Another Year Wiser... ("Void" by Melanie Martinez)

Doubtful, but here we are. Like it does every year, my birthday rolled around again....about two months ago. If you can believe it, I did start writing this in July so....can I count that as progress? Whatever, I'm counting it. You know those fairytales where there's a wizened old woman who lives at the edge of the forest? I'm as old as those witches helped the young heroine on her quest. No, seriously - they were all roughly 37-years-old. People didn't live much longer back in the olden times. Cross my heart and kiss my elbow. Given the age of the typical fairytale ingenue is around 16/17, it does not surprise me that they would think someone of that age was ancient. I mean - just look at how Gen Z views Millennials. They steal all our childhood trends then call us cringe for telling them how things were before the Internet.

Pipe down with the noise, I cannot bear my sorrow

I hate who I was before

I fear I won't live to see the day tomorrow

Someone tell me if this is Hell

Somewhere a few years back, my line of existential questioning switched from "what am I doing with my life?" to "what do I enjoy doing with my life?" And the frustrating thing about it is I know exactly what that answer is but the bounds of time to enjoy those simple pleasures are suffocating. Is this Middle Age? Ugh, it feels gross. It doesn't feel like I've been alive this long...but I have and I'm both impressed and horrified. From my perspective, I'm a teenager stuck in a (near) 40-year-old's body, unsure of what lesson I was supposed to learn to end this Freaky Friday. I'm not grown up enough to make these decisions! Someone, get the manager! And then I realize - oh shit! - I am the manager. I girlboss'd way too hard and now I'm only seven promotions away from being the CEO of a whole company! I'm exaggerating, of course. Yes, it is only 7 promotions, but I'm at a level where it's highly unlikely I'll get promoted unless someone really fucks up (or leaves under mysterious circumstances, which happens disturbingly often). I'm unsure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. All I know is this ambivalence I feel could become a problem.

Like a priest behind confession walls, I judge myself

Kneelin' on a metal grater

Bloody, like a body that has died, and it's myself

Tangled in my own intestines

I realize I never gave an update - I did, in fact, get that promotion I was hoping for back in March. And the raise they gave me wasn't too shabby - they met my (rather high) expectations and effectively brought me up to the same level as other ISSMs. Even so, mo' money, mo' problems. I'm at a point where I'm starting to see the cracks in the foundation and the flaws of our leadership really close up, and it's kind of terrifying. At my last job, our head honcho would have these Section Lead meetings and our four-panels had a section for "Whirlwind." Whirlwind, in corporate speak, is all the stuff - the little fires, the last-minute tasks, the unforeseen consequences of a past decision - that is creating chaos in an otherwise perfect plan. My workdays sometimes seem like nothing but whirlwind. And my direct supervisors (yes, due to uncommunicated corporate reorganization, I've changed supervisors more than once in the last year) are never the leaders I need them to be. Involved, but not overbearing. Reachable when I need them to be, but otherwise letting me do my own thing as a leader. Provides feedback regularly and recognizes how hard I'm working. They always lack the teeth I'm desperately hoping they have. The lack the insight and vision I have but am too low on the totem pole to convey, because it's still way above my pay grade. And yet I keep doing it anyway. I'm burnt out. I'm so burnt out, I read a whole book about how to make it better ("Burnout" by Emily and Amelia Nagoski).

Baby

I'm spinnin' around the corner

It's tastin' kinda lonely

And my mind wants to control me

I chose "Void" as my song of the year primarily because I was already feeling this energy when I started writing in July. I also in soulful agreement with the following lyric in the chorus: I gotta escape the void, there is no other choice.

The truth - my truth - is that I envision a totally different reality for myself. It revolves around writing and creating, which - while being one of those fulfilling outlets cited in "Burnout" that can relieve the overwhelming exhaustion I feel - is simultaneously incredibly hard to do when you're feeling burnt out. It's not even about the time factor. I only need 15-30 minutes a day to make progress! It's that my brain is literal mush when I get home from work. Couple that with having high standards for the work I release and the fear of being seen, and it becomes a vicious cycle continually leading me to feel so disappointed in myself. My seeming lack of discipline. My poor time management skills. My lack of focus. Then, of course, the fear I lack talent. I could go on but, to be honest, I'm a bit tired of punching myself in the gut for being exhausted all the time and for failing to be a creative in a system hellbent on destroying anything and everything, as long as it's profitable. I'm tired, but I'm trying. I want to believe it's worth doing the thing just to say I did the thing. I'm trying to uncouple my writing practice from the need for anything to become of it. One of the podcasts I listen to cited an Aleister Crowley quote to describe the guest's success from projects that initially began as aimless. “For pure will, unassuaged of purpose, delivered from the lust of result, is every way perfect.” Thus, writing for no other reason than to write will manifest this new reality I'm craving. Hey, a girl can hope.....

C-c-c-collect

My fickle insecurities

And turn them into beauty

Alchemize the dark within me (ah)

Before this turned into a rant about my shortcomings, I was going to go over what my Solar Return chart looks like. Well, we're several paragraphs in already, so I'll try to keep it to the Cliff's Notes. I'm in a 2nd House profection year, so heavy emphasis on income, values, and purpose. Cancer is the sign in my natal 2nd House, which means the ruler - the Moon - is my timelord for this year. That means every time the moon shifts into a new sign or makes a critical aspect, it's significant in some way for my life (Oh, goody...). My rising sign for this solar year is Taurus, placing the Sun in the 3rd House, so the other big themes for this year are Community, Communication, Siblings/Extended Family, and a lot of other Mercury-related stuff. It's not surprising - my sister is getting married this year and (as previously noted) I'm trying to put more emphasis on my writing goals. The Moon was almost at the New Moon in my solar return chart, so a New Beginning related to the 3rd House topics is likely to happen this year. With my ascendent-descendent on the Taurus-Scorpio axis, it's a very stable year in terms of self and partnerships. A quite grounded, sensual, deeply loving energy - that's what I normally associate with this axis. 

Pluto is squarely on top of the solar return Midheaven in Aquarius, so some innovative transformation is in store for my public image and possibly my overall career. My natal Midheaven is in Aquarius (9th House - Higher Education, Philosophy, Religion, Publishing), so this possibly represents a pivotal moment in that area of my life. Finally, Jupiter is in Gemini (finally), which is my natal 1st House and is the 2nd House in my 2024 solar return house. Good fortune and blessing around my identity, income, values, and possessions. Overall, the aspects for this year were largely beneficial but the scattering of placements is kind of messy. I feel like that's a metaphor - the year will feel chaotic but things will likely end in a good place for me. At least, that is how I'm choosing to see it. 

I gotta escape the void, there is no other choice, yeah

Tryna turn off the voices, the void ate me

Look at the mess I've done, there is nowhere to run, yeah

Holdin' a loaded gun, the void

Part of my new birthday tradition is to make a playlist celebrating me and where I am at that given moment in my life. A sort of time capsule, if you will. Check it out if you want - Jessica is Awesome! Mix, Vol 2: In My Feels. 

"Void" Music Video

The Apotheosis of Jessica ("I Am Not A Woman, I'm A God" by Halsey)

If you can believe it (and I'm sure you can), I began writing this post around my birthday. I know. I'm terrible. One of my New Year's resolutions was to write at least 50 blog posts this year and I'm already on a bad trajectory. I know it's possible - there are years where I've put in well over a hundred posts on this blog. Recent years, too! I've just not felt up to it for various reasons. Perfectionism being one, fear of being seen being another, and lack of motivation trumping both of those other two most of the time. I've decided this is the year of Authenticity - telling it like it is, becoming okay with imperfection, and expressing myself in spite of who it might upset. In astrological terms, this is kind of a big year for me, too. It's a first house profection year, which usually means that everything is subject to change, even if it's just tiny things. And this first 6 months - as you may have noticed from my December posts - have started out with some massive changes within my family, career, and home life. To be honest, I'm a little exhausted.

Every day I've got a smile where my frown goes

A couple bodies in the garden where the grass grows

I take 'em with me to the grave in a suitcase

Maybe I could be a different human in a new place

This year, I chose "I am Not a Woman, I'm a God" as the energy I wanted to embody going into my fourth tour through the zodiac (for those who are following, I turned 36 and my natal chart starts in Gemini). I intended to be un-fuck-withable. In the honor of full disclosure, mistakes were made in those first couple months. There was a brief return to unsatisfying situations and behaviors, there was a bit of delulu wishful thinking on my part. It took me an embarrassing amount of time to course correct. I may have gone into a depressive rabbit hole for a minute before returning to my baseline of being pretty much unstoppable when I want to be. It is what it is. At the start of 2024, I am under no illusion that this upcoming year is going to be easy....but it could be good for me. I'm starting off strong - I've shown that I really did deserve a promotion and I'm looking forward to a decent compensation adjustment. We're fully moved into our new house. And I've upped my pole training to 3X a week and added some mobility/flexibility training on top of it, so I can reach my pole goals. I have a lot to work toward and a lot to look forward to in 2024, and the brief detours in 2023 served as reminders of who I want to be and what I must let go of to get there.

Just a brief look at what's coming up in my solar return chart - Jupiter, planet of luck and optimism, will be entering Gemini in 2024. Super good for me and my fellow Gemini risings. Pluto is entering Aquarius, which rules my 9H - this year begins my Pluto square (natal Pluto in Scorpio). Over the next 20 years, I'm hoping that I'll get a boost to achieve my writing dreams (9H rules over publishing, among other things, and my Midheaven also lives there as well). During this year, the nodes are on the Aries-Libra axis, with the North Node being in Aries and the South Node being in Libra. This is my natal node placement and my nodes are placed in the more joyful house - the 11H and 5H, so definitely some changes in my community, friendships, creative pursuits, and romantic ventures. Mercury is retrograding in fire signs, so I imagine how I express myself with others is going to get a little spicy as well - fire signs fall in my 3H, 7H, and 11H, all of which have influence over some level of interpersonal relationships. As I said, this should be an interesting year - not just for me but for all of us - in a decade of interesting years.

Oh

I just wanna feel something, tell me where to go

'Cause everybody knows something I don't wanna know

So I'll stay right here 'cause I'm better all alone

Yeah, I'm better all alone

Let's talk about Halsey and "I am not a woman, I'm a God." This song comes from her most recent album, aptly named "If I Can't Have Love, I Want Power." It's a fair trade off, especially when the choice is mostly out of your hands. It's one many women make. If I can't have love, I want power. Or wealth. Or fame. Or beauty. Or even more simply... security. What I find myself asking this year is.....why can't I have it all? I'm finding myself (and I see this in the collective culture, too) wanting to transition from an EITHER/OR mindset to a BOTH/AND framework. You can love the work you do AND want to take a vacation once in a while. You can want to be seen and put your art out there or be a public figure AND deserve a certain level of privacy in your personal life. You can have BOTH an outstanding career AND a fulfilling home life. I think for many people - myself included - we felt forced to make a choice between things that didn't actually have to be a choice....we just assumed it was because that's what we were conditioned to believe.

I'm reminded of the story of Persephone, whose name I adopted as my pole persona. In the story, she is kidnapped and taken down to the Underworld to be Hades Queen and Consort. Demeter petitioned Zeus and he decreed Persephone could return as long as she hadn't eaten the food of the Dead. But she did....she ate six pomegranate seeds and, thus, Zeus negotiated that she would spend 6 months of the year in the Underworld and 6 months with her mother in the Upper Realms. There are many tellings of this story - that she was forced to eat or she was so hungry that she needed to eat something and she thought the seeds were harmless. But I believe she made an intentional choice to eat those six arils. Persephone was a goddess in her own right before she was taken - she knew the rules and she ate the pomegranate anyway. As Demeter's daughter and the Goddess of Spring, she only knew one life - a life of safety and abundance, but ultimately, one under her mother's control. In the Underworld, she got a taste of power and freedom. She was seen as her own person and was worshipped like a Queen by both her husband and all the Beloved Dead in his kingdom. Persephone wanted both - and she figured out a way to make it work.

Every morning, got a hollow where my heart goes

I never listen, but I see you with my eyes closed

I know you, I remember from the grass stain

Maybe I could be a better human with a new name

In the lyrics of "I am not a woman, I'm a god," Halsey ponders the straddle women have to make in life. It's you're typical Madonna/Whore situation - either you are sexy and powerful, and therefore, not "good" in terms of current societal standards; or you do conform to this perfect housewife image and thus, cannot have a fullness of life outside the family unit. I think I've always felt the pressure of this dichotomy growing up, but it has become more apparent since I've become a mother. As a young woman, I was always very comfortable with the more sexual side of the equation (this blog is named "Music Slut," for chrissakes) but once you choose to make that transition to motherhood, I've seen that it does become less acceptable. I've only recently started telling others about my pole journey and a lot of the responses from other women have been, "Oh, you must do that for your husband." And I really don't....I do it because I love the challenge, I love the art form, I love being able to work towards doing some really athletically impressive feats. But even when I try to explain that, they never believe me. And with this kind of attitude, it's easy to fall into ambivalence. Tell me where to go, tell me how to be, I'll make it easy for you because being myself is too hard to understand. 

I am not a woman, I'm a God

I am not a martyr, I'm a problem

I am not a legend, I'm a fraud

So keep your heart, 'cause I already got one

I am not a woman, I'm a God

I am not a martyr, I'm a problem

I am not a legend, I'm a fraud

Keep your heart, 'cause I already

That's what makes this song perfect for my year of Authenticity. I can't please everyone but I can be proud and happy of who I am. It's none of my business what other people think of me. But it is my business to become the person I've always wanted to be. And if someone doesn't like who I am, that's really more of a "them problem." 

"I Am Not A Woman, I'm A God" Video