"Bulletproof Heart" by My Chemical Romance

 Well, I was supposed to be in Houston yesterday to attend a My Chemical Romance concert, a stop during their Reunion Tour. At the time I bought the tickets (which are worth every penny), I didn't know I was pregnant and I wasn't expecting COVID-19 to spiral into a worldwide pandemic that would put concerts and other large gathering on hold for more than a year. As it stands, it's very possible I might've gone into labor at the concert, so I'm super happy that it's been postponed until September 2021. By that time, I will definitely not be pregnant, Baby Brother will be old enough to be left with a babysitter, and maybe the world will be in a better place when it comes to the pandemic. That last one is probably wishful thinking but anything could happen in another year.

Gravity don't mean too much to me

I'm who I've got to be

These pigs are after me, after you

Run away like it was yesterday

And we could run away

If we could run away

Run away from here

For the past year or so, I've been reacquainting myself with My Chemical Romance's body of work. I stopped listening incessantly after "The Black Parade." Not because I didn't like the album - some of my favorite MCR songs are on it - but just because I moved to a different place in my life. As such, I'm not as familiar with their fourth concept album - "Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys." It's based on a limited comic book series that Gerard Way wrote about a group of rebels living in a post-apocalyptic world. I know. It seems extremely apt for our current times. Also, just to make the MCR/Gerard Way immersion complete, I've been watching "The Umbrella Academy" on Netflix, which is also brilliant. At some point, I'll buy the graphic novel, but I'm enjoying the show so far. I'm not too far into it yet - I'm trying to save it for those late nights with Baby Brother. And another season of Sabrina is on the way, too. I've said it once and I'll say it again - this kid has timing.

Hold your heart into this darkness

Will it ever be the light to shine you out

Or fail and leave you stranded

Or are you gonna be the one left standing?

You're gonna be the one left standing

You're gonna be the one left standing

Back to the song, Gerard Way said it was about the romantic notion of leaving behind small town life for something bigger. In his words, "It's a fictional, metaphorical song really, but one about leaving home and running away – about doing whatever you can to run away." It's a song about taking your life into your own hands and not looking back. And ignoring what others say about what you should do. It takes a stance that people who listen to everyone else's shoulds and oughttas never experience true freedom. This is in line with the plot of "The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys." The villain in the comics is a corporation called Better Living Industries whose goal is to "strip citizens of their individuality." And, holy shit, if that isn't a message for today, I don't know what is. Better living through consumerism, you're happier if you just do what you're told. The heroine is simply named The Girl and she has a simple choice - join the mindless masses or go her own way and inspire others to break free. If you're familiar with the cult classic, "Tank Girl" starring Lori Petty, it's clear a lot of inspiration (as well as the aesthetic) was pulled from the movie.

Gravity don't mean too much to me
Is this our destiny?
This world is after me, after you

On a somewhat related note, I regret signing up for a baby registry. Boxes keep showing up and I'm just like, "I can do without most of this shit....what happened to trying to downsize?" For the past year, I've been trying to limit my purchases to things that truly bring me joy or are things I actually need. I've been trying to avoid not to buy too much mass-produced shit from Amazon and actively purchase items that are sustainably produced (and don't have any slave labor in their production chain, which is harder than it sounds). I fucked that up horribly by setting up a baby registry. My punishment has been trying to recycle all the boxes when they only pick up recycling once a week and trying to find places to store all the baby stuff. Apparently, I have been "nesting" according to the Internet but it comes in bursts. Some moments, I will absolutely need to clean something because it's driving me crazy and I can't think of anything else; other times, I want to clean but I'm too exhausted. I'm almost there, just a week (maybe two) more.

"Bulletproof Heart" Video

"The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust & the Spiders from Mars" by David Bowie

Ranking: #35 (but it's higher on my personal list)

Original Release Date: 16 June 1972

Genre: Glam Rock

"The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust & the Spiders from Mars" was a concept album that wasn't really a concept album. Essentially, it was pieced together from pre-recorded songs, with a loose theme behind it. Most of the story was written after the album was released, but Ziggy Stardust was a bisexual alien rockstar. David Bowie had built a reputation as having an androgynous persona and Ziggy was an extension of that. Ziggy Stardust became a character that David Bowie played when he performed, because that was his style. He totally immersed himself in the characters he created for his music. Ziggy was inspired by Vince Taylor, Legendary Stardust Cowboy, and the fashion imaginings of Kansai Yamamoto. The story goes that Ziggy Stardust is Earth's Musical Messiah. With only 5 years to live and complete his mission, he gathers a following of disciples. Ziggy meets his end on stage, being torn apart by the Infinites while he performs for his fans. A fitting end for Rock'n'Roll Space Jesus. I can't imagine it any other way.

In the Year of our Lord 1972, the world was in its usual turmoil. It was a particularly bloody year in partisan terrorism. In the United Kingdom, the Irish Civil War raged on and in June of 1972, a couple of British soldiers died after stepping on land mines planted by the IRA and gun fights ensued throughout Ireland. The fighting results in negotiations between the IRA and the British Government. More deaths, more fighting until an agreed cease-fire is reached. Unfortunately, after the implementation date of the cease-fire, the infamous Bloody Friday bombings occurred in July. Over 20 bombs exploded in the span of 80 minutes, killing 9 people and injuring over 100 more. This was followed by Bloody Sunday, when 14 unarmed Catholic protesters were gunned down by the British Army. The Troubles, as the Northern Ireland Conflict is affectionately known as, carried on until 1998. I knew a guy from Ireland who grew up during these times. He recalled being in a pub with his friends when the IRA walked in, announced that any Catholics should leave, and then shot up the place. He, being Catholic (and not an idiot), obviously left. I know that story makes the IRA look bad, but the Loyalists were just as bad, possibly even worse because 85% of Loyalist casualties were civilians. All this is still very relevant, by the way, especially as Brexit looms over the UK. The hard border that resulted from Northern Ireland joining the UK was one of the aggravating factors during the Troubles and Brexit may result in the loss of the current open border situation. It should also be noted that the majority of Northern Ireland voted to remain in the EU, making the reunification of Ireland an actual possibility. With a younger generation in charge - a generation that grew up during the Conflict and is less concerned with religious differences - it's a possibility that seems even more likely as the British government keeps bumbling the negotiations.

There's a starman waiting in the sky

He'd like to come and meet us

But he thinks he'd blow our minds

There's a starman waiting in the sky

He's told us not to blow it

Cause he knows it's all worthwhile

He told me:

Let the children lose it

Let the children use it

Let all the children boogie

Outside of the United Kingdom wasn't much better. The US was still embroiled in the Vietnam War (and it is not going well) but this year will mark the withdrawal of the last ground troops in Vietnam. Oh....and the Watergate Scandal broke, which ultimately led to Richard Nixon being impeached and resigning in disgrace. Three Arab gunmen opened fire at an airport in Tel Aviv, killing 26 people. Then, in September, an Arab gunman murdered 11 Israeli athletes at the Munich Olympics. And deadly earthquakes hit Turkey, Iraq, and Nicaragua, killing thousands. Clearly, we needed Ziggy Stardust (or some other savior, alien or otherwise) during 1972. But it wasn't all bad. This was also the year that Martin Scorsese's iconic film, "The Godfather" was released. Don McLean's classic song, "American Pie" held the number 1 spot in the US for four weeks. And HBO launched as the first subscription cable services. On the day "Ziggy Stardust" was released, the sun was in Gemini. This is fitting because Gemini's planetary ruler is Mercury. The Roman god, Mercury, is often depicted as an androgynous figure, much like David Bowie early in his career. There was also a lot of cardinal energy on this day, with multiple inner planet placements in Cancer, Uranus in Libra, North Node in Capricorn, and the Midheaven in Aries (I used 0800 as the "birth time" for this chart). Cardinal energy is all about getting shit started. Although David Bowie was already a popular artist when this album was released, "Ziggy Stardust" is considered the album that truly cemented his status as a music legend and pop icon. Finally, the Moon was in Leo, enhancing the desire for passion, creativity, and drama, which this album has in spades.

I also wanted to do a quick look at David Bowie's chart. Both his birthday (Jan 8) and his deathday (Jan 10) passed recently, which is why I chose this album to listen to. His Moon is in Leo, meaning that Ziggy was released during his monthly moon return. He was an Aquarius rising - this sign is co-ruled by Uranus and individuals with placements in Aquarius are often future-oriented and inventive, taking great interest in big ideas and new concepts. Aquarius placements tend to be independent and can have a reputation for rebelliousness. This all sounds very applicable to David Bowie. I also found it interesting that his 12th House (considered a House of Endings) is ruled by Capricorn (his Sun sign) and he died very close to his birthday. I'd be interested to see if there's a pattern of dying near your birthday if your sun falls in the 12th House. Coincidentally, his North Node (considered an indicator of Destiny) falls in Gemini and "Ziggy Stardust" was released during Gemini season. Finally, his Chiron was in Scorpio, indicating that he was gifted in helping people through periods of extreme transformation and had a talent for "alchemy," i.e., making something beautiful out of the unwanted. David Bowie as an artist, especially in the early days, attracted people who felt like freaks, outcasts, and strangers. By embracing his own inner weirdness, he signaled to his followers to be unafraid of who they truly were. That he accepted them as they accepted him, inside and out, eccentricities and all.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: As I'm writing this, I'm extremely pissed off. Mercury in Capricorn is square Uranus in Taurus. That's obviously not why I'm angry, but it's certainly not helping. I've had an extremely busy and stressful week. I'm a little off schedule with this project but I'm hoping to get back on track next week. More to come.

"Starman" Video

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming....

With a song from an artist my work bro introduced me to on this trip. His name is Jon Bellion and he does a sort of experimental hip hop. A lot of sampling and liberal use of an MPC, which gives his music a unique sound. However, it's the lyrics that got me. My friend played "Woke the F*ck Up" and I was hooked. This guy gets it. Coincidentally, this song is from his debut album, appropriately titled "The Human Condition." Most of his songs fit that theme accurately. There's something meaningful in the mundane, and Bellion captures that.

Take your clothes and rip 'em, rip 'em off

Call these hoes and tip 'em, tip 'em off

You can tell them you are mine

I'm sick of, sick of games

No more time, you lit the, lit the flame, yeah

We live in an age where everything is staged

Where all we do is fake our feelings

I've been scared to put myself so out there

Time is running out, yeah

Need to let you know that

Last night I woke the fuck up

I realized I need you here, as desperate as that sounds, yeah-eh

Last night I woke the fuck up

I realized I need you here, as desperate as that sounds, yeah-eh

We decided not to go out to eat tonight. We both had leftovers and, quite frankly, I think we're both a little bored of hanging out together after four days. That's normal. It's normal to get tired of hanging out with someone all day. It's normal to struggle for things to talk about, even if you're good friends with someone. And yet again, that tiny, goddamned voice....

"You never wanted normal."

During the course of the day, when there's lulls in the constant activity, my mind wanders. I was thinking about the story I'm writing. I've been struggling to identify what I want to convey. But I realized it's simply this....To expose the blood and bone and sinew that gets to the heart of human existence. I want to write something raw and desperate like that, something that reminds people that's real. They're not imagining it. What we're experiencing is real and not real at the same time. I've gotten to the point in this trip where everything seems a little surreal. I was getting breakfast and I was acutely aware of how sticky the floor was. A sticky floor in a rather high-end looking hotel. I hate sticky floors, but I'm also kind of high maintenance. This realization - of sticky floors and not-quite-right scrambled eggs - is part of my effort to stay present. I take a moment and try to really understand the details of where I am, everything I'm sensing through my physical presence, and my thoughts about those things. For example, I was looking at all the people I was sharing this small conference room with, trying to memorize their faces. And I came to the conclusion that I have no clue what "attractive" means anymore, because everyone's face seemed pleasant to me. By pleasant, I meant I didn't mind looking at them but it didn't bother me if I wasn't looking at them. I guess neutral, is a better word. I've become neutral.

When I was 18, I read Jean-Paul Sartre's "Nausea." I know that sounds pretentious, to say I've read Jean-Paul Sartre, but I have because that's just who I am. I don't mention that a lot because most people have no idea who he is or what existentialism even really means. People just think it sounds cool to say, but it's a fairly profound philosophical concept. Existentialism is the idea that each individual is responsible for giving their own life meaning. We begin in a state of dread - that life is inherently meaningless. This feeling, as described by Sartre, is akin to nausea. It's disorienting and disquieting, and leaves you with a pit in your stomach. Another way I'd describe it would be emptiness and an existential crisis, indeed, leaves you feeling like you're being sucked into a black void, of which you can never crawl out of, which some would call the Dark Night of the Soul. This is usually the start of the Hero's Journey. Something happens that turns his/her whole world inside out, to the point where he can't cope. Some people (possibly most people) live at the edge of this void for the majority of their lives. However, the only way out of it is to struggle through, dragging yourself through your own personal hell. Eventually, you reach the point of no return - some call this seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but in truth, you have to realize you had the light the whole time. This is the arc of a good character-driven story and, as it turns out, a good concept album as well. "The Human Condition" follows essentially Jon Bellion's Hero's Journey. I'm trying to keep these ideas in mind as I write my own character-driven plot. One final thought before I end this rant - the following sentence came to me today and I feel strongly that I'm meant to share it, because I find it comforting:

The [human] experience is not unique, our perception of it is.

"Woke the F*ck Up" Video

"The Hazards of Love" by The Decemberists

"The Hazards of Love" album by The Decemberists was a concept album/rock opera that follows a fairy tale dreamed up by the band's front man, Colin Meloy. Here's a brief retelling of the story. Once upon a time....

"The Hazards of Love" Album Artwork

A fair maiden, Margaret, rode out into the taiga. Along the way, she came upon an injured fawn. Being sweet and kind, she stops to help it but, as she kneels down to check its leg, the fawn transforms into a beautiful young man, William. Enthralled by each other, they make love and then William disappears into the forest, as shape-shifting men tend to do. A few months later, Margaret discovers she's knocked up. Desperate, she runs back to the forest to find William. Hearing her cries, William returns to Margaret and finally declares his love for her. They are cuddling and reminiscing about their first night together when William's mother, The Forest Queen, discovers them. And, boy, is she pissed off about their romance.

You see, The Forest Queen saved William when he was abandoned by the river as a baby. She loved him as if he was her own child and bestowed him with the gift of Immortality. She views William's actions as ingratitude. He begs her to allow him one night with Margaret and she concedes. But only one night as a mortal man and then he can never see her again. After the deal is struck, Margaret is kidnapped by The Rake. The Forest Queen, being a raging bitch, gives The Rake permission to rape Margaret and allows him to escape. William cannot follow across the river unless he gives up his life for safe passage. Meanwhile, Margaret is screaming for him to save her. Then, the Rake is stopped by a trio of ghosts - his children whom he murdered - allowing William enough time to rescue Margaret. As they are running away, they choose to get "married" by jumping in the river and drowning while William is still a mortal. As they drown, the make a final pledge of love as they die. Fin.

With this long last rush of air

We'll speak our vows in starry whisper

And when the waves came crashing down

He closed his eyes and softly kissed her

What the fuck is with these people choosing to drown in order to be together forever?! That seems to be a common theme in these fairy tales, even ones that have been written in recent years. In fact, fairy tales written in modern times seem to be even darker, like they're going to be turned into a movie directed by Darren Aronofsky. Let's just drown ourselves! It'll be fun....and it's the ONLY WAY! I didn't know this story was going to take such a dark turn when I started listening to the album - and I have been listening to it the whole time I've been writing this. Because I like the Decemberists. In fact, I sought out a Decemberists song specifically for this month, because they're usually so whimsical and lovely. I've heard "The Rake's Song" on my playlist several times, but I hadn't taken the time to listen to the album before. In this case, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. It does get a little confusing because Colin Meloy sings both the parts of William and The Rake. Shara Nova, who plays The Forest Queen, is wonderful and haunting (I highly recommend listening to "The Queen's Rebuke"). The music composition has such depth and makes wonderful use of the harpsichord (I fucking love the harpsichord...it's my favorite instrument). Other favorite songs on the album include "Annan Water" and "The Wanting Comes in Waves." But, for today's video, I chose the final song - "The Hazards of Love 4 (The Drowned)" - because it's beautiful and sad and perfectly sums up the entire story. It's a duet - Meloy's strong, soulful tenor harmonizes so well with Becky Starks ghostly soprano....it really is a brilliantly done song and a lovely ending to the entire album. Seriously...try not to cry.

"The Hazards of Love 4 (The Drowned)" Video