"Wreck of the Day" is the title track for Anna Nalick's debut album. An album which, like Matchbox 20's "More Than You Think You Are" and My Chemical Romance's early works, was perpetually on repeat on my Walkman. Yes, I still had a Walkman in 2005 - technology has morphed radically in the past 15 years. I'd feel old if I didn't also still feel so young. Anna Nalick's music, at this point in time, had a unique talent of capturing difficult feelings and experiences (both positive and negative) while also reviving the spirit of 90s female singer-songwriters. Female solo artists in recent years have veered decidedly towards Pop and R&B. I'm not sure if the likes of Anna Nalick and Michelle Branch would've been as successful if they debuted now. Given the success of T-Swift's latest album, "Folklore," there's a good chance this style could be making a comeback. But it's all just going in cycles now, anyway - isn't it? The Matrix is stuck in a loop.
Hopeless Romantics view the world through a revisionist lens. Maybe it's because I've seen so many movies and read so many books, I feel intuitively how the "story" should go. I think all writers have that sense. Wandering through life, in a world with multitudes of plot holes, extraneous exposition, shitty dialogue, and poorly drawn characters. It's maddening for writers, which might be why so many of them were dependent on alcohol at some point in their life. For reasons I can't fully explain - even to myself - I'm watching "Dawson's Creek." I got it in my head that I wanted to watch the show, because I never watched it when it was on TV, and as luck would have it, Netflix added it to streaming the same day I decided to search for it. The Universe works in mysterious ways. Anyway, Dawson is an aspiring filmmaker and the most hopeless of the most hopeless romantics. On one hand, I identify with his sensibilities completely; on the other hand, I can't help but think him a little foolish, delusional, and completely out of touch with what love is really about. Especially when the fantasy is gone and cold, cruel reality sinks in, looking back on the ruins of your romantic notions leaves you shattered. Press play on "Wreck of the Day."
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view.
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you.
"Wreck of the Day" goes over the thoughts Anna Nalick was struggling with after a failed relationship. A common theme in her work and another universally understood experience. Looking over what happened, from start to finish, and remembering how naïve and foolish you were, because you should've known better. Feeling stupid for letting your defenses down. And feeling pathetic for wishing desperately things could be different, because for some reason, after all the hurt, you still want to be with this person. That is my favorite lyric: I'd cheat Destiny just to be near you. I find it poetic. I mean, all lyrics are technically poetry but this particular lyric appeals to my writerly sense of drama. In addition to all those things you're telling yourself, there's also so many things you want to say to the other person. But it's over now. And you're exhausted from even trying. The entire tenor of the song is one of resignation and acceptance. Surrender. Things happened the way they happened, you can't change it, and all you can do is move on gracefully.
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus.
'Cause love doesn't hurt, so I know I'm not fallin' in love
I'm just fallin' to pieces
I'm feeling better, a little closer to normal, although my expectations of "better" are somewhat lowered. My definition of a good day is only crying once and being able to keep it to myself instead of bursting into tears in front of my children (or crying on the baby, a common occurrence when I was trying to make nursing work). Luckily, the thing that really triggers the tears is working through the CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) exercises in a PPD workbook I bought, so I'm able to kill two birds with one stone. There's a hollow feeling where my heart should be. Like somebody put a shotgun to my chest and pulled the trigger. I imagine that would leave a pretty big hole but I'm not exactly sure how shotguns work - I'm not the type of girl who knows jack shit about guns, really, but I like the aesthetic. Regardless, I'm learning to ignore it. I've regained my ability to consider things with my usual dark humor. And for once, I'm able to say all my clever thoughts in a perfect deadpan voice. When I'm happy, I have a tendency to laugh at my own jokes, which is super uncool.
And maybe I'm not off of being a victim of love
All my resistance will never be distance enough
I've been trying to do things that make me feel more like myself when I have some precious free time. Like watching a lot of "New Girl" and indie films starring Daniel Radcliffe (no idea why - I guess I like his face), saving way too many Pride & Prejudice memes on Pinterest, searching for new music, and reading constantly. Now that my incision is mostly healed, I've been trying to go on walks. Sometimes alone, sometimes with my oldest so he can get some baby-free Mommy Time. I downloaded the Randonautica app, so I can explore more of my neighborhood while actively trying to alter the fabric of Space-Time. The app calculates quantum blind spots (in addition to other things). A quantum blind spot is a location you wouldn't ever end up in due to causally linked forces - i.e., places you would never logically go for any reason in your life. The theory goes that, by being someplace you were never supposed to be, you can alter the timeline. I figure it couldn't hurt to try. To add to things, the app encourages thinking of an intention when you go on your adventure. Encouraging people to start a conversation with the Universe. Don't worry - it's only fucking around if I don't take notes. And I love taking notes.
Happy Full Moon in Scorpio! Jupiter and Pluto just met in an exact conjunction for the last time and Jupiter will, finally, be leaving the hellscape of Capricorn soon enough.
::WARNING:: There are spoilers to the end of "Community" in this post. And a lot of spoilers to other parts of the show, for explanatory purposes. I know the show ended in like 2012 but I'm sure there are plenty of people - like myself - who weren't able to finish the show until it popped up on Netflix at the beginning of quarantine. If you don't like spoilers, I recommend not reading any more. ::END::
It's been a month and I've finally fully emotionally processed the end of "Community." Yes, the Annie and Jeff story line was resolved. No, it's not the happy ending you'd expect, but it's the happy ending that seems the most realistic. It was satisfying, in a way, because the ultimate question was answered and that is - were the writer's just playing with our emotions? Was this just a fun side story for them to poke at once in a while for jokes? No, my friends, it wasn't and they weren't. It was real. And, much like life, we just have to accept that it's closure even though it doesn't fully feel like it.
The infuriating thing about Annie and Jeff's relationship is the attraction is made obvious about mid-way through Season 1. This happens in many shows and it's a common trope that often precludes the demise of a show - i.e., if the two characters get together, you kill the sexual tension that keeps the audience watching. Rarely is there a story-relevant purpose for keeping the characters apart other than this. However, as we've discussed, "Community" is all about Jeff's psychological evolution from being a self-centered loner who fears intimacy to being a (somewhat) healthy individual with a network of close friends. His choice not to pursue Annie is, ironically, the most unselfish thing he does on the show. From the beginning, Jeff's penchant of hitting on women with no consideration of the consequences is apparent. But after their kiss in the Season 1 finale, he puts Annie in a box labeled "Do Not Touch" and it's not always clear why. Yes, the age thing is an issue but it gets considerably less cringy as the show goes on. And, as we get to know Jeff, we realize that age wouldn't have been an issue for him if he didn't have genuine feelings for Annie. And we know it's not the friend thing, because he has no problem having sex with Britta and then going back to their same dynamic the rest of the time. In fact, their ability to just end their sexual relationship without either of them having lingering feelings demonstrates how little emotional connection they have. Meanwhile, a kiss with Annie - a supposedly meaningless kiss to win a debate competition - throws his inner world into chaos for the next 5 seasons (although he's good at hiding it). Ironically, his attempts to not accept and deal with his feelings is what makes the situation even harder for him, whereas Annie's ability to accept how she feels and surrender her attachment to the outcome - a common subplot for her in several episodes - is what allows her to move on.
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'till the moment I'm gone
"Gravity" is featured in one of the final episodes of Season 2, when Britta and Jeff's friends-with-benefits situation is revealed to the rest of the group. To understand this, let's revisit the final episodes of Season 1 - during the chaos of a heated paintball battle, Jeff and Britta have sex. Then, during the final dance of the school year, Britta announces that she loves Jeff in front of everyone, which leads the teacher who recently dumped him to also declare her love for him. This leaves Jeff in a pretty awkward situation - caught between two women who supposedly "love" him asking for him to make a choice in front of the entire school. Jeff walks out and runs into Annie, who has decided she is not going to move away with her boyfriend after all, because she doesn't want to leave her life and friends at Greendale behind yet. This results in Jeff and Annie sharing a passionate kiss - and that's how the season finale ends. When they both return to school the next year, he tells her it didn't mean anything. Fast forward to the end of Season 2, after learning about Jeff and Britta, she asks, "What about us?" Jeff is understandably confused, which leads to a montage of tender moments between the two of them set to "Gravity." The connection is palpable but Jeff says you can do the same thing with any two characters (Abed and Pierce is the example). Since "Community" uses TV tropes to tell stories, the show does another montage - and it sort of works but is mostly ridiculous, which underscores the level of denial Jeff is in. This denial continues throughout the next few seasons and we almost believe it most of the time. In fact, Annie is the one who comes off a little bit childish and delusional at times. After some growing up and uncomfortable situations, Annie comes to the conclusion maybe she was just imagining that Jeff had romantic feelings for her and gradually begins to move on with her life.
You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love
And not feel your reign
This triggers a minor mental breakdown for Jeff. In one episode towards the end of the series, he ends up in the hospital after drinking almost a whole bottle of whiskey on his 40th birthday. To be honest the last few seasons are a lot more serious and thought-provoking, with less of the ridiculous antics that "Community" was initially known for. This was a natural evolution of character development on a show whose initial premise - a group of random strangers forming a study group at a community college - became less realistic as the characters grew older. Some had a somewhat logical path to staying in that environment - Jeff starts teaching pre-law basics after he graduates. Others had a less compelling reason to stay, triggering Jeff's fear of abandonment, even though it made sense for the others to take different paths. The final episode addresses this directly. Abed, whose schtick is breaking the fourth wall and acting as if they were in a TV show ("so meta"), explains that it was inevitable the show would fall apart. The cast takes turns imagining what the next "season" would be like, assuming they all stayed. Jeff starts to panic as Abed's wisdom takes hold and reality sets in. He runs to their favorite study room and he imagines the future he actually wants - and to his surprise, it's domestic bliss with Annie. Fantasy Annie asks him if that's what he really wants and he says "yes" but then he realizes he's not sure if it's what Annie wants. In the final scene, Annie walks in on Jeff and they talk about what they want - and what they want, though vague, makes sense. Annie wants to be a grown up and Jeff wishes he had a second chance to be young. What's clear in this scene is they both still have strong feelings for each other but Jeff accepts that - even if Annie still wanted a life with Jeff - she deserves a chance to explore other possible futures. To do that, she needs to follow through with her internship at the FBI. They share one final passionate kiss before they are joined by the rest of the ensemble.
And that, my friends, is how Jeff Winger grew a heart. The lesson here is harsh. There is such a thing as true love - but sometimes the timing isn't right. And sometimes, indulging in the fantasy of "happily ever after" isn't the best thing for the two characters involved. And I must say I agree with Dan Harmon's (the show creator) assessment of how the final episode dealt with Annie and Jeff: "I'm comfortable with the realization that he's genuinely in love with her, but that's a separate thing from whether that's actually good for her." The age gap gets more palatable by the end of the series but that doesn't distract from the fact that these two characters are in completely different parts of their lives, a fact underscored by their last conversation alone. Ultimately, Annie goes on with her life but what happens next is open-ended. Since we haven't gotten the #andamovie yet, anything is possible. Maybe Annie and Jeff do end up together when she returns from her internship. Or maybe they both move on to healthy partnerships while maintaining their friendship. We might never know, but at least the ending we've been given allows both characters a path to happiness.
Set me free, leave me be I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity Here I am, and I stand So tall, just the way I'm supposed to be But you're on to me and all over me
Side tangent: While I always thought I was more of an Annie, it's become increasingly clear I also have a heavy dose of Abed in my personality, too. It's not even an equal split - I'd say, if I'm really being honest with myself, I'm about 59% Abed, 41% Annie. Lately, I'll reply the affirmative to people with the following - "Cool. Cool, cool, cool." - and I'm honestly not sure if I did that before I started watching "Community" or if that's something I picked up from the show. The fact that no one has noticed makes me think I definitely spoke like that before. One of my team member's wives thought I was blonde before meeting me - seriously, the first thing she said to me was, "Oh - I thought you were blonde, based on what [her husband] told me about you." Which makes me wonder - what the hell did he tell her about me? Probably that I'm a spaz and that my four-dollar words are peppered between "like" and "totally." I talk like Cher Horowitz in "Clueless" and I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. Also, I may have been caught one-too-many times demonstrating the "Party All the Time" dance. Once. I've been caught once....at work....and it wasn't one of my finest moments.
Anyway, on "Community," I would say Abed is probably my favorite character. He's autistic and he filters his world through the lens of a filmmaker and he relates a lot of the situations to things he's seen in TV shows and movies in order to make sense of his world. And, although I'm not autistic, I deeply understand and appreciate the value of that perspective, because it's one I share with Abed. It's one of the reasons I love hearing about other people's experiences and I believe you can learn a lot about a person through the films, shows, books, and music they choose to consume - and more importantly, the "why" behind their choices. And although movies, TV shows, and novels are fiction, they are loosely based on real human experiences. Maybe someone hasn't had the exact same experience as portrayed in a story, but it's close enough that they can find meaning and learn something about their own lives and behaviors as a result. Or, at least, this is the goal of good storytelling and - through extension - good acting. I have always believed that acting is the Art of Being Human and, in order to be a great actor, you have to be a highly empathetic person. I think the same thing is true of being a great writer. Both actors and writers have to imagine what it's like to be other people, even if those other people are completely different from them. And if you're able to imagine how other people are thinking and feeling, you're able to show compassion on a deeper level - both for others and yourself. This is also why diverse representation is important in media - seeing how others backgrounds influence their behavior gives the reader/viewer an opportunity to emphathize and understand another's perspective. It is through processing his life through his understanding of pop culture that Abed is able to grow as an individual and develop intimate connections that might've been otherwise hindered due to being non-neurotypical. It's important to know he doesn't always get it right but in those instances where he gets it wrong, he has a support network of compassionate people who are willing to guide him in the right direction. Not everyone has that and we know that makes a world of difference when people are navigating their life.
I know this has been a long post but apparently, I'm just throwing up on a blank screen now. It may surprise you to know this isn't even a fraction of the things I've been pondering lately - but I'm saving those thoughts for my next project. This song is thoughtful and, though simple and muted, evokes a pensive response. Which is why I imagine it was chosen for this episode of "Community." To me, it really embodies the 8 of Swords energy - she feels trapped but it's entirely within her power to escape the situation....if she wanted to. Just another fun idea I had - mapping the Tarot to a playlist of songs. Even typing it sounds like fire. BTW I find "Gravity" to be an excellent karaoke song - we have the same range and similar vocal quality and style, so I can usually sing Sara Bareilles songs fairly decent. She has what we would call a "straight" singing voice, which means she doesn't have a natural vibrato when she sings. It works well for most Big Band and Broadway musical styles. A vibrato singing style tends to be more common in opera and R&B. Most pop singers don't really develop a vibrato but for those that do, it gives a unique quality to their music. I'm just rambling now so, please, enjoy the video below for "Gravity."
"Love Ridden" is my favorite Fiona Apple song. I haven't been listening to it a lot because it makes me sad but it's easily one of her most beautiful ballads. It's also one of the most heartbreaking. I've flirted with the idea of learning the piano accompaniment. As a party trick, something I can perform on a whim. I don't have much more to say about this song, except I wanted to share it today. Because I felt like writing something but I didn't know what. And the lyrics speak for themselves.
I looked into Fiona's chart, just to understand how her placements might contribute to her speaking to me on the level that they do. She has a lot of amazing placements in her chart. Moon in Virgo, which can sometimes be a difficult placement. It can translate into a strong desire to feel needed in relationships. With Venus in Leo, this is coupled with a strong desire to be wanted in a relationship and associating being wanted with getting a lot of attention. This is evident from the lyrics in "Love Ridden" - when faced with a situation where she feels increasingly unloved and unwanted, she'd rather distance herself than confront it head on. This is a very Virgo thing - they never want to be a burden and, oftentimes, they believe asking for what they need to feel loved is burdensome to others. In fact, they'd think of accepting the end of the relationship, even if it isn't what they want, as setting the other person free. Besides having a Virgo stellium and a very prominent Leo placement, she has an interesting play on essential dignities. Her Jupiter is Exalted in Cancer but her Mars is in Fall in Cancer. Let's talk about how that works out.
Love ridden, I've looked at you
With the focus I gave to my birthday candles
I've wished on the lidded blue flames...
Under your brow
And baby, I wished for you!
Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed
And I wanna...
Crawl in with you
But I cry instead
I want your warmth, but it will only make me colder
When it's over
So I can't tonight, baby!
Mars is the planet of war, fury, and passion and it actually holds domicile in another water sign, Scorpio. But where Scorpio revels in vengeance, Cancer sees it as dangerous and selfish. Where Scorpio translates "passion" in sexual terms, Cancer is more romantic in the approach (a very Venusian perspective). When a planet is in its Fall, it is at a severe disadvantage. For Mars, that often means that Martian themes are repressed and often redirected inwards. Mars in Cancer is very much like the cast members at Disneyworld. As much as they'd like to punch that rude parent in the face and tell them to go fuck themselves, they'll most likely put on a fake smile and say "Have a magical day!" instead. (My little sister said that if I a cast member says that, they're telling you to fuck off. She has a ton of amazing yet surreal stories like this from her stint as a corporate prisoner at Disneyworld.) When angry, a person with Mars in Cancer might pout and sulk about a grievance when what they'd really like to do is toss your phone across the room. Or take a sledgehammer to your computer. Or just strangle you a little bit. Or fuck you until you're too sore to move. Or maybe they'd combine the latter two, because some people are into that, especially when they're insanely repressed. I'm sure there's a whole book on the astrology of sexual kinks that I have yet to discover (and will probably Google after I finish writing). But you can't write this placement off as being a coward because they have no issue standing up and fighting for others. It's advocating for themselves - speaking for their own needs, their own desires, their own boundaries - that becomes difficult. Mostly out of fear of harming or burdening others. Anger might be focused inwardly, as it is the only acceptable place for it to go. As a result, this can be a very self-destructive placement. If you listen to Fiona's songs, they all have this super chill vibe but the actual lyrics are often expressing anger or disappointment, at both the people she loves and at herself.
Conversely, Jupiter is Exalted in Cancer. A planet in exaltation is like a person who is on vacation - their inhibitions are lifted and they are open to new experiences. For a planet like Jupiter, it heightens its expansiveness, good fortune, and focus on big ideas. Where her Moon in Virgo might manifest as a person who is emotionally inhibited, Jupiter in Cancer eases that hesitation to be more emotionally honest. I also have a feeling that this placement manifests as someone who believes in True Love without question - open to the idea of soulmates and the hope of a perfect match. They can handle matters of the heart without issue and can be relied on to provide sound relationship advice, especially when it comes to disappoint in love. This is also considered to be an extremely lucky placement - for example, Taylor Swift becoming an iconic musical artist (and one of the wealthiest) before she even got close to turning 30. Or like Jennifer Lawrence winning her first Oscar....when she was only 22. Or Steve Jobs becoming the poster child for tech wizardry and innovation for an entire generation. Doing research on this placement, there is an extreme number of A-list celebrities and politicians with Jupiter in Cancer. However, I did note that several died young and usually at the height of their career (e.g., Kurt Cobain, Heath Ledger, James Dean), so it sounds like it can be a double-edged sword. Much like Icarus flying too close to the Sun.
No! Not "baby" anymore!
If I need you I'll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, we'll only have to wave
My hand won't hold you down, no more!
The path is...
Clear to follow through
I stood too long in the way of the door!
And now, I'm giving up on...
You!
Finally, I wanted to note that Fiona Apple has natal Mercury Retrograde in Virgo. I know what you're thinking - Oh no! Not Mercury Retrograde! As someone who also has a natal Mercury Retrograde (in Cancer), there's a lot of good things about this placement. It is often said that this placement can manifest as difficulty in being understood. But that is par for the course - misunderstanding can be expected when you simply see the world differently from others. Though Mercury Retrograde natives may have problems with communication and being misunderstood early in their lives, they often are considered some of the greatest communicators when they grow up. This placement bestows a way of explaining things that helps others see things in a different light. They are often seen as great connectors, bringing together people who feel like outsiders in some way. They often have a keen (albeit dark) sense of humor and can see the bright side in generally shitty situations. They tend to be able to put difficult emotions into words others can understand and connect to. And they often become advocates for those who aren't able to speak for themselves. Some Mercury Retrograde natives include Angelina Jolie (in Gemini), Lady Gaga (in Pisces), and Monica Lewinsky (in Cancer).
Guess this was my roundabout way of saying Mercury is about to go Retrograde in Cancer this Thursday. Get ready to feel all the feels - because this summer is going to be a long one. I can tell already.
I started drafting a rant for another song but then the sheer amount of stuff I need to do between today and tomorrow became real for me all of a sudden. I just baked approximately 50 cupcakes that will need to be frosted at some point, my backseat is filled with sticks we spray-painted silver (it's best not to ask), I haven't packed yet for our hotel stay, and when I get to the hotel tomorrow morning, there's 250+ balloons waiting to be blown up. Oh Joy. More Gemini Rising bullshit. My advice - don't do this to yourself. I'm a highly seasoned professional with years of experience volunteering to do labor-intensive nonsense for fun and profit. Just kidding - I've never profited from this stuff, not by any reasonable measure. I should probably remedy that, somehow. Suffice it to say, there won't be a post tomorrow. But Sunday's rant will hopefully be better because I won't be feeling rushed or stressed over party planning shenanigans. For the last month, I've seriously considered putting up the following sign:
I still might put it up - pot luck season isn't over yet.
Step out into the Indian dust
I can feel the cracks in my spirit
They're starting to bust
Drive by your house, nobody's home
I'm trying to tell myself that I'm better off alone
All of my friends say I should move on
She's just another girl, don't let her stick it to your heart so hard
And all of my friends say it wasn't meant to be
And it's a great big world, she's just another girl
YouTube has been pushing the music video for this song a lot lately. Because the algorithm knows my comfort zone....which is apparently early 2010s indie alternative rock. Predictable. But they got me, so clearly it's accurate. I liked it so it's been added to the appropriate playlists and I am sharing it today. It's about the stereotypical words of encouragement people say when your heart's broken that aren't as helpful as they think they are. After only having heard this song like last week, I already have a theory for the video. In the video, there's a pretty blonde girl who is lip-synching the lyrics. I think she was in "Glee" but I'm not sure because I was never into that show (which is weird, because I was all about choir in high school). I'm pretty sure the blonde is supposed to be the girl in question. Essentially, she's pretending to be the lead singer (by wearing his clothes and doing the things he'd normally be doing) because she took a part of him with her. Or maybe it means he doesn't believe she is "just another girl" because he feels she was the mirror image of himself - his metaphorical other half. Or maybe it was just a good reason to put Dianna Agron (I looked her up) in a bunch of awesome outfits. And her hair is amazing in the video - I'm not sure I could pull it off. I think I'd have to get bangs and I'd rather not. Fun fact: Dianna Agron's brother actually is named Jason so the song could be about her (but I suspect it's just a common name he picked to protect the innocent - the names in songs hardly ever point directly to an actual person). And after watching the video a few times, the replication of the looks from other Killers' music videos is made very intentional. Anyway, at the end of the video, Agron just walks away and she's not really part of the final scene. The lead singer is back to being himself, which makes me think that maybe she's not just another girl because she (or rather, the heartbreak she caused) inspired him to channel his intensity into his music. Everyone needs a muse.
There was a tweet I read a while back that asserted that "You can think Selena Gomez's music is terrible and think 'Love You Like a Love Song' is the greatest song in the history of mankind. People like us exist!" I found it funny because that song is legitimately manufactured and awful yet hyper-catchy and captures a feeling that we've all gone through at some point. I do not fully agree with the tweet because I don't think Selena Gomez's music is completely terrible, even the early stuff. Lately, it's gotten considerably better, which is why I think she's one of the few people who has made the successful switch from Disney start to pop idol. The artists who have longevity are the ones who can consistently transform themselves and still retain the je ne sais quoi which brought them public attention in the first place. It's harder than it sounds, especially when you're not fully in control of the music you're producing.
Recently, she dropped two new singles - (not so) coincidentally, they were released on the first day of Scorpio season. Personally, I think this was intentional because both songs were about the transformation she had to go through to get over Justin Bieber and Scorpio is the sign of transformation and rebirth. Celebrities have been a lot more open about their interest in spirituality, including more woo-woo aspects of the New Age, and astrology in particular has gained a lot of traction in the past year. As much as I like to think I'm a trendsetter, I'm honestly just riding the wave and not resisting what I'm being called towards. The first single, "Lose You to Love Me," was a personal ballad about how she felt so low after their breakup. How she felt she deserved the poor treatment, how she let herself forget her purpose. Really hard, deep stuff that I'm sure isn't easy for anyone to face. And she kept taking him back, because her self-esteem was so broken, she didn't think she deserved better. The second single, "Look at Her Now," is a dance song that celebrates how she's thriving after the train crash of her and Justin's relationship. She mentions that she "dodged a bullet," which she might have. Ironically, Justin Bieber and his wife have been on the defensive, saying Gomez put out these songs specifically to hurt Justin. Hailey Bieber has told reporters that he's "distraught" and Gomez is being cruel by airing out their dirty laundry. But it's art. And he clearly didn't care how much he hurt her when it was happening, so why should she censor the truth about the pain she went through just to make him more comfortable? That's not a man, that's a boy, which is why his mama (oops...wife) is speaking on his behalf. And that's about the extent I'll get into celebrity drama for today.
Obviously, based on her recent power moves, Selena Gomez is now genuinely starting to get over Justin Bieber. However, "Back to You" came out in 2018, after their most recent break up. The song is bittersweet - the melody is fairly upbeat but the lyrics are tinged with a sadness only wisdom can bring about. The message in the song is simple - their relationship wasn't great, it may have even been a mistake, but it's a mistake she would make again in a heartbeat. Every time. That's it. That's the song.
We never got it right
Playing and replaying old conversations
Overthinking every word and I hate it
'Cause it's not me ('cause it's not me)
And what's the point in hiding?
Everybody knows we got unfinished business
And I'll regret it if I didn't say
This isn't what it could be (isn't what it could be)
Let's talk about the video. I'm a Francophile in the worst way, which means I've watched way too many French movies. Most of which were made in the 1960s. Lucky for me, that's the whole aesthetic of this video. Complete with subtitles that don't exactly match the words they're speaking. It has it all - the camera shots filtered through colored light, the chic clothes, the nonsensical meet-cute that spurs the whole video into action. The lyrics of "Back to You" bring to mind a classic Jean-Luc Godard film, "Breathless," in which Jean-Paul Belmondo plays a petty thug whose reckless actions bring about his demise. Throughout the film, he turns to a naive, American love interest, Patricia (played by Jean Seberg), who he doesn't treat all that well but who seems to love him - but she betrays him, partially as a test for herself to see if she really does love him. Belmondo's character has a specific quirk where, when he's thinking, he runs his thumb across his bottom lip. At the end of the movie, as Michel dies, Patricia replicates this same quirk as she speaks the last line in the movie. I've interpreted this as, having fallen in love with this scoundrel, she has taken on some of his traits and, in a way, a part of him will always be with her. In a way, their attraction is ill-fated - they are both enamored with a romanticized image of the gangster lifestyle, which ultimately leads to the tragic end of their relationship (and Michel's life).
In more light-hearted version of this same plot, the "Back to You" video shows Selena and a Bieber doppelganger meet at a party and she proposes stealing a car. It's all fun and games until there's real consequences involved. That's when the conflict starts. It escalates until he screams at her - "You're too passionate!" And, dear friends, if anyone calls you "too" anything, that's a bad sign. Especially if they say you're "too much" - that just means they're used to not getting much and they're afraid/anxious of not being to reciprocate that. At this point, Selena announces she's going back to the party. Back to the moment when they met. And what does she do? She does it all over again.
Chaos theory hinges on tiny, seemingly insignificant events cascading into each other randomly in order to produce each moment. In a way, it makes the way things are unavoidable. In order to get to this moment - this moment right now - everything had to go a specific way. Otherwise, this moment would be different. Our reality would be different. I try not to think about the "what ifs" because they don't really exist. Right now, those possibilities are dead. I will never be this old or this young ever again. I can't go back and change my major in college. Or where I went to college or even where I was on a particular day. What I can change is how I color those decisions - were they mistakes? Or were they just the best choice available to me based on the information I had at the time? The thing to embrace about this song is she doesn't assert that her feelings are wrong - she just says this is how she feels right now. That's just how it is and she can't help it. She has a lot of compassion for herself in this song and I can image her writing in her journal, one night after it's all over for the umpteenth time, spilling all these thoughts onto a page. I feel [blank] [blank] [blank] (I imagine she says "I feel" a lot because, like me, Selena is a Cancer). No judgement. And thus ends a rather lengthy rant that went in every direction all at once and back again.
Another one of my son's favorite songs. Probably shouldn't be - this song does not reflect the healthiest of lifestyles. I think he likes the "ooh" parts and, to be honest, so do I. They're fun to sing. As you can gather from the lyrics, Tove Lo wrote this after a bad breakup. She went into a downward spiral and developed some self-destructive habits. Chief among these was excessive alcohol and drug use, hence the subtitle "Stay High." However, the song lyrics and the video are more reflective of someone who turns to promiscuity to get over their past relationship. It's the whole idea that "the fastest way to get over someone is to get under someone else," which is some Libra bullshit if I've ever heard it. Our brains and definitely our hearts don't work like that, no matter how hard we want to believe it. In case you're wondering (because, yes, I did look it up as research), Tove Lo is a Scorpio (she has a tattoo on her shoulder to prove it....such a fucking Scorpio thing to do) and, although she does have her Mars in Libra, her Venus is in Scorpio. She ain't getting over anybody if she believes they are her soul mate, no matter how many people she fucks (but it sounds like she tried her hardest....respect). The lyrics also touch on the numbness people might feel after "shadow" losses - it's like there's nothing to look forward to anymore. You're not surprised or excited about anything, but you're not disappointed about anything either. Life is just....meh. And, strangely enough, that's even more exhausting than being on an emotional roller coaster.
The video is disorienting and it's meant to be. Most of the video's perspective is shot as a close-up of Tove Lo going about her business of partying hard and lip syncing to the song. To film, she wore the camera strapped to her waist during the entire shoot. It was draining but having to carry the weight around brought into stark focus the pain she was holding onto from the experience that inspired the song. Her reactions and emotions are very real - when she breaks down in tears, that's not acting. Keep an eye on the guy with the hand tattoos, because he's critical to my understanding of the video. I had seen this video at least a couple dozen times before something clicked in my head and I fully comprehended the message the director was trying to get across. At the time, I felt really proud of myself and also really stupid, because I should've seen it earlier.
I eat my dinner in my bathtub, then I go to sex clubs
Watchin' freaky people gettin' it on
It doesn't make me nervous if anything, I'm restless
Yeah, I've been around and I've seen it all
I get home, I got the munchies, binge on all my Twinkies
Throw up in the tub then I go to sleep
And I drank up all my money, dazed and kinda lonely
Essentially, the plot of the video is Tove Lo partying all day, every day, in order to get over the person she's singing about. It seems like she's having fun in the beginning but by the end, it's clear she's not having fun at all. I believe Hand-Tattoo Guy represents the person she's trying to get over. The viewer is made to assume that he's actually there and he's one of the friends she goes out to party with. I posit that he is a figment of her imagination - even though he's not really there, he's always there because she can't get him off her mind. If you watch really carefully, there are shots where Hand-Tattoo Guy is doing something before a cut-away and when they return to the scene, it's someone else performing that action. He's like a ghost, just fading away into the shadows. Tormenting her with his elusive omnipresence. I understand how that feels - it almost makes it feel better to pretend the person is there....until that crushing moment of lucidity when you realize they aren't. Maybe this is projection (and perhaps I'm admitting a little bit too much of my crazy), but there are moments I find myself imagining someone else is there when I'm doing stuff by myself. Mundane things - like when I'm driving in the car or cooking dinner. Or having conversations with people in my head, conversations I'll probably never have because I'm so much more witty in my imagination. Occasionally, these conversations are with people I've never met or who I know I will probably never see in this life ever again. It's a way of organizing my thoughts, in order to put them in a way others will understand, because my mind tends to move faster than my mouth sometimes. It helps to have a rant prepared and in your pocket. You know....for special occasions. These blog posts often begin as imaginary conversations and I'd like to think they read better for it.
In hindsight, Tove Lo realizes the things she did to heal from this relationship - alcohol, drugs, sex - were counterproductive. Anyone with a couple decades of life experience can tell the lyrics do not describe a healthy way to deal with a situation but we've all done it at some point. Excessive drinking, party hopping because we don't want the night to end, exercising until we drop from exhaustion, burning ourselves with lighters, hopping in taxi cabs with strangers we've only known for 2 hours - the list of self-destructive tendencies is endless and, in the end, they're never satisfying. So, the question we're faced with is this - how do we heal when we've made a promise to ourselves not to be self-destructive anymore? That's the hard part. The self-destructive shit is easy - it's the comfortable way to deal, which is why we resort to that first. But those habits are just a distraction. Eventually - when the distractions stop working and aren't fun anymore - you have to take a good, long look in the mirror and accept you can't run from your feelings. And you can't change what happened. You can only change yourself. Sometimes, this means therapy (especially when addiction is involved). It always means shadow work of some kind, followed by extensive goal-setting and promise-making. And a lot of time spent finding out who you are when you're alone. This is where the magic happens, because in this space, there's a need to channel your emotions somewhere. Often, this results in the creation of something beautiful - a painting, a song, a story, a business. Something to help transmute whatever you were feeling into something enjoyable.
I'm going to keep it short for today. My trip for the holidays simultaneously wore me out and fucked up my whole plan for this month. I did have a lot more songs for this month planned out but between getting ready to travel, actually travelling, and trying to spend time with my family, I didn't get in as much writing and ranting as I would've hoped. Which is maybe a good thing. I do feel a bit rejuvenated, which means I will not be putting up with anybody's shit in 2019 - well, at least not for the first few weeks. As a result, you may have noticed I focused more on new releases for 2018 instead of just ranting about a bunch of my favorite songs (although there were a few of those thrown in). Overall, I think that was a good compromise and you'll get to hear/learn about those other songs sometime in the future.
"Youngblood" was my favorite Song of the Summer that came out in 2018. It kind of just hit like a meteor in the US, because it became 5SOS first Number 1 single on the Top 40 and it stayed at the top for over a month, which is impressive for any song, especially considering the amount of really great music that has been released lately.
Lately our conversations end like it's the last goodbye
Yeah, one of us gets too drunk and calls about a hundred times
So who you been calling, baby, nobody could take my place
When you're looking at those strangers, hope to God you see my face
5SOS has said that "Youngblood" is about the push/pull of a relationship or maybe of a relationship that the singer never quite got right. Because it's pretty clear it's over, if she's seeing other people. Or it's an on-again/off-again relationship, where they just can't let go of each other but they can't make it work either. They just keep going in this circle when really they either need to move on or actually make a commitment to be together instead of playing games. The whole song reeks of being exhausted with the whole cycle. Whether he's going after her or pushing her away, he feels like a dead man. But he needs it "all of the time." I've needed things all of the time - eventually, you just learn to live without it because you have no other choice. Especially if whatever "it" is - and in "Youngblood's" case, it's a person's love - isn't willing to be given, you can't force it. In my honest opinion, he should delete this girl out of his phone, out of his life. If he can't do that, well -- he's fucked. I don't know what to tell you. I guess he could be honest and tell her how he feels and if she's a grown up, she'll be honest too and they'll figure it out together. Or, if she is in fact a "youngblood" who can't deal with icky emotions and the realization that she's actually causing this guy a lot of pain because she's doing whatever she wants and stomping all over his heart in the process, she'll cut him out completely. Which will hurt - immensely for at least the first few weeks - but it's in both their best interests. And that was your weekly dose of Love Advice with Dr. Jess. Next week, we'll explore how to bring up polyamory in your currently monogamous relationships without a horrendous fight.
Happy Yule, my friends! For the Winter Solstice, I picked a song that explores some personal darkness. In pagan traditions, from Samhain to Yule, the focus is usually on introspection and self-awareness. In modern witchcraft, we focus a lot on shadow work as a means of enhancing our magical practice. You may have heard me mention shadow work a few times. For those of you who aren't practicing pagans/witches and/or don't have a degree in Psychology, the shadow is a concept introduced by Carl Jung, which represents all the dark/unpleasant parts of our personality that we generally try to repress or hide. Shadow work involves exploring the shadow, with a heavy emphasis on confronting our demons and becoming comfortable with expressing those parts of ourselves in a psychologically healthy manner. For example, if you drink a lot and do things you regret while under the influence, you might explore why you're drinking or why you feel like you have to drink in certain situations. Or perhaps you get irrationally angry or depressed when people bring up certain topics, you would try to understand why you have such a strong emotional reaction. This understanding is supposed to make these situations easier to handle and - in cases that involve addiction and self-destructive tendencies - be able to cope without to resorting to these things. The Alcoholics Anonymous 12 steps was influenced by Jung's theory, but even non-structured shadow work can be a helpful way to get through a lot of difficult life circumstances - eating disorders, divorce, death, job transitions - really any major changes that can affect your psychological stability.
Now that we know what shadow work is, we can discuss how to do it. It's actually pretty simple stuff.
Watch your emotional reactions and pay attention to what triggers really strong negative feelings. A lot of the time, we get angry at someone and then we realize that's something you also do. By recognizing and understanding this, we grow compassion for others and for ourselves.
Engage in an inner dialogue. This is especially important when you've hurt others. You need to step back and ask yourself, "Why did I do or say that?" When you understand your reasoning, defensiveness drops away. This allows you to be more genuine in your apologies and repair relationships more effectively. Being able to acknowledge that you were wrong and taking responsibility for the things you've done is very important if you want relationships to work. It's also important after a relationship has ended, so you can move on and not make the same mistakes.
Make peace with the "bad" parts of yourself. You don't have to be "good" all the time. Usually, what we consider as "good" is just what society has deemed as acceptable. But that doesn't mean the rest is bad. It's okay to be lazy sometimes. It's okay to be undisciplined or flakey or uncommunicative. Become comfortable with that. I think this is probably the hardest part for most people. We spend so much time trying to be perfect. But we're imperfect. And all this striving for perfect makes us forget to appreciate the good in things, because they weren't "just right" or didn't go as planned.
There are many methods to do the above things. You can journal (I personally do a lot of journaling). You can meditate. You can create something (which is where I'm going with this rant). You can do something that you're scared to do. But, no matter what you do, you have to make sure that you're cultivating self-compassion and self-awareness. You're not bashing on yourself - quite the opposite. You're actually just giving yourself the time to process your emotions and thoughts that no one else was willing to give you. And ensure that you're honest with yourself. I know there's illusions we want to cling to because it's safer, it makes us feel better - but, trust me, living in that false reality doesn't serve your highest self. Finally, after shadow work, make sure you engage in self-care. Get an ice cream or a massage or chill on the couch and watch your favorite movie (even though it makes you cry like a baby....no, fuck it - ESPECIALLY if it makes you cry like a baby).
Loving you was young, and wild, and free
Loving you was cool, and hot, and sweet
Loving you was sunshine, safe and sound
A steady place to let down my defenses
But loving you had consequences
This rant is already pretty long but I did want to address why I love this song. This is the third single from Camila Cabello's debut album, which was released at the end of October. Usually, with pop music, music executives want singles to be upbeat and catchy, but I think they got it right with "Consequences." It's incredibly vulnerable and emotionally charged, but with a softness that can only evolve from self-reflection. Cabello has said this was based on a past relationship. Based on the lyrics, I'm guessing he was an alcoholic and she tried to hold on but she was drowning. I'm listening to the rest of her album right now and it sounds like a lot of it was born out of this relationship. I know a lot of people think that pop music is vapid and shallow - and that was very true a few years ago. But I think we've gotten to a good place, where pop music has a lot of depth. You're also seeing a trend in pop artists writing their own lyrics (with a little help from professional song-writers and collaborators), so we are - in fact! - listening to their shadow work, listening to them process their emotions and inner turmoil through music. And that's all art is, essentially - someone felt an emotion really strongly that they had to create something from it. They either had to write a book or a song, they had to dance or paint, they had to fucking do something! Something to keep them from exploding from the pain or the happiness. Creation comes naturally when you're not holding stuff inside, when you're not repressing parts of yourself that make you unique.
Just a few notes on the video - Camila Cabello and Dylan Sprouse (of "The Suite Life of Zack and Cody" fame) reenact scenes from an old relationship. They're supposed to be memories, so all their scenes have them covered in a gold haze, which makes them both look like angels, even during the not-so-pleasant parts of their relationship. While those scenes are going on, Camila is walking through a park alone, looking super sad. But you can tell that she doesn't blame him for anything - honestly, even from the lyrics in the song, I think she's putting way too much blame on herself. But some things we can't control. That's the big lesson of shadow work - some things are out of our control and the only thing we can do in that case is handle the situation with dignity and compassion.
Alright....I'm seriously done ranting now. Enjoy the video!
