you to look at your blind spots that result in the choices you make. It's why people don't like therapy. Because if you admit there's something you are doing that is causing your own pain, then you also have to take responsibility for making the change. You can only change once you're self-aware - when you can accurately see yourself in your entirety, not just the parts you want to see. I'm not saying you won't discover good things - a lot of what my therapist did was reflecting back and validating my good traits that I would disregard. You've got to take accountability for all of it, the good and the bad. "Anti-Hero" is primarily about taking accountability for the bad. And when you focus on that, yeah, you kind of start to think, "My God! Why do these people like me? What the fuck is wrong with them?!" Hold on, Batman, let's stare directly into the mirror a little longer. You'll see it, too. Eventually.

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
At tea time, everybody agrees
I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

I guess the main point of this post is that I'm trying to go into 2023 a little more self-aware. That's the goal - to always be a better version of myself. Part of that is recognizing my shadow and integrating it more fully. Admit where I've made mistakes and where I'm still in the learning process, but also recognizing where I've grown. And I've grown a lot this year. As a mother, as a cybersecurity analyst, as a writer, and as a person. I guess this is the point where I go into the "Greatest Hits of 2022," of which, there are many. I started out this year moving to a state I love (Arizona) - it still takes my breath away when the glow of the sunset hits the Catalina Foothills. I reconnected with my best friend from high school, which was wonderful. I went to see My Chemical Romance after two long years of waiting - definitely a bucket list item, especially since we all thought they were disbanded for good. I started this year barely being able to do a Chopper (Invert) on pole and now I'm doing moves that are way more advanced than anything I was doing in 2021.

I read 30 books this year, which is way more than the goal of 12 I set for 2022. Here are a few of my favorites: 

NOTE:  I know 30 books seems like a lot but I know people who have read 100+ books this year. In some cases, reviewing books is their job and, in most cases, they don't have children. Trying not to judge myself by this standard because, honestly, I'm pleasantly surprised and grateful I had time to read anything this year.

1. "The Beautiful Ones" by Silvia Moreno-Garcia
2. "Where the Crawdads Sing" by Delia Owens
3. "The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue" by V.E. Schwab
4. "Kindred" by Octavia Butler
5. Basically anything by Ali Hazelwood

As Spotify will tell you, I listen to a lot of music. However, their Unwrapped playlist for me is frontloaded with the songs I have in my warm-up playlist (good beats and shorter songs), which is always going to get a lot of airplay. Here is a short list of the songs I was actually the most obsessed with this year:

• "Desire" by Meg Myers
• "Lower" by TENDER
• "Tear You Apart" by She Wants Revenge
• "Fire for You" by Cannons
• "Kiss Me More" by Doja Cat, feat. SZA
• "Girls Your Age" by Transviolet
• "Running Up That Hill (A Deal with God)" by Lo Spirit
• "Big Energy" by Latto
• "She" by Harry Styles

And, to start off the year, my current can't get enough of song right now is "Die for You" by The Weekend.

Overall, I'm starting off 2023 much happier than I was at the beginning of 2022, but there's a lot I'd still like to change. For one, reconnecting with my bestie from high school reminded me how much I miss having a close friend. Preferably one that doesn't roll their eyes when I start talking about ghosts and astrology. And, although she's not biologically a mother, she took care of her niece and nephew for the better part of the pandemic so she understands how difficult it is raising kids AND trying to heal from her own lackluster childhood, i.e., where I find myself today. It was nice talking to someone who could relate to my experiences, because I'm finding that a lot of my peers are either too young for kids (Gen Z types) or are childless by choice (which includes my sisters). In addition to that, I find myself missing someone who is no longer in my life anymore in any meaningful way. I'm having a hard time letting things just be how they are. I feel lonely way more than I wish I did, though it gets better when I go to pole class. At least people know me there and I have classmates/instructors that I regularly see and who notice when I'm gone. I'm hoping my network and my friendships will expand in the new year but until then, I'm learning how to be okay alone.

Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby

And I'm a monster on the hill

Too big to hang out, slowly lurching toward your favorite city

Pierced through the heart, but never killed

Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism

Like some kind of congressman? (Tale as old as time)

I wake up screaming from dreaming

One day I'll watch as you're leaving

And life will lose all its meaning

(For the last time)

After listening to several astrology podcasts and predictions for 2023, I've decided that the theme for 2023 is Aligning to the Vision. For me, this means focusing a lot more on writing, specifically on finishing projects and improving on them. A little less ranting about T-Swift, a little more poetry and prose. I'm also dead set on getting to Level 3 at my pole studio. For context, most people quit pole before they even graduate Level 1. Level 2 is when you start focusing more on strength moves and it's gets really hard if you're not naturally strong....and it's considerably more dangerous, because you start flipping upside down and doing more stuff aerially (i.e., higher up on the pole). Given how much progress I've made so far, I think reaching Level 3 before my next birthday is a real possibility. 

Let's roll up this post (and this year) with the "Anti-Hero" video. T-Swift is haunted by the worst version of herself, as well as her mistakes and insecurities. But she's actively trying to make peace with them. She gets to attend her funeral and watch her children fight over her fortune (perhaps implying that she fully intends to make little Swifties once she and Joe Alwyn get married). Just like all her other videos, it's iconic and visionary, in a way only Taylor Swift could create.

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
It's me, hi, everybody agrees, everybody agrees

Happy New Year! Welcome to 2023.

"Anti-Hero" Video

"How Bizarre" by OMC (Happy New Year's Eve!)

2020, my friend, it's been a ride.

I had this thought at the beginning of December and felt it was the right way to start this post. And, logically, my next thought was I needed the perfect song to commemorate the end of this historically fucked up year. Since I had a month to think about it, I didn't worry too much about it. But later that morning, I was commenting to my coworker about how backwards our processes are now. I had to call attention to the irony that, prior to this year, you needed a doctor's note to be out sick and now, we need a doctor's note to come back to work. All of a sudden, this song popped into my head. And, as all divinely inspired things are, it was perfect.

Destination unknown, as we pull in for some gas

Freshly pasted poster reveals a smile from the past

Here's the thing - my ability to see the humor in the absurdity of this shared delusion we call reality is probably the main reason I'm alive today. I thank the Universe every day that I have Saturn in Sagittarius because if I had been born a half year earlier (Saturn in Scorpio) or a few years later (Saturn in Capricorn), I don't know what I'd do with myself. Our Saturn in Scorpio friends are crying and listening to the Smiths on repeat while the Saturn in Capricorn guys are counting their pennies and being angry things aren't working out. Meanwhile, us Saturn in Sagittarius folks are sandwiched in the middle, saying "Man, this sucks - but God is a DJ, Life is the dance floor, Love is the rhythm, You are the music." And if you don't get that, you clearly don't have any Sag placements. And yes, those are song lyrics. True story: While writing this, I was like "before I publish that, I should check if Pink even has any Sag placements." And - wouldn't you know it? - she's a Sagittarius Rising. It's the little things that make me think I may actually know what I'm fucking talking about sometimes.

Wonder Girl, in her analysis of this week's Full Moon in Cancer, said something that struck me as applicable to this entire year with the thugs in Capricorn. All signs have good and bad, and it's how you choose to use the energy that matters. When Capricorn is at its worst, it can be entirely focused (even obsessed) with appearances. All the blood, meat, and bones underneath could be rotting but as long as it looks good on the outside, Capricorn doesn't give a shit. It's like getting a facelift when your body is riddled with cancer. Or, for an example from the US headlines, the stock market is at an all time high but our economic fundamentals are worse than the Great Depression. Or that as much as 50% of COVID cases are asymptomatic so you have tons of people walking about with a highly contagious disease but they don't "look sick." I could pull even more examples from recent US history where we did things that seemed good at face-value but had devastating consequences (I'm looking at you '94 Crime Bill). And just so y'all don't think I'm dragging Capricorn, I'll rag on my own sign as its foil - Cancer has a tendency to make things too deep and see things that aren't there, to the point where it's delusional (Guilty!) and results in taking actions that look insane from the outside (like, say, telling your followers to not trust the election results if you don't win....yes, Trump has a few Cancer placements). Just underscoring that we need to find balance because extremes are destructive - both the inside and the outside need to be healthy for an organism/society to function. It ain't that deep...but it ain't that shallow either.

We're making moves and starting grooves before they knew we were gone

Jumped into the Chevy and headed for big lights

Wanna know the rest? Hey, buy the rights...

Regardless of how you feel about 2020, it has been an interesting year to be alive in. This year has been one for the history books in more ways than we know. And, assuming we all live through tonight, when you're old, you know you're going to be telling "I lived through 2020" stories. It almost makes all the bullshit worth it. What did I tell you about Jupiter in Capricorn last year? "The luck is more in seeing the lesson for what it is, not that you'll get anything tangible out of the experiences you have." This year may have sucked but - if you were doin' it right - you grew as a fucking person. And that's the only surefire way to know if a year was good or not - Did I grow as a person? I don't know about you, but by that measuring stick, 2020 was fucking great year for me. And I'm prepared to finish out the rest of my 8 year (the Year of Inner Strength) with grace, enthusiasm, and just a touch of gallows humor. With that, let's sum up some of the chaos of 2020.

Music: Holy shit, did 2020 turn out some great music! It seems like everyone from Anti-Flag to Zebra Katz (yes, I went through the whole list to find an artist that started with Z) released an album. Even some dead folks released albums (RIP Mac Miller). Over a thousand (approximately 1036) albums were released over the course of 2020 - and those are just albums with notable coverage! By comparison, 2019 had 743 notable album releases and 2018 only had 443. I can't go through every album that was released but it's an impressive list. Classic 80s and 90s bands, like Green Day and the Pet Shop Boys had new work. Pop heavyweights like Ariana Grande and Meghan Trainor dropped some good shit. There was literally every kind of musical assistance available to get everyone through this year. As I mentioned, Taylor Swift released two albums that comprise easily her best work. She plays a lute on the album version of "Willow" - The Bitch plays a Fucking Lute!!! She's also very openly embracing the witch label - all of her "Willow" remixes have names like "dancing witch version" or "lonely witch version," as well as her increasing use in recent years of witchy themes/aesthetics for her lyrics and videos. And I'm so here for it - you do you, Taylor. (Please note I use the term "bitch" with the fondest endearment, because I personally take that word as a compliment.) And Dave Grohl had a legit drumming battle/rivalry with an amazing little English girl. This may be the musical revolution we were all hoping for but hadn't come to fruition until now. 

The Election: Trump will probably be considered one of the worst presidents in history - a title he worked hard for and has earned. But, in my mind, he does have one success that no other president in recent history can claim. He made the American people actually give a shit. This year was the highest voter turnout (by percentage of the eligible voting population) in over 120 years! People voted, even with the risk of potentially dying looming over them. It's almost a miracle. No - it is a miracle. Not that people voted him out (personally, I was expecting 4 more years, even with the pandemic) but getting people to stop being so apathetic about the outcomes of their choices and how they affect others. How people started grasping that personal choices in the present affect the future in real ways. It's all very Aquarian, if I may point it out. While I was somewhat relieved Biden won, I'm concerned we'll become complacent again and nothing truly will be repaired. But the only thing I can control is myself and I intend to be just as critical with Biden's choices as I was with Trump. 

COVID-19: The pandemic has changed how we function in society on so many levels and will probably continue to change our lives for years to come. It has altered how we stay connected when being physically together is not an option. It has uncovered the cracks in our approach to healthcare. It has given us an entirely new perspective on how to balance the work-life equation. For many people, it has forced them to take an honest look at their closest relationships. For others, it has taught them who they are when they have no other choice than to be alone. Not all of these have been happy or easy lessons, but they are necessary for progress. And of course, many of us have lost loved ones or know people who have lost loved ones to the virus. Those deaths are painful to deal with and, in my opinion, most were not necessary at all. We're going to look back at the handling of the pandemic for years, shaking our heads and saying "mistakes were made." But the important thing is that we commit to not making those mistakes again.

Personal Growth: Rather than doom scrolling this year, a lot of people decided to use their time stuck at home to work on themselves. People took classes, tried out new hobbies they've never had time for, read books that were gathering dust on the shelves, and spent a lot of time on projects that weren't necessarily income-generating. Some people realized how social they really were and learned how to reach out for connection. Others learned how to enjoy their alone time. I have this theory (it's one most psychologists and therapists share) that if you work on yourself, other things - relationships, careers, projects, society as a whole - start to get better. And if things aren't getting better in a certain area as you focus more on your own self-actualization, it's probably because a major change needs to occur in that area. Yes, I do apply this to my own major depressive episode. I thought I was doing all the work but I got to a point where I couldn't do it by myself. That was my thing - vacillating between codependence and extreme independence. I'm learning how to be interdependent, which has me doing really brave things, like fully trusting people to handle their responsibilities, being vulnerable about how I feel, and actively asking for connection instead of assuming it will come to me. Doesn't sound very scary? Fucking try it first and then get back to me.

Spirituality: Finally, the last thing I'll mention is that witchcraft and New Age practices like tarot, astrology, and numerology, have never been as widely accepted as they are now. Every day, I see more and more baby witches, sorcerers, heathens, pagans, etc. openly embrace the call for a different way of understanding the world. A way that weaves together the mystical and mundane, the scientific and the spiritual. It's something I always wanted to see when I was a naïve yet already spiritually jaded teenager. The amount of validation I feel is palpable. It took nearly 20 years for me to see it in my lifetime but it's so worth it. More books on the occult and esoteric come out every day and I wish I could buy every one of them. But I should probably read the ones I already have (which takes up two shelves in my book case). It's one of the things I'm grateful for as we move into the New Year.

A few posts ago, I mentioned I had a deep desire to "find the others," to quote Gordon White. If you're reading this, I'm pretty sure you're the Others. Lucky you.

As I've mentioned, I've created a "Party Like It's the End of the World" mix - it's a work in progress but I'm sharing it anyway. Happy New Year!

"How Bizarre" Video

New Year, New Project

As I've been hinting at for the past couple of months, I've been itching to take this blog in a different direction. The theme format has been working for the past year and a half and I've taken a lot of great lessons from working with it. I've learned how to focus in on patterns, broadened my knowledge of lesser known musical genres, and generally have had a lot of fun ranting on the various topics explored. My new project, in a way, is a natural evolution of that. Before I get into it though, I did want to go over the success (as I define it) of the past year. My goal was to write more and I have accomplished that. Prior to December, I was hitting an average of 10 posts a month, or roughly 2 a week, which I believe is a very sustainable rhythm to be retained this year (in fact, in order for my new project to really work, I need to try to hit that average again). During December, I didn't quite hit my goal of writing a post every day, but I did hit 21 posts in a month. This is a personal record for me and is pretty good considering how busy I was during December. Overall, my writing style has evolved considerably. The goal is always to develop and become more confident in my own voice and I think I've moved the goal posts a fair distance in that respect.

Now, for the project. I intend to write and research the 100 Greatest Albums of All Time. There are many lists that recount and rank all the albums, so to keep it simple, I'm using Rolling Stone's list. Say what you will about them regarding their current direction as a publication, but Rolling Stone has been the standard for music writing since the '60s and that's something to be respected. I considered going in order from 100 to 1 but, that's really not my style and it's not really important for the goal of this project, so the album choice will vary in ranking from week to week. My goal for this project is to expand my musical knowledge in a more structured way. Each album has been shaped by events on both the micro-and-macro levels. I plan to research what was happening at the time of the album's development and release in the artists' personal lives, the historical backdrop of the era, and in the skies up above in astrological regards. These won't really be reviews - as far as I'm concerned, my opinion is insignificant. These were listed as the greatest albums for a reason - even if I'm not completely in love with the music, there is probably something there I'll appreciate and respect on an intellectual level. At most, I may interject any stray thoughts, emotions, or images that were evoked while I was listening. For the most part, I want to focus on the historical aspect and why these albums had the impact they had.

Additionally, I have a few music-related movies and books I've been meaning to watch/read. I may do some short reviews on them throughout the year. I'm not going to say this year will be completely Song du Jour free, but they will be few and far between. Thank you for your continued readership and I'm super excited to see what 2020 brings.

"Dream On" by Aerosmith

My plans for writing these past few days were thrown out the window when I had an unexpected family visit. Although I had a lot of other songs I wanted to write about this month, I only have one night left. And I had to make it count.

As I've said before, this year has been something else. I won't call it bad, because it wasn't. But it was...different. I've never felt more delusional and crazy at times during 2019. And, yet, I've also felt freer and more myself than I have in the past 30 years of my life. I'm a lot closer to something akin to balance than I have ever been and for that, I am grateful. There was a period, earlier this year, when things were extra tough and all my efforts seemed so futile. Then, one morning, "Dream On" came on the radio....and it was the first time I had actually really heard the song. Mind you, I grew up on Aerosmith. They are part of my musical DNA, on par with the likes of Stevie Nicks, David Bowie, Queen, Cher, the Beatles, the Stones, the Doors, and Elton John. However, you can hear a song every single day and still not understand it. Then, all of a sudden, the lyrics take on this weight and meaning that they didn't have the day before. And you can't un-hear it, because it's in your soul now. That's basically what happened to me that day and I couldn't think of a better song to encapsulate my mentality going into 2020.

Every time when I look in the mirror

All these lines on my face getting clearer

The past is gone

It went by, like dusk to dawn

Isn't that the way

Everybody's got the dues in life to pay

I know nobody knows

Where it comes and where it goes

I know it's everybody sin

You got to lose to know how to win

"Dream On," much like "Carry On Wayward Son," captures a specific moment in the Hero's Journey that is absolutely essential in the creation of a legend and the plot of a story. It's the point where the Hero has wandered into the Abyss, unsure of how to get back. S/he has faced a crushing defeat and has to question everything s/he's believed up until that point. Every choice, every wrong turn, every decision made is called up for review. In many ways, it is the lowest point in the journey and what the Hero does next determines who they become. Assuming they choose to embrace their destiny (to be the Hero), that's when s/he realizes....there were no wrong turns, only lessons that helped them become the person they needed to be in that moment. To conquer the next challenge. To overcome the biggest obstacle in the Hero's Journey, which is always self-doubt and fear. It's when the fire returns and they go on to conquer these fears and redeem themselves for their past mistakes. After the Tower has collapsed, the Star comes out. Whether or not you choose to follow it is always your choice. And don't worry - there's plenty of Stars and it's never to late (or too early) to start following one.

I've been having a lot of weird dreams lately. Most recently, I had a dream that I had to fill up a pool with salt water using a wooden bucket. Even in the dream, it was understood that this was a lesson in character building. I mean, the pool did need to be filled for some reason but there was probably an easier way to do it. However, I knew intuitively that the point wasn't to get the water to the pool, it was to grow stronger and more patient in the process. I've been pondering this, as well as some thoughts I heard on a podcast regarding Jupiter in Capricorn. Jupiter is a benefic planet, meaning that - when it's well placed (as it was in 2019, when it was in Sagittarius, a sign it rules) - it lends an expansive, lucky energy to everything it influences. However, in Capricorn, Jupiter is in its Fall. Now, bear with me because I'm just now starting to understand the essential dignities of each planet, but what that means is that Jupiter's influence is severely handicapped. The luck is more in seeing the lesson for what it is, not that you'll get anything tangible out of the experiences you have. The astrologer went on to say that, in 2020, the skies are kind of against us. So if we want a happy ending, you have to be willing to work for it. There ain't no magical transits coming to save us in 2020. Fortune will favor those who are willing to dig in and create their own magic. Who can see the Abyss in front of them and are willing to walk into it anyway. Even if their compass is sorta broken and they traded their last candle to a traveling bard for a really cool looking grimoire. The way I've read the energy for 2020 - astrologically and empathically - is that we're all headed for a major course correction in some way. Regardless of how that plays out for each of us, what matters is who we choose to be every day. If you're not working to be who you want to be every single day, 2020 (and every year after) is going to fucking suck for you. And you'll have no one to blame but yourself.

However, if you are trying to embody your Destiny and your Highest Self - by trying to bring your thoughts, words, and deeds into alignment - I have just one message for you in the last moments of 2019....

Dream on, my dear Hero.

"Dream On" Video

breathin" by Ariana Grande

In a recent interview, Ariana Grande said that 2018 was both the best year of her life...and the worst. All I can say is...Ari, I'm right there with you. I think a lot of people are. And while most people haven't had as crazy a year as Grande has had (recovering from the trauma of a terrorist attack at one of her concerts, getting engaged, losing someone she loved to an overdose, getting un-engaged - all while churning out chart-toppers), there seems to be this atmosphere hanging in the air. That this was supposed to be a year of trials, tribulations, and transformation. I've been hanging around on Twitter a lot lately (a lot more than I had been the last couple of months) and - perhaps it's just the people I follow - but there's been a lot of "2018 year kind of sucked but I grew a lot as a person and that's awesome" stuff going around. Along with this seems to be an undercurrent of "2019 is going to be a-mazing." And while we always seem to think that around the New Year before it turns into same shit, different week...I'm hopeful. Who knows? Maybe 2019 really will be amazing.

I have plans, though. Lots of plans, because I do see the new year as an opportunity to start over, in some ways. To renew motivation. To refocus on what's important. Because, sometimes, that's all you can do. So, in addition to my perennial resolution to become a member of the Illuminati (which I make every year, because that should be everyone's goal), I'm expanding on my yearly motto of Read More, Write More, Move More, Be More.....and now, Love More. I'm going to try to be more present for my family, and more understanding and patient. With them and myself. I'm going to keep writing and try to be more effective with the few hours I have a week to devote to my projects. I plan to continue and expand my yoga practice (something I've taken up recently that I've found helps with the existential dread). Cook more and eat a more plant-based diet (The Husband is not very happy with this so we're not going completely vegetarian....for now). And then the usual business of continuing to be awesome at my job, being a good leader, and maintaining my current pace of constant learning. Which is exhausting, but incredibly rewarding when I look back at how far I've come.

Some days, things just take way too much of my energy

I look up and the whole room's spinning

You take my cares away

I can so overcomplicate, people tell me to medicate

Feel my blood runnin', swear the sky's fallin'

How do I know if this shit's fabricated?

Time goes by and I can't control my mind

Don't know what else to try, but you tell me every time

Just keep breathin' and breathin' and breathin' and breathin'

And oh, I gotta keep, keep on breathin'

Just keep breathin' and breathin' and breathin' and breathin'

And oh, I gotta keep, keep on breathin'

Lately, I've been having these moments of soul-wrenching pain. And by pain, I mean mental anguish...but I also feel it in my heart as well. But it's fine - they last 5 to 10 minutes at most. They might go away eventually....or I might keep having them until I die. I've accepted this - I have a sinking feeling that it's the latter, but I'll keep hoping. Anyway, I have this ridiculous theory that tears make your eyelashes grow longer so, really, weeping for no good reason (or for reasons that cannot be fully articulated or even understood) is an integral part of my beauty routine. As I said, these moments are temporary and the way to get through them is to stop. Keep breathing. And remember everything I have to be grateful and happy for. I'm a different person than I was a year ago. Despite all my failures and faults this year, I've become a better version of myself. And isn't that the purpose of a resolution? To make a conscious decision to better than you were before? Well, I'm going to take a page out of Neil Gaiman's book and make some new mistakes next year. Some really good, imaginative, spectacular mistakes. Because I'm still trying, damn it, and that's all anyone can expect from me. I'm putting in the effort, I'm putting in the work.

Some notes on the song - As you might've been able to guess, "breathin" is about Ariana Grande's struggle with anxiety, which got considerably worse (understandably) after the Manchester Bombing. Grande was diagnosed with PTSD shortly after a suicide bomber killed 23 people leaving one of her concerts. She has been very open about the feelings of guilt and pain and grief that she's experienced after this event. Unfortunately, this has led to quite a bit of public scrutiny. I think it's important to remember that we can't really judge other people's experiences or how they deal with them. It's not easy to tell when someone is struggling with anxiety or PTSD or depression - some people are more adept at hiding mental illness because they feel like they have to. On the flip side, society has this idea that mental illness should be obvious - that you should be breaking down in tears if you're really feeling sad. But really, the most common signs of these illnesses are being withdrawn and exhausted all the time, which seems to be the American Millennial's red badge of courage. However, this seems to be changing. Taking time for yourself is not selfish, but essential in order to be able to contribute your best to the world. There's a number of women younger than me (all around 23-27) that I really admire because it seems they've figured out things (like the aforementioned truisms) that took me three decades to even begin to learn. I wish I had understood when I was in my 20s, but there's a lesson in that, too. It's never too late.

Happy New Year, my friends! I hope your 2019 is everything you imagine it will be!

"breathin" Video