We're All Mad Here ("Where is my mind?" by Safari Riot feat. Grayson Sanders - Pixies Cover)

In case you haven't noticed, we're in the "find out" stage of fucking around. It's the end of the world as we know it - and I feel strangely fine. Since Uranus moved into Gemini, I've felt a new energy. Then I remember I'm a Gemini rising. These are the times I'm built for. Yes, the transit through Taurus sucked. I've beat that dead horse enough. This year, I've had this underlying fear - I was really anxious about the state of the world and a bit scared of the change coming. However, since the end of April, my attitude has flipped. Fuck it, let it all blow up. Like the ending of "Fight Club." I'll get through it - heck, I might even be thriving by the end. 

I've told my coworkers and my friends numerous times - I'm having a really hard time taking any of this seriously anymore. And at the same time, I care even more deeply than I ever did before. It's paradoxical. The Astrology Podcast always has these fantastic phrases for different transits and in their annual forecast for 2026, I remember Austin Coppock describing the March-April-May timeframe as "deadly unserious." Perfect description. We are living in dangerously unserious times. This is going to be a long one so I invite you to follow me down the rabbit hole.

Poetic Interlude ("In My Dreams" by Walter Meego)

I'm comfort watching "Ugly Betty" at the moment. It's been a long time since I watched the original run and it had been one of my favorite shows during the late 2000s. When I saw it on Netflix, I was stoked. With recent workplace drama, I identify more with Betty now than ever. I feel like being my authentic self makes certain people enjoy my presence more....while simultaneously pissing off others. Others who have more influence than I do. I can't help it. I know I come off as naive, wide-eyed, absurdly optimistic....maybe even a bit bimbo-esque in some cases. Sometimes, my snarkiness gets me in trouble. I often speak before I think, especially when what I have to say sounds really clever in my head. I hang out with the "wrong" people because, to me, they're the right people and they've had my back since I started. Always talking me up, even when I feel like a fraud. I know I don't fit, but I still want to be there. I still feel like it's a part of my story, like how Betty feels for Mode Magazine.

This song plays at the end of an episode in Season 2, when Betty's had one of the worst birthdays ever, except for when her friend, Gio, showed up to give her a surprise because he felt she deserved this fantasy birthday that she dreamed of. When she gets home, her boyfriend, Henry, is sleeping on the couch because he was waiting for her. I know it sounds sweet, but Henry is kind of the reason she had a terrible birthday. He let a certain situation get in the way instead of being there for her. This is the guy who claims he loves her and yet he keeps making all these wrong moves. Watching Season 2 is the most frustrating thing because of their relationship - first, it's the "will they, won't they" trope, then they try to keep the relationship a secret from multiple people (for stupid reasons), and finally, it ends with it just being an altogether shitty relationship because both of them are emotionally stunted. And for the record, I don't care how hot Henry is, I was Team Gio from the moment he stepped on screen. Spoiler alert: She chooses herself over both of them. I know there's a lesson in that, but quite honestly, I don't want to hear it.

The song is....well....dreamy. And it sounds like something that's playing in the back of my mind while I'm thinking of....something else. A fantasy. A hope. A wish. Something that is not my current reality and seems unreal and far away and - in all fairness - highly improbable.

********************

Anyway, I made a New Year's resolution to write two haikus a week this year and I have a bunch I've written. I actually think some of them are good so I wanted to share a few, so you can join in this rollercoaster of a year I'm having. 

Common sources of inspiration include romance and literature...

I dream of your lips

Saying the sweetest nothings, 

Brushing against mine.

Tale as old as time,

Roses, the Beast, and his curse

Remind me of you.

                - Beauty to her Beast

...Office drama that bleeds into world events...

Politics at play,

Gossip tells the raw story

You cannot refute.

               -Bitch Session

The men on Forbes’ list

Choose profit over people.

Unsustainable.

...And, of course, pole class:

Lifting my own weight,

Such exquisite exhaustion

Settles in my bones.

                -A Good Workout

*********************

Last year, I blocked someone who I was mad at. For good reason, mind you, but still...it was childish. We were really close, it was devastating, and it even surprised me when I pressed that button (as well as the emotional outburst that preceded it). It's been several months since I've heard from them but I dream of them from time to time. Recently, I could feel myself starting to get over the anger I had towards them. I thought, "What the hell? Let's unblock them. They probably don't even think about me anymore. They probably won't even notice." I thought it was safe - my IG is private and I don't follow them anymore, so it's not like I'd see their updates. A word of advice - if you blocked someone, just keep them blocked. 

I ended up hurting my own feelings. After unblocking them on Insta, I saw that they went to the same part of CA where I was born - including my literal birthplace - for their birthday. Did they realize that? It's possible. They know a lot about me, because I trusted them. Given how large CA is, it's hard for me to believe it's a coincidence. Was it simply one more thing they did just to get under my skin because they thought I was watching? I don't know, I don't care. Pretty fucked up, if it was, but not shocking. I blocked them initially so I wouldn't see this shit so I blocked them again. I'm just gonna stay mad. I'm clearly not over what happened between us, I'm wise enough to admit it. Might not ever be. As expected, they got angry and blocked me back. Which means they noticed I unblocked them in the first place, which wasn't for very long. Good. That's what I needed. My main reason for unblocking them was so they would have the opportunity to block me. Fair is fair. I was about to ruin my own peace again and they've saved me from that. Thank you, next.

************************

"In My Dreams" Music Video

"Desire" by Meg Myers

I've been obsessed with this song since about August. I discovered it when I was browsing Jordan Kensley's Instagram (Jordan is a pole dancer who I took a floor work workshop with in September....she's super nice and an amazing dancer). Honestly, trying to understand why I love it so much has been a mind fuck. Obviously, I connect with it on some level. It describes something I feel frequently. Beyond that, it's part of myself I (and definitely many others) have sublimated for a long time. Sure, it's an Unskippable, but what makes it an Unskippable is the whole point of this blog, right? The rawness of emotion - an emotion many people feel intense shame for - is palpable. 

"Lilith" by John Collier

I spend a little bit of every day studying and trying to understand esoteric concepts. Astrology, mos def, but others as well - ghosts/spirits, alchemy (the spiritual kind), divinity, demonology, manifestation, etc, etc. I thought for Scorpio season (especially since it's also Eclipse season) I would dive into sacred sexuality and tantra (again). Specifically, I've been ruminating on this idea of Desire as Direction. And that doesn't just mean sexual desire but whatever kind of desire it is, it's a dangerous idea to society as it stands today. Not only that but it's a scary idea. I'm not sure the average person has much experience with admitting what they desire with their whole chest. It's vulnerable, it's risky, because one of the outcomes is not getting what you want. I mean, that is the outcome if you don't take ownership of what you desire anyway, but it's easier somehow - you can make excuses. Oh, I never said anything. Oh, I knew I'd get turned down anyway (no, you didn't). And a lot of the time, our desires are painted as silly, childish fantasies anyway, so why are you so hung up about it?

Baby, wanna touch you

I wanna breathe into your well

See, I gotta to hunt you

I gotta bring you to my hell

Baby, I wanna fuck you,

I wanna feel you in my bones

Boy, I'm gonna love you

I'm gonna tear into your soul

Of course, there's the even scarier implication for the reverse, because if Desire is Direction, then Lack of Desire is a sign you're on the wrong path. If that's the case, you might need to let go of things that are really comfortable. A career, relationships, hobbies, personality traits, habits, clothes...all sorts of things you've been holding on to. There's this manifestation exercises where you imagine who you would be if you had everything you wanted - dream career, dream partner, dream wardrobe, dream life - what does that look like? For some people, that's so different then how their lives look today that it's overwhelming and discouraging. To get from point A to point B requires so much change on their part that they'd rather not bother. Perhaps it goes without saying, but Scorpio falls in my 6th House - the House of Habit, Health, and Routine. Larger transformation requires discipline in the mundane. And if you don't desire something to change, it never will. Desire is Direction. If you aren't pursuing something with intensity, why are you even doing it?

"Desire" is about wanting someone so much, it's all consuming. The lyrics may seem kind of violent to some but then those are probably the sort of people who have never desired someone so much, they weren't sure if they wanted to fuck the person or kill them. Yes, I imagine this would make for some rather rough, predator/prey type sex. The wording of the chorus is notable. "Do you want me?" is a very different question from "How do you want me?" She knows whoever she's singing to wants her back and he/she can have her. Any way they want. So what are they waiting for? Because the waiting is just pissing her off. The chorus sounds like a frustrated demand, and it is. I'm choosing when (now) and where (here), you get to choose the how. The music is intense and dark, highlighting the gravity of her desire, the vulnerability of what she's asking for. I'm just not sure Desire is something the average woman feels free enough to embody, which makes this song subversive. Do you ever notice that? How male artists can sing about sex all day but when a female artists say the words "I want to fuck you" in their lyrics, it's somehow dirtier and more raw? 

Desire, I'm hungry

I hope you feed me

How do you want me, how do you want me?

How do you want me, how do you want me?

How do you want me, how do you want me?

How do you want me, how do you want me?

The landscape today is more open to differences in sexual expression. It seems, to me, every other girl is coming out as asexual or demisexual (only becomes interested in sex when they have an emotional connection), but it's still a difficult world for women who are decidedly sexual and open about it. There's still so much stigma around polyamory, kink, one-night stands, tantra, and out of the whole LGBTQIA rainbow, bisexuals/pansexuals are still told they're sexuality isn't legitimate (by both sides of the homo-hetero spectrum). Women are told to "respect themselves" but for some, that still means withholding sex, even within the confines of a (monogamous) committed relationship. We're told to treat ourselves like a Queen but I've never identified with that archetype. Queens don't dance, Queens don't sing, they don't take lovers who are their equals, and they make some rules but ultimately, they uphold the rules of society. It's an archetype about control and image, of wealth and power. I've always valued individuality and authenticity, wildness and freedom. I am uncontrollable to everyone except myself, and I like it that way. As such, I've always found myself drawn to the archetypes of the Temptress, the Succubus, the Siren, and (in their higher forms) the Sacred Courtesan. As you can imagine, a different kind of goddess invokes those themes.

Honey, I wanna break you

I wanna throw you to the hounds,

Yeah I gotta hurt you

I gotta hear from your mouth

Boy, I wanna taste you

I wanna skin you with my tongue

I'm gonna kill you,

I'm gonna lay you in the ground

When I finally dropped the pretense of Catholicism and decided that - yes, indeed - the path of witchcraft and paganism was for me, Lilith was the first goddess who called to me. And while in more recent years, others have called - Persephone, Brigid, Hekate - Lilith is still a vital part of my practice. I love her darkness, her wildness, her dedication to living her truth, even if it defies the rules. Whereas Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil out of ignorance, Lilith ate from it knowing the consequences. And she walked out of the Garden, naked, head held high, confident that she would be able to continue on her own. Underlying all the overarching messages of freedom, empowerment, and equality, lies the beating heart of Lilith's story: rejection. And not her rejection of Adam, but of his rejection of her. God gave him his equal, in every way, and he rejected Lilith for a partner who was weaker, less wild, less free-spirited, less attuned to her own bodily autonomy. One who was and would be dependent on him. Ultimately, one who wouldn't (and couldn't) challenge his authority as master of all that lived in the Garden of Eden. In short, he chose power over love. The only thing Lilith asked for was partnership, and that was too much. The lesson here is if you can't have equal partnership - if you can't find someone who is willing to hold space for all of you - choose freedom.

I wanna feel you, I want it all

I wanna feel you, I want it all

The video is fitting for Spooky Season. In fact, it's inspired by numerous horror films. Meg Myers plays the role of our fearless Final Girl, confronting the entity that's been haunting her dilapidated house. Water is everywhere, all the classic 70s furniture is lighted with that sickly yellow tinge, spooky handprints show up on the mirror, creepy cartoons on the old-fashioned CRT. Then it takes an unexpected turn. A phantom picks her up like a lover and throws her on the pullout couch/bed. I think you know what happens next - ghost sex. This is apparently a real phenomenon, and you can find numerous reports of *ahem* spectral encounters through various ghost hunting sites and books. I love this video but I can't help but imagine how awkward it was to film it. There was definitely a buff stunt man decked out in that green bodysuit spinning her around and "positioning" her. And can we also talk about how understated and sexy a plain camisole and panties is? That's probably why it's the official uniform of every teenaged girl who dies while having sex in slasher flicks. The performance Meg gives in the video is absolutely emblematic of the vibe, though - innocent, maybe a bit ashamed of how she feels, but she still knows what she wants.

"Desire" Music Video

This eclipse season is already driving me crazy....and I'm letting it. My eye has been twitching a bit, I think it's just exhaustion because I haven't been getting good sleep. I'm listening to Steven Sanchez songs on repeat. Starting to write more, even though I'm in sort of a cocoon stage in my life. Mostly, I just feel really destructive and full of bad ideas. The partial solar eclipse in Scorpio occurred this morning, October 25th, at approximately 3:38am (AZ time).  Both this eclipse, and the total lunar eclipse in Taurus on November 8th, is making a lot of aspects within my chart. Most of them are good - the eclipse with be trine my Venus in Cancer (trine is the most harmonious aspect), and the actual eclipse is loosely conjunct my Moon and Pluto in Scorpio (a mixed bag), but unfortunately, the eclipse with be square (by degree) my Mars in Cancer. Squares always come with a little trouble. And the ruler of this eclipse, Mars, is tearing up my 1st House (Gemini) and is getting ready to station retrograde for another pass. As you may have guessed, the astrology for 4Q 2022 is pretty gnarly, so have fun out there.

"She Knows" by J.Cole (feat. Amber Coffman and Cults)

I'm up at 3:30am and - instead of lying in bed with my eyes closed, trying to sleep, like I do most work nights - I'm leaning into it. I can tell I have a high level of anxiety in my body. And I haven't written in a while. Haven't been able to gather the brain power, but I'll speak on that more later (in a very belated birthday post). I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here and as such, this post might be more stream of consciousness than anything I would normally put on this blog. It's not even much about the song, even though I know it's the inspiration that's getting me writing this morning. It's a banger that I keep hearing on Instagram reels. I decided to hunt down and listen to the full version on Spotify - best decision I've made in the past couple hours, mos def. 

Bad things happen to the people you love

And you find yourself praying up to heaven above

But honestly, I've never had much sympathy

'Cause those bad things, I always saw them coming for me

In about 24 hours, I'll be on a plane to Houston to go see the My Chemical Romance concert. An event I've been looking forward to for the last two and a half years. I bought the tickets the day I found out I was pregnant with my youngest, who will turn two in about two weeks. Yep, you did the math right - the original concert was supposed to happen when I was about 9-months pregnant. And yes, I was fully intending to go, belly and all. I couldn't tell you what I was thinking that day, but I can tell you I had been panicking and crying a lot. For various reasons, most of which were my own fault. The Universe (and the COVID-19 pandemic) had other plans and the timing actually worked out in my favor. Now, the concert is more like a little vacation for me than an overnight trip. It's supposed to be relaxing. But I'm anxious - about leaving my children, about flying (which I haven't done in over three years - even though I love flying usually), about the hotel reservations, about whether these new-fangled digital tickets will work when I get to the door, about getting out of a concert late at night in a strange city, about not going to work (I have taken very little PTO since I started....8 months ago)...you get the idea. There's a level of restlessness in my body that's hard to handle. And even though I spent all yesterday cleaning and our rental house is the tidiest I've seen it since we moved in, I find myself finding small, meaningless tasks to occupy my hands. 

I almost don't want to go, which is crazy. Not only did I (and my parents - the plane tickets were my birthday gift) spend a lot of money on this trip, but it's a once in a lifetime opportunity. I missed my chance when MCR was originally really big. I was in my late teens/early 20s and a broke college student - concerts weren't exactly in my budget, even though some really good ones passed through Pan-Am Center while I was at NMSU. And considering how much of my life has been dedicated to music, I don't go to concerts very often, and I wish I could. Adulthood, am I right? I can't stay home - I know I would regret it for the rest of my life. So, like I always do, I'm going to suck it up and push through, in spite of the anxiety and fear, because I have no other choice. I've never had any other choice.

Got me up so high, try and get a piece of that apple pie

I be up so high, try and get a piece of that apple pie

The weird thing about being on a healing/spiritual journey (what...you thought I was writing about music?) is that I'm painfully aware of my patterns. This one - a term coined by Gay Hendricks in his book, "The Big Leap" - is an Upper Limit Problem. Essentially, when something good is happening in our life, we find ways to sabotage it because we've been conditioned that we don't deserve good things, we don't deserve happiness. Our mind manufactures drama to bring us down from the high, to "safe" emotional levels. Mind you, these emotional levels might not even really be safe - our standard emotional level may be chronic depression, addiction, suicidal ideation, self-destruction, or high-functioning anxiety. There are a lot of good things in my life right now and even though I don't have everything I want, there's a lot to be grateful for. I try to remind myself of that every morning - yes, I have a gratitude practice where I write down three things I'm grateful for daily. It's a practice I've kept up for 650+ days straight (according to my app) - I started it shortly after my youngest was born, when I was in the depths of PPD. It helps - I'm a much happier person than I was back then. 

Which brings me to my Upper Limit Problem - I tend to get really anxious and fearful when I'm looking forward to something or I'm in a situation that makes me really happy. I know why this is - good things were always intertwined with anxiety and fear when I was growing up. Delicious food was always tainted with comments about my body or weight (same with nice, new clothes - hence why I don't often buy clothes for myself and certainly not the kind of clothes I want to wear); my dad being home would often mean overhearing scary arguments/fights and eventually, he would leave on deployment; a trip to Disneyland (or any other family vacation) could quickly turn south if my mom had a mood swing (which was pretty much every trip). I always got straight As, lead roles in theatre, solos in choir - but none of this ever came with praise. It barely even got attention, so if I seem weirded out by compliments and congratulations, it's because nothing I've ever done seemed to warrant it. The irony of my life is that I yearn to be seen and understood, yet actually getting what I want makes me deeply uncomfortable, even scared. And that leads to me downplaying it or fucking things up in some way. It's a large part of what stops me from seriously trying to publish my writing (a hurdle I'm still working through). And the truth is that - for a brief, shining moment in my life - I was able to forget some of those insecurities and fears. And I lost it, and I've been spending the last few years trying to get it back. A YouTube creator I follow explained the journey like a snow globe - if you want the pretty snow (or glitter), you have to be able to handle the shake-up. The shake-up is the hard part where you have to confront your triggers, fears, and insecurities and do the work to get past them. I suppose I'm still in the shake-up.

Only bad thing 'bout a star is they burn up

Rest in peace to Aaliyah

Rest in peace to Left Eye (Left Eye)

Michael Jackson, I'll see ya

Just as soon as I die (I die)

I've been listening to "She Knows" on repeat while I've been writing this. I said this post didn't really have anything to do with the song but, in it's own way, it describes the Upper Limit Problem. The singer is succeeding in one part of his life (his career) but totally messing up another part of his life (his relationship). He is so focused on his own stardom and playing a role - and he finds himself justifying the things he's doing. She knows....heck, she's probably even doing the same thing. Underneath it all, it's this very real fear that he doesn't deserve any of it - the career, the fame, the fortune, and a happy relationship. That he's not good enough for any of it, that he can't be what they want him to be.

Well, all right, oh, I, oh, I-I-I

I can't be what you want from me, well, all right

I don't know if any of the above made sense but thanks for reading this rant. I feel better now.

"She Knows" Video

"Black Swamp Village" by The Speakeasies' Swing Band

"Black Swamp Village" epitomizes my favorite elements of old school jazz. There's a dark sadness behind the music and the words, but it builds into a frenetic pitch, subverting expectations. A perfect back drop for today's topic - occult influence in dieselpunk.

Steampunk, as a genre, is highly focused on how technological developments would play out during that era. Dieselpunk has that focus on science, to a similar extent, but there's always a supernatural element to dieselpunk, too. There is this duality that is featured very heavily in dieselpunk - light vs dark, good vs evil-type stuff - which plays well with both these elements. In the genre, science and magic are both tools that can be used interchangeably - or often side-by-side - within this greater fight for the soul of humanity. One of the comics I like to read, "The Adventures of the 19XX," features both heavily, with science often enabling or enhancing the inherent power of magic. Magic - and by extension, the occult - is perceived as ancient and natural. As such, the effects are chaotic and cannot be controlled, only harnessed - in the right context, of course.

I went to the black swamp village

Where strange people live

I saw a scrawny drunk old man

Who gave me a flask to drink

He started speakin' unusually

Sounded kinda 'of' scared

He said listen to me carefully 'cause

I'll tell you something I never tell

I went to the cemetery

Where lies my dead wife

And believe me the graves were opened

And skulls and bones raised

To understand the occult in the context of The Great War Era, you have to consider where the genre falls historically. It is encompasses the space between two of the most violent wars in human history and, during it's core years, there's a both the height of economic prosperity and depths of economic devastation. Add onto it the rising influence of organized crime and the even darker ideology of Nazism, the populace looked to ancient knowledge and intuition for solace. To be honest, the period was not unlike what the world has been like since 2001. But I digress. There are many occult influences that converged during this time period to create a veritable smorgasbord of supernatural plots within the dieselpunk genre.

During the late 1800s, Spiritualism, a movement based on the belief that the spirits of the dead exist and have the capacity to speak to the living, had gained a level of popularity across both the United States and Europe. However, during the 1920s, three distinct branches of spiritualist beliefs began to emerge. Syncretism, which involves individual practitioners being loosely organized around a central figure (usually a medium), but without a set hierarchy or set of beliefs. Some adopted elements of theosophy - such as elements of Eastern religions, astrology, and ritual - whereas others combined their spiritualist beliefs with those of their Christian faith. The Spiritualist Church also evolved during this time. The Spiritualist Church sought to put a formal structure around spiritualist practices and provided education on their methods. The third branch evolved into the early foundations of parapsychology. The Society for Psychical Research (SPR, which still exists today) sought to investigate the claims of spiritualists. Through their research, they debunked many fraudulent mediums, which were rampant during a time when people wanted to know what had happened to their loved ones in the war.

During the 1920s, there was also a growing interest in the traditions of Ancient Egypt. In 1922, British archaeologist Howard Carter discovered the tomb of the pharoah Tutankhamun and "Tut-mania" took hold of the Western world. Fashion of the 1920s heavily featured scarab beetles, gold accents, and even hieroglyphics printed or embroidered onto various accessories and garments. Along with this interest in "desert garb" came rumors of curses and cursed objects. Tales of unfortunate endings for those who visited Tut's tomb swirled around parties. The Curse of the Pharaohs is believed to fall on anyone who disturbs the mummy of an Egyptian high-born person (especially pharaohs) and it does so indiscriminately, regardless of whether the intent was research or thievery. Several members of Carter's team died shortly after Tut's tomb was opened, adding fuel to the fire.

Finally, the first half of the 20th century saw the rise and fall of various occult and esoteric organizations, and the birth of many neo-pagan religions that still exist today. During the 1910s, Aleister Crowley began laying out the structure for Thelema and was a leader within the Ordo Templi Orientis (O.T.O.), which I was very intrigued to find out has a group here in San Antonio. The Law of Thelema was formally documented in "The Book of the Law," which was published in 1904. Gerald Gardner, considered the "Father of Wicca," began formulating the foundations of his new religion in the late 1930s and through the 1940s. And Victor Anderson, founder of the Feri tradition, was also initiated into witchcraft practice during this time. It should also be noted that Rosicrucianism was very popular during this time period and several well-known writers and poets were members of the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, to include Bram Stoker, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, and William Butler Yeats. Like the Mafia, secret societies like The Order of the Golden Dawn feature heavily as the big baddies in dieselpunk fiction that take on a more magical bent.

That's all for today. Some suggestions for dieselpunk media that encapsulates the use of occult influence within the genre are the Indiana Jones movies (because cursed objects belong in a museum!), "The Adventures of the 19XX" series by Paul Roman Martinez, "Small Town Witch: Love & Wonder" by Alex Singer and Jayd Ait-Kaci, and the works of H.P. Lovecraft.

"Black Swamp Village" Video

"MakeDamnSure" by Taking Back Sunday

I've been feeling a lot of heaviness these past couple of days. I'm going to try to lighten it up a bit (but not too much) because there's a little voice in my head saying "give in to the darkness." Thus, I've chosen a surprisingly catchy tune for today. I love this song and, while there is something disturbing about the lyrics (I'll get into why), I will be totally honest and just say I chose this song because it was stuck in my head. All. Day. Long. Which is funny, because I honestly don't think I'd heard it in several years, until it popped up on my YouTube recommendations on Sunday night. It would not be an exaggeration that I was obsessed with this song in the mid-2000s (or roughly around my freshman/sophomore year in college....TBS's "Louder Now" was released in April 2006). And the obsession has returned....

Speaking of obsession, this song reminds me a little bit of the Netflix show, "You," starring Penn Badgley. The show has been considered problematic because, while Joe Goldburg (Penn Badgley) is handsome, incredibly smart, and thoughtful, he is also a stalker. The show makes stalkers look sexy. Even for someone like myself who has had uncomfortable encounters where I was followed or had my personal space invaded - yes, even I was kind of wishing I had a Joe to stalk me. And I know he's dangerous - that's the thing about Joe. You know from the first episode that he is not a good guy....but he seems so endearing, sweet, and (dare I say it?) loving that you almost kind of want to pretend he didn't kidnap Beck's fuck buddy. Unrelated (but still kind of related) point: Penn Badgley has the most Scorpio I've ever fucking seen in a chart (5 Scorpio placements and a rumored Scorpio ascendent) which, according to astro-Twitter, makes him perfect for the role. And apparently, looking up celebrity charts is something I do now.

Yep, I have a type....Dashing but Dangerous

Just a brief summary of the show and I'll explain how that relates to the song, I promise. "You" centers around Joe's inner narrative after he has a "love at first sight" experience surrounding this girl, Beck. Instead of doing something normal, like asking her out, he immediately starts researching her, and then uses that research to slowly insinuate himself into her life and seduce her. And it works. Because, of course, it would. I think I've said it before on this blog but I would think it's romantic if someone wanted to know absolutely everything about me. Then that little voice in my head tells me "you're not that fucking interesting." Neither is Beck, by the way, it turns out. However, the way Joe talks about Beck in his head is almost like she's a science experiment, a puzzle to figure out, and/or a mythological creature to capture. Then you cut to the scenes where she's just being herself and she's just a normal girl doing normal girl things. Trying to be a writer in NYC even though she has this crushing feeling that she's terrible at it; dodging expensive gifts from self-righteous friends because she knows they come with strings attached; and asking herself why she gives in every time her fuck buddy decides he wants her company. So....yes. Yes, Joe looks like a savior to Beck, because he seems like he actually cares about her and she wants so desperately to be loved by somebody. But - and I haven't watched the whole series yet (however, I did peek ahead) - it doesn't end well for her.

You've got this new head filled up with smoke

And I've got my veins all tangled close

To the jukebox bars you frequent

The safest place to hide

A long night spent with your most obvious weakness

You start shaking at the thought

you are everything I want

'Cause you are everything I'm not

Let's move onto the song, shall we? The narrative of the song follows a similar line as "You." This average guy meets a girl that he knows is way out of his league. But he just wants to get close to her, be close to her, even if hanging out in the same places is all it ever is. He "trip[s] over everything" she says, because he's just so amazed she's talking to him, it's almost unreal. Then, in the second verse, against all reason - in spite of his lame "you are so cool" pick up line - it's implied that he gets her into bed. But after that, we don't really know what happens. Except in the bridge, he says he's going to "make damn sure that [she] can't ever leave." How does he do that, pray tell? Manipulation? Murder? "You won't ever get too far from me." I think that's the most chilling part. No matter what she does, she can't escape. But it's the chorus that really reminds me of Joe Goldburg the most. "I just want to break you down so badly." Like reverse engineering. You break something down until you have the component pieces to get a better understanding of the whole mechanism. Find out what makes her tick. It's not a painless process.

To round out this post, let's talk about an archetype that's more of a fictional trope: the wolf in sheep's clothing. Both "You" and "MakeDamnSure" make the main character (or singer) out to be a nice guy, when in fact their motivations are corrupt. The goal in both cases isn't love, but possession. Beck thinks she's making her own choices but the whole time, she's being manipulated into situations by Joe. Even the imagery in "MakeDamnSure" is reminiscent of Little Red Riding Hood, which we learned way back in September was a cautionary tale about unchecked sexual obsession. Unfortunately, the world is full of wolves in sheep's clothing because manipulation is a very effective tactic. When used effectively, the manipulator preys on our greatest weaknesses -  our need for social acceptance and praise, our motivation to succeed, and even our desire to be wanted or loved. If the wolf plays their cards right, they can have you crawling back for more (even after you've said enough's enough).

Questions to consider:

• What areas of your life don't you feel free in? Why not? What could you do to feel freedom again? And, the million dollar question, do you actually want freedom? (There are no wrong answers - if you're afraid your answer is not "socially acceptable," then that's something you need to look take a deeper look at.)
• What habits or obsessions are occupying your mind? Why? And are you handling them in a healthy way (e.g., taking a moment to meditate/clear your mind, focusing on something else, psychotherapy)?
• In your personal interactions, how often do you feel like you're being manipulated? Or how often do you find yourself manipulating others? 

“Do you know that one day I'll kill you? I won't do it because I'm no longer in love with you, or because I'm jealous, but—I'll just kill you for no better reason that I sometimes long to devour you.” - Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Gambler

"MakeDamnSure" Video

"Torn" by Edna Swap

Fun fact: The Natalia Imbruglia version of "Torn," (i.e., the most famous version) is a cover. I bet you haven't even heard the original, which is why I decided to feature it today. I tracked it down just to do a little musical education for myself, because I was going to use the Natalie version until I did my research. Turns out I really like the first pressing. Don't get me wrong - I love the Natalia Imbruglia version. I heard it on the radio a couple weeks ago, when I was riding around with my parents, and I think that was the first time I had really actually listened and understood the words. But Edna Swap's original, while a bit rougher around the edges, hits a little harder for me. Brings the meaning home, in a sense.

I have a tendency to idealize things. Especially people. Guess I was always looking for a savior - and I found several. Not just people, but situations, hopes, dreams. All with tons of potential. But they never measured up. Things eventually became imperfect, somehow, and that's what always broke my heart. That's what the song is about. Falling in love with the potential and then being disappointed with the reality. Afterwards, you just feel drained and empty. And oh so vulnerable. That's the worst part. Like you wasted your time, your love, your effort. Where do you go after that? Well, inwards obviously. To figure out what you needed saving from, for starters. An already disappointing life? What was so disappointing about it? A lot of people run towards fantasies to avoid the actual problems in their life. It's normal. American culture even encourages it a bit. But it's not healthy. And it won't make you happy.

This takes us back to The Lover archetype and its shadows. Both shadows (The Addicted Lover and The Impotent Lover) have a problem with idealizing others, which ultimately is a way to allocate personal responsibility from themselves and push it onto others. It manifests in the Addicted Lover as moving from person to person, passion to passion, searching for something that they can't seem to find. He'll stay engrossed until something breaks the illusion, then he'll drop it for something else, hoping it fills the void. On the flip side, the Impotent Lover may have found that ideal, that something he was looking for, and yet, feels powerless to pursue it. With perfection just out of his reach, disappointment shades everything else, making life seem dull. For a person who has not maximized The Lover's potential, they may shift between these two different poles. We sort of see what that looks like in the lyrics of "Torn." The man she met seemed perfect and wonderful. Then something happened and when she saw the reality of the situation - that who she wanted him to be is not who he was - she felt like a fool to allow herself to become so vulnerable. And she's surrendered to the inevitable. The fantasy has dissolved and she has to let it go because you can't go back to how things were before.

So I guess the fortune teller's right

I should have seen just what was there

And not some holy light

But you crawled beneath my veins and now

I don't care, I have no luck

I don't miss it all that much

There's just so many things

That I can't touch, I'm torn

So how do we deal with this aspect of the shadow? Well, as we've learned already, The Lover energy is all about staying present. Enjoying the sensations you're feeling but staying grounded in reality. To do that, you have to slow down and talk to yourself, especially when you feel like you're being carried away by a strong emotion. In the moment, ask yourself these questions:

• When you find yourself thinking everything is perfect: Am I idealizing this person or situation? If so, what am I idealizing and why? Assess before taking any next steps. 
• When you find yourself disappointed: What were my expectations? Were my expectations abnormally high? If not, did you communicate what your expectations were?
• When you're idealizing a person: Can you find anything you don't like? Are they flaws you can live with? In the first few months of a relationship, people tend to ignore red flags that would've indicated that it wasn't going to work out. Anger and trust issues. Different core values. Incompatible life goals. The things you find yourself shrugging off and tolerating in the beginning are usually the reasons why the relationship ends. 
• When you're idealizing a situation: What is actually happening here? How does the situation look from an outside perspective? Find a friend who is willing to be honest and take note of how you react to what they say. If you find yourself getting defensive, that's a big indicator that you're trying to protect your fantasy and you need to step back.

The above advice may seem kind of cynical, especially when it comes to relationships. But, as someone who has jumped into many situations without taking my own advice (or the advice of others), slowing down does make a difference. I had a friend tell me once that I was always running when she saw me. I've always felt this urgency. Everything has to happen now, or else it won't happen. The fear of missing out. Word to the wise - missing out on something not the worst thing that could happen. Because what happens when that thing or person you're running towards turns out not to be worth it? Well, it turns into just another lesson on your journey and, hopefully, you're better for the experience.

“Why, if it was an illusion, not praise the catastrophe, whatever it was, that destroyed illusion and put truth in it's place?” - Virginia Woolf

"Torn" Video

"Awaken" by League of Legends feat. Valerie Broussard and Ray Chen

Beats Per Minute: Unknown, but probably in the 130-140 range
Perfect for: Sifting through your thoughts while in motion

I've been consuming a lot of occult/metaphysical materials lately (books, articles, videos, poems, etc.) and my runs have become the most opportune time to let the information synthesize and consolidate within my mind. I've kind of just let the path form itself. One idea leads me to look for another, a sentence sparks a curiosity, an article points to another reference....and so on and so forth. No rhyme or reason. But it's all connected, that's always been abundantly clear. Sometimes, it makes sense, the pieces fit together nicely. Other times, the edges are jagged and don't fit perfectly. Like I'm missing something. Which leads down another string. And so on and so forth. This song reminds me of that itching obsession I've always had. That interest in the shadowy Otherworld that hangs at the edges of the mundane. In the things that always seemed illogical to everyone except me. Of course, the more I search, the more people I find who share this same sort of "calling." I'm not the only woman my age who has an affinity for Lilith and Eris. Or who thinks there's something more to astrology than society wants us to believe. I find it very comforting. Yes, there's a lot of craziness out there and I take everything with a grain of salt. Research, both for my writing and my own understanding, has been critical in every step I take. I've learned a lot - and there's a lot more to learn - but I've developed some basic understandings that have helped me on my journey. During this period of immense learning, there are some spiritual practices I've adopted that have been beneficial. For example, I've taken up a yoga practice, which I've been doing a lot more in lieu of running while I rest.

My current yoga practice is specifically Kundalini Yoga, which I chose after doing a Yoga Magazine flowchart of all the styles to find out what type would be best for me to try. I like Kundalini Yoga because it combines almost all the elements of yogic teachings - tantric philosophy, mudras (hand poses), pranayama (rhythmic breathing), meditation, chants, kriyas (movement), and shavasana ("corpse pose," commonly used in yoga for relaxation). And, at the end, there's a little song that we sing. It's my favorite part of the set, not because it denotes the end of what is usually a challenging workout, but because I love to sing. I've taken Hatha Yoga classes before, but so far, I like Kundalini better. The actual kriya portion usually isn't very long - only about 20-30 minutes - but it usually kicks my ass, because the poses require more flexibility and the increased movement is more athletic than traditional yoga. During all this, you have to pay attention to the rhythm of the music, sometimes a specific chant (in Sanskrit), and a specific breathing pattern. As a result, my mind is usually pretty clear by the time the meditation section starts. All that was just background. Last Friday, when I did my session, I was still kind of angry from the events of the day. Even so, during the anahata meditation, in between angry rumblings came a vision. And the vision went like this....

There was this field of green - the kind of green I've only seen in pictures of Ireland, so something tells me it was Ireland. There's beautiful woman with black hair wearing a blue dress. There's also a handsome red-haired man wearing armor. He's holding her and they're saying goodbye. They kiss and he gets on a brown horse and rides off to join a stream of similarly armored men. She stands and watches him leave. I have a feeling he never comes back. End.

As I've said before, these "visions" (or flashes of inspiration, as they might be) usually come to me randomly, usually while I'm listening to music. I had a weird feeling that the black-haired woman was me, even though she didn't really look like me. I waver between believing in past lives - sometimes, I feel so old that I feel I must've lived a thousand times before. But then I remember that having a lot of past lives means I'm consistently fucking something up. I mean - I probably am fucking something up but I have no clue what it is. Or it could've just been a random image my brain made up - I'll probably use it in a story somewhere along the way. There's not much to it, so I'll have to think of where it fits in. It seemed like the man was going off to war, so "Awaken" would be a good musical backdrop for that story. I've been working on outlining an idea for a high fantasy novel, so I've been listening to, and looking for, good epic-style music as inspiration while I build it out.

So all you restless

Each night you hear the drums of war

Awaken, awaken

The voice begins to call you while you hunger

A taste of destiny you're searching for

Awaken, awaken

The fight is at your door, take up the cause

Another League of Legends song, this time featuring Valerie Broussard for vocals and Ray Chen for the violin music. Valerie Broussard is quickly becoming one of my favorite artists for both her deep, sultry alto voice and the content of her songs. Most of her songs that I've found deal with esoteric concepts, especially the dark and the dangerous aspects of humanity. As such, her songs have been featured on paranormal shows like "Lucifer" and "The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina." Think Lana Del Rey, only more vengeful and prefers to wear all black. Kind of like how Scorpio is just the goth version of Virgo. (Seriously, google this - in astrological mythology, Virgo is the Light/Logical version and Scorpio is the Dark/Emotional version, which is why Libra is between them to maintain the balance.) I say that as a good thing - I like Lana Del Rey, but her songs make me sad, even when they're supposed to be about happy things. Yes, I have a Lana Del Rey rant brewing but I think her songs will fit in better next month.

Book Recommendation Inspired by Today's Rant: "Ascension Magick" by Christopher Penczak
--- As I was starting to get a little lost in the spiritual/occult corner of the Internet, Chris Penczak put out his latest book, which analyzes a lot of the concepts I was finding myself drawn to. Penczak is a noted teacher and author within the witchcraft community. I've read a few of his other books and I trust him to treat the subject matter with better judgement than some of the other "interesting" characters out there on the Internet.

"Awaken" Video

"I Did Something Bad" by Taylor Swift

One of my son's favorite music videos is Taylor Swift's "...Ready for It?" It's a fairly interesting video visually - T-Swift is always intensely involved with the video creation process, down to the idea. Whatever you think of her, the girl definitely has a vision to go along with that voice. "...Ready for It?" is set in a sort of post-apocalyptic cyber punk world, which is why the following image always confused and intrigued me.....

If you look at the graffiti on the stairs (inside what clearly used to be a mall), it says "They're Burning All the Witches." This phrase seemed oddly out of place among the robots and ruins surrounding Taylor. In the video, there's a version of Taylor Swift that's trapped in a glass box (her metaphors aren't so subtle) but she can clearly do amazing things, like change shapes and make electricity come out of her fingertips. Another version of Taylor - wearing dark clothes, face hidden in the shadows of a hoodie - walks up to the box and when their hands meet across the glass, it's implied that the two merge, becoming an otherworldly being of immense power. The video is fucking trippy, almost as crazy as the "Bad Blood" video. Her music videos are works of art in their own right, deserving fo an entire post about the brilliant cinematography and my interpretations of the stories behind them. This is not that post.

Back to the witches and the burning...That phrase finally made sense when I listened to other songs on her latest album, "Reputation" (which is a masterpiece - even better than 1989 - and is currently on my "Vinyls I Need to Own" wish list).  She repeats the phrase over and over during the bridge of "I Did Something Bad." This happens to be my favorite part of the song, so I'll take the opportunity to share the lyrics here:

They're burning all the witches, even if you aren't one

They got their pitchforks and proof

Their receipts and reasons

They're burning all the witches, even if you aren't one

So light me up (light me up), light me up (light me up)

Light me up, go ahead and light me up (light me up)

Light me up (light me up), light me up (light me up)

Light me up (light me up), light me up (light me up)

I think her message is pretty clear here. If people are going to judge her, she's going to be who she is. No matter how "bad" that is. I've been going over a lot of my witchcraft books (because I haven't fully read a lot of them), and a continuing theme in them is this idea of authenticity and your True Will. A lot of times, magic doesn't work because we're not aligned with our True Will. Part of aligning is being in touch with your inner truth and being clear about your desires. This is why shadow work is so important - it strips away layers and layers of thought patterns and beliefs that don't serve you. That don't help you to grow and keep you from being the best version of yourself. And, believe me, Taylor Swift knows a little something about doing shadow work.

If you've been following Taylor Swift as long as I have, you may remember that she used to be a lot more milquetoast. Typical white girl from the 'burbs, who happens to play guitar. And then life hit her and she had to grow some teeth. Everyone knows about the whole Kanye incident and, yes, that is a contributing factor. Surprisingly, though, I don't think that's the thing that really messed her up. Throughout her songs, there is this shadow of a man who clearly did a number on her. Lied, cheated, used her for her money - any number of things that can ruin your ability to trust in future relationships. I have my theories, as I've said, but I'll save those for another day. Suffice it to say that young Taylor had to learn to cope and her initial reaction was to adopt some of the same behaviors that others had used to cause damage to her psyche. Here we go - let's talk about Narcissism and narcissistic behaviors, because those are hard to identify when we're close to the situation but are the main predictors of future abuse. Taylor said it herself - I never trust a narcissist but they love me. Let's examine what that means in more depth.

During National Women's Month, we're often reminded about violence against women but we hardly ever talk about violence from women. However, the cycle of abuse can be endless, and it's common for the abused to become the abusers, especially if they aren't self-aware. I think that's an important thing to stress - antisocial behaviors are usually learned. I was thinking about narcissistic behavior this morning because I found myself thinking about my mom. I wish I didn't think about it so much but I do and it's something I'm still working through. It's part of the whole Tea with my Demons thing - I have one named Mommy Issues. She's a pale, skinny 8-year-old with long, impossibly straight black hair, who spends way too much time hiding in closets with her dog. She's the reason I don't like yelling and freeze up occasionally when people toss things around, even when it's not in a threatening way.

I have to confess something - I didn't realize my mom's behavior was abusive until I took a Psychology of Women course at university. I thought it was normal to be yelled at every day. I thought it was normal to feel isolated all the time because she wouldn't let friends come over. I thought it was normal to prefer being at school for 12 hours a day, rather than going home. I thought it was normal to walk on eggshells, terrified that any wrong move would set off her anger - only I never knew what the "wrong moves" were. I thought that it was being a good daughter to make sure her needs were met while sublimating my own. Then, when she apologized and was all loving, everything was okay again....until the next thing set her off. That's how narcissists get you. They want to keep you isolated and doubting yourself, because that's how they maintain control. If they start to lose control, they do one of two things: they get scary angry; or they pretend that they've changed until you feel comfortable again, and then they return to their old behaviors.

Narcissists are extremely skilled at getting you to trust them and make you feel dependent on them so that, by the time they start showing who they really are, you are unable to walk away....at least, not easily. Not without some pain, either legally, financially or - and this must be stressed - physically. Anything you tell them in confidence can be used as a weapon against you. And then they play mind games, like gaslighting, which is when they tell you one thing and when you bring it up, they say something else and then act like you're the idiot when you challenge them on it. You start to think you're going crazy or you just don't have a good memory. They act like you're a projection of them, so they criticize how you look or the way you dress. That's the thing that always hurt the most - it took me a long time to feel okay with trying clothes on because, no matter what I tried on, my mom said it didn't look good on me. Or that she'd be embarrassed if I wore certain clothes when we went out. I wore full makeup through most of high school because she said I wasn't pretty without it. I could go on but I don't want to get lost in this pity party, because the truth is, I've worked through a lot of those self-esteem and self-worth issues....

But I also got away. The best thing that happened to me was going to a university in another state. A lot of people aren't as lucky. Some people can't put a state between themselves and a narcissistic person. Some people didn't have a best friend in high school whose parents didn't mind if you crashed the night after a big fight at home. And some people didn't take a million psychology classes to recognize when someone is putting them through serious emotional and psychological abuse. I joke a lot that my Psychology degree is useless but I use it every day. I use it to check my own actions and behavior, because I don't want my son to have the childhood I had. He deserves better. I deserved better. And I want him to learn that everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness, so I have to demonstrate that every day, in all my interactions. I also talk about psychology with my coworker a lot. Despite not having a psych degree, she's pretty astute at reading people and she's caught on to a lot of people's neuroses just through interacting with different types of folks throughout her career. I like to think she appreciates the detached, academic side that I bring to the conversation. I hate to treat my mom as a case study but it helps, in a way - and now that she's gotten treatment, I've learned a lot of lessons on compassion and forgiveness. Anyway, I think I've rambled on enough. I know this wasn't the cheeriest of posts but I hope my experience helps someone out there. Resources: "How to Spot Narcissistic Abuse" and "11 Signs You're the Victim of Narcissistic Abuse."

Side Note: For some reason, the audio seems weird on all the YouTube videos I looked at. I'm not sure if there's two different recordings but I prefer the album version (which is the one on Spotify, where I first heard it). This version isn't bad, but I feel like the breathy way she's singing doesn't do justice to her talent.

"I Did Something Bad" Video

"A Little Wicked" by Valerie Broussard

Happy New Moon, y'all! I've been exhausted the last two days and went to bed early....so I'm making up for it today with a SUPER RANT!!! Otherwise known as me ranting about two completely separate topics because, even though I was down for the count, my mind was in overdrive, like always. First, let's talk astrology, because some crazy shit is happening this month. Seriously - if you look at Llewellyn's astrology calendar, March is jam-packed full of events, only a few of which I'll be breaking down today. Because, much like Constantine, I consider myself a "petty dabbler in the Dark Arts." Just a quick disclaimer - I am NOT an astrologer, just an amateur enthusiast that's been doing a lot of research lately because it struck my fancy. I'm relating my best understanding of astrological events and impacts but some (or all) of it might be total bullshit. Please be kind if you have corrections.

As you may be aware, we are currently in Mercury Retrograde, which officially started yesterday but the pre-shadow period (if you believe in that) started February 19th. I, for one, have burned myself several times within the last week, as well as sent out numerous mass emails that had at least one glaring typo. If you know anything about me, you know that typos just don't "happen" to me, especially on mass emails. I proofread my own shit multiple times and for these particular emails, I also had my team proofread them for me - and they still missed obvious mistakes! You may have also noticed that the Universe is pulling receipts on quite a few people. This might have less to do with the Retrograde, and more to do with the bigger astro-event that happened yesterday. In case you haven't heard, Uranus moved into Taurus and we're about to head into some crazy times. If you thought the last few years were crazy, we ain't seen nothing yet. And I, for one, am so ready for it.

So, check it - Taurus is the sign most about stability and solidness. Stubborn-ness and the fear/inability to change are hallmarks of this sign. However, Uranus, the Great Awakener and bringer of change, is going to shake things up a bit. If you've been content with the status quo for the last few years, you're about to get real uncomfortable with it. Uranus is going to reveal the cracks in the foundation of a lot of things, and things that aren't built on a stable ground are going to crumble. Businesses, relationships, houses, institutions, ideas - whatever isn't strong is about change drastically. Uranus briefly entered Taurus beginning in May 2018 but went retrograde back into Aries at the end of August 2018. During that May-August timeframe, you probably got a taste of what Uranus in Taurus has in store for you. Perhaps you changed careers, met someone new, became interested in a new hobby, or launched a business - looking back at May 2018 may help you prepare for the changes that are ahead. Another thing that Taurus is going to bring about is a renewed preference for authenticity, honesty, and freedom. Being fake, lying, and staying in situations that make us feel trapped aren't going to work out so well for people from now until 2026 (from what I gather, that 8 years is when we're in the post-shadow of Uranus in Aries - Aries is about speed and power, so a lot of changes may happen really quick).

To better understand what Uranus in Taurus will bring for you, it's important to know what house Taurus falls in your chart and what house Uranus transits. For example, if Taurus rules the 7th House (House of Partnerships) in your chart, you may have a divorce (or a marriage) and faulty (or lucky) business dealings in your future. Possibly the same situation if you have Uranus transits your 7th House (which it does for me). In my chart, Taurus rules the 12th House (House of the Subconscious), which has to do with secrets, intuition, and the subconscious mind. It could be contributing to my renewed interest in the occult and arcane, which was kind of dormant for the past couple of years. It's always been there but I've been feeling more drawn to find like-minded folks in the past year. Moving on, the retrograde in Aries has been a time of preparation for the upcoming changes. The Cardinal signs (Aries, Cancer, Libra, Capricorn) have been planning and plotting out their chess pieces, as is their nature. The Mutable signs (Gemini, Virgo, Sagittarius, Pisces) have been just rolling with it, as they do with everything. But those poor, poor Fixed signs (Taurus, Leo, Scorpio, Aquarius) are in for a rude awakening. These signs do not like change and unfortunately, Uranus is going to cause the most chaos for these signs. And the Universe likes to fuck with anything that resists it. This Mercury Retrograde in Pisces gives us a brief reprieve to reflect, review, and regroup. Pisces rules over dreams and the imagination and, if Uranus in Taurus is going to be changing everything anyway, it's important to get really clear with the Universe about what you want. Because it might be coming. No Dream is to big, or Impossible. You want to write a book (like I do), start writing that book. You want to break into your dream career, start making those moves. When change rolls in, it's important to know that the Universe has your Highest Good in mind. It's a time to have Faith. So just breathe into the chaos, my friends. It's gonna be okay.

No one calls you honey when you're sitting on a throne

No one calls you honey when you're sitting on a throne

Beware the patient woman, 'cause this much I know

No one calls you honey when you're sitting on a throne

One of these days a comin', I'm gonna to take that boy's crown

There's a serpent in these still waters, lying deep down

To that King I will bow, at least for now

One of these days a comin', I'm gonna to take that boy's crown

'Cause I am, I am

A Little Wicked

I am, yes, I am

Hands red, hands red

Just like you said

I am, A Little Wicked

That astrology rant was longer than I thought it was going to be. Astrology is like a good conspiracy theory - the more you read/research it, the more sense it makes. You can't un-see the things you've seen, man! Okay, seriously, I'm done and I'm slowly climbing my way out of the crazy pool now. Today's song was the ending song for Episode 10 of "The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (CAOS)." It starts when Sabrina is breaking up with Harvey because she's made a decision (that she made to save him) that shows her that she needs to put him at a distance for his own good. After she chooses to commit herself to The Church of Night, she fully embraces her witch life and it's not safe to take her human friends down that dark path. I couldn't sleep on Saturday night, so I finally finished the whole series. OMG it's sooooo good! The cinematography, the story, the music, the acting - sure, Netflix fucked up "Hemlock Grove," but they made up for it with "Sabrina."

One of the common complaints about CAOS was that it was heavy-handed with the feminist overtones. Um, yeah...that was for a reason, dumbasses....Do y'all not get satire? The great thing about CAOS is that the main character is a female and the main villain is....also female. And all the female characters in between are diverse and unique characters, with their own motivations and goals. We in the theatre world call that good writing. Honestly, the satire was a lot heavier in terms of the religious aspects. The Church of Night is essentially a caricature of the Catholic Church, complete with outdated (and sometimes barbaric) rituals and corrupt leadership. When you understand all the nuances, CAOS becomes a simple coming of age story. Girl with the proverbial heart of gold, torn between two conflicting ideals, must find a way to make both of them work for her. Sometimes, she fucks up spectacularly and people get hurt. However, the thing I love about Sabrina is that she always makes choices from her heart. Being born on October 31st, that makes her a Scorpio, which means her main motivator is her feelings - unfortunately, it's also a fixed sign which means she often keeps trying to do the same thing expecting different results. This comes to a head in the final episode when, yet again, she tries to help Harvey using magic, which he has repeatedly told her that he doesn't want to be involved with. Their last interaction of the episode was literally him telling her, "Thank you, but don't ever fucking try to help me with magic again."

I've decided this song is my 2019 energy. (Just a warning - I'm probably going to say that multiple times this month). Not only is the sound kind of eerie (I think that's because it's in a minor key), but it's also about a woman who knows what she wants and is willing to wait as long as necessary for it to happen. The bitch singing this for sure is going to be queen someday - and woe betide anyone who gets in her way. It's funny - I was talking to my team about vengeance last week. My coworker said she could definitely see me taking revenge out on someone and my response was, "I'm a Cancer....my idea of revenge is watching and waiting until the person destroys themselves." Yeah, Cancers are up there on the list of signs who are good at holding a grudge. And, as far as Initiators go, we're probably the most patient with these things. But that also makes us the most persistent, so persistent, that eventually, we always get what we want. (More on this later, when we talk about a recent Ariana Grande song). Coincidentally, my favorite lyric in the song is this - Beware the patient woman, 'cause this much I know, No one calls you honey when you're sitting on a throne.

"A Little Wicked" Video

"Creep" by Radiohead (as performed by Scala & Kolacny Brothers)

I'm kind of writing this later than I had planned. It turned out to be a crazy, exhausting weekend. Blame it on the eclipse. Or the Super Blood Wolf Moon, or whatever the fuck they were calling it on social media. Radiohead - and specifically Thom Yorke - hate "Creep." They get tired of playing it, which I can understand. Ironically, though, it's the song that will prove to make them immortal. That's the secret to immortality, guys. Make something beautiful. I figured that out in my early 20s. I'm pretty sure I have a ranty journal entry on it somewhere....or perhaps I waxed poetic about it in my Medieval Philosophy notes, which I kept because I had some pretty fantastic doodles illustrating philosophical concepts. And I'm pretty sure, on one of those college-ruled pages, will be the lyrics to "Creep" in my very careful cursive writing. Because I love this song. It's up there with "Iris." My favorite version is the Postmodern Jukebox cover with Haley Reinhart's vocals, but that's because she has an amazing voice and I'm a sucker for Big Band music. This particular cover was featured in the trailer for "The Social Network." I guess to underscore how unique and special Mark Zuckerberg feels like he is. But that's a soapbox lecture for another day.

I think why I - and so many others - identify with "Creep" is that it gets to the core wound of humanity. We all feel so damned unlovable. That's what this whole song is about. He could be singing about anyone on the street. And although the band admits the lyrics are about a girl that Thom Yorke followed around while she was at college, it doesn't necessarily have to be about an object of romantic interest. Because it's about feeling like a stranger even when amongst your closest friends, or feeling indescribably lonely even when you're in a crowd of people. A feeling I am well acquainted with. To feel both weird but also insanely ordinary at the same time....it's maddening. What makes it worse is that I'm so good at playing it cool, most of the time. Most people thought I was quiet because I was a snob in high school. More than once, people have described me as cold and unemotional. Except that I'm not. In some ways, I feel like I'm more emotional than other people. I'm empathic, or otherwise incredibly adept at picking up other people's emotions. I had to be while I was growing up - most children from abusive and neglectful homes are. It's a survival tactic. And I'm also good at knowing when people are lying to me...but it turns out everyone is lying about something. Which leads to me feeling like I'm being gaslighted all the time. So either I'm insane or everybody else is....which is better? I just don't care anymore.

I don't care if it hurts

I want to have control

I want a perfect body

I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice

When I'm not around

You're so fuckin' special

I wish I was special

That's my favorite verse. I don't know why but it resonates. I know it's all about control. I spent years trying to attain the "perfect body" but eating was just something I could control in my very chaotic world. Now I wonder if I'm using the chase for a "perfect soul" to do the same thing now. Lately, when I get deep into my feels and end up in a personal pity party, I keep finding a random ladybug. Symbolically, ladybugs signify good fortune ahead and that your wishes are manifesting. So I don't know if the Universe is trying to tell me to keep having faith....or if the Universe is just taunting me. Go ahead....keep believing in those impossible things. Hope is a dangerous thing. That was the moral of the last "Flash" episode I watched. Of course, that episode had a happy ending for the person Barry was trying to help, because that's the point of "Flash." He had a pretty shitty childhood, arguably shittier than Batman because he wasn't even born a billionaire, but the Flash is still optimistic, still believes that people are fundamentally good. That people deserve to be loved, even at their worst, even when they don't believe they deserve it. Of course, I believe that, too.

I guess it's pretty obvious at this point that I didn't have a plan when I started writing this post. Just playing with free association until I get to some sort of Truth. I guess that Truth would be....we all feel like "creeps" once in awhile. If you're following a pretty girl around your college campus, you're probably taking it just a wee bit too far, but that doesn't make you a terrible person. I wish I could say it gets better but even after facing down my demons, I feel unlovable and unloved. I know it isn't true....at least, I don't think it is. I don't know. I've spent a lot of my quiet moments today thinking on the people I've known and the choices I've made that have led me up to this exact point in my life. And the truth is I don't know a damn thing. Except for music. I do have pretty good taste in music. Most of the time. Anyway, before I went off my tangent, I was talking about the song. Scala & Kolacny Brothers is a Belgian women's choir known for making covers of alternative rock music like Radiohead and Nirvana. Like all women's choral music, it sounds like angels are singing. Having been in several choirs, I know how difficult it is to translate contemporary music into the complex arrangement you hear in this version. But it's worth it. Including the original because - as I've mentioned - it's doomed to be an immortal classic.

Scala and Kolacny Brothers Version

Radiohead Version

breathin" by Ariana Grande

In a recent interview, Ariana Grande said that 2018 was both the best year of her life...and the worst. All I can say is...Ari, I'm right there with you. I think a lot of people are. And while most people haven't had as crazy a year as Grande has had (recovering from the trauma of a terrorist attack at one of her concerts, getting engaged, losing someone she loved to an overdose, getting un-engaged - all while churning out chart-toppers), there seems to be this atmosphere hanging in the air. That this was supposed to be a year of trials, tribulations, and transformation. I've been hanging around on Twitter a lot lately (a lot more than I had been the last couple of months) and - perhaps it's just the people I follow - but there's been a lot of "2018 year kind of sucked but I grew a lot as a person and that's awesome" stuff going around. Along with this seems to be an undercurrent of "2019 is going to be a-mazing." And while we always seem to think that around the New Year before it turns into same shit, different week...I'm hopeful. Who knows? Maybe 2019 really will be amazing.

I have plans, though. Lots of plans, because I do see the new year as an opportunity to start over, in some ways. To renew motivation. To refocus on what's important. Because, sometimes, that's all you can do. So, in addition to my perennial resolution to become a member of the Illuminati (which I make every year, because that should be everyone's goal), I'm expanding on my yearly motto of Read More, Write More, Move More, Be More.....and now, Love More. I'm going to try to be more present for my family, and more understanding and patient. With them and myself. I'm going to keep writing and try to be more effective with the few hours I have a week to devote to my projects. I plan to continue and expand my yoga practice (something I've taken up recently that I've found helps with the existential dread). Cook more and eat a more plant-based diet (The Husband is not very happy with this so we're not going completely vegetarian....for now). And then the usual business of continuing to be awesome at my job, being a good leader, and maintaining my current pace of constant learning. Which is exhausting, but incredibly rewarding when I look back at how far I've come.

Some days, things just take way too much of my energy

I look up and the whole room's spinning

You take my cares away

I can so overcomplicate, people tell me to medicate

Feel my blood runnin', swear the sky's fallin'

How do I know if this shit's fabricated?

Time goes by and I can't control my mind

Don't know what else to try, but you tell me every time

Just keep breathin' and breathin' and breathin' and breathin'

And oh, I gotta keep, keep on breathin'

Just keep breathin' and breathin' and breathin' and breathin'

And oh, I gotta keep, keep on breathin'

Lately, I've been having these moments of soul-wrenching pain. And by pain, I mean mental anguish...but I also feel it in my heart as well. But it's fine - they last 5 to 10 minutes at most. They might go away eventually....or I might keep having them until I die. I've accepted this - I have a sinking feeling that it's the latter, but I'll keep hoping. Anyway, I have this ridiculous theory that tears make your eyelashes grow longer so, really, weeping for no good reason (or for reasons that cannot be fully articulated or even understood) is an integral part of my beauty routine. As I said, these moments are temporary and the way to get through them is to stop. Keep breathing. And remember everything I have to be grateful and happy for. I'm a different person than I was a year ago. Despite all my failures and faults this year, I've become a better version of myself. And isn't that the purpose of a resolution? To make a conscious decision to better than you were before? Well, I'm going to take a page out of Neil Gaiman's book and make some new mistakes next year. Some really good, imaginative, spectacular mistakes. Because I'm still trying, damn it, and that's all anyone can expect from me. I'm putting in the effort, I'm putting in the work.

Some notes on the song - As you might've been able to guess, "breathin" is about Ariana Grande's struggle with anxiety, which got considerably worse (understandably) after the Manchester Bombing. Grande was diagnosed with PTSD shortly after a suicide bomber killed 23 people leaving one of her concerts. She has been very open about the feelings of guilt and pain and grief that she's experienced after this event. Unfortunately, this has led to quite a bit of public scrutiny. I think it's important to remember that we can't really judge other people's experiences or how they deal with them. It's not easy to tell when someone is struggling with anxiety or PTSD or depression - some people are more adept at hiding mental illness because they feel like they have to. On the flip side, society has this idea that mental illness should be obvious - that you should be breaking down in tears if you're really feeling sad. But really, the most common signs of these illnesses are being withdrawn and exhausted all the time, which seems to be the American Millennial's red badge of courage. However, this seems to be changing. Taking time for yourself is not selfish, but essential in order to be able to contribute your best to the world. There's a number of women younger than me (all around 23-27) that I really admire because it seems they've figured out things (like the aforementioned truisms) that took me three decades to even begin to learn. I wish I had understood when I was in my 20s, but there's a lesson in that, too. It's never too late.

Happy New Year, my friends! I hope your 2019 is everything you imagine it will be!

"breathin" Video

"Natural" by Imagine Dragons

"You're a natural." I can't tell you how many times someone has told me that. I was thinking about that other day - the things I believe I'm good at, someone told me I was good at them and magically, I was. Singing. Acting. Writing. Math. A lot of things. And I wonder sometimes - was I actually naturally good at these things or did someone just say something encouraging and I rose to meet their expectations? Which has got me thinking - Can you believe yourself into being successful at something? Research says......yes! You absolutely can! And I know on some level, people understand this because they encourage their children and other people, but we don't really do this for ourselves. In fact, we do the opposite. We tell ourselves we're not good enough, that we're wasting our time, that other people are better and we couldn't possibly measure up. I'm starting to realize that's just a really convenient excuse not to do the work. That's what it comes down to - you got to do the work. Physically and psychologically, you just got to do it or else nothing happens.

I've been reading a lot of books/articles about writing and writer's processes. Especially for my favorite authors. One of the most recommended books for beginning writers to read is "On Writing" by Steven King. From the very beginning - like when he was a kid - King told himself "this is what I want to do" and it was irrelevant if he sucked, because that's what he wanted to do. At some point, all the "great" artists had a shitty (or not so shitty) day job or some other obstacle that they had to overcome, while simultaneously writing their masterpieces. And - at some point - they all had a period where they felt like they couldn't do it anymore. Like, what's the point? Why am I bothering? During these periods, they might have succumbed to the all too human call of doubt and depression - some of them turned to addiction, lethargy or some other form of self-destruction. But, at some point in this darkness, they make the choice to start again. And that's when the magic happens.

I'm starting to realize I don't really know how things work. Do limitless possibilities really exist? How do we get from one place to another? Can seemingly impossible, immovable things be changed? If so, then how? I don't know. But I want to. Desperately. And, sometimes, I get a glimpse of understanding about what I need to do to make things happen, to change direction. When I look back on my life, it doesn't make any sense how I got here. However, I am starting to really understand one thing about myself. I am water. I make my own path. And god damn right I'm a Natural, at everything and anything I want to be a Natural at.

Will somebody

Let me see the light within the dark trees' shadows and

What's happenin'?

Lookin' through the glass find the wrong within the past knowin'

We are the youth

Cut until it bleeds, inside a world without the peace facing

A bit of the truth, the truth

Side tangent on a somewhat related note - this song reminds me of The Caster Chronicles (i.e., the book series that starts with "Beautiful Creatures"). I liked this book series because it was a paranormal romance but the main POV was the non-magical boy who falls in love with a magical girl. It was interesting, because it's usually the reverse - most paranormal romances have the girl as the main character. Anyway, in the books, Casters (which is what they call Witches in this book universe) usually only have one or two very specific powers. However, Lena Duchannes (the magical girl in question) is what they call a Natural - a Caster with amplified powers who can do pretty much anything with their powers. They don't have limits, except the ones they put on themselves. They are virtually omnipotent, which makes sense because their powers are almost god-like.

I mention this because the video for "Natural" has some occult influences. Or maybe they were just trying to be spooky. It was shot in an antebellum mansion and features mysterious people in either black or white. There's other symbolism - like the three crows, the moon in the background, the light bulb turning on but not fully illuminating anything. During the course of the video, we see a girl (a witch?) go through a sort of initiatory rite of ego death and rebirth - both a personal one (in the bathtub) and a public one (being buried). In a lot of secret societies, there's usually an initiation that mimics death and rebirth. For example, in the Skull & Bones, new recruits are placed in coffins at the start. In other groups, people are locked in a dark room or their heads are covered with black veils so that they can't see. Even in Christianity, baptism is just a simulation of rebirth. This is an important theme to humanity it seems - that you have to die, walk through the Underworld, and be reborn. It's bad enough we have to do that shit every lifetime, now we have to pretend to do it in real life? That shit's exhausting, folks. But it's important - we see a similar ritual in pretty much all cultures, historical and modern. It marks transformation and afterwards, you can't go back to being the same person you were. That person is dead.

I'm exhausted. Obviously, I've been thinking too much. Always thinking. Always in my head. At least it's a pretty fucking interesting place to be - well, I think so anyway. Final thought - this song makes me feel like I could burn down the world and then walk through the fire. Scary as that sounds, it's a good feeling. Video is below. Enjoy!

"Natural" Video