Press Pause ("Dying Star" by Ashnikko, feat. Ethel Cain)

This year has been exhausting but this last month has taken it to a new level. I've been going through the past several weeks - months - like a zombie, soul-weary and tired. I'm grateful this year is over, not because I think next year will better (on a grand scale, I don't think it will be), but because it means I've survived it. I realize not everyone can say the same. Here at the end of 2025, I'm treading water among the wreckage. I found a door to float on but the turbulence beneath the waves threatens to pull me under. One wrong move and I'm out to sea. I'm taking time off for the next couple weeks. I'm ready for a long-awaited breath of air, where my mind is not fixed on the government or everything everyone is demanding of me from day-to-day. Centered only on what matters. One breath in, one breath out. 

The ground reaches out to catch me

Softly in her baseball mitt

I'm tired of the dirt and grit

I want something soft

I'm a fish in a bucket, thrashing

He tried to take me out, hooks in my mouth

Listen to me when I say ouch

I want something soft

I had a lot of good intentions to write this year, but the clock started and I found myself leeched of creativity. And yet, there were moments....moments when the words flowed and I could hear my characters speaking to me. Or moments when an essay started to form. Maybe only snippets, but they were alive. Their pulse beating in my veins, whispering in my brain. Write it down, Jessica. It doesn't have to mean anything but, damn it, write it down. But I was gripped with this fear. Fear that my words may ruin me. May endanger my loved ones. May be misinterpreted by those who want to misinterpret. As the year pressed on, though, the real fear presented itself. No one cares. No one cares what I shout into the void. We are in a unique, blissfully nihilistic time right now. And I still care way too much. And worse, I want others to care more about me and my hopes and dreams than they do. The real fear is I'm merely another product - another transaction - and, despite my best efforts, I'm a boring one. And even if I write some totally outrageous nonsense, who cares? I am nothing and no one. The words I write are beautifully meaningless and for myself alone. And perhaps there is freedom in that.

Oh, to be an existentialist during such an era! To be reminded daily that I am both predictable and replicable is almost to much to bear. I am painfully aware I haven't written here as much as I've wanted. Every few weeks or so, I'll check my stats on this blog knowing they should be in the gutter because I haven't posted anything new in months, and yet there's a spike every few days of thousands upon thousands of views. That's it. There it is. The machines are stealing my words. And I have nothing to show for it, because bots don't click ads (unless you tell them to). A voice cultivated over 30+ years of writing (and life) experience, able to be replicated in seconds. Is this what it feels like? To slowly lose your soul? My sentences, my expressions, my clever turns of phrase sprinkled about hundreds of plagiarized articles and essays. You can imagine how demotivating this can be. More often than not, instead of writing, I've found myself doomscrolling, despite my best efforts not to be on Instagram so much. Every once in a while, I'll stumble across a reel telling me I shouldn't be on there. That I should be reading or writing or studying or doing anything more brilliant than staring at a screen. Like Brené Brown recounting what the People in Charge talk about when they think we drones aren't listening. That they are creating a class of Consumers, while they work towards being known as Philosophers. As a ruling echelon of Thinkers. And I will break out of my stupor, screaming, "No!" No. I am one of the Thinkers. Repeat after me. I am one of the Thinkers. And I have better things to do.

Needless to say, one of my New Years resolutions is deleting Instagram and Bluesky from my phone. And deleting my Facebook, which I haven't really used in a decade and am holding onto for no reason.

So I give in to the fall, fall, fall (it's cold out here)

I need somethin' soft, down feathers over rocks

I died and I land with both of my hands

In the mud, the mud

It felt like a god, how she held me

I slept on her shoulder, I gave her my all (Is there anyone?)

I bathed in her waterfalls

And continued to fall, fall (I'm entering the exosphere)

Astrology, at its core, is a meaning-making system. Like the alchemists and ancient Hellenistic philosophers who came before me, I embrace astrology as a lens through which I choose to view the world and my place in it. We cannot change the stars. We cannot change the moment that we are in. All we can control is how we navigate the cosmic storms. Not that I needed to tell you, but we are in a transitional time. A lot of big movements are happening. As noted before, Pluto is fully going into Aquarius - we're not going back to Capricorn again, we are done with that for another 250 years. We are finishing the last weeks of Neptune in Pisces and we'll be done with that for another 165 years. And Uranus in it's final retrograde through the last degrees of Taurus and we'll be done with that for another 84 years. You and I, my friend, will never see these transits again. So whatever change or turbulence they brought to your life, whatever area of your chart was transformed by those years, it's over. As such, a retrospective is in order.

Uranus is making its last pass through Taurus, which started in May 2018. Back then, in my naivete, I thought I knew what this transit would bring into my life. Boy, was I wrong! My life is completely different from how it was back then. I'm in a different part of my career - I'm at a different company, in a different state, with the triple the salary I was making 7-8 years ago. I earned like 6 Cybersecurity certifications. I bought the house I wanted for my forever home, I bought my first car, and I had a whole other child during that time. And I lived through a pandemic (which, if you're reading this, so did you). My entire mental foundation shifted, which I should've been able to predict considering Uranus was transiting by 12th House. I went through the worst depressive bout I've had during my life, which led to me completely restructuring how I approached my mental health and self-worth. I got back into my habit of reading and started a new hobby I will obsess over until my body gives out (pole dance). And more than ever, I've leaned into my spiritual beliefs. I've learned how to "say it with my chest." I'm much more open about my personal practices and beliefs than I used to be. Uranus is the planet of revolution and revelation. Indeed, that is what it has brought me. Every day, I'm realizing that the most rebellious things one can do in this world is rest, read, and create. As such, I'm actively learning to make time for those things, which isn't easy in the best conditions and is getting harder by design. If you know, you know. 

The forest reaches out to guide me

Blue fire paths of will-o-wisps

Illuminate the darkness's old tricks

I'm nobody's captive (mm-mm)

I asked him not to kill me politely

He drained my magic core, bottled up at the source

I washed up on a sea glass shores

I'm nobody's captive (mm-mm)

The changes and shifts will continue, and maybe even accelerate, as Uranus moves into my 1st House. I can see the possibilities already, in the short time the transit was in play this year. Everything could change, all aspects of my life, but mostly, it will likely change my perspective. How I move through my life, how I perceive the world. Chani probably said it best in her recommendation for Gemini and Virgo Risings - Be the Chaos you wish to see in the world. Challenge accepted. 

Burnin' like a dyin' star

Invasive weeds rooted in my heart

Set in a crooked trajectory

The journey here was hard

I was almost pulled apart

Tryna leave this orbit, took what's left of me

Ashnikko and Ethel Cain were two of my top artists this year. This song, in particular, found me at a time early in the year when I felt especially hopeless. It is a song about finding a place of rest after experiencing a period of turbulence. Specifically, it's about leaving an abusive relationship. It can translate to other situations, though - leaving a soul-sucking job, ending a one-sided friendship, just getting through a rough period in general. In the verses, Ashnikko recounts how she gave her all to a relationship, only to be drained of the essence which made her special, which filled her soul. This is one of the reasons it's hard to leave an abusive situation. It takes and takes and takes, until your sense of self worth is destroyed. And often, it feels like the only way to get it back is to get attention from the person (or situation) that took it. That's why we see these cycles and internal debates between leaving vs staying or leaving and then going back. To break the cycle, it requires a drastic refocus away from that person or situation. It requires a re-centering yourself. The shift is brutal and disorienting - it takes everything you have to pull your energy away. This is where we meet the artist on her journey. The waterfalls she bathes in are her own, she found the softness she needed in herself. Both Ashnikko and Ethel Cain have distinct vocals. Cain has this more ethereal lilt whereas Ashnikko has a more gravelly, raw quality. Together, they create this celestial, atmospheric blend, which complements the metaphors and imagery within the lyrics so well. I hope you enjoy it, I hope it brings you the same peace I feel every time I listen to it.

"Dying Star" Video

"What Was I Made For?" by Billie Eilish

Hi Barbie! As you probably know, yesterday was Barbie Day - the day when the much anticipated "Barbie Movie" was officially released. I am, without a doubt, a Barbie fangirl. I love Barbie - always have, always will. Not surprisingly, we're finding that many women in my generation (the Millennial generation) feel that way. We grew up in the 90s, when Barbie's popularity was really at her peak. It was before the Monster High Dolls and Bratz and the various other bobble-headed options we have today. Between me and my sisters, we had dozens of dolls - and that's not including the dozens of Special Edition Barbies my parents have stored at their house. My plan for when my house is finished (it's currently being built) is to get a display cabinet and then liberate them from the garage. I might even take some of them out of the box! (GASP!!!) 

I used to float, now I just fall down

I used to know, but I'm not sure now

What I was made for

What was I made for?

One thing that's important about this era in Barbieland is that Mattel really grasped the importance of representation for children, especially young girls. Barbie has had a Black counterpart for Barbie (Christie) and Ken (Steven) since the 60s, a Hispanic (Theresa) counterpart since the late 80s, and has since had Barbies in all body types, nationalities, and skin tones since the 90s. I myself had a Theresa doll, whom I re-christened "Jessica" (of course!) that largely carried out my fantasy adventures. Beyond that, Barbie has been become an LGBTQIA+ icon, which include the first transgender Barbie based on Laverne Cox released last year. And if you want to see something heartwarming, there are dozens of IG reels of gay men buying their first Barbie, because playing with (feminine) dolls wasn't something that was acceptable for young boys 20+ years ago. Now, seriously, who gives a shit? Dudes, hate to break it to you but....Barbie is woke.

I have read a few books on the history and evolution of Barbie and one thing that becomes glaringly obvious is that Barbie is a feminist icon. Now, I have known many a girl who will protest, pretentiously claiming, "Oh, I never played with Barbies" to whom I'd say: Bitch, you ain't special. Such women wear this as a badge of honor, refusing to acknowledge how the influence of this 11 1/2 inch doll has fundamentally shaped their status in society for the better. Before Barbie, a woman working outside the home was rare and temporary. In fact, the only dolls girls had to play with before Barbie were baby dolls - because a little girl was expected to become a mother some day.  A woman going to college for an advanced degree was an anomaly. The mere idea of a woman being a doctor, an astronaut, or anything other than a housewife and a mother was a fantasy. After Barbie, the ambitions of whole generations of women changed. Barbie was the first female Presidential candidate, a giant leap Mattel made after Geraldine Ferraro's historic run as the first Vice Presidential nominee...and she's been running every four years ever since. When you stop to think about it, there are so many careers open to women because Barbie did it first. She put the idea out there and the women of America (and indeed, the world) ran with it and wouldn't back down. That is the power of imagination and imaginative play.

Takin' a drive, I was an ideal

Looked so alive, turns out I'm not real

Just somethin' you paid for

What was I made for?

Let's look at the astrology of Barbie Day, because it was significant from an archetypal standpoint. If I didn't know any better, I'd say Greta Gerwig - or possibly even the studios - intentionally elected this day because of the astrology. First off, this entire week has been significant in terms of major transits - Mars in Virgo was squaring Saturn in Pisces, the nodes switched onto the Aries-Libra axis, and we're ending the week with the Sun in Cancer opposite Pluto in Capricorn, Venus stationing Retrograde in Leo, and finally, the Sun moves into Leo mid-Saturday (i.e., today). For those who don't keep track of astrological transits, that is a lot for one week. And I don't know about you but, boy, I felt it! Possibly one of the craziest weeks I've had in an already crazy year.

The transits I feel most directly reflect the plot of the Barbie Movie are the nodes moving to the Aries-Libra axis, Venus Retrograde, and Sun opposite Pluto - ordered from least to most significant. The switch to the Aries-Libra axis is straightforward - Aries is the sign of Independence, Leadership, and Individuality whereas Libra is the sign of Partnership, Cooperation, and Aesthetics. Barbie is known to be pretty, kind, smart, helpful, talkative, fashionable....but perhaps just a little bit vapid. This is the quintessential, one-dimensional description of Libra. Ruled by Venus, Libras prefer to be in relationship and independence is difficult. In the movie, Barbie chooses to leave BarbieLand to discover things on her own, to pursue her own Hero's Journey - this is a very Aries-like choice. We can intellectualize the Aries-Libra axis as the Lover vs Fighter question - to succeed, we need to be a little of both. We need to be able to speak for our own needs, desires, and boundaries, while still remaining in connection with others. This isn't easy and it's a lesson we'll all be working through over the next 18 months.

Venus is stationing Retrograde in Leo today so, at the time of the Barbie premiere, Venus was completely stopped in the sky. Venus in Leo is flamboyant, dramatic, generous, excessively romantic - a bold and fiery lover. However, when Venus stations Retrograde - in any sign - we may see the shadow side of her core concerns - relationships, beauty, harmony, personal values, luxury and finances - come out. Venus Retrograde is much like Inanna's journey to the Underworld. The Goddess must turn inward and look at who she is without all the vestments that supposedly make her divine. This is not unlike what happens to Barbie in the movie (based on the trailers I've seen) - she has to find out who she is without her perfect Barbie accessories and lifestyle to define who she is. On a worldwide scale, we may be taking a deep look at how much we get back for what we give (as you may have noticed from all the labor strikes, especially the SAG-AFTRA....acting and actors are closely associated with Leo). Leo is the sign of generosity, courage, creativity, and living authentically from the heart. Over the next 40 days, we'll be put in situations that force us to take a look at if we're embodying those things in the area of our chart that Leo rules (for me as a Gemini Rising, that's going to be the 3rd House, which covers Communication, Community, Early Education, Transportation, and Siblings/Extended Family). 

Finally, it's important to note that the chart of The Barbie Movie, is a Cancer Sun, with the Sun opposite Pluto Retrograde in Capricorn. Cancer is known to be a softer, more feminine sign - womanly arts and values, like motherhood, creative hobbies, and protection, all find a comfortable outlet in this sign. Additionally, Margot Robbie, who plays Barbie, has a Cancer heavy chart and she's a Cancer Rising, which means the Moon is her chart ruler. The Moon, even more than Venus, represents the Feminine aspect, and - like me - Robbie's Moon is in Scorpio, which is basically the Moon's least favorite place. In this opposition, Pluto is strengthened because 1) it's in Capricorn, a sign where it flourishes and 2) it's Retrograde, which tends to increase the potency of any planet's influence. Archetypically, with the planets on the Cancer-Capricorn axis, we can see an underlying struggle between comfort and ambition, home and work, emotional security and financial security. Cancer wants to go towards they feel emotionally safe, towards authentic connection, whereas Capricorn can tend to put those things aside as long as the image they portray is perfect. The plot of the movie is basically Barbie having an Existentialist Crisis. She is living the "perfect dream life" but she doesn't know why she exists, who she is, or even if that's who she wants to be. She experiences a Dark Night of the Soul (DNOTS), which doesn't necessarily always look all dark and serious a la Oppenheimer. In fact, "Oppenheimer" is a good foil for "Barbie" because it shows a different side of what is essentially the same experience. Sometimes, a DNOTS is grappling with the great questions of who we are and questioning the value of what we're putting out into the world; sometimes, it's just fumbling through everyday life as if we don't know what we're doing (even if we thought we had a good idea the day before). 

When did it end? All the enjoyment

I'm sad again, don't tell my boyfriend

It's not what he's made for

What was I made for?

You may have noticed it but we're in the throes of a great philosophical battle between Existentialism and Nihilism. Nihilism is the philosophy that there is no meaning in the world and nothing one does matters (the underlying message being....so just do whatever you want); whereas Existentialism argues that we need to create the meaning for ourselves. Nihilism fuels excess consumption and meaningless relationships with both people, inanimate objects, and nature. Even with The Barbie Movie, I have never seen a film more beneficial for pop culture materialism, with Barbie collaborations happening for everything ranging from food and clothing to interior decor and vacations. However, I've also seen an outpouring of independent creation from her fans and a renewed interest in uplifting Barbie to a role she has always held - a symbol of the people.....a role model for the younger generation.....and as an egalitarian icon.

Due to the amazing marketing that resulted from both the movies opening on the same day, one cannot speak on "The Barbie Movie" without mentioning "Oppenheimer." For the record, I want to see both and I love that people have turned this into an opportunity for a double feature (a pastime the public rarely engages in anymore due to the increasing costs of going to the cinema). "Oppenheimer' deals with an entirely different kind of existentialist crisis - Man versus the destructive nature of his Creation. It's a theme you may most readily recognize from Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein." True story - the first nuclear explosion occurred on 16 July 1945. The ultimate symbol of destruction is a Cancer Sun. And Pluto in Cancer ruled over The Great War era (which happens to coincide with on of my favorite aesthetics, Dieselpunk). Let's not downplay it - the atomic bomb is one of the most amazing feats of engineering and physics mankind has ever achieved. But it's also, by far and away, the most destructive and ever since that July day in the New Mexico desert, the threat of Nuclear Armageddon has weighed on humanity. It brings to mind the ghosts of legacy, because the atomic bomb is a part of my family history. My grandparents worked on The Manhattan Project - my grandfather's work is what made such a creation possible. And it's a surreal experience seeing two things that shaped my childhood - Barbie and fond memories of Los Alamos - brought to the big screen. It's humbling to see the interconnections between these seemingly disparate movies and my own life.

Think I forgot how to be happy

Somethin' I'm not, but somethin' I can be

Somethin' I wait for

Somethin' I'm made for

Somethin' I'm made for

This song was written by Eilish specifically for "The Barbie Movie." Unlike a lot of the rest of the soundtrack - which is full of upbeat dance-pop, such as Dua Lipa's "Dance the Night Way" - Eilish's contribution embraces the melancholic side of the existentialist musing found throughout the film's plot. Eilish's voice has that seductive sadness that fits the theme of the movies so well. The music video for the song features Billie Eilish, who looks as young as she is, setting up Barbie's dream closet. After the first couple verses and chorus, she's assaulted by a storm...but she persists. When the storm ends, she cleans up and lays her head down, a quick moment of surrender before she runs off.

"What Was I Made For?" Official Video

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming....

With a song from an artist my work bro introduced me to on this trip. His name is Jon Bellion and he does a sort of experimental hip hop. A lot of sampling and liberal use of an MPC, which gives his music a unique sound. However, it's the lyrics that got me. My friend played "Woke the F*ck Up" and I was hooked. This guy gets it. Coincidentally, this song is from his debut album, appropriately titled "The Human Condition." Most of his songs fit that theme accurately. There's something meaningful in the mundane, and Bellion captures that.

Take your clothes and rip 'em, rip 'em off

Call these hoes and tip 'em, tip 'em off

You can tell them you are mine

I'm sick of, sick of games

No more time, you lit the, lit the flame, yeah

We live in an age where everything is staged

Where all we do is fake our feelings

I've been scared to put myself so out there

Time is running out, yeah

Need to let you know that

Last night I woke the fuck up

I realized I need you here, as desperate as that sounds, yeah-eh

Last night I woke the fuck up

I realized I need you here, as desperate as that sounds, yeah-eh

We decided not to go out to eat tonight. We both had leftovers and, quite frankly, I think we're both a little bored of hanging out together after four days. That's normal. It's normal to get tired of hanging out with someone all day. It's normal to struggle for things to talk about, even if you're good friends with someone. And yet again, that tiny, goddamned voice....

"You never wanted normal."

During the course of the day, when there's lulls in the constant activity, my mind wanders. I was thinking about the story I'm writing. I've been struggling to identify what I want to convey. But I realized it's simply this....To expose the blood and bone and sinew that gets to the heart of human existence. I want to write something raw and desperate like that, something that reminds people that's real. They're not imagining it. What we're experiencing is real and not real at the same time. I've gotten to the point in this trip where everything seems a little surreal. I was getting breakfast and I was acutely aware of how sticky the floor was. A sticky floor in a rather high-end looking hotel. I hate sticky floors, but I'm also kind of high maintenance. This realization - of sticky floors and not-quite-right scrambled eggs - is part of my effort to stay present. I take a moment and try to really understand the details of where I am, everything I'm sensing through my physical presence, and my thoughts about those things. For example, I was looking at all the people I was sharing this small conference room with, trying to memorize their faces. And I came to the conclusion that I have no clue what "attractive" means anymore, because everyone's face seemed pleasant to me. By pleasant, I meant I didn't mind looking at them but it didn't bother me if I wasn't looking at them. I guess neutral, is a better word. I've become neutral.

When I was 18, I read Jean-Paul Sartre's "Nausea." I know that sounds pretentious, to say I've read Jean-Paul Sartre, but I have because that's just who I am. I don't mention that a lot because most people have no idea who he is or what existentialism even really means. People just think it sounds cool to say, but it's a fairly profound philosophical concept. Existentialism is the idea that each individual is responsible for giving their own life meaning. We begin in a state of dread - that life is inherently meaningless. This feeling, as described by Sartre, is akin to nausea. It's disorienting and disquieting, and leaves you with a pit in your stomach. Another way I'd describe it would be emptiness and an existential crisis, indeed, leaves you feeling like you're being sucked into a black void, of which you can never crawl out of, which some would call the Dark Night of the Soul. This is usually the start of the Hero's Journey. Something happens that turns his/her whole world inside out, to the point where he can't cope. Some people (possibly most people) live at the edge of this void for the majority of their lives. However, the only way out of it is to struggle through, dragging yourself through your own personal hell. Eventually, you reach the point of no return - some call this seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but in truth, you have to realize you had the light the whole time. This is the arc of a good character-driven story and, as it turns out, a good concept album as well. "The Human Condition" follows essentially Jon Bellion's Hero's Journey. I'm trying to keep these ideas in mind as I write my own character-driven plot. One final thought before I end this rant - the following sentence came to me today and I feel strongly that I'm meant to share it, because I find it comforting:

The [human] experience is not unique, our perception of it is.

"Woke the F*ck Up" Video

"While My Guitar Gently Weeps" by The Beatles (as covered by Girl in a Coma)

George Harrison wrote "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" after The Beatles became immersed in Transcendental Meditation (TM). After months of trying to get in touch with your inner One-ness and becoming infinitely more wise in the process, there's a moment when you become despondent that others don't understand what you understand. In the moment, in feels like it was so easy to get to this point. You've forgotten that - in reality - it wasn't. It was full of a lot of pain and before that moment, your life was an endless string of struggles. That's where Harrison was when he wrote this song. He felt so at peace with himself, but walking through the world, all he saw was people in immense amounts of pain. Suffering that was usually caused by their own inner demons - low self-worth, anxiety, competition with everyone in the world. Lacking in authenticity, not knowing that who they were was more than good enough.

I look at you all see the love there that's sleeping

While my guitar gently weeps

I look at the floor and I see it needs sweeping

Still my guitar gently weeps.

I don't know why nobody told you

How to unfold your love

I don't know how someone controlled you

They bought and sold you.

You've got to understand - in 1968, when The Beatles really got into the TM movement, they had spent several years under the influence of fame and excess. Lost in that world, they became jaded, as anyone would in that situation. They all felt as if they lost their passion for music and, in some ways, their passion for living. So, they went searching for something, like we all do eventually. Well, those who are awake, anyway. The Beatles decided to visit India and study TM under Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. His time there marked a profound change in Harrison and, afterwards, began a period of prolific songwriting. When he came back, he started to read the I Ching and embraced the idea of relativism - that everything is in relation to everything else. Nothing is coincidental. Nothing is an accident. He made a decision to write a song based on the first words he saw when he opened a book, which were "gently weeps." Similar to how Stevie Nicks used bibliomancy to write "Rhiannon." In the lyrics, he laments the universal love for humankind that is dormant in all people but remains unrealized. It was his profound wish that everyone would see and embrace this capability. If Love conquers all, why hasn't it yet? I don't know, George....I don't know.

I look at the world and I notice it's turning

While my guitar gently weeps

With every mistake we must surely be learning

Still my guitar gently weeps.

I don't know how you were diverted

You were perverted too

I don't know how you were inverted

No one alerted you.

A few words about Transcendental Meditation - it's simple to do yet, for some reason, you have to go to a teacher to learn it. Like everything worth doing, the world commodified and commercialized it. The Beatles were partially responsible for that - their very public endorsement as the biggest celebrities of the time created a surge of interest....and, simultaneously, hordes of customers desperate to emulate The Beatles. And once people realize you can make money off something, they'll do it. But, as I said, it's simple to do. You sit in silence, repeating a mantra in your head, for about 15-20 minutes twice a day. Supposedly (and please be aware that I have never taken a paid TM class in my life), the TM instructor gives you the mantras to work with and that's what you're paying for, really. Ancient wisdom. But, my friends, that's what the Internet is for....you can look up mantras and the TM technique yourself. You can decide if it's worth the money to get private TM instruction. But I believe the search for inner peace doesn't have to cost money and I'd be wary of anyone who says otherwise.

I look at you all see the love there that's sleeping

While my guitar gently weeps

Look at you all

Still my guitar gently weeps.

This version of "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" comes from Girl in a Coma's "Adventures in Coverland" album, which is exactly what you think it is - an album consisting solely of covers. As I've mentioned, I love Nina Diaz's voice, and GiaC's general style is highly influenced by rockabilly and surf rock. While Harrison's original recordings of the song were more folk music-inspired and the final version that made it to the White album had hints of progressive rock, the twangy guitar in GiaC's version hearkens back to the classic rock that influenced the young George, Paul, John, and Ringo. Additionally, I think Diaz's soulful crooning gives the lyrics more weight, somehow. You can really feel the worldly despair at the end.

Side tangent - While I was listening to this song (both out loud and in my head), I began to think about the idiom "heart of gold." Someone once said I had a heart of gold and I always thought that was a good thing. It sounds like a good thing, doesn't it? You would think it means that  I have a pure, good heart that is precious and valuable and needs to be protected. But then I was thinking that gold is one of the heaviest metals, atomically speaking. A gold bar is extremely heavy - you couldn't easily steal a bar of gold, because no one is that strong. So to be carrying around a heart of gold would be like always carrying this weight around in your chest. That's exactly what it feels like. If that's the case, I suppose it would be better to have a heart of stone. You don't have to carry around so much with you. You'd feel lighter. Oh, the places my mind goes when it's not doing anything....

As I write this, I feel strange. There was an eclipse today, the first New Moon of 2019. I don't know if that means something but an eerie calm has come over me. A sort of peace. A feeling that anything could happen - the world could end tomorrow - and I'd still know everything is going to be okay. And I'm ready for it. I can't describe it but I know it's true somehow. I don't really know what's happening to me. Anyway, I'm putting both the Beatles version and the GiaC version so you can hear the differences between the styles. Enjoy!

Girl in a Coma Version

The Beatles Version

breathin" by Ariana Grande

In a recent interview, Ariana Grande said that 2018 was both the best year of her life...and the worst. All I can say is...Ari, I'm right there with you. I think a lot of people are. And while most people haven't had as crazy a year as Grande has had (recovering from the trauma of a terrorist attack at one of her concerts, getting engaged, losing someone she loved to an overdose, getting un-engaged - all while churning out chart-toppers), there seems to be this atmosphere hanging in the air. That this was supposed to be a year of trials, tribulations, and transformation. I've been hanging around on Twitter a lot lately (a lot more than I had been the last couple of months) and - perhaps it's just the people I follow - but there's been a lot of "2018 year kind of sucked but I grew a lot as a person and that's awesome" stuff going around. Along with this seems to be an undercurrent of "2019 is going to be a-mazing." And while we always seem to think that around the New Year before it turns into same shit, different week...I'm hopeful. Who knows? Maybe 2019 really will be amazing.

I have plans, though. Lots of plans, because I do see the new year as an opportunity to start over, in some ways. To renew motivation. To refocus on what's important. Because, sometimes, that's all you can do. So, in addition to my perennial resolution to become a member of the Illuminati (which I make every year, because that should be everyone's goal), I'm expanding on my yearly motto of Read More, Write More, Move More, Be More.....and now, Love More. I'm going to try to be more present for my family, and more understanding and patient. With them and myself. I'm going to keep writing and try to be more effective with the few hours I have a week to devote to my projects. I plan to continue and expand my yoga practice (something I've taken up recently that I've found helps with the existential dread). Cook more and eat a more plant-based diet (The Husband is not very happy with this so we're not going completely vegetarian....for now). And then the usual business of continuing to be awesome at my job, being a good leader, and maintaining my current pace of constant learning. Which is exhausting, but incredibly rewarding when I look back at how far I've come.

Some days, things just take way too much of my energy

I look up and the whole room's spinning

You take my cares away

I can so overcomplicate, people tell me to medicate

Feel my blood runnin', swear the sky's fallin'

How do I know if this shit's fabricated?

Time goes by and I can't control my mind

Don't know what else to try, but you tell me every time

Just keep breathin' and breathin' and breathin' and breathin'

And oh, I gotta keep, keep on breathin'

Just keep breathin' and breathin' and breathin' and breathin'

And oh, I gotta keep, keep on breathin'

Lately, I've been having these moments of soul-wrenching pain. And by pain, I mean mental anguish...but I also feel it in my heart as well. But it's fine - they last 5 to 10 minutes at most. They might go away eventually....or I might keep having them until I die. I've accepted this - I have a sinking feeling that it's the latter, but I'll keep hoping. Anyway, I have this ridiculous theory that tears make your eyelashes grow longer so, really, weeping for no good reason (or for reasons that cannot be fully articulated or even understood) is an integral part of my beauty routine. As I said, these moments are temporary and the way to get through them is to stop. Keep breathing. And remember everything I have to be grateful and happy for. I'm a different person than I was a year ago. Despite all my failures and faults this year, I've become a better version of myself. And isn't that the purpose of a resolution? To make a conscious decision to better than you were before? Well, I'm going to take a page out of Neil Gaiman's book and make some new mistakes next year. Some really good, imaginative, spectacular mistakes. Because I'm still trying, damn it, and that's all anyone can expect from me. I'm putting in the effort, I'm putting in the work.

Some notes on the song - As you might've been able to guess, "breathin" is about Ariana Grande's struggle with anxiety, which got considerably worse (understandably) after the Manchester Bombing. Grande was diagnosed with PTSD shortly after a suicide bomber killed 23 people leaving one of her concerts. She has been very open about the feelings of guilt and pain and grief that she's experienced after this event. Unfortunately, this has led to quite a bit of public scrutiny. I think it's important to remember that we can't really judge other people's experiences or how they deal with them. It's not easy to tell when someone is struggling with anxiety or PTSD or depression - some people are more adept at hiding mental illness because they feel like they have to. On the flip side, society has this idea that mental illness should be obvious - that you should be breaking down in tears if you're really feeling sad. But really, the most common signs of these illnesses are being withdrawn and exhausted all the time, which seems to be the American Millennial's red badge of courage. However, this seems to be changing. Taking time for yourself is not selfish, but essential in order to be able to contribute your best to the world. There's a number of women younger than me (all around 23-27) that I really admire because it seems they've figured out things (like the aforementioned truisms) that took me three decades to even begin to learn. I wish I had understood when I was in my 20s, but there's a lesson in that, too. It's never too late.

Happy New Year, my friends! I hope your 2019 is everything you imagine it will be!

"breathin" Video

"I Will Follow You Into The Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie

The strangest thing happened just now. I was having a perfectly fine, happy day when a sudden pang of existentialist dread came over me. Enter Death Cab for Cutie.

"I Will Follow You Into The Dark" has been featured in numerous TV shows and movies, mostly instrumental form, but I think I first remember hearing it in an episode of "Grey's Anatomy." That show is tough to watch - at least, the early season were. I think someone died every episode - patients, secondary characters, even main characters (but not Meredith, never Meredith, although she has a few close calls). I always kind of identified with Meredith Grey - smart, talented, with so many expectations and a difficult relationship with her mother. There's an episode where a patient is always in pain because of his affliction that he tells Christina (Meredith's best friend) that he lives his life at an 8 so it's become sort of this background that dulls every other part of his life. Later in the episode, she yells at McDreamy for being careless with Meredith's heart because "she lives her life at an 8....her pain on any given day is an 8." I wouldn't be that dramatic but it always surprises me how easy it is to pretend that it's not that hard. Of course, people see what they want to see. That helps.

Anyway, there's so much death and pain in that show but that's not what makes it hard to watch. It's the aftermath. That's what brings tears to this old soul's heart. What's left behind when there's nothing left to heal. In the second season, Izzy falls in love with Denny Duquette...and it's wild and innocent and beautiful. But then he dies, despite Izzy's best efforts, despite her risking her whole career, perhaps even risking her freedom. And that's not even the saddest part of their relationship. No...the saddest part comes a few seasons later, when Meredith meets Denny in the afterlife during a near-death experience. He hasn't moved on to Heaven (which is a obvious eventuality in the Grey's universe). Instead, he haunts the hospital and walks the hallways when - every once in awhile - he will walk through Izzy and he gets to feel her energy. Just for a moment before she continues walking. And in that moment, he's so happy. He'll do that until Izzy joins him, however long that takes. Isn't that so fucking sad?

In the story I'm writing, the heroine is an Immortal. Well, more accurately - due to circumstances in her life - she has been given the Curse of Agelessness. Damned for all eternity to watch the people she loves grow old and die. Or just die, in some cases. She could impart immortality on them, if she wanted, but if you understood the depth of that pain, would you? When the story starts, we meet her in this place - broken, bitter, and isolated by choice. Essentially, she vows never to love again, because the pain of loss is too great, now. As you can imagine, this doesn't exactly work for her. Typical Heroine's Journey - faced with tough choices and self reflection. But I read somewhere recently that the right choice is always the path of love, which always leads back to yourself. Pretty hippie dippie but makes sense to me.

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule

I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black

And I held my tongue as she told me,

Son, fear is the heart of love, so I never went back

That lyric - "fear is the heart of love" - always struck me, because it's such a bold-faced lie that nevertheless permeates everything in society now. But you can't love something you're afraid of. Fear isn't love...if anything, it's the opposite. I think his reference to Catholicism expertly underscores this point. I don't miss that about being Catholic - being afraid of losing God's love for not being perfect, afraid of being sent to hell for my petty girlish sins. The complete opposite of what Jesus taught. The ending described in the song is more peaceful, but it does frighten me a bit. But, if I believe in a universe with infinite possibilities - and I do - I have to accept that there might not be anything after death. No Heaven, no Hell, no next life, no do-overs. Just darkness. And, hopefully, someone to hold my hand as that darkness takes over. Like that couple in "The Notebook" who die at the same time.

I promise I'll choose a happy song tomorrow. However, I do feel that the dread has passed, probably to some other poor, unsuspecting Millennial. C'est la vie....

"I Will Follow You Into The Dark" Video