Rising in Chaos ("Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?" by Taylor Swift)

It's that time of year again.... I know I haven't written in a while but I couldn't miss T-Swift's birthday. I wish I could say I've been working on other things but the truth is this year has been a whirlwind and I got caught up in the swirl. Even now, I'm at home because I had over 60 hours of PTO left when I returned from Argentina and I need to burn it because it's use it or lose it. The last two years, my company did a payout but, when you hire a bunch of workaholic engineers, that gets expensive. Oh yeah...I went to Argentina over Thanksgiving. It was great - Buenos Aires definitely grows on you and I'd like to go back when we have more free time to explore.  The city has a rich history, amazing coffee, and is super walk-able, at least in the area where we stayed. 

  … So I leap from the gallows and I levitate down your street
Crash the party like a record scratch as I scream
"Who's afraid of little old me?"
You should be

Alright, back to Taylor. I actually didn't get into The Tortured Poets Department when it came out - as I've mentioned in the past, I prefer to discover songs when it's the "right" time for me to find them, even when it comes to my favorite artists. I go through cycles - even with My Chemical Romance and Florence Welch, I'll often hear a song once when an album comes out and then suddenly become obsessed with it years later, when it hits the perfect emotional chord and reflects exactly what I'm going through at that specific moment in my life. As you may have guessed from the title of this post, I'm very much feeling "Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?" right now. (Un)Coincidentally, I've adopted it as my vibe for 2025. And let me tell you a little bit about what we're heading into - I'm making an educated guess it is going to be even crazier next year. Surprisingly, I'm feeling really jazzed up about it. Honestly, it feels very much like the excited feeling I had during the lead up to 2020.....and we all know how that ended up. However, I don't think this is a false high. I'm going into next year with my eyes wide open. I'm aware the astrology for next year is fucking wild - but that doesn't mean it has to bad on a personal level. There's a lot of exciting things going on right now - I'll cover those in more depth in another post (that I've been tinkering with for the better part of a year). I will say this - this song is exactly the tone to strike as we head into an extended period of Mars Retrograde for the rest of the year and the first quarter of 2025.

I was tame, I was gentle till the circus life made me mean
"Don't you worry, folks, we took out all her teeth"
Who's afraid of little old me?
Well, you should be

A small part of the retrograde (approximately 6 degrees) will be in Leo but the vast majority of the time, Mars will be hanging out in the later degrees of Cancer. This is not Mars at its best - arguably, this is Mars at its worst, because Mars is in its Fall while in the sign of Cancer. What does that mean? Well, it's Cancer - it's moody, it holds grudges, it's passive aggressive....it's a bit unstable. When you add Mars to the mix - the planet of War, violence, anger, aggression, passion, sex, etc - things can get a little chaotic. The outlook can become quite dark and pessimistic and vengeful. And I say this as a native Mars in Cancer (at the anaretic degree!). I will be the first to admit I am not fun to be around when I'm angry. I've been told I'm downright scary, which is the overwhelming contradiction of the Cancerian nature. From far away, they look sweet, gentle, nurturing, maybe even meek....but you don't want to fuck with them. Because Cancer is a sign of extremes - they can be the nicest person you've ever met until you piss them off. Particularly when it comes to Mars in Cancer, there's a tendency towards over-reaction and often it will seem to come out of nowhere because - like their symbol, the Crab - Cancerians will come at you sideways. The approach is indirect and thus, hard to predict. Much like Scorpio, they have a talent for patiently waiting until the opportune moment to strike and they won't hold back. And of course, it's Cancer - if you come for their family, you're fucked. We saw this earlier in the year, during the rap battle between Mars in Cancer native, Kendrick Lamar, and Drake. 

 … Is it a wonder I broke? Let's hear one more joke
Then we could all just laugh until I cry

As I've mentioned previously, Taylor Swift has some strong placements in Cancer, most notably her Moon, but also Jupiter (which is exalted in Cancer) and Chiron. Swift has cultivated this whole persona of being kind to her fans, effortlessly poetic in her art, and dreamily soft and sweet in her aesthetic -  but in order to survive in the music business, she's become notably ruthless within the industry. She is one of the most litigious artists when it comes to copyright (example: famously trying to copyright the phrase "this sick beat"), she made history by earning back the rights to her repertoire by simply re-recording the songs she released under her previous record label (and made even more money on those recordings), and is known for writing and releasing songs about her easily identifiable exes (which usually results in a unyielding public backlash for those unfortunate men). She is nought to be trifled with. She is an icon and possibly the most formidable female artists we will see in our lifetime. True, some of those aforementioned legal battles could be characterized as unethical. After all, Swift is a billionaire and there's an argument to be made that billionaires cannot exist without exploitation. I assure you - this isn't the post to make that argument, just something to let roll around in your head. That's the whole message of this song - the sweet girl she was when she started making music would not, could not survive the music industry. In fact, that wholesome naivete was swiftly killed the moment she got an iota of mainstream success (pun intended). If she's terrible, it's because she has to be. It's no secret that young women in the music (and film) business are often taken advantage of and exploited to the utmost. Some of those horror stories - featuring prominent artists, musicians, and actors - are just barely coming to the surface now. There's a reason why the idea of a Villain Era resonates so strongly right now - villains aren't created in a vacuum. And more often than not, the context of a villain origin story is rooted in exploitation and degradation at the hands of those with more power and influence. Can you really condemn a person if their environment gave them no other choice? Just one of the many philosophical conundrums we have awaiting for us as we start our journey through Pluto in Aquarius. 

… I wanna snarl and show you just how disturbed this has made me
You wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me
So all you kids can sneak into my house with all the cobwebs
I'm always drunk on my own tears, isn't that what they all said?
That I'll sue you if you step on my lawn
That I'm fearsome and I'm wretched and I'm wrong
Put narcotics into all of my songs
And that's why you're still singing along

Real talk though - this year left me exhausted. As usual, it is (at least) partially my fault. I give way too much of myself, especially to my work, expecting that I'll be rewarded (or, at bare minimum, appreciated). And I'm not going to say that hasn't worked out for me - I got a promotion and two raises this year - but at what cost? When I went to Argentina, I had to leave my work phone at home. I was literally unreachable for the week and I could focus on enjoying the experience and participate fully in my sister's wedding. When I got back, I actually felt rejuvenated....and then two days into my first week back at work, I was burnt out again. Clearly I'm doing something wrong - I'm caring too much, I'm taking on too much responsibility, I'm trying to make progress when faced with incompetent peers. I enjoy my work but I'm realizing my personal goals for this past year took a back seat to "getting the mission done." Don't get me wrong - the mission is important. It always will be. But I'm tired of living that way. I want to find a new path forward. I have no more fucks to give, and I can't renew my reserve of fucks if I'm not taking the time to generate them. Does that make sense? Doesn't matter. I have a lot of ideas for what I want to do in 2025 but my main challenge for next year is making the space for them to become reality. 

"Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?" Official Lyric Video

"Soon You’ll Get Better" by Taylor Swift feat. The Chicks

It's that time of year again. I feel like this has become one of my personal holiday traditions, curated just for this blog. It's been a crazy year and I'll sum it up in a post eventually....but this is not that post. Nope. It's only my annual rant celebrating the 2023 Person of the Year. 

In the past, I've posted about my favorite T-Swift songs - of which there are myriad - most of which are sickly sweet love songs. But one of my favorite things about Swift's discography is that it is so diverse. She literally has a song for every type of heartbreak and another for every other emotion a person can feel. This year, I wanted to showcase a song that - to be honest - didn't make an impact on me until this year. Simply because I hadn't gone through the situation. I didn't understand....but now I do. I'm going to warn you - it's not a particularly happy song but it features some of the most vulnerable lyrics that Swift has released (in my opinion). This song is about Taylor's experience when her mom was diagnosed with cancer a second time around 2019. "Soon You'll Get Better" was released later that year on the "Lover" album. 

Holy orange bottles, each night I pray to you

Desperate people find faith, so now I pray to Jesus too

And I say to you

As you may have guessed, my mom was diagnosed with cancer this year. Thankfully, the radiation and chemotherapy appear to have worked and, as of right now, the doctors consider her "cancer-free," assuming nothing pops up on the scans over the next few months. However, there were moments this summer I found myself bawling my eyes out in the front seat of my car while listening to this song. Here's the thing - my mom isn't like Allison Swift. She's not a sweet midwestern mama who bakes cookies and calls to chat on the phone. My mom was born and raised in NYC (still has a ghost of a Queens accent) and complained the whole time (totally valid). I'm not sure she prayed, although I did (not to Jesus...but maybe a little to his mother, Mary). I spent a lot of time hanging out with her when I was done at the studio (we rented her a house near the treatment center, which was just down the street). Listening to what the doctor's were telling her and how inefficient the medical system is. Her biggest concerns before going into chemo/radiation was that she couldn't get manicures or go swimming while she was in treatment. She's kind of ridiculous for that. I talked her through losing her hair. Convinced her that it's okay to cut it short and buy a few nice wigs for right now. I know I've written about our complicated history but things are so much better now that her bipolar disorder is under control. And my kids love her so much and I'm happy we're creating good memories with her. Hopefully that lasts a while but I know my parents are getting older. This whole experience has thrown that into stark relief, so I'm trying to make more time for them. That was one of our big reasons for moving back to Arizona, after all.

I know delusion when I see it in the mirror

You like the nicer nurses, you make the best of a bad deal

I just pretend it isn't real

I'm not going to add much more about Taylor Swift. Y'all know she's amazing (or you should) and there's entire articles out there for you to read on that. I will say, though, that this is exactly why music exists. To express our experience and share it with others. They say music is a universal language and you can see that's true when people across the world vibe with someone's music, even if they don't fully understand the words. Take away the lyrics for "Soon You'll Get Better," you can still tell from the accompaniment that the artist is going through a difficult time. And as for the lyrics, I'm not the only one who ugly cries when they hear this song. It's comforting, to know you're not alone in going through a situation. Music brings people together.

"Soon You'll Get Better" Official Audio

Out with the Old, In with the New ("Anti-Hero" by Taylor Swift)

 For the transition from 2022 to 2023, I've chosen the first single from the "Midnights" album. In my opinion, "Anti-Hero" - much like "Blank Space" from the "1989" album - demonstrates a level of self-awareness that is nearly unheard of in a celebrity of Swift's caliber (or even in normal people....let's face it, we're all stuck in the Matrix). I would expect nothing less of a Scorpio Rising. Taylor Swift is aware of how she is perceived - that any act of kindness she does is performative and she's really just a money-hungry bitch. It's easy to worry about that kind of reputation because she seems like the type of person who would be afraid that - on some level - it's true. I can relate - like Taylor, my Sun is in the 2nd House (House of Financial Assets and Values) and I derive a lot of my self-worth from my income and ability to provide for my family. Some people think this comes off as "money-oriented" and maybe even greedy. However, in my mind, Money is equal to Freedom. Money may not buy happiness, but having financial sovereignty does allow you the freedom to live a life that makes you happy. It also buys Time, which becomes more precious as I grow older. One of the benefits of the company I work at is that they give us half of the federal holidays at the end of the year. So instead of being off for Columbus Day (which is a shit holiday anyway), I've had this entire week between Christmas and New Year's Day to spend with my children. And the great thing is I don't even miss those shitty holidays because a 9/80 work week is standard here, so I usually have two Fridays off a month anyway. I don't need them and yet I still feel like I have a better grasp on work/life balance than during the first 10 years of my career, when I had less responsibilities. And it's one of the reasons why I don't intend to leave this company any time soon - that extra time (that I don't have to use my own PTO for) is worth it.

I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser

Midnights become my afternoons

When my depression works the graveyard shift

All of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room

I love the chorus (I think everyone does, because that's what's used in all the TikToks and IG reels). It's me. Hi. I'm the problem, it's me. It's meant to be kind of sarcastic but it's also an uncomfortable truth we have to face sometimes. If you keep dating the same type of dirtbag or end up in the same toxic situations, eventually you realize that you're making choices based off flawed subconscious beliefs. This is kind of the point of therapy - it forces you to look at your blind spots that result in the choices you make. It's why people don't like therapy. Because if you admit there's something you are doing that is causing your own pain, then you also have to take responsibility for making the change. You can only change once you're self-aware - when you can accurately see yourself in your entirety, not just the parts you want to see. I'm not saying you won't discover good things - a lot of what my therapist did was reflecting back and validating my good traits that I would disregard. You've got to take accountability for all of it, the good and the bad. "Anti-Hero" is primarily about taking accountability for the bad. And when you focus on that, yeah, you kind of start to think, "My God! Why do these people like me? What the fuck is wrong with them?!" Hold on, Batman, let's stare directly into the mirror a little longer. You'll see it, too. Eventually.

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
At tea time, everybody agrees
I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

I guess the main point of this post is that I'm trying to go into 2023 a little more self-aware. That's the goal - to always be a better version of myself. Part of that is recognizing my shadow and integrating it more fully. Admit where I've made mistakes and where I'm still in the learning process, but also recognizing where I've grown. And I've grown a lot this year. As a mother, as a cybersecurity analyst, as a writer, and as a person. I guess this is the point where I go into the "Greatest Hits of 2022," of which, there are many. I started out this year moving to a state I love (Arizona) - it still takes my breath away when the glow of the sunset hits the Catalina Foothills. I reconnected with my best friend from high school, which was wonderful. I went to see My Chemical Romance after two long years of waiting - definitely a bucket list item, especially since we all thought they were disbanded for good. I started this year barely being able to do a Chopper (Invert) on pole and now I'm doing moves that are way more advanced than anything I was doing in 2021.

I read 30 books this year, which is way more than the goal of 12 I set for 2022. Here are a few of my favorites: 

NOTE:  I know 30 books seems like a lot but I know people who have read 100+ books this year. In some cases, reviewing books is their job and, in most cases, they don't have children. Trying not to judge myself by this standard because, honestly, I'm pleasantly surprised and grateful I had time to read anything this year.

1. "The Beautiful Ones" by Silvia Moreno-Garcia
2. "Where the Crawdads Sing" by Delia Owens
3. "The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue" by V.E. Schwab
4. "Kindred" by Octavia Butler
5. Basically anything by Ali Hazelwood

As Spotify will tell you, I listen to a lot of music. However, their Unwrapped playlist for me is frontloaded with the songs I have in my warm-up playlist (good beats and shorter songs), which is always going to get a lot of airplay. Here is a short list of the songs I was actually the most obsessed with this year:

• "Desire" by Meg Myers
• "Lower" by TENDER
• "Tear You Apart" by She Wants Revenge
• "Fire for You" by Cannons
• "Kiss Me More" by Doja Cat, feat. SZA
• "Girls Your Age" by Transviolet
• "Running Up That Hill (A Deal with God)" by Lo Spirit
• "Big Energy" by Latto
• "She" by Harry Styles

And, to start off the year, my current can't get enough of song right now is "Die for You" by The Weekend.

Overall, I'm starting off 2023 much happier than I was at the beginning of 2022, but there's a lot I'd still like to change. For one, reconnecting with my bestie from high school reminded me how much I miss having a close friend. Preferably one that doesn't roll their eyes when I start talking about ghosts and astrology. And, although she's not biologically a mother, she took care of her niece and nephew for the better part of the pandemic so she understands how difficult it is raising kids AND trying to heal from her own lackluster childhood, i.e., where I find myself today. It was nice talking to someone who could relate to my experiences, because I'm finding that a lot of my peers are either too young for kids (Gen Z types) or are childless by choice (which includes my sisters). In addition to that, I find myself missing someone who is no longer in my life anymore in any meaningful way. I'm having a hard time letting things just be how they are. I feel lonely way more than I wish I did, though it gets better when I go to pole class. At least people know me there and I have classmates/instructors that I regularly see and who notice when I'm gone. I'm hoping my network and my friendships will expand in the new year but until then, I'm learning how to be okay alone.

Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby

And I'm a monster on the hill

Too big to hang out, slowly lurching toward your favorite city

Pierced through the heart, but never killed

Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism

Like some kind of congressman? (Tale as old as time)

I wake up screaming from dreaming

One day I'll watch as you're leaving

And life will lose all its meaning

(For the last time)

After listening to several astrology podcasts and predictions for 2023, I've decided that the theme for 2023 is Aligning to the Vision. For me, this means focusing a lot more on writing, specifically on finishing projects and improving on them. A little less ranting about T-Swift, a little more poetry and prose. I'm also dead set on getting to Level 3 at my pole studio. For context, most people quit pole before they even graduate Level 1. Level 2 is when you start focusing more on strength moves and it's gets really hard if you're not naturally strong....and it's considerably more dangerous, because you start flipping upside down and doing more stuff aerially (i.e., higher up on the pole). Given how much progress I've made so far, I think reaching Level 3 before my next birthday is a real possibility. 

Let's roll up this post (and this year) with the "Anti-Hero" video. T-Swift is haunted by the worst version of herself, as well as her mistakes and insecurities. But she's actively trying to make peace with them. She gets to attend her funeral and watch her children fight over her fortune (perhaps implying that she fully intends to make little Swifties once she and Joe Alwyn get married). Just like all her other videos, it's iconic and visionary, in a way only Taylor Swift could create.

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
It's me, hi, everybody agrees, everybody agrees

Happy New Year! Welcome to 2023.

"Anti-Hero" Video

It's that time of year again....

It's T-Swift's birthday! She's 33 years old today and, of course, super busy. As a Scorpio Rising, this past year has been an eventful one with eclipses happening in her 1st House (Self) and 7th House (partnerships). As I predicted, she did get engaged to her long-time boyfriend, Joe Alwyn, shortly after the Spring eclipse season. She played a minor role in "Amsterdam," which was released in October 2022. And right before this past eclipse season, she released a brand new album, "Midnights," which includes collaborations with notable singer-songwriters like Jack Antonoff and Lana del Rey.  The album hit high on the charts fairly quickly and has received positive critical review, to include being called the "Pop Album of the Year." She also launched a new tour, which - due to the issues with ticket sales - finally got federal regulators to really look into Ticketmaster's monopolistic practices within the performance industry. Looking forward to her 33rd year around the Sun - a 10H (Career and Reputation) profection year - it doesn't look like she'll be slowing down. Not only will she be on tour but she will be writing and directing a new film from Searchlight. This news is unsurprising - she as directed or co-directed the majority of the music videos she has made in the last few years and even before that, she maintained a strong creative influence over the music videos that were released. Also, as mentioned, she may be a major player in the investigation against Ticketmaster. And we're still waiting for her to re-record some of her earlier albums (I personally am looking forward to "Speak Now (Taylor's Version)" and "1989 (Taylor's Version)"). Considering she has released a entirely brand new album every year for the past four years, we'll also get some new music as well. She's nothing if not prolific.

I had another song in mind for my yearly Taylor Swift appreciation post but....it was sad. And I didn't have time to write out exactly what I was imagining, which seems to be the theme of December. There's Not Enough Time (that's the theme). And I'm featuring another one of her songs for my New Year's wrap-up and I think one long ranty T-Swift post is enough for one year. Instead, please enjoy this incredibly shaky footage of Taylor singing "the greatest song of all time" (her words....and mine) with Johnny Rzeznik. I'm going to be honest, it's probably not one of her best performances but you could tell it was literally a dream come true for her and I can imagine her fangirling out afterwards.

"Iris" as performed by Taylor Swift and Johnny Rzeznik

"exile" by Taylor Swift (feat. Bon Iver)

 After three years of celebrating, I think you know what today is. It's motherfucking T-Swift's birthday. And, like a boss, she dropped - not just one - but two new albums in the thick of this hot mess we call 2020. "folklore" was released on July 24 (7+2+4=13) and she put out "evermore" last week, on December 11 (which, weirdly enough, does not add up to 13). She's been keeping busy in her log cabin deep in the woods. At least, that's how I like to picture her - walking through the trees at dusk, sipping tea on her porch as the light filters through the leaves, writing songs by candlelight. In her own words, she just couldn't stop writing. I hear you, Taylor. Same, my dear, same. But I'll write more about that in my New Year's post. I haven't been able to sit down and fully listen through these albums yet. "Sister albums" as she called them, because the songs in them intertwine, continue, and reflect the stories in each other. I prefer to let myself discover them in my own time, because I know when I need it most, the right Taylor Swift song will float into my awareness and make things better. 

Let's get one thing perfectly straight - both of these albums are masterpieces. Swift is at her best when she's occupying the grey space between pop and country - squarely in indie folk music territory. The songs in these albums are vulnerable. She knows she's a complicated person, but she has been able to integrate her darkness with her light through her art in a way that so few learn how to do in this life. And, although she took inspiration from all over and she claims some of the stories she tells in her music are fictional, all the songs are strangely personal. People like to bash Swift - to make fun of her and revel in her failures to quell their own insecurities. They say she's not that remarkable. But she is. And as she softens with age and experience, she becomes even more unstoppable. 

I can see you standin', honey

With his arms around your body

Laughin' but the joke's not funny at all

And it took you five whole minutes

To pack us up and leave me with it

Holdin' all this love out here in the hall

"exile" is a collaboration with indie folk band, Bon Iver. And that's how you know T-Swift really is The Man - she's collaborated with some surprising musicians and people in the industry, no matter what genre of music they create, respect her talent. If you ain't shit, no one wants to work with you. That's just how it is. "exile" is perhaps the most critically acclaimed of all the songs on "folklore" and I can understand why. In just a few short weeks, it has become one of my Unskippables, an honor only one other Taylor Swift song can claim ("Everything Has Changed"). It's a duet - you know how I love duets - where we see both sides of a painful and unexpected breakup. Both sides are full of regret, still holding on to love, but seeing the situation as unfixable. Justin Vernon's (Bon Iver) soulful voice puts a lot of emotion into that first verse, but my favorite part is the vocalization afterwards. He sounds like a wolf howling and the sound is so sad, it tears at my heart. There's a wildness to it and I have an incurable soft spot for wild things. 

I can see you starin', honey

Like he's just your understudy

Like you'd get your knuckles bloody for me

Second, third, and hundredth chances

Balancin' on breaking branches

Those eyes add insult to injury

For Taylor's part, her lyrics are thoughtful and the words she chooses are heavy with meaning. For example, calling her new boyfriend the male singer's understudy. In theatre, we're taught the understudy is just as good, because they have to fill in the role when the main player can't be there. But in the back of your mind, you know that - if they were just as good - they would've been given the part outright. The understudy is a placeholder, and even though they may know the lines and how to play the part, there's just something missing. But it seems unfair to point it out. Even the title of song - "exile" - has a certain connotation. With a significant Cancer placement (Moon in Cancer), Swift associates Love with the feeling of home, of being safe, of being cared for - the deep intimacy of being privy to something intangible, that only you know. That is evident in the phrases she picks - "you were my town" and "you're not my homeland anymore." In this sense, exile is a very real feeling - of having been allowed deep into another's inner world, then being suddenly forced out. It is the unsettling discomfort of being unmoored, without an anchor, shoved into the wilderness without a compass. I'm mixing my metaphors, but you get it. 

So step right out

There is no amount

Of cryin' I can do for you

All this time

We always walked a very thin line

You didn't even hear me out (you didn't even hear me out)

You never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)

All this time

I never learned to read your mind (never learned to read my mind)

I couldn't turn things around (you never turned things around)

'Cause you never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)

So many signs

So many signs (you didn't even see the signs)

In the chorus, you can especially hear the hurt on both sides. There's a lack of closure. The relationship feels unfinished. Neither felt fully heard at the end but then, it doesn't sound like they even tried listening first. And reading minds - that'll just get you in trouble. If you want to know what someone's thinking, the only way to do that is to ask. And if you want someone to know what you're thinking, you've got to speak up. Something I'm trying to learn, after a lifetime of trying to read minds and anticipate everyone else's needs - and expecting them to do the same then feeling disappointed when they miss the mark. I'm particularly drawn to the seeming double meaning in Swift's use of signs. I don't think she's just referring to her attempts to get him to meet her needs. "folklore" and "evermore" are rife with symbolism, both in the songs and in the videos she's created for the singles so far. In her latest single, "willow," the video references the Golden Thread of Fate, a concept in Greek mythology that assumes every human is following their own Destiny, which is ultimately unavoidable. You can delay it, but the Universe will always keep trying to push you towards that end. In the video, it is shown connecting Taylor to her True Love (within the fantasy world she's created for these two albums). It's been a rough decade but clearly Swift still believes in fairy tales, love stories, and soul mates. No matter how many times her heart has been broken.

Swift's next year should be pretty interesting. Like myself, she has an eclipse falling very close to her birthday (solar eclipse in Sagittarius on 14 December), which is coinciding with the official end of her Saturn return (natal Saturn in Capricorn) and the Saturn-Jupiter conjunction in Aquarius will be conjunct her natal Venus in Aquarius. Yes, she should have a good year ahead of her indeed. Sharing the official lyrics video for "exile" - Taylor Swift is one of the artists that is really diligent about putting out her own lyrics videos when her albums are released. It's a really intelligent practice for two reasons - 1. She gets the views (and the money) from people watching and listening to her songs on YouTube, not some rando who spends 5 minutes with free video editing software; and 2. it allows her to control the narrative and aesthetic of the album, something she is meticulous about. Enjoy!

"exile" Video

"Better Man" by Taylor Swift (performed by Little Big Town)

This song has been heavy on my "On Repeat" list in recent weeks. I found it at the beginning of July, when it played in the mix I was listening to, which was heavy on country and southern gothic tunes. I bought these things called Belly Buds to pipe music into my stomach for the baby to listen to. Unlike Ronin, who went crazy any time he heard Guns N' Roses' "Paradise City," this next kid has more refined tastes. He prefers classical music and folk rock (which I like to refer to as "country music for liberals"). As such, I've ventured pretty deeply into those genres lately.

Whenever I think I've heard everything by Taylor Swift and know all her best songs, something new pops up that sets me in awe of her talent all over again. "Better Man" was written for her 2012 album, "Red," which is a brilliant album and even more impressive given the fact that these were songs she wrote when she was fucking 22 years old! Girl has some major life experience points going on. Some of my favorites are on that album, including "Everything Has Changed" and "Begin Again." I'm going to stop myself before I go into a full-on fangirl spiral. Anyway, "Red" marked the start of Swift's transition from country to a more pop sound. "Better Man" definitely falls closer to the country end of that spectrum - perhaps more country than her producers were aiming for on that album - so it was scrapped from the final release. But it's too amazing a song to just be thrown in a drawer and forgotten by the annals of music history. She decided to pass it on to another country band, Little Big Town, which was a good choice. I didn't notice the name on the artist, only that the song art had Taylor's picture on it, so for the first dozen listens, I thought she was the one who was singing. The singer for Little Big Town does sound a lot like Taylor but after a close listen, Swift sings this song in a slightly higher register and she's more emotive with her performance. Little Big Town's interpretation is a lot smoother.

What hooked me was the lyrics to the first verse of the song:

I know I’m probably better off on my own

Than lovin' a man who didn’t know

What he had when he had it

And I see the permanent damage you did to me

Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic

I wish it wasn’t 4am, standing in the mirror

Saying to myself, you know you had to do it

I know the bravest thing I ever did was run

The last line struck me, because I completely understand it. I have a hard time leaving people behind, especially when I really care about them. I'm one of those people who gives a million chances, will stay no matter how bad things get. Often it's because I think "running" is giving up and - even worse - the cowardly thing to do. However, when you're used to sacrificing your own needs for the others, running away is the harder choice. The scarier choice. The more painful choice. Because the reason you play the martyr is because you don't want to hurt anyone, so you choose to hurt yourself instead - martyrdom has become the "comfort zone," as twisted as that sounds. The second verse is kind of unique to Taylor, as she has a penchant for douchy assholes, but the sentiment is sincere. Especially when you're a hopeless romantic type, your vision of love is often tied up in being able to withstand the hard times. Unfortunately, societal norms have warped "withstanding the hard times" with tolerating poor treatment. I find it ironic because people will look at survivors of domestic violence and ask "why did he/she stay so long" but then turn around and judge people who get divorced from a functioning but otherwise unhappy and unfulfilling situation. As if it's obvious from the start (it usually isn't - people jump into things with their whole hearts at first). Society is batshit crazy, which is why I think there has been such a massive return to relying on intuition. The rules of the matrix are fucked, so we have to return to organic systems, to nature. Which leads me into today's real rant.

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again

But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man

And I know why we had to say goodbye

Like the back of my hand

And I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man

A better man

Tonight is the Full Moon in Pisces, opposite the Sun in Virgo. In general, this is supposed to be an uplifting Full Moon because the Moon is comfortable in Pisces, but it comes with a mixed bag of aspects and other less pleasant planetary interactions. This Full Moon falls on the Virgo-Pisces axis, which can best be described as Order vs Chaos. But remember - opposite signs are trying to do similar things, just using different methodologies. Virgo is the sign of Service - specifically, Service to Others. Virgo energy wants to be useful and helpful, and often pursues these desires through very Earth-centric and Mercurial traits - being organized, detail-oriented, risk-averse, dependable, communicative, and practical. Pisces is about Service, too, but a very different kind of service - Pisces is about fulfilling our divine purpose and uncovering the hidden mysteries of life. In order to be successful in that sort of service, Virgo methods will undoubtedly fall short in some ways. Pisces relies heavily on intuition, following the flow, and listening to the signs the Universe sends us, as well as our hearts, which guide us toward that divine purpose. Yes, Pisces gets a reputation as being kind of the space cadet of the zodiac, but they also tend to understand the deeper meaning in our dreams and secret desires. Both signs have a tendency to become self-sacrificing if they are out of balance. Keeping that in mind, the modern ruler of this Full Moon, Neptune, is making a loose T-square to the North (Gemini) and South (Sagittarius) Nodes. This aspect causes tension and the tension between this placements is that we're stuck trying to figure out if our dreams can be manifested by staying in the Past (old habits/behaviors/situations) or taking a leap of faith into the Future (new habits/behaviors/opportunities). We look to other aspects and planets to find out what we're being guided to in regards to this lunation. In particular, Uranus - planet of change - is making some really beneficial aspects, being sextile the Moon and trine the Sun, which favors going in a different direction, especially if your old methods have lost their effectiveness.

That was the good part of this Full Moon, but there's difficult aspects that may indicate where trouble may be looming. Venus is opposite Saturn and square Mars. And Mars is coming off an exact square with Saturn. These are challenging aspects for love, relationships, passion, and finances - lots of restrictions and, with Mars beginning to station retrograde, a huge slow down to any progress being made in these areas. The one bright spot here is that Mercury is in one of its domiciles - Virgo. Communication might be the key to unlocking - or, at least, surviving - these difficult transits. Regardless, we're processing some grief at this time. The Full Moon eases this tension somewhat with a spotlight on our favorite spiritual enigma - Surrender. Pisces, being the sign of spirituality, reminds us to let go of what we cannot control. And, unfortunately, we cannot control the future or even the outcomes of our actions. We can do as much as we can to point the arrow in the right direction but once it's released, Spirit controls its path. Que Sera Sera. Whatever will be will be. And whatever comes next will hopefully be good. Doubtful as we head into what The Astrology Podcast nicknamed "Super Serious September" but I'm open to it. That's a benefit to having a lot of water and fire energy in your chart, especially when combined with influential placements in a mutable modality. Works well with chaos and uncertainty - I should put that on my resume. Even with astrology, it's often a game of hindsight is 20/20 and even when we account for all the variables - and there's numerous variables that I haven't even discovered yet - a certain amount of guessing is needed for disciplines like predictive and electional astrology. And when doing natal chart readings, it helps to do them face-to-face because things you never considered before when looking at the data will pop out when you encounter the living, breathing representation of a moment in divine creation. That's what makes it so fascinating - life is the proverbial "box of chocolates," although you can usually figure out what you're going to get if you fucking read the chart on the inside of the lid. Just an observation.

COVID-19 Update: Trying to get enough rest lately has been a challenge. Between work, planning for the baby, racing thoughts, and being in a constant state of discomfort, insomnia is pretty much inevitable, no matter how much I meditate. I'm taking a page from Sarah Bernhardt's book and trying to get 10-15 minutes of sleep when fatigue hits me. That usually does the trick. My older sister is throwing me a virtual baby shower. She's trying to get my younger sister involved but that's not the easiest task - please be aware that being a Virgo does not automatically mean you're organized and efficient. It is a mutable placement, after all, which can have a very unfocused energy when not harnessed correctly. I'm sure it's no picnic for her either. Can you imagine being a Mutable sign with two Cardinal sisters? So much bossiness! And Cancer and Libra are considered the "softer" Cardinal signs? Yeah, there's no such thing - we just have better people skills.

Little Big Town had an official video for this song, so I'm sharing that as well as Taylor Swift's performance at the Bluebird Cafe. A little vocal compare and contrast - and Swift is so endearing and genuine, it makes me smile when she performs for her fans. As is custom, I'm scheduling this post to publish at the exact time of the Full Moon. Happy September!

Little Big Town "Better Man" Video

Bluebird Cafe Performance

"Enchanted" by Taylor Swift

Today marks the second New Moon in Cancer for this year and the first new moon after Eclipse Season. Two new moons within the same sign is a rare occurrence and can only happen if the first new moon in a zodiac sign occurs at the 0 or 1 of the sign - which, if you remember, happened this Summer Solstice, when the new moon occurred at 0 Cancer. The way astrologer's have interpreted this occurrence as a chance to do the New Moon in Cancer over so if you wanted to do a New Moon ritual but chose not to due to the volatility of doing magic during an eclipse period, you've got the go ahead now. The New Moon in Cancer is an especially good time to work with the Divine Feminine and Dark Goddesses, doing inner child shadow work, or magic concerning love, family, home, and personal manifestation.

There I was again tonight forcing laughter, faking smiles

Same old tired, lonely place

Walls of insincerity

Shifting eyes and vacancy vanished when I saw your face

All I can say is it was enchanting to meet you

To celebrate the Moon being in her domicile, Cancer, I picked a song by an artist whose Moon in Cancer placement truly defines her work - Taylor Swift. I have this theory that all people with water moons filter life and relationships (especially romantic relationships) through a particular story lens within their internal monologue. Cancer Moons have a tendency to view romance through the traditional fairy tale/fantasy lens. Scorpio Moons filter it through a paranormal romance or neo-noir lens. And Pisces Moons filter life through what I call a more whimsical indie romance lens (for example, picture any film by Wes Anderson). Cancer placements have a reputation for being old-fashioned and even a little traditional. This translates into an aesthetic that is classic and maybe even a little bit vintage. For example, Dita von Teese, whose South Node is in Cancer (North Node in Capricorn), has built an entire career around vintage glamour and feminine beauty - she's simply capitalizing on what her soul knows best (an exquisite interpretation of this nodal axis)! By traditional, it's been said that Cancer energy has a very Disney-movie-esque interpretation of love. Big romantic gestures, a steady courtship based on friendship, the idea of soul mates, a tasteful engagement ring, a fantasy wedding, and then happily ever after, which involves a nice house with a white picket fence, 2.5 children (and possibly more - Cancer is the Mom of the zodiac), and a couple pets. It does evoke the imagery of a fairy tale romance, which has been a staple of Swift's music from the beginning. Even in her racier songs, she relies on her elite story telling to depict a cinematic interpretation within the corresponding music video. Aside from this, her aesthetic is generally very classic and feminine. Even when she went on her angry, goth tangent for her "Reputation" album (i.e., embracing her Scorpio Rising), those elements were still present in both the wardrobe styling and the music.

Your eyes whispered "have we met?"

Across the room your silhouette starts to make it's way to me

The playful conversation starts

Counter all your quick remarks, like passing notes in secrecy

And it was enchanting to meet you

All I can say is I was enchanted to meet you

Taking a look at Swift's natal chart, she has a number of oppositions along the Cancer-Capricorn axis. Although the opposition aspect can be challenging, mastering those challenges can bring a lot of rewards. Aspects, in astrological understanding, bring a special focus and relationship between the planets in the aspect and the signs those planets fall in. Remember that an opposition relationship (such as between Cancer-Capricorn) is a relationship where the energies are trying to do similar things using different methods. Mastery, in this case, would mean being able to balance the positive aspects from both signs to create an even stronger effect. Taylor Swift's Mercury in Capricorn (planet communication) is in a strong opposition with her Jupiter (planet of Luck and Fortune) in Cancer and conjunct Neptune (planet of dreams and imagination) in Capricorn. Jupiter is also exalted in Cancer, giving this planet's beneficial effects more power. Astrologer's can interpret this opposition as Swift being especially good at her method of communication (music) and also having a special ability to describe her thoughts and feelings when she does communicate. Mercury in Capricorn also means that she has a calculated and well-planned way of organizing her thoughts when she does use her musical abilities. Another aspect of all this Capricorn energy is that she is no stranger to hard work and she can a veritable workaholic, especially when she's on tour. Her Moon in Cancer in loose opposition to multiple planets in Capricorn means she views those she works with and for as family and Taylor Swift is notorious for being incredibly gracious, generous, and kind to fans, her backup dancers, and other people who assist her when she's working. With Saturn in Capricorn opposite Jupiter in Cancer, it's also no surprise that she succeeded very early on in her music career (she became famous when she was 16 years old) and has been able to maintain and grow from that level of success. Finally, her Neptune in Capricorn is loosely opposite her Moon and Chiron in Cancer. This means she is able to manifest and make others understand her emotions and, in particular, her inner wounding. As I mentioned before, Taylor Swift has a different song for every kind of heartache. If you're being bullied, she has a song for that. If you've been cheated on (or, conversely, been cheated with - she has experienced playing both parts), she has songs for that. If you've been in love with someone who doesn't know you exist, she has dozens of songs for that. Part of this is because she has dated a lot - Cancer placements have a tendency to be on a perpetual search until they find "The One" - but she also had a lot of life experience for her short 30 years, because of the success she's had. With Chiron in Cancer, she is hypersensitive to how others react to her feelings and needs and I'm sure she's been on the receiving end of comments such as she's "too much" or "too sensitive." And that's the fine line those of us with personal placements in Cancer must walk - we're highly empathetic but we also want someone who is equally compassionate and caring and are often disappointed. With this Chiron placement, people often get in a cycle of repressing their own needs to make others comfortable, which only leads to resentment and self-betrayal. Again, the key here is balance and the uncanny ability of fill your own cup first before giving to others, something all Cancer placements must learn to master.

This is me praying that this was the very first page

Not where the story line ends

My thoughts will echo your name, until I see you again

These are the words I held back, as I was leaving too soon

I was enchanted to meet you

I chose this song because it very recently was added to my list of top Taylor Swift songs. Although my favorite T-Swift song will probably always be "Everything Has Changed," which still makes me smile and calms my heart (seriously, liquefy this song and shoot it straight into my veins, please), "Enchanted" comes in as a close 2nd place. Over the past year, I've gotten into the habit of listening to the "This is Taylor Swift" playlist on Spotify whenever I'd have a particularly rough day, which is how I found this song. She is prolific and this is one of her older songs, from when she could still be roughly classified as country music. The lyrics depicts that fairy tale vibe you see in so many romance stories - eyes met across the room, love at first sight, and all that jazz. The high you feel after a moment or night like the one she describes. The uncertainty of whether the other person felt the same or if it's all in your head. In general, it's a sweet, youthful song, which I felt captured the essence of today's New Moon in Cancer. Enjoy!

"Enchanted" Video

"Lulabelle" by Hanson

Happy Hanson Day! Thought I'd forget, didn't you? Absolutely never! As such, I'm sharing one of my favorites. Yes, it is sung by Zac. There's something about his gravelly tenor that strikes me and seems especially fitting for sad, wistful lyrics, like the words in "Lulabelle."

The story behind this song that I've constructed is that the lyrics are about this girl whose whole existence is predicated on being beautiful, due to being in the public eye (like a beauty queen or a moviestar). People are so obsessed with her beauty that they don't see her for who she it. She becomes very depressed and she ends up killing herself (through an eating disorder but this part of the story is open to interpretation). Or it could be about a show dog. I don't think Hanson intended for this song to be given such a dark backstory but that's the story that comes to mind when I hear this song.

Recently, I watched a clip from Taylor Swift's new Netflix documentary. She was talking about her struggles with an eating disorder and it struck me how similar her experiences were to mine. Not just in how things got out of control but how she was able to get a handle on it and how she deals with those urges now. It always begins as this continual process of not feeling good enough, not being beautiful enough, and ruminating on how you look compared to an impossible ideal. It's the type of disease where you are an active participant in reinforcing the pattern, even though it never began with you. She talked about looking at pictures of herself and how she'd fret about every curve. And how every day she was picked apart by someone for not looking beautiful and slim. Her inner critic amplified the voice of tabloids whereas mine just replayed whatever awful things my mom said in her rages, but still - the experience is the same. It happens gradually - you exercise for a little longer every day, you eat a little less. You pretend you're not tired or hungry. Unfortunately, a lot of these things are easy to hide or lie about. "I ate before I came." "I just went for a 'quick' run." You just keep going, wallowing in self-hatred (which is so easy to perpetuate). Then everyone starts praising how amazing you look, unknowingly reinforcing a vicious cycle. And just like that, you're destroying yourself to be beautiful.

Lulabelle's leaving the ball

No more reason to stay

Or people to see

But everyone here knows your name

From the light on your face

In the frame that hangs

In the hall where lovely girls go

Lulabelle goes, Lulabelle no

The path back is always the same, though, and it comes from a place of self-love. It's about understanding what being beautiful means to you (and only you) and relying less on the validation of others. Taylor talked about her self-talk and that's critical. When she finds herself worrying about her weight or analyzing another tabloid picture, she says to herself "Stop. We don't do that any more. It made use extremely unhappy so we just don't do that any more." You can see the transformation in her videos. In the old music videos, she was impossibly thin - a literal stick figure. But in her latest videos - and I noticed this most in the "Delicate" video - she looks healthier. And happier. That takes strength - real strength. To make the choice every day to love and respect yourself, in spite of what the outside world - and especially that hypercritical inner voice - is telling you.

Truth be told, I almost did forget it was Hanson Day. But for some reason, my brain started playing this song, which was an immense comfort during some of my more troubling days. I've been having a lot of memories surface in the past week. There's a reason - and I'll discuss this more tomorrow - but the theme of this Flower Moon in Scorpio is releasing the past. Letting go of things that brought us pain, which is necessary in order to greet the future with open arms.

Chose a live version to share, because Hanson is one of those rare bands that always sounds as good as the album version or better when performing live.

"Lulabelle" Video

"The Man" by Taylor Swift

You thought you were going to get out of T-Swift this month, didn't you? Haha...nope. It's her fucking birthday and as someone who also places a lot of importance (probably too much) on her birthday, I feel like I would be doing her a disservice if I didn't play it up sorta big. She is the Billboard Artist of the Decade, after all. True Story. The ceremony was yesterday, the day before her 30th birthday. That's a big fucking deal, considering that almost exactly 10 years ago, Kanye West jumped onstage and ruined her acceptance speech for Best Female Video at the VMAs. I think that was a turning point for her, because - the thing is - he would not have even dared to do that with any of the other nominees. P!nk fucking chewed his ass out afterward. Beyonce was a real lady and gave up her acceptance speech for Video of the Year so Taylor could finish hers. The rest of the nominees were of equal caliber, all brilliant female artists in their own right. But, when they're drunk (on alcohol or power), bullies go after people they think are weak. And I think she got tired of people thinking she was this sweet little girl they could walk all over with no consequences. As a result, she went on the defensive and became really aggressive in shaping her image. She never hid the fact that it was intentional - she wanted to change her reputation. And Swift got criticized for being too mean and ruthless. The "sweet, quiet girl" turned into a "fucking bitch" real quick after she started sticking up for herself. That's pretty typical.

I would be complex

I would be cool

They'd say I played the field before

I found someone to commit to

And that would be okay

For me to do

Every conquest I had made

Would make me more of a boss to you

I'd be a fearless leader

I'd be an alpha type

When everyone believes ya

What's that like?

This is my favorite song off her new album. I've decided it's my anthem for 2020, because I find it almost unbearably true. American culture has a bias towards masculine traits, especially in professional settings. In my experience, active traits such as aggressiveness, overconfidence, and posturing seems more highly valued than more passive skills like communication, planning, and negotiation/compromise, even when those same traits can be detrimental to reaching a goal. Even more common, those traits are also usually incorrectly conflated with leadership skills - then we wonder how we end up with leaders who are all talk but get nothing done, while we ignore the people making a real difference. The scales have been balancing out in recent years. Maybe not as quickly as preferred but, in general, emotional and social intelligence has gained importance.

I believe in the concept of non-duality - that we are comprised of opposites into a single whole and in order to fulfill our purpose, we have to embrace our inner contradictions. Everyone has masculine and feminine energy within them, but how we choose to express those aspects of ourselves has a myriad of faces. This can be difficult for some people to understand because they're used to dualistic thinking. Most people are subconsciously programmed with a bias just by growing up in a polarized culture. Even within feminist circles, there is so much internalized misogyny, it's not even funny. Our cultural depiction of a "strong woman" is outspoken, aggressive, doesn't dress sexy (and sometimes she doesn't even dress feminine), and leads people into battle. Not saying strong women aren't like this - some definitely are. But we've also created a false dichotomy where the antithesis of the "strong female character" are characters who society deems as going too far into the feminine spectrum. When you really look at cultural depictions, you start to notice all the subtle hints about what the People in Charge (PIC) want you to believe. For example, I love "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days." But a lot of the hilarity in that movie is generated because Andi is the stereotypical "cool girl" - i.e., the Perfect Woman, who is thin despite eating a steady diet of pizza and beer, loves sports, and looks beautiful without being high-maintenance - pretending to be a crazy girlfriend, who happens to be really girly. But at the end of the movie, she gets stopped from pursuing her dream of being a real journalist when Prince Charming (Matthew McConaughey) finally realizes he loves her. Really, Hollywood?! Is that really what a Strong Woman would do? I strongly believe that, if she is staying true to her heart, she'll find a way to make it work - she can have Prince Charming and pursue her dreams. In fact, if he really was Prince Charming, he'd be right beside her making her dreams happen and vice versa. It doesn't have to be a zero sum game.

To be a real gender nonconformist is to make your own choices in life, to be who you are even if it doesn't fit nicely in a box, even when the judgement is harsh and difficult to hear. It's not for the faint of heart. And maybe it's because I've been feeling this pressure more than usual - on top of being the primary breadwinner, I have to be the perfect mom and housewife, while trying to work on my own dreams in the wee hours of the morning - but I'm getting fed up with the current state of affairs. I've taken on all the gender roles which, ironically, makes me both not feminine or masculine enough to fit in anywhere. I don't like to be mean or overly aggressive with people (and I'm "too young"), so apparently I'm not cut out for a leadership role. But I'm too opinionated and intelligent to blindly follow whatever authority figure I'm stuck with. What's a girl to do?

I'm so done with this nonsense. I just want to make my own rules. Like Taylor did.

"The Man" Video

"I Knew You Were Trouble" by Taylor Swift

I'm trying to get the T-Swift outta the way early, for your sakes. As I've mentioned, Swift is a music video savant and there are plenty of her music videos I could've chosen for this theme. Not only do they showcase her ability to bring her vision to life, they also bring to light her biting self-awareness, her humor, imagination, and attention-to-detail. She's an artist who has been consistently forthright about how deeply her art is manifested as an expression of her life. Watching her videos is like watching how she imagines how her life is unfolding. They are a distorted fantasy, because they are all so much more beautiful than how I'm sure the experiences were. That's how art is. The best of it is born out of our darkest moments. It's able to shed light on those shadows and bring back joy where we only thought there would be pain. It does this a thousand-fold and more. And, if it's strong enough - if the idea, the feeling, the lesson is pure enough - it graces it's creator with immortality. Regardless of whether or not we remember their name, we'll be able to look, listen, or read their art and be stirred to the same emotion the artist was feeling when they created it.

I hope you enjoyed that paragraph, because that's as serious as we're getting today. I chose this song due to the sheer ridiculous-ness of the video. People forget Taylor is a Sagittarius, but her goofiness and optimism is what takes the edge out of what is genuinely a terrible situation, which we'll get to later.

Picture it - Coachella, 2012. It was a crazy time. It was one of the hottest summers on record, the second unsuccessful Spiderman franchise was just barely hitting theaters, and everyone was watching a meme where President Obama is singing "Call Me, Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepson. In fact, everyone was singing "Call Me, Maybe" that summer because, despite it's all around pop awful-ness, it's a national treasure. The world both does and does not deserve that song. What was I talking about? Oh yes....the "I Knew You Were Trouble" video. The intro to the video is ridiculously long - it lasts nearly two fucking minutes. For the record, I hate music videos with long, cinematic intros. This one gets a pass because it's hilariously confusing but if any musicians are reading this - don't fucking do that to your fans. They will seriously skip the video and look for a lyric video that cuts through the nonsense.

This is where our story begins. Taylor has just woken up in the middle of fucking Death Valley, tent debris everywhere, and she starts on a good long ramble. This, my friends, is a metaphor for her relationship with the guy she's singing about. The desert imagery is telling - in dream interpretation (which, among my renewed esoteric interests, is now one of my hobbies), deserts represent feeling unloved and unwanted. If there is someone else in the desert with you, that person is usually the person who is making you feel that way. Often, dreams like this signify that you feel burdened by this person. I'm going to take an educated leap and say that this symbolism carries over into the video. Taylor's rant is fairly personal, despite how pseudo-deep it sounds. In it, she acknowledges some key details - 1) she didn't trust her instincts, 2) she felt out of control, 3) even if she's kind of glad it's over, she still misses him - or who she was when she was with him, and 4) she made a mistake and she learned a valuable lesson. Never lose yourself in someone else. That was her fault, not his.

I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen.

It's not really anything he said or anything he did,

It was the feeling that came along with it.

And the crazy thing is I don't know if I'm ever gonna feel that way again.

But I don't know if I should.

Moving on - Taylor meets a drug dealer during one of the shows. Let's talk about this drug dealer. He's hot - way hotter than a drug dealer at Coachella should be. Side note: The actor who plays the "bad boy" in this Taylor Swift video also played Dorian Gray in "Penny Dreadful," so that should give you an idea of how attractive he is. Eternally youthful, mischievous smile, creepily mesmerizing eyes whose color hovers in between green and brown (depending on his mood). Add in tattoos, guy-liner, and man jewelry and he's basically irresistible to a naive 20-something girl on a road trip. Sure, every girl knows that the fedora and wearing suspenders over a wifebeater should have been her first clues he was a major douchebag - but we've all been there, so we can't judge. Hindsight is always 20/20. Anyway, we see snippets of their relationship, which looks pretty insane from the get go and automatically, you can see it wasn't going to be Taylor's jam. Some moments look alright - maybe even romantic - like the cuddling in bed and the matching tattoos. But the rest of it was bullshit. Getting in trouble with the cops, starting fights with biker dudes who could definitely kill the skinny motherfucker, and when he gets bored, he moves on to the next girl with low self-esteem.

You may notice that I keep calling the guy a "drug dealer." That's only half a joke - the other half is the very real effect of love addiction, a characteristic of codependent relationships, especially when a narcissist is involved. These relationships move really fast - like saying "I love you" after three weeks fast. Usually what happens is that one person "love bombs" the shit out of the other person until they are hooked (and depending on how much trauma the person has gone through, this can be disarmingly quick) and then begins to test their boundaries by becoming more and more ambivalent about responding to the other's needs within the relationship. This is when the abuse usually starts - gaslighting, verbal abuse, withholding affection and/or sex, isolation, silent treatment, jealous accusations, and sometimes, even physical violence. However, every so often, the narcissist will do just enough love bombing - a nice dinner here, a small gift there, a compliment or two - just enough to give the codependent person hope that the other person will change back into that loving person they initially knew. Unfortunately, that never happens. What does happen is the codependent person loses their entire identity - including connections with friends and family. In order to keep getting validation and "love" from the other person, they will try their best to conform to be the "perfect" partner. Change their clothes and appearance, hide their opinions, compromise all their needs and boundaries - all for a few crumbs of approval. In the end, it does no good anyway, because once the codependent is depleted of all self-worth, the narcissist will usually move on to someone else. Sometimes they'll come back, especially if the codependent person seems to be doing well (because how dare they move on with their life!) but it will never become a healthy relationship. I have a lot of compassion for Taylor because the experiences that prompted her to write this song probably completely fucked up how she perceived what a healthy relationship should look like. Indeed, many people have difficulty after a codependent relationship because a healthy relationship often feels "boring."

No apologies. He'll never see you cry,

Pretends he doesn't know that he's the reason why

You're drowning, you're drowning, you're drowning

Now I heard you moved on from whispers on the street

A new notch in your belt is all I'll ever be

And now I see, now I see, now I see

He was long gone when he met me

And I realize the joke is on me, yeah!

The irony is we're pretty sure this song was written about John Mayer, whose image (at least in the beginning) was built on being the sensitive Nice Guy. This is a misnomer, because these guys are definitely the worst. As most girls are aware, the Nice Guy often feels more entitled to female attention than run-of-the-mill assholes do. In addition to that, men who describe themselves as a "nice guy" often have an inferiority complex, which can often lead to over-compensating with hyper-masculine behaviors, such as emotional distancing and promiscuity. The thing to understand about human interaction is that people treat others the way they feel about themselves. It's a self-fulfilling prophesy in the worst way - they leave first because they expect others to abandon them, they treat others with cruelty because they perceive those that have treated them with cruelty in the past as superior, and they don't care about other people's feelings because they ignore their own. When confronted by another's Shadow like this, it is tempting to turn our anger and resentment inward at ourselves. What is so unlovable about me that they would treat me this way? What did I do to deserve this (because I surely must've done something to deserve this)? This is a slippery slope that ends in getting trapped within our own shadow. A shadow that, if left unchecked, could leave us just as cold as the other person (and Taylor spent many years very publicly stuck in this tailspin). So, what do we do? I, personally, have found much solace in the Ho'oponopono meditation, the Hawaii'an practice of forgiveness. It consists of repeating the following mantra: I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. With this mantra, the practitioner is forgiving themselves for their part as much as forgiving the other person. Self-compassion is the root of self-worth and self-esteem. It's also essential for the integration of the Shadow.

"I Knew You Were Trouble" Video

"Lover" by Taylor Swift

Today will be a quick song of the day, since I'm out of town and haven't had much free time. I've tried to keep my Taylor rants to a minimum but I'm going to take a brief detour from this month's theme to share T-Swift's latest song. Mostly because it's the first one I really liked off the new album, which comes out this Friday. Don't get me wrong..."ME!" and "You Need to Calm Down" were fun but not brilliant. "The Archer" was stylistically unique but was a departure from what made Taylor famous (and sounded a little like she was trying to emulate the whimsical sad girl trope that's so popular in indie music nowadays). But "Lover" brings us back to what made her famous - heartfelt lyrics, understated romance, and a relatable country lilt that transcends genres. Honestly, it reminds me of my actual favorite T-Swift tune, "Everything Has Changed," and that's a good thing.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you please stand?

With every guitar string scar on my hand

I take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover

My heart's been borrowed and yours has been blue

All's well that ends well to end up with you

Swear to be over dramatic and true to my lover

And you'll save all your dirtiest jokes for me

And at every table, I'll save you a seat, lover

"Lover" appeals to me because it's rings something that I feel is essential for love and that is the feeling that you're home. Maybe it's my Cancer stellium talking, but it's incredibly difficult for me to feel comfortable enough to be myself with strangers. I find it weird because I find that most people will share all sorts of secrets with me, even when I'm not looking for it. It's not that I'm secretive, I just private...you'll get to know me when I want you to know me and not a minute sooner. When I do find someone that allows me to let my guard down without hesitation, that's something special. It goes without saying that those instances are rare, because once I get to that point, I have a tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm afraid Taylor and I have that in common, but - after all the turmoil and controversy stirred up during her 20s - it sounds like Taylor's Saturn return has been good to her. It sounds like she's found someone who both inspires her and encourages her to be playful, that makes her want to settle down and build a home. Someone who meets her on her level and both challenges her to be better while accepting that she's human, too. 

I chose to feature the bridge because it has the most dynamic lyric pattern during the whole song. I also think it gets to the heart of what she's saying, which is this - if all the chaos and pain and tears led her to being with (to quote Tom Hanks in "You've Got Mail") the "one single person in the world who fills your heart with joy," then it was all worth it. But, I'd like to note few idiosyncrasies I found in the lyrics. Does she really think leaving the lights up until January is a big deal? Honestly, I love Christmas lights and, if it was up to me, I'd leave them up all year long. Or better yet, I'd string 'em up inside my house so I could enjoy them whenever, because it instantly makes a room feel magical. We did that for a while, in our first apartment in San Antonio, and I loved it. We also let our friends crash in our living room, but we really didn't have any other option. We were all young and broke, so it would've been pretty dick to make them get a hotel room. Also, doesn't Taylor Swift have like a 16-room mansion? Pretty sure crashing in the living room is fairly unnecessary for anyone in her social circle. But, I have to admit, it is kind of cozy. I enjoyed sleepovers when I was younger because it felt comforting to have everyone sleeping around me. I'm sure that says something troubling about my psyche but I don't care. Yes, I was one of those kids who liked camping in my living room (which was a rare and treasured experience) and building pillow forts. I read on Twitter that Cancers love their caves. In my case, this is accurate. My whole life, I've always wanted to sleep in a lit clos, which is a type of bed that is built into what looks like a chest of drawers, with doors you can close to make it dark. It's basically like sleeping in a coffin, which I'm sure I'd probably enjoy, too. I'm just rambling now, so I'll stop and give you some time to enjoy the video for "Lover," which is only a lyric video but it's got Taylor's favorite aesthetic (vintage home movies) all over it. 

"Lover" Video

"Twenty Two" by Taylor Swift

I've chosen a somewhat obnoxious song for my birthday, because I can. I know the song is actually "Twenty Two" but, lately, I've been singing it as "Thirty Two" because that's how old I am today (and I'm a dork who makes up lyrics to songs just for fun). As of 3:45 am, which you will notice is when this post was uploaded. No, I am not awake that early - I'm an old woman and I need my beauty sleep - but I did schedule it to post at precisely my birth time. Yep, I'm a little extra. When I got my first cell phone, my best friend in high school used to call me at exactly 3:45am every birthday, which made me feel super special. Lately, I feel like I'm lucky if The Husband remembers without looking at Facebook (but I'm sure a lot of people are in that boat with me....that's why I've been loudly hinting that my birthday is coming up for the last two weeks).

Anyway, even though I kinda/sorta think this is a terrible song, I still love it because it's hella catchy. Taylor Swift is (also) weirdly obsessed with her birthday and her age, so this is one of multiple songs she titled after the age she was at the time she wrote it. Additionally, her fifth studio album was named "1989," after the year she was born. She has a song named "Back to December," which is the month she was born in. And her next album is going to be released on 8/23, which is "13" if you add up all the numbers (this isn't just supposition - she straight up pointed this out when she did an Instagram video announcing the release of "Lover"). All of this makes me think she might be super interested in numerology which, quite frankly, just makes me love her even more.

It seems like one of those nights

This place is too crowded, too many cool kids uh uh, uh uh

It seems like one of those nights

We ditch the whole scene and end up dreaming instead of sleeping

Yeah

We're happy free confused and lonely in the best way

It's miserable and magical oh yeah

Tonight's the night, when we forget about the heartbreaks, it's time uh oh

I don't know about you but I'm feeling 22 32

Everything will be alright if you keep me next to you

You don't know about me, but I bet you want to

Everything will be alright if we just keep dancing like we're 22 32

I know I ranted about Taylor's Cancer moon a couple weeks back, but let's not forget, she's a Sagittarius, which is one of my favorite signs. You know why? Because, it's the sign of hope and optimism and I have a lot of Sagittarius placements (couldn't you tell?) And, as far as songs go, hope and optimism is the energy that "Twenty Two" most embodies. So - if I really believe in all this magic and setting intentions stuff - that's the energy I want to embrace for my 32nd year on this floating rock. In my recent astrological studies, I've been reading a lot about annual profections, which is that specific houses (and any planets that fall within them) are activated during each year as we grow older. The age of 31 falls in the 8th house, which is the House of Death and Rebirth. It's a house of hard lessons, hard realizations, and a lot of soul growth. I feel like that was very true for me. I also kind of feel like I'm not done with it, yet, but that doesn't mean I'm not looking forward toward what awaits me in the 9th House. The thing I love most about astrology is that everything is connected within the framework, so it should seem absolutely natural that the hard lessons and awakenings we encounter in the 8th House, are solidified into Wisdom during the transit of the 9th House. Ninth House years are full of discoveries and adventure (it's naturally ruler is Sagittarius), and it portends (or at least, I really hope it portends) lots of travel, learning, and expansion. The 9th House also indicates publishing and themes of spirituality and self-improvement. Well, I'm already on that bender so....Bring it on!

Side note: The more I read about profections and compare them to my life circumstances, the more creeped out I get. I met my Husband during a 7th House annual profection, became pregnant with my son shortly after I moved into a 5th House year, and I started my first real job during a 2nd House year. I know it's probably not this accurate for most people, but I find this is a common thing with astrologers. They start learning about astrology because it sounds fun and esoteric, but they keep with it because - when they start to apply it to their own life - it gets scary accurate. Just trying to keep my wits about me.

Anyway, I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 32. Which means that it makes me super anxious that she jumped into the pool wearing a sweater and mini-skirt that I'm almost certain cost like $800 for this video. Damn kids.

"22" Video

"Style" by Taylor Swift (as performed by Postmodern Jukebox)

I managed to fit in some Taylor Swift, even though (by definition) she does not fall into the retro-futuristic genre. But she is quite old-fashioned. Cancer placements have that effect. We tend to have a rosy picture of the past and a significant nostalgic streak. Especially relationships, even when (in saner moments) we're able to acknowledge that the other person never really gave a shit about us but about how we made them "feel." This results in what can look like we're going in circles, playing out the same stories hoping to get different results. Loving and giving and getting nothing in return, letting go because we're drained, exhausted and not getting what we need, then letting them back in because of some misplaced hope that things will work out. All love stories should have happy endings or some bullshit. I submit T-Swift's music (and love life) as Exhibit A. And poor Taylor is a Cancer moon, which I would argue is just as bad (possibly worse) as a Cancer sun because the moon is Cancer's ruler. But, that being said, her lyrics paint a pretty picture of young romance, the epic quest for True Love, and life in general. Every verse evokes a scene from a movie - replete with camera flares and fourth wall breaks - which appeals to me because I have a tendency to imagine myself as the heroine in my own suspensefully tragic romantic dramady.

"Style" is about one of Swift's on-again-off-again relationships. More specifically, about a having a connection with someone that is so special and seems to click so well that you keep coming back to them ("We never go out of style"). However, she's well aware of how things ended in the past (i.e., terribly). She just doesn't care. She'll keep letting this dumbass break her heart every time because it feels right when she's in it. We call that not learning the lesson. The lesson being - walk away, he's clearly not good for you because there was a reason you broke up with him in the first place.

So it goes, he can't keep his wild eyes on the road

Takes me home, lights are off he's taking off his coat (Hm yeah)

I say "I've heard that you've been out and about with some other girl, some other girl"

He says "What you've heard is true but I

Can't stop thinking about you" and I

I said "I've been there too a few times"

As I said, Taylor Swift's language is classic romance films circa 1935-1955, the Golden Age of Hollywood (because the dieselpunk era was a "golden age" for a lot of things), so let's just take a brief look at the lyrics. Her love interest has that "James Dean, day dream look in his eye" (a dangerous look indeed - a solid right hook usually does the trick). The James Dean reference doesn't end there - he's picking her up in his car and she mentions that their dalliance could end in "burning flames." A subtle - albeit mildly distasteful - nod to James Dean's death when he crashed his beloved Porsche 550 Spyder. It's a misconception that he died in an automobile fire - he snapped his neck on impact. Moving on, she says she has that "red lip, classic thing" about her, a look that Golden Age film sirens wore so well and that I have a hard time picturing Taylor Swift without. Finally, as with all her songs (because she made her name first as a country singer), the verses tell a clear story. He's called her out of the blue and is actually trying to keep their date a secret (no one picks a girl up with their headlights off unless they're trying to be sneaky - it's a rookie teenager move). It's pretty clear he's just wanting to get her in bed. She mentions that she heard he was seeing someone else. He admits he is but he "can't stop thinking about you and I." And she gives in because she's been fantasizing about the same thing. Fin. Sounds like a recipe for heartbreak but at least she got a killer single out of it. And I have no doubt that a scenario similar to this actually played out in her life. Swift has a tendency to take "write what you know" a little too seriously.

I like the Postmodern Jukebox version because it's a duet (the original is not). It's also higher energy - something you can dance to (PMJ says it's in "Grease"-style, which involved perhaps too much dancing). The original is more of a ballad, and not as fun to run to. The retro-futurist version replaces the synthesizers with brass, which naturally gives the whole piece a brighter sound. Also - and this is not remotely relevant - but the tenor who sings the male part (Von Smith) reminds me a little bit of Mr. Nice Guy. Just in the face. Von Smith is not quite as tall. And I'm pretty sure Mr. Nice Guy couldn't sing and didn't own a leather jacket. Including the T-Swift version, just because I can. She helped me make it through June alive - the least I can do is pimp her music videos.

"Style" PMJ Version

"Style" Original Video