Happy Hanson Day! Thought I'd forget, didn't you? Absolutely never! As such, I'm sharing one of my favorites. Yes, it is sung by Zac. There's something about his gravelly tenor that strikes me and seems especially fitting for sad, wistful lyrics, like the words in "Lulabelle."
The story behind this song that I've constructed is that the lyrics are about this girl whose whole existence is predicated on being beautiful, due to being in the public eye (like a beauty queen or a moviestar). People are so obsessed with her beauty that they don't see her for who she it. She becomes very depressed and she ends up killing herself (through an eating disorder but this part of the story is open to interpretation). Or it could be about a show dog. I don't think Hanson intended for this song to be given such a dark backstory but that's the story that comes to mind when I hear this song.
Recently, I watched a clip from Taylor Swift's new Netflix documentary. She was talking about her struggles with an eating disorder and it struck me how similar her experiences were to mine. Not just in how things got out of control but how she was able to get a handle on it and how she deals with those urges now. It always begins as this continual process of not feeling good enough, not being beautiful enough, and ruminating on how you look compared to an impossible ideal. It's the type of disease where you are an active participant in reinforcing the pattern, even though it never began with you. She talked about looking at pictures of herself and how she'd fret about every curve. And how every day she was picked apart by someone for not looking beautiful and slim. Her inner critic amplified the voice of tabloids whereas mine just replayed whatever awful things my mom said in her rages, but still - the experience is the same. It happens gradually - you exercise for a little longer every day, you eat a little less. You pretend you're not tired or hungry. Unfortunately, a lot of these things are easy to hide or lie about. "I ate before I came." "I just went for a 'quick' run." You just keep going, wallowing in self-hatred (which is so easy to perpetuate). Then everyone starts praising how amazing you look, unknowingly reinforcing a vicious cycle. And just like that, you're destroying yourself to be beautiful.
Lulabelle's leaving the ball
No more reason to stay
Or people to see
But everyone here knows your name
From the light on your face
In the frame that hangs
In the hall where lovely girls go
Lulabelle goes, Lulabelle no
The path back is always the same, though, and it comes from a place of self-love. It's about understanding what being beautiful means to you (and only you) and relying less on the validation of others. Taylor talked about her self-talk and that's critical. When she finds herself worrying about her weight or analyzing another tabloid picture, she says to herself "Stop. We don't do that any more. It made use extremely unhappy so we just don't do that any more." You can see the transformation in her videos. In the old music videos, she was impossibly thin - a literal stick figure. But in her latest videos - and I noticed this most in the "Delicate" video - she looks healthier. And happier. That takes strength - real strength. To make the choice every day to love and respect yourself, in spite of what the outside world - and especially that hypercritical inner voice - is telling you.
Truth be told, I almost did forget it was Hanson Day. But for some reason, my brain started playing this song, which was an immense comfort during some of my more troubling days. I've been having a lot of memories surface in the past week. There's a reason - and I'll discuss this more tomorrow - but the theme of this Flower Moon in Scorpio is releasing the past. Letting go of things that brought us pain, which is necessary in order to greet the future with open arms.
Chose a live version to share, because Hanson is one of those rare bands that always sounds as good as the album version or better when performing live.
Well, here comes my inner nerd again....today is Hanson Day, my friends. It is in Oklahoma, at least, and as a former (and forever) fan, May 6th will live on in my memory as such. Side note - I've always considered 6 a lucky number for me. Several important people in my life (including myself) were born on the 6th, multiple key days in my life fall on the 6, and I pretty sure that if I ever win the lotto, the number 6 will be involved somehow. Now, I'm sure you can understand my dilemma of trying to find a sufficiently dark Hanson song to write about today. Two came to mind instantly. "Broken Angel" and "Lulabelle." Personally, despite it's lullaby-like whimsical sound, I think "Lulabelle" is the darker (and more sad) of the two but I think that's mostly because of the back story I've ascribed to it. True to form, these are two of my favorite Hanson songs. Not coincidentally, they are both sung by Zac. Don't get me wrong....Taylor's great. But I prefer the huskiness in Zac's voice. It has more soul, in my opinion.
If you listen to the lyrics, "Broken Angel" is about an angel trying to fit in - maybe punching above his weight a little - but he's doing his best. But his best never seems to be enough for those judging him. As a result, he does something a little reckless to prove himself, but he pays for it in the end. When asked about the song in an interview, Zac said it was about the disappointments we face in life. Even if you go after a dream, you may not achieve it. Even if you find the perfect person, you might not be together forever. Fairy tales don't always come true, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't believe in them. The fact that these moments are so rare is what makes them precious and beautiful, and we should keep looking for them. In Zac's words, "you should still get up and strive to be a better person, live a better life and do these things; not to fall into the norm, but strive to do something great with your life." I concur, which is why I'm so hopeful still. Just because things didn't work out this time doesn't mean you should give up.
I pull my way up through this crowd
To find your body crushed on the ground
It's so obvious; why couldn't you see?
That you can't go high-flying
Without a pair of high-flyer wings?
Little one's broken lying on the ground
Trying to get up 'till his last breath out
Wings are strewn everywhere; there's blood all around
'Cause even angels die, but that light just fades
It's so sad, but he'd be so proud
The archetype I wanted to discuss today is a shadow of the King, a master masculine archetype - the Weakling. He lacks confidence and security in himself, and thus gives his power away to others. He allows those others to tell him who he is and how he should behave. Even how he should feel about certain situations. Because he feels powerless in his own life, he may be oversensitive to the moods and criticism over those who he perceives to have power over him - his supervisor, his friends, or his significant other. - and may feel desperate for their approval or validation. When he doesn't get it, he grows despondent because he has no identity without it. This feeling of powerlessness leaves The Weakling doubtful of his ability to lead, act, or even make decisions within his own life.
The Weakling is often a doormat, giving in to other's whims easily and allowing them to shape his identity. If you're manifesting this shadow in your own life, this may take the form of poor boundaries - letting people get away with treating you disrespectfully or allowing them to disregard your needs to avoid confrontation. It may manifest as Imposter Syndrome, forever paranoid that someone will discover that you're a fraud who doesn't know anything. You may come of as confident - maybe even a little arrogant - but deep down, you're afraid that you're not actually as good as you say you are.
It's important to look at these different aspects of the Weakling in order to bring ourselves into alignment with our inner King energy, which is balanced, decisive, and driven; has clear values and boundaries; has a strong sense of identity, with very little need for external validation; and is actively pursuing a greater purpose within his life. Essentially, with The King archetype and its shadows, we're concerned with being in our own power, which includes being cognizant of how we wield it (or if wield it at all). Some questions to ask during shadow work:
Do I let others tell me who I am? Do I let others tell me how to feel or behave?
What negative beliefs do I hold about myself? Can I identify the original source? - This requires examining your personal relationships (especially parental and romantic relationships) and being honest about how much negativity others project onto you. It may be uncomfortable to admit that people you love have subconsciously programmed you to think badly about yourself. Don't worry - we'll handle how to address that in a couple sentences.
Do I have a clear vision for my life? Or did I have a clear vision/dream at some point that I chose to give up on? If so, why did I give up on it?
Am I overly dependent on external validation? How do I react when I don't receive the validation I need from someone (especially loved ones)?
Do I let others violate my boundaries? - For example, if a loved one breaks a promise or returns to a behavior after you've already said makes you unhappy, do you hold your ground (reinforce your boundary) or pretend to let it go (even though you're privately hurt)?
Those should take a while to sort through, because these questions tend to reveal core wounds. Fear of abandonment or rejection. Feeling unloved and unworthy because of something intrinsic to ourselves. Things that make as act out in unpredictable ways that may not always be in our own best interest. Luckily, inner child work, defining clear boundaries, and developing/understanding our core values and goals can help resolve most of these issues.
There are multiple ways to develop a vision for your life. The simplest way is to write down what you want to accomplish in your life and start pursuing it. Good exercises are coming up with a Bucket List, creating a dream board, or writing your own obituary (a personal favorite - my obituary has been revised/re-written several times). The point is to be clear about what you want in life, which people really need to start doing earlier.
Write down all your good qualities and then craft personalized affirmations - e.g., I am wonderfully creative individual with tons of ideas.
When someone upsets you because of something they did, tell them. If they do it again, tell them again in very definite terms. And if they keep doing it, even though they know it upsets you, really consider whether or not you need to have that person in your life. Please note that I'm not talking about annoying ticks like chewing too loudly. I'm talking about big things like lying to you or keeping secrets (even small, seemingly innocuous things), violating your personal space, lashing out at you when they're upset, ignoring your needs, gaslighting - just generally abusive stuff that we've come to accept because, well, that's "normal" in a relationship, right? No. Not in healthy one.
When someone criticizes you, really consider whether it's a) warranted and b) true. Don't let others tell you who you are. And if they do, kindly tell them to fuck off (if possible - this is probably not suitable in all situations).
Really take notice how the people you hang around react to you implementing the above two suggestions. If they are not supportive and don't respect the boundaries you set (or get upset that you're setting boundaries), really consider how much you need to interact with those people. Yes, this includes family, which is why that makes it an uncomfortable step.
When interacting with others, be aware of whether or not you are respecting their boundaries and identity. All people deserve to be treated with respect and decency, regardless of your personal opinion of them. Part of shadow work is acknowledging that you may have not always treated people with kindness and understanding, and using that knowledge to be a better person going forward.
Not going to lie, shadow work can be intensive and it's not easy to do because it tends to trigger us in the worst way possible. I recommend not listening to songs like "Broken Angel" after trying to answer some of the questions listed today. It's not going to be pretty for anyone involved. In the end, though, it's be worth it because the point is to be your best self. Part of that is understanding where the shadow came from. I'll end with a quote from Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu: "Knowing others is wisdom. Knowing the self is enlightenment. Mastering others requires force. Mastering the self requires strength."
Beats Per Minute: 175 Perfect for: A fast, steady run, especially if you're feeling nostalgic or looking for something upbeat
Lost a little momentum for this month because I opted to leave my personal laptop at home on my work trip. That and I've been feeling sick all week (the long plane rides that bookended my work week didn't help), so it's highly doubtful I would've had the energy to do much writing, even if I had. Not to say I didn't do any writing - in fact, I've been in planning mode and I'm still going to try to work in some good stuff before April ends. Moving on, I hate to humble brag but I've been to a number of great concerts. I have seen legends perform. Legends, I tell ya....LEGENDS! That being said, my favorite memories are the three times I've seen Hanson perform. You read that right - I have seen Hanson not just once, but three times. Think what you will but I'm still a fan after nearly two decades. And it should be noted that they are still making music, performing live, and drawing crowds after two decades, which is more than can be said about most 90s bands. There's several reasons for that - they're extremely talented musicians, they're dedicated to their craft, and their music has evolved with the times. If you know anything about what gives an artist staying power in the industry, those three things are key - natural (but still constantly developing) talent, dedication and love for the art (and the work that is required), and the ability to change with times but stay true to their core style.
I've been feeling a bit nostalgic so I'm going to take this opportunity to share my adventures from those three Hanson shows. The first one was on 22 October 2000 - I remember the date exactly because it was Zac's birthday and the audience was prompted to sing "Happy Birthday" to him. I remember lamenting at the time that it was too bad he was a Libra and not a Scorpio (even with my rudimentary pre-teen astrological knowledge, I knew Cancers-Scorpios were very compatible romantically but Cancers-Libras were not - yes, the Husband is, in fact, a Scorpio). With a two year age gap (he was born in 1985 - so really only like a year and a half), I was also convinced he was way too old for me (geez, I was so young and stupid). This, however, did not stop me from having a huge celebrity crush on him, because he is kind of a funny, goofy guy and I love that in people. And he's the drummer - I like drummers, to the point where I'm still toying with the idea of getting my own drum kit and learning how to play. Going to this concert was lucky for me - I had only barely started being friends with the girl who had the tickets and when someone else turned down the offer, she asked if I wanted to join. Of course, concerts are great bonding experiences and I was good friends with the whole group that went after that. It was also the first time I remember going to a concert without much parental supervision. My friend's parents went, of course, but they had tickets in the stands, not on the floor like we did (on the floor! that was also very exciting). This was during the "This Time Around" tour and probably an extremely formative event in my musical history.
Fast forward to the following summer, my two best friends (which included the girl who invited me to the aforementioned concert) planned a Hanson-themed adventure to Tulsa, OK, to attend the first annual Riverfest, headlined by - as you may have guessed - Hanson. There were other bands there - really good ones, too, and I honestly wish I could remember their names. Anyway, because it was an outdoor fest with general seating, we got to the venue before the sun came up so that, when the gates opened, we could run to the main stage and get good spots. And we did! We ended up being in the front row and I was able to get quite a few good pictures of them playing. Afterwards, we slept for basically a whole day of our trip because outdoor music festivals are exhausting (that may seem obvious, but at 13-14 years old, we didn't know that). Then, we went around doing things that we thought the band would do - like eating at Taco Bueno, playing laser tag, and hunting down houses with three car garages. We're pretty sure we found their actual home but - for obvious reasons - we did not actually confirm that. But teen stalker antics aside, it was a fun trip.
The third show happened a decade later, after I had graduated university and moved back to Arizona. I was working in a call center while looking for better career opportunities (it was during the worst of the Great Recession, so it was hard goings). Hanson was playing in a dive bar as part of a radio station promo in between albums. It was being marketed as 90s nostalgia and, yes, most of the people who showed up were women around my age. I dragged my sister and her boyfriend with me, mostly because I didn't want to drive to Tucson alone at night, and bought them each a beer as a thank you. The bar smelled like tacos - we learned later that there was a taco bar on the second floor that was included in the cover charge. That taco bar haunts me because, well, I totally would've partaken in some shady bar tacos if I had known. The show was amazing, as it always is. They played acoustic and, even though I wasn't in the front row, the place was so small that I was even closer to the stage than I had been at Riverfest. My sister's boyfriend, who is over 6 feet tall, kindly took a few blurry pictures and videos for me - I'd share them but they're not as good as I remember and way too dark to even make out that it's Hanson. As silly as I felt at the time, I'm really glad I went. My inner child was/is very glad I went, because I know not going because I felt like it was childish would've been something I regretted. Take that as a lesson - go ahead, buy those tickets to the Backstreet Boys reunion tour. It may never happen again!
I can tell you one thing
We're not better on our own
I'm tired of running from my feelings
Are you listening?
Okay, enough about my foolishness, let's talk about the song. The lyrics are pretty straightforward - the singer (i.e., Taylor Hanson) has been acting like a jackass and his girlfriend has walked out. Not only that, but it sounds like it she's not coming back this time - 12 nights is a long time to not have any contact with someone you intend to get back with. I'm always interested to hear the other side of the story with these songs. For example, this lyric: Well, I can tell you there's no room to play this game. What if she's not playing a game? What if she's just tired of your bullshit, Taylor Hanson - did you ever consider that? Maybe walking away isn't just some manipulative ploy to get you act different, but a way to save herself from an unhappy situation. Newsflash: Not all women are manipulative psycho bitches who do things like that. From the lyrics, we can gather that he was starting fights and breaking promises. And she totally doesn't have to deal with that nonsense. If she's going to take you back, Tay, there needs to be some serious change. And not superficial changes, where you go back to your old habits when you think she's forgotten about everything, but a clear choice to do better going forward.
I was thinking about the lyrics in the bridge, especially the part where he's "tired of running from [his] feelings," which sounds to me like he was trying to create distance because the amount of love he felt for her scared him. This is a classic symptom for people who fear abandonment - they push away people who they really care about because that means they have something to lose. Something they realize would be really painful to lose, so they'd rather do the damage themselves and end it to save themselves from the agony. They also have trouble trusting that someone could genuinely love them without expecting something in return. It's complicated. However, it reminds me of a girl I know who has encountered this situation multiple times. I will preface this with one thing you should know about the girl - she is the kindest, most loving person I know. However, she broke it off with her boyfriend of 10 years, which came as a surprise to everyone because we all thought they'd be together forever. When I talked to her about it, she told me that she didn't want to be with someone who didn't know how they felt about her, that was too afraid to love her. You may wonder why it took her 10 years to come to this conclusion but, sometimes, it takes people a while to learn their lessons. Especially when they're really hoping things will work out in the end. In her next relationship, she didn't wait near this long - she was starting to see signs of the same situation, acknowledged that it wasn't what she wanted, and walked away. She still holds space for them, of course - she did/does love them. But she also loves herself and part of loving yourself is choosing people who aren't afraid of loving you - who don't want to keep a distance between you, who don't push you away, who can be honest about their own feelings. It doesn't mean you can't love those people, it just means that you shouldn't put your life on hold for someone who may never be able to meet you on that level.
Those are just some of the deep thoughts that were keeping me occupied during my 8 hour layover yesterday. I was also pondering the difference between treating people as temporary versus treating people as if you wanted them to be permanent. I'm still kind of mulling it over, because my train of thought was very philosophical and I thought I was getting to something genuine at the heart of human interactions. I'm still working it out and hopefully, I'll have a place to share my thoughts next month. Yes, I already have a theme picked out for next month and I'm SUPER EXCITED about it! But we got to finish out this month first, so stay tuned :) and thanks for reading.
I'm feeling a bit nostalgic, so I'm bringing back M2M. M2M was a pop duo from Norway and "Mirror Mirror" was big in 2000. Well, it felt like it was a big hit but I watched a lot of Disney channel, back when they were first starting to realize that marketing to pre-teens and teenagers could be lucrative. They also went on tour with Hanson that year and it was rumored that Marion Raven was dating Zac Hanson. Needless to say, I was super jealous (even though I was only 12 and had absolutely no chance of ever dating Zac Hanson). Seriously, the things I remember from my childhood. You don't have to tell me I'm a dork....I already know....
Mirrors have a lot of symbolism in literature, especially fairy tales. Most often, Mirrors unveil uncomfortable truths. For example, in "Snow White," the Magic Mirror reveals to the Evil Queen that she is not the fairest in the land, for her stepdaughter gets more beautiful every day and will soon surpass even the Queen's beauty. Mirrors can also function as a reflection of subconscious desires, as seen in Goethe's "Faust." While mirrors can denote wisdom and self-knowledge, they can also symbolize vanity and warn of the perils of too much self-regard. We see this in the myth of Narcissus, when he falls in love with the reflection of himself and drowns. But in fairy tales, mirrors - and magic mirrors especially - don't always reflect the truth. In "The Snow Queen" by Hans Christian Andersen, which is what "Frozen" is loosely based on, the mirror distorts everything that is reflected in it. Something that is beautiful will be shown as ugly and vice versa. In the story, the mirror shatters and pieces of it get into Kai's eyes and heart, and he turns bitter and cruel because the only thing he can see is lies and ugliness. Ultimately, Kai is returned to his former self when his True Love, Gerda, weeps over him, which burns away the splinters from the magic mirror.
Obviously, the song "Mirror Mirror" is drawing from the story of "Snow White." So here we go....another reason why I identify with Snow White is because I often thought of my mom as the Evil Queen. She used to spend over an hour getting ready, putting on a full face of makeup before leaving the house. And then, she would criticize me and my sisters for not being beautiful enough, as if it was a reflection on her. I often felt like I took the brunt of the criticism because I look the most like her, and I guess she didn't like what she saw. In all honesty, it fucked up my self-esteem something awful. Most of my adult life, I've tried to avoid the level of vanity that my mom embraced. I don't wear much make-up, I don't spend a lot on expensive beauty treatments...I just generally don't spend much time or money on myself, because I feel like it's selfish. I'm trying to get out of that mindset, because it's not. I do a million selfless things a day (or so it feels), so it won't kill anyone if I get a facial or a massage. Even so, I've gotten to a place where I like what I see in the mirror. I'm not perfect, but my reflection is someone I respect. Unlike poor M2M....
Why don't I like the girl I see
The one who's standing right in front of me
Why don't I think before I speak
I should have listened to that voice inside me
I must be stupid must be crazy must be out of my mind
To say the kind of things I said last night
It sounds like M2M (I'm just going to refer to them as a single entity, because it's easier) fucked up big time. She started a big fight with her boyfriend and he's not coming back. Inevitably, regret settles in and she's praying to the mirror to change what she's done, because she's disappointed in herself. Honestly, she says all she should've done is say "I'm sorry" and I don't understand why she can't pick up the phone to apologize now. She's moping instead of taking the appropriate action and, to be honest, I'm not sure I feel sorry for her. I always apologize when I'm wrong. Heck, I'll even apologize when I was right but said mean things. Because stubbornness and pride are probably the worst things for a relationship. Anyway, Marion Raven does look quite lovely in the video - very much like how I'd picture Snow White. Almost as lovely as Lily Collins in the film "Mirror, Mirror" but not quite. Even though the movie kind of sucked, Collins looked gorgeous in like every frame. Just another person I wished I looked like....
Now that I'm a college graduate, I find that it's not all it's cracked up to be. I miss the days when I was simply a college student -- when going out to a show or hanging out in a garage/cramped storage room to listen to a friend's band was a weekly occurance in my life. This is the state of mind I was in when, on my way back from taking the FSOT, I heard 92.9 The Mountain advertising their Studio C5 release party, starring Hanson and realized that I wanted to go -- desperately and with no concern for cost. Not that the cost was bad --$10 is pretty good to see an internationally known band -- I'm just cheapass who clings to my buffer like Gollum clings to The One Ring. You heard right my friends. In my youth, I was a major Hanson fangirl--a Fanson if you will. And, to my surprise, I still am. Read about my adventure after the jump.
