In Case You're Wondering...("I'm Doing Fine" by Marino)

 Where has this year gone? Time is weird. It seems like 2025 crawled all the way to the finish line and now 2026 is hurtling us at light speed towards....something. Who knows what. A lot is happening. Work is busy and more draining than usual. Everyone's on edge, including me. I've been fighting cynicism and nihilism, just like the best of 'em. I'm taking a cue from some old friends - the Stoics - and learning how to "love my Fate" through the study of ancient Hellenistic astrology. Yet again allowing the music of the spheres to connect the disjointed phases of my life and trying to find meaning in the chaos without getting too spun up about it. Just working my way through the Wheel of Time. The book series, I mean, not philosophically. There's 14 books in the series so I figure that'll keep my mind busy for a while. And then I'll move on to the Discworld novels or the Stormlight Archive. Probably both. Eventually, both.

If you got inside my head, you'd see

There's no point in going to therapy

'least that's what I tell myself 'cause I don't need

Another purchase added to my monthly fees

Most of my writing has been offline. A lot of journaling, writing exercises, and outlining/world-building. I wanted to talk through my playlist of the year, because this is by far the best year for it. I think I still will, I just need to build up the momentum. I'm in a slump, but not in a slump. Maybe it's more like I'm in a shadow - and the issue isn't that I'm afraid of publicly writing what I think, I just don't think it matters anymore. In a way, that's a more dangerous thought. That's true nihilism. It's not dark and edgy, the things we do are just pointless and don't mean anything to anyone. I suppose that's where existentialism comes in - we create our own meaning for the things we do, we create our own "why." On the best of days, the idea feels empowering to me. On days - or months (or years) - where I'm going through the motions, it feels like it's one more thing to do. 

Am I really fine, or am I just really good at lying?

I don't really know, lately, I've been on autopilot in my mind

Keeps me awake, every single night, I stay up late

I don't know how to sleep whеn I'm overthinking every littlе thing

Going back to the subject of time, I've been ruminating more on its slipperiness. The inconsistency of how our minds perceive it. I work with air-gapped networks and they all run off their own internal time-source. Some are more accurate than others. I don't wear a watch, so I often find myself in situations where I'm relying on computer screens or old-school analogs clocks to check the time. More than once this year, I've seen the time on a clock or a screen, panicked because I thought I was late to my next meeting, only to arrive five minutes early. It's disorienting. More often than not lately, I'm wishing for more time or to slow time down. But, in my experience, the only way to effectively slow time down is to be fully in the moment, like in meditation. Once your mind wanders, time starts flowing again. Only in rare moments have I experienced suspended animation during something I'm enjoying. Even rarer, still, is to experience it in the presence of another person.

Alright, okay, sun keeps coming up each day

See it through my window shades, it's alright

Just passing time, I'll watch it fade, can't do too much anyways

In a small town, hid away, I'm doing fine

I don't remember how I came across this song, only that it's upbeat guitar strumming sucked me in and the lyrics kept me there. It's a relatively short song - not even two minutes - but it encapsulates a bit of what I'm seeing with everyone this year. We're all very compartmentalized. There's this knowledge that something is very wrong but there's a pervasive sense of powerlessness. Jaded is probably the best way to describe it. And everyone - including myself - seems to be so focused on the next thing in front of us. Get a job, go to work, pay that bill, rinse, repeat. So much is happening and yet nothing is happening. I'd say we're all zombies but at least zombies feel hunger. I'm starting to shake myself out of this stupor, though. I want more. So much more. I want more meaning, more action, more passion, more excitement, more joy, more whimsy....more - dare I say it? - Hope. Is this what they meant by it being the Year of the Fire Horse? I feel this collective energy building, like a rocket or a geyser. At any moment, we're all going to blink and land in a whole new reality. The only question is - when?

With that in mind, I'm trying to frame the current doldrums as a period of rest. The calm before the shift. Alright, okay, Sun keeps coming up each day. I'm doing fine. I'm still alive, so I'm doing fine.

"I'm Doing Fine" Video

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I wanted to do a few mentions of things I'm loving right now. To keep myself from listening to news podcasts (which is not at all good for my mental health), I'm listening to more audiobooks. I like biographies, especially when they are read by the author. Recently, I finished listening to "The Vegas Diaries" by Holly Madison. It's quite fun and almost like listening to the "Girls Next Level" podcast. While some of her wording choices felt a bit trite and many of the metaphors predictable, I like her approachable writing style. It feels like she's telling her story to a friend rather than a flat retelling of events that occurred at the time. It's also 2010s nostalgic for me, in a good way.

I also just finished binging "Something Very Bad is Going to Happen" on Netflix. I'm torn between thinking that's a terrible name for a show or if it was a perfect name for what I watched. The show is atmospheric, had beautiful cinematography, amazing pacing, great acting, all the works. Camila Morrone looks fucking gorgeous in like every frame she's in, even when she's covered in blood (sorry, spoilers). It was heavy on the jump scares, which I don't like - but the benefit of watching on Netflix is that you can walk away or hide your face from the screen for a few seconds without the judgement. For me, once I understood where the plot was going, I could kind of predict the end but I think that's more because I was watching from a horror writer's perspective and knew that the story had to end that way (otherwise it doesn't work). Therefore, from my perspective, perfect storytelling, no notes. Because I like spoilers, I tend to read the synopsis/summary of the episodes on Netflix so I know what to expect - for the last episode, it simply says, "Something very bad happens." Very clever, Netflix. Ya got me, I loved it. So yeah - if you love horror (especially the supernatural kind), go watch it. 

"Time" by NF

I first heard this song walking down the street in Boston. It was playing in one of the clothing shops near my sister's house. In my head, I thought "I like this song" even though I only heard a quick snippet. I do that - I can usually tell if I'll like a song by the first few bars. Sometimes, though, a song has to grow on me - certain pop songs are like this. I'm also good at recognizing a song within the first few notes. This memory of mine is both a curse and a blessing. Anyway, I heard a small part of the first verse in "Time," made a mental note - and kept it moving because I didn't want to be late for class. If I can, I'll usually Shazam a song on the go but there was so much background noise, it probably wouldn't have worked anyway. Fast forward to my run that evening and guess what pops up on my Spotify Discover Weekly mix? "Time" by NF.

The spiritual community would call that a "synchronicity." Or just a small way the Universe shows it's listening and responding to our energy. It's been happening a lot lately for me, especially with music. I'll want to hear a song or wake up with one stuck in my head, and it'll be the first song that comes on the radio. Or I'll engage in some shufflemancy and ask the Universe a question, already knowing what song it's gonna play and - lo and behold - the song I'm expecting is the one that's played. Maybe it's delusional but what's the alternative? That some master algorithm is listening to our thoughts so Instagram shows an ad for a specific item of clothing that you saw someone wear earlier? Or that Facebook really does know you're craving Jimmy John's for lunch? It's difficult to know where the locus of control is - does the Universe hear my thought and present what it finds in the moment? Or do I send my thought out into the ether and the closest approximation is drawn towards me? Unknown. Still working that out.

A little time to show you I'm worth it

I know that I can be a difficult person

I'm a stress case, drive you up the wall when I’m workin'

Actually, I'm probably worse when I'm not, you don't deserve it

Make you nervous 'cause you know I'ma break soon

Every time I do, I say somethin' that hurts you

Actin’ like I’m gone, but we both in the same room

I don't like to be wrong, which I know you relate to

And I know I make you feel like you’re at the end of your rope

That's when I look at you and tell you I'd be better alone

Just the pride talkin', isn’t it? 'Cause both of us know

I'm the definition of "wreck" if you look into my soul

Comes out the most when I feel I'm in a vulnerable place

Made a lot of mistakes I wish I knew how to erase

When I'm afraid, might get distant and I push you away

But no matter the case, I'ma do whatever it takes even if—

Lately, I've been drawn to a lot of what I'm going to call "white boy rap," even though I know that's horrifically politically incorrect. Especially NF. A lot of people call themselves "woke" but NF is clearly awake. You can hear it in his music. It's very rare for me to find an artist where I feel like practically every song speaks to me. Florence Welch is one. Gerard Way is another. Rilo Kiley started that list. And NF is the latest addition. Based on his music, he grew up in an abusive and neglectful home. As such, he gets to deal with all the fun baggage that goes along with that. Traumatized people tend to relive their parents stories - their childhood control dramas - because they don't know any other way. Healthy behavior seems wrong to them. Affection, care, and even love feels like a foreign thing. An unattainable ideal that they've read about in storybooks but doesn't actually exist in real life. They struggle with control and trust issues. And more often than not, they hurt the people they care about most to avoid abandonment and rejection. NF recognized he was in this pattern and wanted to end it, so he got help. And then he used the shit he learned in therapy to write music. Brilliant. The first step to fixing a problem is knowing you have one....people just don't want to take that first step. It's scary. The funny thing is, in this song, he says all he needs is time, like there's plenty of it. But it's the most precious commodity we have in the world - we only realize it when we're about to lose something. Or if we've already lost it. Eventually, it runs out. There's this quote from a book I read in college called "Exquisite Corpse" that has stuck with me - "There is a last time for meeting with and talking with everyone one knows, but one never knows when that last time will be." Although I know it's true, in some cases, it's just too sad to imagine.

I'm really tired and it's been a long day. I've been getting up early/staying up late to work on stuff. As I said, we only have so much time and I have a lot of writing to do. Because apparently, the only thing I can do now is write. Write it all down. 

"Time" Video