In Case You're Wondering...("I'm Doing Fine" by Marino)

 Where has this year gone? Time is weird. It seems like 2025 crawled all the way to the finish line and now 2026 is hurtling us at light speed towards....something. Who knows what. A lot is happening. Work is busy and more draining than usual. Everyone's on edge, including me. I've been fighting cynicism and nihilism, just like the best of 'em. I'm taking a cue from some old friends - the Stoics - and learning how to "love my Fate" through the study of ancient Hellenistic astrology. Yet again allowing the music of the spheres to connect the disjointed phases of my life and trying to find meaning in the chaos without getting too spun up about it. Just working my way through the Wheel of Time. The book series, I mean, not philosophically. There's 14 books in the series so I figure that'll keep my mind busy for a while. And then I'll move on to the Discworld novels or the Stormlight Archive. Probably both. Eventually, both.

If you got inside my head, you'd see

There's no point in going to therapy

'least that's what I tell myself 'cause I don't need

Another purchase added to my monthly fees

Most of my writing has been offline. A lot of journaling, writing exercises, and outlining/world-building. I wanted to talk through my playlist of the year, because this is by far the best year for it. I think I still will, I just need to build up the momentum. I'm in a slump, but not in a slump. Maybe it's more like I'm in a shadow - and the issue isn't that I'm afraid of publicly writing what I think, I just don't think it matters anymore. In a way, that's a more dangerous thought. That's true nihilism. It's not dark and edgy, the things we do are just pointless and don't mean anything to anyone. I suppose that's where existentialism comes in - we create our own meaning for the things we do, we create our own "why." On the best of days, the idea feels empowering to me. On days - or months (or years) - where I'm going through the motions, it feels like it's one more thing to do. 

Am I really fine, or am I just really good at lying?

I don't really know, lately, I've been on autopilot in my mind

Keeps me awake, every single night, I stay up late

I don't know how to sleep whеn I'm overthinking every littlе thing

Going back to the subject of time, I've been ruminating more on its slipperiness. The inconsistency of how our minds perceive it. I work with air-gapped networks and they all run off their own internal time-source. Some are more accurate than others. I don't wear a watch, so I often find myself in situations where I'm relying on computer screens or old-school analogs clocks to check the time. More than once this year, I've seen the time on a clock or a screen, panicked because I thought I was late to my next meeting, only to arrive five minutes early. It's disorienting. More often than not lately, I'm wishing for more time or to slow time down. But, in my experience, the only way to effectively slow time down is to be fully in the moment, like in meditation. Once your mind wanders, time starts flowing again. Only in rare moments have I experienced suspended animation during something I'm enjoying. Even rarer, still, is to experience it in the presence of another person.

Alright, okay, sun keeps coming up each day

See it through my window shades, it's alright

Just passing time, I'll watch it fade, can't do too much anyways

In a small town, hid away, I'm doing fine

I don't remember how I came across this song, only that it's upbeat guitar strumming sucked me in and the lyrics kept me there. It's a relatively short song - not even two minutes - but it encapsulates a bit of what I'm seeing with everyone this year. We're all very compartmentalized. There's this knowledge that something is very wrong but there's a pervasive sense of powerlessness. Jaded is probably the best way to describe it. And everyone - including myself - seems to be so focused on the next thing in front of us. Get a job, go to work, pay that bill, rinse, repeat. So much is happening and yet nothing is happening. I'd say we're all zombies but at least zombies feel hunger. I'm starting to shake myself out of this stupor, though. I want more. So much more. I want more meaning, more action, more passion, more excitement, more joy, more whimsy....more - dare I say it? - Hope. Is this what they meant by it being the Year of the Fire Horse? I feel this collective energy building, like a rocket or a geyser. At any moment, we're all going to blink and land in a whole new reality. The only question is - when?

With that in mind, I'm trying to frame the current doldrums as a period of rest. The calm before the shift. Alright, okay, Sun keeps coming up each day. I'm doing fine. I'm still alive, so I'm doing fine.

"I'm Doing Fine" Video

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I wanted to do a few mentions of things I'm loving right now. To keep myself from listening to news podcasts (which is not at all good for my mental health), I'm listening to more audiobooks. I like biographies, especially when they are read by the author. Recently, I finished listening to "The Vegas Diaries" by Holly Madison. It's quite fun and almost like listening to the "Girls Next Level" podcast. While some of her wording choices felt a bit trite and many of the metaphors predictable, I like her approachable writing style. It feels like she's telling her story to a friend rather than a flat retelling of events that occurred at the time. It's also 2010s nostalgic for me, in a good way.

I also just finished binging "Something Very Bad is Going to Happen" on Netflix. I'm torn between thinking that's a terrible name for a show or if it was a perfect name for what I watched. The show is atmospheric, had beautiful cinematography, amazing pacing, great acting, all the works. Camila Morrone looks fucking gorgeous in like every frame she's in, even when she's covered in blood (sorry, spoilers). It was heavy on the jump scares, which I don't like - but the benefit of watching on Netflix is that you can walk away or hide your face from the screen for a few seconds without the judgement. For me, once I understood where the plot was going, I could kind of predict the end but I think that's more because I was watching from a horror writer's perspective and knew that the story had to end that way (otherwise it doesn't work). Therefore, from my perspective, perfect storytelling, no notes. Because I like spoilers, I tend to read the synopsis/summary of the episodes on Netflix so I know what to expect - for the last episode, it simply says, "Something very bad happens." Very clever, Netflix. Ya got me, I loved it. So yeah - if you love horror (especially the supernatural kind), go watch it. 

The Apotheosis of Jessica ("I Am Not A Woman, I'm A God" by Halsey)

If you can believe it (and I'm sure you can), I began writing this post around my birthday. I know. I'm terrible. One of my New Year's resolutions was to write at least 50 blog posts this year and I'm already on a bad trajectory. I know it's possible - there are years where I've put in well over a hundred posts on this blog. Recent years, too! I've just not felt up to it for various reasons. Perfectionism being one, fear of being seen being another, and lack of motivation trumping both of those other two most of the time. I've decided this is the year of Authenticity - telling it like it is, becoming okay with imperfection, and expressing myself in spite of who it might upset. In astrological terms, this is kind of a big year for me, too. It's a first house profection year, which usually means that everything is subject to change, even if it's just tiny things. And this first 6 months - as you may have noticed from my December posts - have started out with some massive changes within my family, career, and home life. To be honest, I'm a little exhausted.

Every day I've got a smile where my frown goes

A couple bodies in the garden where the grass grows

I take 'em with me to the grave in a suitcase

Maybe I could be a different human in a new place

This year, I chose "I am Not a Woman, I'm a God" as the energy I wanted to embody going into my fourth tour through the zodiac (for those who are following, I turned 36 and my natal chart starts in Gemini). I intended to be un-fuck-withable. In the honor of full disclosure, mistakes were made in those first couple months. There was a brief return to unsatisfying situations and behaviors, there was a bit of delulu wishful thinking on my part. It took me an embarrassing amount of time to course correct. I may have gone into a depressive rabbit hole for a minute before returning to my baseline of being pretty much unstoppable when I want to be. It is what it is. At the start of 2024, I am under no illusion that this upcoming year is going to be easy....but it could be good for me. I'm starting off strong - I've shown that I really did deserve a promotion and I'm looking forward to a decent compensation adjustment. We're fully moved into our new house. And I've upped my pole training to 3X a week and added some mobility/flexibility training on top of it, so I can reach my pole goals. I have a lot to work toward and a lot to look forward to in 2024, and the brief detours in 2023 served as reminders of who I want to be and what I must let go of to get there.

Just a brief look at what's coming up in my solar return chart - Jupiter, planet of luck and optimism, will be entering Gemini in 2024. Super good for me and my fellow Gemini risings. Pluto is entering Aquarius, which rules my 9H - this year begins my Pluto square (natal Pluto in Scorpio). Over the next 20 years, I'm hoping that I'll get a boost to achieve my writing dreams (9H rules over publishing, among other things, and my Midheaven also lives there as well). During this year, the nodes are on the Aries-Libra axis, with the North Node being in Aries and the South Node being in Libra. This is my natal node placement and my nodes are placed in the more joyful house - the 11H and 5H, so definitely some changes in my community, friendships, creative pursuits, and romantic ventures. Mercury is retrograding in fire signs, so I imagine how I express myself with others is going to get a little spicy as well - fire signs fall in my 3H, 7H, and 11H, all of which have influence over some level of interpersonal relationships. As I said, this should be an interesting year - not just for me but for all of us - in a decade of interesting years.

Oh

I just wanna feel something, tell me where to go

'Cause everybody knows something I don't wanna know

So I'll stay right here 'cause I'm better all alone

Yeah, I'm better all alone

Let's talk about Halsey and "I am not a woman, I'm a God." This song comes from her most recent album, aptly named "If I Can't Have Love, I Want Power." It's a fair trade off, especially when the choice is mostly out of your hands. It's one many women make. If I can't have love, I want power. Or wealth. Or fame. Or beauty. Or even more simply... security. What I find myself asking this year is.....why can't I have it all? I'm finding myself (and I see this in the collective culture, too) wanting to transition from an EITHER/OR mindset to a BOTH/AND framework. You can love the work you do AND want to take a vacation once in a while. You can want to be seen and put your art out there or be a public figure AND deserve a certain level of privacy in your personal life. You can have BOTH an outstanding career AND a fulfilling home life. I think for many people - myself included - we felt forced to make a choice between things that didn't actually have to be a choice....we just assumed it was because that's what we were conditioned to believe.

I'm reminded of the story of Persephone, whose name I adopted as my pole persona. In the story, she is kidnapped and taken down to the Underworld to be Hades Queen and Consort. Demeter petitioned Zeus and he decreed Persephone could return as long as she hadn't eaten the food of the Dead. But she did....she ate six pomegranate seeds and, thus, Zeus negotiated that she would spend 6 months of the year in the Underworld and 6 months with her mother in the Upper Realms. There are many tellings of this story - that she was forced to eat or she was so hungry that she needed to eat something and she thought the seeds were harmless. But I believe she made an intentional choice to eat those six arils. Persephone was a goddess in her own right before she was taken - she knew the rules and she ate the pomegranate anyway. As Demeter's daughter and the Goddess of Spring, she only knew one life - a life of safety and abundance, but ultimately, one under her mother's control. In the Underworld, she got a taste of power and freedom. She was seen as her own person and was worshipped like a Queen by both her husband and all the Beloved Dead in his kingdom. Persephone wanted both - and she figured out a way to make it work.

Every morning, got a hollow where my heart goes

I never listen, but I see you with my eyes closed

I know you, I remember from the grass stain

Maybe I could be a better human with a new name

In the lyrics of "I am not a woman, I'm a god," Halsey ponders the straddle women have to make in life. It's you're typical Madonna/Whore situation - either you are sexy and powerful, and therefore, not "good" in terms of current societal standards; or you do conform to this perfect housewife image and thus, cannot have a fullness of life outside the family unit. I think I've always felt the pressure of this dichotomy growing up, but it has become more apparent since I've become a mother. As a young woman, I was always very comfortable with the more sexual side of the equation (this blog is named "Music Slut," for chrissakes) but once you choose to make that transition to motherhood, I've seen that it does become less acceptable. I've only recently started telling others about my pole journey and a lot of the responses from other women have been, "Oh, you must do that for your husband." And I really don't....I do it because I love the challenge, I love the art form, I love being able to work towards doing some really athletically impressive feats. But even when I try to explain that, they never believe me. And with this kind of attitude, it's easy to fall into ambivalence. Tell me where to go, tell me how to be, I'll make it easy for you because being myself is too hard to understand. 

I am not a woman, I'm a God

I am not a martyr, I'm a problem

I am not a legend, I'm a fraud

So keep your heart, 'cause I already got one

I am not a woman, I'm a God

I am not a martyr, I'm a problem

I am not a legend, I'm a fraud

Keep your heart, 'cause I already

That's what makes this song perfect for my year of Authenticity. I can't please everyone but I can be proud and happy of who I am. It's none of my business what other people think of me. But it is my business to become the person I've always wanted to be. And if someone doesn't like who I am, that's really more of a "them problem." 

"I Am Not A Woman, I'm A God" Video

 

A Much Belated Birthday Post ("Getting Older" by Billie Eilish)

I turned 35 exactly half a year ago, today. And the fact that this post is coming so late says everything about where I am right now. The tenor of the song is different, too. Usually, I pick up-tempo, tongue-in-cheek references to pure Jessica-ness, like "California Girls" (Beach Boys or Katy Perry, take your pick), "22" by Taylor Swift, or - of course - my namesake, "Jessica" by the Allman Brothers. But none of those fit for this year. And for someone who loves her birthday and isn't one of those people who dreads aging, my birthday this year felt almost like an unbirthday. Because I had recently started a new job, I didn't take my birthday off (every employer gets one birthday when I work). And then the rest of the year kind of snuck up on me. Because that's what happens....life sneaks up on you.

I'm getting older, I think I'm aging well

I wish someone had told me I'd be doing this by myself

There's reasons that I'm thankful, there's a lot I'm grateful for

But it's different when a stranger's always waiting at your door

Which is ironic 'cause the strangers seem to want me more

Than anyone before (anyone before)

Too bad they're usually deranged

Coincidentally, today is also the Movie Star's birthday. Being the pathetically hopeless romantic that I am, I used to think that being born on the 6th day of the month exactly 6 months apart meant something once. Now, I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean anything (except that our natal Sun placements - 13/14° Cancer vs Capricorn - are exactly opposite). But I do remember that it's his birthday, because I have a head for birthdays. In my moving frenzy last Winter, I came across a journal entry lamenting the fact that I will never forget that today is his birthday. Melodramatic and silly...I now know I remember everyone's birthday because I'm that girl. The girl who will always learn people's birthdays (sometimes through trickery and subterfuge, if necessary), remember them, and wish them well. And now I'm extra dangerous, because I also calculate everyone's sun sign the minute I learn their birthday. This obsession with birthdays and birth charts is a quirk of mine from childhood and (for me) it never gets old.

Another person's birthday who I've being entranced with recently is V.E. Schwab, who was born the day after me and has a very similar birth chart, except that (due to being born a day later) she has Mars in Leo, instead of the last degree of Cancer. I even looked up her rising sign, which is supposedly Virgo. That's another bit of similarity, because that means we're both Mercury ruled. Unfortunately, I feel as if my Mercury-dominance is a bit scattered when it comes to writing and hers is very, very focused. She's quite prolific and has written several (20+) books and graphic novels. She is very much who I'd like to become some day, if I ever get my shit together. As much as I admire V.E. Schwab, I've only read one of her books - "The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue" - which, when I read it last Summer (during the week of our birthdays, actually), it got me thinking about the Movie Star. There's something about the way she wrote Henry Strauss, one of the main characters in the novel, that I couldn't help but picture him when I read it. Maybe it's the physical description she provides - dark hair, green eyes, Jewish heritage with a German last name. And I know he lived in New York at some point after graduation, so it makes me wonder if V.E. Schwab met him once. Or maybe she just saw him walking down the street, ridiculously tall (like 6'3") in a wool pea coat, which always suited him well. She didn't quite get his personality, though. No, his personality and his sorrows are more fitting for someone else. But he did have sad eyes and his whole face lit up when he smiled. Memory is a curious thing. There are few people I remember in such vivid detail and we weren't even really friends. I can even imagine what his voice sounded like when I knew him and that's always the first thing to go. It's frustrating because, while I remember the Movie Star so well, I'm losing pieces of people I desperately want to remember.

Today also happens to be a Full Moon in Cancer (aka, the Wolf Moon) - right on top of my natal Sun placement, mind you - and it's an excellent time for reflections, revelations, and emotional release. Memories - and having a particularly sharp memory - is a topic and trait closely associated with Cancerian nature. In an attempt to squeeze some brilliance out of this old grapefruit, my main intention for this year is to do daily morning pages. I wake up around 430 am in order to make time to do this and, as you can imagine, this gives me ample time for some prime navel gazing. I've been scraping the bottom of the barrel of my psyche - really digging that spatula into nooks and crannies - trying to figure out why this fucker keeps showing up in my dreams and my thoughts every few months. I think I finally understand. He never properly broke my heart. Sure, he rejected me and that sucked. Well, technically, I confessed my feelings to him and he said "I don't know," which I eventually concluded was a "no." But he could've easily taken advantage of how I felt about him and he didn't. The confusing signals and awkward flirting with me stopped, because I wouldn't have been so bold if I hadn't thought he reciprocated. He didn't keep me close so I could stroke his ego when he was feeling down. He didn't even try to be friends with me afterwards which, in hindsight, I'm really grateful for. It's cruel to try to force a friendship on someone who feels more intensely than you do, who wants more than that. Just peruse TikTok and Instagram to get a brief taste of how much emotional damage a "situationship" can cause.  No, I kept a respectful distance and he did the same. He may have rejected me but he never hurt me. As such, he serves as a beautiful, milquetoast security blanket that my mind goes to when thinking about more difficult things I'm going through. And for someone who often came off as full of himself, he was genuinely kind in a delicate situation. For that, I wish him well and hope he gets all the good things he deserves.

I know that was a crazy rant. We took a few left turns, so I'll try to get back on track. Let's talk about the song. As of this blog post, Billie Eilish is only 21 years old. This is the opening song to her album, "Happier Than Ever," which came out at the end of 2021. That means she was, at most, 19 years old when she wrote "Getting Older." Riddle me this - how does a 19-year-old write a song that perfectly describes where I (a 35-going-on-36 year old woman) am at in my own life? Obviously, she's much more self-aware than I was at 19. Keep in mind - the whole scenario with the Movie Star happened when I was 19, so clearly....I was a shit show. But I'm not sure I was this soul weary. Except for the time I went to Mass by myself and then cried for hours because I couldn't fake being a Catholic anymore (I'll call that fun escapade my Witch Awakening). Well, even if I wasn't soul weary then, I'm certainly feeling it now. My favorite lyrics are in the following verse (bolded for emphasis):

Last week, I realized I crave pity

When I retell a story, I make everything sound worse

Can't shake the feeling that I'm just bad at healing

And maybe that's the reason every sentence sounds rehearsed

Which is ironic because when I wasn't honest, I was still being ignored

(Lying for attention just to get neglection)

Now we're estranged

Can't shake the feeling that I'm just bad at healing. That line struck me because I feel it so often. Especially when I go over things in my mind - like the incident with the Movie Star - I just want to scream because why am I thinking about it when I don't care anymore? And that's the shit I can laugh at now. With things that feel fresher and more raw, I worry that I won't ever get over them, no matter how much therapy and shadow work I do. Why. Can't. I. Just. Get. Over. It. As I've said before, I'd really like to get to the not caring part because I hate to be the one who was hurt more. Trusting the process only gets you so far.

I'm getting older, I've got more on my shoulders

But I'm getting better at admitting when I'm wrong

I'm happier than ever, at least that's my endeavor

To keep myself together and prioritize my pleasure

'Cause to be honest, I just wish that what I promise

Would depend on what I'm given (not on his permission)

(Wasn't my decision) to be abused, mmm

I've taken on this whole "healing" endeavor because my children deserve a mom who is whole. I want them to have a better childhood than I had. The crazy thing is, I'm kind of grateful for the things I've been through. Would I want to go through them again or wish a similar experience on anyone? No, absolutely not. But I can see how it shaped the things I love best about myself. And as I get older, I'm able to view my mom with a more compassionate lens. It's not easy being a mother who feels like she's taking care of three girls by herself. Add a serious undiagnosed mental illness on top of that? Well, let's say things could've ended up much worse. It easily could've turned into an Andrea Yates situation. Or she could've abandoned us. Yet, as many times as she ran away, she always took us with her. I wish she had been happier when I was growing up. I wish she had more help. I wish she had asked for more help. Another pithy Instagram quote going around is "Just because my mother didn't break all generational curses didn't mean she broke none." I know that's confusing to read. I know she was doing her best with the hand she was dealt. Since I know better, I have to be better. Which includes becoming happier than ever, keeping myself together, and prioritizing my pleasure. Wise advice from a 19-year-old.

But next week, I hope I'm somewhere laughing

For anybody asking, I promise I'll be fine

I've had some trauma, did things I didn't wanna

Was too afraid to tell ya, but now, I think it's time

To wrap up this oddly emotional post, Billie ends the song talking about what she hopes for her future (as well as setting up the premise for the whole album). Throughout the album, "Happier Than Ever," Eilish recounts some of the trauma she endured. The songs are essentially mini-vignettes of her life. It's a fucking great album - I think it was rated as one of the best in 2021 - and the thing that makes great art is vulnerability. Ironically, the thing that helps most with "healing" is being able to tell your story. She alludes to this in the final lyric. I think we often hold back our feelings and avoid telling our story because we're afraid of hurting someone else or getting in trouble for what you reveal. But it's your story. We're allowed to express how we feel. We're allowed to tell the story how we experienced it, other people's feelings be damned. And, as an adult, we should be able to handle the fall out. I can write about the Movie Star because I love the dumb, dramatic girl who writes histrionic love letters to boys who flirt with everybody. It's part of who I am now, for better or worse. Even if recounting it makes me seem crazy. Well, it took a long time for me to fall in love with my crazy. And I know, eventually, I'll be able to write about the things that are hurting now. When it's time.

"Getting Older" Official Lyric Video

"Fighter" by Christina Aguilera

Happy Belated Bastille Day! As you may have guessed from my greeting, I intended to publish this yesterday but I was hit by a wave a fatigue and I decided to rest instead of write. It's not all the baby's fault. To be honest, it's mostly mine. It feels as if I have more work to do when I'm teleworking and I don't have that hard "stop" at the end of the day anymore. Being at home, I also feel obligated to stop whatever I'm doing to either parent/play with my child or clean during my breaks - and the cleaning imperative has gotten more urgent the longer I'm stuck at home. Also, my husband has my son and I on lockdown, so I don't even get to go on grocery trips anymore. And I enjoy those grocery shopping excursions. So, if I'm tired, it's because I'm doing too much and not taking enough time for self-care, as perusual. Trying to settle into a new routine but struggling with feeling guilty for taking time to myself? Yeah - sounds like Cancer season, alright.

After all of the stealing and cheating you probably think that

I hold resentment for you

But uh uh, oh no, you're wrong

'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do, I wouldn't know

Just how capable I am to pull through

So I want to say thank you

"Fighter" recounts Christina Aguilera's epic showdown against Spider Pig. "What?!" You may ask. Of course I'm making that up - I'm sure it's about some narcissist Christina encountered during her climb to fame, but I prefer the meaning my husband gave this song. It's kind of a ridiculous story but my husband's phone playlist contains both this song and the Spider Pig theme from "The Simpsons." Due to random chance, we were driving somewhere one day and these two songs play back-to-back. We got to talking about how Christina Aguilera looks like a comic book villain in the video. And, thus, Christina Aguilera became Spider Pig's archnemesis. We gave her a whole back story and everything. Believe me - Spider Pig did Christina way dirty. Anyway, it's hard to hear this song without giving it that context in my mind.

Never saw it coming, all of your backstabbing

Just so you could cash in on a good thing before I'd realize your game

I heard you're goin' round playin', the victim now

But don't even begin feeling I'm the one to blame

'Cause you dug your own grave

After all of the fights and the lies cause you're wanting to haunt me

But that won't work anymore, no more,

It's over

'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture

I wouldn't know how to be this way now and never back down

So I want to say thank you

A few weeks ago, I mentioned a lot of superheroes were born during Cancer season, which led me to develop a theory as to why Cancerians serve as the Superhero Archetype. Sailor Moon - a show which revolved around astrology - made the leader/ruler of the Sailor Scouts a Cancer. Usagi Tsukino (or Serena, in the American version - and, yes, at one point, I did know all the Sailor Scouts Japanese names) had many faults - she was whiny as shit, boy crazy, was always eating, and was often moping over some perceived slight. But, as she developed as a character, she did come to embody the Evolved Cancer energy, which I'll describe later on. Other superheroes follow similar arcs or come ready made in this archetype - Ray Palmer, the Atom and ultimate Good Guy; Mary Marvel; Johnny Thunder; and even Superman was adopted by the Kents during Cancer season. It's also interesting how many actors who often specialize in playing the "hero" are Cancers - a non-exhaustive list includes Harrison Ford, Vin Diesel, Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks, Sylvester Stallone, Chris Pratt, Patrick Stewart, Olivia Munn, and Milo Ventimiglia. Key historic events - especially those with revolutionary fervor, like Bastille Day and the 4th of July - occur during Cancer season. And let's not forget Captain America himself - Steve Rogers - is a Cancer and will serve as our primary example of the Superhero Archetype. So what is it about Cancerians that lends itself to superhero status?

Cardinal signs in general tend to be sensitive to injustice. However, unlike other Cardinal signs, Cancers have a tendency to be like, "Fuck your rules, this is wrong at the most basic level." Aries has a tendency to say "Fuck your rules" because it violates their own sense of independence. Libras have a tendency to go along with the rules to avoid conflict, while secretly opposing/undermining them. Capricorn, Cancer's opposite, comes from the perspective of "this is wrong because it violates the rules" - being ruled by Saturn, this sign has a complicated relationship with authority - they are more likely to argue against war crimes based on what the Geneva Convention says, not based on the damage it does to the individuals and communities impacted. The thing about opposites is they are often trying to accomplish similar things using different methods. When it comes to the Cancer-Capricorn axis, it's an Emotional approach vs a Logical approach. Cancers, in general, don't have a reputation for being rebellious. That being said, you press the wrong nerve or mess with the wrong person, and their tendency towards chaotic good comes out.

How could this man I thought I knew

Turn out to be unjust so cruel

Could only see the good in you

Pretended not to know the truth

You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself

Through living in denial

But in the end you'll see

You won't stop me

I've compiled a brief list of typical Cancerian attributes and how those reflect what society expects of a superhero:

• Cancerians have a fierce protective instinct over those who are unable (or need help) to defend themselves. Superheroes are meant to defend the weak and unheard. Cancerians tend to have an inflamed sense of justice - and will take action if it is in their power. And they have no qualms about putting themselves in danger to fight the good fight. Famous Cancerians - such as Frida Kahlo and Lena Horne - used their notoriety to bring attention and assist those in need. Lena Horne was active in the Civil Rights Movement and during WWII, refused to do USO performances for segregated audiences. Steve Rogers fucking jumps on a (fake) grenade to protect his fellow soldiers, which is the catalyst for him being selected to become Captain America. However, in real life, that shit is dangerous and stupid - and as a Cancer, I know I've done similar things in the service of Freedom, Beauty, Truth, and Love (Moulin Rouge reference). Maybe not as dangerous, but definitely as stupid.
• Cancerians are loyal - sometimes to a fault. We see this in Steve Rogers relationship with Bucky Barnes. Bucky did terrible things as a Soviet asset - but Steve still saw the good in him and refused to give up on him, even when Bucky was kicking his ass. There's this amazing YouTube analysis of the final fight scene in "Winter Soldier," explaining that the only reason Cap was fighting Bucky was to protect others. When he succeeded in this mission, he would've let Bucky kill him and it's this willingness to sacrifice his life to avoid hurting Bucky that ultimately broke the Soviet programming controlling the Winter Soldier.
• Evolved Cancerians understand and honor boundaries, although it may take them some time to do this for themselves. This is a fine line to walk, because Cancer - like fellow water signs Pisces and Scorpio - has issues with boundaries. They often cross them in an effort to protect or help others; and they'll often allow others violate their boundaries out of a misplaced fear that enforcing boundaries is unkind. Due to these issues, they'll let toxic people into their lives and will let them stay for a long time - until they learn to find the balance and protect themselves. Then, Cancer becomes an expert at loving and respecting people from a distance. It's a hard lesson to learn - to care for someone so much yet also understand that they can't be in your life for some reason. When Tony Stark cut ties with Steve after learning what Bucky did while he was being mind-controlled, it hurt Steve immensely. But he accepted that Stark needed space to heal. And that's what Cancers are good at - holding emotional space for others.
• Cancerians may move on, but they don't let go. The line which struck me most in "Avengers: End Game" was during the scene where Cap is leading a grief support group. Cap tells the attendees that "You just gotta move on." Then he repeats it quietly to himself. It struck me because - although he has adapted to life as a man displaced in time - he never fully let go of the hope that he'd be with Peggy Carter someday. Cancers are excellent at this. They can go through the motions and even find some semblance of happiness after a tragic event. But, in their heart of hearts, they still cling to the past and the hope that the perfect life they envisioned will someday come to fruition. They are idealists and romantics to the extreme. They are just really good at keeping that part of themselves secret from others.
• Cancerians are empathetic. They understand emotions and relationships at a deeper level than other astrological signs. As a result, they tend to reserve judgement. They may disagree with your opinions or beliefs, but they'll genuinely try to understand where you're coming from. Cancers have a reputation of being the Nice Guy or Good Girl of the zodiac - it's not undeserved. Evolved Cancerians tend to be "evolved" because they've faced some sort of hardship in their life. Because of these experiences, they try to keep in mind that everyone has their own story and pain to deal with. As such, characters like Ray Palmer and Steve Rogers tend to be the epitome of what a "good person" should be like. Kind, respectful, calm, friendly, protective, generous, and always willing to help someone in need. In other words, all the positive traits that Cancer energy embodies.

That's it for now. Thanks for reading this blatant Cancer stan post. You're picturing Spider Pig, aren't you? I told you - that guy is a fucking bastard for what he did to Christina.

"Fighter" Video

"Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis

Recently, I saw a tweet that declared that "we didn't deserve 'Bleeding Love' by Leona Lewis." And you know what? We really didn't. Judging by the number of comments on the video made within the last two weeks, I'm not alone in thinking this. Of course, I'm also profoundly aware of why people might be drawn to this particular song during this particular time. Many are socially isolated and may be ruminating on a relationship (either recent or long past) that failed, despite their best efforts. This song was one of the most powerful pop/R&B ballads of the early 2000s. Though Leona Lewis is not much more than a one-hit-wonder, her vocals imbued this song with a crushing level of emotional weight and depth, which is what brought it to the top of the charts during 2008 and landed it at #17 of Billboard's Top 100 for the Decade (2000-2009). The note she holds during the bridge is nothing short of a miracle, comparable only to the final lyrics in "Dreaming of You" as sung by Selena. I defy anyone listening to those songs to try to hold those notes as long - it's nigh impossible to do well unless you've had classical training. The lyrics tell of a situation in which the singer has fallen in love with someone and, in spite of what may be best for her, she can't walk away. They've created a wound that not only won't go away but that keeps being re-opened. She admits that maybe she is crazy, but is she? I can't say. Some wounds don't heal, you just learn to deal with the pain. The Wikipedia article describes the singer as being "blinded by love," but I'm not sure that's accurate. I think she's very aware of what's happening and that walking away is probably for the best. But it's just not that simple.

But something happened, for the very first time with you

My heart melts into the ground, found something true

And everyone's looking round, thinking I'm going crazy

This song came out in 2007 but it didn't really hit the airwaves in the United States until 2008. However, my most notable memory of this song was from an episode of "So You Think You Can Dance?" which was a show my older sister liked to watch when I stayed with her during Summer 2009. She is a very talented dancer and - although I am much less talented and trained than she is - I love to dance and enjoy the beauty and mechanics of choreography immensely. The two dancers, Chelsie and Mark, were two of my favorites for that season. The dance itself was highly narrative, portraying a couple, where Chelsie portrayed a woman trying to convince her lover (Mark) to stay instead. It's implied by his dress that he's a workaholic or he's using work to escape from their problems. The song is abridged (it's extremely tiring to dance to entire song - dancers are true athletes) so the shortened bridge becomes the climax of the choreography. During the rest of the dance, the movements are mirrored. Sometimes, the movements are loving, but more often, they're combative. He keeps pushing her away. As the music slows, the movements become more tender and loving but in the end, he makes motion that implies he takes her heart and leaves with it. Chelsie then performs a solo dance as Mark walks away, a moment of pure abandon that encompasses the chaos and destruction one might feel inside during such a moment. In the final pose, Chelsie stands in a broken stance as Mark looks back but doesn't return. Those final moments of the song are heartbreaking and sum up the emotional impact of the song beautifully.

In the past few months, I've been drawn to learning more about embodiment therapy and, more specifically, the use of dance - such as ecstatic dance - in healing work. Embodiment therapy is a form of somatic psychotherapy that focuses on reconnecting to one's bodily sensations to enable the healing process. It's particularly helpful for people who have trauma from eating disorders, physical abuse, self-mutilation, and sexual assault. In these instances, the person has disassociated from the need of their body to avoid reliving a psychological trauma. Often, the body is becomes an object to control, not an extension of their self. As such, the person begins to disconnect from the sensations of the body. For example, I would often ignore that I was hungry or ignore when my body was exhausted during a workout. However, recognizing those sensations through embodiment is extremely important when it comes to making healthy decisions. Like recognizing you feel like crap every time you drink or that you feel sick whenever you eat gluten. I still struggle with this - especially now that my pregnancy is starting to show, there's a palpable anxiety I'm starting to feel about gaining weight. Even if it's a healthy amount of weight, even if I'm wearing the smallest size in maternity clothes, it triggers this reptilian part of my brain that says "you need to stop eating." It's exacerbated now especially by the constant message that people should be using this time in isolation as some sort of "bikini boot camp" (i.e., 'Don't let yourself get flabby during quarantine!' as spoken by some IG model who is probably getting paid to workout anyway). For someone who has had the lesson "thin = beautiful" hammered into her since she was literally a toddler, pregnancy is a minefield of inner demons needing to be faced, especially when working out doesn't have visible results.

And it's draining all of me

Oh they find it hard to believe

I'll be wearing these scars, for everyone to see

However, dancing always felt good, to get the extra energy out. To get the extra anger out. To express the inexpressible. In dance classes, I struggled with loosening up and becoming less robotic - there's a point where performing the precision of a movement overpowers the 'natural-ness' and fluidity of the choreography. It's preferable to perform a movement that's less-than-perfect with an abundance of emotion than to perform a movement with technical perfection but a lifeless execution. With ecstatic dance, what matters most is that you allow your body to move with the music, as it sees fit. There are no rules, which is something I can get behind. As I've said before, dancing is my favorite way to raise energy for a magical working. I feel like it awakens and connects all the soul elements - physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual - the most. You can feel the energy running through your body afterwards, especially when you've chosen the perfect song to embody the spirit of the ritual you're performing.

To learn more, I've followed a lot of spiritual practitioners who use dance and embodiment as part of their spiritual practice. Karla Palomino, who is an embodiment facilitator and holistic teacher. Olivia, the Witch of Wonderlust (@thewitchofwonderlust), who is a young witch, YouTube creator, and pole fitness instructor - she often posts videos of her routines on IG. Then, of course, there's Gaby Herstik, who has used her self-isolation to take photographs of herself in lingerie ("nudes," but not really) and collage them with pictures of pretty flowers and witchy things. That's actually become a big thing lately, to take nudes of yourself just because. To build your own self-esteem, I suppose. Although the 'nudes' thing is generally part of Herstik's brand (which is very sex magick-oriented), I don't believe the intention is to share these photos with anyone. Maybe friends, but I don't think I have any friends who would be cool with me sending them random nudes. But I understand the practice and imagine it's very much like the empowerment some women feel when doing burlesque or pole dancing. It's your choice to share as much as you like. Anyway, I've gotten a bit rambling here at the end. This started out as a rant about how dance can be therapeutic and became incoherent nonsense about taking nude pictures, which sounds like a good note to end on. I've also included the clip from "So You Think You Can Dance?"

"Bleeding Love" Video

"SYTYCD?": Chelsie and Mark Hip Hop Routine

"You should be sad" by Halsey

Halsey released this song recently and it has been stuck in my head for the past few days. I guess it's catchy. The opening hook has a country twang to it. Not real country, but what a girl from New Jersey imagines all country songs sound like. The same Jersey girl who might depict line-dancing bars as cowboy sex parties in her music video. Wishful thinking! I like it, though.

The lyrics struck a chord. They're written like a letter. Some of the lyrics aren't pretty - they aren't the sort of things you say in a song. The words don't exactly rhyme - some rhyme in an incidental, unconventional way. Or the rhymes are too obvious, i.e., rhyming "sad" and "mad." You'll notice the title is just a statement. You should be sad. The operative word being "should." Implying that the person she's singing to isn't sad. Probably doesn't even think what they did was hurtful. And that really tells you everything about this situation. I remember someone asking on Facebook once about what pagans thought happened to bad people if they didn't believe in the concept of Hell as a place where people are punished for their misdeeds. I think my response was something along the lines of "we hope justice gets dealt in the end but we're aware that it might not...and we make peace with that fact." It's not comforting. But I'm pretty sure it's the closest I can get to the Truth. I spend a lot of time thinking about karma, even though I know karma doesn't work the way most people think it does. Honestly - and this is what I've struggled to grasp for the past three decades - is that most of the time, even when you tell someone that they've hurt you, their first reaction isn't to feel guilty. Their first reaction is usually to justify it. To invalidate how you feel because "they didn't intend to." And that's when you realize that you aren't looking for an apology, you just wish they felt a little bad about it. Knowing this and seeing this ugly shadow rise up in my misdeeds, I've tried to cultivate the art of a sincere apology. Of understanding the pain I've caused before I even say the words. Even though I'm not sure I've ever received a genuine apology myself. There have been times I've been tempted to write a letter that says much of the same things Halsey put into her lyrics. But I have doubts about how much good it would do. No matter how impactful the letter I wrote would be, there's no guarantee that the person reading it would even comprehend what they were reading. Sometimes, I wonder if the guy Halsey is writing these songs about knows they're about him. But then I remember - even if he does, the words are falling on deaf ears.

I'm gonna start this out by saying (By saying)

I really meant well from the start

Take a broken man right in my hands

And then put back all his parts

But you're not half the man you think that you are

And you can't fill the hole inside of you with money, girls, and cars

I'm so glad I never ever had a baby with you

'Cause you can't love nothing unless there's something in it for you

One of my latest hobbies as I dive deeper into astrology (among other things witchcrafty and spiritual) is watching a few of my favorite astrologers give the forecast for the changing cosmos. It's part of self-learning. I watch each of them, compare notes, see if what they're saying matches what the others are saying. There's variation in interpretation but there shouldn't be glaring inconsistencies. Usually, I'm listening to the same forecast two or three times - which I consider a good thing. Sometimes, the way one astrologer frames their ideas resonates more. Makes things click into place faster. Lately, I've been thinking I should also write down how the energy feels and my impressions of the current state of affairs before watching these videos. Because - usually - the forecast matches what I've been feeling build up in my own body, in my own mind. I'll notice if I feel more sluggish or if I'm having trouble focusing - and I'd like to correlate that data to what's happening in the biweekly astrological forecast. Use myself as an occult test subject, if you will. Anyway, we just had the Aquarius New Moon on Friday and all the astrologers said the same thing. A shift has definitely happened - everyone can feel it. But the inability to see it in the physical is causing frustration and impatience. There's also an uncomfortable square between Mars in Sagittarius and Venus/Neptune in Pisces. It's a feeling like there should be more happening right now than what is. We should be seeing more change in our world but everything is still static. Infuriatingly static. And we're getting frustrated because - even internally - we feel like we should've made more progress. We should've broken these old patterns already. We made the decision that things were going to be different in 2020 - Why is everything still the same?! But, I was watching another favorite tarot reader and she stated the uncomfortable truth about times like these - when it seems like nothing is changing, everything is. It's the calm before the storm. So, if you feel like a rubber band about to snap, take a breath - that's normal and everyone is feeling it. Uranus only went direct a couple weeks ago - he hasn't had a chance to get up to speed yet. Be patient.

Fun fact: A couple years ago, Halsey tweeted that she wanted to date Evan Peters. Guess who she's dating now? Yep....Evan Peters. That's some hella good manifestation magic. I wonder if that would work for me. Hey Universe, I want to be married to ...... who? Sebastian Stan? Henry Cavill? I don't even know if those guys are into sex magick....suppose it doesn't matter, since I'm not single anyway. Although, it is kind of surprising/disappointing that my celebrity crushes are actually somewhat close to my age now. Like everyone, I still feel very much like a teenager and, thus, I assume all my celebrity crushes are too old for me. Time is strange magic.

"You should be sad" Video

"Bang Bang" by Jessie J, Ariana Grande, and Nicki Minaj

Another short post today. My son loved this song when he was younger - he liked to dance to it. It had a good beat and, let's face it, a toddler's idea of dancing is just jumping up and down really fast. Which is pretty fun in its own right. Besides - this three-way collab is fire emoji.

Sure she got a body like an hourglass

But I can give it to you all the time

Sure she got a booty like a Cadillac

But I can send you into overdrive (oh)

You've been waiting for that

Step on up, swing your bat

You see anybody could be bad to you

You need a good girl to blow your mind, yeah

The story behind this song is pretty simple. As if you can't tell from the hella dirty lyrics (in particular, Nicki Minaj's super suggestive rap bridge), it's about three girls vying for the attention of a guy. This song is 100x funnier if you imagine the guy they're singing about is the hot barista at Starbucks and he has no idea the girls he's serving are having naughty fantasies about him over their lattes and frappucinos. That's my alternate music video idea for "Bang Bang." Somebody needs to make that happen. I need a good laugh.

"Bang Bang" Video

"Hotter Than Hell" by Dua Lipa

The last couple of posts were super serious, so I wanted to choose something more fun and upbeat for today. This is quickly becoming one of my favorite songs when I go running...or when I'm practicing some S-Factor moves alone in my room. As I said in an earlier post, Latina women are kind of having a moment, especially in music, and that was very evident at the Grammy's this year, with Dua Lipa winning Best New Artist and Best Dance Recording; Cardi B winning Best Rap Album (on top of being nominated for 7 awards); and Ariana Grande winning Best Pop Vocal album in a category that included stiff competition like Taylor Swift and P!nk. Camila Cabello had two nominations and, although she didn't win anything, her performance of "Havana" was on fire.

Dua Lipa wrote this song after a toxic relationship, where the guy basically used her for sex and misused her emotions. By the end of it, she felt like she was worthless. This relationship is featured in many of her songs, one of which I plan to use for another post later this month. Instead of focusing on how she was used, she wrote this song to twist around the situation so that she was in control. Again, another artist transmuting her dark experiences into something magical. In the song, she's the one who has the power, like he's the one being used for her pleasure. A temptress. He can try but he can't get away. The lyrics are quite aggressive, which is one of the things that makes it a great "song to strip to" (yes, I have a whole list of these that I'll eventually write down, don't worry). I can understand the sentiment. I have a tendency to be "aggressive" in relationships....and I'm going to be honest, that's never worked out for me. Mr. Nice Guy said I "kissed too passionately." The Moviestar was - I don't know - not interested in being chased....so I didn't. I'm a once bitten, twice shy kind of girl - you only get one chance and it's gone if you don't take it. And honestly, the only times things sort of worked out is when they chased me, so the lesson I learned here is that if he's not chasing, he's not interested. Yes, I know some guys are too shy or scared to chase. That's too bad - I don't fuck with cowards. Not anymore. Not ever again.

(SLANG NOTE: By "I don't fuck with cowards," I mean I don't bother with them, I don't waste my time, not the literal meaning of "fuck" - although it does, technically, mean that too. I know I have a lot of international readers who aren't familiar with American Millennial Twitterisms, so I thought a clarification might be in order.)

You're my manna from heaven

We all gotta get fed

Can't let me know I'm wanted

Can't let me in your head

I'm not here to make you kneel

But it's praise that I'll get

You ain't gonna walk free boy

Not finished with you yet, no

The "I don't fuck with cowards thing" also goes for my own life as well. (I am a Gryffindor, after all...) I decided to re-read "Eat, Pray, Love" again, after recently reading a piece by the author, Elizabeth Gilbert. This book made a major impact on my life and, re-reading it, it's astonishing how much of my current inner guidance is reflected within its pages. Gilbert always struck me as so brave, to choose to blow up her life in order to be happy. I've found a kindred spirit in Gilbert and not only because she is also a Cancer Sun with Gemini Rising (although I found that an amusing coincidence....the first time I read the book, I probably didn't care, but with my newfound hobby as an amateur astrologist, I understand a lot of the similarities between me and her, which may be why I resonated with her story so much, even as a teenager). I am now the same age as she was when her story - the journey she describes in the book - initially began and, in many ways, I find myself facing the same questions. What do I really want? For her, in the aftermath of a messy divorce, that question was answered at first with a desire to learn Italian and visit her Guru's ashram. I also desperately want to learn Italian and have decided that now is as good a time as any to start discovering one of my ancestral languages. Especially after reading her passionate words about the language and saying some of her favorite words out loud, I feel like it's time to try it out. She thought learning Italian was kind of a random desire, especially for a WASP girl from Connecticut, but she still followed it. It was one that had eaten at her for years, which got me thinking...What is a desire that has eaten at me for years?

When I run, it's kind of a meditative action for me. A time to let my mind and imagination run free. Sometimes, I imagine I am a superhero. Or spy in training. And those fantasies are fun, I'll admit. But my favorite fantasy, lately, has been imagining myself as a Burlesque performer. For a long time, when I heard songs, I would construct whole Burlesque routines around them. And not just the dance routines, but the costumes, the lighting, the props, the scenery.....everything. Everything that goes into a performance. But I've never put it into action and lately, I've been asking myself "Why not?" I'll go through Instagram and see posts from the Suicide Girls' BlackHeart Burlesque, and think, "I could do that....I could do that well." And again, that infuriatingly calm, insistent voice - "Why don't you?" And I think there's a lot of shame and fear behind it, because when I've expressed interest in the Burlesque world in the past, the reaction I've gotten from people was, "Really? That's kind of out of character for you, isn't it?" Now, I'm realizing...no, it isn't out of character for me. It's out of character for the idea people had/have of me, which is the bookish, quiet type. A lot of people don't know I'm a natural performer but I am, always have been, since I was a little girl. In high school, my best friend's mom told me I glowed when I was on stage. And I do. I really do. Anyway, there's something in me who wants to explore this and the interest hasn't gone away after 15+ years, so maybe it's time to take action. Take a class or two. Even if I just perform for myself or my partner, I know it's something I want to do, a skill I want to learn, and that's probably not going to change.

Let's talk about the video. Dua Lipa does dance music, essentially, so it's what you'd expect a dance music video to be like. Dancing seductively in a warehouse with a bunch of other young, gorgeous people. For the record, I find Dua Lipa extremely beautiful. I'm finding that I'm attracted to all my spiritual guides, musical or otherwise, because of their beauty. And it's not that I'm attracted to women - honestly not interested in sex with women at all - I'm just very drawn to feminine beauty. I guess I have a latent desire to embody it, so I seek out people that I see that in. Figure I can learn something from them, you know? I understand that's a weird perspective - to see beautiful women as teachers and allies, not competition. Because, fundamentally, I don't believe their beauty detracts from mine, because it's something wholly separate and unique and worthy of admiration. It's not a threat, it's a gift. Personally, I think this is a good perspective, and it's certainly been healthier for my self-esteem. I'll probably be exploring this more next month, but you know....I love a good prologue.

"Hotter Than Hell" Video

"On Hold" by The Xx

I don't know why, but I'm feeling this song tonight. I had originally picked out another song but I changed my mind. This song is kind of sad because it's about missed opportunities, especially for young love. It speaks to harsh lessons that some people have to learn sooner than others. About accepting the reality of a situation and choosing not to feed it anymore.

In the song - and in the video for the song - you have a girl who is in love with a boy. But she perceives that he's not as interested - either he's flaky or he's chasing after other people or not giving her the attention she wants - whatever it is, he's not showing up and meeting her in the middle, but he still thinks she'll be around whenever he wants her. So, without resentment or anger, she's walking away completely because she deserves better. Now, he regrets it and realizes his mistake. But it's too late, she's not coming back. Not without a major change anyway. And maybe not ever, in spite of whatever Grand Romantic Gesture he's considering. That's a hard lesson to learn. To not take someone for granted, not to treat them like they'll always be there, because that's never the case. Ever. Likewise, it's a hard lesson to learn not to let people take advantage of you - claiming your attention, your thoughts, your energy - when they're not earning it. But I think a lot of people - both men and women - accept it because they're afraid to be alone. Maybe being alone is not so bad, though, especially when someone's treating you like an option instead of the option. In that case, walking away might be the only move you can make. Make it a clean break. And accept that it's the end, because if the other person didn't want it to be the end, they would've tried harder to keep you around.

My young heart

Chanced to believe

We were destined

Young hearts

All need love

Call it a lesson

The stars and the charts and the cards make sense

Only when we want them to

When I lie awake staring in to space

I see a different view

This song came out a few years ago and it's the above verse that caught my attention (of course it would...I'm so predictable when it comes to esoteric references). This is silly but, once upon a time, 19-year-old me thought that The Moviestar (formerly The Muse) and I were meant to be. To be fair, he seemed interested at the time. But that was all in my head and it took me a long time - longer than I'd care to admit - that it was never going to happen. Thinking about it now, I thought he'd be a (fairly large) chapter in my memoir but now I realize he was just a footnote. I'm not even sure I really liked him as a person, just the idea of who he was in my head. Now, when you actually like the person, that makes walking away a lot harder. But if they're not matching your energy, then it's probably for the best, because you deserve someone who is enthusiastic to meet you halfway. It becomes easy for them, because they want to do it. Think of Morticia and Gomez - although she may be more reserved and cool, she still has the same intense passion for Gomez that he has for her. They never fight but that doesn't mean they don't have disagreements - they resolve differences calmly and with understanding of the other's perspective. Although we never see it onscreen, it's always hinted that they have an active sex life. They always make an effort to be their best selves for each other. And finally, they're a team....in everything!

Anyway, to sum up for the young'uns - don't settle just because you're lonely. Don't let people use you. If you want more than someone is willing to give you, walk away because - if you want to - you'll find someone who will give you what you're looking for. And if you happen to be in the reverse situation, don't for one moment think you're entitled to someone's affection or attention. If you're interested, be interested. And don't be surprised if they don't stick around when you're acting lukewarm. And there's your daily dose of Love Advice with Dr. Jess (pretty sure I'm ready for my own radioshow....like Dr. Laura but not really like Dr. Laura cuz I kinda fucking hate her).

Let's talk about the video for a moment, because this is one of those very rare video where I actually like that it's an extremely literal translation of the lyrics. It follows two high schoolers who hooked up at a party, she thought it was going somewhere but then he ghosted her or something and now, she's done. In fact, the girl after the whole debacle seems a lot colder, a lot less loving. And that's the risk - when this sort of thing happens to people, it makes them a lot less trusting, a lot more afraid to be vulnerable, which is essential when you want to find love. They've lost their ability to love...and some people never get that back. Trust me. I have a psychology degree.

"On Hold" Lyrics

Song du Jour: "In My Blood" by Shawn Mendes

I heard this song about a month ago, which was the perfect time. I've been going through some turmoil, lately, which culminated yesterday with an assault of emotions. Stress from planning and hosting a party, acclimating to new job responsibilities, awkward social situations, and saying goodbye (but not really goodbye) to a good friend who is moving on to her next challenge at a new job. That's not to say there hasn't been good parts. I think I'm reaching some sort of equilibrium. I've actually felt really happy once in a while in the past couple weeks. Of course, when I'm happy, I tend to run my mouth. I'm sure people are like, "Man...Jess won't shut up," but whatever. They'll deal with it. I'm allowed to be happy.

Anyway, I've discovered - or decided, more like - that I really like Shawn Mendes as an artist. His song lyrics always have an intensely graphic quality. For example, take the bridge from "Mercy" - "Consuming all the air inside my lungs/Ripping all the skin from off my bones/I'm prepared to sacrifice my life/I would gladly do it twice." Holy crap, that's dark. "Mercy" is about inspiration and how it can take you dark places, as per some interview he did for an LA radio station. I dig it, Shawn. Of course, Shawn Mendes is one of those insanely attractive but also disgustingly talented kids whom you kind of hope bursts into flames. But only sometimes.

"In My Blood" is about how sometimes you want to give up - which some people do - but that's just not who he is. And it's not me, either. Sure, I'll bottle all that madness up inside but at least, on the outside, it will seem like I have my shit together. It's exhausting, sometimes. But people - like my son and my mom - depend on me to be strong, to hold things together, to provide some stability. So you take a few deep breaths, put on your big girl panties, and just do it.

Discover Monday: San Antonio

I've lived in San Antonio for a year already and haven't even checked out the local scene. Work and such. Bleh. Anyway, I decided it was high time to see what was out there in my adopted hometown. The Verdict? Not much. At least that, not much that I could find with a cursory search of Google and - let's face it - if you're not on the first page of Google, you don't exist on the Internet.

I did find The Delviews, and - I'll tell ya - I don't hate it. Punk music with some ska influence. First song of their EP, which you can find for free here, was called "Hello Bones" and although I couldn't quite understand all the lyrics, I think it was about anorexia nervosa. I can dig it -- I've fought my own battle with Ana & Mia -- but that's a list for another day. A darker one. Maybe a Wildcard Wednesday some time in the near future. The song I think I enjoyed the most was "Looks Like You Just Broke Out of Lesbian Prison." I have no idea if the title has anything to do with what it was about but it was dark and soulful and hey, Orange Is The New Black just released a second season so why not? Overall, not bad for an EP - the mixing wasn't terrible, the vocals could be cleaner, but it's short, free, and the songs might grow on you. Give it a listen and if you like it and live in the San Antonio metropolitan area, get out and see 'em.

I also found Elora Valdez and if you enjoy yourself some Taylor Swift (I do!) and Selena Gomez (...er...when I'm drunk....). What's this kid about? You guessed it! Clean, sweet pop sugar with a slight country twang. The girl is 14-years-old and she sings about boys and being young and a whole bunch of stuff those of us on the edge of death don't quite remember. But the songs are catchy and she has a cute face and more importantly, she's obviously working her ass off. She's doing quite a few shows over the summer -- about one a week, some of which are on the same day -- and that's why she can afford professional quality tracks on her ReverbNation page and 38,000 fans. That's pretty impressive for any local artist. Shit, the kid even has decent quality merch....

I save the best for last ..... local trio The Rich Hands are more my speed. Think The Black Keys mixed with a hefty dose of 50s Rockabilly goodness. Their sound reminds of an early 60s beach filled with hipster teenagers -- all laidback and cool with a mysterious twang i.e. a solid bass line. I would be down to just hang out with these guys and listen to them jam, because that's what's best about blues-y bands -- they know their instruments and can just make it up on the fly and it'll sound good. You can get lost in the music and that's all I'm really looking to do most of the time. The recordings aren't quite as crisp as maybe you'd get from a big studio but it definitely gives the songs an old school vibe. I'm cool with that -- I've been listening to a lot of vinyl lately, anyway -- but I know some people *cough*The Boyfriend*cough* can't stand even a hint of static when listening to mp3s. For what it's worth, I'm really enjoying it. You can download the album at their bandcamp -- no price listed but paying supporters also get unlimited streaming on the Bandcamp app.

Discover More, Music Sluts!