Double Post: "Amnesia" by 5SOS and "Harden My Heart" by Quarterflash

I have been, as my supervisor likes to put it, "in my feelings." Deep, deep in my feelings. Kind of been feeling a little bit out of control emotionally, honestly. But all the stuff I've been reading says you shouldn't run away from your emotions, you should sit with them. So, in honor of the beginning of Pisces season, I sat with it and mulled it over. And the overwhelming emotion I've been feeling is - of course - anger. My old friend.

When I get angry, I seem really calm. I get incredibly quiet and my eyes go cold. That's how you know I'm really, really angry. Because if you look closely, you'd see that I'm also shaking. I have such a rush of energy that, if I let go, I know I will burn down my entire world - and all the people in it - just because I can. When I get to this point, I usually clean. If I'm cleaning or doing anything else in silence with wild, untamed fervor, you better be having a "come to Jesus" moment and it's best not to approach me unless it is in sincere reverence. I've been getting to that shaking point a lot lately, which is odd because I haven't really had that many in the past 5 or 6 years. That's pretty impressive, I think - to have not gotten really, truly angry about something in several years. But, as I've said before, Anger is my default emotion, my oldest demon, and thus, a close and dear friend. Anger always reminds me that I'm not getting what I deserve. Anger always reminds me that I'm giving too much and not getting much in return. Anger reminds me that I shouldn't apologize when it's the other person's goddamn fault.

After sitting with Anger for awhile, I understood why she made her triumphant return, in all her chaotic-yet-controlled glory. She always shows up when I feel I've been taken for granted or treated unjustly. Being taken for granted always makes feel like all my kindness and generosity, although nice to have, isn't wanted or particularly special for people. Which ultimately opens up that core wound of feeling rejected - feeling unworthy and unloved and unnecessary. I read somewhere (probably Twitter) that messages come in song form, especially during Pisces season, so I should pay attention to the songs that randomly get stuck in my head - particularly if unprompted or if they haven't been heard recently. Two songs came to mind when I thought of this feeling and they reflect two different ways of addressing Rejection. The first was stuck in my head when I woke up a few Sundays ago. Just a warning - it is kind of super sad but since I've been lost in my feels, I'm taking all of you down with me.

"Amnesia" by 5 Seconds of Summer

It seems like - as it is with The Spill Canvas - all the sad songs that 5SOS writes are about the same girl. The same girl that broke poor Luke's (or whoever's) heart. As you can see, he's all mopey and he's missing a girl that seems perfectly fine without him. But I understand it. After a relationship ends - and it's not mutual - people have a tendency to go over everything and wonder if everything was just make-believe for those couple of weeks or months (or years). Were you just delirious? Was it ever really mutual? And we plague ourselves with these questions instead of just doing exactly what the song suggests. Developing amnesia, forgetting all those memories, and moving on.

I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted

I thought about our last kiss, how it felt the way you tasted

And even though your friends tell me you're doing fine

Are you somewhere feeling lonely even though he's right beside you?

When he says those words that hurt you, do you read the ones I wrote you?

Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie?

If what we had was real, how could you be fine?

There are some people who have no trouble doing this - they'll jump into another relationship immediately, which psychologists say is not healthy. You need time to grieve the loss - if you jump into something immediately, you're just distracting yourself from feeling those emotions and sooner or later, they're going to pop back up. Usually at inconvenient times and not for the benefit of those around you. Charlotte from "Sex and the City" had a pretty solid rule - you have half the time that the relationship lasted to get over it. That doesn't mean you have to stay single for 6 months after a year long relationship, but at least stay single long enough to heal and remember who you are outside the context of a relationship.

Moving on, this morning I woke up with the following song stuck in my head....

"Harden My Heart" by Quarterflash

The slash and burn is my personally favorite way to deal with rejection. If they don't want me, they don't get anything more. And I kind of feel like that's the right way of dealing with it. They're not good enough, therefore they're not worthy of my time, my energy, or my attention. Maybe that makes me a bitch but that doesn't bother me. And that's kind of how I feel about being taken for granted - if you think I'm going to always be there, that makes me question how much you actually value my time, energy, and attention. And if I perceive you don't actually value it, well, then you obviously don't deserve it. I'm generally a very affectionate, caring and generous person when it comes to people I care about, but a lot of people seem to think I'm kind of cold. There's a reason for that. I won't be mean to you, but I will fucking ignore you. Because that's what you asked for.

I'm gonna harden my heart

I'm gonna swallow my tears

I'm gonna turn and leave you here

So, yeah, still working on some demons. I don't want to be mean or cruel. And I definitely don't want to lash out at people and do something I regret. That's another thing about Pisces season - don't make any life altering decisions. I'm highly doubtful I'm feeling emotional just because we're into the Pisces time frame - I honestly think a lot of things are coming up right now that I need to deal with and coincidentally, we happen to be under one of the most weepy, emotional Zodiac signs. Just like being a patient but vengeful bitch is only sort of related to me being a Cancer sun. However, I think the suggestions the astrologers I follow on Twitter are pretty sound for anyone who has been doing shadow work that has become overwhelming and has brought up some nasty parts of your identity that you thought were dead. 1. Meditate/Get some Solitude/Do Yoga, 2. Journal (especially document your dreams), 3. Go with the flow and take it easy, 4. Listen to your inner guidance, 5. Do something creative, and 6. Refrain from addictive substances.

Personally, it has been feeling like my entire body is breaking down and nobody realizes it except me. And yet I'm still pushing myself - yesterday, I ran even though I know I need to take it easy. It feels better to do something when you're carrying around all this weight, especially of the angry variety. It's pretty powerful - I've run for four straight hours before just because something pissed me off and I had a free afternoon. Meditation sounds good though. I've been lately meditating using the Hawaii'an mantra of forgiveness, Ho'oponopono - in English, the mantra is basically, "I'm sorry, Forgive Me, Thank you, I Love You." It helps. It truly does.

"Castle" by Halsey

As I mentioned yesterday, I've been spending a lot of time in the dark and twisty feels. For me, those feels always inevitably devolve into anger. Feeling angry is always better than feeling empty. I'm a very passionate person and also one that feels like you have to do something if you're feeling down. I've never been one of those people who mopes. In fact, that kind of annoys me. If you're feeling bad, do something about it. Have an adventure, get a massage, create something beautiful - anything is better than doing nothing. And I know anger is not the same thing as passion but it's a strong motivator to get you to do something your passionate about or pursue a goal/dream that, otherwise, you wouldn't. The science behind that - Anger is triggered in your hippocampus. Emotions triggered in this region of the brain - anger, lust, fear - are instinctual and not always logical. As such, you don't think too much about your actions in the heat of the moment, you just do what feels right. Given two seconds of thought, though, your cerebellum has time to catch up and you can make a more logical choice about what to do with those feelings, but that doesn't mean they aren't as potent anymore. Quite the opposite - now, you can harness them to do what needs to be done. Okay, here comes the woo-woo stuff, in epic rant form.

Halsey in the official "Castle" Video

Lately, I've been noticing how draining being around certain people can be and my gut reaction is to turn that negativity into anger. I'm rather empathic, so I tend to take on others' energy, or let people siphon off mine, if I don't do something to protect myself. And I'm not very good at doing protection magic. I ground and clear every day, but this doesn't have the same effect as actually doing good protection magic. I'll start off the day all bright and shiny but by the end, I'll be utterly depleted unless I do something that makes me happy - like looking at funny memes on Twitter, listening to music, or escaping for a few minutes to take a walk outside. I have an amethyst necklace that I wear some days (amethyst was used for protection talismans back in the olden days), which helps, but it doesn't go with everything. Silly reason, I know. I should probably get a ring. No one notices if a ring doesn't match your outfit. Anyway, I let people who don't care anything about me take away my inner peace and strength, and I shouldn't. Harnessing the anger makes me feel more powerful, because without, I'm weak. And I guess that's how I protect myself.

There's a couple of songs Halsey wrote that are amazing to listen to when I want to feel this power. One is absolutely perfect for the October theme, so you'll get that in a few weeks. The other one is "Castle." The lyrics are basically saying that she's tired of being weak, tired of people taking advantage of her, so she's going to take what she wants. She's all out of fucks to give and if people think she's cold and cruel, she's going to be cold and cruel. I've been getting to that point and I have these flashes, this feeling that I'd burn the world down if I could. Sometimes, I think I probably could, if I concentrated hard enough. It's kind of scary but also intoxicating. I told you - being angry is better than the alternative, which is to be defeated. But don't worry - I would be a wise and just Queen once I've rebuilt everything from the ashes.

Oh, all these minutes passing, sick of feeling used

If you wanna break these walls down, you’re gonna get bruised

Now my neck is open wide, begging for a fist around it

Already choking on my pride, so there's no use crying about it

"Castle" was used in the promos for "The Huntsman: Winter's War." "The Huntsman" is the sequel/prequel to "Snow White & the Huntsman" which, in my opinion, wasn't the greatest movie. Don't get me wrong - I love me some twisted fairytales, especially when it's a retelling of Snow White. However, as pretty as Kristen Stewart is, her acting style annoys me. I don't know how you can act without showing emotion, without being animated. Charlize Theron was perfectly cast as the Wicked Queen, to the point where I was hoping she'd win in the end. And, of course, Chris Hemsworth is beautiful and, as such, I didn't mind watching his portrayal as the Huntsman. I haven't seen "The Huntsman" yet, mostly because the first movie was pretty meh. However, the trailers made it seem interesting. There's a lot more Charlize Theron - which was probably a good plot choice - and they also added Jessica Chastain and Emily Blunt, both of whom are very talented. I think Emily Blunt is supposed to be The Ice Queen (like Elsa in "Frozen") and Jessica Chastain was another Huntsman and Chris Hemsworth love interest. There is probably a love triangle or quadrangle, but as I've said, I haven't seen it so that's just wild supposition on my part. (Note: I just read the plot summary - that is not what happens at all.) It might be worth watching once, just to say I did. There was an official video but it shortens the song by nearly two minutes. I really hate when they do that - if it was meant to be two minutes shorter, than the album version would be two minutes shorter. Instead, I'm including the Vevo video from the album release. Happy Saturday...Enjoy!

"Castle" Video