::WARNING:: I used to have an eating disorder. I got help when I was going to school but it's always there in the back of my mind. I'm going to be talking about my experiences, which may trigger anyone who is not as advanced in their recovery as I am. Please know your limits and do what you need to do to stay on your path. ::END WARNING::
When I was starting to fall into the hole that was EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) - which is now OSFED (Other Specified Feeding or Eating Disorder) in the DSM IV - I used to browse pro-Ana and pro-Mia sites to find thin-speration - which, if you couldn't figure it out, is inspiration to be thin. Being a more auditory person, I usually looked through the playlists and ED-inspired music section on these sites. I found some great music during this time. A lot of Silverchair ("Ana's Song"), some Jill Sobule ("Lucy at the Gym" - which I would translate to French in my head sometimes - and "Supermodel") and a metric fuck ton of Fiona Apple.
I love Fiona Apple. I would go so far as to say she's one of my favorite artists - definitely up there with Florence Welch and Gerard Way. She is the soundtrack to my crazy days. True story - I had a quarter life crisis when I was 18, right when I got to college. I have one of these every couple of years - it's how my psyche keeps me on my toes and purges the madness. During that time, I chopped off my long dark hair (it turned out okay, because short hair apparently looks really good on me), started going out to party with my friends (usually at the gay club in El Paso, The OP - we saw Boy George DJ there once....he looked sick....like he'd been on cocaine, which he was at the time), and listened to "Fast as You Can" on repeat. In fact, I learned how to put out a match with my tongue because Fiona does it in the "Fast as You Can" video. Seriously, ask to see it one day - it really doesn't hurt that much. But I have a high pain tolerance and self-destructive tendencies. Enter EDNOS.
There's a lot of reasons why I developed an eating disorder. It's not all "poor little rich girl" syndrome, although I kinda feel like there was a touch of that. I think a lot of it was that I felt un-lovable and didn't deserve to be loved anyway, so I might as well waste away. I ate very little (600-800 calories a day, max) and sometimes, threw up what I did eat. I learned to love the pain of hunger and hated feeling full. When I ate too much, I would imagine I could cut out my stomach and empty it, like a bucket. It was comforting. I still imagine this sometimes - dissecting my body to get rid of the dark, disgusting parts. That's what you need to understand - it doesn't go away. Ever. It just gets easier to handle, easier to ignore.
But some things really trigger it. Right before I found out I was pregnant, I noticed I was gaining weight. And I panicked and stopped eating breakfast, which made me feel even more nauseous. I was tired all the time and didn't feel like going running, so what else could I do? When I found out I was pregnant with my son, I felt so guilty and I vowed to just eat whenever and whatever I needed to while still being healthy. But then I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and for the first two weeks, before I could take the nutrition course, the specialist put me on a very restrictive diet. Even after I told her I had struggled with an eating disorder in the past. I didn't know what I could eat and I was paralyzed. So paralyzed, I almost didn't want to eat at all. Luckily, the nutrition class taught me how to figure out what I could get away with and it got easier. Being pregnant is a special kind of Hell for those of us who are recovered/recovering from an ED - luckily, the internet is filled with supportive people who understand and have been through it before. But it's still this demon that follows me around.
I never weighed myself at home after getting treatment - only at the doctor's office. My husband put batteries in the scale recently and he's placed it on a specific tile right in front of the sink. When it was in the closet, I never thought of it. Now, every morning, I have convince myself that I don't need to see how much I weigh. That I should trust what I see in the mirror (which I actually really like now) and how my clothes fit. In the back of my mind, though, part of me wishes I could reach my lowest weight and beyond. When I looked like Skeletor.
I've never put these thoughts down before but it has helped. You know what also helps - knowing that other people have been through it, too. Like Fiona Apple and Demi Lovato. Demi actually has a song that I want to write about, maybe next week, which is where I hope I am in my recovery. No, it is where I am. Just gotta keep saying that over and over. I'm better and I'm going to stay better. For my sake.
Now, as for the song - "Paper Bag" was a common one on the pro-Ana sites because the chorus says that "hunger hurts, but starving works." Keep going! No one can kill you like you can! So fucking inspirational. That's not even what the song is about. It's about Fiona being in love with a guy who isn't strong enough to deal with her bullshit. In order to get over him, she's trying to stay away - she's "starving" herself of him. It's a personal favorite of mine, because the lyrics are just so honest and genuine. Here's the chorus:
Hunger hurts,
And I want him so bad
Oh, it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess
He don't want to clean up.
I've got to fold
'Cause these hands are too shaky to hold.
Hunger hurts,
But starving works
When it costs too much to love.
Fiona looks beautiful in the video. The cinematography is reminiscent of a 1930s musical. It's funny, I didn't even realize her backup dancers were young boys at first because Fiona Apple is so tiny. She's barely taller than me, and I'm super short. Anyway, sorry for the heavy. I'm trying to keep the self-reflective, serious stuff to Sundays. Any more is too much, I think.
"Paper Bag" Video
No comments:
Post a Comment