"Heartbeats" by The Knife (as covered by Jose Gonzalez)

I downloaded the original version of this song by Swedish electropop duo, The Knife, in a free mix from some music website about 10 years ago. Legally free music was actually quite easy to find back in the day but these mixes were always kind of a crapshoot. I, of course, wanted to like everything I found. But even I have limits (overextended and nebulous as they may be). "Heartbeats" was one of those rare gems I liked from the beginning. Catchy, upbeat but with lyrics that were surprisingly pensive. The original is also a really good running song. Electropop in general is good for cardio. "Heartbeats" has a slow tempo and steady rhythm that is excellent for cool down periods. Also, you gotta love any song that includes liberal use of the marimba. I'm pretty sure it's the law.

One night to be confused

One night to speed up truth

We had a promise made

Four hands and then away

Both under influence

We had divine sense

To know what to say

Mind is a razor blade

The Jose Gonzalez version is a bit of an indie darling and a go-to soundtrack staple for melancholic independent romances and poignant moments in dramatic television shows. Listen for something like it whenever the protagonist is missing his Manic Pixie Dream Girl, because he did or said something stupid. Bonus points if he's using the time to pursue his lost passion as the script beats a crescendo into a dramatic romantic gesture. It's easily one of those songs that has been pushed to the point of overuse in popular media, from commercials to film and TV, and most people don't even realize it. You have definitely heard this song if you've seen the following movies or TV shows:  Scrubs; Bones; The Blacklist; This is Us; Superstore; Donkey Punch; Everything, Everything; and One Tree Hill. There's probably more and there will be more. The sentiment it expresses is universal and this interpretation exemplifies the virtues of the indie acoustic genre. Gentle, honest, and folksy - just how all songs about heartbreak should be....well, when they aren't dark, cryptic, and don't have a totally necessary violin solo. You read that right. Totally necessary. Always.

And you, you knew the hands of the devil

And you, kept us awake with wolfs teeth

Sharing different heartbeats

In one night

To call for hands of above

To lean on

Wouldn't be good enough

For me, no

"Heartbeats" is about a short-lived relationship and it calls to mind a particular indie film. Screened's series "What's the point of a Doomed Romance?" did a lovely video essay on "Lost in Translation." This film goes over the few short days the two characters have to connect before they have to go their separate ways. Both Bob and Charlotte are feeling lost - literally lost and confused in the foreign country (Japan) they find themselves stuck in and metaphorically lost in life. They don't know what they want, they don't know what to do next, and they don't know how to get unstuck. They are reaching out for a lifeline when they find each other and form an emotional bond. When it ends, they both know they will need to get their shit together and make some hard decisions about the direction they want to go. For the span of the film, however, the relationship is a refuge. It relieves them from some of the pain they've been feeling. It makes them feel seen, heard, and understood, for the first time in a long time. And during that reprieve from real life, Bob and Charlotte are able to clearly understand what it is they're missing. "Heartbeats" is about a similar experience - two people jumping full force into a connection. A connection that just flows, where nothing they say to each other is stupid and the two people in it feel alive. And then the weight of uncertainty settles in. Will it go anywhere? Can it go anywhere? Or is it destined to be just this beautiful, fleeting thing? The song captures a moment so rare and magical, people only experience it once, if at all. 

COVID Update:  Feeling a little better. The scary stuff - feeling completely disconnected from my children; feeling helpless and inadequate at doing anything; irrational fears about miscarrying, having a stillbirth, or dying in childbirth; being afraid I was hurting my baby by being utterly incompetent as a mother - seems to have passed. Still struggling with a lot of guilt, especially guilt about not asking for help earlier. I wonder if things would've gone better. I have an aching feeling they would have but I have a bad habit of thinking I can handle things perfectly well on my own, even when I can feel myself drowning. Is it pride? Maybe. But it's probably more about self-preservation. A false belief that if I don't need or want anything from anyone, that makes me a good person. Essentially, as long as I martyr myself, everyone else will be okay, which means that I'll be okay. Nothing and no one can hurt me. To be honest, I think it took so long to decide to get counseling because being depressed this time didn't really feel abnormal. It just felt like what I've been dealing with my whole life and, like with most people, it took a real crisis for me to recognize I can't keep handling this by myself.

Along with normal talk therapy, I've fallen down the rabbit hole of Attachment Theory on YouTube. I learned I have a Disorganized/Fearful Avoidant attachment type, which is a mashup of all the insecure attachment types and is typical for people with abusive/neglectful/traumatic childhoods. I am Harlow's Monkey. I linked a brief video explaining that reference, because I currently have neither the energy nor the patience to explain even the basics of those experiments. The gist is people given conflicting messages about care and love - for example, getting their basic needs met but being treated coldly, without affection or even with clear abuse - grow up with equally conflicted reactions to love and intimacy. They desperately crave it and yet get scared and/or detached when they're receiving it. This leads to hot/cold behavior and a tendency to either be averse to commitment or staying in shallow, unfulfilling (and - in extreme cases - toxic or abusive) relationships for much longer than is healthy. And that's why I got a psychology degree - to psychoanalyze myself...yet I still ended up having to go to therapy. I do find it fascinating. It's interesting to connect the dots and understand how all these psychological theories fit together to create a unique psyche and how coping/defense mechanisms arose to protect it. No less fascinating is diving into the counseling methodologies that have been developed to help rebuild a person when mental crisis hits. As someone who was very into self-help books and personal development from an early age, I think learning how therapy works is equally as helpful as the therapy itself, simply because it's not affordable for everyone to get help from a professional. A lot of people only have YouTube videos to understand what they are going through and what they need to do to get better. People do what they can. I'm so lucky to have options I do.

Sharing both The Knife version and the Jose Gonzalez version, because they are so different from each other. It's always a nice surprise to find a cover of a song done in a disparate style that is able to show a new aspect of the lyrics. Enjoy!

Jose Gonzalez version

The Knife version

"Photograph" by Ed Sheeran

I've been struggling for the past couple of weeks, since the baby was born. Apparently, postpartum depression (PPD) can start while you're still pregnant, which puts everything I was feeling since last February in perspective. Things I thought I was managing well became absolutely unbearable in those first few days in the hospital (and further exacerbated by the strict COVID precautions). Then we had some trouble with my newborn losing weight and I was genuinely scared they weren't going to release us. Since then, I've just been feeling so guilty and disconnected, it's been hard to take care of myself. My doctor prescribed some medication - I'm debating whether or not I should take them. I know medication can work, but it's only one piece of the puzzle. Part of me says I should just white-knuckle through and try to manage with just therapy, because I've been through tough times before and I've never needed medication. And I know how sideways things can go when someone is prescribed the wrong psychotropic drug. I'm not sure that's a risk I want to take. I'm not convinced OB/GYNs know enough about perinatal psychiatry to go around writing prescriptions. Some days, I have good moments. Moments, mind you. Not full days yet. I just want to feel happy again. I should feel happier.

Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes

But it's the only thing that I know

When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes

It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

We keep this love in a photograph

We made these memories for ourselves

Where our eyes are never closing

Hearts are never broken

And time's forever frozen still

True to form, I've been trying to cheer myself up by watching and reading romantic stories. I'm rereading "Pride & Prejudice" for the 5th time in my life and even deigned to watch the Kiera Knightly film adaptation (which, aside from the historical costuming inaccuracies, really isn't that bad - I've watched it twice in the past few months). I've also been consumed by the book "Me Before You" and its subsequent film adaptation, for which "Photograph" was used in the trailer. From the beginning, it's a doomed romance. A woman is hired to be a companion for a quadriplegic who wants to die. His family is trying to change his mind, of course, and that's part of the reason they bring on Louisa. To convince him there are still things worth living for, even if it's not the life he wanted. Louisa falls in love with him, despite knowing he has a date with an assisted suicide clinic. There's a bit of this childish hope in Louisa, clinging to a belief that "Love conquers all." When Will ultimately chooses to go through with his plan, it's not because he doesn't love Louisa. He does. But he wants her to have a life he can't give her (which she honestly doesn't care about - she's willing to make it work). He still wants a life he'll never have again. Even though she doesn't agree with it, Lou chooses to be with him in his last moments. And I think that's what characterizes a doomed romance the most. There's a moment where the characters have a choice between the destined path and the interpreted path. They both have to choose the destined path to get a chance at the fairytale happy ending. To quote Leo in "Titanic," "if you jump, I jump." In a doomed romance, they choose opposite paths - i.e., one or both choose the interpreted path - which takes them apart. Not to be mistaken with the Tragic Romance, in which they both choose the Destined Path but are torn apart by external forces (i.e., Romeo & Juliet, Titanic, Tristan & Isolde). Will Trainor didn't have to die, he chose to die, even when presented with a happy alternative life with Louisa.

The reason Will Trainor gives for going through with his original decision is something most of us don't want to hear - Love isn't enough. Sometimes it's not enough to keep going, it's not enough to stay, it's not enough to change someone's mind, it's not enough to make people change. It's not enough to stop Death or cure illness (physical or mental) or fix past mistakes. And this hurts because, deep in our hearts, we believe something as powerful as Love should be able to do all that. The question a Doomed Romance presents us is - if you knew from the start things would end this way, would you still have fallen in love? I've been watching a YouTube series by Screened which examines the question "what is the point of a doomed romance?" through the analysis of several excellent films. The main "point" of these romances, according to Screened, is for the inner growth of the main character. The relationship and its subsequent failure(s) serves to awaken something in the protagonist. In "500 Days of Summer," Tom was idealizing his relationship with Summer to avoid the very real lack of purpose in his life. In "Lost in Translation," both characters are lacking deep connections in their lives. In "Me Before You," Louisa was playing it safe - in love and life - out of fear of being hurt again. The point is these characters get a renewed outlook on life - they come out of the doomed romance wiser, braver, and stronger than they were before. The romance becomes a vehicle for personal growth in these stories.

When I'm away, I will remember how you kissed me

Under the lamppost back on Sixth street

Hearing you whisper through the phone,

"Wait for me to come home"

None of this has anything to do with the song, of course. Ed Sheeran has two types of songs - catchy pop love songs and songs that sound like they were specifically written for people to choose as their wedding song. Even when he collaborates, he follows this basic pattern. "Photograph" fits in the latter category, as you may have guessed. I like to play it when I'm feeding the baby, when I'm not singing to him. This song, right now, makes me cry a lot. I don't know why. Probably because it's fucking Ed Sheeran. The song is about staying connected during a long-distance relationship. Or I suppose it's applicable whenever you have to be away from someone and you only have a photograph to remember them by. 

"Photograph" Video