"Wreck of the Day" by Anna Nalick

"Wreck of the Day" is the title track for Anna Nalick's debut album. An album which, like Matchbox 20's "More Than You Think You Are" and My Chemical Romance's early works, was perpetually on repeat on my Walkman. Yes, I still had a Walkman in 2005 - technology has morphed radically in the past 15 years. I'd feel old if I didn't also still feel so young. Anna Nalick's music, at this point in time, had a unique talent of capturing difficult feelings and experiences (both positive and negative) while also reviving the spirit of 90s female singer-songwriters. Female solo artists in recent years have veered decidedly towards Pop and R&B. I'm not sure if the likes of Anna Nalick and Michelle Branch would've been as successful if they debuted now. Given the success of T-Swift's latest album, "Folklore," there's a good chance this style could be making a comeback. But it's all just going in cycles now, anyway - isn't it? The Matrix is stuck in a loop.

Hopeless Romantics view the world through a revisionist lens. Maybe it's because I've seen so many movies and read so many books, I feel intuitively how the "story" should go. I think all writers have that sense. Wandering through life, in a world with multitudes of plot holes, extraneous exposition, shitty dialogue, and poorly drawn characters. It's maddening for writers, which might be why so many of them were dependent on alcohol at some point in their life. For reasons I can't fully explain - even to myself - I'm watching "Dawson's Creek." I got it in my head that I wanted to watch the show, because I never watched it when it was on TV, and as luck would have it, Netflix added it to streaming the same day I decided to search for it. The Universe works in mysterious ways. Anyway, Dawson is an aspiring filmmaker and the most hopeless of the most hopeless romantics. On one hand, I identify with his sensibilities completely; on the other hand, I can't help but think him a little foolish, delusional, and completely out of touch with what love is really about. Especially when the fantasy is gone and cold, cruel reality sinks in, looking back on the ruins of your romantic notions leaves you shattered. Press play on "Wreck of the Day." 

Driving away from the wreck of the day

And the light's always red in the rear-view.

Desperately close to a coffin of hope

I'd cheat destiny just to be near you.

"Wreck of the Day" goes over the thoughts Anna Nalick was struggling with after a failed relationship. A common theme in her work and another universally understood experience. Looking over what happened, from start to finish, and remembering how naïve and foolish you were, because you should've known better. Feeling stupid for letting your defenses down. And feeling pathetic for wishing desperately things could be different, because for some reason, after all the hurt, you still want to be with this person. That is my favorite lyric: I'd cheat Destiny just to be near you. I find it poetic. I mean, all lyrics are technically poetry but this particular lyric appeals to my writerly sense of drama. In addition to all those things you're telling yourself, there's also so many things you want to say to the other person. But it's over now. And you're exhausted from even trying. The entire tenor of the song is one of resignation and acceptance. Surrender. Things happened the way they happened, you can't change it, and all you can do is move on gracefully.

Driving away from the wreck of the day

And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus.

'Cause love doesn't hurt, so I know I'm not fallin' in love

I'm just fallin' to pieces

I'm feeling better, a little closer to normal, although my expectations of "better" are somewhat lowered. My definition of a good day is only crying once and being able to keep it to myself instead of bursting into tears in front of my children (or crying on the baby, a common occurrence when I was trying to make nursing work). Luckily, the thing that really triggers the tears is working through the CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) exercises in a PPD workbook I bought, so I'm able to kill two birds with one stone. There's a hollow feeling where my heart should be. Like somebody put a shotgun to my chest and pulled the trigger. I imagine that would leave a pretty big hole but I'm not exactly sure how shotguns work - I'm not the type of girl who knows jack shit about guns, really, but I like the aesthetic. Regardless, I'm learning to ignore it. I've regained my ability to consider things with my usual dark humor. And for once, I'm able to say all my clever thoughts in a perfect deadpan voice. When I'm happy, I have a tendency to laugh at my own jokes, which is super uncool.

And maybe I'm not off of being a victim of love

All my resistance will never be distance enough

I've been trying to do things that make me feel more like myself when I have some precious free time. Like watching a lot of "New Girl" and indie films starring Daniel Radcliffe (no idea why - I guess I like his face), saving way too many Pride & Prejudice memes on Pinterest, searching for new music, and reading constantly. Now that my incision is mostly healed, I've been trying to go on walks. Sometimes alone, sometimes with my oldest so he can get some baby-free Mommy Time. I downloaded the Randonautica app, so I can explore more of my neighborhood while actively trying to alter the fabric of Space-Time. The app calculates quantum blind spots (in addition to other things). A quantum blind spot is a location you wouldn't ever end up in due to causally linked forces - i.e., places you would never logically go for any reason in your life. The theory goes that, by being someplace you were never supposed to be, you can alter the timeline. I figure it couldn't hurt to try. To add to things, the app encourages thinking of an intention when you go on your adventure. Encouraging people to start a conversation with the Universe. Don't worry - it's only fucking around if I don't take notes. And I love taking notes.

Happy Full Moon in Scorpio! Jupiter and Pluto just met in an exact conjunction for the last time and Jupiter will, finally, be leaving the hellscape of Capricorn soon enough. 

"Wreck of the Day" Video

"Downtown" by Majical Cloudz

I've probably mentioned this before but my favorite Major Arcana in tarot is "The Star." It comes immediately after "The Tower" and there's a reason for that. The only way to survive the Tower crumbling and falling apart is having faith that you can rebuild whatever was destroyed. Not only rebuild, but make it greater than it ever was. With that in mind, I found myself ruminating on the difference between faith and hope. I've decided that hope is more uncertain and comes with expectations. Because it comes with expectations, we're always looking for confirmation, because ultimately, hope is built on shaky foundations. We don't really believe the implausible can happen, even though we really really want it to. Faith, on the other hand, is a deep knowing that something is true - regardless of what reality presents itself as. Some may call this delusion. And, in our darkest moments, faith does feel like delusion - so much so, that most abandon it. To continue believing, in spite of everything you see, you have to keep trusting that little voice inside that keeps telling you what is true. Because faith shatters your expectations altogether. Given this, I struggle with the balance between hope and faith. I wonder which one I really have.

I've been watching "The OA," which I highly recommend. There's been a recent fight to get Netflix to make more seasons, and I can understand why. It is good. So good. However, the premise requires an open mind. It addresses those questions of faith and hope and what happens after we die. Are we more than a brain trapped within the confines of a body? In order watch "The OA" and take in the message it has to offer, you have to be able to suspend what you know and have to be willing to accept that there's so much we don't know. In fact, that's the entire concept of the show, as far as I've watched. I'm going to try not to give away too much, but the show is about a woman (who calls herself The OA) who has escaped being held prisoner and she's trying to save the people she was imprisoned with. Including a man she loves dearly. In order to save them, she has to use her knowledge of the world beyond, which she gained during a series of Near Death Experiences (NDE). But her plan requires bringing others into the fold. Others who have already been jaded by life, even though most of them are so young. And she has to make them believe.

Faith is an essential component of The Hero's Journey because, inevitably, the Hero will face a tower moment where all their beliefs, hopes, dreams, and aspirations seem impossibly out of reach. It's usually after the first big battle of their journey. They've already gone through a major transformation for the better but they go into the battle arrogant. They've let their ego run the show and for that, they've faced a major defeat. Their perception of their identity has now been completely destroyed. They are nothing and no one once again. And they must answer those uncomfortable questions that have been looming since the beginning of their journey - questions only they can answer. Am I really on the side of good? Does magic exist or is it all in my head? Is True Love even real? Was it worth leaving the comfort of home? Do I have what it takes to accomplish my mission? They have been swallowed up by the void, consumed in total darkness. In order to get out, they have to believe that there will be a light if they keep going. Even though they can't see it, they have to know it's there. And in a situation where they could literally go any direction, the truth is that the only way you can go is forward. You can't erase past - honestly, the past might as well not exist. All that matters is what the Hero chooses to do in this moment. It might take a long time but the Hero eventually takes a leap of faith (his second on the journey) and puts one foot in front of the other.

There's one thing I'll do

If it ever goes wrong

I'll write you into my all of my songs

And if suddenly I die

I hope they will say

That he was obsessed and it was okay

'Cause we're going downtown

And we feel like running around

Is it really this fun when you're on my mind

Is it really this cool to be in your life

This song accompanied the climax of "The OA's" fifth episode. This episode was especially emotionally charged, for several reasons. Over the first few episodes, a connection between The OA and another prisoner (Homer) has been building. It's a weird type of intimacy because they begin as strangers. She can't even see him in the beginning, because she's blind. They have no privacy and, just because of the situation, they are forced to be vulnerable. They can't even touch each other but they become closer than most couples. They don't owe each other anything, they haven't promised each other anything, but the unspoken understanding is there. Unfortunately, in this episode, there comes a point where Homer seemingly betrays The OA, which is what their captor wanted. To break The OA's spirit, because her strength is keeping the other prisoners going. Until this point, it seems that OA derives her hope from Homer, so his betrayal hurts her deeply. Make no mistake - she has been broken. And she's forced to see through her hope, to recognize that he's just another human, and that they are in a truly impossible situation. The OA is finally met with her greatest failure, her most keenly felt weakness. At this point, she must decide if everything she's learned in her NDEs is a delusion or something more. It takes a moment but she continues working on her mission to escape. At first, it seems like she's going through the motions but then her passion rebuilds. Then, in a symbolic gesture of apology and to reassure her that she isn't crazy (that she's not the only one who fell in love), Homer joins her in working through the plan. And, at the end of the episode, they make a miracle happen. Together. The magic that they create inspires faith in the other prisoners that there is a way out of their prison.

The entire show is intensely metaphysical and I've derived some very beautiful lessons out of it thus far. Truths I very much needed to be reminded of. I find myself in the unenviable position of being deep in the wilderness. Deeper than I've ever been before, if that's possible. It's never been this hard for me to rustle up the purity of intention needed to power through the thicket before me. I will, though. It's just taking a minute. On the bright side, I did discover that "The 10th Kingdom" is available on Amazon Prime so I've taken a brief break from watching "The OA" to enjoy something a little lighter for a moment. 

"Downtown" Video

"Miracle" by CHVRCHES

Beats Per Minute: 124
Perfect For: Long distance runs after rough days

Today was a helluva day, my friends. And, after a helluva day, I get really introspective about things. On days like today, though, I remind myself that the Universe throws these curve balls at us for one reason - to teach us the lessons we need to learn. So what lesson did I learn today? I learned (or re-learned) a couple, actually. The first is that you can pray for and help people as much as you want, as hard as you can, but ultimately, you're never in control of how things in their life play out - they are. The second thing - and I feel like this is actually really important for me right now - is that there's a difference between hope and intuition. They both feel very different physically and I'm not sure if I realized that before. Hope is when you're expecting something to go your way because you desperately need it to. Intuition - as far as I've experienced it - feels like a knowing. Like you know how things are going to go, no matter what the reality currently looks like. For example, with my son, I knew I was pregnant before I took that first home test. I know it sounds kind woo-woo but, even though I didn't have any of the typical symptoms and it was still really early (almost too early to detect), I felt eerily calm when the possibility first came to mind. Intuition feels like something is inevitable, so you don't worry about it, whereas hope is all about worry. Worry about what happens next if things don't work out, so much so that you make up a hypothetical situation to assuage your fears. To sum up - intuition feels calm, hope feels like you're putting a positive spin on anxiety.

I've been reading a lot about hope, about how it's just another expectation, which just leads to disappointment. Hope is very future-based. Unfortunately, you have to be happy in the present. It's a vicious cycle - you hope for something, it doesn't happen, you become disappointed (and, thus, unhappier), so you reach for something in farther in the future. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. To break the cycle, you have to find the good in the present. What good came out of today? Well, next week, I'm going to have a lot more time to meditate, read, and sleep - I'm kind of looking forward to that. Things were starting to get a little boring at work and now, it looks like I'm probably going to be a lot busier. The workload is going to be a lot more balanced once the dust has settled. And it is definitely going to be imperative that I get a passport, just in case...so, a trip to Iceland within the next couple of years is a real possibility. Or maybe we could visit our friends in Italy? Yes, a lot of good things and everything is going to turn out fine. It always does.

Ask me no questions, I will tell you no lies

Careful what you wish for

We're looking for angels in the darkest of skies

Saying that we wanted more

I feel like I'm falling, but I'm trying to fly

Where does all the good go?

We're looking for answers in the highest of highs

But will we ever, ever know?

And I need you to know

I'm not asking for a miracle

But if love was enough, could you let it show?

If you feel it could you let me know?

"Miracle" was another one of those songs that YouTube recommended. It's starting to know my music tastes almost too well, kind of like how Facebook knows I just ate a sandwich. Chvrches album, "Love Is Dead," is loosely organized around faith and religion - or, more aptly, the feeling of separation when that sense of belonging and purpose is missing. "Miracle" is about the all too human search for acceptance. To be fully understood, accepted, and loved by someone. Anyone. Lauren Mayberry, in her explanation of the song, said that she doesn't "know if people really find that." Perhaps that's a little cynical, but can you blame her? Our society doesn't really value acceptance and understanding, we value time, attachment, and ownership. We're trying to change our ways, but we're not there yet. The title "Miracle" is a bit sarcastic - it doesn't seem like a lot to ask, but maybe it is. Of course, to find that level of unconditional love, you have to trust that love can really be unconditional. You have to believe that actually exists and that's way too scary for most people. Maybe scary isn't the right word - inconceivable. They can't wrap their head around it, which I suppose could feel scary, at times. I'm venturing to the philosophical again, which wasn't my intention. Even though I chose an unexpectedly philosophical song. I tend to do that. A lot. Regardless, this song helps me fill in the blanks when I'm too drained to think anymore. It's bouncy but the lyrics and tone are delightfully bitter. And the increased intensity during the chorus is perfect when I get the urge to sprint as fast as I can. I hate to brag but I'm blindingly fast....for like 20 seconds, and then I go back to my normal speed. Which is only slightly faster than the average 30-year-old woman. Like everything else, I'm working on it.

"Miracle" Video

"High Hopes" by Panic! at the Disco

This song was released in May and, finally, it's circulating the airwaves in a big way. I woke up this morning with this song stuck in my head. As someone who survives on hope (for the most part), its like this song showed up just in time. The Universe speaking to me through song, like always. More on that later this weekend. We are going to talk a little bit about magic today - specifically, we're going to talk about manifestation. It's tricky magic, but I'm pretty sure I've seen it work. And hope is the fuel, my friends, so let's jump down the rabbit hole.

I've been reading a lot about manifestation lately. Only kind of on purpose, though. I've been on this "following my intuition" kick, which includes jumping in when certain topics keep showing up in random places. Like in book recommendations or on podcasts I listen to. You know....following the signs. Because - pro tip! - the Universe fucking hates it when you don't follow the signs. As I said, from what I've been reading, it's tricky magic. Because you can want something too much, which just fucks everything up. Mama said, "Don't give up....it's a little complicated." It is complicated because you have to fundamentally understand the philosophical concept of non-attachment. When you want something too much, you start attaching expectations to it - how the outcome will look, how it will happen, when it should happen. When things don't go the way we expect them to, we start to get upset and negative and give up on it. Because if it doesn't look the way we want, it's not going to happen - and with that attitude, it won't. If you have a rigid plan for what you want, you close yourself off to the possibilities, which kills the magic.

Based on my research, I've identified some key things for manifestation magic:

1. Be specific - you have to know exactly what you want your end result to be. You can't have a muddled, half-baked idea of what you want to achieve. You can't want "everything" because not everything is going to be possible at the same time. You have to have a vision. And you can't be lukewarm and ambivalent about it, either. If you want something, you have to want it with your whole heart. This is what they're talking about when they mention your True Will.

2. Believe - This is by far the hardest part and where everybody (including myself) usually fucks up. Because to doubt is human. However, for manifestation to work, you have to develop an unshakable faith that what you want is on the way. No matter what obstacles show up along the path, no matter how things look from the outside, you have to know deep in your soul that it can and will happen. Even if your current circumstances make it seem like this deep desire is impossible now, you have to keep believing that things can change. Don't give up. Maybe this sounds like delusion, but the world was built on delusions. That's a limiting idea and I'm over it.

3. Take inspired action - Remember those signs I told you about earlier? Follow them. If something in your gut is telling you take an opportunity or try something new, take the leap of faith. Even if it seems like a detour from what you think will get you to the end goal, it's not - the Universe works in mysterious ways. And I feel like a say it a lot but.....you gotta do the work. You want to be a writer? Write every day, even if it sucks, even if no one reads it. You want to be a dancer? Go to dance class. You want to be a rockstar? You gotta put yourself out there. Everyone wants these big dreams to happen with the least amount of effort but if you don't put in the effort, you don't want it that much. That's just a fact. So if you want something, put in the work. No one is going to do it for you.

So yeah, build a "vision board," visualize, meditate, pray, do spellcraft, or whatever. This helps build and sustain the "believe" part I was talking about. But when you're done with all that, let go of what you're expecting and be ready to accept what shows up along the journey.

Had to have high, high hopes for a living

Shooting for the stars when I couldn't make a killing

Didn't have a dime but I always had a vision

Always had high, high hopes

Had to have high, high hopes for a living

Didn't know how but I always had a feeling

I was gonna be that one in a million

Always had high, high hopes (High, high hopes)

As you can see, the chorus for "High Hopes" follows the above guidelines. Brendon Urie said the lyrics were about the dream he had as a kid and the weird journey he ended up on that ultimately led to his dream coming true. Obviously, it's Panic! at the Disco, so the song is super high energy. A good song to listen to when doubt comes trickling in. Anyway, I know this post was a little rant-y but I hope it was informative.

"High Hopes" Video

"The Will of One" by The Protomen

Today's daily card pull was the Eight of Arrows, which stands for Struggle in the Wildwood Tarot. Based on the description (and I'm taking the descriptions very literally, as I am still early in my tarot edu-macation), I gathered that I would have to face some sort of challenge alone. And I did, at least for the first part of the day. I managed because I had to get it done - people were counting on me, so I did what I had to do. I came in early, hit the ground running, and....I'm not sure it made any difference. I hope it did, though. That was the other thing - hope. Don't lose hope. I may be extremely exhausted right now - and thus, my writing may be a bit incoherent - but I'm hopeful that we're going to be okay after this week. Maybe I contributed to that, maybe I didn't, but at least the sun is going to rise tomorrow. Thank my lucky stars!

The Protomen are probably one of the greatest bands Adam (yes...that Adam) has introduced me to. The first Protomen album is a rock opera based on Megaman. The second Protomen album is a rock opera based on the events leading up to Megaman, the rivalry between Light and Wily. They are both fantastic, but the first one was slightly better. "The Will of One" is the big ballad that Megaman sings on the first album. He's walking the streets, thinking about the world he lives in - an obvious dystopia that no one really seems inclined to fix. Protoman tried to save the city and the people stood and watched as he died. A fact that broke Dr. Light, which leads him to tell Megaman that he cannot change the world, that he will not stand by and lose another son to an ungrateful and uncaring Fate. But Megaman just can't stand by. People are starving, Wily's robots are oppressive and violent, death is everywhere. So he makes a choice that he will do whatever he can to save them, even if that means he has to do it alone.

Even here it is not safe

Even this grave has been defaced

Someone has written on this stone

In some angry hand

Hope rides alone.

Hope rides alone.

Hope rides alone.

Hope rides alone. One of the most profound lyrics/phrases I think I've ever heard. It reminds me of Pandora's box. After all of the world's evils and/or blessings (depending on the translation) escaped, only Hope was left when the box was able to be closed again. There are some academic interpretations that hope is just another evil. It "prolongs man's torment" is the argument there and that kind of hope is no use in this world. I do not agree. I think hope keeps us from giving up, from destroying ourselves. It spurs us on to do greater things, like Megaman tried to do. Hope gives us courage to face the darkness. Especially when the darkness has to be faced alone. 

Wow. Philosophical Jess really makes a big showing when I'm tired. Too bad she wasn't around when I was taking Medieval Philosophy...I might've actually gave a shit about that class. Just a quick note about "The Will of One" - this is an amazing song to workout to. It makes me want to take on the world, it makes me want to save the world. Yes, little old me. I could probably do it, though, if this song was on repeat. Additionally, I love this guy's voice. He also sang the Dr. Wily part on the second album. There are very few male (or even female) singers who can a hold a note that high for that long, so he (I think it's Raul Panther but I'm not 100% sure) deserves all the props. 

"The Will of One" Video