After three years of celebrating, I think you know what today is. It's motherfucking T-Swift's birthday. And, like a boss, she dropped - not just one - but two new albums in the thick of this hot mess we call 2020. "folklore" was released on July 24 (7+2+4=13) and she put out "evermore" last week, on December 11 (which, weirdly enough, does not add up to 13). She's been keeping busy in her log cabin deep in the woods. At least, that's how I like to picture her - walking through the trees at dusk, sipping tea on her porch as the light filters through the leaves, writing songs by candlelight. In her own words, she just couldn't stop writing. I hear you, Taylor. Same, my dear, same. But I'll write more about that in my New Year's post. I haven't been able to sit down and fully listen through these albums yet. "Sister albums" as she called them, because the songs in them intertwine, continue, and reflect the stories in each other. I prefer to let myself discover them in my own time, because I know when I need it most, the right Taylor Swift song will float into my awareness and make things better.
Let's get one thing perfectly straight - both of these albums are masterpieces. Swift is at her best when she's occupying the grey space between pop and country - squarely in indie folk music territory. The songs in these albums are vulnerable. She knows she's a complicated person, but she has been able to integrate her darkness with her light through her art in a way that so few learn how to do in this life. And, although she took inspiration from all over and she claims some of the stories she tells in her music are fictional, all the songs are strangely personal. People like to bash Swift - to make fun of her and revel in her failures to quell their own insecurities. They say she's not that remarkable. But she is. And as she softens with age and experience, she becomes even more unstoppable.
I can see you standin', honey
With his arms around your body
Laughin' but the joke's not funny at all
And it took you five whole minutes
To pack us up and leave me with it
Holdin' all this love out here in the hall
"exile" is a collaboration with indie folk band, Bon Iver. And that's how you know T-Swift really is The Man - she's collaborated with some surprising musicians and people in the industry, no matter what genre of music they create, respect her talent. If you ain't shit, no one wants to work with you. That's just how it is. "exile" is perhaps the most critically acclaimed of all the songs on "folklore" and I can understand why. In just a few short weeks, it has become one of my Unskippables, an honor only one other Taylor Swift song can claim ("Everything Has Changed"). It's a duet - you know how I love duets - where we see both sides of a painful and unexpected breakup. Both sides are full of regret, still holding on to love, but seeing the situation as unfixable. Justin Vernon's (Bon Iver) soulful voice puts a lot of emotion into that first verse, but my favorite part is the vocalization afterwards. He sounds like a wolf howling and the sound is so sad, it tears at my heart. There's a wildness to it and I have an incurable soft spot for wild things.
I can see you starin', honey
Like he's just your understudy
Like you'd get your knuckles bloody for me
Second, third, and hundredth chances
Balancin' on breaking branches
Those eyes add insult to injury
For Taylor's part, her lyrics are thoughtful and the words she chooses are heavy with meaning. For example, calling her new boyfriend the male singer's understudy. In theatre, we're taught the understudy is just as good, because they have to fill in the role when the main player can't be there. But in the back of your mind, you know that - if they were just as good - they would've been given the part outright. The understudy is a placeholder, and even though they may know the lines and how to play the part, there's just something missing. But it seems unfair to point it out. Even the title of song - "exile" - has a certain connotation. With a significant Cancer placement (Moon in Cancer), Swift associates Love with the feeling of home, of being safe, of being cared for - the deep intimacy of being privy to something intangible, that only you know. That is evident in the phrases she picks - "you were my town" and "you're not my homeland anymore." In this sense, exile is a very real feeling - of having been allowed deep into another's inner world, then being suddenly forced out. It is the unsettling discomfort of being unmoored, without an anchor, shoved into the wilderness without a compass. I'm mixing my metaphors, but you get it.
So step right out
There is no amount
Of cryin' I can do for you
All this time
We always walked a very thin line
You didn't even hear me out (you didn't even hear me out)
You never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)
All this time
I never learned to read your mind (never learned to read my mind)
I couldn't turn things around (you never turned things around)
'Cause you never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)
So many signs
So many signs (you didn't even see the signs)
In the chorus, you can especially hear the hurt on both sides. There's a lack of closure. The relationship feels unfinished. Neither felt fully heard at the end but then, it doesn't sound like they even tried listening first. And reading minds - that'll just get you in trouble. If you want to know what someone's thinking, the only way to do that is to ask. And if you want someone to know what you're thinking, you've got to speak up. Something I'm trying to learn, after a lifetime of trying to read minds and anticipate everyone else's needs - and expecting them to do the same then feeling disappointed when they miss the mark. I'm particularly drawn to the seeming double meaning in Swift's use of signs. I don't think she's just referring to her attempts to get him to meet her needs. "folklore" and "evermore" are rife with symbolism, both in the songs and in the videos she's created for the singles so far. In her latest single, "willow," the video references the Golden Thread of Fate, a concept in Greek mythology that assumes every human is following their own Destiny, which is ultimately unavoidable. You can delay it, but the Universe will always keep trying to push you towards that end. In the video, it is shown connecting Taylor to her True Love (within the fantasy world she's created for these two albums). It's been a rough decade but clearly Swift still believes in fairy tales, love stories, and soul mates. No matter how many times her heart has been broken.
Swift's next year should be pretty interesting. Like myself, she has an eclipse falling very close to her birthday (solar eclipse in Sagittarius on 14 December), which is coinciding with the official end of her Saturn return (natal Saturn in Capricorn) and the Saturn-Jupiter conjunction in Aquarius will be conjunct her natal Venus in Aquarius. Yes, she should have a good year ahead of her indeed. Sharing the official lyrics video for "exile" - Taylor Swift is one of the artists that is really diligent about putting out her own lyrics videos when her albums are released. It's a really intelligent practice for two reasons - 1. She gets the views (and the money) from people watching and listening to her songs on YouTube, not some rando who spends 5 minutes with free video editing software; and 2. it allows her to control the narrative and aesthetic of the album, something she is meticulous about. Enjoy!
Continuing on our melancholic mystery tour (see what I did there?), we're going to examine a staple of sad 90s alternative ballads. Long story short - it's a metaphor. Gavin Rossdale wrote "Glycerine" for long-time girlfriend, model Jasmine Lewis. They were together for five years but ended it in the mid-90s. To hear him tell it, it was a good relationship but it became strained when Bush started to gain notoriety and Rossdale was on the road a lot. The long-distance wasn't working and they decided to go their separate ways. Rossdale has been straightforward about what the lyrics mean - Love is like a bomb. Glycerine, in most situations, is a fairly nonvolatile and useful substance. However, when combined with the right ingredients, it is explosive. That's the metaphor. Something that is safe and stable can, under certain circumstances, blow up in your face. Which is why you have to be careful.
Must be your skin that I'm sinking in
Must be for real 'cause now I can feel
And I didn't mind
It's not my kind
It's not my time to wonder why
Everything's gone white
And everything's grey
Now you're here now you're away
I don't want this
Remember that
I'll never forget where you're at
The lyrics comprise a sort of postmortem of Rossdale's breakup with Lewis. He clearly didn't want it to end and it sounds as if he's telling trying to tell her what he was feeling. The long-distance was hard for him, too. I think when a good relationship completely breaks down, it is because something very important wasn't communicated. Usually feelings. One person feels taken for granted but acts like everything is fine. Another person doesn't want to show how invested they are, so they "play it cool" and act distant. The road to heartbreak is paved with words unsaid. Without communication, people fill in the silence with their own narrative, which is usually (but not always) completely wrong and reflects the worst of their insecurities/fears.
I needed you more
You wanted us less
I could not kiss just regress
It might just be
Clear simple and plain
That's just fine
That's just one of my names
Don't let the days go by
Could've been easier on you, you, you
I had a long pop culture rant but it sounded ridiculous and unrelated, so I deleted it. Everything I think sounds ridiculous and unrelated (and delusional, at times) lately. I try to keep most of the crazy confined to my journal so I can save some of the actually smart/thoughtful stuff for here. I'm not sure I have any of that stuff left, to be honest. To quote Nick Miller from "New Girl," my brain feels like spaghetti. The dialogue on that show is truly ace.
The video for "Glycerine" evokes the idea, for me, of memories. Of course, you have Gavin Rossdale playing guitar and looking tortured. That's all good. But then you have these less focused shots of a woman in a bare apartment interspersed with the musical scenes. I love the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." In it, two people, Joel and Clementine, erase their relationship with each other from their memory using new technology. In the film, the audience sees the memories from Joel's perspective as their being erased. At some point, Joel realizes he doesn't really want to forget. I find myself replaying certain memories and I don't know why because it hurts intensely. I just realized today that I'm replaying them so I don't lose them. And that's probably why they are so clear.
Also, it fucking pisses me off that this song uses the British spelling. Just thought I'd throw that out there, just in case anyone else felt the same. You're not alone.
Spotify has this feature where it will take all the songs you listen to most often (within the last couple months or so, depending on how long you've been using Spotify) and put them into a personalized playlist named "On Repeat." Over the next few posts, I've decided to share a few songs that have recently landed on my "On Repeat" playlist. Some of them are new discoveries, some of them are forgotten gems, and probably too many of them are mid-90s to early-00s classics. Also, I'm very aware that this blog has been heavy on female-fronted music lately and this will add a lot more vocal/genre diversity.
"Barely Breathing" was released in 1996. It's about a guy who is starting to realize his girlfriend's emotional outbursts are manipulative. Her excessive emotionality is not actually the love he's wanting from her. She's using her tears - or more specifically, his empathy - to get what she wants out of him without actually reciprocating his feelings or meeting his needs in the relationship. Obviously, he cares for her but he's catching on that it's not as mutual as she says it is. In the lyrics to "Barely Breathing," it sounds like he's decided to walk away. And maybe he's done this in the past and he's gone back to her after she offered an empty apology, a lot of tears and excuses, and maybe even some sex. But this time, he knows she's not going to change and, if he gives in, he's just going to be in this same situation again. And when you're having the same conversations over and over again with someone, guess what? You're stuck in a pattern. And, at some level, they know you'll settle for whatever they're willing to give because you're more invested than they are. A second chance is okay. You might even be able to justify a third chance. But anything more than that is self-betrayal.
I know what you're doing
I see it all too clear
I only taste the saline
When I kiss away your tears
You really had me goin'
Wishin' on a star
The black holes that surround you
Are heavier by far
I believed in your confusion
You were so completely torn
It must've been that yesterday
Was the day that I was born
There's not much to examine
There's nothing left to hide
You really can't be serious
If you have to ask me why
I say goodbye
I follow Dr. Nicole LePera and watch a lot of her videos. She says that compromising on our needs and settling for a situation that makes us unhappy is self-betrayal. What Sheik's girlfriend is probably doing is called "breadcrumbing" and it's a common behavior in toxic relationships. Essentially, she's doing just enough so he won't leave, but she has no interest in doing any more than that. And that's fine but they probably shouldn't be in a relationship if she's not at least willing to try to meet his minimum needs and vice versa. People get stuck in these relationship patterns out of subconscious fears. In the past, Sheik probably accepted how she treated him because he had a misguided belief that what he wanted in a relationship was "too much" and was afraid asking her to meet his needs would result in her leaving him. With the right person/people, you won't be afraid of asking for what you want and they won't make you feel like you're asking for too much. If you ask them to change their behavior, they will. And not just for a couple of weeks or months - they'll make a conscious effort to meet your needs and respect your boundaries for the long term. And that's what reciprocity and mutual affection looks like.
'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
I don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price
And worth the price, the price that I would pay
But I'm thinking it over anyway
I'm thinking it over anyway
I'm one of those people for whom emotional pleas are super effective. I can't stand it when I see someone crying, I feel compelled to try and help. Or at least listen. My upbringing has resulted in me being hypersensitive to emotional cues and, in some cases, I'm even over reactive to them. My default assumption when someone close isn't talking to me is that they're angry with me (a remnant of liberal neglect, withholding affection, and the silent treatment). However, on the plus side, it has turned me into a human lie detector. Maybe it's made me a bit cynical but I think tears that come out during conflict are manipulative. Some people have learned to use them as weapons (and, not to be sexist but in my experience, most of them are women). And the tears always come out when you're trying to hold them accountable for their bad behavior and poor treatment of you. Sheik brings this up in the lyrics - "I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears" - he knows there's nothing real behind them. Purely mechanical. They are always accompanied by a lot of excuses, but no real apologies or acceptance of responsibility. They play the victim - "Oh, I was feeling some sort of way so I took it out on you." You assume they feel bad because they're crying but they just feel bad because you're not letting them get away with things. The tears are a distraction to make you feel guilty for bringing it up. But actions speak louder than words and the best apology is changed behavior. What they do after you talk to them matters more than any tearful promises they make in the moment.
But Duncan Sheik is human and he has a heart. He knows he probably shouldn't go into this situation again, especially now that he can see the pattern. But he cares about this person - maybe even loves her - so he's "thinking it over anyway." He shouldn't. Based on the rest of the lyrics, he knows what he should do. Sticking around when someone is hurting you isn't love - it's codependency. He's the one who is "barely breathing," which shows that - in these situations - walking away hurts you more than it hurts them, no matter how emotional they seem to be. And that's ultimately what this song is about.
::WARNING:: There are spoilers to the end of "Community" in this post. And a lot of spoilers to other parts of the show, for explanatory purposes. I know the show ended in like 2012 but I'm sure there are plenty of people - like myself - who weren't able to finish the show until it popped up on Netflix at the beginning of quarantine. If you don't like spoilers, I recommend not reading any more. ::END::
It's been a month and I've finally fully emotionally processed the end of "Community." Yes, the Annie and Jeff story line was resolved. No, it's not the happy ending you'd expect, but it's the happy ending that seems the most realistic. It was satisfying, in a way, because the ultimate question was answered and that is - were the writer's just playing with our emotions? Was this just a fun side story for them to poke at once in a while for jokes? No, my friends, it wasn't and they weren't. It was real. And, much like life, we just have to accept that it's closure even though it doesn't fully feel like it.
The infuriating thing about Annie and Jeff's relationship is the attraction is made obvious about mid-way through Season 1. This happens in many shows and it's a common trope that often precludes the demise of a show - i.e., if the two characters get together, you kill the sexual tension that keeps the audience watching. Rarely is there a story-relevant purpose for keeping the characters apart other than this. However, as we've discussed, "Community" is all about Jeff's psychological evolution from being a self-centered loner who fears intimacy to being a (somewhat) healthy individual with a network of close friends. His choice not to pursue Annie is, ironically, the most unselfish thing he does on the show. From the beginning, Jeff's penchant of hitting on women with no consideration of the consequences is apparent. But after their kiss in the Season 1 finale, he puts Annie in a box labeled "Do Not Touch" and it's not always clear why. Yes, the age thing is an issue but it gets considerably less cringy as the show goes on. And, as we get to know Jeff, we realize that age wouldn't have been an issue for him if he didn't have genuine feelings for Annie. And we know it's not the friend thing, because he has no problem having sex with Britta and then going back to their same dynamic the rest of the time. In fact, their ability to just end their sexual relationship without either of them having lingering feelings demonstrates how little emotional connection they have. Meanwhile, a kiss with Annie - a supposedly meaningless kiss to win a debate competition - throws his inner world into chaos for the next 5 seasons (although he's good at hiding it). Ironically, his attempts to not accept and deal with his feelings is what makes the situation even harder for him, whereas Annie's ability to accept how she feels and surrender her attachment to the outcome - a common subplot for her in several episodes - is what allows her to move on.
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'till the moment I'm gone
"Gravity" is featured in one of the final episodes of Season 2, when Britta and Jeff's friends-with-benefits situation is revealed to the rest of the group. To understand this, let's revisit the final episodes of Season 1 - during the chaos of a heated paintball battle, Jeff and Britta have sex. Then, during the final dance of the school year, Britta announces that she loves Jeff in front of everyone, which leads the teacher who recently dumped him to also declare her love for him. This leaves Jeff in a pretty awkward situation - caught between two women who supposedly "love" him asking for him to make a choice in front of the entire school. Jeff walks out and runs into Annie, who has decided she is not going to move away with her boyfriend after all, because she doesn't want to leave her life and friends at Greendale behind yet. This results in Jeff and Annie sharing a passionate kiss - and that's how the season finale ends. When they both return to school the next year, he tells her it didn't mean anything. Fast forward to the end of Season 2, after learning about Jeff and Britta, she asks, "What about us?" Jeff is understandably confused, which leads to a montage of tender moments between the two of them set to "Gravity." The connection is palpable but Jeff says you can do the same thing with any two characters (Abed and Pierce is the example). Since "Community" uses TV tropes to tell stories, the show does another montage - and it sort of works but is mostly ridiculous, which underscores the level of denial Jeff is in. This denial continues throughout the next few seasons and we almost believe it most of the time. In fact, Annie is the one who comes off a little bit childish and delusional at times. After some growing up and uncomfortable situations, Annie comes to the conclusion maybe she was just imagining that Jeff had romantic feelings for her and gradually begins to move on with her life.
You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love
And not feel your reign
This triggers a minor mental breakdown for Jeff. In one episode towards the end of the series, he ends up in the hospital after drinking almost a whole bottle of whiskey on his 40th birthday. To be honest the last few seasons are a lot more serious and thought-provoking, with less of the ridiculous antics that "Community" was initially known for. This was a natural evolution of character development on a show whose initial premise - a group of random strangers forming a study group at a community college - became less realistic as the characters grew older. Some had a somewhat logical path to staying in that environment - Jeff starts teaching pre-law basics after he graduates. Others had a less compelling reason to stay, triggering Jeff's fear of abandonment, even though it made sense for the others to take different paths. The final episode addresses this directly. Abed, whose schtick is breaking the fourth wall and acting as if they were in a TV show ("so meta"), explains that it was inevitable the show would fall apart. The cast takes turns imagining what the next "season" would be like, assuming they all stayed. Jeff starts to panic as Abed's wisdom takes hold and reality sets in. He runs to their favorite study room and he imagines the future he actually wants - and to his surprise, it's domestic bliss with Annie. Fantasy Annie asks him if that's what he really wants and he says "yes" but then he realizes he's not sure if it's what Annie wants. In the final scene, Annie walks in on Jeff and they talk about what they want - and what they want, though vague, makes sense. Annie wants to be a grown up and Jeff wishes he had a second chance to be young. What's clear in this scene is they both still have strong feelings for each other but Jeff accepts that - even if Annie still wanted a life with Jeff - she deserves a chance to explore other possible futures. To do that, she needs to follow through with her internship at the FBI. They share one final passionate kiss before they are joined by the rest of the ensemble.
And that, my friends, is how Jeff Winger grew a heart. The lesson here is harsh. There is such a thing as true love - but sometimes the timing isn't right. And sometimes, indulging in the fantasy of "happily ever after" isn't the best thing for the two characters involved. And I must say I agree with Dan Harmon's (the show creator) assessment of how the final episode dealt with Annie and Jeff: "I'm comfortable with the realization that he's genuinely in love with her, but that's a separate thing from whether that's actually good for her." The age gap gets more palatable by the end of the series but that doesn't distract from the fact that these two characters are in completely different parts of their lives, a fact underscored by their last conversation alone. Ultimately, Annie goes on with her life but what happens next is open-ended. Since we haven't gotten the #andamovie yet, anything is possible. Maybe Annie and Jeff do end up together when she returns from her internship. Or maybe they both move on to healthy partnerships while maintaining their friendship. We might never know, but at least the ending we've been given allows both characters a path to happiness.
Set me free, leave me be I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity Here I am, and I stand So tall, just the way I'm supposed to be But you're on to me and all over me
Side tangent: While I always thought I was more of an Annie, it's become increasingly clear I also have a heavy dose of Abed in my personality, too. It's not even an equal split - I'd say, if I'm really being honest with myself, I'm about 59% Abed, 41% Annie. Lately, I'll reply the affirmative to people with the following - "Cool. Cool, cool, cool." - and I'm honestly not sure if I did that before I started watching "Community" or if that's something I picked up from the show. The fact that no one has noticed makes me think I definitely spoke like that before. One of my team member's wives thought I was blonde before meeting me - seriously, the first thing she said to me was, "Oh - I thought you were blonde, based on what [her husband] told me about you." Which makes me wonder - what the hell did he tell her about me? Probably that I'm a spaz and that my four-dollar words are peppered between "like" and "totally." I talk like Cher Horowitz in "Clueless" and I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. Also, I may have been caught one-too-many times demonstrating the "Party All the Time" dance. Once. I've been caught once....at work....and it wasn't one of my finest moments.
Anyway, on "Community," I would say Abed is probably my favorite character. He's autistic and he filters his world through the lens of a filmmaker and he relates a lot of the situations to things he's seen in TV shows and movies in order to make sense of his world. And, although I'm not autistic, I deeply understand and appreciate the value of that perspective, because it's one I share with Abed. It's one of the reasons I love hearing about other people's experiences and I believe you can learn a lot about a person through the films, shows, books, and music they choose to consume - and more importantly, the "why" behind their choices. And although movies, TV shows, and novels are fiction, they are loosely based on real human experiences. Maybe someone hasn't had the exact same experience as portrayed in a story, but it's close enough that they can find meaning and learn something about their own lives and behaviors as a result. Or, at least, this is the goal of good storytelling and - through extension - good acting. I have always believed that acting is the Art of Being Human and, in order to be a great actor, you have to be a highly empathetic person. I think the same thing is true of being a great writer. Both actors and writers have to imagine what it's like to be other people, even if those other people are completely different from them. And if you're able to imagine how other people are thinking and feeling, you're able to show compassion on a deeper level - both for others and yourself. This is also why diverse representation is important in media - seeing how others backgrounds influence their behavior gives the reader/viewer an opportunity to emphathize and understand another's perspective. It is through processing his life through his understanding of pop culture that Abed is able to grow as an individual and develop intimate connections that might've been otherwise hindered due to being non-neurotypical. It's important to know he doesn't always get it right but in those instances where he gets it wrong, he has a support network of compassionate people who are willing to guide him in the right direction. Not everyone has that and we know that makes a world of difference when people are navigating their life.
I know this has been a long post but apparently, I'm just throwing up on a blank screen now. It may surprise you to know this isn't even a fraction of the things I've been pondering lately - but I'm saving those thoughts for my next project. This song is thoughtful and, though simple and muted, evokes a pensive response. Which is why I imagine it was chosen for this episode of "Community." To me, it really embodies the 8 of Swords energy - she feels trapped but it's entirely within her power to escape the situation....if she wanted to. Just another fun idea I had - mapping the Tarot to a playlist of songs. Even typing it sounds like fire. BTW I find "Gravity" to be an excellent karaoke song - we have the same range and similar vocal quality and style, so I can usually sing Sara Bareilles songs fairly decent. She has what we would call a "straight" singing voice, which means she doesn't have a natural vibrato when she sings. It works well for most Big Band and Broadway musical styles. A vibrato singing style tends to be more common in opera and R&B. Most pop singers don't really develop a vibrato but for those that do, it gives a unique quality to their music. I'm just rambling now so, please, enjoy the video below for "Gravity."
"Love Ridden" is my favorite Fiona Apple song. I haven't been listening to it a lot because it makes me sad but it's easily one of her most beautiful ballads. It's also one of the most heartbreaking. I've flirted with the idea of learning the piano accompaniment. As a party trick, something I can perform on a whim. I don't have much more to say about this song, except I wanted to share it today. Because I felt like writing something but I didn't know what. And the lyrics speak for themselves.
I looked into Fiona's chart, just to understand how her placements might contribute to her speaking to me on the level that they do. She has a lot of amazing placements in her chart. Moon in Virgo, which can sometimes be a difficult placement. It can translate into a strong desire to feel needed in relationships. With Venus in Leo, this is coupled with a strong desire to be wanted in a relationship and associating being wanted with getting a lot of attention. This is evident from the lyrics in "Love Ridden" - when faced with a situation where she feels increasingly unloved and unwanted, she'd rather distance herself than confront it head on. This is a very Virgo thing - they never want to be a burden and, oftentimes, they believe asking for what they need to feel loved is burdensome to others. In fact, they'd think of accepting the end of the relationship, even if it isn't what they want, as setting the other person free. Besides having a Virgo stellium and a very prominent Leo placement, she has an interesting play on essential dignities. Her Jupiter is Exalted in Cancer but her Mars is in Fall in Cancer. Let's talk about how that works out.
Love ridden, I've looked at you
With the focus I gave to my birthday candles
I've wished on the lidded blue flames...
Under your brow
And baby, I wished for you!
Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed
And I wanna...
Crawl in with you
But I cry instead
I want your warmth, but it will only make me colder
When it's over
So I can't tonight, baby!
Mars is the planet of war, fury, and passion and it actually holds domicile in another water sign, Scorpio. But where Scorpio revels in vengeance, Cancer sees it as dangerous and selfish. Where Scorpio translates "passion" in sexual terms, Cancer is more romantic in the approach (a very Venusian perspective). When a planet is in its Fall, it is at a severe disadvantage. For Mars, that often means that Martian themes are repressed and often redirected inwards. Mars in Cancer is very much like the cast members at Disneyworld. As much as they'd like to punch that rude parent in the face and tell them to go fuck themselves, they'll most likely put on a fake smile and say "Have a magical day!" instead. (My little sister said that if I a cast member says that, they're telling you to fuck off. She has a ton of amazing yet surreal stories like this from her stint as a corporate prisoner at Disneyworld.) When angry, a person with Mars in Cancer might pout and sulk about a grievance when what they'd really like to do is toss your phone across the room. Or take a sledgehammer to your computer. Or just strangle you a little bit. Or fuck you until you're too sore to move. Or maybe they'd combine the latter two, because some people are into that, especially when they're insanely repressed. I'm sure there's a whole book on the astrology of sexual kinks that I have yet to discover (and will probably Google after I finish writing). But you can't write this placement off as being a coward because they have no issue standing up and fighting for others. It's advocating for themselves - speaking for their own needs, their own desires, their own boundaries - that becomes difficult. Mostly out of fear of harming or burdening others. Anger might be focused inwardly, as it is the only acceptable place for it to go. As a result, this can be a very self-destructive placement. If you listen to Fiona's songs, they all have this super chill vibe but the actual lyrics are often expressing anger or disappointment, at both the people she loves and at herself.
Conversely, Jupiter is Exalted in Cancer. A planet in exaltation is like a person who is on vacation - their inhibitions are lifted and they are open to new experiences. For a planet like Jupiter, it heightens its expansiveness, good fortune, and focus on big ideas. Where her Moon in Virgo might manifest as a person who is emotionally inhibited, Jupiter in Cancer eases that hesitation to be more emotionally honest. I also have a feeling that this placement manifests as someone who believes in True Love without question - open to the idea of soulmates and the hope of a perfect match. They can handle matters of the heart without issue and can be relied on to provide sound relationship advice, especially when it comes to disappoint in love. This is also considered to be an extremely lucky placement - for example, Taylor Swift becoming an iconic musical artist (and one of the wealthiest) before she even got close to turning 30. Or like Jennifer Lawrence winning her first Oscar....when she was only 22. Or Steve Jobs becoming the poster child for tech wizardry and innovation for an entire generation. Doing research on this placement, there is an extreme number of A-list celebrities and politicians with Jupiter in Cancer. However, I did note that several died young and usually at the height of their career (e.g., Kurt Cobain, Heath Ledger, James Dean), so it sounds like it can be a double-edged sword. Much like Icarus flying too close to the Sun.
No! Not "baby" anymore!
If I need you I'll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, we'll only have to wave
My hand won't hold you down, no more!
The path is...
Clear to follow through
I stood too long in the way of the door!
And now, I'm giving up on...
You!
Finally, I wanted to note that Fiona Apple has natal Mercury Retrograde in Virgo. I know what you're thinking - Oh no! Not Mercury Retrograde! As someone who also has a natal Mercury Retrograde (in Cancer), there's a lot of good things about this placement. It is often said that this placement can manifest as difficulty in being understood. But that is par for the course - misunderstanding can be expected when you simply see the world differently from others. Though Mercury Retrograde natives may have problems with communication and being misunderstood early in their lives, they often are considered some of the greatest communicators when they grow up. This placement bestows a way of explaining things that helps others see things in a different light. They are often seen as great connectors, bringing together people who feel like outsiders in some way. They often have a keen (albeit dark) sense of humor and can see the bright side in generally shitty situations. They tend to be able to put difficult emotions into words others can understand and connect to. And they often become advocates for those who aren't able to speak for themselves. Some Mercury Retrograde natives include Angelina Jolie (in Gemini), Lady Gaga (in Pisces), and Monica Lewinsky (in Cancer).
Guess this was my roundabout way of saying Mercury is about to go Retrograde in Cancer this Thursday. Get ready to feel all the feels - because this summer is going to be a long one. I can tell already.
I started drafting a rant for another song but then the sheer amount of stuff I need to do between today and tomorrow became real for me all of a sudden. I just baked approximately 50 cupcakes that will need to be frosted at some point, my backseat is filled with sticks we spray-painted silver (it's best not to ask), I haven't packed yet for our hotel stay, and when I get to the hotel tomorrow morning, there's 250+ balloons waiting to be blown up. Oh Joy. More Gemini Rising bullshit. My advice - don't do this to yourself. I'm a highly seasoned professional with years of experience volunteering to do labor-intensive nonsense for fun and profit. Just kidding - I've never profited from this stuff, not by any reasonable measure. I should probably remedy that, somehow. Suffice it to say, there won't be a post tomorrow. But Sunday's rant will hopefully be better because I won't be feeling rushed or stressed over party planning shenanigans. For the last month, I've seriously considered putting up the following sign:
I still might put it up - pot luck season isn't over yet.
Step out into the Indian dust
I can feel the cracks in my spirit
They're starting to bust
Drive by your house, nobody's home
I'm trying to tell myself that I'm better off alone
All of my friends say I should move on
She's just another girl, don't let her stick it to your heart so hard
And all of my friends say it wasn't meant to be
And it's a great big world, she's just another girl
YouTube has been pushing the music video for this song a lot lately. Because the algorithm knows my comfort zone....which is apparently early 2010s indie alternative rock. Predictable. But they got me, so clearly it's accurate. I liked it so it's been added to the appropriate playlists and I am sharing it today. It's about the stereotypical words of encouragement people say when your heart's broken that aren't as helpful as they think they are. After only having heard this song like last week, I already have a theory for the video. In the video, there's a pretty blonde girl who is lip-synching the lyrics. I think she was in "Glee" but I'm not sure because I was never into that show (which is weird, because I was all about choir in high school). I'm pretty sure the blonde is supposed to be the girl in question. Essentially, she's pretending to be the lead singer (by wearing his clothes and doing the things he'd normally be doing) because she took a part of him with her. Or maybe it means he doesn't believe she is "just another girl" because he feels she was the mirror image of himself - his metaphorical other half. Or maybe it was just a good reason to put Dianna Agron (I looked her up) in a bunch of awesome outfits. And her hair is amazing in the video - I'm not sure I could pull it off. I think I'd have to get bangs and I'd rather not. Fun fact: Dianna Agron's brother actually is named Jason so the song could be about her (but I suspect it's just a common name he picked to protect the innocent - the names in songs hardly ever point directly to an actual person). And after watching the video a few times, the replication of the looks from other Killers' music videos is made very intentional. Anyway, at the end of the video, Agron just walks away and she's not really part of the final scene. The lead singer is back to being himself, which makes me think that maybe she's not just another girl because she (or rather, the heartbreak she caused) inspired him to channel his intensity into his music. Everyone needs a muse.
There was a tweet I read a while back that asserted that "You can think Selena Gomez's music is terrible and think 'Love You Like a Love Song' is the greatest song in the history of mankind. People like us exist!" I found it funny because that song is legitimately manufactured and awful yet hyper-catchy and captures a feeling that we've all gone through at some point. I do not fully agree with the tweet because I don't think Selena Gomez's music is completely terrible, even the early stuff. Lately, it's gotten considerably better, which is why I think she's one of the few people who has made the successful switch from Disney start to pop idol. The artists who have longevity are the ones who can consistently transform themselves and still retain the je ne sais quoi which brought them public attention in the first place. It's harder than it sounds, especially when you're not fully in control of the music you're producing.
Recently, she dropped two new singles - (not so) coincidentally, they were released on the first day of Scorpio season. Personally, I think this was intentional because both songs were about the transformation she had to go through to get over Justin Bieber and Scorpio is the sign of transformation and rebirth. Celebrities have been a lot more open about their interest in spirituality, including more woo-woo aspects of the New Age, and astrology in particular has gained a lot of traction in the past year. As much as I like to think I'm a trendsetter, I'm honestly just riding the wave and not resisting what I'm being called towards. The first single, "Lose You to Love Me," was a personal ballad about how she felt so low after their breakup. How she felt she deserved the poor treatment, how she let herself forget her purpose. Really hard, deep stuff that I'm sure isn't easy for anyone to face. And she kept taking him back, because her self-esteem was so broken, she didn't think she deserved better. The second single, "Look at Her Now," is a dance song that celebrates how she's thriving after the train crash of her and Justin's relationship. She mentions that she "dodged a bullet," which she might have. Ironically, Justin Bieber and his wife have been on the defensive, saying Gomez put out these songs specifically to hurt Justin. Hailey Bieber has told reporters that he's "distraught" and Gomez is being cruel by airing out their dirty laundry. But it's art. And he clearly didn't care how much he hurt her when it was happening, so why should she censor the truth about the pain she went through just to make him more comfortable? That's not a man, that's a boy, which is why his mama (oops...wife) is speaking on his behalf. And that's about the extent I'll get into celebrity drama for today.
Obviously, based on her recent power moves, Selena Gomez is now genuinely starting to get over Justin Bieber. However, "Back to You" came out in 2018, after their most recent break up. The song is bittersweet - the melody is fairly upbeat but the lyrics are tinged with a sadness only wisdom can bring about. The message in the song is simple - their relationship wasn't great, it may have even been a mistake, but it's a mistake she would make again in a heartbeat. Every time. That's it. That's the song.
We never got it right
Playing and replaying old conversations
Overthinking every word and I hate it
'Cause it's not me ('cause it's not me)
And what's the point in hiding?
Everybody knows we got unfinished business
And I'll regret it if I didn't say
This isn't what it could be (isn't what it could be)
Let's talk about the video. I'm a Francophile in the worst way, which means I've watched way too many French movies. Most of which were made in the 1960s. Lucky for me, that's the whole aesthetic of this video. Complete with subtitles that don't exactly match the words they're speaking. It has it all - the camera shots filtered through colored light, the chic clothes, the nonsensical meet-cute that spurs the whole video into action. The lyrics of "Back to You" bring to mind a classic Jean-Luc Godard film, "Breathless," in which Jean-Paul Belmondo plays a petty thug whose reckless actions bring about his demise. Throughout the film, he turns to a naive, American love interest, Patricia (played by Jean Seberg), who he doesn't treat all that well but who seems to love him - but she betrays him, partially as a test for herself to see if she really does love him. Belmondo's character has a specific quirk where, when he's thinking, he runs his thumb across his bottom lip. At the end of the movie, as Michel dies, Patricia replicates this same quirk as she speaks the last line in the movie. I've interpreted this as, having fallen in love with this scoundrel, she has taken on some of his traits and, in a way, a part of him will always be with her. In a way, their attraction is ill-fated - they are both enamored with a romanticized image of the gangster lifestyle, which ultimately leads to the tragic end of their relationship (and Michel's life).
In more light-hearted version of this same plot, the "Back to You" video shows Selena and a Bieber doppelganger meet at a party and she proposes stealing a car. It's all fun and games until there's real consequences involved. That's when the conflict starts. It escalates until he screams at her - "You're too passionate!" And, dear friends, if anyone calls you "too" anything, that's a bad sign. Especially if they say you're "too much" - that just means they're used to not getting much and they're afraid/anxious of not being to reciprocate that. At this point, Selena announces she's going back to the party. Back to the moment when they met. And what does she do? She does it all over again.
Chaos theory hinges on tiny, seemingly insignificant events cascading into each other randomly in order to produce each moment. In a way, it makes the way things are unavoidable. In order to get to this moment - this moment right now - everything had to go a specific way. Otherwise, this moment would be different. Our reality would be different. I try not to think about the "what ifs" because they don't really exist. Right now, those possibilities are dead. I will never be this old or this young ever again. I can't go back and change my major in college. Or where I went to college or even where I was on a particular day. What I can change is how I color those decisions - were they mistakes? Or were they just the best choice available to me based on the information I had at the time? The thing to embrace about this song is she doesn't assert that her feelings are wrong - she just says this is how she feels right now. That's just how it is and she can't help it. She has a lot of compassion for herself in this song and I can image her writing in her journal, one night after it's all over for the umpteenth time, spilling all these thoughts onto a page. I feel [blank] [blank] [blank] (I imagine she says "I feel" a lot because, like me, Selena is a Cancer). No judgement. And thus ends a rather lengthy rant that went in every direction all at once and back again.
Another one of my son's favorite songs. Probably shouldn't be - this song does not reflect the healthiest of lifestyles. I think he likes the "ooh" parts and, to be honest, so do I. They're fun to sing. As you can gather from the lyrics, Tove Lo wrote this after a bad breakup. She went into a downward spiral and developed some self-destructive habits. Chief among these was excessive alcohol and drug use, hence the subtitle "Stay High." However, the song lyrics and the video are more reflective of someone who turns to promiscuity to get over their past relationship. It's the whole idea that "the fastest way to get over someone is to get under someone else," which is some Libra bullshit if I've ever heard it. Our brains and definitely our hearts don't work like that, no matter how hard we want to believe it. In case you're wondering (because, yes, I did look it up as research), Tove Lo is a Scorpio (she has a tattoo on her shoulder to prove it....such a fucking Scorpio thing to do) and, although she does have her Mars in Libra, her Venus is in Scorpio. She ain't getting over anybody if she believes they are her soul mate, no matter how many people she fucks (but it sounds like she tried her hardest....respect). The lyrics also touch on the numbness people might feel after "shadow" losses - it's like there's nothing to look forward to anymore. You're not surprised or excited about anything, but you're not disappointed about anything either. Life is just....meh. And, strangely enough, that's even more exhausting than being on an emotional roller coaster.
The video is disorienting and it's meant to be. Most of the video's perspective is shot as a close-up of Tove Lo going about her business of partying hard and lip syncing to the song. To film, she wore the camera strapped to her waist during the entire shoot. It was draining but having to carry the weight around brought into stark focus the pain she was holding onto from the experience that inspired the song. Her reactions and emotions are very real - when she breaks down in tears, that's not acting. Keep an eye on the guy with the hand tattoos, because he's critical to my understanding of the video. I had seen this video at least a couple dozen times before something clicked in my head and I fully comprehended the message the director was trying to get across. At the time, I felt really proud of myself and also really stupid, because I should've seen it earlier.
I eat my dinner in my bathtub, then I go to sex clubs
Watchin' freaky people gettin' it on
It doesn't make me nervous if anything, I'm restless
Yeah, I've been around and I've seen it all
I get home, I got the munchies, binge on all my Twinkies
Throw up in the tub then I go to sleep
And I drank up all my money, dazed and kinda lonely
Essentially, the plot of the video is Tove Lo partying all day, every day, in order to get over the person she's singing about. It seems like she's having fun in the beginning but by the end, it's clear she's not having fun at all. I believe Hand-Tattoo Guy represents the person she's trying to get over. The viewer is made to assume that he's actually there and he's one of the friends she goes out to party with. I posit that he is a figment of her imagination - even though he's not really there, he's always there because she can't get him off her mind. If you watch really carefully, there are shots where Hand-Tattoo Guy is doing something before a cut-away and when they return to the scene, it's someone else performing that action. He's like a ghost, just fading away into the shadows. Tormenting her with his elusive omnipresence. I understand how that feels - it almost makes it feel better to pretend the person is there....until that crushing moment of lucidity when you realize they aren't. Maybe this is projection (and perhaps I'm admitting a little bit too much of my crazy), but there are moments I find myself imagining someone else is there when I'm doing stuff by myself. Mundane things - like when I'm driving in the car or cooking dinner. Or having conversations with people in my head, conversations I'll probably never have because I'm so much more witty in my imagination. Occasionally, these conversations are with people I've never met or who I know I will probably never see in this life ever again. It's a way of organizing my thoughts, in order to put them in a way others will understand, because my mind tends to move faster than my mouth sometimes. It helps to have a rant prepared and in your pocket. You know....for special occasions. These blog posts often begin as imaginary conversations and I'd like to think they read better for it.
In hindsight, Tove Lo realizes the things she did to heal from this relationship - alcohol, drugs, sex - were counterproductive. Anyone with a couple decades of life experience can tell the lyrics do not describe a healthy way to deal with a situation but we've all done it at some point. Excessive drinking, party hopping because we don't want the night to end, exercising until we drop from exhaustion, burning ourselves with lighters, hopping in taxi cabs with strangers we've only known for 2 hours - the list of self-destructive tendencies is endless and, in the end, they're never satisfying. So, the question we're faced with is this - how do we heal when we've made a promise to ourselves not to be self-destructive anymore? That's the hard part. The self-destructive shit is easy - it's the comfortable way to deal, which is why we resort to that first. But those habits are just a distraction. Eventually - when the distractions stop working and aren't fun anymore - you have to take a good, long look in the mirror and accept you can't run from your feelings. And you can't change what happened. You can only change yourself. Sometimes, this means therapy (especially when addiction is involved). It always means shadow work of some kind, followed by extensive goal-setting and promise-making. And a lot of time spent finding out who you are when you're alone. This is where the magic happens, because in this space, there's a need to channel your emotions somewhere. Often, this results in the creation of something beautiful - a painting, a song, a story, a business. Something to help transmute whatever you were feeling into something enjoyable.
Merry Imbolc All! As you may have guessed, February's theme is love songs, all kinds. Sad songs, happy songs, lustful songs, break up songs, unrequited love songs - just the full gamut of this subject because, as I've mentioned before, most music written is about love, in some form or another. And, like a girl pulling petals from a daisy, you won't know if it's going to be a happy love song or a breakup song. I thought I'd go back and forth, because there are some really fucking great heartbreak songs that I know someone out there is looking for to heal Because that's how life is and you have to get through it however you can. I - personally - think music is a powerful way to pull your way through this existence. Nietzsche and I have that in common.
Anyway, no song today but a little housekeeping - my brief hiatus is over and I plan to be posting more on Music Slut again. I've gotten my energy and focus back, for the most part, so I hope to at least be writing on here at least three times a week, which seems to be a sustainable pace. Having that extra time to regain my balance was helpful and, if you regularly read this blog, thank you for your patience and understanding. Light and love, 'til tomorrow.
I'm going to keep it short for today. My trip for the holidays simultaneously wore me out and fucked up my whole plan for this month. I did have a lot more songs for this month planned out but between getting ready to travel, actually travelling, and trying to spend time with my family, I didn't get in as much writing and ranting as I would've hoped. Which is maybe a good thing. I do feel a bit rejuvenated, which means I will not be putting up with anybody's shit in 2019 - well, at least not for the first few weeks. As a result, you may have noticed I focused more on new releases for 2018 instead of just ranting about a bunch of my favorite songs (although there were a few of those thrown in). Overall, I think that was a good compromise and you'll get to hear/learn about those other songs sometime in the future.
"Youngblood" was my favorite Song of the Summer that came out in 2018. It kind of just hit like a meteor in the US, because it became 5SOS first Number 1 single on the Top 40 and it stayed at the top for over a month, which is impressive for any song, especially considering the amount of really great music that has been released lately.
Lately our conversations end like it's the last goodbye
Yeah, one of us gets too drunk and calls about a hundred times
So who you been calling, baby, nobody could take my place
When you're looking at those strangers, hope to God you see my face
5SOS has said that "Youngblood" is about the push/pull of a relationship or maybe of a relationship that the singer never quite got right. Because it's pretty clear it's over, if she's seeing other people. Or it's an on-again/off-again relationship, where they just can't let go of each other but they can't make it work either. They just keep going in this circle when really they either need to move on or actually make a commitment to be together instead of playing games. The whole song reeks of being exhausted with the whole cycle. Whether he's going after her or pushing her away, he feels like a dead man. But he needs it "all of the time." I've needed things all of the time - eventually, you just learn to live without it because you have no other choice. Especially if whatever "it" is - and in "Youngblood's" case, it's a person's love - isn't willing to be given, you can't force it. In my honest opinion, he should delete this girl out of his phone, out of his life. If he can't do that, well -- he's fucked. I don't know what to tell you. I guess he could be honest and tell her how he feels and if she's a grown up, she'll be honest too and they'll figure it out together. Or, if she is in fact a "youngblood" who can't deal with icky emotions and the realization that she's actually causing this guy a lot of pain because she's doing whatever she wants and stomping all over his heart in the process, she'll cut him out completely. Which will hurt - immensely for at least the first few weeks - but it's in both their best interests. And that was your weekly dose of Love Advice with Dr. Jess. Next week, we'll explore how to bring up polyamory in your currently monogamous relationships without a horrendous fight.
Happy Yule, my friends! For the Winter Solstice, I picked a song that explores some personal darkness. In pagan traditions, from Samhain to Yule, the focus is usually on introspection and self-awareness. In modern witchcraft, we focus a lot on shadow work as a means of enhancing our magical practice. You may have heard me mention shadow work a few times. For those of you who aren't practicing pagans/witches and/or don't have a degree in Psychology, the shadow is a concept introduced by Carl Jung, which represents all the dark/unpleasant parts of our personality that we generally try to repress or hide. Shadow work involves exploring the shadow, with a heavy emphasis on confronting our demons and becoming comfortable with expressing those parts of ourselves in a psychologically healthy manner. For example, if you drink a lot and do things you regret while under the influence, you might explore why you're drinking or why you feel like you have to drink in certain situations. Or perhaps you get irrationally angry or depressed when people bring up certain topics, you would try to understand why you have such a strong emotional reaction. This understanding is supposed to make these situations easier to handle and - in cases that involve addiction and self-destructive tendencies - be able to cope without to resorting to these things. The Alcoholics Anonymous 12 steps was influenced by Jung's theory, but even non-structured shadow work can be a helpful way to get through a lot of difficult life circumstances - eating disorders, divorce, death, job transitions - really any major changes that can affect your psychological stability.
Now that we know what shadow work is, we can discuss how to do it. It's actually pretty simple stuff.
Watch your emotional reactions and pay attention to what triggers really strong negative feelings. A lot of the time, we get angry at someone and then we realize that's something you also do. By recognizing and understanding this, we grow compassion for others and for ourselves.
Engage in an inner dialogue. This is especially important when you've hurt others. You need to step back and ask yourself, "Why did I do or say that?" When you understand your reasoning, defensiveness drops away. This allows you to be more genuine in your apologies and repair relationships more effectively. Being able to acknowledge that you were wrong and taking responsibility for the things you've done is very important if you want relationships to work. It's also important after a relationship has ended, so you can move on and not make the same mistakes.
Make peace with the "bad" parts of yourself. You don't have to be "good" all the time. Usually, what we consider as "good" is just what society has deemed as acceptable. But that doesn't mean the rest is bad. It's okay to be lazy sometimes. It's okay to be undisciplined or flakey or uncommunicative. Become comfortable with that. I think this is probably the hardest part for most people. We spend so much time trying to be perfect. But we're imperfect. And all this striving for perfect makes us forget to appreciate the good in things, because they weren't "just right" or didn't go as planned.
There are many methods to do the above things. You can journal (I personally do a lot of journaling). You can meditate. You can create something (which is where I'm going with this rant). You can do something that you're scared to do. But, no matter what you do, you have to make sure that you're cultivating self-compassion and self-awareness. You're not bashing on yourself - quite the opposite. You're actually just giving yourself the time to process your emotions and thoughts that no one else was willing to give you. And ensure that you're honest with yourself. I know there's illusions we want to cling to because it's safer, it makes us feel better - but, trust me, living in that false reality doesn't serve your highest self. Finally, after shadow work, make sure you engage in self-care. Get an ice cream or a massage or chill on the couch and watch your favorite movie (even though it makes you cry like a baby....no, fuck it - ESPECIALLY if it makes you cry like a baby).
Loving you was young, and wild, and free
Loving you was cool, and hot, and sweet
Loving you was sunshine, safe and sound
A steady place to let down my defenses
But loving you had consequences
This rant is already pretty long but I did want to address why I love this song. This is the third single from Camila Cabello's debut album, which was released at the end of October. Usually, with pop music, music executives want singles to be upbeat and catchy, but I think they got it right with "Consequences." It's incredibly vulnerable and emotionally charged, but with a softness that can only evolve from self-reflection. Cabello has said this was based on a past relationship. Based on the lyrics, I'm guessing he was an alcoholic and she tried to hold on but she was drowning. I'm listening to the rest of her album right now and it sounds like a lot of it was born out of this relationship. I know a lot of people think that pop music is vapid and shallow - and that was very true a few years ago. But I think we've gotten to a good place, where pop music has a lot of depth. You're also seeing a trend in pop artists writing their own lyrics (with a little help from professional song-writers and collaborators), so we are - in fact! - listening to their shadow work, listening to them process their emotions and inner turmoil through music. And that's all art is, essentially - someone felt an emotion really strongly that they had to create something from it. They either had to write a book or a song, they had to dance or paint, they had to fucking do something! Something to keep them from exploding from the pain or the happiness. Creation comes naturally when you're not holding stuff inside, when you're not repressing parts of yourself that make you unique.
Just a few notes on the video - Camila Cabello and Dylan Sprouse (of "The Suite Life of Zack and Cody" fame) reenact scenes from an old relationship. They're supposed to be memories, so all their scenes have them covered in a gold haze, which makes them both look like angels, even during the not-so-pleasant parts of their relationship. While those scenes are going on, Camila is walking through a park alone, looking super sad. But you can tell that she doesn't blame him for anything - honestly, even from the lyrics in the song, I think she's putting way too much blame on herself. But some things we can't control. That's the big lesson of shadow work - some things are out of our control and the only thing we can do in that case is handle the situation with dignity and compassion.
Alright....I'm seriously done ranting now. Enjoy the video!
This is kind of a sad song but I wanted to make sure I included it this month because it's really beautiful. "The Blower's Daughter" was featured in the film "Closer," which is one of those grown-up movies that I'm not sure I'm deep enough to understand. I'm not even sure if it was a good movie, but it has both Julia Roberts and Natalie Portman, so my assumption is that it probably was. The movie was about two couples whose stories interweaved as they cheated on each other with their counterpart from the other couple. Even after reading the plot summary, I'm not sure I quite get it.
Jude Law plays Dan, who meets Alice (Portman) in the beginning. After they've been dating a couple years, he writes a book about her. Then he meets Anna (Roberts) when he is getting his picture taken for the book cover. Dan tries to convince Anna to have an affair with him, which Alice overhears while she's in the bathroom. Anna refuses and in an act of revenge, he tricks a random sex addict from an online chat room, Larry (Clive Owen), to meet Anna. To Dan's dismay, Larry and Anna actually do start a relationship after meeting. Then, Dan and Anna finally have an affair before leaving Alice and Larry to be with each other. Paths criss-cross and you're meant to think that Dan and Anna are supposed to be together, as are Alice and Larry. However, in the end, Anna and Larry reunite and - although back together briefly at the end - Alice and Dan ultimately break up.
Now, Dan is clearly a manipulative sociopath - the audience realizes this from the very beginning. But the twist in the story is that Alice was lying about her name the entire time she was in a relationship with Dan. The only person in the story that knows her real name is Larry, who didn't believe her when she told him. The film begins and ends with scenes that mirror each other - Alice/Jane is walking down a busy street. The camera is fixed so that everyone around her is blurry and she stands out. Whereas in the first scene, she's dressed to stand out - she's wearing a wig, a lot of makeup, and a loud outfit - in the final scene, Jane appears more natural. This signifies an embrace of authenticity for the character, that she is singularly beautiful, whether she uses tricks to call attention to herself or not. She's made an impact on Dan and Larry, and they won't forget her any time soon.
And so it is just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is the shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky
It's fairly clear what "The Blower's Daughter" is about. A relationship has ended - maybe it was mutual at the time, but the singer still misses the girl. There are a lot of theories surrounding where Damien Rice got the inspiration for "The Blower's Daughter" from. I won't repeat the biggest one, because he's already said that it was complete fiction. But the other popular theory is that he fell in love with his clarinet teacher's daughter, who was younger than him. Not by much, nothing sordid or anything, but she couldn't be with him. Eventually, he stopped taking lessons from the teacher, but he was still a bit obsessed with her. Whatever happened, Rice was in a lot of pain when he wrote this song. I think you can kind of hear it - the sadness as he strives to accept that it's over, the waver in his voice as he sings the first couple lyrics. That's what you look for in a good tragic love song. I know I keep saying this but....this is definitely in my Top 10 favorite songs. I'm pretty sure I'm up to 20 now, but....meh....who cares.
This past weekend, I tried to watch "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist." I got about 20 minutes in...then the baby woke up and put a stop to that nonsense. It's a cute indie romance and it's got a killer soundtrack, which includes "Xavia." Even though I didn't get to finish it, I remember the basic plot and I was thinking about several elements in the movie that I wanted to mull over. Out loud, to no one in particular.
The movie follows your basic True Love story architecture, which is actually a superplot of two stories. Especially in good films, the True Love plot is two Hero/Heroine's Journey stories combined into a single narrative. Both characters have to overcome obstacles - usually psychologically but sometimes physically - in order reach self-actualization and achieve the final goal. As you probably could've guessed, for most romances, the goal from the audience's perspective is "to be together." You get some variation from story to story, but that's the basic gist of the formula. "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist" fits this format almost exactly and the thing that makes it a better romantic comedy is that it's balanced. It's not overly focused on either the guy or the girl. The audience gets to see both journeys, which are fairly well mirrored against each other. Although they are played out in different forms, both Nick and Norah have very similar problems with their self-esteem, which they need to overcome in order to attain happiness.
"Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist" uses the tropes of the Crazy-Evil (Ex)Girlfriend and the Milquetoast-Mediocre (Ex)Boyfriend. I have the "ex" in parentheses because, sometimes, these tropes come in the form of current girlfriends/boyfriends. Regardless, they both serve the same purpose - to help the hero/ine understand that they don't have to accept awful treatment in order to be loved. Nick, who is heartbroken over Tris at the beginning of the movie, realizes at the end that she's only trying to seduce him because she lost control over him. He was letting her lead him on like a puppy dog because he didn't think he could do better. Tris kind of believed it, too - and she's frustrated at the end because her physical beauty/sexuality doesn't have any hold over him anymore, which is the only power she really had in their relationship (Tris needs to do some growing, too, but it's not her movie). Conversely, Norah let her on-again-off-again fuck buddy, Tal, use her for her money and industry connections because she felt lonely. She finally breaks that pattern by seemingly giving in to his requests for her to pay their tab before serving up a dose of instant karma (spoiler: she tells the waitress to increase the tab and then leaves the bill for Tal to pay). Anyway, Nick and Norah both had to address their deeply held feelings of unworthy-ness and their patterns of letting people use them in order to reach the level of self-acceptance needed to be together.
I had more examples of these tropes and plot elements to go over but I didn't realize I had gotten so ranty over "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist." I also wanted to talk about how Norah had fallen in love with Nick before she even met him. This is also a common theme in romances - even before the Meet-Cute, the narrative drops hints for the audience that the two protagonists are on a crash course. In films, you can do this with clever visual cues (like the criss-crossing scene from "You've Got Mail") but usually, this is done in the exposition (the first 10-20 minutes of a film) as part of the world-building. In Norah's case, she finds that Nick has excellent taste in music - almost a perfect match to her taste. Not that this should be surprising - the songs for this movie were clearly chosen by a genius, which is why it has one of the best soundtracks of any film (romance, comedy, indie, or otherwise) ever.
I Don't Wanna be Your Favorite Enemy
Not when I can be Loving You, alright
Why can't it be?
No Two People feel the Same Way at the Same Time
When I first heard "Xavia," I was kind of obsessed with the last two lines of that verse. Because it seems true, doesn't it? Why can't two people ever feel the same way at the same time? But it's not true, because it has to happen at least occasionally or else no one would ever be in a relationship. We'd all be stuck in the ridiculous Hell that this song describes, where one person wants to make it work and the other is done with it. Probably one of the prettiest break-up songs I've ever heard, which makes it perfect for Nick and Norah. It's funny, because they have the opposite problem - the whole time, they both don't see that they feel the same about each other until the very end. At first, Norah is chasing Nick....until she realizes that Tris is his ex-girlfriend and she feels like she can't compete so why even try. Then, Nick chases Norah, realizing he fucked up by going with Tris, knowing that she's a manipulative snake. Again, another common theme in romances, the cat-and-mouse back-and-forth between the protagonists. It's more pronounced in other movies, and this post is already miles too long so I'll leave it for another day. Thanks for reading!
Post Note: Xavia is another one of those weird names I love that the Husband won't let me name our hypothetical daughter. I guess it's back to the drawing board.
Phoenix is a French band that sings in English. Naturally, when I discovered them, I thought they existed specifically for me and my francophone ilk. I fell in love with a single that came in a free compilation mix - "1901." However, as great as that song is, this is my favorite Phoenix song. It's from one of their debut album (not the masterpiece that is "Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix") and I like to pretend it's my theme song on good days. It's bouncy, upbeat yet existentialist, and hopeful - much like myself. In an ironic twist, the Husband doesn't really like this song. Oh well.
"Too Young" is featured in "Shallow Hal" when Jack Black is dancing with a bevy of beauties who are actually "unattractive" women when the camera cuts away. "Shallow Hal" is one of those movies that I really shouldn't like but I do. The film is....problematic at best. It's dependent on the audience believing that someone's inner beauty can be translated into a representation of conventional attractiveness. For those who aren't familiar, Jack Black plays Hal, a man obsessed with finding a woman who meets his nigh impossible standard of physical beauty. One day, he meets self-help guru, Tony Robbins, in an elevator, who then hypnotizes Hal to only see a person's inner beauty. Afterward, he meets lady after lovely lady who, for some reason, are attracted to him, including Rosemary (Gwyneth Paltrow), his True Love. However, throughout the movie, the camera switches between what the hypnotized Hal sees and reality, which shows these women to be "unattractive," by conventional standards. In the end, Hal learns to see real beauty without being hypnotized and Rosemary carries him off into the sunset.
There are multiple concerns with "Shallow Hal," that I'm not even sure where to begin. First, there's a lot of fat jokes played off for laughs - for example, the svelte Paltrow looking at underwear in a much larger size at a posh lingerie store and then, later in the movie, she takes half of Hal's birthday cake and eats it with her hand. That shit probably wouldn't fly today. Additionally, the movie half implies that women who are kind, smart, funny, interesting, AND attractive do not exist. The only woman who is "beautiful" in reality is Hal's neighbor Jill and this is explained away that she still looks the same because Hal knew her before the hypnosis. We don't meet a woman in the movie who looks the same, regardless of whether or not Hal is hypnotized. But isn't that what would happen? If, hypothetically, an attractive woman who is as wonderful as Rosemary existed in the Shallow Hal universe, she would be her authentic self and the hypnosis wouldn't do anything. Or would the film makers feel compelled to make her more beautiful? How would you even do that? I fully realize I'm ranting now but, as someone who had to overcome some major insecurities regarding my appearance, I have concerns about how people perceive inner beauty. Is it something that can be quantified, qualified, and depicted on screen? I don't think so. It's hard enough for women to avoid comparing themselves to each other, now we have to compare ourselves to some idealized version of "inner beauty?" Thanks, Hollywood. This was supposed to be a short post about an awesome Phoenix song and now I'm just a tad pissed off.
I can't lie on my bed without thinking I was wrong
But when this feeling calls this world becomes another
Nighttime won't hold me in your arms again
I got a very good friend who says he can't believe the love I give
Is not enough to end your fears
I guess I couldn't live without the things that made my life what it is
Anyway, "Too Young" is about this guy who just broke up with a girl. He thought she was the one but it's over because they wanted different things and he's trying to get over it. Because he's too young, too young to settle down. He still has adventures to have, parties to attend, people to meet, and he's not ready for that to end. The girl in question - I'm assuming she wanted to get married and was tired of him going out at night. Afraid he wouldn't come home or would find someone else. There's a lot of insecurities and fears that are triggered when you discover you love someone who doesn't want the same things as you. Unfortunately, love is not enough in this situation and each of them have to do what's right for them. He understands this, that life will go on without this girl. It's okay to feel sad about it for a moment, but in the end, you have to keep on dancing.
