"Bulletproof Heart" by My Chemical Romance

 Well, I was supposed to be in Houston yesterday to attend a My Chemical Romance concert, a stop during their Reunion Tour. At the time I bought the tickets (which are worth every penny), I didn't know I was pregnant and I wasn't expecting COVID-19 to spiral into a worldwide pandemic that would put concerts and other large gathering on hold for more than a year. As it stands, it's very possible I might've gone into labor at the concert, so I'm super happy that it's been postponed until September 2021. By that time, I will definitely not be pregnant, Baby Brother will be old enough to be left with a babysitter, and maybe the world will be in a better place when it comes to the pandemic. That last one is probably wishful thinking but anything could happen in another year.

Gravity don't mean too much to me

I'm who I've got to be

These pigs are after me, after you

Run away like it was yesterday

And we could run away

If we could run away

Run away from here

For the past year or so, I've been reacquainting myself with My Chemical Romance's body of work. I stopped listening incessantly after "The Black Parade." Not because I didn't like the album - some of my favorite MCR songs are on it - but just because I moved to a different place in my life. As such, I'm not as familiar with their fourth concept album - "Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys." It's based on a limited comic book series that Gerard Way wrote about a group of rebels living in a post-apocalyptic world. I know. It seems extremely apt for our current times. Also, just to make the MCR/Gerard Way immersion complete, I've been watching "The Umbrella Academy" on Netflix, which is also brilliant. At some point, I'll buy the graphic novel, but I'm enjoying the show so far. I'm not too far into it yet - I'm trying to save it for those late nights with Baby Brother. And another season of Sabrina is on the way, too. I've said it once and I'll say it again - this kid has timing.

Hold your heart into this darkness

Will it ever be the light to shine you out

Or fail and leave you stranded

Or are you gonna be the one left standing?

You're gonna be the one left standing

You're gonna be the one left standing

Back to the song, Gerard Way said it was about the romantic notion of leaving behind small town life for something bigger. In his words, "It's a fictional, metaphorical song really, but one about leaving home and running away – about doing whatever you can to run away." It's a song about taking your life into your own hands and not looking back. And ignoring what others say about what you should do. It takes a stance that people who listen to everyone else's shoulds and oughttas never experience true freedom. This is in line with the plot of "The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys." The villain in the comics is a corporation called Better Living Industries whose goal is to "strip citizens of their individuality." And, holy shit, if that isn't a message for today, I don't know what is. Better living through consumerism, you're happier if you just do what you're told. The heroine is simply named The Girl and she has a simple choice - join the mindless masses or go her own way and inspire others to break free. If you're familiar with the cult classic, "Tank Girl" starring Lori Petty, it's clear a lot of inspiration (as well as the aesthetic) was pulled from the movie.

Gravity don't mean too much to me
Is this our destiny?
This world is after me, after you

On a somewhat related note, I regret signing up for a baby registry. Boxes keep showing up and I'm just like, "I can do without most of this shit....what happened to trying to downsize?" For the past year, I've been trying to limit my purchases to things that truly bring me joy or are things I actually need. I've been trying to avoid not to buy too much mass-produced shit from Amazon and actively purchase items that are sustainably produced (and don't have any slave labor in their production chain, which is harder than it sounds). I fucked that up horribly by setting up a baby registry. My punishment has been trying to recycle all the boxes when they only pick up recycling once a week and trying to find places to store all the baby stuff. Apparently, I have been "nesting" according to the Internet but it comes in bursts. Some moments, I will absolutely need to clean something because it's driving me crazy and I can't think of anything else; other times, I want to clean but I'm too exhausted. I'm almost there, just a week (maybe two) more.

"Bulletproof Heart" Video

"Helena (So Long and Goodnight)" by My Chemical Romance

This weekend has been rough and I haven't really had a chance to write because I have family in town. I almost feel like phoning it in but...it's My Chemical Romance. And My Chemical Romance got me through some of my darkest days. I think I've said that before. I forgot how much I love their old stuff (i.e., the first three albums). I haven't really listened to their more recent music but I enjoyed Gerard Way's solo album. But, then again, I love Gerard Way so that was going to happen anyway.

MCR has a few songs from their first album that are vampire-esque and maybe I'll go back to them later in the month. "Helena" was probably the first song I heard by My Chemical Romance, but it was really the video that got me. Honestly, it was Gerard Way. I saw his long black hair, hazel green eyes, pallid skin and thought, "My God! He's magnificent!" I still think he's rather attractive. I should write a Netflix original - "To All the Goth Boys I've Loved Before."

Besides that, MCR had that aesthetic/sound I was yearning for as a teenage girl. Hopelessly romantic but desperately dark at the same time. Maybe those are the same things. Yep, you can probably see where I'm gonna go with the lyrics interpretation.

Can you hear me?

Are you near me?

Can we pretend to leave and then

We'll meet again

When both our cars collide

Gerard Way wrote "Helena" as a tribute to his and Mikey's late grandmother. After she died, he became very depressed and started drinking a lot. He had a lot a guilt about not being around for her when she was alive. The song is an open apology for everything he didn't do for a woman that was so special to him. "Helena" was also the first single from MCR's second album, "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge." I consider "Three Cheers" as the halfway point of MCR's progression to a full concept album. The first album, "I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love," was pretty much a normal album with songs that weren't really related. "Three Cheers" hinted at a love story, the "Demolition Lovers," which was a re-imagining of the tragic tale of Bonnie & Clyde, but some songs didn't exactly fit into the narrative. Finally, "The Black Parade" was a full concept album, with all songs being sung from the perspective of "The Patient," a dying man examining his life before he succumbs to terminal cancer.

Now, for my interpretation of "Helena," it's a song that always reminded me of the Beautiful Sad Girl movie trope. In male-written indie films, there's always two kinds of girls that the narrator runs into - the Manic Pixie Dream Girl, the perfect girl that reminds the protagonist that he needs to experience life and take risks. And then, there's the Beautiful Sad Girl (and variants, the Fragile Flower or the Broken Bird) - the depressed girl who is so beautiful that it makes the protagonist feel like he must be really something special if he makes her smile. Both of these girls only exist so that the protagonist can reach self-actualization. Then, he can finally move on and leave her to her Fate. For the Beautiful Sad Girl, she almost always kills herself. Like Lux Lisbon in "The Virgin Suicides" - for one brief, shining moment, she thinks she's overcome the darkness when she falls in love with the most handsome boy in school, Trip Fontaine. Then he fucks her and leaves her alone on the football field, which is just the beginning of the end for poor Lux (and her sisters). I really like her name though - if I had a daughter, that's one of the names I would like to name her (unfortunately, The Husband thinks it's weird and if he knew the origin story, there's no way in Hell he'd allow it). Anyway, the first time I heard "Helena," that's who I thought she was. The singer's True Love, who took her life too soon, for unknown reasons. And he's sad because he cannot join her now but maybe in the next life.

Sorry for the ranting. I just got started and everything just flowed. It didn't even take that long to write, if I'm being honest. In retrospect, "Helena" isn't really a Halloween song, per say, but it is about death and the video is sufficiently dark and creepy that I think you'll allow it.

"Helena" Video

"Headfirst for Halos" by My Chemical Romance

::DISCLAIMER:: I am going to get super personal. This post is about suicidal thoughts....and how they are temporary. I promise. ::END DISCLAIMER::

As you may already know, Anthony Bourdain died today. I was a little more upset than I realized I would be. I love his writing. Sure, it was a tad melodramatic and he used way too many adjectives, but it sounded good. He had what I would consider my "dream job," which is traveling all over the place, eating amazing (and not-so-amazing) food, hanging out with a zillion interesting people, and writing about it all. A professional adventurer, of sorts. That's the thing. You can look like a million bucks and seem like you're having a great time but still feel like you're dying inside. And that's okay....because, trust me, it gets better.

With all the high profile suicides happening, I want to talk to you, dear reader, who may not feel as important as the rock stars and fashion designers and chefs on the news, but you are. Absolutely, without a doubt, you are. Here comes the personal part (which is kind of scary to share but no one reads this stupid blog so fuck it) - I tried to drown myself when I was 15. Sure....kind of an ineffective method since I'm an excellent swimmer. But the water was close to freezing because it was January and after I jumped, I just sank. The water was so cold, my muscles seized up so when I realized I didn't really want to die, I had to fight to get to the surface because my body and my clothes and my heart felt like lead. But I lived and that's the last time I honestly tried. I was lucky but other methods are much more permanent. And a lot more painful and difficult to come back from if you change your mind at the last second. I'm not saying I haven't been self-destructive since that incident. I had to go through years of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (through the free resources at my university), which helped me recover from my eating disorder and the dark thoughts I had from time to time. And when I was in school for Psychology, I tried to use my experience to help others suffering from similar problems. I'm very proud to say that I've prevented a few people from killing themselves, at least during that particular moment. It's draining but it's worth it.

In suicide prevention training, they told me not to tell the person to think of the lives they'll leave behind. You know why? Because you should be living for yourself, not anyone else. You deserve to be happy and that's not selfish. It may take some time to figure out your reason to live - and maybe it is for the people in your life. My son is the number one reason why I don't even consider it anymore. Because I love him and I want to be with him for as long as I can. But that may not be true for you and that's okay. It's okay to just exist for a while and to take some alone time. And it's absolutely okay to talk about it and get help. That's the most important thing. Tell someone, like me or your mom or your best friend or a therapist, because they care. I care....I really do. Probably too much, but I do. And I hope sharing my story helps someone out there.

If you are considering suicide, stop and call someone. Like the National Suicide Prevention Hotline  - 1-800-273-8255, URL: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/. They are available 24/7 and you can even chat with someone online now, if phone calls make you anxious (I used to get really anxious before calling someone....still do sometimes, but not as bad). You're not alone.

Okay, now that the serious part is over, I want to share a song that I listened to a lot when I was down. It's chipper but it's dark. Like Gerard Way could read my brain when he was writing it. The song reminds me of Peter Pan, because the end is just him repeating the phrase "Think Happy Thoughts" over and over and over. And that helped. It really did. Like a mantra, of sorts. The song is about Gerard Way's struggles with bipolar disorder. I don't have bipolar disorder but I can relate. Geez, I forgot how much I loved MCR - I'm going to re-discover all their music now. The video is just the song with the album artwork.