"Love Ridden" by Fiona Apple

"Love Ridden" is my favorite Fiona Apple song. I haven't been listening to it a lot because it makes me sad but it's easily one of her most beautiful ballads. It's also one of the most heartbreaking. I've flirted with the idea of learning the piano accompaniment. As a party trick, something I can perform on a whim. I don't have much more to say about this song, except I wanted to share it today. Because I felt like writing something but I didn't know what. And the lyrics speak for themselves.

I looked into Fiona's chart, just to understand how her placements might contribute to her speaking to me on the level that they do. She has a lot of amazing placements in her chart. Moon in Virgo, which can sometimes be a difficult placement. It can translate into a strong desire to feel needed in relationships. With Venus in Leo, this is coupled with a strong desire to be wanted in a relationship and associating being wanted with getting a lot of attention. This is evident from the lyrics in "Love Ridden" - when faced with a situation where she feels increasingly unloved and unwanted, she'd rather distance herself than confront it head on. This is a very Virgo thing - they never want to be a burden and, oftentimes, they believe asking for what they need to feel loved is burdensome to others. In fact, they'd think of accepting the end of the relationship, even if it isn't what they want, as setting the other person free. Besides having a Virgo stellium and a very prominent Leo placement, she has an interesting play on essential dignities. Her Jupiter is Exalted in Cancer but her Mars is in Fall in Cancer. Let's talk about how that works out.

Love ridden, I've looked at you

With the focus I gave to my birthday candles

I've wished on the lidded blue flames...

Under your brow

And baby, I wished for you!

Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed

And I wanna...

Crawl in with you

But I cry instead

I want your warmth, but it will only make me colder

When it's over

So I can't tonight, baby!

Mars is the planet of war, fury, and passion and it actually holds domicile in another water sign, Scorpio. But where Scorpio revels in vengeance, Cancer sees it as dangerous and selfish. Where Scorpio translates "passion" in sexual terms, Cancer is more romantic in the approach (a very Venusian perspective). When a planet is in its Fall, it is at a severe disadvantage. For Mars, that often means that Martian themes are repressed and often redirected inwards. Mars in Cancer is very much like the cast members at Disneyworld. As much as they'd like to punch that rude parent in the face and tell them to go fuck themselves, they'll most likely put on a fake smile and say "Have a magical day!" instead. (My little sister said that if I a cast member says that, they're telling you to fuck off. She has a ton of amazing yet surreal stories like this from her stint as a corporate prisoner at Disneyworld.) When angry, a person with Mars in Cancer might pout and sulk about a grievance when what they'd really like to do is toss your phone across the room. Or take a sledgehammer to your computer. Or just strangle you a little bit. Or fuck you until you're too sore to move. Or maybe they'd combine the latter two, because some people are into that, especially when they're insanely repressed. I'm sure there's a whole book on the astrology of sexual kinks that I have yet to discover (and will probably Google after I finish writing). But you can't write this placement off as being a coward because they have no issue standing up and fighting for others. It's advocating for themselves - speaking for their own needs, their own desires, their own boundaries - that becomes difficult. Mostly out of fear of harming or burdening others. Anger might be focused inwardly, as it is the only acceptable place for it to go. As a result, this can be a very self-destructive placement. If you listen to Fiona's songs, they all have this super chill vibe but the actual lyrics are often expressing anger or disappointment, at both the people she loves and at herself.

Conversely, Jupiter is Exalted in Cancer. A planet in exaltation is like a person who is on vacation - their inhibitions are lifted and they are open to new experiences. For a planet like Jupiter, it heightens its expansiveness, good fortune, and focus on big ideas. Where her Moon in Virgo might manifest as a person who is emotionally inhibited, Jupiter in Cancer eases that hesitation to be more emotionally honest. I also have a feeling that this placement manifests as someone who believes in True Love without question - open to the idea of soulmates and the hope of a perfect match. They can handle matters of the heart without issue and can be relied on to provide sound relationship advice, especially when it comes to disappoint in love. This is also considered to be an extremely lucky placement - for example, Taylor Swift becoming an iconic musical artist (and one of the wealthiest) before she even got close to turning 30. Or like Jennifer Lawrence winning her first Oscar....when she was only 22. Or Steve Jobs becoming the poster child for tech wizardry and innovation for an entire generation. Doing research on this placement, there is an extreme number of A-list celebrities and politicians with Jupiter in Cancer. However, I did note that several died young and usually at the height of their career (e.g., Kurt Cobain, Heath Ledger, James Dean), so it sounds like it can be a double-edged sword. Much like Icarus flying too close to the Sun.

No! Not "baby" anymore!

If I need you I'll just use your simple name

Only kisses on the cheek from now on

And in a little while, we'll only have to wave

My hand won't hold you down, no more!

The path is...

Clear to follow through

I stood too long in the way of the door!

And now, I'm giving up on...

You!

Finally, I wanted to note that Fiona Apple has natal Mercury Retrograde in Virgo. I know what you're thinking - Oh no! Not Mercury Retrograde! As someone who also has a natal Mercury Retrograde (in Cancer), there's a lot of good things about this placement. It is often said that this placement can manifest as difficulty in being understood. But that is par for the course - misunderstanding can be expected when you simply see the world differently from others. Though Mercury Retrograde natives may have problems with communication and being misunderstood early in their lives, they often are considered some of the greatest communicators when they grow up. This placement bestows a way of explaining things that helps others see things in a different light. They are often seen as great connectors, bringing together people who feel like outsiders in some way. They often have a keen (albeit dark) sense of humor and can see the bright side in generally shitty situations. They tend to be able to put difficult emotions into words others can understand and connect to. And they often become advocates for those who aren't able to speak for themselves. Some Mercury Retrograde natives include Angelina Jolie (in Gemini), Lady Gaga (in Pisces), and Monica Lewinsky (in Cancer).

Guess this was my roundabout way of saying Mercury is about to go Retrograde in Cancer this Thursday. Get ready to feel all the feels - because this summer is going to be a long one. I can tell already.

"Love Ridden" Video

"Fast As You Can" by Fiona Apple

In honor of Fiona Apple's newest album, "Fetch the Bolt Cutters," which was released this past Friday, I'm going to share one of my favorite songs by Fiona Apple. I have several of these but this one, I think, most accurately captures the pace of my frantic mind, in both lyrics and tonal shifts. I also think it's a perfect song to embody Venus hanging out in Gemini for four fucking months (as it criss-crosses my ascendant a couple times....no biggie). As I've mentioned before, this song factored in heavily during my first quarter-life crisis. As I feel the aching desire of change yet again, it becomes even more fitting. During that first period, I chopped off all of my hair and started being a lot more social, trying on very different facets of my personality (which, at one point, became one of about seven different 'Jessicas' that came out depending on who I was with - not multiple personalities, just extremely compartmentalized out of a fear of being vulnerable and, thus, authentic). Now, there's this uncomfortable tension, where something has to shift or break or something. And it's just in my nature that, if something needs to happen, I'll make it happen, god damn it. I'll quit my job, move to a different state, drop people from my life, change my name - seriously, just give me a reason. I'd like to say that it's simply that "I'm done here," but the truth is it's more like "I'm not getting what I need here," and that makes it time to move on. Perhaps that's selfish. But it's better than being stuck in a situation that is clearly not making me happy and growing to be a bitter and hateful person who is dissatisfied with everything. Uncomproming. That's the word for it. I'm uncompromising, once I reach a point. If I've handed in my notice or walked away, it's already too late. I'm gone.

I let the beast in too soon

I don't know how to live without my hand on his throat

I fight him always and still

O darling, it's so sweet

You think you know how crazy

How crazy I am

You say you don't spook easy

You won't go

But I know

And I pray that you will

In "Fast As You Can," Fiona is warning those who would get close to her that she can be a lot to handle. Maybe more than they're expecting, maybe more than they can take. This song highlights is her seething self-awareness of the ways she's fucked up past relationships. It also reveals an inability or unwillingness to change. Sometimes, it's simply because we just don't know how and we keep repeating the same patterns in relationship after relationship. This can be especially difficult when there's trauma in someone's past, because they're not fully aware of their triggers. The lyrics that most strike me about the first verse are "It's so sweet/You think you know how crazy/How crazy I am." There's multiple reasons for this. First, I think she's aware that even she doesn't know how deep the abyss goes. Second, this song is from the point of view of a relationship that is just starting - the person she's singing to simply has not seen her vulnerable enough to understand the extent of it. And she knows it. She's probably been on her best behavior until now. Psychologists estimate that we don't truly know someone until between 6 months to a year of knowing them. That's generally when the rose-colored glasses come off and people start revealing who they really are. They've been filtering who they are and, a lot of times, people have been shaping themselves to fit whatever they think your "ideal partner" is, based on what you've revealed about yourself so far. After about the 18-month mark, you can be pretty secure that who you're dealing with is their true character. And hopefully you like it, because the base traits are unlikely to change in the future. Unless they are putting in some sincere hard work towards changing, through things like therapy, anger management classes, or  some other extreme life event that forces them to take stock of their life. What I'm saying is - people don't change unless they have an incentive. They don't change unless they want to.

Sometimes my mind don't shake and shift

But most of the time, it does

And I get to the place where I'm begging for a lift

Or I'll drown in the wonders and the was

And I'll be your girl, if you say it's a gift

And you give me some more of your drugs

Yeah, I'll be your pet, if you just tell me it's a gift

'Cause I'm tired of whys, choking on whys

Just need a little because, because

When I think back to that first identity crisis, when I was 18, I haven't changed much since then. I'm still fairly spontaneous (i.e., impulsive), my mind still moves a thousand miles a minute, I'm still awkwardly quiet in social settings where I don't know people (but that doesn't mean I'm not enjoying the scene). If I seem more patient and less angry, it's that I've recognized and consciously removed the triggers that would make it so explosive when the end of my patience was reached. If I seem kinder and more friendly, it's because I've chosen to embrace the belief I've always had that we are all connected and what hurts others hurts me. If I seem more curious and open-minded, it's because I've chosen to forego the fear of failure. I'm more scared of not knowing nowadays. All those things were there already. Self-awareness and self-improvement (through targeted therapy and books and classes) have simply removed the barriers to expressing what was already there. Gave me better coping mechanisms to deal with anger, fear, pain, and grief. Allowed me to embrace parts of myself others always said were shameful, disappointing, or unpleasant.

The bridge was always my favorite part of "Fast As You Can." In the video, Fiona begins wiping down the foggy window that separates her from the camera. I've interpreted this as the metaphorical unveiling you get when someone is really vulnerable with another person. There comes an unexpected softness. And you understand - she really wants to try this time if it means this new partner will stay. The "drugs" she's referring to are the release of hormones - serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin - that you get when you enjoy being around someone. She'll be tamed, if only s/he could stay forever. The bridge also has some of that vague philosophical subtext - she's tired of asking "why?" Why does she always push away the people she loves the most? Why does she keep repeating the same patterns? Nothing can bring the relief that a reason would.

"Fast As You Can" Video

"Paper Bag" by Fiona Apple

::WARNING:: I used to have an eating disorder. I got help when I was going to school but it's always there in the back of my mind. I'm going to be talking about my experiences, which may trigger anyone who is not as advanced in their recovery as I am. Please know your limits and do what you need to do to stay on your path. ::END WARNING::

When I was starting to fall into the hole that was EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) - which is now OSFED (Other Specified Feeding or Eating Disorder) in the DSM IV - I used to browse pro-Ana and pro-Mia sites to find thin-speration - which, if you couldn't figure it out, is inspiration to be thin. Being a more auditory person, I usually looked through the playlists and ED-inspired music section on these sites. I found some great music during this time. A lot of Silverchair ("Ana's Song"), some Jill Sobule ("Lucy at the Gym" - which I would translate to French in my head sometimes - and "Supermodel") and a metric fuck ton of Fiona Apple.

I love Fiona Apple. I would go so far as to say she's one of my favorite artists - definitely up there with Florence Welch and Gerard Way. She is the soundtrack to my crazy days. True story - I had a quarter life crisis when I was 18, right when I got to college. I have one of these every couple of years - it's how my psyche keeps me on my toes and purges the madness. During that time, I chopped off my long dark hair (it turned out okay, because short hair apparently looks really good on me), started going out to party with my friends (usually at the gay club in El Paso, The OP - we saw Boy George DJ there once....he looked sick....like he'd been on cocaine, which he was at the time), and listened to "Fast as You Can" on repeat. In fact, I learned how to put out a match with my tongue because Fiona does it in the "Fast as You Can" video. Seriously, ask to see it one day - it really doesn't hurt that much. But I have a high pain tolerance and self-destructive tendencies. Enter EDNOS.

There's a lot of reasons why I developed an eating disorder. It's not all "poor little rich girl" syndrome, although I kinda feel like there was a touch of that. I think a lot of it was that I felt un-lovable and didn't deserve to be loved anyway, so I might as well waste away. I ate very little (600-800 calories a day, max) and sometimes, threw up what I did eat. I learned to love the pain of hunger and hated feeling full. When I ate too much, I would imagine I could cut out my stomach and empty it, like a bucket. It was comforting. I still imagine this sometimes - dissecting my body to get rid of the dark, disgusting parts. That's what you need to understand - it doesn't go away. Ever. It just gets easier to handle, easier to ignore. 

But some things really trigger it. Right before I found out I was pregnant, I noticed I was gaining weight. And I panicked and stopped eating breakfast, which made me feel even more nauseous. I was tired all the time and didn't feel like going running, so what else could I do? When I found out I was pregnant with my son, I felt so guilty and I vowed to just eat whenever and whatever I needed to while still being healthy. But then I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and for the first two weeks, before I could take the nutrition course, the specialist put me on a very restrictive diet. Even after I told her I had struggled with an eating disorder in the past. I didn't know what I could eat and I was paralyzed. So paralyzed, I almost didn't want to eat at all. Luckily, the nutrition class taught me how to figure out what I could get away with and it got easier. Being pregnant is a special kind of Hell for those of us who are recovered/recovering from an ED - luckily, the internet is filled with supportive people who understand and have been through it before. But it's still this demon that follows me around.

I never weighed myself at home after getting treatment - only at the doctor's office. My husband put batteries in the scale recently and he's placed it on a specific tile right in front of the sink. When it was in the closet, I never thought of it. Now, every morning, I have convince myself that I don't need to see how much I weigh. That I should trust what I see in the mirror (which I actually really like now) and how my clothes fit. In the back of my mind, though, part of me wishes I could reach my lowest weight and beyond. When I looked like Skeletor. 

I've never put these thoughts down before but it has helped. You know what also helps - knowing that other people have been through it, too. Like Fiona Apple and Demi Lovato. Demi actually has a song that I want to write about, maybe next week, which is where I hope I am in my recovery. No, it is where I am. Just gotta keep saying that over and over. I'm better and I'm going to stay better. For my sake.

Now, as for the song - "Paper Bag" was a common one on the pro-Ana sites because the chorus says that "hunger hurts, but starving works." Keep going! No one can kill you like you can! So fucking inspirational. That's not even what the song is about. It's about Fiona being in love with a guy who isn't strong enough to deal with her bullshit. In order to get over him, she's trying to stay away - she's "starving" herself of him. It's a personal favorite of mine, because the lyrics are just so honest and genuine. Here's the chorus:

Hunger hurts,

And I want him so bad

Oh, it kills

'Cause I know I'm a mess

He don't want to clean up.

I've got to fold

'Cause these hands are too shaky to hold.

Hunger hurts,

But starving works

When it costs too much to love.

Fiona looks beautiful in the video. The cinematography is reminiscent of a 1930s musical. It's funny, I didn't even realize her backup dancers were young boys at first because Fiona Apple is so tiny. She's barely taller than me, and I'm super short. Anyway, sorry for the heavy. I'm trying to keep the self-reflective, serious stuff to Sundays. Any more is too much, I think. 

"Paper Bag" Video

Song du Nuit

Paperbag

by Fiona Apple

Have a bite, My Pretty....

Today's song du nuit is courtesy of a confusing dream I had last night that starred a young man whom I miss dearly.  I love Fiona Apple--I don't think there is a singer-songwriter out there who captures my inner thoughts so accurately as much as she does.  Perhaps it's because I've had similar life experiences to the things she sings about.  Isn't that why we listen to music?  To find ourselves in the beauty of it all?  Je ne sais pas, mes amies.  You'll notice I'm in one of those dreamy, philosophical moods right now....probably because I've been thinking about events that happened so long ago and ruminating on the nature of Fate.  Anyway, her voice has a great husky, sexiness to it, which is so much bigger than her tiny self.  Definitely one of my favorite artists to sing at kaoroke.  Paperbag is one of my Fiona favorites, particulary because it has that misty, jazz singer vibe to it-- an aspect that is played upon in the video after the cut.  Enjoy!