"Born for Greatness" by Papa Roach

This is a good song to listen to on those days when you don't want to do much. When your bones and blood and brains just refuse to move. The days when inspiration won't come. I've learned that those are the days you have to work the hardest. Be warned - I feel a major rant coming on and it's a doozy.

I love writing. And I kind of hate writing. I love writing when it comes easily, when my word wizardry knows no bounds and plots just form themselves. When the infinite ideas in my head flow easily from my fingertips and characters are more real than actual people. That feels amazing! Unfortunately, for every day where that happens, there's at least one day when my mind goes blank. When all the dialogue I write feels contrived, when every story I think of seems like something I read somewhere else or saw in a movie. Days when I find myself staring at an empty Word document, screaming at myself, "What are you doing?! You have absolutely no talent, why even fucking try?" Yeah, the things our brains tell us are something else. Brains remember all the cruelest things that people ever said to us, tell us we're all the worst things we can imagine. Brains show us exactly where all the lines we shouldn't cross are and then make us fear what will happen if we try to cross them. Brains tell us to be afraid of being who we are, because everyone is sure to hate that person. It took me a long time to learn that a lot of this is bullshit, mostly because I had someone else (someone I was supposed to trust and who I thought loved me) telling me all that same stuff.

I've been reading a lot of shit about being your "authentic" self. You can comb that stuff for days but one thing is for certain - you can't be authentic if you're stuck in you're head. And I don't mean stuck in your head with daydreams and fantasies (most of these hippie-dippie sites agree that daydreaming is good for you), I mean stuck in your head with the anxiety and the negativity and the mean stuff. Yes, that stuff might still be in there (in fact - just from my own experience - I guarantee it will be for a while), but you can't let it take over. You can't let it own you. You have to be stronger than it. So how do you do this? Well, you cast a Patronus charm. Duh! You knew I'd find my way back to Harry Potter, so don't act surprised. 

But seriously, the foundation of a Patronus is happy thoughts and the pure, unadulterated will to overcome fear with light. However, that's a whole lot harder than it sounds, because science has proved we are hardwired to remember bad memories over good. It's a survival thing - good things aren't a threat so why bother remembering them? Meanwhile, forgetting that fire is hot or that those berries made you sick could kill you. Objectively, that is more important. But, if you can humor me for a moment, consider that awful thing your brain is telling you, then choose a memory that makes you happy. Something that helps you remember that the awful things aren't true. I, personally, feel that happiness where my heart is. I don't know how to describe it, exactly, but it's a sort of pleasant heaviness. There's also a gentle knowing feeling, like I know what's true and that's all I need to succeed. Coincidentally, it's the same feeling I associate with Love or Faith. If you can hold onto that feeling for a little bit, it'll get you through whatever you need to do. I'm not saying you won't need therapy or medicine - some people do and that's okay. But, if it ever gets to a point where you need a little extra help, a Patronus charm can take you a few steps farther than you otherwise would have.

Back to what I was ranting about....What do I remember when it's too hard to write? I think of the paper I wrote on mitosis in 8th grade and about how, when my science teacher gave it back to me, she grabbed my hand and said, "You should be a writer. You're too talented not to be." That's what's real. None of the other stuff.

It doesn’t matter if the world has gone mad

If we just hold on, if we just hold on yeah

The sky is falling and the world has gone mad

And we sing our songs, and we just hold on yeah

So if you’re running, stop running

One life, one chance, start living

Sing it louder just to let the world know

No, we’re not nameless, we’re not faceless

We were born for greatness

I really like the chorus to "Born for Greatness," especially the first couple of lines. I don't know - it just kind of feel like the world has gone mad, sometimes. But I feel balance coming - maybe we can't see it, but it's coming. Perhaps it's more of a tipping point, really. The last couple of years have felt really sludgy to me lately for some reason. Yes, I believe that was the right word to describe it. I think it's easy to let the darkness consume us, sometimes - heck, maybe we even want it to, because it feels familiar, because it's all we've known for a long time. But the light feels good, too. There's two beliefs that keep me going most days - we're all interconnected and everything happens in cycles. Remembering we're interconnected keeps me from giving into my worst instincts and being cruel to people, because any harm I do to them ultimately reflects back to me. And remembering that everything happens in cycles keeps me from being sad when something ends, because there's a new beginning around the corner. I guess that's just believing in balance, just phrasing it in two different ways. And that's what our highest self wants to understand - there can be no pleasure without pain, no happiness without sadness, no light without the shadows.

"Born for Greatness" Video

"Good Girls" by 5 Seconds of Summer

This song reminds me of myself. If you met me, you'd assume I'm a "good girl." I've been called a "goody two-shoes" and a "legal beagle" a lot in my life because I have a tendency to point out the rules. My dad has suggested several times that I should've been a lawyer. I probably would've been a good one because - here's the thing - you can't break the rules if you don't know what they are. And it's easier to get away with being bad when you look like an angel. 😈

Yep. I was actually a pretty bad kid when I was in high school and in college. Getting straight As wasn't a big deal for me. I didn't do my homework most of the time because I thought it was a waste of my time. Which it was - I'd ace tests all the time with zero studying. The only thing homework ever did for me is cut into my anime time. True story: My sophomore year of school, I had a geometry teacher who would walk around the classroom and check that we did the homework. So I would do enough questions in the 10 minutes before class to fill the top half of my paper and then cover up the bottom half of the page to hide that I didn't actually do the assignment. By the time I had started doing that in the third week of school, I had cemented my place as the top student in class so my teacher never thoroughly checked my work - she just assumed I did it and moved onto the next person. Which is how I became friends with Carlos, who was super cool and played guitar. He was impressed my ingenuity and deviousness.

I wish I could say that this was the worst of my bad behavior but I'd be lying. I have way too many of these stories. For example, one night, I told my mom I was going over to Rae's house to watch movies but we actually went to this dive bar called The Peanut Gallery. It was as dirty as you're imagining. We were supposed to be meeting this 22-year-old she was talking to on the Internet but she decided against introducing herself when she saw him. Instead, we watched the screamo band that was playing and our other friend, Jen, got the lead singer's phone number. Could we have died that night? Possibly. I do not recommend going to meet strangers you only talk to on the Internet. Luckily, the guy had no idea what Rae looked like, so we could play dumb. I ended up breaking up with that guy over instant messenger for Rae. Because, apparently, I'm good at breaking up with people when I'm not one of the people involved. She had me break up with a few people, actually. In my defense, though, I would also deliver her "I like you" notes when she was too chicken to do it herself. In fact, I jumped off a 6-foot-wall once delivering one - I landed on my feet and then promptly fell onto the gravel and cut up my hands pretty bad.

She's a good girl

She's Daddy's favorite

He's saved for Harvard

He know she'll make it

She's good at school

She's never truant

She can speak French

I think she's fluent

'Cause every night she studies hard in her room

At least that's what her parents assume

But she sneaks out the window to meet with her boyfriend

Here's what she told me the time that I caught 'em

She said to me:

"Forget what you thought

'Cause good girls are bad girls that haven't been caught

So just turn around and forget what you saw

'Cause good girls are bad girls that haven't been caught"

I do stupid stuff, sometimes, did I mention that? This is a common problem with Gryffindors - we follow our hearts and not our heads. We have a strong sense of right and wrong - and firmly believe that, sometimes you have to break the rules to do what feels right. Good people don't necessarily have good histories and a squeaky clean reputation doesn't always mean that a person has good intentions. The boundaries that society builds for us aren't always the right ones. Unfortunately, those are the hardest to break away from. I was thinking about Hermione this morning. I feel that she was the most Gryffindor out of the trio. I know there are some people (*cough*Ravenclaws*cough*) that disagree but hear me out! She didn't believe knowledge was the end-all-be-all for life - she believed that knowledge was a tool to make the world better for everybody. It really pissed me off that they cut out the SPEW plotline. I understand that, in the grand scheme of things, that plotline was probably not very important but it was essential for understanding why Hermione is a Gryffindor and not a Ravenclaw. Because she saw what she felt was an injustice and she took action. And she stood up for what she believed in, even though her friends thought she was crazy, even though the wider Wizard society thought the status quo was just fine. I think people ignore this because we all love Hermione so much but....the bitch did some stupid shit without putting much critical thought into it. Think about it - she was the one who was like "Hey, I stole a bunch of ingredients to make a complicated potion that we're going to brew in the girls bathroom in broad daylight and - oh, by the way - it's all so we can ask Malfoy one question." Hermione is the only one who actually punched Malfoy in the face. And, let's not forget - she's the one who suggested starting the illegal Fight Club that evolved into Dumbledore's Army. Girl is a troublemaker....and that's why I love her. It takes courage to follow your heart and take actions that seem unconventional or ill-planned, even if the chances of failure are high. Fuck it. Especially if the chance of failure is high. Those are the type of people who move the story forward.

Anyway, I know I got hella ranty today. Sorry. I'm in a mood today - just annoyed at myself, I guess. Or psyching myself up to do something stupid. Or just talking to myself because it makes me feel better to get my thoughts down instead of keeping them bottled up. Even when it seems like I'm going crazy, sometimes, but - after proofreading the above rant - all my thoughts seem coherent and reasonably well-conveyed so I think we're good.

"Good Girls" Video

"Everything" by Lifehouse

I've been thinking about Lily Potter and Severus Snape. Because that's what I do. I think deeply about Harry Potter stuff and then rant about it. Sometimes my thoughts and insights are clever, but usually they're just overwhelmingly intense considering that it's fiction. I've been thinking about the book and its characters even more since I began listening to the "Harry Potter & the Sacred Text" podcast - a fantastic listen and I would highly recommend it to any HP fans out there. Listening to Vanessa and Casper is comforting to me and usually, their conversations get me thinking philosophically about how the themes affect my own life. About how my own struggles are reflected in the lives of the characters. For example, the loneliness and isolation Harry felt at the Dursley's and the peace and belonging he felt when he was at Hogwarts, that's similar to how I felt my first day at college. It felt like the first night at school was the best night's sleep I had gotten in my whole life. Because I felt free. I felt safe. And I don't think I realized until I was a couple years older that this wasn't normal, that maybe my childhood wasn't normal.

There's a lot of parallels between characters as well. We recognize the obvious parallels between Harry and Voldemort, but it's not as obvious to see the parallel between Harry and Snape. Both of them grew up in homes where they felt unwanted and unloved. Unfortunately for Snape, he wasn't able to see Hogwarts as a refuge, the way Harry did. When he came to Hogwarts, he was bullied and teased. By Gryffindors, of all people, those who would naturally feel compelled to protect the underdogs and the outcasts. He had Lily, but she wasn't enough. She should've been, though - her friendship should've been enough. He was so mired down by all the pain he felt, that he couldn't see that she was reaching out to him. In fact, she tried to be there for him for six years, until he essentially called her a racial slur and she said - finally - I'm done....I'm done trying. He was consumed by darkness and all she wanted was to be his light. But Snape realized that too late. He lost everything and he had to live with that loss for the rest of his life. I was reading this chat transcript with JK Rowling where she said if Snape had just let Lily in and let go of his obsession with the darkness, she would have eventually grown to love him romantically. There are doubters, of course, but I personally believe this is true. You don't try to reach out to someone who is always pushing you away unless you love them in some capacity. However, if you push someone away long enough, eventually they'll get tired and let you alone, even if that's not what you really want.

Flirting with the idea of getting something
like this as a tattoo...

If I were Snape, seeing Harry every day would be extremely painful, because Harry is emblematic of everything he ruined. It was his selfishness - his feeling that he didn't deserve her kindness - that pushed Lily away, his obsession with the Dark Arts that led him to Voldemort, his eagerness to feel accepted that he let a sociopath use him to get the information that would ultimately be used to murder the love of his life. It's important that Harry has Lily's eyes because - I don't know - eyes are the window to the soul or some shit and when Snape was looking into Harry's eyes, it might've been like he was looking into Lily's soul. And it's unnerving looking into someone's soul. What if they're staring right back?

While I was thinking of Lily and Snape, "Everything" by Lifehouse came to mind. I love this song. Another one of those songs I consider one of the most romantic ever. Again, it's a simple song, not too many lyrics but even though there isn't that many words, every single word is meaningful. And then mid-way through, the music comes crashing down on you and you feel every note.

Find me here, and speak to me

I want to feel you, I need to hear you

You are the light that's leading me to the place

Where I find peace again

You are the strength that keeps me walking

You are the hope that keeps me trusting

You are the life to my soul

You are my purpose

You're everything

And how can I stand here with you

And not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

 I think it's important that the singer is not asking anything of the person this song is about. Just acknowledging the awesomeness of them and how much they mean to the singer. He doesn't want any more than to just be in their presence. Yes, this song is often interpreted as being directed towards God, which makes sense since Lifehouse started out as a Christian band. In fact, when I was younger and trying out different religious practices, I watched my friend in a skit set to this song at her Baptist church. Basically, angels were protecting this girl who was going through a rough time and Em was the demon trying to get past their protective circle around her. I've seen similar skits on YouTube - they're always moving, but I think that's because this song is moving. I don't see how anybody could listen to it and not get the feels, so listen to it sparingly. I should take my own advice - this song has been running through my head all day. The video is just the lyrics - there is no official video. I think that's how it's meant to be enjoyed - just pure sound, no visuals, nothing else needed.

"Everything" Video

I wonder what's on Snape's iPod...

I saw this link on my twitter feed and I had to share it.  The article combines two of my greatest passions -- Harry Potter and music.  And the playlists are pretty spot on and well-composed.  Lovin' it.
Read it at Songs of the Sorting Hat.