You thought you were going to get out of T-Swift this month, didn't you? Haha...nope. It's her fucking birthday and as someone who also places a lot of importance (probably too much) on her birthday, I feel like I would be doing her a disservice if I didn't play it up sorta big. She is the Billboard Artist of the Decade, after all. True Story. The ceremony was yesterday, the day before her 30th birthday. That's a big fucking deal, considering that almost exactly 10 years ago, Kanye West jumped onstage and ruined her acceptance speech for Best Female Video at the VMAs. I think that was a turning point for her, because - the thing is - he would not have even dared to do that with any of the other nominees. P!nk fucking chewed his ass out afterward. Beyonce was a real lady and gave up her acceptance speech for Video of the Year so Taylor could finish hers. The rest of the nominees were of equal caliber, all brilliant female artists in their own right. But, when they're drunk (on alcohol or power), bullies go after people they think are weak. And I think she got tired of people thinking she was this sweet little girl they could walk all over with no consequences. As a result, she went on the defensive and became really aggressive in shaping her image. She never hid the fact that it was intentional - she wanted to change her reputation. And Swift got criticized for being too mean and ruthless. The "sweet, quiet girl" turned into a "fucking bitch" real quick after she started sticking up for herself. That's pretty typical.
I would be complex
I would be cool
They'd say I played the field before
I found someone to commit to
And that would be okay
For me to do
Every conquest I had made
Would make me more of a boss to you
I'd be a fearless leader
I'd be an alpha type
When everyone believes ya
What's that like?
This is my favorite song off her new album. I've decided it's my anthem for 2020, because I find it almost unbearably true. American culture has a bias towards masculine traits, especially in professional settings. In my experience, active traits such as aggressiveness, overconfidence, and posturing seems more highly valued than more passive skills like communication, planning, and negotiation/compromise, even when those same traits can be detrimental to reaching a goal. Even more common, those traits are also usually incorrectly conflated with leadership skills - then we wonder how we end up with leaders who are all talk but get nothing done, while we ignore the people making a real difference. The scales have been balancing out in recent years. Maybe not as quickly as preferred but, in general, emotional and social intelligence has gained importance.
I believe in the concept of non-duality - that we are comprised of opposites into a single whole and in order to fulfill our purpose, we have to embrace our inner contradictions. Everyone has masculine and feminine energy within them, but how we choose to express those aspects of ourselves has a myriad of faces. This can be difficult for some people to understand because they're used to dualistic thinking. Most people are subconsciously programmed with a bias just by growing up in a polarized culture. Even within feminist circles, there is so much internalized misogyny, it's not even funny. Our cultural depiction of a "strong woman" is outspoken, aggressive, doesn't dress sexy (and sometimes she doesn't even dress feminine), and leads people into battle. Not saying strong women aren't like this - some definitely are. But we've also created a false dichotomy where the antithesis of the "strong female character" are characters who society deems as going too far into the feminine spectrum. When you really look at cultural depictions, you start to notice all the subtle hints about what the People in Charge (PIC) want you to believe. For example, I love "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days." But a lot of the hilarity in that movie is generated because Andi is the stereotypical "cool girl" - i.e., the Perfect Woman, who is thin despite eating a steady diet of pizza and beer, loves sports, and looks beautiful without being high-maintenance - pretending to be a crazy girlfriend, who happens to be really girly. But at the end of the movie, she gets stopped from pursuing her dream of being a real journalist when Prince Charming (Matthew McConaughey) finally realizes he loves her. Really, Hollywood?! Is that really what a Strong Woman would do? I strongly believe that, if she is staying true to her heart, she'll find a way to make it work - she can have Prince Charming and pursue her dreams. In fact, if he really was Prince Charming, he'd be right beside her making her dreams happen and vice versa. It doesn't have to be a zero sum game.
To be a real gender nonconformist is to make your own choices in life, to be who you are even if it doesn't fit nicely in a box, even when the judgement is harsh and difficult to hear. It's not for the faint of heart. And maybe it's because I've been feeling this pressure more than usual - on top of being the primary breadwinner, I have to be the perfect mom and housewife, while trying to work on my own dreams in the wee hours of the morning - but I'm getting fed up with the current state of affairs. I've taken on all the gender roles which, ironically, makes me both not feminine or masculine enough to fit in anywhere. I don't like to be mean or overly aggressive with people (and I'm "too young"), so apparently I'm not cut out for a leadership role. But I'm too opinionated and intelligent to blindly follow whatever authority figure I'm stuck with. What's a girl to do?
I'm so done with this nonsense. I just want to make my own rules. Like Taylor did.
I'm back on my bullshit. As such, I've chosen one of my favorite songs to sing and dance to, especially when I'm in the kitchen doing various house-wifing duties (cooking, baking, experimenting, calling in the dark forces to do my bidding, et cetera). I have my reasons for loving this song - 1) I love Trainor's retro/big band style and 2) this song really annoys the Husband. That being said, he has some legit reasons for not liking it. Even though this song is catchy as hell, it speaks to the unhealthy mindset that society has pre-programmed into young girls. Even with its subliminal "girl power" message, it's the kind of "girl power" that subtly says, "a real man would do these things - if he doesn't, he ain't worth shit." For those who are paying attention, feminism and female empowerment isn't about that. Or, at least, it didn't used to be. Let's analyze, shall we.
The concept of the song (as if you couldn't tell from the title) is Meghan is telling her future husband all of the things he has to do to keep her happy as a wife. Paradoxically, most of these "requirements" are super shallow. She doesn't mention things like intellectual stimulation or sexual compatibility or being a good person. The irony is the song makes it out to seem like she has high standards but, in truth, all of the things she mentions are actually pretty easy to achieve. You can find a guy who does all of these things who still turns out to be an asshole. A lot of the lyrics refer to buying her things and taking her out on dates - it doesn't say whether those dates are full of thought-provoking conversation or if he remembers what her favorite flower is when he buys them on their anniversary. The icing on the cake for the first verse, though, is when she asserts that she'll be the perfect wife....and then equates the perfect wife with buying groceries. It's a rather gendered look at what should be a multi-faceted role. And I think that's why many women become unsatisfied in marriage - they are trying to fit a caricature of what they've been told a wife should be, which is largely based on pop culture and their own mother (or other feminine figures in their life). This may or may not be a good recipe.
Moving on to the next verse, which is even more problematic. After every fight/Just apologize....Even if I was wrong/You know I'm never wrong/Why disagree. Hooooo boy! Let's unpack that, shall we? This does not describe healthy conflict within a relationship. At all. As someone who tends to always apologize and try to make amends first, this pattern gets really fucking tiring after a while. First, it begins to feel like you're the only one who is making any effort to compromise. Second, you begin to wonder if the arguments are even necessary in the first place or if the other person is just playing control games. Finally, this dynamic gets boring really quick and you start to question how much effort you should be putting into the relationship. People wear their inability to apologize or hold grudges like a badge of honor, as if it demonstrates their strength of will. As if being obstinate and lacking empathy is something to be proud of. However, the simple truth is if you cannot bring yourself to say the words "I'm sorry" and/or are unwilling to be the first to apologize, you are too emotionally immature to be in a relationship. If you cannot admit when you were wrong, you are not self-aware enough to see the hurt your behavior has caused another. Why would you subject another person to that level of bullshit? What ends up happening is your spouse becomes disempowered and will not voice their opinions, feelings, and needs to avoid conflict because they know they always come out on the losing side. At best, a degree of intimacy is lost and, at worst, the relationship has now entered the realm of being abusive.
And know we'll never see your family more than mine. This lyric has always bothered me because I'm a family-oriented person. I often find myself encouraging my husband to reach out to his family and it's important to me that my son knows both sides of his family. Maybe this might be a personal trigger, because my mom and my maternal grandma always made it seem like it was a competition for our time as kids. It's not - as far as I'm concerned, once you're in my family, I treat you like family - in-laws included. It's not a competition....but it may be a matter of distance or money.
I'll be sleeping on the left side of the bed (hey)
Open doors for me and you might get some kisses
Don't have a dirty mind
Just be a classy guy
Buy me a ring
Buy-buy me a ring, babe
I included the bridge because it's my favorite part. She very narrowly misses a naughty rhyme, which is disappointing. And who says a classy guy can't have a dirty mind? I would prefer both - classy with a dirty mind....and the social intelligence to know when it's appropriate to mix the two.
I've been rambling a lot but I haven't quite gotten to the video yet. Mostly because the video annoys me. She goes out with various guys, each proving how "unfit" they are for the job. But all of them are fairly attractive and try their best to impress her. The first one is a motherfucking chef and he gets kicked to the curb because his portions are too small and she doesn't like scallops (so clearly no fancy restaurants for Meghan). The second guy is axed because he's not strong enough to win a prize for her at the country fair - again, another unfortunate masculine trope. The third guy is thrown overboard (literally) because he tries to get her to participate in rowing a boat on their date. How dare he?!
***SIDE TANGENT: Marriage is, first and foremost, a partnership. In other words, you're a team. I think the quickest way to figure out if you can make it last is if you can complete a project together without killing each other. Even something small will do - building an IKEA dresser or making a three-course-meal for a dinner party. In the ideal scenario, both people play an equal part in producing the final outcome and conflicts are resolved quickly and without dirty tactics (e.g., raised voices or name-calling). No questioning the other person's intelligence or incompetence either - that speaks of other underlying issues. The team challenges on Masterchef are always nerve-racking to watch but the thing to understand is the dynamic you think is going to fail - two confident, opinionated people - is usually the most successful. The teams with two quiet, insecure people or one domineering person with one subservient person usually fail. It's because two confident people aren't afraid to communicate with each other and roles/responsibilities are usually hashed out quickly, with very little conflict. With one domineering person and one subservient person, the domineering person assumes from the get-go that they'll have to do everything, doesn't trust the other person to fulfill their responsibilities and treats them accordingly. Because they're being treated as incompetent from the get-go, the subservient person usually gets flustered and ends up acting in exactly the way the domineering person assumed they would. With two quiet, insecure people, they're too polite to tell the other person they're doing something wrong because they don't want to cause conflict (they see conflict as "bad"). To the outside world, it may look like their partnership is harmonious but the end result doesn't work because they were too insecure to work out the obvious problems. In a partnership, both people need to be good leaders AND good followers - and know what role they're fulfilling and when. Whew! That side tangent took longer than I expected. What can I say? I love group dynamics!***
Back to the video - so Meghan has these three excellent suitors knocking at her door and each one has some horrendous flaw that disqualifies them. The entire time, she's looking through some app at all the other guys she could be dating. And then Mr. Right shows up - and this is the part that is so utterly disappointing. The guy at the end is the most average looking bro I have ever seen. He might as well be named Chad. Even the barbershop quartet guys are hotter by comparison. And he brings a pizza. It doesn't even look like good pizza - it looks like motherfucking Papa John's. Which just goes to show there's no accounting for taste. Or maybe she understands that the song is perpetuating toxic social norms and subverted them by choosing the guy that seems the most likely to not conform to her requirements. Maybe? Nah.
