"Wreck of the Day" by Anna Nalick

"Wreck of the Day" is the title track for Anna Nalick's debut album. An album which, like Matchbox 20's "More Than You Think You Are" and My Chemical Romance's early works, was perpetually on repeat on my Walkman. Yes, I still had a Walkman in 2005 - technology has morphed radically in the past 15 years. I'd feel old if I didn't also still feel so young. Anna Nalick's music, at this point in time, had a unique talent of capturing difficult feelings and experiences (both positive and negative) while also reviving the spirit of 90s female singer-songwriters. Female solo artists in recent years have veered decidedly towards Pop and R&B. I'm not sure if the likes of Anna Nalick and Michelle Branch would've been as successful if they debuted now. Given the success of T-Swift's latest album, "Folklore," there's a good chance this style could be making a comeback. But it's all just going in cycles now, anyway - isn't it? The Matrix is stuck in a loop.

Hopeless Romantics view the world through a revisionist lens. Maybe it's because I've seen so many movies and read so many books, I feel intuitively how the "story" should go. I think all writers have that sense. Wandering through life, in a world with multitudes of plot holes, extraneous exposition, shitty dialogue, and poorly drawn characters. It's maddening for writers, which might be why so many of them were dependent on alcohol at some point in their life. For reasons I can't fully explain - even to myself - I'm watching "Dawson's Creek." I got it in my head that I wanted to watch the show, because I never watched it when it was on TV, and as luck would have it, Netflix added it to streaming the same day I decided to search for it. The Universe works in mysterious ways. Anyway, Dawson is an aspiring filmmaker and the most hopeless of the most hopeless romantics. On one hand, I identify with his sensibilities completely; on the other hand, I can't help but think him a little foolish, delusional, and completely out of touch with what love is really about. Especially when the fantasy is gone and cold, cruel reality sinks in, looking back on the ruins of your romantic notions leaves you shattered. Press play on "Wreck of the Day." 

Driving away from the wreck of the day

And the light's always red in the rear-view.

Desperately close to a coffin of hope

I'd cheat destiny just to be near you.

"Wreck of the Day" goes over the thoughts Anna Nalick was struggling with after a failed relationship. A common theme in her work and another universally understood experience. Looking over what happened, from start to finish, and remembering how naïve and foolish you were, because you should've known better. Feeling stupid for letting your defenses down. And feeling pathetic for wishing desperately things could be different, because for some reason, after all the hurt, you still want to be with this person. That is my favorite lyric: I'd cheat Destiny just to be near you. I find it poetic. I mean, all lyrics are technically poetry but this particular lyric appeals to my writerly sense of drama. In addition to all those things you're telling yourself, there's also so many things you want to say to the other person. But it's over now. And you're exhausted from even trying. The entire tenor of the song is one of resignation and acceptance. Surrender. Things happened the way they happened, you can't change it, and all you can do is move on gracefully.

Driving away from the wreck of the day

And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus.

'Cause love doesn't hurt, so I know I'm not fallin' in love

I'm just fallin' to pieces

I'm feeling better, a little closer to normal, although my expectations of "better" are somewhat lowered. My definition of a good day is only crying once and being able to keep it to myself instead of bursting into tears in front of my children (or crying on the baby, a common occurrence when I was trying to make nursing work). Luckily, the thing that really triggers the tears is working through the CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) exercises in a PPD workbook I bought, so I'm able to kill two birds with one stone. There's a hollow feeling where my heart should be. Like somebody put a shotgun to my chest and pulled the trigger. I imagine that would leave a pretty big hole but I'm not exactly sure how shotguns work - I'm not the type of girl who knows jack shit about guns, really, but I like the aesthetic. Regardless, I'm learning to ignore it. I've regained my ability to consider things with my usual dark humor. And for once, I'm able to say all my clever thoughts in a perfect deadpan voice. When I'm happy, I have a tendency to laugh at my own jokes, which is super uncool.

And maybe I'm not off of being a victim of love

All my resistance will never be distance enough

I've been trying to do things that make me feel more like myself when I have some precious free time. Like watching a lot of "New Girl" and indie films starring Daniel Radcliffe (no idea why - I guess I like his face), saving way too many Pride & Prejudice memes on Pinterest, searching for new music, and reading constantly. Now that my incision is mostly healed, I've been trying to go on walks. Sometimes alone, sometimes with my oldest so he can get some baby-free Mommy Time. I downloaded the Randonautica app, so I can explore more of my neighborhood while actively trying to alter the fabric of Space-Time. The app calculates quantum blind spots (in addition to other things). A quantum blind spot is a location you wouldn't ever end up in due to causally linked forces - i.e., places you would never logically go for any reason in your life. The theory goes that, by being someplace you were never supposed to be, you can alter the timeline. I figure it couldn't hurt to try. To add to things, the app encourages thinking of an intention when you go on your adventure. Encouraging people to start a conversation with the Universe. Don't worry - it's only fucking around if I don't take notes. And I love taking notes.

Happy Full Moon in Scorpio! Jupiter and Pluto just met in an exact conjunction for the last time and Jupiter will, finally, be leaving the hellscape of Capricorn soon enough. 

"Wreck of the Day" Video

"Glycerine" by Bush

Continuing on our melancholic mystery tour (see what I did there?), we're going to examine a staple of sad 90s alternative ballads. Long story short - it's a metaphor. Gavin Rossdale wrote "Glycerine" for long-time girlfriend, model Jasmine Lewis. They were together for five years but ended it in the mid-90s. To hear him tell it, it was a good relationship but it became strained when Bush started to gain notoriety and Rossdale was on the road a lot. The long-distance wasn't working and they decided to go their separate ways. Rossdale has been straightforward about what the lyrics mean - Love is like a bomb. Glycerine, in most situations, is a fairly nonvolatile and useful substance. However, when combined with the right ingredients, it is explosive. That's the metaphor. Something that is safe and stable can, under certain circumstances, blow up in your face. Which is why you have to be careful. 

Must be your skin that I'm sinking in

Must be for real 'cause now I can feel

And I didn't mind

It's not my kind

It's not my time to wonder why

Everything's gone white

And everything's grey

Now you're here now you're away

I don't want this

Remember that

I'll never forget where you're at

The lyrics comprise a sort of postmortem of Rossdale's breakup with Lewis. He clearly didn't want it to end and it sounds as if he's telling trying to tell her what he was feeling. The long-distance was hard for him, too. I think when a good relationship completely breaks down, it is because something very important wasn't communicated. Usually feelings. One person feels taken for granted but acts like everything is fine. Another person doesn't want to show how invested they are, so they "play it cool" and act distant. The road to heartbreak is paved with words unsaid. Without communication, people fill in the silence with their own narrative, which is usually (but not always) completely wrong and reflects the worst of their insecurities/fears. 

I needed you more

You wanted us less

I could not kiss just regress

It might just be

Clear simple and plain

That's just fine

That's just one of my names

Don't let the days go by

Could've been easier on you, you, you

I had a long pop culture rant but it sounded ridiculous and unrelated, so I deleted it. Everything I think sounds ridiculous and unrelated (and delusional, at times) lately. I try to keep most of the crazy confined to my journal so I can save some of the actually smart/thoughtful stuff for here. I'm not sure I have any of that stuff left, to be honest. To quote Nick Miller from "New Girl," my brain feels like spaghetti. The dialogue on that show is truly ace.

The video for "Glycerine" evokes the idea, for me, of memories. Of course, you have Gavin Rossdale playing guitar and looking tortured. That's all good. But then you have these less focused shots of a woman in a bare apartment interspersed with the musical scenes. I love the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." In it, two people, Joel and Clementine, erase their relationship with each other from their memory using new technology. In the film, the audience sees the memories from Joel's perspective as their being erased. At some point, Joel realizes he doesn't really want to forget. I find myself replaying certain memories and I don't know why because it hurts intensely. I just realized today that I'm replaying them so I don't lose them. And that's probably why they are so clear.

Also, it fucking pisses me off that this song uses the British spelling. Just thought I'd throw that out there, just in case anyone else felt the same. You're not alone.

"Glycerine" Music Video

"Give Me Love" by Ed Sheeran

I don't like to write about an artist twice in the same month, especially when it's twice in a row. However, I'm making an exception because I find this song beautiful. Ed Sheeran could probably get any girl he wanted, in spite of his patchy, ginger beard and milquetoast British persona. You know why? Because he writes songs like this.

The music video for this song showed up in my YouTube recommendations (this is going to be a pattern for this month) recently. I was drawn to the video because the actress playing the main role was incredibly gorgeous. Which, after watching the video, make sense. She plays an Angel of Love, and most people think angels to be beautiful beings. Nevermind that most angelic lore says they have eyes all over their bodies, four different faces, and shine so brightly, humans may burst into flames if they saw one. But she's a beautiful angel and she goes around the city, shooting arrows and making people fall in love. However, she's a lone figure. Throughout the video, as she goes about her angelic business, she looks so sad and lonely. At the beginning of the video, we see the angel dead on the mattress in her loft apartment, killed by a single arrow to the heart. Later, we understand why - she shot herself with one of her love arrows so she could experience love for herself.

Give me love like her

'Cause lately I've been waking up alone

Paint splattered teardrops on my shirt

Told you I'd let them go

And that I'll fight my corner

Maybe tonight I'll call ya

After my blood turns into alcohol

No, I just wanna hold ya

There has been this turn in both the psychology and spirituality communities towards radical self-love. There's a theory that you can only love someone as deeply as you love yourself. It all has to do with reciprocity. In our heads, we have a set point on what we think we deserve in relationships, which has a lot to do with our childhood and our relationship with our parents. In fact, most of it has to do with the relationships we saw in childhood. If we had an unhealthy relationship dynamic as a reference point growing up, most of the time, we subconsciously seek out that same relationship dynamic in adulthood - even when we know that's not what we want. Dr. Nicole LePera talks a lot about this, using examples from both her psychological practice and her own life. It's a form of self-betrayal. We know what we want but we don't believe we deserve it because of that predetermined set point. Humans will rarely let another treat them better than they believe they deserve for very long. It's uncomfortable, because we're scared we won't be able to reciprocate - which will lead to abandonment and rejection. The problem is that, with each relationship that follows the unhealthy pattern, our negative beliefs about ourselves get reinforced. We're not worth the effort. We're hard to love or unlovable. Or we fall deeper into a pattern of people pleasing and then we become exhausted and resentful because it doesn't seem to ever work. For definition, self-betrayal is the process of ignoring/denying our own needs and desires in order to acquire the approval and validation of another. It usually develops early, especially when a child has a hyper-critical, neglectful, and/or abusive parent(s). Self-betrayal is a hallmark of a lack of self-love.

Self-betrayal shows up in a myriad of forms. It's pretending to not be hurt by the actions of another out of fear of being seen as too sensitive. It's allowing others to violate your boundaries constantly out of fear they'll abandon you. I could go on but this shit can be easily googled. The point is, like with all things, you can minimize self-betrayal simply by having an awareness that you're in this pattern. Then make a promise to yourself to choose differently, even though it's scary and uncomfortable. With each little promise kept, you begin to trust yourself more. You start to believe that you can protect yourself, when no one else could. And your self-esteem grows and you invest in yourself more. Finally, you understand what self-love feels like and it helps you realize that Love is not a finite resource. It's not a zero sum game. It's renewable and you're able to generate it for yourself. And being loved by another is an enjoyable bonus, not a requisite for survival. Surprisingly, this actually makes you appreciate it more. It takes strength to allow life to make you softer and more giving instead of cold and bitter. But you only understand that once you've been through Hell and back.

People who love themselves move differently. Sometimes, they come off strange to others - because the default in society has been self-hatred for so many years. We don't know what a healthy, well-adjusted person looks like because most of us have never seen one. However, there are some ways to tell when you're getting to that place. When you start to love yourself, you stop trying to impress people who are always looking for something to criticize and always blow your mistakes out of proportion, no matter how much good you do. You stop trying to get the attention of people who prefer to be distracted. You stop being someone you're not to fit into places you don't really want to be. You stop putting value in the opinions of people who don't value yours. You start speaking your mind, regardless of whether others want to hear what you have to say. You walk with purpose, you act with purpose, you speak with purpose. And you actively pursue being the person you want to be. The painful thing about this, though, is you might lose people who prefer to cling to the old version of you. But, it's easier to accept and forgive them for it, because you've been through that part of the journey, too.

I've lost the trail of what I was ranting about. I meditate before writing - sometimes the thoughts come through clearly and match up with any sentences I've written down earlier, sometimes they don't. I'm trying to be a bit more structured with my rants so that they follow in a linear, logical fashion (even though my brain doesn't really work like that....it prefers cascades and explosions of information that form tangled connections upon impact). I've also been digesting some heavy psychology concepts that aren't always easy to put into words without a lot of background information. But we're getting there. At this point in the challenge, I've done pretty well but as we approach the holidays, the posts might get a little more infrequent.

I did want to call out some musical notes for the song. During the bridge, Sheeran goes into some emotive singing. Fairly close to what the Beatles would do during the phase when they were doing Primal Scream Therapy (that's a whole 'nother rant for a different day). Ed Sheeran has one of the loveliest tenor voices in the industry today but the bridge is not pretty. The words come off desperate and it's uncomfortable to listen to - that's the point. When you feel starved of love, you feel desperate. Additionally, the album version of this song includes a second part. Honestly, it's a completely different song and feels like a hidden track because of the long break in between. It's sweet - it's got the sound of an Irish ballad, with lyrics to match. I highly recommend seeking out the full version of "Give Me Love."

"Give Me Love" Video

"Moderation" by Florence + the Machine

Trying to fit in one more Song du Jour in before September. I was feeling this song today and, truth be told, I hadn't even heard it before today. I'd only seen a short bit of the lyrics from Florence's Instagram but it had struck a chord. As per my sister, seeing Florence in concert was amazing and easily the best concert she's ever been to. I believe her - and I've been to some great concerts. I saw Cher on her first farewell tour! And, of course, seeing Elton John live is transcendent. But Florence Welch has a way of singing the words in my soul that strips me bare. And I've seen the footage from her tour - her performance is like a ritual. She's raising magic as she sings and you can tell every person there is so high with it. So much energy! I love every song she's ever written, because it's always brilliant and heartachingly beautiful. Which is why I can read the lyrics and instantly know that it's going to be one of my favorites. I've decided the next time she comes through Texas (if ever again), I'm going to go, even if I have to go alone.

I've never made it with moderation

No, I've never understood

All the feeling was all or nothing

And I took everything I could

Can't hold it back, I can't take the tension

Oh, I'm trying to be good

Want me to love you in moderation

Well don't you know, I wish I could

"Moderation" is about feeling tired of holding yourself back to make others comfortable. Especially in love. I don't know why but it got me thinking about Scarlett O'Hara in "Gone with the Wind." She spends the majority of the movie chasing after this guy named Ashley Wilkes. Lord only knows why. Sure, Ashley is handsome, wealthy, and a perfect Southern gentleman.....but he's milquetoast. And that's fine - especially since he chooses to marry Melanie Hamilton, who is incredibly kind and very beautiful (she's played by Olivia de Havilland, for chrissakes) but also probably just as boring as he is. And Scarlett, who is ravishing and fiery and hella smart, just can't understand it. Just can't understand what she's doing wrong. Throughout the movie, Ashley struggles with his love and attraction to Scarlett. He understands why he married Melanie - they have more in common and she is a good wife. Not that Scarlett wouldn't have been a good wife - on the contrary, I think she would've loved him more fiercely than he could handle. And that's the thing....some people just can't handle the intensity. There's two ways you can react to that - you make yourself smaller to make others more comfortable or you move on to someone who loves how extra you are. I think you know you know which one I'm more in favor of, but that's because I feel that one of them slowly kills your soul until you're only a shell of who you used to be. Rhett Butler understood that about Scarlett the instant he met her. Scarlett is the definition of extra - incredibly flirtatious, attention-loving, and sensual to a fault. That would've been exhausting to Ashley, who might've always lived his life trying to tame his wild wife. However, Rhett couldn't look away and her vivaciousness made him feel alive. He was content to let her be a star.

And that's my rant on Scarlett O'Hara. My dad says I'm a lot like her, because I get really fiery when I get worked up about things. And I get worked up about so many things. I'm naturally a passionate person but I don't think that comes through, because I survived for so long pretending I was invisible, even though I desperately wanted to be seen. I know from experience that it's soul-killing. Another similarity Scarlett and I have is best summed up in the following quote: "No, I don't think I will kiss you — although you need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how." It's true. I need a lot of physical affection. It helps me come back to neutral and helps me feel safe/secure. Yes, it's a product of my childhood - my sister and I were discussing this last week, because she's the same way. And I know I should be ashamed because that makes me "needy" but - fuck it - that's what I need. If you're the same, the right person will be eager to meet you where you live. They won't force you to "love in moderation."

If you can believe it, I really did mean for this to be just a short song o' the day post. Must've got into the zone. Oh well - Enjoy!

"Moderation" Video

"Lover" by Taylor Swift

Today will be a quick song of the day, since I'm out of town and haven't had much free time. I've tried to keep my Taylor rants to a minimum but I'm going to take a brief detour from this month's theme to share T-Swift's latest song. Mostly because it's the first one I really liked off the new album, which comes out this Friday. Don't get me wrong..."ME!" and "You Need to Calm Down" were fun but not brilliant. "The Archer" was stylistically unique but was a departure from what made Taylor famous (and sounded a little like she was trying to emulate the whimsical sad girl trope that's so popular in indie music nowadays). But "Lover" brings us back to what made her famous - heartfelt lyrics, understated romance, and a relatable country lilt that transcends genres. Honestly, it reminds me of my actual favorite T-Swift tune, "Everything Has Changed," and that's a good thing.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you please stand?

With every guitar string scar on my hand

I take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover

My heart's been borrowed and yours has been blue

All's well that ends well to end up with you

Swear to be over dramatic and true to my lover

And you'll save all your dirtiest jokes for me

And at every table, I'll save you a seat, lover

"Lover" appeals to me because it's rings something that I feel is essential for love and that is the feeling that you're home. Maybe it's my Cancer stellium talking, but it's incredibly difficult for me to feel comfortable enough to be myself with strangers. I find it weird because I find that most people will share all sorts of secrets with me, even when I'm not looking for it. It's not that I'm secretive, I just private...you'll get to know me when I want you to know me and not a minute sooner. When I do find someone that allows me to let my guard down without hesitation, that's something special. It goes without saying that those instances are rare, because once I get to that point, I have a tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm afraid Taylor and I have that in common, but - after all the turmoil and controversy stirred up during her 20s - it sounds like Taylor's Saturn return has been good to her. It sounds like she's found someone who both inspires her and encourages her to be playful, that makes her want to settle down and build a home. Someone who meets her on her level and both challenges her to be better while accepting that she's human, too. 

I chose to feature the bridge because it has the most dynamic lyric pattern during the whole song. I also think it gets to the heart of what she's saying, which is this - if all the chaos and pain and tears led her to being with (to quote Tom Hanks in "You've Got Mail") the "one single person in the world who fills your heart with joy," then it was all worth it. But, I'd like to note few idiosyncrasies I found in the lyrics. Does she really think leaving the lights up until January is a big deal? Honestly, I love Christmas lights and, if it was up to me, I'd leave them up all year long. Or better yet, I'd string 'em up inside my house so I could enjoy them whenever, because it instantly makes a room feel magical. We did that for a while, in our first apartment in San Antonio, and I loved it. We also let our friends crash in our living room, but we really didn't have any other option. We were all young and broke, so it would've been pretty dick to make them get a hotel room. Also, doesn't Taylor Swift have like a 16-room mansion? Pretty sure crashing in the living room is fairly unnecessary for anyone in her social circle. But, I have to admit, it is kind of cozy. I enjoyed sleepovers when I was younger because it felt comforting to have everyone sleeping around me. I'm sure that says something troubling about my psyche but I don't care. Yes, I was one of those kids who liked camping in my living room (which was a rare and treasured experience) and building pillow forts. I read on Twitter that Cancers love their caves. In my case, this is accurate. My whole life, I've always wanted to sleep in a lit clos, which is a type of bed that is built into what looks like a chest of drawers, with doors you can close to make it dark. It's basically like sleeping in a coffin, which I'm sure I'd probably enjoy, too. I'm just rambling now, so I'll stop and give you some time to enjoy the video for "Lover," which is only a lyric video but it's got Taylor's favorite aesthetic (vintage home movies) all over it. 

"Lover" Video

"Miracle" by CHVRCHES

Beats Per Minute: 124
Perfect For: Long distance runs after rough days

Today was a helluva day, my friends. And, after a helluva day, I get really introspective about things. On days like today, though, I remind myself that the Universe throws these curve balls at us for one reason - to teach us the lessons we need to learn. So what lesson did I learn today? I learned (or re-learned) a couple, actually. The first is that you can pray for and help people as much as you want, as hard as you can, but ultimately, you're never in control of how things in their life play out - they are. The second thing - and I feel like this is actually really important for me right now - is that there's a difference between hope and intuition. They both feel very different physically and I'm not sure if I realized that before. Hope is when you're expecting something to go your way because you desperately need it to. Intuition - as far as I've experienced it - feels like a knowing. Like you know how things are going to go, no matter what the reality currently looks like. For example, with my son, I knew I was pregnant before I took that first home test. I know it sounds kind woo-woo but, even though I didn't have any of the typical symptoms and it was still really early (almost too early to detect), I felt eerily calm when the possibility first came to mind. Intuition feels like something is inevitable, so you don't worry about it, whereas hope is all about worry. Worry about what happens next if things don't work out, so much so that you make up a hypothetical situation to assuage your fears. To sum up - intuition feels calm, hope feels like you're putting a positive spin on anxiety.

I've been reading a lot about hope, about how it's just another expectation, which just leads to disappointment. Hope is very future-based. Unfortunately, you have to be happy in the present. It's a vicious cycle - you hope for something, it doesn't happen, you become disappointed (and, thus, unhappier), so you reach for something in farther in the future. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. To break the cycle, you have to find the good in the present. What good came out of today? Well, next week, I'm going to have a lot more time to meditate, read, and sleep - I'm kind of looking forward to that. Things were starting to get a little boring at work and now, it looks like I'm probably going to be a lot busier. The workload is going to be a lot more balanced once the dust has settled. And it is definitely going to be imperative that I get a passport, just in case...so, a trip to Iceland within the next couple of years is a real possibility. Or maybe we could visit our friends in Italy? Yes, a lot of good things and everything is going to turn out fine. It always does.

Ask me no questions, I will tell you no lies

Careful what you wish for

We're looking for angels in the darkest of skies

Saying that we wanted more

I feel like I'm falling, but I'm trying to fly

Where does all the good go?

We're looking for answers in the highest of highs

But will we ever, ever know?

And I need you to know

I'm not asking for a miracle

But if love was enough, could you let it show?

If you feel it could you let me know?

"Miracle" was another one of those songs that YouTube recommended. It's starting to know my music tastes almost too well, kind of like how Facebook knows I just ate a sandwich. Chvrches album, "Love Is Dead," is loosely organized around faith and religion - or, more aptly, the feeling of separation when that sense of belonging and purpose is missing. "Miracle" is about the all too human search for acceptance. To be fully understood, accepted, and loved by someone. Anyone. Lauren Mayberry, in her explanation of the song, said that she doesn't "know if people really find that." Perhaps that's a little cynical, but can you blame her? Our society doesn't really value acceptance and understanding, we value time, attachment, and ownership. We're trying to change our ways, but we're not there yet. The title "Miracle" is a bit sarcastic - it doesn't seem like a lot to ask, but maybe it is. Of course, to find that level of unconditional love, you have to trust that love can really be unconditional. You have to believe that actually exists and that's way too scary for most people. Maybe scary isn't the right word - inconceivable. They can't wrap their head around it, which I suppose could feel scary, at times. I'm venturing to the philosophical again, which wasn't my intention. Even though I chose an unexpectedly philosophical song. I tend to do that. A lot. Regardless, this song helps me fill in the blanks when I'm too drained to think anymore. It's bouncy but the lyrics and tone are delightfully bitter. And the increased intensity during the chorus is perfect when I get the urge to sprint as fast as I can. I hate to brag but I'm blindingly fast....for like 20 seconds, and then I go back to my normal speed. Which is only slightly faster than the average 30-year-old woman. Like everything else, I'm working on it.

"Miracle" Video

"She's So High" by Tal Bachman

When I was younger, I loved classic movie actresses. I thought they were glamorous and classy and graceful and amazing in all the ways I could never be. Vivien Leigh, the Hepburns (Katherine and Audrey - no relation), Hedy Lamarr (more on her later), Lauren Bacall, Veronica Lake, and of course, Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn's story was so tragic - she suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder, and based on my experiences with my mother, I really identified with that. I don't have BPD (surprisingly) but learning about Marilyn's struggles with her own identity and her desire for stability that she could never fully attain, I could begin to understand how things looked from my mom's perspective. There was a lot of fear for Marilyn - that no one loved her for her, that she was worthless if she wasn't pretty, the desperation to have a family of her own, a family that wouldn't abandon her. All things I struggled with myself at one point, albeit to a lesser extent. It's unfortunate because Norma Jean - the real person underneath the blonde bombshell persona - was actually pretty great. Norma Jean was very intelligent and empathetic. I feel like to be a good actress, you have to be extremely empathetic, because acting - to me - is simply the art of being human. She loved kids because she was still young at heart. And she wrote a lot - mostly poetry and, in my opinion, it was pretty good. She valued honesty and authenticity - she veritably craved it because it always felt like everyone was lying to her - and you can see that in her poems.

I contrast Marilyn's story with my other favorite actress from my teen years, Audrey Hepburn. I was obsessed with Audrey. I've seen "Breakfast at Tiffany's," "My Fair Lady," "Sabrina," and "Roman Holiday" so many times, I've lost count. She was (and is) everything I would like to be when I grow up. Like Marilyn Monroe, I probably know way too much about Audrey Hepburn's life - I even read a biography on her (and I'm not a big fan of biographies) and wrote a paper on it. I recently ran across a quote from a director who worked with Audrey. A journalist asked "How do you work with Audrey Hepburn and not fall in love with her?" His answer was simple. "You don't." And I believe it. You must understand - she wasn't a perfect person. Hepburn was a hopeless romantic and her love life was....complicated, to say the least. She was married twice (and divorced....twice) and, during both marriages, she had several affairs. And when she did find her dream man, they never married, although they were passionately in love for the last 13 years she was alive. As far as I can tell, he was the only one of her love affairs that wasn't punctured with infidelity.

But, for all her flaws, she was incredibly kind and compassionate. From the way people talk about her, she wasn't exactly Mr. Rogers level as far as kindness goes, but she was pretty darn close. Towards the end of her life, she dedicated the majority of her time to being a Good Will Ambassador for UNICEF and, aside from her love for Robert Wolders and her own children, her work with UNICEF was her greatest passion. Even working with Audrey, people couldn't help but love her and her innocent enthusiasm for life. She was always authentically herself and you can see that in her film work. For a woman that was the epitome of class and grace in the 60s, she was comfortable enough with who she was to do the most embarrassing stuff for a role. If you've seen "Roman Holiday," there's a scene where Audrey does this ridiculous interpretive dance with a bunch of Italian beatniks. As weird as her dance is, she looks so natural doing it, so free, that it doesn't seem weird at all. It's just her, that's just how she is. For a lot of actors, that's a big hurdle to get past because, even though you're pretending to be someone else, there's this mental block that's screaming "You look like an idiot!" Some people have a bigger struggle than others and a few people are lucky enough that they don't have to deal with it hardly at all. I'd like to think I'm finally over that now - that I genuinely don't care how stupid I look because everyone looks stupid sometimes. And I find that people seem to like me more when they realize I'm not as put together as I seem - assuming I let them see that. Another thing that I learned from Audrey Hepburn, which I've tried to incorporate into my soul as much as possible, is that kindness is more important than physical beauty. Not only that, but the idea that to be kind is to be beautiful. That anyone who can put aside their ego, their inhibitions, and be compassionate to another person without expectation is, by default, a beautiful person. A beautiful soul. And you can't hide a beautiful soul. You just can't.

First class, fancy free, she's high society

She's got the best of everything

Why could a guy like me ever really offer?

She's perfect as she can be, why should I even bother, ah ha

Cause she's so high

High above me, she's so lovely

She's so high

Like Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, or Aphrodite

She's so high

High above me

It goes without saying - I like to pretend this song is about me. I think most girls do. As much as I like this song, though, it's kind of problematic. The singer is putting the girl on a pedestal and using that as a justification not to talk to her. I read somewhere that it's not uncommon for beautiful women to have only a few boyfriends during the course of their lives. And to be further hindered in their careers because of their attractiveness. It's because guys are afraid of them. (That's another reason why I don't fuck with cowards - they usually don't give me the option.) I mean, look who he's comparing her to. Cleopatra, who was a fucking ruler of an extremely fundamental ancient civilization. Joan of Arc, who led the French army into victory against the British and is a legit saint. And Aphrodite, who is literally the Goddess of Love. Though I know many women capable of the first two things (and possibly the third - there's no telling how many Immortals live among us), I think it's unfair to leave out what happens to all three of these women. Cleopatra kills herself after her lover died and her country was on the brink of being invaded by the fucking Roman empire. Joan of Arc was burned at the stake because her visions became inconvenient for the ruling elite. And Aphrodite was forced to marry another God that she didn't love and wasn't attracted to simply because "Zeus said so." So like, by not having respecting the girl enough to see her as a real person and approaching her with genuine interest (even if means risking rejection), you are literally limiting her options. And those remaining options may not be that great. Don't get me wrong - women are great. But we're humans, too. No better or worse than men, just a little different (and they're minor differences, in the grand scheme of things).

That's my rant for the day. I'm 3 for 3 on my goal of meditating every day - an intention I set for myself on the New Moon/Ash Wednesday, because I know meditation is important but I don't make time for it. I try to do it before I write so hopefully, that has made these rants a little more coherent because I'm taking the time to gather my thoughts first. Especially for the rants I'm planning this month, a fair bit more research and thought is involved. I'm looking forward to seeing how much these rants evolve and I hope y'all are, too. Thanks for reading!

"She's So High" Video

"Fidelity" by Regina Spektor

I discovered this song while watching "Secret Diary of a Call Girl," a British show that I enjoyed watching once upon a time. I thought it had been cancelled after two seasons but, during my research for this post, I learned it actually survived for four. I think the issue was that America stopped importing it to Showtime and that's why I only saw the first two seasons. I found the show fascinating, mostly because it was largely based on a true story about a grad student who became a call girl to pay for her tuition. I read the book, too - the show is more inspired by the events than based on what happened but I liked learning about Belle de Jour's adventures nonetheless. And - in case you're wondering - yes, I am the type of person who hears a few notes during a shower scene starring Billie Piper and the first thing I think of is, "I've got to find that song...." I find the best songs when I'm just watching a show or walking through a restaurant. Next to Spotify, Shazam is the most used music app on my phone and you'll be surprised to know it rarely fails me.

As I was saying, I do try to do a little research before writing this blog, which I can understand may be hard to believe. I especially like to look up the song meanings, to make sure I actually heard the message that was being conveyed. Usually, I'm pretty spot on but today, I was pleasantly surprised. This song is slightly misleading in that, depending on how you're feeling when you're listening to the lyrics, it's either a break up song or a happy love song. I wouldn't have realized this if I hadn't been reading the comments, which I do from time to time because I find other people's thoughts entertaining and - occasionally - enlightening. I like this one person's interpretation of it as a happy love song, which basically goes like this....the singer never truly loved anyone before and now that she has, she understands that she was holding herself back in ways she could never understand and that's what breaks her heart. This interpretation reminds me of a Rumi quote, which I will include here (because I am now - and have always been - the type of person who quotes Rumi and Hafiz and Neruda)....

"Break your heart until it opens."

It seems simple enough but it's so hard to grasp in practice. I've been reading a lot of books - not all of which are of the spiritual persuasion - but a singular theme seems to be arising. True love shows you who you are. It doesn't just make you the person you always wanted to be, it reminds you that you already are. You just have to wipe a little dust off the mirror, that's all.  And while I'm still trying earnestly to grasp these philosophical concepts that oftentimes seem just out of reach, I'm getting closer. And with philosophy - which has no right or wrong answers, an much needed respite in a world desperately clinging to absolutes - if something feels true, hold onto it. Because it might be.

Suppose I never ever met you

Suppose we never fell in love

Suppose I never ever let you

Kiss me so sweet and so soft

Suppose I never ever saw you

Suppose you never ever called

Suppose I kept on singing love songs

Just to break my own fall

During the chorus, Spektor sings, "I hear in my mind all of these voices, I hear in my mind all of these words, and I hear in my mind all of this music." In the interpretation that I found, the voices and the words are all of her doubts and fears that prevented her from fully loving someone before this point. The verse above is all her "what ifs," the troubling things she thinks about when she's really forced to be alone with her heart. And that's the crux of it - we let those doubts and fears get in the way. As a sort of protection, a shield around our hearts. Maybe less of a shield and more of a cage. But, from what I've been learning and digesting (both lately and throughout most of my human experience) is that Love is freeing. It frees you from whatever is holding you back, because those chains can no longer contain you. You're invincible. I realize now I may sound a bit like Christian from "Moulin Rouge." I was always able to identify with the perspectives of both him and Satine. Always understood her (very justified) Fear, but always embraced his untethered hope and faith in Love. In the end, they switch roles - she has hope that Love will redeem her and he Fears that what he felt was never real. But eventually, those fears and doubts are dissolved and what is left is pure. Pure everything. Pure Love. Pure Music. Everything came full circle in the most emotional and uplifting song in the entire movie. And I think that's why most songs are about Love - because music has this powerful ability to transport us to that place with the most basic beauty that humans can create. That the universe created. Sound. Music was the first art. And it will surely be the last, whenever the end comes.

There's a lot of symbolism in the video, mostly surrounding the use of color. Again, at first blush, you think you're watching the video of a break up song. But then she turns it around and nothing is as you thought it was. Enjoy!

"Fidelity" Video

"The Only Exception" by Paramour

This morning, I woke up about 30 minutes before my alarm was supposed to go off with one phrase being repeated over and over. "Be Love. The people who are meant to be in your life will rise up to meet you." I don't know why but it felt very profound. All day, I've been pondering what it means. And I think that it's this - allow yourself to love as if you've never been hurt before, as if you can't be hurt. Those who are meant for you will match your intensity, match that vibration. They will choose to change, because that is what love does. It changes everything. In fact, love - genuine, real, unconditional Love - is the only thing that ever really changed anything, when you think about it.

So what does it mean to be Love? Well, I'm not particularly religious but I do like that one Bible quote, because it always rang true. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away." I'll admit, it's hard to embody that - but most people don't even really try nowadays. They think they're justified in their outrage at little things - things that, in the grand scheme of things, don't particularly matter - that they forget that they're directing that anger and hatred at real people. It's easy to get stuck in your head, get mired down in your thoughts, your opinions, your desires, your dreams, your fears, your insecurities. But, after a very lonely childhood spent stuck in my own head, I figured out the hard way that happiness is found in the connections we have with other people, no matter how tenuous we think those threads are.

Last weekend, I binge watched "Russian Doll" on Netflix (which I highly recommend) and a lot of things kind of clicked in my head. There's one episode where the main character, Nadia, spends a whole night watching over a homeless man to prevent his shoes from being stolen, because she knows that without the shoes, he's going to freeze to death in one timeline. So, lesson number 1 - if you can, be someone's guardian angel. You may think a random act of kindness is small and meaningless, but it may not be. Next, Nadia had to face her inner child and the guilt she felt for choosing herself - her own well-being - by telling a social worker that she wanted to live with her mom's friend, and not her mom. This episode hit me kind of hard, because Nadia's relationship with her mother very closely resembled mine. She had to grow up a lot sooner than she should've had to, she had to take care of someone psychologically who should've been taking care of her, so it felt wrong and selfish to acknowledge what she wanted. Lesson number 3, forgive yourself for choosing yourself, especially in situations where things were out of your control. And lesson number 4, there is nothing you can do to make someone happy if they aren't choosing to be happy for themselves. You are not responsible for someone else's happiness. Ever. But that doesn't mean you can't take responsibility for helping them do what they need to do. Which leads to lesson number 5 - we are responsible for our own happiness, so do what you need to do. If you need to go to therapy, go to therapy. If you need to make a change in your life, make that change. Don't expect anyone else to make you happy, because they will always fail to meet your expectations, and that's not fair to put on them.

I liked the season finale because, in the last episode, the two main characters - Nadia and Alan - have to prove that they learned these lessons by being separated into two  timelines and make the choice they failed to make originally. Throughout the show, they keep trying to figure out how they're connected. Well, in the end, they discover they were meant to save each other and when they learn this, the timelines merge and they're back together again. This reminds me of the ending of one of my favorite movies, "Wristcutters: A Love Story." In it, a guy (Zia) is trapped in purgatory after he commits suicide. In purgatory, he's living out the same boring life he was living before he died, until he meets a girl (Mikal) who insists there's been a mistake and demands to speak to the People in Charge (PIC). So he goes on a journey to help her find the PIC and, of course, they fall in love. Mikal is given a chance to return to life but she tells Zia that she'll come back. He's left waiting, convinced he'll never see her again but happy that she got what she wanted. The PIC take pity on him and return him to life, too. Zia wakes up in a hospital bed and when he turns to the patient next to him, he realizes it's Mikal and they smile at each other. They smile because they know they'll never be alone again.

Maybe I know, somewhere

Deep in my soul

That love never lasts

And we've got to find other ways

To make it alone

But keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this

Keeping a comfortable, distance

And up until now

I had sworn to myself that I'm content

With loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

I chose this song for Valentine's Day because I find something very honest in it. In the video, Haley Williams is lying in a pile of stereotypical Valentine's Day crap during some scenes, in kind of an ironic twist. I think the lyrics speak to something a lot of people can relate to - they go through life trying so hard to protect their heart, after years of disappointments and sadness. But when you fall in love - real love - you want to remove all those barriers. You want to get over all those fears of abandonment, rejection, loss, unworthiness, because you know that those don't allow you to be the best person you can be. And that's how love changes us - it should make us remember who we want to be, because that person is amazing. And if you love someone, you want to give them someone amazing and nothing less. And that requires taking some chances and doing something scary. It may require you to drop habits and behaviors and beliefs that you've had for decades. It should. I think we let ourselves get kind of cynical after a while. We become convinced that we're unlovable because we're not pretty enough, or smart enough, or fast enough or any number of "enoughs." Fill in the blank and you'll see what I mean. And then we use those lies as excuses to build a wall to keep love out, because we're afraid. Love doesn't exist. Love never lasts. Love is pain. Love is torture. Love is a trap. None of that is true, of course, but you'd never know that looking at society. And I'm tired of being cynical.

Sorry for the long rant. I think I had a lot more to say from when I was planning this in my head earlier, but it's late, I'm really tired, and I'm honestly surprised I even wrote this much. As far as visual interpretations go, I think video is worth watching. It's basically a psychologically analysis of how Williams' childhood shaped her approach to love. In the video, she meets this guy and he stays with her all night just talking after a love at first sight moment. In the beginning, the intensity makes her afraid and she's about to bail on him. But after looking at the things that make her want to run, she comes the conclusion that she'll regret it if she doesn't take this chance, so she returns to the original moment and makes a different choice.

"The Only Exception" Video

"Everything Has Changed" by Taylor Swift (feat. Ed Sheeran)

I know y'all are probably pretty love-song'd out (I am, too, to be quite honest) but it's Taylor Swift's birthday and this one happens to be both my favorite T-Swift song and one of my favorite love songs. I was playing it on repeat last spring and my friend even caught me singing it at work, like a damn fool, because I sing when I'm happy. Yes, she does write happy songs once in a while. It's not all "he's a cheating asshole" and "I'll burn down the fucking world" for Taylor. At least, it wasn't always like that. I have a theory why she is that way, but I won't go into too much detail on that now. Not on her birthday. But, suffice it to say, a man that she loved very much broke her heart. Before that, she was an open-hearted, free-spirited, dream-dazed girl with a guitar and an angel face. Then, someone killed her trust in love and she put iron bars around her heart. Not the best reaction, in my opinion. I feel like shutting down your heart is the quickest way to cut yourself off from the Universe, but I can understand why she did it. It's easier to numb yourself than feel the pain and grow through it. Unfortunately, she'll be 30 next year and the psycho dreamgirl routine won't be cute anymore. But remember that - if a girl seems crazy or insecure or distant, it's probably because someone broke her heart at some point and it's not quite healed.

I love this song because it's so innocent. It's about how love is in the beginning, before the brain gets involved, before you start thinking so much. The video features two kids just....being kids. They don't know if it's love, they just know that there's this person that they like a lot. Call me sentimental, but I adore puppy love. I think it's cute. I remember my first crush. Barely, only bits and pieces. I was in first grade and his name was Jared. He was blonde and green-eyed and I think he liked me, too. And I was so excited when he was in my second grade class, too, and then unbelievably crushed when I moved in the middle of the first semester due to circumstances that my 7-year-old brain couldn't really understand. Spoiler alert: Those circumstances were just as unpleasant as I imagined them to be, but I didn't learn why until I was 21. I'm starting to realize that there's a lot of things in my life that could've turned me into someone like Taylor Swift. But I'm not - I still wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm not one of those girls who mastered guile and I used to hate that, but maybe it's a good thing. I think it's a good thing to be emotionally sensitive and open to possibilities, open to disappointment. That's healthier than shutting yourself off and avoiding scary things like failure and embarrassment. I've tried doing that - it's not for me. I've failed before, I've done incredibly stupid shit, I've been fucking up constantly and consistently since I was a little kid, and - somehow - I think I turned out better for it. But I'm not gonna lie - it does come with a fair amount of anguish, at times. I think that's just normal life, though.

Back to the song, the chorus is "I just wanna know you better" repeated like a zillion times. This really resonated with me, because - as I think I've said before - all I ever really wanted is someone who wants to know everything about me. And I want to know everything about them. I know that's not possible, but still - the desire is there. "Everything Has Changed" is a duet with Ed Sheeran. T-Swift has collaborated with Sheeran like 3 or 4 times. I suppose it's because they have similar styles and they're good friends. My original theory was that T-Swift was in love with Ed Sheeran, but clearly that's not the case. Ed Sheeran recently married a childhood friend, which is the story that runs through his songs. Taylor has a very different story, one that's a little bit sadder. Oh well. She should take comfort that Supergirl is also going through some very real shit in the love department as well, so she's not alone.

Come back and tell me why

I'm feeling like I've missed you all this time

And meet me there tonight

And let me know that it's not all in my mind

I love the video almost as much as the song, because it embodies that innocence I was talking about. It starts with a pretty little girl getting on the bus and sitting down next to her friend. He's reading the Funny Pages (which still is my favorite part of the newspaper) and drinking what appears to be coffee. And she just smiles this smile that says, "I fucking love this little weirdo." The video is these two kids hanging out together, doing typical (and not-so-typical) kid stuff. My other favorite part of the video is when they are talking on the "phone" to each other. In the video, it's clear that the phones are fake and they're just talking to themselves, but their expressions are so animated that you know they believe they're talking to each other. I also like that the kids are different in some ways (he's kind of goofy, she's more serious) but they get along and do things outside of their "wheelhouse" because the other likes doing it. Like reading "The Notebook" or doing yoga or drawing on your face with markers. Kindred spirits. I think it's sweet, but we've already established I'm a sentimental old fool. Enjoy!

"Everything Has Changed" Video

"Heart Possession" by Calabrese

Calabrese is a band from Phoenix that specializes in horror punk. Basically, every song they write is perfect for Halloween. I had my pick of songs, so I picked one at random. They have a pretty classic punk sound, though. When you have The Misfits, Black Flag, and the Ramones listed as influence, how could you not? But they're also influenced by early 2000s emo....which is about when I found them. "Heart Possession" is from their album, "Dayglo Necros" which was released in 2012.

Take my hand, feel in your heart

All I demand, your life is marked. 

Vultures perched on burnt out buildings,

The only life I know is changing, 

Forever changing

Here's the story I picture when I hear "Heart Possession." Picture the Big Man on Campus, normal football quarterback who rules the school. Beautiful, blonde, just a tad naive. A new girl walks into school. Pretty, goth, just a tad dangerous. And he doesn't know why, but he's instinctively drawn to her, like a magnet. He asks her out on a date, even though he's being heckled mercilessly by his jock friends. After a wonderful date, she says she has to tell him something. Bam! She reveals she's a vampire! (Don't ask why she can go to school in the day time....just assume she conforms roughly to Twilight rules) Well, it's True Love isn't it? He wants to be a vampire, too. So, against her better judgement, she turns him. Now, they're stuck together forever. More permanent than marriage, because you can't escape someone who turns you into a vampire, no matter how hard you try. Even if you leave them, they're a part of you.

Side rant: I used to watch this show called "Big Wolf on Campus." It was a Canadian series about this quarterback who gets bit by a werewolf at a party. In order to deal with his new life, he befriends the weird goth kid who knows a lot of occult bullshit. They get into shenanigans, mostly because they live in one of those towns that attracts monsters and wizards like the plague. Kind of like Sunnydale from "Buffy" or Greendale from the "Sabrina, the Teenaged Witch" comics. Anyway, it was a fun show but I mostly watched it because I thought the goth kid was cute. Don't get me wrong....the werewolf quarterback was cute, too, but not my type. Apparently I'm attracted to extremely smart but intensely strange people. I'm feeling like a nostalgic nerd tonight, so I hunted down one of the clips to share. Enjoy!

"Heart Possession" Video

Merton J. Dingle Compilation

"Blinding" by Florence + the Machine

Another gem from my savior, Florence Welch. "Blinding" is kind of a break up song. She was in love, maybe she still is, but reality set in. It's the worst feeling when you realize that being in love with someone doesn't fix everything in your life. You still have responsibilities, all those problems you were ignoring are still there when you wake up from a cloud of infatuation. I think Florence's inspiration for "Blinding" was that stupid saying that "Love is blind." It's not - infatuation is blind. Real love is when you finally escape the addicted feeling and you're awake enough to see that the other person is not perfect - just a normal human - but you still want to be around them anyway. "Stranger in a Strange Land" summed up love best - "Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."

"Blinding" borrows the imagery of the sleeping princess, like from Sleeping Beauty or Snow White (who makes an appearance in the song). Let's lay it all out there on the table - True Love's Kiss symbolized sexual awakening in classic fairy tales. The princess couldn't be saved until some prince/knight/knave/what-have-you awakened those desires. This is based on the assumption that sex starts with a kiss (which it usually does, unless you're Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman"). Obviously, Florence isn't using that particular symbolism here. Instead, the dream-like state she was in was that infatuation phase I was telling you about - the "Honeymoon" period, which is a real thing that happens. You have the "butterflies in your stomach feeling" and everything is all shiny and new. Like a trip into Wonderland. And it can last for a long time, if there aren't any complications. That's why experts say you shouldn't get married to someone until after you've been together for a year, by which time the Honeymoon period usually wears off. Now, not all relationships last that long, obviously - hence those complications. Especially when you're older, real life creeps in a lot faster. People realize their limitations a lot sooner. And Love, even if it exists, does not conquer all.

And I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack

And all around the world was waking, I never could go back

'Cause all the walls of dreaming, they were torn right open

And finally it seemed that the spell was broken

The quickness of it can feel disorienting, which is what the lyrics are trying to capture. The initial infatuation can make you feel weightless and young, and when it's over, everything seems to crumble and you just want to get it back. But you can't ever get it back. So what do you do when it ends? Do you let yourself become bitter? Depressed? Do you stop eating and sleeping? Do you let it destroy you? Florence Welch proposes something better than that - acknowledging that it's over. Once you do this, eventually, you move on - Snow White stitches up the circuit boards, i.e., your heart and mind heal and you're capable of loving again. And that's the happy ending. You will survive, just like Gloria Gaynor.

Thanks for listening to my cynical rambling. For your reward, you may listen to the song.

"Blinding" Video

"You're My Best Friend" by Queen

Today is my mom's birthday so I decided to do a song that reminds me of her. Now, I could've picked plenty of songs. For example, I could've chosen the song "I Can't Get No (Satisfaction)" by the Rolling Stones - because my mom loves the Stones and she is never satisfied (well...that used to be the case...she's a lot more easy-going now). Or I could've chosen "Mamma Mia" by Abba, because she was a disco bunny back in the late 70s (according to my dad....who also likes Abba and has seen "Saturday Night Fever" way too many times). Or perhaps something by Cher - because my family fucking loves Cher. (Don't Judge Us!!!) But no....I chose a Queen song, because my family also fucking loves Queen. This is my dad's song for my mom. Because she's his best friend....which I find interesting, because I never thought of my mom as someone who is easy to get along with. But if a best friend is someone you want to share your adventures with and the first person you want to tell when you have good news (or bad news), I guess she would be his best friend. I told you - I'm lucky enough to believe in true love because of my parents.

Funny Vee story....When I was about 12, we went to my cousin Brian's first wedding. The Bride's mother had a life partner (because gay marriage wasn't legal yet), which of course confused 10-year-old Vee. My dad explained it that she just wanted to be with her best friend for the rest of her life, like he and mom did. "So that means I can marry my best friend?!" Vee exclaimed. "Yes," my dad told her. "I can't wait to tell Nancy," was what Vee responded. Nancy was her best friend at the time - it was naive and cute and my parents took it as such. Didn't discourage her or tell it was wrong, just said that she could if she wanted.

You're the first one

When things turn out bad

You know I'll never be lonely

You're my only one

And I love the things

I really love the things that you do

Ooh you're my best friend

Most people aren't lucky enough to marry their best friend. Most people just find someone that they don't mind hanging around that much....until they get bored. But my parents don't seem bored and they just had their 32nd anniversary. When I lived at home, they rarely did things separately when my dad came home from work - usually, they just watched TV together. Well...usually, my dad would read some history book while my mom watched "Keeping Up with the Kardashians." After my mom got treatment, things got a lot better and now, they just generally like being around each other. They like to plan evil things together, like telling my sister and I we were going to the Grand Canyon when really we were going to an outlet mall in California. Yes - this really happened and I'm never going to fucking let them forget about it because I haven't seen the Grand Canyon to this day, except for a glimpse when we went over Hoover Dam on the way to Vegas. They also still go do fun stuff together, some of which they were nice enough to let me tag along. They went to go see Elton John (which was A-MAZING!!!!) and they visit Las Vegas all the time (without us). And my dad always lets my mom have a taste of his food when they go out to eat. If that ain't a fucking best friend, I don't know what is.

I don't really have much to say about the song, except it's a good song. But it's Queen, so you already knew that. Happy Tuesday!

"You're My Best Friend" Video

"Everything" by Lifehouse

I've been thinking about Lily Potter and Severus Snape. Because that's what I do. I think deeply about Harry Potter stuff and then rant about it. Sometimes my thoughts and insights are clever, but usually they're just overwhelmingly intense considering that it's fiction. I've been thinking about the book and its characters even more since I began listening to the "Harry Potter & the Sacred Text" podcast - a fantastic listen and I would highly recommend it to any HP fans out there. Listening to Vanessa and Casper is comforting to me and usually, their conversations get me thinking philosophically about how the themes affect my own life. About how my own struggles are reflected in the lives of the characters. For example, the loneliness and isolation Harry felt at the Dursley's and the peace and belonging he felt when he was at Hogwarts, that's similar to how I felt my first day at college. It felt like the first night at school was the best night's sleep I had gotten in my whole life. Because I felt free. I felt safe. And I don't think I realized until I was a couple years older that this wasn't normal, that maybe my childhood wasn't normal.

There's a lot of parallels between characters as well. We recognize the obvious parallels between Harry and Voldemort, but it's not as obvious to see the parallel between Harry and Snape. Both of them grew up in homes where they felt unwanted and unloved. Unfortunately for Snape, he wasn't able to see Hogwarts as a refuge, the way Harry did. When he came to Hogwarts, he was bullied and teased. By Gryffindors, of all people, those who would naturally feel compelled to protect the underdogs and the outcasts. He had Lily, but she wasn't enough. She should've been, though - her friendship should've been enough. He was so mired down by all the pain he felt, that he couldn't see that she was reaching out to him. In fact, she tried to be there for him for six years, until he essentially called her a racial slur and she said - finally - I'm done....I'm done trying. He was consumed by darkness and all she wanted was to be his light. But Snape realized that too late. He lost everything and he had to live with that loss for the rest of his life. I was reading this chat transcript with JK Rowling where she said if Snape had just let Lily in and let go of his obsession with the darkness, she would have eventually grown to love him romantically. There are doubters, of course, but I personally believe this is true. You don't try to reach out to someone who is always pushing you away unless you love them in some capacity. However, if you push someone away long enough, eventually they'll get tired and let you alone, even if that's not what you really want.

Flirting with the idea of getting something
like this as a tattoo...

If I were Snape, seeing Harry every day would be extremely painful, because Harry is emblematic of everything he ruined. It was his selfishness - his feeling that he didn't deserve her kindness - that pushed Lily away, his obsession with the Dark Arts that led him to Voldemort, his eagerness to feel accepted that he let a sociopath use him to get the information that would ultimately be used to murder the love of his life. It's important that Harry has Lily's eyes because - I don't know - eyes are the window to the soul or some shit and when Snape was looking into Harry's eyes, it might've been like he was looking into Lily's soul. And it's unnerving looking into someone's soul. What if they're staring right back?

While I was thinking of Lily and Snape, "Everything" by Lifehouse came to mind. I love this song. Another one of those songs I consider one of the most romantic ever. Again, it's a simple song, not too many lyrics but even though there isn't that many words, every single word is meaningful. And then mid-way through, the music comes crashing down on you and you feel every note.

Find me here, and speak to me

I want to feel you, I need to hear you

You are the light that's leading me to the place

Where I find peace again

You are the strength that keeps me walking

You are the hope that keeps me trusting

You are the life to my soul

You are my purpose

You're everything

And how can I stand here with you

And not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

 I think it's important that the singer is not asking anything of the person this song is about. Just acknowledging the awesomeness of them and how much they mean to the singer. He doesn't want any more than to just be in their presence. Yes, this song is often interpreted as being directed towards God, which makes sense since Lifehouse started out as a Christian band. In fact, when I was younger and trying out different religious practices, I watched my friend in a skit set to this song at her Baptist church. Basically, angels were protecting this girl who was going through a rough time and Em was the demon trying to get past their protective circle around her. I've seen similar skits on YouTube - they're always moving, but I think that's because this song is moving. I don't see how anybody could listen to it and not get the feels, so listen to it sparingly. I should take my own advice - this song has been running through my head all day. The video is just the lyrics - there is no official video. I think that's how it's meant to be enjoyed - just pure sound, no visuals, nothing else needed.

"Everything" Video

"I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith

I've been trying to stay away from sappy love songs lately, just to give the blog a little more variety. A lot of my favorite songs are love songs and I think something like 70% of music is written on that subject - that's an evolutionary thing with a lot of psychological reasoning. I could go into it, but I'll save that for another day. Point is, I'm making an exception today because it's my parents' anniversary and this is their song. Well, one of their songs. And I can't remember if they decided this or I did, but I always associate this song with them.

As I've mentioned before, my dad served in the military. Still is serving, just in a different capacity from being Active Duty. He was deployed a lot - like more than is usual for someone in the service. Honestly, it felt like he was deployed my whole childhood. He'd be gone for months, come back for a few weeks, and then he'd be gone again. It was hard for the first couple of weeks but eventually I got used to it - this was just a standard part of being a military brat. I don't think my mom ever got used to it. I remember her always being very distant during those long absences. Now that I'm older, I think I understand what it means to really miss someone like how the song describes....

When you want to be around someone all the time, that you'd do anything to see them for just a couple minutes. And when that's not possible, you keep yourself as busy as you can - but even then, they're still hanging out at the back of your mind, no matter what you do. When you stop for a minute and the loneliness closes in, you find yourself talking to them in your head, which makes you feel a little crazy but it's also comforting. Besides, you're just trying to remember things you want to tell them when you are together. When you'd rather stay awake than go to sleep, because you can't guarantee you'll have dreams about them. As someone who has tried and failed miserably at lucid dreaming, it's easier to just stay awake. That sounds really crazy, but I imagine a lot of people understand this feeling. Most people, I would hope. It's not so terrible....once you get used to it. But then there are those moments when it gets tough - like when you're listening to "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" on repeat, for example - but you just have to deal with it because there's nothing you can do. Sorry, I got deep "into my feelings" as my immediate supervisor likes to say.

Moving on....I know true love exists because of my parents. You don't go through the kind of hell they've been through unless you love someone a lot. Many military couples don't make it, especially after the spouse leaves the military. It's stressful, even if you're not deployed all the time. I kind of wish my mom had been more active in the spouses' groups on base - I think she would've been less lonely. I participated in some of that stuff before I left my parents' house for good. It's a great support system, especially now that there's more focus on supporting military families (there really wasn't that much back in the 90s - at least, I don't remember it).

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing

Watch you smile while you are sleeping

While you're far away and dreaming

I could spend my life in this sweet surrender

I could stay lost in this moment forever

Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

Alright, let's address the elephant in the room - this song was the big song that came out of the movie "Armageddon." Does anyone really believe it would be easier to train a bunch of oil drillers to be astronauts then to just train astronauts on how to use a drill?! Is that seriously a realistic scenario? Do you know how many years astronauts have to train before they're sent into space? I just looked it up - Astronauts train for two-fucking-years before they even go on a training mission. Before that, they need a degree in engineering or some other super difficult bullshit, three years of professional experience, and/or 1,000 hours of pilot in-command time of a jet aircraft. We wouldn't send Joe Blow into space to save the world - we'd all fucking die. Also, Liv Tyler is an Immortal - it was confirmed because she hasn't aged a day since this movie was made. There's a reason they cast her as Arwen.

"I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" Video

Song du Jour: Warning--Love Song Ahead

I Won't Give Up

by Jason Mraz

I've been missing The Boyfriend something awful lately.  He'll be visiting me in a couple weeks--for three days, which isn't near long enough -- and I can't wait.  I really can't and, as I speak, I'm working out my sh*t so that in the next few months, we might even be in the same city for once.  We've been through some hard times but after 6 years, I think things are starting to fall into place.  Thus, for today, an ode to all of the changes we've been through and hardships we've encountered.  He's not just my boyfriend--he is my best friend.   And--as we hurtle towards the eventual apocalypse, whether brought on by the zombie plague or nuclear war or melting ice caps-- that's who you need at your side.  Trite but true.