"The World I Know" by Collective Soul

As you may be aware (and I hope you are), today is Election Day in the United States. Today may well prove to be the most important election in our lifetime. I have a sinking worry that it might be the last truly free and fair election for the United States, too. This is not just doom-saying, my concerns are based on observation. I try not to watch the news, because it's bad for my mental health (I say that as a recovering political junkie), but I do try to watch the highlights in order to keep informed. After watching snippets of the January 6th testimony that has occurred so far, I worry that people don't understand how close we came to losing democracy that day. How close we are to losing democracy pending the results of today's election. A quote from "Star Wars" comes to mind: "So this is how liberty dies...with thundering applause."

Living in a "battleground" state - Arizona - I get a front row seat to the civil conflict brewing here in America. If you haven't noticed, Arizona has been the star of this election cycle, and not just for its role in upholding democracy on January 6th after the ridiculous fraudit nonsense. Our ballot is filled with a cast of characters you can only find in Arizona. We have Kari Lake, a former news broadcaster who, with her crazy eyes, tells everyone that the 2020 election was rigged and spouts off conservative talking points, which MAGA Republicans eat up, despite her liberal past (very similar to Donald Trump). I honestly hope she's lying, because the prospective of her serving as Governor with those views is genuinely terrifying. Then we have Blake Masters, a finance bro hand-picked by one of the richest people in America, who uses his family to mask his incel-level creepiness. And then there's Mark Finchem, an anti-government extremist who has used his platform to spread anti-Semitic sentiment. He's arguably the most dangerous candidate because, if he wins Secretary of State, he will have control over the outcome of future Arizona elections. It's not that there wasn't good, honorable Republican candidates running this year - there was. But these are the candidates who won the primaries. And I think that says something about who we are.

Has our conscience shown?

Has the sweet breeze blown?

Has all the kindness gone?

Hope still lingers on

I drink myself of new found pity

Sitting alone in New York City

And I don't know why

I don't particularly like the term "battleground state", mostly because there are some people who are taking that phrase a little bit too seriously. If you've been watching the news, you may have heard about "poll watchers" in Maricopa county. Masked individuals sitting in the bed of their pickups with an AK-47 (or some other gun/guns), watching everyone who goes to drop off their mail-in ballots. And almost everyone in the state has a fucking mail-in ballot. These men are cowards. Seriously?! Are you going to shoot a little old lady in front of a polling center? It's voter intimidation...and it's only being done by one-side - the authoritarian side. Full disclosure: I wouldn't kill anyone for Mark Kelly. But I also don't think he would ask me to, which should be a credit to him. Unfortunately, I think we've conflated strength with violence for so long, I'm not sure people can tell the difference. And the saddest thing about this election is I'm kind of worried what will happen if the Republicans don't win. When people believe a free and fair election is a "Heads I Win - Tails You Lose" game, any outcome outside of that could unleash a wave of chaos.

There is a strong current of dehumanization in Republican ads this cycle and there's an instinct to fight fire with fire. I'm trying not to do that, not even in my head, because I know that my day-to-day concerns aren't too different from a Republican woman. I'm worried about how much it costs to buy groceries each week, because it seems to still be going up in spite of the Fed's "measures." I'm worried whether my child is safe at school, because every other week there's a news story about a pedophile teacher or a school shooting. I'm worried they're not getting a good education that prepares them for life. I'm concerned about the recent spate of women killing their babies or neglecting them to death, which makes me weary of forced motherhood (not all women should be mothers). And I have this sinking feeling that - for all this talk of self-care and resolving ancestral trauma - we're just perpetuating a cycle of suffering that the younger generations will have to untangle. If there are younger generations, of course, because the planet may well be unlivable in 50 years. There's enough fear and problems in the world, I'd actually just like to see one implementable solution. 

Are we listening

To hymns of offering?

Have we eyes to see

That love is gathering?

All the words that I've been reading

Have now started the act of bleeding

Into one, into one

I was listening to Jessica Dore's November offering last week and the following sentence stuck out to me: Your silence will not protect you. And, yes, she was talking about sharing her opinions and beliefs, both political and not. A lot of creators on social media try to stay in this neutral place, where they don't offend anyone and, thus, don't lose followers. In the past year, Dore's lost a lot of followers, in part because she has chosen to be more outspoken (with such an eventful year, how can you not be?). She is trying to frame it to focus not on who she is losing, but who she is aligning with. This is part of embracing authenticity and honoring your truth. Not everyone can (or will want to) accompany you on your journey.

So I walk up on high

And I step to the edge

To see my world below

And I laugh at myself

While the tears roll down

'Cause it's the world I know

Oh it's the world I know

Let's talk a little bit about today's astrology. There's a total lunar eclipse in Taurus, conjunct Uranus and opposite Mercury and Venus. In addition to that, there's a Mercury Cazimi occurring today and, it goes without saying, but both Mercury and the Sun will be going through their oppositions to Uranus. Finally, the eclipse is activating the Saturn-Uranus square that we were experiencing throughout 2021. Although it's loosening, it's still within a three degree orb. Luckily, it's the last time that aspect will be activated, as Saturn will be entering Pisces in 2023, so the dust will settle once the aspect clears. As you can see, very chaotic energy. Not really a great day for an election in any country, but especially the United States. We're still in our Pluto Return, we have a Mars Retrograde in Gemini (we have natal Mars in Gemini), and everything happening now is setting the stage for our Uranus Return (we have natal Uranus in Gemini) that will kick off in unofficially 2025. This astrology portends a lot of power struggles, especially against authorities, a lot of fighting and arguing with Mars in the mix, and revolutionary ideas. I've been hearing about this eclipse for months on various astrology podcasts - Beware, Beware, the 8th of November! Well, it's here. What matters most is how you handle the energy. Maintain your calm and stability, like a Taurus. I haven't been handling it that well but we're almost done with eclipse season. And it's not all bad - someone may have woken up nearly $2 billion richer. It might've been you. It might've even been me. 

I chose "The World I Know" because it seemed fitting for a day like today. It's hard watching what's happening to the country and it's easy to feel powerless. In fact, that's what the video features - a man going about his day in New York City (the video is in blue tones, so you know he's sad), being confronted with homelessness, poverty, and despair throughout his commute. At some point, he decides the best solution would be to jump from the top of a building. But I guess he has a realization when a bird lands on his arm and instead of committing suicide, he tosses his money on the people below. This is obviously when people carried around massive quantities of cash, even in New York. I know....super crazy times. That being said, most people don't usually kill themselves over the news, but it can be a trigger. I can easily understand how someone who is going through something on a personal level might read something that triggers an emotional response that leads to them ending their life. And I'd be lying if I said there wasn't some of that energy floating around today, too. Take care of yourself. And if you're able to, go vote.

"The World I Know" Video

"Desire" by Meg Myers

I've been obsessed with this song since about August. I discovered it when I was browsing Jordan Kensley's Instagram (Jordan is a pole dancer who I took a floor work workshop with in September....she's super nice and an amazing dancer). Honestly, trying to understand why I love it so much has been a mind fuck. Obviously, I connect with it on some level. It describes something I feel frequently. Beyond that, it's part of myself I (and definitely many others) have sublimated for a long time. Sure, it's an Unskippable, but what makes it an Unskippable is the whole point of this blog, right? The rawness of emotion - an emotion many people feel intense shame for - is palpable. 

"Lilith" by John Collier

I spend a little bit of every day studying and trying to understand esoteric concepts. Astrology, mos def, but others as well - ghosts/spirits, alchemy (the spiritual kind), divinity, demonology, manifestation, etc, etc. I thought for Scorpio season (especially since it's also Eclipse season) I would dive into sacred sexuality and tantra (again). Specifically, I've been ruminating on this idea of Desire as Direction. And that doesn't just mean sexual desire but whatever kind of desire it is, it's a dangerous idea to society as it stands today. Not only that but it's a scary idea. I'm not sure the average person has much experience with admitting what they desire with their whole chest. It's vulnerable, it's risky, because one of the outcomes is not getting what you want. I mean, that is the outcome if you don't take ownership of what you desire anyway, but it's easier somehow - you can make excuses. Oh, I never said anything. Oh, I knew I'd get turned down anyway (no, you didn't). And a lot of the time, our desires are painted as silly, childish fantasies anyway, so why are you so hung up about it?

Baby, wanna touch you

I wanna breathe into your well

See, I gotta to hunt you

I gotta bring you to my hell

Baby, I wanna fuck you,

I wanna feel you in my bones

Boy, I'm gonna love you

I'm gonna tear into your soul

Of course, there's the even scarier implication for the reverse, because if Desire is Direction, then Lack of Desire is a sign you're on the wrong path. If that's the case, you might need to let go of things that are really comfortable. A career, relationships, hobbies, personality traits, habits, clothes...all sorts of things you've been holding on to. There's this manifestation exercises where you imagine who you would be if you had everything you wanted - dream career, dream partner, dream wardrobe, dream life - what does that look like? For some people, that's so different then how their lives look today that it's overwhelming and discouraging. To get from point A to point B requires so much change on their part that they'd rather not bother. Perhaps it goes without saying, but Scorpio falls in my 6th House - the House of Habit, Health, and Routine. Larger transformation requires discipline in the mundane. And if you don't desire something to change, it never will. Desire is Direction. If you aren't pursuing something with intensity, why are you even doing it?

"Desire" is about wanting someone so much, it's all consuming. The lyrics may seem kind of violent to some but then those are probably the sort of people who have never desired someone so much, they weren't sure if they wanted to fuck the person or kill them. Yes, I imagine this would make for some rather rough, predator/prey type sex. The wording of the chorus is notable. "Do you want me?" is a very different question from "How do you want me?" She knows whoever she's singing to wants her back and he/she can have her. Any way they want. So what are they waiting for? Because the waiting is just pissing her off. The chorus sounds like a frustrated demand, and it is. I'm choosing when (now) and where (here), you get to choose the how. The music is intense and dark, highlighting the gravity of her desire, the vulnerability of what she's asking for. I'm just not sure Desire is something the average woman feels free enough to embody, which makes this song subversive. Do you ever notice that? How male artists can sing about sex all day but when a female artists say the words "I want to fuck you" in their lyrics, it's somehow dirtier and more raw? 

Desire, I'm hungry

I hope you feed me

How do you want me, how do you want me?

How do you want me, how do you want me?

How do you want me, how do you want me?

How do you want me, how do you want me?

The landscape today is more open to differences in sexual expression. It seems, to me, every other girl is coming out as asexual or demisexual (only becomes interested in sex when they have an emotional connection), but it's still a difficult world for women who are decidedly sexual and open about it. There's still so much stigma around polyamory, kink, one-night stands, tantra, and out of the whole LGBTQIA rainbow, bisexuals/pansexuals are still told they're sexuality isn't legitimate (by both sides of the homo-hetero spectrum). Women are told to "respect themselves" but for some, that still means withholding sex, even within the confines of a (monogamous) committed relationship. We're told to treat ourselves like a Queen but I've never identified with that archetype. Queens don't dance, Queens don't sing, they don't take lovers who are their equals, and they make some rules but ultimately, they uphold the rules of society. It's an archetype about control and image, of wealth and power. I've always valued individuality and authenticity, wildness and freedom. I am uncontrollable to everyone except myself, and I like it that way. As such, I've always found myself drawn to the archetypes of the Temptress, the Succubus, the Siren, and (in their higher forms) the Sacred Courtesan. As you can imagine, a different kind of goddess invokes those themes.

Honey, I wanna break you

I wanna throw you to the hounds,

Yeah I gotta hurt you

I gotta hear from your mouth

Boy, I wanna taste you

I wanna skin you with my tongue

I'm gonna kill you,

I'm gonna lay you in the ground

When I finally dropped the pretense of Catholicism and decided that - yes, indeed - the path of witchcraft and paganism was for me, Lilith was the first goddess who called to me. And while in more recent years, others have called - Persephone, Brigid, Hekate - Lilith is still a vital part of my practice. I love her darkness, her wildness, her dedication to living her truth, even if it defies the rules. Whereas Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil out of ignorance, Lilith ate from it knowing the consequences. And she walked out of the Garden, naked, head held high, confident that she would be able to continue on her own. Underlying all the overarching messages of freedom, empowerment, and equality, lies the beating heart of Lilith's story: rejection. And not her rejection of Adam, but of his rejection of her. God gave him his equal, in every way, and he rejected Lilith for a partner who was weaker, less wild, less free-spirited, less attuned to her own bodily autonomy. One who was and would be dependent on him. Ultimately, one who wouldn't (and couldn't) challenge his authority as master of all that lived in the Garden of Eden. In short, he chose power over love. The only thing Lilith asked for was partnership, and that was too much. The lesson here is if you can't have equal partnership - if you can't find someone who is willing to hold space for all of you - choose freedom.

I wanna feel you, I want it all

I wanna feel you, I want it all

The video is fitting for Spooky Season. In fact, it's inspired by numerous horror films. Meg Myers plays the role of our fearless Final Girl, confronting the entity that's been haunting her dilapidated house. Water is everywhere, all the classic 70s furniture is lighted with that sickly yellow tinge, spooky handprints show up on the mirror, creepy cartoons on the old-fashioned CRT. Then it takes an unexpected turn. A phantom picks her up like a lover and throws her on the pullout couch/bed. I think you know what happens next - ghost sex. This is apparently a real phenomenon, and you can find numerous reports of *ahem* spectral encounters through various ghost hunting sites and books. I love this video but I can't help but imagine how awkward it was to film it. There was definitely a buff stunt man decked out in that green bodysuit spinning her around and "positioning" her. And can we also talk about how understated and sexy a plain camisole and panties is? That's probably why it's the official uniform of every teenaged girl who dies while having sex in slasher flicks. The performance Meg gives in the video is absolutely emblematic of the vibe, though - innocent, maybe a bit ashamed of how she feels, but she still knows what she wants.

"Desire" Music Video

This eclipse season is already driving me crazy....and I'm letting it. My eye has been twitching a bit, I think it's just exhaustion because I haven't been getting good sleep. I'm listening to Steven Sanchez songs on repeat. Starting to write more, even though I'm in sort of a cocoon stage in my life. Mostly, I just feel really destructive and full of bad ideas. The partial solar eclipse in Scorpio occurred this morning, October 25th, at approximately 3:38am (AZ time).  Both this eclipse, and the total lunar eclipse in Taurus on November 8th, is making a lot of aspects within my chart. Most of them are good - the eclipse with be trine my Venus in Cancer (trine is the most harmonious aspect), and the actual eclipse is loosely conjunct my Moon and Pluto in Scorpio (a mixed bag), but unfortunately, the eclipse with be square (by degree) my Mars in Cancer. Squares always come with a little trouble. And the ruler of this eclipse, Mars, is tearing up my 1st House (Gemini) and is getting ready to station retrograde for another pass. As you may have guessed, the astrology for 4Q 2022 is pretty gnarly, so have fun out there.

Double Feature: Machine Gun Kelly

Last Thursday, I was feeling kind of low on the drive into work. I could hardly focus on the Nightlight Astrology podcast I was listening to. Personal troubles were on my mind. I could hear Acuyta Bhava-Das talking about Mars conjunct Mercury in Pisces, relating it to this idea of not forcing things. When my heart is sunken like this, it is my habit of turning to the Universe for guidance. And, yes, much like the crazy person I am, I asked the Universe what I needed to know and what I needed to do. At this point, Acuyta is explaining about moving forward with grace and how, when we feel strongly about something, when we believe in something with our whole heart, some people may lose sight of the need for grace and compassion in favor of convincing others of their position. I'm no stranger to this - with my Mercury in Cancer opposite Neptune in Capricorn, my talent with words can often be combined with an almost preternatural gift of pinpointing another's weakness and fears. Mostly to hide how easily they could destroy me, if they wanted. My bark is worse than my bite, and I don't bark often anymore. And I feel defenseless. We'll circle back around to that idea but, first, my conversation with the mysterious sky spirits who live in my car. Specifically the radio, because many of my messages come in the form of music. And when I disconnected my phone, the song on the radio was Rihanna's "Love on the Brain."

You may notice this post is not about Rihanna. Don't get me wrong - her original version of "Love on the Brain" is a masterpiece and beautiful in its own right. But this is one of those rare occasions where I love the cover more. In fact, I love the cover so much that I wish he had done an actual recording of the whole song, not just a snippet for YouTube. During COVID lockdowns, to keep busy, MGK would call up his various celebrity/musician friends and ask them for a song request for him to cover. "Love on the Brain," inexplicably, was Marilyn Manson's suggestion. And the world is better for it.

There are few songs that express the pain of loving someone as exquisitely as "Love on the Brain." The best part of the song is that it is raw. The singer - whether it be Rihanna or MGK - is defenseless. It's important to note where each of the singers were when they either wrote or recorded this song. Rihanna was in a seriously abusive relationship with Chris Brown and in April 2020, MGK was falling in love (or was already in love) with someone who was still married (Megan Fox). In general, though, the song speaks to any type of situationship, where someone has fallen deep and the other person uses them (for sex, attention, to play a role in their life, favors, as a convenient punching bag) because they can. It's cruel. I read somewhere - probably in a pithy Instagram post - that the person who loves less has the power. I think this song is a testament to that, in some ways. Both Rihanna and MGK have strong Pisces placements and Pisces is associated with self-sacrifice and this idea that one would rather suffer if it means their loved ones would be happy. In the song, it's clear that the singer will take whatever the object of their affection is willing to give, even if it's only breadcrumbs.

And you got me like, oh

What you want from me? (What you want from me?)

And I tried to buy your pretty heart, but the price too high

Baby you got me like, oh, mm

You love when I fall apart (fall apart)

So you can put me together

And throw me against the wall

Love, if you ask the cynics, is just a complex cocktail of hormones and emotions, mostly driven by your own special psychological tragic backstory. I watched a TED talk once about a woman's experience trying to get over her ex. She went to a neuroscientist and they did scans of her brain. They showed her the parts of her brain that lit up when she thought of her ex and they said "we can get rid of this for you." But why? Why would you want to do that? Why would you want to "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" yourself? Did you even watch that movie?!!! The whole point of the movie is that, even though it's painful, that part is worth keeping. That love is worth keeping, even if it has ended, even if it tears you apart inside. Because most people don't really ever get the chance feel that deeply about anything. Maybe that's my Scorpio Moon talking.

The next song I want to talk about is the song MGK performed at the Billboard Music Awards a few weeks ago. It's a beautiful selection from his most recent album, "mainstream sellout," which was released this past March - a song aptly named, "twin flame." The whole Twin Flame thing has really grown in the past few years, especially in the spiritual community (you can't really avoid it now whereas you never heard of it before 2019). We can go into all the reasons it's problematic, chief among them is that it's a favorite lovebombing tactic of narcissists and other psychological abusers to tell someone that they're their "soulmate/twin flame" and, unconsciously, the victim/survivor accepts bad behavior out of some corrupted idea of this person being their one and only love. Nope, not going into that, because it makes me really sad and I love the romance between MGK and Megan Fox. It's beautiful and it's real and gives me faith that real love exists, so if they want to believe they're twin flames - fuck it! - they're twin flames. 

MGK wrote this song back before they truly started dating - around the same time he did the "Love on the Brain" cover I ranted about above - and you can tell he still feels this strongly (perhaps even more so) about her two years later. That's how I know it's real. They've both had a lot of time to get to know each other's authentic selves and, instead of being disappointed and let down, they seem even more in love. They don't fight - I'm sure they have disagreements but not relationship rupturing screaming matches. They both are publicly very supportive of each other's careers. Neither of them act jealous or possessive and when situations like that come up, they reaffirm their commitment to the other. MGK famously told a fan (who asked him to suck her toes) that "there's only one set of toes I'm sucking from now on." And you kind of get a taste of the depth of how much MGK loves Megan in the "twin flame" lyrics. 

Some context - Megan Fox was separated from her current husband (Brian Austin Green) when she met MGK. Now, they say their divorce was amicable - and it was, for the most part - but divorce is never pleasant. Green continually asserted that he still loved Megan and often used their children publicly to subtly manipulate her into feeling guilty for wanting a divorce. Something I'm sure MGK noticed because, when someone you love is hurting, how can you ignore it? Long story short, MGK and Megan's relationship started off as "It's Complicated." So that's what's encapsulated in the lyrics - a mix of emotions resulting from being in love with someone you can't quite be with (yet).

It's been six days since the last time

I saw your face and you asked my sign

I told you mine, I questioned why

And you said, "Everything's aligned"

On the first day, you told me

I was your twin flame from a past life

And tonight, the moon is full

So take me anywhere outside

I cannot kiss you yet, you're magic

So I'll just stare at you instead

I get insecure and panic

'Cause I know you're too pure for this

Let's talk about those lyrics, shall we? The song starts when Megan and MGK first met and it's been a few days since he's spent time with her. Megan is interested in spiritual topics (yes, she is the one that declared them to be "twin flames"), one of which being astrology. Now, I don't think she's a total student of astrology to the point where she'd take a 38-week class (like yours truly) but she probably knows enough to be dangerous. I think she probably asked for more than his sign, she probably asked him for his full birth data so she could pull up his chart. And, because he was truly head over heels, he probably hunted down his birth time so he could give it to her. So Astro-Girls, if he asks his mom what time he was born just so you can look up his moons or some shit, he's probably really into you....because most men don't do that for anyone (male astrologers are the exception, not the rule). They usually roll their eyes and act like astrology is weird or stupid. But if he's really interested, he'll want to know as much as he can just so he has a reason to talk to you, which clearly happened with MGK. 

Then there's the chorus. He clearly struggling to believe this is real, that he deserves to be in love and to have a good, healthy relationship with that person. Psychologists say that the most difficult relationship for a lot of people (especially those with traumatic or emotionally neglectful childhoods) is your first healthy one. It's counterintuitive. But a lot of people have been programmed to believe that abuse is love. And when someone shows up who loves them without abuse, they don't trust it. It seems either boring or really scary, and it brings up all sorts of triggers around self-worth. They often think they don't deserve real love, that there's something inherently unlovable and bad about themselves. Or they think it's an elaborate trick - that the other person is lying to them and pretending to love them. Eventually, they believe the other person will stop loving them - will betray them, leave them, hurt them - and they'll be alone. Again. The problem is that this sort of mindset is exactly what ends the healthy relationship. It's hard to love a brick wall, no matter how patient, kind, and loving a person is.

Clearly, MGK got his shit together and things worked out for him and Megan. And I'm here for it. I'm genuinely happy for them. I'm sharing the Billboard Music Awards performance but the album version is equally impactful. He shares a snippet from one of his and Megan's phone calls, where he's being vulnerable about how he feels and she tells him she loves him. It's sweet and very personal.

Back to reality (whoops, there goes gravity): I've been really going through it this Mercury Retrograde and Eclipse Season. It's left me feeling stupid, naïve, and drained. The shooting in Uvalde hit a little too close to home and I find myself both in deep grief and wholly enraged. And powerless, let's not forget that. I often use astrology as a meaning making system - we all need one. It helps, when I get frustrated with praying. I've been thinking about the transits to my chart lately. Saturn in going through the 9H and Uranus is wrecking up the 12H. Both Houses have connections to spirituality and deeply held beliefs. The 9H is what you believe on the surface, the 12H is the subconscious. And both are going through a major overhaul, it seems, and what I feel is an intense internal struggle. On the surface, I believe that, no matter what, you keep pushing, you keep working, and eventually, things will happen. All the power I need is within myself - this is a very Jupiter in Aries stance. I am the god of my reality. But underneath, I look around and I feel powerless to change things, even things I'm actively trying to change. It's a crisis of Faith. And I'm barely holding on sometimes but the only thing one can do to get through times like these is to put one foot in front of the other. It may not be much but the other option - standing still, staying stuck - has never appealed to me.

"Too Much" by The Spice Girls

When this post is published - because I'm scheduling this one to publish at the exact time of the New Moon just to be extra - it will mark the Sun's ingress into Cancer and a total annular solar eclipse at 0° Cancer, which just happens to be exactly on my natal Venus. Fun times. No seriously - this is my season and, as far as I'm concerned, Cancer season is the best season. I chose "Too Much" by The Spice Girls because Cancerians can get a little nostalgic and what's more nostalgic than 1997? There's also a lot of crazy astrological stuff going on in the second half of 2020. I've been listening to professional astrologers' forecast and - whoo, boy! - if you thought the first half of 2020 sucked, I've got some bad news for you. And it all kicks off with this eclipse here. I'll go into why I chose this particular Spice Girls song later on - although it is my favorite Spice Girls song, it does legit address some of the major themes the eclipse this morning highlights and questions/concerns that we'll be further underscored throughout the rest of the year. As I said, there's a lot going on just within this first month of the second half of 2020 so I'll just jump into it. Quick forewarning - while I'm writing this, I've already plugged in some skeleton notes and, needless to say, this is going to be a long post. Buckle up.

Love is blind, as far as the eye can see

Deep and meaningless, words to me

Easy lover, I need a friend

Road to nowhere, twist and turns but will this never end

Well my dear you'll know that he pleases me (eases me)

But short term solution ain't no resolution

There ain't no release for me

First, let's just address the elephant in the room - Mercury went retrograde in Cancer on Thursday. Personally - and I say this as someone who has natal Mercury Retrograde in Cancer - this is the least of our worries. It might actually be a good thing. The themes of this retrograde, especially since it partially overlaps the Venus Retrograde and joins a bunch of other planets in retrograde motion, are very heart-based. The big question we're being asked is "Am I living authentically from my heart?" What does that mean? Well, there's a lot that goes into that question but it deals mostly with living with integrity. Are we acting in accordance with our core principles? Are we being honest with ourselves and others about how we feel? Especially when it comes to patterns and relationships that seem like they're on repeat. Cancer energy tends to be nostalgic, focusing on the good things, while ignoring the bad. It tends to make people with Cancer placements very loyal to those they love. But this can often be to their detriment, especially when they're in situation where the majority of the time, they feel unappreciated and unloved. They allow the positives of the past override the reality of the present. Cancer placements also have tendency to want to be giving but have difficulty receiving and thus, may not voice their needs and boundaries. As a result, resentment can build but the other person will have no idea. Mercury Retrograde is here to give us the push we need to identify what needs aren't being met and re-evaluate if they can be met given the current situation. I've been struck by the first line in MCR's "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" - "Well, if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say." If you want honesty, you have to give it to yourself first.

Cancer has a reputation of being the sign of emotions. As a result, Cancer natives get branded as too sensitive, cry-babies, irrational, and various other things. But being in tune with our emotions can give us powerful insight to drive us forward in our lives. Emotions - yes, negative ones, too - are telling us something important about how our body is processing an experience. Anger is telling us we feel our needs, desires, and boundaries are being dishonored and disregarded by another's actions. Resentment is signaling that we are doing things to please someone else, not because we wanted to do it. That we said "yes" because we feared the potential consequences of saying "no," and by doing so, we ignored our own boundaries. Sadness and depression are often signs that we don't have ownership over our lives or we aren't on our desired life path. It's a sign we might need to make a difficult change, not just in the physical world but in our mental and emotional world as well.

The Mercury Retrograde - in conjunction with Venus in Gemini - is calling our attention to what Julia Cameron calls "crazymakers" in "The Artist's Way." What is a crazymaker? Simply put, it's a person who forcefully makes themselves the center of our attention, even when you need to prioritize yourself. Especially when you need to prioritize yourself. They have a tendency to drag us into their drama or make us feel guilty about our accomplishments, as if our success takes away from them somehow. Everything you do - good or bad - is always a reflection on them. And thus, trying to voice your needs or boundaries is an affront to them, which results in them devising ways of trying to keep you from your goals. Things that may seem innocuous at first, like demanding you something for them even though you set aside the time to work on a personal project (these are usually things that can wait until you're finished, not emergencies). In short, they are effective at making us feel like we're "crazy" or even worse, that we're a bad person if we don't immediately give in to them. The big question to ask yourself is, "how does this person make me feel?"  This question will force us to really compare whether someone is living in integrity. Do their words match their actions and do their actions match their emotions? Mercury Retrograde in Cancer is here to remind you that you're not being too sensitive. Your needs are your needs and if you make the effort to communicate what they are and someone still disregards them, that's your sign something is wrong with your relationship with this person. Inconsistency in how someone treats you should always be a red flag.

Unwrap yourself from around my finger

Hold me too tight or left to linger

Something fine built to last

Slipped up there I guess we're running out of time too fast

Yes my dear you know he soothes me (moves me)

There's no complication there's no explanation

It's just a groove in me

Let's move onto the eclipse, which I'm going to interpret from a more personal perspective, as a demonstration of how to use transits as an analytical tool. It's exactly conjunct with my natal Venus (at 0° Cancer), which also happens to fall on my Ascendant-Descendant axis. Right away, I can tell that the themes this eclipse will awaken (for me) has to do with how I approach the way I relate to others and the effect on how I view myself. Since Venus is currently in Gemini, also hopping around my Ascendant-Descendant axis, my needs in relationships (both with others and myself) are even further underscored. Hence why I chose "Too Much." This song is about a woman (or five) who is moving from relationship to relationship but not ever exactly getting what she needs. But she doesn't want to be single, so she often finds herself settling. One guy is great in bed but she doesn't enjoy hanging out with him otherwise. Another guy is inconsistent in how he treats her - first he's clingy, now he's distant. The harsh truth is she doesn't know what she wants so she doesn't really know what she's looking for when she's dating. She allows things to progress into a full relationship even when she knows something is missing. She wants the full package but she's not willing to stay single until she finds it. So what is the full package? Well, I don't think it's that hard. Amazing sex, even better conversation, dependability, and someone who can stand on their own. Cancer placements are nurturers, but there's a big difference between nurturing and mothering. Someone who mothers you does things for others because they don't think they're capable of doing it for themselves; someone who nurtures you does things for others because they want to, because taking care of a person is how they show care (Acts of Service, if you know about Love Languages). They know you can do something yourself, they just want to make life a little easier for you. Yes, I'm a big Acts of Service person, but Touch and Quality Time are tied in a close second and third. I could care less about Gifts or Words - if you're not holding me (among other things), spending time with me, or trying to help me with the zillion things I'm embroiled in, your words and gifts don't mean jack. I can buy my own shit and I talk to myself almost constantly so....that's that on that.

What part of no don't you understand (understand, understand)

I want a man, not a boy who thinks he can

Boy who thinks he can

Finally, Mars will be moving into Aries and will be hanging out there due to a retrograde until early 2021. I haven't talked about Aries much but there's a lot of things to love about this sign. It's the sign of creativity, independence, courage, and passion. It's big stand up for yourself energy. It's also big stand up for others and what you believe in energy. Mars is at home (i.e., in domicile) in Aries and when a planet is in its home sign, you can expect that the subjects of that planet to be amplified. For Mars, this means War, Anger, Sexuality, Protection/Defense, and Goals. All of the things that we've been ruminating on and reviewing during the Mercury and Venus Retrogrades - and the major shifts we experienced collectively with the Saturn-Pluto conjunction - will come to the forefront while Mars is in Aries. And we'll finally have the energy and courage to do something about it! It's also important to note that Mars will be making some harsh squares against the conjunctions in Capricorn and this tends to manifest as a shakeup to the foundations of institutions. And I mean ALL institutions. Big Government. Big Pharma. Big Finance. Big Geology. The Military-Industrial Complex. The Church. Marriage. With Uranus in Taurus, which will be the biggest influence ruling over the 2020 decade, anything with shaky foundations may crumble. On a personal note, Mars in Aries will be loosely conjunct with the asteroids Chiron, Eris, and Lilith. These have a reputation as troublemakers. Eris is the Goddess of Discord (another one of my favorites) and she brings a lot of righteous anger to the table and buried resentments may come to head during these next six months. Lilith is about the ways we feel repressed and unappreciated, especially sexually - if needs and desires aren't being acknowledged, Mars will ignite these slights in explosive ways. And finally, Chiron represents our inner wounding - in Aries, this wound manifests as feeling as if we are not allowed to be ourselves. If you haven't been living in integrity and authenticity, it's really going to get under your skin for the rest of this year - until you do something about it. Just to sum up, all the shit we've been repressing and resenting - sometimes for years, decades even - is going to come up in a big way. 

On the bright side, Mars in Aries will be activating my North Node and Jupiter in my 11th House. It's a nudge to embrace the creative, independent, courageous free-spirit I'm meant to be. That's been gradually coming out in the past few years, especially since my Saturn Return, and that pull is only going to get stronger as I approach my nodal return (which happens when we're approximately 36-38). Mars in Aries will (hopefully, theoretically) give me a push to start working and building on some of the recent revelations I've had about my life purpose and direction in life. I've been flooded with a bunch of inspirational insights so I've been trying to manage them as best I can, even with the overwhelming amount of information coming in from the outside world. If the astrology forecasts are to be believed, it's only going to get more crazy as we move forward, so now's the time to put plans in place for how to manage it. If you know you have inner work to do, it's best to do it now before it's too late. It's also a good time to start living from an authentic place. The cards I pulled from my Threads of Fate: Shadow Edition deck for June were "Speak Truth" and "Manifest." You can't do one without the other.

Thank you for reading my crazy rant on the astrology of 2020. As a reward, please enjoy this ridiculously hodge-podge Spice Girls video. Fun facts - Geri is my favorite Spice Girl and my favorite part of the song is the bridge. "I want a man, not a boy who thinks he can." It's such a simple sentence but it has so much power. It also brings up some real deep questions about masculinity and how that's interpreted in the context of (heterosexual) relationships. But that's clearly a conversation for another day.

"Too Much" Video

"The Last Song" by The All-American Rejects

This is just going to be a short and sweet song of the day, but I did want to commemorate the end of July 2019 formally. "The Last Song" is one of my son's favorites for our impromptu dance parties. I feel like it has a good vibe to end this month with. It's a reminder that goodbyes and moving on does not have to be bitter - in fact, it can be quite a happy time for the person who is moving forward. Hence the bouncy energy that runs through this song. Tyson Ritter wrote most of the songs from the All-American Rejects debut album in the aftermath of a bad break-up with his then girlfriend. Interestingly, this is the only song he says is not about her. He said it was about growing up and becoming who you were meant to be.....or some shit like that.

The hearts start breaking as the year is gone

The dream's beginning and the time rolls on

It seems so surreal, now I sing it

Somehow I knew that it would be this way

Somehow I knew that it would slowly fade

Now I am gone, just try and stop me now

We're ending what astrologer Austin Coppock dubbed the "Meat Grinder," which was the period between two eclipses on the Cancer-Capricorn nodal axis. This period also fell during Mercury Retrograde...fun stuff. But, we're ending July on some pretty spectacular astrological happenings. It's a Black Moon (or the second New Moon within a month), which apparently reaches its peak at 11:11pm Eastern Time (if you're into the numerology bit...I'm not but all the Twitter astrologers were freaking out), and it's also the last day of Mercury Retrograde. All the inner planets will be moving into the sign of Leo soon and will be hanging out there together for a few weeks, which is apparently a good thing. According to the Internet (and various professional astrologers), Leo is all about following your heart and courage, which is why it's symbol is the Lion. I'm all about that shit (Griffindor Pride! Wooo!) In other words, July 31 marks a definite ending and August 1 is a definite new beginning. If you believe in such things. On my better days, I do. My July was mentally taxing, but I don't think that's the planets fault. It's not anything's fault, it's just how things are sometimes. However, I do know August is going to be awesome, simply because I have a lot of fun, relaxing things lined up for the month. I'm ready, let's do this.

"The Last Song" Video