"Hand Me Down" by Matchbox 20

 I fell into a Matchbox 20 hole recently which, in my book, is a pretty good hole to fall in. I'm just now realizing how much my tastes at 15-years-old were those of a 30-year-old man. Makes sense, because that's the only demographic that seemed to really matter to music execs during that time, before they realized how much money teenaged girls actually have to spend. Cue the rise (and subsequent market domination) of pop music, Taylor Swift, and every Disney Channel/Nickelodeon starlet churning out an album. Matchbox 20's 2002 album, "More Than You Think You Are," was on constant repeat in my Walkman. I listened to this album so much that my favorite songs were all scratched up and skipped horribly by the time I made the transition to an mp3 player. As I was listening to the album again, I was reminded how brilliant the songs on this album were, how vulnerable the lyrics Rob Thomas and other band members were writing during this time. Released at the height of their popularity, it's an underrated album - it wasn't as successful as their previous albums and was probably the start of their gradual decent into late 90s/early 00s playlists. But it meant something to me.

Someday they'll find your small town world on a big town avenue

Gonna make you like the way they talk when they're talking to you

Gonna make you break out of your shell cause they tell you to

Gonna make you like the way they lie better than the truth

They'll tell you everything you wanted someone else to say

They're gonna break your heart, yeah

I'm in the process of reading several psychology books and watching a lot of therapy-related YouTube videos - a process commonly called "self-healing," which has become popular in spiritual communities. For good reason, of course. A lot of what holds us back is based in the pain we hold on to. The false beliefs we still don't realize are defense mechanisms and excuses for not moving forward. And dedication to protecting our core wounds rather than facing them head on to really examine where they come from. Because it hurts. I know it hurts. I'm reading this book called "Inner Bonding" by Dr. Margaret Paul. Inner Bonding is a therapy methodology she developed for her patients to work with their Inner Child. It's very closely related to the idea of reparenting, in which you become the parent you wish you had when you were actually a child. Some may write it off as hippie nonsense, but most of the work is cultivating self-compassion, self-validation, learning how to meet your own emotional needs, and listening to your inner voice. Something people with healthy levels of self-esteem and who recognize their self-worth already know how to do. Spoiler alert: There's actually not very many of those people. There's a lot of reasons for that, many of which are rooted in our culture, societal expectations, and ancestral trauma, but that's a rant for another day.

Somebody ought to take you in

Try to make you love again

Try to make you like the way they feel

When they're under your skin

Never once did think they'd lie when they're holding you

You wonder why they haven't called

When they said they'd call you

You start to wonder if you're ever gonna make it by

You'll start to think you were born blind

After reading all this stuff and going through my own journey, I've found I don't really have sustained negative feelings towards others. Even people who have hurt me - I may have a flash of anger in the moment but I calm down quick, especially if I have a minute to myself. I'm able to remember who I want to be, remember that I'm interconnected with this other person, and I don't know what their struggle has been like. We only see the situation from our perspective, through our lens of hurt. The weird thing about Inner Child work is the more you focus on your own Child, you start to see other people as a reflection of their Inner Child, and it becomes easier to be a more compassionate adult. There's a common saying in the counseling community: "Hurt people hurt people." While it's often said as a warning about getting involved with others, it's also a reminder to address your own wounds first, so you don't unintentionally hurt others. It stops you from saying that clever-yet-hurtful zinger during drinks with coworker or raising your voice in anger when your child disobeys you or crossing someone's boundaries because it felt like rejection to you. Things we often do without thinking, because we're on autopilot. Mindfulness and therapy get you off autopilot and the world is a better place for it. And yes, that's a hill I'm willing to die on.

Some day they'll open up your world
Shake it down on a drawing board
Do their best to change you
They still can't erase you

This song could be imagined from the point of view of an old boyfriend singing to a girl who has gone off to find her place in the world. I, however, have always thought of it as being sung to the girl by someone she's imagining, like an imaginary friend or perhaps her Inner Adult. I was sparked by something Dr. Paul said in her book. When we are weeping and in distress, we often long for someone to comfort us - the Ideal Partner or Perfect Parent - and are often disappointed when the person cast in that role either doesn't show up in the desired way or doesn't show up at all. She goes on to say we have to be that comfort for ourselves - we have to be willing to show up for ourselves, to say "I'm here and I won't leave you in your time of need."

So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

I like to think I'm really easy to calm down when I'm upset. All I want, all I'm looking for, is for someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay. It seems simple, until you have to cross the ocean of human complexity. Most people aren't equipped to understand that - they are too lost in their own trauma and act in ways they don't fully understand. Often, they react out of fear - fear of rejection, fear of intimacy, fear of failure. That's when the inner bonding process helps. You have to be the person who validates your experiences, who tries to soothe your pain. The person who affirms you didn't deserve to be screamed at or hit for making a small mistake; you didn't deserve to be ignored and neglected; that you have a right to your feelings and thoughts, no matter how uncomfortable it might make others. I like to read the comments on the videos I watch while I listen to whatever I'm learning. Lately, it's just hard because when people share their stories, my heart goes out to them. I'm sorry someone is treating you/treated you so horribly. I'm sorry that person is your parent, your spouse, your sibling, or your friend. You deserve to be surrounded by people who are loving and compassionate all the time, not when it's convenient for them. I can't tell that to everyone, but based what I'm understanding from Dr. Paul's work, I can start with myself and work outward from there.

I didn't understand it at the time but "Hand Me Down" was what I played when I needed to feel comforted. When I was feeling particularly isolated and sad, like when I found myself hiding in a closet. I don't think I pictured anyone in particular singing it to me, it was just the lyrics. It sounded like the girl Rob Thomas was singing to wanted to be an actress and, at 15-years-old, I very much related to that. I don't want to be an actress anymore - I loved it at the time and I learned so many lessons from it, but I realized pretty quickly that, even though I had the talent, I didn't have the level of passion needed to make it. And that's what you really need to pull through when you're feeling rejected and not good enough. You have to have a passion for your own dreams, your own vision of your life. And when even that's not working, there's songs like this to get you through those rough nights. I hope someone out there finds comfort in it. 

"Hand Me Down" Video

"Stupid Girl" by Cold

I've been listening to a lot of loud, somewhat angry music lately. This song came up in my playlist recently. It's an older one from a band I used to listen to in high school. It struck me because - ostensibly - it's a love song. That's actually a common topic for music, especially male-dominated bands - the angry love song. A distinction - these are different from break-up songs and unrequited love songs because the subject the person is singing about often loves the singer back or, at least, reciprocates their affections in some way. No, the singer is angry because his love for the person causes him to actually take a deep look at himself - to face his own emotions, behaviors, and habits - and sometimes, he doesn't like what he sees. This is not something society encourages men to do. In fact, a lot of our programming tells them to actively avoid this level of self-reflection. So when he encounters a trigger that forces him to do so - i.e., the object of his affection - it can manifest as anger towards the person.

What's the source of this anger? Well, many things. Feeling powerless and weak (and therefore, resentful) that he needs and wants this person around all the time, especially at first. Shame at the sexual urges he has towards someone who he sees as pure and good (because society has taught us that sex is an act of denigration, not of love). I would classify the song "Closer" by NIN in this category for this reason. Guilt for not being able to protect or provide for their person. I heard in a psychology lecture that love, for men, often manifests as a strong protection instinct. A man will do anything to protect someone he loves, even if the thing he has to protect them from is himself. This reminds me of the ending scene of "The Butterfly Effect." Ashton Kutcher keeps going back in time to prevent the woman he loves from a life of suffering. Keep in mind, he remembers all the timelines when he jumps so he starts to recognize a pattern in all of them. Ultimately, what he has to do is make it so she will never be close to him. Ever. So when he sees the woman on the street in the final timeline, after they both grow up to be successful, functional adults, he keeps on walking. Because he ain't going to risk it. It's complicated but I think I'm starting to understand it.

I can't take this

Born to break this

She's going away (She's going away)

What's wrong with my life today?

She's going away (She's going away)

What's wrong with my life today?

In tarot and astrological circles, 2020 has been touted as the Year of the Emperor, which is a fancy way of saying the collective focus is shifting onto masculine energies. With Mars moving into Aries conjunct Chiron, the next half of the year has a special emphasis on the Wounded Masculine. In particular, we're going to be collectively working on how this energy can be distorted, the effects of this distortion, and how to correct it on an individual and collective scale. There is nothing inherently bad about Masculine energy, just as there is nothing inherently bad about Feminine energy. It is how it is channeled, manipulated, and used that causes problems. For the sake of explanation, please note that I'm using Masculine and Feminine in the sense of Hermetic polarities. All things have both energies in varying degrees. Some things/people may have more of one polarity than the other but the ultimate goal is to balance the polarities overall, to bring harmony to the Universe. It has nothing to do with boy vs girl, although we tend to think of men having more masculine energy and women having more feminine energy. This is not always the case, by any means, and regardless of what you believe your personal mix of polarities is, it would be foolish to cultivate one but neglect the other. In order to have balance, you must work to improve and perfect both.

In order to go forward, let's give a basic definition of the Masculine polarity (in Hermeticism). It is an active energy with special emphasis discipline, focus, order, justice, honor, physical strength, and physical courage. Whereas the Feminine is the receptive energy, the Masculine is the providing energy. It's primarily ruled by logic, reason, and rationality. (Going back to the above discussion, this is how men get to the point of staying away from their lover to keep them safe - s/he needs to be protected from being hurt; I hurt her/him, therefore s/he needs to be protected from me. Makes perfect sense from a logical standpoint.) The Divine Masculine within us is a protector and a leader.

I'm a loner, I'm a loser

I'm a winner in my mind

I'm a bad one, I'm a good one

I'm a sick one with a smile

One of the spiritual accounts I follow on Twitter tweeted something that caught my imagination - it was something to the effect of "the Feminine [polarity/energy] resents an ineffective Masculine." So what makes our inner masculine "ineffective?" Well, it starts with not protecting ourselves - not speaking up for our own best interests (protecting needs and boundaries) or standing by our beliefs and principles (maintaining discipline and honor). It's not backing up our words with our actions. It manifests as not following through with our goals or going after what we say we want. It's not having the courage to ask for what we want in the first place. It's not expressing our individuality or letting ourselves be overpowered by another's opinion of us. In these circumstances, it represses the Divine Feminine as well, because she represents our creative force and inner wisdom. She is counting on the Divine Masculine to act on her intuitive insights, to trust her guidance. If the Masculine is stuck in a place of fear and inaction, the Feminine could be screaming "this is what you want and this is what you need to get it" and it wouldn't matter. She goes unheard because the will to act is simply not there. And nothing makes the Feminine more resentful than feeling unheard, misunderstood, and disrespected (*cough*Lilith and Eris will also be conjunct in Aries*cough*).

Final question: So how do we strengthen and support our inner Divine Masculine? I'd rather not leave you with "just don't do those things I listed" but that's essentially it. A lot of the work is getting clear on what you want - define, in no uncertain terms, your desires, needs, and boundaries. Going a step further, define what your principles and beliefs are - and then act on them. For example, I believe that all people deserve to be treated with kindness and respect and I strive to have my actions reflect that. Next step is defining your goals, choosing one or two, and put a plan in place to meet them. Simple example - you want to live a healthier lifestyle. Write down what a healthy lifestyle would look like for you - drinking more water, eating more veggies, cutting down on alcohol, meditating everyday, exercising a specified amount of time each week, etc. Then start taking steps that help you meet that goal and track your progress. Nothing encourages and supports discipline and accountability like keeping records, whether that be in the form of an app, taking selfies every day, or keeping a bullet journal for your new habits. Speak your Truth. Nurture and protect your inner Divine Feminine - if she gives you an intuitive insight, don't ignore it. Take note of it, think on it, and act on it, if need be. Cultivate creativity and curiosity, seek out Beauty. Follow where she leads, because she's doing it to support your efforts to live in accordance with your Highest Self (which you just defined in the previous steps I mentioned). Finally, remember that this is an on-going and iterative process. Failure is a mindset, not a conclusion. You will fuck up - what matters most is you acknowledge that you fucked up and then you keep going anyway.

"Stupid Girl" Video

"The Ghost of You" by My Chemical Romance

I was talking to my coworker a couple days ago and he was asking me about how my pregnancy is going. I told him when I was due, which reminded me that I'm due almost exactly two weeks after the My Chemical Romance concert I bought tickets for. Mind you, I bought them before I found out I was pregnant. And before we all knew how bad this pandemic was going to be (and it looks like we've all resigned ourselves to it being worse than it had to be). In preparation for this concert, I've been trying to catch up on all MCR's albums and get familiar with the songs that came out when I stopped listening to them so much. Like everyone, I got into MCR after the release of "Three Cheers for Sweet Romance." This was the second studio album for the band and - fun fact - we very recently passed the 16th anniversary of its release (on 8 June). I've taken to listening to music while I'm taking a shower on the weekends (I usually can't do that most days because I'm taking a shower at like 4am). This album got me through a lot of hard times - moving my senior year of high school, a rough relationship with my mom, and starting university with all my various hangups and insecurities. True, I started listening to MCR because I thought Gerard Way was hot and I like the aesthetics, but I stayed because they created truly great music. Only bands who created truly great music can launch a reunion tour and get so much enthusiasm back. Especially bands that were popular in the early 2000s - as we've discussed, the early 2000s was a rough time for music.

I never said I'd lie and wait forever

If I died we'd be together

I can't always just forget her

But she could try

So what is unique about MCR's music that makes them stand out amongst the dozens of emo bands that arose during that time period? First, they didn't just embrace a dark aesthetic - they embodied it. Their songs were extremely deep and dealt with painful topics - suicidal thoughts, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, lost loves, and just generally feeling like a freak. A lot of these bands were fronted-by (and/or were completely composed of) what I deemed "pretty boys." MCR was not. Don't get me wrong, the guys were attractive but it was obvious they were no strangers to the punk/goth aesthetic and this was a result of having a really difficult time in high school. Gerard Way was a pull for many teenage girls, like myself, but when he was in high school, he was bullied. He was the weird, chubby kid who was always drawing dark comics. All the things Ray Toro listed in the beginning of the "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" video, that was Gerard Way in a nutshell. Moving on, the second thing that makes the music unique is, not only did they know how to play their instruments, they knew how to play them well. There's a level of complexity in MCR songs that you just don't see in other punk/emo music. These guys aren't just playing the same four chords. They wanted the music to be dramatic, operatic storytelling, a perspective they learned from early influences like David Bowie and Queen. In addition to that, they understood the power of visuals - not just in the album artwork but also in the lyrics. Finally, they weren't afraid to add things to the music that weren't necessarily "pretty" - weird vocals, nonsensical drum and guitar solos, and even unusual musical styles (like bringing in Western-style tropes for multiple songs on "Three Cheers") were a normal part of their repertoire. As a result, almost every MCR song feels and sounds unique. From the start, it was clear they weren't manufactured and that was one of the biggest draws for fans.

Ever

Get the feeling that you're never

All alone and I remember now

At the top of my lungs in my arms she dies

She dies

I was listening to "The Ghost of You" in the shower and was thinking about it, what it reminds me of. The video for this song takes place during WWII, on D-Day. The story in the video is especially sad, because Mikey dies (Mikey and Gerard are brothers). However, I think they took a lot of their inspiration from "Saving Private Ryan," where the whole point is to prevent the last brother in a family from dying in WWII, and wiping out an entire family line. Taking the WWII thing a step further, I started thinking of one of my favorite Marvel superheroes - Captain America - which started into a rant about how he embodies the master archetype of evolved Cancerian energy. When I started thinking about that, I started noting how many heroes are Cancers. This isn't a coincidence - artists and writers aren't just like "this guys should be born in July." There is something powerful about this archetype that draws people towards it. It's also a very polarizing energy - you either love it or hate it - and Cancer, along with Geminis and Scorpios (Yay! My Big 3...), get probably the most hate among people who don't understand how astrology works. I'll explore this at a later date, probably closer to my birthday, and I specifically wanted to use Steve Rogers as the example. Bringing that back around, I started thinking about Captain America because this song embodies his relationship with Peggy Carter. They don't even get to have a first date and explore the connection they have because the mission comes first. They are separated for decades and, even though he tries to move on, he just can't. But that doesn't stop him from doing what he needs to do to save the world. Once the mission is over, ::Spoiler Alert:: he uses the first opportunity he gets to go back to her and give her the life they both deserved together.

At the end of the world

Or the last thing I see

You are

Never coming home

Never coming home

Could I

Should I

And all the things that you never ever told me

And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me

Never coming home

Never coming home

Could I

Should I

I meant to write this earlier but I slept all day yesterday. Or sort of slept - a lot of the time was spent lying there, trying to will myself to move but failing. Wanting to be held but not knowing how to ask for it. I only got up because I remembered that I should probably eat because I hadn't eaten all day and that isn't good for the baby. That seems like the only reason I've been eating lately. If I wasn't pregnant, I probably wouldn't be eating at all to be honest. I just don't feel like it most days and if I try to eat, I can't bring myself to eat as much as I normally would. I didn't want to laze about all day but I thought to myself "it's okay...for one day, it's okay to give in." I don't feel much better today but I am writing so that's a start. That's the good thing - I still have flashes of inspiration, where these beautiful sentences will come in my head. And I'll have enough energy to write them down or text them to myself. That's one thing that's been really remarkable about this time - I'm thinking and writing more clearly than I ever have. I'm actually able to translate the swirls of information in my head into something coherent and somewhat creative. I've written some surprisingly beautiful things in the past few weeks - I thought they were shit at the time but when I re-read them, I realize they're actually pretty good. Almost like I'm not the one who wrote them. But I did. I miss my sisters a lot, especially my older sister. Luckily, she set up a family chat for today, so I'm looking forward to that. That's just how it's going to be for now - keep holding on for that next thing that brings me joy. Push through and keep writing, even when it sounds like mud in my head.

"The Ghost of You" Video

"Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis

Recently, I saw a tweet that declared that "we didn't deserve 'Bleeding Love' by Leona Lewis." And you know what? We really didn't. Judging by the number of comments on the video made within the last two weeks, I'm not alone in thinking this. Of course, I'm also profoundly aware of why people might be drawn to this particular song during this particular time. Many are socially isolated and may be ruminating on a relationship (either recent or long past) that failed, despite their best efforts. This song was one of the most powerful pop/R&B ballads of the early 2000s. Though Leona Lewis is not much more than a one-hit-wonder, her vocals imbued this song with a crushing level of emotional weight and depth, which is what brought it to the top of the charts during 2008 and landed it at #17 of Billboard's Top 100 for the Decade (2000-2009). The note she holds during the bridge is nothing short of a miracle, comparable only to the final lyrics in "Dreaming of You" as sung by Selena. I defy anyone listening to those songs to try to hold those notes as long - it's nigh impossible to do well unless you've had classical training. The lyrics tell of a situation in which the singer has fallen in love with someone and, in spite of what may be best for her, she can't walk away. They've created a wound that not only won't go away but that keeps being re-opened. She admits that maybe she is crazy, but is she? I can't say. Some wounds don't heal, you just learn to deal with the pain. The Wikipedia article describes the singer as being "blinded by love," but I'm not sure that's accurate. I think she's very aware of what's happening and that walking away is probably for the best. But it's just not that simple.

But something happened, for the very first time with you

My heart melts into the ground, found something true

And everyone's looking round, thinking I'm going crazy

This song came out in 2007 but it didn't really hit the airwaves in the United States until 2008. However, my most notable memory of this song was from an episode of "So You Think You Can Dance?" which was a show my older sister liked to watch when I stayed with her during Summer 2009. She is a very talented dancer and - although I am much less talented and trained than she is - I love to dance and enjoy the beauty and mechanics of choreography immensely. The two dancers, Chelsie and Mark, were two of my favorites for that season. The dance itself was highly narrative, portraying a couple, where Chelsie portrayed a woman trying to convince her lover (Mark) to stay instead. It's implied by his dress that he's a workaholic or he's using work to escape from their problems. The song is abridged (it's extremely tiring to dance to entire song - dancers are true athletes) so the shortened bridge becomes the climax of the choreography. During the rest of the dance, the movements are mirrored. Sometimes, the movements are loving, but more often, they're combative. He keeps pushing her away. As the music slows, the movements become more tender and loving but in the end, he makes motion that implies he takes her heart and leaves with it. Chelsie then performs a solo dance as Mark walks away, a moment of pure abandon that encompasses the chaos and destruction one might feel inside during such a moment. In the final pose, Chelsie stands in a broken stance as Mark looks back but doesn't return. Those final moments of the song are heartbreaking and sum up the emotional impact of the song beautifully.

In the past few months, I've been drawn to learning more about embodiment therapy and, more specifically, the use of dance - such as ecstatic dance - in healing work. Embodiment therapy is a form of somatic psychotherapy that focuses on reconnecting to one's bodily sensations to enable the healing process. It's particularly helpful for people who have trauma from eating disorders, physical abuse, self-mutilation, and sexual assault. In these instances, the person has disassociated from the need of their body to avoid reliving a psychological trauma. Often, the body is becomes an object to control, not an extension of their self. As such, the person begins to disconnect from the sensations of the body. For example, I would often ignore that I was hungry or ignore when my body was exhausted during a workout. However, recognizing those sensations through embodiment is extremely important when it comes to making healthy decisions. Like recognizing you feel like crap every time you drink or that you feel sick whenever you eat gluten. I still struggle with this - especially now that my pregnancy is starting to show, there's a palpable anxiety I'm starting to feel about gaining weight. Even if it's a healthy amount of weight, even if I'm wearing the smallest size in maternity clothes, it triggers this reptilian part of my brain that says "you need to stop eating." It's exacerbated now especially by the constant message that people should be using this time in isolation as some sort of "bikini boot camp" (i.e., 'Don't let yourself get flabby during quarantine!' as spoken by some IG model who is probably getting paid to workout anyway). For someone who has had the lesson "thin = beautiful" hammered into her since she was literally a toddler, pregnancy is a minefield of inner demons needing to be faced, especially when working out doesn't have visible results.

And it's draining all of me

Oh they find it hard to believe

I'll be wearing these scars, for everyone to see

However, dancing always felt good, to get the extra energy out. To get the extra anger out. To express the inexpressible. In dance classes, I struggled with loosening up and becoming less robotic - there's a point where performing the precision of a movement overpowers the 'natural-ness' and fluidity of the choreography. It's preferable to perform a movement that's less-than-perfect with an abundance of emotion than to perform a movement with technical perfection but a lifeless execution. With ecstatic dance, what matters most is that you allow your body to move with the music, as it sees fit. There are no rules, which is something I can get behind. As I've said before, dancing is my favorite way to raise energy for a magical working. I feel like it awakens and connects all the soul elements - physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual - the most. You can feel the energy running through your body afterwards, especially when you've chosen the perfect song to embody the spirit of the ritual you're performing.

To learn more, I've followed a lot of spiritual practitioners who use dance and embodiment as part of their spiritual practice. Karla Palomino, who is an embodiment facilitator and holistic teacher. Olivia, the Witch of Wonderlust (@thewitchofwonderlust), who is a young witch, YouTube creator, and pole fitness instructor - she often posts videos of her routines on IG. Then, of course, there's Gaby Herstik, who has used her self-isolation to take photographs of herself in lingerie ("nudes," but not really) and collage them with pictures of pretty flowers and witchy things. That's actually become a big thing lately, to take nudes of yourself just because. To build your own self-esteem, I suppose. Although the 'nudes' thing is generally part of Herstik's brand (which is very sex magick-oriented), I don't believe the intention is to share these photos with anyone. Maybe friends, but I don't think I have any friends who would be cool with me sending them random nudes. But I understand the practice and imagine it's very much like the empowerment some women feel when doing burlesque or pole dancing. It's your choice to share as much as you like. Anyway, I've gotten a bit rambling here at the end. This started out as a rant about how dance can be therapeutic and became incoherent nonsense about taking nude pictures, which sounds like a good note to end on. I've also included the clip from "So You Think You Can Dance?"

"Bleeding Love" Video

"SYTYCD?": Chelsie and Mark Hip Hop Routine

"Drops of Jupiter" by Train

This has been a favorite throughout the past two decades (it came out in 2001). I just got back from a long car trip and I'm not feeling all that great so not much to say. I haven't meditated a week. Honestly, I've been so tired, I've mostly slept. However, I felt like I should post something and this song came to mind.

I looked up the song meaning - it's about the death of Pat Monahan's mother. I found his thoughts on it kind of poetic and beautiful: "The best thing we can do about loss of love is find ourselves through it." The less personal interpretation, which also came from Pat Monahan, is that it's about "a woman who is strong and has to find out who she is and a man willing to let her do that."

Now that she's back from that soul vacation

Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey

She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo

Reminds me that there's a-room to grow, hey, hey, yeah

Now that she's back in the atmosphere

I'm afraid that she might think of me as

Plain ol' Jane, told a story about a man

who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

I find that the further I go down this road, the softer I get. After many years, I've realized that - if you're doing this right - that's what is supposed to happen. Wisdom doesn't make you more inflexible, more stubborn, more closed, more unkind, more hard. It does the opposite. And I wonder what it must seem like to the outsider and I think this song encapsulates that. The lyrics are written from the point of view of a man who is in awe of this woman who has grown so much, even though he's mocking it a little. Just another defense mechanism. It's scary. He's afraid he's going to be left behind. Sometimes, that's what happens. You have to leave people behind, even if you don't want to. That's just how life goes. You can't do the work for someone else - that seems to be my constant lesson and yet, I can't help but feel like I should do something. Yet, there's very little I can do outside of being an example to follow (however lackluster an example that is). And being present. When I type it out, it seems like such a small contribution, but I know how important it is all the same. Because most people don't even bother. And I'm starting to bother.

"Drops of Jupiter" Video

"Flavor of the Weak" by American Hi-Fi

My pre-teen self was all about this song. American Hi-Fi was one of the various CDs I flirted with buying before I realized Napster was a thing. It was the early 2000s - it was a crazy time for everyone! I'm just going to do a short post today, because I'm still trying too wrap up a project, but I hate going to long without posting on here.

As you may have noticed, the title is a play on words. Instead of "week," they use the word "weak" instead. I've had mixed feelings about this for -well - obviously at least two decades. It implies that the girl is weak because she's pouring all her love into a schmuck who doesn't appreciate it. As someone who loves too hard myself, I don't think of that as weak. In fact, I think people who refuse to let themselves love that hard are weak, because it means they don't have the courage to be vulnerable. They don't have the strength to have their heart broken multiple times and still be able to put it back together at the end of the day. You know how much inner strength it takes to not become completely cold and build a wall around you after you've been hurt? Most people don't have the mental, spiritual, or emotional fortitude for it. I've found that the kindest people I've ever met have had some of the hardest lives, went through some of the most shit circumstances I've ever heard of in my life - and, yet, they get up every day with the intention of being giving and kind, no matter what happens.

We could go with the alternate theory, which is implied at the end of the song with the final lyric of "she makes me weak." That she's exactly the kind of girl the singer is looking for but he sees himself as weak because of how she makes him feel. And he has kind of a point - it sounds like he's constantly pointing out the ways her boyfriend misses the mark but has never told her how he feels. He friend-zoned himself, basically, by trying to be the shoulder to cry on. Lame. That being said....he's not wrong. Her boyfriend does treat her like she's disposable and not good enough. So you have to wonder....why doesn't she already see it?

It's Friday night and she's all alone

He's a million miles away

She's dressed to kill, but the TV's on

He's connected to the sound

And he's got pictures on the wall

Of all the girls he's loved before

And she knows all his favorite songs

Validation, my dear friends. In a lot of relationships (and especially bad ones), people stay because they are receiving desperately needed validation (however small the amount) that they are worthy. Here's how the story in our heads goes - if I can get this impossible to please person who is constantly pointing out my faults to love me, I'm worthy of love. If I can just look the way they want, act the way they want, talk the way they want - they have to love me, right? How could they not? And, thus, a vicious cycle begins. Meanwhile, the other person is secretly craving validation, too, because they also feel unlovable. However, because it was easy to get validation from the other person, there must be something wrong with them because who could ever truly love a beast like me? And so s/he goes out looking for validation from a different source. Often, neither of these people truly understands what they want from a relationship and/or has unrealistic expectations of what love should look like, which is ultimately a recipe for disappointment and dissatisfaction. What usually ends up happening is we assume "this is how relationships are supposed to be" and people select partners who are unable to meet their needs/desires. They call it "compromise" but, in reality, it's self-betrayal. Your needs are your needs and, eventually, people become resentful when those needs aren't met. How long it takes to get to that point is largely based on a person's self-esteem - if you don't think you are worthy to be loved in the way you want, you'll put up with a lot more bullshit than someone with a healthy sense of self-worth. Also, we're usually replaying a story that we saw in our home life growing up. Think of all those tropes in sitcoms. The obedient but unhappy wife. The hen-pecked husband. The bitter divorcee. Or the hot, smart wife with the dumb, schlubby husband (and vice versa....I've never seen vice versa on TV, but I'm sure it could be done). Honestly, probably the healthiest dynamic I've seen in a sitcom (aside from "The Addams Family," which was purposely trying to up-end TV tropes) was the show, "Reba." And even that level of emotional/psychological sanity given the circumstances is pretty unrealistic.

How does this play out in the official video? Aside from placing the back story in the 1980s, the video storyline plays it pretty straight. It starts out with a journalist asking some metalheads, "What is your philosophy on life?", at which point, the loudest guy in the frame goes into a rant about how metal is better than punk (not even), avoiding the question entirely. The video is filmed to be a parody of the documentary, "Heavy Metal Parking Lot," which is an actual thing that exists and that anyone reading this can watch if they feel called to do something like that. I'm almost certain it's absolutely ridiculous and might be worth watching for the lulz. Moving on - we see the couple in question is waiting around for a concert to start. The girl tries to get affectionate but the guy seems utterly disinterested. He walks off with his friends, leaving her to fend for herself. While he walks around the parking lot, we see him run into various girls, giving them attention, while his actual girlfriend is walking around looking for him. Finally, he runs into a redhead trying to pull a Tawny Kitaen on his car. Of course, he goes after her and they start making out. At which point, the girlfriend sees them and realizes he's a scumbag. She's not the type to cause a scene so she runs off to be mopey somewhere. Of course, she is super pretty herself so other guys are instantly trying to get in her pants at the end of the video. Just from my own personal experience, this happens a lot. Typical.

Her boyfriend, he don't know

Anything about her

He's too stoned, he's too stoned

He's too stoned, he's too stoned

If this video continued on - for perhaps the length of a documentary? - eventually, the girl dancing on the car would become the sad girlfriend, too. Or maybe she has enough self-esteem to not put up with it and would leave first. It's not that she's prettier or sexier or better than his current (now, hopefully, former) girlfriend - he just has a vacuum where his heart should be. And he really should probably take care of that before getting in another relationship with anyone. Otherwise, the cycle continues. Gotta love those toxic spirals.

"Flavor of the Weak" Video

"MakeDamnSure" by Taking Back Sunday

I've been feeling a lot of heaviness these past couple of days. I'm going to try to lighten it up a bit (but not too much) because there's a little voice in my head saying "give in to the darkness." Thus, I've chosen a surprisingly catchy tune for today. I love this song and, while there is something disturbing about the lyrics (I'll get into why), I will be totally honest and just say I chose this song because it was stuck in my head. All. Day. Long. Which is funny, because I honestly don't think I'd heard it in several years, until it popped up on my YouTube recommendations on Sunday night. It would not be an exaggeration that I was obsessed with this song in the mid-2000s (or roughly around my freshman/sophomore year in college....TBS's "Louder Now" was released in April 2006). And the obsession has returned....

Speaking of obsession, this song reminds me a little bit of the Netflix show, "You," starring Penn Badgley. The show has been considered problematic because, while Joe Goldburg (Penn Badgley) is handsome, incredibly smart, and thoughtful, he is also a stalker. The show makes stalkers look sexy. Even for someone like myself who has had uncomfortable encounters where I was followed or had my personal space invaded - yes, even I was kind of wishing I had a Joe to stalk me. And I know he's dangerous - that's the thing about Joe. You know from the first episode that he is not a good guy....but he seems so endearing, sweet, and (dare I say it?) loving that you almost kind of want to pretend he didn't kidnap Beck's fuck buddy. Unrelated (but still kind of related) point: Penn Badgley has the most Scorpio I've ever fucking seen in a chart (5 Scorpio placements and a rumored Scorpio ascendent) which, according to astro-Twitter, makes him perfect for the role. And apparently, looking up celebrity charts is something I do now.

Yep, I have a type....Dashing but Dangerous

Just a brief summary of the show and I'll explain how that relates to the song, I promise. "You" centers around Joe's inner narrative after he has a "love at first sight" experience surrounding this girl, Beck. Instead of doing something normal, like asking her out, he immediately starts researching her, and then uses that research to slowly insinuate himself into her life and seduce her. And it works. Because, of course, it would. I think I've said it before on this blog but I would think it's romantic if someone wanted to know absolutely everything about me. Then that little voice in my head tells me "you're not that fucking interesting." Neither is Beck, by the way, it turns out. However, the way Joe talks about Beck in his head is almost like she's a science experiment, a puzzle to figure out, and/or a mythological creature to capture. Then you cut to the scenes where she's just being herself and she's just a normal girl doing normal girl things. Trying to be a writer in NYC even though she has this crushing feeling that she's terrible at it; dodging expensive gifts from self-righteous friends because she knows they come with strings attached; and asking herself why she gives in every time her fuck buddy decides he wants her company. So....yes. Yes, Joe looks like a savior to Beck, because he seems like he actually cares about her and she wants so desperately to be loved by somebody. But - and I haven't watched the whole series yet (however, I did peek ahead) - it doesn't end well for her.

You've got this new head filled up with smoke

And I've got my veins all tangled close

To the jukebox bars you frequent

The safest place to hide

A long night spent with your most obvious weakness

You start shaking at the thought

you are everything I want

'Cause you are everything I'm not

Let's move onto the song, shall we? The narrative of the song follows a similar line as "You." This average guy meets a girl that he knows is way out of his league. But he just wants to get close to her, be close to her, even if hanging out in the same places is all it ever is. He "trip[s] over everything" she says, because he's just so amazed she's talking to him, it's almost unreal. Then, in the second verse, against all reason - in spite of his lame "you are so cool" pick up line - it's implied that he gets her into bed. But after that, we don't really know what happens. Except in the bridge, he says he's going to "make damn sure that [she] can't ever leave." How does he do that, pray tell? Manipulation? Murder? "You won't ever get too far from me." I think that's the most chilling part. No matter what she does, she can't escape. But it's the chorus that really reminds me of Joe Goldburg the most. "I just want to break you down so badly." Like reverse engineering. You break something down until you have the component pieces to get a better understanding of the whole mechanism. Find out what makes her tick. It's not a painless process.

To round out this post, let's talk about an archetype that's more of a fictional trope: the wolf in sheep's clothing. Both "You" and "MakeDamnSure" make the main character (or singer) out to be a nice guy, when in fact their motivations are corrupt. The goal in both cases isn't love, but possession. Beck thinks she's making her own choices but the whole time, she's being manipulated into situations by Joe. Even the imagery in "MakeDamnSure" is reminiscent of Little Red Riding Hood, which we learned way back in September was a cautionary tale about unchecked sexual obsession. Unfortunately, the world is full of wolves in sheep's clothing because manipulation is a very effective tactic. When used effectively, the manipulator preys on our greatest weaknesses -  our need for social acceptance and praise, our motivation to succeed, and even our desire to be wanted or loved. If the wolf plays their cards right, they can have you crawling back for more (even after you've said enough's enough).

Questions to consider:

• What areas of your life don't you feel free in? Why not? What could you do to feel freedom again? And, the million dollar question, do you actually want freedom? (There are no wrong answers - if you're afraid your answer is not "socially acceptable," then that's something you need to look take a deeper look at.)
• What habits or obsessions are occupying your mind? Why? And are you handling them in a healthy way (e.g., taking a moment to meditate/clear your mind, focusing on something else, psychotherapy)?
• In your personal interactions, how often do you feel like you're being manipulated? Or how often do you find yourself manipulating others? 

“Do you know that one day I'll kill you? I won't do it because I'm no longer in love with you, or because I'm jealous, but—I'll just kill you for no better reason that I sometimes long to devour you.” - Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Gambler

"MakeDamnSure" Video