"Help" by Papa Roach

The last two posts were pop songs so I thought we'd take a sharp left turn into alternative rock. Another one of my son's favorite videos to watch. He really likes this song - not sure if I should be concerned or what. He does have great taste in music, though, that's for certain. Also, he's learned the phrase "Ya Basic!" so it's only a matter of time before he hurts some poor woman's feelings while she's shopping for UGGs and enjoying a pumpkin spice latte. 

Let's walk through the video first, before we get into the heaviness. The protagonist of this video is a man in a bunny costume. That could be representative of many things - that he feels he's a joke or that he feels like he's soft and weak (like a bunny). In any case, he doesn't feel like a man (as bunnies are rarely associated with virulent masculinity). It could also be a subversion of the traditional spiritual meaning of rabbits. Rabbits represent luckiness, prosperity, abundance, and even happiness. The protagonist of this video clearly does not reflect any of those things, as we'll see. At the start of the video, we see the Bunnyman waking up at 4pm next to what we can assume is his wife or  live-in girlfriend. And the first things she says could be exactly what we've told ourselves in our worst moments - "I don't know why you're waking up. You ain't got nowhere to go." The rest of the video shows his day progressively getting worse - he's out of milk, a random kid attacks him with nunchucks, someone throws a milk shake at him, and then more asshole kids are taunting him at the donut shop. It's important to note that both the woman and the kids are shown to look more ugly than they actually are. They might not actually look like that but his negative perception of life distorts everything, making people seem uglier and meaner than they might otherwise be. At the end of the video, he runs into another Bunnyman, the underlying message being that you can get through anything as long as you have an understanding friend who has been where you are.

Did someone turn the lights out?

Or is it just another dark cloud in my head?

'Cause I'm cut deep, my heart won't beat

Deep down low it's killing me

If I wanna scratch out yesterday

I've got so much I need to say

(I've got so much I need to say)

This past weekend, while I was desperately trying to keep myself from tumbling into a depressive spiral, I was thinking about how important routines and self check-ins are in these situations. Sometimes, we have to be a friend to ourselves and part of that is stopping to pay attention when you're going someplace dark. For example, I know something is off if I have less energy and I want to sleep all the time. In my normal state, I'm running around everywhere and am constantly doing some activity before going to bed. After years of waking up early, it's no problem for me most mornings to jump out of bed at 4am and do some yoga or writing. The last couple weeks, however, I've been hitting snooze way past my normal "point of no return" (i.e., the time I've decided is acceptable to sleep in until). When you're aware of these patterns, it's important to make a promise to yourself to break them. This is why routines are important - if you already have the momentum of performing a habit regularly, it's much easier to get back into the habit if you miss a day or two (or even a week). And you're able to be a bit more compassionate with yourself, if you skip a few days here and there. That's also essential - the ability to be compassionate with yourself. People will beat themselves up over the smallest, silliest things - things that are pointless in the grand scheme of things but seem so important in the moment, especially when you're already feeling down on yourself. 

One of the big contributing factors for my exhaustion is my mom being in the "depression" phase of her illness, which is, in some ways, worse than the "manic" phase. Mostly because we know she's not taking care of herself and I have constant anxiety about what she might do when she's by herself. She calls me multiple times a day (mostly because I'm the one who is most likely to pick up). During these short calls, I try to do a check in with her. Lately, I'm starting to realize the importance of doing the check-ins for myself, too. The questions I ask someone who I know is struggling with depression are the same ones that can keep me from falling into the same pattern. How are you feeling? Did you take a shower today? Are you wearing clean clothes? Did you take your medicine (or, in my case, multivitamins/supplements)? Are you eating healthy? Are you drinking water? Did you get outside and move at all? Easy questions that we can ask ourselves (or friends and family) that show we care and provide gentle encouragement to the receiver to take care of themselves. Because a sure sign of low self esteem and low self worth (hallmarks of depression) is not taking care of yourself with basic hygiene and healthy habits. Looking back now, there was a time when I actively avoided looking at myself in the mirror - I couldn't even look at myself while I was brushing my teeth. And, even though I've had some sad moments lately, I'm very happy that I'm nowhere near that level of self-hatred and I haven't been there in several years.

I think I need help

'Cause I'm drowning in myself

It's sinking in, I can't pretend

That I ain't been through hell

I think I need help

I'm drowning in myself

With that in mind, I keep flashing back to the beginning of "Wristcutters: A Love Story," which is one of my favorite films. It's one of the most disturbing scenes I've ever seen, because it's so simple. The main character has been depressed for a while and the viewer sees him lying on the bed, in the midst of a messy apartment. Suddenly, he gets up and starts cleaning the room with purpose. Takes a shower, shaves, and gets dressed - with purpose. The whole time, I have this sickening feeling because I know what's going to happen next. And sure enough, the scene ends with him slitting his wrists in the bathroom. I nearly blacked out. These particular type of suicide scenes make me queasy. Mostly because, if I were to kill myself - for realsies - I'd always imagined I'd slash my wrists. It's a little melodramatic, so I feel like it's the most fitting way for me to go out. It makes an impression. But I couldn't do it - for one, I have no interest in killing myself at the moment and, two, even thinking about it right now is making me sick to my stomach. It's also probably the most painful, scary way to do it. I'm not sure why my mind went to that scene today. Maybe because someone not taking care of themselves is one of the most obvious signs of depression and it's also the one people choose to ignore because they don't want to seem like they're being judgmental. To be honest - I know my mom gets annoyed when I ask her the check-in questions. And I also know she's lying when she answers sometimes. But the most awful thing is - that same eerie feeling of inevitability that I felt while watching the opening scene of "Wristcutters" is the same one I feel on a daily basis. And I don't know how else to help someone who won't help themselves.

"Help" Official Video

"The Good That Won't Come Out" by Rilo Kiley

Rilo Kiley is one of my favorite bands. More music that got me through the toughest parts of my life (thus far). They broke up in 2011 (and I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who cared) but they still hold a special part of my heart. Rilo Kiley's music is very much like Lana Del Rey's, in that it can sound whimsical and chipper, but the lyrics tell a story that's so much deeper than the surface. Rilo Kiley was started by former child stars Jenny Lewis ("Troop Beverly Hills") and Blake Sennett ("Boy Meets World"). True to form, I was oddly attracted to Sennett's character, Joseph "Joey the Rat" Epstein, which is how I discovered Rilo Kiley. Chronic boy craziness had its advantages - I kinda miss it sometimes. "The Good That Won't Come Out" was the first Rilo Kiley song I'd ever heard and - while it's not my favorite ("Does He Love You?" wins that title) - I would certainly count it in a list of their Top 10 Greatest.

"The Good That Won't Come Out" is about mental illness - specifically depression and anxiety, especially among high-functioning individuals. It's a lament about how that, even if you want to do something about it, there's this fear that keeps you from seeking help. Even though you know it's keeping you from enjoying your life, keeping you from doing the things you love, preventing you from being there for the people you love, and stopping you from accomplishing your dreams. All the good that won't come out of you. Let's dissect it a little bit.

Oh, you're almost home

I've been waiting for you to come in

Dancing around in your old suits, going crazy in your room again

I think I'll go out and embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in the street

You say I choose sadness, that it never once has chosen me

Maybe you're right...

In the first verse, Jenny has been invited to meet up with friends and they get into a discussion about climate change. And she's struck by the futility because, while they're all claiming how concerned they are about it, they're not doing a damn thing to make it better. She wants to do better, she wants to be a better person, but she finds herself doing the same thing. A lot of outrage, not a lot of action. She's just watching things crumble around her but she can't bring herself to do something about it. Which leads us to our second verse.

She knows there is something wrong with her. Otherwise, she wouldn't be so miserable....but she won't go to a psychologist/psychiatrist. Because then she'd have to face the things that are causing her to be so miserable, including the things that are her fault. There's nothing more infuriating/disappointing than knowing the biggest obstacle holding you back is your own insecurities and fears. Besides that, in order to get better, she'd have to allow herself to become vulnerable to someone, even if it's just a medical professional. And that's scary for a lot of people. Letting someone in that far, allowing them to see those ugly bits, means they have all the ammunition they need to hurt you. Really hurt you. And you just have to trust that they won't. Very few people have ever experienced that level of trust. People think they have, but they haven't. There are people who go to therapy every week and they talk, but they don't really say anything. Then they stop going because it's not working. How could it? They didn't even try.

The bridge is my favorite part, though. She's in a conversation with someone - the person she's singing to - perhaps a lover, perhaps a friend. The talking is therapeutic for her and she's getting close to a few breakthroughs. She's allowing herself to be vulnerable. And that's what she wanted ("I've been waiting for you to come in"). But then she goes back to her same old self-destructive habits and pushes the person away. The killing blow, though, is when the person says that she's choosing to be sad, in the face of all the good things in her life. And a final, reluctant admission - maybe there's an uncomfortable truth to that. In the last verse, she starts thinking of her other friends, friends that never recovered from their depression, some of whom committed suicide ("all our friends who lost the war"), and she's at a crossroads. Let this person - who cares about her enough to try and break down her walls - walk away. And, thus, truly be lost. Or admit she needs help and actually follow through this time.

"You say I choose sadness, that it never once has chosen me...." That line has stuck with me for the past decade and a half. This can mean many things - choosing to stay in situations we know make us unhappy, choosing to think badly of ourselves, choosing to not stand up for our own needs and boundaries. It seems inevitable - because we've convinced ourselves this is just who we are - but it doesn't have to be. Thoughts are a choice, feelings are a choice. It may not seem like it in the moment, but they are. And it takes a long time and a lot of hard work to transform them into something more positive, something akin to happiness, but it's worth it. You just have to get over the fear and try. It may take a couple of tries, to be honest. I feel like it's Millennial Culture to compare our misery - my childhood was sadder than yours, I'm more broke than you, I've sacrificed more, et cetera. And then we wonder why our generation's drug use, depression, and suicide rates have sky-rocketed. I'm not saying life isn't hard - it is. But we don't have to see it that way. And we certainly don't have to accept misery as our permanent reality. Just let someone in.

"The Good That Won't Come Out" Video

"Leave My Body" by Florence + the Machine

"Leave My Body" is my favorite song from Florence + the Machine's second album, "Ceremonials" (which is one of my most favorite albums, ever). It's about the desire to shed the limitations that keep us shackled to the things we do not want. The life we do not want. To fully embody our soul, without the things that weigh it down. Fear. Insecurity. Anxiety. All things we have a choice in, by the way. At some point, we made a choice to allow ourselves to accept those things into our life and, hard as it is, we can make a choice to not allow them anymore. When you take a step back, you start to realize that the bad, scary thoughts about yourself weren't even yours to begin with. Just projections from other people that you internalized. Thus begins our exploration of archetypes.

Just a little level-setting - in psychology, an archetype is a set pattern of behavior. Plato considered these pre-existing ideals/templates and Carl Jung called them the "fundamental units of the human mind." There are literally thousands of archetypes, each one subtly different from another, but most people find it helpful to distill the myriad of versions out there in to a set of core archetypes. Every character you meet in a story (film or literature) is an archetype and it's important to remember that you might identify with aspects of many (or all) archetypes. This is normal - for the purpose of shadow work, it helps to select a few of the ones you most identify with so as not to become overwhelmed and then move onto others as you get more familiar with the process. Essentially, you're using each archetype up as a mirror to analyze your motivations and inhibitions. Sounds simple but it requires being truly honest with yourself and taking responsibility for your past actions, which most people have difficulty with.

I'm gonna be released from behind these lines

And don't care whether I live or die

And I'm losing blood, I'm gonna leave my bones

And I don't want your heart it leaves me cold

I don't want your future

I don't need your past

One grand moment

Is all I ask

For today, let's talk about the Victim archetype, which usually looms large in most people's psyches. The Victim's mindset usually goes like this - Only bad stuff happens to me. People always use me. No one could love the real me. Nothing ever goes right. I'm a failure because I'm not this way or that. Things won't ever change because this is just how things are. I can't change because this is just how I am. We think it's a mentality that only affects ourselves but, in reality, we end up warping our whole lives around it. We allow it to swallow up those we supposedly love. It becomes a free pass to get away with our worst behaviors, because no one understands how much pain and suffering we've been through. We use it as an excuse to not be grateful and happy for what we have in the present, because it's not perfect or exactly how we wanted things to be. We use it to feel entitled to others attention and/or affection. To monopolize others' time and then become annoyed when they turn their focus to something else, regardless of the reason. It becomes a permission slip to not give back as much as we get or be an active participant in our loved one's lives because it would be inconvenient or uncomfortable for us. It becomes an excuse to not pursue goals or try new things.

The Victim is really more of a Master Archetype, because there's so many ways to be a victim. For example, The Hider is a victim of their own insecurities and lack of confidence, and thus feels entitled to withdraw from life, to keep secrets, to judge others, and then feel angry when you can't anticipate their needs. The Long-sufferer, who thinks that because they had such hard circumstances, they're entitled to another's attention or support without offering any in return. Or - and this is possibly the worst - The Crusader, a victim of their own loneliness, negativity, and self-hatred, who has made it their mission to make others victims as well and victimizing those they think should be punished. The core issue with this Master Archetype is personal responsibility and the blame is always externalized - even if they hold negative views of themselves, their insecurities are always someone else's fault and not their own. Why should they have to change?

It's important to remember that you can be a victim of circumstances without taking on the Victim mentality. Here's a few questions to ask yourself:

• When something goes wrong, are you always assigning blame (either to yourself and others), even if the circumstances were out of everyone's control? An example of this would be assigning blame because it rained on your picnic.
• Do you feel like no one understands you or do you get unreasonably angry/frustrated if someone is unable to understand you? Why? Is it because you feel like voicing your needs/desires would be a burden on someone else?
• Do you feel like you have to control everything? Conversely, do you tend to let others dominate, even if it's not in your best interest? Why?
• Do you beat yourself up for not meeting ideals that are not your own? For example, thinking you should behave or look a certain way that society or your family/friends prefer.
• Are you not going after your own dreams/goals/self-improvement because you don't think you're good enough or don't "deserve" it? Where did those beliefs come from?

After you ask yourself those questions and answered them (I mean really answered them, to include examining your past to understand where those thought/behavior patterns started), that's when you can start the long process of reprogramming those thoughts. And by long, I mean it's a never-ending journey. Spoiler alert: A lot of affirmations are involved. Letting go of control and trusting others is also a big part of fully integrating this part of the Shadow Self. It requires you to be present and actively examine your thoughts as you have them. Finally, you have to release who you used to be....because if that version of yourself was worth keeping around, you'd be happier now. I know that's hard to hear. But, to quote Captain America, "you just gotta move on." Don't stay stuck in the past. It's gone. And if you're gonna be here, be here.

I love this song - it reminds me that I'm more than my corporeal form and the only limits I have are the ones I set for myself.

"Leave My Body" Video