The Apotheosis of Jessica ("I Am Not A Woman, I'm A God" by Halsey)

If you can believe it (and I'm sure you can), I began writing this post around my birthday. I know. I'm terrible. One of my New Year's resolutions was to write at least 50 blog posts this year and I'm already on a bad trajectory. I know it's possible - there are years where I've put in well over a hundred posts on this blog. Recent years, too! I've just not felt up to it for various reasons. Perfectionism being one, fear of being seen being another, and lack of motivation trumping both of those other two most of the time. I've decided this is the year of Authenticity - telling it like it is, becoming okay with imperfection, and expressing myself in spite of who it might upset. In astrological terms, this is kind of a big year for me, too. It's a first house profection year, which usually means that everything is subject to change, even if it's just tiny things. And this first 6 months - as you may have noticed from my December posts - have started out with some massive changes within my family, career, and home life. To be honest, I'm a little exhausted.

Every day I've got a smile where my frown goes

A couple bodies in the garden where the grass grows

I take 'em with me to the grave in a suitcase

Maybe I could be a different human in a new place

This year, I chose "I am Not a Woman, I'm a God" as the energy I wanted to embody going into my fourth tour through the zodiac (for those who are following, I turned 36 and my natal chart starts in Gemini). I intended to be un-fuck-withable. In the honor of full disclosure, mistakes were made in those first couple months. There was a brief return to unsatisfying situations and behaviors, there was a bit of delulu wishful thinking on my part. It took me an embarrassing amount of time to course correct. I may have gone into a depressive rabbit hole for a minute before returning to my baseline of being pretty much unstoppable when I want to be. It is what it is. At the start of 2024, I am under no illusion that this upcoming year is going to be easy....but it could be good for me. I'm starting off strong - I've shown that I really did deserve a promotion and I'm looking forward to a decent compensation adjustment. We're fully moved into our new house. And I've upped my pole training to 3X a week and added some mobility/flexibility training on top of it, so I can reach my pole goals. I have a lot to work toward and a lot to look forward to in 2024, and the brief detours in 2023 served as reminders of who I want to be and what I must let go of to get there.

Just a brief look at what's coming up in my solar return chart - Jupiter, planet of luck and optimism, will be entering Gemini in 2024. Super good for me and my fellow Gemini risings. Pluto is entering Aquarius, which rules my 9H - this year begins my Pluto square (natal Pluto in Scorpio). Over the next 20 years, I'm hoping that I'll get a boost to achieve my writing dreams (9H rules over publishing, among other things, and my Midheaven also lives there as well). During this year, the nodes are on the Aries-Libra axis, with the North Node being in Aries and the South Node being in Libra. This is my natal node placement and my nodes are placed in the more joyful house - the 11H and 5H, so definitely some changes in my community, friendships, creative pursuits, and romantic ventures. Mercury is retrograding in fire signs, so I imagine how I express myself with others is going to get a little spicy as well - fire signs fall in my 3H, 7H, and 11H, all of which have influence over some level of interpersonal relationships. As I said, this should be an interesting year - not just for me but for all of us - in a decade of interesting years.

Oh

I just wanna feel something, tell me where to go

'Cause everybody knows something I don't wanna know

So I'll stay right here 'cause I'm better all alone

Yeah, I'm better all alone

Let's talk about Halsey and "I am not a woman, I'm a God." This song comes from her most recent album, aptly named "If I Can't Have Love, I Want Power." It's a fair trade off, especially when the choice is mostly out of your hands. It's one many women make. If I can't have love, I want power. Or wealth. Or fame. Or beauty. Or even more simply... security. What I find myself asking this year is.....why can't I have it all? I'm finding myself (and I see this in the collective culture, too) wanting to transition from an EITHER/OR mindset to a BOTH/AND framework. You can love the work you do AND want to take a vacation once in a while. You can want to be seen and put your art out there or be a public figure AND deserve a certain level of privacy in your personal life. You can have BOTH an outstanding career AND a fulfilling home life. I think for many people - myself included - we felt forced to make a choice between things that didn't actually have to be a choice....we just assumed it was because that's what we were conditioned to believe.

I'm reminded of the story of Persephone, whose name I adopted as my pole persona. In the story, she is kidnapped and taken down to the Underworld to be Hades Queen and Consort. Demeter petitioned Zeus and he decreed Persephone could return as long as she hadn't eaten the food of the Dead. But she did....she ate six pomegranate seeds and, thus, Zeus negotiated that she would spend 6 months of the year in the Underworld and 6 months with her mother in the Upper Realms. There are many tellings of this story - that she was forced to eat or she was so hungry that she needed to eat something and she thought the seeds were harmless. But I believe she made an intentional choice to eat those six arils. Persephone was a goddess in her own right before she was taken - she knew the rules and she ate the pomegranate anyway. As Demeter's daughter and the Goddess of Spring, she only knew one life - a life of safety and abundance, but ultimately, one under her mother's control. In the Underworld, she got a taste of power and freedom. She was seen as her own person and was worshipped like a Queen by both her husband and all the Beloved Dead in his kingdom. Persephone wanted both - and she figured out a way to make it work.

Every morning, got a hollow where my heart goes

I never listen, but I see you with my eyes closed

I know you, I remember from the grass stain

Maybe I could be a better human with a new name

In the lyrics of "I am not a woman, I'm a god," Halsey ponders the straddle women have to make in life. It's you're typical Madonna/Whore situation - either you are sexy and powerful, and therefore, not "good" in terms of current societal standards; or you do conform to this perfect housewife image and thus, cannot have a fullness of life outside the family unit. I think I've always felt the pressure of this dichotomy growing up, but it has become more apparent since I've become a mother. As a young woman, I was always very comfortable with the more sexual side of the equation (this blog is named "Music Slut," for chrissakes) but once you choose to make that transition to motherhood, I've seen that it does become less acceptable. I've only recently started telling others about my pole journey and a lot of the responses from other women have been, "Oh, you must do that for your husband." And I really don't....I do it because I love the challenge, I love the art form, I love being able to work towards doing some really athletically impressive feats. But even when I try to explain that, they never believe me. And with this kind of attitude, it's easy to fall into ambivalence. Tell me where to go, tell me how to be, I'll make it easy for you because being myself is too hard to understand. 

I am not a woman, I'm a God

I am not a martyr, I'm a problem

I am not a legend, I'm a fraud

So keep your heart, 'cause I already got one

I am not a woman, I'm a God

I am not a martyr, I'm a problem

I am not a legend, I'm a fraud

Keep your heart, 'cause I already

That's what makes this song perfect for my year of Authenticity. I can't please everyone but I can be proud and happy of who I am. It's none of my business what other people think of me. But it is my business to become the person I've always wanted to be. And if someone doesn't like who I am, that's really more of a "them problem." 

"I Am Not A Woman, I'm A God" Video

 

"Finally // beautiful stranger" by halsey

I've had this song stuck in my head for a couple days. When I hear it, I know she's singing about Evan Peters (the lyrics "You've got hips like jagger and two left feet" especially remind me of him). Before they started dating, they were both in pretty abusive relationships. Peters' relationship was very visible because he was dating Emma Roberts (Julia Roberts' niece). She's not a nice person. She was verbally abusive to him, treated him like he was worthless, and - yes - she was physically violent. In the instances where the police would intervene, she'd always claim he was also violent but when they checked them both out, she'd be free of marks whereas he'd be beat to shit. People seem to think men can't be victims of domestic violence, but it happens more often than we realize. I think these public situations - like between Peters and Roberts and, more recently, Johnny Depp's issues with Amber Heard - are bringing more light to the problem. Anyway, halsey's experiences in her relationships have left her a little mistrustful of anyone who tries to get close to her. She's cognizant of this and how her defense mechanisms could ruin a good thing. So she's trying to work through it.

Oh, we're dancing in my living room

And up come my fists

And I say, "I'm only playing"

But the truth is this

That I've never seen a mouth

That I would kill to kiss

And I'm terrified, but I can't resist

And I say

I recently had the opportunity to take a short relational psychology course online. It was mostly from a women's studies perspective and it had a lot to do with why we (women) act the way we do and the latent instincts that these behaviors evolved from. There were several insights I found interesting, mostly because I realized - at least, for me - that they were true. First, we don't share important details with people we don't trust. I know this is true because I can find myself mentally calculating how to avoid telling people certain things, even in the middle of conversations where those facts might be relevant. Second, the facilitator was discussing something she realized after talking to one of her students - if a woman doesn't feel safe, she can't feel loved. This got me thinking because one of the indicators of attraction (that develops into love), from a man's standpoint, is to become protective over the object of his affection. If she reciprocates the feeling, she appreciates it - if not, the behavior can be cloying and seen as a little possessive (in an unattractive way).

I was thinking about it and there are certain behaviors where, if a man I love does them, I feel special and safe. Putting a hand on my back to gently redirect me towards a safer path; standing perhaps a little to close to me when we're in a moderately crowded room; rushing to help me when I feel flustered; checking that I made it home safe after a night out; and, especially, driving cautiously when I'm with them, because pretty much everyone in my family is a terrible and/or aggressive driver so if I have a choice, I generally prefer to drive myself places (unfortunately, I usually lose the fight over who gets to drive). However, I found myself unable to sleep on Friday night because I was thinking about how I'm genuinely unable to acknowledge when I'm feeling unsafe. I've been doing a lot of Inner Child work lately and I was able to figure it out pretty quickly - throughout my life, when I felt unsafe, those feelings were often ignored or disregarded. As a result, I learned to repress feelings of fear. I learned that repressing a lot of things - my needs, my emotions, my thoughts, my opinions, even my personality - was in my best interest (the best way to stay "safe") and it's been a long road of undoing that programming.

Beautiful stranger

Here you are in my arms and I know

That beautiful strangers

Only come along to do me wrong

And I hope, beautiful stranger

Here you are in my arms

But I think it's finally

Finally, finally, finally, finally safe

For me to fall

So, how does a lifetime of repressing fear and a need for safety manifest? Pretending I don't need help or that I can take care of myself. Pretending I'm not scared when I am (putting on a "brave face"). Becoming overly defensive in response to violated boundaries or becoming emotionless during moments of conflict. Being unable to ask for what I want or need, because I feel like I'm imposing on other people. Keeping my thoughts and emotions to myself, because being vulnerable with someone is too much of a risk. Being unable to admit that I want certain people to feel protective over me, because I never really had that growing up - and feeling disappointed when they don't meet that need. Being protective over people who don't feel like they have to reciprocate because I'm so "self-sufficient." I'm often that friend who asks people to text me when they get home, but I rarely get that back. When I think of my inner child, I see a little girl hiding in a closet, blasting Hanson on her Walkman so she can drown out the yelling. Music has always been my comfort zone. Especially recently, with everything going on in my life, I've been listening to my favorite songs on repeat.

I've never recognized a purer face

You stopped me in my tracks

And put me right in my place

Used to think that loving

Meant a painful chase

But you're right here now

And I think you'll stay

Like everyone, I had all these great plans for 2020 (and beyond) and then the Universe threw me, not just one, but several curve balls. "Do you really want to go through this? Okay, great! Here's a huge complication, good luck with that." Venus Retrograde in Gemini - especially if it's in one of your angular houses (i.e., 1, 4, 7, and 10) - has a tendency to have you rethinking your whole life and everything in it. It's about reassessing patterns, especially in relationships. Codependent patterns will become especially unbearable - people-pleasing, seeking approval from others, denying your own needs, self-criticism/self-judgment, and compulsively trying to fix or take care of others (who refuse to take care of themselves). These behaviors result in low self-esteem and internalized self-hatred, and make you easily manipulated and controlled by others. However, Venus is all about self-esteem and self-love, which is why these patterns become so obvious during this time. We start to realize that we deserve better than how we've allowed others to treat us. We start taking care of ourselves more and stop focusing on how others perceive us. We begin to understand where our efforts are unappreciated and accept that maybe it's time to let go.

I've resumed my daily writing habit and I've been using the time to work on some other stuff - mostly journaling and short stories, but also world-building for a novel I want to write and some (bad) poetry. Don't be surprised if the songs take a more nostalgic turn or if the posts become a bit shorter.

"Finally // beautiful stranger" Video

"You should be sad" by Halsey

Halsey released this song recently and it has been stuck in my head for the past few days. I guess it's catchy. The opening hook has a country twang to it. Not real country, but what a girl from New Jersey imagines all country songs sound like. The same Jersey girl who might depict line-dancing bars as cowboy sex parties in her music video. Wishful thinking! I like it, though.

The lyrics struck a chord. They're written like a letter. Some of the lyrics aren't pretty - they aren't the sort of things you say in a song. The words don't exactly rhyme - some rhyme in an incidental, unconventional way. Or the rhymes are too obvious, i.e., rhyming "sad" and "mad." You'll notice the title is just a statement. You should be sad. The operative word being "should." Implying that the person she's singing to isn't sad. Probably doesn't even think what they did was hurtful. And that really tells you everything about this situation. I remember someone asking on Facebook once about what pagans thought happened to bad people if they didn't believe in the concept of Hell as a place where people are punished for their misdeeds. I think my response was something along the lines of "we hope justice gets dealt in the end but we're aware that it might not...and we make peace with that fact." It's not comforting. But I'm pretty sure it's the closest I can get to the Truth. I spend a lot of time thinking about karma, even though I know karma doesn't work the way most people think it does. Honestly - and this is what I've struggled to grasp for the past three decades - is that most of the time, even when you tell someone that they've hurt you, their first reaction isn't to feel guilty. Their first reaction is usually to justify it. To invalidate how you feel because "they didn't intend to." And that's when you realize that you aren't looking for an apology, you just wish they felt a little bad about it. Knowing this and seeing this ugly shadow rise up in my misdeeds, I've tried to cultivate the art of a sincere apology. Of understanding the pain I've caused before I even say the words. Even though I'm not sure I've ever received a genuine apology myself. There have been times I've been tempted to write a letter that says much of the same things Halsey put into her lyrics. But I have doubts about how much good it would do. No matter how impactful the letter I wrote would be, there's no guarantee that the person reading it would even comprehend what they were reading. Sometimes, I wonder if the guy Halsey is writing these songs about knows they're about him. But then I remember - even if he does, the words are falling on deaf ears.

I'm gonna start this out by saying (By saying)

I really meant well from the start

Take a broken man right in my hands

And then put back all his parts

But you're not half the man you think that you are

And you can't fill the hole inside of you with money, girls, and cars

I'm so glad I never ever had a baby with you

'Cause you can't love nothing unless there's something in it for you

One of my latest hobbies as I dive deeper into astrology (among other things witchcrafty and spiritual) is watching a few of my favorite astrologers give the forecast for the changing cosmos. It's part of self-learning. I watch each of them, compare notes, see if what they're saying matches what the others are saying. There's variation in interpretation but there shouldn't be glaring inconsistencies. Usually, I'm listening to the same forecast two or three times - which I consider a good thing. Sometimes, the way one astrologer frames their ideas resonates more. Makes things click into place faster. Lately, I've been thinking I should also write down how the energy feels and my impressions of the current state of affairs before watching these videos. Because - usually - the forecast matches what I've been feeling build up in my own body, in my own mind. I'll notice if I feel more sluggish or if I'm having trouble focusing - and I'd like to correlate that data to what's happening in the biweekly astrological forecast. Use myself as an occult test subject, if you will. Anyway, we just had the Aquarius New Moon on Friday and all the astrologers said the same thing. A shift has definitely happened - everyone can feel it. But the inability to see it in the physical is causing frustration and impatience. There's also an uncomfortable square between Mars in Sagittarius and Venus/Neptune in Pisces. It's a feeling like there should be more happening right now than what is. We should be seeing more change in our world but everything is still static. Infuriatingly static. And we're getting frustrated because - even internally - we feel like we should've made more progress. We should've broken these old patterns already. We made the decision that things were going to be different in 2020 - Why is everything still the same?! But, I was watching another favorite tarot reader and she stated the uncomfortable truth about times like these - when it seems like nothing is changing, everything is. It's the calm before the storm. So, if you feel like a rubber band about to snap, take a breath - that's normal and everyone is feeling it. Uranus only went direct a couple weeks ago - he hasn't had a chance to get up to speed yet. Be patient.

Fun fact: A couple years ago, Halsey tweeted that she wanted to date Evan Peters. Guess who she's dating now? Yep....Evan Peters. That's some hella good manifestation magic. I wonder if that would work for me. Hey Universe, I want to be married to ...... who? Sebastian Stan? Henry Cavill? I don't even know if those guys are into sex magick....suppose it doesn't matter, since I'm not single anyway. Although, it is kind of surprising/disappointing that my celebrity crushes are actually somewhat close to my age now. Like everyone, I still feel very much like a teenager and, thus, I assume all my celebrity crushes are too old for me. Time is strange magic.

"You should be sad" Video

"Without Me" by Halsey

In my last post, I said the Universe speaks to me through music, sometimes. This is actually a very modern magical method used by "Millennial witches" (*cough*like myself*cough*) for divination. Everybody's methods are personalized but the gist is that you ask the Universe a question, then shuffle your playlist, and the song you hear has the response. Sometimes, I'll do this and just turn on the radio or turn on Spotify. Some people pick a number between 1-10 and then skip that many songs to get to the answer. In my opinion, this isn't necessary - mostly because you'll know the answer when you hear it - but to each their own. Certain songs can be signs, too - for example, I read somewhere in the pagan blogosphere that if a song reminds you of someone, they're thinking of you. I don't know how true that is but it's a nice thought. Additionally, if you're hearing a certain song a lot - particularly one that resonates with you - this could be the Universe trying to tell you something. That's where today's song comes in.

I heard "Without Me" during my last trip to Comic Con, but it wasn't the whole song. It was just a snippet - it was an advertisement for Halsey's new single that was recently released. The commercial seemed to keep coming on, but I was weirdly looking forward to it every time. Because I was drawn to the song. By the end of the weekend, I was like, "OMFG, I have to hear this whole fucking song for some reason." Long story short - I hunted it down and listened to it and it's basically one of my favorite songs right now. It's been steadily climbing the charts (currently number 3 as of yesterday) so it's been gaining more airplay on the radio. That's not too unusual. The unusual part is that it always seems to be on the radio first thing while I'm driving....so I'll listen to it (of course). Then, when that station hits a song that I don't want to listen to, I'll change to a different station (I'm a notorious station-hopper) and - surprise! - "Without Me" is playing again. It's gotten to the point where I'm hearing the song 4-6 times a day and I don't spend that much time driving. Strangely enough, I'm not bored with it yet, but damn! I hear you.

Tell me how's it feel sittin' up there

Feeling so high but too far away to hold me

You know I'm the one who put you up there

Name in the sky

Does it ever get lonely?

Thinking you could live without me

Thinking you could live without me

Baby, I'm the one who put you up there

I don't know why (yeah, I don't know why)

Thinking you could live without me

Live without me

Baby, I'm the one who put you up there

I don't know why (I don't know why, yeah yeah)

Anyway, that was your daily dose of woo-woo bullshit. "Without Me" does have an actual meaning, by the way, and the message is pretty relevant to a lot of people (including myself). It's been postulated that the song is about Halsey's turbulent relationship with G-Eazy, but in interviews, she said that it could be about a lot of relationships (romantic or otherwise). The song is supposed to serve as a reminder not to let people take advantage of you. Particularly for me, I have a tendency to give more than I get. People (myself included) tend to do this when we're afraid someone won't stay around if we don't. What's more, people with this issue also tend to sublimate their own needs, out of not believing they deserve more. I know this! I went to school to understand this shit and everything! And, still, I fall into these same patterns. It stems from childhood abandonment issues - I'm working on it.

There's also a level of pettiness to the song, though. I mean - whoever she's singing to, they probably could live without her. The question is - do they want to? And if they want to, she's better off without them in her life. Additionally, if someone "can't" live without you, they have codependency issues and you really don't want that. In fact, you should probably walk away if they really believe they can't live without you, because that's a dangerous thought for them and for you. That's the kind of thought process that leads to murder-suicides. There is a line from the movie "Rumor Has It" that I really love. Jennifer Aniston's character, Sarah, goes to apologize to her fiance after she royally fucks up. In her apology, she says, "I didn't come here to tell you that I can't live without you. I can live without you. I just don't want to." That's the sweet spot. That's where you want to be.

The video is what you'd expect. Halsey replays an abusive relationship (both good and bad parts) and, by the end, she is able to get away (police intervention is involved). Happy Saturday!

"Without Me" Video

"Control" by Halsey

When I first heard this song, I thought it was about wishing to be perceived as powerful, no matter how fragile you may seem. It's a sentiment I very much identify with. There's one thing people should understand about me - I've been 5-feet-tall or shorter my whole life...I don't believe in fighting fair. Not anymore. I think everyone who feels underestimated would agree. I know I'm at a disadvantage so I have no incentive to hold back. I wish I had learned this lesson a long time ago. Maybe things would've been different but, for a long time, I didn't think I was worth fighting for. Still trying to learn it, honestly. Anyway, this song has a spooky beat and the lyrics are about containing a monster...of sorts.

If I had a superpower, I would definitely want telekinesis. For the worst reasons...I'd basically become a super villain, I'll admit it. The first reason is so I could cheat at roulette, craps, the wheel of fortune - basically any casino game where you can manipulate something physical. That's how I'd amass my fortune. Second, I'd use my powers to scare and intimidate people who pissed me off. Because a woman who can lift a table with her mind is nothing to be trifled with. There's a reason why Jean Grey is arguably the most powerful mutant in X-men and is so dangerous when she decides to go evil. If you do a pop culture analysis of characters with telekinetic and telepathic powers, though, it's always a small person (usually female) of some sort. Carrie. Charlie from "Firestarter." Raven. Willow Rosenburg. Eleven from "Stranger Things." Matilda. That has to be a TV trope of some kind - like writers don't want the character to be too overpowering, so they make them weak/disabled, physically tiny, or young. Or maybe it just makes sense that they would develop an ability that (over)compensates for their lack of physical power.

I'm well acquainted with villains that live in my head

They beg me to write them so they'll never die when I'm dead

And I've grown familiar with villains that live in my head

They beg me to write them so I'll never die when I'm dead

I'm bigger than my body

I'm colder than this home

I'm meaner than my demons

I'm bigger than these bones

This song is about Halsey's battle with bipolar disorder. About her feeling of being out of control, not being able to control her emotions. I can understand that, looking back at my eating disorder issues. It wasn't about being beautiful and thin - it never is. It was about being in control, especially when there was chaos all around me. And wanting to look like a skeleton was more about wanting to unveil the monster underneath, so others could see. I wasn't in control, though - I thought about it all the time. Doing the calculations in my head. How many calories could I eat for today? How many miles can I run before I feel like collapsing? Looking back on the worst of those days, most of them were powered by rage, the only thing that would keep me going when I could barely generate the energy to walk, when I wanted to fade away into nothingness. I couldn't take it out on everyone else, so I directed it inward. I like to think I'm better, sometimes, but the monster is still there, lurking. When I'm angry, I still feel bigger than my bones, I just focus on something else now.

For Samhain, I'm working my way through this book called "Dark Goddess Craft." While all the fluffy bunnies out there are working with Aphrodite, I'll be getting close to the Morrigan, Kali, and Persephone. A personal favorite of mine is Eris, Goddess of Chaos. She incited the Trojan War just because someone didn't invite her to a wedding. She's spiteful and dangerous, but unexpectedly helpful to mankind when she wants to be. According to the book, "honoring Eris is a lesson in embracing chaos." Some things are out of our control but that doesn't mean we're beaten. It just means we have to get creative.

"Control" Video

"Castle" by Halsey

As I mentioned yesterday, I've been spending a lot of time in the dark and twisty feels. For me, those feels always inevitably devolve into anger. Feeling angry is always better than feeling empty. I'm a very passionate person and also one that feels like you have to do something if you're feeling down. I've never been one of those people who mopes. In fact, that kind of annoys me. If you're feeling bad, do something about it. Have an adventure, get a massage, create something beautiful - anything is better than doing nothing. And I know anger is not the same thing as passion but it's a strong motivator to get you to do something your passionate about or pursue a goal/dream that, otherwise, you wouldn't. The science behind that - Anger is triggered in your hippocampus. Emotions triggered in this region of the brain - anger, lust, fear - are instinctual and not always logical. As such, you don't think too much about your actions in the heat of the moment, you just do what feels right. Given two seconds of thought, though, your cerebellum has time to catch up and you can make a more logical choice about what to do with those feelings, but that doesn't mean they aren't as potent anymore. Quite the opposite - now, you can harness them to do what needs to be done. Okay, here comes the woo-woo stuff, in epic rant form.

Halsey in the official "Castle" Video

Lately, I've been noticing how draining being around certain people can be and my gut reaction is to turn that negativity into anger. I'm rather empathic, so I tend to take on others' energy, or let people siphon off mine, if I don't do something to protect myself. And I'm not very good at doing protection magic. I ground and clear every day, but this doesn't have the same effect as actually doing good protection magic. I'll start off the day all bright and shiny but by the end, I'll be utterly depleted unless I do something that makes me happy - like looking at funny memes on Twitter, listening to music, or escaping for a few minutes to take a walk outside. I have an amethyst necklace that I wear some days (amethyst was used for protection talismans back in the olden days), which helps, but it doesn't go with everything. Silly reason, I know. I should probably get a ring. No one notices if a ring doesn't match your outfit. Anyway, I let people who don't care anything about me take away my inner peace and strength, and I shouldn't. Harnessing the anger makes me feel more powerful, because without, I'm weak. And I guess that's how I protect myself.

There's a couple of songs Halsey wrote that are amazing to listen to when I want to feel this power. One is absolutely perfect for the October theme, so you'll get that in a few weeks. The other one is "Castle." The lyrics are basically saying that she's tired of being weak, tired of people taking advantage of her, so she's going to take what she wants. She's all out of fucks to give and if people think she's cold and cruel, she's going to be cold and cruel. I've been getting to that point and I have these flashes, this feeling that I'd burn the world down if I could. Sometimes, I think I probably could, if I concentrated hard enough. It's kind of scary but also intoxicating. I told you - being angry is better than the alternative, which is to be defeated. But don't worry - I would be a wise and just Queen once I've rebuilt everything from the ashes.

Oh, all these minutes passing, sick of feeling used

If you wanna break these walls down, you’re gonna get bruised

Now my neck is open wide, begging for a fist around it

Already choking on my pride, so there's no use crying about it

"Castle" was used in the promos for "The Huntsman: Winter's War." "The Huntsman" is the sequel/prequel to "Snow White & the Huntsman" which, in my opinion, wasn't the greatest movie. Don't get me wrong - I love me some twisted fairytales, especially when it's a retelling of Snow White. However, as pretty as Kristen Stewart is, her acting style annoys me. I don't know how you can act without showing emotion, without being animated. Charlize Theron was perfectly cast as the Wicked Queen, to the point where I was hoping she'd win in the end. And, of course, Chris Hemsworth is beautiful and, as such, I didn't mind watching his portrayal as the Huntsman. I haven't seen "The Huntsman" yet, mostly because the first movie was pretty meh. However, the trailers made it seem interesting. There's a lot more Charlize Theron - which was probably a good plot choice - and they also added Jessica Chastain and Emily Blunt, both of whom are very talented. I think Emily Blunt is supposed to be The Ice Queen (like Elsa in "Frozen") and Jessica Chastain was another Huntsman and Chris Hemsworth love interest. There is probably a love triangle or quadrangle, but as I've said, I haven't seen it so that's just wild supposition on my part. (Note: I just read the plot summary - that is not what happens at all.) It might be worth watching once, just to say I did. There was an official video but it shortens the song by nearly two minutes. I really hate when they do that - if it was meant to be two minutes shorter, than the album version would be two minutes shorter. Instead, I'm including the Vevo video from the album release. Happy Saturday...Enjoy!

"Castle" Video

"Ghost" by Halsey

Something about this song has been haunting me for the last week, i.e., it's been stuck in my head almost non-stop. I added it to one of my Spotify playlists based on song recommendations that I found on some random website when I searched for "sexy dance music." I'm not sure it really fits the description, but I like it. I've been listening to that particular playlist a lot because Spotify added a shit ton of U2 to my favorite playlist for some reason. I wanted to add one song and Spotify was like "Here! You obviously like U2 so you should have all three of their latest albums on this playlist!" I'm still mad about it, if you couldn't tell. Anyway, I've been listening to a lot of Halsey lately and I'm gradually falling in love with her debut album, "Badlands." Expect more Halsey songs in the future.

"Ghost" has bouncy moments but the general vibe is kind of heartbreaking and wistful. Halsey is longing for something that was lost - someone who seems lost, someone who she feels like she lost. Just so you're up on all the slang the young'uns have been using, "ghosting" is when you're dating a person and they just disappear on you instead of saying they'd rather not anymore. It's a cowardly thing to do, really. It doesn't seem like the guy in the song actually "ghosted" Halsey, because he floats in and out of her life when he wants. Which, obviously, tears her up inside but she lets him, because at least it's something. I suppose that's why he says that he's no good for her (he's right....he's a fucking asshole) - so maybe he cares for her a little bit if he realizes that what he does hurts her. But she's always "tugging at his sleeve," meaning she's always trying to get his attention (and he's giving it to her). He's also a ghost because, at least from Halsey's perspective, he's changed dramatically since she's known him. Maybe that's it. He's not the same person, but she still loves him and that's what haunts her.

I don't like them innocent

I don't want no face fresh

Want them wearing leather

Begging, let me be your taste test

I like the sad eyes, bad guys

Mouth full of white lies

Kiss me in the corridor

But quick to tell me goodbye

You say that you're no good for me

'Cause I'm always tugging at your sleeve

And I swear I hate you when you leave

I like it anyway

At least in my interpretation of the song (which could be wrong but lines up with the discussion boards), he's sleeping around a lot and, to deal with it, Halsey turns to various "Mr. Wrongs" as well. To some extent, she's being even worse, because she's telling whoever she's sleeping with that she loves them, even though she has no intention to stay with them. I think she's hoping to find whatever feelings she has for her "ghost" with these other guys. But, as she repeats, she's "searching for something [she] can't reach."

The video shows Halsey in Japan, having a fun weekend with a pretty Japanese girl. Halsey is very open about her bisexuality, so even though the song hints that she's yearning for a guy, the video depicts the object of her affection as this girl. After their fling ends and she sends the girl off in a cab, Halsey just wanders around Tokyo, looking sad, wishing the girl was still there. Just from an analytical point of view, that's the whole video - the sexy parts are her memories. All those beautiful moments just exist in her head now and she's wishing it was still happening. The translation of the Japanese at the beginning of the video is as follows - "Looking back to the past with her, she may have disappeared. It may have disappeared. Perhaps it did not even exist."

"Ghost" Video