Fall is for Lovers ("Fair" by The Amazing Devil)

For a brief period this past Spring, I became obsessed with this song. It never fails to make me feel a certain way and isn't the point of all art to make you feel something? As such, on quiet nights when sleep eludes me, I find myself listening to it while I drift off. I'm sure when my Spotify Unwrapped for 2023 comes out, it will be there glinting embarrassingly close to the top of my most played songs for the year. Oh well, who cares? It has a calming effect on me. And it makes me feel somewhat hopeful, even as I find myself growing more cynical of fairytales and love stories as time passes. This song romanticizes the mundane aspects of real true love - not the love you see in the movies, but the love that echoes in quiet moments over coffee between two people who seem like they've known each other for ages. Even if the time they've shared is much shorter than that. 

It's what my heart just yearns to say

In ways that can't be said

It's what my rotting bones will sing

When the rest of me is dead

It's what's engraved upon my heart

In letters deeply worn

Today, I somehow understand the reason I was born

Today, Venus is moving into its home sign of Libra and this song, in my humble opinion, is very Venus in Libra. The lyrics are poetic and subtly dramatic in their wording, yet it's sung in such a soft, pretty way, that the intensity is rubbed smooth. The first verse, which I've featured above, almost has a Scorpio quality to it - talking about rotting bones and being carved into hearts - but instead of coming off with crazy, stalker-ish vibes, the singer is painted as devoted and endearing. A little less Joe Goldberg, a little more Gomez Addams, please. Libra, as a sign, is deeply connected with partnership. And while it's one of two signs the Goddess of Love calls home, it's the one more closely connected with romantic love whereas Taurus is more closely associated with self-love. Taurus placements are thought of as more independent, whereas Libra placements hint more at interdependence (or even codependence, in a harsher interpretation). 

She promises to fight them all when it all becomes too much

And he, he curses at the world

For leaving him behind, and he's falling out of touch

And she is stronger than he's ever been, he knows

She brushes her hand through his hair

He's got so much fucking hair

And he holds her close, just to keep the world at bay

And when they're sure no one can hear them

She'll turn to him to say, she'll turn to him and say

Libra also rules over the aesthetic, intellectual qualities of Love. As a Venus-ruled Earth sign, Taurus is grounded in the physical aspects - luxurious settings, decadent meals, and, of course, sex and sensuality. By contrast, Libra, as an Air sign, is often in the realm of the mind. As such, it embodies Love as an idea and it is commonly associated with the arts and the artistic aspects of romance and beauty. Love songs, poetry, dancing (especially ballet), opera, plays, paintings and novels depicting great romances, and romantic films all fall in the domain of Libra. Libra is also considered the sign of balance and harmony. It's fitting that this song's title is "Fair" - it's a word with dual meaning. It could mean that something is just and impartial, or it can mean someone/something is beautiful. Both meanings fall squarely in Libra's wheelhouse. And in this song, the lyrics declare that it's "not fair" to love someone so much. The question is: fair to who? It's not clear, as it seems both sides love each other very much. Maybe it's not fair to the rest of the world? Or maybe it's just something sweet they say to each other when they're overcome with emotion. The lyrics read much like a private conversation of moments in a loving relationship.

"I've seen enough, " he says, "I know exactly what I want

And it's this life that we've created

Inundated with the fated thought of you

And if you asked me to, if you asked me, I would lose it all

Like petals in a storm

Let's talk about those lyrics, shall we? Beyond that they're sung beautifully (we'll get to that in a minute), they beautify some of the mundane moments in a relationship and give them a sort of mythic quality, as happens with memories. We start at what I imagine is the beginning of their relationship, when they're in the talking stage. And the guy is trying to make her laugh, because he enjoys making her happy. And that's one of the clearest signs a man has feelings for you - when he just wants to make you laugh when you're feeling down. My husband has said as much - it's important for him that I laugh at his jokes, even the lame ones. I don't always but if he can at least make me smile, he's broken through my icy façade and he's won. Then the song transitions into something more serious - he's watching her get dressed, supposedly after they've made love. It's not clear if it's the first time or the hundredth time. In fact, it's not clear if they've been together for a few weeks, a few months, a few years, or a few decades. Maybe it's all of them at different points in the song.

It's also important to note that this song switches points of view throughout. Yes, it is a man singing and that's the POV for most of the song, but her thoughts and voice will peek through occasionally so we can see how she feels. We know he makes her ache (the bastard!) but we don't know if this is from laughing too much or because he makes her cry. (Probably both.) We can imagine her lamenting that he has so much fucking hair while she's trying to run her hands through it. And we know that she's the more grounded one, because she stays calm when he thinks the world is falling apart. She doesn't get tossed up in the storm. And she simply smiles at his overdramatic verses. Finally, we know she thinks he's "the cool guy" and it baffles her that she's with him. That last line in the second chorus - "'Cause if I'm standing here, maybe everyone will think I'm cool" - always gets me. I've always felt deeply weird and out of place. Decidedly uncool. And I remember all of my crushes on people starting the same way - gosh, I want him to think I'm cool. In fact, I remember distinctly packing to spend a week with my husband and choosing my clothes with the intent to "look cool." Did it work? Perhaps. I just feel silly now for putting so much effort into it. But I was young(er), and when you're young, things like that matter more than they should.

"It's not fair, it's not fair how much I love you"

It's not fair, 'cause you make me weep

When I'm just tryna watch The Office with my yoghurt"

And she'll say

"Oh, how, oh, how unreasonable

How unreasonably in love I am with everything you do

I'll spend my days so close to you

'Cause if I'm standing here, maybe everyone will think I'm cool"

The Amazing Devil is an alt-folk band created by Joey Batey and Madeleine Hyland. And if that voice sounds familiar, you must be a fan of Netflix's "The Witcher." Joey Batey plays Jaskier, Geralt's bard companion who popularizes his exploits in song. And Batey definitely has the voice (and the face) of a bard. Indeed, I will agree that Henry Cavill grimes up good, but I couldn't help but fall in love with Batey's portrayal of the fun-loving, lascivious troubadour. And while "Toss a Coin to Your Witcher" was hella catchy, I think a lot of it's success was Batey's strong, clear tenor that didn't feel at all out of place in the fantasy landscape of the Continent. "Fair" is off The Amazing Devil's second album, "The Horror and the Wild." Most of the tracks on this album evoke the whimsical witchiness of the title - a key quality that drew me to their music - which is why a soft ballad like "Fair" stands out. Madeleine does not sing on the track (even though I love her voice too...quite theatrical), though I think it could be turned into a duet easily. I wouldn't be surprised if they turned it into one during live shows. 

"How unfair, how unfair, " they'll sing

As they dance across the darling rooftop wreck

He'll trip, and she'll pretend not to have seen

Burying her head into his chest

And clinging to the moment, "Where have you been?"

She'll whisper, "I've waited, oh, so long for you to come"

And as the stars above them hum and hear them

He'll turn to her and say, "That's what she said"

To quote a YouTube comment I found on one of The Amazing Devil's videos when I was researching for this post: "The Civil Wars left a gap in my life that this band is filling." And though I don't feel the same intense chemistry that existed between J.P. White and Joy Williams (which was rare and exceptional...and undoubtedly fueled the rumors that led to their breakup), I don't think it's needed. Sometimes, you just get two voices that blend well together and songwriters who have a similar aesthetic and musical inclinations. There's still magic in that.

"Fair"

Double Feature: Machine Gun Kelly

Last Thursday, I was feeling kind of low on the drive into work. I could hardly focus on the Nightlight Astrology podcast I was listening to. Personal troubles were on my mind. I could hear Acuyta Bhava-Das talking about Mars conjunct Mercury in Pisces, relating it to this idea of not forcing things. When my heart is sunken like this, it is my habit of turning to the Universe for guidance. And, yes, much like the crazy person I am, I asked the Universe what I needed to know and what I needed to do. At this point, Acuyta is explaining about moving forward with grace and how, when we feel strongly about something, when we believe in something with our whole heart, some people may lose sight of the need for grace and compassion in favor of convincing others of their position. I'm no stranger to this - with my Mercury in Cancer opposite Neptune in Capricorn, my talent with words can often be combined with an almost preternatural gift of pinpointing another's weakness and fears. Mostly to hide how easily they could destroy me, if they wanted. My bark is worse than my bite, and I don't bark often anymore. And I feel defenseless. We'll circle back around to that idea but, first, my conversation with the mysterious sky spirits who live in my car. Specifically the radio, because many of my messages come in the form of music. And when I disconnected my phone, the song on the radio was Rihanna's "Love on the Brain."

You may notice this post is not about Rihanna. Don't get me wrong - her original version of "Love on the Brain" is a masterpiece and beautiful in its own right. But this is one of those rare occasions where I love the cover more. In fact, I love the cover so much that I wish he had done an actual recording of the whole song, not just a snippet for YouTube. During COVID lockdowns, to keep busy, MGK would call up his various celebrity/musician friends and ask them for a song request for him to cover. "Love on the Brain," inexplicably, was Marilyn Manson's suggestion. And the world is better for it.

There are few songs that express the pain of loving someone as exquisitely as "Love on the Brain." The best part of the song is that it is raw. The singer - whether it be Rihanna or MGK - is defenseless. It's important to note where each of the singers were when they either wrote or recorded this song. Rihanna was in a seriously abusive relationship with Chris Brown and in April 2020, MGK was falling in love (or was already in love) with someone who was still married (Megan Fox). In general, though, the song speaks to any type of situationship, where someone has fallen deep and the other person uses them (for sex, attention, to play a role in their life, favors, as a convenient punching bag) because they can. It's cruel. I read somewhere - probably in a pithy Instagram post - that the person who loves less has the power. I think this song is a testament to that, in some ways. Both Rihanna and MGK have strong Pisces placements and Pisces is associated with self-sacrifice and this idea that one would rather suffer if it means their loved ones would be happy. In the song, it's clear that the singer will take whatever the object of their affection is willing to give, even if it's only breadcrumbs.

And you got me like, oh

What you want from me? (What you want from me?)

And I tried to buy your pretty heart, but the price too high

Baby you got me like, oh, mm

You love when I fall apart (fall apart)

So you can put me together

And throw me against the wall

Love, if you ask the cynics, is just a complex cocktail of hormones and emotions, mostly driven by your own special psychological tragic backstory. I watched a TED talk once about a woman's experience trying to get over her ex. She went to a neuroscientist and they did scans of her brain. They showed her the parts of her brain that lit up when she thought of her ex and they said "we can get rid of this for you." But why? Why would you want to do that? Why would you want to "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" yourself? Did you even watch that movie?!!! The whole point of the movie is that, even though it's painful, that part is worth keeping. That love is worth keeping, even if it has ended, even if it tears you apart inside. Because most people don't really ever get the chance feel that deeply about anything. Maybe that's my Scorpio Moon talking.

The next song I want to talk about is the song MGK performed at the Billboard Music Awards a few weeks ago. It's a beautiful selection from his most recent album, "mainstream sellout," which was released this past March - a song aptly named, "twin flame." The whole Twin Flame thing has really grown in the past few years, especially in the spiritual community (you can't really avoid it now whereas you never heard of it before 2019). We can go into all the reasons it's problematic, chief among them is that it's a favorite lovebombing tactic of narcissists and other psychological abusers to tell someone that they're their "soulmate/twin flame" and, unconsciously, the victim/survivor accepts bad behavior out of some corrupted idea of this person being their one and only love. Nope, not going into that, because it makes me really sad and I love the romance between MGK and Megan Fox. It's beautiful and it's real and gives me faith that real love exists, so if they want to believe they're twin flames - fuck it! - they're twin flames. 

MGK wrote this song back before they truly started dating - around the same time he did the "Love on the Brain" cover I ranted about above - and you can tell he still feels this strongly (perhaps even more so) about her two years later. That's how I know it's real. They've both had a lot of time to get to know each other's authentic selves and, instead of being disappointed and let down, they seem even more in love. They don't fight - I'm sure they have disagreements but not relationship rupturing screaming matches. They both are publicly very supportive of each other's careers. Neither of them act jealous or possessive and when situations like that come up, they reaffirm their commitment to the other. MGK famously told a fan (who asked him to suck her toes) that "there's only one set of toes I'm sucking from now on." And you kind of get a taste of the depth of how much MGK loves Megan in the "twin flame" lyrics. 

Some context - Megan Fox was separated from her current husband (Brian Austin Green) when she met MGK. Now, they say their divorce was amicable - and it was, for the most part - but divorce is never pleasant. Green continually asserted that he still loved Megan and often used their children publicly to subtly manipulate her into feeling guilty for wanting a divorce. Something I'm sure MGK noticed because, when someone you love is hurting, how can you ignore it? Long story short, MGK and Megan's relationship started off as "It's Complicated." So that's what's encapsulated in the lyrics - a mix of emotions resulting from being in love with someone you can't quite be with (yet).

It's been six days since the last time

I saw your face and you asked my sign

I told you mine, I questioned why

And you said, "Everything's aligned"

On the first day, you told me

I was your twin flame from a past life

And tonight, the moon is full

So take me anywhere outside

I cannot kiss you yet, you're magic

So I'll just stare at you instead

I get insecure and panic

'Cause I know you're too pure for this

Let's talk about those lyrics, shall we? The song starts when Megan and MGK first met and it's been a few days since he's spent time with her. Megan is interested in spiritual topics (yes, she is the one that declared them to be "twin flames"), one of which being astrology. Now, I don't think she's a total student of astrology to the point where she'd take a 38-week class (like yours truly) but she probably knows enough to be dangerous. I think she probably asked for more than his sign, she probably asked him for his full birth data so she could pull up his chart. And, because he was truly head over heels, he probably hunted down his birth time so he could give it to her. So Astro-Girls, if he asks his mom what time he was born just so you can look up his moons or some shit, he's probably really into you....because most men don't do that for anyone (male astrologers are the exception, not the rule). They usually roll their eyes and act like astrology is weird or stupid. But if he's really interested, he'll want to know as much as he can just so he has a reason to talk to you, which clearly happened with MGK. 

Then there's the chorus. He clearly struggling to believe this is real, that he deserves to be in love and to have a good, healthy relationship with that person. Psychologists say that the most difficult relationship for a lot of people (especially those with traumatic or emotionally neglectful childhoods) is your first healthy one. It's counterintuitive. But a lot of people have been programmed to believe that abuse is love. And when someone shows up who loves them without abuse, they don't trust it. It seems either boring or really scary, and it brings up all sorts of triggers around self-worth. They often think they don't deserve real love, that there's something inherently unlovable and bad about themselves. Or they think it's an elaborate trick - that the other person is lying to them and pretending to love them. Eventually, they believe the other person will stop loving them - will betray them, leave them, hurt them - and they'll be alone. Again. The problem is that this sort of mindset is exactly what ends the healthy relationship. It's hard to love a brick wall, no matter how patient, kind, and loving a person is.

Clearly, MGK got his shit together and things worked out for him and Megan. And I'm here for it. I'm genuinely happy for them. I'm sharing the Billboard Music Awards performance but the album version is equally impactful. He shares a snippet from one of his and Megan's phone calls, where he's being vulnerable about how he feels and she tells him she loves him. It's sweet and very personal.

Back to reality (whoops, there goes gravity): I've been really going through it this Mercury Retrograde and Eclipse Season. It's left me feeling stupid, naïve, and drained. The shooting in Uvalde hit a little too close to home and I find myself both in deep grief and wholly enraged. And powerless, let's not forget that. I often use astrology as a meaning making system - we all need one. It helps, when I get frustrated with praying. I've been thinking about the transits to my chart lately. Saturn in going through the 9H and Uranus is wrecking up the 12H. Both Houses have connections to spirituality and deeply held beliefs. The 9H is what you believe on the surface, the 12H is the subconscious. And both are going through a major overhaul, it seems, and what I feel is an intense internal struggle. On the surface, I believe that, no matter what, you keep pushing, you keep working, and eventually, things will happen. All the power I need is within myself - this is a very Jupiter in Aries stance. I am the god of my reality. But underneath, I look around and I feel powerless to change things, even things I'm actively trying to change. It's a crisis of Faith. And I'm barely holding on sometimes but the only thing one can do to get through times like these is to put one foot in front of the other. It may not be much but the other option - standing still, staying stuck - has never appealed to me.

"exile" by Taylor Swift (feat. Bon Iver)

 After three years of celebrating, I think you know what today is. It's motherfucking T-Swift's birthday. And, like a boss, she dropped - not just one - but two new albums in the thick of this hot mess we call 2020. "folklore" was released on July 24 (7+2+4=13) and she put out "evermore" last week, on December 11 (which, weirdly enough, does not add up to 13). She's been keeping busy in her log cabin deep in the woods. At least, that's how I like to picture her - walking through the trees at dusk, sipping tea on her porch as the light filters through the leaves, writing songs by candlelight. In her own words, she just couldn't stop writing. I hear you, Taylor. Same, my dear, same. But I'll write more about that in my New Year's post. I haven't been able to sit down and fully listen through these albums yet. "Sister albums" as she called them, because the songs in them intertwine, continue, and reflect the stories in each other. I prefer to let myself discover them in my own time, because I know when I need it most, the right Taylor Swift song will float into my awareness and make things better. 

Let's get one thing perfectly straight - both of these albums are masterpieces. Swift is at her best when she's occupying the grey space between pop and country - squarely in indie folk music territory. The songs in these albums are vulnerable. She knows she's a complicated person, but she has been able to integrate her darkness with her light through her art in a way that so few learn how to do in this life. And, although she took inspiration from all over and she claims some of the stories she tells in her music are fictional, all the songs are strangely personal. People like to bash Swift - to make fun of her and revel in her failures to quell their own insecurities. They say she's not that remarkable. But she is. And as she softens with age and experience, she becomes even more unstoppable. 

I can see you standin', honey

With his arms around your body

Laughin' but the joke's not funny at all

And it took you five whole minutes

To pack us up and leave me with it

Holdin' all this love out here in the hall

"exile" is a collaboration with indie folk band, Bon Iver. And that's how you know T-Swift really is The Man - she's collaborated with some surprising musicians and people in the industry, no matter what genre of music they create, respect her talent. If you ain't shit, no one wants to work with you. That's just how it is. "exile" is perhaps the most critically acclaimed of all the songs on "folklore" and I can understand why. In just a few short weeks, it has become one of my Unskippables, an honor only one other Taylor Swift song can claim ("Everything Has Changed"). It's a duet - you know how I love duets - where we see both sides of a painful and unexpected breakup. Both sides are full of regret, still holding on to love, but seeing the situation as unfixable. Justin Vernon's (Bon Iver) soulful voice puts a lot of emotion into that first verse, but my favorite part is the vocalization afterwards. He sounds like a wolf howling and the sound is so sad, it tears at my heart. There's a wildness to it and I have an incurable soft spot for wild things. 

I can see you starin', honey

Like he's just your understudy

Like you'd get your knuckles bloody for me

Second, third, and hundredth chances

Balancin' on breaking branches

Those eyes add insult to injury

For Taylor's part, her lyrics are thoughtful and the words she chooses are heavy with meaning. For example, calling her new boyfriend the male singer's understudy. In theatre, we're taught the understudy is just as good, because they have to fill in the role when the main player can't be there. But in the back of your mind, you know that - if they were just as good - they would've been given the part outright. The understudy is a placeholder, and even though they may know the lines and how to play the part, there's just something missing. But it seems unfair to point it out. Even the title of song - "exile" - has a certain connotation. With a significant Cancer placement (Moon in Cancer), Swift associates Love with the feeling of home, of being safe, of being cared for - the deep intimacy of being privy to something intangible, that only you know. That is evident in the phrases she picks - "you were my town" and "you're not my homeland anymore." In this sense, exile is a very real feeling - of having been allowed deep into another's inner world, then being suddenly forced out. It is the unsettling discomfort of being unmoored, without an anchor, shoved into the wilderness without a compass. I'm mixing my metaphors, but you get it. 

So step right out

There is no amount

Of cryin' I can do for you

All this time

We always walked a very thin line

You didn't even hear me out (you didn't even hear me out)

You never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)

All this time

I never learned to read your mind (never learned to read my mind)

I couldn't turn things around (you never turned things around)

'Cause you never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)

So many signs

So many signs (you didn't even see the signs)

In the chorus, you can especially hear the hurt on both sides. There's a lack of closure. The relationship feels unfinished. Neither felt fully heard at the end but then, it doesn't sound like they even tried listening first. And reading minds - that'll just get you in trouble. If you want to know what someone's thinking, the only way to do that is to ask. And if you want someone to know what you're thinking, you've got to speak up. Something I'm trying to learn, after a lifetime of trying to read minds and anticipate everyone else's needs - and expecting them to do the same then feeling disappointed when they miss the mark. I'm particularly drawn to the seeming double meaning in Swift's use of signs. I don't think she's just referring to her attempts to get him to meet her needs. "folklore" and "evermore" are rife with symbolism, both in the songs and in the videos she's created for the singles so far. In her latest single, "willow," the video references the Golden Thread of Fate, a concept in Greek mythology that assumes every human is following their own Destiny, which is ultimately unavoidable. You can delay it, but the Universe will always keep trying to push you towards that end. In the video, it is shown connecting Taylor to her True Love (within the fantasy world she's created for these two albums). It's been a rough decade but clearly Swift still believes in fairy tales, love stories, and soul mates. No matter how many times her heart has been broken.

Swift's next year should be pretty interesting. Like myself, she has an eclipse falling very close to her birthday (solar eclipse in Sagittarius on 14 December), which is coinciding with the official end of her Saturn return (natal Saturn in Capricorn) and the Saturn-Jupiter conjunction in Aquarius will be conjunct her natal Venus in Aquarius. Yes, she should have a good year ahead of her indeed. Sharing the official lyrics video for "exile" - Taylor Swift is one of the artists that is really diligent about putting out her own lyrics videos when her albums are released. It's a really intelligent practice for two reasons - 1. She gets the views (and the money) from people watching and listening to her songs on YouTube, not some rando who spends 5 minutes with free video editing software; and 2. it allows her to control the narrative and aesthetic of the album, something she is meticulous about. Enjoy!

"exile" Video

"I Always Knew" by The Vaccines

I finally finished "New Girl." I have a feeling it's going to be one of my comfort shows, like "Parks & Rec." A comfort show or movie is something we keep going back to because it makes us feel better during hard times. It gives us a sense of optimism and hope. Or maybe it indulges a desire for nostalgia. Or maybe we just learn something about ourselves every time we watch it, because the lessons we gain from them change as we age. For example, every time she has a breakup in the show, Jess Day watches "Dirty Dancing." Now, I don't recall ever having seen "Dirty Dancing" (it's on the list), but presumably, she watches it to remind herself that True Love exists and it fulfills her desire for romance during a lonely time. "New Girl" has many things to love about it. It stars Zooey Deschanel, another woman who I both love to look at and would love to look like (and if I could have her singing voice, too, that'd be great). The dialogue is both hilarious and relatable. The characters are complex and evolve along with the story. The show is actually fairly music-oriented (that's Deschanel's influence as an EP) and, as a result, has been able to attract notable cameos, such as T-Swift and Prince (who is an avid fan of the show). And, it's possibly one of the most realistic interpretations of the Friends to Lovers trope I've ever seen, which happens to be my favorite romance trope. I apologize in advance - this post is going to get a little ranty.

Nick and Jess. Jess and Nick. They are the quintessential millennial sitcom couple. They complement each other remarkably well without being the exact same person, which is what makes them so believable. They're like PB&J or grilled cheese, if we're using sandwich similes. From the first episode, it was so obvious, but that's what made it fun. It was obvious to everyone but them. Then they finally got together and it was amazing. And then they broke up and it sucked, but they stayed friends. Of course, I read somewhere that if you're still friends with your exes, you're either still in love or you never were. Or you're a sociopath (which I think fits the latter category). However, in Jess and Nick's case, it was the former and they ended up together in the end. This song was featured at the end of the Season 2 finale, when Nick and Jess decide to try to have a relationship and they ride off into the sunset (to Mexico....it's a long story). We'll talk more about the song later but, for now, I'm going to walk through just a few of my favorite Nick & Jess moments from "New Girl." Key show clips are linked.

• The First Kiss:  During a game of True American (a confusing drinking game invented by the show creators), Nick and Jess are dared to kiss. When they are getting ready to lock lips, Nick stops Jess with a simple "Not like this," which we all know means he's pictured their first kiss before and he knows he wants it to be special. Later that night, he grabs Jess and pulls her into one of the hottest kisses I've ever seen on network television. That's not to say it isn't problematic - he didn't ask her consent and, at the time, she's in a committed relationship with Dr. Sam. But, as far as first kisses go, it's pretty sexy. But I like it when a guy takes charge like that so I'm biased.
• Love at First Sight: During their first relationship, Jess convinces Nick he should try to be friends with his ex, Caroline. However, as soon as she finds out he's dating Jess, Caroline goes psycho-bitch because she assumes he was cheating with Jess when they were going out. Jess explains the timeline of their relationship to show that this isn't true and Caroline calms down. But later, Nick apologizes to Caroline because Jess was the reason he broke up with her because he fell in love with Jess the moment he met her. Majorly romantic moment.
• Saying I Love You: Nick tells Jess that he loves her as she drives away to attend a party at Prince's house. Instead of saying it back, Jess gives him finger guns. Throughout the episode, Jess spends a lot of time talking to Prince to figure out why she did that, because she loves Nick, too.
• Julius Pepperwood and Jessica Night:  As all writers do, the characters in Nick's novel are based on the people in his life, the most important of which is Jess. When his editor suggests killing off Jessica Night in the next Pepperwood novel for dramatic effect, Nick puts his foot down. In his defense of his fictional character, he declares that "Jessica Night is the whole reason Pepperwood gets out of bed everyday," a statement which also reflects how he feels about Jess. It's also important to note that, instead of dedicating his first book to Reagan (his girlfriend) - who encouraged him to join her in New Orleans, which inspired him so much - the dedication is to Jess.
• Jess Truly Sees Nick: During Schmidt's wedding, Nick is anxious about starting a relationship with Reagan (Megan Fox) because he doesn't think he's in her league. In his own words, he calls himself the guy girls date to learn they can do so much better. When he says this, Jess gets pissed off, because she's tired of him getting down on himself because the Nick she sees is amazing.
• Nick's Biggest Fan: Reagan arranges for Nick to do a reading of "The Pepperwood Chronicles" but he has a panic attack. Reagan, who is Nick's girlfriend at the time, asks Jess for advice on how to help Nick through it because she's not good at comforting people. Jess tells Reagan what she would say, which is this long, lovely diatribe of how he's talented and special. Reagan tries to replicate Jess's touching words but it's clear that she doesn't come close. 

There are like a zillion more I'd like to point out but I've already wasted enough of your time. Long story short - "New Girl" is a great show and it's a quick watch, despite spanning 7 seasons.

Now, let's talk about the song. I love the styling of post-punk surf rock. There's something vintage about the sound that gives it a timelessness regardless of when it was initially released. This song reminds me of my favorite track on the "Velvet Goldmine" soundtrack, mostly due to the British lilt in the singer's voice. In stereotypical surf rock fashion, "I Always Knew" opens with that plucky guitar reverb and then goes in with a strong drum line. I combed the song meaning forums for an adequate lyrics interpretation. Some people think it's about a guy who is head over heels for a girl he just met or it's about a guy who is realizing he's in love with a friend but is afraid to take the next step. I proffer that it's a "When Harry Met Sally" situation - two people have been friends for ages. Then something happens to escalate the situation into more and they can't go back. And the singer is dizzy and confused about how he's feeling but - in the back of his mind - he "always knew" there was something there. Although it's an extremely metaphorical visual interpretation, the video seems to confirm my theory.

I try my best to unwind

Nothing on my mind but you

Oblivious to all that I'll owe

I'm hanging on

To what I don't know

So let's go to bed

Before you say something real

Let's go to bed

Before you say how you feel

COVID Update:  My first week back at work was both exhilarating and exhausting. It was exciting because I love the work I do and it was wonderful being around people again. But returning to work also means finding myself embroiled in a lot of the drama that I enjoyed being away from during maternity leave. I do a lot of emotional labor for my coworkers. Probably too much. I walk into work and instantly, everyone wants to talk to me. Most days it feels good because it reminds me I'm needed. On those rare days, though, it feels like keeping to myself and just focusing on the task in front of me (instead being distracted by the questions and needs of everyone else) is a luxury I can't afford. To add to this overwhelming sense of obligation, I feel like I forgot a lot of simple work things during maternity leave. I find myself saying "And how do I do that again?" Or "Yeah, so who should I talk to about that?" It's good for me, though. I'm practicing asking for help, which I am terrible at. In many ways, it's like learning to walk, because being vulnerable with people (asking for help is "weak") is not usually easy for me.

It's also hard to be away from my babies. It wasn't as hard going back to work this time (hardly any tears) because they're being taken care of by their dad, but I can't help feeling guilty. I made a choice to come back to work a bit early and I don't regret that choice, but at the same time, it feels selfish (even if it's not). I'm finally really starting to feel bonded to the baby, which is a relief. That was the scariest part of PPD - I usually have so much love for everyone, especially my children, and I suddenly felt nothing. It's better now and keeps getting better. I occasionally catch myself using distancing language so I'm trying to be cognizant of that. Using his name instead of calling him "the baby," making sure to include the "I" in "I love you," referring to myself as "mama/mommy," and making sure I'm talking directly to him (rather than just talking about him). These seem like tiny, trivial things but they matter. They're essential for a child to grow up feeling seen, heard, and understood. It's something I didn't get much of from my mother. Part of overcoming childhood trauma is trying to do better for my kids - trying to rewrite the story. I deserved better but I didn't get it and that sucks. But I don't have to repeat the cycle with the next generation. In fact, it's my duty as a mom to not do that.

"I Always Knew" Video

"Photograph" by Ed Sheeran

I've been struggling for the past couple of weeks, since the baby was born. Apparently, postpartum depression (PPD) can start while you're still pregnant, which puts everything I was feeling since last February in perspective. Things I thought I was managing well became absolutely unbearable in those first few days in the hospital (and further exacerbated by the strict COVID precautions). Then we had some trouble with my newborn losing weight and I was genuinely scared they weren't going to release us. Since then, I've just been feeling so guilty and disconnected, it's been hard to take care of myself. My doctor prescribed some medication - I'm debating whether or not I should take them. I know medication can work, but it's only one piece of the puzzle. Part of me says I should just white-knuckle through and try to manage with just therapy, because I've been through tough times before and I've never needed medication. And I know how sideways things can go when someone is prescribed the wrong psychotropic drug. I'm not sure that's a risk I want to take. I'm not convinced OB/GYNs know enough about perinatal psychiatry to go around writing prescriptions. Some days, I have good moments. Moments, mind you. Not full days yet. I just want to feel happy again. I should feel happier.

Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes

But it's the only thing that I know

When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes

It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

We keep this love in a photograph

We made these memories for ourselves

Where our eyes are never closing

Hearts are never broken

And time's forever frozen still

True to form, I've been trying to cheer myself up by watching and reading romantic stories. I'm rereading "Pride & Prejudice" for the 5th time in my life and even deigned to watch the Kiera Knightly film adaptation (which, aside from the historical costuming inaccuracies, really isn't that bad - I've watched it twice in the past few months). I've also been consumed by the book "Me Before You" and its subsequent film adaptation, for which "Photograph" was used in the trailer. From the beginning, it's a doomed romance. A woman is hired to be a companion for a quadriplegic who wants to die. His family is trying to change his mind, of course, and that's part of the reason they bring on Louisa. To convince him there are still things worth living for, even if it's not the life he wanted. Louisa falls in love with him, despite knowing he has a date with an assisted suicide clinic. There's a bit of this childish hope in Louisa, clinging to a belief that "Love conquers all." When Will ultimately chooses to go through with his plan, it's not because he doesn't love Louisa. He does. But he wants her to have a life he can't give her (which she honestly doesn't care about - she's willing to make it work). He still wants a life he'll never have again. Even though she doesn't agree with it, Lou chooses to be with him in his last moments. And I think that's what characterizes a doomed romance the most. There's a moment where the characters have a choice between the destined path and the interpreted path. They both have to choose the destined path to get a chance at the fairytale happy ending. To quote Leo in "Titanic," "if you jump, I jump." In a doomed romance, they choose opposite paths - i.e., one or both choose the interpreted path - which takes them apart. Not to be mistaken with the Tragic Romance, in which they both choose the Destined Path but are torn apart by external forces (i.e., Romeo & Juliet, Titanic, Tristan & Isolde). Will Trainor didn't have to die, he chose to die, even when presented with a happy alternative life with Louisa.

The reason Will Trainor gives for going through with his original decision is something most of us don't want to hear - Love isn't enough. Sometimes it's not enough to keep going, it's not enough to stay, it's not enough to change someone's mind, it's not enough to make people change. It's not enough to stop Death or cure illness (physical or mental) or fix past mistakes. And this hurts because, deep in our hearts, we believe something as powerful as Love should be able to do all that. The question a Doomed Romance presents us is - if you knew from the start things would end this way, would you still have fallen in love? I've been watching a YouTube series by Screened which examines the question "what is the point of a doomed romance?" through the analysis of several excellent films. The main "point" of these romances, according to Screened, is for the inner growth of the main character. The relationship and its subsequent failure(s) serves to awaken something in the protagonist. In "500 Days of Summer," Tom was idealizing his relationship with Summer to avoid the very real lack of purpose in his life. In "Lost in Translation," both characters are lacking deep connections in their lives. In "Me Before You," Louisa was playing it safe - in love and life - out of fear of being hurt again. The point is these characters get a renewed outlook on life - they come out of the doomed romance wiser, braver, and stronger than they were before. The romance becomes a vehicle for personal growth in these stories.

When I'm away, I will remember how you kissed me

Under the lamppost back on Sixth street

Hearing you whisper through the phone,

"Wait for me to come home"

None of this has anything to do with the song, of course. Ed Sheeran has two types of songs - catchy pop love songs and songs that sound like they were specifically written for people to choose as their wedding song. Even when he collaborates, he follows this basic pattern. "Photograph" fits in the latter category, as you may have guessed. I like to play it when I'm feeding the baby, when I'm not singing to him. This song, right now, makes me cry a lot. I don't know why. Probably because it's fucking Ed Sheeran. The song is about staying connected during a long-distance relationship. Or I suppose it's applicable whenever you have to be away from someone and you only have a photograph to remember them by. 

"Photograph" Video

"Hands Down" by Dashboard Confessional

For me, Dashboard Confessional is one of those bands whose songs all sound the same to me. This can be a good thing, if you like the music the band makes and you don't have a high requirement for novelty and variety (I do). "Hands Down," which was released officially in 2003, is probably their biggest hit and the song that got them played on mainstream radio. Most people probably can't even name another song by them. The name Dashboard Confessional brings to mind long conversations in cars with boys - and it's supposed to. Chris Carrabba grew up in Boca Raton and a lot of their music is about being a "townie" in a city that exists only because it has a beautiful beach and comes to life in the summer only to die every year when the pretty rich girls go home. Roughly around Labor Day weekend, so good timing. In his own words, Carrabba "fell in love" every summer, sometimes a half dozen times or more. Sounds like his teenage years were a lot more fun than mine.

Breathe in for luck,

Breathe in so deep,

This air is blessed,

You share with me.

This night is wild,

So calm and dull,

These hearts they race,

From self control.

Your legs are smooth,

As they graze mine,

We're doing fine,

We're doing nothing at all.

Dashboard Confessional, to me, falls into a category that I like to call "Angsty Chad" Rock - it's populated by bands like the All-American Rejects, Jimmy Eat World, Secondhand Serenade, and The Spill Canvas. Not dark enough to truly be called Emo, but not hardcore enough to be Punk (or what the 90s considered punk, at least), but also not serious enough to be Alternative Rock. It certainly flirts with that line, though. All the music sounds like it was made for a High School Movie soundtrack but it's not interesting enough to be Barenaked Ladies but also not boring enough to be Dave Matthew's Band. That's right, someone had to say it. Dave Matthews' Band sucks. You know who the Angsty Chad is - it's the regular guy who sort of fits in the popular crowd but he thinks he's different because he's also smart and sensitive. He even plays guitar, when he's not writing poems about cheerleaders. Style-wise, he's a step above the Average Dude and on-par with the Standard Chad, except less polos and pastels. Stylistically, he's closer to being a Hipster, but his clothes fit looser, like Grunge (except he clearly showers and wears a tasteful amount of Drakkar Noir). He's nowhere close to being a Metrosexual but he understands how to dress himself. He wears an undershirt/t-shirt under an open short-sleeved button down with jeans, most of the time, but - if he's feeling dangerous - he might rock a jean jacket with a detachable hood. He might even pair it with some Doc Marten's but he'll probably be wearing Converse because - let's face it - he's not that cool. Have I painted a good picture yet? You know this guy. You might've even dated this guy. And he makes semi-decent music.

My hopes are so high,

That your kiss might kill me.

So won't you kill me,

So I die happy.

My heart is yours to fill or burst,

To break or bury,

Or wear as jewellery,

Whichever you prefer.

The thing I like best about "Hands Down" is the lyrics are visceral. I'm still working my way through "The Body Keeps Score" but one of the big takeaways so far is knowing that the strongest memories aren't fully narrative. They are brief images, smells, tactile feelings, emotions - which is exactly what Chris Carrabba uses to convey the experience of what he considers one of the best nights of his life. These things are fragmented in the telling but by bringing them together, they pull together a cohesive narrative - something that most people are familiar with. The anxiety of chemistry, the high of falling into love, then ending with the relief of it being reciprocated. There's this phrase that gets beaten into you in school about writing narratives - "Show, Don't Tell." And, as annoying as it is, it's the most seminal piece of advice you need to understand, not just for writing, but for any other art as well. You have to let your reader/viewer insert their own imagination and experiences in order to capture their interest and bring them into the story. The best novels, poems, movies, and song lyrics are able to do this. Most of the battle is getting your audience to feel something and any number of literary sins can be erased if you're able to engage someone to understand something deep inside. To help them discover a truth about themselves they didn't realize was there. Showing, at least in written mediums, also helps them to build the world in their head. That was sort of the purpose of describing the Angsty Chad. Hopefully, not only could you picture how he looks, but also - from the details I gave - how he smells, talks, and even behaves, because you can reference the information from your own experiences, both from real life and pop culture.

You were picturing this guy, weren't you?
It's okay, you can admit it.....

The ending lyric struck me - "And you kissed me like you meant it/And I knew that you meant it/That you meant it." In particular, it brings up a scene in one of my favorite books, "Stranger in a Strange Land." In it, Valentine Michael Smith is in the process of orienting to living on Earth and he's been studying human behavior. He's fascinated by kissing, which is something the Martians didn't have an equivalent for. He practices on Gillian and she swoons, because she's never been kissed like that before. Smith kissed her as if all of his attention, all of his focus, was only on kissing her. As such, it was the most intense and passionate thing she's ever experienced. Among other things, that was a profound lesson I took away from the book and I try to remember it - not just when I'm kissing someone but also when I'm doing other things. The lyric also brought to mind this idea of knowing how someone feels about you when they kiss you, which is a trope in American pop culture, made popular by "The Shoop Shoop Song." It also got me thinking about the absurd boundary Julia Roberts' character has around kissing her clients in "Pretty Woman." She will do anything except kiss on the mouth, because it's "too intimate." And, while I agree kissing can be quite intimate depending on the partner, it seems like a inadvisable line to draw for a prostitute, especially when working for a client who essentially asked for what has been deemed "The Girlfriend Experience," in which french kissing would be considered part of the package. And we're led to believe that when she breaks this boundary with Richard Gere, that's because she's in love. It's bizarre, because we know that sexual intimacy does not require emotional intimacy and vice versa (although the lines are much more blurred for those of us who have Touch as one of our primary love languages). That being said, I do believe you can tell how someone feels about you by how they kiss you - if they seem like they're distracted or seem like they're just doing it to make you happy, that's a pretty good indicator. It's not hard to lose yourself in a kiss when you're deeply connected to someone, but it's nearly impossible to meet that intensity if you're not.

One of my favorite apps - "The Pattern" - added a new feature called Bonds in which you can explore what your hypothetical "bond" with  people - both celebrities and actual friends - would be.

Not to brag but Taylor Swift and I would be close friends. Additionally, Sebastian Stan and I are highly compatible and have an "ideal relationship dynamic." It's never going to happen but it's fun to try out. I wasted one of my "bonds" on finding out our romantic compatibility - totally worth it. 10/10 would do again, only this time with Henry Cavill. On a more serious note, I have always had this deeply held belief that we are all interconnected. In fact, "Interconnectivity" was one of my Top 5 leadership strengths when I did a team-building seminar as Treasurer of my university's Residence Hall Association. It doesn't surprise me that I'd have a strong theoretical bond with T-Swift because I can feel that deep understanding when I listen to her music. We might not be friends IRL but her artistic presence is obviously important in my life. I don't need to know or have anything more than that. I think we instinctively know what's for us and what's not - including people and the roles they are supposed to fill in our lives - the problem is we ignore that intuition because of trends or societal norms or some misguided vision of what we're supposed to be/do/think. I have more thoughts on this but - to avoid every post from becoming a rant on spirituality, intuition, purpose, and "The Great Work," it's best I end here.

Post note: I've been meaning to publish this for days but I've been too exhausted to do the usual "finishing touches." For Labor Day weekend, I intended to clean up the house to prepare for Baby [Name Redacted] - not nesting, just super aware of what needs to be done before I have the baby, which may be a week early if my OB and I decide a repeat C-section is in my best interest (unfortunately, 39 weeks falls exactly on the day that Saturn conjunct Pluto is square Mars...nice timing, Doc). I ended up sleeping most of the day on Monday, which I hate doing. As a rule, I hate sleeping more than the recommended 7-8 hours a night, because I like being awake. Unfortunately, I've had the worst insomnia/sleep of my life this week and yesterday, I was at the point where I was so exhausted, I was shaking. The only time I've been that tired is right after I had my first child. After another sleepless night, I decided to take this morning off to rest - I'd like to say it helped but I know it's just a temporary fix. I know I'm doing too much but I can't help it - someone has to do these things. My body is just hitting a wall that I have to push through - trying to remember the old adage that it doesn't matter how slow you go, the point is to keep going. Just one more month.

"Hands Down" Video

"Stupid Girl" by Cold

I've been listening to a lot of loud, somewhat angry music lately. This song came up in my playlist recently. It's an older one from a band I used to listen to in high school. It struck me because - ostensibly - it's a love song. That's actually a common topic for music, especially male-dominated bands - the angry love song. A distinction - these are different from break-up songs and unrequited love songs because the subject the person is singing about often loves the singer back or, at least, reciprocates their affections in some way. No, the singer is angry because his love for the person causes him to actually take a deep look at himself - to face his own emotions, behaviors, and habits - and sometimes, he doesn't like what he sees. This is not something society encourages men to do. In fact, a lot of our programming tells them to actively avoid this level of self-reflection. So when he encounters a trigger that forces him to do so - i.e., the object of his affection - it can manifest as anger towards the person.

What's the source of this anger? Well, many things. Feeling powerless and weak (and therefore, resentful) that he needs and wants this person around all the time, especially at first. Shame at the sexual urges he has towards someone who he sees as pure and good (because society has taught us that sex is an act of denigration, not of love). I would classify the song "Closer" by NIN in this category for this reason. Guilt for not being able to protect or provide for their person. I heard in a psychology lecture that love, for men, often manifests as a strong protection instinct. A man will do anything to protect someone he loves, even if the thing he has to protect them from is himself. This reminds me of the ending scene of "The Butterfly Effect." Ashton Kutcher keeps going back in time to prevent the woman he loves from a life of suffering. Keep in mind, he remembers all the timelines when he jumps so he starts to recognize a pattern in all of them. Ultimately, what he has to do is make it so she will never be close to him. Ever. So when he sees the woman on the street in the final timeline, after they both grow up to be successful, functional adults, he keeps on walking. Because he ain't going to risk it. It's complicated but I think I'm starting to understand it.

I can't take this

Born to break this

She's going away (She's going away)

What's wrong with my life today?

She's going away (She's going away)

What's wrong with my life today?

In tarot and astrological circles, 2020 has been touted as the Year of the Emperor, which is a fancy way of saying the collective focus is shifting onto masculine energies. With Mars moving into Aries conjunct Chiron, the next half of the year has a special emphasis on the Wounded Masculine. In particular, we're going to be collectively working on how this energy can be distorted, the effects of this distortion, and how to correct it on an individual and collective scale. There is nothing inherently bad about Masculine energy, just as there is nothing inherently bad about Feminine energy. It is how it is channeled, manipulated, and used that causes problems. For the sake of explanation, please note that I'm using Masculine and Feminine in the sense of Hermetic polarities. All things have both energies in varying degrees. Some things/people may have more of one polarity than the other but the ultimate goal is to balance the polarities overall, to bring harmony to the Universe. It has nothing to do with boy vs girl, although we tend to think of men having more masculine energy and women having more feminine energy. This is not always the case, by any means, and regardless of what you believe your personal mix of polarities is, it would be foolish to cultivate one but neglect the other. In order to have balance, you must work to improve and perfect both.

In order to go forward, let's give a basic definition of the Masculine polarity (in Hermeticism). It is an active energy with special emphasis discipline, focus, order, justice, honor, physical strength, and physical courage. Whereas the Feminine is the receptive energy, the Masculine is the providing energy. It's primarily ruled by logic, reason, and rationality. (Going back to the above discussion, this is how men get to the point of staying away from their lover to keep them safe - s/he needs to be protected from being hurt; I hurt her/him, therefore s/he needs to be protected from me. Makes perfect sense from a logical standpoint.) The Divine Masculine within us is a protector and a leader.

I'm a loner, I'm a loser

I'm a winner in my mind

I'm a bad one, I'm a good one

I'm a sick one with a smile

One of the spiritual accounts I follow on Twitter tweeted something that caught my imagination - it was something to the effect of "the Feminine [polarity/energy] resents an ineffective Masculine." So what makes our inner masculine "ineffective?" Well, it starts with not protecting ourselves - not speaking up for our own best interests (protecting needs and boundaries) or standing by our beliefs and principles (maintaining discipline and honor). It's not backing up our words with our actions. It manifests as not following through with our goals or going after what we say we want. It's not having the courage to ask for what we want in the first place. It's not expressing our individuality or letting ourselves be overpowered by another's opinion of us. In these circumstances, it represses the Divine Feminine as well, because she represents our creative force and inner wisdom. She is counting on the Divine Masculine to act on her intuitive insights, to trust her guidance. If the Masculine is stuck in a place of fear and inaction, the Feminine could be screaming "this is what you want and this is what you need to get it" and it wouldn't matter. She goes unheard because the will to act is simply not there. And nothing makes the Feminine more resentful than feeling unheard, misunderstood, and disrespected (*cough*Lilith and Eris will also be conjunct in Aries*cough*).

Final question: So how do we strengthen and support our inner Divine Masculine? I'd rather not leave you with "just don't do those things I listed" but that's essentially it. A lot of the work is getting clear on what you want - define, in no uncertain terms, your desires, needs, and boundaries. Going a step further, define what your principles and beliefs are - and then act on them. For example, I believe that all people deserve to be treated with kindness and respect and I strive to have my actions reflect that. Next step is defining your goals, choosing one or two, and put a plan in place to meet them. Simple example - you want to live a healthier lifestyle. Write down what a healthy lifestyle would look like for you - drinking more water, eating more veggies, cutting down on alcohol, meditating everyday, exercising a specified amount of time each week, etc. Then start taking steps that help you meet that goal and track your progress. Nothing encourages and supports discipline and accountability like keeping records, whether that be in the form of an app, taking selfies every day, or keeping a bullet journal for your new habits. Speak your Truth. Nurture and protect your inner Divine Feminine - if she gives you an intuitive insight, don't ignore it. Take note of it, think on it, and act on it, if need be. Cultivate creativity and curiosity, seek out Beauty. Follow where she leads, because she's doing it to support your efforts to live in accordance with your Highest Self (which you just defined in the previous steps I mentioned). Finally, remember that this is an on-going and iterative process. Failure is a mindset, not a conclusion. You will fuck up - what matters most is you acknowledge that you fucked up and then you keep going anyway.

"Stupid Girl" Video

"Too Much" by The Spice Girls

When this post is published - because I'm scheduling this one to publish at the exact time of the New Moon just to be extra - it will mark the Sun's ingress into Cancer and a total annular solar eclipse at 0° Cancer, which just happens to be exactly on my natal Venus. Fun times. No seriously - this is my season and, as far as I'm concerned, Cancer season is the best season. I chose "Too Much" by The Spice Girls because Cancerians can get a little nostalgic and what's more nostalgic than 1997? There's also a lot of crazy astrological stuff going on in the second half of 2020. I've been listening to professional astrologers' forecast and - whoo, boy! - if you thought the first half of 2020 sucked, I've got some bad news for you. And it all kicks off with this eclipse here. I'll go into why I chose this particular Spice Girls song later on - although it is my favorite Spice Girls song, it does legit address some of the major themes the eclipse this morning highlights and questions/concerns that we'll be further underscored throughout the rest of the year. As I said, there's a lot going on just within this first month of the second half of 2020 so I'll just jump into it. Quick forewarning - while I'm writing this, I've already plugged in some skeleton notes and, needless to say, this is going to be a long post. Buckle up.

Love is blind, as far as the eye can see

Deep and meaningless, words to me

Easy lover, I need a friend

Road to nowhere, twist and turns but will this never end

Well my dear you'll know that he pleases me (eases me)

But short term solution ain't no resolution

There ain't no release for me

First, let's just address the elephant in the room - Mercury went retrograde in Cancer on Thursday. Personally - and I say this as someone who has natal Mercury Retrograde in Cancer - this is the least of our worries. It might actually be a good thing. The themes of this retrograde, especially since it partially overlaps the Venus Retrograde and joins a bunch of other planets in retrograde motion, are very heart-based. The big question we're being asked is "Am I living authentically from my heart?" What does that mean? Well, there's a lot that goes into that question but it deals mostly with living with integrity. Are we acting in accordance with our core principles? Are we being honest with ourselves and others about how we feel? Especially when it comes to patterns and relationships that seem like they're on repeat. Cancer energy tends to be nostalgic, focusing on the good things, while ignoring the bad. It tends to make people with Cancer placements very loyal to those they love. But this can often be to their detriment, especially when they're in situation where the majority of the time, they feel unappreciated and unloved. They allow the positives of the past override the reality of the present. Cancer placements also have tendency to want to be giving but have difficulty receiving and thus, may not voice their needs and boundaries. As a result, resentment can build but the other person will have no idea. Mercury Retrograde is here to give us the push we need to identify what needs aren't being met and re-evaluate if they can be met given the current situation. I've been struck by the first line in MCR's "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" - "Well, if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say." If you want honesty, you have to give it to yourself first.

Cancer has a reputation of being the sign of emotions. As a result, Cancer natives get branded as too sensitive, cry-babies, irrational, and various other things. But being in tune with our emotions can give us powerful insight to drive us forward in our lives. Emotions - yes, negative ones, too - are telling us something important about how our body is processing an experience. Anger is telling us we feel our needs, desires, and boundaries are being dishonored and disregarded by another's actions. Resentment is signaling that we are doing things to please someone else, not because we wanted to do it. That we said "yes" because we feared the potential consequences of saying "no," and by doing so, we ignored our own boundaries. Sadness and depression are often signs that we don't have ownership over our lives or we aren't on our desired life path. It's a sign we might need to make a difficult change, not just in the physical world but in our mental and emotional world as well.

The Mercury Retrograde - in conjunction with Venus in Gemini - is calling our attention to what Julia Cameron calls "crazymakers" in "The Artist's Way." What is a crazymaker? Simply put, it's a person who forcefully makes themselves the center of our attention, even when you need to prioritize yourself. Especially when you need to prioritize yourself. They have a tendency to drag us into their drama or make us feel guilty about our accomplishments, as if our success takes away from them somehow. Everything you do - good or bad - is always a reflection on them. And thus, trying to voice your needs or boundaries is an affront to them, which results in them devising ways of trying to keep you from your goals. Things that may seem innocuous at first, like demanding you something for them even though you set aside the time to work on a personal project (these are usually things that can wait until you're finished, not emergencies). In short, they are effective at making us feel like we're "crazy" or even worse, that we're a bad person if we don't immediately give in to them. The big question to ask yourself is, "how does this person make me feel?"  This question will force us to really compare whether someone is living in integrity. Do their words match their actions and do their actions match their emotions? Mercury Retrograde in Cancer is here to remind you that you're not being too sensitive. Your needs are your needs and if you make the effort to communicate what they are and someone still disregards them, that's your sign something is wrong with your relationship with this person. Inconsistency in how someone treats you should always be a red flag.

Unwrap yourself from around my finger

Hold me too tight or left to linger

Something fine built to last

Slipped up there I guess we're running out of time too fast

Yes my dear you know he soothes me (moves me)

There's no complication there's no explanation

It's just a groove in me

Let's move onto the eclipse, which I'm going to interpret from a more personal perspective, as a demonstration of how to use transits as an analytical tool. It's exactly conjunct with my natal Venus (at 0° Cancer), which also happens to fall on my Ascendant-Descendant axis. Right away, I can tell that the themes this eclipse will awaken (for me) has to do with how I approach the way I relate to others and the effect on how I view myself. Since Venus is currently in Gemini, also hopping around my Ascendant-Descendant axis, my needs in relationships (both with others and myself) are even further underscored. Hence why I chose "Too Much." This song is about a woman (or five) who is moving from relationship to relationship but not ever exactly getting what she needs. But she doesn't want to be single, so she often finds herself settling. One guy is great in bed but she doesn't enjoy hanging out with him otherwise. Another guy is inconsistent in how he treats her - first he's clingy, now he's distant. The harsh truth is she doesn't know what she wants so she doesn't really know what she's looking for when she's dating. She allows things to progress into a full relationship even when she knows something is missing. She wants the full package but she's not willing to stay single until she finds it. So what is the full package? Well, I don't think it's that hard. Amazing sex, even better conversation, dependability, and someone who can stand on their own. Cancer placements are nurturers, but there's a big difference between nurturing and mothering. Someone who mothers you does things for others because they don't think they're capable of doing it for themselves; someone who nurtures you does things for others because they want to, because taking care of a person is how they show care (Acts of Service, if you know about Love Languages). They know you can do something yourself, they just want to make life a little easier for you. Yes, I'm a big Acts of Service person, but Touch and Quality Time are tied in a close second and third. I could care less about Gifts or Words - if you're not holding me (among other things), spending time with me, or trying to help me with the zillion things I'm embroiled in, your words and gifts don't mean jack. I can buy my own shit and I talk to myself almost constantly so....that's that on that.

What part of no don't you understand (understand, understand)

I want a man, not a boy who thinks he can

Boy who thinks he can

Finally, Mars will be moving into Aries and will be hanging out there due to a retrograde until early 2021. I haven't talked about Aries much but there's a lot of things to love about this sign. It's the sign of creativity, independence, courage, and passion. It's big stand up for yourself energy. It's also big stand up for others and what you believe in energy. Mars is at home (i.e., in domicile) in Aries and when a planet is in its home sign, you can expect that the subjects of that planet to be amplified. For Mars, this means War, Anger, Sexuality, Protection/Defense, and Goals. All of the things that we've been ruminating on and reviewing during the Mercury and Venus Retrogrades - and the major shifts we experienced collectively with the Saturn-Pluto conjunction - will come to the forefront while Mars is in Aries. And we'll finally have the energy and courage to do something about it! It's also important to note that Mars will be making some harsh squares against the conjunctions in Capricorn and this tends to manifest as a shakeup to the foundations of institutions. And I mean ALL institutions. Big Government. Big Pharma. Big Finance. Big Geology. The Military-Industrial Complex. The Church. Marriage. With Uranus in Taurus, which will be the biggest influence ruling over the 2020 decade, anything with shaky foundations may crumble. On a personal note, Mars in Aries will be loosely conjunct with the asteroids Chiron, Eris, and Lilith. These have a reputation as troublemakers. Eris is the Goddess of Discord (another one of my favorites) and she brings a lot of righteous anger to the table and buried resentments may come to head during these next six months. Lilith is about the ways we feel repressed and unappreciated, especially sexually - if needs and desires aren't being acknowledged, Mars will ignite these slights in explosive ways. And finally, Chiron represents our inner wounding - in Aries, this wound manifests as feeling as if we are not allowed to be ourselves. If you haven't been living in integrity and authenticity, it's really going to get under your skin for the rest of this year - until you do something about it. Just to sum up, all the shit we've been repressing and resenting - sometimes for years, decades even - is going to come up in a big way. 

On the bright side, Mars in Aries will be activating my North Node and Jupiter in my 11th House. It's a nudge to embrace the creative, independent, courageous free-spirit I'm meant to be. That's been gradually coming out in the past few years, especially since my Saturn Return, and that pull is only going to get stronger as I approach my nodal return (which happens when we're approximately 36-38). Mars in Aries will (hopefully, theoretically) give me a push to start working and building on some of the recent revelations I've had about my life purpose and direction in life. I've been flooded with a bunch of inspirational insights so I've been trying to manage them as best I can, even with the overwhelming amount of information coming in from the outside world. If the astrology forecasts are to be believed, it's only going to get more crazy as we move forward, so now's the time to put plans in place for how to manage it. If you know you have inner work to do, it's best to do it now before it's too late. It's also a good time to start living from an authentic place. The cards I pulled from my Threads of Fate: Shadow Edition deck for June were "Speak Truth" and "Manifest." You can't do one without the other.

Thank you for reading my crazy rant on the astrology of 2020. As a reward, please enjoy this ridiculously hodge-podge Spice Girls video. Fun facts - Geri is my favorite Spice Girl and my favorite part of the song is the bridge. "I want a man, not a boy who thinks he can." It's such a simple sentence but it has so much power. It also brings up some real deep questions about masculinity and how that's interpreted in the context of (heterosexual) relationships. But that's clearly a conversation for another day.

"Too Much" Video

"Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?" by Bryan Adams

I woke up last Thursday with this song stuck in my head. And, I was like, "Really, Jess? Are we really going to do this today?" That being said, I'm a sucker for cheesy 90s love songs and this one has to be the cheesiest. And, yet again, there's that goddamn flamenco guitar. I really do have a type when it comes to music, don't I? I read somewhere that Venus (or was it Mercury?) in Cancer has an amazing emotional memory when it comes to music. I have both placements, so maybe it's a double whammy? I don't know - I'm still an amateur. This song was recorded as the theme for the film, "Don Juan DeMarco" and - while I love me some Johnny Depp - I have not seen the movie. I've added it to my list, because it sounds like a movie I would like. It's a romantic comedy about a man who believes he's Don Juan, the greatest lover in the world. When he goes to get psychiatric treatment, hilarity ensues (I'm assuming) and his psychiatrist learns something about love. Sounds ridiculous. But I'm ridiculous, so it fits. As sappy as it was, "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?" was nominated for Best Original Song at the 1996 Academy Awards, but lost to "Colors of the Wind" from "Pocahontas" (a worthy opponent). Also, can you believe the gall of Wikipedia in categorizing this song as "latin rock"?! You can't just put shit in that category because it sounds vaguely Spanish! Yes, I am shaking my head furiously.

To really love a woman

To understand her you gotta know her deep inside

Hear every thought see every dream

And give her wings when she wants to fly

Then when you find yourself lyin' helpless in her arms

You know ya really love a woman

I didn't have much of a rant for this song, beyond that it popped into my head out of nowhere, but that happens quite frequently. A song I haven't heard in several years will suddenly become an earwig for me and it gets reincorporated into the repertoire. Occasionally, I'll consider it a sign but sometimes, it might be just nostalgia. For a moment long forgotten....or one that should be. While we're on the topic of signs, I've been considering some of the other ones I've been getting lately. In particular, I've been called toward Persephone, Goddess of Spring and Queen of the Underworld. This was my favorite Greek myth when I was younger. I used to read it over and over in "D'Aulaire's Greek Mythology," which I highly recommend for children who are interested in mythology. First, I've been seeing a lot of posts on Pinterest featuring pomegranates and poems about Persephone. Then, she keeps being mentioned in podcasts. And she was mentioned in a particular podcast I was listening to about sacred sexuality, regarding the Pluto/Hades-Persephone archetype. The podcast host was talking about the desire to be claimed. I thought the discussion around it was intriguing. For those unfamiliar with Greek mythology, Persephone was kidnapped by Hades and taken to the Underworld to be his Queen. This was a deal that Zeus had made with Hades in secret, because he thought her mother, Demeter, wouldn't allow it. While in the Underworld, Persephone ate six pomegranate arils (seeds). Demeter searched the whole world for her daughter and when she found her, she tried to bring her back. But because Persephone ate food of the Underworld, he would only allow her to return for 6 months out of every year - one month for every seed she ate. And that is why, according to the Greeks, we have seasons.

To really love a woman

Let her hold you

'Til ya know how she needs to be touched

You've gotta breathe her, really taste her

'Til you can feel her in your blood

And when you can see your unborn children in her eyes

The typical interpretation of this story is Persephone was taken by force and tricked by Hades into eating the pomegranate seeds. However, modern witchcraft and Dark Goddess worshippers have a different interpretation. Persephone made a choice. Out of all the nymphs, Hades chose to claim Persephone, because he could see her greatness. He knew she would be a great and just Queen. Her mother would have Summer all year long but he knew Persephone was wiser than that. She knew that the world needs time to rest and recoup, to process, understand, and appreciate the gifts of Summer. And so, she chose to give the world a yearly reprieve from her mother's Endless Summer and shaped her own path to her Destiny. Persephone is the also considered a Goddess of Rebirth. She encourages us to embrace the darkness and shadows, because when we emerge, we've become stronger and more luminous than before. In addition to Lilith, I've always considered her a personal guide for me. Listening to that podcast helped something click, and I've been spending a lot of time exploring those revelations in the past week. 

Just some light Saturday thoughts. I'm super good at those. 

"Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?" Video

"Finally // beautiful stranger" by halsey

I've had this song stuck in my head for a couple days. When I hear it, I know she's singing about Evan Peters (the lyrics "You've got hips like jagger and two left feet" especially remind me of him). Before they started dating, they were both in pretty abusive relationships. Peters' relationship was very visible because he was dating Emma Roberts (Julia Roberts' niece). She's not a nice person. She was verbally abusive to him, treated him like he was worthless, and - yes - she was physically violent. In the instances where the police would intervene, she'd always claim he was also violent but when they checked them both out, she'd be free of marks whereas he'd be beat to shit. People seem to think men can't be victims of domestic violence, but it happens more often than we realize. I think these public situations - like between Peters and Roberts and, more recently, Johnny Depp's issues with Amber Heard - are bringing more light to the problem. Anyway, halsey's experiences in her relationships have left her a little mistrustful of anyone who tries to get close to her. She's cognizant of this and how her defense mechanisms could ruin a good thing. So she's trying to work through it.

Oh, we're dancing in my living room

And up come my fists

And I say, "I'm only playing"

But the truth is this

That I've never seen a mouth

That I would kill to kiss

And I'm terrified, but I can't resist

And I say

I recently had the opportunity to take a short relational psychology course online. It was mostly from a women's studies perspective and it had a lot to do with why we (women) act the way we do and the latent instincts that these behaviors evolved from. There were several insights I found interesting, mostly because I realized - at least, for me - that they were true. First, we don't share important details with people we don't trust. I know this is true because I can find myself mentally calculating how to avoid telling people certain things, even in the middle of conversations where those facts might be relevant. Second, the facilitator was discussing something she realized after talking to one of her students - if a woman doesn't feel safe, she can't feel loved. This got me thinking because one of the indicators of attraction (that develops into love), from a man's standpoint, is to become protective over the object of his affection. If she reciprocates the feeling, she appreciates it - if not, the behavior can be cloying and seen as a little possessive (in an unattractive way).

I was thinking about it and there are certain behaviors where, if a man I love does them, I feel special and safe. Putting a hand on my back to gently redirect me towards a safer path; standing perhaps a little to close to me when we're in a moderately crowded room; rushing to help me when I feel flustered; checking that I made it home safe after a night out; and, especially, driving cautiously when I'm with them, because pretty much everyone in my family is a terrible and/or aggressive driver so if I have a choice, I generally prefer to drive myself places (unfortunately, I usually lose the fight over who gets to drive). However, I found myself unable to sleep on Friday night because I was thinking about how I'm genuinely unable to acknowledge when I'm feeling unsafe. I've been doing a lot of Inner Child work lately and I was able to figure it out pretty quickly - throughout my life, when I felt unsafe, those feelings were often ignored or disregarded. As a result, I learned to repress feelings of fear. I learned that repressing a lot of things - my needs, my emotions, my thoughts, my opinions, even my personality - was in my best interest (the best way to stay "safe") and it's been a long road of undoing that programming.

Beautiful stranger

Here you are in my arms and I know

That beautiful strangers

Only come along to do me wrong

And I hope, beautiful stranger

Here you are in my arms

But I think it's finally

Finally, finally, finally, finally safe

For me to fall

So, how does a lifetime of repressing fear and a need for safety manifest? Pretending I don't need help or that I can take care of myself. Pretending I'm not scared when I am (putting on a "brave face"). Becoming overly defensive in response to violated boundaries or becoming emotionless during moments of conflict. Being unable to ask for what I want or need, because I feel like I'm imposing on other people. Keeping my thoughts and emotions to myself, because being vulnerable with someone is too much of a risk. Being unable to admit that I want certain people to feel protective over me, because I never really had that growing up - and feeling disappointed when they don't meet that need. Being protective over people who don't feel like they have to reciprocate because I'm so "self-sufficient." I'm often that friend who asks people to text me when they get home, but I rarely get that back. When I think of my inner child, I see a little girl hiding in a closet, blasting Hanson on her Walkman so she can drown out the yelling. Music has always been my comfort zone. Especially recently, with everything going on in my life, I've been listening to my favorite songs on repeat.

I've never recognized a purer face

You stopped me in my tracks

And put me right in my place

Used to think that loving

Meant a painful chase

But you're right here now

And I think you'll stay

Like everyone, I had all these great plans for 2020 (and beyond) and then the Universe threw me, not just one, but several curve balls. "Do you really want to go through this? Okay, great! Here's a huge complication, good luck with that." Venus Retrograde in Gemini - especially if it's in one of your angular houses (i.e., 1, 4, 7, and 10) - has a tendency to have you rethinking your whole life and everything in it. It's about reassessing patterns, especially in relationships. Codependent patterns will become especially unbearable - people-pleasing, seeking approval from others, denying your own needs, self-criticism/self-judgment, and compulsively trying to fix or take care of others (who refuse to take care of themselves). These behaviors result in low self-esteem and internalized self-hatred, and make you easily manipulated and controlled by others. However, Venus is all about self-esteem and self-love, which is why these patterns become so obvious during this time. We start to realize that we deserve better than how we've allowed others to treat us. We start taking care of ourselves more and stop focusing on how others perceive us. We begin to understand where our efforts are unappreciated and accept that maybe it's time to let go.

I've resumed my daily writing habit and I've been using the time to work on some other stuff - mostly journaling and short stories, but also world-building for a novel I want to write and some (bad) poetry. Don't be surprised if the songs take a more nostalgic turn or if the posts become a bit shorter.

"Finally // beautiful stranger" Video