"The Frug" by Rilo Kiley

This song has been on my mind lately. When I was younger, I went through a period where I was very into California-based indie music. I listened to a lot of Rooney, Dayplayer, and Sleater-Kinney. And a ton of Rilo Kiley. The kind of music they'd play in Miller's Outpost (when they existed) and Pacific Sunwear. That weirdo trying to Shazam the song playing in the middle of the store - yeah, that's me. I'd try to be subtle about it until I realized no one gives a shit. Rilo Kiley was a particular favorite because they had that special mix of unexpectedly dark lyrics combined with upbeat melodies and wistful vocals. They sort of lost that as they got close to their break-up. I think "More Adventurous" was the peak and then the chemistry dissipated after that. Don't get me wrong - I enjoyed their last album. But it was missing something. 

And I can watch TV

I can shuffle off to Buffalo

I can do a backbend

I will not call you back

Jenny Lewis grew up a child actor and, as she grew older, she got more despondent about life. I think that's common for people who were raised as trophy children - to feel like you're not much deeper than you're accomplishments. "The Frug" centers around the detachment she felt. The lyrics quietly - Look! - I can do all these things but I don't quite feel human most of the time. And sometimes, I don't feel anything at all. But I wish I did. Which is pretty sad, because you have a tendency to not realize that being detached can hurt other people. However, emotional detachment is a defense mechanism. In order not to get hurt, people withdraw or act like they don't care to save themselves from feelings of rejection and abandonment. Ironically, acting detached may actually result in the very results the person is trying to avoid. And it becomes this self-fulfilling cycle. Hence the repetitive nature of the final lyrics of the song. 

And I can hate your girl

I can tell you that she's real pretty

I can take my clothes off

I cannot fall in love

This whole week, my mindset has been very "Go fuck yourself, I'm done." My thoughts have been scattered. And yes, I've felt detached and wanting to disappear. I cannot find a logical reason for it. Yes, the current situation has been frustrating but this last week of teleworking actually went by pretty quick. I was busy every day, so when I closed my laptop for the day, I didn't feel like I had wasted 8 hours. The astrological forecast is not as pleasant. The recent New Moon in Taurus fell in my 12th House - the House of Self-Undoing. And it was conjunct Uranus and square Saturn, currently in my 8th House (House of Death, Sex, and Taxes). All this could explain why I'm feeling particularly reckless. All those placements also happen to be aspecting my Mars placement, and thus exacerbating feelings of anger (among other things) and, with an opposition to Saturn, has me resentful of restrictions and rules. So if I punch somebody, I can just blame it on Uranus squaring my natal Mars. That'll hold up with the cops, right? And Pluto is about to go retrograde tomorrow, also in my 8th House. Particularly with Pluto Retrograde, themes of letting go play heavily. Because you can't transform if you're trying to hold on to something that doesn't serve you. Something that's not working. Of course, charts aren't destiny and you can spin all these placements in a more positive light. I'm just struggling with that right now. 

"The Frug" was featured in a movie called "Desert Blue," which featured performances by Kate Hudson and Christina Ricci, both fairly young at the time. It was an alright movie. I probably wouldn't have watched it if I'd never heard this song. That's probably not the most glowing review but it's an honest one. It came out in 1998 - that will be obvious once you watch the music video.

"The Frug" Video

"The Good That Won't Come Out" by Rilo Kiley

Rilo Kiley is one of my favorite bands. More music that got me through the toughest parts of my life (thus far). They broke up in 2011 (and I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who cared) but they still hold a special part of my heart. Rilo Kiley's music is very much like Lana Del Rey's, in that it can sound whimsical and chipper, but the lyrics tell a story that's so much deeper than the surface. Rilo Kiley was started by former child stars Jenny Lewis ("Troop Beverly Hills") and Blake Sennett ("Boy Meets World"). True to form, I was oddly attracted to Sennett's character, Joseph "Joey the Rat" Epstein, which is how I discovered Rilo Kiley. Chronic boy craziness had its advantages - I kinda miss it sometimes. "The Good That Won't Come Out" was the first Rilo Kiley song I'd ever heard and - while it's not my favorite ("Does He Love You?" wins that title) - I would certainly count it in a list of their Top 10 Greatest.

"The Good That Won't Come Out" is about mental illness - specifically depression and anxiety, especially among high-functioning individuals. It's a lament about how that, even if you want to do something about it, there's this fear that keeps you from seeking help. Even though you know it's keeping you from enjoying your life, keeping you from doing the things you love, preventing you from being there for the people you love, and stopping you from accomplishing your dreams. All the good that won't come out of you. Let's dissect it a little bit.

Oh, you're almost home

I've been waiting for you to come in

Dancing around in your old suits, going crazy in your room again

I think I'll go out and embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in the street

You say I choose sadness, that it never once has chosen me

Maybe you're right...

In the first verse, Jenny has been invited to meet up with friends and they get into a discussion about climate change. And she's struck by the futility because, while they're all claiming how concerned they are about it, they're not doing a damn thing to make it better. She wants to do better, she wants to be a better person, but she finds herself doing the same thing. A lot of outrage, not a lot of action. She's just watching things crumble around her but she can't bring herself to do something about it. Which leads us to our second verse.

She knows there is something wrong with her. Otherwise, she wouldn't be so miserable....but she won't go to a psychologist/psychiatrist. Because then she'd have to face the things that are causing her to be so miserable, including the things that are her fault. There's nothing more infuriating/disappointing than knowing the biggest obstacle holding you back is your own insecurities and fears. Besides that, in order to get better, she'd have to allow herself to become vulnerable to someone, even if it's just a medical professional. And that's scary for a lot of people. Letting someone in that far, allowing them to see those ugly bits, means they have all the ammunition they need to hurt you. Really hurt you. And you just have to trust that they won't. Very few people have ever experienced that level of trust. People think they have, but they haven't. There are people who go to therapy every week and they talk, but they don't really say anything. Then they stop going because it's not working. How could it? They didn't even try.

The bridge is my favorite part, though. She's in a conversation with someone - the person she's singing to - perhaps a lover, perhaps a friend. The talking is therapeutic for her and she's getting close to a few breakthroughs. She's allowing herself to be vulnerable. And that's what she wanted ("I've been waiting for you to come in"). But then she goes back to her same old self-destructive habits and pushes the person away. The killing blow, though, is when the person says that she's choosing to be sad, in the face of all the good things in her life. And a final, reluctant admission - maybe there's an uncomfortable truth to that. In the last verse, she starts thinking of her other friends, friends that never recovered from their depression, some of whom committed suicide ("all our friends who lost the war"), and she's at a crossroads. Let this person - who cares about her enough to try and break down her walls - walk away. And, thus, truly be lost. Or admit she needs help and actually follow through this time.

"You say I choose sadness, that it never once has chosen me...." That line has stuck with me for the past decade and a half. This can mean many things - choosing to stay in situations we know make us unhappy, choosing to think badly of ourselves, choosing to not stand up for our own needs and boundaries. It seems inevitable - because we've convinced ourselves this is just who we are - but it doesn't have to be. Thoughts are a choice, feelings are a choice. It may not seem like it in the moment, but they are. And it takes a long time and a lot of hard work to transform them into something more positive, something akin to happiness, but it's worth it. You just have to get over the fear and try. It may take a couple of tries, to be honest. I feel like it's Millennial Culture to compare our misery - my childhood was sadder than yours, I'm more broke than you, I've sacrificed more, et cetera. And then we wonder why our generation's drug use, depression, and suicide rates have sky-rocketed. I'm not saying life isn't hard - it is. But we don't have to see it that way. And we certainly don't have to accept misery as our permanent reality. Just let someone in.

"The Good That Won't Come Out" Video

Song du Jour: Rilo Kiley Day!

Science vs. Romance

by Rilo Kiley

 

Rilo Kiley is one of my top favorite bands so you can imagine how bummed I was when they split in 2009.  But, as a concession to their fans, they released a vinyl version of Takeoffs and Landings earlier this year.  Is that like a given for indie bands?  "Sorry, there is no way in hell we're going to get together again to produce new material but your consolation prize is a vinyl version of our old sh*t."  I call "cop-out!"  It's a great album, though, and I do want the vinyl version....because I'm an uber geek about my respective fandoms.  I have boxes full of Sailor Moon crap from when I was 9, which includes things like an alarm clock with the most annoying song-to-wake-up-to ever, a Sailor Moon RPG guide, and a few of those gauzy anime posters --I shit you not.  Back to the Rilo Kiley -- this song was stuck in my head this morning.  More confusing dreams involving people I should not think about anymore.  "Science vs. Romance" was Rilo Kiley's debut single, and it has fantastic lyrics laden with metaphors and whatnot and serves as a low-key indie rock ballad.  The first lines are great -- they describe rather accurately the disillusionment I feel on a daily basis.

Jenny:  WTF are we doing here again?
Blake:  I....have no idea...

My Life in a Nutshell for Today:  The Boyfriend was getting on my case about creating the Zombie Apocalypse Drill website (even though he hasn't e-mailed me any information about what he wants on there) so making a start on that is today's project.  Also -- I forgot how truly impotable unfiltered Arizona tap water was....I'm dying of thirst....Please, somebody save me.  Video after you click-clickety-click the jump.