"Back to You" by Selena Gomez

There was a tweet I read a while back that asserted that "You can think Selena Gomez's music is terrible and think 'Love You Like a Love Song' is the greatest song in the history of mankind. People like us exist!" I found it funny because that song is legitimately manufactured and awful yet hyper-catchy and captures a feeling that we've all gone through at some point. I do not fully agree with the tweet because I don't think Selena Gomez's music is completely terrible, even the early stuff. Lately, it's gotten considerably better, which is why I think she's one of the few people who has made the successful switch from Disney start to pop idol. The artists who have longevity are the ones who can consistently transform themselves and still retain the je ne sais quoi which brought them public attention in the first place. It's harder than it sounds, especially when you're not fully in control of the music you're producing.

Recently, she dropped two new singles - (not so) coincidentally, they were released on the first day of Scorpio season. Personally, I think this was intentional because both songs were about the transformation she had to go through to get over Justin Bieber and Scorpio is the sign of transformation and rebirth. Celebrities have been a lot more open about their interest in spirituality, including more woo-woo aspects of the New Age, and astrology in particular has gained a lot of traction in the past year. As much as I like to think I'm a trendsetter, I'm honestly just riding the wave and not resisting what I'm being called towards. The first single, "Lose You to Love Me," was a personal ballad about how she felt so low after their breakup. How she felt she deserved the poor treatment, how she let herself forget her purpose. Really hard, deep stuff that I'm sure isn't easy for anyone to face. And she kept taking him back, because her self-esteem was so broken, she didn't think she deserved better. The second single, "Look at Her Now," is a dance song that celebrates how she's thriving after the train crash of her and Justin's relationship. She mentions that she "dodged a bullet," which she might have. Ironically, Justin Bieber and his wife have been on the defensive, saying Gomez put out these songs specifically to hurt Justin. Hailey Bieber has told reporters that he's "distraught" and Gomez is being cruel by airing out their dirty laundry. But it's art. And he clearly didn't care how much he hurt her when it was happening, so why should she censor the truth about the pain she went through just to make him more comfortable? That's not a man, that's a boy, which is why his mama (oops...wife) is speaking on his behalf. And that's about the extent I'll get into celebrity drama for today.

Obviously, based on her recent power moves, Selena Gomez is now genuinely starting to get over Justin Bieber. However, "Back to You" came out in 2018, after their most recent break up. The song is bittersweet - the melody is fairly upbeat but the lyrics are tinged with a sadness only wisdom can bring about. The message in the song is simple - their relationship wasn't great, it may have even been a mistake, but it's a mistake she would make again in a heartbeat. Every time. That's it. That's the song.

We never got it right

Playing and replaying old conversations

Overthinking every word and I hate it

'Cause it's not me ('cause it's not me)

And what's the point in hiding?

Everybody knows we got unfinished business

And I'll regret it if I didn't say

This isn't what it could be (isn't what it could be)

Let's talk about the video. I'm a Francophile in the worst way, which means I've watched way too many French movies. Most of which were made in the 1960s. Lucky for me, that's the whole aesthetic of this video. Complete with subtitles that don't exactly match the words they're speaking. It has it all - the camera shots filtered through colored light, the chic clothes, the nonsensical meet-cute that spurs the whole video into action. The lyrics of "Back to You" bring to mind a classic Jean-Luc Godard film, "Breathless," in which Jean-Paul Belmondo plays a petty thug whose reckless actions bring about his demise. Throughout the film, he turns to a naive, American love interest, Patricia (played by Jean Seberg), who he doesn't treat all that well but who seems to love him - but she betrays him, partially as a test for herself to see if she really does love him. Belmondo's character has a specific quirk where, when he's thinking, he runs his thumb across his bottom lip. At the end of the movie, as Michel dies, Patricia replicates this same quirk as she speaks the last line in the movie. I've interpreted this as, having fallen in love with this scoundrel, she has taken on some of his traits and, in a way, a part of him will always be with her. In a way, their attraction is ill-fated - they are both enamored with a romanticized image of the gangster lifestyle, which ultimately leads to the tragic end of their relationship (and Michel's life).

In  more light-hearted version of this same plot, the "Back to You" video shows Selena and a Bieber doppelganger meet at a party and she proposes stealing a car. It's all fun and games until there's real consequences involved. That's when the conflict starts. It escalates until he screams at her - "You're too passionate!" And, dear friends, if anyone calls you "too" anything, that's a bad sign. Especially if they say you're "too much" - that just means they're used to not getting much and they're afraid/anxious of not being to reciprocate that. At this point, Selena announces she's going back to the party. Back to the moment when they met. And what does she do? She does it all over again.

Chaos theory hinges on tiny, seemingly insignificant events cascading into each other randomly in order to produce each moment. In a way, it makes the way things are unavoidable. In order to get to this moment - this moment right now - everything had to go a specific way. Otherwise, this moment would be different. Our reality would be different. I try not to think about the "what ifs" because they don't really exist. Right now, those possibilities are dead. I will never be this old or this young ever again. I can't go back and change my major in college. Or where I went to college or even where I was on a particular day. What I can change is how I color those decisions - were they mistakes? Or were they just the best choice available to me based on the information I had at the time? The thing to embrace about this song is she doesn't assert that her feelings are wrong - she just says this is how she feels right now. That's just how it is and she can't help it. She has a lot of compassion for herself in this song and I can image her writing in her journal, one night after it's all over for the umpteenth time, spilling all these thoughts onto a page. I feel [blank] [blank] [blank] (I imagine she says "I feel" a lot because, like me, Selena is a Cancer). No judgement. And thus ends a rather lengthy rant that went in every direction all at once and back again.

"Back to You" Video

Redux: "Raise Hell" by Dorothy

I do not like to repeat songs on this blog. That being said, I will make exceptions for certain songs, especially if I have something to add to the conversation. For example, "Six Feet Under" by No Doubt is my official birthday song and it may show up in July multiple times over the years. "Raise Hell" by Dorothy is now my official Thanksgiving song, solely because the video takes place during Thanksgiving. However illogical it may be, I don't think I need any more reason than that. My only theory about this video is the family in the video is definitely her real family. After watching the video a couple of times, the resemblance between Dorothy and her mother is unmistakable. That is definitely what Dorothy is going to look like when she's older. The blonde woman is clearly her sister - the snottiness of taking the wine away was too natural. The chemistry between the ensemble as a whole is free-flowing. You can tell these people are maybe just a little bit too comfortable being weird around each other. That's when you realize - Dorothy's family is way cooler than you'll ever be.

On a serious note, being a rock star (or any type of creative) is not the conventional path to go down in life. A lot of families would not be supportive of that choice and even if they seem supportive, most would probably not agree to be in a video where they're acting like fools. A video that will live forever on YouTube. But that's the message of the video - Dorothy is the Black Sheep in a family that would prefer to pretend they are "normal." Then she literally flips the table on them and awakens a wildness which is inherent in all of them, but fully embodied in Dorothy. Authenticity, as a principle, requires you to be your true, honest self, even when it makes your loved ones (like family) uncomfortable. It dares you to demand being heard when others would prefer your silence. But this is self-betrayal. And the ones who matter will not want you to do it, will not force you to conform to narrow roles to make their lives feel safer.

Young blood, stand and deliver

No need for a queen affair

Young blood, gotta pull the trigger

When the whole world running scared

This week, there was a controversy on Twitter where some woman commented that "Friends-giving" is more popular than actual Thanksgiving and how sad that is for society because we've lost our focus on the family. This POV is extremely privileged and narrow-minded, as plenty of people pointed out. Friends-giving is something that became popular in the LGBT community because many LGBT people were ostracized from their biological families but didn't want to lose their traditions. In recent years, Friends-giving has been gaining more traction because people my age have had to move far away from their actual families in order to find decent-paying jobs. Speaking from experience, it's not always easy to take off work and spend the money to visit family - my closest family (my sister-in-law) lives over 5 hours away and visiting my parents requires a good 14-hour drive (and that's mostly spent just trying to get out of Texas). It's even worse for my older sister, who has lived on the East Coast for the last decade when the majority of our family lives in the Southwest. For someone as social as she is, Friends-giving allows her to feel connected to a family of sorts, even if they aren't biological. And I guess that's the core of it - friends are the family you get to choose.

I follow Dr. Nicole LePera on Instragram (handle @theholisticpsychologist) and she recently posted an infographic which stated the following wisdom - the longevity of a relationship is not relevant to the health of a relationship or the depth of the connection. That's a falsehood we cling to, thinking that the length of time we've known someone is an essential factor for decisions related to the relationship. There are people who have stayed in toxic relationships for 30+ years and society lauded them for it, even though it was slowly destroying them. People will visit abusive family members every year for the sake of keeping the peace, sacrificing their well-being to avoid criticism. Meanwhile, you can meet someone and instantly know it's a meaningful connection, and yet society devalues it because it's short-lived. I've been lucky enough to have had my fair share of these meaningful connections, mostly at times when I needed them the most. Yesterday, I was talking to a coworker/friend about a problem I've been having and, though our relationship is mostly a professional one, I found that I was incredibly grateful he was open enough to share his experience and listen to mine. And this year, that's what I'm most grateful for - the connections (friends, family, coworkers), both past and present, who have allowed me to become who I am now.

Happy Thanksgiving!

"Raise Hell" Video

"Dear Future Husband" by Meghan Trainor

I'm back on my bullshit. As such, I've chosen one of my favorite songs to sing and dance to, especially when I'm in the kitchen doing various house-wifing duties (cooking, baking, experimenting, calling in the dark forces to do my bidding, et cetera). I have my reasons for loving this song - 1) I love Trainor's retro/big band style and 2) this song really annoys the Husband. That being said, he has some legit reasons for not liking it. Even though this song is catchy as hell, it speaks to the unhealthy mindset that society has pre-programmed into young girls. Even with its subliminal "girl power" message, it's the kind of "girl power" that subtly says, "a real man would do these things - if he doesn't, he ain't worth shit." For those who are paying attention, feminism and female empowerment isn't about that. Or, at least, it didn't used to be. Let's analyze, shall we.

The concept of the song (as if you couldn't tell from the title) is Meghan is telling her future husband all of the things he has to do to keep her happy as a wife. Paradoxically, most of these "requirements" are super shallow. She doesn't mention things like intellectual stimulation or sexual compatibility or being a good person. The irony is the song makes it out to seem like she has high standards but, in truth, all of the things she mentions are actually pretty easy to achieve. You can find a guy who does all of these things who still turns out to be an asshole. A lot of the lyrics refer to buying her things and taking her out on dates - it doesn't say whether those dates are full of thought-provoking conversation or if he remembers what her favorite flower is when he buys them on their anniversary. The icing on the cake for the first verse, though, is when she asserts that she'll be the perfect wife....and then equates the perfect wife with buying groceries. It's a rather gendered look at what should be a multi-faceted role. And I think that's why many women become unsatisfied in marriage - they are trying to fit a caricature of what they've been told a wife should be, which is largely based on pop culture and their own mother (or other feminine figures in their life). This may or may not be a good recipe.

Moving on to the next verse, which is even more problematic. After every fight/Just apologize....Even if I was wrong/You know I'm never wrong/Why disagree. Hooooo boy! Let's unpack that, shall we? This does not describe healthy conflict within a relationship. At all. As someone who tends to always apologize and try to make amends first, this pattern gets really fucking tiring after a while. First, it begins to feel like you're the only one who is making any effort to compromise. Second, you begin to wonder if the arguments are even necessary in the first place or if the other person is just playing control games. Finally, this dynamic gets boring really quick and you start to question how much effort you should be putting into the relationship. People wear their inability to apologize or hold grudges like a badge of honor, as if it demonstrates their strength of will. As if being obstinate and lacking empathy is something to be proud of. However, the simple truth is if you cannot bring yourself to say the words "I'm sorry" and/or are unwilling to be the first to apologize, you are too emotionally immature to be in a relationship. If you cannot admit when you were wrong, you are not self-aware enough to see the hurt your behavior has caused another. Why would you subject another person to that level of bullshit? What ends up happening is your spouse becomes disempowered and will not voice their opinions, feelings, and needs to avoid conflict because they know they always come out on the losing side. At best, a degree of intimacy is lost and, at worst, the relationship has now entered the realm of being abusive.

And know we'll never see your family more than mine. This lyric has always bothered me because I'm a family-oriented person. I often find myself encouraging my husband to reach out to his family and it's important to me that my son knows both sides of his family. Maybe this might be a personal trigger, because my mom and my maternal grandma always made it seem like it was a competition for our time as kids. It's not - as far as I'm concerned, once you're in my family, I treat you like family - in-laws included. It's not a competition....but it may be a matter of distance or money.

I'll be sleeping on the left side of the bed (hey)

Open doors for me and you might get some kisses

Don't have a dirty mind

Just be a classy guy

Buy me a ring

Buy-buy me a ring, babe

I included the bridge because it's my favorite part. She very narrowly misses a naughty rhyme, which is disappointing. And who says a classy guy can't have a dirty mind? I would prefer both - classy with a dirty mind....and the social intelligence to know when it's appropriate to mix the two.

I've been rambling a lot but I haven't quite gotten to the video yet. Mostly because the video annoys me. She goes out with various guys, each proving how "unfit" they are for the job. But all of them are fairly attractive and try their best to impress her. The first one is a motherfucking chef and he gets kicked to the curb because his portions are too small and she doesn't like scallops (so clearly no fancy restaurants for Meghan). The second guy is axed because he's not strong enough to win a prize for her at the country fair - again, another unfortunate masculine trope. The third guy is thrown overboard (literally) because he tries to get her to participate in rowing a boat on their date. How dare he?!

***SIDE TANGENT: Marriage is, first and foremost, a partnership. In other words, you're a team. I think the quickest way to figure out if you can make it last is if you can complete a project together without killing each other. Even something small will do - building an IKEA dresser or making a three-course-meal for a dinner party. In the ideal scenario, both people play an equal part in producing the final outcome and conflicts are resolved quickly and without dirty tactics (e.g., raised voices or name-calling). No questioning the other person's intelligence or incompetence either - that speaks of other underlying issues. The team challenges on Masterchef are always nerve-racking to watch but the thing to understand is the dynamic you think is going to fail - two confident, opinionated people - is usually the most successful. The teams with two quiet, insecure people or one domineering person with one subservient person usually fail. It's because two confident people aren't afraid to communicate with each other and roles/responsibilities are usually hashed out quickly, with very little conflict. With one domineering person and one subservient person, the domineering person assumes from the get-go that they'll have to do everything, doesn't trust the other person to fulfill their responsibilities and treats them accordingly. Because they're being treated as incompetent from the get-go, the subservient person usually gets flustered and ends up acting in exactly the way the domineering person assumed they would. With two quiet, insecure people, they're too polite to tell the other person they're doing something wrong because they don't want to cause conflict (they see conflict as "bad"). To the outside world, it may look like their partnership is harmonious but the end result doesn't work because they were too insecure to work out the obvious problems. In a partnership, both people need to be good leaders AND good followers - and know what role they're fulfilling and when. Whew! That side tangent took longer than I expected. What can I say? I love group dynamics!***

Back to the video - so Meghan has these three excellent suitors knocking at her door and each one has some horrendous flaw that disqualifies them. The entire time, she's looking through some app at all the other guys she could be dating. And then Mr. Right shows up - and this is the part that is so utterly disappointing. The guy at the end is the most average looking bro I have ever seen. He might as well be named Chad. Even the barbershop quartet guys are hotter by comparison. And he brings a pizza. It doesn't even look like good pizza - it looks like motherfucking Papa John's. Which just goes to show there's no accounting for taste. Or maybe she understands that the song is perpetuating toxic social norms and subverted them by choosing the guy that seems the most likely to not conform to her requirements. Maybe? Nah.

"Dear Future Husband" Video

"Flavor of the Weak" by American Hi-Fi

My pre-teen self was all about this song. American Hi-Fi was one of the various CDs I flirted with buying before I realized Napster was a thing. It was the early 2000s - it was a crazy time for everyone! I'm just going to do a short post today, because I'm still trying too wrap up a project, but I hate going to long without posting on here.

As you may have noticed, the title is a play on words. Instead of "week," they use the word "weak" instead. I've had mixed feelings about this for -well - obviously at least two decades. It implies that the girl is weak because she's pouring all her love into a schmuck who doesn't appreciate it. As someone who loves too hard myself, I don't think of that as weak. In fact, I think people who refuse to let themselves love that hard are weak, because it means they don't have the courage to be vulnerable. They don't have the strength to have their heart broken multiple times and still be able to put it back together at the end of the day. You know how much inner strength it takes to not become completely cold and build a wall around you after you've been hurt? Most people don't have the mental, spiritual, or emotional fortitude for it. I've found that the kindest people I've ever met have had some of the hardest lives, went through some of the most shit circumstances I've ever heard of in my life - and, yet, they get up every day with the intention of being giving and kind, no matter what happens.

We could go with the alternate theory, which is implied at the end of the song with the final lyric of "she makes me weak." That she's exactly the kind of girl the singer is looking for but he sees himself as weak because of how she makes him feel. And he has kind of a point - it sounds like he's constantly pointing out the ways her boyfriend misses the mark but has never told her how he feels. He friend-zoned himself, basically, by trying to be the shoulder to cry on. Lame. That being said....he's not wrong. Her boyfriend does treat her like she's disposable and not good enough. So you have to wonder....why doesn't she already see it?

It's Friday night and she's all alone

He's a million miles away

She's dressed to kill, but the TV's on

He's connected to the sound

And he's got pictures on the wall

Of all the girls he's loved before

And she knows all his favorite songs

Validation, my dear friends. In a lot of relationships (and especially bad ones), people stay because they are receiving desperately needed validation (however small the amount) that they are worthy. Here's how the story in our heads goes - if I can get this impossible to please person who is constantly pointing out my faults to love me, I'm worthy of love. If I can just look the way they want, act the way they want, talk the way they want - they have to love me, right? How could they not? And, thus, a vicious cycle begins. Meanwhile, the other person is secretly craving validation, too, because they also feel unlovable. However, because it was easy to get validation from the other person, there must be something wrong with them because who could ever truly love a beast like me? And so s/he goes out looking for validation from a different source. Often, neither of these people truly understands what they want from a relationship and/or has unrealistic expectations of what love should look like, which is ultimately a recipe for disappointment and dissatisfaction. What usually ends up happening is we assume "this is how relationships are supposed to be" and people select partners who are unable to meet their needs/desires. They call it "compromise" but, in reality, it's self-betrayal. Your needs are your needs and, eventually, people become resentful when those needs aren't met. How long it takes to get to that point is largely based on a person's self-esteem - if you don't think you are worthy to be loved in the way you want, you'll put up with a lot more bullshit than someone with a healthy sense of self-worth. Also, we're usually replaying a story that we saw in our home life growing up. Think of all those tropes in sitcoms. The obedient but unhappy wife. The hen-pecked husband. The bitter divorcee. Or the hot, smart wife with the dumb, schlubby husband (and vice versa....I've never seen vice versa on TV, but I'm sure it could be done). Honestly, probably the healthiest dynamic I've seen in a sitcom (aside from "The Addams Family," which was purposely trying to up-end TV tropes) was the show, "Reba." And even that level of emotional/psychological sanity given the circumstances is pretty unrealistic.

How does this play out in the official video? Aside from placing the back story in the 1980s, the video storyline plays it pretty straight. It starts out with a journalist asking some metalheads, "What is your philosophy on life?", at which point, the loudest guy in the frame goes into a rant about how metal is better than punk (not even), avoiding the question entirely. The video is filmed to be a parody of the documentary, "Heavy Metal Parking Lot," which is an actual thing that exists and that anyone reading this can watch if they feel called to do something like that. I'm almost certain it's absolutely ridiculous and might be worth watching for the lulz. Moving on - we see the couple in question is waiting around for a concert to start. The girl tries to get affectionate but the guy seems utterly disinterested. He walks off with his friends, leaving her to fend for herself. While he walks around the parking lot, we see him run into various girls, giving them attention, while his actual girlfriend is walking around looking for him. Finally, he runs into a redhead trying to pull a Tawny Kitaen on his car. Of course, he goes after her and they start making out. At which point, the girlfriend sees them and realizes he's a scumbag. She's not the type to cause a scene so she runs off to be mopey somewhere. Of course, she is super pretty herself so other guys are instantly trying to get in her pants at the end of the video. Just from my own personal experience, this happens a lot. Typical.

Her boyfriend, he don't know

Anything about her

He's too stoned, he's too stoned

He's too stoned, he's too stoned

If this video continued on - for perhaps the length of a documentary? - eventually, the girl dancing on the car would become the sad girlfriend, too. Or maybe she has enough self-esteem to not put up with it and would leave first. It's not that she's prettier or sexier or better than his current (now, hopefully, former) girlfriend - he just has a vacuum where his heart should be. And he really should probably take care of that before getting in another relationship with anyone. Otherwise, the cycle continues. Gotta love those toxic spirals.

"Flavor of the Weak" Video

"Help" by Papa Roach

The last two posts were pop songs so I thought we'd take a sharp left turn into alternative rock. Another one of my son's favorite videos to watch. He really likes this song - not sure if I should be concerned or what. He does have great taste in music, though, that's for certain. Also, he's learned the phrase "Ya Basic!" so it's only a matter of time before he hurts some poor woman's feelings while she's shopping for UGGs and enjoying a pumpkin spice latte. 

Let's walk through the video first, before we get into the heaviness. The protagonist of this video is a man in a bunny costume. That could be representative of many things - that he feels he's a joke or that he feels like he's soft and weak (like a bunny). In any case, he doesn't feel like a man (as bunnies are rarely associated with virulent masculinity). It could also be a subversion of the traditional spiritual meaning of rabbits. Rabbits represent luckiness, prosperity, abundance, and even happiness. The protagonist of this video clearly does not reflect any of those things, as we'll see. At the start of the video, we see the Bunnyman waking up at 4pm next to what we can assume is his wife or  live-in girlfriend. And the first things she says could be exactly what we've told ourselves in our worst moments - "I don't know why you're waking up. You ain't got nowhere to go." The rest of the video shows his day progressively getting worse - he's out of milk, a random kid attacks him with nunchucks, someone throws a milk shake at him, and then more asshole kids are taunting him at the donut shop. It's important to note that both the woman and the kids are shown to look more ugly than they actually are. They might not actually look like that but his negative perception of life distorts everything, making people seem uglier and meaner than they might otherwise be. At the end of the video, he runs into another Bunnyman, the underlying message being that you can get through anything as long as you have an understanding friend who has been where you are.

Did someone turn the lights out?

Or is it just another dark cloud in my head?

'Cause I'm cut deep, my heart won't beat

Deep down low it's killing me

If I wanna scratch out yesterday

I've got so much I need to say

(I've got so much I need to say)

This past weekend, while I was desperately trying to keep myself from tumbling into a depressive spiral, I was thinking about how important routines and self check-ins are in these situations. Sometimes, we have to be a friend to ourselves and part of that is stopping to pay attention when you're going someplace dark. For example, I know something is off if I have less energy and I want to sleep all the time. In my normal state, I'm running around everywhere and am constantly doing some activity before going to bed. After years of waking up early, it's no problem for me most mornings to jump out of bed at 4am and do some yoga or writing. The last couple weeks, however, I've been hitting snooze way past my normal "point of no return" (i.e., the time I've decided is acceptable to sleep in until). When you're aware of these patterns, it's important to make a promise to yourself to break them. This is why routines are important - if you already have the momentum of performing a habit regularly, it's much easier to get back into the habit if you miss a day or two (or even a week). And you're able to be a bit more compassionate with yourself, if you skip a few days here and there. That's also essential - the ability to be compassionate with yourself. People will beat themselves up over the smallest, silliest things - things that are pointless in the grand scheme of things but seem so important in the moment, especially when you're already feeling down on yourself. 

One of the big contributing factors for my exhaustion is my mom being in the "depression" phase of her illness, which is, in some ways, worse than the "manic" phase. Mostly because we know she's not taking care of herself and I have constant anxiety about what she might do when she's by herself. She calls me multiple times a day (mostly because I'm the one who is most likely to pick up). During these short calls, I try to do a check in with her. Lately, I'm starting to realize the importance of doing the check-ins for myself, too. The questions I ask someone who I know is struggling with depression are the same ones that can keep me from falling into the same pattern. How are you feeling? Did you take a shower today? Are you wearing clean clothes? Did you take your medicine (or, in my case, multivitamins/supplements)? Are you eating healthy? Are you drinking water? Did you get outside and move at all? Easy questions that we can ask ourselves (or friends and family) that show we care and provide gentle encouragement to the receiver to take care of themselves. Because a sure sign of low self esteem and low self worth (hallmarks of depression) is not taking care of yourself with basic hygiene and healthy habits. Looking back now, there was a time when I actively avoided looking at myself in the mirror - I couldn't even look at myself while I was brushing my teeth. And, even though I've had some sad moments lately, I'm very happy that I'm nowhere near that level of self-hatred and I haven't been there in several years.

I think I need help

'Cause I'm drowning in myself

It's sinking in, I can't pretend

That I ain't been through hell

I think I need help

I'm drowning in myself

With that in mind, I keep flashing back to the beginning of "Wristcutters: A Love Story," which is one of my favorite films. It's one of the most disturbing scenes I've ever seen, because it's so simple. The main character has been depressed for a while and the viewer sees him lying on the bed, in the midst of a messy apartment. Suddenly, he gets up and starts cleaning the room with purpose. Takes a shower, shaves, and gets dressed - with purpose. The whole time, I have this sickening feeling because I know what's going to happen next. And sure enough, the scene ends with him slitting his wrists in the bathroom. I nearly blacked out. These particular type of suicide scenes make me queasy. Mostly because, if I were to kill myself - for realsies - I'd always imagined I'd slash my wrists. It's a little melodramatic, so I feel like it's the most fitting way for me to go out. It makes an impression. But I couldn't do it - for one, I have no interest in killing myself at the moment and, two, even thinking about it right now is making me sick to my stomach. It's also probably the most painful, scary way to do it. I'm not sure why my mind went to that scene today. Maybe because someone not taking care of themselves is one of the most obvious signs of depression and it's also the one people choose to ignore because they don't want to seem like they're being judgmental. To be honest - I know my mom gets annoyed when I ask her the check-in questions. And I also know she's lying when she answers sometimes. But the most awful thing is - that same eerie feeling of inevitability that I felt while watching the opening scene of "Wristcutters" is the same one I feel on a daily basis. And I don't know how else to help someone who won't help themselves.

"Help" Official Video

"Habits (Stay High)" by Tove Lo

Another one of my son's favorite songs. Probably shouldn't be - this song does not reflect the healthiest of lifestyles. I think he likes the "ooh" parts and, to be honest, so do I. They're fun to sing. As you can gather from the lyrics, Tove Lo wrote this after a bad breakup. She went into a downward spiral and developed some self-destructive habits. Chief among these was excessive alcohol and drug use, hence the subtitle "Stay High." However, the song lyrics and the video are more reflective of someone who turns to promiscuity to get over their past relationship. It's the whole idea that "the fastest way to get over someone is to get under someone else," which is some Libra bullshit if I've ever heard it. Our brains and definitely our hearts don't work like that, no matter how hard we want to believe it. In case you're wondering (because, yes, I did look it up as research), Tove Lo is a Scorpio (she has a tattoo on her shoulder to prove it....such a fucking Scorpio thing to do) and, although she does have her Mars in Libra, her Venus is in Scorpio. She ain't getting over anybody if she believes they are her soul mate, no matter how many people she fucks (but it sounds like she tried her hardest....respect). The lyrics also touch on the numbness people might feel after "shadow" losses - it's like there's nothing to look forward to anymore. You're not surprised or excited about anything, but you're not disappointed about anything either. Life is just....meh. And, strangely enough, that's even more exhausting than being on an emotional roller coaster.

The video is disorienting and it's meant to be. Most of the video's perspective is shot as a close-up of Tove Lo going about her business of partying hard and lip syncing to the song. To film, she wore the camera strapped to her waist during the entire shoot. It was draining but having to carry the weight around brought into stark focus the pain she was holding onto from the experience that inspired the song. Her reactions and emotions are very real - when she breaks down in tears, that's not acting. Keep an eye on the guy with the hand tattoos, because he's critical to my understanding of the video. I had seen this video at least a couple dozen times before something clicked in my head and I fully comprehended the message the director was trying to get across. At the time, I felt really proud of myself and also really stupid, because I should've seen it earlier.

I eat my dinner in my bathtub, then I go to sex clubs

Watchin' freaky people gettin' it on

It doesn't make me nervous if anything, I'm restless

Yeah, I've been around and I've seen it all

I get home, I got the munchies, binge on all my Twinkies

Throw up in the tub then I go to sleep

And I drank up all my money, dazed and kinda lonely

Essentially, the plot of the video is Tove Lo partying all day, every day, in order to get over the person she's singing about. It seems like she's having fun in the beginning but by the end, it's clear she's not having fun at all. I believe Hand-Tattoo Guy represents the person she's trying to get over. The viewer is made to assume that he's actually there and he's one of the friends she goes out to party with. I posit that he is a figment of her imagination - even though he's not really there, he's always there because she can't get him off her mind. If you watch really carefully, there are shots where Hand-Tattoo Guy is doing something before a cut-away and when they return to the scene, it's someone else performing that action. He's like a ghost, just fading away into the shadows. Tormenting her with his elusive omnipresence. I understand how that feels - it almost makes it feel better to pretend the person is there....until that crushing moment of lucidity when you realize they aren't. Maybe this is projection (and perhaps I'm admitting a little bit too much of my crazy), but there are moments I find myself imagining someone else is there when I'm doing stuff by myself. Mundane things - like when I'm driving in the car or cooking dinner. Or having conversations with people in my head, conversations I'll probably never have because I'm so much more witty in my imagination. Occasionally, these conversations are with people I've never met or who I know I will probably never see in this life ever again. It's a way of organizing my thoughts, in order to put them in a way others will understand, because my mind tends to move faster than my mouth sometimes. It helps to have a rant prepared and in your pocket. You know....for special occasions. These blog posts often begin as imaginary conversations and I'd like to think they read better for it.

In hindsight, Tove Lo realizes the things she did to heal from this relationship - alcohol, drugs, sex - were counterproductive. Anyone with a couple decades of life experience can tell the lyrics do not describe a healthy way to deal with a situation but we've all done it at some point. Excessive drinking, party hopping because we don't want the night to end, exercising until we drop from exhaustion, burning ourselves with lighters, hopping in taxi cabs with strangers we've only known for 2 hours - the list of self-destructive tendencies is endless and, in the end, they're never satisfying. So, the question we're faced with is this - how do we heal when we've made a promise to ourselves not to be self-destructive anymore? That's the hard part. The self-destructive shit is easy - it's the comfortable way to deal, which is why we resort to that first. But those habits are just a distraction. Eventually - when the distractions stop working and aren't fun anymore - you have to take a good, long look in the mirror and accept you can't run from your feelings. And you can't change what happened. You can only change yourself. Sometimes, this means therapy (especially when addiction is involved). It always means shadow work of some kind, followed by extensive goal-setting and promise-making. And a lot of time spent finding out who you are when you're alone. This is where the magic happens, because in this space, there's a need to channel your emotions somewhere. Often, this results in the creation of something beautiful - a painting, a song, a story, a business. Something to help transmute whatever you were feeling into something enjoyable.

"Habits (Stay High)" Video

"I Knew You Were Trouble" by Taylor Swift

I'm trying to get the T-Swift outta the way early, for your sakes. As I've mentioned, Swift is a music video savant and there are plenty of her music videos I could've chosen for this theme. Not only do they showcase her ability to bring her vision to life, they also bring to light her biting self-awareness, her humor, imagination, and attention-to-detail. She's an artist who has been consistently forthright about how deeply her art is manifested as an expression of her life. Watching her videos is like watching how she imagines how her life is unfolding. They are a distorted fantasy, because they are all so much more beautiful than how I'm sure the experiences were. That's how art is. The best of it is born out of our darkest moments. It's able to shed light on those shadows and bring back joy where we only thought there would be pain. It does this a thousand-fold and more. And, if it's strong enough - if the idea, the feeling, the lesson is pure enough - it graces it's creator with immortality. Regardless of whether or not we remember their name, we'll be able to look, listen, or read their art and be stirred to the same emotion the artist was feeling when they created it.

I hope you enjoyed that paragraph, because that's as serious as we're getting today. I chose this song due to the sheer ridiculous-ness of the video. People forget Taylor is a Sagittarius, but her goofiness and optimism is what takes the edge out of what is genuinely a terrible situation, which we'll get to later.

Picture it - Coachella, 2012. It was a crazy time. It was one of the hottest summers on record, the second unsuccessful Spiderman franchise was just barely hitting theaters, and everyone was watching a meme where President Obama is singing "Call Me, Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepson. In fact, everyone was singing "Call Me, Maybe" that summer because, despite it's all around pop awful-ness, it's a national treasure. The world both does and does not deserve that song. What was I talking about? Oh yes....the "I Knew You Were Trouble" video. The intro to the video is ridiculously long - it lasts nearly two fucking minutes. For the record, I hate music videos with long, cinematic intros. This one gets a pass because it's hilariously confusing but if any musicians are reading this - don't fucking do that to your fans. They will seriously skip the video and look for a lyric video that cuts through the nonsense.

This is where our story begins. Taylor has just woken up in the middle of fucking Death Valley, tent debris everywhere, and she starts on a good long ramble. This, my friends, is a metaphor for her relationship with the guy she's singing about. The desert imagery is telling - in dream interpretation (which, among my renewed esoteric interests, is now one of my hobbies), deserts represent feeling unloved and unwanted. If there is someone else in the desert with you, that person is usually the person who is making you feel that way. Often, dreams like this signify that you feel burdened by this person. I'm going to take an educated leap and say that this symbolism carries over into the video. Taylor's rant is fairly personal, despite how pseudo-deep it sounds. In it, she acknowledges some key details - 1) she didn't trust her instincts, 2) she felt out of control, 3) even if she's kind of glad it's over, she still misses him - or who she was when she was with him, and 4) she made a mistake and she learned a valuable lesson. Never lose yourself in someone else. That was her fault, not his.

I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen.

It's not really anything he said or anything he did,

It was the feeling that came along with it.

And the crazy thing is I don't know if I'm ever gonna feel that way again.

But I don't know if I should.

Moving on - Taylor meets a drug dealer during one of the shows. Let's talk about this drug dealer. He's hot - way hotter than a drug dealer at Coachella should be. Side note: The actor who plays the "bad boy" in this Taylor Swift video also played Dorian Gray in "Penny Dreadful," so that should give you an idea of how attractive he is. Eternally youthful, mischievous smile, creepily mesmerizing eyes whose color hovers in between green and brown (depending on his mood). Add in tattoos, guy-liner, and man jewelry and he's basically irresistible to a naive 20-something girl on a road trip. Sure, every girl knows that the fedora and wearing suspenders over a wifebeater should have been her first clues he was a major douchebag - but we've all been there, so we can't judge. Hindsight is always 20/20. Anyway, we see snippets of their relationship, which looks pretty insane from the get go and automatically, you can see it wasn't going to be Taylor's jam. Some moments look alright - maybe even romantic - like the cuddling in bed and the matching tattoos. But the rest of it was bullshit. Getting in trouble with the cops, starting fights with biker dudes who could definitely kill the skinny motherfucker, and when he gets bored, he moves on to the next girl with low self-esteem.

You may notice that I keep calling the guy a "drug dealer." That's only half a joke - the other half is the very real effect of love addiction, a characteristic of codependent relationships, especially when a narcissist is involved. These relationships move really fast - like saying "I love you" after three weeks fast. Usually what happens is that one person "love bombs" the shit out of the other person until they are hooked (and depending on how much trauma the person has gone through, this can be disarmingly quick) and then begins to test their boundaries by becoming more and more ambivalent about responding to the other's needs within the relationship. This is when the abuse usually starts - gaslighting, verbal abuse, withholding affection and/or sex, isolation, silent treatment, jealous accusations, and sometimes, even physical violence. However, every so often, the narcissist will do just enough love bombing - a nice dinner here, a small gift there, a compliment or two - just enough to give the codependent person hope that the other person will change back into that loving person they initially knew. Unfortunately, that never happens. What does happen is the codependent person loses their entire identity - including connections with friends and family. In order to keep getting validation and "love" from the other person, they will try their best to conform to be the "perfect" partner. Change their clothes and appearance, hide their opinions, compromise all their needs and boundaries - all for a few crumbs of approval. In the end, it does no good anyway, because once the codependent is depleted of all self-worth, the narcissist will usually move on to someone else. Sometimes they'll come back, especially if the codependent person seems to be doing well (because how dare they move on with their life!) but it will never become a healthy relationship. I have a lot of compassion for Taylor because the experiences that prompted her to write this song probably completely fucked up how she perceived what a healthy relationship should look like. Indeed, many people have difficulty after a codependent relationship because a healthy relationship often feels "boring."

No apologies. He'll never see you cry,

Pretends he doesn't know that he's the reason why

You're drowning, you're drowning, you're drowning

Now I heard you moved on from whispers on the street

A new notch in your belt is all I'll ever be

And now I see, now I see, now I see

He was long gone when he met me

And I realize the joke is on me, yeah!

The irony is we're pretty sure this song was written about John Mayer, whose image (at least in the beginning) was built on being the sensitive Nice Guy. This is a misnomer, because these guys are definitely the worst. As most girls are aware, the Nice Guy often feels more entitled to female attention than run-of-the-mill assholes do. In addition to that, men who describe themselves as a "nice guy" often have an inferiority complex, which can often lead to over-compensating with hyper-masculine behaviors, such as emotional distancing and promiscuity. The thing to understand about human interaction is that people treat others the way they feel about themselves. It's a self-fulfilling prophesy in the worst way - they leave first because they expect others to abandon them, they treat others with cruelty because they perceive those that have treated them with cruelty in the past as superior, and they don't care about other people's feelings because they ignore their own. When confronted by another's Shadow like this, it is tempting to turn our anger and resentment inward at ourselves. What is so unlovable about me that they would treat me this way? What did I do to deserve this (because I surely must've done something to deserve this)? This is a slippery slope that ends in getting trapped within our own shadow. A shadow that, if left unchecked, could leave us just as cold as the other person (and Taylor spent many years very publicly stuck in this tailspin). So, what do we do? I, personally, have found much solace in the Ho'oponopono meditation, the Hawaii'an practice of forgiveness. It consists of repeating the following mantra: I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. With this mantra, the practitioner is forgiving themselves for their part as much as forgiving the other person. Self-compassion is the root of self-worth and self-esteem. It's also essential for the integration of the Shadow.

"I Knew You Were Trouble" Video

"I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" by My Chemical Romance

I've been extra emo lately. I'm blaming Scorpio season and accepting that the Sun is activating the shit out of my natal Moon. Therefore, I'm making a conscious choice to lean in and be super "Moon in Scorpio" for - basically - the rest of my life. For example, I've decided Sabrina the Teenage Witch is my new aesthetic, so the only things I plan to wear in 2020 will be black pencil skirts and red blouses. Okay....maybe the tiniest bit of plaid but it will be very tasteful. I've also decided I'm going to delve back into my creepy side, because I've let it lie dormant for a long time. I've got a lot of dark and twisty TV shows (BTW Ellen Pompeo, aka Meredith Grey, Honored Master of being dark and twisty, is a Scorpio), movies, and books that I've re-prioritized to be at the top of my media intake. And I've been listening to the "Hot Rods & Horror Shows" playlist on Spotify, which is mostly of the emo and psychobilly persuasion. Obviously, been listening to a lot of My Chemical Romance and other bands with a similar sound, and I've been playing one particular song on repeat lately that I'm in love with. Unfortunately, it doesn't fit the theme for this month because it doesn't have an official video, so maybe next month. I'm definitely feeling a push for a new beginning of sorts but that could be because 2020 is around the corner. I've been hit by another wave of inspiration for some new writing projects - in particular, a short story about a Magician and his Assistant, which I plan to start after Mercury Spookygrade.

Speaking of My Chemical Romance, they announced today that they'd be reuniting for a Reunion Tour - and my inner 17-year-old emo girl jumped for joy! If they announce an US dates, I'm definitely going to find a way to get to that (if it is at all humanly possible), mostly because it might be my only chance to see them live. It's almost like they knew I needed them right now. I know it may sound lame but MCR got me through some of the roughest years of my life. Rough enough that I'm surprised that I made it through. To be honest, I almost didn't. Lately, it feels like we're on redux. I think that's the thing I love most about MCR - because Gerard Way's lyrics reflected an inner world I was intimately familiar with. Overly dramatic, hopelessly romantic in the darkest sense, and passionate in a quiet way that others didn't understand and were overwhelmed when I revealed it. These past few days that I've been rediscovering their old albums, it only confirmed what I knew instinctively as a teenager. That they create genuinely brilliant music and that's why the entire Internet is fucking excited about an MCR reunion tour. Gerard Way is now living his best life, with his own solo music career and success as a comic book illustrator (he's the creator of "The Umbrella Academy," now a Netflix show - it's on my list), but it wasn't always like that. In high school, he was the weird, quiet kid who drew disturbing scribbles during class. He was a loner, and people he was friends with in childhood (one in particular) became popular and started to treat him like he was weird and different. That's what "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" is about. It hurts for this to happen at any age, but it always seems especially devastating when you're a teenager. To find someone who you think gets you only to have them push you away. When, even though they won't say it, their actions make it clear that they don't want you in their life anymore. It hurts but, in these situations, it's best to just let them push you away.

Well, if you wanted honesty

That's all you had to say

I never want to let you down

Or have you go, it's better off this way

For all the dirty looks

The photographs your boyfriend took

Remember when you broke your foot

From jumping out the second floor?

The video concept for "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" is a mock trailer. The introduction is Ray Toro listing all the reasons that Gerard Way kind of sucks. This part is amazing because, among the reasons why Gerard Way is "never gonna make it," he likes Audrey Hepburn, Fangoria, and croquet, and he doesn't know karate. I don't know about you but all those reasons are why he'd be at the top of my "gotta be friends with this guy" list. Although, it would be kinda awesome if he knew karate. Whatever. I stand by my statement. Moving on, the movie that the band is pretending to be in is your basic "Not Another Teen Movie"-type film - where the geek gets the girl (a trope that always makes me giddily happy to the point where I squeal). Obviously, the movie promises an epic showdown between the Weirdos (MCR, wielding croquet mallets, naturally) and the Jocks (with hockey sticks and those other sticks they use in lacrosse - I have no idea what they're called but I think we can deduce that MCR chose the better weapon). Before the bridge, they have that typical romantic scene where you know the two unlikely lovers are going to kiss. They flip this trope on its head by making it awkward, where Frank Iero actually does remove an eyelash from the girl's eye and then wipes his finger on her sleeve (gross! I don't know why but gross!) before walking away. Because boys really are stupid like that. You'll be just standing there, thinking "kiss me, loser, before I fucking go home" and they'll be like "goodnight!" You definitely aren't going to get laid if you can't read the room. And in between all the typical shenanigans, they have that stereotypical trailer text that's supposed to make it suspenseful but is really just annoying. And, because it is a music video, it does show the band actually performing but that's spliced with all the rest of the chaos that is going on, which allows it to maintain it's trailer-like quality.

What will it take to show you

That it's not the life it seems? (I'm not okay)

I've told you time and time again

You sing the words but don't know what it means (I'm not okay)

To be a joke and look

Another line without a hook

I held you close as we both shook

For the last time, take a good hard look

That's the basic description of what's happening in the video. Now, I'm going to tell you why that's a perfect visualization for the story the lyrics tell. When you're a highly imaginative teenager (and I'm speaking from experience), you have a tendency to picture your own life as a movie. A movie where you're the star, of course. Unfortunately, life isn't a movie and doesn't follow your typical plot rules. The people you meet don't fit perfectly within a single archetype or trope, because humans are complicated. The timeline is always off somehow, like nothing was planned before you started shooting. The costumes are cheap and ill-fitting. It feels like you'll never reach the climax of the film, because it's just one conflict after another. You see where I'm going with this? Life is messy and incoherent, which is why films have script writers and scene editors - to cut out all the complicated, boring stuff so that we only see the parts that make sense. If a teenager (or a teen-at-heart) were to make a movie trailer of their actual life, it would be much like this video. The scenes seem related but might not even be from the same movie. The perspective keeps switching, so you're not sure who is the main character (one would assume Gerard Way but Frank Iero gets all the dynamic scenes). And what you expect to happen doesn't always happen, like awkward almost-kisses or getting punched in the face when you ace a test. And there'd be a lot of cut scenes of you reaching for your inhaler or spinning in a chair, all the shit that you hope people don't see. And the reasoning behind the individual plot points will probably be sketchy, at best. We have no idea what happened prior to the showdown in the hallway - MCR might've just decided to beat the shit out of some Chads with croquet mallets. Was it justified? Sure, but not in a "cause and effect" sort of way, more like a "fuck anybody named Chad" sort of way. Sorry Chad. I'm sure you're a good person, whoever you are.

In summation, the only thing we have control over in the movie of our life is the soundtrack, so make it a good one.

"I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" Video

November Theme: "Visualizations"

For November, because I think I'm so fucking hilarious, I've decided to go over my thoughts on music videos some popular songs. As I've said before, music is often part of an artist's shadow work and healing. Never is this more clear than when they set their songs to a visual interpretation. I love music videos. I'm one of those weirdos who was up at 3am watching VH1's "Pop Up Video," because I enjoyed reading the little blurbs and tidbits about the song meanings and what was happening in society at the time the video was created. I have an addiction to soaking up knowledge, no matter how mundane and trivial it seems to other people. It all feels magical to me. Not that anyone cares, but I am three beers in. Also, side note, Fireball whiskey tastes surprisingly good when mixed with eggnog. I fucking love Yule.

As much as I love her, I'm going to limit myself to one Taylor Swift song this month. I will make no such promise for December, because that is Sagittarius season and you can't limit those motherfuckers. It's one of my favorite thing about Sagittarius placements. But Taylor Swift is a genuine genius when it comes to music videos. She's one of those rare artists who has both the vision and the sound that translates into something real in the world that she evolved in. It's been close to 15 years since she became a household name. Believe me - that doesn't happen unless a person has something special about them. Call it what you want. Talent. Vision. Soul. It's rare. And most people never get a chance to experience it up close, let alone within themselves. And I'm ranting about Taylor Swift again, which I'm aware is super lame. She's also fairly consistent with creating videos about how she made the music videos - from the concept to the editing - which I appreciate. I love learning about people's processes. I'm sure that's annoying. I always ask questions that are a little bit too penetrating, but that's because my own process is a little bit mysterious, even to myself. I hear songs and I can see a story. And it's not even a whole story. Sometimes, it's just a scene, just a frame. And sometimes, I feel like I can't do the story justice. Some days, I can type for hours and it's beautiful. Other days, it feels like I have to tear open a vein just to get out a sentence. Even now, I can understand why Hemingway and Stoker and Poe drank so much - all the words I've been keeping locked up in the recesses of my mind are just flowing out, like so much blood. And right now - it sounds good. It sounds beautiful. Even if I read it tomorrow and it's full of typos and nonsense, right now, it sounds like exactly what I want to say. But I'm still inhibited - as much as I share on here, it's really only about 5% of the thoughts in my head. The deepest, darkest parts of myself are still very much secret, only to be revealed to those most worthy. So, even though I have a lot more to rant about, I'm going to take my ranting offline. Maybe work on a project I've been holding onto for 6+ months, because there's no use holding onto it any more.

Needless to say, this month should be fun. I've been waiting to share a lot of these thoughts for a while now and finally, I have an opportunity. Happy Mercury Retrograde - it's going to be fucking wilde!