"Gravity" by Sara Bareilles

 ::WARNING:: There are spoilers to the end of "Community" in this post. And a lot of spoilers to other parts of the show, for explanatory purposes. I know the show ended in like 2012 but I'm sure there are plenty of people - like myself - who weren't able to finish the show until it popped up on Netflix at the beginning of quarantine. If you don't like spoilers, I recommend not reading any more. ::END::

It's been a month and I've finally fully emotionally processed the end of "Community." Yes, the Annie and Jeff story line was resolved. No, it's not the happy ending you'd expect, but it's the happy ending that seems the most realistic. It was satisfying, in a way, because the ultimate question was answered and that is - were the writer's just playing with our emotions? Was this just a fun side story for them to poke at once in a while for jokes? No, my friends, it wasn't and they weren't. It was real. And, much like life, we just have to accept that it's closure even though it doesn't fully feel like it.

The infuriating thing about Annie and Jeff's relationship is the attraction is made obvious about mid-way through Season 1. This happens in many shows and it's a common trope that often precludes the demise of a show - i.e., if the two characters get together, you kill the sexual tension that keeps the audience watching. Rarely is there a story-relevant purpose for keeping the characters apart other than this. However, as we've discussed, "Community" is all about Jeff's psychological evolution from being a self-centered loner who fears intimacy to being a (somewhat) healthy individual with a network of close friends. His choice not to pursue Annie is, ironically, the most unselfish thing he does on the show. From the beginning, Jeff's penchant of hitting on women with no consideration of the consequences is apparent. But after their kiss in the Season 1 finale, he puts Annie in a box labeled "Do Not Touch" and it's not always clear why. Yes, the age thing is an issue but it gets considerably less cringy as the show goes on. And, as we get to know Jeff, we realize that age wouldn't have been an issue for him if he didn't have genuine feelings for Annie. And we know it's not the friend thing, because he has no problem having sex with Britta and then going back to their same dynamic the rest of the time. In fact, their ability to just end their sexual relationship without either of them having lingering feelings demonstrates how little emotional connection they have. Meanwhile, a kiss with Annie - a supposedly meaningless kiss to win a debate competition - throws his inner world into chaos for the next 5 seasons (although he's good at hiding it). Ironically, his attempts to not accept and deal with his feelings is what makes the situation even harder for him, whereas Annie's ability to accept how she feels and surrender her attachment to the outcome - a common subplot for her in several episodes - is what allows her to move on.

Something always brings me back to you

It never takes too long

No matter what I say or do

I'll still feel you here 'till the moment I'm gone

"Gravity" is featured in one of the final episodes of Season 2, when Britta and Jeff's friends-with-benefits situation is revealed to the rest of the group. To understand this, let's revisit the final episodes of Season 1 - during the chaos of a heated paintball battle, Jeff and Britta have sex. Then, during the final dance of the school year, Britta announces that she loves Jeff in front of everyone, which leads the teacher who recently dumped him to also declare her love for him. This leaves Jeff in a pretty awkward situation - caught between two women who supposedly "love" him asking for him to make a choice in front of the entire school. Jeff walks out and runs into Annie, who has decided she is not going to move away with her boyfriend after all, because she doesn't want to leave her life and friends at Greendale behind yet. This results in Jeff and Annie sharing a passionate kiss - and that's how the season finale ends. When they both return to school the next year, he tells her it didn't mean anything. Fast forward to the end of Season 2, after learning about Jeff and Britta, she asks, "What about us?" Jeff is understandably confused, which leads to a montage of tender moments between the two of them set to "Gravity." The connection is palpable but Jeff says you can do the same thing with any two characters (Abed and Pierce is the example). Since "Community" uses TV tropes to tell stories, the show does another montage - and it sort of works but is mostly ridiculous, which underscores the level of denial Jeff is in. This denial continues throughout the next few seasons and we almost believe it most of the time. In fact, Annie is the one who comes off a little bit childish and delusional at times. After some growing up and uncomfortable situations, Annie comes to the conclusion maybe she was just imagining that Jeff had romantic feelings for her and gradually begins to move on with her life.

You hold me without touch

You keep me without chains

I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love

And not feel your reign

This triggers a minor mental breakdown for Jeff. In one episode towards the end of the series, he ends up in the hospital after drinking almost a whole bottle of whiskey on his 40th birthday. To be honest the last few seasons are a lot more serious and thought-provoking, with less of the ridiculous antics that "Community" was initially known for. This was a natural evolution of character development on a show whose initial premise - a group of random strangers forming a study group at a community college - became less realistic as the characters grew older. Some had a somewhat logical path to staying in that environment - Jeff starts teaching pre-law basics after he graduates. Others had a less compelling reason to stay, triggering Jeff's fear of abandonment, even though it made sense for the others to take different paths. The final episode addresses this directly. Abed, whose schtick is breaking the fourth wall and acting as if they were in a TV show ("so meta"), explains that it was inevitable the show would fall apart. The cast takes turns imagining what the next "season" would be like, assuming they all stayed. Jeff starts to panic as Abed's wisdom takes hold and reality sets in. He runs to their favorite study room and he imagines the future he actually wants - and to his surprise, it's domestic bliss with Annie. Fantasy Annie asks him if that's what he really wants and he says "yes" but then he realizes he's not sure if it's what Annie wants. In the final scene, Annie walks in on Jeff and they talk about what they want - and what they want, though vague, makes sense. Annie wants to be a grown up and Jeff wishes he had a second chance to be young. What's clear in this scene is they both still have strong feelings for each other but Jeff accepts that - even if Annie still wanted a life with Jeff - she deserves a chance to explore other possible futures. To do that, she needs to follow through with her internship at the FBI. They share one final passionate kiss before they are joined by the rest of the ensemble. 

And that, my friends, is how Jeff Winger grew a heart. The lesson here is harsh. There is such a thing as true love - but sometimes the timing isn't right. And sometimes, indulging in the fantasy of "happily ever after" isn't the best thing for the two characters involved. And I must say I agree with Dan Harmon's (the show creator) assessment of how the final episode dealt with Annie and Jeff: "I'm comfortable with the realization that he's genuinely in love with her, but that's a separate thing from whether that's actually good for her." The age gap gets more palatable by the end of the series but that doesn't distract from the fact that these two characters are in completely different parts of their lives, a fact underscored by their last conversation alone. Ultimately, Annie goes on with her life but what happens next is open-ended. Since we haven't gotten the #andamovie yet, anything is possible. Maybe Annie and Jeff do end up together when she returns from her internship. Or maybe they both move on to healthy partnerships while maintaining their friendship. We might never know, but at least the ending we've been given allows both characters a path to happiness.

Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am, and I stand
So tall, just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

Side tangent: While I always thought I was more of an Annie, it's become increasingly clear I also have a heavy dose of Abed in my personality, too. It's not even an equal split - I'd say, if I'm really being honest with myself, I'm about 59% Abed, 41% Annie. Lately, I'll reply the affirmative to people with the following - "Cool. Cool, cool, cool." - and I'm honestly not sure if I did that before I started watching "Community" or if that's something I picked up from the show. The fact that no one has noticed makes me think I definitely spoke like that before. One of my team member's wives thought I was blonde before meeting me - seriously, the first thing she said to me was, "Oh - I thought you were blonde, based on what [her husband] told me about you." Which makes me wonder - what the hell did he tell her about me? Probably that I'm a spaz and that my four-dollar words are peppered between "like" and "totally." I talk like Cher Horowitz in "Clueless" and I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. Also, I may have been caught one-too-many times demonstrating the "Party All the Time" dance. Once. I've been caught once....at work....and it wasn't one of my finest moments.

Anyway, on "Community," I would say Abed is probably my favorite character. He's autistic and he filters his world through the lens of a filmmaker and he relates a lot of the situations to things he's seen in TV shows and movies in order to make sense of his world. And, although I'm not autistic, I deeply understand and appreciate the value of that perspective, because it's one I share with Abed. It's one of the reasons I love hearing about other people's experiences and I believe you can learn a lot about a person through the films, shows, books, and music they choose to consume - and more importantly, the "why" behind their choices. And although movies, TV shows, and novels are fiction, they are loosely based on real human experiences. Maybe someone hasn't had the exact same experience as portrayed in a story, but it's close enough that they can find meaning and learn something about their own lives and behaviors as a result. Or, at least, this is the goal of good storytelling and - through extension - good acting. I have always believed that acting is the Art of Being Human and, in order to be a great actor, you have to be a highly empathetic person. I think the same thing is true of being a great writer. Both actors and writers have to imagine what it's like to be other people, even if those other people are completely different from them. And if you're able to imagine how other people are thinking and feeling, you're able to show compassion on a deeper level - both for others and yourself. This is also why diverse representation is important in media - seeing how others backgrounds influence their behavior gives the reader/viewer an opportunity to emphathize and understand another's perspective. It is through processing his life through his understanding of pop culture that Abed is able to grow as an individual and develop intimate connections that might've been otherwise hindered due to being non-neurotypical. It's important to know he doesn't always get it right but in those instances where he gets it wrong, he has a support network of compassionate people who are willing to guide him in the right direction. Not everyone has that and we know that makes a world of difference when people are navigating their life.

I know this has been a long post but apparently, I'm just throwing up on a blank screen now. It may surprise you to know this isn't even a fraction of the things I've been pondering lately - but I'm saving those thoughts for my next project. This song is thoughtful and, though simple and muted, evokes a pensive response. Which is why I imagine it was chosen for this episode of "Community." To me, it really embodies the 8 of Swords energy - she feels trapped but it's entirely within her power to escape the situation....if she wanted to. Just another fun idea I had - mapping the Tarot to a playlist of songs. Even typing it sounds like fire. BTW I find "Gravity" to be an excellent karaoke song - we have the same range and similar vocal quality and style, so I can usually sing Sara Bareilles songs fairly decent. She has what we would call a "straight" singing voice, which means she doesn't have a natural vibrato when she sings. It works well for most Big Band and Broadway musical styles. A vibrato singing style tends to be more common in opera and R&B. Most pop singers don't really develop a vibrato but for those that do, it gives a unique quality to their music. I'm just rambling now so, please, enjoy the video below for "Gravity."

"Gravity" Video

"The Joshua Tree" by U2

Ranking: #27

Original Release Date: 9 March 1987

Genre: Rock

"The Joshua Tree" is the fifth studio album released by U2. That seems to be a pattern so far with the albums on this list - it always seems to be the artist or band's fifth album that leads them to greatness. Their album prior to this one had a more experimental sound, but the band wanted to release something grittier that paid homage to their Irish roots while being influenced by American rock music at the time. The band - and Bono in particular - had a fascination with the "real" America and wanted the album to evoke the idea of America's vast landscape. The imagery for the album sleeve were artistic photographs of the American desert. Hence the title, "The Joshua Tree," a species of Yucca plant that only grows in California, Arizona, Utah, and Nevada. Having grown up in Arizona (with period visits to California), I'm quite familiar with the sight of Joshua Trees. They have a certain spiritual meaning to us desert-dwellers - they represent beauty and strength that grows out of dysfunction. People are always surprised by how much grows in the desert, how much natural beauty there is. There are plants and animals you can only see in the American Southwest, though, and I think that's one of the things that makes it special. And there's something spiritual in that special-ness - the kind of power that attracts rock bands from Ireland.

"The Joshua Tree" was release in 1987, a year I'm already quite familiar with since it's the year I was born (insert joke about it being a pretty good year here). During March 1987, one of my favorite musicals - "Les Miserables" - opened on Broadway to rave reviews. It was the "Hamilton" of its day, quite literally. John Gotti, a gangster from the Gambino crime family, was acquitted of criminal charges (including racketeering) - the first time. The FDA approved the sale of the AIDS drug, AZT. Not a month later, Freddie Mercury - Legend and Ascended Master - would be diagnosed with AIDS. The first National Coming Out Day - a now yearly celebration for the LGBT community - was organized in Washington D.C. during October, in conjunction with a National March for Gay Rights. During Wrestlemania III, Hulk Hogan won against Andre the Giant, successfully defending the heavyweight title. Later in 1987, Andre the Giant would also appear in the beloved film, "The Princess Bride." And the most popular names for newborns would be Jessica and Matthew. Yes, there were a lot of Jessicas born in 1987. And I've met approximately 50% of them - we seem to attract and then orbit each other. Like star clusters. As far as years in America go, 1987 actually was a pretty good year and March was a fairly decent month in general.

See the stone set in your eyes

See the thorn twist in your side

I'll wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate

On a bed of nails she makes me wait

And I wait, without you

Moving on to the astrology of 9 March 1987, it should be noted that the Sun was in Pisces and that's all you really need to know. This album is all about the feels, drowning in the feels, as it includes multiple iconic love ballads. In fact, this album has multiple influential water placements, including the Moon in Cancer (the sign of her rulership) and Pluto in Scorpio (the sign of his rulership). Mercury in Pisces lends a sort of dreaminess to the sound of this album, but with Jupiter in Aries, there's a powerful expansiveness in the rhythms and riffs of the songs, too. The desire and calling for independence and freedom - a theme for this album, as identified by the band - is also a strong hallmark of Jupiter in Aries, which is further enhanced by North Node in Aries. Again, we have another album with Mercury on the Midheaven (in Pisces), which seems to be a beneficial placement for music. The energy of this album is conflicting - the Trine aspect (the most harmonious) and the Square aspect (the most challenging) appear an equal number of times. Venus is also in Aquarius, a placement indicative of detached emotions and a distancing in relationships. The theme is also very prevalent in the lyrics of the aforementioned love ballads. In "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," the singer has done everything to gain the love of his person but there's still dissatisfaction. And in "With or Without You" - well, now is a good time to transition into our featured song from "The Joshua Tree."

I chose "With or Without You," not only because it's one of my favorite songs (I had planned to write about it in December but ran out of time) but it's also one of the most iconic love songs of the late 20th Century. In fact, when people hear it, I can bet it conjures to mind one couple in particular - Ross and Rachel of "Friends." For those who aren't familiar (Shame on You!), Ross and Rachel are the sitcom equivalent of star-crossed lovers. They are soulmates or, as Phoebe so eloquently put it, Ross is Rachel's lobster (because lobsters mate for life - just another thing I learned from TV!). Let's face it, their relationship is frustrating, because it's so obvious they belong with each other, even to them. But the writers always find some way to put a wrench in their plans. Throughout the course of the show, they get together multiple times and break up multiple times, but still remain friends. They also seem to decide they want to be with each other at the most inconvenient times - like right before Ross gets married to his second wife (he says Rachel's name instead of Emily's when reciting his vows). Or right after Ross leaves for China. There's a lot of unrequited (but not really unrequited, because they both feel it, they're just not saying it) energy. Ross had a crush on Rachel since high school but she didn't see him - probably because he was a dork and that's not the type of guy the Rachel Greens of the world are supposed to want. "With or Without You" became Ross & Rachel's anthem when it was played during two critical episodes of the show, when their relationship is under the most strain.

Through the storm we reach the shore

You give it all but I want more

And I'm waiting for you

With or without you

With or without you

I can't live

With or without you

Bono wrote "With or Without You" because he wanted to hear a love song that dealt with "real issues." He's said that it's about a tortuous relationship that one can't (or doesn't want to) escape. He has also said that it can represent any relationship where you love someone but can't be with them for some reason (such as distance or addictions or past hurts), which was relevant to his life. At the time he was writing it, his lifestyle as a musician kept him apart from his wife for much of the time. He was having conflicted feelings about it - on one hand, he wanted to be the responsible protector; on the other, he wanted to live the wild, exciting life of a rockstar. He eventually came to an understanding that this tension between his desires is what made him an artist and he found a balance. He learned how to integrate the shadow with the light. There have been many runs where I've pondered the deeper meaning of the lyrics, particularly the words "You give yourself away." I've come to interpret it as he sees the person he's singing to giving too much of themselves, to everyone, but especially to him. I base this assumption on a previous lyric - "You give it all but I want more." And it makes me wonder - he seems to be aware that he's taking a lot but what is he giving back? Is he able to "give it all" in return? And if he's not, is it really fair for him to want more? Deep questions, indeed. Not surprisingly, like me, Bono's Moon is in Scorpio. Additionally, the cusp of his 7th House is in Cancer. There's a lot of possessive instincts, but with his Venus and Sun in Taurus, he expects it to be one way. He needs his freedom but it scares him to give it to someone else. I have a feeling Bono would be fun to psychoanalyze - there's clearly a lot going on in that head of his.

"With or Without You" Video

"Downtown" by Majical Cloudz

I've probably mentioned this before but my favorite Major Arcana in tarot is "The Star." It comes immediately after "The Tower" and there's a reason for that. The only way to survive the Tower crumbling and falling apart is having faith that you can rebuild whatever was destroyed. Not only rebuild, but make it greater than it ever was. With that in mind, I found myself ruminating on the difference between faith and hope. I've decided that hope is more uncertain and comes with expectations. Because it comes with expectations, we're always looking for confirmation, because ultimately, hope is built on shaky foundations. We don't really believe the implausible can happen, even though we really really want it to. Faith, on the other hand, is a deep knowing that something is true - regardless of what reality presents itself as. Some may call this delusion. And, in our darkest moments, faith does feel like delusion - so much so, that most abandon it. To continue believing, in spite of everything you see, you have to keep trusting that little voice inside that keeps telling you what is true. Because faith shatters your expectations altogether. Given this, I struggle with the balance between hope and faith. I wonder which one I really have.

I've been watching "The OA," which I highly recommend. There's been a recent fight to get Netflix to make more seasons, and I can understand why. It is good. So good. However, the premise requires an open mind. It addresses those questions of faith and hope and what happens after we die. Are we more than a brain trapped within the confines of a body? In order watch "The OA" and take in the message it has to offer, you have to be able to suspend what you know and have to be willing to accept that there's so much we don't know. In fact, that's the entire concept of the show, as far as I've watched. I'm going to try not to give away too much, but the show is about a woman (who calls herself The OA) who has escaped being held prisoner and she's trying to save the people she was imprisoned with. Including a man she loves dearly. In order to save them, she has to use her knowledge of the world beyond, which she gained during a series of Near Death Experiences (NDE). But her plan requires bringing others into the fold. Others who have already been jaded by life, even though most of them are so young. And she has to make them believe.

Faith is an essential component of The Hero's Journey because, inevitably, the Hero will face a tower moment where all their beliefs, hopes, dreams, and aspirations seem impossibly out of reach. It's usually after the first big battle of their journey. They've already gone through a major transformation for the better but they go into the battle arrogant. They've let their ego run the show and for that, they've faced a major defeat. Their perception of their identity has now been completely destroyed. They are nothing and no one once again. And they must answer those uncomfortable questions that have been looming since the beginning of their journey - questions only they can answer. Am I really on the side of good? Does magic exist or is it all in my head? Is True Love even real? Was it worth leaving the comfort of home? Do I have what it takes to accomplish my mission? They have been swallowed up by the void, consumed in total darkness. In order to get out, they have to believe that there will be a light if they keep going. Even though they can't see it, they have to know it's there. And in a situation where they could literally go any direction, the truth is that the only way you can go is forward. You can't erase past - honestly, the past might as well not exist. All that matters is what the Hero chooses to do in this moment. It might take a long time but the Hero eventually takes a leap of faith (his second on the journey) and puts one foot in front of the other.

There's one thing I'll do

If it ever goes wrong

I'll write you into my all of my songs

And if suddenly I die

I hope they will say

That he was obsessed and it was okay

'Cause we're going downtown

And we feel like running around

Is it really this fun when you're on my mind

Is it really this cool to be in your life

This song accompanied the climax of "The OA's" fifth episode. This episode was especially emotionally charged, for several reasons. Over the first few episodes, a connection between The OA and another prisoner (Homer) has been building. It's a weird type of intimacy because they begin as strangers. She can't even see him in the beginning, because she's blind. They have no privacy and, just because of the situation, they are forced to be vulnerable. They can't even touch each other but they become closer than most couples. They don't owe each other anything, they haven't promised each other anything, but the unspoken understanding is there. Unfortunately, in this episode, there comes a point where Homer seemingly betrays The OA, which is what their captor wanted. To break The OA's spirit, because her strength is keeping the other prisoners going. Until this point, it seems that OA derives her hope from Homer, so his betrayal hurts her deeply. Make no mistake - she has been broken. And she's forced to see through her hope, to recognize that he's just another human, and that they are in a truly impossible situation. The OA is finally met with her greatest failure, her most keenly felt weakness. At this point, she must decide if everything she's learned in her NDEs is a delusion or something more. It takes a moment but she continues working on her mission to escape. At first, it seems like she's going through the motions but then her passion rebuilds. Then, in a symbolic gesture of apology and to reassure her that she isn't crazy (that she's not the only one who fell in love), Homer joins her in working through the plan. And, at the end of the episode, they make a miracle happen. Together. The magic that they create inspires faith in the other prisoners that there is a way out of their prison.

The entire show is intensely metaphysical and I've derived some very beautiful lessons out of it thus far. Truths I very much needed to be reminded of. I find myself in the unenviable position of being deep in the wilderness. Deeper than I've ever been before, if that's possible. It's never been this hard for me to rustle up the purity of intention needed to power through the thicket before me. I will, though. It's just taking a minute. On the bright side, I did discover that "The 10th Kingdom" is available on Amazon Prime so I've taken a brief break from watching "The OA" to enjoy something a little lighter for a moment. 

"Downtown" Video

September Theme: Where have I heard that before? Part Deux

Friday was a slow day at work and I found myself in an intensely philosophical discussion with my coworkers about the Hero's Journey and the trajectory of a character into good versus evil. I posited that one of the key moments in the Hero's Journey where it has the potential to turn into the Villain's Journey is the Atonement (or lack thereof) of the Father. The examples we discussed were Voldemort and Kylo Ren (aka Ben Solo). Especially concerning Kylo Ren, there's this question of whether or not he can be redeemed. However, in general, killing your own father (sorry if I spoiled that for ya....it's been like 5 years) is a point of no return. You've already chosen the path of evil, any seeming good that you may do from that point on is in service of whatever twisted purpose you're pursuing. The discussion spurred me to actually go out and buy "The Hero with a Thousand Faces" by Joseph Campbell, which I've been meaning to do for months now. Maybe I'll actually know what I'm ranting about for once. The Hero's Journey, although dressed in the trappings of comparative mythology, is ultimately about the search for meaning in the human experience. Joseph Campbell draws from psychology, religion, and spirituality to weave together why this particular plot line is so universal. From the knowledge of the literary journey of our favorite protagonists, we are able to draw vicariously from their experiences and develop our own sense of purpose. The Hero's Journey mirrors the Human Journey - remembering that turns every story we consume into a guide we can use to lead us to - and through - our destined paths.

Whew! Got a little dramatic there but I cannot overstate this - I've read about 20 pages in this book and it is already deep, dense, and heavy. It also has a lot of footnotes, and that's just about my most favorite thing in the world - a book with lots of footnotes. As the title suggests, I would like to revisit November 2018's theme again and dive deeper into the pop culture quagmire that we call civilization. I hope to put some of my newfound understanding to (somewhat legit) use by applying it to films and TV shows I've enjoyed throughout the years. It may get a little introspective, but I think all art - yes, even humble blog posts such as this one - are reflective of the people who create them. It's just that some introspection is more overt than usual. Of course, I plan to pull songs from the chosen media to highlight how music plays it's own unique part in narrating the human experience.

That's enough for now. With that, I leave you with the following pithy Internet quote:

"Where My Heart Will Take Me" by Russell Watson

I'm really fucking tired so I'm going to try to keep this brief. My sleep schedule has been all messed up the past couple of weeks (blame Eclipse Season 😜) so between waking up at like 3am for no reason, crazy vivid dreams, and extra long days at work, I've been exhausted. But...I'm feeling generally pretty chipper lately, hence the super ridiculous song for today. Before I get into that rant, I will reiterate that I engage in shufflemancy fairly often because if the Universe is going to speak to me or send me a sign, I figure it's probably going to be through music. For example, every so often - when I've had a particularly rough day or have been ruminating on the past (against my better judgement) - I will turn on the radio and "Faith" by George Michael will be on. I like to take that as a sign to be grateful and look on the bright side. And, even if it isn't a sign, it's fucking George Michael and no one can be a grumpy face when that song is playing.

It's been a long road

Getting from there to here

It's been a long time

But my time is finally near

And I can feel the change in the wind right now

Nothing's in my way

And they're not gonna hold me down no more

No, they're not gonna hold me down

I've chosen today's song because we've recently started re-watching "Star Trek: Enterprise" because they added it to Netflix. It's The Husband's favorite series. To be honest, it's one of my favorites too. It's certainly the one that was able to hold my interest the best. I like to mock the first couple lines of the theme song when the opening credits start and sometimes, my "punishment" is to listen to the whole title sequence. But, while I wouldn't say it's the best Star Trek credits song, I don't hate it. Yes, it's rather dramatic and it sounds like a 90s ballad even though it was written during the current century, it has a kind of hokey charm that always puts a smile on my face. I have other reasons for watching the show, too. Full disclosure - Commander Trip Tucker is one of my "fictional character" crushes. I don't normally go for blondes but he's obviously handsome, extremely smart (because you have to be if you're the Chief Engineer), funny, friendly, optimistic, a perfect gentleman, and he even has an adorable Southern accent. I'll even forgive him for being from Florida. Naturally, I was shipping T'Pol and Trip from the start, so when that storyline started developing, I remember being super girly and excited while watching the show the first time. I have a tendency to squeal when a romance has been hinted about for several episodes (even seasons) and it finally starts coming together. It doesn't matter who's involved. Trip and T'Pol. Booth and Brennan. Ron and Hermione. Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt (also on my fictional crush list). It's the same squeal for all of them. I get happy because other people are happy, sometimes overly so. I like to think it's endearing but I'm pretty sure it just makes me look like a spaz. Oh well.

Moving on. In general, I like "Enterprise" most because it showcases the best sides of human nature, the parts we should aim to grow in ourselves and encourage in others. In the episode we watched today, Captain Archer meets a transport ship en route to the same location they are going to (a stellar nursery). His first instinct is to open up a channel of communication and say "Howdy!" And when he becomes aware that the travelers are going to the stellar nursery for religious purposes, he brings them aboard for a cultural exchange and gives them a tour of the ship. While more suspicious minds would say that inviting strangers onto your starship is ill-advised at best (and, of course, shenanigans ensued), there's something special about offering that level of kindness and hospitality when you're aware that you're vulnerable. The Husband joked that this is such a typical American thing to do - the joke is that only an American would walk into a bar full of unfriendly-looking strangers and say "Hi! My name is Dave. What's everybody drinking?" I, personally, really like that about our culture. It's a gift to have the courage to try and strike up a friendship out of thin air and to be that open to accepting others right from the start. I've always felt I was lucky because, as shy and introverted as I am, I never had trouble making friends. But, to be fair, I never turned down the opportunity to make a friend if it was offered. So, given that I did allow myself to be so vulnerable, I suppose the lucky part is that I was blessed with meeting so many people who I would deem "Pure of Heart." I don't know how best to describe what that means other than the dictionary definition - someone who is without malice, treachery, or evil intent, someone who is honest and sincere. I think that's what the main theme throughout "Enterprise" was - trying to identify what being "pure of heart" meant (both within the crew and the new people they encountered) when faced with endless diversity and unfamiliar territory. But that road goes both ways. That's a question to ponder - Am I pure of heart? I think so, but how do you prove it? It's not something where you can pull a sword out of a stone or put on a Sorting hat to show other people that. You just have to embody it as best you can and hope other people can feel it when they meet you. I know that sounds very woo-woo but....I'm also certain that's basically the only way you can tell.

"Where My Heart Will Take Me" Video

"I Will Follow You Into The Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie

The strangest thing happened just now. I was having a perfectly fine, happy day when a sudden pang of existentialist dread came over me. Enter Death Cab for Cutie.

"I Will Follow You Into The Dark" has been featured in numerous TV shows and movies, mostly instrumental form, but I think I first remember hearing it in an episode of "Grey's Anatomy." That show is tough to watch - at least, the early season were. I think someone died every episode - patients, secondary characters, even main characters (but not Meredith, never Meredith, although she has a few close calls). I always kind of identified with Meredith Grey - smart, talented, with so many expectations and a difficult relationship with her mother. There's an episode where a patient is always in pain because of his affliction that he tells Christina (Meredith's best friend) that he lives his life at an 8 so it's become sort of this background that dulls every other part of his life. Later in the episode, she yells at McDreamy for being careless with Meredith's heart because "she lives her life at an 8....her pain on any given day is an 8." I wouldn't be that dramatic but it always surprises me how easy it is to pretend that it's not that hard. Of course, people see what they want to see. That helps.

Anyway, there's so much death and pain in that show but that's not what makes it hard to watch. It's the aftermath. That's what brings tears to this old soul's heart. What's left behind when there's nothing left to heal. In the second season, Izzy falls in love with Denny Duquette...and it's wild and innocent and beautiful. But then he dies, despite Izzy's best efforts, despite her risking her whole career, perhaps even risking her freedom. And that's not even the saddest part of their relationship. No...the saddest part comes a few seasons later, when Meredith meets Denny in the afterlife during a near-death experience. He hasn't moved on to Heaven (which is a obvious eventuality in the Grey's universe). Instead, he haunts the hospital and walks the hallways when - every once in awhile - he will walk through Izzy and he gets to feel her energy. Just for a moment before she continues walking. And in that moment, he's so happy. He'll do that until Izzy joins him, however long that takes. Isn't that so fucking sad?

In the story I'm writing, the heroine is an Immortal. Well, more accurately - due to circumstances in her life - she has been given the Curse of Agelessness. Damned for all eternity to watch the people she loves grow old and die. Or just die, in some cases. She could impart immortality on them, if she wanted, but if you understood the depth of that pain, would you? When the story starts, we meet her in this place - broken, bitter, and isolated by choice. Essentially, she vows never to love again, because the pain of loss is too great, now. As you can imagine, this doesn't exactly work for her. Typical Heroine's Journey - faced with tough choices and self reflection. But I read somewhere recently that the right choice is always the path of love, which always leads back to yourself. Pretty hippie dippie but makes sense to me.

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule

I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black

And I held my tongue as she told me,

Son, fear is the heart of love, so I never went back

That lyric - "fear is the heart of love" - always struck me, because it's such a bold-faced lie that nevertheless permeates everything in society now. But you can't love something you're afraid of. Fear isn't love...if anything, it's the opposite. I think his reference to Catholicism expertly underscores this point. I don't miss that about being Catholic - being afraid of losing God's love for not being perfect, afraid of being sent to hell for my petty girlish sins. The complete opposite of what Jesus taught. The ending described in the song is more peaceful, but it does frighten me a bit. But, if I believe in a universe with infinite possibilities - and I do - I have to accept that there might not be anything after death. No Heaven, no Hell, no next life, no do-overs. Just darkness. And, hopefully, someone to hold my hand as that darkness takes over. Like that couple in "The Notebook" who die at the same time.

I promise I'll choose a happy song tomorrow. However, I do feel that the dread has passed, probably to some other poor, unsuspecting Millennial. C'est la vie....

"I Will Follow You Into The Dark" Video

"Come Sail Away" by Styx

Staying on this theme of The Hero's Journey for this week, there is also a feminine version called The Heroine's Journey. I've been digging into this, because it is such a central narrative (and I've been gradually falling in love with writing again). It's basically the same thing, except it's more focused on self-acceptance. It's more conscious in that way, because the Heroine understands that there is something she's missing from her life from the beginning. She's probably been searching for it all her life but she usually doesn't start the journey in earnest until the reader meets her. I'm going to talk about a specific version of the Heroine's Journey, that of Lindsay Weir from "Freaks and Geeks." Unfortunately, the show only lasted a season but it was pretty brilliant and it's on Netflix if you're interested.

Lindsay Weir is the Smart Girl, but she's not sure she wants to be. That's the narrative her parents chose for her. However, that's not the only thing she is and she knows that, so as a way to rebel, she befriends a group of stoners. Mostly because the head stoner - played by James Franco - is cute. Thus begins her adventures and the show follows her and her brother, Sam, as they navigate the awkwardness of high school. Like all coming of age stories, Lindsay makes some mistakes, meets new friends that give her a new perspective, confronts conflicts with her family, has her heart broken, and breaks a heart of her own.

The heart that she breaks - Nick (played by Jason Segel) - was likely supposed to evolve into a full True Love story arc, had the show continued. Nick immediately falls for Lindsay when she starts hanging out with the stoners and he comes on a little too strong. Insanely strong, in some cases. There's a scene in one of the later episodes where Nick serenades Lindsay with a ballad. Lindsay is super embarrassed and while it is a little cringeworthy, it's also incredibly sweet and it's hard not to fall in love with Nick. That's the first time I fell in love with Jason Segel - the 2nd time was when he's singing a song from his Dracula musical in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," and the 3rd time was practically every single episode of "How I Met Your Mother." And I don't even think Jason Segel is that attractive - he's freakishly tall and has kind of an average face. But he's funny and sweet and sincere in every role that he's in, which is why he makes a good love interest in romantic comedies.

I look to the sea reflections in the waves spark my memory

Some happy some sad

I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had

We live happily forever so the story goes

But somehow we missed out on that pot of gold

But we'll try best that we can to carry on

I went on a little bit of a rant there, so let's bring it home. I like to think that I'm following the Heroine's Journey in my own life, especially when I run up against experiences that bring me to my knees and make me address my darker shadows. I try to ask myself, "What am I supposed to learn from this?" I hate to say that everything happens for a reason, because that's not exactly true. Sometimes bad things happen to you or you make mistakes that seemed unavoidable at the time - yes, elements might've been out of your control but it's what you make of it afterward that becomes who you are. I read somewhere (pretty sure it was "Eat, Pray, Love") that Heaven and Hell are the same place, you just take different paths to get there. On one path, you choose happiness and self-love; on the other, you choose sadness and self-hate. Either way, the choice is yours to make.

"Come Sail Away" plays at the end of the first episode of "Freaks and Geeks," at the Homecoming dance. Lindsay's punishment for the events that transpire during the first episode is that she has to man the punch bowl at the dance. At the beginning of the song, it's clear that Lindsay is annoyed that she's in this situation and even a bit embarrassed of how she got there. But when it gets to chorus, she decides to go on the dance floor and just dance. By herself, for herself, damn whoever is watching and how stupid she looks. It doesn't matter, because she's having fun. She makes the choice that, even though she's in a shitty situation because of her own actions, she's going to enjoy where she's at. If you listen to the lyrics of "Come Sail Away," I don't think there's a better song to play alongside Lindsay as she makes this fundamental choice for her story.

Side note: I love Styx because I grew up with Styx. Yes, it's great music, but I was also a nut about Greek mythology when I was a kid. The River Styx is the border that separates the Underworld from Earth. The dead must cross Styx by paying the ferryman, Charon, and it was rumored that the waters could make one invulnerable. Achilles mother, a nereid, dipped him in the lake and he was invulnerable except for his left heel, which is what she held him by when she put him in the water. Obviously, there's a lot of meaning behind that name - rebirth, difficult journeys and - most of all - crossing over. One of my favorite writers, Elizabeth Gilbert of "Eat, Pray, Love" fame, has a favorite Italian word. It's attraversiamo, which means "let's cross over." I think there's a wise beauty in that choice.

"Come Sail Away" Video

Nick Serenades Lindsay