Rising in Chaos ("Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?" by Taylor Swift)

It's that time of year again.... I know I haven't written in a while but I couldn't miss T-Swift's birthday. I wish I could say I've been working on other things but the truth is this year has been a whirlwind and I got caught up in the swirl. Even now, I'm at home because I had over 60 hours of PTO left when I returned from Argentina and I need to burn it because it's use it or lose it. The last two years, my company did a payout but, when you hire a bunch of workaholic engineers, that gets expensive. Oh yeah...I went to Argentina over Thanksgiving. It was great - Buenos Aires definitely grows on you and I'd like to go back when we have more free time to explore.  The city has a rich history, amazing coffee, and is super walk-able, at least in the area where we stayed. 

  … So I leap from the gallows and I levitate down your street
Crash the party like a record scratch as I scream
"Who's afraid of little old me?"
You should be

Alright, back to Taylor. I actually didn't get into The Tortured Poets Department when it came out - as I've mentioned in the past, I prefer to discover songs when it's the "right" time for me to find them, even when it comes to my favorite artists. I go through cycles - even with My Chemical Romance and Florence Welch, I'll often hear a song once when an album comes out and then suddenly become obsessed with it years later, when it hits the perfect emotional chord and reflects exactly what I'm going through at that specific moment in my life. As you may have guessed from the title of this post, I'm very much feeling "Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?" right now. (Un)Coincidentally, I've adopted it as my vibe for 2025. And let me tell you a little bit about what we're heading into - I'm making an educated guess it is going to be even crazier next year. Surprisingly, I'm feeling really jazzed up about it. Honestly, it feels very much like the excited feeling I had during the lead up to 2020.....and we all know how that ended up. However, I don't think this is a false high. I'm going into next year with my eyes wide open. I'm aware the astrology for next year is fucking wild - but that doesn't mean it has to bad on a personal level. There's a lot of exciting things going on right now - I'll cover those in more depth in another post (that I've been tinkering with for the better part of a year). I will say this - this song is exactly the tone to strike as we head into an extended period of Mars Retrograde for the rest of the year and the first quarter of 2025.

I was tame, I was gentle till the circus life made me mean
"Don't you worry, folks, we took out all her teeth"
Who's afraid of little old me?
Well, you should be

A small part of the retrograde (approximately 6 degrees) will be in Leo but the vast majority of the time, Mars will be hanging out in the later degrees of Cancer. This is not Mars at its best - arguably, this is Mars at its worst, because Mars is in its Fall while in the sign of Cancer. What does that mean? Well, it's Cancer - it's moody, it holds grudges, it's passive aggressive....it's a bit unstable. When you add Mars to the mix - the planet of War, violence, anger, aggression, passion, sex, etc - things can get a little chaotic. The outlook can become quite dark and pessimistic and vengeful. And I say this as a native Mars in Cancer (at the anaretic degree!). I will be the first to admit I am not fun to be around when I'm angry. I've been told I'm downright scary, which is the overwhelming contradiction of the Cancerian nature. From far away, they look sweet, gentle, nurturing, maybe even meek....but you don't want to fuck with them. Because Cancer is a sign of extremes - they can be the nicest person you've ever met until you piss them off. Particularly when it comes to Mars in Cancer, there's a tendency towards over-reaction and often it will seem to come out of nowhere because - like their symbol, the Crab - Cancerians will come at you sideways. The approach is indirect and thus, hard to predict. Much like Scorpio, they have a talent for patiently waiting until the opportune moment to strike and they won't hold back. And of course, it's Cancer - if you come for their family, you're fucked. We saw this earlier in the year, during the rap battle between Mars in Cancer native, Kendrick Lamar, and Drake. 

 … Is it a wonder I broke? Let's hear one more joke
Then we could all just laugh until I cry

As I've mentioned previously, Taylor Swift has some strong placements in Cancer, most notably her Moon, but also Jupiter (which is exalted in Cancer) and Chiron. Swift has cultivated this whole persona of being kind to her fans, effortlessly poetic in her art, and dreamily soft and sweet in her aesthetic -  but in order to survive in the music business, she's become notably ruthless within the industry. She is one of the most litigious artists when it comes to copyright (example: famously trying to copyright the phrase "this sick beat"), she made history by earning back the rights to her repertoire by simply re-recording the songs she released under her previous record label (and made even more money on those recordings), and is known for writing and releasing songs about her easily identifiable exes (which usually results in a unyielding public backlash for those unfortunate men). She is nought to be trifled with. She is an icon and possibly the most formidable female artists we will see in our lifetime. True, some of those aforementioned legal battles could be characterized as unethical. After all, Swift is a billionaire and there's an argument to be made that billionaires cannot exist without exploitation. I assure you - this isn't the post to make that argument, just something to let roll around in your head. That's the whole message of this song - the sweet girl she was when she started making music would not, could not survive the music industry. In fact, that wholesome naivete was swiftly killed the moment she got an iota of mainstream success (pun intended). If she's terrible, it's because she has to be. It's no secret that young women in the music (and film) business are often taken advantage of and exploited to the utmost. Some of those horror stories - featuring prominent artists, musicians, and actors - are just barely coming to the surface now. There's a reason why the idea of a Villain Era resonates so strongly right now - villains aren't created in a vacuum. And more often than not, the context of a villain origin story is rooted in exploitation and degradation at the hands of those with more power and influence. Can you really condemn a person if their environment gave them no other choice? Just one of the many philosophical conundrums we have awaiting for us as we start our journey through Pluto in Aquarius. 

… I wanna snarl and show you just how disturbed this has made me
You wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me
So all you kids can sneak into my house with all the cobwebs
I'm always drunk on my own tears, isn't that what they all said?
That I'll sue you if you step on my lawn
That I'm fearsome and I'm wretched and I'm wrong
Put narcotics into all of my songs
And that's why you're still singing along

Real talk though - this year left me exhausted. As usual, it is (at least) partially my fault. I give way too much of myself, especially to my work, expecting that I'll be rewarded (or, at bare minimum, appreciated). And I'm not going to say that hasn't worked out for me - I got a promotion and two raises this year - but at what cost? When I went to Argentina, I had to leave my work phone at home. I was literally unreachable for the week and I could focus on enjoying the experience and participate fully in my sister's wedding. When I got back, I actually felt rejuvenated....and then two days into my first week back at work, I was burnt out again. Clearly I'm doing something wrong - I'm caring too much, I'm taking on too much responsibility, I'm trying to make progress when faced with incompetent peers. I enjoy my work but I'm realizing my personal goals for this past year took a back seat to "getting the mission done." Don't get me wrong - the mission is important. It always will be. But I'm tired of living that way. I want to find a new path forward. I have no more fucks to give, and I can't renew my reserve of fucks if I'm not taking the time to generate them. Does that make sense? Doesn't matter. I have a lot of ideas for what I want to do in 2025 but my main challenge for next year is making the space for them to become reality. 

"Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?" Official Lyric Video

Another Year Wiser... ("Void" by Melanie Martinez)

Doubtful, but here we are. Like it does every year, my birthday rolled around again....about two months ago. If you can believe it, I did start writing this in July so....can I count that as progress? Whatever, I'm counting it. You know those fairytales where there's a wizened old woman who lives at the edge of the forest? I'm as old as those witches helped the young heroine on her quest. No, seriously - they were all roughly 37-years-old. People didn't live much longer back in the olden times. Cross my heart and kiss my elbow. Given the age of the typical fairytale ingenue is around 16/17, it does not surprise me that they would think someone of that age was ancient. I mean - just look at how Gen Z views Millennials. They steal all our childhood trends then call us cringe for telling them how things were before the Internet.

Pipe down with the noise, I cannot bear my sorrow

I hate who I was before

I fear I won't live to see the day tomorrow

Someone tell me if this is Hell

Somewhere a few years back, my line of existential questioning switched from "what am I doing with my life?" to "what do I enjoy doing with my life?" And the frustrating thing about it is I know exactly what that answer is but the bounds of time to enjoy those simple pleasures are suffocating. Is this Middle Age? Ugh, it feels gross. It doesn't feel like I've been alive this long...but I have and I'm both impressed and horrified. From my perspective, I'm a teenager stuck in a (near) 40-year-old's body, unsure of what lesson I was supposed to learn to end this Freaky Friday. I'm not grown up enough to make these decisions! Someone, get the manager! And then I realize - oh shit! - I am the manager. I girlboss'd way too hard and now I'm only seven promotions away from being the CEO of a whole company! I'm exaggerating, of course. Yes, it is only 7 promotions, but I'm at a level where it's highly unlikely I'll get promoted unless someone really fucks up (or leaves under mysterious circumstances, which happens disturbingly often). I'm unsure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. All I know is this ambivalence I feel could become a problem.

Like a priest behind confession walls, I judge myself

Kneelin' on a metal grater

Bloody, like a body that has died, and it's myself

Tangled in my own intestines

I realize I never gave an update - I did, in fact, get that promotion I was hoping for back in March. And the raise they gave me wasn't too shabby - they met my (rather high) expectations and effectively brought me up to the same level as other ISSMs. Even so, mo' money, mo' problems. I'm at a point where I'm starting to see the cracks in the foundation and the flaws of our leadership really close up, and it's kind of terrifying. At my last job, our head honcho would have these Section Lead meetings and our four-panels had a section for "Whirlwind." Whirlwind, in corporate speak, is all the stuff - the little fires, the last-minute tasks, the unforeseen consequences of a past decision - that is creating chaos in an otherwise perfect plan. My workdays sometimes seem like nothing but whirlwind. And my direct supervisors (yes, due to uncommunicated corporate reorganization, I've changed supervisors more than once in the last year) are never the leaders I need them to be. Involved, but not overbearing. Reachable when I need them to be, but otherwise letting me do my own thing as a leader. Provides feedback regularly and recognizes how hard I'm working. They always lack the teeth I'm desperately hoping they have. The lack the insight and vision I have but am too low on the totem pole to convey, because it's still way above my pay grade. And yet I keep doing it anyway. I'm burnt out. I'm so burnt out, I read a whole book about how to make it better ("Burnout" by Emily and Amelia Nagoski).

Baby

I'm spinnin' around the corner

It's tastin' kinda lonely

And my mind wants to control me

I chose "Void" as my song of the year primarily because I was already feeling this energy when I started writing in July. I also in soulful agreement with the following lyric in the chorus: I gotta escape the void, there is no other choice.

The truth - my truth - is that I envision a totally different reality for myself. It revolves around writing and creating, which - while being one of those fulfilling outlets cited in "Burnout" that can relieve the overwhelming exhaustion I feel - is simultaneously incredibly hard to do when you're feeling burnt out. It's not even about the time factor. I only need 15-30 minutes a day to make progress! It's that my brain is literal mush when I get home from work. Couple that with having high standards for the work I release and the fear of being seen, and it becomes a vicious cycle continually leading me to feel so disappointed in myself. My seeming lack of discipline. My poor time management skills. My lack of focus. Then, of course, the fear I lack talent. I could go on but, to be honest, I'm a bit tired of punching myself in the gut for being exhausted all the time and for failing to be a creative in a system hellbent on destroying anything and everything, as long as it's profitable. I'm tired, but I'm trying. I want to believe it's worth doing the thing just to say I did the thing. I'm trying to uncouple my writing practice from the need for anything to become of it. One of the podcasts I listen to cited an Aleister Crowley quote to describe the guest's success from projects that initially began as aimless. “For pure will, unassuaged of purpose, delivered from the lust of result, is every way perfect.” Thus, writing for no other reason than to write will manifest this new reality I'm craving. Hey, a girl can hope.....

C-c-c-collect

My fickle insecurities

And turn them into beauty

Alchemize the dark within me (ah)

Before this turned into a rant about my shortcomings, I was going to go over what my Solar Return chart looks like. Well, we're several paragraphs in already, so I'll try to keep it to the Cliff's Notes. I'm in a 2nd House profection year, so heavy emphasis on income, values, and purpose. Cancer is the sign in my natal 2nd House, which means the ruler - the Moon - is my timelord for this year. That means every time the moon shifts into a new sign or makes a critical aspect, it's significant in some way for my life (Oh, goody...). My rising sign for this solar year is Taurus, placing the Sun in the 3rd House, so the other big themes for this year are Community, Communication, Siblings/Extended Family, and a lot of other Mercury-related stuff. It's not surprising - my sister is getting married this year and (as previously noted) I'm trying to put more emphasis on my writing goals. The Moon was almost at the New Moon in my solar return chart, so a New Beginning related to the 3rd House topics is likely to happen this year. With my ascendent-descendent on the Taurus-Scorpio axis, it's a very stable year in terms of self and partnerships. A quite grounded, sensual, deeply loving energy - that's what I normally associate with this axis. 

Pluto is squarely on top of the solar return Midheaven in Aquarius, so some innovative transformation is in store for my public image and possibly my overall career. My natal Midheaven is in Aquarius (9th House - Higher Education, Philosophy, Religion, Publishing), so this possibly represents a pivotal moment in that area of my life. Finally, Jupiter is in Gemini (finally), which is my natal 1st House and is the 2nd House in my 2024 solar return house. Good fortune and blessing around my identity, income, values, and possessions. Overall, the aspects for this year were largely beneficial but the scattering of placements is kind of messy. I feel like that's a metaphor - the year will feel chaotic but things will likely end in a good place for me. At least, that is how I'm choosing to see it. 

I gotta escape the void, there is no other choice, yeah

Tryna turn off the voices, the void ate me

Look at the mess I've done, there is nowhere to run, yeah

Holdin' a loaded gun, the void

Part of my new birthday tradition is to make a playlist celebrating me and where I am at that given moment in my life. A sort of time capsule, if you will. Check it out if you want - Jessica is Awesome! Mix, Vol 2: In My Feels. 

"Void" Music Video

"Snuff" by Slipknot

So, I caved and joined Reddit. Initially, it was to share any notable Randonauting experiences I had but I found myself quickly jumping into conversations in the witchcraft, tarot, and astrology subreddits. I've learned two things - 1. Maybe I actually know a little something about these topics and 2. Too many people want to use witchcraft/tarot/astrology for things that require either therapy, communication, or both. Yes, spirituality and New Age concepts can be powerful tools for cultivating self-awareness and enhancing one's quality of life but you still need to do the work - the "work" being analyzing your subconscious programming and patterns and using the knowledge to actively change your behavior for the better. I've also been hanging around the music and writing subreddits for inspiration. I've been working on a short story (eh...more of a novella) inspired by "Horror of Our Love," tentatively titled "The Beast of South Boston." Apparently, the genre I gravitate towards writing is Horror/Paranormal Romance, so I've been looking for music that inspires that kind of vibe. Naturally, I found my way into a lot of Heavy Metal, which is how I ended up revisiting the collected works of Slipknot. And for the record, I find that the singers of metal bands often have the most lovely singing voices. David Draiman, Trent Reznor, Jonathan Davis, Chester Bennington, Corey Taylor - all very talented vocalists and among some of my favorites.

Bury all your secrets in my skin

Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins

The air around me still feels like a cage

And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again

So if you love me let me go

And run away before I know

My heart is just too dark to care

I can't destroy what isn't there

Deliver me into my fate

If I'm alone I cannot hate

I don't deserve to have you

Ooh, my smile was taken long ago

If I can change I hope I never know

Let's talk about these lyrics a bit, because they are intense. That's another thing to love about metal - a lot of the lyrics are beautifully poetic and fraught with meaning, in a way you don't normally see in other genres. "Snuff" exposes the vulnerability of someone's darkest thoughts. The plot is straightforward. From what I gathered, it sounds like the singer fucked up a relationship with someone he really loved and now he's angry she walked away. The song starts with his inner thoughts, which are super negative. He doesn't deserve her, she needs to leave him before he destroys her, he has a dark heart, and he doesn't care (except he does care...a whole lot), blah, blah, blah. He ends up pushing her away - however that looks like in his patterning. Depending on what core wounds he's operating from, this could manifest as addictions, withdrawal, or abusive behaviors. And, contrary to what some societal beliefs about love say, people don't have to stick around for that bullshit. In fact, it's unhealthy if they do. That's not love, that's trauma bonding. People who don't love you can stay forever (often because the relationship fulfills some need) and people who love you a lot may leave (because they love themselves enough to know enabling your destructive patterns is not good for you or for them). It may be counterintuitive but sometimes the most loving thing a person can do is leave. Alternatively, the most destructive thing they can do is stay. Unfortunately, leaving can make someone see you as the "bad guy," which is what happens at the end of "Snuff." Instead of taking the loss of a loved one as a sign to examine his own destructive patterns, he becomes angry that she left to "save [herself]," just like everyone else in his life. Clearly, he's not doing the work.

I still press your letters to my lips

And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss

I couldn't face a life without your lights

But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight

So save your breath, I will not care

I think I made it very clear

You couldn't hate enough to love

Is that supposed to be enough?

I only wish you weren't my friend

Then I could hurt you in the end

I never claimed to be a saint

Ooh, my own was banished long ago

It took the death of hope to let you go

Based on what I could find regarding the meaning of the lyrics, Slipknot vocalist Corey Taylor wrote it about a relationship that ended because of his self-destructive habits (drug/alcohol addiction fueled by depression and suicidal ideation). At the time, he was disappointed because she didn't stay with him, but it ultimately motivated him to do better for himself. Taylor still struggled with addiction throughout his life but as of late, he's succeeded in staying sober. I came across a piece of Internet wisdom I really resonated with recently (the person might have said it came from their therapist but I can't remember). Fear of rejection is fueled by the underlying belief you don't deserve what you want and fear of abandonment is the belief that you don't deserve to keep it. These two underlying beliefs often lead to self-sabotage. If you don't believe yourself worthy and deserving of good things, your subconscious will motivate you to ruin positive situations in your life. Alternatively, you may hold on to toxic/destructive situations because they are confirming your subconscious beliefs that you deserve bad things in your life. Your behaviors fuel self-fulfilling prophesies. Unfortunately, most people are so ingrained with these beliefs due to societal conditioning and generational trauma that they can't get off the hamster wheel without help. That's not a bad thing. It's not a bad thing to want to be better, but you have to take tangible steps to change.

And I won't listen to your shame

You ran away, you're all the same

Angels lie to keep control

Ooh, my love was punished long ago

If you still care don't ever let me know

If you still care don't ever let me know

I had my first counseling session yesterday. I almost cancelled it because I was feeling better (more self-sabotage). Not much better but good enough to cope on my own. I think I was mainly nervous about sharing personal things with a stranger and I was developing unconscious stories (I don't have time, it's not worth the money, I'm coping fine on my own) to justify cancelling. However, talking to someone neutral about thoughts and feelings I've been holding onto for what feels like decades felt amazing. I like the therapist they paired me up with - she's nice and we're in the same stage of life, so she understands some of the pressures I'm under. After a lot of shadow work, I'm hyper-aware of my own self-destructive patterns and subconscious programming. However, the changes I need to make seem scary and overwhelming. I know in theory that I deserve a happy, fulfilling life - believing that I deserve it and advocating for my own happiness (because I'm unskilled at prioritizing myself) is another story. I really noticed yesterday how difficult it is for me to voice my anger, resentment, disappointment, and hurt. My counselor had to affirm several times that it's okay for me to admit someone's actions hurt me, because that's my reality. In many ways, I still find myself apologizing for just being human. For giving everything I have to others and still feeling like it isn't enough. It's weird and scary, to take my own advice for once. I'm wired to take care of other people - I like it, it makes me happy - but I don't expect others to take care of me. And my life reflects it. My own self-fulfilling prophesy.

"Snuff" gets it's name from the genre of film where real murders are filmed. Naturally, the music video was shot like a psychological thriller - with a twist ending. The band's percussionist, Shawn Crahan, co-directed the video and included a cameo by British film actor Malcolm McDowell. For dramatic purposes, the music cuts out during the third verse, which is a music video editing tactic that really annoys me, especially when the song is this good. Highly recommend looking for the uncut version of the song to enjoy it uninterrupted.

"Snuff" Video

"Better Man" by Taylor Swift (performed by Little Big Town)

This song has been heavy on my "On Repeat" list in recent weeks. I found it at the beginning of July, when it played in the mix I was listening to, which was heavy on country and southern gothic tunes. I bought these things called Belly Buds to pipe music into my stomach for the baby to listen to. Unlike Ronin, who went crazy any time he heard Guns N' Roses' "Paradise City," this next kid has more refined tastes. He prefers classical music and folk rock (which I like to refer to as "country music for liberals"). As such, I've ventured pretty deeply into those genres lately.

Whenever I think I've heard everything by Taylor Swift and know all her best songs, something new pops up that sets me in awe of her talent all over again. "Better Man" was written for her 2012 album, "Red," which is a brilliant album and even more impressive given the fact that these were songs she wrote when she was fucking 22 years old! Girl has some major life experience points going on. Some of my favorites are on that album, including "Everything Has Changed" and "Begin Again." I'm going to stop myself before I go into a full-on fangirl spiral. Anyway, "Red" marked the start of Swift's transition from country to a more pop sound. "Better Man" definitely falls closer to the country end of that spectrum - perhaps more country than her producers were aiming for on that album - so it was scrapped from the final release. But it's too amazing a song to just be thrown in a drawer and forgotten by the annals of music history. She decided to pass it on to another country band, Little Big Town, which was a good choice. I didn't notice the name on the artist, only that the song art had Taylor's picture on it, so for the first dozen listens, I thought she was the one who was singing. The singer for Little Big Town does sound a lot like Taylor but after a close listen, Swift sings this song in a slightly higher register and she's more emotive with her performance. Little Big Town's interpretation is a lot smoother.

What hooked me was the lyrics to the first verse of the song:

I know I’m probably better off on my own

Than lovin' a man who didn’t know

What he had when he had it

And I see the permanent damage you did to me

Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic

I wish it wasn’t 4am, standing in the mirror

Saying to myself, you know you had to do it

I know the bravest thing I ever did was run

The last line struck me, because I completely understand it. I have a hard time leaving people behind, especially when I really care about them. I'm one of those people who gives a million chances, will stay no matter how bad things get. Often it's because I think "running" is giving up and - even worse - the cowardly thing to do. However, when you're used to sacrificing your own needs for the others, running away is the harder choice. The scarier choice. The more painful choice. Because the reason you play the martyr is because you don't want to hurt anyone, so you choose to hurt yourself instead - martyrdom has become the "comfort zone," as twisted as that sounds. The second verse is kind of unique to Taylor, as she has a penchant for douchy assholes, but the sentiment is sincere. Especially when you're a hopeless romantic type, your vision of love is often tied up in being able to withstand the hard times. Unfortunately, societal norms have warped "withstanding the hard times" with tolerating poor treatment. I find it ironic because people will look at survivors of domestic violence and ask "why did he/she stay so long" but then turn around and judge people who get divorced from a functioning but otherwise unhappy and unfulfilling situation. As if it's obvious from the start (it usually isn't - people jump into things with their whole hearts at first). Society is batshit crazy, which is why I think there has been such a massive return to relying on intuition. The rules of the matrix are fucked, so we have to return to organic systems, to nature. Which leads me into today's real rant.

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again

But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man

And I know why we had to say goodbye

Like the back of my hand

And I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man

A better man

Tonight is the Full Moon in Pisces, opposite the Sun in Virgo. In general, this is supposed to be an uplifting Full Moon because the Moon is comfortable in Pisces, but it comes with a mixed bag of aspects and other less pleasant planetary interactions. This Full Moon falls on the Virgo-Pisces axis, which can best be described as Order vs Chaos. But remember - opposite signs are trying to do similar things, just using different methodologies. Virgo is the sign of Service - specifically, Service to Others. Virgo energy wants to be useful and helpful, and often pursues these desires through very Earth-centric and Mercurial traits - being organized, detail-oriented, risk-averse, dependable, communicative, and practical. Pisces is about Service, too, but a very different kind of service - Pisces is about fulfilling our divine purpose and uncovering the hidden mysteries of life. In order to be successful in that sort of service, Virgo methods will undoubtedly fall short in some ways. Pisces relies heavily on intuition, following the flow, and listening to the signs the Universe sends us, as well as our hearts, which guide us toward that divine purpose. Yes, Pisces gets a reputation as being kind of the space cadet of the zodiac, but they also tend to understand the deeper meaning in our dreams and secret desires. Both signs have a tendency to become self-sacrificing if they are out of balance. Keeping that in mind, the modern ruler of this Full Moon, Neptune, is making a loose T-square to the North (Gemini) and South (Sagittarius) Nodes. This aspect causes tension and the tension between this placements is that we're stuck trying to figure out if our dreams can be manifested by staying in the Past (old habits/behaviors/situations) or taking a leap of faith into the Future (new habits/behaviors/opportunities). We look to other aspects and planets to find out what we're being guided to in regards to this lunation. In particular, Uranus - planet of change - is making some really beneficial aspects, being sextile the Moon and trine the Sun, which favors going in a different direction, especially if your old methods have lost their effectiveness.

That was the good part of this Full Moon, but there's difficult aspects that may indicate where trouble may be looming. Venus is opposite Saturn and square Mars. And Mars is coming off an exact square with Saturn. These are challenging aspects for love, relationships, passion, and finances - lots of restrictions and, with Mars beginning to station retrograde, a huge slow down to any progress being made in these areas. The one bright spot here is that Mercury is in one of its domiciles - Virgo. Communication might be the key to unlocking - or, at least, surviving - these difficult transits. Regardless, we're processing some grief at this time. The Full Moon eases this tension somewhat with a spotlight on our favorite spiritual enigma - Surrender. Pisces, being the sign of spirituality, reminds us to let go of what we cannot control. And, unfortunately, we cannot control the future or even the outcomes of our actions. We can do as much as we can to point the arrow in the right direction but once it's released, Spirit controls its path. Que Sera Sera. Whatever will be will be. And whatever comes next will hopefully be good. Doubtful as we head into what The Astrology Podcast nicknamed "Super Serious September" but I'm open to it. That's a benefit to having a lot of water and fire energy in your chart, especially when combined with influential placements in a mutable modality. Works well with chaos and uncertainty - I should put that on my resume. Even with astrology, it's often a game of hindsight is 20/20 and even when we account for all the variables - and there's numerous variables that I haven't even discovered yet - a certain amount of guessing is needed for disciplines like predictive and electional astrology. And when doing natal chart readings, it helps to do them face-to-face because things you never considered before when looking at the data will pop out when you encounter the living, breathing representation of a moment in divine creation. That's what makes it so fascinating - life is the proverbial "box of chocolates," although you can usually figure out what you're going to get if you fucking read the chart on the inside of the lid. Just an observation.

COVID-19 Update: Trying to get enough rest lately has been a challenge. Between work, planning for the baby, racing thoughts, and being in a constant state of discomfort, insomnia is pretty much inevitable, no matter how much I meditate. I'm taking a page from Sarah Bernhardt's book and trying to get 10-15 minutes of sleep when fatigue hits me. That usually does the trick. My older sister is throwing me a virtual baby shower. She's trying to get my younger sister involved but that's not the easiest task - please be aware that being a Virgo does not automatically mean you're organized and efficient. It is a mutable placement, after all, which can have a very unfocused energy when not harnessed correctly. I'm sure it's no picnic for her either. Can you imagine being a Mutable sign with two Cardinal sisters? So much bossiness! And Cancer and Libra are considered the "softer" Cardinal signs? Yeah, there's no such thing - we just have better people skills.

Little Big Town had an official video for this song, so I'm sharing that as well as Taylor Swift's performance at the Bluebird Cafe. A little vocal compare and contrast - and Swift is so endearing and genuine, it makes me smile when she performs for her fans. As is custom, I'm scheduling this post to publish at the exact time of the Full Moon. Happy September!

Little Big Town "Better Man" Video

Bluebird Cafe Performance

"Call Me" by Blondie

International Whores' Day was on June 2nd - I meant to write something then but I've had a lot on my mind and it was also around the time everything started blowing up in the United States. Now that things have died down a bit, I'm using my small platform to elevate awareness and promote advocacy for a cause I believe in. My stance is sex work is work and, unlike a lot of feminist theory, I do not think every sex worker is a victim who needs to be rescued or that sex work is inherently degrading. That position is paternalistic and causes more harm than good. I believe true feminism is allowing everyone the right to make their own choices. For those people who did not choose sex work willingly, absolutely we should help them get out and punish sex traffickers. However, for those who do choose to perform sex work, our aim should be in making it as safe as possible for them to do their job, which includes making legislation that affirms their right to bodily autonomy, financial and legal sovereignty, and - most of all - dignity and respect in public forums. And, yes, this issue affects men, too, albeit to a lesser extent and in a different context. Ladies, the Chippendale's dancers you enjoy so much, the models in Playgirl, and your favorite pornstar - those men are sex workers and sex worker advocacy supports them, too.

Call me (call me) on the line

Call me, call me any, anytime

Call me (call me) I'll arrive

You can call me any day or night

Call me

That's the thing the current legislation doesn't take into account - it treats sex work and the community as a monolith, with no room for diversity and a somewhat puritanical view of what "sex work" is and who engages in it. For example, if you conjure an image of a sex worker in your mind, most people probably aren't picturing an upper-middle-class college-educated 40-year-old woman who has an independent business as an escort or a student/cosplayer who sells nudes on SnapChat or the burlesque performer whose show you saw on your last trip to Vegas - but the sex work community includes all those people. Likewise, your internalized image of someone who purchases sex work services is probably pretty narrow - you may have a picture of awkward, desperate virgins or slimy politicians abusing their power and access. However, it should be noted that a lot of sex work clients may have disabilities that make it difficult to find a willing partner. And for those who have trauma or fear around sexual experiences, sex workers can be a vital resource if those people choose to go to a sex therapist (to be clear, the therapist is not a sex worker but may work with trusted sex workers if clients want to attempt practical application of partnered therapeutic techniques, without the requirement of a long-term romantic partner). BTW if the sex work client you're picturing is someone who calls themselves an "incel" (i.e., involuntary celibate), you are way off on who purchases sex work services. Incels have a medieval view of women and believe women owe them sex - which makes sex workers lower than dirt in their book (because how dare women charge them for something they should be getting for free!) To sum up this portion of my rant, sex workers fulfill an important economic purpose and, in order to make the market safe for both sex workers and their clients, we need to widen our view of sex work's place in society.

Cover me with kisses, baby

Cover me with love

Roll me in designer sheets

I'll never get enough

Emotions come, I don't know why

Cover up love's alibi

I mentioned a lot of crazy stuff was starting in the beginning of June, most of which have had major impacts on the sex work community. It was recently confirmed that a serial killer was active in the Seattle, WA, area. Sex workers are a common target for serial killers due to their marginalized status - they assume that, because of their profession, the disappearance of these men and women is less likely to be noticed and receive media attention. Unfortunately, their gamble is often correct - sex workers who become victims of serial killers aren't usually discovered as a victim until either their body is found or the police start linking the circumstances of a higher-profile victim to other disappearances in the area. Sex workers - especially those who identify as POC and transgendered - are at more risk for random violence and theft. Crimes they often either don't report, because they're more likely to be picked up on criminal charges, or are unlikely to be resolved if they are reported. The pandemic has been harder on sex workers due to social distancing restrictions and the draconian measures in SESTA-FOSTA make it difficult for them to shift from in-person transactions to online ones. And let's not avoid the elephant in the room - the Jeffery Epstein case gets more disturbing every time more information comes out. And the most disturbing thing about this case is the number of wealthy, powerful people who may have known about his sex trafficking and did absolutely nothing for decades. The elite pools of Washington D.C. and New York City are very shallow and he had connections with practically everyone. A podcast I was listening to brought up philosopher Hannah Arendt's theory on the banality of evil and it definitely applies here. The theory goes that most people aren't actually evil; however, evil persists because either people are unaware of their complicity or they are aware and they don't care because it doesn't directly affect them. As we move forward into the so-called Age of Aquarius, this theory is going to become more prescient in people's minds. Especially as we're approaching an election season where voters are being asked to choose (yet again) the lesser of two evils - and how people come to the conclusion of which is the lesser is also problematic.

Oooh, he speaks the languages of love

Oooh, amore, chiamami, chiamami

Oooh, appelle-moi mon cherie, appelle-moi

Anytime, anyplace, anywhere, any way

Anytime, anyplace, anywhere, any day, any way

Given that the fuel for evil is ignorance and apathy, I believe sunlight is the best antidote. Decriminalization allows space for sex workers to be more open about the issues they face. Less stigma and secrecy also increases the safety of transactions for them and their clients, while simultaneously making it harder for sex trafficking operations to persist under the radar. There's an argument to be made that, without the threat of being arrested, trafficking victims will more readily come forward to get the help they need and identify those involved. I chose "Call Me" for today's song because it is very obviously about prostitution. It was featured as the theme for the movie "American Gigalo" (a "gigalo" is a somewhat old-fashioned name for a male prostitute) and it also inspired the title for a Heidi Fleiss biopic that came out on TV when I was younger. Some contemporary United States history for you - Heidi Fleiss was a madam who ran a high-class prostitution ring in Los Angeles, CA. She was caught in 1993 and convicted for tax evasion. Her client list was rumored to have a numerous wealthy, well-connected people on it and there was a pervasive fear in elite circles that she'd release her "little black book." The same fear - mind you - that has people keeping quiet about what they knew about Jeffery Epstein's operation. However, the women who worked for Heidi Fleiss were of legal age and were willingly recruited. It's been interesting to see the how differently the two cases are being treated, both in the media and by society at large.

I know - super heavy ponderings for a Friday night, so I'll leave you with a fun astrological fact - Debbie Harry, lead singer of "Blondie," is a Cancer. She recently celebrated her 75th birthday this past July 1st.

COVID-19 Update: Still a little stir crazy. Combined with everything that's been on my mind, I've been a bit mentally exhausted (which is worse than physical exhaustion, in my opinion). I've been taking walks early in the morning, before the sun comes up, for exercise and an opportunity to get some alone time. My neighborhood basically has no streetlights but, on the plus side, the reduced light pollution means I was actually able to see a few shooting stars this week. We're in the middle of the Leonid meteor shower that occurs every Leo season. I also walked away from my doctor's appointment yesterday a lot more comfortable and secure regarding my birth options. I was nervous about this conversation, because my doctor is friendly but I wouldn't characterize her as a warm person. But then again, I'm sure I come off that way most of the time, too. Anyway, she seemed very supportive, knowledgeable, and comfortable with whatever my ultimate decision would be and we're both on the same page - hope for the best, do what you can to make the desired outcome possible, but prepare for the less desirable option, just in case. Jupiter in Capricorn, baby - following well-designed plans equal success and good fortune.

"Call Me" Video

"If I Die Young" by The Band Perry

This is a somewhat overdramatic look at how far my anxiety can go if left unchecked. At my last prenatal appointment, I asked for information about doing a Trial of Labor after Cesarean (TOLAC). They gave me a list of the risks, complications, and statistics for attempting a TOLAC vs electing to have a repeat C-section. I didn't have a full on panic attack but for a minute, I did think I was going to faint so I had to get up and move while take deep breaths. Considering I was waiting to get my blood drawn for the glucose test, it would've been embarrassing for the phlebotomist to find me passed out on the floor. Once I got out of the building and regained my composure (the smell of fresh Indian food helps), the internal analysis began.

Why such a dramatic reaction to a fairly standard explanation of the risks, most of which I already knew about from my own research? I think, in that moment, the decision and the potential consequences of my decision became real. It wasn't just a list of facts, it was the possible outcomes of my future - it was what could happen to me and my baby if things go wrong, how it might affect my ability to have another child (because I'm not 100% sure that I'm done with having kids after this one), and what happens to my family if the worst of the worst-case-scenarios happens. This shouldn't have to be said but pregnancy isn't all sunshine and rainbows. The United States has one of the worst maternal mortality rates in the developed world, especially among women of color, a fact evidenced by the increase of articles on the subject in recent years (one of the main reasons stepping away from Twitter has been really helpful for me these past couple weeks - with the influx of COVID cases, articles about women dying during or shortly after childbirth have become more frequent).

If I die young bury me in satin

Lay me down on a bed of roses

Sink me in the river at dawn

Send me away with the words of a love song

To be clear, I've had time to consider both options. Both have their benefits and risks and one is not inherently more dangerous than the other based on the research. And since this pregnancy is considered low-risk (I had gestational diabetes with my first born), I'm probably a good candidate for attempting a TOLAC, depending on what my doctor can tell me about my first C-section. But then I have these other worries going on in the background - like the fact that scheduling a repeat C-section can guarantee my parents will be in town to take care of my son and I won't risk having to give birth alone. This has been one of my greatest concerns during this whole COVID business and it has felt like I've had to deal with everything on my own this time because of the restrictions. With my first, my husband went with me to almost every appointment up until the third trimester, when they became too frequent for him to reasonably take time off from work. This time, he wasn't even able to go to the 20-week ultrasound, which is the one thing most husbands go to. Which brings up another concern - on one hand, I want the option that gets me out of the hospital quickest to avoid potential COVID infection for me and my newborn. On the other hand, I don't want to be put in a situation that may require emergency surgery, when hospital staffing is already stressed.

And there are the additional factors to take into account. It's 2020, which I wouldn't say is anybody's lucky year. It certainly hasn't been mine. Even if I go with what I think is the "safer choice," I still might die, despite the low probability. And the astrology around my due date is the shittiest we'll see all year. I'm due the day Mercury goes retrograde, Venus will be in Virgo (where it's in its Fall), Mars will be retrograde, Saturn is in Capricorn conjunct Pluto and Jupiter, and in a loose square to Mars. All the astrological thugs are in the mix (and Jupiter serves as the Great Instigator). And both Saturn and Mars will be in their domiciles, where their effects are strongest, so a square is like a cage-fight where no one wins. When he's born, this poor kid will probably have most chaotic birth chart I've ever seen. Maybe it's silly to consider the astrology but the more I learn about it, the more things make sense. The only bright spot and hopeful sign I've gotten is that when I asked the tarot what the outcome would be, I got the Queen of Wands, which I interpreted as I'm capable of manifesting a successful outcome, even in the worst of conditions, if I set my mind to it. This has always been my philosophy and it helped to remind me that, even if I'm not the luckiest person, I'm also far from being the unluckiest person. In fact, I've always felt the Universe was on my side most of the time and the time's when I felt it wasn't, things worked out in the end. However, there's still an internal struggle I'm working through to combat my fears.

And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom

I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger

I've never known the lovin' of a man

But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand

There's a boy here in town says he'll love me forever

Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life,

Well I've had just enough time

I've made my peace with Death but that doesn't mean I'm ready to go or that I want to. I've got a lot of things I have to finish, the most important of which is raising my son(s). My oldest is the best thing in my life. I fall in love with him every morning, even when he's being stubborn or bossy or moody (which is at least half my fault, especially the bossy part). He's always doing something unexpectedly smart or sweet. For example, he has a little vTech phone my dad got him for his birthday and he has a recording app on it. I recently realized that, when he's not recording himself doing funny voices or screaming, his favorite thing to record is my voice. He's recorded dozens of files of me laughing or talking. And the other day, I was singing while cooking dinner and he ran to get his phone so he could make recordings of me singing showtunes and early 90s ballads. It was sweet but, afterwards, it made me sad because I started thinking, "What happens if I die and these become his only memories of me?" I know it's morbid and I'm trying not to ruminate on it so much, but I've been really scared and in a dark place since the beginning of this pregnancy.

On the plus side, I looked through my benefits and realized I do have a small amount of life insurance, so my husband won't be completely fucked if I die. He'll be able to manage long enough to sell the house and get on his feet, especially with my parents added help. Again, morbid but comforting. One less thing I have to worry about. After doing my own research - reading a couple books and scientific articles as well as watching/reading other women's stories - and talking to my husband about our options, I'm feeling a lot more confident now about my plan (and backup plan). It helps I got some added encouragement from my dad and older sister saying I'll make the best the best choice for my family. I've always had a strong internal locus of control and I'm not very easy to sway once I've decide on something, usually, although new information will give me pause for consideration. I'm not unreasonable and when a decision does have high risk and affects anyone other than myself, that's when inner fears start to creep in. It's very easy to get lost in self-doubt when you don't have a supportive group of friends and family. Or worse, if you have friends and family who actively cause you to doubt yourself and your choices (in which case, you should probably be questioning their place in your life). But, ultimately, I'm the one who has to decide, so I have about 10 weeks to get my fears in order.

A penny for my thoughts, oh no I'll sell them for a dollar

They're worth so much more after I'm a goner

And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'

Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

I chose this song because I think it's sweet. I love the singer's voice - she sounds so young but the lyrics are so wise. "If I Die Young" is about living while you're alive, because that's all you get. The best gift you can give another is your presence, which has been another benefit of deleting Instagram and Twitter - I've spent a lot more time paying attention to my son and my husband. And myself. One thing this song does remind me of, though, is the movie trope of The Dying Girl. She lives in the same realm as The Beautiful Sad Girl and the Manic-Pixie-Dream Girl. When she shows up, her purpose is to give the flawed male protagonist perspective on life, so that he appreciates it more and her death serves to help him reach self-actualization. Yes, it's bullshit but it's a real writing cliche that's grown popular in recent years. My favorite example is "A Walk to Remember" - for a moment, we get to believe Mandy Moore is going to live and marry the man she's changed for the better. But, no, her leukemia comes out of remission and she only lives for a short time after she gets married. And while I know it happens - people marry their dying lovers all the time and it's treated as this beautiful, romantic occasion - it takes a level of strength I don't think most people have. To go into a romance, knowing it's doomed, and when it's over, you'll be left with all this pain, trauma, and a broken heart but not much else other than a few happy memories. Not even the hope you'll be together again in this life because this life ended for them. And that's where I'll stop, because this post was already too depressing when I chose this song.

"If I Die Young" Video

"Name" by The Goo Goo Dolls

As I've mentioned many times before, I use music to cope with a lot of things. I allow it to shape my emotional landscape, changing it as it needs to, letting the lyrics and notes seep into my soul - hopefully to transform it into something even more beautiful. I listen to NF and My Chemical Romance to sort out my inner rage issues and form a deeper understanding of how the more unfortunate times in my life have made me the person I am. I listen to Hanson and the Spice Girls to get in touch with my Inner Child and remember the joy I shared with old friends. To honor the little girl I used to be. When I've had a rough day at work, I listen to Spotify's "This is Taylor Swift" playlist to cheer me up....and sometimes to put me in the right mindset on the commute to work - a commute I miss having because it was a slow 20 minutes that let me sit with myself for a moment and just be. Taylor Swift has a song for every kind of heartache - more on that later in Cancer season. Lately, the Universe has been telling me to just be still - something I'm not very good at, most of the time. I'm the type of person who likes to fill my day with projects and people, working and learning. Constantly keeping my mind going. Meditation has helped with that. So has waking up in the middle of the night and staring at the ceiling fan, an impromptu form of meditation in its own right.

And even though the moment passed me by

I still can't turn away

'Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose

Got tossed along the way

And letters that you never meant to send

Get lost or thrown away

"Name" is a song that provides me that "be still" energy and just accept the thoughts that float in. The lyrics are rather philosophical and pensive. Because the lyrics can be vague, I looked up the song meaning. Johnny Rzeznik wrote it about his past - his parents both died when he was young and his father was an alcoholic. In it, he reflects on his journey - the people he is singing to are his older sisters, who raised him. The feeling behind it is one of immense gratitude of being able to experience someone in life, regardless of how things ended up. The video depicts a bus of people, all traveling along on their own journey. Together, for a time. I know - super deep.

I think about you all the time

But I don't need the same

It's lonely where you are, come back down

And I won't tell 'em your name

I'm still pondering over what my birthday song will be this year. I don't want to use my old standby, because this is an important birthday that marks the start of an important year in my life. I'll talk more about why I believe this. There's more to it than the eclipse falling a day before my birthday, even though the energy this week has been especially intense, even for eclipse season. There's a lot happening right now - astrologically, politically, globally, spiritually - it can be hard to know how to unpack it all. If we even can. But I'm trying my best. I don't have much more to say about "Name" - it's one of my favorite songs and it speaks to me. There isn't much more to it than that.

"Name" Video

"Love Ridden" by Fiona Apple

"Love Ridden" is my favorite Fiona Apple song. I haven't been listening to it a lot because it makes me sad but it's easily one of her most beautiful ballads. It's also one of the most heartbreaking. I've flirted with the idea of learning the piano accompaniment. As a party trick, something I can perform on a whim. I don't have much more to say about this song, except I wanted to share it today. Because I felt like writing something but I didn't know what. And the lyrics speak for themselves.

I looked into Fiona's chart, just to understand how her placements might contribute to her speaking to me on the level that they do. She has a lot of amazing placements in her chart. Moon in Virgo, which can sometimes be a difficult placement. It can translate into a strong desire to feel needed in relationships. With Venus in Leo, this is coupled with a strong desire to be wanted in a relationship and associating being wanted with getting a lot of attention. This is evident from the lyrics in "Love Ridden" - when faced with a situation where she feels increasingly unloved and unwanted, she'd rather distance herself than confront it head on. This is a very Virgo thing - they never want to be a burden and, oftentimes, they believe asking for what they need to feel loved is burdensome to others. In fact, they'd think of accepting the end of the relationship, even if it isn't what they want, as setting the other person free. Besides having a Virgo stellium and a very prominent Leo placement, she has an interesting play on essential dignities. Her Jupiter is Exalted in Cancer but her Mars is in Fall in Cancer. Let's talk about how that works out.

Love ridden, I've looked at you

With the focus I gave to my birthday candles

I've wished on the lidded blue flames...

Under your brow

And baby, I wished for you!

Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed

And I wanna...

Crawl in with you

But I cry instead

I want your warmth, but it will only make me colder

When it's over

So I can't tonight, baby!

Mars is the planet of war, fury, and passion and it actually holds domicile in another water sign, Scorpio. But where Scorpio revels in vengeance, Cancer sees it as dangerous and selfish. Where Scorpio translates "passion" in sexual terms, Cancer is more romantic in the approach (a very Venusian perspective). When a planet is in its Fall, it is at a severe disadvantage. For Mars, that often means that Martian themes are repressed and often redirected inwards. Mars in Cancer is very much like the cast members at Disneyworld. As much as they'd like to punch that rude parent in the face and tell them to go fuck themselves, they'll most likely put on a fake smile and say "Have a magical day!" instead. (My little sister said that if I a cast member says that, they're telling you to fuck off. She has a ton of amazing yet surreal stories like this from her stint as a corporate prisoner at Disneyworld.) When angry, a person with Mars in Cancer might pout and sulk about a grievance when what they'd really like to do is toss your phone across the room. Or take a sledgehammer to your computer. Or just strangle you a little bit. Or fuck you until you're too sore to move. Or maybe they'd combine the latter two, because some people are into that, especially when they're insanely repressed. I'm sure there's a whole book on the astrology of sexual kinks that I have yet to discover (and will probably Google after I finish writing). But you can't write this placement off as being a coward because they have no issue standing up and fighting for others. It's advocating for themselves - speaking for their own needs, their own desires, their own boundaries - that becomes difficult. Mostly out of fear of harming or burdening others. Anger might be focused inwardly, as it is the only acceptable place for it to go. As a result, this can be a very self-destructive placement. If you listen to Fiona's songs, they all have this super chill vibe but the actual lyrics are often expressing anger or disappointment, at both the people she loves and at herself.

Conversely, Jupiter is Exalted in Cancer. A planet in exaltation is like a person who is on vacation - their inhibitions are lifted and they are open to new experiences. For a planet like Jupiter, it heightens its expansiveness, good fortune, and focus on big ideas. Where her Moon in Virgo might manifest as a person who is emotionally inhibited, Jupiter in Cancer eases that hesitation to be more emotionally honest. I also have a feeling that this placement manifests as someone who believes in True Love without question - open to the idea of soulmates and the hope of a perfect match. They can handle matters of the heart without issue and can be relied on to provide sound relationship advice, especially when it comes to disappoint in love. This is also considered to be an extremely lucky placement - for example, Taylor Swift becoming an iconic musical artist (and one of the wealthiest) before she even got close to turning 30. Or like Jennifer Lawrence winning her first Oscar....when she was only 22. Or Steve Jobs becoming the poster child for tech wizardry and innovation for an entire generation. Doing research on this placement, there is an extreme number of A-list celebrities and politicians with Jupiter in Cancer. However, I did note that several died young and usually at the height of their career (e.g., Kurt Cobain, Heath Ledger, James Dean), so it sounds like it can be a double-edged sword. Much like Icarus flying too close to the Sun.

No! Not "baby" anymore!

If I need you I'll just use your simple name

Only kisses on the cheek from now on

And in a little while, we'll only have to wave

My hand won't hold you down, no more!

The path is...

Clear to follow through

I stood too long in the way of the door!

And now, I'm giving up on...

You!

Finally, I wanted to note that Fiona Apple has natal Mercury Retrograde in Virgo. I know what you're thinking - Oh no! Not Mercury Retrograde! As someone who also has a natal Mercury Retrograde (in Cancer), there's a lot of good things about this placement. It is often said that this placement can manifest as difficulty in being understood. But that is par for the course - misunderstanding can be expected when you simply see the world differently from others. Though Mercury Retrograde natives may have problems with communication and being misunderstood early in their lives, they often are considered some of the greatest communicators when they grow up. This placement bestows a way of explaining things that helps others see things in a different light. They are often seen as great connectors, bringing together people who feel like outsiders in some way. They often have a keen (albeit dark) sense of humor and can see the bright side in generally shitty situations. They tend to be able to put difficult emotions into words others can understand and connect to. And they often become advocates for those who aren't able to speak for themselves. Some Mercury Retrograde natives include Angelina Jolie (in Gemini), Lady Gaga (in Pisces), and Monica Lewinsky (in Cancer).

Guess this was my roundabout way of saying Mercury is about to go Retrograde in Cancer this Thursday. Get ready to feel all the feels - because this summer is going to be a long one. I can tell already.

"Love Ridden" Video

"Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?" by Bryan Adams

I woke up last Thursday with this song stuck in my head. And, I was like, "Really, Jess? Are we really going to do this today?" That being said, I'm a sucker for cheesy 90s love songs and this one has to be the cheesiest. And, yet again, there's that goddamn flamenco guitar. I really do have a type when it comes to music, don't I? I read somewhere that Venus (or was it Mercury?) in Cancer has an amazing emotional memory when it comes to music. I have both placements, so maybe it's a double whammy? I don't know - I'm still an amateur. This song was recorded as the theme for the film, "Don Juan DeMarco" and - while I love me some Johnny Depp - I have not seen the movie. I've added it to my list, because it sounds like a movie I would like. It's a romantic comedy about a man who believes he's Don Juan, the greatest lover in the world. When he goes to get psychiatric treatment, hilarity ensues (I'm assuming) and his psychiatrist learns something about love. Sounds ridiculous. But I'm ridiculous, so it fits. As sappy as it was, "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?" was nominated for Best Original Song at the 1996 Academy Awards, but lost to "Colors of the Wind" from "Pocahontas" (a worthy opponent). Also, can you believe the gall of Wikipedia in categorizing this song as "latin rock"?! You can't just put shit in that category because it sounds vaguely Spanish! Yes, I am shaking my head furiously.

To really love a woman

To understand her you gotta know her deep inside

Hear every thought see every dream

And give her wings when she wants to fly

Then when you find yourself lyin' helpless in her arms

You know ya really love a woman

I didn't have much of a rant for this song, beyond that it popped into my head out of nowhere, but that happens quite frequently. A song I haven't heard in several years will suddenly become an earwig for me and it gets reincorporated into the repertoire. Occasionally, I'll consider it a sign but sometimes, it might be just nostalgia. For a moment long forgotten....or one that should be. While we're on the topic of signs, I've been considering some of the other ones I've been getting lately. In particular, I've been called toward Persephone, Goddess of Spring and Queen of the Underworld. This was my favorite Greek myth when I was younger. I used to read it over and over in "D'Aulaire's Greek Mythology," which I highly recommend for children who are interested in mythology. First, I've been seeing a lot of posts on Pinterest featuring pomegranates and poems about Persephone. Then, she keeps being mentioned in podcasts. And she was mentioned in a particular podcast I was listening to about sacred sexuality, regarding the Pluto/Hades-Persephone archetype. The podcast host was talking about the desire to be claimed. I thought the discussion around it was intriguing. For those unfamiliar with Greek mythology, Persephone was kidnapped by Hades and taken to the Underworld to be his Queen. This was a deal that Zeus had made with Hades in secret, because he thought her mother, Demeter, wouldn't allow it. While in the Underworld, Persephone ate six pomegranate arils (seeds). Demeter searched the whole world for her daughter and when she found her, she tried to bring her back. But because Persephone ate food of the Underworld, he would only allow her to return for 6 months out of every year - one month for every seed she ate. And that is why, according to the Greeks, we have seasons.

To really love a woman

Let her hold you

'Til ya know how she needs to be touched

You've gotta breathe her, really taste her

'Til you can feel her in your blood

And when you can see your unborn children in her eyes

The typical interpretation of this story is Persephone was taken by force and tricked by Hades into eating the pomegranate seeds. However, modern witchcraft and Dark Goddess worshippers have a different interpretation. Persephone made a choice. Out of all the nymphs, Hades chose to claim Persephone, because he could see her greatness. He knew she would be a great and just Queen. Her mother would have Summer all year long but he knew Persephone was wiser than that. She knew that the world needs time to rest and recoup, to process, understand, and appreciate the gifts of Summer. And so, she chose to give the world a yearly reprieve from her mother's Endless Summer and shaped her own path to her Destiny. Persephone is the also considered a Goddess of Rebirth. She encourages us to embrace the darkness and shadows, because when we emerge, we've become stronger and more luminous than before. In addition to Lilith, I've always considered her a personal guide for me. Listening to that podcast helped something click, and I've been spending a lot of time exploring those revelations in the past week. 

Just some light Saturday thoughts. I'm super good at those. 

"Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?" Video

"Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen (as performed by Rufus Wainwright)

I chose this song for today because - to me - it speaks of deep surrender. A few months ago, I think I described myself as been "in the wilderness." It's much farther than that. These last couple of months have been slow and have left a lot of time to reflect. I opened my eyes and realized my life has descended into chaos. And I've been here for a long time. For my astrological research, I took the opportunity to look back at a journal I kept in 2012. Funnily enough, I kept it to document the last year before the projected end of the world - 21 December 2012. All this shit we're experiencing now in 2020, I fully expected to see eight years ago. Plenty of journal entries expressed disappointment at such a lackluster apocalypse. It was painful to read those entries because they were written by a vapid, shallow, silly little girl. And I'm grateful to know that because sometimes, it doesn't feel like I've grown at all. But I have. I'm not that naive, delusional girl anymore but I'm disappointed to find the circumstances she was dealing with nearly a decade go have an unpleasantly familiar flavor. All I want is to get off this wheel so how do I break it?

Now, I've heard there was a secret chord

That David played, and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do you?

It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall, the major lift

The baffled king composing Hallelujah

In the past few weeks, I've spent a lot of time reading the numerous spiritual books I own and rediscovering who I am. Remembering the things I love and reminding myself of the things I want. And I've spent a lot of time praying, especially in the past week. It's difficult, because I haven't been very clear on what I want in the past. And some of the things I'm certain I want seem impossibly out of reach. The Husband has seen me cry more in the past 5 months than he has in the entire 15 years we've been together - and that's not an exaggeration. I hide sadness as a necessity, because it makes others more comfortable. It's as natural to me as breathing. This and other strong walls inside me are breaking and the only thing I can do is accept it with grace and compassion. To let my heart be soft and quiet, in the face of so much chaos. It has become necessary in order for me to take the next steps in my journey.

A thought occurred to me - has been occurring to me for a long time. I have to extinguish the flame of hope and allow faith to lead the way. Do the hard thing, the thing you've been avoiding for so long, because it's for the best. It might not be what I want but this is how it has to be right now. Let it be. This thought reminded me of an episode of "Avatar: The Last Airbender," which I rewatched recently, because I was getting a lot of signs to do so. There's this episode where Aang learns the Legend of the Two Lovers, the first Earthbenders. He and Katara are separated from the rest of the group in a dark cave and after reading the story of the Earthbenders on their tombs, Katara seems to understand the meaning of what they've been told the whole time for getting through the cave system - Love is brightest in the dark. Katara snuffs out their last torch and luminescent crystals appear, leading them to the exit of the labyrinth. Classic Hero's Journey stuff. The same path is mirrored in the Tarot. After the Tower, arguably the most troubled point in the Major Arcana, comes the Star, to lead the recipient through the rubble and darkness. Some consider The Tower to be a negative card but it serves to remind us chaos - in some cases - is often needed to discover what isn't working. What isn't stable. What doesn't rest well with our hearts. And it forces us to face our fears head on.

As I've mentioned, I've been studying astrology pretty aggressively for the past year or so. There's been a lot of debate on if it's "real" or not. However, there's also the idea that our changed perception of the Universe in itself alters the Universe that we see. Essentially, if you engage with the Universe, it will engage back. If you believe the Universe can talk to you, it will. Those who aren't open, those who refuse to believe, will never accept the proof, no matter how much of it they are presented. I was bored yesterday, so I decided to watch a TED Talk- Do you see the signs of the Universe? by Ulla Suokko - that took place at Tedx - Big Sky in January 2019. I had seen it in my recommendations many times and I was interested in it enough to bookmark it for later but hadn't gotten around to it. The talk can be distilled down to our inner narrative and limiting stories can shape how we perceive the Universe and this reflects in the "signs" we see.

You might have guessed but I'm the type of person who sees "signs." In fact, "Signs" is my favorite M. Night Shyamalan movie (feel free to judge me). I'm a big fan of the aliens - not the aliens in the movie, obviously (cuz they were fucking assholes) but THE aliens and the idea of aliens in general. Have been since I was a little girl. Kind of always felt like I was one. Which leads me to some of the signs I've been getting lately. First, I can't remember who tweeted it or what the quote was from, but there was a tweet on my timeline that said "The people who are called are not the same as the people who are curious." And I was like - *whoosh* - that message was definitely for me. That's the thing - when a message is for you, you'll know. It's an undeniable feeling. Back to the quote - it's never been hard for me to find people who are interested in some of these topics - who are curious about witchcraft and the occult or they like the goth "aesthetic" but have never delved further into the genre than wearing black clothes and skull jewelry. They enjoy watching horror and/or paranormal movies/TV shows but they don't think about them cerebrally, in the context of wider culture. They're not deep about it - and that's okay. That's who they are. But I've rarely found people who were truly called to magic - at least, not in real life. I've only encountered a few in my life, which is why I'm incredibly grateful for the growing Internet spiritual community.

Fast forward to my daily constitutionals last week, when I listened to a Cosmic Keys podcast featuring Gordon White. Dan and Scarlett were talking about how they bonded over listening to Rune Soup, which White had originally named "Find the Others." That phrase, again, struck me. Find the Others. And Dan said that is how he met Scarlett - she was his first attempt to find the others. And he found her and now they have this podcast, which connects even more people in the occult community. I feel that. I feel like I am being called to find the others. Furthermore, I think we're coming upon an era in which it's going to be especially important to know who the "others" are. And maybe you are, too. If you've stumbled upon this blog, consider this your sign.

I did my best, it wasn't much

I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch

I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you

And even though it all went wrong

I'll stand before the Lord of Song

With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

I'm not going to speak on the astrology of current events. It undermines the historical significance of what's happening. This is bigger than a few harsh transits and aspects. However, I can feel we're heading into some real darkness. If you find a star, keep following it for as long as you can.

I've included the original Leonard Cohen version (because he was brilliant and everyone should be acquainted with his music) and the Rufus Wainwright version, which you may be familiar with because it was featured in "Shrek." I included it because I love his interpretation. I think hearing the lyrics in a tenor voice, in this case, imbues it with more passion and melancholy.

Leonard Cohen Version

Rufus Wainwright Version

"Uninvited" by Alanis Morissette (performed by Red Sun Rising)

I heard this song (the original version) the other day while I was giving my son a bath. I had forgotten how much I liked it - it is, in fact, one of my favorite Alanis Morissette songs. Critical reviews all describe the melody as "haunting," one of the key factors as to why I like it so much. "Uninvited" came out after the success of "Jagged Little Pill," her first album that was released worldwide. It was released as a single from the soundtrack for "City of Angels." Regardless of how you feel about the movie and its premise (which we'll get to in a minute), the soundtrack was brilliant and contained some of the most iconic music of the decade. For example, "Iris" - which Taylor Swift introduced very accurately during one of her concerts as "one of the greatest songs of all time" - was also released as a single for the movie. "Uninvited" earned Morissette two Grammy's in 1999 - for Best Rock Song and Best Female Rock Vocal - and it was nominated for a Golden Globe as Best Original Song.

Like anyone would be

I am flattered by your fascination with me

There has been much speculation about this song. Because the tune does have a darkness to it, some have interpreted as being directed towards someone who is stalking the singer. However, this is not the case. In Morissette's own words, she has called this her "fear of love" song. To be pursued by someone you could feel a strong attraction towards but putting up a shield because of the murkiness of your own mind. In interviews, Morissette indicates that she had been going through some things during the writing of this song. She saw a raw snippet of "City of Angels" when she was asked to write something for the soundtrack, and she was inspired by the turbulence and confusion exhibited by Meg Ryan's character. Not being a stranger to romantic turmoil, she describes the hesitance to jump into something uncertain as a natural reaction to being burned. But the knowledge of pain is what makes it all the more blissful. "You don't really know how amazing things are unless you have the contrast of things not having been amazing for a certain amount of time, and I happen to like that theory."

Must be strangely exciting

To watch the stoic squirm

For those not as well versed in Meg Ryan movies as I am, I will recount "City of Angels" for you, because it is a truly romantic and tragic story. Nick Cage plays Seth, an angel who is charged to watch over humans in various ways but mostly to guide the dying to the next life. While watching over one of his humans, he becomes enamored with the efforts of the surgeon, Maggie (Meg Ryan), trying to save the man and her absolute torment when she fails. Seth quickly becomes obsessed with Maggie and makes a choice to become visible to her. They strike up a friendship which eventually turns into mutual attraction, which becomes a source of confusion for Maggie as she is already in a relationship with one of her colleagues. During the course of his duties, he meets a patient who used to be an angel but became human through a process called "falling." Seth begins contemplating the possibility to be with Maggie. In a symbolic act, he falls from a skyscraper and when he awakens after the fall, he is fully human, with all the pain and emotions that go along with it. He seeks out Maggie and when she discovers he has become human for her, they make love. I don't want to spoil the movie but let's just say their ecstasy is short-lived and it ends badly. Although Meg Ryan is still acting today, this movie came out right at the height of her career - once the 90s ended, Ryan was cast less frequently in the romantic comedies that made her famous. Part of it was that she wanted to branch out and do more serious films (like "City of Angels") but, unfortunately, that's just the reality of an actress who ages out of playing the ingenue.

You speak of my love like

You have experienced love like mine before

I chose to feature Red Sun Rising's cover of "Uninvited" simply because I like the singer's voice. This version is true to the original and preserves that chilling quality that was so acclaimed. I found the music video for this version disturbing and I can't exactly put my finger on why. In the video, an older man is looking out his window and he sees a neighbor across the way - a young woman - walking around her apartment naked in the middle of the night. The next day, he buys her a flower arrangement and leaves it at her door. That night, he watches her walking around again - this time, the flowers are on her table. As she stops to smell and enjoy them, a smile crosses the man's face. That's literally all that happens during the video but there is a sinister implication that it escalates after the video ends. The thing is, I know what that girl is thinking as she smells the flowers - we all have this fantasy of the "secret admirer" who turns out to be this perfect man who is everything we want him to be. However, when someone keeps showing up on your running path or seems to be invited to all the same parties you are, the feeling is more akin to being little more than prey. That's why "You" is so dangerous - because Joe Goldberg is that attractive man who wants to meet all your needs....and he also happens to be a murderous psychopath. That being said, the general consensus of women who watched "You" was that they'd happily be stalked by Joe. I even found myself thinking that, despite being very aware of the dangers of getting in a relationship with someone who is sociopathic and narcissistic. But, as the lyrics say, it is flattering to be wanted that much. To be on the receiving end of that much attention. Especially for those of us who love the spotlight. From what I understand of the second season, Joe meets someone who is just as creepily obsessive as he is and they live happily ever after....or do they? ::dramatic music::

I don't think you unworthy

I need a moment to deliberate

I've included both the Red Sun Rising cover and the original, for your listening pleasure. Enjoy!

"Uninvited" Red Sun Rising Video

"Uninvited" Alanis Morissette Video