"Snuff" by Slipknot

So, I caved and joined Reddit. Initially, it was to share any notable Randonauting experiences I had but I found myself quickly jumping into conversations in the witchcraft, tarot, and astrology subreddits. I've learned two things - 1. Maybe I actually know a little something about these topics and 2. Too many people want to use witchcraft/tarot/astrology for things that require either therapy, communication, or both. Yes, spirituality and New Age concepts can be powerful tools for cultivating self-awareness and enhancing one's quality of life but you still need to do the work - the "work" being analyzing your subconscious programming and patterns and using the knowledge to actively change your behavior for the better. I've also been hanging around the music and writing subreddits for inspiration. I've been working on a short story (eh...more of a novella) inspired by "Horror of Our Love," tentatively titled "The Beast of South Boston." Apparently, the genre I gravitate towards writing is Horror/Paranormal Romance, so I've been looking for music that inspires that kind of vibe. Naturally, I found my way into a lot of Heavy Metal, which is how I ended up revisiting the collected works of Slipknot. And for the record, I find that the singers of metal bands often have the most lovely singing voices. David Draiman, Trent Reznor, Jonathan Davis, Chester Bennington, Corey Taylor - all very talented vocalists and among some of my favorites.

Bury all your secrets in my skin

Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins

The air around me still feels like a cage

And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again

So if you love me let me go

And run away before I know

My heart is just too dark to care

I can't destroy what isn't there

Deliver me into my fate

If I'm alone I cannot hate

I don't deserve to have you

Ooh, my smile was taken long ago

If I can change I hope I never know

Let's talk about these lyrics a bit, because they are intense. That's another thing to love about metal - a lot of the lyrics are beautifully poetic and fraught with meaning, in a way you don't normally see in other genres. "Snuff" exposes the vulnerability of someone's darkest thoughts. The plot is straightforward. From what I gathered, it sounds like the singer fucked up a relationship with someone he really loved and now he's angry she walked away. The song starts with his inner thoughts, which are super negative. He doesn't deserve her, she needs to leave him before he destroys her, he has a dark heart, and he doesn't care (except he does care...a whole lot), blah, blah, blah. He ends up pushing her away - however that looks like in his patterning. Depending on what core wounds he's operating from, this could manifest as addictions, withdrawal, or abusive behaviors. And, contrary to what some societal beliefs about love say, people don't have to stick around for that bullshit. In fact, it's unhealthy if they do. That's not love, that's trauma bonding. People who don't love you can stay forever (often because the relationship fulfills some need) and people who love you a lot may leave (because they love themselves enough to know enabling your destructive patterns is not good for you or for them). It may be counterintuitive but sometimes the most loving thing a person can do is leave. Alternatively, the most destructive thing they can do is stay. Unfortunately, leaving can make someone see you as the "bad guy," which is what happens at the end of "Snuff." Instead of taking the loss of a loved one as a sign to examine his own destructive patterns, he becomes angry that she left to "save [herself]," just like everyone else in his life. Clearly, he's not doing the work.

I still press your letters to my lips

And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss

I couldn't face a life without your lights

But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight

So save your breath, I will not care

I think I made it very clear

You couldn't hate enough to love

Is that supposed to be enough?

I only wish you weren't my friend

Then I could hurt you in the end

I never claimed to be a saint

Ooh, my own was banished long ago

It took the death of hope to let you go

Based on what I could find regarding the meaning of the lyrics, Slipknot vocalist Corey Taylor wrote it about a relationship that ended because of his self-destructive habits (drug/alcohol addiction fueled by depression and suicidal ideation). At the time, he was disappointed because she didn't stay with him, but it ultimately motivated him to do better for himself. Taylor still struggled with addiction throughout his life but as of late, he's succeeded in staying sober. I came across a piece of Internet wisdom I really resonated with recently (the person might have said it came from their therapist but I can't remember). Fear of rejection is fueled by the underlying belief you don't deserve what you want and fear of abandonment is the belief that you don't deserve to keep it. These two underlying beliefs often lead to self-sabotage. If you don't believe yourself worthy and deserving of good things, your subconscious will motivate you to ruin positive situations in your life. Alternatively, you may hold on to toxic/destructive situations because they are confirming your subconscious beliefs that you deserve bad things in your life. Your behaviors fuel self-fulfilling prophesies. Unfortunately, most people are so ingrained with these beliefs due to societal conditioning and generational trauma that they can't get off the hamster wheel without help. That's not a bad thing. It's not a bad thing to want to be better, but you have to take tangible steps to change.

And I won't listen to your shame

You ran away, you're all the same

Angels lie to keep control

Ooh, my love was punished long ago

If you still care don't ever let me know

If you still care don't ever let me know

I had my first counseling session yesterday. I almost cancelled it because I was feeling better (more self-sabotage). Not much better but good enough to cope on my own. I think I was mainly nervous about sharing personal things with a stranger and I was developing unconscious stories (I don't have time, it's not worth the money, I'm coping fine on my own) to justify cancelling. However, talking to someone neutral about thoughts and feelings I've been holding onto for what feels like decades felt amazing. I like the therapist they paired me up with - she's nice and we're in the same stage of life, so she understands some of the pressures I'm under. After a lot of shadow work, I'm hyper-aware of my own self-destructive patterns and subconscious programming. However, the changes I need to make seem scary and overwhelming. I know in theory that I deserve a happy, fulfilling life - believing that I deserve it and advocating for my own happiness (because I'm unskilled at prioritizing myself) is another story. I really noticed yesterday how difficult it is for me to voice my anger, resentment, disappointment, and hurt. My counselor had to affirm several times that it's okay for me to admit someone's actions hurt me, because that's my reality. In many ways, I still find myself apologizing for just being human. For giving everything I have to others and still feeling like it isn't enough. It's weird and scary, to take my own advice for once. I'm wired to take care of other people - I like it, it makes me happy - but I don't expect others to take care of me. And my life reflects it. My own self-fulfilling prophesy.

"Snuff" gets it's name from the genre of film where real murders are filmed. Naturally, the music video was shot like a psychological thriller - with a twist ending. The band's percussionist, Shawn Crahan, co-directed the video and included a cameo by British film actor Malcolm McDowell. For dramatic purposes, the music cuts out during the third verse, which is a music video editing tactic that really annoys me, especially when the song is this good. Highly recommend looking for the uncut version of the song to enjoy it uninterrupted.

"Snuff" Video

"Help" by Papa Roach

The last two posts were pop songs so I thought we'd take a sharp left turn into alternative rock. Another one of my son's favorite videos to watch. He really likes this song - not sure if I should be concerned or what. He does have great taste in music, though, that's for certain. Also, he's learned the phrase "Ya Basic!" so it's only a matter of time before he hurts some poor woman's feelings while she's shopping for UGGs and enjoying a pumpkin spice latte. 

Let's walk through the video first, before we get into the heaviness. The protagonist of this video is a man in a bunny costume. That could be representative of many things - that he feels he's a joke or that he feels like he's soft and weak (like a bunny). In any case, he doesn't feel like a man (as bunnies are rarely associated with virulent masculinity). It could also be a subversion of the traditional spiritual meaning of rabbits. Rabbits represent luckiness, prosperity, abundance, and even happiness. The protagonist of this video clearly does not reflect any of those things, as we'll see. At the start of the video, we see the Bunnyman waking up at 4pm next to what we can assume is his wife or  live-in girlfriend. And the first things she says could be exactly what we've told ourselves in our worst moments - "I don't know why you're waking up. You ain't got nowhere to go." The rest of the video shows his day progressively getting worse - he's out of milk, a random kid attacks him with nunchucks, someone throws a milk shake at him, and then more asshole kids are taunting him at the donut shop. It's important to note that both the woman and the kids are shown to look more ugly than they actually are. They might not actually look like that but his negative perception of life distorts everything, making people seem uglier and meaner than they might otherwise be. At the end of the video, he runs into another Bunnyman, the underlying message being that you can get through anything as long as you have an understanding friend who has been where you are.

Did someone turn the lights out?

Or is it just another dark cloud in my head?

'Cause I'm cut deep, my heart won't beat

Deep down low it's killing me

If I wanna scratch out yesterday

I've got so much I need to say

(I've got so much I need to say)

This past weekend, while I was desperately trying to keep myself from tumbling into a depressive spiral, I was thinking about how important routines and self check-ins are in these situations. Sometimes, we have to be a friend to ourselves and part of that is stopping to pay attention when you're going someplace dark. For example, I know something is off if I have less energy and I want to sleep all the time. In my normal state, I'm running around everywhere and am constantly doing some activity before going to bed. After years of waking up early, it's no problem for me most mornings to jump out of bed at 4am and do some yoga or writing. The last couple weeks, however, I've been hitting snooze way past my normal "point of no return" (i.e., the time I've decided is acceptable to sleep in until). When you're aware of these patterns, it's important to make a promise to yourself to break them. This is why routines are important - if you already have the momentum of performing a habit regularly, it's much easier to get back into the habit if you miss a day or two (or even a week). And you're able to be a bit more compassionate with yourself, if you skip a few days here and there. That's also essential - the ability to be compassionate with yourself. People will beat themselves up over the smallest, silliest things - things that are pointless in the grand scheme of things but seem so important in the moment, especially when you're already feeling down on yourself. 

One of the big contributing factors for my exhaustion is my mom being in the "depression" phase of her illness, which is, in some ways, worse than the "manic" phase. Mostly because we know she's not taking care of herself and I have constant anxiety about what she might do when she's by herself. She calls me multiple times a day (mostly because I'm the one who is most likely to pick up). During these short calls, I try to do a check in with her. Lately, I'm starting to realize the importance of doing the check-ins for myself, too. The questions I ask someone who I know is struggling with depression are the same ones that can keep me from falling into the same pattern. How are you feeling? Did you take a shower today? Are you wearing clean clothes? Did you take your medicine (or, in my case, multivitamins/supplements)? Are you eating healthy? Are you drinking water? Did you get outside and move at all? Easy questions that we can ask ourselves (or friends and family) that show we care and provide gentle encouragement to the receiver to take care of themselves. Because a sure sign of low self esteem and low self worth (hallmarks of depression) is not taking care of yourself with basic hygiene and healthy habits. Looking back now, there was a time when I actively avoided looking at myself in the mirror - I couldn't even look at myself while I was brushing my teeth. And, even though I've had some sad moments lately, I'm very happy that I'm nowhere near that level of self-hatred and I haven't been there in several years.

I think I need help

'Cause I'm drowning in myself

It's sinking in, I can't pretend

That I ain't been through hell

I think I need help

I'm drowning in myself

With that in mind, I keep flashing back to the beginning of "Wristcutters: A Love Story," which is one of my favorite films. It's one of the most disturbing scenes I've ever seen, because it's so simple. The main character has been depressed for a while and the viewer sees him lying on the bed, in the midst of a messy apartment. Suddenly, he gets up and starts cleaning the room with purpose. Takes a shower, shaves, and gets dressed - with purpose. The whole time, I have this sickening feeling because I know what's going to happen next. And sure enough, the scene ends with him slitting his wrists in the bathroom. I nearly blacked out. These particular type of suicide scenes make me queasy. Mostly because, if I were to kill myself - for realsies - I'd always imagined I'd slash my wrists. It's a little melodramatic, so I feel like it's the most fitting way for me to go out. It makes an impression. But I couldn't do it - for one, I have no interest in killing myself at the moment and, two, even thinking about it right now is making me sick to my stomach. It's also probably the most painful, scary way to do it. I'm not sure why my mind went to that scene today. Maybe because someone not taking care of themselves is one of the most obvious signs of depression and it's also the one people choose to ignore because they don't want to seem like they're being judgmental. To be honest - I know my mom gets annoyed when I ask her the check-in questions. And I also know she's lying when she answers sometimes. But the most awful thing is - that same eerie feeling of inevitability that I felt while watching the opening scene of "Wristcutters" is the same one I feel on a daily basis. And I don't know how else to help someone who won't help themselves.

"Help" Official Video

"Habits (Stay High)" by Tove Lo

Another one of my son's favorite songs. Probably shouldn't be - this song does not reflect the healthiest of lifestyles. I think he likes the "ooh" parts and, to be honest, so do I. They're fun to sing. As you can gather from the lyrics, Tove Lo wrote this after a bad breakup. She went into a downward spiral and developed some self-destructive habits. Chief among these was excessive alcohol and drug use, hence the subtitle "Stay High." However, the song lyrics and the video are more reflective of someone who turns to promiscuity to get over their past relationship. It's the whole idea that "the fastest way to get over someone is to get under someone else," which is some Libra bullshit if I've ever heard it. Our brains and definitely our hearts don't work like that, no matter how hard we want to believe it. In case you're wondering (because, yes, I did look it up as research), Tove Lo is a Scorpio (she has a tattoo on her shoulder to prove it....such a fucking Scorpio thing to do) and, although she does have her Mars in Libra, her Venus is in Scorpio. She ain't getting over anybody if she believes they are her soul mate, no matter how many people she fucks (but it sounds like she tried her hardest....respect). The lyrics also touch on the numbness people might feel after "shadow" losses - it's like there's nothing to look forward to anymore. You're not surprised or excited about anything, but you're not disappointed about anything either. Life is just....meh. And, strangely enough, that's even more exhausting than being on an emotional roller coaster.

The video is disorienting and it's meant to be. Most of the video's perspective is shot as a close-up of Tove Lo going about her business of partying hard and lip syncing to the song. To film, she wore the camera strapped to her waist during the entire shoot. It was draining but having to carry the weight around brought into stark focus the pain she was holding onto from the experience that inspired the song. Her reactions and emotions are very real - when she breaks down in tears, that's not acting. Keep an eye on the guy with the hand tattoos, because he's critical to my understanding of the video. I had seen this video at least a couple dozen times before something clicked in my head and I fully comprehended the message the director was trying to get across. At the time, I felt really proud of myself and also really stupid, because I should've seen it earlier.

I eat my dinner in my bathtub, then I go to sex clubs

Watchin' freaky people gettin' it on

It doesn't make me nervous if anything, I'm restless

Yeah, I've been around and I've seen it all

I get home, I got the munchies, binge on all my Twinkies

Throw up in the tub then I go to sleep

And I drank up all my money, dazed and kinda lonely

Essentially, the plot of the video is Tove Lo partying all day, every day, in order to get over the person she's singing about. It seems like she's having fun in the beginning but by the end, it's clear she's not having fun at all. I believe Hand-Tattoo Guy represents the person she's trying to get over. The viewer is made to assume that he's actually there and he's one of the friends she goes out to party with. I posit that he is a figment of her imagination - even though he's not really there, he's always there because she can't get him off her mind. If you watch really carefully, there are shots where Hand-Tattoo Guy is doing something before a cut-away and when they return to the scene, it's someone else performing that action. He's like a ghost, just fading away into the shadows. Tormenting her with his elusive omnipresence. I understand how that feels - it almost makes it feel better to pretend the person is there....until that crushing moment of lucidity when you realize they aren't. Maybe this is projection (and perhaps I'm admitting a little bit too much of my crazy), but there are moments I find myself imagining someone else is there when I'm doing stuff by myself. Mundane things - like when I'm driving in the car or cooking dinner. Or having conversations with people in my head, conversations I'll probably never have because I'm so much more witty in my imagination. Occasionally, these conversations are with people I've never met or who I know I will probably never see in this life ever again. It's a way of organizing my thoughts, in order to put them in a way others will understand, because my mind tends to move faster than my mouth sometimes. It helps to have a rant prepared and in your pocket. You know....for special occasions. These blog posts often begin as imaginary conversations and I'd like to think they read better for it.

In hindsight, Tove Lo realizes the things she did to heal from this relationship - alcohol, drugs, sex - were counterproductive. Anyone with a couple decades of life experience can tell the lyrics do not describe a healthy way to deal with a situation but we've all done it at some point. Excessive drinking, party hopping because we don't want the night to end, exercising until we drop from exhaustion, burning ourselves with lighters, hopping in taxi cabs with strangers we've only known for 2 hours - the list of self-destructive tendencies is endless and, in the end, they're never satisfying. So, the question we're faced with is this - how do we heal when we've made a promise to ourselves not to be self-destructive anymore? That's the hard part. The self-destructive shit is easy - it's the comfortable way to deal, which is why we resort to that first. But those habits are just a distraction. Eventually - when the distractions stop working and aren't fun anymore - you have to take a good, long look in the mirror and accept you can't run from your feelings. And you can't change what happened. You can only change yourself. Sometimes, this means therapy (especially when addiction is involved). It always means shadow work of some kind, followed by extensive goal-setting and promise-making. And a lot of time spent finding out who you are when you're alone. This is where the magic happens, because in this space, there's a need to channel your emotions somewhere. Often, this results in the creation of something beautiful - a painting, a song, a story, a business. Something to help transmute whatever you were feeling into something enjoyable.

"Habits (Stay High)" Video

"I Knew You Were Trouble" by Taylor Swift

I'm trying to get the T-Swift outta the way early, for your sakes. As I've mentioned, Swift is a music video savant and there are plenty of her music videos I could've chosen for this theme. Not only do they showcase her ability to bring her vision to life, they also bring to light her biting self-awareness, her humor, imagination, and attention-to-detail. She's an artist who has been consistently forthright about how deeply her art is manifested as an expression of her life. Watching her videos is like watching how she imagines how her life is unfolding. They are a distorted fantasy, because they are all so much more beautiful than how I'm sure the experiences were. That's how art is. The best of it is born out of our darkest moments. It's able to shed light on those shadows and bring back joy where we only thought there would be pain. It does this a thousand-fold and more. And, if it's strong enough - if the idea, the feeling, the lesson is pure enough - it graces it's creator with immortality. Regardless of whether or not we remember their name, we'll be able to look, listen, or read their art and be stirred to the same emotion the artist was feeling when they created it.

I hope you enjoyed that paragraph, because that's as serious as we're getting today. I chose this song due to the sheer ridiculous-ness of the video. People forget Taylor is a Sagittarius, but her goofiness and optimism is what takes the edge out of what is genuinely a terrible situation, which we'll get to later.

Picture it - Coachella, 2012. It was a crazy time. It was one of the hottest summers on record, the second unsuccessful Spiderman franchise was just barely hitting theaters, and everyone was watching a meme where President Obama is singing "Call Me, Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepson. In fact, everyone was singing "Call Me, Maybe" that summer because, despite it's all around pop awful-ness, it's a national treasure. The world both does and does not deserve that song. What was I talking about? Oh yes....the "I Knew You Were Trouble" video. The intro to the video is ridiculously long - it lasts nearly two fucking minutes. For the record, I hate music videos with long, cinematic intros. This one gets a pass because it's hilariously confusing but if any musicians are reading this - don't fucking do that to your fans. They will seriously skip the video and look for a lyric video that cuts through the nonsense.

This is where our story begins. Taylor has just woken up in the middle of fucking Death Valley, tent debris everywhere, and she starts on a good long ramble. This, my friends, is a metaphor for her relationship with the guy she's singing about. The desert imagery is telling - in dream interpretation (which, among my renewed esoteric interests, is now one of my hobbies), deserts represent feeling unloved and unwanted. If there is someone else in the desert with you, that person is usually the person who is making you feel that way. Often, dreams like this signify that you feel burdened by this person. I'm going to take an educated leap and say that this symbolism carries over into the video. Taylor's rant is fairly personal, despite how pseudo-deep it sounds. In it, she acknowledges some key details - 1) she didn't trust her instincts, 2) she felt out of control, 3) even if she's kind of glad it's over, she still misses him - or who she was when she was with him, and 4) she made a mistake and she learned a valuable lesson. Never lose yourself in someone else. That was her fault, not his.

I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen.

It's not really anything he said or anything he did,

It was the feeling that came along with it.

And the crazy thing is I don't know if I'm ever gonna feel that way again.

But I don't know if I should.

Moving on - Taylor meets a drug dealer during one of the shows. Let's talk about this drug dealer. He's hot - way hotter than a drug dealer at Coachella should be. Side note: The actor who plays the "bad boy" in this Taylor Swift video also played Dorian Gray in "Penny Dreadful," so that should give you an idea of how attractive he is. Eternally youthful, mischievous smile, creepily mesmerizing eyes whose color hovers in between green and brown (depending on his mood). Add in tattoos, guy-liner, and man jewelry and he's basically irresistible to a naive 20-something girl on a road trip. Sure, every girl knows that the fedora and wearing suspenders over a wifebeater should have been her first clues he was a major douchebag - but we've all been there, so we can't judge. Hindsight is always 20/20. Anyway, we see snippets of their relationship, which looks pretty insane from the get go and automatically, you can see it wasn't going to be Taylor's jam. Some moments look alright - maybe even romantic - like the cuddling in bed and the matching tattoos. But the rest of it was bullshit. Getting in trouble with the cops, starting fights with biker dudes who could definitely kill the skinny motherfucker, and when he gets bored, he moves on to the next girl with low self-esteem.

You may notice that I keep calling the guy a "drug dealer." That's only half a joke - the other half is the very real effect of love addiction, a characteristic of codependent relationships, especially when a narcissist is involved. These relationships move really fast - like saying "I love you" after three weeks fast. Usually what happens is that one person "love bombs" the shit out of the other person until they are hooked (and depending on how much trauma the person has gone through, this can be disarmingly quick) and then begins to test their boundaries by becoming more and more ambivalent about responding to the other's needs within the relationship. This is when the abuse usually starts - gaslighting, verbal abuse, withholding affection and/or sex, isolation, silent treatment, jealous accusations, and sometimes, even physical violence. However, every so often, the narcissist will do just enough love bombing - a nice dinner here, a small gift there, a compliment or two - just enough to give the codependent person hope that the other person will change back into that loving person they initially knew. Unfortunately, that never happens. What does happen is the codependent person loses their entire identity - including connections with friends and family. In order to keep getting validation and "love" from the other person, they will try their best to conform to be the "perfect" partner. Change their clothes and appearance, hide their opinions, compromise all their needs and boundaries - all for a few crumbs of approval. In the end, it does no good anyway, because once the codependent is depleted of all self-worth, the narcissist will usually move on to someone else. Sometimes they'll come back, especially if the codependent person seems to be doing well (because how dare they move on with their life!) but it will never become a healthy relationship. I have a lot of compassion for Taylor because the experiences that prompted her to write this song probably completely fucked up how she perceived what a healthy relationship should look like. Indeed, many people have difficulty after a codependent relationship because a healthy relationship often feels "boring."

No apologies. He'll never see you cry,

Pretends he doesn't know that he's the reason why

You're drowning, you're drowning, you're drowning

Now I heard you moved on from whispers on the street

A new notch in your belt is all I'll ever be

And now I see, now I see, now I see

He was long gone when he met me

And I realize the joke is on me, yeah!

The irony is we're pretty sure this song was written about John Mayer, whose image (at least in the beginning) was built on being the sensitive Nice Guy. This is a misnomer, because these guys are definitely the worst. As most girls are aware, the Nice Guy often feels more entitled to female attention than run-of-the-mill assholes do. In addition to that, men who describe themselves as a "nice guy" often have an inferiority complex, which can often lead to over-compensating with hyper-masculine behaviors, such as emotional distancing and promiscuity. The thing to understand about human interaction is that people treat others the way they feel about themselves. It's a self-fulfilling prophesy in the worst way - they leave first because they expect others to abandon them, they treat others with cruelty because they perceive those that have treated them with cruelty in the past as superior, and they don't care about other people's feelings because they ignore their own. When confronted by another's Shadow like this, it is tempting to turn our anger and resentment inward at ourselves. What is so unlovable about me that they would treat me this way? What did I do to deserve this (because I surely must've done something to deserve this)? This is a slippery slope that ends in getting trapped within our own shadow. A shadow that, if left unchecked, could leave us just as cold as the other person (and Taylor spent many years very publicly stuck in this tailspin). So, what do we do? I, personally, have found much solace in the Ho'oponopono meditation, the Hawaii'an practice of forgiveness. It consists of repeating the following mantra: I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. With this mantra, the practitioner is forgiving themselves for their part as much as forgiving the other person. Self-compassion is the root of self-worth and self-esteem. It's also essential for the integration of the Shadow.

"I Knew You Were Trouble" Video

"I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" by My Chemical Romance

I've been extra emo lately. I'm blaming Scorpio season and accepting that the Sun is activating the shit out of my natal Moon. Therefore, I'm making a conscious choice to lean in and be super "Moon in Scorpio" for - basically - the rest of my life. For example, I've decided Sabrina the Teenage Witch is my new aesthetic, so the only things I plan to wear in 2020 will be black pencil skirts and red blouses. Okay....maybe the tiniest bit of plaid but it will be very tasteful. I've also decided I'm going to delve back into my creepy side, because I've let it lie dormant for a long time. I've got a lot of dark and twisty TV shows (BTW Ellen Pompeo, aka Meredith Grey, Honored Master of being dark and twisty, is a Scorpio), movies, and books that I've re-prioritized to be at the top of my media intake. And I've been listening to the "Hot Rods & Horror Shows" playlist on Spotify, which is mostly of the emo and psychobilly persuasion. Obviously, been listening to a lot of My Chemical Romance and other bands with a similar sound, and I've been playing one particular song on repeat lately that I'm in love with. Unfortunately, it doesn't fit the theme for this month because it doesn't have an official video, so maybe next month. I'm definitely feeling a push for a new beginning of sorts but that could be because 2020 is around the corner. I've been hit by another wave of inspiration for some new writing projects - in particular, a short story about a Magician and his Assistant, which I plan to start after Mercury Spookygrade.

Speaking of My Chemical Romance, they announced today that they'd be reuniting for a Reunion Tour - and my inner 17-year-old emo girl jumped for joy! If they announce an US dates, I'm definitely going to find a way to get to that (if it is at all humanly possible), mostly because it might be my only chance to see them live. It's almost like they knew I needed them right now. I know it may sound lame but MCR got me through some of the roughest years of my life. Rough enough that I'm surprised that I made it through. To be honest, I almost didn't. Lately, it feels like we're on redux. I think that's the thing I love most about MCR - because Gerard Way's lyrics reflected an inner world I was intimately familiar with. Overly dramatic, hopelessly romantic in the darkest sense, and passionate in a quiet way that others didn't understand and were overwhelmed when I revealed it. These past few days that I've been rediscovering their old albums, it only confirmed what I knew instinctively as a teenager. That they create genuinely brilliant music and that's why the entire Internet is fucking excited about an MCR reunion tour. Gerard Way is now living his best life, with his own solo music career and success as a comic book illustrator (he's the creator of "The Umbrella Academy," now a Netflix show - it's on my list), but it wasn't always like that. In high school, he was the weird, quiet kid who drew disturbing scribbles during class. He was a loner, and people he was friends with in childhood (one in particular) became popular and started to treat him like he was weird and different. That's what "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" is about. It hurts for this to happen at any age, but it always seems especially devastating when you're a teenager. To find someone who you think gets you only to have them push you away. When, even though they won't say it, their actions make it clear that they don't want you in their life anymore. It hurts but, in these situations, it's best to just let them push you away.

Well, if you wanted honesty

That's all you had to say

I never want to let you down

Or have you go, it's better off this way

For all the dirty looks

The photographs your boyfriend took

Remember when you broke your foot

From jumping out the second floor?

The video concept for "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" is a mock trailer. The introduction is Ray Toro listing all the reasons that Gerard Way kind of sucks. This part is amazing because, among the reasons why Gerard Way is "never gonna make it," he likes Audrey Hepburn, Fangoria, and croquet, and he doesn't know karate. I don't know about you but all those reasons are why he'd be at the top of my "gotta be friends with this guy" list. Although, it would be kinda awesome if he knew karate. Whatever. I stand by my statement. Moving on, the movie that the band is pretending to be in is your basic "Not Another Teen Movie"-type film - where the geek gets the girl (a trope that always makes me giddily happy to the point where I squeal). Obviously, the movie promises an epic showdown between the Weirdos (MCR, wielding croquet mallets, naturally) and the Jocks (with hockey sticks and those other sticks they use in lacrosse - I have no idea what they're called but I think we can deduce that MCR chose the better weapon). Before the bridge, they have that typical romantic scene where you know the two unlikely lovers are going to kiss. They flip this trope on its head by making it awkward, where Frank Iero actually does remove an eyelash from the girl's eye and then wipes his finger on her sleeve (gross! I don't know why but gross!) before walking away. Because boys really are stupid like that. You'll be just standing there, thinking "kiss me, loser, before I fucking go home" and they'll be like "goodnight!" You definitely aren't going to get laid if you can't read the room. And in between all the typical shenanigans, they have that stereotypical trailer text that's supposed to make it suspenseful but is really just annoying. And, because it is a music video, it does show the band actually performing but that's spliced with all the rest of the chaos that is going on, which allows it to maintain it's trailer-like quality.

What will it take to show you

That it's not the life it seems? (I'm not okay)

I've told you time and time again

You sing the words but don't know what it means (I'm not okay)

To be a joke and look

Another line without a hook

I held you close as we both shook

For the last time, take a good hard look

That's the basic description of what's happening in the video. Now, I'm going to tell you why that's a perfect visualization for the story the lyrics tell. When you're a highly imaginative teenager (and I'm speaking from experience), you have a tendency to picture your own life as a movie. A movie where you're the star, of course. Unfortunately, life isn't a movie and doesn't follow your typical plot rules. The people you meet don't fit perfectly within a single archetype or trope, because humans are complicated. The timeline is always off somehow, like nothing was planned before you started shooting. The costumes are cheap and ill-fitting. It feels like you'll never reach the climax of the film, because it's just one conflict after another. You see where I'm going with this? Life is messy and incoherent, which is why films have script writers and scene editors - to cut out all the complicated, boring stuff so that we only see the parts that make sense. If a teenager (or a teen-at-heart) were to make a movie trailer of their actual life, it would be much like this video. The scenes seem related but might not even be from the same movie. The perspective keeps switching, so you're not sure who is the main character (one would assume Gerard Way but Frank Iero gets all the dynamic scenes). And what you expect to happen doesn't always happen, like awkward almost-kisses or getting punched in the face when you ace a test. And there'd be a lot of cut scenes of you reaching for your inhaler or spinning in a chair, all the shit that you hope people don't see. And the reasoning behind the individual plot points will probably be sketchy, at best. We have no idea what happened prior to the showdown in the hallway - MCR might've just decided to beat the shit out of some Chads with croquet mallets. Was it justified? Sure, but not in a "cause and effect" sort of way, more like a "fuck anybody named Chad" sort of way. Sorry Chad. I'm sure you're a good person, whoever you are.

In summation, the only thing we have control over in the movie of our life is the soundtrack, so make it a good one.

"I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" Video

November Theme: "Visualizations"

For November, because I think I'm so fucking hilarious, I've decided to go over my thoughts on music videos some popular songs. As I've said before, music is often part of an artist's shadow work and healing. Never is this more clear than when they set their songs to a visual interpretation. I love music videos. I'm one of those weirdos who was up at 3am watching VH1's "Pop Up Video," because I enjoyed reading the little blurbs and tidbits about the song meanings and what was happening in society at the time the video was created. I have an addiction to soaking up knowledge, no matter how mundane and trivial it seems to other people. It all feels magical to me. Not that anyone cares, but I am three beers in. Also, side note, Fireball whiskey tastes surprisingly good when mixed with eggnog. I fucking love Yule.

As much as I love her, I'm going to limit myself to one Taylor Swift song this month. I will make no such promise for December, because that is Sagittarius season and you can't limit those motherfuckers. It's one of my favorite thing about Sagittarius placements. But Taylor Swift is a genuine genius when it comes to music videos. She's one of those rare artists who has both the vision and the sound that translates into something real in the world that she evolved in. It's been close to 15 years since she became a household name. Believe me - that doesn't happen unless a person has something special about them. Call it what you want. Talent. Vision. Soul. It's rare. And most people never get a chance to experience it up close, let alone within themselves. And I'm ranting about Taylor Swift again, which I'm aware is super lame. She's also fairly consistent with creating videos about how she made the music videos - from the concept to the editing - which I appreciate. I love learning about people's processes. I'm sure that's annoying. I always ask questions that are a little bit too penetrating, but that's because my own process is a little bit mysterious, even to myself. I hear songs and I can see a story. And it's not even a whole story. Sometimes, it's just a scene, just a frame. And sometimes, I feel like I can't do the story justice. Some days, I can type for hours and it's beautiful. Other days, it feels like I have to tear open a vein just to get out a sentence. Even now, I can understand why Hemingway and Stoker and Poe drank so much - all the words I've been keeping locked up in the recesses of my mind are just flowing out, like so much blood. And right now - it sounds good. It sounds beautiful. Even if I read it tomorrow and it's full of typos and nonsense, right now, it sounds like exactly what I want to say. But I'm still inhibited - as much as I share on here, it's really only about 5% of the thoughts in my head. The deepest, darkest parts of myself are still very much secret, only to be revealed to those most worthy. So, even though I have a lot more to rant about, I'm going to take my ranting offline. Maybe work on a project I've been holding onto for 6+ months, because there's no use holding onto it any more.

Needless to say, this month should be fun. I've been waiting to share a lot of these thoughts for a while now and finally, I have an opportunity. Happy Mercury Retrograde - it's going to be fucking wilde!

"Jaded" by Aerosmith

This song came up in a mix recently and I realized I'd forgotten how much I loved this song. When I was a kid, of course. It was released in December 2000 and was basically my whole soundtrack for 2001. I remember dancing around my living room whenever the music video came on MTV - this was before I was considered "responsible enough" to have a TV in my room. And yes, I know the MTV reference is instantly dated. I'm a member of the last generation who remembers when MTV only played music videos. And, I'm gonna tell ya, the world was a simpler place then. Or so it seemed. Yet, I still identified very strongly with this song - even though my (well meaning, Hanson-loving) friends didn't get it - at the tender age of 13....perhaps because I already understood the feeling back then. Of course, I'm not sure if I was jaded or if I knew it was unsafe to show emotion...so I didn't. Coping mechanisms are fun!

Your thinking's so complicated

I've had it all up to here

But it's so overrated

Love and hated

Wouldn't trade it

Love me jaded

I looked up the definition for "jaded" because I'm starting to feel like I know so many words but have lost touch with the true meaning. Linguistics is a true passion of mine (one of several). Apparently, the word originally meant "worn-out horse," possibly from the Old Norse jalda meaning "mare." Luckily, I've recently taken up Icelandic (apparently the closest language to Old Norse) so I know exactly how to pronounce jalda, in addition to several other words. I particularly enjoy saying the word for "mushroom," which is sveppur. Moving on in our explanation (rant....it's a rant at this point) about words, "jaded" has three meanings in English, all fairly similar. 1. Bored or lacking enthusiasm, typically after having been over exposed to, or having consumed too much of something. 2. Worn-out, wearied, exhausted, or lacking enthusiasm, due to age or experience. 3. Made callous, or cynically insensitive, by experience. I think it's something akin to that "emptiness" I'm always going on about. Nothing surprises you. In fact, the pettiness and predictability of human beings (including yourself) begins to get tiresome. It happens. Every so often, I stop believing in fairy tales and magic for a little while. At this point, I don't worry because it usually comes back. All you need is a little spark.

Hey j-j-jaded

There ain't no baby please

When I'm shootin' the breeze with her

When everything you see is a blur

And ecstasy's what you prefer

This songs meaning is somewhat layered. There's the most obvious layer, which is that it's about a complicated relationship with a younger woman who is just so bored with life already. But then there's the layer of what Steven Tyler was thinking when he wrote the song. He was thinking of his youngest daughter while developing "Jaded," about how he didn't feel as if he was there enough due to his lifestyle (not just the musician life, but drug addictions too). All of his relationships with his children are complicated like this. Liv Tyler didn't meet him until she was 9, when her mother took her to an Aerosmith concert. Bebe Buell didn't tell her that Tyler was her father due to his involvement with drugs but - to hear Liv Tyler tell the story - when she met Steven Tyler, she just "knew" he was her father. And I believe her. I think children always know about those kind of complicated things. They know when something's wrong, even when adults refuse to talk about them or straight up lie to their face. Over time, we teach them (and ourselves) that they're overthinking or they're "too sensitive" (that's my favorite one, can't you tell? I heard it a lot growing up), and so life slowly stamps out that intuition because we've learned to ignore it. And that shit is hard to grow back. Assuming that ignoring your intuition doesn't kill you first.

As I said, I loved the music video. It has a style about it - it's not creepy, but it's clear that the world is a little off. The girl (a young Mila Kunis, who looks as beautiful as always and weirdly reminds me of my older sister) is surrounded by a lavish lifestyle. Beautiful clothes, meticulous servants, every manner of entertainment at her slightest whim. She literally has it all but something is missing for her. Everything blurs together. There's nothing fantastical in her fantasy world. Then, a mysterious force asks her, "What do you want?" And she answers simply, "To Feel" (Oh. My. God. That is such a Cancer thing to say!) The mysterious force tells her to "Find the Forest" and she runs madly searching for it. For all her trouble, she finds the forest - which is quite a magical place - and she is finally touched to the point where she cries. I told you...she just needed a spark. A happy ending indeed. On a somewhat related note, YouTube has been suggesting a lot of psychology videos for me lately and I've taken the bait. Of course, I'm starting to realize that I've never strayed too far from my roots.

"Jaded" Video

"Style" by Taylor Swift (as performed by Postmodern Jukebox)

I managed to fit in some Taylor Swift, even though (by definition) she does not fall into the retro-futuristic genre. But she is quite old-fashioned. Cancer placements have that effect. We tend to have a rosy picture of the past and a significant nostalgic streak. Especially relationships, even when (in saner moments) we're able to acknowledge that the other person never really gave a shit about us but about how we made them "feel." This results in what can look like we're going in circles, playing out the same stories hoping to get different results. Loving and giving and getting nothing in return, letting go because we're drained, exhausted and not getting what we need, then letting them back in because of some misplaced hope that things will work out. All love stories should have happy endings or some bullshit. I submit T-Swift's music (and love life) as Exhibit A. And poor Taylor is a Cancer moon, which I would argue is just as bad (possibly worse) as a Cancer sun because the moon is Cancer's ruler. But, that being said, her lyrics paint a pretty picture of young romance, the epic quest for True Love, and life in general. Every verse evokes a scene from a movie - replete with camera flares and fourth wall breaks - which appeals to me because I have a tendency to imagine myself as the heroine in my own suspensefully tragic romantic dramady.

"Style" is about one of Swift's on-again-off-again relationships. More specifically, about a having a connection with someone that is so special and seems to click so well that you keep coming back to them ("We never go out of style"). However, she's well aware of how things ended in the past (i.e., terribly). She just doesn't care. She'll keep letting this dumbass break her heart every time because it feels right when she's in it. We call that not learning the lesson. The lesson being - walk away, he's clearly not good for you because there was a reason you broke up with him in the first place.

So it goes, he can't keep his wild eyes on the road

Takes me home, lights are off he's taking off his coat (Hm yeah)

I say "I've heard that you've been out and about with some other girl, some other girl"

He says "What you've heard is true but I

Can't stop thinking about you" and I

I said "I've been there too a few times"

As I said, Taylor Swift's language is classic romance films circa 1935-1955, the Golden Age of Hollywood (because the dieselpunk era was a "golden age" for a lot of things), so let's just take a brief look at the lyrics. Her love interest has that "James Dean, day dream look in his eye" (a dangerous look indeed - a solid right hook usually does the trick). The James Dean reference doesn't end there - he's picking her up in his car and she mentions that their dalliance could end in "burning flames." A subtle - albeit mildly distasteful - nod to James Dean's death when he crashed his beloved Porsche 550 Spyder. It's a misconception that he died in an automobile fire - he snapped his neck on impact. Moving on, she says she has that "red lip, classic thing" about her, a look that Golden Age film sirens wore so well and that I have a hard time picturing Taylor Swift without. Finally, as with all her songs (because she made her name first as a country singer), the verses tell a clear story. He's called her out of the blue and is actually trying to keep their date a secret (no one picks a girl up with their headlights off unless they're trying to be sneaky - it's a rookie teenager move). It's pretty clear he's just wanting to get her in bed. She mentions that she heard he was seeing someone else. He admits he is but he "can't stop thinking about you and I." And she gives in because she's been fantasizing about the same thing. Fin. Sounds like a recipe for heartbreak but at least she got a killer single out of it. And I have no doubt that a scenario similar to this actually played out in her life. Swift has a tendency to take "write what you know" a little too seriously.

I like the Postmodern Jukebox version because it's a duet (the original is not). It's also higher energy - something you can dance to (PMJ says it's in "Grease"-style, which involved perhaps too much dancing). The original is more of a ballad, and not as fun to run to. The retro-futurist version replaces the synthesizers with brass, which naturally gives the whole piece a brighter sound. Also - and this is not remotely relevant - but the tenor who sings the male part (Von Smith) reminds me a little bit of Mr. Nice Guy. Just in the face. Von Smith is not quite as tall. And I'm pretty sure Mr. Nice Guy couldn't sing and didn't own a leather jacket. Including the T-Swift version, just because I can. She helped me make it through June alive - the least I can do is pimp her music videos.

"Style" PMJ Version

"Style" Original Video

"I Did Something Bad" by Taylor Swift

One of my son's favorite music videos is Taylor Swift's "...Ready for It?" It's a fairly interesting video visually - T-Swift is always intensely involved with the video creation process, down to the idea. Whatever you think of her, the girl definitely has a vision to go along with that voice. "...Ready for It?" is set in a sort of post-apocalyptic cyber punk world, which is why the following image always confused and intrigued me.....

If you look at the graffiti on the stairs (inside what clearly used to be a mall), it says "They're Burning All the Witches." This phrase seemed oddly out of place among the robots and ruins surrounding Taylor. In the video, there's a version of Taylor Swift that's trapped in a glass box (her metaphors aren't so subtle) but she can clearly do amazing things, like change shapes and make electricity come out of her fingertips. Another version of Taylor - wearing dark clothes, face hidden in the shadows of a hoodie - walks up to the box and when their hands meet across the glass, it's implied that the two merge, becoming an otherworldly being of immense power. The video is fucking trippy, almost as crazy as the "Bad Blood" video. Her music videos are works of art in their own right, deserving fo an entire post about the brilliant cinematography and my interpretations of the stories behind them. This is not that post.

Back to the witches and the burning...That phrase finally made sense when I listened to other songs on her latest album, "Reputation" (which is a masterpiece - even better than 1989 - and is currently on my "Vinyls I Need to Own" wish list).  She repeats the phrase over and over during the bridge of "I Did Something Bad." This happens to be my favorite part of the song, so I'll take the opportunity to share the lyrics here:

They're burning all the witches, even if you aren't one

They got their pitchforks and proof

Their receipts and reasons

They're burning all the witches, even if you aren't one

So light me up (light me up), light me up (light me up)

Light me up, go ahead and light me up (light me up)

Light me up (light me up), light me up (light me up)

Light me up (light me up), light me up (light me up)

I think her message is pretty clear here. If people are going to judge her, she's going to be who she is. No matter how "bad" that is. I've been going over a lot of my witchcraft books (because I haven't fully read a lot of them), and a continuing theme in them is this idea of authenticity and your True Will. A lot of times, magic doesn't work because we're not aligned with our True Will. Part of aligning is being in touch with your inner truth and being clear about your desires. This is why shadow work is so important - it strips away layers and layers of thought patterns and beliefs that don't serve you. That don't help you to grow and keep you from being the best version of yourself. And, believe me, Taylor Swift knows a little something about doing shadow work.

If you've been following Taylor Swift as long as I have, you may remember that she used to be a lot more milquetoast. Typical white girl from the 'burbs, who happens to play guitar. And then life hit her and she had to grow some teeth. Everyone knows about the whole Kanye incident and, yes, that is a contributing factor. Surprisingly, though, I don't think that's the thing that really messed her up. Throughout her songs, there is this shadow of a man who clearly did a number on her. Lied, cheated, used her for her money - any number of things that can ruin your ability to trust in future relationships. I have my theories, as I've said, but I'll save those for another day. Suffice it to say that young Taylor had to learn to cope and her initial reaction was to adopt some of the same behaviors that others had used to cause damage to her psyche. Here we go - let's talk about Narcissism and narcissistic behaviors, because those are hard to identify when we're close to the situation but are the main predictors of future abuse. Taylor said it herself - I never trust a narcissist but they love me. Let's examine what that means in more depth.

During National Women's Month, we're often reminded about violence against women but we hardly ever talk about violence from women. However, the cycle of abuse can be endless, and it's common for the abused to become the abusers, especially if they aren't self-aware. I think that's an important thing to stress - antisocial behaviors are usually learned. I was thinking about narcissistic behavior this morning because I found myself thinking about my mom. I wish I didn't think about it so much but I do and it's something I'm still working through. It's part of the whole Tea with my Demons thing - I have one named Mommy Issues. She's a pale, skinny 8-year-old with long, impossibly straight black hair, who spends way too much time hiding in closets with her dog. She's the reason I don't like yelling and freeze up occasionally when people toss things around, even when it's not in a threatening way.

I have to confess something - I didn't realize my mom's behavior was abusive until I took a Psychology of Women course at university. I thought it was normal to be yelled at every day. I thought it was normal to feel isolated all the time because she wouldn't let friends come over. I thought it was normal to prefer being at school for 12 hours a day, rather than going home. I thought it was normal to walk on eggshells, terrified that any wrong move would set off her anger - only I never knew what the "wrong moves" were. I thought that it was being a good daughter to make sure her needs were met while sublimating my own. Then, when she apologized and was all loving, everything was okay again....until the next thing set her off. That's how narcissists get you. They want to keep you isolated and doubting yourself, because that's how they maintain control. If they start to lose control, they do one of two things: they get scary angry; or they pretend that they've changed until you feel comfortable again, and then they return to their old behaviors.

Narcissists are extremely skilled at getting you to trust them and make you feel dependent on them so that, by the time they start showing who they really are, you are unable to walk away....at least, not easily. Not without some pain, either legally, financially or - and this must be stressed - physically. Anything you tell them in confidence can be used as a weapon against you. And then they play mind games, like gaslighting, which is when they tell you one thing and when you bring it up, they say something else and then act like you're the idiot when you challenge them on it. You start to think you're going crazy or you just don't have a good memory. They act like you're a projection of them, so they criticize how you look or the way you dress. That's the thing that always hurt the most - it took me a long time to feel okay with trying clothes on because, no matter what I tried on, my mom said it didn't look good on me. Or that she'd be embarrassed if I wore certain clothes when we went out. I wore full makeup through most of high school because she said I wasn't pretty without it. I could go on but I don't want to get lost in this pity party, because the truth is, I've worked through a lot of those self-esteem and self-worth issues....

But I also got away. The best thing that happened to me was going to a university in another state. A lot of people aren't as lucky. Some people can't put a state between themselves and a narcissistic person. Some people didn't have a best friend in high school whose parents didn't mind if you crashed the night after a big fight at home. And some people didn't take a million psychology classes to recognize when someone is putting them through serious emotional and psychological abuse. I joke a lot that my Psychology degree is useless but I use it every day. I use it to check my own actions and behavior, because I don't want my son to have the childhood I had. He deserves better. I deserved better. And I want him to learn that everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness, so I have to demonstrate that every day, in all my interactions. I also talk about psychology with my coworker a lot. Despite not having a psych degree, she's pretty astute at reading people and she's caught on to a lot of people's neuroses just through interacting with different types of folks throughout her career. I like to think she appreciates the detached, academic side that I bring to the conversation. I hate to treat my mom as a case study but it helps, in a way - and now that she's gotten treatment, I've learned a lot of lessons on compassion and forgiveness. Anyway, I think I've rambled on enough. I know this wasn't the cheeriest of posts but I hope my experience helps someone out there. Resources: "How to Spot Narcissistic Abuse" and "11 Signs You're the Victim of Narcissistic Abuse."

Side Note: For some reason, the audio seems weird on all the YouTube videos I looked at. I'm not sure if there's two different recordings but I prefer the album version (which is the one on Spotify, where I first heard it). This version isn't bad, but I feel like the breathy way she's singing doesn't do justice to her talent.

"I Did Something Bad" Video

"Youngblood" by 5 Seconds of Summer

I'm going to keep it short for today. My trip for the holidays simultaneously wore me out and fucked up my whole plan for this month. I did have a lot more songs for this month planned out but between getting ready to travel, actually travelling, and trying to spend time with my family, I didn't get in as much writing and ranting as I would've hoped. Which is maybe a good thing. I do feel a bit rejuvenated, which means I will not be putting up with anybody's shit in 2019 - well, at least not for the first few weeks. As a result, you may have noticed I focused more on new releases for 2018 instead of just ranting about a bunch of my favorite songs (although there were a few of those thrown in). Overall, I think that was a good compromise and you'll get to hear/learn about those other songs sometime in the future.

"Youngblood" was my favorite Song of the Summer that came out in 2018. It kind of just hit like a meteor in the US, because it became 5SOS first Number 1 single on the Top 40 and it stayed at the top for over a month, which is impressive for any song, especially considering the amount of really great music that has been released lately.

Lately our conversations end like it's the last goodbye

Yeah, one of us gets too drunk and calls about a hundred times

So who you been calling, baby, nobody could take my place

When you're looking at those strangers, hope to God you see my face

5SOS has said that "Youngblood" is about the push/pull of a relationship or maybe of a relationship that the singer never quite got right. Because it's pretty clear it's over, if she's seeing other people. Or it's an on-again/off-again relationship, where they just can't let go of each other but they can't make it work either. They just keep going in this circle when really they either need to move on or actually make a commitment to be together instead of playing games. The whole song reeks of being exhausted with the whole cycle. Whether he's going after her or pushing her away, he feels like a dead man. But he needs it "all of the time." I've needed things all of the time - eventually, you just learn to live without it because you have no other choice. Especially if whatever "it" is - and in "Youngblood's" case, it's a person's love - isn't willing to be given, you can't force it. In my honest opinion, he should delete this girl out of his phone, out of his life. If he can't do that, well -- he's fucked. I don't know what to tell you. I guess he could be honest and tell her how he feels and if she's a grown up, she'll be honest too and they'll figure it out together. Or, if she is in fact a "youngblood" who can't deal with icky emotions and the realization that she's actually causing this guy a lot of pain because she's doing whatever she wants and stomping all over his heart in the process, she'll cut him out completely. Which will hurt - immensely for at least the first few weeks - but it's in both their best interests. And that was your weekly dose of Love Advice with Dr. Jess. Next week, we'll explore how to bring up polyamory in your currently monogamous relationships without a horrendous fight.

"Youngblood" Alternative Video

"Make Me Wanna Die" by The Pretty Reckless

I was going to save this one for October because it reminds me of vampires but - fuck it! - today's a Pretty Reckless kind of day and there are more than enough awesome songs about vampires to fill up October. I'm just so over today right now. By the end of work, I found myself wanting to yell at people "stop draining me, you vampire!" I have nothing left to give - what do you want from me? So, True Story - I bought this book on raising my positive vibrations, because I'm trying to embrace this really weird journey I'm on. And today's affirmation was something super hippie - I think it was "feelings are messages from your intuition." Well, today, my intuition was fucking telling me to punch people in the face - and some of those people I actually really like. Obviously, I have more self-control than that, so I didn't. But I was probably more snippy and interrupt-y than I usually am. Perhaps a couple of f-bombs slipped, which I try to refrain from while at work. I'm so over it. It's just exhausting - I meditate and I'll get to feeling like I'm in this super good place and then this madness bubbles up from nowhere and I'm back to square one. I thought I was fucking past all this rage but - nope - still there. Side note: Fucking shadow work is a bitch. Simple fact - do with it what you wish.

When I hear "Make Me Wanna Die," I imagine this girl who is a perfectly good, reasonable, smart girl. And then she meets this guy, this vampire - and fucking nothing else matters. She's ready to up and become a vampire, too. Without consideration for what she'd be giving up, not even considering the curse that immortality can be and how she'll never be able to escape this connection to her Maker. But she's ready to do it, give him everything, if only he thought she was worthy of the Dark Gift (Anne Rice's term, not mine). For a long time, I've considered writing a TV script for the "Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter" series. In my fantasy where it actually gets picked up and I get to be creatively involved in the production, "Make Me Wanna Die" would've been the opening credits song. In my head, it would've been similar to "True Blood," which I loved as a show until they started getting all weird and added magical bullshit that didn't really fit in the plotline. I liked Anita Blake because the heroine is half-Mexican short girl with an affinity for the occult, like myself. In fact, the physical description of Anita sounds a lot like me (except for the long black ringlets - I've never had curly hair) - as you've heard, representation matters. The only thing I really don't like about the Anita Blake books is the presumption that you have to be Christian in order to be good. It was really heavy in the first few books and tapered off later, but it was something that rubbed me the wrong way when I first read it.

Taste me, drink my soul

Show me all the things that I shouldn't know

When there's a blue moon on the rise

I had everything

Opportunities for eternity

And I could belong to the night

Then your eyes

Your eyes

I can see in your eyes

Your eyes

Everything in your eyes

Your eyes

The Pretty Reckless is an American rock band fronted by Gossip Girl alumni, Taylor Momsen. In her teen years, Momsen was this pretty blonde girl and then, randomly, she decided to go goth. Not a big deal - a lot of girls did this in high school (the best ones did, anyway) but not as many formed a kickass band.

Before and After

One more, 'cause she's hot....

"Make Me Wanna Die" is probably their most well-known song (and it's honestly not that well-known) but the Pretty Reckless's entire first album, "Light Me Up," is great. One of the best purchases I ever made, most definitely. They've got some post-grunge influences, a little southern rock thrown in for good measure. I love Momsen's voice - it's a little grizzly, a little sweet, which makes it hella sexy. And she's not too bad looking either - she can definitely pull off the sexy/scary look. Kind of jealous. Fair warning - in the video, she's basically stripping down to her skivvies while walking to a cemetery that's on fire. That is so fucking metal.

"Make Me Wanna Die" Video

"Hunger" by Florence + the Machine

This is the first single from Florence’s new album, “High as Hope,” which came out a couple weeks ago. The single was actually released about three months ago, in early May, and I’ve been pretty obsessed with it since then. It’s a good secret dancing song. By “secret dancing,” I mean the dancing that I assume all girls do when they’re listening to music by themselves, the kind of dancing you do with wild abandon that would be fairly embarrassing if someone walked in on you. That’s why it’s secret. Obviously. Florence Welch engages in some secret dancing in the video for “Hunger.” In fact, I’ve stolen some of her moves to incorporate into my repertoire.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about what my “hunger” is. A lot of my life, I’ve felt this emptiness – something Florence alludes to (I thought that love was a kind of emptiness) – but I knew I was longing for something.  It didn’t take me long to identify it. I had a lonely childhood and I carried that loneliness into adulthood, in spite of myself, no matter how hard I've tried to reach out. I’ve always wanted someone to know everything about me, someone who wanted to know everything about me.  Because I want to know everything about me. Isn’t that point of all of it – all the shadow work, all the Buzzfeed quizzes telling me which Disney princess I am (it's Belle...it's always Belle), all the journaling? Isn’t that the reason for this blog? The aching hope that someone is out there, reading, wanting to understand my madness? That’s why I write, so that whoever is out there trying to understand has something to work with. Because I want them to know.

I write about music because that’s the best way for me to cope with my life. My favorite songs are the ones that apply to something I’m going through or give me inspiration for the stories I want to write.  That’s why Florence + the Machine is my favorite artist. I feel like every lyric she writes could’ve come straight from my soul. And I’m not even sure I believe in souls (I think I do, but – shh – don’t tell The Husband). When I first heard her second album, “Ceremonials,” I became obsessed with the idea that she was a witch, too. After a while, I came to think that it was probably just projection.  That everyone who I felt intensely connected with – even if I didn’t know them personally - must be a witch, because don’t we recognize our own kind? Well, turns out I was at least sort of right. Florence Welch was on “Late Night with Seth Meyers” a couple weeks ago talking about the coven she started when she was a teenager. Learning this makes me feel so much less alone, because I was also a pretty weird kid who always wanted to start her own coven. But I’m also pretty glad I was so strange because normal is boring. In addition to “High as Hope,” Florence also released a book of poetry called “Useless Magic.” Both the album (vinyl version, of course) and the book are safely at the top of my Amazon wishlist.

Favorite Lyrics:

I thought that love was on the stage,

Giving yourself to strangers.

You don’t have to be afraid.

I also really love the following repeated verse that leads into the chorus:

Tell me what you need, Oh, you look so free!

The way you use your body, baby, Come on and work it for me.

Don’t let it get you down, You’re the best thing I’ve seen

We never found the answer but we knew one thing

We all have a hunger! (repeated x8)

"Hunger" Video

"Confident" by Demi Lovato

Okay, here's that Demi Lovato song I was talking about last week in the Paper Bag post. As I've said before, Demi Lovato recovered from an eating disorder and she also struggles with Bipolar Disorder, as well. She's done a lot of work on herself in order to be happy and accept her body the way it is - and it definitely shows. Demi did a semi-nude photo shoot once, as a way to say, "Hey! I'm beautiful and my eating disorder didn't destroy me." People gave her a lot of shit about it, because even while healthy, Demi Lovato is fairly fit. But, as an also fairly fit former-ED sufferer, I can tell you....no matter how thin/fit/beautiful you are, taking pictures and liking them - or even accepting that you don't look disgusting - is hard.

Anyway, so I got promoted at my job and I've been trying to look more professional. And yesterday, my boss gave me a compliment, to which I replied, "I'm trying." And he said "I've been noticing you've been trying a lot lately. It's good." I mean, I took the compliment and thanked him but it made me wonder....how lousy did I look before my promotion? I thought I just looked normal but apparently, at least once in a while, I looked kind of frumpy. Which I understand. I still wear no make-up most days but I always do my hair. And I'm trying to spend more on myself because I'm always telling others to "Treat Yoself!" but I hardly ever practice what I preach. I've been feeling a lot better about myself since I started doing that, so apparently that shit works. Self-care works, people!

My son - poor soul - seems to really like contemporary pop music (i.e., Taylor Swift, Meghan Trainor, Ariana Grande, etc.) so I stumbled upon "Confident" while clicking through his music videos (which have completely ruined The Husband's recommendations....so file that in the "win" pile). It's a very powerful song - Demi's been collaborating with Fall Out Boy a lot and you can definitely see the influence in the opening music. It's definitely what I'd call a "Girl Anthem" and all you ladies out there should use it as such. Just consider the words in my favorite verse:

I used to hold my freak back

Now I'm letting go

I make my own choice

Bitch, I run this show

So leave the lights on

No, you can't make me behave

Remember that everyday and you'll be good. I'm loving the video, too. Because it ends with the girls turning the tables their oppressors. In related news, I'm reading a really great book with similar themes - "Becoming Dangerous," which is a series of essays compiled by Katie West from Fiction & Feeling publishing. I highly recommend it.

"Confident" Video

"Fancy" by Iggy Azalea feat. Charli XCX

The Husband hates this song, but I love it so I play it every day. In fact, he's probably super annoyed that I'm blasting it on repeat now. Whatever...he has noise cancelling headphones. The toddler didn't like it either at first but now I got him dancing all crazy with his Mama whenever it's playing. Also, Iggy Azalea is a blonde, so he's into it. I don't know about that kid...Charli XCX is more my type. Trust me, he'll learn eventually that brunettes are the best.

Let's talk about this song. Iggy is basically saying, "I know I'm a little bit extra but that's what makes me awesome." As someone who is also "fancy," I'm really feeling that today. I got a lot done even though, technically, it was kind of a down day at my work due to the holiday. I was seriously killing it - I was banging out tasks I've been putting off, my cyber discussion game was on point, and I felt super charismatic which meant I was talking to everyone and just generally enjoying life. I was being my best self, not giving a fuck what anybody thought because I was doing my own thing, and it felt great. Now, I just gotta keep that mindset everyday. Film star, yeah I'm deluxe. Classic, expensive, you don't get to touch. Ow! Those are my favorite lyrics in the song, if you couldn't tell.

The video is a parody of "Clueless," which is a just a 90s re-make of the timeless Jane Austen novel, "Emma." I went through a phase where Jane Austen was my favorite author - and that made me so much better than everyone else. As the only 11-year-old who read - not just one - but TWO Jane Austen novels, I felt like that made me a badass. "Oh, you haven't read 'Pride & Prejudice'? Get away from me, peasant." Just kidding! But seriously, it was worth 25 points in the Accelerated Reader program, which meant I met my quota for the year in one go. As any true millennial girl, I love the movie "Clueless." Who didn't fall in love with Paul Rudd in that film? If you didn't, you have no taste - I'm still kind of crushing on him and he's like 50 now. Although, he's considerably more scruffy these days and that certainly helps.

Aside from being a brilliant adaptation of a classic story, "Clueless" showcased the pinnacle of 90s fashion, which the "Fancy" video expertly mirrors. OH! The yellow plaid suit - true story, I had a friend in high school who actually had this outfit and wore it pretty regularly. In fact, she kind of looked like Iggy Azalea, to be honest. Coincidence?! Yeah...probably....The crop tops - I have a lot of these still and don't wear them near enough....too self-conscious but the wanna-obliques are coming along so maybe I'll have a little bit of courage later this summer. And who can forget wearing knee-high socks with everything, including gym clothes. I'm not sure this trend should be brought back or if I'm the right person to do it. Maybe for Halloween. Video below.

"Fancy" Video

"There She Goes" by Sixpence None the Richer

Ever since I searched for that LFO video, YouTube thinks I must be nostalgic for the 90s (which I am....always). And for some reason in particular, it feels like I should be listening to Sixpence None the Richer, which I don't honestly hear too often. I like them, I just didn't like them enough to buy an entire album. Of course, every girl loves "Kiss Me." In fact, that could've been the Song du Jour....but I didn't feel like going back to prom today.

Instead, I've chosen the only other song Sixpence is known for, which is their cover of "There She Goes." This song was originally written by UK punk band, The La's. According to Wikipedia, this song is either about "heroin or just unrequited love." Just unrequited love?! Like it's some trivial thing, not that some guy is dying inside over a girl? Which, I would like to say, I'm actually really happy that they didn't change the lyrics just because Leigh Nash was singing it. Because girls can have unrequited crushes on other girls, too. Also looking at Wikipedia, apparently Sixpence None the Richer is from New Braunfels, TX, which isn't too far from here. That's my surprising fact for the day.

I really like the video....mostly because Adam Goldberg is in it (I have a thing for scruffy Jewish-looking guys....I don't know what the politically correct way to say that is). I don't know why, but I always thought his psycho roommate character on "Friends" - Eddie Menuek - was kinda hot, in a slightly scary way. It's not even that interesting a video - it's just Goldberg chasing after some beautiful mystery girl while Leigh sings about it and does that sweet, seductive thing with her eyes. It has a good color palette - mostly gray tones so that Leigh's red lipstick and blue eyes really stand out. You know...now that I'm listening to the lyrics....maybe it is about heroin addiction? "There she goes / There she goes again / And I just can't contain / This feeling that remains...." When I was younger, I thought that last lyric was " I just can't contain / This feeling that we made," which explains why I would think it was a love song, not just another drug-addled song of longing and pain. Which it absolutely is.

Including both versions of the song, for your musical education. The Sixpence version is pretty true to the original, it just sounds different (purer? more ethereal?) with a female voice.

Sixpence None the Richer Version

The La's Version