This is just going to be a short and sweet song of the day, but I did want to commemorate the end of July 2019 formally. "The Last Song" is one of my son's favorites for our impromptu dance parties. I feel like it has a good vibe to end this month with. It's a reminder that goodbyes and moving on does not have to be bitter - in fact, it can be quite a happy time for the person who is moving forward. Hence the bouncy energy that runs through this song. Tyson Ritter wrote most of the songs from the All-American Rejects debut album in the aftermath of a bad break-up with his then girlfriend. Interestingly, this is the only song he says is not about her. He said it was about growing up and becoming who you were meant to be.....or some shit like that.
The hearts start breaking as the year is gone
The dream's beginning and the time rolls on
It seems so surreal, now I sing it
Somehow I knew that it would be this way
Somehow I knew that it would slowly fade
Now I am gone, just try and stop me now
We're ending what astrologer Austin Coppock dubbed the "Meat Grinder," which was the period between two eclipses on the Cancer-Capricorn nodal axis. This period also fell during Mercury Retrograde...fun stuff. But, we're ending July on some pretty spectacular astrological happenings. It's a Black Moon (or the second New Moon within a month), which apparently reaches its peak at 11:11pm Eastern Time (if you're into the numerology bit...I'm not but all the Twitter astrologers were freaking out), and it's also the last day of Mercury Retrograde. All the inner planets will be moving into the sign of Leo soon and will be hanging out there together for a few weeks, which is apparently a good thing. According to the Internet (and various professional astrologers), Leo is all about following your heart and courage, which is why it's symbol is the Lion. I'm all about that shit (Griffindor Pride! Wooo!) In other words, July 31 marks a definite ending and August 1 is a definite new beginning. If you believe in such things. On my better days, I do. My July was mentally taxing, but I don't think that's the planets fault. It's not anything's fault, it's just how things are sometimes. However, I do know August is going to be awesome, simply because I have a lot of fun, relaxing things lined up for the month. I'm ready, let's do this.
I do this thing where I can remember exactly where I heard a song. Every time. It comes in handy when it gets stuck in my head 6 months to a decade after I initially heard it. That's kind of why I love Spotify - it saves the exact date that you liked a song. If I can roughly remember where I was in my life when I discovered it, I usually added it to my playlist around that time and can find it pretty quickly. I don't remember hearing this song when I was growing up, which is when it was popular. No, I remember hearing it for the first time in the background of a scene for "Bates Motel," a show I watched primarily because Freddie Highmore (who played Norman Bates) reminded me of Mr. Nice Guy. Ironically. In the scene, Norma Bates is driving around the new town they moved to - a move she makes after the death of her abusive husband. The music selection in those first couple episodes was almost too fitting.
I am still living with your ghost
Lonely and dreaming of the west coast
I don't want to be your downtime
I don't want to be your stupid game
"Santa Monica" is about choosing to move on. However, to say this song is about moving on would be an understatement. It's about moving on after you've hit rock bottom. When you stop, realize what is actually happening and decide to do something different because continuing with your existence the way it is would be unbearable. This song is about how hard choosing yourself can be when you've chosen the path of self-destruction for so long. It's a process. The temptation to look back - maybe even return to old ways - is ever present. Self-destruction can look like many things - drug/alcohol addiction, self-mutilation, habitual promiscuity, staying in a toxic relationship or a relationship where you feel unloved and unwanted. The lyrics are framed as if he's singing about leaving such a relationship - a relationship where he's clearly more invested than the other person. However, you could interpret the lyrics as trying to get away from other addictions as well. To understand how, you have to understand the mindset Art Alexakis was in when he wrote "Santa Monica."
Alexakis had a rough childhood. His father left his family. He was bullied by the kids in his neighborhood (which was not exactly what you'd call a "good" neighborhood). He spent a lot of his adolescence trying drugs and drinking. His older brother died of a heroin overdose and then his girlfriend committed suicide. After all this, he found himself on the Santa Monica Pier with his pockets filled with sand and lead, intent on jumping into the ocean to drown. He didn't succeed, of course. He said he heard his brother's voice and that motivated him to survive the attempt. It also inspired him to write "Santa Monica." Since that time, he's lived a sober life, became a Christian (but not the evangelizing kind), and has become an advocate for drug awareness, gay rights, and children's programs. Not what you'd expect of a rock star but you'd be surprised how many musicians end up on similar paths.
I am still dreaming of your face
Hungry and hollow for all the things you took away
I don't want to be your good time
I don't want to be your fall-back crutch anymore
I'll walk right out into a brand new day
Insane and rising in my own weird way
I don't want to be the bad guy
I don't want to do your sleepwalk dance anymore
I found myself ruminating on these lyrics all day, particularly when I got stuck in the supermarket after a spectacular miscalculation in my choice of check-out lines. The lyric that always catches me (and the one that caught me while watching the show) is "I don't want to be the bad guy." That particular line resonates me because I'm realizing that I've spent a lot of my life concerned about that. I don't want to be the bad guy....so I don't voice my needs or enforce my boundaries. I don't want to be the bad guy so I forgive the shitty friend who was talking behind my back. Within the context of the song, he doesn't want to be the bad guy for walking away from a person/situation, even though it was lowering his self-esteem. Because, when you do that, when you make a choice that is purely in your best interest - others will call you selfish. You don't want to hang out with your friends anymore, even though they encourage to drink and do drugs? You want to break up with someone who is only with you when it's convenient for them? You're a terrible person....
Except you're not. Not even close. How many babies have you sacrificed today? Zero?! Those are rookie numbers, you gotta pump those numbers up! Seriously, though, sometimes you have to reach rock bottom to realize that choosing yourself is the only way to get unstuck. There will be these moments in your life when you have a chance to look in the mirror and see yourself. Really see yourself, without all the delusions clouding your vision. And it takes a lot of courage and strength to admit, "I'm fucking up. I have to change something or else, I'm going to wind up dead." Or worse....expelled. Unfortunately, the most impactful changes aren't the easiest. If drinking a green smoothie every morning could fix depression and low self-esteem, that would be amazing. However, it's not. Sometimes it involves cutting contact with people you've known forever, going to rehab or therapy, quitting the job you hate, being celibate for a year, or being committed to a healthy lifestyle. And you have to be prepared for those moments of weakness, in the beginning. For example, I occasionally think about going out and getting really drunk, especially when I'm not feeling social. I usually get a wave of that when I'm the lame-o who orders a blackberry lemonade when everyone else is on their second mixed drink or beer. But I can handle that. On my worst days, I still seriously consider maybe not eating for a week, because I know it will make me less anxious. Then I remind myself that "Skeletor" isn't a good look for anyone. Those lapses happen. Once in a while, you'll get it into your head that giving in to those temptations are what's best for you and you'll have to find out the hard way that they aren't. That's okay. If/when they do happen, you just have to remember what you want and walk away from things that don't lead you there.
I've been feeling stressed out lately. For a myriad of reasons. The house is a mess. Work is unseasonably busy. My current world is chaos and there's so much to do that I find myself at that point where I'm so overwhelmed I literally don't know where to start. When stressed out, it feels like I have no brain cells at all. And worse, no creativity either. Everything I write sounds like shit to me (and, yes, this post does too, so my apologies). But, as I've said, I hear messages in music and Alanis is one of those artists who I always resonated with. "Jagged Little Pill" came out when I was 8 years old. I grew up on this shit so, please, inject it straight into my veins. Morissette was only like 20 years old when the album came out and it ended up winning Album of the Year at the Grammies, the youngest artist to win that award...until Taylor Swift won it 2010.
I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded, I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
"Hand in My Pocket" is about embracing the contradictions within yourself and your life, and just letting things be. It ain't that serious. Even when it seems like it is. It's one of the more light-hearted, humorous songs on the album, which might be why I've always liked it. Humor - or, at least, the ability to see the humor in dark situations - has always carried me through life. I've also made it a practice to accept that I have always been a bundle of opposing forces. I can't just be one thing, because I feel like I'm everything at the same time. Always. It's infuriating. Sometimes, I wish I could focus enough to be just really great at one thing, but then something else catches my attention. Always the Pathological Generalist. But I find that this also makes me really good at talking with people, because I always know at least a little bit about whatever the other person is interested in (at least enough to be dangerous) to get the conversation started. There's a positive and a negative side to everything. Some days, it's just harder to focus on the positive. That's a skill you have to take time to master, even if you're naturally good at it because, man, sometimes feeling bad feels oh so good. And it's a great excuse. But, I'm trying not to rely on excuses any more, because I know better - when you're a person who genuinely has the ability to regulate their mood well, your emotional state really does become a choice and you start realizing that - most of the time - the thing that's making you unhappy is you.
I bought an oracle deck called "Threads of Fate," which is specifically designed for doing shadow work. To be honest, I prefer oracle decks to tarot cards - I understand the mechanics and symbolism of tarot, I just don't really feel anything unless the artwork deviates greatly from the traditional symbolism (the only tarot deck I really resonate with is The Slutist Tarot, and that artwork is very obviously non-traditional). Oracle cards are different. I feel like oracle cards are more like introspective conversation starters. You're not asking the cards a question, they are asking you. The first card I pulled from the Threads of Fate deck was the Paradox card, which addressed this idea of non-duality. Some people really struggle with this idea and society has a tendency to reinforce duality. If you are successful, that means you can't be lazy. If you're highly intelligent and rational, you can't be emotional and illogical. There's a heavy emphasis on permanence, but ultimately, permanence is an illusion. Everything is temporary, everything is always in a state of flux, including your being. And yet, at your core, you are always you. These aren't competing ideas - it's just how things are. In order to embrace non-dualism, we have to embrace transformation. Embrace change. And embrace how things are in the present moment and not fight to keep things the same as how they were in the past. It sucks, because - due to the way our brains work - the past can seem deceivingly nice and warm and fuzzy. So we cling to it because we think that if we hold onto it, life will be that way again. That's just not how life works. Every moment is different. Even if it seems familiar, there's something unique in each minute and second that can never be regained. It's important to stop and recognize this from time to time. And take note of how you're feeling, too, because that will tell you everything about what direction you need to go.
I'm free but I'm focused, I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly, baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing, I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby
I hope July ends soon. Honestly, I'm ready for it to be 2020 already, because this year has been both taking forever to get through and yet going way too fast. Another one of those contradictions that makes things feel chaotic. I know it's not, though. There is a plan and a pattern, and it will make sense when it's all said and done. "I open at the close." Just gotta keep meditating and plodding along with faith in my path. And, as Alanis said...Everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine.
The trailer for the new movie about Mr. Rogers dropped yesterday. Naturally, everybody was in their feels....which was fitting, since it was the last day of Cancer season. Mr. Rogers, as a person, has always been an inspiration to me. He followed a doctrine of radical kindness. Of radical compassion. He was a man of conviction and stood by his principles, even when it was difficult and especially when the spotlight was on him. But, most importantly, was his consistent assertion that everyone is a unique individual, worthy of kindness, respect, and love. He understood that feelings are hard and complicated, and sometimes we need to help each other get through them. It's a worldview that requires what seems like an astronomical amount of courage and empathy, but it's possible. When I feel like I've fallen far short of being radically kind and compassionate, I try to remember that - not only is it possible - but I've seen it.
Radical kindness is a serious, purposeful, and aggressive effort to treat everyone with kindness, regardless of how they've treated you. This does not mean becoming a doormat - there is a place for asserting your boundaries with kindness and grace. Sometimes, that means calmly walking away from an argument when it appears the other person has no interest in de-escalating. Sometimes that means gently pointing out that another person said something hurtful and firmly asking them to refrain from saying those things. It means not ignoring bad behavior but pointing it out in a way that doesn't make the other person defensive. Mostly, to be radically kind without turning into a doormat begins with being kind to yourself. Acknowledging that you deserve to be treated with kindness, patience, and compassion, too.
Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'Cause I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothin' you confess, could make me love you less
I think the hardest struggle people have (including myself) with kindness is black and white-thinking. We have a tendency to make judgments quickly on minimal information and those judgments color our perception going forward. Being kind requires having an open mind - to entertain the possibility that others are complex organisms that cannot classified by what we perceive is "good" or "bad" about them. Being kind requires us to accept who people are in a given moment and still remember that they are worthy of being given respect. Being kind requires us to have courage because, sometimes, being kind requires us to step out of our comfort zone and give of ourselves. For example, giving someone a compliment or volunteering to help with a bake sale (even though you're not exactly good with social interactions). It requires us to get out of our heads and I'm convinced that - in order to be a truly kind and loving person - you have to give zero fucks about what others think of you. Fred Rogers clearly didn't give any fucks about what people thought about him. Quite frankly, it's none of my business what others think of me. I can't control what they think, I can only control my actions, and I choose for my actions to fall in line with my principles.
One thing that always bothered me about the Harry Potter series. In the first book, when Draco Malfoy says that Harry should be careful of making friends with the "wrong sort," Harry made it a choice between being friends with Draco or being friends with Ron. I always felt that, if Harry had decided to be friends with both of them, Draco's story could've been different. Now, would Draco have taken that compromise? I don't know. And maybe Harry needed to learn the lesson that bad behavior is often a defense mechanism for broken people. I think that's something I struggle with, too - it's easy to empathize with the underdog and the downtrodden, but how do you empathize with a bully? Well, you have to acknowledge that you don't know their personal backstory or what they're struggling with at any particular moment. You have to think back on a time where you might've behaved the same way. Then, you still have to address it - you can't let someone continue with bullying/abusive behavior, because it is not good for them or the people around them. I learned a lot about this method when learning about Borderline Personality Disorder - "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" by Jerold Kreisman and Hal Straus was probably the first psychology book I ever read and it helped me understand my mom a lot. The ACT method is fairly simple - Acknowledge that the emotion the person is feeling is real and valid, react with Compassion, but be Truthful about their behavior. I think this isn't just helpful in dealing with BPD but for interacting with humans in general and I try to keep it in mind when communicating with others.
As Mercury Retrograde slipped back into Cancer yesterday, I woke up with a song in my head. Not just any song. Honestly, just a specific voice. A voice from my past. I tried to fight it but I gave into nostalgia and watched the YouTube video it came from and, as my punishment, I was haunted by it all day. No matter how I tried to distract myself, no matter how many other songs I listened to, no matter how many people I talked to, the song came back. It carried on until a little bit ago when, during my mantra meditation, it was replaced by this song. And I let it go. Sometimes, there's a reason why the past should stay in the past - you just have to remind yourself. That's the lesson of Mercury Retrograde.
With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
But there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself
In spiritual circles, they talk a lot about surrender, which is a difficult concept to explain. Every time I think I understand - when I think I've actually felt like I've surrendered - I hit a patch of resistance that drives me to darkness. But when I get through it, there's an even deeper level to surrender to. It feels like a slow state of becoming. That's the only way I can describe it. I'm no longer interested in being someone I'm not. I'm not worried about what people think of me. I don't want to force myself to do things I don't want to do because I'm supposed to. I'm trying to listen to that tiny voice that helps me decipher what I actually want. For example, I was browsing Twitter and someone was talking about a writer's retreat that they went on recently. And I thought, "Wow. I really want to do a writer's retreat one day." "Why don't you?" the tiny voice asked. "Oh, I haven't written anything worthy of disappearing for two weeks to work on. And now isn't a good time." "Some day will be, so you better keep working."
Liz Gilbert talks about this in "Eat, Pray, Love" - about how the tiny voice will tell you that you want things that seem silly and out of character. But out of character for who? That's when you realize you get to choose the person you want to be. I want to be a person who meditates and does yoga. Done! I want to be a practicing witch. Done! I want to live more sustainably. Great! I want to read these kind of books. Well, read them! I want to be fluent in French, Italian, and Icelandic. That sounds like a lot but have at it! It's not that complicated, but we make it out to be and then we make fun of people who are actually living their lives authentically. That's not who I want to be. I also don't want to be the person who is too afraid to follow where their heart takes them because they cling to a rigid of idea of who they're supposed to be. Yes, I did just reference the previous Song du Jour in this post. I've awarded myself double points.
There's this quote from "The Alchemist" that comes to mind when I get these feelings where I want something that's seemingly impossible at the moment. "When you want something, the whole Universe conspires to help you." By help, Paulo Coelho says that it shows you signs or gives you opportunities that bring you closer to your dreams. No matter what you do, everything brings you closer. And if you're seeing signs, that's what it's meant to do - to remind you of your destiny and gently bring you back to where you need to be. Or to let you know that you're on the right path. Sometimes, the signs can be overwhelming, especially when you've told yourself repeatedly that you're not supposed to want what you want. Eventually, your only choice is to surrender - accept that the signs are there and they are, in fact, bringing your mind back to this impossible, unreasonable desire. Fighting it is resistance, allowing it is surrender. As long as you're paying attention, the only thing you need to do is allow it and keep working your way forward, as usual.
A few notes on the song. It's from the Pixies' iconic album, "Surfer Rosa." One of the first vinyls I bought. My best friend in college, Ana, had the album cover (which is the above picture) on her wall in her room. And I always wondered what her parents thought. The answer is "Who cares? That image is amazing." The singer said the song was inspired by a scuba diving session he went on. I've interpreted it as you have to control your thoughts or they'll control you. It's fitting that this song plays at the end of "Fight Club," as Jack and Marla watch the buildings collapse in front of them. Throughout the whole movie, he's let his shadow run amok and the sanest moment for him in the whole movie is watching his world crumble around him. "You met me at a very strange time in my life."
I'm really fucking tired so I'm going to try to keep this brief. My sleep schedule has been all messed up the past couple of weeks (blame Eclipse Season 😜) so between waking up at like 3am for no reason, crazy vivid dreams, and extra long days at work, I've been exhausted. But...I'm feeling generally pretty chipper lately, hence the super ridiculous song for today. Before I get into that rant, I will reiterate that I engage in shufflemancy fairly often because if the Universe is going to speak to me or send me a sign, I figure it's probably going to be through music. For example, every so often - when I've had a particularly rough day or have been ruminating on the past (against my better judgement) - I will turn on the radio and "Faith" by George Michael will be on. I like to take that as a sign to be grateful and look on the bright side. And, even if it isn't a sign, it's fucking George Michael and no one can be a grumpy face when that song is playing.
It's been a long road
Getting from there to here
It's been a long time
But my time is finally near
And I can feel the change in the wind right now
Nothing's in my way
And they're not gonna hold me down no more
No, they're not gonna hold me down
I've chosen today's song because we've recently started re-watching "Star Trek: Enterprise" because they added it to Netflix. It's The Husband's favorite series. To be honest, it's one of my favorites too. It's certainly the one that was able to hold my interest the best. I like to mock the first couple lines of the theme song when the opening credits start and sometimes, my "punishment" is to listen to the whole title sequence. But, while I wouldn't say it's the best Star Trek credits song, I don't hate it. Yes, it's rather dramatic and it sounds like a 90s ballad even though it was written during the current century, it has a kind of hokey charm that always puts a smile on my face. I have other reasons for watching the show, too. Full disclosure - Commander Trip Tucker is one of my "fictional character" crushes. I don't normally go for blondes but he's obviously handsome, extremely smart (because you have to be if you're the Chief Engineer), funny, friendly, optimistic, a perfect gentleman, and he even has an adorable Southern accent. I'll even forgive him for being from Florida. Naturally, I was shipping T'Pol and Trip from the start, so when that storyline started developing, I remember being super girly and excited while watching the show the first time. I have a tendency to squeal when a romance has been hinted about for several episodes (even seasons) and it finally starts coming together. It doesn't matter who's involved. Trip and T'Pol. Booth and Brennan. Ron and Hermione. Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt (also on my fictional crush list). It's the same squeal for all of them. I get happy because other people are happy, sometimes overly so. I like to think it's endearing but I'm pretty sure it just makes me look like a spaz. Oh well.
Moving on. In general, I like "Enterprise" most because it showcases the best sides of human nature, the parts we should aim to grow in ourselves and encourage in others. In the episode we watched today, Captain Archer meets a transport ship en route to the same location they are going to (a stellar nursery). His first instinct is to open up a channel of communication and say "Howdy!" And when he becomes aware that the travelers are going to the stellar nursery for religious purposes, he brings them aboard for a cultural exchange and gives them a tour of the ship. While more suspicious minds would say that inviting strangers onto your starship is ill-advised at best (and, of course, shenanigans ensued), there's something special about offering that level of kindness and hospitality when you're aware that you're vulnerable. The Husband joked that this is such a typical American thing to do - the joke is that only an American would walk into a bar full of unfriendly-looking strangers and say "Hi! My name is Dave. What's everybody drinking?" I, personally, really like that about our culture. It's a gift to have the courage to try and strike up a friendship out of thin air and to be that open to accepting others right from the start. I've always felt I was lucky because, as shy and introverted as I am, I never had trouble making friends. But, to be fair, I never turned down the opportunity to make a friend if it was offered. So, given that I did allow myself to be so vulnerable, I suppose the lucky part is that I was blessed with meeting so many people who I would deem "Pure of Heart." I don't know how best to describe what that means other than the dictionary definition - someone who is without malice, treachery, or evil intent, someone who is honest and sincere. I think that's what the main theme throughout "Enterprise" was - trying to identify what being "pure of heart" meant (both within the crew and the new people they encountered) when faced with endless diversity and unfamiliar territory. But that road goes both ways. That's a question to ponder - Am I pure of heart? I think so, but how do you prove it? It's not something where you can pull a sword out of a stone or put on a Sorting hat to show other people that. You just have to embody it as best you can and hope other people can feel it when they meet you. I know that sounds very woo-woo but....I'm also certain that's basically the only way you can tell.
This song popped up on one of the "Cancer Cosmic Playlists" on Spotify. I love songs with the juxtaposition of beautiful, ethereal vocals against the rawness of rapped verses (like "Airplanes" by B.o.B. & Hayley Williams and "Love the Way You Lie" by Eminem & Rihanna). These lyrics hit pretty hard and - even though it's not the best song to listen to first thing in the morning on your way to work - I felt a deep connection with the words. The joke about Cancers is that they're "cry babies" but their symbol is a crab for a reason. We are sensitive, but you have to get through the tough shell first....and we only let certain people do that, if at all. "Mansion" is about the inability to allow yourself to be vulnerable, which is something I think most people struggle with. Especially for those with a history of trauma, they've learned that any level of vulnerability is unsafe, so they've built up walls upon walls of defense mechanisms. In the song, NF describes it as the titular "Mansion," where each room holds all his trauma, pain, regrets, and - most notably - his fear. In his dark moments, he paces its rooms, revisits all the ugliness. It's a prison for him and he's afraid to let anyone see it because, the minute he does, they'll leave him.
Insidious is blind inception
What's reality with all these questions?
Feels like I missed my alarm and slept in (slept in)
Broken legs but I chase perfection
These walls are my blank expression
My mind is a home I'm trapped in
And it's lonely inside this mansion
Lately, I had been thinking that things that happened in my childhood seem so far away. Like they didn't happen, almost. Even events that happened a year ago seem irrelevant now, irrelevant to moving forward, irrelevant to getting where I want to go. But I woke up on Friday in a panic, because I could literally hear my parents fighting in my sleep. The thing I remember most is the vocal fry that happens when people scream. The sound is so familiar to me. I hate it. I try not to yell when I'm angry and I try to avoid screaming to the point where my voice gets that harsh. The sound scares me so much that I can't even stand when my own voice gets to that point. I don't know if it was a dream or a memory or something my head put together - all the fights blur together and it always seemed like it was the same fight over and over.
Revisiting abnormal psychology and understanding what happened to me helps, in a way. I've been reading articles and watching videos about narcissistic abuse lately and why people stay stuck in these relationships for so long. Sometimes decades, even when it feels wrong. Even when the abuse is so obvious. The thing is that it's a process that slowly breaks down your identity and your mind until you're entirely dependent upon an abuser for your self-worth. And if you start to assert yourself or start getting your self-worth built up by outside sources, the abuse usually gets worse because the abuser feels like they've lost control. There's a whole cycle to it. In romantic relationships, the abuser will go through periods where they're the person you always wanted them to be or the person they were at the beginning of the relationship (called "love-bombing") - but it never lasts. Once you're back under their control, they're back to being angry all the time (because anger is how they control your behavior) and treating you like you're worthless. But the small kindnesses that they dole out, the breadcrumbs of "love," are so addictive because you're so depleted, you keep coming back for more. Slowly, your expectations for this person become less and less. The problem is you're never going to get the validation you crave from this person because - no matter what you do - they are never happy. You can never satisfy them and it destroys your perception of yourself. You begin to think of yourself as unlovable and unworthy.
A reason this cycle is so effective is that the brain doesn't like cognitive dissonance. For example, a person says they love you but they treat you like shit, the mind resolves that incongruity by turning inward and building an idea of yourself that you must be this terrible person that your abuser says you are. Which makes them seem even more Savior-like because, "Oh wow! I'm this terrible person and they stay anyway! They must really love me!" Wrong. Narcissistic abusers are literally vampires and they're staying around because you still have something for them to siphon out (money, attention, status). The minute all that goes away, they'll leave. That's another fallacy of modern society is that we're so entrenched with protecting our collective abandonment wound that we've twisted relationships to mean that staying = love. But staying in a relationship with someone who treats you like you don't matter, who calls you names, and continuously invalidates your feelings or thoughts, will destroy your capacity to love yourself. Claiming to love someone but not treating them with respect - especially when emotions are high - is a huge red flag. Unfortunately, it's usually one we ignore until it's too late, because we're desperate to feel loved. This is why, if you had narcissistic parents growing up, you're more likely to end up in similar relationships as an adult. This instability seems like "normal" relationship troubles. It's not.
Another reason why narcissistic abuse continues for so long is that it fucks with your memory. Gaslighting is a technique specifically designed to make you question your rational mind. For example, you might bring up something the person said in a previous conversation and they'll reply "I never said that!" or "That doesn't sound like me!" Normal (non-narcissistic people) will immediately question themselves and wonder if maybe they just remembered it wrong. That's something a narcissist is counting on. Long-term, it results in a sort of brain fog, where you're not even sure if you're remembering other important details of your life correctly. It ensures that you won't tell anyone or, if you do, that you won't be believed. The antidote for this is to write these moments down and/or tell a trusted friend. Both of these methods serve as an external memory, as it were, that helps to remind you that what you're experiencing is not just in your head. That it's real. I journaled off and on throughout high school and so did my little sister, and this helped immensely. It always terrified me that my mom would find our writings, to the point where - during one of the worst periods - I called my little sister and told her to burn my notebooks and her journals if she had to. As a writer, this is a nigh un-thinkable act but, at the time, I would've done anything to protect myself and my sisters. It's also important to note that my mom always hated my friends and would blame them for me acting in certain ways. I never told them about it, because I didn't want them to feel bad. To be honest, my friends saved me. They gave me a place to go when it got really bad and they reminded me that I wasn't ugly and stupid, that these were just words my mom used to hurt me. A narcissistic abuser will want to isolate you as much as possible to prevent others from destroying the negative self-perception you have of yourself. They won't want you talking to your family or will talk negatively about your family. They will not want to hang out with your friends and will get upset if you want to spend time with your friends without them. It's important that you stay connected to friends and family anyway, because you'll need that support network if you try to leave.
So this part of my house, no one's been in it for years
I built the safe room and I don't let no one in there
'Cause if I do, there's a chance that they might disappear and not come back
And I admit I am emotionally scared to let anyone inside
So I just leave my doors locked
You might get other doors to open up but this door's not
'Cause I don't want you to have the opportunity to hurt me
And I'll be the only person that I can blame when you desert me
I'm barricaded inside so stop watching
I'm not coming to the door so stop knocking, stop knocking
I'm trapped here, God keeps saying I'm not locked in
I chose this, I am lost in my own conscience
I know that shutting the wall down ain't solving the problem
But I didn't build this house because I thought it would solve 'em
I built it because I thought that it was safer in there
But it's not, I'm not the only thing that's living in here
Fear came to my house years ago, I let him in
Maybe that's the problem 'cause I've been dealing with this ever since
I thought that he would leave, but it's obvious he never did
He must have picked the room and got comfortable and settled in
Now I'm in the position it's either sit here and let him win
Or put him back outside where he came from, but I never can
'Cause in order to do that I'd have to open the doors
Is that me or the fear talking?
I don't know anymore
NF doesn't address it in the song, but the way you get rid of the fear is to burn the fucking house down. Destroy it, room by room. We call this process therapy and, to quote Channing Tatum, "everybody needs to be in therapy." He's not wrong. You have to walk through the rooms - the painful memories, the regrets, the mistakes - and remind yourself that, even though they happened, they don't have to define you. Bad things may have happened to you, you may have done bad things, but that doesn't make you a bad person. I'm not saying those triggers won't come up ever again if you go through therapy - they will (as my recent experiences attest). You'll just be able to deal with them in more healthy ways. Instead of getting drunk, you'll go exercise or call a friend. Instead of engaging in self-destructive behaviors (like cutting or starving yourself), you make art or write or meditate. Life after trauma is a slow process, almost painfully slow at times, especially when it feels like you're going backwards. You have to be brave enough to discover who you are without that negative influence in your life. It's scary. The loneliness can be so scary that it's almost preferable to go back to an unhealthy situation. But learn to become comfortable with being alone, with being by yourself. Moments of solitude is where you learn that you are enough.
I've been in a good place recently but the last couple of days, my mind has been very heavy. I feel lighter now. I hope sharing my experiences and knowledge help someone, especially anyone who is still going through this. You're not alone and you're not imagining things.
Pam Grossman, host of "The Witch Wave" podcast, created a playlist to celebrate the release of her book, "Waking the Witch: Reflections on Women, Magic, and Power." I've been listening through it to discover witchy-themed music and found a few new favorites. This one got stuck in my head this morning. I thought it was clever in both the context and format. It's a duet and, like a lot of duets, it is organized as a "call and response" type song. You hear her side, then his, and then - the part that I like the most - is when they overlap. They're singing different lyrics at the same time, which creates this beautiful cacophony for a moment before the chorus harmonizes both parts. As for the story, it's very simple. Boy meets girl at a seance. They feel a connection but they separate anyway. However, the girl is a witch and she uses sympathetic magic (essentially a "voodoo doll") on him. And every time he feels it, he thinks of her.
It's not the same as the real thing
Might like this better instead
I know you're thinking of me
When I'm thinking that
We are connected
We are connected
The album this is from is called "Cautionary Tales," so I wonder what the lesson is here. Don't fall in love with a witch - not even once? I think that's the moral of a lot of stories, to be honest. One of the earliest witch stories I remember was an American folktale. It was in the book that sparked my interest in witches so long ago, and I think it was one of my favorites. In the story, there's this woman who started having terrible headaches. Migraines, every single day (which I can imagine would be a nightmare). Her quality of life for her and her family goes down because it impairs her ability to do anything required of colonial life. Her husband begins an affair with the suspected town witch. Suspected because she's incredibly beautiful, with long dark hair and dark eyes, and she lives alone. The woman knows but the migraines prevent her from doing anything about it, so she goes to a known healer (commonly referred to as "white witch" in early Americana) for a cure. The white witch tells her that there's nothing he can do because she's been bewitched. The person who cursed her had gotten hold of some strands of her hair and had sown them beneath the pelt of a hare. Until this hare is killed, the migraines will persist. Furthermore, the white witch says to kill the witch who cursed her, the woman should shoot a silver bullet through an image of the witch.
So the woman lives on in pain for months until, one day, she's in her garden and the migraines magically stop. She's so happy that she begins to sing. A hunter follows her singing and stops by to say "hello," which is when she notices that one of his kills is a hare. When she asks about it, the hunter brags that he's the best shot around. As a test, she draws the image of a woman on a piece of wood. She requests that the hunter shoot the image through the leg and he does so successfully. Later in the day, she hears that the beautiful witch has taken ill with a pain through the leg. The next day, the witch dies, and the woman is racked with guilt because she is sure she is the one who murdered her. Until she learns that the witch's own brother shot an image of her with an actual silver bullet, not ordinary buckshot like the hunter.
I knew from your demeanor (Make a little totem)
That you were a kindred soul (Fetish doll effigy)
Your smile was so familiar (Put in it a token)
And I couldn't let you go (Something that comes from me)
It's a sympathetic magic (Sympathetic magic)
Pulls us together close (Are we doomed? Are we cursed?)
It's a sympathetic magic (Sympathetic magic)
It's the thing I love the most (It could always be worse)
Sympathetic magic is a type of magic based on imitation or correspondence. Most of the spells and magic that people are familiar with are sympathetic magic in some form or another. Some examples: making a sachet for abundance (mint, maybe cinnamon) or love (rose petals, basil); burning certain colored candles and anointing them with special oils or carving intentions into the wax; burning pictures of people or writing down/saying their names; or, most famously, using items taken from a person (such as hair, nails, maybe even blood) to create a poppet to represent them.
It's a tricky subject in the witchcraft community. There are some who believe that one should never use magic to manipulate and control others. There are others who believe that doing things like curses or hexes can be acceptable if it adds to the overall good of the world. There are still others who think they should be able to use magic to further their aims, regardless of whether or not it affects the free will of others. Some believe there are consequences (bad karma, the Threefold Law) and some believe it is just morally wrong, regardless if there are consequences for the caster. I won't go into any diatribes on where I stand - people can make their own choices. But, as far as magic goes, it's considered fairly powerful. Sympathetic magic began in prehistoric times - if you're familiar with the Lascaux Caves in France, it has been hypothesized that the cave drawings were created as part of a ceremony to ensure a successful hunt. We even see it today in modern rituals, such as the culmination of Burning Man and the Burning of Zozobra that happens in Santa Fe every year (which is coming up at the end of August). Torching these effigies is meant to banish sadness, strife, and bondage on a collective scale.
Of course, no discussion of sympathetic magic is complete without mentioning the obvious: voodoo dolls. Although it's most commonly associated with the African diaspora practices that developed in Haiti and the Southern United States, various forms are practiced in many cultures and poppet magic in particular has roots in Europe. The idea is simple - make a doll, tie it to a person by making it in their likeness or adding items associated with that person, and then use pins to pierce the doll. This practice can be used for healing purposes as well, such as through distance reiki or anointing the doll and praying over it. Poppets, effigies, and totems - they're all just tools. Like with everything, it's your intentions that matter most.
One final question I had on the song, though - the lyrics in the chorus are "It's not the same as the real thing/Might like this better instead." Why? Perhaps the real thing removes all the mystery and magic. I might be pondering that for awhile.
This song came up in a mix recently and I realized I'd forgotten how much I loved this song. When I was a kid, of course. It was released in December 2000 and was basically my whole soundtrack for 2001. I remember dancing around my living room whenever the music video came on MTV - this was before I was considered "responsible enough" to have a TV in my room. And yes, I know the MTV reference is instantly dated. I'm a member of the last generation who remembers when MTV only played music videos. And, I'm gonna tell ya, the world was a simpler place then. Or so it seemed. Yet, I still identified very strongly with this song - even though my (well meaning, Hanson-loving) friends didn't get it - at the tender age of 13....perhaps because I already understood the feeling back then. Of course, I'm not sure if I was jaded or if I knew it was unsafe to show emotion...so I didn't. Coping mechanisms are fun!
Your thinking's so complicated
I've had it all up to here
But it's so overrated
Love and hated
Wouldn't trade it
Love me jaded
I looked up the definition for "jaded" because I'm starting to feel like I know so many words but have lost touch with the true meaning. Linguistics is a true passion of mine (one of several). Apparently, the word originally meant "worn-out horse," possibly from the Old Norse jalda meaning "mare." Luckily, I've recently taken up Icelandic (apparently the closest language to Old Norse) so I know exactly how to pronounce jalda, in addition to several other words. I particularly enjoy saying the word for "mushroom," which is sveppur. Moving on in our explanation (rant....it's a rant at this point) about words, "jaded" has three meanings in English, all fairly similar. 1. Bored or lacking enthusiasm, typically after having been over exposed to, or having consumed too much of something. 2. Worn-out, wearied, exhausted, or lacking enthusiasm, due to age or experience. 3. Made callous, or cynically insensitive, by experience. I think it's something akin to that "emptiness" I'm always going on about. Nothing surprises you. In fact, the pettiness and predictability of human beings (including yourself) begins to get tiresome. It happens. Every so often, I stop believing in fairy tales and magic for a little while. At this point, I don't worry because it usually comes back. All you need is a little spark.
Hey j-j-jaded
There ain't no baby please
When I'm shootin' the breeze with her
When everything you see is a blur
And ecstasy's what you prefer
This songs meaning is somewhat layered. There's the most obvious layer, which is that it's about a complicated relationship with a younger woman who is just so bored with life already. But then there's the layer of what Steven Tyler was thinking when he wrote the song. He was thinking of his youngest daughter while developing "Jaded," about how he didn't feel as if he was there enough due to his lifestyle (not just the musician life, but drug addictions too). All of his relationships with his children are complicated like this. Liv Tyler didn't meet him until she was 9, when her mother took her to an Aerosmith concert. Bebe Buell didn't tell her that Tyler was her father due to his involvement with drugs but - to hear Liv Tyler tell the story - when she met Steven Tyler, she just "knew" he was her father. And I believe her. I think children always know about those kind of complicated things. They know when something's wrong, even when adults refuse to talk about them or straight up lie to their face. Over time, we teach them (and ourselves) that they're overthinking or they're "too sensitive" (that's my favorite one, can't you tell? I heard it a lot growing up), and so life slowly stamps out that intuition because we've learned to ignore it. And that shit is hard to grow back. Assuming that ignoring your intuition doesn't kill you first.
As I said, I loved the music video. It has a style about it - it's not creepy, but it's clear that the world is a little off. The girl (a young Mila Kunis, who looks as beautiful as always and weirdly reminds me of my older sister) is surrounded by a lavish lifestyle. Beautiful clothes, meticulous servants, every manner of entertainment at her slightest whim. She literally has it all but something is missing for her. Everything blurs together. There's nothing fantastical in her fantasy world. Then, a mysterious force asks her, "What do you want?" And she answers simply, "To Feel" (Oh. My. God. That is such a Cancer thing to say!) The mysterious force tells her to "Find the Forest" and she runs madly searching for it. For all her trouble, she finds the forest - which is quite a magical place - and she is finally touched to the point where she cries. I told you...she just needed a spark. A happy ending indeed. On a somewhat related note, YouTube has been suggesting a lot of psychology videos for me lately and I've taken the bait. Of course, I'm starting to realize that I've never strayed too far from my roots.
I've chosen a somewhat obnoxious song for my birthday, because I can. I know the song is actually "Twenty Two" but, lately, I've been singing it as "Thirty Two" because that's how old I am today (and I'm a dork who makes up lyrics to songs just for fun). As of 3:45 am, which you will notice is when this post was uploaded. No, I am not awake that early - I'm an old woman and I need my beauty sleep - but I did schedule it to post at precisely my birth time. Yep, I'm a little extra. When I got my first cell phone, my best friend in high school used to call me at exactly 3:45am every birthday, which made me feel super special. Lately, I feel like I'm lucky if The Husband remembers without looking at Facebook (but I'm sure a lot of people are in that boat with me....that's why I've been loudly hinting that my birthday is coming up for the last two weeks).
Anyway, even though I kinda/sorta think this is a terrible song, I still love it because it's hella catchy. Taylor Swift is (also) weirdly obsessed with her birthday and her age, so this is one of multiple songs she titled after the age she was at the time she wrote it. Additionally, her fifth studio album was named "1989," after the year she was born. She has a song named "Back to December," which is the month she was born in. And her next album is going to be released on 8/23, which is "13" if you add up all the numbers (this isn't just supposition - she straight up pointed this out when she did an Instagram video announcing the release of "Lover"). All of this makes me think she might be super interested in numerology which, quite frankly, just makes me love her even more.
It seems like one of those nights
This place is too crowded, too many cool kids uh uh, uh uh
It seems like one of those nights
We ditch the whole scene and end up dreaming instead of sleeping
Yeah
We're happy free confused and lonely in the best way
It's miserable and magical oh yeah
Tonight's the night, when we forget about the heartbreaks, it's time uh oh
I don't know about you but I'm feeling 22 32
Everything will be alright if you keep me next to you
You don't know about me, but I bet you want to
Everything will be alright if we just keep dancing like we're 22 32
I know I ranted about Taylor's Cancer moon a couple weeks back, but let's not forget, she's a Sagittarius, which is one of my favorite signs. You know why? Because, it's the sign of hope and optimism and I have a lot of Sagittarius placements (couldn't you tell?) And, as far as songs go, hope and optimism is the energy that "Twenty Two" most embodies. So - if I really believe in all this magic and setting intentions stuff - that's the energy I want to embrace for my 32nd year on this floating rock. In my recent astrological studies, I've been reading a lot about annual profections, which is that specific houses (and any planets that fall within them) are activated during each year as we grow older. The age of 31 falls in the 8th house, which is the House of Death and Rebirth. It's a house of hard lessons, hard realizations, and a lot of soul growth. I feel like that was very true for me. I also kind of feel like I'm not done with it, yet, but that doesn't mean I'm not looking forward toward what awaits me in the 9th House. The thing I love most about astrology is that everything is connected within the framework, so it should seem absolutely natural that the hard lessons and awakenings we encounter in the 8th House, are solidified into Wisdom during the transit of the 9th House. Ninth House years are full of discoveries and adventure (it's naturally ruler is Sagittarius), and it portends (or at least, I really hope it portends) lots of travel, learning, and expansion. The 9th House also indicates publishing and themes of spirituality and self-improvement. Well, I'm already on that bender so....Bring it on!
Side note: The more I read about profections and compare them to my life circumstances, the more creeped out I get. I met my Husband during a 7th House annual profection, became pregnant with my son shortly after I moved into a 5th House year, and I started my first real job during a 2nd House year. I know it's probably not this accurate for most people, but I find this is a common thing with astrologers. They start learning about astrology because it sounds fun and esoteric, but they keep with it because - when they start to apply it to their own life - it gets scary accurate. Just trying to keep my wits about me.
Anyway, I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 32. Which means that it makes me super anxious that she jumped into the pool wearing a sweater and mini-skirt that I'm almost certain cost like $800 for this video. Damn kids.
My son and I love K.Flay. She's one of the only artists he knows by name - every time one of her music videos comes on, he gets all excited and shouts "It's K.Flay." I feel that way, too, baby. Based on her music, I feel like we've had similar life experiences. She's a fellow Cancer and she also majored in Psychology during university, which explains the introspective nature of a lot of her lyrics. This particular song came up in my playlist and it's had me thinking a lot lately. I don't know why I listen to music that makes me ruminate so hard on my existence. It just happens.
"Giver" is about that phase after what could be loosely termed a "spiritual awakening" (or a Dark Night of the Soul, more like....been through plenty of those), where you realize you've got to be different in some way. You've got to be better, or else you won't survive. But there's an insecurity that comes along with it, that you don't know how to be, that you're just going to fuck it up and it's not even worth trying. Maybe you treated others pretty shitty in the past. Or - just as bad - you've been selling yourself short. You start questioning your intentions, especially when you're trying to "make good" by being a kinder, more generous version of yourself. Or you have to fight falling back into old submissive patterns when you assert your needs and boundaries, because you immediately get pushback from those who were taking advantage of you. That's okay - keep going. That means the change is truly taking root. Because if you can't acknowledge that you were different in the past, have you really evolved? Maybe it's because of the experiences I've had, but I can always tell when someone is changing their behavior as a manipulation tactic. Perhaps it's because they become defensive when you point out their past bad behavior. If the shift was genuine, they'd be able to acknowledge and apologize for how they acted or the things they've said before. Otherwise, it's just gaslighting.
I'm learning to live
I'm trying to be better
I'm learning to give
But I don't know if I'm a giver
I don't know if I'm a giver
I don't know if I'm a giver
I got so much soul in my body
But no one keeping me honest
And whole days turn into holes in my mind
I got high hopes lots of potential
I'm high, broke, searching for symbols
And I will not let go of what is mine
This song, in particular, recently got under my skin because of something a tarot reader/social worker/counselor I follow on Twitter/Instagram, Jessica Dore, wrote for one of her daily draws. It was about gift giving as manipulation. I've always felt kind of uncomfortable with receiving gifts, because they always seemed to come with strings attached. As a result, I've always been fairly self-sufficient. If I want something, and I can afford it, I buy it. I don't need anyone to buy me anything and that's how I assert my freedom. No one owns me. And then it occurs to me - maybe the mere fact that I don't want to be owned means I can't be.
So what happens when you realize that you want gifts from certain people - especially people you feel you give a lot of time, energy, and care to - and you don't get them? I find myself saying "It's fine" a lot. And then I wonder if it's maybe my own fault - I've pretended that I'm this low-maintenance person who doesn't need or want to be spoiled for so long, people actually believed me? But asking for what I want feels burdensome and I fear that being honest about what I want will cause people to abandon me. (That's where the insecurity comes in.) Then I'm surprised when I feel depleted and resentful, because I'm still over-giving in hope that I receive a little bit in return, but it doesn't work that way. I would argue I have the opposite problem of K.Flay - I know how to give, I just don't know how to receive.
But that's part of the enlightenment and recovery. Realizing the person you pretended to be isn't who you are and navigating the obstacles you face trying to embody your authentic self. The scary thing, though, is that you will lose things along the way. Friends, lovers, addictions, coping methods, parts of your personality that you believed were "you" for so long. It's a shedding of everything that doesn't work anymore, if it ever really worked at all. The only thing to do is just trying to be that best version of yourself every day. Like K.Flay says in the song, you can't let go of what is yours.
Rilo Kiley is one of my favorite bands. More music that got me through the toughest parts of my life (thus far). They broke up in 2011 (and I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who cared) but they still hold a special part of my heart. Rilo Kiley's music is very much like Lana Del Rey's, in that it can sound whimsical and chipper, but the lyrics tell a story that's so much deeper than the surface. Rilo Kiley was started by former child stars Jenny Lewis ("Troop Beverly Hills") and Blake Sennett ("Boy Meets World"). True to form, I was oddly attracted to Sennett's character, Joseph "Joey the Rat" Epstein, which is how I discovered Rilo Kiley. Chronic boy craziness had its advantages - I kinda miss it sometimes. "The Good That Won't Come Out" was the first Rilo Kiley song I'd ever heard and - while it's not my favorite ("Does He Love You?" wins that title) - I would certainly count it in a list of their Top 10 Greatest.
"The Good That Won't Come Out" is about mental illness - specifically depression and anxiety, especially among high-functioning individuals. It's a lament about how that, even if you want to do something about it, there's this fear that keeps you from seeking help. Even though you know it's keeping you from enjoying your life, keeping you from doing the things you love, preventing you from being there for the people you love, and stopping you from accomplishing your dreams. All the good that won't come out of you. Let's dissect it a little bit.
Oh, you're almost home
I've been waiting for you to come in
Dancing around in your old suits, going crazy in your room again
I think I'll go out and embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in the street
You say I choose sadness, that it never once has chosen me
Maybe you're right...
In the first verse, Jenny has been invited to meet up with friends and they get into a discussion about climate change. And she's struck by the futility because, while they're all claiming how concerned they are about it, they're not doing a damn thing to make it better. She wants to do better, she wants to be a better person, but she finds herself doing the same thing. A lot of outrage, not a lot of action. She's just watching things crumble around her but she can't bring herself to do something about it. Which leads us to our second verse.
She knows there is something wrong with her. Otherwise, she wouldn't be so miserable....but she won't go to a psychologist/psychiatrist. Because then she'd have to face the things that are causing her to be so miserable, including the things that are her fault. There's nothing more infuriating/disappointing than knowing the biggest obstacle holding you back is your own insecurities and fears. Besides that, in order to get better, she'd have to allow herself to become vulnerable to someone, even if it's just a medical professional. And that's scary for a lot of people. Letting someone in that far, allowing them to see those ugly bits, means they have all the ammunition they need to hurt you. Really hurt you. And you just have to trust that they won't. Very few people have ever experienced that level of trust. People think they have, but they haven't. There are people who go to therapy every week and they talk, but they don't really say anything. Then they stop going because it's not working. How could it? They didn't even try.
The bridge is my favorite part, though. She's in a conversation with someone - the person she's singing to - perhaps a lover, perhaps a friend. The talking is therapeutic for her and she's getting close to a few breakthroughs. She's allowing herself to be vulnerable. And that's what she wanted ("I've been waiting for you to come in"). But then she goes back to her same old self-destructive habits and pushes the person away. The killing blow, though, is when the person says that she's choosing to be sad, in the face of all the good things in her life. And a final, reluctant admission - maybe there's an uncomfortable truth to that. In the last verse, she starts thinking of her other friends, friends that never recovered from their depression, some of whom committed suicide ("all our friends who lost the war"), and she's at a crossroads. Let this person - who cares about her enough to try and break down her walls - walk away. And, thus, truly be lost. Or admit she needs help and actually follow through this time.
"You say I choose sadness, that it never once has chosen me...." That line has stuck with me for the past decade and a half. This can mean many things - choosing to stay in situations we know make us unhappy, choosing to think badly of ourselves, choosing to not stand up for our own needs and boundaries. It seems inevitable - because we've convinced ourselves this is just who we are - but it doesn't have to be. Thoughts are a choice, feelings are a choice. It may not seem like it in the moment, but they are. And it takes a long time and a lot of hard work to transform them into something more positive, something akin to happiness, but it's worth it. You just have to get over the fear and try. It may take a couple of tries, to be honest. I feel like it's Millennial Culture to compare our misery - my childhood was sadder than yours, I'm more broke than you, I've sacrificed more, et cetera. And then we wonder why our generation's drug use, depression, and suicide rates have sky-rocketed. I'm not saying life isn't hard - it is. But we don't have to see it that way. And we certainly don't have to accept misery as our permanent reality. Just let someone in.
For July, I wanted to work on some projects I've been avoiding for a while so, instead of pushing myself to follow a theme and exerting extra brain power searching for songs that fit a vision, this month is going to be mostly random choices. There probably won't be too many rants, either, as I'm going to try to keep things short. I only have so much writing time in a day, unfortunately.
To be honest, June felt extra heavy for some reason. I was feeling unappreciated, unloved, uninspired - just a lot of "uns" in general. And, while I'd like to say I'm feeling better, the fact is that in July, I still feel all the feels, I just have more energy and motivation to be....mean. I've still got a lot of righteous anger and I'm ready to burn a few bridges, if necessary. But for now, I'm trying to fly under the radar because, occasionally, the pain subsides and the rage passes. It is, indeed, Cancer season - in honor of my birthday month, I've been dipping into the Cancer playlist curated by Spotify and I've found some gems. Some of the songs hit a little bit too hard but that's why I like them. The artists have put the intensity I'm feeling into the words I couldn't find. I'm still trying to find them. While I do that, there's plenty of darkness I have left to transmute.
For fun, I scoured the internet for a truly Cancerean quote. Naturally, it came from Pablo Neruda, a poet known for his love sonnets: “If nothing saves us from death, at least love should save us from life.”
I also scoured the internet for Cancer memes - there were a lot, mostly involving Sailor Moon (the show was highly astrology based - all the Scouts were based on their planetary ruler. Sailor Moon was a Cancer, Sailor Mercury was a Virgo, Sailor Mars was an Aries, etc.) Sharing a few to lighten the mood.
