"Help" by Papa Roach

The last two posts were pop songs so I thought we'd take a sharp left turn into alternative rock. Another one of my son's favorite videos to watch. He really likes this song - not sure if I should be concerned or what. He does have great taste in music, though, that's for certain. Also, he's learned the phrase "Ya Basic!" so it's only a matter of time before he hurts some poor woman's feelings while she's shopping for UGGs and enjoying a pumpkin spice latte. 

Let's walk through the video first, before we get into the heaviness. The protagonist of this video is a man in a bunny costume. That could be representative of many things - that he feels he's a joke or that he feels like he's soft and weak (like a bunny). In any case, he doesn't feel like a man (as bunnies are rarely associated with virulent masculinity). It could also be a subversion of the traditional spiritual meaning of rabbits. Rabbits represent luckiness, prosperity, abundance, and even happiness. The protagonist of this video clearly does not reflect any of those things, as we'll see. At the start of the video, we see the Bunnyman waking up at 4pm next to what we can assume is his wife or  live-in girlfriend. And the first things she says could be exactly what we've told ourselves in our worst moments - "I don't know why you're waking up. You ain't got nowhere to go." The rest of the video shows his day progressively getting worse - he's out of milk, a random kid attacks him with nunchucks, someone throws a milk shake at him, and then more asshole kids are taunting him at the donut shop. It's important to note that both the woman and the kids are shown to look more ugly than they actually are. They might not actually look like that but his negative perception of life distorts everything, making people seem uglier and meaner than they might otherwise be. At the end of the video, he runs into another Bunnyman, the underlying message being that you can get through anything as long as you have an understanding friend who has been where you are.

Did someone turn the lights out?

Or is it just another dark cloud in my head?

'Cause I'm cut deep, my heart won't beat

Deep down low it's killing me

If I wanna scratch out yesterday

I've got so much I need to say

(I've got so much I need to say)

This past weekend, while I was desperately trying to keep myself from tumbling into a depressive spiral, I was thinking about how important routines and self check-ins are in these situations. Sometimes, we have to be a friend to ourselves and part of that is stopping to pay attention when you're going someplace dark. For example, I know something is off if I have less energy and I want to sleep all the time. In my normal state, I'm running around everywhere and am constantly doing some activity before going to bed. After years of waking up early, it's no problem for me most mornings to jump out of bed at 4am and do some yoga or writing. The last couple weeks, however, I've been hitting snooze way past my normal "point of no return" (i.e., the time I've decided is acceptable to sleep in until). When you're aware of these patterns, it's important to make a promise to yourself to break them. This is why routines are important - if you already have the momentum of performing a habit regularly, it's much easier to get back into the habit if you miss a day or two (or even a week). And you're able to be a bit more compassionate with yourself, if you skip a few days here and there. That's also essential - the ability to be compassionate with yourself. People will beat themselves up over the smallest, silliest things - things that are pointless in the grand scheme of things but seem so important in the moment, especially when you're already feeling down on yourself. 

One of the big contributing factors for my exhaustion is my mom being in the "depression" phase of her illness, which is, in some ways, worse than the "manic" phase. Mostly because we know she's not taking care of herself and I have constant anxiety about what she might do when she's by herself. She calls me multiple times a day (mostly because I'm the one who is most likely to pick up). During these short calls, I try to do a check in with her. Lately, I'm starting to realize the importance of doing the check-ins for myself, too. The questions I ask someone who I know is struggling with depression are the same ones that can keep me from falling into the same pattern. How are you feeling? Did you take a shower today? Are you wearing clean clothes? Did you take your medicine (or, in my case, multivitamins/supplements)? Are you eating healthy? Are you drinking water? Did you get outside and move at all? Easy questions that we can ask ourselves (or friends and family) that show we care and provide gentle encouragement to the receiver to take care of themselves. Because a sure sign of low self esteem and low self worth (hallmarks of depression) is not taking care of yourself with basic hygiene and healthy habits. Looking back now, there was a time when I actively avoided looking at myself in the mirror - I couldn't even look at myself while I was brushing my teeth. And, even though I've had some sad moments lately, I'm very happy that I'm nowhere near that level of self-hatred and I haven't been there in several years.

I think I need help

'Cause I'm drowning in myself

It's sinking in, I can't pretend

That I ain't been through hell

I think I need help

I'm drowning in myself

With that in mind, I keep flashing back to the beginning of "Wristcutters: A Love Story," which is one of my favorite films. It's one of the most disturbing scenes I've ever seen, because it's so simple. The main character has been depressed for a while and the viewer sees him lying on the bed, in the midst of a messy apartment. Suddenly, he gets up and starts cleaning the room with purpose. Takes a shower, shaves, and gets dressed - with purpose. The whole time, I have this sickening feeling because I know what's going to happen next. And sure enough, the scene ends with him slitting his wrists in the bathroom. I nearly blacked out. These particular type of suicide scenes make me queasy. Mostly because, if I were to kill myself - for realsies - I'd always imagined I'd slash my wrists. It's a little melodramatic, so I feel like it's the most fitting way for me to go out. It makes an impression. But I couldn't do it - for one, I have no interest in killing myself at the moment and, two, even thinking about it right now is making me sick to my stomach. It's also probably the most painful, scary way to do it. I'm not sure why my mind went to that scene today. Maybe because someone not taking care of themselves is one of the most obvious signs of depression and it's also the one people choose to ignore because they don't want to seem like they're being judgmental. To be honest - I know my mom gets annoyed when I ask her the check-in questions. And I also know she's lying when she answers sometimes. But the most awful thing is - that same eerie feeling of inevitability that I felt while watching the opening scene of "Wristcutters" is the same one I feel on a daily basis. And I don't know how else to help someone who won't help themselves.

"Help" Official Video

"Born for Greatness" by Papa Roach

This is a good song to listen to on those days when you don't want to do much. When your bones and blood and brains just refuse to move. The days when inspiration won't come. I've learned that those are the days you have to work the hardest. Be warned - I feel a major rant coming on and it's a doozy.

I love writing. And I kind of hate writing. I love writing when it comes easily, when my word wizardry knows no bounds and plots just form themselves. When the infinite ideas in my head flow easily from my fingertips and characters are more real than actual people. That feels amazing! Unfortunately, for every day where that happens, there's at least one day when my mind goes blank. When all the dialogue I write feels contrived, when every story I think of seems like something I read somewhere else or saw in a movie. Days when I find myself staring at an empty Word document, screaming at myself, "What are you doing?! You have absolutely no talent, why even fucking try?" Yeah, the things our brains tell us are something else. Brains remember all the cruelest things that people ever said to us, tell us we're all the worst things we can imagine. Brains show us exactly where all the lines we shouldn't cross are and then make us fear what will happen if we try to cross them. Brains tell us to be afraid of being who we are, because everyone is sure to hate that person. It took me a long time to learn that a lot of this is bullshit, mostly because I had someone else (someone I was supposed to trust and who I thought loved me) telling me all that same stuff.

I've been reading a lot of shit about being your "authentic" self. You can comb that stuff for days but one thing is for certain - you can't be authentic if you're stuck in you're head. And I don't mean stuck in your head with daydreams and fantasies (most of these hippie-dippie sites agree that daydreaming is good for you), I mean stuck in your head with the anxiety and the negativity and the mean stuff. Yes, that stuff might still be in there (in fact - just from my own experience - I guarantee it will be for a while), but you can't let it take over. You can't let it own you. You have to be stronger than it. So how do you do this? Well, you cast a Patronus charm. Duh! You knew I'd find my way back to Harry Potter, so don't act surprised. 

But seriously, the foundation of a Patronus is happy thoughts and the pure, unadulterated will to overcome fear with light. However, that's a whole lot harder than it sounds, because science has proved we are hardwired to remember bad memories over good. It's a survival thing - good things aren't a threat so why bother remembering them? Meanwhile, forgetting that fire is hot or that those berries made you sick could kill you. Objectively, that is more important. But, if you can humor me for a moment, consider that awful thing your brain is telling you, then choose a memory that makes you happy. Something that helps you remember that the awful things aren't true. I, personally, feel that happiness where my heart is. I don't know how to describe it, exactly, but it's a sort of pleasant heaviness. There's also a gentle knowing feeling, like I know what's true and that's all I need to succeed. Coincidentally, it's the same feeling I associate with Love or Faith. If you can hold onto that feeling for a little bit, it'll get you through whatever you need to do. I'm not saying you won't need therapy or medicine - some people do and that's okay. But, if it ever gets to a point where you need a little extra help, a Patronus charm can take you a few steps farther than you otherwise would have.

Back to what I was ranting about....What do I remember when it's too hard to write? I think of the paper I wrote on mitosis in 8th grade and about how, when my science teacher gave it back to me, she grabbed my hand and said, "You should be a writer. You're too talented not to be." That's what's real. None of the other stuff.

It doesn’t matter if the world has gone mad

If we just hold on, if we just hold on yeah

The sky is falling and the world has gone mad

And we sing our songs, and we just hold on yeah

So if you’re running, stop running

One life, one chance, start living

Sing it louder just to let the world know

No, we’re not nameless, we’re not faceless

We were born for greatness

I really like the chorus to "Born for Greatness," especially the first couple of lines. I don't know - it just kind of feel like the world has gone mad, sometimes. But I feel balance coming - maybe we can't see it, but it's coming. Perhaps it's more of a tipping point, really. The last couple of years have felt really sludgy to me lately for some reason. Yes, I believe that was the right word to describe it. I think it's easy to let the darkness consume us, sometimes - heck, maybe we even want it to, because it feels familiar, because it's all we've known for a long time. But the light feels good, too. There's two beliefs that keep me going most days - we're all interconnected and everything happens in cycles. Remembering we're interconnected keeps me from giving into my worst instincts and being cruel to people, because any harm I do to them ultimately reflects back to me. And remembering that everything happens in cycles keeps me from being sad when something ends, because there's a new beginning around the corner. I guess that's just believing in balance, just phrasing it in two different ways. And that's what our highest self wants to understand - there can be no pleasure without pain, no happiness without sadness, no light without the shadows.

"Born for Greatness" Video